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Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they do with the money.
The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her....
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they do with the money.
The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her....
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
Becca
Staff Sergeant
OK..guys. I'll apoligize UPFRONT for this...
ok..SO, I enjoy puns. ESPECIALLY the ones that make you grab your head..and pray for death..usually for the person that shared it..
SO..if you have gotten this far, and CHOOSE to go on..PLEASE don't throw things.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But WHY?" they asked,as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
and if THAT wasn't enough..
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
Yes, I promise..I am hurting TOO. BUT,I'd NEVER seen this one..AND I think developed a nervous twitch from reading it..its GOOD.
- These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so.
Thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
OK..I swear..only one more..enjoy!
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (wait for IT!)..... A
super, calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed-by halitosis.
*DUCKS*
ok..SO, I enjoy puns. ESPECIALLY the ones that make you grab your head..and pray for death..usually for the person that shared it..
SO..if you have gotten this far, and CHOOSE to go on..PLEASE don't throw things.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But WHY?" they asked,as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
and if THAT wasn't enough..
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
Yes, I promise..I am hurting TOO. BUT,I'd NEVER seen this one..AND I think developed a nervous twitch from reading it..its GOOD.
- These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so.
Thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
OK..I swear..only one more..enjoy!
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (wait for IT!)..... A
super, calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed-by halitosis.
*DUCKS*
DOUGRD
Staff Sergeant
Bravo Les'Bride!!!! Bravo!!!! 
Becca
Staff Sergeant
OK...don't encourage me. After 13 years of bartending, I have heard TOO many jokes. I programmed myself to just listen for the punchlines. I have a few top 10 lists that are pretty good, though. I'll have to find those to share. 
I have a few top 10 lists that are pretty good, though. I'll have to find those to share.
Becca
Staff Sergeant
Top 12 signs that your Sci-Fi Blockbuster is going to bomb.
12. "Starring Rosie O'Donnell as Spider-Woman!"
11. Even the Sci-Fi Channel refuses to air it.
10. Isaac Asimov personally returns from the dead just to bitchslap the director.
9. Maybe the world was ready for a new Star Trek flick, but "Weekend at Scotty's" ain't it.
8. The title, "Shovel Over Your Cash, You Easily Manipulable Geekboy Fans," might be a little too on the nose.
7. When the aliens land their spaceship and extend the olive branch of peace, the people of Earth accept it and the credits roll.
6. Let's just say the green stuff coming out of your Vulcan's pants ain't blood.
5. Thirty minutes into the film, even the bootleggers have left.
4. Does *anyone* really want to look at a bare-chested 87-year-old Ricardo Montalban?
3. Fanboys are so picky about the whole "laws of physics" stuff.
2. The premiere is attended by Joel Hodgson and three robot puppets.
and the Number 1 Signs Your Sci-Fi Blockbuster Is Going to Bomb...
Your PR team is looking sharp in their new red Starfleet uniforms.
12. "Starring Rosie O'Donnell as Spider-Woman!"
11. Even the Sci-Fi Channel refuses to air it.
10. Isaac Asimov personally returns from the dead just to bitchslap the director.
9. Maybe the world was ready for a new Star Trek flick, but "Weekend at Scotty's" ain't it.
8. The title, "Shovel Over Your Cash, You Easily Manipulable Geekboy Fans," might be a little too on the nose.
7. When the aliens land their spaceship and extend the olive branch of peace, the people of Earth accept it and the credits roll.
6. Let's just say the green stuff coming out of your Vulcan's pants ain't blood.
5. Thirty minutes into the film, even the bootleggers have left.
4. Does *anyone* really want to look at a bare-chested 87-year-old Ricardo Montalban?
3. Fanboys are so picky about the whole "laws of physics" stuff.
2. The premiere is attended by Joel Hodgson and three robot puppets.
and the Number 1 Signs Your Sci-Fi Blockbuster Is Going to Bomb...
Your PR team is looking sharp in their new red Starfleet uniforms.
Becca
Staff Sergeant
AND THEN....
Top 16 rejected McDonald's slogans..
16 - Tastes Just Like Real Food!
15 - We Love to See You Waddle
14 - Screw Jenny Craig
13 - We Are Legally Obliged to Tell You That Grimace Is a Convicted Sex Offender
12 - America, Your Weight Is Over!
