marconi
Airman 1st Class
Pisis, it was Claudius, emperor of Roman Empire.Though actually it still was called Republic and his post was either 'dictator for life' or 'princip senatus' - first among senators.
Quokes/Jotes...Continued!
- Thread starter Pisis
- Start date
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- Thread starter
- #22
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Oh, yeah, I knew it wasn't anyone nowadays. But easily could be... 
Saddam or Ahmadzheenadzhaad.
Saddam or Ahmadzheenadzhaad.- Thread starter
- #23
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Jokes on War in Iraq
An interview:
"Mr. Bush, do you have evidence that Saddam has the WMD's?"
"Yes, we have saved the sales slips."
---
After the end of the war, the Iraq will be splitted into three zones. Natural, Natural plus and Diesel.
---
A dissappeared US helicopter Apache was found in Moscow. The helicopter hdisappeared during a desert storm in Bahgdad.
---
The Iraqi TV showed a tank convoy of further POW's.
---
The anlytics of Pentagon confirmed that the War in Iraq shouldn't be long, if the Iraqis wouldn't mix into its flow.
---
From the US Army report: "(...) The tactics of using battle dolphin succeed only partly in the Desert (...)"
An interview:
"Mr. Bush, do you have evidence that Saddam has the WMD's?"
"Yes, we have saved the sales slips."
---
After the end of the war, the Iraq will be splitted into three zones. Natural, Natural plus and Diesel.
---
A dissappeared US helicopter Apache was found in Moscow. The helicopter hdisappeared during a desert storm in Bahgdad.
---
The Iraqi TV showed a tank convoy of further POW's.
---
The anlytics of Pentagon confirmed that the War in Iraq shouldn't be long, if the Iraqis wouldn't mix into its flow.
---
From the US Army report: "(...) The tactics of using battle dolphin succeed only partly in the Desert (...)"
- Thread starter
- #24
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
random
Man and woman, never saw each other previously, have to travel in a train bed coupé together. After some hesitates they agree that the woman will sleep on the upper bed and the man on the lower bed.
In the middle of the night, the woman wakes up and wakes up the man: "Please, sir, could you go and ask the conductor if he has an extra quilt?"
The man blicks with his eyes and says: "I got a better idea. What about pretending that we are married..."
The woman smiles with slight shyness: "Well, why not..."
Man: "so don't piss me off and go ask yourself!"
---
A Math professor walks into a Photo shop:
"I need to make photos"
"9 x 13?"
"117... Why?"
Man and woman, never saw each other previously, have to travel in a train bed coupé together. After some hesitates they agree that the woman will sleep on the upper bed and the man on the lower bed.
In the middle of the night, the woman wakes up and wakes up the man: "Please, sir, could you go and ask the conductor if he has an extra quilt?"
The man blicks with his eyes and says: "I got a better idea. What about pretending that we are married..."
The woman smiles with slight shyness: "Well, why not..."
Man: "so don't piss me off and go ask yourself!"
---
A Math professor walks into a Photo shop:
"I need to make photos"
"9 x 13?"
"117... Why?"
- Thread starter
- #25
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
War Fighter Pilot Jokes
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. When he says, "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds the bulb and stands still as the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you bury a 225 pound fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema -- and bury what's left in a match box.
Q. How can you identify a naked fighter pilot?
A. They're the ones with the microscopic male endowment and the great big Mickey Mouse wrist watches.
Vietnam War Fighter Pilot
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked. "I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam ," was the answer.
Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good.
"What do you call that song?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer.
"I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called.
When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
An Air Force Fighter Pilot - dressed to kill in his dress blues - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the captain and asked him, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
To which he replied, "Well, I fly F-16s every single day of the week, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left, and the fighter pilot ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A BBC TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish fighter pilot.
Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?
Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded.
Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames.
The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!
Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.
Polish Fighter Pilot: No, No, No - these fokkers were Messerschmitts!
Before becoming a real fighter pilot, Little Bill Bingham is playing like one as he sits on his tricycle waiting for take-off.
Tower clearance is received and Bill taxis down the driveway and onto the active runway sidewalk where he begins peddling furiously to attain lift-off speed.
Just as he rotates the tricycle nose into the take-off attitude, Suzy Brown ambles down her driveway and nonchalantly steps on the back of Bill's tricycle with her dress billowing up and over Bill's head.
Bill angrily exclaims, "Suzy Brown, I'm an Air Force Fighter Pilot and what you just did is aerodynamically impossible -- but since you're aboard the aircraft, I'll let you fly the mission with me".
Despite unexpected Zero-Zero Instrument Metrological Conditions from not being able to see thru Suzy's dress, budding fighter pilot extraordinaire Billy maintained directional control and continued to pedal his tricycle without loss of thrust or having to abort the take-off.
When safely airborne, gear and flaps up and everything under control, Bill relaxes, glances up and notices that Suzy isn't wearing any panties.
In seeing something he had never seen before, Bill asks what it is.
