Lucky13
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Bl**dy h*ll! 
Get Lucky!
- Thread starter Njaco
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Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
nice!- Thread starter
- #324
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
The Domeless Wonderboy stood in the doorway with a vacant look on his puss. Slowly his hand moved forward and stretched, palm up towards me. He needed to shave between his fingers.
"What?" I asked, my hand ready on the doorknob.
"A tip?" he let it slip from his lips like a hiss.
"Oh," I said, thinking for a second, "Never take a blind date to a silent film." and quickly slammed the door on his road accident of a face.
What was going on? Who would send a Hate-O-Gram? Was it the same person who sent the package? Was I adopted? Just as these thoughts were barreling through my head, another knock came on my door. What was I, a freakin' turnstile for the Chunnel? Opening the door I found two men dressed in pink overalls, lugging a large cardboard box. One had a face the texture of cottage cheese and was smoking a wet cigar that clouded the hallway and the other had a clipboard with a pen dangling from it. The smell of cigar-leadened sweat almost knocked me to my knees. The one with the clipboard spoke.
"You Slade?"
"Who wants to know?" I shot back, starting to get aggitated with all this traffic at my door. And it was time for 'People's Court' to come on cable.
"We got your 'special delivery'. Here, sign this." he said, giving me the clipboard and then he actually winked at me, the flamer. I took the clipboard and looked at the invoice.
"A what???" I stammered.
Tobacco man spoke up.
"This is your new Dream Love Chair. The Dream Love Chair gives you and your partner a complete new dimension to sex. The Chair makes a wide variety of positions possible. But the really unique feature of the DLC are the adjustable natural movements of the seats. It means that you and your partner will have more energy to enjoy it. It also means that the DLC is very well suited for people with a physical disability, overweight or a poor condition. In short, the Dream Love Chair gives a whole new range of challenges to sex." he said, obviously bored.
"A WHAT???" I sputtered, again, "I didn't order this!"
"Isn't that your name and address on the invoice?" asked Liberace. The wheel was spinning, but the hamster was dead.
"Yeah, but I never ordered this!" I yelled again.
"Umm, of course you didn't." he winked again, "We'll just leave this here and quietly walk away, right chum?" With that, the two of them dropped the box with a thump in the doorway and walked away down the stairs. One of them started whistling and staring at the walls as he walked as the other pulled out a spray paint can and tagged the other wall.
"Hey!" I yelled after them, "You can't leave this here!!"
"No worries, gov'nor!" was the only reply as they disappeared down the stairwell. From the bottom of the stairs I could hear one of the dopes yell. "Go, go,go!!!!" and then Phil asking, "Who is it?"
It was while I was contemplating what to do with the boxed love chair when a female voice from the other side of the package asked,
"Are you Sam?"
Sam är ....., Detta är dumt. Hey önska att gå på semester? Vi kan besöka Vasaen. Vasaen byggdes som stoltheten av den svenska marinen. Embarrassingly det som sjunkas på dess jungfru- resa i 1628 i Stockholm.
"What?" I asked, my hand ready on the doorknob.
"A tip?" he let it slip from his lips like a hiss.
"Oh," I said, thinking for a second, "Never take a blind date to a silent film." and quickly slammed the door on his road accident of a face.
What was going on? Who would send a Hate-O-Gram? Was it the same person who sent the package? Was I adopted? Just as these thoughts were barreling through my head, another knock came on my door. What was I, a freakin' turnstile for the Chunnel? Opening the door I found two men dressed in pink overalls, lugging a large cardboard box. One had a face the texture of cottage cheese and was smoking a wet cigar that clouded the hallway and the other had a clipboard with a pen dangling from it. The smell of cigar-leadened sweat almost knocked me to my knees. The one with the clipboard spoke.
"You Slade?"
"Who wants to know?" I shot back, starting to get aggitated with all this traffic at my door. And it was time for 'People's Court' to come on cable.
"We got your 'special delivery'. Here, sign this." he said, giving me the clipboard and then he actually winked at me, the flamer. I took the clipboard and looked at the invoice.
"A what???" I stammered.
