DBII
Senior Master Sergeant
What a great way to forget Ike. 
DBII
DBII
Get Lucky!
- Thread starter Njaco
- Start date
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wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Classic stuff NJ 
- Thread starter
- #363
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
We interrupt the "Get Lucky: Revenge of the Perp" schedule to bring you this Special Bulletin.
Jerry: Good evening. We're breaking into regular programming tonight to bring you the news on Godzilla's latest attack on our nation. I'm Jerry Attrick. Beside me is Ima Horr. Ima ?
Ima : Thanks, Jerry. GodzillaScope satellites picked up the giant radioactive lizard in the Caribbean two days ago, and have been tracking his movement ever since. After crushing Puerto Rico and Bermuda, experts determined Godzilla's next move would be toward the state of Florida.
Jerry: Those experts were proven right half an hour ago, when Godzilla rose out of the sea off the coast of Miami and destroyed a local marina.
Ima : Now, let's take a look at our five-day forecast with Godzillaologist, Jim Nasium. What can you tell us, Jim?
Jim: Thanks, Ima. First, let's look at our GodzillaTracker 2000 doppler radar. Here you see Godzilla just coming ashore outside of Miami. We'll put that in motion for you, so you can see he's moving north. That ground clutter you see behind him is actual ground clutter, a path of destruction Godzilla is leaving in his wake.... Now, let's switch to the five-day forecast. This blue line is the projected path we expect Godzilla to take on his rampage of death. He'll come up through Orlando, then into Georgia, where our simulations tell us he'll head right through the Atlanta area before continuing his way up the coast. Finally, by Friday, we expect him to be pushed back out to sea by a fast-moving Mothra coming down from the northwest....Of course, Godzilla can be unpredictable, so this larger white area shows the envelope of the area at risk. Ima?
Ima : Thanks, Jim. Jim, is there any indication of what Godzilla wants, or is this just yet another nightmarish rampage of mindless destruction for the big G?
Jim: It's hard to say at this point, Ima. It could be he's simply hungering for some electricity, which as you know is his main food source. Or perhaps he is actually heading toward an even worse threat we aren't even aware of yet like Global Warming.
Ima : Thanks, Jim. Jerry?
Jerry: We go now to our man on the scene, Hugh Flung Poo, in Fort Lauderdale.
Hugh : Thanks, Jerry. I'm standing about five miles north of the last known location of Godzilla. As you can see behind me, traffic is jammed with people trying to flee in terror from the giant monster. All the power is out here, Jerry. All the buildings are dark. And in the distance, I don't know if you can see it, that cloudbank isn't actually a cloud. It's a combination of smoke and dust from all the fires Godzilla has been starting tonight. Every once in a while, the cloud lights up as Godzilla breathes radioactive death onto the people and buildings of Fort Lauderdale. There! Did you see that? It just happened! Oh, it's magnificent. Truly a sight to behold.
Jerry: Did I hear a roar, Hugh?
Hugh: Yes, Jerry. Even though Godzilla is still miles away, that spine-chilling roar of his can still be heard.
Jerry: You're doing an excellent job, Hughie. Keep it up.
Hugh : Thanks, Jerry. However, our GodzillaTracker 2000 realtime radar is showing Godzilla to be less than a mile from your location.
Jim: He is?
Jerry: Jimmy, try to get some pictures of Godzilla if you can.
Jim: Are you insane, Jerry?
(Roar!)
Jerry: It looks like he is just south of you, Jimmy. Pan that direction and show us what's there. (pause) Well, keep trying, Jimmy. And be safe out there.
Jim: Jerry, it sounds like Godzilla is getting very close now, so my crew and I--
Jerry: Thanks for that on-the-scene report, Jimmy. Stay right there in case we want to come back to you later.
Jim: [bleep!] you, Jerry.
Ima: We have with us here in the studio an expert in the field of Godzilla, radiocryptosinozoologist Dr. Raymond Mason. Thank you for coming, Dr. Mason.
Dr. Mason: Glad to be here, Ima.
Ima: So tell us, Doctor. Where does Godzilla come from?
Dr. Mason: That's hard to say, Ima. Some believe he mutated from a normal lizard as a side effect of the nuclear bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the end of World War 2. My personal theory, and I have evidence to back this up, is that he is a previously unknown type of dinosaur who was frozen during a previous ice age, and released at roughly the time of the bombing by unrelated events. Either way, ever since his appearance, he has traveled the world causing mayhem.
