Quokes/Jotes...Continued!

[Pisis]

Three stoned guys are sitting next to the road. A car passes them. Five minutes it's silence when the first guy says: "It was a Ford."
After another five minutes the second one replies: "No, it was a Mazda!"
Another ten minutes of silence and then the last stoned guy says: "Hey guys, c'mon, if you're about arguing, I'm gonna go home!"

---

A Deathman walks into the PC room but it is only about 4,5 cm tall. The guy in front of the PC is scared but the Deathamn say: "Don't be worry, I'm here for your HDD."

---

A young lady is walking through a park when suddenly a man jumps on her and rapes her. After it's finished, he says: "When it's born, you can call it Frank, if you want."
She replies: "When you feel it, you can call it flu, if you want."

---

A nun is running through the church and yells: "I've been raped! I've been raped!"
An older nun comes to her and says: "Firstly bite into a lemon and then go to the First Nun and report what has happened to you."
"Do you think I could turn into a virgin again?"
"No, but your happy face will disappear"

---

Soviet HQ: "So these Yankees have landed on the Moon, so we need to revenge it. Comrades, you're gonna land on the Sun!"
"But Commrade, it's a non-sense, there's a great heat there!"
"I've counted with it, of course! You gonna fly in night!"

 

[cheddar cheese]

That last one is good.

 

[Nonskimmer]

The last three are great.

 

[Pisis]

During the Cold War: The USA and Soviet Union had agreed to destroy all WMD's. The Americans destroyed all of the WMD's under control of Soviets, the Soviets have scrapped all of the WMD's under the look of US soldiers.

 

[marconi]

F-111 is flying somewhere on the North.Suddenly something happens to their engine and they are forced to land.While they are trying to deal with their engine the Soviet AN-2 lands near them, also having some malfunctions.They help each other then in the evening they drink some vodka for friendship between nations, for peace in the world and so on.
On the next morning Russian captain wakes up with terrible headache and asks his second pilot:
-Hell, Borya, do you remember what I have promised to Americans yesterday?
-You've made a parry with them, that your plane is faster then theirs and you will beat them in race.
-F**K!!! ...Well its late to step back, we'll have to do something.OK, tie up the rope to their plane's tail and to our plane.
Then the race begins.
American pilot asks his navigator:
-OK, where are those Russians?
-They are on our tail.
-Let's speed up
....
-Where are they?
-Still on our tail.
-Change wings to swept wing position.
...
-Are they still there?
-Yup
-Let's speed up again.
...
-Did w loose them?
-No.
-Go to supersonic.
-OK .... We've lost, boss, they've only begun to change their wing geometry...

 

[Pisis]

an old one

Tricks on Your Friends When You Drink:

1) Chair trick:

When you're more then 3 people, this is very funny.

You'll need:
-A chair
-Something soft to land on
-Something for disable eye looking
-A cap or hat, etc.
-More then three people (5+ is best)

Choose two of your helpers --> go out of the room--> Tell them what is it: Two guys hold the chair, each from each side, thre 3rd is standing in front --> arrange the soft landing area (pillows or something is good) --> call the first volunteer --> rope his eyes with some scarf or something to disable his eyes --> put your cap on your head --> help him/her to stand on the chair --> tell him/her to hold your head --> while he/she is holding your head and cannot see what is happening, thw two helpers only lift the chair a small and start to gently shake with it, you go down in your knees constantly --> if you're very low now, all three start to shout "Jump! Jump!" --> the volunteer thinks he/she is somewhere near the ceiling, as he cannot see and is afraid to jump!

It's a crazy thing, most of the people thought the'yre really somewhere 2 meters above the floor! Girls are best, they are often scared to shit, when they hear the "jump, jump!" from the next room and often don't want to go!

2) Car Trick

This one is good when you're in the streets having fun. You need 1+ people to assist.

Tell someone you're gonna open every car he points at. He often points at some Mercedes or so... --> Say: "OK, why not, but turn aside and close your eyes." --> To ensure he isn't looking, tell your helper to cover his eyes. --> Make some alike noise, like knocking on the car or anything, that the volunteer thinks you're trying to open it. --> Very quickly dirt your hands with the exhaust dirt and smoke --> say something like "Oh, shit, it's hard..." and tell the helper "Try it instead of me if you seccess..." and hold the volunteer with your dirty hands --> the helper says something like: "Oh, shit, it's unable!" --> so say "OK, sorry dude, I lose!" and let him --> now he has the dirt on his face but knows nothing and the fun begins! It's often good to say "OK, man, I've lost so let's go to some pub, I'll pay your beer!" Now check what happens in the pub - he looks like an indian or so and it's only up to you to tell him!

 

[Pisis]

A British driver goes on a trip to Continent. He's speeding down the highway and truns on the radio: "Breaking News! A Dangerous Mad Freak is Driving in an opposite direction on the main Highway!" The guy yells: "If only one!"

 

[marconi]

Me! 8)

 

[Pisis]

Shto ty zkazal? (My azbuka reading is very bad, sorry....)

 

[Pisis]

And btw, do you live in a gym? Your hands seem to be evry big!

 

[Medvedya]

Would a true frontovik wear anything else but a gym? Boom boom!

 

[marconi]

Ha! Do you know whose portrait was it before my head appeared there?

(what is written there is not really important, it's a kind of a joke, and explanation of it will be too long )

 

[Nonskimmer]

Ha! Do you know whose portrait was it before my head appeared there?

Hmmmm, lets see.
Soviet marshall's uniform, Hero of the Soviet Union medal, smoking a pipe while leaning over map...

It could only be...Benito Mussolini!

 

[Medvedya]

Some computer tech joke about terabytes - no idea what skachayem means though.

Edit: okay - I tried to look it up in the starei slovar - something to do with racing?

 

[marconi]

Nonskimmer, Benito was smoking a pipe?

In Russian the sence of the sentence is mostly made by the structure of words.This is achived by adding prefixes, suffixes and endings.Each of them gives a word it's own meaning, sligtly different to original.In this case ending " -em" means plural form and prefix "s-" means finished action.You had to search for a word "kachat' " wich means pump.It is also a computer slang meaning download.

It's said there: "Let's download another terabyte!".The style of the sentence is similar to the original slogan.

I hope I didn't bored you with my small lection

 

[Pisis]

Bennito smoked crack, I'd guess.

 

[Nonskimmer]

No doubt.

 

[Pisis]

And Churchill smoked hashis, if i don't confuse... That's why he allways invented a non-conventional resolution!

 

[Nonskimmer]

The Canadian prime minister of the time, Mackenzie King, used to ask his dog for advice. I think that might explain a lot, actually.

 

[Pisis]

One of some politicians (my dumbhead cannot remember who was it actually at this time...) named a horse a member in the parliament.