Tobacco man spoke up.
"This is your new Dream Love Chair. The Dream Love Chair gives you and your partner a complete new dimension to sex. The Chair makes a wide variety of positions possible. But the really unique feature of the DLC are the adjustable natural movements of the seats. It means that you and your partner will have more energy to enjoy it. It also means that the DLC is very well suited for people with a physical disability, overweight or a poor condition. In short, the Dream Love Chair gives a whole new range of challenges to sex." he said, obviously bored.
"A WHAT???" I sputtered, again, "I didn't order this!"
"Isn't that your name and address on the invoice?" asked Liberace. The wheel was spinning, but the hamster was dead.
"Yeah, but I never ordered this!" I yelled again.
"Umm, of course you didn't." he winked again, "We'll just leave this here and quietly walk away, right chum?" With that, the two of them dropped the box with a thump in the doorway and walked away down the stairs. One of them started whistling and staring at the walls as he walked as the other pulled out a spray paint can and tagged the other wall.
"Hey!" I yelled after them, "You can't leave this here!!"
"No worries, gov'nor!" was the only reply as they disappeared down the stairwell. From the bottom of the stairs I could hear one of the dopes yell. "Go, go,go!!!!" and then Phil asking, "Who is it?"
It was while I was contemplating what to do with the boxed love chair when a female voice from the other side of the package asked,
"Are you Sam?"
Sam är ....., Detta är dumt. Hey önska att gå på semester? Vi kan besöka Vasaen. Vasaen byggdes som stoltheten av den svenska marinen. Embarrassingly det som sjunkas på dess jungfru- resa i 1628 i Stockholm.
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Lucky13
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(standing ovations)
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
I was waiting to see if he was somehow going to use gloryholes in there great work NJ
great work NJ
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
- Thread starter
- #329
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
If It's Lucky.....Its Over!!
Don't scrap your PS2 just yet! This new action/RPG from developer SoiledPants is an experience you won't forget. "Get Lucky" hooks you immediately with its striking visuals, beer coupons and lackluster storytelling, but the battle mechanics and clever systems will have you playing until all of the pieces of this compelling tale fall into place. Never has a game bombed so successfully. Control systems include Smell-O-Vision and a catalog of over 15,000 burp sounds. If Tim Burton and the creators of Barney the Dinosaur ever got together to create a Golden Girls inspired board game, it would probably look like this. "Get Lucky", based on the BBC 61 show, really bridges the gap between being a medical simulation style game with real sheep and a full on interactive adventure title. Practice your typing now by writing to Parker Brothers to demand a recall!
Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?
Don't scrap your PS2 just yet! This new action/RPG from developer SoiledPants is an experience you won't forget. "Get Lucky" hooks you immediately with its striking visuals, beer coupons and lackluster storytelling, but the battle mechanics and clever systems will have you playing until all of the pieces of this compelling tale fall into place. Never has a game bombed so successfully. Control systems include Smell-O-Vision and a catalog of over 15,000 burp sounds. If Tim Burton and the creators of Barney the Dinosaur ever got together to create a Golden Girls inspired board game, it would probably look like this. "Get Lucky", based on the BBC 61 show, really bridges the gap between being a medical simulation style game with real sheep and a full on interactive adventure title. Practice your typing now by writing to Parker Brothers to demand a recall!
Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?
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Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Crikey! 
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
nice!!! I still have my PS2!!
- Thread starter
- #332
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
The blonde on the other side of the box made me forget all about the chair. Then again, it was front and center of my thoughts. She was in a bright red silk, one piece dress that had never covered a knee in its life. It was so tight she must have put it on wet. The yellow locks of her hair cascaded over her shoulder to halfway down her chest, the highlights shimmering in the hallway light. She was a little heavy on the make-up but she looked as if she could suck the colour out of a marble. It had been a long time since anything like her was standing at my door and I couldn't think of anything to say. I just stood there, slowly opening my mouth.
"You gonna let me in?" she asked and gave me a small, fake smile. It seemed forced.
Back to my senses. "Yeah, sure, come on in."
