Quotes and Jokes (6 Viewers)
- Thread starter Marcel
- Start date
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Lucky13
Forum Mascot
special ed
1st Lieutenant
- 6,599
- May 13, 2018
When poor driving conditions required my third daughter's hubby to be (now son in law) stay the night in the guest room, I told him if there was any disturbance he would see a naked man appear with a shotgun. He has turned out to be a great son in law and has provided us with two grand daughters, so far.
buffnut453
Captain
A shepherd told his sheep dog to go out and round up his sheep.
Off trots the faithful Border Collie who, in a little while, returns with 40 sheep.
"Hang on," says the farmer, "I only had 36 sheep."
The dog replied "You told me to round them up!"
Off trots the faithful Border Collie who, in a little while, returns with 40 sheep.
"Hang on," says the farmer, "I only had 36 sheep."
The dog replied "You told me to round them up!"
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
If I had a talking Border Collie....
buffnut453
Captain
You wouldn't waste time talking to us?
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Here's my top tip
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!!
The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains.
Here goes...
1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over it's cooked!
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says, you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking
3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto!
I ( nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy
4. Vegetables...
5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same
6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl!
(Oh and while we're on the subject of pudding - if Bird's Custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.
And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!
Rant over
Cheers
Reminds me of somethign a guy I used to work with you to say to the boys when his daughter started dating: "Just remember, whatever you do to her, I am prepared to do to you" Those who thought about it were scared...very scared.