Ima: What kind of evidence, Doctor?
Dr. Mason: Well, it's complicated. I don't know if your viewers could grasp the subtleties in the amount of time we have.
Ima: Can you simplify it for us?
Dr. Mason: Well, basically, he's 200 feet tall. No modern lizard, not even the Komodo Dragon, could function when enlarged to Godzilla's proportions. Also, his body structure does not match the physiology of any known lizard. Only dinosaurs are known to have walked on their rear legs.
Ima: But what about the fact that Godzilla breathes radioactive fire? Doesn't that indicate some connection or exposure to nuclear materials?
Dr. Mason: Possibly. However, it is equally possible that Godzilla's dinosaur species--the Tyrannosaurus Toho--evolved in an area and time with naturally occurring high levels of radiation. It could have become integrated into his biological processes in this way. What you call "radioactive fire" breath could simply be his equivalent of our production of carbon dioxide when we exhale.
Ima: But what evidence do you have that such a place ever existed?
Dr. Mason:[sigh] I knew that, as a woman, you probably wouldn't be able to understand what I'm telling you.
Ima: "As a woman?!" Why, you---
Jerry : I'm sorry to break in, Ima, but we've just received word that correspondent Jim Nasium has been killed, along with his camera crew. Apparently, Godzilla stepped on them while Jimmie repeatedly and frantically shouted Godzilla's name. We hope to have footage available soon. Our condolences to their families. But while we wait for that footage, there is news breaking from the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. We now go to our state correspondant, Al Kaholic. Whats happening Al?
Al: Well Jerry, the Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no bag limit.
3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
4. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
5. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. Back to you, Jerry.
Jerry: Thanks Al, thats great news.....
Ima: I'm sorry to break in, Jerry, but we're getting word that Steve Jobs is about to make a special announcement. We now go to our Technology reporter, Terry Dactyl. Terry?
Terry: Thanks, Ima. Thats right Steve Jobs has just warned of yet another serious malfunction regarding the Apple iPod. It turns out that even while the user is wearing the headphones provided with the iPod unit, people in the general vicinity of the user can actually still hear them singing along to "What a Fool Believes". The problem, according to Mr. Jobs, is the part where they sing:
"But what a fool beeee-LIEEEVES
He exceeeEEEDs
A wise man has the powder!
Teresa no waaay -
Butt seeEEED
To bleeEEED
There's always magic nothing!*
Doobie Brothers, indeed. Owners are advised to contact Apple for a hardware update, consisting of a length of duct tape and a small rubber ball. Back to you, Ima.
Ima: Thanks, Terry. Sounds like the re-occurance of that old Elton John mistake, "Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Sugar Bear." Jerry?
Jerry: It sures does. Well, until we have further developments, We will now return you to your program still in progress. This has been a Special Bulletin from BBC 61.
We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.
Jerry: Good evening. We're breaking into regular programming tonight to bring you the news on Godzilla's latest attack on our nation. I'm Jerry Attrick. Beside me is Ima Horr. Ima ?
Ima : Thanks, Jerry. GodzillaScope satellites picked up the giant radioactive lizard in the Caribbean two days ago, and have been tracking his movement ever since. After crushing Puerto Rico and Bermuda, experts determined Godzilla's next move would be toward the state of Florida.
Jerry: Those experts were proven right half an hour ago, when Godzilla rose out of the sea off the coast of Miami and destroyed a local marina.
Ima : Now, let's take a look at our five-day forecast with Godzillaologist, Jim Nasium. What can you tell us, Jim?
Jim: Thanks, Ima. First, let's look at our GodzillaTracker 2000 doppler radar. Here you see Godzilla just coming ashore outside of Miami. We'll put that in motion for you, so you can see he's moving north. That ground clutter you see behind him is actual ground clutter, a path of destruction Godzilla is leaving in his wake.... Now, let's switch to the five-day forecast. This blue line is the projected path we expect Godzilla to take on his rampage of death. He'll come up through Orlando, then into Georgia, where our simulations tell us he'll head right through the Atlanta area before continuing his way up the coast. Finally, by Friday, we expect him to be pushed back out to sea by a fast-moving Mothra coming down from the northwest....Of course, Godzilla can be unpredictable, so this larger white area shows the envelope of the area at risk. Ima?
