Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 
Good one, V2 and OUCH! @ Kiwi.

Charles,

There was a couple named Kelly,
they walked around belly to belly,
the reason was they used Super Glue,
instead of petroleum jelly.
 
Just for you, TO....

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber eating a snack cake,
while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to
her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your
Twinkie". She says, "Yea, and I'm gonna get boobs,
too".

Charles
 
Les'Bride said:
Charles,

There was a couple named Kelly,
they walked around belly to belly,
the reason was they used Super Glue,
instead of petroleum jelly.
Click to expand...

My dear madam: A limerick is always composed of five lines.
Lines one, two and five must rhyme
Lines three and four rhyme, also.

Thus:

The lim'rick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones, so seldom, are comical.

And, if I may re-write yours....

There was a young couple named Kelly,
who walked around belly to belly,
the reason, sad but true
was they used Super Glue,
instead of petroleum jelly.

I write these things all the time...

Charles
 
Charles,

That was one my dad used to say when I was a kid..

how 'bout...the reason was;
they used Super Glue,
instead of petroleum jelly..?

I'm better at being punny.
 
During world war two, two german spy's managed to get to England unnoticed.
After a day or two they decide to enter a pub and try to socialize.

germans: "Hi there, we'll have two martini's please"
bartender: "dry?"
germans:"NEIN ZWEI!!"
 
Good one V2....

A powerful earthquake with the strength reading of 8.1 on
the Richter scale hits Mexico...

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are
injured.

The country is totally in ruins and the government doesn't
know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest
of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control
the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million Mexicans to replace those who died !!!

God bless America !!

Charles
 
An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was
in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun."

"As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and
went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell
over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
 
Twoeagles

A husband was a fanatic of hunting and every Saturday's early morning leaved home for his hobby.His wife stayed in a bed sleeping.In that day the weather conditions were very poor.Dark,misty and rainy morning was not anything encouraging.Standing in front of a block of flats where he lived ,the enthusiast decided to come back home.Very quietly opened his flat door and put away a gun.Then, he undressed and softly went to bed next to his wife who was upturned with her back on him.
It's you? - asked suddenly the wife.
yhm.... - answered the guy.
Cold? - the next wife's question.
yhm....
Wet? -
yhm....

Look,and this idiot has gone for hunting - said the wife.
 
Good One, Wurger...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time
to go walking with your partner.

The room got very quiet. Finally a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher,

"Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Charles
 
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
"Oh well...That's me before the operation........"
 
Top 16 signs that your wedding day isn't going SO well..



16 - Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15 - During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14 - Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13 - The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12 - Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.

11 - The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.

10 - Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a more contemporary "flash-mob reception."

9 - Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.

8 - As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.

7 - Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6 - Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "Beastiality Illustrated."

5 - You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancée approaches it.

4 - Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3 - "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"

2 - One hour before the big "I do," you realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well...

You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.
 
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and
the aroma of perfumed candles filled the room. "What are you doing?"
she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But ... you're naked!"
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,
lit her best candles and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Your love dress needs ironing," he said.
"What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.........

Charles
 


One man had got a date with a beautiful woman.After that she let him to invite herself to his home.Standing at the flat door a man took out keys from a pocket.
" Now we will see what a kind of a lover you are " said the woman.
And then,
" I always recoginize this with the way how the key is pushed into a keyhole.When it is direct and fast it means a man is a brutal person but when it is a clumcy moving it means there is a slouch."
Having a key in his hand a man was standing with no moving.
"So?" asked a woman.
" I don't know what I have to do" whispered the guy,
" I always lick a keyhole firstly."
 
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