# Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!



## Pisis (Apr 6, 2006)

Here we go along...

Believe it or not, this is my tomcat _Blackbrown_...


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## Nonskimmer (Apr 6, 2006)

He looks possessed.


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## Pisis (Apr 6, 2006)

Here is a link of some very interesting/funny pictures: http://fishki.net/comment.php?id=8341


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## elmilitaro (Apr 6, 2006)

Nice.


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## Pisis (Apr 6, 2006)

No Che! I'd like to wear this T-Shirt.


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## elmilitaro (Apr 6, 2006)

i don't get it.


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## Pisis (Apr 6, 2006)

Well it is popular that (mostly young) idiots like to wear t-shirts with this motherf****r and mass murder, just in case of "revolty"... Although they even don't know who he was. I very dislike these dumb people. We have the same here that a lot of people wear the palestinian scarves...


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## marconi (Apr 6, 2006)

Time to study Russian:

http://monk.com.ua/article.php?story=20060405184200170

The story about English engineer Brown kills!


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## Pisis (Apr 6, 2006)

LOL, is that before '91? I don't think so but I remember that as a kid I had a very similar book of English (also typewrited and with shuitty drawings)...


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 6, 2006)




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## Pisis (Apr 7, 2006)

Very old but still funny photos...


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## Nonskimmer (Apr 7, 2006)

Cute.


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 7, 2006)

yeah... cute


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## Pisis (Apr 7, 2006)

And sopme doggies...


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## elmilitaro (Apr 7, 2006)

Nice


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## Henk (Apr 7, 2006)

Cute. I would leave the T-shirts and wear the girls. lol lol lol.

Henk


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## Pisis (Apr 8, 2006)

*Pisis in TV Show*

Now look. Here I finally downloaded a part of a funny TV show where I played a small role. The show was called Česká Soda (Czech Soda) and was a political satyra and a bunch of parodies. It was the most popular stuff here for some 10 years in a row, because it's really funny shit and 19 from those 20 minutes of its lenght you're ROFLing...

This one is parody on some insurance company ad that was frequent those days. The clip is from early 1999.


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## Pisis (Apr 10, 2006)

LOL! Look what have that stupid SMS-sender generated as safety code! ROFL!!!


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 10, 2006)

Haha


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 10, 2006)




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## v2 (Apr 11, 2006)

You know you living in 2006 when ...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9 " to get an outside line. 

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three 
different companies. 

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news or text 
message. 

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

12. Contractors / Temps outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 

.... and the real clinchers are... 

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends". 

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, 
except to send you jokes from the net. 

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9. 

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9. (Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 11, 2006)

no. 17 lol is correct


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## Pisis (Apr 11, 2006)

LOL that's one of the funnisest things I've seen in a long time! LOLOLOLOLOLOL


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 11, 2006)

Haha, the last few are all true


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## marconi (Apr 11, 2006)

I've seen it in 2005.


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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2006)

LOL!


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## Pisis (Apr 12, 2006)

Hey and still nobody seen my TV show?

------------------------------------------------


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## v2 (Apr 12, 2006)

Good one?


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## Pisis (Apr 12, 2006)

That one is a fake, definitely......


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 12, 2006)

funnyjunk is all fake pics


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## Glider (Apr 13, 2006)

Found this quote
Controller (zu einer C-130 Hercules der USAF): US 1234, there is helicopter traffic 5 miles ahead, reduce to 130kt. Captain: OK, we´re bringing this big bird back to 130kt for you ...
Controller: (bald darauf): US 1234, helicopter traffic now 2 miles ahead, reduce to 110kt.
Captain: OK, we´re bringing this big bird back to 110kt for you ...
Controller: (etwas nervös): US 1234, helicopter traffic is now 0.5 miles ahead of you, reduce to 90 kt.
Captain: Sir, do you know what the stall speed of a Hercules is ?
Controller: No Sir, but you may ask your Co-Pilot, perhaps he knows ...


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## Gnomey (Apr 13, 2006)




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## v2 (Apr 13, 2006)

High LOL !


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## v2 (Apr 14, 2006)

It's happened last night...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise! 

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. 

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! 

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. 

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."


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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2006)

lol!


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## Glider (Apr 14, 2006)

Brilliant, couldn't make it up


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## marconi (Apr 14, 2006)

http://cellar.org/iotd.php?threadid=10491


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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2006)

lol


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## v2 (Apr 14, 2006)

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20060424/comix


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## Henk (Apr 14, 2006)

v2 said:


> It's happened last night...
> 
> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
> 
> ...



    That is brilliant mate.

Henk


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## Pisis (Apr 15, 2006)

LOL that foam thingo is "cool"


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## pbfoot (Apr 17, 2006)

this is taken from a kids 5th grade essay
When I grow up I want to be a pilot because its a fun job and easy to do thats why there are so many pilots flying around today. pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments. I guess they should learn to read a road map too.
Pilots should be brave so they won't get scared if its foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off . Pilots should nave good eyes to see through clouds and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them then we are.
The salary pilots make is another thing I like . They make more money then they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous. except pilots don't because they know how easy it is .
I hope don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick I couldn't become pilot and would have to go to work.
This was pilots response 
Jeez kid you sure are smart for grade 5 . I had hardly begun to shave when I was in 5th grade and you can already write.
Most of the things you say need some clearing up
-pilots don't need to read numbers to check their instruments - we have flight engineers to do that 
- they don't need to read road maps thats why we have navigators
- we don't worry about the weather the met section tells us when not to fly and the ATC's help us if we forget
-wings and motors hardly ever fall off ( the technicians use lots of glue)
So you see air time is spent learning important things like remembering which end of the opener is for cans and which end is for bottles and where we parked our cars after TGIF
Your right about the money part but wrong about the easy stuff . Its awfully hard work remembering which button to push to avoid getting the electric shock and which switch to get the banana


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## Henk (Apr 17, 2006)

lol that is good. 

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 17, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2006)




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## Pisis (Apr 18, 2006)

hehe


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## elmilitaro (Apr 18, 2006)

Here's one:

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you b*tch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!" 



So?


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## Pisis (Apr 18, 2006)

LOL a good one.

Here is a sort of a 'joke' from one of my fellow Czech modeler.


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## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2006)

LOL Elmilitaro!


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## MichaelHenley (Apr 18, 2006)

That soap one was very funny! and the cukoo clock! great work guys!!


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## Henk (Apr 18, 2006)

LOL

Henk


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## MichaelHenley (Apr 18, 2006)

LOTR Fans will get this...

*MINAS TIRITH (Gondor News Network)* - Thousands of peace activists took to the streets of Minas Tirith and other cities of Middle Earth today to protest what they termed a rush to war with Mordor.

"We need more time for diplomacy," said a key member of the Middle-Earth Security Council, Saruman the White. "I am not convinced by the evidence presented by my esteemed colleague, Gandalf the Grey, or that the Dark Lord Sauron presents an imminent danger to the peoples of the West."

Many of the people protesting war in Mordor agreed with Saruman's remarks. "Sauron says he's destroyed his Rings of Mass Destruction (RMD) and that's good enough for me," said one fellow carrying a sign that said "Elrond is a Balrog." Another demonstrator urged, "Give the RMD inspectors more time. There's no reason to rush to any judgment just because Mount Doom is belching lava, the Dark Tower is rebuilt, and Osgiliath has been decimated." A third protester piped up, "I haven't heard a single bit of convincing evidence connecting the Nazgul with Sauron. I think they destroyed Osgiliath on their own initiative without any support from Sauron. Besides, it's understandable they're angry with Gondor. We haven't done nearly as much for the Orcs and Goblins and Easterlings as the Nazgul and Sauron have. It's understandable they throw their support to them. It's our own fault really."

As the protesters continued their march through the city, they chanted, "No blood for Mount Doom," voicing a common sentiment that the leaders of the Western peoples are really seeking to get their hands on the powerful Mount Doom, where the One Ring of Power was allegedly forged.

Gandalf the Grey was unavailable for comment. A spokesman said he was in an undisclosed underground location, which sources have revealed is codenamed "Moria."

from http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/mordorwarprotest.asp


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## elmilitaro (Apr 19, 2006)

here are some more....



The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. 

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. 

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. 

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." 

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." 

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." 







It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"





A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The ed stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."





The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." 

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" 

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. 

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"





A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" 

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" 

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"





You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" 

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. 

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. 

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"





So?


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 19, 2006)

LMFAO nice ones


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## MichaelHenley (Apr 21, 2006)

What really happened to the Kursk...

New information has come to light about the Kursk disaster. For those
with short attention spans, the Kursk was the Russian submarine that
blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The
Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified
object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at
first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these
claims. 

A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the Kursk
was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It
seems very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned. While
rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews
were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. A copy of
those tapes has recently come into the hands of NATO intelligence
officers, one of whom leaked it to the press..

It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft
Windows XP on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace
the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. 
Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability
problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully
obvious:

Transcript of Portions of the Kursk Log

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade? 
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the
registration card. 
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our
enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background] 
Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says 'Preparing to
run Windows for the first time'. [long pause] 
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th
time. 
Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause] 
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware . . .
. A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers. 
Captain: Where are the drivers? 
Seaman: On the CD-ROM. 
Captain: You are joking, no? 
Seaman: No Sir. 
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this
Windows. [another long pause] 
Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and
is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so. 
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long
pause] 
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again. 
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking
forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [another
long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything! 
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user
profiles? 
Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready. 
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and
let us see how this works. 
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause] 
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on
it? 
Seaman: I have no idea Sir. 
Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu. 
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a
Virus, Fire a Torpedo . . . . 
Captain: We will spam a friend later. L et us fire a torpedo. 
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause] 
Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready. 
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1! 
Intercom: This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir. 
Captain: Click on the continue button. 
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause] 
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir. 
Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior. 
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink. 
Captain: Click ignore. W e will get some ink when we return to base. 
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. We are ready to fire. 
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade. 
Seaman: Firing torpedo, Sir. [another really long pause] 
Captain: Well? 
Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute . . . .

[Loud explosion in the background]
Intercom: [Screaming]
Captain: What the fuck was that?!?!? 
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! It says, "Outlook
Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut
down. Click 'OK' to continue."
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do? 
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down! 
Seaman: It is not responding, Sir! 
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'! 
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. . . . Sir! We are in luck! The task manager is
still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook
Fire Control. [another long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says "Outlook Fire Control not responding." 
Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to "End Task". 
Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir. 
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again. 
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.] 
Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen! 
Captain: Holy [email protected]#%! Not the blue screen of death
[Loud explosion heard]

The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort,
divers reported hearing tapping in Morse Code coming from survivors
inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of
men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows Sucks!"
in Morse. The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some
insight into this.

hmm... only in Post-cold war Russia would they install windows on their subs!

(They should have gone with a mac instead...)


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 21, 2006)

very good


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 21, 2006)

sh*t rofl


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## Pisis (Apr 21, 2006)

Jesus....


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## Gnomey (Apr 21, 2006)

LOL!


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 21, 2006)

An American goes to a hotel in the Philippines.

(The American is chewing gum)

American: Do you Filipinos eat your whole bread?

Filipino: yeah why?

American: Cause we don't, we put the crust in a container and
send it to the Philippines

*The Filipino isn't very annoyed, then the American tells him more things like that

Filipino(pissed off): do u guys throw away your condoms after using them

American: of course! thats sick

Filipino: us we don't, after using it, we turn it into bubble gum then send
it to America!

*The american spits his gum out


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## Pisis (Apr 21, 2006)

You posted this once before...

_ A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."_


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 24, 2006)

no wonder such big pipe organs, and speakers


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## Pisis (Apr 24, 2006)

Jesus and God in heaven.
Door bell rings.
Jesus opens and sees Allah.
"Dad, did you order Shwoarma?"


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## v2 (Apr 24, 2006)

Engine indentification...


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## elmilitaro (Apr 24, 2006)

I have a joke....

Billy, Bob, and Joe had died and they were in heaven. St. Peter told them, “Everybody here in heaven is naked, so if you think any bad thoughts your wings will fall of. As you bend to pick them up you will fall into hell.” So, Billy was there and he saw a naked woman p***ed him and he had a bad thought and his wings fell off. As he bent over to pick up his wings, he fell down towards hell. Bob was really struggling not to think about anything bad, but as a pair of woman p***ed him, he had a bad thought and his wings fell off. As he bent over to pick up his wings, Joe’s wings fell off.



So?


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## Pisis (Apr 24, 2006)

Hmmm, quite funny, but honestly, don't have nothing better?


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## elmilitaro (Apr 26, 2006)

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade. 

The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me Death"? 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry 1775." 

"Very Good"! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? " 

Again, no response except for Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." he said. 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do". 

She heard a loud whisper. "Screw the Mexicans" "Who said that?" she demanded. 

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie. 1836." 

At that point, a student in the back said. "I'm gonna puke". 

The teacher glares, and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" 

Again, Martinez says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991" 

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this! " 

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!" 

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. if you say anything I'll kill you." 

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." 

The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in Big trouble!" 

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003" 


So?


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## marconi (Apr 26, 2006)

LOL.I'm going to send this to my friends.


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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 27, 2006)

omg lol me too


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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2006)

LOL


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## Pisis (Apr 27, 2006)

hehehe


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## elmilitaro (Apr 27, 2006)

Thanks.


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## Pisis (Apr 28, 2006)




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## loomaluftwaffe (Apr 28, 2006)

lol


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## MichaelHenley (Apr 28, 2006)

lol! I like the quotes one!


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## Pisis (Apr 29, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2006)




----------



## marconi (Apr 29, 2006)

lol, pisis.

A salesman is selling apples at the Kiev market:

- Apples from Chernobyl, apples from Chernobyl!
- Are you crazy, why are you saying they are from Chernobyl, no one will buy them!
- Of course they will! Some for their chief, some for mother-in-law!


----------



## Pisis (Apr 29, 2006)

You're kidding but a friend of mine was travelling to Moscow via Ukraine's Chernobyl area and he told me in that area native people were ocming onto train and offering GIANT crops, like strawberries of size of a human's head and others...


----------



## marconi (Apr 29, 2006)

He was joking too, Pisis.Such mutations are quite improbable. Besides, no one will deal with radioactive stuff like that.I've read an article which stated that the Pripyat is totally ransacked in the clean areas but is untouched where the radiation level is not safe.


----------



## MichaelHenley (Apr 30, 2006)

There was an article in this months national geographica about that, they said that researchers were investigating chernobyl because it was just like a big dirty bomb...
They are also going to make a new cover to replace the "sarcoughaus" that covered reactor 4. it will be the size of a stadium, an will be constucted 800m or so away from the site, then moved into place via rails to cover the structure entirely...

Its horrible that such a clean source of power can go horribly wrong.

(Interesting fact: If the US used non-powered methods of drying their clothes, then they wouldnt need their Nuclear Powerstations! 14% of the countries enregy is produced by nuclear powerstations, and 14% goes into clothesdrying... but thats discounting the fact that it gets mighty cold in some places.)


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (May 1, 2006)

it's late after work and a woman (well it would be wouldn't it  ) comes across a toll gate but looses control and hits one of the toll booths, she gets out a tries to stick the parts of the booth together with a white sticky substance, when a man who sees this comes over and asks what it is she's using...

she replies "Toll-gate booth paste"


----------



## cheddar cheese (May 1, 2006)

Losing control and hitting a toll booth?! Assuming this is on a motorway, you'd have to be a pretty lame driver to lose control whilst going in a pretty much straight line


----------



## elmilitaro (May 1, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (May 2, 2006)

cheddar cheese said:


> Losing control and hitting a toll booth?! Assuming this is on a motorway, you'd have to be a pretty lame driver to lose control whilst going in a pretty much straight line



hence i said it was a woman driving


----------



## marconi (May 5, 2006)

Checkpoint Charlie


----------



## Glider (May 5, 2006)

Beware the Woman

The CIA had a vacancy for an assassin and looked for suitable applicants. After many weeks and a number of tests there were three candidates left, two men and a woman.
The man in charge told them, theres nothing in it, any one of you could do the job but we can only chose one of you. We are a professional outfit and only take the best so we have come up with one final test.

They take the first man, give him a gun and tell him. this is the final test we only take the best so we want you to go into this room. Your wife is there on a chair and you must shoot her.
'No, no, you cannot ask me to do this.' Sorry' said the man in charge 'we are professional organisation and you must trust us. You have failed the test and can go'.

They take the second man, give him the gun and tell him. 'This is the final test, we are a professional team so we want you to go into this room where your wife is there on a chair, you must shoot her.
He took the gun and went slowly into the room. There was silence and he came out again. 'I'm sorry, I just couldn't do it.' 
'Never mind, we are professional organisation and you must trust us. You have failed the test and have to go'

They take the woman to the room, give her the gun and tell her. 'This is the final test we are a professional organisation who only take the best, so we want you to go into this room. Your husband is there on a chair and you must shoot him.
She takes the gun and walks slowly into the room. They hear a shot, quickly followed by five more. Then there are thuds, the sounds of fighting and bodies crashing against the door, cries and screams until finally the woman looking disheveled with cuts and bruises comes out of the room.

'Call yourselves Professionals' she shouted. 'The damned gun was filled with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair leg'.


----------



## Gnomey (May 5, 2006)

Heard it before but it is still a good one


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (May 6, 2006)

it was posted only a few pages back


----------



## v2 (May 7, 2006)

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running
late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just
testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?' 'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he
explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am
wearing panties!' The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'


----------



## Tiger (May 7, 2006)

Good one!


----------



## pbfoot (May 7, 2006)

A pilot was having a check ride in an c130 when the check pilot reached up and shut down #2 engine the pilot looked at the ICP reached up and shut down #3 engine looked back at the ICP and said its your turn again


----------



## v2 (May 7, 2006)

?


----------



## 102first_hussars (May 8, 2006)

This is a letter that my buddy got from his son, I couldnt stop laughing
it goes like this_____


Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people
in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to
come home.


----------



## Gnomey (May 8, 2006)




----------



## plan_D (May 8, 2006)

If that's true ... that kid is ****ing awesome. I only hope if I have kids they are like that.


----------



## cheddar cheese (May 8, 2006)

Thats genius...time to use that as a prank on my folks


----------



## elmilitaro (May 8, 2006)

Sweet.


----------



## Wildcat (May 9, 2006)

LMAO! that's great!


----------



## Pisis (May 9, 2006)

What did the dad do?


----------



## elmilitaro (May 9, 2006)

I bet you if I would have then that back in my young days my dad would have killed me and there wouldn't be any elmilitaro around here.


----------



## Pisis (May 9, 2006)

Yeah, probably so.


----------



## elmilitaro (May 9, 2006)

But some people would think of that as a blessing (for me not to be here.)


----------



## Pisis (May 9, 2006)

Well me personally I'm quite different from my dad. More relaxed. I'd probably laugh but my dad would probably be angry about me...


----------



## elmilitaro (May 9, 2006)

wait here's another joke.....


A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself." 

"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. 

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?" 

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"


----------



## Pisis (May 10, 2006)

That's a crazy ****...


----------



## v2 (May 10, 2006)

Sniper...


----------



## elmilitaro (May 10, 2006)

Nice.


----------



## 102first_hussars (May 11, 2006)

This isnt really a joke as is just plain funny, 

Me and my buudies were watching the hockey game one night, I decided to ask my friend marc, "So I hear your birthday is coming up pretty soon, what do you want?"

he says "I want something that will go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds flat"


Anyway I got him something better, Its something that will go from 0-230 in an instant-------------I got him a scale


----------



## elmilitaro (May 11, 2006)

Here's one....


Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they 
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is 
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at 
me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then 
says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a 
valentine to?" 

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in 
shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl 
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think 
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. 
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love 
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell 
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." 
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound 
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I 
know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines 
could blow the crap out of him." 



So?


----------



## elmilitaro (May 11, 2006)

Wait, another one....


One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home 
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. 
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer 
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the 
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday 
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the 
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, 
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." 

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we 
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. 
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." 

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane 
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with 
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he 
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of 
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on 
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". 
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any 
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking." 




George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink." 
Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have, what gives?" 

The angel says, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders" 




So?


----------



## v2 (May 12, 2006)

Last parade...


----------



## Pisis (May 13, 2006)

He's probably on Siberia now...


----------



## v2 (May 17, 2006)

American Hero....


----------



## Wurger (May 17, 2006)

Concerning to the first V2's pic I agree with Pisis.
Concerning to the second


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## Wurger (May 17, 2006)

Hi !!!
It's my first time here,be indulgent, please.

Extracts of diary of a young lady on a cruise across the ocean:

Monday: They introduced me to the captain of the ship.
Tuesday: The captain has been very kind to me.
Wednasday: The captain invited me for a walk on the deck.
Thursday: The captain invited me for supper in his cabin.
Friday: The captain threatened he would sink the boat, unless I gave myself to him.
Saturday: Phew! I saved six hundred passengers.


----------



## v2 (May 17, 2006)




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## Wurger (May 19, 2006)

The second time  

A higlander was sitting on the edge of a precipice on top of a mountain and kept saying - twenty four, twenty four, twenty four......
A tourist approached him and asked - What are you counting, flock-master? - 
Suddenly he tumbled over a stone on a narrow path and fell down into abyss.
Twenty five, twenty five, twenty five ..... continued the highlander.


----------



## marconi (May 19, 2006)

The Russian sentense means:

My cat has given birth to four kittens, two yellow colors, one white and one African-American


----------



## Wurger (May 19, 2006)

Vot shootneek.
He,he,he


----------



## v2 (May 22, 2006)

?


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## Wurger (May 23, 2006)

use your imagination !!!


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## Pisis (May 23, 2006)

OMG! 
The cat translator is classy, it always translates nonsenses...
BTW, my cat has given birth to four kittens as well, it's like three days ago.


----------



## Tiger (May 24, 2006)

A Cop is driving down the freeway when he suddenly hears a guy screaming for help. The policeman stops his car and walks towards the sound. Then behind some trees, the cop finds a guy, butt-naked, cuffed to a tree. The guy says: " Oh thank good you are here officer, a hitch-hiker stole my car, my money and all my clothes". Then the cop replies: "Well, apparently this is not your day", and pulls his zipper down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are driving to the top of a tall, winding mountain. The man, who is driving is extremely cautious and slow. His wife is getting impatient, so she makes a deal with him.

"For every mile you go faster, I will take off a piece of clothing!"

Agreeing to the offer, he begins to put the petal to the metal. In a minute, she is completely naked. The husband is too busy looking at his wife to stay concentrated on the road, so they drive off the edge of the mountain. The woman is thrown from the car virtually unharmed, while her husband is crushed under the car with only his leg sticking out.

The woman decides to place her husband's shoe over her ****** to cover herself while she flags down a car. As she approaches the edge of the road, a trucker sees her and stops.

The frantic woman yells, "Help me! Help me! My husband is stuck!"

The trucker then looks at the woman's shoe and replies, "Well... if he's in that far, I don't think I can help."


----------



## Gnomey (May 24, 2006)




----------



## Wildcat (May 25, 2006)

LMAO!


----------



## MichaelHenley (May 25, 2006)

ROFL!


----------



## Pisis (May 25, 2006)

ROFL!


----------



## Wurger (May 25, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (May 25, 2006)

i managed to see the last one coming but still very good.........


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## 102first_hussars (May 28, 2006)

This was a note that my buddy wrote to me, after I jokingly called him so and so, we had a few laughs.


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## Pisis (May 28, 2006)

Instant "Vodka Tabletnaia"


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## 102first_hussars (May 28, 2006)

I dont get it


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (May 29, 2006)

it looks like a vodka tablet, dissolve it in water and it makes it vodka.........


----------



## v2 (May 29, 2006)

For dog lovers....


----------



## 102first_hussars (May 29, 2006)

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, 
"Please prepare for a crash landing!" 
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. 
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned 
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." 
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. 
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"


----------



## v2 (May 30, 2006)

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him 
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room." 

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman. 

"I choose this room!" the man says. 

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. 

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."


----------



## Pisis (May 30, 2006)

ROFLFMAO!!!!!


----------



## Pisis (May 30, 2006)

how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3.
One to replace it, two to write a poem about how they miss the old one.
_________________________________

A rabbi, a priest, and an irishman go to heaven and find themselves before god. god goes to them and says to the rabbi "if you ever pick up another coin off the street, you're going to hell", to the priest "if you have one more impure thought, you're going to hell" and to the irishman "if youthinka bout having one more alchoholic drink, you're going to hell". he then them back to earth. the irishman thinks about beer shortly after, and goes straight to hell. the priest and the rabbi walk off together discussing the experience, and the rabbi spots a penny. he bends down to pick it up, and the priest goes to hell.


----------



## Pisis (May 30, 2006)

This is f*cking hillarious: http://www.wimp.com/bestcensorship/


----------



## marconi (May 30, 2006)

Who is Hu? 
(Conversation heard in the Oval Office between George W. Bush and Dr. Condoleezza Rice, his National Security Advisor.) 

