Quotes and Jokes

[v2]

SUNDAY MORNING SEX

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wurger]

 

[102first_hussars]

 

[Wurger]

 

[trackend]

Great one

 

[k9kiwi]

Frozen Crabs

A man boarded an airplane in St. John's with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's Refrigerator, which she did.

Shortly before landing, try as she might, she couldn't remember
Who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in St. John's please Raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.

 

[Pisis]

During the Cold War, a president of a Communist country goes to an audience to the Queen of England.
When they meet on the official level, she gives him her hand in a glove to kiss it.
He asks: "Hey, Elizabeth, why should I kiss your glove instead of your hand?"
"Well, shhh, don't tell anybody, but I have an eczema..."
"Hah! I don't care! Brezhnew has piles!

 

[Wurger]

 

[Bf109_g]

 

[Matt308]

[tears] I'm speechless...

 

[v2]

...

 

[Cota1992]

Awesome!
That looks like the medical office I work in......
Art

 

[DOUGRD]

The scene: Two statues in a city park. One is a naked man and the other is a naked woman. God comes down to the statues and says"You two have been giving people inspiration and comfort from the sun with your shade for so long that I am going to reward you. I grant you both life for one hour." There was a thunder clap and a flash of light and both statues came alive. They jumped off their pedestals and ran into the bushes. Forty-five minutes later the naked woman comes out of the bushes combing her hair and humming to herself while the naked man appears all sweaty and exhausted. She turns to him and says " We've only got 15 minutes before we turn back into stone, please let's do it one more time. Please? The man turns to her and replies "Fine, but just once more, and this time I'll hold the pigeon and you sh-t on him!"

 

[Wurger]

And the Kieras' party.

 

[k9kiwi]

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[Lucky13]

Only in America...
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

 

[Lucky13]

Swearing Lesson Caution though....

 

[Njaco]

Atheist's holiday

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays.

He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. "And just when might that holiday be, your Honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday! Get it?"