She floated around the box and breezed into the room. She took a quick look around, made a slight shrug and dropped her small matching red purse onto the couch.
"So I take it you're Sam." she stated flatly, still checking out the office.
"Ummm, yeah. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
"Cute" and she rolled her eyes. She started to move things off the couch and tossing them on the floor. The bowling ball made a dent. "This where you want to do it?"
"Do what?" I asked. I was starting to think she'd been down on everything except the Titanic.
"What do you think, dig dum idiot." she said and slowly shook her head and farted. A small sound like a fish belch.
Was she a.....
"Wait a minute. You sure you're at the right place?"
"Sam, right? Look its $50 for a sea adventure and $200 for Around the World. You got anything to drink?" She sat down on the couch and the skirt moved on its own up to her beltline. She wasn't wearing anything underneath.
"Ahhh, yeah...ummm, is beer ok?" I asked, remembering the Blue Ribbon on the floor. She wouldn't know that it was so old it now had a Decease Date. I could see that she was so bow legged she couldn't stop a pig in an alleyway.
"Listen, ahhh...whats your name?" I handed her a beer and sat down on the box. Then thinking the better of it, I stood up again.
"Dixie Normas."
"OK, Dixie. I don't remember calling for any...ahhh...services. Do you know who called you?"
"No, I'm just told where to go." She opened the beer by twisting the cap with her forearm.
"Alright, I really don't want....."
I stopped talking as I felt the cold steel of a gun barrel press up against the back of my neck. A voice came with the gun.
"Freeze!"
See the l0veli lakes
"You gonna let me in?" she asked and gave me a small, fake smile. It seemed forced.
Back to my senses. "Yeah, sure, come on in."
She floated around the box and breezed into the room. She took a quick look around, made a slight shrug and dropped her small matching red purse onto the couch.
"So I take it you're Sam." she stated flatly, still checking out the office.
"Ummm, yeah. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
"Cute" and she rolled her eyes. She started to move things off the couch and tossing them on the floor. The bowling ball made a dent. "This where you want to do it?"
"Do what?" I asked. I was starting to think she'd been down on everything except the Titanic.
"What do you think, dig dum idiot." she said and slowly shook her head and farted. A small sound like a fish belch.
Was she a.....
"Wait a minute. You sure you're at the right place?"
"Sam, right? Look its $50 for a sea adventure and $200 for Around the World. You got anything to drink?" She sat down on the couch and the skirt moved on its own up to her beltline. She wasn't wearing anything underneath.
"Ahhh, yeah...ummm, is beer ok?" I asked, remembering the Blue Ribbon on the floor. She wouldn't know that it was so old it now had a Decease Date. I could see that she was so bow legged she couldn't stop a pig in an alleyway.
"Listen, ahhh...whats your name?" I handed her a beer and sat down on the box. Then thinking the better of it, I stood up again.
"Dixie Normas."
"OK, Dixie. I don't remember calling for any...ahhh...services. Do you know who called you?"
"No, I'm just told where to go." She opened the beer by twisting the cap with her forearm.
"Alright, I really don't want....."
I stopped talking as I felt the cold steel of a gun barrel press up against the back of my neck. A voice came with the gun.
"Freeze!"
See the l0veli lakes
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Lucky13
Forum Mascot
*freezes!*
Can I move now?
- Thread starter
- #335
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
The pressure of the gun barrel against the back of my neck was starting to hurt and I was hoping my insurance was paid up. I didn't move.
"To what do I owe this extreme pleasure? Anything wrong?" I asked the other end of the gun. From the feel of it, I was guessing it was a .22 and if so, he was a cop. Only gun they carried around here.
"Wrong?" he replied, "Why should you think of anything being wrong, have you been doing something you shouldn't. Yes?"
If you can call putting the toilet paper on so it rolls from the top, yeah I guess I've been doing something wrong.
"Just a manner of speech." I said.
"Well, yes," he went on, "it's just a manner of speech from your Forum Relations Advisor to you that you watch out, little Sam. Because next time it's going to be the barry place and all my work ruined. If you've no respect for your horrible self, you at least might have some for me who'se sweated over you. A big black mark I tell you for every one we don't reclaim. A confession of failure for every one of you who ends up in the stripy hole." He eased up on the gun and allowed me to turn to face him.
