Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!

[trackend]

Two statues one male one female sat facing each other in a city park. until one day an angel came down from heaven. as a reward for being exemplary statues she was going to bring them to life for 30 mins and they could do what ever they wanted.with a wave of her wand they came to life looked at each other then headed for the nearest hedge. after a lot of giggling and laughter and rustling they came back looking rather flushed. the angel said that was quick you,ve still got 15 mins left.the male statue looked at the female and said right this time you hold the pigeon down and i,ll s**t on its head.

 

[k9kiwi]

Whats the difference between a trapeeze artist and a prostitute.





































One of them has a cunning stunt.

 

[v2]

The last laugh!
Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.

It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"

 

[Ajax]

A "Merkin" (pronounced "Mur-Kin" is a form of pubic wig.
I don't know if you've noticed, but the Merkin appears many times in President Bush's speeches;

"My fellow Merkins" he says, "I must state that the Iraqis should not erupt into civil war. and if they do, I promise I will protect the Merkins and the Merkin way of life. As a Merkin myself, I feel sorry for those Merkins who find themselves on the frontlines, exposed. So let us give thanks to those Merkins, thay are heroes to me.
Thankyou.

 

[Matt308]

>> >A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
>> >into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in
>> >bed.
>> >
>> >He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
>> >girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
>> >and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
>
>> >wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
>He
>> >probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
>I
>> >saw how he kissed your neck.
>> >If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells
>you.
>> >Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
>> >very dangerous If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I
>love
>> you."
>> >
>> >His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
>my
>> >ear.
>> >He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had
>> >any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
>> >love you too!"

 

[v2]

Training the blonde
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[Matt308]

Didn't see that one coming.

 

[Gnomey]

Me neither

 

[Ajax]

Now i'm a modern, hetrosexual man. I can go out and buy a packet of tampons and not be embarassed.




But apparently, they're not a "proper present"

 

[Matt308]

Haven't seen Lanc in a while. Oh well. One of his ewes sent me a picture of his bedroom. I was wondering what you guys make of this...

 

[twoeagles]

Hmmmm. Lanc has indeed been counting sheep....

 

[Gnomey]

Or at least counting something to do with sheep....

 

[Ajax]

is he welsh? just curious...

 

[Gnomey]

Cornish...

 

[v2]

Love story...

http://lols.ru/uploads/files/audio/69.swf

 

[Wurger]

 

[Matt308]

Sick.

 

[v2]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a red Porsche and his parents yelled at him, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Are women good or what?

 

[Ajax]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkmHcAnPDIA

It's not often Brits swear like that...
Normally

 

[Matt308]

An oldie but goodie. And almost a tragic accident.