Suzy explains the situation and tells Bill he has to kiss it – at which time Little Billy dismounts from his tricycle and runs away, yelling back, "No way – I'm not a real Air Force fighter pilot."
The Herc and the F-15s
A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time.
Talk comes 'round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc's deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level.
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back, scratched my butt and took a leak."
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. When he says, "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds the bulb and stands still as the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you bury a 225 pound fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema -- and bury what's left in a match box.
Q. How can you identify a naked fighter pilot?
A. They're the ones with the microscopic male endowment and the great big Mickey Mouse wrist watches.
Vietnam War Fighter Pilot
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked. "I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam ," was the answer.
Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good.
"What do you call that song?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer.
"I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called.
When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
An Air Force Fighter Pilot - dressed to kill in his dress blues - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the captain and asked him, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
To which he replied, "Well, I fly F-16s every single day of the week, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left, and the fighter pilot ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A BBC TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish fighter pilot.
Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?
Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded.
Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames.
The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!
Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.
Polish Fighter Pilot: No, No, No - these fokkers were Messerschmitts!
Before becoming a real fighter pilot, Little Bill Bingham is playing like one as he sits on his tricycle waiting for take-off.
Tower clearance is received and Bill taxis down the driveway and onto the active runway sidewalk where he begins peddling furiously to attain lift-off speed.
Just as he rotates the tricycle nose into the take-off attitude, Suzy Brown ambles down her driveway and nonchalantly steps on the back of Bill's tricycle with her dress billowing up and over Bill's head.
Bill angrily exclaims, "Suzy Brown, I'm an Air Force Fighter Pilot and what you just did is aerodynamically impossible -- but since you're aboard the aircraft, I'll let you fly the mission with me".
Despite unexpected Zero-Zero Instrument Metrological Conditions from not being able to see thru Suzy's dress, budding fighter pilot extraordinaire Billy maintained directional control and continued to pedal his tricycle without loss of thrust or having to abort the take-off.
When safely airborne, gear and flaps up and everything under control, Bill relaxes, glances up and notices that Suzy isn't wearing any panties.
In seeing something he had never seen before, Bill asks what it is.
Suzy explains the situation and tells Bill he has to kiss it – at which time Little Billy dismounts from his tricycle and runs away, yelling back, "No way – I'm not a real Air Force fighter pilot."
The Herc and the F-15s
A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time.
Talk comes 'round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc's deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level.
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back, scratched my butt and took a leak."
evangilder
"Shooter"
Those were good. I love the fokker and the C-130 one the best.
Nice ones Pisis!
FLYBOYJ
"THE GREAT GAZOO"
Lance Armstrong's Banned Substances Unveiled-Please read
11:00 PM PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.
The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap - which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."
Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and balls.
11:00 PM PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.
The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap - which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."
Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and balls.
Nonskimmer
Captain
Cold.
evangilder
"Shooter"
ROFL! That was hilarious!
cheddar cheese
Major General
Haha thats bloody brilliant
evangilder
"Shooter"
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to LosAngeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to LosAngeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
- Thread starter
- #35
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
good one.
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
hehe hehe they're good!
cheddar cheese
Major General
Poor simple minded CC doesnt get that last joke.
Nonskimmer
Captain
For CC only: The passenger in coach sh*t his pants.
Great joke.
Great joke.
cheddar cheese
Major General
Aha, I see 
Maestro
Master Sergeant
Good joke. An other one in the same way...
Shortly after an airline plane took off, the pilot of the plane made his usual announce : "Ladies and gentlemen, this is commander speaking. Welcome aboard Flight 254. We're gonna fly at an altitude of 25,000 feet with clear weather and light winds..."
After completing his speech, he started to talk with the co-pilot, not realizing that he forgot to shut down the microphone.
- You know the new air-hostess ? The blond one in second-class ?
- Yeah... answered the co-pilot.
- She's got a nice ass. I'll go to the toilets and then I think I'm gonna f*ck her...
Hearing that, the air-hostess thought : "His microphone is still on... I must go tell him !" and ran all the way back to the pilot's compartment.
An old man at the back of the plane raised and shouted : "Hey, you haven't heard ? He said he had to go to the toilets first !"
Okay... that one sucked a little.
Shortly after an airline plane took off, the pilot of the plane made his usual announce : "Ladies and gentlemen, this is commander speaking. Welcome aboard Flight 254. We're gonna fly at an altitude of 25,000 feet with clear weather and light winds..."
After completing his speech, he started to talk with the co-pilot, not realizing that he forgot to shut down the microphone.
- You know the new air-hostess ? The blond one in second-class ?
- Yeah... answered the co-pilot.
- She's got a nice ass. I'll go to the toilets and then I think I'm gonna f*ck her...
Hearing that, the air-hostess thought : "His microphone is still on... I must go tell him !" and ran all the way back to the pilot's compartment.
An old man at the back of the plane raised and shouted : "Hey, you haven't heard ? He said he had to go to the toilets first !"
Okay... that one sucked a little.
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