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? 

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 

George: Great. Lay it on me. 

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. 

George: That's what I want to know. 

Condi: That's what I'm telling you. 

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 

Condi: Yes. 

George: I mean the fellow's name. 

Condi: Hu. 

George: The guy in China. 

Condi: Hu. 

George: The new leader of China. 

Condi: Hu. 

George: The Chinaman! 

Condi: Hu is leading China. 

George: Now whaddya' asking me for? 

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. 

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? 

Condi: That's the man's name. 

George: That's who's name? 

Condi: Yes. 

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. 

Condi: That's correct. 

George: Then who is in China? 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Yassir is in China? 

Condi: No, sir. 

George: Then who is? 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Yassir? 

Condi: No, sir. 

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. 

Condi: Kofi? 

George: No, thanks. 

Condi: You want Kofi? 

George: No. 

Condi: You don't want Kofi. 

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. 

Condi: Kofi? 

George: Milk! Will you please make the call? 

Condi: And call who? 

George: Who is the guy at the U.N? 

Condi: Hu is the guy in China. 

George: Will you stay out of China?! 

Condi: Yes, sir. 

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. 

Condi: Kofi. 

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. 

(Condi picks up the phone.) 

Condi: Rice, here. 

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


----------



## dinos7 (Jun 1, 2006)

Q. why dont they teach sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in Iraq?
A. its too hard on the camels.

i came up with that one.


----------



## Wurger (Jun 2, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jun 2, 2006)

LOL


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Jun 5, 2006)

Surprise?


----------



## v2 (Jun 5, 2006)




----------



## zerum (Jun 5, 2006)

I dont know if this is the right place to post this.Buthttp://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5572303080094651959 Dont they have bones in their body.
or just think..........olala


----------



## v2 (Jun 5, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 5, 2006)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Jun 6, 2006)




----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jun 7, 2006)

good thing mine's spike


----------



## Wurger (Jun 7, 2006)

Yeap.


----------



## v2 (Jun 7, 2006)

Smoking kills

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJ58kIVifyc_


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jun 7, 2006)

hahahahaha


----------



## Wurger (Jun 7, 2006)

Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha .   
I like hamsters.There two pics with my daughter's hamster.The first one - the hamster normally, the second - a turbo one.


----------



## Wurger (Jun 7, 2006)

In a Scottish hotel you can read a warning notice for the hotel guests :
OUR GUESTS ARE KINDLY REQUESTED NOT TO TOUCH ELECTRIC DEVICES WITH WET HANDS BEFORE PAYING THE BILL.


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2006)

I got these in an email last week:

The messages on these signs were a bit confused. They are all real.


Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE
IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR
ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN
TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN **** TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.


In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL **** IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS
OF ASCENSION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.




In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO
MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ***?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


----------



## Pisis (Jun 7, 2006)

I redone that one Hussar has posted...


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jun 8, 2006)

OMG!!! man that is hilarious, f*ck! thats good real good I commend you for that


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jun 8, 2006)

::::::::::olice are warning all men::::::::::

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs to be on alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from
any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It
comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is
used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer
and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men
are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to
perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would
never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often
awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "some
thing bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are
swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known
as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term
form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall
victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there
are male support groups where you can discuss the details of
your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the
support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
phone book.


----------



## v2 (Jun 8, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jun 8, 2006)

Hehe


----------



## Henk (Jun 8, 2006)

Now that is f***ed up drunk.


----------



## v2 (Jun 10, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 11, 2006)

What should you remember about when you take part in "gruppen sex"?
Not to be omitted !


----------



## Pisis (Jun 11, 2006)

http://volny.cz/ropucha_3000/hitlatuma.swf


----------



## v2 (Jun 11, 2006)

a lit bit crazy...


----------



## Pisis (Jun 11, 2006)

Yeah, but I almost died by laugh when I clicked the link and this appeared.


----------



## v2 (Jun 11, 2006)

it's true.


----------



## v2 (Jun 11, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jun 11, 2006)

very nice...


----------



## Wurger (Jun 12, 2006)

Pisis said:


> http://volny.cz/ropucha_3000/hitlatuma.swf



This is an excalent dance.I wonder if Adolf could dance breakdance.Ha,ha,ha.


----------



## Wurger (Jun 12, 2006)

An interesting shot V2.It's true that people with flat feet serve in the NAVY.


----------



## pbfoot (Jun 13, 2006)

do you know why it's called PMS 
because mad cow was already taken


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jun 14, 2006)

my friend sent this on e-mail

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher".

Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."


----------



## Pisis (Jun 14, 2006)

LOL.

I've herad two fantstic jokes about Brezhnev recently.
The 1st one.

Comrade Leoind Ilyich Brezhnev is starting the opening ceremony of the XXII Summer Olympic Games in Moscow 1980. He stands on the tribune and reads:
"O... O... O... O..."
Suddenly a one of his flunkeys turns to him and whispers to his ear:
"Comrade Leoind Ilyich, you're not supposed to read that, that's an Olympic symbol!"


----------



## Wurger (Jun 14, 2006)




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## Pisis (Jun 14, 2006)

Great, isn't it... It cracked me up when I heard that...
Here's the second one.

Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev disappears.
They seek for him all over the Soviet Union. 
He's nowhere to be found.
Finally, they go to Chukotka, where they ask this old dyedushka:
"Comrade, haven't you seen our comrade Leonid Ilyich?"
He replies: "Nyet, but look, in this forest, there is a bear who is shi*ting medals for a week in a row!"


----------



## Wurger (Jun 14, 2006)

Yes,it is   
There is another one:
At the end of his life Leonid Brezhnev was like a terminator.If they put him the button down he was walking.


----------



## Pisis (Jun 14, 2006)

LOL


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Jun 17, 2006)

Boeing's (B797) Answer to the Airbus A380:


----------



## Pisis (Jun 17, 2006)

That's cool!


----------



## Wurger (Jun 17, 2006)

8)


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jun 20, 2006)

nice

There was a little girl who always fell asleep in school
Teacher: "who created the Universe?"
*the boy behind her poked him with a needle
Girl: 'God Almighty!'
Teacher: 'Very good'
*she fell asleep again
Teacher: "who was the guy on the cross?"
*prick
Girl: " Jesus Christ!" *then fell asleep again
Teacher: "correct"
Teacher: "now what did Eve say to Adam on their 23rd child?"
*pricks her with the needle again
Girl: "If you stick that thing into me one mor time I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!"
*the teacher fainted


----------



## cheddar cheese (Jun 20, 2006)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night 
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a 
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that 
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love 
for the first time. 
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex 
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get 
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and 
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. 
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many 
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family 
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he 
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.  
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents 
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm 
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table 
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly 
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, 
with his head down. 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the 
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the 
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." 
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your 
father was a pharmacist."


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jun 20, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jun 20, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Jun 20, 2006)

nice


----------



## Wurger (Jun 20, 2006)

CC ,there is not the word in English, in Polish- bosko


----------



## Pisis (Jun 21, 2006)

What's that?


----------



## v2 (Jun 21, 2006)

to go or not to go...


----------



## v2 (Jun 24, 2006)

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18 ) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 10.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28 ) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 ) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 ) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00

But, you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right...


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jun 24, 2006)




----------



## Henk (Jun 24, 2006)

That is us men for you. LOL


----------



## MichaelHenley (Jun 25, 2006)

v2 said:


> Boeing's (B797) Answer to the Airbus A380:



How on earth did they do that? thats amazing!


----------



## Pisis (Jun 25, 2006)

http://www.glumbert.com/media/rabbi.html


----------



## v2 (Jun 29, 2006)

Internet Down


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jun 29, 2006)

i know the feeling


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 29, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jun 29, 2006)

except sometimes i would wait an hour and nothing would happen  it's all sorted now though..........


----------



## Henk (Jun 29, 2006)

Know that fealling.


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jun 29, 2006)

So this guy walks into a bar and over to the bartender, before the guy orders his drink he notices to 2 familiar looking men sitting at a talbe across from him, the guy asks the bartender; "say is that George W. Bush and Di ck Cheney sitting over there"? and the bartender replies "why yes it is" so this guy goes over to them and introduces himself, and says to them "jee guys I just wanted to tell you what a great job your doing and keep up the good work" and George W Bush says "thank very much there partner, that meens alot to me" No problem the guy says. Say me and Di ck Cheney were discussing whether to go to the middle east to kill 4 million muslims and 1 blonde chick with huge t*ts" says G.W

and the guy asks "why would you want to kill a blonde woman with huge tits"?
G.W turns to Di ck Cheney and says "see I told you nobody would give a crap about the 4 million muslims"


----------



## Henk (Jun 29, 2006)

LOL LOL


----------



## v2 (Jun 30, 2006)

High LOL ( HLOL)...


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 30, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Jul 1, 2006)

...


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 1, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 1, 2006)

my word that's in bad taste


----------



## cheddar cheese (Jul 1, 2006)

Hahaha thats great


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2006)

LOL!


----------



## v2 (Jul 2, 2006)

First flight...
http://www.omen.com/f/q8flight.gif


----------



## Tiger (Jul 2, 2006)

Superb v2!!!       

Here is a funny and clever scam!

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company is: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.


----------



## plan_D (Jul 2, 2006)

That's from the movie Lock Stock.


----------



## Henk (Jul 2, 2006)

Well there was this one guy who advertised in the newspaper that he sell blue movies and a lot of people ordered because it was so cheap. After a weak or two the guys got their movies, but the whole video only showed blue, they tried to sue the guy, but he said blue movies for sale.


----------



## Pisis (Jul 3, 2006)

Yeaaaah!


----------



## Tiger (Jul 3, 2006)

Pisis you don't have to post your porn collection......


----------



## trackend (Jul 3, 2006)

Ive seen Mr potatoe head but I've never seen Mr potatoe arms before Pisis looks like 50lbs of king edwards in a pair of latex tights


----------



## Pisis (Jul 3, 2006)

...


----------



## Henk (Jul 3, 2006)

Pisis that guy looks real nasty, it will give me nightmares now.

The pot one is good.


----------



## v2 (Jul 3, 2006)

F-22 Stealth Maintenance


----------



## Henk (Jul 3, 2006)

Dont they wish.........


----------



## v2 (Jul 4, 2006)

....


----------



## Henk (Jul 4, 2006)

Now that is a good one.


----------



## v2 (Jul 5, 2006)

.....


----------



## Tiger (Jul 5, 2006)

Battlefield 2 - The Pwned Life - Google Video


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2006)

That is probably the best BF2 video out there...


----------



## v2 (Jul 10, 2006)

Kamasutra- XXI century


----------



## Pisis (Jul 10, 2006)

LOL...

Here's one: nobody can create a folder anywhere in any Computer named as "con". At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened! (I know why) 

Try it out yourself...


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2006)

Ok, it doesn't work, now why?

LOL v2!


----------



## Pisis (Jul 10, 2006)

Because it is reserved for system... Wickedows... 

I died from laughing when I saw this:
..::MEHR-SCHBASS::.. Heute schon Schbass gehabt? lustige Videos, witzige Werbespots, Humor, Fun Games, Bilder, sexy Girls


----------



## MichaelHenley (Jul 10, 2006)

I couldnt hear him very well. was it because of his stupid laugh, or because he was stoned? I don't know.


----------



## Henk (Jul 10, 2006)

Gnomey said:


> Ok, it doesn't work, now why?



Because Bill Gates is a @sshole. LOL


----------



## Monique (Jul 10, 2006)

Indeed he is. A very nerdy arsehole.  But sadly a very rich one too.​


----------



## Pisis (Jul 11, 2006)

MichaelHenley said:


> I couldnt hear him very well. was it because of his stupid laugh, or because he was stoned? I don't know.


Haaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaa.


----------



## Henk (Jul 11, 2006)

Have you guys seen the stupid cloths Bill Gates has, for such a rich guy he really does has a stupid wardrope. I loved it when his Windows 98 systum crashed on Live TV and it popped a Error screen while trying to install a printer or a scanner.


----------



## v2 (Jul 12, 2006)

Hot like in hell... 34C


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 13, 2006)

worse here


----------



## Wurger (Jul 13, 2006)

So try to this.


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jul 13, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Jul 14, 2006)

Wurger said:


> So try to this.



HLOL Wurger !


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 14, 2006)

not bad


----------



## v2 (Jul 14, 2006)

?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 14, 2006)

nice


----------



## Wurger (Jul 14, 2006)

LOL


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2006)

LOL, that has got to hurt!


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 14, 2006)

LOL, just keeps getting sicker and sicker


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 14, 2006)




----------



## Tiger (Jul 14, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 15, 2006)

He,he,he


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 15, 2006)

they're both great


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 16, 2006)

****in emo kid

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yapr0HMRC7k_


----------



## Nonskimmer (Jul 16, 2006)

That was...um......stupid.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 16, 2006)

yes, very stupid


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 16, 2006)

that's so true it's unbelievable!


----------



## mosquitoman (Jul 17, 2006)

I don't know whether to laugh at him or cry that there's people out there like that


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 17, 2006)

well he was just taking the piss but he's spot on.......


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jul 18, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jul 18, 2006)

he he


----------



## cheddar cheese (Jul 18, 2006)

Those comics are great, Im in the process of printing a load out to go on my wall.


----------



## Chief (Jul 18, 2006)

I like Cheese.


----------



## Henk (Jul 18, 2006)

?


----------



## v2 (Jul 18, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jul 18, 2006)

Uh...
The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jul 18, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2006)




----------



## mosquitoman (Jul 18, 2006)

How can he eat things like those!?


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jul 18, 2006)

What?


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 19, 2006)

these comics rock!!!


----------



## Pisis (Jul 19, 2006)

The 2nd one rocks! 
And MM's referring to the link I've posted up there.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 19, 2006)

Yeah the cartoons are great


----------



## cheddar cheese (Jul 19, 2006)

Couple of my faves....


----------



## Tiger (Jul 19, 2006)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home from her final
post-op doctor visit, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before 
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." 

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was 
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was."

"What is it?" she asks.

He replies, "It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you 
are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very 
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against
each other..

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough 
already. How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you 
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't.." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's...."


----------



## v2 (Jul 19, 2006)




----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 20, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Jul 20, 2006)

...


----------



## Pisis (Jul 20, 2006)

Hahahaha @ the McDonald's Breast joke.


----------



## Wildcat (Jul 20, 2006)

Yep that joke is great! Seen that RAAF penthouse one before.


----------



## Wurger (Jul 20, 2006)

Both are


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 21, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jul 21, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 21, 2006)

lol


----------



## Tiger (Jul 21, 2006)

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2006)




----------



## Henk (Jul 21, 2006)

lol


----------



## Wurger (Jul 22, 2006)

He,he,he


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 22, 2006)

yes that one's become an absolute classic.........


----------



## Tiger (Jul 22, 2006)

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway.
Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped George Bush!"

They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."


----------



## Pisis (Jul 22, 2006)

ROFL!!!!!!!


----------



## Henk (Jul 22, 2006)

Great one TIger. lol


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2006)




----------



## cheddar cheese (Jul 22, 2006)

Haha


----------



## v2 (Jul 23, 2006)

Marines on broomsticks


----------



## v2 (Jul 23, 2006)

Flyboy Goes to Heaven,

An air force officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!


----------



## Pisis (Jul 23, 2006)

OMG ROFL!


----------



## Henk (Jul 23, 2006)

Ha ha ha ha......... 

Oh my goodness that is a great one.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2006)

LOL!!


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 23, 2006)

omg lol!


----------



## v2 (Jul 24, 2006)

Three vampires walk into a bar.
The bartender takes the orders; 'a pint of blood please' says the first, 'a pint of blood please' says the second but then the thrd vampire asks for a glass of hot water.
The bartender and the two other vampires ask; why don't you take a pint of blood?
The third vampire answers while taking out a used tampon; 'I'm making tea'


----------



## Wurger (Jul 24, 2006)




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## Wurger (Jul 24, 2006)

A tourist in a small hotel gave a loud shout
- Hallo! Mister landlord ! I've found a cockcroach in my bed !
- And who would like to find? Marlyn Monroe ?- asked the arrogant londlord.


----------



## Tiger (Jul 24, 2006)

v2 said:


> Three vampires walk into a bar.
> The bartender takes the orders; 'a pint of blood please' says the first, 'a pint of blood please' says the second but then the thrd vampire asks for a glass of hot water.
> The bartender and the two other vampires ask; why don't you take a pint of blood?
> The third vampire answers while taking out a used tampon; 'I'm making tea'



   That is gross, but hell funny!


----------



## v2 (Jul 25, 2006)

The dangerous question...
"Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


----------



## evangilder (Jul 25, 2006)

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig
the garden for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Please do not dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love, Vinnie


----------



## Pisis (Jul 25, 2006)

Clever prisoner.


----------



## v2 (Jul 25, 2006)

Good one, evan...


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 25, 2006)

very clever


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 25, 2006)

didn't see that coming at all  very good...


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2006)

Yeah me neither, good one!


----------



## v2 (Jul 25, 2006)

Two German guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"


----------



## v2 (Jul 26, 2006)

In cold war CIA trained super spy and send him to Moscow.
At first day of spy work all russians cheered
-hello yankee spy!
and so on for few days, one day he went with russians on vodka.
-drink yankee spy
-why do you say i'm yankee spy do i drink diffrent way?
-no you drink like real russian
-do i speak diffrent
-no you accent is perfect 
-do i have diffrent clothes
-they are perfect but you see yankee spy we ..... don't have any black ppl in russia!


----------



## Wurger (Jul 26, 2006)

He,he,he....


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 26, 2006)

very un PC... so i love it


----------



## Pisis (Jul 26, 2006)

Dancers... 
Music Videos :: BulletinboardForum.com


----------



## Pisis (Jul 26, 2006)

JPost.com » Middle East » Article
Jul. 26, 2006 17:58
Saddam Hussein prefers bullet over noose
By ASSOCIATED PRESS
BAGHDAD, Iraq
[Print this Article] [EMail this Article] [Subscribe] [SMS Alerts] [JPost Toolbar] [JPost ePaper]

A thinner but combative Saddam Hussein told the court Wednesday he would prefer to die by firing squad rather than hang "like a common criminal," as the defiant ex-president made his final scheduled appearance before the tribunal until it renders a verdict.

The prosecution has asked for the death penalty for Saddam and two of the other seven defendants for their role in the deaths of Shi'ite Muslims in a crackdown following a 1982 assassination attempt against the Iraqi ruler in Dujail.

Saddam, dressed in a white, open-collar shirt and dark jacket, appeared to hear his court-appointed attorney read a final summation, arguing that prosecution witnesses and documents failed to link the ex-president to any of the atrocities in Dujail.

But none of that set well with the 69-year-old Saddam, who denounced the lawyer as his "enemy" and claimed the summation was drafted by foreigners who he has claimed have manipulated the trial since it began Oct. 19.


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## Henk (Jul 26, 2006)

Poor Sadam. He he he......


----------



## v2 (Jul 27, 2006)




----------



## Wildcat (Jul 27, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Jul 27, 2006)

Kinda racist joke...


----------



## cheddar cheese (Jul 27, 2006)

Funny though


----------



## Wurger (Jul 27, 2006)

Yeap 

An Englishman is floating in a life-boat on the sea after a shipwreck.A Frenchman,saved from another shipwreck an hour ago,has just joined him.
- How long have you been floating? - asks the Frenchman.
- For a month.
- And how can you bear this?
- I'm surprised myself.I'm especially bored at the weekends.


----------



## Pisis (Jul 27, 2006)

Hehe. But it should be "a life boat" not "-belt".


----------



## FLYBOYJ (Jul 27, 2006)

I was talking with some people the other day and this guy kept ranting about his softball team and how good of a ball player he is. It was starting to get boaring but this blowhard kept yapping. To keep the conversation going he asked me if I do any "physical activities." I looked at him and said, "Yea, I fly airplanes, and it takes two balls to do that!"


----------



## Pisis (Jul 28, 2006)

And what was his reaction?


----------



## Wildcat (Jul 28, 2006)

nice one Joe!


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2006)

Joe!


----------



## FLYBOYJ (Jul 29, 2006)

Pisis said:


> And what was his reaction?


He shut his yap and walked away!!!


----------



## Wurger (Jul 29, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 29, 2006)

Pisis said:


> Hehe. But it should be "a life boat" not "-belt".




As you can see thinking can be faster than writing.


----------



## Wurger (Jul 29, 2006)

The husband's return.


----------



## v2 (Jul 29, 2006)




----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 29, 2006)

remember those comics we posted a few days back? i found out that they had movies too

C&H #1, the sign
The sign part 2


----------



## Wurger (Jul 30, 2006)

Horror.


----------



## Wurger (Jul 30, 2006)

The chief of a tribe of cannibals went on holiday.According to his shaman's advice he bought a ticket on a luxury ship setting on a cruise around the world.
During the first supper at the capitan's table a steward passed him the menu.
- I'm not interested in this - said the chief - bring me a list of passengers,please.


----------



## Wildcat (Jul 30, 2006)

Ha ha, reminds me of another cannoble joke.

What did the cannible do after he dumped his girlfriend?


He wiped his arse!




Yeah pretty lame I know.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Jul 30, 2006)

yup, sorry dude


----------



## mosquitoman (Jul 31, 2006)

A cannibal passed his brother in the wood.

Think about it


----------



## Wurger (Jul 31, 2006)

An ambush.


----------



## Wildcat (Jul 31, 2006)

LMAO!


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 31, 2006)




----------



## Henk (Jul 31, 2006)

That is like being in prison. That must suck. lol


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 1, 2006)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg5_mlQOsUQ_


----------



## v2 (Aug 1, 2006)

*The Fighter Pilot*
An Air Force Fighter Pilot - dressed to kill in his dress blues - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the captain and asked him, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
To which he replied, "Well, I fly F-16s every single day of the week, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left, and the fighter pilot ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


----------



## Wurger (Aug 1, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Aug 1, 2006)

Wurger said:


> As you can see thinking can be faster than writing.


Yes, I know that very much.


----------



## Wurger (Aug 2, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Aug 2, 2006)

*Keep the Noise Down*
Tower: Eagle 08, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we make up here ?
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise an F-15 makes when it hits a 727?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 2, 2006)

brilliant


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2006)

Yep


----------



## v2 (Aug 3, 2006)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Aug 3, 2006)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.


I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.


This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck! He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. 

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."


----------



## v2 (Aug 3, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 3, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 3, 2006)




----------



## Wildcat (Aug 3, 2006)




----------



## Henk (Aug 3, 2006)

**** that suck.


----------



## k9kiwi (Aug 3, 2006)

I have a Golden retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 
On impulse, I told her no..........I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
and that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. 
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 4, 2006)

if that's true then it's classic......


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 4, 2006)

Yeah, that is great


----------



## k9kiwi (Aug 4, 2006)

Its True, Honest. And I have a Lancaster in my backyard.  

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


Divorce papers are pending.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 4, 2006)

what a *****


----------



## Wildcat (Aug 5, 2006)

I like it!


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2006)

Good one Kiwi


----------



## Pisis (Aug 5, 2006)

Heil Kitler!
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/


----------



## Wildcat (Aug 5, 2006)

quick, somebody shoot it!


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 6, 2006)

that site's great


----------



## Wurger (Aug 7, 2006)

Yes the site is nice 

A Bavarian tourist has just come back from a trip to Arizona.
It was horrible!- He tells his story in a local pub.
- Suddenly in broad daylight I was surrounded by the Indians!Wild Indians in front of me,wild Indians behind,wild Indians all around me!
- And what did you do,friend? - asked his companions raising their heavy beer glasses.
- What could I do? - the traveller shrugged his shoulders - I bought that f***'ing blanket from them.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 7, 2006)

I know that too well


----------



## Pisis (Aug 7, 2006)

Ouch!


----------



## Wurger (Aug 7, 2006)

Oh no !!!


----------



## Wildcat (Aug 7, 2006)

Holy f*ck!


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 8, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 8, 2006)

that's just not right.........


----------



## Pisis (Aug 8, 2006)

I guess it isn't...


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2006)

No children for him...


----------



## Pisis (Aug 8, 2006)

Indeed. I can't imagine how this could have happened...


----------



## Nonskimmer (Aug 8, 2006)

I'll just echo what Wildcat said. Holy f*ck!!! 

What the hell else is there to say?


----------



## Pisis (Aug 8, 2006)

I'm still wondering how this could happen... I can't imagine any situation that could lead to this bitter end... Hopefully he isn't a parachuter!


----------



## cheddar cheese (Aug 8, 2006)

Some people get wood over the weirdest things


----------



## v2 (Aug 8, 2006)

High speed sex (cool story from Norway):

A police patrol caught a couple in the act - in the middle of traffic.
Police in Laksevåg were notified in the early hours of Monday that a car had been observed driving irregularly, swerving and at various speeds.

