Best ways to get rid of Jeovah Witnesses...

Discussion in 'OFF-Topic / Misc.' started by Maestro, Sep 11, 2010.

  1. Maestro

    Maestro Active Member

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    #1 Maestro, Sep 11, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2010
    Greetings ladies and gentlemen.

    I just received the unwanted visit of a Jeovah Witness about 30 minutes ago... The first one since my father got pissed off at one about 15 years ago. So, like most of us find those bastards kind of annoying, I had the idea of starting a thread to share our tricks on getting rid of them. May be one of them will work for good...

    Here are a few I thought about or that others shared with me... Note that I'll be posting only the family-friendly ones.

    1 - When they ask you the question : "Do you think it is important for peoples to read the bible nowadays ?", answer "No." Then when they asks you "Why ?" answer : "Well, if you need to base your life on principles that were written 2000 years ago, then you are even more retarded than you look like..." Then violently close and lock the door.

    2 - When they ask you the question : "Do you think it is important for peoples to read the bible nowadays ?", take your most insane look and answer : "Oh, yeah... I always read the bible when I host my mass in the basement, dressed in a black robe and holding a cup of bat blood in front of the desk on which a young woman is laying naked..." Then have a quick look on his "Now, I'm screwed !" face before violently closing and locking the door.

    3 - (That one was shared on the radio a few years back.) If they happen to come when you're just getting out of the shower, make sure there is no children with them (or in the immediate area) then open wide your bath robe and say out loud : "Long live Satan"... and watch them run away.

    4 - Place a sign at the door that reads : "Jeovah Witnesses wil be shot on sight." Although if they come knocking at your door anyway, you're kinda screwed.

    5 - When they ask you the question : "Do you think it is important for peoples to read the bible nowadays ?", answer "So you can read... Congratulations. I can shoot a bullet in a dice at 600 yards, can you run fast enough ?" Then violently close and lock the door.

    Now, what are your tricks ?
     
  2. Colin1

    Colin1 Active Member

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  3. Njaco

    Njaco The Pop-Tart Whisperer
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    Two old ones that I used cme to mind.

    1) One time I watched them approach and knew who they were I started yelling from inside the house insnely like I was having a fight, etc. The I violently opened the door with a frying pan in my hand and yelled "WHAT?". They stood there, handed me a "WatchTower" and left.

    2) Another time I answered the door with a big smile on my face and the converstion went something like this:

    JW: "Do you belive in God?"
    Me: "Apple"
    JW: "Do you think it is important for peoples to read the bible nowadays ?"
    Me: "Apple"
    (still with a large smile on my face)
    JW:"Do you know about Jehovah?"
    Me: "Apple?"
    JW: "Is anybody else home?"
    Me: "Apple"

    after several more "apple" replies, they usually just leave the "Watchtower" and leave.
     
  4. tail end charlie

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    I was visited by two mormon missionaries in Scotland, the idea of sending missionaries from America to N Scotland is a bit amusing the Scots introduced Christianity to England and later to Europe. They were nice people but so ill informed it was scary, anyway I never saw them again.

    For jehovahs witnesses ask them "what were the last words of Jesus" if they dont answer Eloi Eloi Lama Sabacthani".........advise them to read the Bible a bit more thoroughly. Its worked for me three times.
     
  5. vikingBerserker

    vikingBerserker Well-Known Member

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    Answering the door with a running chain saw does wonders for sales people, I'd imagine it would work well in this case.

    I have to admit, I like the "Apple" response a lot :lol:
     
  6. Colin1

    Colin1 Active Member

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    Are you allowed to accessorise?
    Let's say, for example, a hockey mask a la Hannibal Lecter?
     
  7. vikingBerserker

    vikingBerserker Well-Known Member

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    LMAO

    NICE!!!!!
     
  8. Airframes

    Airframes Benevolens Magister

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    "I didn't see the accident, I don't know him, so let him find another witness".
     
  9. A4K

    A4K Well-Known Member

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    My dad has a good trick. When he sees them coming, he throws open the door, flings out his arms, and shouts in his best American TV preacher voice: "SAY YA-ES TO JESUS! MA BROTHERS, AH HAVE SEEEEEEEN THE LIGHT!" and other such sayings. He reckons the look on their faces is priceless, like 'Is this guy a nut or what???'...they soon leave. :)

    My own approach is different. I tell the truth. I tell them straight that I believe in God, but not in the church, so I won't be attending theirs. They don't like that either...
     
  10. mikewint

    mikewint Well-Known Member

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    A few years ago I purchased a large doormat which read:
    I Gave At The Office
    I Love My Vaccum Cleaner
    And I Have Found Jesus

    Cuts door traffic by 90%
     
  11. Wayne Little

    Wayne Little Well-Known Member

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    Usually No Thanks, followed by What part of NO don't you understand when they attempt to respond then shut the door...do like the the Chain Saw though..:lol::lol:
     
  12. Maestro

    Maestro Active Member

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    I do like the chain saw too... But the apple trick isn't bad neighter.
     
  13. jamierd

    jamierd Member

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    i came home on leave once to find the wife in the living room talking to 2 jehovahs after dumping my kit bag on the floor and getting myself a scotch i threw myself on the couch .1 of them asked me where i worked i said i work at the Defence Nuclear biological chemical warfare centre they bolted i have never seen anyone move so fast in my life i have no idea if they thought i was contaminated or maybe i brought my work home with me but they were gone so i was happy
     
  14. Wayne Little

    Wayne Little Well-Known Member

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  15. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Active Member

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    Heh. I just tell em I'm Southern Baptist. Works better than telling them I'm a convicted child rapist who's looking to rehabilitate by attacking someone older...
     
  16. lesofprimus

    lesofprimus Active Member

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    Being the rude prick I am, I just say "Not interested" and close the door on them....

    And not just Jehovahs witness either, anyone peddling their wares, from kids selling magazines to guys selling meat outta their trunk...

    I have used, however, Chris' first idea, which is to start screaming and yelling when u see em come up, then open the door before they knock and scream "What the fu*k do u want??!!"

    It worked twice before for me...
     
  17. javlin

    javlin Well-Known Member

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    I could see that Dan:lol:
     
  18. Njaco

    Njaco The Pop-Tart Whisperer
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    The look on their faces is priceless.
     
  19. lesofprimus

    lesofprimus Active Member

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    Puts the fear of God into them for sure, with some freaked out 6'6" giant standing over them, eyes and veins bulging out...
     
  20. Erich

    Erich the old Sage
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    "I'm sorry but the 144,000 have already been chosen and you are not one of them"

    that takes them by storm then I just quietly close the door after I drop my pants and they see my shiny speedo then they really run

    look out !

    they come by every 3-4 years house to house with their clip-boards
     
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