Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

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  1. syscom3

    syscom3 Pacific Historian

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    September 26, 2001 | The Onion Issue 37•34

    Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

    JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

    "I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

    The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

    According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

    "There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."


    "Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

    "I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

    Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

    "It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

    Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

    "Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."
     
  2. freebird

    freebird Active Member

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    I hope somebody translates this into arabic...
     
  3. Clave

    Clave Well-Known Member

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    The Onion is awesome! :lol:
     
  4. syscom3

    syscom3 Pacific Historian

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    :lol:
     
  5. freebird

    freebird Active Member

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    [جهنّم], خارجيّة [درنسّ-ث] مختطفات الذي وفى ال [سبت.]. 11 هجوم على العالم تجارة مركز وبانتاغون عبّر عن إرباك ومفاجأة يوم الإثنين أن يجدبنفسي في الطائرة منخفضة [ن'ر], إسلام جحيم.

    "وعدت أنا كان أنا أنفقت أبديّ في جنة, يكون يغذّى [هوني] قوالب ب 67 [فيرجنس] في [تري-ليند] حديقة, إن فقط أنا طرت الطائرة داخل واحدة من البرت مزدوجة," قال محمّد [أتّا], واحدة من المختطفات من [أمريكن يرلينس] رحلة 11, بين محاولات أن يتقيّأ فوق الدبابير, [هورنتس], وعشت نوع فحم يجتاح معدته. "غير أنّ بدلا من ذلك, غذّيت أنا ال يغلي براز الخائنات بخبيثة, يضحك [إيفريت]. يكون هذا أن يكون مكافأتي ل يدمّر العدوات من إيماني? "

    التفت الإستراحة من [أتّا] كلمات إلى صرخات [رو-ثروأتد], بما أنّ [ا] [تثسكد], [أسب-تونغد] شيطانة انفجر مقله وشرب السائل أنّ ركض نزولا إلى وجهه.

    وفقا ل جحيم مصادر, ال 19 أبديّا قد كافح يلعن إرهابيات أن يفهم لما هم يتلقّى يكون عرضت إلى [سول-ويثرينغ], تعذيب جهنّميّة منذ [سبت.] هم. 11 وصول.


    "كان هناك احتراق مشاغبة من مشتعلة فولاذ ووقود في بواباتنا, ومن هو خطا فصاعدا هذا مختطفات, ال يبارك اسم من اللورد سابقا يلتفت إلى نحاس أصفر [مولتن] على شفاتهم ملعونة," قال [إيبليس] ال [ثريس-دمند], ال [ككدمون] حمّل مع يجنّد وصولات جديدة داخل الرتب من ال نسي. "حقّا, لا يعرف أنا ماذا هم كان توقّعوا, غير أنّ هم بالتّأكيد لم يبدووا يعدّ أن يكون سفّد من عين مقبس تجويف إلى فتحة برميل وبعد ذلك وضعت على بصاق [س ثت] لحمتهم استطاع كنت شويت ب ال يجفّف عاصفة الريح أيّ يصدر فصاعدا من الأوراك [أسمودي]. "


    "أيّ يكون غريبة عندما يعتبر أنت الشر مع أيّ هم أنهوا حيواتهم وأنّ من هكذا كثير أخرى," أضاف [إيبليس], [أبسنتمينددلي] يبرم الالطّرف المختطفة [أبدول] [أزيز] [ألومري] داخل أشكال فاحشة [أونسبكبلي].

    "قلت أنا كان أنّ هذا أمريكيات كانوا عدوات من الواحدة يصحّ دين, وأنّ سماء كان مكافأتي لتضحيتي نبيلة," قال [ألومري], أعزام قبل أن فكّه كان قصصت بعيدا بقزمات [فسلسّ]. "غير أنّ الآن أجبرت أنا أن يرضع من ال 16 سمّم [تت] [لثرن] [غفهمت], [وهور] التضليل, إلى أن أنا أنفجر من [إنغرجمنت] ضارّة من يخثر صفراء. هذا ينبغي كنت بعض نوع من غلطة رهيبة. "

    I wonder if this web-arabic translator will work? I hope some jihadi's will read this
     
  6. Clave

    Clave Well-Known Member

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    What is sad is that 99.99% of Muslims just want to live in peace, and understand that murder/suicide are expressly forbidden just the same as for Christians...

    If there was no religion at all, then I am convinced that War would be reduced by at least 75%...
     
  7. mkloby

    mkloby Active Member

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    That trivializes the role economics has played in warfare throughout history.
     
  8. Matt308

    Matt308 Glock Perfection
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    I'm not buying that, Clave. I think your numbers a little too conservative for my reality.
     
  9. wilbur1

    wilbur1 Active Member

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    Ditto! more like 9.99%
     
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