Quokes/Jotes

[Nonskimmer]

Probably true.

 

[evangilder]

Good one, Joe!

 

[Pisis]

lol gr8, got it saved! cool picture!

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

 

[cheddar cheese]

 

[mosquitoman]

Here's one:

A cannibal passed his brother in the woods

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

"A hard man is good to find." - Mae West.


Contribute.

Loved Mae West, and also W.C. Fields-- "My little Chick-a-dee" Aaaaah yeees!! So, if I may, I'll add a brief line from their careers- 1930'2- 1940's era.

Mae: When she married, reporters discovered that she and her husband were planning a honeymoon in Europe. As they were walking towards the Queen Mary, a reporter asked her what she wanted to see a lot of in Europe-- "Ceilings, dearie-ceilings" was her answer.

When Jack Benny invited W.C. Fields to be a guest on his radio show, Fields agreed, with the stipulation that he bring along his son, Chester- to "get a feel for the entertainment business". Jack didn't realize that Fields didn't have a son then, Fields recruited some stage hand, named him Chester- Chester Fields- and at that time, Jack Benny's sponsor was American Tobacco, makers of Lucky Strikes. It was a bit later before an exec. with American Tobacco Co. caught on. He was not "amused"

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

My sister sent me this. She's always sendin' me stuff.
Thought it was kinda cute.

Sorry, I couldn't get the parrot joke to come up. So, if I may, I'll tell one from my "scrapbook": A rich single Park Avenue broad is lonely in her townhouse, so she walks into a fancy pet shoppe in NYC, looking for a trained parrot. The young salesman, eager to make a sale, leads her to the back of the store, and shows her a big parrot, perched on a bar, and with a tag tied to each of its legs. "Does this bird talk?" she asks. "Oh yes M'am. just ask him anything you want". "Polly wanna cracker?, she asks. "Oh yes I do, and please make it a Ritz cracker, if you would be so kind" replied the bird. "Oh, she exclaimed, that's just wonderful. I think I'll take him home with me today-but tell me, does the perch come with 'Polly'?" "Certainly, madame, as well as the leg tags." "Oh my, whatever are they for?"- "Well Madame, the previous owner trained this bird by using the leg tags-- when you tug on the right side tag, the bird whistles "Yankee Doodle Dandy"-- and when you tug on the left side tag, the bird whistles "The Stars and Stripes Forever" "Oh, that's just amazing, indeed-- but pray tell, what does the bird do if you pull both leg tags at the same time?"-- "I fall offa this friggin' perch and land an me arse, you dumb broad, whaadda think was gonna happen?" was the bird's reply.

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Brilliant Fly I got a real buzz outta that one

I have just seen the worst joke in the world on a works forum posting so I must apologise before hand for its contents before pasteing it.

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
.........

Ees.....
Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Michael Jackson's favourite song?

I'm forever blowing Bubbles.

Wonder who has "filled in for Mr. Moonwalker" to keep those Bubbles a'blowin' in the wind??-- Along those lines-- A rich businessman, but frugal, has made a lifetime out of denying his society-matron wife certain luxuries-and as they had no children, his main interest in life was his prized rose garden. He dies at age 66-and his wife inherits everything. In his will, he requests cremation, and that she scatter his ashes on his prize roses. After the service and the cremation, she returns home, after a shopping trip, and takes down his picture from the mantle, and sets it, along with the box containing his ashes, on the dining room table. "Well, my dear, I know you are in a better place, and I will comply with your wishes as to the roses- But first, let me take off the new mink coat I bought at Saks, and put it in the closet. I'm still getting used to the new air conditioning I had installed yesterday. Tomorrow, the contractor comes to install the outdoor spa and hot tub. I'm going to move your old Buick out of the garage soon, as I am trading it in on a Bentley. Hope you don't mind, but just in case you think I am a heartless old bitch"- and at those words, she dumps his ashes out on the table, inhales a deep breath, and blows them to the four corners- and says: "And here's that blow job you were always begging for"!!!

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Speaking as a Jew, some jokes I find funny, others I may or may not. But I certainly don't take offense. I realize that in most cases, it is not anti-semitism or anti-whatever. I have to say that most of the really good Jewish jokes I have heard were out of the mouths of Jews. The thing to keep in mind is that I don't think anyone here would tell a joke with the intent of offending someone.

Pisis, are you Jewish? I can only assume with some of the things you have posted that you may be, but I don't want to assume anything.

My best friend from childhood was/ Lennie Teitelbaum-I learned some useful Yiddish expressions from him back in HS, and when I told him this joke (I'm a Catholic, by the way)--he broke up laughing.

"The Convent of Saint Rose of Lima lost their custodian, Mr. Brownlee, to retirement, and ran ads looking to hire his replacement- After interviews, the Mother Superior decided to take a "leap of faith" and hire a Mr. Epstein--Turned out to be a good choice, as he was an excellent worker, always on time, and diligent and respectful to the Sisters of the Order.

After a year of employment, Mr. Epstein approached the Mother Superior, and asked for a raise in his pay. "Well, Mr. Epstein, your performance has been quite good, and I shall pass along your request -but before I do that, on your behalf, I must ask you to change one thing- please remember that when you address me, I am the Mother Superior, and NOT the Mother Shapairo".