Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

[k9kiwi]

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the
bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and
impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your
brain for once! ; and show us your good manners?"

" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

 

[Matt308]

You know it must be an international colloquialism to use "Little Johnny" as the primary character in dirty jokes. Poor b@stard.

 

[k9kiwi]

Air Monkey

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display. While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local
Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line
service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a
monkey.

He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying,
"That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars Why did that
one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a line service monkey.

He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required
ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes.
He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the
money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in
another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive!
What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.

She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all
corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of
maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork.

A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.
The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy cr@p! What does this one do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but
drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[blue_halloween]

ok two stupid jokes..


this guy goes to the doctor and says, " Doc ive got no idea why but i keep singing .. why.. why.. whyyyyyy delila .. "

Ah says the Doc i know exactly what you got.... Tom Jones syndrom !

Tom jones syndrom ??? never heard of it says the guy ?

So the doc starts sing " well its not unusual......... "

Two Stupid pilots fight an Aircraft down onto the runway ones says to the other totally sweating... "you know thats the shortest runway ive ever landed on..."
the other looks left and right out the cockpit and says... "yep and the widest ive ever landed on..."

 

[Matt308]

Both were above my head.

 

[v2]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened , What's the hold up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

 

[Pisis]

That's old man...

Here's one lizard... vvv

 

[Matt308]

Looks high as a kite.

 

[Saberstrike]

Heh... Looks like someone got too hopped up on sugar and caffeine, and started losing so much energy that they are almost asleep...

Here's one:

 

[v2]

Uncle Bob gets shot down

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"

 

[Matt308]

Again with that poor wretch, Little Johnny.

 

[k9kiwi]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun


Italian
Ti amo


Chinese
Wo Ai Ni


Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass , Get in the truck .

 

[Matt308]

Anyone notice that the world knows American humor and politics, but the world rarely posts their own local humor and politics. Are us dumb Americans missing something?

 

[Matt308]

How do these signs pass any sane person's review?

 

[102first_hussars]

It would be funnier if he said.............."stop being a jew"

 

[k9kiwi]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

 

[v2]

...

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]

That has got to hurt!