the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
haha!! 
brilliant!!
brilliant!!
Quokes/Jotes
- Thread starter GermansRGeniuses
- Start date
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cheddar cheese
Major General
Cool.
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Some Jewish jokes, youll probably know some of them, since some are very popular
Q: What's the Jewish dilema?
A: Pork in sale!
---
Q: Why do Jews have so big noses?
A: Cuz the air is free.
---
Two Jewish women met after a long time.
"So how is it going, my friend? Do you have any kids yet?" asks one.
"No. And you?" the second replies
"Yeah! The lawyer is three and the doctor is five."
---
An poor Jewish young man has a big family and their hut is getting smaller and smaller with every new kid. So he goes to ask the rabbi what to do.
The rabbi asks him: "Do you have a dog and a cat?"
"Yes, of course"
"So take let them live inside of your house for a week and then come to visit me again"
So the man does how the rabbi adviced him. When he returns after the week, he says: "Dear rabbi, what did you adviced me, it's even worst!"
The rabbi replies: "Don't worry, go home now and take also your chickens inside and come to visit me after another week."
When he is visiting the rabbi next week, he's almost agressive. "What did you do to me, the entire room is full of feather, shit and mess by the animals!"
The rabbi just smiles and say: "Son, go home now, kick all the animals out, clean up the house and come to visit me next week."
When the man is visiting the rabbi next week, he thanks him and kissing his hands: "Oh you clever rabbi, I never knew how could be my place so big!"
Q: What's the Jewish dilema?
A: Pork in sale!
---
Q: Why do Jews have so big noses?
A: Cuz the air is free.
---
Two Jewish women met after a long time.
"So how is it going, my friend? Do you have any kids yet?" asks one.
"No. And you?" the second replies
"Yeah! The lawyer is three and the doctor is five."
---
An poor Jewish young man has a big family and their hut is getting smaller and smaller with every new kid. So he goes to ask the rabbi what to do.
The rabbi asks him: "Do you have a dog and a cat?"
"Yes, of course"
"So take let them live inside of your house for a week and then come to visit me again"
So the man does how the rabbi adviced him. When he returns after the week, he says: "Dear rabbi, what did you adviced me, it's even worst!"
The rabbi replies: "Don't worry, go home now and take also your chickens inside and come to visit me after another week."
When he is visiting the rabbi next week, he's almost agressive. "What did you do to me, the entire room is full of feather, shit and mess by the animals!"
The rabbi just smiles and say: "Son, go home now, kick all the animals out, clean up the house and come to visit me next week."
When the man is visiting the rabbi next week, he thanks him and kissing his hands: "Oh you clever rabbi, I never knew how could be my place so big!"
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Chrisitian:
A hunter is wandering through African countryside. Suddenly he spots a Lion. He wants to shoot him, but the rifle gets jammed and it's too late to run away. So he stick his hands together, looks upwards and starts to pray: "Oh dear God, please let this Lion have the Chrisitan mind, please!"
Suddenly a lighting goes down from the sky, hitting the beast. He sticks his paws together and starts to pray: "Oh dear God, thanks for your crops, give me your blessings on that meal I'm going to eat"
A hunter is wandering through African countryside. Suddenly he spots a Lion. He wants to shoot him, but the rifle gets jammed and it's too late to run away. So he stick his hands together, looks upwards and starts to pray: "Oh dear God, please let this Lion have the Chrisitan mind, please!"
Suddenly a lighting goes down from the sky, hitting the beast. He sticks his paws together and starts to pray: "Oh dear God, thanks for your crops, give me your blessings on that meal I'm going to eat"
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
i like that one............
marconi
Airman 1st Class
Rabbi is sitting at the roof of his house during the flood. and praying to the God: Dear God I always did as the Bible says and served You well.Protect me from the flood.
A boat comes to his house and that are sitting there tell to rabbi to got on the boat, but rabbi replies: No, my God will save me.
Boat departs.Soon another boat appears, but rabbi rejects this help too.Then the third boat comes to help rabbi but he reject this help too.Then the level of water rises and rabbi sinks.
He stands in front of God in heaven.
R: "My Lord why didn't you save me?Didn't I serve you well?Weren't my prays sincere enough?"
G: "You, moron, I've send three boats to save you"
A boat comes to his house and that are sitting there tell to rabbi to got on the boat, but rabbi replies: No, my God will save me.
Boat departs.Soon another boat appears, but rabbi rejects this help too.Then the third boat comes to help rabbi but he reject this help too.Then the level of water rises and rabbi sinks.
He stands in front of God in heaven.
R: "My Lord why didn't you save me?Didn't I serve you well?Weren't my prays sincere enough?"
G: "You, moron, I've send three boats to save you"
cheddar cheese
Major General
I saw it coming but still good
Nonskimmer
Captain
Good one.
marconi
Airman 1st Class
Did he really said that? Some of George Bush's aphorisms taken from American press.
- It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
- The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady, in my case.
- Families is where our nation find hope, where wings take dream.
- When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.
- I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.
- One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
- I am responsible for all of my mistakes. And so are you.
- For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.
- The American peoples expectations are that we will fail. Our mission is to exceed their expectations.
- Education is my top priority. However, education is not my top priority.
The mission must be to fight and win war and therefore to prevent war from happening in the first place.
The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.