Ima : Thanks, Jim. Jim, is there any indication of what Godzilla wants, or is this just yet another nightmarish rampage of mindless destruction for the big G?
Jim: It's hard to say at this point, Ima. It could be he's simply hungering for some electricity, which as you know is his main food source. Or perhaps he is actually heading toward an even worse threat we aren't even aware of yet like Global Warming.
Ima : Thanks, Jim. Jerry?
Jerry: We go now to our man on the scene, Hugh Flung Poo, in Fort Lauderdale.
Hugh : Thanks, Jerry. I'm standing about five miles north of the last known location of Godzilla. As you can see behind me, traffic is jammed with people trying to flee in terror from the giant monster. All the power is out here, Jerry. All the buildings are dark. And in the distance, I don't know if you can see it, that cloudbank isn't actually a cloud. It's a combination of smoke and dust from all the fires Godzilla has been starting tonight. Every once in a while, the cloud lights up as Godzilla breathes radioactive death onto the people and buildings of Fort Lauderdale. There! Did you see that? It just happened! Oh, it's magnificent. Truly a sight to behold.
Jerry: Did I hear a roar, Hugh?
Hugh: Yes, Jerry. Even though Godzilla is still miles away, that spine-chilling roar of his can still be heard.
Jerry: You're doing an excellent job, Hughie. Keep it up.
Hugh : Thanks, Jerry. However, our GodzillaTracker 2000 realtime radar is showing Godzilla to be less than a mile from your location.
Jim: He is?
Jerry: Jimmy, try to get some pictures of Godzilla if you can.
Jim: Are you insane, Jerry?
(Roar!)
Jerry: It looks like he is just south of you, Jimmy. Pan that direction and show us what's there. (pause) Well, keep trying, Jimmy. And be safe out there.
Jim: Jerry, it sounds like Godzilla is getting very close now, so my crew and I--
Jerry: Thanks for that on-the-scene report, Jimmy. Stay right there in case we want to come back to you later.
Jim: [bleep!] you, Jerry.
Ima: We have with us here in the studio an expert in the field of Godzilla, radiocryptosinozoologist Dr. Raymond Mason. Thank you for coming, Dr. Mason.
Dr. Mason: Glad to be here, Ima.
Ima: So tell us, Doctor. Where does Godzilla come from?
Dr. Mason: That's hard to say, Ima. Some believe he mutated from a normal lizard as a side effect of the nuclear bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the end of World War 2. My personal theory, and I have evidence to back this up, is that he is a previously unknown type of dinosaur who was frozen during a previous ice age, and released at roughly the time of the bombing by unrelated events. Either way, ever since his appearance, he has traveled the world causing mayhem.
Ima: What kind of evidence, Doctor?
Dr. Mason: Well, it's complicated. I don't know if your viewers could grasp the subtleties in the amount of time we have.
Ima: Can you simplify it for us?
Dr. Mason: Well, basically, he's 200 feet tall. No modern lizard, not even the Komodo Dragon, could function when enlarged to Godzilla's proportions. Also, his body structure does not match the physiology of any known lizard. Only dinosaurs are known to have walked on their rear legs.
Ima: But what about the fact that Godzilla breathes radioactive fire? Doesn't that indicate some connection or exposure to nuclear materials?
Dr. Mason: Possibly. However, it is equally possible that Godzilla's dinosaur species--the Tyrannosaurus Toho--evolved in an area and time with naturally occurring high levels of radiation. It could have become integrated into his biological processes in this way. What you call "radioactive fire" breath could simply be his equivalent of our production of carbon dioxide when we exhale.
Ima: But what evidence do you have that such a place ever existed?
Dr. Mason:[sigh] I knew that, as a woman, you probably wouldn't be able to understand what I'm telling you.
Ima: "As a woman?!" Why, you---
Jerry : I'm sorry to break in, Ima, but we've just received word that correspondent Jim Nasium has been killed, along with his camera crew. Apparently, Godzilla stepped on them while Jimmie repeatedly and frantically shouted Godzilla's name. We hope to have footage available soon. Our condolences to their families. But while we wait for that footage, there is news breaking from the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. We now go to our state correspondant, Al Kaholic. Whats happening Al?
Al: Well Jerry, the Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no bag limit.