It was Sgt. Rufus Leaking from our fine Polizei.
"I've been doing nothing I shouldn't, sir. The millicents have nothing on me, brother, sir, I mean."
I could see the color in his face change.
"Cut out all this clever talk about milicents. Just because the Police haven't picked you up lately doesn't, as you very well know, mean that you've not been up to some nastiness. There was a bit of a nastiness this afternoon, yes. Some very extreme nastiness, yes. A certain doorman was ambluenced off late this afternoon, yes. Your name was mentioned, the word's got thru to me by the usual channels. Oh, nobody can prove anything about anybody as usual, but I'm warning you, little Sam, being a good friend to you as always, the one man in this sore and sick community who wants to save you from yourself." He pulled himself straight and grabbed his pants by the belt and pulled them up hard - so hard that three belt loops broke and he stood there, holding onto his trousers like he was in a Harlem High School. Dixie sat on the couch, transfixed.
"Nobody's got anything on me, brother. I've been out of the rookers of the milicents for a long time now." I started to relax as he lowered the gun.
"That's just worries me. A bit too long, too long to be reasonable. You're about due now by my reckoning, that's why I'm warning you, little Sam, to keep your handsome young proboscis out of the dirt. Do I make myself clear?" He started to look at the box and then at Dixie then back to the box.
"As an unmuddied lake, sir. Clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, sir." I said.
His hand holding the gun started to caress the large box.
"You can have that if you fancy it." I smiled and sat down on the couch next to Dixie. She looked like the aliens had removed her anal probe.
"No, no. I can only imagine what horror of horrors you have rookered inside. Real horrorshow, yes. But who is the weepy young devotchka?"
"Her? Thats my sis, up from the Midlands, here on holiday, why?" I replied.
"Relative, yes?" and he slammed the top of the box with the pistol, making a sound so loud I just about soiled myself. "Behave, little Sam, behave."
"You try to frighten me, sir, admit so, sir." I said evenly to him, "This is some new form of torture. Say it, brother, sir."
"It will be your own torture. For being a bastard with no manners and not a dook of an idea how to comport yourself publicwise, O my Brother."
And with one last look at me and Dixie, he left as a slight hum from inside the box started vibrating against the floor.
The W0nderful telephöne system
"To what do I owe this extreme pleasure? Anything wrong?" I asked the other end of the gun. From the feel of it, I was guessing it was a .22 and if so, he was a cop. Only gun they carried around here.
"Wrong?" he replied, "Why should you think of anything being wrong, have you been doing something you shouldn't. Yes?"
If you can call putting the toilet paper on so it rolls from the top, yeah I guess I've been doing something wrong.
"Just a manner of speech." I said.
"Well, yes," he went on, "it's just a manner of speech from your Forum Relations Advisor to you that you watch out, little Sam. Because next time it's going to be the barry place and all my work ruined. If you've no respect for your horrible self, you at least might have some for me who'se sweated over you. A big black mark I tell you for every one we don't reclaim. A confession of failure for every one of you who ends up in the stripy hole." He eased up on the gun and allowed me to turn to face him.
It was Sgt. Rufus Leaking from our fine Polizei.
"I've been doing nothing I shouldn't, sir. The millicents have nothing on me, brother, sir, I mean."
I could see the color in his face change.
"Cut out all this clever talk about milicents. Just because the Police haven't picked you up lately doesn't, as you very well know, mean that you've not been up to some nastiness. There was a bit of a nastiness this afternoon, yes. Some very extreme nastiness, yes. A certain doorman was ambluenced off late this afternoon, yes. Your name was mentioned, the word's got thru to me by the usual channels. Oh, nobody can prove anything about anybody as usual, but I'm warning you, little Sam, being a good friend to you as always, the one man in this sore and sick community who wants to save you from yourself." He pulled himself straight and grabbed his pants by the belt and pulled them up hard - so hard that three belt loops broke and he stood there, holding onto his trousers like he was in a Harlem High School. Dixie sat on the couch, transfixed.