"A patrol drove out and caught up with the vehicle on the west side of the Kolltveit Tunnel. There they turned on their light and siren but the car didn't stop. Instead the car continued with is somewhat unsteady driving, before turning and driving towards Bergen again, still weaving," lieutenant Tore Salvesen of the Laksevåg police told newspaper Bergens Tidende's web site.

The police vehicle remained behind the car for a longer period before deciding to stop it.

"While driving, the officers observed that there was a fair amount of activity in the car," Salvesen said.

When police stopped the car they found that the couple had laid both of the front car seats completely back. The man confessed that he and his partner had been unable to contain their lust until the trip was over.

The man had his drivers' license revoked on the spot.


----------



## Nonskimmer (Aug 9, 2006)

cheddar cheese said:


> Some people get wood over the weirdest things


*groan*


----------



## v2 (Aug 9, 2006)

A 90 year old man walks into a church and goes into the confessional

The priest slides the privacy screen open and and says "yes?"

The old man says "Father, I'm 90 years old, I've been happily married for 70 years and have 8 children 17 grand children and 12 great grand children.

Yesterday, on the way home from the market I saw two 18 year old girls walking along the side of the road and stopped to give them a ride.

Well father we ended up at a motel room and we all had sex together for over 4 hours.

The priest asked if he was sorry for his sin, to which the old man replied 
"No, of corse not father!!"

The priest, shocked asked "What kind of Catholic are you!!??"

The old man replied " I'm not catholic father I'm a Jew"

So the priest says " Well why are you telling me!!??"

The old man replied " Hell father! I'm telling everybody!!!"


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 9, 2006)

kinda sick but funny......


----------



## Pisis (Aug 9, 2006)

LMAO!!!


----------



## Wurger (Aug 9, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Aug 10, 2006)

Sherlock Holmes and the Dr Watson, needing some rest after some difficult investigations, decide to go camping in Wales. They set up the tent on top of a little hill, and prepare to go to sleep. Suddenly, as Watson is about to fall asleep, Holmes asks :

- Watson, my old chap, look at all these stars above us. What does that tell you ?

Watson, eager to impress Holmes, says :

- Well, Holmes, as a Christian, they tell me how wonderful the Creation is. As a scientist, they tell me life possibly exists in one of the world circling around them. And as an Englishman, they tell me how peaceful the Welsh countryside is.

- Well, Watson, you are an idiot. What these stars tell ME, as a detective, is that somebody just stole the tent !


----------



## Wurger (Aug 10, 2006)

What a clever investigator !!!


----------



## Pisis (Aug 10, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 10, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Aug 10, 2006)

It is called _"The Bike Break"_ 
1/35 "The Bike Break"


----------



## Wurger (Aug 10, 2006)

But it wasn't 1,5l of vodka.
   
I've seen somebody in the similar sytuation recently.There wasn't the Lenin's sculpture only.He,he


----------



## Pisis (Aug 10, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Aug 11, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 11, 2006)

How to piss?


----------



## k9kiwi (Aug 11, 2006)

Thats the wall in a damn fine bar in Wellington, New Zealand.

I keep saying us Kiwi's have a twisted humour.

PS. Serves most excellent Guinness.

The breakfast of champions.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 11, 2006)

this link was sent to me by crippen (she wont be around for a bit- off to Rome), and i thought it was very clever..........

fugufish frog » What would you do with Eight Treadmills?


----------



## v2 (Aug 12, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Aug 12, 2006)

LOL


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 12, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Aug 12, 2006)

Pienkna signatura, Wojtek.


----------



## Wurger (Aug 12, 2006)

Dekuju Davide !!


----------



## v2 (Aug 12, 2006)

Do tela piekna co cud....Wojtku


----------



## Pisis (Aug 13, 2006)

Do tela - last night I met a beautiful Pole...



Jesus, was she wonderful! Blonde cutie from Warszaw - I got her number, she's studying here at Prague!


----------



## v2 (Aug 13, 2006)

And what about your girlfriend, Pisis


----------



## Pisis (Aug 13, 2006)

I'm very, very, very bad @ss, I know... I love my girlfirend but I also like to stay in _touch_ with other people. (I don't mean that literally though! )


----------



## plan_D (Aug 13, 2006)

So, you're a man-whore.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 14, 2006)

Pisis said:


> beautiful Pole...


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 14, 2006)

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. 



The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes and the quiet is uncomfortable.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" 



The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin."


----------



## v2 (Aug 14, 2006)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Aug 14, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Aug 15, 2006)

plan_D said:


> So, you're a man-whore.


No.


----------



## v2 (Aug 15, 2006)

A good Catholic,

An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution.
The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain.
The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that."
"Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.
"But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."
"No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet."


----------



## Wurger (Aug 16, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Aug 17, 2006)

OK, that reminded me another one...

A foreign Jew comes to the Prague Jewish quarter.
He asks a standing-by Mr. Kohn:
"Tell me, I'm new here, where does the rabbi live?"
"Our rabbi lives in Red Street No. 3", Mr. Kohn replies
"Oh really? That's impossible!" the foreigner is shocked
"Why would be that impossible?" asks Mr. Kohn
The foreigner whispers: "Does really the rabbi live in a street where the whorehouse is?"
"Of course not, the whorehouse is in Black Street No. 5" replies Mr. Kohn
"Ah, thank you!" says the foreigner and walks away.


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2006)




----------



## Nonskimmer (Aug 17, 2006)

An older Molson Canadian beer ad. A Canadian fella is ordering his favourite beer, presumably somewhere in the States. There used to be a whole series of commercials like this for Molson Canadian. Some of them were funny.

The beer sucks, but the commercial was sorta cute.

Video: Commercial - Canadian Beer - Pet Beaver | Veoh Video Network


BTW, anyone know where to download those Bell commercials with Frank and Gord, the beavers? Those are hillarious.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 19, 2006)

Erich's alter ego perhaps? http://www.ww2aircraft.net/forum/members/gay_erich.html


----------



## Pisis (Aug 19, 2006)

What? 
It doesn't show anything Lanc...


----------



## cheddar cheese (Aug 19, 2006)

Thats some muppet who keeps logging in under various usernames with different IP's. Ignore anything you see similar.


----------



## Nonskimmer (Aug 19, 2006)

Yes, our old banned buddy STOOMLOK just can't get enough of anyone who called him on his stupidity a while ago. He just loves us all to death, don't 'cha know.


----------



## Pisis (Aug 19, 2006)

vBulletin Message said:


> This user has not registered and therefore does not have a profile to view.


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 20, 2006)

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house.


"Talking Dog For Sale." 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog 
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. 

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t."


----------



## Pisis (Aug 20, 2006)

Hehe.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 20, 2006)




----------



## Henk (Aug 20, 2006)

Good one.


----------



## Tiger (Aug 22, 2006)

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of time, the woman tightened the knob,and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon With two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've
always loved the results. But now I've developed two
annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said,"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Aug 22, 2006)

A black prisoner, Jebadiah, on a chain gang is singled out by the boss man. The boss man asks him if he is okay. The prisoner responds that he feels fine. The boss man notes that he looks bad and is sent the the prison doc. The prison doc, a well educated black man in his own right, proceeds to ask the slave what his ailments are.

"So whats is your problem, Jebediah?"

"I looks bad. But I feels good!"

The doc seems puzzled. He consults his medical journals and pours through the topics, ailments, and prospective treatments. "Hmmm. Looks good, feels good? No, no. That's not it. Looks bad, feels bad. No. Looks good, feels bad. Aha! Here it is!"

"You say you look bad, but feel good?"

"Yessah"

"Jebadiah, you's a vagina."


----------



## k9kiwi (Aug 23, 2006)

Isn't that one of the USA's 51 states?


----------



## 102first_hussars (Aug 23, 2006)

lol


----------



## Tiger (Aug 23, 2006)

@ Matt


----------



## Wurger (Aug 23, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 23, 2006)

didn't see that one coming..........


----------



## 102first_hussars (Aug 23, 2006)

what?


----------



## Maestro (Aug 23, 2006)

Do you know the four types of female orgasm ?

There is the *positive orgasm* : "Oh, yes ! Oh, yes ! ..."
There is the *negative orgasm* : "Oh, no ! Oh, no ! ..."
There is the *religious orgasm* : "Oh, my god ! Oh, my god ! ..."
And there is the *faked orgasm* : "Oh, Daniel ! Oh, Daniel ! ..."

Please note that I took the name "Daniel" as an example... For a better impact, use the name of the guy you're telling the joke to.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 24, 2006)

um, you could've picked a better example, i believe we have a few of them on the site anyway, most notably, our friendly neighbourhood moral officer Les


----------



## Maestro (Aug 24, 2006)

Well... I thought about that name because of CC. Is name is Daniel too, no ? I know he could take that kind of joke but I wasn't sure about the others.


----------



## GermansRGeniuses (Aug 24, 2006)

The old lady is feeling lonely, and decides it's time to get laid. She takes off everything she's wearing and puts on nothing but an overcoat. She goes down to the local bar, sees three young men sitting together. She flashes the first man and says, "Super sex!" The man says "OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!" and runs turns away. She flashes the second one, once again says "Super sex!" and he runs off to throw up. She gets to the third man, flashes him and says "Super sex!", he responds "I'll have the soup"


----------



## Pisis (Aug 24, 2006)

Maestro said:


> Do you know the four types of female orgasm ?
> 
> There is the *positive orgasm* : "Oh, yes ! Oh, yes ! ..."
> There is the *negative orgasm* : "Oh, no ! Oh, no ! ..."
> ...


And what about *"Hhhh... hhh... aaah... aaaaaaah_"*?


----------



## Wurger (Aug 24, 2006)

Or "ja gut...ja gut..." ?


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 24, 2006)

What's that Wurger? Cries of a skinny woman under a fat man?


----------



## Wurger (Aug 24, 2006)

Don't you know?  
Take the German dictionary,please or see a German pornofilm  

BTW the German "ja gut" sounds like the polish "blueberries".


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 24, 2006)

I suppose a fat man is likely to have those too.


----------



## Nonskimmer (Aug 25, 2006)

What do J.R.R.Tolkien and Star Trek have in common? Leonard Nimoy. 

No so much funny as it is bizarre:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC73PHdQX04_


----------



## Pisis (Aug 25, 2006)

Wurger said:


> Don't you know?
> Take the German dictionary,please or see a German pornofilm
> 
> BTW the German "ja gut" sounds like the polish "blueberries".


That so funny, _"Truskowka"_ [_"Strawberry"_ in Polish] sounds like a diminutive of the word "excrement" in Czech...


----------



## Wurger (Aug 26, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> I suppose a fat man is likely to have those too.






Pisis said:


> That so funny, _"Truskowka"_ [_"Strawberry"_ in Polish] sounds like a diminutive of the word "excrement" in Czech...


----------



## Wurger (Aug 26, 2006)

There is an interview with an old smoker.

- What do you like the most in all the world?
- Smoking.
- O.K. Maybe anything else?
- Smoking.
-You've already told us this.Maybe, there is anything else you like?
- Perhaps - answered the cancerman.
- So if yes, could it be sex?
- Yeap,sex. I like making a love.
- O.K. In which way? Classic,from back, others?
- from back.
- Why?
- Because I can smoke.


----------



## Pisis (Aug 26, 2006)

thats stupid...


----------



## Wurger (Aug 26, 2006)

why? Haven't you tried it yet.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 26, 2006)

an instant messenger themed parody of the song 'she hates me'
DumbVideos.com - She Blocked Me


----------



## Wurger (Aug 26, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Aug 26, 2006)

James Brown On Coke... 

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD57zixG9vQ_


----------



## Maestro (Aug 28, 2006)

loomaluftwaffe said:


> an instant messenger themed parody of the song 'she hates me'
> DumbVideos.com - She Blocked Me



OMFG ! I like that video...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 28, 2006)

yeah very ammusing.......


----------



## Pisis (Aug 28, 2006)

Wurger said:


> why? Haven't you tried it yet.


Well, not while smoking a cigarette though...  That would be sick... Though I often **** when Im high... 8)


----------



## evangilder (Aug 28, 2006)

Forwarded to me via e-mail. 

European Alert Levels
The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its error alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 28, 2006)

i love it


----------



## Wurger (Aug 28, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Aug 28, 2006)

I love the alert levels. Beauty. Here's one for the redneck joke fans:


Bubba and Billy Joe were walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a
whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and 
make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think wez ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know wez from Alabama." 

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..." 

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" 

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.."How come you knowed that?" 

"Cause this is a dry-cleaners."


----------



## evangilder (Aug 28, 2006)

LOL!


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2006)

Good ones.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 30, 2006)

good ones


----------



## k9kiwi (Aug 30, 2006)

Simple lesson in how to speak "gooder" Irish.

Repeat the following four lines, getting faster each time.

WHALE

OIL

BEEF

HOOKED.


Outstanding, now you can speak the language that invented Guinness and bagpipes.  

1/4 Kiwi, 1/4 irish, 1/2 FREE. And happy with that.


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 30, 2006)

Moron humor. I love it.


----------



## v2 (Aug 31, 2006)

Ein...


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Aug 31, 2006)

lol! Windows 37


----------



## v2 (Sep 1, 2006)

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a man who isn't saluting. 
"Why aren't you saluting like the others?" Hitler barks. 
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse, I'm not crazy!" comes the answer.


----------



## k9kiwi (Sep 1, 2006)

Dog Joke time.

Down here (New Zealand) we have an interesting past time called Pig Hunting. You take some mates, some narly dogs, and a few knives into the bush. After some hours the dogs scent, chase and bail up a wild pig. Your job is to avoid the dogs, tusks, hooves, and get the pig on its back and slit its throat.

Then you can carry the pig out of the bush, between 200 to 350 pounds worth.

See, we know how to have fun.  But damn the meat tastes GOOD.

The joke.....

Small country pub after a days hunting, a stranger walks in and says "I have the meanest pig dog around." 

In short order the bets are made, a ring of cars are out back, and the first dog is in. The stranger throws in his 16 stone Rottwieler cross and very soon is sitting back at the bar drinking his winnings.

Later, a weedy little Gay from Auckland walks into the bar, stunned silence ensues.

In a squeeky voice he asks "Who owns the big doggy out there?"

"I do, so what fag." states the big bruiser.

"My dog just killed it"

"What sort of dog you got, that can kill my 16 stone pig dog boy?"

"Chihuahua"

"How the [email protected] did your chihuahua kill my 16 stone pig dog"



























"Got stuck in his throat."


And talking of hunting....

Hunting for elephants.

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate excercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an excercise for their graduate students. 
Physicists hunt elephants by treating the elephant as a unstable W-Z particle and spend a fortune developing a Particle Accelerator large enough to detect one when a hippo and Rhino collide. 

Computer Scientists hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A: 

Go to Africa. 
Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 
During each traverse pass, 
Catch each animal seen. 
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. 
Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. 

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. 

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. 

Statisticians hunt the 1st animal they see N times call it an elephant. 

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. 

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. 

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. 

Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. 

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. 

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. 

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Sep 2, 2006)

from the creators of the cyanide and happiness cartoons
comes another flash video
Why we shouldn't litter

_editted to fix broken link_


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 2, 2006)

> > A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
> >States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
>
> > Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me
> >housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
> >
> > The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
> >
> > The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for
> >having such a beautiful country here in America!"
> >
> > The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."
> >
> > The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
> >shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
> >
> > That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am
> >not an American!"
> >
> > He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"
> >
> > She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
> >
> > Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
> >
> > The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"


----------



## evangilder (Sep 2, 2006)

Ouch! Great one Matt!


----------



## Wurger (Sep 2, 2006)

A good one Matt.


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2006)

Good one


----------



## v2 (Sep 2, 2006)

Yes, really good...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 2, 2006)

not a joke at all i've just got nowhere else to post... how far can you go? i've only tried it once, and managed 118 seconds on mission one..........

Ammo ambush


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 2, 2006)

Am I missing something? Cant access the URL.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 3, 2006)

duely fixed...........


----------



## v2 (Sep 4, 2006)

*Sorry*

Two members of the British Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. 

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. 

It seems that the Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily, the Harrier was operating unarmed. 

Otherwise... "Gee Officer, sorry about your patrol car........"


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Sep 5, 2006)

ouch


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 5, 2006)

The Americans are fearful as they recieve reports of a new russian stealth aircraft, their spies believe it's called the "Optical Ilyushin".............


----------



## cheddar cheese (Sep 5, 2006)

I can make a worse pun than that...

What do you get when you cross a Jack Russell with Al Qaeda?

A Terrierist.


----------



## evangilder (Sep 5, 2006)

Ugh, bad puns. Now for something completely different...


----------



## v2 (Sep 6, 2006)

First fly to the moon ( Rusia- year unknown  )


----------



## Wurger (Sep 7, 2006)

After the piggy had drunk the bottle the shot wasn't needed.


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 8, 2006)

What the heck was that from V2? Was that a mortar? The pic makes it look like the projectile (capsule? ) couldn't have been going very fast. However, I still can't imagine the Gs imparted to that poor piggy.


----------



## Pisis (Sep 9, 2006)

Learn Chinese - the easy way


1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid man - Dum Fuk
5) Small horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8 ) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here - Wao So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
12) The appointment is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great - Fa Kin Su Pah


----------



## Henk (Sep 9, 2006)

lol


----------



## Pisis (Sep 10, 2006)

Fu Kin Su Pah, I'd say.


----------



## v2 (Sep 10, 2006)

Bad surprise...


----------



## Pisis (Sep 11, 2006)

LMAO
Watch the Video Previews and Trailers


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 12, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Sep 12, 2006)

From wikipedia: According to the 1990 Census, "Wanker" is the 53,492nd most common surname in the United States.

ROFL LMAO!!!


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 13, 2006)

Don`t Forget Your Protection bloody funny.......


----------



## Pisis (Sep 14, 2006)

Buig sh*t


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 14, 2006)

That's great Lanc.

The Iranian Ambassador to the U.N. had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "you know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America. President Bush said, Well, anything I can do to help you, I will. The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show "Star Trek" and in it there is Chekov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek. President Bush Laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 14, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Sep 14, 2006)

It was already posted here once, I think a few pages back, Matt.
And as I stated, Checkhov should be Czech, not Russian.


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 14, 2006)

Dag. Sue me.


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 14, 2006)

Anyway, I thought you were sick?


----------



## Henk (Sep 14, 2006)

Nice one, but have you guys seen Les lately? Wonder where he is.


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 15, 2006)

He popped his head into the Basic threads to announce the greatest rock singer in all of history yesterday. What? You miss being berated? Reminded of your inferior intelligence? Or you inadequacies as a heterosexual male?

Come to think of it, I too wonder where Les has gone. I feel...well...not quite whole.


----------



## Pisis (Sep 15, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Anyway, I thought you were sick?


What, me?


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 15, 2006)

Yeah, you said you were sick from drinking your girlfriend and self flagellating. Or some such nonsense invoking thoughts of your needing an intervention.


----------



## v2 (Sep 16, 2006)

Stealth

Two drunk fighter pilots are flying in formation.
Leader to W1: "Can you see me?"
W1 to Leader: "No.""Can you see ME?"
Leader to W1: "No."
W1 to Leader: "Cool, now we are stealth fighters."


----------



## Pisis (Sep 16, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Yeah, you said you were sick from drinking your girlfriend and self flagellating. Or some such nonsense invoking thoughts of your needing an intervention.


What?! I said both me and my girlfriend wee sick, and she was seriously - she was in a commatose and had to be taken to a hospital so be so kind and save your guff...


----------



## Pisis (Sep 16, 2006)

LOL, v2!


----------



## v2 (Sep 17, 2006)

Beauty target...


----------



## Pisis (Sep 17, 2006)

Do you have bigger zoom, I can't see much...


----------



## v2 (Sep 17, 2006)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Sep 17, 2006)

Which one are we looking at? the dude? or the hot sl*t with the eagle spread?


----------



## Pisis (Sep 18, 2006)

102first_hussars said:


> Which one are we looking at? the dude? or the hot sl*t with the eagle spread?


Your @sshole! 

Look very concentrated at the black cross. After a while, the pink buttons will start to diaappear!


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 18, 2006)

Pisis said:


> What?! I said both me and my girlfriend wee sick, and she was seriously - she was in a commatose and had to be taken to a hospital so be so kind and save your guff...



Sorry Pisis. My translation of your girlfriend being "in a commatose" didn't come thru. You do need thicker skin though buddy. There are just too many @ssholes like me in the world.


----------



## Pisis (Sep 18, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Sorry Pisis. My translation of your girlfriend being "in a commatose" didn't come thru. You do need thicker skin though buddy. There are just too many @ssholes like me in the world.


No, I'm fine, you might just read carefully - sometimes the joking is not appropriate.


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 18, 2006)

Point well taken. But you still need a Forum intervention. 

Hope everyone gets well.


----------



## Pisis (Sep 19, 2006)

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Watch the Video Previews and Trailers


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 20, 2006)

Cow husbandry stereotypes [apologies that some of this humor may be lost on non-US members] -

>DEMOCRATIC
>
>You have two cows.
>Your neighbor has none.
>You feel guilty for being successful.
>Barbara Streisand sings for you. [b!tch]
>
>
>REPUBLICAN
>
>You have two cows.
>Your neighbor has none.
>So?  
>
>
>SOCIALIST
>
>You have two cows.
>The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
>You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
>
>
>COMMUNIST
>
>You have two cows.
>The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
>You wait in line for hours to get it.
>It is expensive and sour.
>
>
>CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
>
>You have two cows.
>You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
>
>
>BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
>
>You have two cows.
>Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
>
>
>AMERICAN CORPORATION
>
>You have two cows.
>You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
>You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
>Your stock goes up.
>
>
>FRENCH CORPORATION
>
>You have two cows.
>You go on strike because you want three cows.
>You go to lunch and drink wine.
>Life is good.
>
>
>JAPANESE CORPORATION
>
>You have two cows.
>You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and 
>produce twenty times the milk.
>They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
>Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
>
>
>GERMAN CORPORATION
>
>You have two cows.
>You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
>Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
>
>
>ITALIAN CORPORATION
>
>You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
>While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
>You break for lunch.
>Life is good.
>
>
>RUSSIAN CORPORATION
>
>You have two cows.
>You have some vodka.
>You count them and learn you have five cows.
>You have some more vodka.
>You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
>The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
>
>
>TALIBAN CORPORATION
>
>You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
>You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
>You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to 
>milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
>
>
>IRAQI CORPORATION
>
>You have two cows.
>They go into hiding.
>They send radio tapes of their mooing.
>
>
>POLISH CORPORATION
>
>You have two bulls.
>Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
>
>BELGIAN CORPORATION
>
>You have one cow.
>The cow is schizophrenic.
>Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
>The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
>The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
>The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
>The cow dies happy.
>
>
>FLORIDA CORPORATION
>
>You have a black cow and a brown cow.
>Everyone votes for the best looking one.
>Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote 
>for the black one.
>Some people vote for both.
>Some people vote for neither.
>Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
>Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is 
>the best-looking cow.
>
>
>CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
>
>You have millions of cows.
>They make real California cheese.
>Only five speak English.
>Most are illegals.
>Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 20, 2006)

i get most of them and whilst they have been posted here before they're still very good.........


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2006)

I must of missed them then last time...


----------



## Pisis (Sep 20, 2006)

LOL, that' super-funny... But is really cow "he"?


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 20, 2006)

the lancaster kicks *** said:


> i get most of them and whilst they have been posted here before they're still very good.........



[email protected] Sorry Lanc. That's the second time I've done that in as many days. I guess I'll just have to resign myself to duplicate postings and the beatings that I deserve.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 20, 2006)

na it's always good to read them again, some of them never get old


----------



## v2 (Sep 20, 2006)

Humor4You - Fun Movie - Spitfire_pass.wmv


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 20, 2006)

Go ahead Lanc. I'll let you have the honors.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 21, 2006)

that's one very funny clip but yes have had that one saved for a long time, even my dad found it funny...........


----------



## Wurger (Sep 21, 2006)

Nature.


----------



## Pisis (Sep 21, 2006)

LOL, the 2nd pic is funny. Kulis was embarassed, LOL


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 21, 2006)

on a similar note (yes i know nicked from les a while back  )


----------



## Wurger (Sep 21, 2006)

Stiil the same natura.


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 21, 2006)

Now that's funny


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Sep 21, 2006)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Sep 22, 2006)

Pisis said:


> Your @sshole!
> 
> Look very concentrated at the black cross. After a while, the pink buttons will start to diaappear!




that is f*cked , man really f*ck with a guys mind with that


----------



## v2 (Sep 22, 2006)

for you guys...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 22, 2006)

i like that one


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2006)

Yep, good one


----------



## v2 (Sep 23, 2006)

Road accident
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. 

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" 

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."

The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. 

The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 23, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Sep 23, 2006)

Boeing's "Corn Field of Dreams"


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 24, 2006)

show offs


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2006)

They can afford to


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## cheddar cheese (Sep 25, 2006)

Neat.


