George Carlin's Rules For 2007

Discussion in 'Old Threads' started by Njaco, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. Njaco

    Njaco The Pop-Tart Whisperer
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    Thought this was too big for the Jokes thread. Enjoy! (Could also have worked in the Politics section!)


    GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

    New Rule:
    No more gift registries.
    You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies, and new homes, and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

    New Rule:
    Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
    you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
    is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

    New Rule:
    Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

    New Rule:
    Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

    New Rule:
    If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule:
    Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule:
    There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule:
    Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And, by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule:
    The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

    New Rule:
    I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my "PIN" number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule:
    Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule:
    Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called " The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule:
    I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule:
    If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cin eplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember, the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule:
    And this one is long overdue:
    No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

    New Rule:
    When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And, I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule:
    If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than "minimum wage," th en, for God's sake, don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

    Subject: MY COUNTRY

    THIS IS OUR COUNTRY.
    Let me make this perfectly clear!

    THIS IS MY COUNTRY!

    And, because I make this statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration!!!

    YOU ARE WELCOME HERE IN MY COUNTRY.

    Welcome to come through like everyone else has.
    Get a sponsor!
    Get a place to lay your head!
    Get a job!
    Live by OUR rules!
    Pay YOUR taxes!
    And LEARN THE LANGUAGE LIKE ALL OTHER
    IMMIGRANTS HAVE IN THE PAST!!! AND PLEASE DON'T DEMAND THAT WE HAND OVER OUR LIFETIME SAVINGS OF SOCIAL SECURITY FUNDS TO YOU TO MAKE UP FOR ''YOUR'' LOSSES.

    If you don't want to forward this for fear of off ending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

    When will AMERICAN'S STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS???

    We've gone so far the other way ...bent over backwards not to offend anyone. But it seems no one cares about the AMERICAN that's being offended!
     
  2. Becca

    Becca Member

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    BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! :lol:
     
  3. ToughOmbre

    ToughOmbre Active Member

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    Sorry to say but I never was a "Lucky bastard." :)

    TO
     
  4. Thorlifter

    Thorlifter Well-Known Member

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    Me neither.

    Funny list.
     
  5. comiso90

    comiso90 Active Member

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    Funny stuff but not penned by George Carlin... There are probably a dozen "witticism's" erroneously attributed to him. would you read it if the "Subject" said "Quotes by Timmy Goldfarb".

    Snopes is a respected fact finder and Urban Legend confirmer/dispeler.

    Urban Legends Reference Pages: George Carlin New Rules for 2006



    .
     
  6. Njaco

    Njaco The Pop-Tart Whisperer
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    I'll go with what you say, Cosimo. I know some things are attributed to him. This sounded like him more than others. He does have a goofy, cutting wit.
     
  7. DerAdlerIstGelandet

    DerAdlerIstGelandet Der Crew Chief
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    Yeah I read this awhile back and it was attributed to someone else.

    Eitherway it is funny as hell.

    :lol:
     
  8. Screaming Eagle

    Screaming Eagle Active Member

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    I agree very funny
     
  9. Njaco

    Njaco The Pop-Tart Whisperer
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    Found something else attributed to George. For what its worth, makes you pause.

    A Message by George Carlin:

    The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

    We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

    We have multiplied our possessions, but redu ced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

    We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

    We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

    These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, o ne night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

    Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

    Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

    Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

    Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

    Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
    Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

    AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

    Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

    If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
     
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