Lucky13
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Much was made of a recent study for the Science Museum suggesting men tell more lies than women. According to excited newspaper columnists, men had been 'rumbled'. Apparently, we lie to impress, we lie to deceive, and we lie because we are men and that is what men do.
But the findings were a bit less black and white than that. Men do lie more than women, according to the study. But while men average over a thousand lies a year, women still weighed in with a hefty 728.
And the most common subject men lie about? Our drinking habits. Which begs the obvious question, so what? I always knock a pint off the previous night's tally when my better half is within hearing range. It saves her from worrying - and is thus not so much a fib as an act of kindness.
So what fibs do women tell men? Well, by combining the results of the Science Museum study and a straw poll of 'men we know', MSN Him has come up with the definitive list. Have you heard one of these recently...?
Nothing's wrong, I'm fine
According to the Science Museum study, this is the most popular lie told by women. Like we didn't know. On a bad day I hear it a couple of times before breakfast.
And of course, most men react to its utterance as if confronted by zombies, because what it actually means is: "I am sooo not fine. But I intend to let you stew for a while before starting a blazing row just before your parents turn up."
It wasn't expensive
The literal interpretation of this porky is, of course, "it was very expensive indeed". Women use it because they like to shop and, however much they bang on about the joys of Poundstretcher and Primark, they really like to shop in Harvey Nicks.
But as lies go, it's not such a bad one. At least she's bothering to lie. A worse indication of the state of your relationship would be a brazen disregard for the shopping addiction that will eventually cost you your credit rating, your house and your sanity.
I'm on my way
If she rings or texts to tell you that she is 'on her way', the only course of action is to open an unabridged version of War and Peace.
Because there is every chance she is not on her way. She might be trying on an outfit. She might be taking it off again. She might be trying on the outfit she first tried on 20 minutes ago. Whatever it is, she is categorically not 'on her way'.
That was the best sex ever!
There are two possibilities here. The first is that it really was the best sex ever and she isn't lying at all. More likely, it's a big fat fib designed to massage your ego, salvage a dying relationship, or tempt you reluctantly into further late night shenanigans.
And that's not a good sign. She shouldn't have to lie to keep you interested. If you realistically conclude that there is no way on God's good earth that it was the best sex ever, proceed with caution.
My phone ran out of credit/battery/signal
If repeated regularly, this classic can mean any number of things, none of them good. Maybe you're in the doghouse. Maybe she's getting bored with you. Maybe she's having an amorous liaison with your best friend.
OK, the last one is probably a little over the top. But then again, maybe not. There's some reason she doesn't want to talk to you, after all.
It's not you, it's me
This roughly translates as, "it's not me, it's you".
I haven't touched it
You've been looking for something for ages, so you ask her if she's seen it. "I haven't touched it!" she cries, somewhat defensively. She looks down at her magazine and refuses to look you in the eye.
Which almost certainly means that she did see it, about three seconds before she chucked it in the bin. That's even more likely if the 'it' in question is a) your lucky pulling pants, b) something given to you by an ex-girlfriend or c) Playboy.
I've got a headache
Before the 1990s, "I've got a headache" was sitcom shorthand for "stop pestering me for sex". Female leads were contractually obliged to utter it at least twice an episode.
Of course, no self-respecting woman would use that hoary old line in the 21st century. Instead they use, "I've got an STD", or "I've got post traumatic stress syndrome (after the last time)", or even, "I absolutely hate having sex with you".
The last one is obviously a lie.
It's what I've always wanted
So you carefully consider her personality, interests and tastes, fight through the Christmas crowds and come away with a present you know she'll love. And of course she hates it.
There's a chance it's not a lie and she really does love it, but you'll get an inkling of the truth on Boxing Day when she asks if you kept the receipt, "just in case".
I don't fancy anyone else!
We should probably accept that, just as we fancy other women, our partners fancy other men. That doesn't mean your own wife or girlfriend will do anything about it, or that she fancies anyone more than you, or that she'd rather be with someone else. It just means that, occasionally, she quite likes the look of another bloke.