----------



## k9kiwi (Sep 27, 2006)

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor, a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No, said the Director, a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?




DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 27, 2006)




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## 102first_hussars (Sep 28, 2006)

At work me and a couple of other guys tricked one of the new boys into calling a Male Escort


----------



## k9kiwi (Sep 28, 2006)

Sniffer

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog".

He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent

"What's going on? 

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"


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## Matt308 (Sep 28, 2006)

That one caught me by surprise.


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 28, 2006)

me too, i also failed the bathtub test 

if Les was on here a bit more often no doubt he'd reconise some of these  some of them're great


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## Matt308 (Sep 28, 2006)

Those are great Lanc.


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## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2006)

Good stuff!


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## Matt308 (Sep 28, 2006)

Drunk in custody. This is funny. Explain this to the missus.

Drunk in Custody


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## cheddar cheese (Sep 28, 2006)

Haha lanc...Male


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## Matt308 (Sep 29, 2006)

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. 

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: 

The first is that you not be disgussted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


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## Matt308 (Sep 29, 2006)

Interesting to note that I had to purposely misspell d.i.s.g.u.s.t.e.d otherwise it looked like this ed.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 29, 2006)

heard that one before..........


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## Matt308 (Sep 29, 2006)

Alright Lanc, [email protected]

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
I have an
18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think of that?"

The doctor replied, 

"I have a friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
umbrella by mistake. 

When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised
his umbrella
and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. 

What do you think of
that?"

The 90-year old said, 

"I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly."


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 29, 2006)

No? Okay how about something closer to home.

"A man finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house bulit. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, 'See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time.' 

The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed. 

Then the man says, 'And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love.' 

The architect could hardly believe his ears,'That's incredible, what did her mother say?' 

To which the man replies,'Baaaaaa.''


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 29, 2006)

it's ok matt you've made up for it with those two, loved them both


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## Matt308 (Sep 29, 2006)

I can rest easy now.


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## Wurger (Sep 29, 2006)

I hope not R.I.P. Matt    

During students' exams a teacher is writting topics on the black-board.Some of pupils are noisy.At last they were said to be quiet.The professor is continued his writting.Some minutes later, the students start talking again.The teacher is irritated.With no looking at them and keeping writting he said " I'm still hearing voices " .
Me too ,answered one of the school-boys, but I take a cure.


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## cheddar cheese (Sep 29, 2006)

Matt that second joke could just be lanc in 20 years time


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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2006)

Good ones!

Surely there is no 'could be' about it...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 29, 2006)

20 years, your opinion of me's improving, i wouldn't have thought you'd give me 20 seconds


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## Matt308 (Sep 29, 2006)

Even if it only takes 20 seconds you still have to practice safe sex.

I recommend painting the legs of the sheep that kick.


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 2, 2006)

Thats gotta be a big oops.
(and for the "Thread Police", did I get it right this time?)


----------



## Wurger (Oct 3, 2006)

A big insect on the windscreen.Where are the MIB?


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## v2 (Oct 3, 2006)

The Pilot's Code
(Holding up your right Hand)

I am a Pilot
I will not drink
But if I do
I will not get drunk
But if I do
I will not get drunk in public
But if I do
I will not stagger
But if I do
I will not fall down
But if I do
I will fall on my face so they cannot see my wings


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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2006)

Wooden V2 ?
source :http://www.cds.ed.cr/teachers/harmon/papayo trunk.jpg


----------



## v2 (Oct 3, 2006)




----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 3, 2006)

Thats good advice.


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## Matt308 (Oct 3, 2006)

That's beautiful.


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## Pisis (Oct 3, 2006)

That's a great photo actually! 8)


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## Wurger (Oct 4, 2006)

8) k9kiwi 

I've received from my coleague.


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## v2 (Oct 4, 2006)

Cult car...


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 4, 2006)

Lame, but I so despise Hillary Clinton...

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached
them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
Queen of England

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
woman's blonde hair and the horse's ***. I was able to put them together
and now she's a senator from New York.


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 4, 2006)

Wurger.

Most Excellent.

Every country has its rabid Greenies, some more so than others.

In New New Zealand we have the, wait for it, highly imaginative, "The Green Party". Their leader Jeanette Fitzsimons is the most rabid you could imagine, living on a very large bush block in the corromandel ranges.

What isn't well known is that her Father, was one of the major owners of ICI Chemicals, thats how come she can afford to live as a super eco warrior, she has the dosh.

---------------

One day Jeanette saw a native Hawk high up a kauri tree in its nest, on top of the big hill on her property. She decided to climb the hill and the tree to commune with nature and the family of birds,

As she got to the top of the tree, the hawk took exception and attacked her, Jeanette lost her grip and slid about 49 feet down the tree, using her thighs to slow down until she finaly grabbed a branch.

In some pain she went to the nearest doctor with splinters all the way up her inner thighs and to her "nether regions".

After the examination the doctor said "I can get them out for you, but just wait a minute, there is something I must check out first"

Two hours later the doctor returned to the by now very angry and sore Jeanette. "where have you been" she demanded".

"I am sorry" responded the Doctor, " I have checked with all of the major political parties, the Prime Minister, The local maori tribe, even with your fellow Greens. And they all agree on one thing."

"I am not allowed to remove native timber from a recreation area."


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 5, 2006)

Top Secret - Do Not Forward 

This was sent to me by an associate in the surveillance field. I am sharing it with friends and family on a need to know basis. I cannot vouch for its validity but, if true, it could very well rock the foundation of this country. 


SECURITY PHOTO: CONFIDENTIAL
The photo is a video captured from a security camera located in the North Corridor that leads to the Senate floor in the US Capitol Building. 


This is classified material, so do not ask how or where I got it.


Please DO NOT FORWARD this. The repercussions could shake things up more than you can imagine. A highly respected politician's head is on the line here!


But I feel someone should know the truth.


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 5, 2006)

And she probably has more tackle than Bill.


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## Wurger (Oct 6, 2006)

Here is a pic of two dolphins.It's true.Psychologists and psychiatrists have proved that people ,who are suffering from stress, are able to find more than two differences in the pictures. If you can find the differences it means that your life is stressful and you need very long long holidays.


----------



## Pisis (Oct 6, 2006)

I thought the other one is a sea-cow...


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## Matt308 (Oct 6, 2006)

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his
two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.


The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the 
sheet Darryl said,"Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better 

roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't 
Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought 

Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."


Te mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "no, it ain't 
Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two @ssholes."


----------



## v2 (Oct 7, 2006)

....


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## Pisis (Oct 7, 2006)

LOOOOOOOL


----------



## evangilder (Oct 7, 2006)

Some won't get that.


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2006)

But for those that do:  !


----------



## Wurger (Oct 7, 2006)




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## Matt308 (Oct 7, 2006)

>WORDS WOMEN USE

> 

> 

>FINE
>This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

> 

> 

>FIVE MINUTES
>If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
>minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

> 

>NOTHING
>This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
>Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

> 

> 

> GO AHEAD
> This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

> 

> 

> LOUD SIGH
> This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
>misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
>wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

> 

> 

> THAT'S OKAY
> This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
>man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
>deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

> 

> 

> THANKS
> A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
>welcome.

> 

> 

> WHATEVER

> It's a woman's way of saying "F^CK YOU!"


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Oct 7, 2006)

i have a sister, that is pretty true


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Oct 7, 2006)

The hidden lyrics revealed, parts of songs played backwards
Jeffmilner-backmasking


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## Matt308 (Oct 8, 2006)

Never, EVER, tell a woman she can't cook.


----------



## Wildcat (Oct 8, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Oct 8, 2006)

loomaluftwaffe said:


> The hidden lyrics revealed, parts of songs played backwards
> Jeffmilner-backmasking



Cool! Some planned others, not. I loved the Pink Floyd. I have never read about that one and The Wall is one of my alltime favorite albums. I would have thought I would have read about that one somewhere.


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## Wildcat (Oct 8, 2006)

Yeah the Pink Floyd one is pretty well known, some of the others are cool.


----------



## Wurger (Oct 8, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Never, EVER, tell a woman she can't cook.



   
Who was organized a grill party some weekends ago?I've read about it somewhere in the forum.    Perhaps it could be his.


----------



## v2 (Oct 8, 2006)

*10 REASONS TO MARRY A FEMALE FIGHTER PILOT *

10. Don't have to spend hours in the mall looking for accessories. The life support shop provides everything she needs. 

9. Arguments are a lot shorter because you both use acronyms to insult each other. 

8. She insists on buying a stroller with a gold plated canopy and the baby's name and callsign stenciled on the side. 

7. A conversation about boom vs probe-n-drogue refueling turns into a night of dirty talking. 

6. Her occupation takes her from 0-600mph in 18 seconds. 

5. She brings you souviners from deployments in the travel pod. Everything was frozen but its the thought that counts. 

4. She looks gorgeous in an evening gown or in a flightsuit. 

3. You would never be tempted to cheat because you know she can put a GBU-10 through the bedroom window. 

2. If she ever shoots down an enemy jet, you can spend the next 10 years telling everyone you meet "That was my wife!" 

And the number one reason to marry a female fighter pilot: 

1. She followed you into the men's room at the bar


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## Matt308 (Oct 8, 2006)

Spoken like you've been there V2.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 8, 2006)

Yorkshire Airlines...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 8, 2006)

as good at that is i daren't send it to my yorkshire friend...........


----------



## plan_D (Oct 8, 2006)

I find it hilarious, but it's not true to life across all yorkshire. Since Yorkshire is so big, the variation is massive. Anyone on the outside of Yorkshire wouldn't understand unless they lived in Yorkshire for a good long time. 

You cannot compare a man from North Yorkshire to one from South Yorkshire. It's ignorant of people to say "yorkshire people are ... "


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Oct 9, 2006)

man i had to replay nearly every line just to understand


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 11, 2006)

This is more "humour" from my Cannadian mate (yes he is a current member of their Army)

And yes he does see both sides as I do, so don't snap at my arse for it.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 11, 2006)

Hey humor is founded in reality. Just like stereotypes. I thought it was funny.


----------



## v2 (Oct 12, 2006)

...


----------



## Pisis (Oct 12, 2006)

Hehe.

Here's a joke.
The UN puts up a UN Soccer Team. Almost every nation is represented by one player there. but after they set up the whole team, someone asks: "But whom we will play against?" 
"Israel" replies someone other.


----------



## v2 (Oct 12, 2006)

...


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 12, 2006)

Pisis said:


> Hehe.
> 
> Here's a joke.
> The UN puts up a UN Soccer Team. Almost every nation is represented by one player there. but after they set up the whole team, someone asks: "But whom we will play against?"
> "Israel" replies someone other.


----------



## Wildcat (Oct 12, 2006)

LOL The Aussie Army hard at work. That pic was taken at the Indy a year or so ago. Created quite a sh*t storm!


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 12, 2006)

Really?! I guessed it was fake! In that case it is damn funny.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 13, 2006)




----------



## Wildcat (Oct 13, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Really?! I guessed it was fake! In that case it is damn funny.



Nope it's real, IIRC the crew were even grounded. There's also a pic taken from a refueling a/c of a RAAF F111 Nav reading a penthouse magazine. Probably on the net somewhere..


----------



## Pisis (Oct 16, 2006)

Hehe


----------



## v2 (Oct 16, 2006)

*Carrier landings*

Any naval aviator will tell you that landing a plane on an aircraft carrier is the most dangerous thing to do. First you've got to find an airport that is moving from place to place all the time. Then you've got to line up on a landing strip that is (a) too short, and (b) bouncing up and down. Not only do you have to remember to lower your landing gear, you've also got to lower a hook which is designed to catch the cables that they've strung across the deck (think of putting on the brakes in your car by leaning out the window and grabbing a telephone pole). And to put the icing on the cake, you've got apply full throttle just before you land so that if your hook misses those cables, maybe - just maybe - you will have enough power to take off instead of falling over the side and going splat.

The operations center was holding its collective breath as a rookie pilot was on final approach for his first carrier landing. The flight path looked good, speed looked good, down comes the landing gear, down comes the hook... Oh no, he missed all four arresting cables! The plane disappears from view as it shoots off the end of the runway and drops over the bow. The operations center personnel quickly start recovery procedures, calling in the helicopters to make the pickup -- if there's anything left to pickup.

To their amazement, just then the plane reappears! There it is -- skimming the wavetops as it begins to gather speed. The radio crackles as the pilot announces, "OK, Lord. I can take it from here..."


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 16, 2006)

MD's have more fun ! ! !


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. 
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX. 
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. 
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada 
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his 
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. >Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, >>Norfolk, VA 
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." 
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR 
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI 
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." 
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." 
Submitted by RN no name 
AND FINALLY!!!................ 
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. 
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". 
Doctor wouldn't submit his name...........


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 17, 2006)

no. 6 is the best, no. 7 has to be made up........


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 17, 2006)

I thought that too. The fool could lose his job over shenanigans like that.


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 17, 2006)

You never know it might be true...


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 17, 2006)

...and thus the invention of the "funny".


----------



## v2 (Oct 18, 2006)

.....


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 18, 2006)

I hate fake breasts. And she has a lot of them.


----------



## Wurger (Oct 18, 2006)

Big headlights.Not impressive.


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 19, 2006)

GET A LIFE.

If she told you she was a "Dora" series 190, you would blow your load in her passing shadow.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 19, 2006)

Yep


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 19, 2006)

-190D ugh  whilst natural does look better who here would actually say no on the grounds they're fake?


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 19, 2006)

Me


----------



## cheddar cheese (Oct 19, 2006)

Me...


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2006)

Lies... 

Me.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 19, 2006)

Its amazing how that fad is begin to sunset.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 20, 2006)

Five secrets of a perfect relationship:

1) It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job. 


2) It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 


3) It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie. 


4) It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you. 


5) It’s very, very important that these four b!tches don't know each other.


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 20, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 20, 2006)




----------



## Bf109_g (Oct 20, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 21, 2006)

didn't see that one coming


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 21, 2006)

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2006)




----------



## Maestro (Oct 21, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 22, 2006)




----------



## plan_D (Oct 23, 2006)

Most Brits will get this with the recent tension over Muslim women;

A woman receives a knock at the door, looking out the window she notices a Muslim woman at the door. So, she goes down and kneels down to the letterbox and says: "Hello, I'm going to talk through this to see how you like it!"


----------



## v2 (Oct 24, 2006)

*Order of Battle*

ARMY - In the Army, the officers send the men off to fight. 
NAVY - In the Navy, the officers lead the men into battle. 
AIR FORCE - In the Air Force, the men send the officers off to fight.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 24, 2006)

Why gas prices are high...

Dubai, United Arab Emirates

[This is so outrageous that it is funny]


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2006)

There is one in Milton Keynes in the UK as well...


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 24, 2006)

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." 

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " 

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" 

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" 

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." 

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" 

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" 

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 24, 2006)

ouch kiwi that's wrong 

and that stuff about the Muslim women's pissing me off, it all started with a perfectly reasonable request to muslim women to remove their veils during privite conversations, is that altogether unreasonable?


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 24, 2006)

Apparently not.

Down here recently there was a "Civil Rights" court case.

Her husband did not understand why she should have to take her Rag Top off to have her drivers license photo taken. *HALLO, anyone home...*

Further, he could not understand why he had been given a Dangerous Driving ticket for allowing her to drive while wearing the full Rag Top. Could he see any impairment in her ability to drive. *NOOOOO.*

Funny thing tho, they lost the case for some reason.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 24, 2006)

And thank goodness there is some reality in this world. If the Muslim's are trying to endear themselves to our hearts, that is NOT the way to go about it. Anyway, that's another thread...

Oh, and I would never have guessed that ski lift and its attendant snow would be built in a building. Anywhere.

Here's another. Apologies if you have seen this before.


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 25, 2006)

HEHE, reminds me....

Mickey Mouse was in the Divorce court.

The judge said "let me get this straight Mr Mouse, you want to divorce Minni Mouse on grounds of insanity."

Mickey replies...

"I never said she was crazy, I said she was F'ng Goofy."


----------



## Pisis (Oct 25, 2006)

LOL


----------



## Wurger (Oct 25, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Oct 25, 2006)

That's great. Here's another...


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2006)

You may of seen these before but still...

because you're worth it
http://www.globaldefenceforum.com/showthread.php?t=192&highlight=Funny+Military


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 25, 2006)

I've seen the Monrovian fighting before. The first time I saw that one, I literally laughed myself to tears. Never get tired of that one.

I loved the funny mil thread. Hadn't seen alot of those before.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 25, 2006)

i loved some of them pics gnomey, good find!


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 26, 2006)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT,

YOU SINNER


----------



## Maestro (Oct 26, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 26, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Oct 26, 2006)

More clean humor...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put

into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here

years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese

food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us

realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or

will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the

most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"




After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row

raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 26, 2006)

i love it


----------



## Maestro (Oct 26, 2006)

Very true for at least 50% of North-Americans too.


----------



## v2 (Oct 27, 2006)

*Wrong b**ch*

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 27, 2006)

An oldie, but a goodie.


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2006)

Yep.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 28, 2006)

never heard that one before  was expecting something along the lines of they go into a dark tunnel and he ends up having sex with the dog or summit like that.........


----------



## Maestro (Oct 28, 2006)

the lancaster kicks *** said:


> ...and he ends up having sex with the dog or summit like that.........



Your zoophilia is seriously disturbing, Lanc...


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 29, 2006)

the lancaster kicks *** said:


> never heard that one before  was expecting something along the lines of they go into a dark tunnel and he ends up having sex with the dog or summit like that.........



WTF?


----------



## evangilder (Oct 29, 2006)

You Might Be a Redneck Pilot If:

1. Your stall warning plays DIXIE.

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.

4. You've ever used moonshine as AV-Gas.

5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.

6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.

8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.

9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a windsock.

10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."

11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane.

12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."

13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.

15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.

16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.

17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.

18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying for over 20 years.

19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.

20. You consider anything over 500-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.

21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."

22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.

23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco on the left.

24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.

25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.

26. You've ever landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee.

27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.

28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.

29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer.

31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.

32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."

33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.

34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey Y'all-Watch This!"

36. You use your airplane for camping.

37. You still have a CB radio and a "Handle" (Call sign) in your plane, truck, or bass boat.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 30, 2006)

haha brilliant


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Oct 30, 2006)

.


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2006)

LOL


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 2, 2006)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in
> > Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
> > pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here
> > will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
> > end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the bar and
> > bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
> >
> > The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned
> > to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same
> > hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
> > said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
> >
> > The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old man,
it's
> > your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
> > calling her the ballerina?"
> >
> > The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be
> > a ballerina!"


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2006)

haha


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 5, 2006)

well it made me giggle 

warning- not for you kiddies...........


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 5, 2006)

For those government employees and bureaucrats who have problems with standard recipes, here's one that should make the grade--a classic version of the chocolate-chip cookie translated for easy reading.

Total Lead Time: 35 minutes.

Inputs:

1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
12-ounce package semi-sweet chocolate pieces
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans

Guidance:

After procurement actions, decontainerize inputs. Perform measurement tasks on a case-by-case basis. In a mixing type bowl, impact heavily on brown sugar, granulated sugar, softened butter and shortening. Coordinate the interface of eggs and vanilla, avoiding an overrun scenario to the best of your skills and abilities.

At this point in time, leverage flour, baking soda and salt into a bowl and aggregate. Equalize with prior mixture and develop intense and continuous liaison among inputs until well-coordinated. Associate key chocolate and nut subsystems and execute stirring operations.

Within the time frame, take action to prepare the heating environment for throughout by manually setting the oven baking unit by hand to a temperature of 375 degrees Fahrenheit (190 degrees Celsius). Drop mixture in an ongoing fashion from a teaspoon implement onto an ungreased cookie sheet at intervals sufficient enough apart to permit total and permanent separation of throughputs to the maximum extent practicable under operating conditions.

Position cookie sheet in a bake situation and surveil for 8 to 10 minutes or until cooking action terminates.

Initiate coordination of outputs within the cooling rack function. Containerize, wrap in red tape and disseminate to authorized staff personnel on a timely and expeditious basis.

Output:

Six dozen official government chocolate-chip units.

--------

And I used to think management material was just a softer ply tissue.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 6, 2006)

the lancaster kicks *** said:


> well it made me giggle
> 
> warning- not for you kiddies...........




Sick humor. Always my favorite. Low brow humor must match my intelligence.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 6, 2006)

Hope I can get this to work. I can't seem to get *gif files to work like I want to. Lack of proper education, I've been told. Here goes.

Describing simple harmonic movement 

For Syscom:


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 6, 2006)

...and for the rest of us uneducated morons.


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 6, 2006)

It might have taken me 20 minutes...

But is there something behind her left arm.  

(nice one Matt)


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 6, 2006)

From an Aussie DJ.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 6, 2006)

Brilliant! Uuuhhhhgg. What a day.


----------



## v2 (Nov 7, 2006)

The future looks good...


----------



## v2 (Nov 7, 2006)

Hitler in his bunker...

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSw0hCXdauY_


----------



## Pisis (Nov 7, 2006)

OMG, thats one piece of ****....


----------



## Pisis (Nov 7, 2006)

Check this instead: 
_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px9kHjrPmQo_


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 7, 2006)

that hitler in his bunker thing's one of the most surreal thing's i've ever seen  if only i could understand german, can someone give the general gist? i made out luftwaffe i think and that's it........


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 7, 2006)

Borat 

No wonder most of the world hates americans. How can those two old dolts be so arrogant to believe that someone from Kazakhstan is inherently that freaking stupid. I bet there is more backlash from this movie than will be immediately realized.


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 7, 2006)

Out of the mouth of babes...


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 8, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 8, 2006)

>>>>>> A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a 
>>>>>> brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the 
>>>>>> world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and 
>>>>>> stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years 
>>>>>> old, pulls up next to him.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What 
>>>>>> kind of car ya' got there sonny?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million 
>>>>>> dollars!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so 
>>>>>> much?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the 
>>>>>> young dude proudly.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in 
>>>>>> the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the 
>>>>>> old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick 
>>>>>> with my moped!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old 
>>>>>> man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, 
>>>>>> the speedometer reads 160mph.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to 
>>>>>> be
>>>>>> getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and 
>>>>>> suddenly,
>>>>>> WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young 
>>>>>> man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up 
>>>>>> to 250mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on 
>>>>>> the moped! Amazed that a moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it 
>>>>>> more gas and passes the moped at 275mph.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the 
>>>>>> old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old 
>>>>>> guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 
>>>>>> 320mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him 
>>>>>> again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, 
>>>>>> demolishing the rear end.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man 
>>>>>> is still alive.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there 
>>>>>> anything I can do for you?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook... my... 
>>>>>> suspenders... from... your... side-view mirror.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 9, 2006)

didn't see that coming


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 9, 2006)

Afraid I did  Most of the time I was just outraged at the performance figures of said Ferrari though, which someone as sad as me finds funnier than the actual joke


----------



## Nonskimmer (Nov 9, 2006)




----------



## Maestro (Nov 9, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 9, 2006)

cheddar cheese said:


> Afraid I did  Most of the time I was just outraged at the performance figures of said Ferrari though, which someone as sad as me finds funnier than the actual joke



Yeah I almost changed them. But then again, they are what they are. Too much effort. Besides, I could never fool you CC. You are much to clever.


----------



## v2 (Nov 10, 2006)

_*Pierre, the French fighter pilot*_

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Nov 10, 2006)

LOL, that's so stupid!


----------



## Pisis (Nov 10, 2006)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBgRb-k7Vwo_


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 10, 2006)

Losing a Friend.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 10, 2006)

Man we got a bunch low brow humour here! I like it.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 10, 2006)

The worst ones are the best


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 10, 2006)

Yes they are.


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 11, 2006)

Yesterday we took our 2 1/2 year old son to Glenbrook Vintage Railway for the Bi-Annual "Thomas the Tank Engine" day.

Lots to see and do, and a 1 hour train ride behind a 4-8-4-4 steam engine was on order for the day.

The young fella likes his "tomas" as he calls him, and gets pretty close on the names of all the other engines.

Walking along the platform with him perched on my shoulders looking round and going "WOW" every couple of seconds, we were in a reasonable sized crowd.

Now in the past when Sir Topam Hat aka "The Fat Controller" appears on TV, Adam would just point at him and say "WOW".

So why was it yesterday he thought he had best try it as we passed a large gentlemen dressed up as The Fat Controller in the crowd.

Suddenly, all everyone heard was....

"The Fat Cont"

Apparently he has trouble with the "roller" bit.

Mum went bright red, Dad just about peed his pants laughing as we walked off.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 12, 2006)

Those are going to be good memories though my friend.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2006)

They sure will be


----------



## v2 (Nov 13, 2006)

...


----------



## Pisis (Nov 13, 2006)

OMG!... Where do you dig these stupid cartoons from, V2?