3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
4. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
5. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. Back to you, Jerry.
Jerry: Thanks Al, thats great news.....
Ima: I'm sorry to break in, Jerry, but we're getting word that Steve Jobs is about to make a special announcement. We now go to our Technology reporter, Terry Dactyl. Terry?
Terry: Thanks, Ima. Thats right Steve Jobs has just warned of yet another serious malfunction regarding the Apple iPod. It turns out that even while the user is wearing the headphones provided with the iPod unit, people in the general vicinity of the user can actually still hear them singing along to "What a Fool Believes". The problem, according to Mr. Jobs, is the part where they sing:
"But what a fool beeee-LIEEEVES
He exceeeEEEDs
A wise man has the powder!
Teresa no waaay -
Butt seeEEED
To bleeEEED
There's always magic nothing!*
Doobie Brothers, indeed. Owners are advised to contact Apple for a hardware update, consisting of a length of duct tape and a small rubber ball. Back to you, Ima.
Ima: Thanks, Terry. Sounds like the re-occurance of that old Elton John mistake, "Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Sugar Bear." Jerry?
Jerry: It sures does. Well, until we have further developments, We will now return you to your program still in progress. This has been a Special Bulletin from BBC 61.
We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.
Attachments
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Well i gotta say NJ, you are definitly on the fasttrack to stardom, heck keep writin like that and Stephen King will be jealous
- Thread starter
- #367
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Its not all me. Some of this stuff I will admit I'm pinching from other sources - just switching it around to match the thread. But you get the general idea. Its fun is the main thing and keeping you guys laughing!
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
WHO gave you that picture...!!??
- Thread starter
- #369
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
I was about to make a sacrifice to the gods with the sack of food when Dixie came out of the bathroom with a trail of toilet paper from under her skirt.
"Getting married?" I asked. She gave me a stare as if her father had just walked in.
"What's in the bag?" she asked.
"Dinner. You can have it." I replied and grabbed the phone book again.
She opened the bag and laid its contents across the desk. By the time she had everything out, it looked like a yard sale at a trailer park on Mischief Night. I could only watch, hypnotized, as she kept twirling around the desk, wrapping it in Scott tissue. The food looked awful. The salad was the saddest looking bunch of vegetables I had ever seen in my life, as if somebody had put green food coloring on pieces of cardboard. You know that disturbing skin that appears on stagnant bowls of pudding? It's now in balls! Grey and brown little balls that kept sliding off the salad. She would put it back on the salad like a cheap toupee but it wouldn't stick. I tried to open the phone book but I was fascinated with the way she grabbed a plastic plate out of the bag and loaded it with this horse grub. And the smell didn't bother her. She finally had a plate made and handed it to me.
"You're kiddin, right?" I said, realizing that the closer I got to the stuff, the worse it smelled.
"I don't like eating alone."
"How about living?" I replied and she gave me a grimace. I took the plate and she went back to the stuff on the desk.
Not wanting to try the salad, tofu or hummus, I went with what I recognized, the stuffed eggplant. But recognize is too strong a word. It looked like an argyle sock stuffed with marbles. Grabbing a spork from my pocket, I broke off a piece and gingerly put it in my mouth. I immediately realized that the fatal flaw with this meal was its disregard of the fundamental law of vegetarian cuisine: you often have to bake eggplant for three weeks to get it fully cooked. This was a disaster. It was like eating a jellybean filled with butter. I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed. I never thought I would get it down! I would rather eat old furnace filters than this eggplant crap! I grabbed one of the slimy balls off the salad and popped it in mouth to give my jaw a break. Big mistake. In the immortal words of Ralph Wiggum: it tasted like burning. I fell to the floor looking for the case of beer or maybe even the cat's water bowl. Luckily, I found the former and quickly gulped down one bottle then grabbed two more and got up from the floor.
Dixie had started in on her plate of food (boy, thats a misnomer!). I gave her a beer. Not saying anything, just chewing, she smiled. I smiled. Neither one of us would admit the meal was horrible. We both grabbed a sporkful of hummus at the same time and continued to chew. Chew and smile. Smile and chew. I felt like a cow.
Just as I polished off another bottle of beer, the phone rang. Gladly, I picked it up.
"Schlam?" came the slobbering voice on the other end.
