Matt308
Glock Perfection
Reminds me of my childhood reading Mad Magazine.
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
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Reminds me of my childhood reading Mad Magazine.
Not really a joke but I think it is funny...
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Oh come on that is funny! Good to see the weapons industry has a sense of humour.
__________________________________________
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the Window,
"I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman
Replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What
did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account Now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does
Not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the Window
and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the Problem
here?"
"There is no damn problem." the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn
Bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"
__________________________________________
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the Window,
"I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman
Replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What
did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account Now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does
Not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the Window
and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the Problem
here?"
"There is no damn problem." the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn
Bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"
Matt308
Glock Perfection
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't
reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton
is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you
understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just
love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
See you tomorrow."
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't
reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton
is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you
understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just
love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
See you tomorrow."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
" Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
" Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad I think the UPS guy wants to
buy Mom."
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad I think the UPS guy wants to
buy Mom."
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
Ok, not really a joke,, but I didn't know where else to post it...
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEbETSCAIHk
They have strapped a car to a rocket. The car is a reliant robin, an old banger of a british car. This was completley financed by the TV program. Kind of related to aviation, not WWII, fairly funny, worth seeing the rocket explode though.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEbETSCAIHk
They have strapped a car to a rocket. The car is a reliant robin, an old banger of a british car. This was completley financed by the TV program. Kind of related to aviation, not WWII, fairly funny, worth seeing the rocket explode though.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Jeez. That was much more elaborate than I anticipated. Didn't appreciate the shuttle special effects at lift off, but then again, I never thought it would get off the ground!
__________________________________________________
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boy's leg. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.'
"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began typing, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack". "But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says,"I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red
Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy . What 'team' or 'person' do you like?''
"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
__________________________________________________
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boy's leg. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.'
"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began typing, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack". "But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says,"I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red
Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy . What 'team' or 'person' do you like?''
"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Attachments
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
Very funny, but the woman who played that must have felt like Sh!t. Only, be careful who you show that to, or wives might get I deas about laundry, cooking e.t.c...
Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars" she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're "going at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them---it's a police officer.
"Say, what's going on here?" asks the officer.
"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."
"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face .
He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're "going at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them---it's a police officer.
"Say, what's going on here?" asks the officer.
"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."
"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face .
Matt308
Glock Perfection
My part Norwegian vife will get a kick out of that one. Her Bestafa (Grandfather) talked just like that. He was a kick. Olympic ski jumper. You know the kind where they used to go down the long ramp with no poles, jump, and then gyrate their arms "to make them fly farther".
How times have changed.
How times have changed.
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1Rl0F5bR9o
Tut...
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4gMIl--8Dw
Over questions wether the prime minister of britain should retire in the summer...
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Perhaps just my mood, but I found the Blair parody just disturbing. Not the Bush parody? Nope. Just sad that Blair is being victimized. Oh well.
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Hmm. Sounds like our House of Representatives. "We'll fund the warrior, but only if I can include my state pork spending to study why infants are small in stature."
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jlDLrQscvk
sorry if you find it racist. It's about nazis, not germans...
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