102first_hussars
Tech Sergeant
... If u have sex 365 times a year and u melted down all the condoms tomake a tire what would u call it?..................................... a goodyear!
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2! (1 Viewer)
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A Texas Aggie went to Harvard for grad school. He comes struttin' up to a bunch of young gentlemen who are wearing slacks and bowties, and says "Howdy! Could you tell me where the library's at?" The men stare down this fellow and say in their most proper English, "Sir, here at Harvard, we don't end our sentences with prepositions." The Aggie thinks for a second, then says, "Ok. Could you tell me where the library's at, jackass?"
A Japanese man was attempting to convert his yen into American dollars.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .
The Asian guy is taken aback and says, "Well fluc you white people too!"
A Japanese man was attempting to convert his yen into American dollars.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .
The Asian guy is taken aback and says, "Well fluc you white people too!"
The Biggest Lies in the Air Force...
Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here.
Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help.
Me? I've never busted minimums.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I'm a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the T.O.
This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent.
The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I've got the field in sight.
I've got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I'm SURE the gear was down.
Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here.
Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help.
Me? I've never busted minimums.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I'm a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the T.O.
This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent.
The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I've got the field in sight.
I've got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I'm SURE the gear was down.
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Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
LMFAO, that one cracked me up:
LOL!
After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and La Leche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by his wife's bedside throughout labor and delivery.
Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife's hand afterward and said emotionally, "Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth."
"Okay, honey," his wife replied. "Smile as hard as you can."
Beaming down beautifully at his wife and newborn child, the man commented, "That's not so hard."
She continued, "Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth." He obeyed, smiling broadly.
"Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go," she went on.
"Still not too tough," he remarked.
"Right," she snapped. "Now pull them over your head."
Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife's hand afterward and said emotionally, "Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth."
"Okay, honey," his wife replied. "Smile as hard as you can."
Beaming down beautifully at his wife and newborn child, the man commented, "That's not so hard."
She continued, "Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth." He obeyed, smiling broadly.
"Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go," she went on.
"Still not too tough," he remarked.
"Right," she snapped. "Now pull them over your head."
marconi
Airman 1st Class
Check this!
Don't these guys look similar?
If you haven't figured out who they are - they're Leonardo DiCaprio and Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin).
Don't these guys look similar?
If you haven't figured out who they are - they're Leonardo DiCaprio and Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin).
Screaming Eagle
Senior Master Sergeant
heres one:
A woman put in a personal ad in her local paper, It contained:
looking for a man
must not beat me
must not run out on me
and must be good in bed
a couple of days go by with many unsuccessful applicants until she hears her doorbell ring. To her suprise its a man with all of his limbs missing. She then asks "what are you doing here". The man replies "I have come to answer the personal ad". She then says
"you have no arms"
"so I cant beat you up" the man replies
"ok, but you have no legs"
"so I cant run out on you" the man says.
Curious the woman then says "how do I know you are good in bed?"
Then the disabled man replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A woman put in a personal ad in her local paper, It contained:
looking for a man
must not beat me
must not run out on me
and must be good in bed
a couple of days go by with many unsuccessful applicants until she hears her doorbell ring. To her suprise its a man with all of his limbs missing. She then asks "what are you doing here". The man replies "I have come to answer the personal ad". She then says
"you have no arms"
"so I cant beat you up" the man replies
"ok, but you have no legs"
"so I cant run out on you" the man says.
Curious the woman then says "how do I know you are good in bed?"
Then the disabled man replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The phone rang and the woman answered it...
Nurse (N): good afternoon is this mrs. Monica Smith?
Woman (W): Yes...who´s this?
N: I am the nurse calling from Doctor Ryan´s laboratory and there´s some information i´d like to confirm with you...
W: What is it?
N: Are you the wife of John M. Smith...John Michael Smith?
W: That is correct...why?
N: It´s just that my records here show two patients with exactly the same name, and not just that, they are of the same age...your John Michael Smith is 52 right?
W: Yes he is...
N: Ok mrs. Smith, here is the situation: there is a positive HIV test for one John M. Smith and a positive alzheimer test for the other John M. Smith...do you know which test your husband got?
W: No i do not...i think he told me but i forgot...this is terrible...what should i do??
N: Ok, here´s what to do...take him for a ride late in the night...drive as far away from the city as you can, then stop in some dark area of the road, open your door, walk around and forcibly pull him out of the car and leave him there...if he returns home do not f*ck him.
Nurse (N): good afternoon is this mrs. Monica Smith?
Woman (W): Yes...who´s this?
N: I am the nurse calling from Doctor Ryan´s laboratory and there´s some information i´d like to confirm with you...
W: What is it?
N: Are you the wife of John M. Smith...John Michael Smith?
W: That is correct...why?
N: It´s just that my records here show two patients with exactly the same name, and not just that, they are of the same age...your John Michael Smith is 52 right?
W: Yes he is...
N: Ok mrs. Smith, here is the situation: there is a positive HIV test for one John M. Smith and a positive alzheimer test for the other John M. Smith...do you know which test your husband got?
W: No i do not...i think he told me but i forgot...this is terrible...what should i do??
N: Ok, here´s what to do...take him for a ride late in the night...drive as far away from the city as you can, then stop in some dark area of the road, open your door, walk around and forcibly pull him out of the car and leave him there...if he returns home do not f*ck him.
How true...
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Tarzan Not Know Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel "
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel "
Matt308
Glock Perfection
There was a Penis Study In 1993, and the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, England decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of Guiness, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
After the US published the study, England decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of Guiness, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.
With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.
With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
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