# Some aviation humour



## R988 (Jun 8, 2006)

Just going through the archives and found these, I know they are old and probably been posted before, but still quite funny 

Basic Birdman Wisdom 

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. If you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore inherently unsafe.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

Never trade luck for skill.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is provocation.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 

When a flight is going extremely well, something was forgotten.

Human kind has a perfect record in aviation. No one has ever been left up there.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 

Remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

Weather forecast are horoscopes with numbers.

Never run out of altitude, airspeed and ideas all at the same time. 

It is not a good idea to eject over an area you have just bombed.

Three things an aviator can't use: 1) Altitude above you. 2) Runway behind you. 3) Fuel you can't use. 

Equipment problems that go away by themselves will come back by themselves.

Five famous last expressions in aviation: 1) What was that? 2) Why is it dong that? 3) Where are we? 4) Watch this! 5) Oooooh Sh**!

If no liquids (such as fuel, oil, grease or hydraulic fluid) are leaking out of an aircraft, it's safe to say there are none within. 

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are required to successfully complete a flight.

Northrop's Law of Aeronautical Engineering - When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the airplane, the airplane will fly.

If you have to fly "Hanger Queen" during squadron fly off keep one hand on ejection seat handle during cat shot. 

The most hazardous evolution in naval aviation is the end of deployment fly-off. 

Flaring is like squatting to pee. 

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

Black Shoe Axiom: There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

When all else fails in the cockpit, do an In Flight Mechanical Adjustment (aka IFMA). Specifically, use your flight boot of choice and kick the living daylights out of the offending electronic/mechanical device. 

Similarities between air traffic controllers (ATC) and pilots: If a pilot screws up he dies. If ATC screws up the pilot dies. 

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your problem to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

Three great things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. 

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you. 

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. 

When a crash seems inevitable endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. 

If an airplane is still in one piece don't cheat on it, ride the ******* down. 

Though I fly through the valley of death I shall fear no evil for I am at 80,000 feet and climbing. (Sign at entrance to SR-71 area Kadena AFB Okinawa)

As a test pilot climbs out of an experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Attributed to SR-71 test pilot Paul Crickmore)

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign at Davis-Monthan AFB Arizona.)

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV. (Attributed to a DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass cockpit" of an A-320.)

Altitude is energy, energy is speed, speed is life, life is good! 

It takes a college degree to break 'em and a high school diploma to fix 'em.

Shanker's Rules 
1. Speed is life.
2. Train like you plan to fight.
3. If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid.
4. When all else fails, select guns.
5. Know the opposition
6. When things go wrong, get aggressive.
7. Always know when to get out of Dodge.
8. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
9. Honor the threat

Helicopters don't fly. They are so ugly that the earth actually repels them. 

Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission. 

There are old fighter pilots, and there are bold fighter pilots, but there are no old and bold fighter pilots! 

You start with an empty bag of skill and a full bag of luck. The trick is to fill the bag of skill before the luck runs out. 

Remember the 7 "P's": Perfect Planning and Practice Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

The plane is the dog and the pilot is the owner. The planes job is to bite the owner if he touches anything. 

Fighter bubba's nick name for Hornet pilots - FAG's - Fighter Attack Guys. 

There are times in life when you should ask questions. There are times in life when you shouldn't. When you see the EOD tech RUNNING up the flight deck, the latter ruler applies. 

The three worst things to find on your tail: a sidewinder, a state trooper, or a mean dog; depends on what you're driving. 

There is only one purpose for naval aviation - ordnance on target. All else is secondary. A naval aviator is only a courier service for the ordnanceman. 

Electric fusing only works if the aircrew turns it on. 

An explosion is defined as a loud noise accompanied by the rapid disassembly of the weapon. 

It's always better to be down here, wishing you were up there, than to be up there, wishing you were down here. 

Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.


The following maintenance work orders were submitted by pilots.
The replies are from aircraft maintenance crews.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test Flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Solution: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Propeller #2 seeping prop fluid.
Solution: Propeller #2 seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: It does now!

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in off mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Engine #3 missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious!

Problem: Target Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2006)

Some good ones there R988


----------



## sunny91 (Jun 11, 2006)

Good post R988.

sunny


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jun 13, 2006)

mast've been posted before but they still crack me up


----------



## Salim (Jun 15, 2006)

These are hilarious!  But I have one question.



> There is only one purpose for naval aviation - ordnance on target. All else is secondary. A naval aviator is only a courier service for the ordnanceman.



Does this mean that ground attack is the sole purpose of naval flyers? Don't they take part in air-to-air combat, too?


----------



## FLYBOYJ (Jun 15, 2006)

Salim said:


> These are hilarious!  But I have one question.
> 
> 
> 
> Does this mean that ground attack is the sole purpose of naval flyers? Don't they take part in air-to-air combat, too?



"Fighter pilots make movies, bomber pilots make history!!!"


----------



## Salim (Jun 16, 2006)

> "Fighter pilots make movies, bomber pilots make history!!!"



I've known that for years, but that doesn't change the fact that Navy aviators do fight other aircraft. While the biggest amount of naval shoot-downs occured in World War 2, the Navy did do a good deal of fighting in Korea (but only had one ace) and in Vietnam (again, only producing one ace... but that's OK, since the USAF only had one ace, too!).

And remember that air attacks on ships could get very ugly without friendly air support as well.


----------

