Letter to a prospective USAF pilot... (advisory)

Discussion in 'OFF-Topic / Misc.' started by oldcrowcv63, Apr 9, 2016.

  1. oldcrowcv63

    oldcrowcv63 Well-Known Member

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    I am D.J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to
    be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take in high
    school to help the career I want to take later in life? What could I do to get
    into the Air Force Academy?

    Sincerely,

    DJ
    Baker

    *********************************************

    From:
    Van Wickler, Kenneth, LtCol, HQ AETC

    Anybody
    in our outfit want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?

    LTC
    Wickler

    **********************************************

    A
    worldly and jaded C130 pilot, Major Hunter Mills,

    rises
    to the task of answering the young man's letter.

    **********************************************

    Dear
    DJ,

    Obviously,
    through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been
    poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter
    pilots.

    Unfortunately,
    this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've
    found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's boys with inferiority
    complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However,
    rather then dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot, I offer the
    following alternative:

    What
    you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding world
    of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing, the venerable
    workhorse, the C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has
    led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the ground, with the
    navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an alternate route to the
    drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while
    eating a box lunch with the engineer in the back relieving himself and the
    loadmaster puking in his trash can!

    I
    tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw
    tanks, HUMVs, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry
    about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car!
    No where else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and
    stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again before range
    control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk
    about exotic travel; when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for
    3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself
    in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad taste in their
    mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not something those C-141
    Stratolift pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!

    As
    far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

    1.
    Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you can
    muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and when
    trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he
    owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes the other
    20%.

    2.
    Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of
    biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer
    before the tremendous case of the G.I.s catches up to you from that meal you
    ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some God-forsaken
    foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.

    3.
    Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter
    to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of
    the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince
    the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every
    sensibility of the local religion and culture.

    4.
    A foreign language is helpful but not required. You will never be able to
    pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore
    them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and
    bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and
    in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in other
    countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the
    addressee.

    5.
    A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic location of
    all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to
    stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to your living
    room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and beer stein
    collection.

    Well,
    DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about the
    Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too
    few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced
    education. A
    nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better
    choice.

    Hunter
    Mills,

    Major
    USAF
     
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