Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2! (1 Viewer)

[Udet]

A man went on a month long cruise that took him to the solomon islands and across the southwest pacific. One night the order to abandon ship was given and the cruise ship sank; the man was held afloat by a raft...the next day he made it to the beach of a deserted island.

After a few days of wandering across the place, he saw what in the distance seemed to be a woman sitting on the beach....as he got close to the figure he discovered the woman was Jennifer Lopez. She told him she too had been on board the sunk cruise ship: they were the only ones who survived the sinking.

Being a celebrity, she did not bother that much in speaking to the man...she barely looked at him....but as weeks, and months passed she was cronfronted with reality and accepted the idea she needed that man to survive.

After many many months of being in the island, they kissed for the first time; a few weeks after the first kiss they finally had sex. It became their daily routine.

One day, the man said to her:

(Man): Jennifer can i ask you a big favour? Well...actually there are 3 favours i´d like to ask you...
(Jennifer): Maybe...what is it?
(M): Favour number one....do you mind if i call you Jack?
(J): Ummm...no, i don´t mind...an easy favour...and the other two?
(M): Would you mind wearing one of those mens suits and fake moustaches that washed ashore in lugagge after the ship sank?
(J): That´s weird...but yes, i can do that...and the last one?
(M): Ok, your name is Jack and you will wear the suit and fake moustache; now you will stay here and i will go in that direction down the beach, then i will walk back to where you are...
(J): Agreed...

So, the man walks away from where Jennifer Lopez (now Jack) is, and begins his walk back to where she (he) is....

(M): Jack!!!
(J): Hey!! How are you?
(M): You will not believe it but i´ve been screwing Jennifer Lopez for months!!!!!

 

[v2]

winter in Poland:

 

[k9kiwi]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some ones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's goig to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[Gnomey]

True

 

[Udet]

Three brothers crossed the border together -illegaly- and once inside the territory of the U.S.A. they followed different directions...one of the brothers went to Orange County, the second one stayed in Arizona and the third one reached New York.

After 30 years of staying in the U.S.A. all three became wealthy and noted businessmen in the cities where they lived. During all those years of absence, the father of the brothers died in the small distant home village in Oaxaca; the mother remained a poor and old widow.

One day the son that was living in California, where he became a brilliant architect, decided to visit her mother in Oaxaca.

Son # 1: "Mother i have issued orders to the chairman of my company he buys you the Mercedez Benz SLR Mc Laren and a Jaguar which will be brought down here. I know you have never been in a car, so a driver exclusively for you will be brought with the cars too. Both cars make a total of USD $ 600,000"

And the son flew back to his home in Orange County.

Another day, the son living in Arizona, where he had become a noted software developer, decided to visit her mother in Oaxaca.

Son # 2: "Mother i have engaged one of the most important architect firms in Mexico City to come here in the village and build a massive mansion for you. It will have swimming pools, gardens, gym, home theather, a large kitchen, and lots of bedrooms. The cost of the project will be USD 2.5 million."

And the son flew back to his home in Arizona.

Finally, the visit of the son who was living in NYC came -there, he had become the owner of a large restaurant chain-.

Son # 3: "Dear mother, i know you are a very very religious and conservative person...also i do not forget you never went to school, so you are iliterate...you have always had the bible by your side, but you can not read... here, have this unique and very rare parrot that was brought from the Amazon rain forest...it knows the whole bible in spanish, also in latin and arameic...it will tell you the Bible: old and new testament everytime you demand it...the price of the parrot was USD $ 4 million."

A few months after the visits of their sons, the mother called each of her sons:

Mom to the Orange County guy: "Dear Son, thank you very much for the cars, but the driver tells me it is impossible to drive them because as you know it rains throughout the year here...and we have no streets...so i have never been in the cars and besides that there is nothing to do in this town..."

Mom to the Arizona guy: "Oh my dear son, it seems like the big house the people who came here built is very pretty...but you know it is too big, and do not forget my legs ache and i can not walk that very much now...there are parts of this house that i´ve never been to...but thank you."

Mom the the NYC son: "Ohhhh my son!!!! You were the only one who really understood my needs...thank you for such a beautiful gift!! Let me tell you that the bird you gave me was delicious...we cooked the bird and the roast was great, it still makes my mouth water...thank you!"

 

[v2]

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I 'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

 

[Udet]

Good one v2!

 

[Gnomey]

Haha!

 

[Udet]

v2 if you know more keep them coming.

Gnomey say, did you understand the joke about the three brothers who crossed the border illegaly to became wealthy and stuff?

 

[Henk]

It was a easy joke to understand Udet.

 

[Gnomey]

^Yeah.

 

[Matt308]

Only my Alabama kin and Texas buddies will relate to this one...

______________________________________________________

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these
rules:



1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did MORE

work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.



2. It's called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going

to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.



3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,
don't

wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.



4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.

Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.



5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead

breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout
you fish for -- bait.



6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.



7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards (ducks) are making
their

final approach, we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure
it's not up to your ear at the time.



8. No, there's no Vegetarian Special on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare.

Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.



9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is really,

really sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it
unsweetened -- add a LOT of water.



10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice.



11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.

We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine (it's farm equipment)

that we only use two weeks a year.



12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop

when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.



13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah,
even breakfast).

We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school
football games

on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with yes, sir and yes,
ma'am, and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends
and neighbors.



14. We don't do hurry up well.



15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them.

You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.



16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp..

You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.



17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it -- pig
farms -- income -- money?

Get over it. Don't like the smell? Interstate 77 goes two ways Interstate
20 goes the other two. Pick one.



18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper

on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want

Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-20 west.



19. The Opener refers to the first day of deer season or dove season.

Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage

before daylight at the church on either day.



20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?



21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the

fish and bothers the gators...and if you hit it in the rough, we have
these

things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.



22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot

...his name is Sir, no matter how young he is.



23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them.

You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your
hood..



24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.

The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --

enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up
the flag burner.



25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up
there, why not stay there?



26. And no, down here we don't have an accent, you do.

 

[Matt308]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realises she
is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation
washes
over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip
or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with
excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT
next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to
maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at
this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American
men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian
who is
most likely to possess that distinction. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek
descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, holding out his hand. "Tonto
Papadopoulos."

 

[v2]

An F-16 pilot died at the controls of his aircraft and went to pilots'
hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um,I want door number 3," answered the pilot.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."

 

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

Hell

That reminds me of this song that we used to listen to back when I was in the Army. We even made a Crew Chief version and the pilots would sing this song and we would sing the crew chief song.

It was all in fun though. The pilots allways got along with the crew chiefs in our unit. It was like a happy family.

Here is the song. I am sure you will get a laugh out of it.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM3vLer6YFg

 

[Matt308]

Now that was FUNNY!

 

[v2]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

Here is another one from the same guys, that I thought was very funny about a possible WW3 scenerio:


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQzyXZTx3_A

 

[k9kiwi]

A REDNECK VALENTINE

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue,
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those
far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flanned shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin',
despite all the years
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day,
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flee market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
It's a new troll'n motor!