The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself. (my favorite)
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
It's your money. You paid for it.
Reading is not an art. It's a science.
Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.
- It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
- The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady, in my case.
- Families is where our nation find hope, where wings take dream.
- When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.
- I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California.
- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.
- One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
- I am responsible for all of my mistakes. And so are you.
- For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.
- The American peoples expectations are that we will fail. Our mission is to exceed their expectations.
- Education is my top priority. However, education is not my top priority.
The mission must be to fight and win war and therefore to prevent war from happening in the first place.
The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.
The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself. (my favorite)
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
It's your money. You paid for it.
Reading is not an art. It's a science.
Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.
cheddar cheese
Major General
Theyre good!
Medvedya
Master Sergeant
cheddar cheese
Major General
Medvedya said:
Haha brilliant
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
I like most the "One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures"
Another one is "We must brake the terrieres" (instead of barriers...)
He's trully an idiot. We had a quite same pre-1989 PM, called Milouš Jakeš, whose IQ had to be lower then a parrot (BTW, in compaharson IQ test: Gorilla Koko has more then GWB! really!!) who was talking unbelieveable shits in the "parlament". Like mistaking boiler for broilers (a type of chicken grown for meat), etc...
Another one is "We must brake the terrieres" (instead of barriers...)
He's trully an idiot. We had a quite same pre-1989 PM, called Milouš Jakeš, whose IQ had to be lower then a parrot (BTW, in compaharson IQ test: Gorilla Koko has more then GWB! really!!) who was talking unbelieveable shits in the "parlament". Like mistaking boiler for broilers (a type of chicken grown for meat), etc...marconi
Airman 1st Class
Made a mistake here.This is my favorite:
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Prince joke:
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom far, far away. A born of a prince is awaited, and in the day of his born, three magic faireys are invited to his blessing. The first one blesses him with a great charme, the second one gives him a great power - when suddenly the door is open, the old evil fairey is there! she was not invited. She screams: "As a revenge, I make you being short of your dick! Muhahahaha" And she disappears in a cloud of a smoke. But the third fairey says "Don't worry, I bless you that when you will be 20 years old, your problem will be solved."
The prince grows, he is very handsome, has muscle body, but instead of his dick he has a pin. Yeah, an aluminium pin. When he celebrates his 20 birthday, he has also his wedding. He is a groom to a wonderful princess, with long blonde hair and big tits. When the go to the honey bed, he is being very nervous. "Don't be nervous, everything's gonna be allright, you'll see..." whispers the princess to prince's ear. She slowly and cutely catches his pin/dick, then slowly pulls it out... And you know what happened? Prince's arse fell off!
---
Blonde girl joke:
A blonde cutie stands in front of a shop showglass. There's a big sign on the door: No blondies allowed!
But she gives herself a courage, goes in and says: "I'd likhe too bay these telly, pleaze!" But the shop asisstant says: "Cannot you read, bitch? No blondies!" So she almost starts to cry and runs home.
Another day, she wears a fake black hair and enters the shop again. Says: "Hellooo, this nice tevee, please!" But the guy just rips her with his eyes, and says: "I told you yesterday, that no blondes are allowed to make shoppings here! This ain't a TV, this is a microwave oven!"
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom far, far away. A born of a prince is awaited, and in the day of his born, three magic faireys are invited to his blessing. The first one blesses him with a great charme, the second one gives him a great power - when suddenly the door is open, the old evil fairey is there! she was not invited. She screams: "As a revenge, I make you being short of your dick! Muhahahaha" And she disappears in a cloud of a smoke. But the third fairey says "Don't worry, I bless you that when you will be 20 years old, your problem will be solved."
The prince grows, he is very handsome, has muscle body, but instead of his dick he has a pin. Yeah, an aluminium pin. When he celebrates his 20 birthday, he has also his wedding. He is a groom to a wonderful princess, with long blonde hair and big tits. When the go to the honey bed, he is being very nervous. "Don't be nervous, everything's gonna be allright, you'll see..." whispers the princess to prince's ear. She slowly and cutely catches his pin/dick, then slowly pulls it out... And you know what happened? Prince's arse fell off!
---
Blonde girl joke:
A blonde cutie stands in front of a shop showglass. There's a big sign on the door: No blondies allowed!
But she gives herself a courage, goes in and says: "I'd likhe too bay these telly, pleaze!" But the shop asisstant says: "Cannot you read, bitch? No blondies!" So she almost starts to cry and runs home.
Another day, she wears a fake black hair and enters the shop again. Says: "Hellooo, this nice tevee, please!" But the guy just rips her with his eyes, and says: "I told you yesterday, that no blondes are allowed to make shoppings here! This ain't a TV, this is a microwave oven!"
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
plan_D said:Of course it's lower than a parrot's IQ, at least a parrot can speak properly (as long as you teach it properly).
And now take in mind that these 100+ phat mutherfucking evil red cretins (they were just dummy rednecks, mostly) were running the country. Look at these faces. Like robots...
... Marconi I'm glad about Jusčenko, I had a friend from UA who escaped because of Kučma... But Viki also cannot be white as a lilly (thas my personal opinion...). But still uncomparable, right?
cheddar cheese
Major General
Answering Machine Messages
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy
message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason
for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up
and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a
message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy
message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason
for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up
and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a
message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.