Quotes and Jokes

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BEST LAST KISS

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
This one is neither a quote or a joke but a good example of a person who genuinely meets the requirements for earning a Darwin award in that he improved the gene pool by removing himself from it

Boston man tries to ‘fill scuba tank with weed smoke’; loses testicles

A 27-year old Boston local has suffered extensive injuries to his lower body after an unconventional attempt to ‘fill a scuba
www.bostonleader.com
 
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Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:

"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of America, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Raymond Dicks and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Dicks, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw the Corporal and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find him, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 33 men – actually 32 of us without Dicks.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
 

On the other hand, he can finally join the parish choir as a soprano.
 
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