something i have been dreading :sad:

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All I can say is I was never close to my mom and when she was dying of cancer there was an opportunity to make a final connection. All either one of us had to do was start the conversation...neither of us did. Honestly I don't think about it except in the context of it being a curious story. I think it would have been forced and fake to do it at the end like that. I believe she felt the same. Neither one of us felt it and so that's the way it ended.

Different circumstances I know, but you shared so I did. Take what you can from it and do what you want. Preserve and be true to yourself. All you ever have to be is you...and you have been through more than anyone I know and by all accounts came out on top. Those who love you will understand either way you decide.

Hope this helps in some small way...
 
Thank you Jim, helps a lot.
 
Karl, my advice is to do what you think is right.

I did not speak to my father for more than 20 years. he was toxic really. Every time I met with him before then had gone badly. I had split with him after I found out what he had done to my sister. It took three other members of the family to pull me off him. They didn't know what he had done, I did, and my sister had specificically asked me not to make the issue public. That was a fight where there was no yelling, no demonstrating, I was just doing my best to kill him. I would have too were it not for the other family members.

I didn't have anything to do with my father after that. He eventually had a stroke and was dying. I did go and see him, but not to say goodbye. I told him that judgement was waiting for him to do what the family would not let me do instead all those years before. I was one of the few that got movement out of his paralysed body. I have not thought about him again since. I guess I am damaged goods because of all that, but you know what it doesn't feel like that. I sleep easy at night. I am happy and more to the point, happier having left him in my dust.


I do not regret anything.
 
As my wife says I'm a very stubborn man, but if it was me Karl I wouldn't have anything to do with him. You've had peace for all these years, its bad enough that this has brought up all those bad memories, why go see him and refresh the memories even more. As they say, let sleeping dogs lie, and try to put it all out of your mind.
 
I would not pretend to lecture you on a course of action. This is intensely personal and I feel a bit awkward reading, let alone answering. So, you can certainly tell me to go pound sand.

It seems to me, you have really risen above your circumstance. You have a wife and a family who love you. You have lived out that you are better than your father was. If you visit him, you may be able to demonstrate what a man looks like. You could be to him a source of pride and regret. Pride to him that you are who you are. Regret for his past actions and neglect. That he didn't do more to steward the most important male relationship is a realization he must come to if he wants any peace.

You haven't let circumstances dictate your present. You don't need to let them dictate how you respond to your past.

My prayers to Christ are with you as you make a decision which is truly yours alone.
 
...and that's fine Rochie. It's your decision to make. There is no wrong answer here.
However, don't be surprised if, once he's gone, you still don't feel a little pang of loss.
Despite all that's happened to you, he's still your father.


Elvis
 
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Elvis said:
Life's been tough. I get it.
While you may not think you need closure, trust me, you need it....far more than you realize.


Elvis
Click to expand...
My Mom was married to a former Marine for 38 years. He was a total hardass on me and this goes back to him having a rough childhood and then going straight from that life to the Marine Corps and then killing Chinese with his bare hands in the freezing hell that was Chosin. So he rode my ass like a circus pony for years and we never got along. There were times of uneasy peace, but those were occasional. Over the years, I went on about my adult life and little or nothing to do with him and I was fine with it.

Fast forward to 2016 and his passing from heart failure. The Hospital had called me and told me that my Mom needed me (she had been with him for the couple days he was there) and I arrived just minutes after he passed. Mom was still at his bedside and I looked down and felt nothing.

No remorse, no elation...just simply nothing. The bed could have been empty for all the emotion I felt.

I was sad that the world had lost one more "Old Guard" and held his service and sacrifice in high regard, but for the man himself, I didn't care.

Closure comes in many forms and putting distance between yourself and someone and going on with life without their influence or control is a form of closure...I had done that, Karl has done that and to be honest, even if I had gotten there before he passed, what could be said?
Nothing could have taken back or changed all those years of my childhood, so it was better this way and life has moved on since then.
 
Karl, I am very sorry to hear about your terrible childhood, no child should ever have to experience those things. Yet it is because of those trials that today you've become who you are. As to your parents their childhoods also shaped them into their adult selves and you have no real idea what horrors they may have endured. NOT that that excuses anything that they did or did not do to/for you.
There is a Japanese proverb which states, "Search seven times before you suspect anyone." Confucius is quoted as saying, "It is not the failure of others to appreciate your abilities that should trouble you, but rather your failure to appreciate them." The famous Rabbi Hillel of Jesus' time said, "Judge not your friend until you have stood in his place." There is an American Sioux proverb that says, "Before I judge my neighbor, let me walk a mile in his moccasins." An Arabian proverb reads, "Examine what is said, not who speaks," and Mother Teresa said, "If you judge people, you have not time to love them."
The ONLY thing that I know with absolute certainty is that there is NO going back in time and no one can predict tomorrow.
You will have to live the rest of your days with whatever decision you make today and you really can't know the Karl of the future.
I have to know, for my own self that I did the right thing no matter what decisions others made.
The actual Greek for Matthew 7:2 says it very well: For with the judgment you are judging, you will be judged; and with the measurement you are measuring, you will be measured.
 
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so.

yesterday i went to visit my Dad at home.

it was not as awkward as i feared and to be honest my Step mam was incredible, she grabbed me and thanked me for coming.
it must be incredibly difficult for her watching her husband of 40 years wither away and i do feel very sorry she has to go through it.

it has been 25 years since i set foot in that house and it was much smaller than i remember !
sat with my dad for about 90 minutes, he did not look good, he is now a 7 stone( 98lb) withered old man which i was not expecting, all the same old Parachute regiment stuff is still on the walls plus a few new bits.

found out He was part of the drop for the film "A bridge to far", which i didnt know about, so Terry he was there at the same time as your good self, such a small world !

nothing really has changed for me but i hope they got what they wanted out of my visit, don't think i will be going again and i wish them both well.

families eh, you cant pick em !
 
Karl, so sorry I missed this thread at the time, you've certainly earned the right to chose whatever path that will set/keep your mind at ease and you have my full support and respect.

FWIW I think you did the right thing, as Michael says, forgiveness has a quality all it's own, especially to the giver, and I hope in later years you'll find some comfort in the fact that you did go see him.

Peace and happiness to you and your family.
 
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