Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

Where To Live After Retirement

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to?
Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: sa l t, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where..
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where..
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your na me .
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Wh ere's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. And a superb plastic surgeon.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.

Look at the attached pic. Its self explanatory.

The Things men say, and what they really mean


"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Like the Santa one.....
And the one that V2 posted pretty funny guys keep it up....

Good one V2....

The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army

Not sure if this has been posted but all former officers and NCO
need to check out his list...If you are in the military now
it is up to you, but be warned some of his ideas could lose
a stripe or two

"Kentucky Vasectomy"

A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision do this.

Why after nine children, the husband replied, they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Flyboy Goes to Heaven

An air force officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

What is the difference between a blue collar worker and a white collar worker? A blue collar worker washes his hands before he takes a leak and a white collar worker washes his hands after he takes a leak.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!

A horse goes into a bar, steps up and orders a drink.

Bartender looks at him and says, "So why the long face?"

AAAHHHH!!!!

TO

A guy from Phoenix received a call from his friends who were in Las Vegas; they told him to join them in for a wild weekend; being in fear of planes, he decided to drive all the way to Vegas in his 1969 Vokswagen Classic Beetle, which was not very reliable, but he´d take it anytime over a plane, so instead of a 45 minute flight he opted for a 3 hour drive taking Interstate 17.

Being far enough from Phoenix, the engine of his VW commenced hesitating, making weird noises and after a few minutes what he had was a broken-down engine.

His cellphone had no signal, so what he did was to sit outside his VW by the side of the dusty road waiting for potential help to pass by.

After some minutes, he heard a powerful noise increasing its pitch in the distance...it was a McLaren F1 approaching the spot where he laid, at 210 mph.

The McLaren roared leaving a huge cloud of dust, but he saw the car suddenly stopping, the driver put it into reverse and stopped right by the side of the dead VW:

McLaren guy: "What´s up buddy?"
VW Guy: "Hmmm...watching the pretty desert...in a dead car"
ML: "Is any help coming?"
VW: "Not really...i got a cellphone with no signal.."
ML: "Where you going?"
VW: "VEgas..."
ML: "Driving that???"
VW: (Silence)
ML: "Look i am in the middle of a wild race across the dessert...against a Bugatti Veyron...i left him behind...so i think i can help you, let me tow you.."
VW: "Tow me? hmmm...ok".

The VW guy found a chain inside the trunk of his car, and used it to have the car towed away...

VW: "Look, my car can´t go that fast, so please go easy...and if there is any trouble i will signal you using the lights...that would mean we have to either slow down or stop ok?"
ML: "Ok, let´s go, hurry up!" -as he nervously watched through the rear view mirror-

Now the VW was back on the road, being towed by a McLaren F1...everything seemed to be going just fine, when the 1969 Classic Beetle guy commenced hearing another infernal type of sound increasing its pitch from the distance-like a Stuka screaming on its infernal dive he thought-...watching through his rear view mirror he saw a huge cloud of dust...the Bugatti Veyron catching up, approaching at an estimate of 230 Mph...

His nightmare came true..for also the guy towing him, noticed the Bugatti closing in fast at superb speed...the McLaren F1 guy stepped on the gas pedal...off they went...

For one moment the Bugatti passed them, but after a few seconds the McLaren was right by the side of his enemy.

The VW guy was in total terror on board his old machine, clenching his teeth, dust clogging his nosetrils, his hair flying wildly and making furious signals with the lights of his poor car that seemed to be on the verge of physical disintegration...to no avail...

Then at some point, a highway patrol officer was smoking a cigarette, with his car by the side of the road, he saw all three cars passing by lifting a huge cloud of dust, putting his cigarette away and also his Dunkin donut, his message to his station:

"Here highway patrol 2-2-3...i am pursuing two luxury cars, possibly a McLaren F1 and another powerful car both exceeding 230 mph and...i swear...i swear to God and Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary...that an old VW Classic Beetle is right behind them signaling them with its lights to get out of the way!!!"

Good one Udet...

the first bullet proof vest was made by a priest

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"

Good one V2!

good one, my oath.....