Quotes and Jokes

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ..
during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide
her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. ...But I do have one more
question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

.....'Should I tell her the war is over?'
 
GREAT stuff Comiso!

"I haven't Shenaniganed in about six years . . . I've hooliganed, I've no-good nicked, I've ne'er done well, just yesterday I caught myself rabble-Rousing"
 
great stuff...

The Haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours.

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours". The guy left.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour and half". The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill replied: "Your house."
 
Dear Walter :

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps -

Walter
 
Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."
 
A 60 year old man applied for membership in a nudist beach resort. The time in his life had come when he thought it would be interesting to experiment new things.

On his first day at the resort, he went to the beach and took off his swimwear. Five minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde came along, and the man experienced an erection.

The blonde noticed it, and said to him: "Did you call me, Sir?".

The man responded: "Me? No. Why do you ask?"

"Sir, you surely are new here. We have this rule that if you experience an erection means you are calling for me, that you desire me".

The woman did not let him say anything else, lied on the sand, and let the man possess her in all conceivable ways.

The man was delighted, what a formidable place.

After being with the blonde, the man decided to go to the sauna. After a few minutes in there, he farted, kind of loud.

A real big furry guy -with a strong erection- came forward and said: "Did you call me, Sir?"

"Me? No! Why do you ask?"

"You surely are new here. We have this rule that if you fart you are calling for me, that you desire me."

The big guy did not let him say anything else and possessed him in every conceivable manner.

Very upset, the old man went to the Customer Service desk in the lobby.

"May i help you, Sir?" said a cute -completely naked- brunette.

"Yes, have this...my membership card, my keys and keep the $1000 fare, im outta here!".

"But...Sir...you´ve been here for only 5 hours?"

"Look honey, im a 60 year old man, being optimistic i have an erection once a month, and fart no less than 15 times a day!".
 
Two married ladies went out clubbing. When driving back to their homes late in the night, after some real heavy drinking, both ladies felt like taking a pee.

The situation was of such urgency they pulled over, and saw a graveyard.

After peeing, one the ladies wiped herself with her panties, throwing the panties away.

The other lady -badly drunk- used a funeral spray on a grave to wipe herself after peeing.

The next morning the husbands of both ladies were having breakfast in some restaurant.

One of them said: "Hey, i am somewhat worried here, it seems like the ladies had some "fun" last night...my wife came back home without her panties".

The other husband responded: "You worried?? Tell me about it!! When i woke up i saw my wife´s ass with a ribbon that says: WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU".
 
Three young rich spoiled married women where at a fancy coffee bar, sharing and talking about their sexual lives with their husbands.

One of them said:"When Robert makes love to me his testicles feel very hot".

Another one replied: "As i can tell that appears to be the rule, William testicles too feel hot when we make love."

The third one said: "Really? I was not aware of it...haven´t noticed it with Richard´s testicles. But i´ll find out tonight".

The next morning when the 3 young rich spoiled married women gathered again to make a meaningful and fruitful use of their priceless time, Richard´s wife was wearing sunglasses inside the fancy coffee shop, she took them off and her friends realized her left eye had been brutalized. The bruise was beyond any description.

The other two yelled: "Oh my God!!!!! Did Richard beat you????? We are going to the cops!! Let´s get a restraining order!!! Why did he do that???"

And Richard´s woman responded: "Yes, it was Richard..." (SOBBING)

"BUT WHY????" the other two said.

"Well, last night when we were making love, i wanted to find out if his balls would feel hot, so i touched them and said to him: "Wow...your balls feel very hot, like Robert´s and William´s."
 
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