Quotes and Jokes
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Yeah those trailers.....
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- #543
You May Be A Taliban If.......
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a religious objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
5. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
7. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
8. You've ever uttered the phrase,"I love what you've done with your cave."
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a religious objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
5. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
7. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
8. You've ever uttered the phrase,"I love what you've done with your cave."
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Hehehehe... I love the redneck pics. They never get old.
Excellent...
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- #547
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Ive heard that before pland wonder if its true or not
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Heinz
Captain
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
I rear-ended a car this morning!
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . And that's when the fight started . .
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . And that's when the fight started . .
Cool NJ!Do you know the difference between "Guts" and "Balls"
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the blokes, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the blokes, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say, "Your next!"
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
LMAO
Velius
Airman 1st Class
These are all GREAT!! I only read two or three pages of this thread but I need to come back to read them all! Kudos to everyone! 8)
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- #559
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Konigstiger205
Staff Sergeant