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 13, 2006)

k9kiwi said:


> Yesterday we took our 2 1/2 year old son to Glenbrook Vintage Railway for the Bi-Annual "Thomas the Tank Engine" day.
> 
> Lots to see and do, and a 1 hour train ride behind a 4-8-4-4 steam engine was on order for the day.
> 
> ...


----------



## v2 (Nov 13, 2006)

Pisis said:


> OMG!... Where do you dig these stupid cartoons from, V2?



somewhere in net, Pisis


----------



## Pisis (Nov 13, 2006)

Yes. It's sometimes so stupid I have to laugh...


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 14, 2006)

Exactly my thoughts when I see lanc everyday...


----------



## Wurger (Nov 14, 2006)

A pre-war joke from a newspaper.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 14, 2006)

This should come in handy for some coursework I'm doing...


----------



## Pisis (Nov 14, 2006)

Court TV Red. Real, Exciting. Dramatic. The best action video on the web.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2006)

That must of hurt a lot....


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Nov 15, 2006)

hell yeah


----------



## Pisis (Nov 15, 2006)

Hehe, what a stupid guy...


----------



## Pisis (Nov 15, 2006)

LOL


----------



## Pisis (Nov 16, 2006)

More stupid sh1t...


----------



## Wurger (Nov 16, 2006)

The second is stupid but the first one no.


----------



## Pisis (Nov 16, 2006)

Hehe...


----------



## 102first_hussars (Nov 19, 2006)

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"


----------



## Wurger (Nov 19, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Nov 19, 2006)

Sgt. Baranowski and the Goose:

The theft of one of his geese compelled a country policemen to begin an investigation into the matter. By chance he discovered the missing goose being held and fed by Polish airmen, and even walked on a leash around the aerodrome. The case was settled in a court of law at Newcastle-upon-Tyne:

"The defendant, Sgt. Baranowski, 317 Squadron, when asked if he pled guilty, replied that before answering the question he would like to make a short explanation to the court. The judge permitted him to speak, and waited for what the Pole was going to say in his broken English. The sergeant, as befits a soldier, looked the judge straight in the eyes, and related briefly, as if reporting, the story of his fighter squadron, which had not even encountered the Germans, to say nothing about scoring a victory. At the same time British squadrons in the area were enjoying more luck. After researching the question in detail, he found that every other squadron had a mascot, while the Polish unit had none. One day, walking through the village, he saw a goose. He recalled the story of the geese in ancient Rome that saved the city. So, he decided to steal a goose. At night, while everybody else was having a good time in the Sergeants' Mess, he accomplished his plan. That was all he had to say in his defence.

" 'Well', asked the judge ironically, 'has a German aeroplane fallen into the hands of the defendant, too?'

"The counsel for the defence, a British officer, asked permission to speak, which was granted by the judge.

" 'Two days after the goose was brought to the aerodrome', said the consel, 'the defendant shot down a Dornier during a patrol...'

"... On hearing this the policeman asked the court to close the case, paid several pound sterling in costs, and shook the Polish airman's hand, saying 'sorry'."


----------



## Pisis (Nov 19, 2006)

Hmm, but it is not funny, it more a case of randomness...


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 20, 2006)

Chinese Eye Test

If you can't read it, just pull the corners of your eyes outward (make your eyes slant).

I love stupid internet $hit like this.


----------



## Wildcat (Nov 20, 2006)




----------



## Maestro (Nov 20, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 20, 2006)

Who thinks that kinda crap up? I wanna shake their hand.


----------



## Pisis (Nov 21, 2006)

Old...

Here's a real joke...


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2006)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCrMyI6ngLg_


----------



## Pisis (Nov 21, 2006)

I saw that million times. That is not the best Borat can do. The three I liked the best was Job Interview, Babra Bush and Republican Canidature...


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 21, 2006)

Caution!



A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic.Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the
trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible
not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.On
the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals
your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th , 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th,20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming
weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 21, 2006)

Good one.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 21, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 21, 2006)

Just out of curiosity, has anyone used the icons at the bottom of posts (ie Wong this post, spurl this post, reddit, etc). What do they do? I'm afraid to just click on the icons and piss Gnomey off.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 21, 2006)

Something to do with saving posts I think...not too sure though


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 21, 2006)

Okay. So I didn't ask a dipsh!t question. I'll have to mark this day in my calendar.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2006)

It wouldn't piss me off but you might get one back at some point...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 21, 2006)

ok so who's gonna be the first to find out?


----------



## rochie (Nov 21, 2006)

a lady at a party said to winston churchill
"sir you are drunk"
"yes madam but in the morning i'll be sober but you will still be ugly"
he replied


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 21, 2006)

I think CCs right. You set up an account with these other sites and can archive wonderful posts from the world famous Lanc. No thanks.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 21, 2006)

Im always right... 8)


----------



## Henk (Nov 21, 2006)

k9kiwi said:


> Caution!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I will have fake wallets with a lot of shit in it not real money and then have one hell of a time, no here they drink up all your money, smoke up all your smokes and then you find out 9 months later you are a daddy.


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 21, 2006)

I use a contraceptive device these days.

Down here we call it a *WIFE*


----------



## Maestro (Nov 22, 2006)

rochie said:


> a lady at a party said to winston churchill
> "sir you are drunk"
> "yes madam but in the morning i'll be sober but you will still be ugly"
> he replied



I heard something similar about Churchill...

A lady come to his table and say :

"Sir, if I was your wife, I would put poison in your tea."
"Madam, if I was your husband, I would drink it" he replied.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 22, 2006)

k9kiwi said:


> I use a contraceptive device these days.
> 
> Down here we call it a *WIFE*


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 22, 2006)

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti
and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."


----------



## v2 (Nov 22, 2006)

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" 

"I remember that, too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 22, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 22, 2006)




----------



## Wildcat (Nov 22, 2006)




----------



## Maestro (Nov 22, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2006)

The 10 Best Borat Skits of All-Time :: CRACKED.com :: Humor, Parody, Satire More


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 23, 2006)

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. 
Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?" 
Donald frowned and said "No." 
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. 
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms. 
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald. 
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" 
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 23, 2006)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road",
explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the
circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 23, 2006)

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was
hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 23, 2006)

During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Frenchman was sent into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to launch. 
When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened his envelope and read the instructions: 
"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings, correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.
Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."

Then the Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following instructions:
"Feed the monkey."


----------



## v2 (Nov 24, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 24, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 24, 2006)

k9kiwi said:


> A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
> The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
> "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
> "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
> ...




I laughed so damn hard I went into coughing fits.


----------



## v2 (Nov 24, 2006)

I think the title says it all: 

10. Don't have to spend hours in the mall looking for accessories. The life support shop provides everything she needs. 

9. Arguments are a lot shorter because you both use acronyms to insult each other. 

8. She insists on buying a stroller with a gold plated canopy and the baby's name and callsign stenciled on the side. 

7. A conversation about boom vs probe-n-drogue refueling turns into a night of dirty talking. 

6. Her occupation takes her from 0-600mph in 18 seconds. 

5. She brings you souvenirs from deployments in the travel pod. Everything was frozen but its the thought that counts. 

4. She looks gorgeous in an evening gown or in a flightsuit. 

3. You would never be tempted to cheat because you know she can put a GBU-10 through the bedroom window. 

2. If she ever shoots down an enemy jet, you can spend the next 10 years telling everyone you meet "That was my wife!" 

And the number one reason to marry a female fighter pilot: 

1. She followed you into the men's room at the bar.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2006)

!!


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 24, 2006)

v2 said:


> I think the title says it all:
> 
> 10. Don't have to spend hours in the mall looking for accessories. The life support shop provides everything she needs.
> 
> ...



 Don't want to bust your balls v2, but you posted that one on Oct 8th. Still funny though.


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 24, 2006)

Jeez Matt

We will have to call you Lanc soon.

Thread Police.

Wasn't that a song by Cheap Trick?


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 25, 2006)

Guilty as charged. Heck I should know better, for I have actually accused Lanc of the same. So apologies Lanc.

And for those familiar with the song...

Thread police! They live inside my head.
Thread police! They come to me in my bed.
Thread police! They're coming to arrest me. Oh no!


----------



## Wurger (Nov 25, 2006)

and non aviation ones.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 25, 2006)

The train cartoon.


----------



## v2 (Nov 25, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Nov 25, 2006)

...


----------



## Wurger (Nov 25, 2006)




----------



## Henk (Nov 25, 2006)

He he he....... Where do you guys get all of this shit?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 26, 2006)

haha, love 'em all..........


----------



## Wurger (Nov 26, 2006)

On the other hand ...


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 26, 2006)




----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 26, 2006)

Ha


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 26, 2006)




----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 26, 2006)

A Kiwi builder was showing the new owners around their house he was just finishing building.

The lady was instructing him on the colours she wanted for each room.

Starting in the kitchen she said "A lovely light creamy yellow for this room".

The Kiwi walks to the front door and shouts *"GREEN SIDE UP"*.

Confused the couple move into the lounge, where the lady requests a neutral light green colour. The Kiwi walks back to the door and shouts *"GREEN SIDE UP"*.

After explaining the colours they wanted for the bathroom and hearing the Kiwi shout *"GREEN SIDE UP"* again, the couple were worried.

The lady asked the builder "Why is it every time I say a colour you shout out Green side up?.

"No worries" replies the Kiwi "I have got a couple of Aussies laying the lawn."


----------



## v2 (Nov 27, 2006)

....


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 27, 2006)

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go ask the flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant who was busy serving drinks. 

She smiled and asked, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy answered, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 27, 2006)

An oldie but goodie.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2006)

Yep


----------



## Wurger (Nov 28, 2006)

No comments...


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 28, 2006)

Wurger. Now I know you're married.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 28, 2006)

Apparently its me that steals the covers in the night...but why would I complain


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 28, 2006)

Because he sleeps on the other side of your bed? 

Sorry. Couldn't resist.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 28, 2006)

Dont confuse me more than I already am


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 28, 2006)




----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 28, 2006)

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.



"Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the
accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and
saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.


Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "And how are you feeling?"


----------



## Wildcat (Nov 29, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Nov 29, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Nov 29, 2006)

...


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 29, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Nov 29, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Nov 29, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Wurger. Now I know you're married.



   but I have my own quilt.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 29, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Nov 30, 2006)

....


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 30, 2006)




----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 30, 2006)

Heaven is where evrything is Italian. There is nothing French in heaven at all


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 30, 2006)

Not even foi gras?


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 30, 2006)

New Zealand Navy finaly shows its secret weapon.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 30, 2006)

Is that periscope in the upper left Lanc?


----------



## k9kiwi (Nov 30, 2006)

nah, he is one of the four skin divers.


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 30, 2006)

Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezin', mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother" says Murphy. He runs upstairs, and there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere, girls. Your Da's sent me up here to shag ye both."

"Fook off, you liar!"

"I'll prove it" says Murphy. So he shouts down the stairs:

"Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course! What's the use of fookin' one?"


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 30, 2006)

To my darling husband 

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

Honey, I am soooooo sorry but I know being the angel that you are you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife

XOXOX


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2006)

Poor Ferarri...


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 30, 2006)

.


----------



## Henk (Nov 30, 2006)

Nasty sh*t.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 1, 2006)

To much meat and cookies.


----------



## v2 (Dec 1, 2006)

The day after...


----------



## Pisis (Dec 1, 2006)

Two drunks at work - I reccommend it!!! Too funny!!! 
Super.cz: Vtípky


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 1, 2006)

Pisis said:


> Two drunks at work - I reccommend it!!! Too funny!!!
> Super.cz: Vtípky



I don't even need a translation. Drunks speak a universal language. Stupid. But funny.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 1, 2006)

"Hercules" and his big assistant.


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2006)

Yeah no translation is needed


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 1, 2006)

As the Irishman, Paddy, in the above might say, "Too drunk to fook".


----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 4, 2006)

worth a crack.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 5, 2006)




----------



## Wildcat (Dec 5, 2006)

I'm sure Sys will like that!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 5, 2006)




----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 5, 2006)

lanc would like it too...but for an entirely different reason


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 6, 2006)

Why Rumsfield got sacked.


----------



## Wildcat (Dec 6, 2006)

that's pretty funny!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2006)

Haha


----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 6, 2006)

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


----------



## Maestro (Dec 6, 2006)




----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 6, 2006)

My mate reckons him and the family are no longer welcome.


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 7, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Dec 7, 2006)




----------



## Matt308 (Dec 7, 2006)

Where is Bin Laden? He's on a nation wide golf vacation.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 7, 2006)

Things you don't see everyday...


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 7, 2006)

More...


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 7, 2006)

some more...


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 7, 2006)

more...


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 7, 2006)

Town in Austria...


----------



## Wildcat (Dec 7, 2006)

I love those!


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Dec 8, 2006)

steam


----------



## Wurger (Dec 8, 2006)

The road jokes are always funny.    

There Christmas ones.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 8, 2006)

and one which isn't a xmas joke...


----------



## v2 (Dec 8, 2006)

Ok, Wurger- Christmas theme:


----------



## Wurger (Dec 8, 2006)

He,he......


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 8, 2006)

Wurger said:


> and one which isn't a xmas joke...



You know your a hot chick when someone puts a mans head on your body and you can still recognize her.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 8, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 8, 2006)

i don't think she's _that_ fit.........


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 8, 2006)

Jesus Lanc. I can't quite figure you ought my friend. As you get older you will begin to realize that your youthful ideals are pure fantasy. And that your tastes will broaden.

Can you name a few famous people (so that we all can relate) that you do find attractive? All kidding aside. You have weighed in on a lot of female pics on this forum and I only recall once that you gave a mediocre review.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 8, 2006)

i could show you pictures of people i know that i think are _really_ fit but alas i wont  i'll think about the celebs i like though........


----------



## Maestro (Dec 8, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Can you name a few famous people (so that we all can relate) that you do find attractive? All kidding aside. You have weighed in on a lot of female pics on this forum and I only recall once that you gave a mediocre review.



It's true, I can remember back in the day of the "Lurvely Ladies Thread". He never posted a single picture of girls that he thought were cute. But he was always passing bad comments about other posters' choices.

Man, are you gay ? I think it's time for you to "get out of the closet".


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 9, 2006)

Let's have it Lanc. Post a human that meets your standards. Gay jokes aside, let's see what meets your bar.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 9, 2006)

Can I post Amy Lee pics then?


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2006)

You can but your not lanc...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 9, 2006)

tell me you wouldn't  (all i could think of off the top of my head)


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 9, 2006)

Oh I've seen him before.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 9, 2006)

No just kidding. They are both cute in their own ways. However, I...wait someone with a badge and gun are at my door...


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 10, 2006)

Pffft...


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 10, 2006)

You no like, CC? C'mon that redheaded gal is cute. You have to admit.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 10, 2006)

But, bet she won't be cute in 20 years.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 10, 2006)

Shes got a bit of a pie face. And I bet that is far from her real hair colour.
You could post pictures of a hundred different girls and I probably wouldnt find any of them attractive. Im odd like that


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 10, 2006)

I think that youth tends to make you like that. It'll change. And you don't think that freckled face is naturally a redhead? Man I do.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 10, 2006)

and by odd CC means queer as they come they're both fit as!


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 10, 2006)

Youth? Im 17 I think i've established my taste in women by now 

Amy is just the best. Except for my girlfriend.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 10, 2006)

I can think of several female musicians who are hotter than Amy Lee.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 11, 2006)

Hmmmm. 17 and you have established your taste in women huh CC.  I don't wish to come across as a know it all prick, but that was a funny statement. However, I think that both of us would be wasting our breath arguing about it. As for Amy Lee vs Adler's picks. I'm with you CC.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 11, 2006)

If you wake up in the morning and see this... You might wish to consider going back inside, having a cup of tea, and steeling yourself for what is likely to be a rather trying day.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 11, 2006)

Matt, Amy Lee is hot, but she is a fake gothic chick. She does it only for money and that is why I find the others more attractive. They have a more natural beauty.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 11, 2006)

She doesnt only do it for the money...She makes a lot of her own clothes and is far from some false character like many musicians are, they're precisely the kind of people she despises...

Thos pics are boring I find...Im not getting any sense of character from them...


----------



## Maestro (Dec 11, 2006)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> tell me you wouldn't  (all i could think of off the top of my head)



The second one isn't bad at all. However, the first one (as Matt humoristically stated) looks like a man.

And CC, your tastes for women will "evolute" with time, trust me on that. I'm 22 and I can tell you that my tastes evoluted.

Just yesterday, I was looking at the girls in my high school year book and on some of them I thought : "How could I have thought that this girl was cute ?" And it was only 5 years ago !


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 11, 2006)

And so it will continue. For those who doubt, eventually even CC and Lanc will find...[horror of horrors]...40 year old women attractive. Enjoy today gents. I don't criticize. For this man is mucho jealous of your age.

And with respect to Maestro's comment. Yeah I was joking. She is cute in her own way. Beautiful eyes.

And I won't comment on the redheads lips for fear that I might be arrested.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 11, 2006)

And Adler, no offense, I see your point, but Lacuna Coil chicks look a little hard core skanky. Though I have no doubt that they would be most satisfying, they aren't my type.


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 11, 2006)

They all suck. In the _bad_ way that is.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 12, 2006)

I like Christina form Lacuna Coil. She is great in Concert too!


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 12, 2006)

Christina is ok, but she has an unfortunate last name.

Would anyone else be disturbed when I tell them the only other girl I find attractive isnt even real, and if she was then she'd be dead?


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 12, 2006)

Couldn't you have posted that in the TPBM thread.  And that IS disturbing. But I'm intrigued. Who is it?


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 12, 2006)

The Corpse Bride


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 12, 2006)

how does my top woman look like a dude she's fit as!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 12, 2006)

Corpse Bride and Ms. Lee. I do see the resemblance. And their fit as!


----------



## Maestro (Dec 12, 2006)

cheddar cheese said:


> The Corpse Bride



Oh Goddamn... It just remembered me the movie "Nightwatch" with Ewan McGregor. This is sick !


----------



## Hunter368 (Dec 12, 2006)

Maestro said:


> And CC, your tastes for women will "evolute" with time, trust me on that. I'm 22 and I can tell you that my tastes evoluted.
> 
> Just yesterday, I was looking at the girls in my high school year book and on some of them I thought : "How could I have thought that this girl was cute ?" And it was only 5 years ago !



With time a persons ideas change on just about everything, not just women. But yes tastes in women 100% change as you get older.


----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 13, 2006)

For some reason, oh I don't know why, I will probably resist this until the maggots have cleaned my bones.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 13, 2006)

What about this hottie?


----------



## v2 (Dec 15, 2006)

Christmas time....


----------



## Wurger (Dec 15, 2006)

Matt and V2


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 17, 2006)

A young man was engaged to be married to a wonderful young woman. His fiance' had a sister and she was 18 and gorgeous. He hears a knock at his door and the hot sister is standing outside. He invites her in and offers her something to drink.

"I thought that I would stop by and let you know that I have had a crush on you ever since we first met", said the sister. "I recognize that you are about to marry my sister, but thought that perhaps before you formally committed to her, you might wish to have one last encounter. I understand you might have trepidation, so I'll go upstairs to your room get naked and slip into the bed. If you come up great. If you don't, that is fine too, and nothing will be said."

The sister leans over to push away from the table, exposing entirely too much cleavage and leaves the room heading up the stairs.

The man grabs his car keys and literally flies out the front door to his car, where his fiance' is waiting for him, standing with her arms crossed, leaning against his car. She says, "Congratulations. You have passed the test."

The moral of the story - Never keep your condoms in the car's glovebox.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 17, 2006)

Had to read it 3 or 4 times to understand it though for some reason


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Dec 18, 2006)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 18, 2006)

seen it before but the moral's always been *do* keep them in the glovebox!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 18, 2006)

I didn't want you to accuse me of posting a lame old joke. Figured a single word change would throw you off the track.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 18, 2006)

you don't get past me that easily


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 18, 2006)

I shoulda known better. My apologies for assuming I could pull one over on your superior intellect.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 18, 2006)

Quit feeding his ego


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 18, 2006)

It's okay CC. I think sheep are predispositioned towards large craniums.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 18, 2006)

Rubbish robber gets fingered
Friday, December 15, 2006

Making a late, but impressive, bid for the title of 2006's stupidest criminal is the man who tried to commit an armed robbery in Des Moines on Thursday. The one flaw in his otherwise perfect armed robbery plan was that he wasn't armed. 
Instead, he'd gone for the time-honoured method of sticking his hand in his coat pocket, pointing his fingers, and claiming it was a gun. 
Unfortunately, his gun-impersonating skills left something to be desired. Terry Cook, the store clerk he was trying to rob, commented: 'I knew it was his finger. I could see his thumb sticking out of his coat pocket.' 
When Cook pointed this out, the robbers' response was: 'It is a gun.' Quick as a flash, Cook came back with the riposte, 'No it isn't.' 
Before the conversation could degenerate any further into playground back-and-forth, the would-be robber decided to walk off, defeated. 
Cook pointed out in the aftermath where he felt his advtantage lay in the clash with the criminal. 'I know what a gun looks like,' he pointed out. 'I'm not stupid.' 
Sgt. David Coy, speaking for the Des Moines police, lent his skills of forensic analysis to the matter. 'Think about it,' he noted. 'When you play cops and robbers how do you hold your hand? With the thumb sticking up, right?' 

Ahhhhh. All that was missing was him saying...

"All right mother-stickers,this is a f**k-up. Put your asses over your head or I'll blow your hands off."


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 18, 2006)

The Bacon Tree



Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,

wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...... .





"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? 

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."





"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".



So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.



There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.





"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! 

Eet EES a bacon tree!"





"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget."







"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".



And with that ....Luis races toward the tree. 

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. 



It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.





"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."



"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?



"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree... 



Ees... 





Ees......... 









Ees....







Eees a Ham Bush!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 18, 2006)




----------



## Chief (Dec 19, 2006)

Here's a quote for you.

"Trying is the first step towards failure."
~~Homer Simpson~~


----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 19, 2006)

Try this one Chief.

"All sheep will STOP for Green."

~~Lanc~~


----------



## R-2800 (Dec 19, 2006)

i love the Bacon Tree


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 19, 2006)

Pope Goes on Vacation 


The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in thePope-mobile when he noticed a huge commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell With Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.

The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it's carcass onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off smiling, one of the loggers asked his buddies: Who the hell was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the first logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, how's the bait holding up -
do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 19, 2006)

Haha!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 19, 2006)

> >>> Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

> >>> "Yes. What can I do for you?"

> >>> "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil

> >>> Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!

> >>>

> >>> Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,

> >>> but he's hidin' it there."

> >>> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

> >>>

> >>> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on

> >>> Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

> >>> Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but

> >>> find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

> >>>

> >>> Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

> >>> "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

> >>> "Yeah!"

> >>>

> >>> "Did they chop your firewood?"

> >>> "Yep!"

> >>> "Happy Birthday, buddy!"


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 19, 2006)

Cute. 


There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.



Yeah, so it's lame. Sue me.
Anyone not get it?


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 19, 2006)

As an illectracal injuneer, I REALLY get it. I'm certain I heard Machiavellian boos from the gallery.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 20, 2006)

I've already known the joke.But it is always funny.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 20, 2006)

it's a favourite of IT teckies all over the world........


----------



## mkloby (Dec 20, 2006)

Nonskimmer said:


> Cute.
> 
> 
> There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.
> ...



First time i've ever seen that one - gave me a laugh.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 21, 2006)

.


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 21, 2006)

Another oldy, but a goody.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 21, 2006)

He,he,he.....


----------



## 102first_hussars (Dec 22, 2006)

Giving a cop the finger e+finger/ 

Its shocking and funny


----------



## Wurger (Dec 22, 2006)

He,he. It is a prove you shouldn't seek a quarrel with The Police. A frightened policeman is worse than a pitbull.


----------



## Pisis (Dec 22, 2006)

LOL!


----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 22, 2006)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon. 
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. 
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." 
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. 
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. 
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" 
The drunk replied, "'cause you're ugly."


----------



## mkloby (Dec 22, 2006)

nice one kiwi!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 22, 2006)

102first_hussars said:


> Giving a cop the finger e+finger/
> 
> Its shocking and funny



Not funny. I bet the cop thought those two fingers were going to be a gun. That DA looked much too old to pull a stunt like that. Where do these people live and what do they do for a living.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 22, 2006)

Pisis said:


> LOL!




Oh my God. Paint. The only saving grace for those two little crumb crunchers is they are cute. Otherwise, they may have met their demise. Funny only because it was not my kids.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 22, 2006)

And beautiful Kiwi. That one got me rolling.


----------



## Pisis (Dec 22, 2006)

LOL, look at that TV!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 22, 2006)

Can you imagine. Look at those hardwood floors. Oh man.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 22, 2006)

man how apesh!t would you go if they were your kids!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 22, 2006)

Pretty apeshit.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 23, 2006)

Yeah but who leaves a tin of paint around young mischevious children, its asking for trouble


----------



## mkloby (Dec 23, 2006)

cheddar cheese said:


> Yeah but who leaves a tin of paint around young mischevious children, its asking for trouble



Who the hell leaves two children that age alone long enough to do damage like that!?!?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 24, 2006)

maybe the parents wanted them to do that? did anyone considder that?