By claiming otherwise she is clearly lying, but at least she's lying in a good cause. And the only proper and adult response to her breezy dismissal of the buff, chiselled heartthrob at the other end of the bar is to say, "good job too - everyone knows Dave's gay."
But the findings were a bit less black and white than that. Men do lie more than women, according to the study. But while men average over a thousand lies a year, women still weighed in with a hefty 728.
And the most common subject men lie about? Our drinking habits. Which begs the obvious question, so what? I always knock a pint off the previous night's tally when my better half is within hearing range. It saves her from worrying - and is thus not so much a fib as an act of kindness.
So what fibs do women tell men? Well, by combining the results of the Science Museum study and a straw poll of 'men we know', MSN Him has come up with the definitive list. Have you heard one of these recently...?
Nothing's wrong, I'm fine
According to the Science Museum study, this is the most popular lie told by women. Like we didn't know. On a bad day I hear it a couple of times before breakfast.
And of course, most men react to its utterance as if confronted by zombies, because what it actually means is: "I am sooo not fine. But I intend to let you stew for a while before starting a blazing row just before your parents turn up."
It wasn't expensive
The literal interpretation of this porky is, of course, "it was very expensive indeed". Women use it because they like to shop and, however much they bang on about the joys of Poundstretcher and Primark, they really like to shop in Harvey Nicks.
But as lies go, it's not such a bad one. At least she's bothering to lie. A worse indication of the state of your relationship would be a brazen disregard for the shopping addiction that will eventually cost you your credit rating, your house and your sanity.
I'm on my way
If she rings or texts to tell you that she is 'on her way', the only course of action is to open an unabridged version of War and Peace.
Because there is every chance she is not on her way. She might be trying on an outfit. She might be taking it off again. She might be trying on the outfit she first tried on 20 minutes ago. Whatever it is, she is categorically not 'on her way'.
That was the best sex ever!
There are two possibilities here. The first is that it really was the best sex ever and she isn't lying at all. More likely, it's a big fat fib designed to massage your ego, salvage a dying relationship, or tempt you reluctantly into further late night shenanigans.
And that's not a good sign. She shouldn't have to lie to keep you interested. If you realistically conclude that there is no way on God's good earth that it was the best sex ever, proceed with caution.
My phone ran out of credit/battery/signal
If repeated regularly, this classic can mean any number of things, none of them good. Maybe you're in the doghouse. Maybe she's getting bored with you. Maybe she's having an amorous liaison with your best friend.
OK, the last one is probably a little over the top. But then again, maybe not. There's some reason she doesn't want to talk to you, after all.
It's not you, it's me
This roughly translates as, "it's not me, it's you".
I haven't touched it
You've been looking for something for ages, so you ask her if she's seen it. "I haven't touched it!" she cries, somewhat defensively. She looks down at her magazine and refuses to look you in the eye.
Which almost certainly means that she did see it, about three seconds before she chucked it in the bin. That's even more likely if the 'it' in question is a) your lucky pulling pants, b) something given to you by an ex-girlfriend or c) Playboy.
I've got a headache
Before the 1990s, "I've got a headache" was sitcom shorthand for "stop pestering me for sex". Female leads were contractually obliged to utter it at least twice an episode.
Of course, no self-respecting woman would use that hoary old line in the 21st century. Instead they use, "I've got an STD", or "I've got post traumatic stress syndrome (after the last time)", or even, "I absolutely hate having sex with you".
The last one is obviously a lie.
It's what I've always wanted
So you carefully consider her personality, interests and tastes, fight through the Christmas crowds and come away with a present you know she'll love. And of course she hates it.
There's a chance it's not a lie and she really does love it, but you'll get an inkling of the truth on Boxing Day when she asks if you kept the receipt, "just in case".
I don't fancy anyone else!
We should probably accept that, just as we fancy other women, our partners fancy other men. That doesn't mean your own wife or girlfriend will do anything about it, or that she fancies anyone more than you, or that she'd rather be with someone else. It just means that, occasionally, she quite likes the look of another bloke.
By claiming otherwise she is clearly lying, but at least she's lying in a good cause. And the only proper and adult response to her breezy dismissal of the buff, chiselled heartthrob at the other end of the bar is to say, "good job too - everyone knows Dave's gay."
