Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
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Negative Creep
Staff Sergeant
Two explorers are walking through the Savanna when they stumble across a ravenous looking Cheetah. Very calmly, one of them opens his backpack and proceeds to put on a brand new park of Nike Air Maxs.
'Wait a second' said his friend, do you really think they'll enable you to outrun that Cheetah?'
'No' he replies 'I just need to outrun you'
'Wait a second' said his friend, do you really think they'll enable you to outrun that Cheetah?'
'No' he replies 'I just need to outrun you'
Matt308
Glock Perfection
The Pastor and the Pilot....
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Air Canada pilot from Winnipeg." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Air Canada pilot from Winnipeg." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."
Matt308
Glock Perfection
cute
Matt308
Glock Perfection
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost
at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to
drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from friggin skippin' !"
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost
at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to
drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from friggin skippin' !"
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Good God. How do idiots like that get a license.
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
mkloby
Senior Master Sergeant
Just came across this one today...
"The average Navy pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else."
"The average Navy pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else."
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
There was this sailor and a marine who had been in a car wreck and died at the scene. They appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He greets them and hands each one a set of wings, telling them that the wings are theirs to keep for flying around heaven BUT any impure thoughts and the wings would fall off. So they are walking down the street and this beautiful naked young woman is walking down the other side. The sailor looks at her and his wings fall off. He bends over to pick them up and the marines wings fall off.
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
A man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
Little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
Hey Matt! Being Italian I take offense to that joke! Besides I no getta da job, dat somabitch said I hadda to work on Labour day. Ifa my wife she goes inna labour I'mma gonna be there (to see ifa da little **** he looka like me or no.)
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
Believe it or not this one actually happened to me a couple of months ago. Heading home in our dodge van after a long trip I get pulled over by a State Trooper. He comes back to the van and asks me if I know why he pulled me over? I said yes, I was going 62(MPH) in a 55(MPH) zone. He then asked me if I had any "priors" ( as in prior convictions for traffic violations). I replied no and my seven year old daughter sitting in the back seat says" Yes you do papa, you have a whole bunch of them at home in your tool box!" The Trooper and I looked at each other and then I started laughing and told her " Sweetie the Trooper said "priors" not "pliers" The Trooper cracked up and let me off with a warning and gave her a Junior Troopers badge.
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