Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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Six retirees playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 pounds on a single hand. He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws and Paul Gallagher is picked. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation worse.
"Discreet! Discretion is me middle name. I'm the most discreet you'll ever meet."
At Murphy's house, Gallagher knocks, and when Mrs. Murphy comes to the door, Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost 500 pounds and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!"
"I'll go tell him."
 
Into a pub comes Michael Murphy looking as if he had been hit by a train. His arm in a sling, broken nose, face cut and bruised,, and walking with a limp.
Sean asks, "What happened to you?"
"Paddy O'Connor and me had a fight."
"That little O'Connor? He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did . A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well, you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did, Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
 

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