Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Thought this was too big for the Jokes thread. Enjoy! (Could also have worked in the Politics section!)
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007
New Rule:
No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies, and new homes, and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And, by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my "PIN" number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called " The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cin eplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember, the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And, I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than "minimum wage," th en, for God's sake, don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
Subject: MY COUNTRY
THIS IS OUR COUNTRY.
Let me make this perfectly clear!
THIS IS MY COUNTRY!
And, because I make this statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration!!!
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE IN MY COUNTRY.
Welcome to come through like everyone else has.
Get a sponsor!
Get a place to lay your head!
Get a job!
Live by OUR rules!
Pay YOUR taxes!
And LEARN THE LANGUAGE LIKE ALL OTHER
IMMIGRANTS HAVE IN THE PAST!!! AND PLEASE DON'T DEMAND THAT WE HAND OVER OUR LIFETIME SAVINGS OF SOCIAL SECURITY FUNDS TO YOU TO MAKE UP FOR ''YOUR'' LOSSES.
If you don't want to forward this for fear of off ending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
When will AMERICAN'S STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS???
We've gone so far the other way ...bent over backwards not to offend anyone. But it seems no one cares about the AMERICAN that's being offended!
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007
New Rule:
No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies, and new homes, and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And, by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my "PIN" number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called " The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cin eplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember, the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And, I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than "minimum wage," th en, for God's sake, don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
Subject: MY COUNTRY
THIS IS OUR COUNTRY.
Let me make this perfectly clear!
THIS IS MY COUNTRY!
And, because I make this statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration!!!
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE IN MY COUNTRY.
Welcome to come through like everyone else has.
Get a sponsor!
Get a place to lay your head!
Get a job!
Live by OUR rules!
Pay YOUR taxes!
And LEARN THE LANGUAGE LIKE ALL OTHER
IMMIGRANTS HAVE IN THE PAST!!! AND PLEASE DON'T DEMAND THAT WE HAND OVER OUR LIFETIME SAVINGS OF SOCIAL SECURITY FUNDS TO YOU TO MAKE UP FOR ''YOUR'' LOSSES.
If you don't want to forward this for fear of off ending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
When will AMERICAN'S STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS???
We've gone so far the other way ...bent over backwards not to offend anyone. But it seems no one cares about the AMERICAN that's being offended!
