Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

[k9kiwi]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shyte but me."

 

[Matt308]

 

[Udet]

As two hunters walk through the rain forest, one of them feels like taking a pee. While urinating he fails to detect a poisonous snake right on the spot he chose to urinate...the snake attacks and bites him in his penis.

The guy falls down in pain and yells to his hunter comrade "a snake just bit me!! call for help!!"...the other hunter grabs his satellite phone and calls the hunting camp located more than 50 miles from their location and asks for the camp doctor and tells him about the mishap asking for emergency directions to help his bitten comrade...

THE CONVERSATION (from the bitten guy´s perspective)

Hunter (H): Doctor Claude Jean-Pierre Mboma? My friend got just bitten by what seems to be a poisonous snake!!!
Doctor (D): (unhearable)
H: It´s his penis....
D: (unhearable)
H: No we did not bring any first aid kit....
D: (unhearable)
H: Some 50 miles away from where you are doctor...
D: (unhearable)
H: Please tell me what are our options are!!!!
D: (unhearable) -he then notices his friend´s eyes become wide open-
H: Tha..tha...that´s the only alternative available??? -he shows his back to the bitten guy and lowers his voice-, You are not being serious are you doctor?
D: (unhearable)

Then the bitten mate explodes "what does he say???? tell me!!!!"...the guy hungs up and responds: "that you are going to die".

 

[Matt308]

I've heard that theme before in a different joke, but can't place it. Good one.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[v2]

....

 

[Gnomey]

Interesting landing

 

[v2]

Interesting landing

If you have a good teacher every bit of it is possible...

 

[Pisis]

Almost like a comics.

 

[Matt308]

Good one!

 

[Udet]

A man was so short he was nicknamed "the helicopter", because everytime he farted a cloud of dust would be lifted.

 

[Matt308]

Boooooo.

 

[k9kiwi]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house
on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who all hugged
and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for
$500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an
18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of
30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She
took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles
and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, but what's the $5 for?"

Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for
you". "I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F--k him. Give him five bucks." She smiled shyly and said,
"The breakfast was my idea."

 

[Udet]

Matt: yes, the joke about the poisonous snake bite in the utterly vital crotch area was very good indeed.

 

[k9kiwi]

Wonder if the pilot knows.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Matt308]

I'm almost positive this has been posted before, but it deserves another round.
____________________________________________________________



>Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

>"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

>

>His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find

>that's a sheep, you freaking idiot."

>

>The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you b*tch."

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

yes been posted before still good, as is the postman one

 

[v2]

...

 

[Matt308]

San Francisco Gay Pride Parade?