Workshop Tool Guide

Discussion in 'OFF-Topic / Misc.' started by Colin1, Jun 30, 2009.

  1. Colin1

    Colin1 Active Member

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    #1 Colin1, Jun 30, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2009
    Snafud1, Messy1, Aaron Brooks Wolters
    and anyone else with a leaning toward auto DIY:

    DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t '

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    BENCH SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch projectiles for testing wall and ceiling integrity.

    HYDRAULIC TROLLEY JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces so that they more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line, instead of the outside.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used for making hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, door trims, liquids in plastic bottles, auto magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    F**K IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'F**k it' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
     
  2. Graeme

    Graeme Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant Colin! :)

    Especially cardboard boxes containing trampoline mats. Once you realise what you've done it can then be used as the...
     
  3. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Active Member

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  4. trackend

    trackend Active Member

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    nice one colin:lol:
    I found another use for utility knives. slicing through thumbs, managed to collect half a dozen stitches 3 months ago while stripping cables on a cold night I went through the nerves so now I cant feel anything above the knuckle.
    Handy when I miss with the hammer though:rolleyes:
     
  5. Bucksnort101

    Bucksnort101 Well-Known Member

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    Bandaids: Used immediately after using your F**K It tool after sawing, slicing, or hammering a useful body part off.

    I keep my first aid stuff pretty close to my work area as I am prone to damaging myself when working on a project with power/handtools.
     
  6. wheelsup_cavu

    wheelsup_cavu Well-Known Member

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    That was hilarious Colin. :toothy7:

    This is the tool with which I am the most familiar.
    Typically I am not finished with it before it becomes one though. :rolleyes:


    Wheels
     
  7. Airframes

    Airframes Benevolens Magister

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    That all sound SO familiar! You missed one though Colin - The Precision Adjustment and Locating Caliper, commonly known as a lump hammer!
     
  8. vikingBerserker

    vikingBerserker Well-Known Member

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    That was friken hysterical!!!
     
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