Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

Good one Udet

Wayne, Wilbur, Wurger, Konigstiger..i tip my hat to you, thank you.

Another one:

A man and woman -both in their late 20s; the woman a virgin- were planning to get married. But before doing that, she said to him there was something very important she had to confess: due to some rare disease her breasts had stopped growing, so she had the breasts of a 11 year old girl.

To this his response was: "My love...do you think i care about such meaningless thing. The love i feel for you is so strong...all i care about is the endless spiritual bond i have with you..."

But now that they were into the confessing thing, he too had something to confess to her; "What is it my love", she said.

The man responded: "My penis is the size of a newborn...like..a baby. I hope this doesn´t trouble you...".

She said, with a warm tender smile on her face: "Ohhh my love!! Do you think i care about such meaningless thing??? We have this universal boundless love here and that is all i care about".

So, the guys got married, and went upon their honeymoon. The very first night, right after entering their hotel room, a heated physical engagement commenced: kissing, touching, squeezing, biting, swallowing, moaning, tongues out like snakes, clothes ripped off, buttons flying all over the place...then the man took his trousers off...the woman saw it...and with her eyes wide open howled in terror and yelled: "You lied to me!!! You told me your penis was the size of a newborn´s!!!" and fled the room at high speed.

And the man yelled: "My love???!!!! I had told you this!!! My penis is the size of a newborn: "it weights 8 pounds and its 20 inches long!!!".

I know the joke but here in Poland it is about a man who is visiting a doc.But it is very funny.It is one of my favourite ones.

Wurger, another one:

At Sheremetyevo, during the Cold War, a British spy was being tailed by the KGB and was trying to avoid capture.

Suddenly he came along a nun and asked her to let him hide inside her habit, which she agreed.

Then a squad of KGB agents came along and asked the nun if she had seen a man -the British spy- describing the physical appearance of the individual they were after. She of course replied "Nyet".

When the KGB squad left the area, the British spy re-emerged from his hideout.

He said: "thanks...by the way...did you know you have very sexy legs?"

Nun: "No, i did not Son."

British Spy: "Did you feel when i kissed your lower legs?"

N: "Yes, Son."

BS:"And did you feel when i kissed your knees?"

N: "Yes, Son."

BS: "Did you feel when i kissed your thighs?".

N: "Yes, Son."

BS: "What would have happened if i had continued kissing upwards?"

N: "You would have kissed my balls...i am a Spy myself you know?".

Stop making me laughing.With tears on my eyes I can't read your jokes.



OK. Do you know like a tram looks inside.It usually has two rows of sits there.One on right side and the second on left one going along the tram.

A drunken man has got on a tram.Standing on the rear platform of it,he pointed at the left row and said : " All of you are the b****y ba****ds ".
Then he pointed to the right one and said " and all of you are thieves"

Hearing that, a man from the right row stood up and yelled " I have never stolen anything in my life yet, man."
"So"- said a the drunken man - "Take a sit on left"

keep 'em coming Guys!

Good one Udet...God I can't stop laughing...

Wurger: LOL!!!

Ok, here we have something rather different:

The Classification of the Human Feces -an holistic approach-. (I´d type "****", but knowing the word will be censored is that i instead will use the term Feces; more technical, ellegant perhaps).

1. "Cinnamon Stick" feces. The type that leaves its brownish mark on your white trousers.

2. "Dracula" feces. The type that leaves blood stains on the tissue.

3. "Ghost" feces. The type that makes you feel like taking a dump, but once seated on the toilet seat nothing comes out.

4. "Perfect" feces. You take a dump, and when you wipe your ass, the tissue is bright white, ready to wipe your nose.

5. "Wet" feces. -also referred to as the wet turd-; no matter what, you might wipe your ass 60 times, your anus still feels wet. You decide to put tissue between your anus and the trousers, and pretend everything´s cool.

6. "Encore" feces. You took a dump, wiped your ass, and when zipping your pants, you feel like taking another dump.

7. "Island" feces. The type that is so massive, so huge, the feces come above the toiler water line, forming a dry mass of land. This type will usually require two -or more- flushes.

8. "Explosive" feces. The type that is accompanied by remarkably loud expulsion of gases, frequently heard by all those in the house.

9. "Alcoholic" feces. The type that comes after a heavy drinking night. It features brush marks in the inner walls of the toilet. It is black, extremely stenchy stuff. The consistence is not very solid.

10. "Painful Delivery" feces. The type producing an excruciatingly painful delivery it makes you think the turd is not on a vertical direction.

11. "Splash" feces. The type that upon hitting the toilet water will splash your anus and buttocks.

12. "Spy" feces. The type that after flushing the toilet, goes away but returns to the toiler water.

13. "Stalactite" feces. The type that seems to come in a sole piece; no matter how much or how strong you might stretch your anus you can not cut it out.

14. "Surprise" feces. You feel like taking a dump, but for some reason believe you can do it later..but oh..surprise!

15. "Ritual" feces. The type that is mathematical. You take a dump exactly at the same hour every day, or you can not move ahead with your daily tasks if you do not take a dump at the exact hour.

16. "Now what?" feces. Right after delivery, you realize there is no tissue in the bathroom. Any newspaper, magazine found is of great help. In radical situations even socks and trousers are to be utilized.

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting
worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,
and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"

The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


Charles

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her
birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so
she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
wouldlike a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked
around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Charles and Udet

nice charles and udet

ok heres my contribution:

A wife is going through her husnabds trousers just before she is about to wash them. Whilst she is going through them she finds a note with a womans name and phoen number on it. So she goes into the living room where her husband is watching TV and hits him on the head with a frying pan. He yells at her "What the hell is that for", she says "Who is this woman and why do you have her phone number?". The husband then replies "you silly woman, thats the horse I bet on and thats the number of the race". "Oh" she says, "sorry dear" and then goes back to her washing. The next week shes comes back into the living room with an even bigger frying pan which knocks him out. Whn he comes to he says to her "what the hell was that for?", to which she replies, " your ****ing horse called!"

Top Stuff Guys...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
Who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully, you dickhead,
for the last time......... . BRING POSSE!!!!

The new Reverend was at his first mass, he was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Excellent Guys..

Screaming Eagle said:

nice charles and udet

ok heres my contribution:

A wife is going through her husnabds trousers just before she is about to wash them. Whilst she is going through them she finds a note with a womans name and phoen number on it. So she goes into the living room where her husband is watching TV and hits him on the head with a frying pan. He yells at her "What the hell is that for", she says "Who is this woman and why do you have her phone number?". The husband then replies "you silly woman, thats the horse I bet on and thats the number of the race". "Oh" she says, "sorry dear" and then goes back to her washing. The next week shes comes back into the living room with an even bigger frying pan which knocks him out. Whn he comes to he says to her "what the hell was that for?", to which she replies, " your ****ing horse called!"

Click to expand...

!

You get that one from Street Machine?

"Hello?"

"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She is upstairs with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he is upstairs with Mommy, right now."

Brief pause.

"Uh okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my god!!! What about Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was scared and jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
that you took the water out last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he is dead."

****Long pause*****


****Longer pause****


*****Even longer pause*****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"