Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

Matt308 said:

I'm almost positive this has been posted before, but it deserves another round.
____________________________________________________________



>Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

>"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

>

>His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find

>that's a sheep, you freaking idiot."

>

>The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you b*tch."

Click to expand...

Shouldn't be headache but periods!!!

Matt308 said:

San Francisco Gay Pride Parade?

Click to expand...

I think they are training landing and taking off with a new kind of a simulator.

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French Customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport Ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard Look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Ha ha ha.............. Great one there k9kiwi.

yeah good one kiwi!

That is good, but I'd always heard that one with an American in place of the Canadian. I was told it was based on an actual occurance.

God, I hope so.

Good page!

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower -Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.


As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."


KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."


Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.


Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"


"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.


"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you
beer?"


Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."


She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

that's harsh

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush

in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
lb woman is starting to look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

LMAO!

Ha! Thats great

Now THAT is my kind of bike.

A tax inspector visits the office of a gentleman -taxpayer- to seek clarification upon the last income tax filed with the revenue office.

Tax Inspector: (TI) Good morning Mr. Krinkle, as a tax inspector of the revenue office is that i seek immediate clarification upon your last tax return...we´ve noticed you are entitled to a refund...there must be some mistake here because we´ve gathered a huge file regarding land parcels, houses, apartments, beach houses and large buildings you´ve acquired in the last months..

Gentleman (G): No, there is nothing incorrect here...all real estates and land were acquired by gambling...i am a professional gambler.

(TI): Gamgling? Do i look like i still suck my thumb Mister? Come on...a large luxury appartment in Rockefeller Plaza only two weeks ago??

(G): You are right...but it´s a gambling winning mister...

(TI): You c*cksucker!!! What about the condo in Los Cabos acquired barely two months ago huh???? Gambling too right??

(G): Yes...gambling winning...let me explain all this to you Mr. Jealous Inspector...i bet you 500 dollars i can bite one of my eyes...

(TI): What?? Are you kidding me? How will you do that??

(G): Do you bet or not?

(TI): Ok you tax evasor...i will have me 500 dollars...go ahead!

The gentleman pulls a prosthetic glass eye out of the eye orbit and bites it...
The tax inspector pulls out 500 dollars from his wallet and pays the lost gamble...

(TI): Ok, this is all very nice and smart, but you will not continue telling me all these goods are of your property as a cosequence of playing this magician wanna be tricks huh?

(G): Well i am gambling all the time...and make all kinds of bets...i bet you another 500 dollars i can bite my other eye...

(TI): HHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! You clown...you can not have another prosthetic because you are not blind...i´ll get my 500 back...i am in!!

The gentleman pulls out his artificial denture and bites one of his eyes...the tax inspector pays another 500...

(TI): Ok, you got me again...but i warn you all these goods can not be...

The Gentleman interrupts

(G): It all depends on the amount of money that becomes part of the gamble...want to bet 500,000 i have square testicles?

(TI): Unless you escaped from some sort of alien circus to then crash onto planet earth having square balls is impossible...i am in!

(G): Ok, go ahead and touch them.

The tax inspector proceeds to touch the balls of the taxpayer to realize his balls are completely normal...like oval...

(TI): See???? HUH?? You can not have all those goods because from time to time you might lose the gamble, like righ now!!!

The gentleman pays 500,000 dollars in cash to the tax inspector...

(G): But you will see...there is always a compensation...see that large group of people bursting in laughter looking into our room through the glass behind you? I bet them 2,000,000 dollars i could have a tax inspector grabbing my balls.

The Kiwi Farmer

A Kiwi farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the young man, who appears to be a wannabe yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
the farmer .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Member of Parliament with the Green Party, says the farmer .

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer . "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd
of sheep. Now give me back my dog!