Sam eet wat vreselijk voedsel. Zo is Dixie. Kunt u me nu horen?
"Getting married?" I asked. She gave me a stare as if her father had just walked in.
"What's in the bag?" she asked.
"Dinner. You can have it." I replied and grabbed the phone book again.
She opened the bag and laid its contents across the desk. By the time she had everything out, it looked like a yard sale at a trailer park on Mischief Night. I could only watch, hypnotized, as she kept twirling around the desk, wrapping it in Scott tissue. The food looked awful. The salad was the saddest looking bunch of vegetables I had ever seen in my life, as if somebody had put green food coloring on pieces of cardboard. You know that disturbing skin that appears on stagnant bowls of pudding? It's now in balls! Grey and brown little balls that kept sliding off the salad. She would put it back on the salad like a cheap toupee but it wouldn't stick. I tried to open the phone book but I was fascinated with the way she grabbed a plastic plate out of the bag and loaded it with this horse grub. And the smell didn't bother her. She finally had a plate made and handed it to me.
"You're kiddin, right?" I said, realizing that the closer I got to the stuff, the worse it smelled.
"I don't like eating alone."
"How about living?" I replied and she gave me a grimace. I took the plate and she went back to the stuff on the desk.
Not wanting to try the salad, tofu or hummus, I went with what I recognized, the stuffed eggplant. But recognize is too strong a word. It looked like an argyle sock stuffed with marbles. Grabbing a spork from my pocket, I broke off a piece and gingerly put it in my mouth. I immediately realized that the fatal flaw with this meal was its disregard of the fundamental law of vegetarian cuisine: you often have to bake eggplant for three weeks to get it fully cooked. This was a disaster. It was like eating a jellybean filled with butter. I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed. I never thought I would get it down! I would rather eat old furnace filters than this eggplant crap! I grabbed one of the slimy balls off the salad and popped it in mouth to give my jaw a break. Big mistake. In the immortal words of Ralph Wiggum: it tasted like burning. I fell to the floor looking for the case of beer or maybe even the cat's water bowl. Luckily, I found the former and quickly gulped down one bottle then grabbed two more and got up from the floor.
Dixie had started in on her plate of food (boy, thats a misnomer!). I gave her a beer. Not saying anything, just chewing, she smiled. I smiled. Neither one of us would admit the meal was horrible. We both grabbed a sporkful of hummus at the same time and continued to chew. Chew and smile. Smile and chew. I felt like a cow.
Just as I polished off another bottle of beer, the phone rang. Gladly, I picked it up.
"Schlam?" came the slobbering voice on the other end.
Sam eet wat vreselijk voedsel. Zo is Dixie. Kunt u me nu horen?
Attachments
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
!
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Excellent....!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
- Thread starter
- #373
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
BBC 61 would like to apologize for the delay in "Get Lucky: Revenge of the Perp" We're having technical difficulties in switching to HD (Jonesey in IT thought it was a sexually transmitted disease. He is now in the mailroom.) Please be patient and we will return "Get Lucky" to its full gloriuos, once in a life time...you get the picture.
You really want me to translate this crap? Core!
You really want me to translate this crap? Core!
Attachments
Yes I get the picture!- Thread starter
- #375
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
sorry guys had to take a break in the middle of the next episodes. A few things at home - which is good but work is killing me! We have severe staff shortages and I'm working almost round the clock. I check the site and post a few things but everything is getting backed up. The This Day in Europe and Get Lucky are suffering. Hope it clears soon but it may be awhile.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
Its quite alright chris, you do what you have to do mate.
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
That's allright buddy, no need to aopolgise! No need to stress or panic, work, home etc. always has the first spot...
Yeah Chris, take care of business mate, we'll be patiently waiting.....
- Thread starter
- #379
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
I felt like I was in a black hole.
or at least caught in an idiot magnet.
I could tell by the syntax that whoever was on the other end of the phone had a speech impediment and not one that would lend one to having many friends. I was imagining the drip cup hanging just below his chin. That or he had just come from a dentist.
"Schlam?" it asked again.
"Who wants to know?" I asked.
A pause like he was trying to remember his name.
"Schleeve", he said, "I wassh inshtershdead in da donkkkey."
A what?
Dixie was rolling a tofu ball around her plate. It was collecting various bits of food until it looked like a baseball with grass clippings. She looked up at me with a brain-less gaze.