----------



## Pisis (Dec 24, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> Can you imagine. Look at those hardwood floors. Oh man.


Man I don't think the florr is that big deal - with a good acetone thinner you might be able to get rid of it. But the telly would piss me off very much...


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 24, 2006)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> maybe the parents wanted them to do that? did anyone considder that?



Please do tell what scenario you have dreamt up for this one, Lanc.

And Pisis, not sure about your hardwood floors, but mine have a nice swedish finish. Acetone would take that right off.


----------



## Pisis (Dec 25, 2006)

Matt308 said:


> And Pisis, not sure about your hardwood floors, but mine have a nice swedish finish. Acetone would take that right off.


Well you can try it, you're going to restore the floor anyway, if you'd be in his skin...


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 25, 2006)

You got that right!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 25, 2006)

The absurdity is truly mingboggling.


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 25, 2006)




----------



## Wurger (Dec 25, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Dec 25, 2006)

Actually that is sad...


----------



## Wurger (Dec 25, 2006)

A husband has come back home and found his wife and her lover in a bed.Taking a pistol, shot dead him immediately.The woman looked at the husband and said : "Now you know why you don't have any friends."


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 25, 2006)

what? their hands are showing! may Allah strike them down with ravenous goats!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 25, 2006)

Pigs, Lanc. Pigs. You really need to move on from mutton. There are so many other animals from which you might derive pleasure.


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 26, 2006)

For those who struggled with what to get their significant other for Christmas..


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA_


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 26, 2006)

damn that's funny  how the hell did you come across that one then


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2006)

Works if you have no money and no ideas I suppose....


----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 26, 2006)

My take on the subject.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 27, 2006)

some good ones in there........


----------



## Pisis (Dec 27, 2006)

LOL, one of our cats just drank up my mother's cup of coffee! LOOOOL!


----------



## Wurger (Dec 27, 2006)

What about milk or cream? I've heard about a very crafty cat that was able to drink off milk only from his owner's morning coffee.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 1, 2007)

.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 1, 2007)

Subject: Man Laws


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 



2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: 

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. 

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. 

c. After wrecking your boss' car. 

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". 

e. When she is using her teeth. 



3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed 
and eaten by his buddies. 



4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out 
of jail within 12 hours. 



5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off 
limits forever unless you actually marry her. 



6: Moaning about the brand of beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. 
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 



7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another 
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly 
optional. 



8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the 
weakest. 



9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask 
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 



10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought 
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of 
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 



11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic drink only when you're 
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and 
only when it's free. 



12: Only in situations of morale and/or physical peril are you allowed 
to kick another guy in the nuts. 



13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 



14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed. 



15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 




16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies 
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as 
much as the other sports watchers. 



17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must 
remain sober enough to fight. 



18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of 
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 



19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking 
about his choice of beer. 



20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting 
weights: 

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! 

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! 

c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 



21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: 
i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other 
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you 
need. 



22: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer 
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. 
Hang up if necessary. 



23: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" 
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and 
guilty i s no reason for you not to nail each other again before the 
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 



24: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for 
her to drive yours. 



25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for 
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an 
Xbox 360. End of story.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 1, 2007)

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
dragging the! frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease instead of one of the others?" 

"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 1, 2007)

Okay. I'm bored. Sue me.


----------



## Screaming Eagle (Jan 1, 2007)

Pisis said:


> Well it is popular that (mostly young) idiots like to wear t-shirts with this motherf****r and mass murder, just in case of "revolty"... Although they even don't know who he was. I very dislike these dumb people. We have the same here that a lot of people wear the palestinian scarves...



or people who wear The Ramones t-shirts.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 1, 2007)

i love them man rules but there's something very wrong about the frog joke!


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 1, 2007)

That's because the frog joke is just plain sick and demented. Thus, my favorite.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 1, 2007)

it'd be right up CC's street..........


----------



## v2 (Jan 2, 2007)

hard work...


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 2, 2007)




----------



## Nonskimmer (Jan 2, 2007)

I should e-mail that to my youngest niece. MMWWAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!! 

Maybe next Christmas.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 2, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Jan 4, 2007)

....


----------



## Wurger (Jan 4, 2007)




----------



## Pisis (Jan 5, 2007)

LOL


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 5, 2007)

A guy walks into the local welfare office and marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi… you know... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holidays trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull $hittin' me!" 

The social worker says, "Yeah, I am...but you started it."


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 5, 2007)

I swear I snorted.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 6, 2007)

so true...........


----------



## Pisis (Jan 6, 2007)

LOL: 
_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U2XjfmrSFY_


----------



## Wurger (Jan 6, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Jan 6, 2007)

What do you call... 

The aircraft pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." 

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, Did I hear that the Captian is a woman?

When the attendants came with the drink cart he asked, Did you say the Captain is a woman?

"Yes," said the attendant,
"In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and
sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." 

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We no longer call it the **** pit."

"It's the Box office."


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 6, 2007)

Pisis said:


> LOL:
> _View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U2XjfmrSFY_





Even the wife got a kick out of that one.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 6, 2007)

Haha


----------



## Wurger (Jan 6, 2007)

And then.....


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 7, 2007)

i don't get the shoes one........


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 7, 2007)

What? What didn't you get?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 9, 2007)

ah, i was on the other computer last time with a darker screen, couldn't read the help me, must be computer effects surely?


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 10, 2007)

No it is a standard joke done everywhere.

One day when the sheep are old and grey you will understand.


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 10, 2007)

A distraught Australian woman rushed into the local police station claiming she had been raped. 

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details. 
She told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he had on a helmet and gloves. 

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer," observed the policeman. 

"Oh, yes he was," replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman". 

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent ," said the Sergeant. 

"No," the woman said, 
"it was because he didn't stay in very long."


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 10, 2007)

Boooo.


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 11, 2007)

Boooo.?

Why. I slagged the English, and Cricket. The most boring inane game the planet has ever seen, aside from Golf, Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.

Hang on, Then there was American Football. Where else can you sit bored to tears over guys padded up the wazoo, play 1 hour of sport over 4 hours.

AND need three teams to accomplish this feat of NOT sweating?

Oh please, slit my wrists somebody.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 11, 2007)

Australian Foot RULES. Don't get to see it much here though. Is that popular in New Zealand too?


----------



## Screaming Eagle (Jan 11, 2007)

k9kiwi said:


> Boooo.?
> 
> Why. I slagged the English, and Cricket. The most boring inane game the planet has ever seen, aside from Golf, Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.
> 
> ...




I agree so much kiwi.


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jan 12, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Jan 12, 2007)

...


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 12, 2007)

Not sure I get the vodka ads.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 13, 2007)

Yes, me too...


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 13, 2007)

Me three...


----------



## Wurger (Jan 13, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Jan 13, 2007)

That's the humor? Okay. I can buy that.


----------



## mkloby (Jan 13, 2007)

Here's an oldie that always makes me laugh...

Why does the Navy use liquid soap in the showers???


It takes longer to pick up


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 13, 2007)

You could tell she was the Admirals Daughter...

She always had discharged seamen around her naval base.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 13, 2007)

Speaknf of Vodka, check this! 

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_pw9vik0BQ_


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 13, 2007)

love the navy jokes 

although over here the Navy now have the _fewest_ gays of all the armed forces............


----------



## mkloby (Jan 13, 2007)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> love the navy jokes
> 
> although over here the Navy now have the _fewest_ gays of all the armed forces............



There's no serious rationale behind it here - it's just pugilistic banter.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 13, 2007)

what gets me is the armed forces going to gay events like gay pride marches to recruit!


----------



## Pisis (Jan 13, 2007)

Hey! U didn't watch the vodka video! Watch it! It's an orda, privat!


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 13, 2007)

Nobody gets it, Pisis. Other than being funny for its total inanity, what is there to get?


----------



## Pisis (Jan 13, 2007)

R u watchin the vodka video Matt?


----------



## Pisis (Jan 13, 2007)

Damn, too late. I have to train to become the G-d of the Cyberspace...


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 13, 2007)

Well. Made my point, I think.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 13, 2007)

_Yumm, yumm..._


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 13, 2007)

Now that's funny. Not sure how that's related...but that's funny.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 13, 2007)

And this?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 14, 2007)

haha


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 14, 2007)

The rat looks tasty.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 14, 2007)

I am quite wondering what is the stuff in the plate in the left upper corner...


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 14, 2007)

Looks almost like shrooms.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 14, 2007)

If not liver or some toher organ... Blah!


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 14, 2007)

there's a deep fat fried rat and you're spewing your guts at the thought of liver?


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 14, 2007)

Liver can be used to make some good stuff, but I dont like eating liver by itself.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 14, 2007)

I hate to eat all bowels (Aufbruch). I'd puke...


----------



## mkloby (Jan 14, 2007)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Liver can be used to make some good stuff, but I dont like eating liver by itself.



I have read that some doctors warn against pregnant women eating organ meat, although I don't remember why(maybe the filtering out process they perform??)... just a heads up for you, Chris, when you decide it's time.


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## Pisis (Jan 14, 2007)

Well because liver is the body's filter, so you eventually eat up all the **** when you eat liver... Toxines, carcinomes, ****...


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 14, 2007)

Liver. Tripe. Menudo. Sweetbreads. Cow tongue.


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## Pisis (Jan 14, 2007)

Well, when I was a kid, I went to this somewhat a nanny. And once they tried to force me to eat a tripe soup. and I said "Plesae don't force me, or I'll throw up" but they didn't listen so I did literally the same thing as the smiley up there. With the only exception that there was more then just one victim.


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## Matt308 (Jan 14, 2007)

Well you warned them. My old man made tripe soup onetime. Nobody went near it. And he threw it out. He's strange that way with new foods.


----------



## Pisis (Jan 14, 2007)

Here we go with sickering our members...


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 14, 2007)

An oldie but goodie. Love that one.


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## k9kiwi (Jan 16, 2007)

My companies staff evaluation form....


Personnel Evaluation 


Knowledge 
1. The son of a bitch really knows his **** 
2. Knows just enough to be dangerous 
3. Only has half a brain is dangerous 
4. F*cking brain damaged, a turd has a higher i.q. 

Accuracy 
1. Does excellent work when not preoccupied With sex 
2. Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass 
3. Has to drop his pants to count higher than 10 
4. Couldn’t count his balls twice get the same answer 

Attitude 
1. Extremely cooperative (kisses ass often) 
2. Brown noser in poor standing 
3. Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it’s his job 
4. Doesn’t give a f*ck. Never did, never will 

Reliability 
1. Really a dependable little c*cksucker 
2. Can rely on him at evaluation time 
3. Guaranteed to be the first to un-ass the scene 
4. Totally f*cking worthless 

Appearance 
1 Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair 
2. Looks great when a hot blonde is watching him 
3. Dirty, filthy, smelly, nasty son of a bitch 
4. Flies leave fresh dog **** to follow him 

Performance 
1. Works like a slave when money is concerned 
2. Does o.k. if a TV camera is around 
3. Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes 
4. Couldn’t do less if he was in a f*cking coma 

Leadership 
1. Gets excellent results 
2. Occasionally gets told to get f*cked 
3. Mother Theresa would tell him to go suck a d**k 
4. Couldn’t lead a hungry pack of dogs to fresh meat


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 16, 2007)

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking
a Ceremonial Pipe and eyeing two U.S. Government officials sent to
interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the
white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering
all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied.

"When white man found this land, Indians were running it."

"No taxes."

"No debt."

"Our braves didn't die in far away lands."

"There were no fences, we had freedom to roam"

"Plenty buffalo."

"Plenty beaver."

"We did not need permission to build teepees or lodges."

"Women did all the work."

"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

"Food and clothing was free to take from nature."

"All night having sex."

Then Chief leaned back and smiled,

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


----------



## v2 (Jan 17, 2007)

Pisis said:


> _Yumm, yumm..._



and:


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 17, 2007)

that last one'll have the animal rights activists in fits!


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 17, 2007)

I thought you would be excited.

Closest to hot pu$$y you have got so far.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 17, 2007)

Ugh. I'm not an animal rights dude by ANY stretch. But that last one bothered me.


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jan 18, 2007)

Which is easier to unload out of a truck?

A truck full of bowling balls or a truck full of dead babies?

Dead Babies- because you can use a pitch fork


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 18, 2007)

............


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## Matt308 (Jan 18, 2007)

You know it's time to give up the thong, when...


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 18, 2007)

Thor the God of Thunder came down to earth and decided to have his way with one of the Vestial Virgins.

Afterwards he thought he would tell her who had taken her virginty.

He turned to her and said.. "I am Thor."

She Replied.. "Tho am I but it Wath Fun."


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 18, 2007)




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## Pisis (Jan 19, 2007)

I don't understand that one...


----------



## v2 (Jan 19, 2007)

....


----------



## Wurger (Jan 19, 2007)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Jan 19, 2007)

What is more shocking than 100 babies nailed to one tree?

1 baby nailed to a hundred trees


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 19, 2007)

What's with the dead baby jokes?

And does anyone else wonder about the F-16 canopy hinged at the top? Didn't look like a photoshop change to me.

And Pisis, just say it with a lisp.

He turned to her and said.. "I am sore (Thor)."

She Replied.. "So (Tho) am I but it was (Wath) Fun."


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 20, 2007)

that's not funny


----------



## Pisis (Jan 20, 2007)

Still dont understand. Well I do but don't consider it that much funny...

But this is Rav 2


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 20, 2007)

I never said it was funny, just a joke.


----------



## merlin (Jan 20, 2007)

You do not have to be an 'activist' to find the cat picture earlier featured nauseating, only a normal human being.
How sad that someone can find amusement in the potential suffering of an animal that has little choice. Many peoples lives are enriched by the company of their animal companions, and in caring for these animals are better people.


----------



## plan_D (Jan 20, 2007)

Have you just said that someone without a pet is less of a person than someone with a pet?


----------



## syscom3 (Jan 20, 2007)

Stranded on a Deserted Island


On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Scotsmen and 1 Scots woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy /liquor store / restaurant/laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Scotsmen set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Jan 20, 2007)




----------



## Screaming Eagle (Jan 20, 2007)

that was good sys, heres another:

a couple who have sex always do it without the light on. The wife always asks her husband to do it with the lights on. "No I don't like to do it that way" he replies. 

So when they are doing it she turns the lights on. she then sees her husband doing her with a dildo. Shocked and surprised she asks him what he is doing. He then says to her "I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids"


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 20, 2007)




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## Screaming Eagle (Jan 20, 2007)

heres another one:

a woman rings her husband up at work. She said "I've got good news and bad news".

Being very busy the husband says "give me the good news".

"Well" says the wife " you will be happy to know that the airbags work....."


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 20, 2007)

Pick out your politician. Carter, Clinton (D*ck), Bush, Rumsfield, Powell, Blair...

[Sorry Adler. Too large.]


----------



## Glider (Jan 21, 2007)

At the hospital I attend my consultant is Russian, she's very good, knows her stuff and her English is very good but sometimes she doesn't have the right word.
One thing that has been rammed home to me is that with my cancer, is if I feel any irritation in a key area such as under the arms, neck and groin I should tell her immediately. Well under my left arm I had some irritation so of course told her.
Immediately she got one of her junior doctors to pull the curtains around the bed and she checked the key spots.
Then she stood up and said in a loud voice, 'No no there is nothing to worry about, the only thing wrong with your armpit, is that its got nappy rash.'

Silence fell in the ward as everyone heard and one of the other patients muttered ' Thats pretty impressive, ing, but impressive'

Everyone fell about laughing, me, the other patients, the nurses and the junior doctors with her, poor woman didn't get it.

In case your wondering, it was a heat rash


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## Glider (Jan 21, 2007)

ing = d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 21, 2007)

love the desert island joke


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 21, 2007)

Nice ones SE and Glider


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## Screaming Eagle (Jan 21, 2007)

Thanks Gnomey, I aim to please.


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## Screaming Eagle (Jan 21, 2007)

Thanks Gnomey, I aim to please.


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## v2 (Jan 22, 2007)

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment. Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening. She replies: "Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again".


----------



## Pisis (Jan 22, 2007)

LOOL, you keep posting jokes that could be posted only by a hardcore aviation fan... Professional deformation!


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 22, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Jan 22, 2007)

Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth! 

This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" 

Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked sourly at the one whose wish had been granted. 

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: 

"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."


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## Matt308 (Jan 22, 2007)

Now that was funny!!


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## v2 (Jan 22, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2007)

Haha


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## k9kiwi (Jan 22, 2007)

Mind you, if it was Budwieser the genie chose, you could piss in it all day, and never notice a change in the flavour.


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## v2 (Jan 22, 2007)




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## Wurger (Jan 22, 2007)




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## Matt308 (Jan 22, 2007)




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## Henk (Jan 22, 2007)

He he he...........


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## Screaming Eagle (Jan 22, 2007)

heres what the beer is like in Aus


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## k9kiwi (Jan 22, 2007)

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia and Minnesota.

AND in some parts of the south of England too.


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## v2 (Jan 23, 2007)

Barber...

An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay. 

"No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." 

The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: 

"No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." 

The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: 

"No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." 

The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep ... three more Air Force colonels.


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## Gnomey (Jan 23, 2007)




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## Pisis (Jan 23, 2007)

Hehehe


----------



## Wurger (Jan 23, 2007)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 23, 2007)

very good.........


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## Pisis (Jan 23, 2007)

I made these a few moments ago...


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 23, 2007)

the funniest thing in them pictures are them slippers, man i'd love some of them


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## Pisis (Jan 23, 2007)

What slippers?


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 23, 2007)

the only pair of slippers in the shots


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## Matt308 (Jan 23, 2007)

I need some too. My sheepskin slippers are wore out. Nice kitty slippers would do nicely me thinks.


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## Pisis (Jan 24, 2007)

Was that supposed to be the next joke or not?


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## Matt308 (Jan 24, 2007)

Pisis, you know I don't like cats. It was a joke.


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## v2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Toys 18+ ofcourse


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## k9kiwi (Jan 24, 2007)

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. 

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. 

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. 

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" 

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" 

He said, "I want 5 loaves. 

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shyte but me."


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 24, 2007)




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## Udet (Jan 24, 2007)

As two hunters walk through the rain forest, one of them feels like taking a pee. While urinating he fails to detect a poisonous snake right on the spot he chose to urinate...the snake attacks and bites him in his penis.

The guy falls down in pain and yells to his hunter comrade "a snake just bit me!! call for help!!"...the other hunter grabs his satellite phone and calls the hunting camp located more than 50 miles from their location and asks for the camp doctor and tells him about the mishap asking for emergency directions to help his bitten comrade...

THE CONVERSATION (from the bitten guy´s perspective)

Hunter (H): Doctor Claude Jean-Pierre Mboma? My friend got just bitten by what seems to be a poisonous snake!!!
Doctor (D): (unhearable)
H: It´s his penis....
D: (unhearable)
H: No we did not bring any first aid kit....
D: (unhearable)
H: Some 50 miles away from where you are doctor...
D: (unhearable)
H: Please tell me what are our options are!!!!
D: (unhearable) -he then notices his friend´s eyes become wide open-
H: Tha..tha...that´s the only alternative available??? -he shows his back to the bitten guy and lowers his voice-, You are not being serious are you doctor?
D: (unhearable)

Then the bitten mate explodes "what does he say???? tell me!!!!"...the guy hungs up and responds: "that you are going to die".


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## Matt308 (Jan 24, 2007)

I've heard that theme before in a different joke, but can't place it. Good one.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Jan 25, 2007)

....


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## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2007)

Interesting landing


----------



## v2 (Jan 25, 2007)

Gnomey said:


> Interesting landing



If you have a good teacher every bit of it is possible...


----------



## Pisis (Jan 25, 2007)

Almost like a comics.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 25, 2007)

Good one!


----------



## Udet (Jan 25, 2007)

A man was so short he was nicknamed "the helicopter", because everytime he farted a cloud of dust would be lifted.


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 25, 2007)

Boooooo.


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 25, 2007)

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house
on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who all hugged
and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for
$500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an
18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of
30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She
took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles
and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, but what's the $5 for?"

Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for
you". "I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F--k him. Give him five bucks." She smiled shyly and said,
"The breakfast was my idea."


----------



## Udet (Jan 25, 2007)

Matt: yes, the joke about the poisonous snake bite in the utterly vital crotch area was very good indeed.


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 25, 2007)

Wonder if the pilot knows.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Jan 26, 2007)

I'm almost positive this has been posted before, but it deserves another round.
____________________________________________________________



>Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

>"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

> 

>His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find

>that's a sheep, you freaking idiot."

> 

>The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you b*tch."


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 27, 2007)

yes been posted before  still good, as is the postman one


----------



## v2 (Jan 29, 2007)

...


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 29, 2007)

San Francisco Gay Pride Parade?


----------



## Pisis (Jan 29, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> I'm almost positive this has been posted before, but it deserves another round.
> ____________________________________________________________
> 
> 
> ...


Shouldn't be headache but periods!!!


----------



## Wurger (Jan 30, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> San Francisco Gay Pride Parade?




I think they are training landing and taking off with a new kind of a simulator.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2007)

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 30, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Jan 30, 2007)

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2007)




----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 30, 2007)

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French Customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. 

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. 

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport Ready." 

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." 

"Impossible. Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" 

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard Look. Then he quietly explained. 

"Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


----------



## Henk (Jan 30, 2007)

Ha ha ha.............. Great one there k9kiwi.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2007)

yeah good one kiwi!


----------



## Nonskimmer (Jan 30, 2007)

That _is_ good, but I'd always heard that one with an American in place of the Canadian. I was told it was based on an actual occurance.

God, I hope so.


----------



## Wurger (Jan 31, 2007)




----------



## Pisis (Jan 31, 2007)

Good page!


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 31, 2007)

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower -Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.


As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."


KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."


Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.


Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"


"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.


"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you 
beer?"


Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."


She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 31, 2007)

that's harsh


----------



## k9kiwi (Feb 1, 2007)

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to 
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even 
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true 
this is. 

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes 
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San 
Antonio City Park. 

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was 
visiting from Springfield, IL. 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili 
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and 
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for 
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was 
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili 
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have 
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event: 
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI 

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato Amusing kick. 

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You 
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to 
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are 
crazy. 


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. 

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken 
seriously. 

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure 
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two 
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush 

in more beer when they saw the look on my face. 



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI 

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. 

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. 

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose 
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by 
now Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the 
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting 
****-faced from all of the beer. 


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC 

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for 
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was 
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, 
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 
lb woman is starting to look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste 
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? 



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER 


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, 
adding considerable kick. Very impressive. 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must 
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead 
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind 
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her 
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from 
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder 
if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other 
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. 


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY 


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. 
Good balance of spices and peppers. 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, 
garlic. 
Superb. 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with 
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm 
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to 
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I 
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. 



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI 


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned 
peppers. 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can 
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am 
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he 
is cursing uncontrollably. 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and 
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world 
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with 
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of 
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know 
what killed me. 

I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. 
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll 
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. 


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI 

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too 
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither 
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top  
of himself. 
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have 
reacted to really hot chili? 

Judge # 3 - No Report


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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2007)

LMAO!


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## cheddar cheese (Feb 1, 2007)

Ha! Thats great


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## k9kiwi (Feb 1, 2007)

Now THAT is my kind of bike.


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## Udet (Feb 1, 2007)

A tax inspector visits the office of a gentleman -taxpayer- to seek clarification upon the last income tax filed with the revenue office.

Tax Inspector: (TI) Good morning Mr. Krinkle, as a tax inspector of the revenue office is that i seek immediate clarification upon your last tax return...we´ve noticed you are entitled to a refund...there must be some mistake here because we´ve gathered a huge file regarding land parcels, houses, apartments, beach houses and large buildings you´ve acquired in the last months..

Gentleman (G): No, there is nothing incorrect here...all real estates and land were acquired by gambling...i am a professional gambler.

(TI): Gamgling? Do i look like i still suck my thumb Mister? Come on...a large luxury appartment in Rockefeller Plaza only two weeks ago??

(G): You are right...but it´s a gambling winning mister...

(TI): You c*cksucker!!! What about the condo in Los Cabos acquired barely two months ago huh???? Gambling too right??

(G): Yes...gambling winning...let me explain all this to you Mr. Jealous Inspector...i bet you 500 dollars i can bite one of my eyes...

(TI): What?? Are you kidding me? How will you do that??

(G): Do you bet or not?

(TI): Ok you tax evasor...i will have me 500 dollars...go ahead!

The gentleman pulls a prosthetic glass eye out of the eye orbit and bites it...
The tax inspector pulls out 500 dollars from his wallet and pays the lost gamble...

