Matt308
Glock Perfection
I don't get it, V2...
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
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Matt308
Glock Perfection
Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener
sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service
agents directly behind then. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
Then the agent says, "Mr. President, it was at the
unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$!*%$%**!!!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up down, cheering, hooting hollering, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing his agent had gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, Mr. President, Sir, I said they
wanted you to throw out the first "Pitch."
sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service
agents directly behind then. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.
Then the agent says, "Mr. President, it was at the
unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$!*%$%**!!!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up down, cheering, hooting hollering, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing his agent had gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, Mr. President, Sir, I said they
wanted you to throw out the first "Pitch."
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
You guys do love to hate Hillary...
_______________
Warning! Although just a drawing, this picture is of a sexual nature.
Horny Greeks...
Matt308
Glock Perfection
What's not to hate.
twoeagles
Senior Airman
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
Matt308
Glock Perfection
You guys do love to hate Hillary...
_______________
The next president of the most powerful nation on the planet?
Attachments
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. You
might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your
husband.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Joe and Gloria Hall retired, Gloria insisted Joe
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Joe was like most men--he found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Gloria was like most women--she loved to
browse.
One day Gloria received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Hall,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Hall are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look"
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your
husband.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Joe and Gloria Hall retired, Gloria insisted Joe
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Joe was like most men--he found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Gloria was like most women--she loved to
browse.
One day Gloria received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Hall,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Hall are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look"
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
haha!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Cute
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
Out of the blue...
Matt308
Glock Perfection
So true.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, the bear was even closer. Suddenly, he tripped fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw raising his r ight paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You denied my existence for all these years, teaching others I don't exist and even crediting creation to a cosmic accident." Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer now?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, the bear was even closer. Suddenly, he tripped fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw raising his r ight paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You denied my existence for all these years, teaching others I don't exist and even crediting creation to a cosmic accident." Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer now?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Cyrano
Airman 1st Class
Nixon, Nikita and Tito are in a plane over the jungle. Suddenly one of the engines blows up and they all have to bail. After hitting the group, a local tribe of blood thirsty cannibals spot the men and start chasing them along a jungle path.
"What do we do now!?" Screams Nikita.
Nixon pulls out his wallet and trows a bunch of dollars to the cannibals. The cannibals stop for a while and after deciding that green paper is not interesting they continue the chase even more furiously.
"You do something!" Nixon says to Nikita. Nikita throws a bunch of rubles from his pocket to the cannibals, but they don't even slow down.
"Tito, you do something!", they both scream. Tito stops and asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. Nixon gives his notebook to Tito and Nikita hands his pencil over. Tito writes something on a piece of paper, folds it and leaves it in the middle the path. When the cannibals reach the spot their leader picks the paper up and reads it. The whole tribe turns to the direction where they came from and start running like hell.
A moment later, all exhausted and sweaty, the three leaders stop running. "What did you write on that paper", Nixon asks from Tito. Tito replies: "This path leads to communism".
"What do we do now!?" Screams Nikita.
Nixon pulls out his wallet and trows a bunch of dollars to the cannibals. The cannibals stop for a while and after deciding that green paper is not interesting they continue the chase even more furiously.
"You do something!" Nixon says to Nikita. Nikita throws a bunch of rubles from his pocket to the cannibals, but they don't even slow down.
"Tito, you do something!", they both scream. Tito stops and asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. Nixon gives his notebook to Tito and Nikita hands his pencil over. Tito writes something on a piece of paper, folds it and leaves it in the middle the path. When the cannibals reach the spot their leader picks the paper up and reads it. The whole tribe turns to the direction where they came from and start running like hell.
A moment later, all exhausted and sweaty, the three leaders stop running. "What did you write on that paper", Nixon asks from Tito. Tito replies: "This path leads to communism".
Matt308
Glock Perfection
In Poland the joke is about a Christian on Arabian desert and a lion.But still funny.
Isn't it interesting how humor is a universal language. Just goes to show that common ground can always be found. Cheers Wurger.
Ajax
Airman 1st Class
Matt308
Glock Perfection
That's neurotic you know, Ajax.
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