Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

The Chili judge
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Jersey from Texas :

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jersey , to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Jerseyians ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Jersey people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

F*** those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balanceof spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation

Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in acan of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a f***ing grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is coveredwith chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, " He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 . He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. ..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Nj those last two are priceless!!

A man and a woman, both middle aged, get married. It's the first time for both. On the first night of their honeymoon the husband goes into the bedroom, rips off his clothes, jumps into bed and says"Baby let's F--k!" Upon hearing this the wife replies "If you want to have sex that's fine but no dirty talk. How about we use a signal that just we will understand like you would like to use my washing machine?" The husband says "OK Baby can I use your washing machine tonight?" To which his bride replies "Not tonight dear it's low on suds" The man rolls over and goes to sleep. The next night he jumps into bed and asks if he can use his wife's washing machine. She says "I'm sorry but it's in a rinse." The man rolls over and goes to sleep. The next night the husband climbs into bed, rolls over and starts to go to sleep. His wife taps him on the shoulder and asks "Don't you want to use my washing machine tonight?" To which the husband replies "Naw, it was a small load so I did it by hand."

I reckon he'll be doing it by hand for quite some time after that little comment

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Rep; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Tech Support; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but said he'd look in to it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer. He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Gynecologist and all he did was look at it.

"Husband #9 was a Psychiatrist, all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collecter; all he ever did was.....GOD I miss him!

"But now I've married you and I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?"

"Because you are with the GOVERNMENT!!!!....This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Ohh thats nasty man....But good

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

So true....

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100 percent ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 a.m."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 a.m.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that ."

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, "This taste funny to you?"

Yea...I know.

Njaco said:

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100 percent ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 a.m."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 a.m.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that ."

Click to expand...

Sounds like the people here in Africa.

Another quick one...

GOD IS GOOD.

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

Tough, that one was so bad I had to laugh.