(TI): Ok, this is all very nice and smart, but you will not continue telling me all these goods are of your property as a cosequence of playing this magician wanna be tricks huh?

(G): Well i am gambling all the time...and make all kinds of bets...i bet you another 500 dollars i can bite my other eye...

(TI): HHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! You clown...you can not have another prosthetic because you are not blind...i´ll get my 500 back...i am in!!

The gentleman pulls out his artificial denture and bites one of his eyes...the tax inspector pays another 500...

(TI): Ok, you got me again...but i warn you all these goods can not be...

The Gentleman interrupts

(G): It all depends on the amount of money that becomes part of the gamble...want to bet 500,000 i have square testicles?

(TI): Unless you escaped from some sort of alien circus to then crash onto planet earth having square balls is impossible...i am in!

(G): Ok, go ahead and touch them.

The tax inspector proceeds to touch the balls of the taxpayer to realize his balls are completely normal...like oval...

(TI): See???? HUH?? You can not have all those goods because from time to time you might lose the gamble, like righ now!!!

The gentleman pays 500,000 dollars in cash to the tax inspector...

(G): But you will see...there is always a compensation...see that large group of people bursting in laughter looking into our room through the glass behind you? I bet them 2,000,000 dollars i could have a tax inspector grabbing my balls.


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## k9kiwi (Feb 2, 2007)

The Kiwi Farmer

A Kiwi farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the young man, who appears to be a wannabe yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
the farmer .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Member of Parliament with the Green Party, says the farmer . 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer . "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd
of sheep. Now give me back my dog!


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## k9kiwi (Feb 2, 2007)

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006 . 


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the Street corner. 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


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## Gnomey (Feb 2, 2007)

Where do you find all of these Kiwi?


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## k9kiwi (Feb 2, 2007)

I am a member of a couple of international Firefighter forums.

We have a twisted sense of humour at the best of times.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 3, 2007)




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## cheddar cheese (Feb 3, 2007)

Haha thats pretty good for a complex joke


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 3, 2007)

i'm gonna assume they chose the Irish simply because they're easy pickings?


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## k9kiwi (Feb 3, 2007)

Did the part where it said "best joke in *Ireland* 2006" go ZOOOOOOM over the wee heads?

As opposed to "best Irish joke in 2006"


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## v2 (Feb 4, 2007)

My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came
up--- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet,
so when the teacher prodded him about his father's work,
he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret
and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they
put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is real
good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly
set the other children to work on some exercises and then
took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about
your father?"

"No," the boy said, " He works for the Democratic Nat'l
Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our
next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in
front of the other kids."


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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2007)




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## Udet (Feb 4, 2007)

The patient receives a phone call from his doctor:

(P) Doctor? What is it?
(Dr.) We have interpreted the lab test results....i have a bad news good news scenario for you...
(P) Please Doctor...you are scaring me...what is it?
(Dr.) First the good news...you have 24 hours left before you die...the test results indicate this.
(P) Those were the good news? Can there be anything more terrible than that? 
(Dr.) That we´ve been trying to reach since yesterday...


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## Matt308 (Feb 4, 2007)

that's sick. Funny. But sick.


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## Udet (Feb 4, 2007)

A good french man, a real gentle man, the ordinary citizen who pays his taxes was taking a walk down the Champs Elysess at night...the area was full of tourists and people, bursting with activity.

As he passed some alley a huge black guy jumped him, grabbed him by the neck at gunpoint...and shouted "give me a blowjob or i´ll have you shot".

The following conversation ensued:

(Citizen): What? A blowjob?? No please no...here, have my rolex watch, my mobile phone and my wallet please...look i have 500 euros in cash...
(Black Guy): -with the gun barrel pointing at the man´s forehead- I SAID...GIVE ME A BLOWJOB OR DIE HERE!!!
(C): No way i am doing it!!
(BG) -The black guy pressed the barrel against his forehead even harder, unlocking the trigger lock *CLICK*-
(C): -weeping- OK OK OK!!! I´ll do it!!

The guy started giving the black guy the demanded the blowjob...as he received the blowjob the black guy began moaning and breathing, putting both his hands down, trapped in pleasure...

(C): Monsieur...could you please put the gun barrel back at my forehead? I do not want people to think i am queer...


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## Matt308 (Feb 4, 2007)

Borderline inappropriate. But funny.


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## Udet (Feb 4, 2007)

A girl goes to a bar after a hard day at work. There she starts conversating with a very handsome guy. After an hour or so, he invites her to go to his place and have some more drinks in a more comfortable place...

As he showed her the place, she noticed that his living room has several wooden shelfs filled with dolls and teddy bears of all colors, styles and sizes...the lower shelf has small dolls and teddy bears, the middle shelf had medium size dolls and the upper shelf has the biggest dolls and teddy bears...

The girl thought to herself "awwwww...isn´t it sweet???!!!!!!!"...

They started kissing, and after a few minutes all clothing flew away and proceeded to make it.

When finished, she was resting her head on the chest of such tender and sweet guy, "they are so rare these days...", and asked him: "so, how was it? liked it?". 

The guy responded: "Not bad...you can take your prize from the middle shelf and leave. Thank you".


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 4, 2007)

there're a few problems with the French joke though

#1



> A good french man



such a thing does not exist

#2



> No way i am doing it!!



A frenchman wouldn't even need a gun to his head to make him do it!

oh i love broad sweeping statements


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## Udet (Feb 4, 2007)

A guy decided he needed a penis enlargement surgery. Doctors suggested the most appropriate procedure should be the one of implating the trunk of a little elephant that had just died in the city zoo.

The operation was carried out succesfully. He then decided to test his penis; first thing he did was to invite a gorgeous friend of his out for dinner. They went to a Chinese restaurant, and it was there where problems started.

As soon as the waitress put the plate with the egg rolls on the table, the little trunk unzipped his pants, suddenly appeared over the table, grabbed one egg roll to then disappear back under the table.

She could not believe her eyes and said "My god!!! This is unbelievable!! Can you do that again?".

His response was: "Ummmm...unlikely, i do not think there is room for another egg roll inside my a*s".


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## Gnomey (Feb 5, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Feb 5, 2007)

THE HUSBAND STORE 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 
2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the 
shopper ascends. 
3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may 
choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to 
exit the building! 

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men 
have jobs. 
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love 
kids. 

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, 
and are extremely good looking. 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. 

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have 
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" 
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men 
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with housework, 
and have a strong romantic streak. 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the 
sign reads: 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are 
no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women 
are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a new wives 
store just across the street, also with six floors and the same 
rules. 

The first floor has wives that love sex. 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. 

The third through sixth floors have never been visited!


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## Gnomey (Feb 5, 2007)

Haha!


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## Udet (Feb 5, 2007)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> there're a few problems with the French joke though
> 
> #1
> 
> ...




Right Lanc. You got the point.


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## Udet (Feb 5, 2007)

A man went on a month long cruise that took him to the solomon islands and across the southwest pacific. One night the order to abandon ship was given and the cruise ship sank; the man was held afloat by a raft...the next day he made it to the beach of a deserted island.

After a few days of wandering across the place, he saw what in the distance seemed to be a woman sitting on the beach....as he got close to the figure he discovered the woman was Jennifer Lopez. She told him she too had been on board the sunk cruise ship: they were the only ones who survived the sinking.

Being a celebrity, she did not bother that much in speaking to the man...she barely looked at him....but as weeks, and months passed she was cronfronted with reality and accepted the idea she needed that man to survive.

After many many months of being in the island, they kissed for the first time; a few weeks after the first kiss they finally had sex. It became their daily routine.

One day, the man said to her:

(Man): Jennifer can i ask you a big favour? Well...actually there are 3 favours i´d like to ask you...
(Jennifer): Maybe...what is it?
(M): Favour number one....do you mind if i call you Jack?
(J): Ummm...no, i don´t mind...an easy favour...and the other two?
(M): Would you mind wearing one of those mens suits and fake moustaches that washed ashore in lugagge after the ship sank?
(J): That´s weird...but yes, i can do that...and the last one?
(M): Ok, your name is Jack and you will wear the suit and fake moustache; now you will stay here and i will go in that direction down the beach, then i will walk back to where you are...
(J): Agreed...

So, the man walks away from where Jennifer Lopez (now Jack) is, and begins his walk back to where she (he) is....

(M): Jack!!!
(J): Hey!! How are you?
(M): You will not believe it but i´ve been screwing Jennifer Lopez for months!!!!!


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## v2 (Feb 6, 2007)

winter in Poland:


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## k9kiwi (Feb 6, 2007)

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some ones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's goig to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.


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## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2007)

True


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## Udet (Feb 7, 2007)

Three brothers crossed the border together -illegaly- and once inside the territory of the U.S.A. they followed different directions...one of the brothers went to Orange County, the second one stayed in Arizona and the third one reached New York.

After 30 years of staying in the U.S.A. all three became wealthy and noted businessmen in the cities where they lived. During all those years of absence, the father of the brothers died in the small distant home village in Oaxaca; the mother remained a poor and old widow.

One day the son that was living in California, where he became a brilliant architect, decided to visit her mother in Oaxaca.

Son # 1: "Mother i have issued orders to the chairman of my company he buys you the Mercedez Benz SLR Mc Laren and a Jaguar which will be brought down here. I know you have never been in a car, so a driver exclusively for you will be brought with the cars too. Both cars make a total of USD $ 600,000"

And the son flew back to his home in Orange County.

Another day, the son living in Arizona, where he had become a noted software developer, decided to visit her mother in Oaxaca.

Son # 2: "Mother i have engaged one of the most important architect firms in Mexico City to come here in the village and build a massive mansion for you. It will have swimming pools, gardens, gym, home theather, a large kitchen, and lots of bedrooms. The cost of the project will be USD 2.5 million."

And the son flew back to his home in Arizona.

Finally, the visit of the son who was living in NYC came -there, he had become the owner of a large restaurant chain-.

Son # 3: "Dear mother, i know you are a very very religious and conservative person...also i do not forget you never went to school, so you are iliterate...you have always had the bible by your side, but you can not read... here, have this unique and very rare parrot that was brought from the Amazon rain forest...it knows the whole bible in spanish, also in latin and arameic...it will tell you the Bible: old and new testament everytime you demand it...the price of the parrot was USD $ 4 million."

A few months after the visits of their sons, the mother called each of her sons:

Mom to the Orange County guy: "Dear Son, thank you very much for the cars, but the driver tells me it is impossible to drive them because as you know it rains throughout the year here...and we have no streets...so i have never been in the cars and besides that there is nothing to do in this town..."

Mom to the Arizona guy: "Oh my dear son, it seems like the big house the people who came here built is very pretty...but you know it is too big, and do not forget my legs ache and i can not walk that very much now...there are parts of this house that i´ve never been to...but thank you."

Mom the the NYC son: "Ohhhh my son!!!! You were the only one who really understood my needs...thank you for such a beautiful gift!! Let me tell you that the bird you gave me was delicious...we cooked the bird and the roast was great, it still makes my mouth water...thank you!"


----------



## v2 (Feb 9, 2007)

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. 

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" 

The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I 'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc." 

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" 

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" 

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!" 

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" 

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" 

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?" 

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too." 

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?" 

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon." 

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?" 

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


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## Udet (Feb 9, 2007)

Good one v2!


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## Gnomey (Feb 9, 2007)

Haha!


----------



## Udet (Feb 9, 2007)

v2 if you know more keep them coming.

Gnomey say, did you understand the joke about the three brothers who crossed the border illegaly to became wealthy and stuff?


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## Henk (Feb 9, 2007)

It was a easy joke to understand Udet.


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2007)

^Yeah.


----------



## Matt308 (Feb 13, 2007)

Only my Alabama kin and Texas buddies will relate to this one...

______________________________________________________

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these
rules:



1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did MORE

work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.



2. It's called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going

to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.



3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,
don't

wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.



4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.

Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.



5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead

breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout
you fish for -- bait.



6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.



7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards (ducks) are making
their

final approach, we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure
it's not up to your ear at the time.



8. No, there's no Vegetarian Special on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare.

Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.



9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is really,

really sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it
unsweetened -- add a LOT of water.



10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice.



11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.

We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine (it's farm equipment)

that we only use two weeks a year.



12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop

when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.



13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah,
even breakfast).

We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school
football games

on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with yes, sir and yes,
ma'am, and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends
and neighbors.



14. We don't do hurry up well.



15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them.

You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.



16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp..

You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.



17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it -- pig
farms -- income -- money?

Get over it. Don't like the smell? Interstate 77 goes two ways Interstate
20 goes the other two. Pick one.



18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper

on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want

Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-20 west.



19. The Opener refers to the first day of deer season or dove season.

Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage

before daylight at the church on either day.



20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?



21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the

fish and bothers the gators...and if you hit it in the rough, we have
these

things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.



22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot

...his name is Sir, no matter how young he is.



23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them.

You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your
hood..



24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.

The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --

enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up
the flag burner.



25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up
there, why not stay there?



26. And no, down here we don't have an accent, you do.


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## Matt308 (Feb 13, 2007)

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realises she
is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation
washes
over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip
or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with
excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT
next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to
maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at
this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American
men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian
who is
most likely to possess that distinction. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek
descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, holding out his hand. "Tonto
Papadopoulos."


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## v2 (Feb 13, 2007)

An F-16 pilot died at the controls of his aircraft and went to pilots' 
hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. 

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished. 

Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. 

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. 

"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?" 

"Um,I want door number 3," answered the pilot. 

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 13, 2007)

Hell

That reminds me of this song that we used to listen to back when I was in the Army. We even made a Crew Chief version and the pilots would sing this song and we would sing the crew chief song.

It was all in fun though. The pilots allways got along with the crew chiefs in our unit. It was like a happy family.

Here is the song. I am sure you will get a laugh out of it.


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM3vLer6YFg_


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## Matt308 (Feb 13, 2007)

Now that was FUNNY!


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## v2 (Feb 13, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Feb 13, 2007)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 13, 2007)

Here is another one from the same guys, that I thought was very funny about a possible WW3 scenerio:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQzyXZTx3_A_


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## k9kiwi (Feb 13, 2007)

A REDNECK VALENTINE 

Collards is green, 
my dog's name is Blue, 
and I'm so lucky 
to have a sweet thang like you. 

Yore hair is like cornsilk 
a-flapping in the breeze. 
Softer than Blue's 
and without all them fleas. 

You move like the bass, 
which excite me in May. 
You ain't got no scales 
but I luv you anyway. 

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry 
jist a-fry'n in the pan. 
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" 
right out of the can. 

You have some'a yore teeth, 
for which I am proud; 
I hold my head high 
when we're in a crowd. 

On special occasions, 
when you shave under yore arms, 
well, I'm in hawg heaven, 
and awed by yore charms. 

Still them fellers at work, 
they all want to know, 
what I did to deserve 
such a purdy, young doe. 

Like a good roll of duct tape 
yo're there fer yore man, 
to patch up life's troubles 
and fix what you can. 

Yo're as cute as a junebug 
a-buzzin' overhead. 
You ain't mean like those 
far ants I found in my bed. 

Cut from the best cloth 
like a plaid flanned shirt, 
you spark up my life 
more than a fresh load of dirt. 

When you hold me real tight 
like a padded gunrack, 
my life is complete; 
Ain't nuttin' I lack. 

Yore complexion, it's perfection, 
like the best vinyl sidin', 
despite all the years 
yore age, it keeps hidin'. 

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie 
with a RC cold drank, 
we go together 
like a skunk goes with stank. 

Some men, they buy chocolate 
for Valentine's Day; 
They git it at Wal-Mart, 
it's romantic that way. 

Some men git roses 
on that special day, 
from the cooler at Kroger. 
"That's impressive," I say. 

Some men buy fine diamonds 
from a flee market booth. 
"Diamonds are forever," 
they explain, suave and couth. 

But for this man, honey, 
these won't do. 
Cause yor'e too special, 
you sweet thang you. 

I got you a gift, 
without taste nor odor, 
more useful than diamonds... 
It's a new troll'n motor!


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## 102first_hussars (Feb 13, 2007)

... If u have sex 365 times a year and u melted down all the condoms tomake a tire what would u call it?..................................... a goodyear!


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## v2 (Feb 14, 2007)




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## Aggie08 (Feb 14, 2007)

A Texas Aggie went to Harvard for grad school. He comes struttin' up to a bunch of young gentlemen who are wearing slacks and bowties, and says "Howdy! Could you tell me where the library's at?" The men stare down this fellow and say in their most proper English, "Sir, here at Harvard, we don't end our sentences with prepositions." The Aggie thinks for a second, then says, "Ok. Could you tell me where the library's at, jackass?"



A Japanese man was attempting to convert his yen into American dollars. 

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?" 

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" . 

The Asian guy is taken aback and says, "Well fluc you white people too!"


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## v2 (Feb 14, 2007)

The Biggest Lies in the Air Force...

Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here. 
Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help. 
Me? I've never busted minimums. 
I have no interest in flying for the airlines. 
We will be on time, maybe even early. 
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys. 
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons. 
All that turbulence spoiled my landing. 
I'm a member of the mile high club. 
I only need glasses for reading. 
I broke out right at minimums. 
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR. 
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly. 
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights. 
We shipped the part yesterday. 
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot. 
All you have to do is follow the T.O. 
This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent. 
The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services. 
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft. 
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument. 
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized. 
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it? 
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock. 
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training. 
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong? 
I thought YOU took care of that. 
I've got the field in sight. 
I've got the traffic in sight. 
Of course I know where we are. 
I'm SURE the gear was down.


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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2007)




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## Pisis (Feb 14, 2007)

LMFAO, that one cracked me up:


> I only need glasses for reading.


 LOL!


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## k9kiwi (Feb 14, 2007)

After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and La Leche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by his wife's bedside throughout labor and delivery.

Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife's hand afterward and said emotionally, "Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth." 

"Okay, honey," his wife replied. "Smile as hard as you can." 

Beaming down beautifully at his wife and newborn child, the man commented, "That's not so hard." 

She continued, "Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth." He obeyed, smiling broadly. 

"Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go," she went on. 

"Still not too tough," he remarked. 

"Right," she snapped. "Now pull them over your head."


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## marconi (Feb 16, 2007)

Check this!
Don't these guys look similar?

















If you haven't figured out who they are - they're Leonardo DiCaprio and Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin).


----------



## Screaming Eagle (Feb 16, 2007)

heres one:

A woman put in a personal ad in her local paper, It contained:

looking for a man
must not beat me
must not run out on me
and must be good in bed

a couple of days go by with many unsuccessful applicants until she hears her doorbell ring. To her suprise its a man with all of his limbs missing. She then asks "what are you doing here". The man replies "I have come to answer the personal ad". She then says

"you have no arms"
"so I cant beat you up" the man replies
"ok, but you have no legs"
"so I cant run out on you" the man says.
Curious the woman then says "how do I know you are good in bed?"
Then the disabled man replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


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## Udet (Feb 18, 2007)

The phone rang and the woman answered it...

Nurse (N): good afternoon is this mrs. Monica Smith?
Woman (W): Yes...who´s this?
N: I am the nurse calling from Doctor Ryan´s laboratory and there´s some information i´d like to confirm with you...
W: What is it?
N: Are you the wife of John M. Smith...John Michael Smith?
W: That is correct...why?
N: It´s just that my records here show two patients with exactly the same name, and not just that, they are of the same age...your John Michael Smith is 52 right?
W: Yes he is...
N: Ok mrs. Smith, here is the situation: there is a positive HIV test for one John M. Smith and a positive alzheimer test for the other John M. Smith...do you know which test your husband got?
W: No i do not...i think he told me but i forgot...this is terrible...what should i do??
N: Ok, here´s what to do...take him for a ride late in the night...drive as far away from the city as you can, then stop in some dark area of the road, open your door, walk around and forcibly pull him out of the car and leave him there...if he returns home do not f*ck him.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 18, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Feb 18, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Feb 21, 2007)

"They say that travel broadens the mind, but the Nazis were very narrow-minded ... and they travelled extensively, throughout Europe"

Linda Smith (1958 - 2006)


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 22, 2007)

How true...


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## Wurger (Feb 22, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2007)




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## Matt308 (Feb 23, 2007)

Tarzan Not Know Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ? 

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. 

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." 

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." 

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." 

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch ! 

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed " 

What did you do that for ?" 

Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel "


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## Matt308 (Feb 23, 2007)

There was a Penis Study In 1993, and the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, England decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of Guiness, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2007)




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## Matt308 (Feb 23, 2007)

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself.

With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.


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## v2 (Feb 24, 2007)

*A World War II pilot story*

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. 
(Joke best delivered with a good thick British accent) 
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."


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## Wurger (Feb 24, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Feb 24, 2007)

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. 
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. 

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded. 

The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"


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## Matt308 (Feb 25, 2007)

Dear Abby: 



My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?



Signed: Clueless 



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.


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## k9kiwi (Feb 26, 2007)

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" 

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" 

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" 

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." 

"So how do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poopie?"


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## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2007)




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## v2 (Feb 27, 2007)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 27, 2007)

v2 said:


> *A World War II pilot story*
> 
> A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
> (Joke best delivered with a good thick British accent)
> "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."




 That was great!


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## Cyrano (Feb 27, 2007)

When i saw that first Fenster '37 picture, I just had to make my own


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## Cyrano (Feb 27, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Feb 27, 2007)

So,the first grade class' assignment was to think of something that excited them and explain it to the class.

Little Jimmy goes to the blackboard and laying the chalk on its side,draws a wide wavy line on the board.He says "That's thunder.The loud BOOM really excites me and makes me jump into the air."

The next girl Suzy,draws a couple jagged lines onto the board and explains "That's lightning.The bright flash always makes me blink and surprises me"

Little Tommy stands up and draws a dot onto the board and sits down.

The teacher asked "Tommy,what's that supposed to be?"

Tommy says "That's a period."

Teacher asks, "Well what is exciting about a period?"

"Well,my big sister in high school has missed two of them and our Mom and Dad are all excited about it."


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 27, 2007)




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## Wurger (Feb 27, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2007)




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## v2 (Feb 28, 2007)




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## v2 (Feb 28, 2007)

*The Gunny Joke *
A Marine Corps Leutenant walks into the head one day and sees the Gunnery Sgt. over at the far urinal. Gunny's got his schlong out (and oh, what a schlong it was! well over six feet in length, etc.)and he's beating the side of the urinal with it. Finally the urinal shatters.

"What the hell's going on in here, Gunny?" Shouts the young officer. Gunny, seeing that he's caught decides to make the best of it.

"Well, sir, I've found that if you take your dingus and strike it repeatedly against a solid object, it will grow in size and structural integrity."

The Lt. shakes his head and says, "I'm going to pretend I never saw that" and walks back to his office. It's a slow newsday so he sits down at his desk, shuffles paper, takes a sip of his coffee, etc.

Finally he looks around, whips his dingus out, and proceeds to knock it against the edge of his desk. He does this self-consciously at first, then his thoughts begin to drift. He thinks about life in the Corps, every meal's a banquet and all that. And he thinks to himself, y'know, I've really got it pretty good. I'm a young officer. I make good money. I've got a nice car and a beautiful wife and 2 happy kids.

A damn beautiful wife!

Yeah she's probably at home right now, he thinks to himself, asleep in her little silk neglegee...

The Lt. snaps out of his reverie, looks at his **** and is surprised that it is about five or six feet longer than it ever was. He proceeds to strike the desk with it in an agressive, military fashion. He finally cracks the desk in two.

The Leutanant looks at his clock. 1600, time to go home and **** his wife! He squares his uniform away, slings his **** over his shoulder, and heads out.

It's a beautiful day outside. The Leutenant, driving a shiny, new, red convertible, has got the top down and is hauling ass in a precise, hard-on induced, military fashion. His **** is now long enough to where he's just slinging it around, kind of like a lasso.

He stops at a light and pops the windows out of the van next to him. As the light turns green, he wraps his dick around the lightpole, kind of like Indiana Jones and his whip, and rips it out of the ground.

He pulls up into his lawn, doesn't even bother with the driveway, hops out and breaks the door down with his dick. He pops a couple of vases on the mantle, then breaks the bedroom door down as well. 

Sure enough, there's his wife, asleep in her lingerie, tits half falling out of it. The Lt. comes up to the bed, a big, Victorian four-poster, and rattles his dick between the bedposts, like a fire alarm.

His wife, wakes up, rubs her eyes, and still half asleep says, "Gunny, is that you?"


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 28, 2007)

I dont know if this has been posted before so here it is:

Little Melissa came home from first grade and told her father that she had
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a
Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd
start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how
he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could shoot the ******."


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## Gnomey (Feb 28, 2007)

Yeah I think it has been posted before but it is still funny.


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## Cyrano (Feb 28, 2007)

More humour about Hitler: 
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/





Heil Kitler


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## Njaco (Feb 28, 2007)

Two boys were at public beach and wandered over to a section that was for nude sunbathers. Approaching a man laying on the beach with a bowler hat over his privates, they asked what was under the hat? 

