...and All is alright with the World.

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You are a beacon of bacon self sacrifice Paul.
We salute your noble efforts.
We also thank you from the heart of our bottom.
 
(Here I go... walking into a meeting of Turkey-Bacon Anonymous. I am ashamed. Even the members of Alcoholics Anonymous refuse to speak to us.)

Hi. I am Jim and I have eaten Turkey-Bacon.
I didn't mean to. It just kinda happened. I am so ashamed.

Sadly, my Wife lost the ability to digest pork (this is actually true). I want you all to understand that this was not the case when we got engaged. I am not a fool.
After her horrible disability appeared, I decided to do the honorable thing and stay married to her. [At this point, you all should be nodding somberly with grudging approval of my noble sacrifice.]

Maybe my misfortune can be of benefit to some of my fellows. The best way to describe the taste of Turkey-Bacon is to paraphrase the writer Douglas Adams: It tastes almost - but not completely - unlike real bacon.

Now, if any of you survive something like the Zombie-apocalypse and, heaven forbid, find yourselves in the situation where you must either eat turkey-bacon or die... this information may save your lives. For God's sake, do not put it into the microwave - when it comes out it will be good for patching your shoes... and that's it.

If you must ( and remember that it is life-or-death here), cook it in a frying pan with a little oil. There comes a moment where it no longer tastes bad ( mind you, I am not saying that it will actually taste like bacon - but it won't taste bad). That moment is about five seconds before it turns black and burns into strips of charcoal. If you remove it from the pan at this magical time, it will cool into something crunchy and relatively unlikely to immediately kill you.
Some say that it should burn a bit, but don't overdo it. The smoke will likely set off any fire alarms in the house and the fire department really dislikes responding to turkey-bacon-related calls.
Other, wiser individuals, will intentionally burn it and use the excuse to go out and get real bacon. But remember, if there is nothing else but turkey-bacon, I have provided potentially life-saving information!

That's it. I have finally confessed my horrible secret. May God have mercy on my soul.

- Jim
 
Matt308 said:
Amen. And I almost banned nincomp outta shear rage. And no, nincomp, God cannot save your soul.
Click to expand...

Oh crap!. Uh, maybe I was kidding? Yeah, that's it, I was kidding. Definitely.
I mean, uh, no manly-man would ever do such a thing. Right? Right?

I should have known that, that, that ... turkey-based substance would poison my mind and cause lapses in judgement.
Oops, I mean that I have heard that certain turkey-based substances could effect some people's minds. Yeah. That's what I meant. I must have read about it somewhere, because I would never associate with someone like that. No siree, not me.
 


You secrets are safe with us....
 
I believe the 'Do Not Microwave! Even Incase Of Zombie Ragnorock' also applies to SPAM, and likely to similar highly processed ('reclaimed') tinned meats.

..unless I crash in the high snow-capped mountains with a football/rugby team (as from the film Alive, based upon a real tragedy); then I would eat microwaved/'nuked'/'zapped' SPAM/Turkey-Bacon as much as possble, well at least before I have to go for the cuisine of human shredded 'calf' or 'buttock' stakes...
Whilst I'd love for this not to happen to anyone let alone me, if I was in that situation, I think I would strive to survive rather than give up (unless a load of Greys turned up along with Liam Neison) - whom wouldn't eh?!
 
Last edited:
'..unless I crash in the high snow-capped mountains with a football/rugby team (as from the film Alive, based upon a real tragedy); then I would eat microwaved/'nuked'/'zapped' SPAM/Turkey-Bacon as much as possble, well at least before I have to go for the cuisine of human shredded 'calf' or 'buttock' stakes...'

If you don't travel to Glascow then you are safe from such a ghastly situation...
In case out trans Atlantic plas wonder what the f**k we are on about, I should point out that after a nights heavy drinking Glaswegians are prone to eat each other....
Be afraid.
 
Some small parts of our so-called fair land arent't fair, aren't always so civilised, and at times makes you wonder if they're in 1st or 2nd World country, let alone be suitable for being called 3rd World at times; 'postcode' youth gang wars anyone?
 


ummmm, doesn't Jan live in Glasgow?.........................oh..........
 
'ummmm, doesn't Jan live in Glasgow?.........................oh.......... '

The most barbaric are the men from across the north sea Chris.
The normal aggressive Scot is quite mild compared to a Swede, full of vodka haggis on rutting night where nothing of female born is safe...
 
Yup, likw watching two bears wrestle under a banket. Was a tight fit in that revolving door
"Another extra large bacon Sunday?"
 

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