vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
I should not have looked at that while eating lunch!
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter v2
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Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Excellent! 
at6
1st Sergeant
During the latest anti-terror raid, a woman set off her suicide vest. She won't have the guts to try twice.
at6
1st Sergeant
The ringleader's cousin was expecting to have a blast. It left her feeling gutted. How much energy did she have afterwards? She was gutless.
at6
1st Sergeant
Why did they think her eyes were blue? One blew this way and one blew that way.
Aw...man....
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
michaelmaltby
Colonel
I was traveling between Toronto and Peterborough the other day when a tire blew.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied
"You a Liberal or Conservative," asked the old man. "Conservative", I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Conservative." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be very few Conservative
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative
"Liberal" I shouted. "Hop in!" replied the blonde
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me,
the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts,
and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car; I have to get out.
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked."I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Liberal for five minutes
and already I want to screw somebody!"
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied
"You a Liberal or Conservative," asked the old man. "Conservative", I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Conservative." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be very few Conservative
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative
"Liberal" I shouted. "Hop in!" replied the blonde
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me,
the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts,
and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car; I have to get out.
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked."I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Liberal for five minutes
and already I want to screw somebody!"
Crimea_River
Marshal
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
- Thread starter
- #8,259
Funeral Flowers
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
