Quokes/Jotes

Discussion in 'OFF-Topic / Misc.' started by GermansRGeniuses, Mar 3, 2005.

  1. GermansRGeniuses

    GermansRGeniuses Active Member

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    "A hard man is good to find." - Mae West. :lol:


    Contribute. ;)
     
  2. trackend

    trackend Active Member

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    A guy is talking about his boring sex life with a friend .

    "I don't, know how to put the fun back into it Charlie"

    "What,s your favorite position Fred ?"

    "I haven't really got a preference "

    "Have you tried the Buckaroo Fred?"

    "Whats that? I ain't heard of it "

    "You take her doggie style, call out an ex girl friends name
    see how long you can stay on for" :shock:
     
  3. cheddar cheese

    cheddar cheese Active Member

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  4. the lancaster kicks ass

    the lancaster kicks ass Active Member

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  5. mosquitoman

    mosquitoman Active Member

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    What have your girlfriend and a hoover got in common?
    When it stops sucking it's time to change the bag
     
  6. mosquitoman

    mosquitoman Active Member

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    Sorry to any girls on the site :oops:
     
  7. Nonskimmer

    Nonskimmer Active Member

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    :D Nah!
    Good joke, btw! :lol:
     
  8. cheddar cheese

    cheddar cheese Active Member

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    Aye thats a good one :lol:
     
  9. trackend

    trackend Active Member

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    Quote from my old man when asked this question "are you going to the 60th D-Day commemorations at Normandy this year Bill? apparently there's even going to be some Germans there"

    "There where Germans there the last time I went in 1944"
     
  10. mosquitoman

    mosquitoman Active Member

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  11. Nonskimmer

    Nonskimmer Active Member

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    :lol: Good sense of humour.
     
  12. trackend

    trackend Active Member

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    He's a cantankerous old git at times but he's still my dad I'm very proud of the bit he did and as he has said to me it is only though the old timers that the dead really have a voice as they saw them die, most of them without any heroics and i have to admit the few by comparison that ive seen go don't have many famous last words apart from " mum".
     
  13. Crazy

    Crazy Member

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    The entrance door of the plane opens and two men dressed in Pilots'
    uniforms walk up the aisle.

    Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
    tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

    Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
    the door closes, and the engines start up.

    The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
    that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

    The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting
    in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

    As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
    panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

    The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon
    all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is
    in good hands.

    In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

    "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
    gonna die."

    :D
     
  14. Nonskimmer

    Nonskimmer Active Member

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  15. cheddar cheese

    cheddar cheese Active Member

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  16. trackend

    trackend Active Member

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    I like it crazy :D
    I'm in Marbella(spain) at the moment and I think the pilot on my flight in was one of them guys we must have bounced ten ft in the air on touch down and as my missus is a bad flyer it nearly cost me two broken fingers she squeezed them so hard :cry: I dont know about Boeing it was more like boing.
     
  17. cheddar cheese

    cheddar cheese Active Member

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    :lol:

    Having a good time though I hope! 8)
     
  18. Nonskimmer

    Nonskimmer Active Member

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    Military Humour

    On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the
    field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the
    field, with the control tower in the middle.

    One day the tower received a call from an aircraft
    asking, "What time is it?"

    The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

    The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

    The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
    If it's an American Airlines flight, it 3 o'clock.
    If it's an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
    If it's a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
    If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
    If it's a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

    *********************

    During training exercises, the lieutenant who was
    driving down a muddy back road encountered another car
    stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
    wheel.

    "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he
    pulled alongside.

    "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
    him the keys, "Yours is."


    *********************

    Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

    Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

    Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now
    let's try it again!"

    Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

    Soldier: "No, SIR!"

    *********************

    Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your
    party?
    A: He'll tell you.


    Q: What's the difference between God and fighter
    pilots?
    A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

    Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a
    jet engine?
    A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts
    down.


    **********************

    An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were
    sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting
    finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached
    for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

    The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!
    My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

    The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead
    and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of
    a whorehouse smells like."

    **********************

    "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come piss on my grave."
    "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again."
     
  19. mosquitoman

    mosquitoman Active Member

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    Very good.
    Writing on the side of a V1: Hello RAF, have your guns jammed again?
     
  20. reddragon

    reddragon Member

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    How can you tell when a politician is lying?

    His lips are moving.
     
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