Quotes and Jokes (16 Viewers)

[RabidAlien]

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that since her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to
gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"

"1215," the guide answered.

The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an
hour."

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[tengu1979]

I just hope I will not offend anyone but I find it hilarious...

The Airliner Cruises over the Pacific. Captain is Jewish and Co-pilot Chineese.
Suddenly Captain says:
- I hate Chineese
_why you hate Chineese? - asks co-pilot
- Cause they bombed Pearl Harbor
- That was Japanese not Chineese
- Japaneese, Chineese, Vietnameese they are all the same.
They continue flight in complete silence till co-pilot turns ands says:
- And I hate Jews
- Why do you hate jews?
- Cause they sank Titanic
- It was no Jew it was an Iceberg
- Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg they are all the same....

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[RabidAlien]

• "A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country." ~ Tex Guinan

• "Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so." ~ Gore Vidal

• "Don't vote; it only encourages them." ~ Author Unknown

• "I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians." ~ Charles de Gaulle

• "I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them." ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

• "If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates." ~ Jay Leno

• "If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven." ~ Will Rogers

• "Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks." ~ Doug Larson

• "Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel." ~ John Quinton

• "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river." ~ Nikita Khrushchev

• "Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other." ~ Oscar Ameringer

• "The problem with political jokes is they get elected." ~ Henry Cate, VII

• "There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators." ~ Will Rogers

• "Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." ~ Plato

• "We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." ~ Aesop

• "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." ~ Clarence Darrow

• "Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you." ~ Author Unknown

 

[Gnomey]

 

[javlin]

Happy Bday Hugh


An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where
he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[javlin]

Things Confucius did not say......

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Lion will not cheat on wife, but tiger woods.

 

[Matt308]

Those were damn clever.

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

Good find RA!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[michaelmaltby]

Harold Roger, two Engineers from Newfoundland, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of dis here flagpole says Harold, but we gots no jesus ladder'


The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and proudly announced 'twenty one feet, six inches' and walked away.


Roger just shakes his head and laughed, ' lord tunderin jesus, Harold, just like a woman, we want the height and she gives us the godamn length'.

 

[gumbyk]

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

 

[vikingBerserker]