Good one.
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
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Good one.
A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
who lives next door, got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... And before he could say, "F**k," the Rottweiler ate him!
are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
who lives next door, got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... And before he could say, "F**k," the Rottweiler ate him!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER
It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch
until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces..........................
"SH - T!" said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center
It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."
The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch
until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces..........................
"SH - T!" said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center
Matt308
Glock Perfection
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting...
"Dopey screwed a penguin."
"Dopey screwed a penguin."
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting...
"Dopey screwed a penguin."
"Dopey screwed a penguin."
Both were really good.
Yeah The hypnotist one especially.
The hypnotist one especially.
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State . She spoke
for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living, should she one day become the
first female President. She referred to her career as a New York
Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her
desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
brothers." At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the
Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to
select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking
Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s*** it is unable to fly.
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State . She spoke
for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living, should she one day become the
first female President. She referred to her career as a New York
Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her
desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
brothers." At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the
Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to
select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking
Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s*** it is unable to fly.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Oldie, but goodie.
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
I quickly printed the "Quote" and taped it to my pre-wife's mirror.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
That will endear you to her heart.
My brother came up to me yesterday wanting to borrow some money.
I asked him what he wanted it for and was told
"Well, me and my wife's anniversary is coming up and I asked her what she wanted for number 10."
"She told me she wanted a divorce, only I wasn't planning on spending that much on her this year. Can you help a brother?"
I asked him what he wanted it for and was told
"Well, me and my wife's anniversary is coming up and I asked her what she wanted for number 10."
"She told me she wanted a divorce, only I wasn't planning on spending that much on her this year. Can you help a brother?"
Matt308
Glock Perfection
How about "NO".
trackend
Chief Master Sergeant
why has Edward WoodWard got 4 d's in his name?
cause Ewar Woowar sounds ****ing stupid
cause Ewar Woowar sounds ****ing stupid
Matt308
Glock Perfection
I don't know why, but I found that uproariously funny!
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