11 - Same Crap, Same Prices -- Just Keep Buyin' It, Tubby
10 - Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, Britney's an Insatiable Screaming Nymphomaniac Who Barks Uncontrollably When She Gets It Doggy Style
9 - Open Wide, You Lemmings
8 - Wipe Your Chins, McLardbutt
7 - Go Ahead and Sue Us, Tubby -- Your Bad Eating Habits Put Seven of Ray Kroc's 19 Grandkids Through Law School at Harvard
6 - Spill a Coffee and WIN!
5 - Relax, PETA -- That Ain't Really Chicken
4 - Super-Sizing Americans Since 1954
3 - You Don't Want to Waste Away Like That Subway Guy, Do You?
2 - You Deserve a Wake Today
and the Number 1 Rejected McDonald's Slogan...
I'm Shovelin' It
Top 16 rejected McDonald's slogans..
16 - Tastes Just Like Real Food!
15 - We Love to See You Waddle
14 - Screw Jenny Craig
13 - We Are Legally Obliged to Tell You That Grimace Is a Convicted Sex Offender
12 - America, Your Weight Is Over!
11 - Same Crap, Same Prices -- Just Keep Buyin' It, Tubby
10 - Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, Britney's an Insatiable Screaming Nymphomaniac Who Barks Uncontrollably When She Gets It Doggy Style
9 - Open Wide, You Lemmings
8 - Wipe Your Chins, McLardbutt
7 - Go Ahead and Sue Us, Tubby -- Your Bad Eating Habits Put Seven of Ray Kroc's 19 Grandkids Through Law School at Harvard
6 - Spill a Coffee and WIN!
5 - Relax, PETA -- That Ain't Really Chicken
4 - Super-Sizing Americans Since 1954
3 - You Don't Want to Waste Away Like That Subway Guy, Do You?
2 - You Deserve a Wake Today
and the Number 1 Rejected McDonald's Slogan...
I'm Shovelin' It
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
I like limericks.....
There once was a lady named Lou
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Reverened is quicker
And slicker and thicker
And has two more inches than you" !
Charles
There once was a lady named Lou
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Reverened is quicker
And slicker and thicker
And has two more inches than you" !
Charles
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
Here's another...
A lively young damsel named Mingis
Inquired: "Do you know what this thing is?"
Her aunt, with a gasp,
Replied: "It's a wasp,
And you're holding the end where the sting is."
Charles
A lively young damsel named Mingis
Inquired: "Do you know what this thing is?"
Her aunt, with a gasp,
Replied: "It's a wasp,
And you're holding the end where the sting is."
Charles
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
As I said, I like limericks...
There once was a lady named Clare
Who was making love on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke
And they both went off in mid-air !
Charles
There once was a lady named Clare
Who was making love on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke
And they both went off in mid-air !
Charles
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
Here's one for you Charles...
A sexy young maiden named Jill
tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil
TO
A sexy young maiden named Jill
tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil
TO
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
That's good, TO. Here's one for you...
There once was a lady named Clare
Who was making love on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke
And they both went off in mid-air !
Charles
There once was a lady named Clare
Who was making love on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke
And they both went off in mid-air !
Charles
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
For the old Navy man Charles...
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "****! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!
"You're in the wrong place!
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"
(didn't mean to say "old")
TO
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "****! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!
"You're in the wrong place!
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"
(didn't mean to say "old")
TO
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
Good one, TO. Here's my absolute favorite....
On s'étonne ici que Caliste
Ait pris l'habit de Moliniste
Puisque cette jeune beauté
Ote à chacun sa liberté
N'est-ce pas une Janseniste
Charles
On s'étonne ici que Caliste
Ait pris l'habit de Moliniste
Puisque cette jeune beauté
Ote à chacun sa liberté
N'est-ce pas une Janseniste
Charles
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
Foreign language was my only weakness in school. Failed three of 'em at RU.
TO
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
For you, TO..... translation:
What a surprise that Caliste
Should dress up as a Molinist,
For her beauty still
Takes away our free will:
Doesn't that make her a Jansenist?
You went to Rutgers?
Charles
What a surprise that Caliste
Should dress up as a Molinist,
For her beauty still
Takes away our free will:
Doesn't that make her a Jansenist?
You went to Rutgers?
Charles
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
ccheese
Member In Perpetuity
TO: I'm impressed. Here's another (old navy)
The cabin boy's name was "Clipper"
As a lad he was always so chipper
He surounded his ass
With broken glass
And circumsized the skipper
Charles
The cabin boy's name was "Clipper"
As a lad he was always so chipper
He surounded his ass
With broken glass
And circumsized the skipper
Charles
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."
(You're going to love this.....)
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."
(You're going to love this.....)
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
