Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter v2
- Start date
Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules
Three elderly gentlemen were discussing the facts of growing old one day sipping their beer at the local pub.
The 70 year old stated...
"I wake up at 7.30 and stand there straining until I am blue in the face, and all I get is a sad little trickle"
The 80 year old replied...
"I wake up at 8.00 and sit down, strain, grunt, force, until tears are running down my face for very little result"
The 90 year old sad sadly...
"At 7.00 I pee like a horse, and at 8.00 I take a dump that would make an elephant proud."
Whats wrong with that said the 80 year old.
The reply was....
"I don't wake up until 9.00"
The 70 year old stated...
"I wake up at 7.30 and stand there straining until I am blue in the face, and all I get is a sad little trickle"
The 80 year old replied...
"I wake up at 8.00 and sit down, strain, grunt, force, until tears are running down my face for very little result"
The 90 year old sad sadly...
"At 7.00 I pee like a horse, and at 8.00 I take a dump that would make an elephant proud."
Whats wrong with that said the 80 year old.
The reply was....
"I don't wake up until 9.00"
- Thread starter
- #23
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
over-sensitive woman.
My name is Roger. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Shirley. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Shirley to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Shirley.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.
Signed,
Roger
*
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Roger died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Shirley was arrested
and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Roger somehow, Without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
over-sensitive woman.
My name is Roger. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Shirley. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Shirley to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Shirley.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.
Signed,
Roger
*
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Roger died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Shirley was arrested
and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Roger somehow, Without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd rea lly like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat
in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had h appened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN
other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd rea lly like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat
in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had h appened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN
- Thread starter
- #27
- Thread starter
- #30
Cyrano
Airman 1st Class
Last edited:
Cyrano
Airman 1st Class
Last edited:
- Thread starter
- #34
A male Bear and a male Rabbit was walking about in the woods one day when suddenly coming across an old bottle. When touching the bottle a genie appeared, as they normally do, and told the pair that they had three wishes each.
The Bear started: I wish that all bears in this forrest, except for me, were ladies.
The Genie quickly snapped his finger and all bears in the forrest were female.
Now it was the Rabbits turn: I'd like to get this bigass castle with a huge field of carrots in front of it.
The Genie snapped his fingers and the Rabbit got his castle and carrots.
The Bear: I would just love it if all the bears, except for me, in this country would be females.
The Genie once more snapped his fingers and the Bears wish was fullfilled.
The Rabbit was a bit more held back in his next wish than the Bear and only wished for a fine wife and a couple of mistresses on the side..
The Genie said: Your wish is fulfilled and snapped his fingers.
Now it was time for the Bear to make his final wish: I want ALL the bears in the WORLD, except for me of course, to be females!
The Genie once more snapped his fingers and all the bears in the world, except for the Bear, were females.
Now, the Rabbit made his final wish: I wish that the Bear was gay!
The Bear started: I wish that all bears in this forrest, except for me, were ladies.
The Genie quickly snapped his finger and all bears in the forrest were female.
Now it was the Rabbits turn: I'd like to get this bigass castle with a huge field of carrots in front of it.
The Genie snapped his fingers and the Rabbit got his castle and carrots.
The Bear: I would just love it if all the bears, except for me, in this country would be females.
The Genie once more snapped his fingers and the Bears wish was fullfilled.
The Rabbit was a bit more held back in his next wish than the Bear and only wished for a fine wife and a couple of mistresses on the side..
The Genie said: Your wish is fulfilled and snapped his fingers.
Now it was time for the Bear to make his final wish: I want ALL the bears in the WORLD, except for me of course, to be females!
The Genie once more snapped his fingers and all the bears in the world, except for the Bear, were females.
Now, the Rabbit made his final wish: I wish that the Bear was gay!
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weathe r had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weathe r had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
- Thread starter
- #37
mosquitoman
Master Sergeant
Didn't realise he was looking for a replacement for Camilla so soon.
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Wow, he's really impressed with medals, huh!