"yeah." I replied.
"I'm inshereshesdead in a don- (slurp)key. How mush fooran our?"
It felt like my phone started to drip. I unconsiously wiped my ear.
"Where did you get this number?" I said and he made a sound like he was sniffing and drowning at the same time. Then he paused again.
"Ishh dish Schlam?"
Why lider jag dumbommar? I thought to myself. Dixie harpooned the grass ball and I was gonna warn her about putting it in her mouth but decided not to, as her reaction might be entertaining. The Spit King let out a sigh.
"Listen, buddy, tell me where you got my number and maybe I can help you with the donkey." I answered. Dixie shoved the whole green mass into her mouth. A second passed and then her eyes started to tear up.
"On the wall (slupp) of the bashroom at tha Brown Willie."
The Brown Willie?!
I could feel my blood pressure reach critical mass as he slobbered the name of the bar I was to have a meeting at. The games were continuing and I had no clue who 'ell the my opponent was. Now I was getting mad.
"What, exactly was written on the wall, pal?"
I could hear him gulp.
"It shaid, 'For a Good time with Farm animalsh, call Schlam' and then a number."
A small muffled scream echoed behind me and I could see Dixie grabbing for the beer bottle on the desk. She appeared to have a sudden onset of Grave's Disease. Finishing the beer in 3.2 seconds, she then went searching for more.
"Great." I murmured.
"Shoew howe about shat donkey?" Spongebob asked.
"You don't need it." I answered.
There was a crash as Dixie knocked over the lamp, grabbing for the fish tank. Lifting the whole tank to her face, she started to drink like a camel.
"Why?"
Dixie collapsed in the chair, still draining the fish tank.
"Because you're already an ass." and I hung up.
Hey! How about a Knock, Knock joke? Knock, knock! Who's there?Adolf! Adolf who? Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way. hahahahaha!
or at least caught in an idiot magnet.
I could tell by the syntax that whoever was on the other end of the phone had a speech impediment and not one that would lend one to having many friends. I was imagining the drip cup hanging just below his chin. That or he had just come from a dentist.
"Schlam?" it asked again.
"Who wants to know?" I asked.
A pause like he was trying to remember his name.
"Schleeve", he said, "I wassh inshtershdead in da donkkkey."
A what?
Dixie was rolling a tofu ball around her plate. It was collecting various bits of food until it looked like a baseball with grass clippings. She looked up at me with a brain-less gaze.
"yeah." I replied.
"I'm inshereshesdead in a don- (slurp)key. How mush fooran our?"
It felt like my phone started to drip. I unconsiously wiped my ear.
"Where did you get this number?" I said and he made a sound like he was sniffing and drowning at the same time. Then he paused again.
"Ishh dish Schlam?"
Why lider jag dumbommar? I thought to myself. Dixie harpooned the grass ball and I was gonna warn her about putting it in her mouth but decided not to, as her reaction might be entertaining. The Spit King let out a sigh.
"Listen, buddy, tell me where you got my number and maybe I can help you with the donkey." I answered. Dixie shoved the whole green mass into her mouth. A second passed and then her eyes started to tear up.
"On the wall (slupp) of the bashroom at tha Brown Willie."
The Brown Willie?!
I could feel my blood pressure reach critical mass as he slobbered the name of the bar I was to have a meeting at. The games were continuing and I had no clue who 'ell the my opponent was. Now I was getting mad.
"What, exactly was written on the wall, pal?"
I could hear him gulp.
"It shaid, 'For a Good time with Farm animalsh, call Schlam' and then a number."
A small muffled scream echoed behind me and I could see Dixie grabbing for the beer bottle on the desk. She appeared to have a sudden onset of Grave's Disease. Finishing the beer in 3.2 seconds, she then went searching for more.
"Great." I murmured.
"Shoew howe about shat donkey?" Spongebob asked.
"You don't need it." I answered.
There was a crash as Dixie knocked over the lamp, grabbing for the fish tank. Lifting the whole tank to her face, she started to drink like a camel.
"Why?"
Dixie collapsed in the chair, still draining the fish tank.
"Because you're already an ass." and I hung up.
Hey! How about a Knock, Knock joke? Knock, knock! Who's there?Adolf! Adolf who? Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way. hahahahaha!
Attachments
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
....and he's baaack! 
