Matt308
Glock Perfection
Hehehe. Sometimes its better to be a mutt like me.
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
- Thread starter Pisis
- Start date
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Joe2
Banned
Prepre yourselves for the worst joke ever told:
why did the duck cross the road?
The chicken was on holiday!!!!!
why did the duck cross the road?
The chicken was on holiday!!!!!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Yep. You were right.
Joe2
Banned
sorry
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this,when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this,when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Joe2
Banned
Matt308
Glock Perfection
I think this is has been posted before, but I have to live up to my moniker I 'spose.
__________________________________________
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough,
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get
a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"
The Arkansa n said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma,
Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts
of Indiana , Louisiana , Alabama and Iowa
__________________________________________
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough,
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get
a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"
The Arkansa n said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma,
Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts
of Indiana , Louisiana , Alabama and Iowa
Joe2
Banned
and don't forget no.10 dowding street in london!
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and
> > said "I want to be a movie star.Tall, handsome and with
> experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
> > The agent asked, "What's your name?"
> > The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
> > The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
> > Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
> > "I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old,
> > I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not
ever."
>
> > The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ... you
> > will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!
I'm
> > telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to
> represent you."
> > "Well, I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
> > he left the agent's office.
>
> > FIVE YEARS LATER ...
>
>
> > The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the
> > envelope is a letter
>
> > and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would
> > possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ...
>
> > "Dear Sir,Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
> become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to
> change my name. Determined to make it with my
> > God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I
> > would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
> > Penis Van Lesbian.After I left your office,
> I thought about what you said. I decided you
> > were right. I had to change my name.
> > I had too much pride to return to youroffice, so
> I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
> > without changing my name, so the enclosed
> > check is a token of my appreciation.
> >
> > Thank you for your advice.
> > Sincerely,Dick Van Dyke
> > said "I want to be a movie star.Tall, handsome and with
> experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
> > The agent asked, "What's your name?"
> > The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
> > The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
> > Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
> > "I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old,
> > I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not
ever."
>
> > The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ... you
> > will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!
I'm
> > telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to
> represent you."
> > "Well, I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
> > he left the agent's office.
>
> > FIVE YEARS LATER ...
>
>
> > The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the
> > envelope is a letter
>
> > and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would
> > possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ...
>
> > "Dear Sir,Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
> become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to
> change my name. Determined to make it with my
> > God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I
> > would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
> > Penis Van Lesbian.After I left your office,
> I thought about what you said. I decided you
> > were right. I had to change my name.
> > I had too much pride to return to youroffice, so
> I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
> > without changing my name, so the enclosed
> > check is a token of my appreciation.
> >
> > Thank you for your advice.
> > Sincerely,Dick Van Dyke
Joe2
Banned
nice. what would you do if you saw the a film with a star like that!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Irony. The source of 50% of all humor.
Pilot Threesome...
SPANGDAHLEM AIR BASE, Germany — A Spangdahlem-based airman was sentenced Monday to four months confinement for her part in a sexual act with two other airmen.
Airman 1st Class Ashley N. Rains pleaded guilty at a court-martial to two indecent acts charges.
She had faced rape and sodomy charges but admitted to the lesser charges as part of a plea deal.
Judge (Col.) Gordon Hammock also sentenced Rains, 22, an aircrew life support specialist with the 22nd Fighter Squadron, to reduction to the lowest pay grade.
She faced a maximum sentence that included as many as 10 years in a military prison, but Air Force prosecutors argued for a lighter sentence of two years.
The alcohol-induced menage a trois on Sept. 24 in Bitburg included a male airman and a female staff sergeant.
But both prosecution and defense lawyers debated whether it was consensual among the three.
Rains and Airman Christopher D. Hicks are the only airmen charged in the incident because the Air Force lawyers said the staff sergeant was too drunk to give consent.
Air Force prosecutor Capt. Mike Felsen said the staff sergeant "appeared drunk" and slipped "in and out of consciousness" while Rains and Hicks performed sexual acts with her.
Felsen argued the staff sergeant, who did not testify during the trial, was vulnerable and Rains and Hicks took advantage of her.
But Rains' defense attorney, Capt. Matthew King, called the incident a situation involving three consenting adults with "various degrees of intoxication."
King argued that Rains shouldn't go to jail for what amounts to a drunken threesome.
"Does she really have to go to jail for this?" he asked.
The Air Force had charged Rains with rape and sodomy, but prosecutors could not prove the more serious charges, King added, therefore, the question of consent isn't relevant in Rains' case.
Rains said she was embarrassed by the episode.
"I've learned from this mistake," she said during a statement she read at the trial.
Hicks faces more serious charges.
The airman, who is assigned to the 52nd Civil Engineer Squadron, has been charged with rape and sodomy and will face a court-martial at Spangdahlem Air Base on May 30
Female Airman Punished for Threesome
SPANGDAHLEM AIR BASE, Germany — A Spangdahlem-based airman was sentenced Monday to four months confinement for her part in a sexual act with two other airmen.
Airman 1st Class Ashley N. Rains pleaded guilty at a court-martial to two indecent acts charges.
She had faced rape and sodomy charges but admitted to the lesser charges as part of a plea deal.
Judge (Col.) Gordon Hammock also sentenced Rains, 22, an aircrew life support specialist with the 22nd Fighter Squadron, to reduction to the lowest pay grade.
She faced a maximum sentence that included as many as 10 years in a military prison, but Air Force prosecutors argued for a lighter sentence of two years.
The alcohol-induced menage a trois on Sept. 24 in Bitburg included a male airman and a female staff sergeant.
But both prosecution and defense lawyers debated whether it was consensual among the three.
Rains and Airman Christopher D. Hicks are the only airmen charged in the incident because the Air Force lawyers said the staff sergeant was too drunk to give consent.
Air Force prosecutor Capt. Mike Felsen said the staff sergeant "appeared drunk" and slipped "in and out of consciousness" while Rains and Hicks performed sexual acts with her.
Felsen argued the staff sergeant, who did not testify during the trial, was vulnerable and Rains and Hicks took advantage of her.
But Rains' defense attorney, Capt. Matthew King, called the incident a situation involving three consenting adults with "various degrees of intoxication."
King argued that Rains shouldn't go to jail for what amounts to a drunken threesome.
"Does she really have to go to jail for this?" he asked.
The Air Force had charged Rains with rape and sodomy, but prosecutors could not prove the more serious charges, King added, therefore, the question of consent isn't relevant in Rains' case.
Rains said she was embarrassed by the episode.
"I've learned from this mistake," she said during a statement she read at the trial.
Hicks faces more serious charges.
The airman, who is assigned to the 52nd Civil Engineer Squadron, has been charged with rape and sodomy and will face a court-martial at Spangdahlem Air Base on May 30
Female Airman Punished for Threesome
Matt308
Glock Perfection
And the f^cking humor is exactly where?
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
I believe in the irony of the whole asinine situation.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Pardon the pun.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
couple, Moe and Flo,
both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks,
"What can I do for you?"
Moe says,
"Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50
and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems,
pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after SIX weeks of this routine, the doctor says,
"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
Moe says,
"We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married, and we can't go to her house.
I'm married, and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks,
"What can I do for you?"
Moe says,
"Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50
and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems,
pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after SIX weeks of this routine, the doctor says,
"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
Moe says,
"We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married, and we can't go to her house.
I'm married, and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
This one is for Hunter...
____________________________________
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, and then said,
"Your
penis
is
bigger
than
your
brother's".
____________________________________
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, and then said,
"Your
penis
is
bigger
than
your
brother's".
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