wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
LMAO
Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)
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Excellent k9kiwi
B-17engineer
Colonel
Good one Wurger..
You know, as someone who LIVES in said state, I can attest that is ABSOLUTLY TRUE!!!
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Talikitty on a mission lol
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Good one nj
Excellent NJ
From a soldier diary:
The first day at exercise area - my platoon participated in exercises with USMC troops ,it was a good day.
The second day - going to the exercise area my platoon met a beautiful girl.Oh these blondies.... it was a good day.
The third day - going to the exercise area my platoon met a USMC soldier who was going to a canteen, it was a good day.
The fourth day - going to the exercise area my platoon didn't meet anybody but my commander said I was going home for two days.I got a pass !!!!!
It was a good day.
The fifth day - going to a railway station I met the USMC platoon, it wasn't a good day.
The first day at exercise area - my platoon participated in exercises with USMC troops ,it was a good day.
The second day - going to the exercise area my platoon met a beautiful girl.Oh these blondies.... it was a good day.
The third day - going to the exercise area my platoon met a USMC soldier who was going to a canteen, it was a good day.
The fourth day - going to the exercise area my platoon didn't meet anybody but my commander said I was going home for two days.I got a pass !!!!!
It was a good day.
The fifth day - going to a railway station I met the USMC platoon, it wasn't a good day.
Negative Creep
Staff Sergeant
A Vampire Bat flies back to his roost, covered in blood.
'What on earth happened to you?' asked his friend
'Well,' he said 'you see that village over there?'
'Yeah....'
'See that large building?'
'Yeah...'
'Well I didn't'
'What on earth happened to you?' asked his friend
'Well,' he said 'you see that village over there?'
'Yeah....'
'See that large building?'
'Yeah...'
'Well I didn't'
I got another one...
Irish Burial At Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring
gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their
promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is
fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing
in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is
only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No
dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and
disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."
Irish Burial At Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring
gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their
promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is
fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing
in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is
only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No
dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and
disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
LMAO
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
Father, he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
"Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'
Father, he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
"Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'
Matt308
Glock Perfection
> A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a
> fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed
> that the Maitre D' was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there
> is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with
> you until a table is ready, If you please."
>
> Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
>
> The robot clicked a couple more times and then
> asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
>
> The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of
> relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest
> medical breakthroughs, etc.
>
> The man was most impressed. The next day he
> returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
>
> The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This
> time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
>
> So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the
> latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red
> Sox to do this weekend.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day
> he returned.
>
> Again the robot asked the question, "What is your
> IQ?"
>
> This time the man drawled out, " Uh...'bout 50."
>
> The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly
> asked,
>
> "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o
> n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
> fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed
> that the Maitre D' was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there
> is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with
> you until a table is ready, If you please."
>
> Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
>
> The robot clicked a couple more times and then
> asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
>
> The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of
> relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest
> medical breakthroughs, etc.
>
> The man was most impressed. The next day he
> returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
>
> The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This
> time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
>
> So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the
> latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red
> Sox to do this weekend.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day
> he returned.
>
> Again the robot asked the question, "What is your
> IQ?"
>
> This time the man drawled out, " Uh...'bout 50."
>
> The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly
> asked,
>
> "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o
> n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
good one matt