"Nobody's got anything on me, brother. I've been out of the rookers of the milicents for a long time now." I started to relax as he lowered the gun.
"That's just worries me. A bit too long, too long to be reasonable. You're about due now by my reckoning, that's why I'm warning you, little Sam, to keep your handsome young proboscis out of the dirt. Do I make myself clear?" He started to look at the box and then at Dixie then back to the box.
"As an unmuddied lake, sir. Clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, sir." I said.
His hand holding the gun started to caress the large box.
"You can have that if you fancy it." I smiled and sat down on the couch next to Dixie. She looked like the aliens had removed her anal probe.
"No, no. I can only imagine what horror of horrors you have rookered inside. Real horrorshow, yes. But who is the weepy young devotchka?"
"Her? Thats my sis, up from the Midlands, here on holiday, why?" I replied.
"Relative, yes?" and he slammed the top of the box with the pistol, making a sound so loud I just about soiled myself. "Behave, little Sam, behave."
"You try to frighten me, sir, admit so, sir." I said evenly to him, "This is some new form of torture. Say it, brother, sir."
"It will be your own torture. For being a bastard with no manners and not a dook of an idea how to comport yourself publicwise, O my Brother."
And with one last look at me and Dixie, he left as a slight hum from inside the box started vibrating against the floor.
The W0nderful telephöne system
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Oooops!!!!!
SoD Stitch
Banned
That's just wrong . . . . .
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Oooops indeed...!Gives a new meaning to "a pain in the *rse" doesn't it....the pic?
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
- Thread starter
- #340
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
GET LUCKY FOR DUMMIES!
Despite its animating anger, this is a book that projects a strange lack of affect, a suave void. It makes one think of the movie "Sunset Boulevard". There, the tale of murder and jealousy is narrated in one long, rueful flashback by the voice of William Holden's Joe Gillis as he floats dead in the swimming pool, face down in a watery grave of blood and chlorine, crime-scene flashbulbs exploding overhead. This has the smooth, just-waxed flow of a ghostwritten memoir. It's all gliding surface and obvious behavior and psychobabbly introspection. It seems to take place in a terrarium, geography and weather and work playing no part; nothing that would distract from the book's studied informality, its coached candor and rehearsed intimacy. It appears authors are running out of ideas for books and just fill them up with countless examples of the same thing. The reader won't be able to get through the first two chapters without vomiting. Some things you just shouldn't put in your head. When one contrasts Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five with this book, it's like comparing an Olympic sprinter with an obese man running for the bus with a hot dog in one hand and a soda in the other. It is trite, saccharine and false. The themes and insights it contains are not even good enough to be third rate. Its like an ungrateful girlfriend. You do your best to understand her and get nothing back in return. If you were interested in crazy people this is the book for you.
In stores and paperback 31 September!
And mani interesting furry ånimals
Despite its animating anger, this is a book that projects a strange lack of affect, a suave void. It makes one think of the movie "Sunset Boulevard". There, the tale of murder and jealousy is narrated in one long, rueful flashback by the voice of William Holden's Joe Gillis as he floats dead in the swimming pool, face down in a watery grave of blood and chlorine, crime-scene flashbulbs exploding overhead. This has the smooth, just-waxed flow of a ghostwritten memoir. It's all gliding surface and obvious behavior and psychobabbly introspection. It seems to take place in a terrarium, geography and weather and work playing no part; nothing that would distract from the book's studied informality, its coached candor and rehearsed intimacy. It appears authors are running out of ideas for books and just fill them up with countless examples of the same thing. The reader won't be able to get through the first two chapters without vomiting. Some things you just shouldn't put in your head. When one contrasts Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five with this book, it's like comparing an Olympic sprinter with an obese man running for the bus with a hot dog in one hand and a soda in the other. It is trite, saccharine and false. The themes and insights it contains are not even good enough to be third rate. Its like an ungrateful girlfriend. You do your best to understand her and get nothing back in return. If you were interested in crazy people this is the book for you.
In stores and paperback 31 September!
And mani interesting furry ånimals
