Christmas Day in Haslar Hospital

[Red Sailor]

Another gem from the pen of the late Mick Jones written during the 1950's. Haslar Naval Hospital was situated next to HMS Dolphin, the almer mater of the RN Submarine Service in Gosport.

Christmas Day in Haslar

It was Christmas Day in Haslar, the whitewashed halls were hung
with merry festive greetings, all the carols had been sung.

When Matron came to the Men's Ward door, and in a voice so clear
she announced a Royal visitor to bring them Christmas cheer.

Princess Margaret stepped into the room, her tiara on her head
dispensing royal goodwill, as she moved from bed to bed.

She asked each man his trouble, as she moved on through the halls
till she came to the bed of the man who said, he had boils upon his balls.

The Sick Bay Nurses giggled, and the Matron's face went scarlet red
as she pulled Her Royal Highness away from that patient's bed.

"Who gave him sherry trifle, and started off his frolics?
when I get back I'll give him worse than boil's upon his bollocks."

It was Christmas night in the wee small hours, and not a patient stirred
when Matron came to the bed of the man, who had said that awful word.

She pulled the blankets off him, and then upon him she started
"How dare you tell a Royal Princess about your boily parts?"

"If ever again in future we're visited by one of our Royal select
and they ask you what your problem is, please show them some respect.

Think about our reputation, and don't make of us a spectacle
just say they're on your hands or knees, but never on your testicles."

It was Christmas Day in the ward once more, and joy was in the air
once more a Royal visitor, the Queen, herself was there.

Her Majesty walked down the ward, amidst the snap of Xmas cracker's
till she came to the bed of the man who said, he had boils upon his knackers.

When she asked him what his trouble was, his face was full of woe
then inspiration struck him, and he said, "Boils upon my toes".

"How very sad" the Queen replied, "How very sad Oh! Dear"
"they must have spread down from your balls, since our Maggie came last year."


By Jones 'O' Unbroken

from Musings of a Merry Matelot

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO!

 

[Gnomey]

Good one!

Shame Haslar has gone now.

 

[buffnut453]

Laughing my boils off!

 

[pbehn]

Possibly the funniest part is the idea that Margaret would have been embarrassed at all, she would probably want to take away the pain and leave the swelling.

 

[mikewint]

A high ranking pompous general was confined to Walter Reed for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse and a group of young nurse trainees entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" as the tittering and giggles began

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]