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- #301
B-17engineer
Colonel
Guys, I need some help
For the past two-three years through this whole ordeal I've had demons tormenting me. Through the grapevine in school I heard about what he was doing and I chose to do absolutely nothing. Now, I know everyone will say "You can't make his choices for him" and that may be true but I'm his brother and as a brother I'm suppose to help him out and ensure that he's safe above anything. I was a Freshman in High School at the time but for the past two-three years I'm literally reminded everyday that I could've stopped this a lot sooner. It makes me feel like a piece of sh!t to be honest. When you see your parents paying $15,000 a month for rehab and your dad working odd jobs at ungodly hours and the pain in his eyes, it makes you feel awful about yourself.
The problem is, I don't know how to forgive myself. I never have since that incident happened and I get up everyday and pretend like everythings okay until I come home and hear my mom ask "Anyone seem Joseph? Joseph told me he hates it here" and realize had I said something, our family wouldn't be like this. Had I said something maybe he wouldn't have tried to kill himself twice. I haven't said anything to anyone in two or three years because I don't want to relive that and I don't want to relive my actions, or lack thereof. Again I know I can't make his choices for him but I could've had a say in what direction his choices went. I just feel awful and it finally boiled over today because I had a bit of a mental breakdown thinking about it.
For the past two-three years through this whole ordeal I've had demons tormenting me. Through the grapevine in school I heard about what he was doing and I chose to do absolutely nothing. Now, I know everyone will say "You can't make his choices for him" and that may be true but I'm his brother and as a brother I'm suppose to help him out and ensure that he's safe above anything. I was a Freshman in High School at the time but for the past two-three years I'm literally reminded everyday that I could've stopped this a lot sooner. It makes me feel like a piece of sh!t to be honest. When you see your parents paying $15,000 a month for rehab and your dad working odd jobs at ungodly hours and the pain in his eyes, it makes you feel awful about yourself.
The problem is, I don't know how to forgive myself. I never have since that incident happened and I get up everyday and pretend like everythings okay until I come home and hear my mom ask "Anyone seem Joseph? Joseph told me he hates it here" and realize had I said something, our family wouldn't be like this. Had I said something maybe he wouldn't have tried to kill himself twice. I haven't said anything to anyone in two or three years because I don't want to relive that and I don't want to relive my actions, or lack thereof. Again I know I can't make his choices for him but I could've had a say in what direction his choices went. I just feel awful and it finally boiled over today because I had a bit of a mental breakdown thinking about it.