Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[Matt308]

Aisle Seat.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine
sat down in the aisle seat.After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes
off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window
seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
you'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

Whi le he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. 'Why does it have to be this way?'
he asked the two Arabs. 'How long must this go on? This fighting between
our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?'


THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

 

[wilbur1]

 

[Wayne Little]

TopStuff, Matt!

 

[DOUGRD]

Oldie but a goodie!!!
Nj-p2

 

[Heinz]

 

[Konigstiger205]

Good one Matt

 

[A4K]

Nice one, Matt! Billy Connolly used that many years ago (rival football supporters being the main characters), good to hear it again!

 

[v2]

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

 

[Matt308]

didn't see that one coming.

 

[Aussie1001]

Very good one V2

heres one my maths b teacher told us....
it isn't real good but what the heck.

Cinderella is now ninety five years old and lately she has been down on her luck, recently her prince died and all their money has been lost through princes gambelling and smoking, all she has left is an old worn out cottage a rocking chair and a cat. One day whilst rocking on her chair her fairy godmother appears and they start to chat about days past, presently the godmother tells her she can have three more wishes.
her wishes were
1) To have all here money back
2) To look young and beautiful again
and finally to have her cat transformed into the most handsome prince in the world.
anyway after her wishes have been granted and the fairy godmother dissapears her prince comes up to her and wispers in her ear "i bet you wished you hadn't go me desexed now"

 

[Wayne Little]

didn't see that one coming.

Me too but great just the same.....I wonder if there is any truth in it....????

Gee..bad luck about the cat...

 

[Negative Creep]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old CPO insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"


"The Falklands." The old Chief calmly replied

 

[Wurger]

 

[Aussie1001]

 

[ccheese]

> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
> Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
>
> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>
> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
>
> The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
>
> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>
> The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Charles

 

[ccheese]

> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
>
> Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for your dog."
>
> Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
>
> Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Charles

 

[ccheese]

> An elderly man walks into a confessional.
> The following conversation ensues:
>
> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
> girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
>
> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>
> Man: "What sins?"
>
> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>
> Man: "I'm Jewish."
>
> Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>
> Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

Charles

 

[ccheese]

That should hold you guys for awhile.. Hope no one is offended...

Charles

 

[Wurger]

Charles these jokes are funny.I like them.

 

[k9kiwi]

Black humour from the Fire side.

Person fell asleep on road and acts as speed bump for 4x4 (not a good idea by the way).

We are doing road control, I had been up closer to the victim and had now moved back.

One of the guys said "Did you recognise him?"

My reply. "yeah, someones flat mate."