Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

[v2]

A World War II pilot story

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
(Joke best delivered with a good thick British accent)
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

 

[Wurger]

 

[k9kiwi]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

 

[Matt308]

Dear Abby:



My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?



Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

 

[k9kiwi]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"So how do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poopie?"

 

[Gnomey]

 

[v2]

 

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

A World War II pilot story

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
(Joke best delivered with a good thick British accent)
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

That was great!

 

[Cyrano]

When i saw that first Fenster '37 picture, I just had to make my own

 

[Cyrano]

 

[k9kiwi]

So,the first grade class' assignment was to think of something that excited them and explain it to the class.

Little Jimmy goes to the blackboard and laying the chalk on its side,draws a wide wavy line on the board.He says "That's thunder.The loud BOOM really excites me and makes me jump into the air."

The next girl Suzy,draws a couple jagged lines onto the board and explains "That's lightning.The bright flash always makes me blink and surprises me"

Little Tommy stands up and draws a dot onto the board and sits down.

The teacher asked "Tommy,what's that supposed to be?"

Tommy says "That's a period."

Teacher asks, "Well what is exciting about a period?"

"Well,my big sister in high school has missed two of them and our Mom and Dad are all excited about it."

 

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[v2]

 

[v2]

The Gunny Joke
A Marine Corps Leutenant walks into the head one day and sees the Gunnery Sgt. over at the far urinal. Gunny's got his schlong out (and oh, what a schlong it was! well over six feet in length, etc.)and he's beating the side of the urinal with it. Finally the urinal shatters.

"What the hell's going on in here, Gunny?" Shouts the young officer. Gunny, seeing that he's caught decides to make the best of it.

"Well, sir, I've found that if you take your dingus and strike it repeatedly against a solid object, it will grow in size and structural integrity."

The Lt. shakes his head and says, "I'm going to pretend I never saw that" and walks back to his office. It's a slow newsday so he sits down at his desk, shuffles paper, takes a sip of his coffee, etc.

Finally he looks around, whips his dingus out, and proceeds to knock it against the edge of his desk. He does this self-consciously at first, then his thoughts begin to drift. He thinks about life in the Corps, every meal's a banquet and all that. And he thinks to himself, y'know, I've really got it pretty good. I'm a young officer. I make good money. I've got a nice car and a beautiful wife and 2 happy kids.

A damn beautiful wife!

Yeah she's probably at home right now, he thinks to himself, asleep in her little silk neglegee...

The Lt. snaps out of his reverie, looks at his **** and is surprised that it is about five or six feet longer than it ever was. He proceeds to strike the desk with it in an agressive, military fashion. He finally cracks the desk in two.

The Leutanant looks at his clock. 1600, time to go home and **** his wife! He squares his uniform away, slings his **** over his shoulder, and heads out.

It's a beautiful day outside. The Leutenant, driving a shiny, new, red convertible, has got the top down and is hauling ass in a precise, hard-on induced, military fashion. His **** is now long enough to where he's just slinging it around, kind of like a lasso.

He stops at a light and pops the windows out of the van next to him. As the light turns green, he wraps his dick around the lightpole, kind of like Indiana Jones and his whip, and rips it out of the ground.

He pulls up into his lawn, doesn't even bother with the driveway, hops out and breaks the door down with his dick. He pops a couple of vases on the mantle, then breaks the bedroom door down as well.

Sure enough, there's his wife, asleep in her lingerie, tits half falling out of it. The Lt. comes up to the bed, a big, Victorian four-poster, and rattles his dick between the bedposts, like a fire alarm.

His wife, wakes up, rubs her eyes, and still half asleep says, "Gunny, is that you?"

 

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

I dont know if this has been posted before so here it is:

Little Melissa came home from first grade and told her father that she had
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a
Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd
start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how
he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could shoot the ******."

 

[Gnomey]

Yeah I think it has been posted before but it is still funny.

 

[Cyrano]

More humour about Hitler:
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

Heil Kitler

 

[Njaco]

Two boys were at public beach and wandered over to a section that was for nude sunbathers. Approaching a man laying on the beach with a bowler hat over his privates, they asked what was under the hat?

The man replied, "My Bird"

They asked, "Can we see you're Bird?"

The man loudly says "No" and orders them back to the public beach where they run to.

Once there, the oldest of the two boys says, "As soon as he falls asleep, I'm gonna peek under that hat and see that bird!"

An hour or two goes by when a blood curdling scream echoes across the beach and the older boy is seen running to the safety of the public side.

The younger boys keeps asking "What did you see, what did you see?"

The older boy catches his breath and utters, "You know how addy says survival of the Fittest? That bird was so ugly! I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs and set the nest on fire!!!!"