Quotes and Jokes
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A4K
Brigadier General
Have a good weekend guys - I'm outta here 
- Thread starter
- #363
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Nice one V2..- Thread starter
- #365
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Aussie1001
Staff Sergeant
now thats not very nice.
Yeah... but it's still funny!
A4K
Brigadier General
Henk
Master Sergeant
I heard the one where Superman was sitting in the bar....
AVRoe
Airman 1st Class
Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her question about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her
new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about
her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why
she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go man go."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her question about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her
new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about
her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why
she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go man go."
- Thread starter
- #373
A guy has just settle down to read his Sunday paper and enjoy a cup of tea when 'BANG!' his missus whacks him over the head with a frying pan!
"What the hell was that for?" he asks rubbing his aching nut.
"For this bit of paper here I found in your trouser pocket with 'Don't forget: Saturday, 4:30, Lovely Marie.' written on it!" she says, seething.
"Oh darling," he says, "Lovely Marie is a horse I backed last weekend - I got a tip on Tuesday and wrote that down so I wouldn't forget! It ran at 4:30 on the Saturday."
His wife is mortified at what she has done and apologises. For the rest of the week she can't do enough for him.
Next Sunday he is again settling to read his paper after a long stroll, when "BANG!" his wife whacks him over the head with the soup pot.
"What the hell was THAT for?" he yells.
She stood there glaring down at him.
"Your horse phoned!"
"What the hell was that for?" he asks rubbing his aching nut.
"For this bit of paper here I found in your trouser pocket with 'Don't forget: Saturday, 4:30, Lovely Marie.' written on it!" she says, seething.
"Oh darling," he says, "Lovely Marie is a horse I backed last weekend - I got a tip on Tuesday and wrote that down so I wouldn't forget! It ran at 4:30 on the Saturday."
His wife is mortified at what she has done and apologises. For the rest of the week she can't do enough for him.
Next Sunday he is again settling to read his paper after a long stroll, when "BANG!" his wife whacks him over the head with the soup pot.
"What the hell was THAT for?" he yells.
She stood there glaring down at him.
"Your horse phoned!"
A4K
Brigadier General
A4K
Brigadier General
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are working together for an American company building skyscrapers. Being the only foreigners, they end up as good mates, and spend their lunchtimes together out on the ledge.
One day they're having a yarn, when the Englishman opens his lunchbox. "I don't believe this.." he says," Do you guys know that I've been 30 years in this job, and everyday - every SINGLE day - the wife gives me bacon sandwiches. I'm sick to death of them! If I get bacon bloody sandwiches just one more time, I swear I'll throw myself off the bloody building!!"
The Scotsman opens his lunchbox, and says "Ay! Ah know what ya mean! I've only got bloody ham sandwiches again, harven't Ah ? Ah tell ya, if Ah get them again tomorra, I'll thrrow meself off too!"
The Irishman opens his lunchbox, and says, "Well Oi've got bloody tomato sandwiches again! Oi'm with you lads, if Oi get these feckers again tomorrow, I'm off of here with ya's!"
The next day, the lunch whistle goes, and they make their way to the ledge.
The Englishman opens his lunchbox, and closes it again in disgust. "Bacon bloody sandwiches.." is all he says, and steps off the ledge. The Scotsman opens his, turns miserably to the Irishman, says "Bloody hahm sandwiches..." and does likewise. The Irishman slowly opens his lunchbox - tomato sandwiches. He too steps off the ledge.
The story gets around about what happened, and a week later the 3 widows are crying amongst themselves. The Englishman's wife says "If only he'd told me he didn't like bacon sandwiches, I'd never have made them for him!". The Scotsman's wife says, "Ay, and if Jock hada said he did'nae like ham sandwiches, there's no way Ah'd a given them to him!"
The Irishman's wife looks in a state of deep shock, and so they ask her kindly if she's alright. "I..I don't understand it.." she says " Paddy's been making his own lunch for years now..!"
One day they're having a yarn, when the Englishman opens his lunchbox. "I don't believe this.." he says," Do you guys know that I've been 30 years in this job, and everyday - every SINGLE day - the wife gives me bacon sandwiches. I'm sick to death of them! If I get bacon bloody sandwiches just one more time, I swear I'll throw myself off the bloody building!!"
The Scotsman opens his lunchbox, and says "Ay! Ah know what ya mean! I've only got bloody ham sandwiches again, harven't Ah ? Ah tell ya, if Ah get them again tomorra, I'll thrrow meself off too!"
The Irishman opens his lunchbox, and says, "Well Oi've got bloody tomato sandwiches again! Oi'm with you lads, if Oi get these feckers again tomorrow, I'm off of here with ya's!"
The next day, the lunch whistle goes, and they make their way to the ledge.
The Englishman opens his lunchbox, and closes it again in disgust. "Bacon bloody sandwiches.." is all he says, and steps off the ledge. The Scotsman opens his, turns miserably to the Irishman, says "Bloody hahm sandwiches..." and does likewise. The Irishman slowly opens his lunchbox - tomato sandwiches. He too steps off the ledge.
The story gets around about what happened, and a week later the 3 widows are crying amongst themselves. The Englishman's wife says "If only he'd told me he didn't like bacon sandwiches, I'd never have made them for him!". The Scotsman's wife says, "Ay, and if Jock hada said he did'nae like ham sandwiches, there's no way Ah'd a given them to him!"
The Irishman's wife looks in a state of deep shock, and so they ask her kindly if she's alright. "I..I don't understand it.." she says " Paddy's been making his own lunch for years now..!"
yeah.... new it was coming..
A4K
Brigadier General