The man replied, "My Bird"

They asked, "Can we see you're Bird?"

The man loudly says "No" and orders them back to the public beach where they run to.

Once there, the oldest of the two boys says, "As soon as he falls asleep, I'm gonna peek under that hat and see that bird!"

An hour or two goes by when a blood curdling scream echoes across the beach and the older boy is seen running to the safety of the public side.

The younger boys keeps asking "What did you see, what did you see?"

The older boy catches his breath and utters, "You know how addy says survival of the Fittest? That bird was so ugly! I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs and set the nest on fire!!!!"


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## Matt308 (Feb 28, 2007)

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old "Field Marine." He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess  officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity.) 

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining," fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the general would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But the General knew his duty, and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability. 

During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities 
were being held. 

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big-chested, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration.

She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, "Would you like pastry young man?" 

The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat that s***, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "parade rest." His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange 

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?" 

The Marine snapped back to the position of "attention" (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, "I don't eat that s***, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of "parade rest" he went. 

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted.
After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!" 

The lady remembered that she had met "that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted. 

"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there. And, do you know what he told me?" 

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't." 

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He said, 'I - don't- eat - that - s*** - Ma'am!'" 

The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. 

The next thought that most of them had was, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!" and the color left their faces. 

General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants,

put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hummm. Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked. 

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. 

One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, 

"Well, f*** him! Don't give him any."


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## Matt308 (Feb 28, 2007)

Mothers always know just what to say:
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his
Sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his 
Mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table,
Let out a big sigh,and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."


His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the 
Guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she
Turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay;
Doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" 


The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."


His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly
Whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and
Said,.........."Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking 
Again!!!"


----------



## k9kiwi (Feb 28, 2007)

Matt.   


Sent to me by a mate.


There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess. 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and we kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


----------



## Cyrano (Feb 28, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Feb 28, 2007)

That was friggin hilarious K9!!!


----------



## Wurger (Mar 1, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Mar 1, 2007)

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a man who isn't saluting. 
"Why aren't you saluting like the others?" Hitler barks. 
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," comes the answer. "I'm not crazy!" 

more: New Book on Nazi-Era Humor: "Did You Hear the One About Hitler?" - International - SPIEGEL ONLINE - News


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 1, 2007)




----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 1, 2007)

Both of those were great.


----------



## Aggie08 (Mar 1, 2007)

CBS's multimillion dollar woman, Katie Couric, while interviewing a 
Marine 
sniper, asked: 
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" 
The Marine shrugged and replied: "Recoil."


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 2, 2007)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 2, 2007)

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage. 

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain. 

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot." 

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away. 

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off. 

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head. 

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell. 

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one. 

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level. 

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. 

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you. 

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub. 

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker. 

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal. 

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose. 

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again. 

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking. 

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them. 

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books. 

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them. 

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight. 

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time. 

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith." 

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week. 

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them. 

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria. 

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter. 

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance. 

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation. 

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding. 

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows. 

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm. 

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard. 

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in. 

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it. 

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator. 

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum. 

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard. 

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot. 

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2007)




----------



## Aggie08 (Mar 2, 2007)

Not quite the Four Seasons, but close!


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 3, 2007)

That one up there is about the damn truth though! If you want to know what it is like, live like that for a few months.


----------



## Jared (Mar 3, 2007)

Nice one Crewchief  Keep them comming


----------



## trackend (Mar 3, 2007)

Squaddie in dressing station "doctor I cant feel my legs" 
doc. "thats cause we amputated your arms"


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 5, 2007)

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my 
brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother ~ 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right alo ng the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother. 

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" 

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a hard stare and said... 







"You missed the fecking putt, didn't you?"


----------



## Aggie08 (Mar 5, 2007)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 6, 2007)

Good one.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 6, 2007)




----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 6, 2007)

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings 
are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she 
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked 
the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler 
who lives next door, got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped 
over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, 
Fffff'... And before he could say, "F**k," the Rottweiler ate him!


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 6, 2007)

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch
until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces..........................

"SH - T!" said the hypnotist...




It took three days to clean up the senior center


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 6, 2007)

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."




And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting...



"Dopey screwed a penguin." 

"Dopey screwed a penguin."


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 6, 2007)

Loved the Hypnotist


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 7, 2007)

Both were really good.


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2007)

Yeah  The hypnotist one especially.


----------



## Chief (Mar 7, 2007)

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State . She spoke
for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living, should she one day become the
first female President. She referred to her career as a New York
Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her
desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
brothers." At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the
Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to
select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking
Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s*** it is unable to fly.


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 7, 2007)

Oldie, but goodie.


----------



## Udet (Mar 10, 2007)

Excellent contributions guys!

Quote:

"In marriage, true confidence begins forming with the first fart."


----------



## Njaco (Mar 11, 2007)

I quickly printed the "Quote" and taped it to my pre-wife's mirror.


----------



## Udet (Mar 11, 2007)

Njaco: you think she´ll agree?


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 11, 2007)

That will endear you to her heart.


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 11, 2007)

or the heart of her bottom.


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 11, 2007)

My brother came up to me yesterday wanting to borrow some money.

I asked him what he wanted it for and was told

"Well, me and my wife's anniversary is coming up and I asked her what she wanted for number 10."

"She told me she wanted a divorce, only I wasn't planning on spending that much on her this year. Can you help a brother?"


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 11, 2007)

How about "NO".


----------



## trackend (Mar 12, 2007)

why has Edward WoodWard got 4 d's in his name?

cause Ewar Woowar sounds ****ing stupid


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 12, 2007)

I don't know why, but I found that uproariously funny!


----------



## Aggie08 (Mar 13, 2007)

Hehe I definitely enjoyed it, a good simple one!


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 13, 2007)

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the 
bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and
impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your
brain for once! ; and show us your good manners?"

" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I 
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 13, 2007)

You know it must be an international colloquialism to use "Little Johnny" as the primary character in dirty jokes. Poor [email protected]


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 15, 2007)

Air Monkey 

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on 
display. While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local 
Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line 
service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a 
monkey.

He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, 
"That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very 
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars Why did that 
one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a line service monkey.

He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required 
ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. 
He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the 
money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in 
another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! 
What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.

She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all 
corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of 
maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork.

A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. 
The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy [email protected]! What does this one do?" 

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but 
drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2007)




----------



## blue_halloween (Mar 15, 2007)

ok two stupid jokes..


this guy goes to the doctor and says, " Doc ive got no idea why but i keep singing .. why.. why.. whyyyyyy delila .. " 

Ah says the Doc i know exactly what you got.... Tom Jones syndrom !

Tom jones syndrom ??? never heard of it says the guy ?

So the doc starts sing " well its not unusual......... "

Two Stupid pilots fight an Aircraft down onto the runway ones says to the other totally sweating... "you know thats the shortest runway ive ever landed on..."
the other looks left and right out the cockpit and says... "yep and the widest ive ever landed on..."


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 15, 2007)

Both were above my head.


----------



## v2 (Mar 17, 2007)

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened , What's the hold up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."


----------



## Pisis (Mar 17, 2007)

That's old man...

Here's one lizard... vvv


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 17, 2007)

Looks high as a kite.


----------



## Saberstrike (Mar 17, 2007)

Heh... Looks like someone got too hopped up on sugar and caffeine, and started losing so much energy that they are almost asleep...

Here's one:


----------



## v2 (Mar 18, 2007)

*Uncle Bob gets shot down*

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. 

He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands." 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? 

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 18, 2007)

Again with that poor wretch, Little Johnny.


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 18, 2007)

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages..... 

English 
I Love You 

Spanish 
Te Amo 

French 
Je T'aime 

German 
lch Liebe Dich 

Japanese 
Ai Shite Imasu 

Thai 
Phom rak khun 


Italian 
Ti amo 


Chinese 
Wo Ai Ni 


Swedish 
Jag Alskar 

Alabama 
Arkansas 
Kansas 
Oklahoma 
Texas 
North Carolina 
South Carolina 
Georgia 
Tennessee 
Idaho 
Missouri 
Mississippi 
Montana 
Louisiana 
Virginia 
West Virginia 
Kentucky 
parts of Florida 

Nice Ass , Get in the truck .


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 19, 2007)

Anyone notice that the world knows American humor and politics, but the world rarely posts their own local humor and politics. Are us dumb Americans missing something?


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 19, 2007)

How do these signs pass any sane person's review?


----------



## 102first_hussars (Mar 19, 2007)

It would be funnier if he said.............."stop being a jew"


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 19, 2007)

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


----------



## v2 (Mar 20, 2007)

...


----------



## Wurger (Mar 20, 2007)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 20, 2007)

That has got to hurt!


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 20, 2007)

Reminds me of my childhood reading Mad Magazine.


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 20, 2007)

Not really a joke but I think it is funny...


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 21, 2007)

Oh come on that is funny! Good to see the weapons industry has a sense of humour.

__________________________________________

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the Window,

"I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman



Replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What

did you say?"





"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account Now!"



"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

bank."



The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform

him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does



Not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the Window

and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the Problem

here?"



"There is no damn problem." the man says. "I just won $200 million

bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn

Bank."



"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch is giving you a hard

time?"


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 21, 2007)

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across

Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.



He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in

and meet with President Hillary Clinton."



The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't

reside here."



The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.



The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to

the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary

Clinton".



The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton

is not President and doesn't reside here."



The man thanked him and again walked away .



The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the

very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President

Hillary Clinton."



The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and

said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to

speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.

Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you

understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just

love hearing your answer!"



The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,



See you tomorrow."


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 21, 2007)

"Mrs. Ward, please." 

"Speaking." 


"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When 
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy 
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is 
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." 


"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. 


" Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the 
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." 

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward. 


"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests 
one time." 


"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" 

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off 
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


----------



## v2 (Mar 21, 2007)




----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 21, 2007)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his 
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the 
horse's legs and rump, and chest. 

After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure 
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." 

Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad I think the UPS guy wants to 
buy Mom."


----------



## Ajax (Mar 21, 2007)

Ok, not really a joke,, but I didn't know where else to post it...

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEbETSCAIHk_
They have strapped a car to a rocket. The car is a reliant robin, an old banger of a british car. This was completley financed by the TV program. Kind of related to aviation, not WWII, fairly funny, worth seeing the rocket explode though.


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 22, 2007)

Jeez. That was much more elaborate than I anticipated. Didn't appreciate the shuttle special effects at lift off, but then again, I never thought it would get off the ground! 

__________________________________________________

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boy's leg. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.


A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.'


"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.


"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began typing, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack". "But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds.



The reporter says,"I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red 
Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy . What 'team' or 'person' do you like?''


"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.



Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 22, 2007)

How_Ugly_Girls_Get_To_Dance.flv - Video - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


----------



## Ajax (Mar 22, 2007)

Very funny, but the woman who played that must have felt like Sh!t. Only, be careful who you show that to, or wives might get I deas about laundry, cooking e.t.c...


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 22, 2007)

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars" she whispers. 

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. 

So they hide in the bushes. They're "going at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them---it's a police officer. 

"Say, what's going on here?" asks the officer. 

"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly. 

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know." 

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face .


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 23, 2007)

My part Norwegian vife will get a kick out of that one. Her Bestafa (Grandfather) talked just like that. He was a kick. Olympic ski jumper. You know the kind where they used to go down the long ramp with no poles, jump, and then gyrate their arms "to make them fly farther". 

How times have changed.


----------



## Ajax (Mar 24, 2007)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1Rl0F5bR9o_

Tut...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4gMIl--8Dw_

Over questions wether the prime minister of britain should retire in the summer...


----------



## v2 (Mar 24, 2007)

Why Do Women Live Longer Than Men? 

interestingfacts


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 24, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Mar 25, 2007)

Perhaps just my mood, but I found the Blair parody just disturbing. Not the Bush parody? Nope. Just sad that Blair is being victimized. Oh well.


----------



## Ajax (Mar 25, 2007)

Oh you have no idea just how much blair is victimised over here. He may look kinda nice on the outside but really, he deserves a helluva lot of it.
E.G.


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 25, 2007)

Hmm. Sounds like our House of Representatives. "We'll fund the warrior, but only if I can include my state pork spending to study why infants are small in stature."


----------



## Ajax (Mar 25, 2007)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jlDLrQscvk_
sorry if you find it racist. It's about nazis, not germans...


----------



## trackend (Mar 25, 2007)

Two statues one male one female sat facing each other in a city park. until one day an angel came down from heaven. as a reward for being exemplary statues she was going to bring them to life for 30 mins and they could do what ever they wanted.with a wave of her wand they came to life looked at each other then headed for the nearest hedge. after a lot of giggling and laughter and rustling they came back looking rather flushed. the angel said that was quick you,ve still got 15 mins left.the male statue looked at the female and said right this time you hold the pigeon down and i,ll s**t on its head.


----------



## k9kiwi (Mar 26, 2007)

Whats the difference between a trapeeze artist and a prostitute.





































One of them has a cunning stunt.


----------



## v2 (Mar 26, 2007)

*The last laugh!*
Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy. 

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant. 

It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"


----------



## Ajax (Mar 26, 2007)

A "Merkin" (pronounced "Mur-Kin" is a form of pubic wig.
I don't know if you've noticed, but the Merkin appears many times in President Bush's speeches;

"My fellow Merkins" he says, "I must state that the Iraqis should not erupt into civil war. and if they do, I promise I will protect the Merkins and the Merkin way of life. As a Merkin myself, I feel sorry for those Merkins who find themselves on the frontlines, exposed. So let us give thanks to those Merkins, thay are heroes to me.
Thankyou.


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 27, 2007)

>> >A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
>> >into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in
>> >bed.
>> >
>> >He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
>> >girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
>> >and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
>
>> >wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
>He
>> >probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
>I
>> >saw how he kissed your neck.
>> >If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells
>you.
>> >Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
>> >very dangerous If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I
>love
>> you."
>> >
>> >His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
>my
>> >ear.
>> >He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had
>> >any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
>> >love you too!"


----------



## v2 (Mar 31, 2007)

*Training the blonde*
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2007)

Didn't see that one coming.


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2007)

Me neither


----------



## Ajax (Mar 31, 2007)

*Now i'm a modern, hetrosexual man. I can go out and buy a packet of tampons and not be embarassed.




But apparently, they're not a "proper present"*


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 2, 2007)

Haven't seen Lanc in a while. Oh well. One of his ewes sent me a picture of his bedroom. I was wondering what you guys make of this...


----------



## twoeagles (Apr 2, 2007)

Hmmmm. Lanc has indeed been counting sheep....


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 2, 2007)

Or at least counting something to do with sheep....


----------



## Ajax (Apr 2, 2007)

is he welsh? just curious...


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 2, 2007)

Cornish...


----------



## v2 (Apr 3, 2007)

Love story...

http://lols.ru/uploads/files/audio/69.swf


----------



## Wurger (Apr 3, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Apr 3, 2007)

Sick.


----------



## v2 (Apr 3, 2007)

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a red Porsche and his parents yelled at him, "Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, "I bought it today.”
"With what money?" demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. “I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
"Oh my Goodness!!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what's going on.”
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Are women good or what?


----------



## Ajax (Apr 4, 2007)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkmHcAnPDIA_

It's not often Brits swear like that...
Normally


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 5, 2007)

An oldie but goodie. And almost a tragic accident.


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 5, 2007)

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball
into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. 


All of a sudden.....POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! 


Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing 
what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone !


After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussywillows."


Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T 
SWING!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 5, 2007)

LOL


----------



## Ajax (Apr 5, 2007)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9qhrc_h4JI_

______________________________________________


----------



## v2 (Apr 9, 2007)

...


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 9, 2007)

Loser.

Native American Observation - - -

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" 

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


----------



## twoeagles (Apr 9, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> : "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."



 Oh! For the good old days!
(I, for one, would miss toilet paper...)


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 9, 2007)

Stinging nettles work just fine.

One of the greatest myths was that American Indians were at peace and harmony with nature. And that only the whiteman ruined their "enlightened" culture. Poppycock.


----------



## twoeagles (Apr 9, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> Stinging nettles work just fine.
> 
> One of the greatest myths was that American Indians were at peace and harmony with nature. And that only the whiteman ruined their "enlightened" culture. Poppycock.



My Grandmother was Nez Perce and she would whole heartedly agree with you. 
She always said people need 3 things: food, shelter from the elements,
and security to raise children. Problems arose when any of those three
things were threatened. She was born in 1892 and had some recollection 
of old stories...She said the biggest difference, so far as she could see, between Europeans and "Indians" was the white man's insatiable desire to own things. Her motto pretty much went "the only good reason to have something is to be able to share it". Had I discounted her wisdom, I would doubtless have far more $$$ and be retired now.


----------



## Ajax (Apr 9, 2007)

One infamous phrase here is:


> "Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves"


Saying you should save small money, and in the end you will have big money!





Bu*lsh*t. Look after the big money and the small money can go f**k itself...


----------



## v2 (Apr 10, 2007)

...


----------



## Wurger (Apr 10, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Apr 10, 2007)




----------



## Njaco (Apr 10, 2007)

reminds me of why the blonde nurse carried a red pen......

in case she needed to draw blood.


----------



## Ajax (Apr 10, 2007)

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar (yes, it's one of those) and the barman tells them that he has a mirror that, if you tell the truth to it, you will get whatever you desire.

"But be warned!" He says, "Lie and you will disappear forever!"

So he shows them the mirror and the brunette says, "I think I am the most beautiful here" and gets a million bucks.

The redhead approaches and says; "I think i'm the cleverest here." And gets a ferrari.

The blonde goes to the mirror and says "I think..." And disappears forever!


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 11, 2007)

How do you drown a blonde?

Throw her makeup kit to the bottom of the pool.


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 11, 2007)

1. go to Google
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. scroll down to step #23


----------



## v2 (Apr 12, 2007)

...


----------



## Wurger (Apr 12, 2007)




----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 12, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> 1. go to Google
> 2. click on "maps"
> 3. click on "get directions"
> 4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
> ...


----------



## Ajax (Apr 13, 2007)

BBC News- THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR ALL US MEN...

Not really a joke, but I had to post it somwhere...


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 13, 2007)

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer 
are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops 
out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the 
Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also 
farm. I want all the farm land to be forever fertile Canada."

Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever 
made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around 
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran with all believers of Mohammad inside and all 
Jews, Americans, and other infidels forever outside our precious state.

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall 
around those countries.

The America n engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about 
this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and 
completely surrounds these countries.........it's virtually impenetrable. 
Now what is your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

Pooooof!

WORLD PEACE!!


----------



## Wurger (Apr 14, 2007)




----------



## Ajax (Apr 14, 2007)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3w7vAmszm4_


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2007)




----------



## k9kiwi (Apr 15, 2007)

A group of military Officers are standing around talking when a 
Lieutenant said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."
Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work 
than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than 
that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. 
The officers call the Private over to ask his opinion.
The Major says, "Excuse me, Private, we are having a discussion and 
would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun 
and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. 
I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your 
opinion?"
The Private smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must 
be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the 
enlisted men doing it for you."


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 16, 2007)




----------



## k9kiwi (Apr 16, 2007)

new happy meal.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 16, 2007)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Apr 16, 2007)

Alright, I'm gonna do a Lanc and cry foul on the KFC post. That one has been put up two or three times already.


----------



## k9kiwi (Apr 17, 2007)

Foul?

I thought Lanc was into sheep not birds.


----------



## v2 (Apr 18, 2007)

One night a man and his wife were in bed. The wife curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped, reached over to his wife and started fondling her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while, then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "Why are you taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh," he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book!"


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 18, 2007)

Are you sure Les didn't write that one?


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2007)

We'll find out if he sees it...


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 18, 2007)

A man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a 

Little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw 

Three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain?

Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.



"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the 

Same rules, but this time the number is 99."



The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture 

That he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to 

Represent 99?"

"Each of DA trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, 

And dirty tree. Dat is 99."



The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire 

This Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100." 



The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture 

Again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere 

You go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that 

Represents a hundred!" (You're going to love this one!!!)



The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each 

Tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So 

Now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty 

Tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?


----------



## Ajax (Apr 18, 2007)

But it'd work much better with an Irishman...


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 18, 2007)

Or a Norwegian! Like my wife! Ha!


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2007)




----------



## Ajax (Apr 19, 2007)

1. _"Oh, this is a dilemma. I know, let's get the UN involved!"_

2. (Back to Bin Laden)


----------



## v2 (Apr 20, 2007)

...


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 20, 2007)

I don't get it, V2...


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 20, 2007)

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener 
sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service 
agents directly behind then. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. 

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. 

Then the agent says, "Mr. President, it was at the 
unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy." 

Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want." 

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. 

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You @#$!*%$%**!!!" 

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up down, cheering, hooting hollering, and high-fiving. 

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" 

Noticing his agent had gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. 

The agent replies, Mr. President, Sir, I said they 
wanted you to throw out the first "Pitch."


----------



## Ajax (Apr 21, 2007)

You guys do love to hate Hillary...

_______________

*Warning! Although just a drawing, this picture is of a sexual nature.*
Horny Greeks...


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 21, 2007)

What's not to hate.


----------



## twoeagles (Apr 23, 2007)

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when 
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that 
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow 
passenger." 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly 
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" 

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" 

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me 
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the 
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out 
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you 
suppose that is?" 

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified 
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 23, 2007)

Ajax said:


> You guys do love to hate Hillary...
> 
> _______________



The next president of the most powerful nation on the planet?


----------



## Njaco (Apr 24, 2007)

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. You
might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your
husband.



DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Joe and Gloria Hall retired, Gloria insisted Joe
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Joe was like most men--he found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Gloria was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Gloria received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.



Dear Mrs. Hall,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Hall are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.


2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.


6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.


8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look"

by using different sizes of funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"


14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!"


And last, but not least ...


15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"


Regards,

Wal-Mart


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2007)

haha!


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 24, 2007)

Cute


----------



## Ajax (Apr 25, 2007)

Out of the blue...


----------



## v2 (Apr 26, 2007)

...


----------



## Wurger (Apr 27, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Apr 27, 2007)

So true.


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 27, 2007)

An atheist was walking through the woods. 
"What majestic trees!" 
"What powerful rivers!" 
"What beautiful animals!" He said to himself. 
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him. 
He looked over his shoulder again, the bear was even closer. Suddenly, he tripped fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw raising his r ight paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" 
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. 
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You denied my existence for all these years, teaching others I don't exist and even crediting creation to a cosmic accident." Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer now?" 
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?" 
"Very Well," said the voice. 

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head spoke: 
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."


----------



## Wurger (Apr 27, 2007)

In Poland the joke is about a Christian on Arabian desert and a lion.But still funny.


----------



## Cyrano (Apr 27, 2007)

Nixon, Nikita and Tito are in a plane over the jungle. Suddenly one of the engines blows up and they all have to bail. After hitting the group, a local tribe of blood thirsty cannibals spot the men and start chasing them along a jungle path.

"What do we do now!?" Screams Nikita.

Nixon pulls out his wallet and trows a bunch of dollars to the cannibals. The cannibals stop for a while and after deciding that green paper is not interesting they continue the chase even more furiously. 

"You do something!" Nixon says to Nikita. Nikita throws a bunch of rubles from his pocket to the cannibals, but they don't even slow down.

"Tito, you do something!", they both scream. Tito stops and asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. Nixon gives his notebook to Tito and Nikita hands his pencil over. Tito writes something on a piece of paper, folds it and leaves it in the middle the path. When the cannibals reach the spot their leader picks the paper up and reads it. The whole tribe turns to the direction where they came from and start running like hell. 

A moment later, all exhausted and sweaty, the three leaders stop running. "What did you write on that paper", Nixon asks from Tito. Tito replies: "This path leads to communism".


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 27, 2007)

Wurger said:


> In Poland the joke is about a Christian on Arabian desert and a lion.But still funny.



Isn't it interesting how humor is a universal language. Just goes to show that common ground can always be found. Cheers Wurger.


----------



## Ajax (Apr 28, 2007)

Njaco said:


> This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. You
> might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your
> husband.
> 
> ...



The scary thing is, i've done most of those things


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 28, 2007)

That's neurotic you know, Ajax.


----------



## v2 (Apr 28, 2007)

Coffin for us...


----------



## Wurger (Apr 28, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> Isn't it interesting how humor is a universal language. Just goes to show that common ground can always be found. Cheers Wurger.



You are right Matt.


V2, for us it should be a bit longer.


----------



## Wurger (Apr 28, 2007)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdUUx5FdySs_


----------



## Negative Creep (Apr 28, 2007)

Two explorers are walking through the Savanna when they stumble across a ravenous looking Cheetah. Very calmly, one of them opens his backpack and proceeds to put on a brand new park of Nike Air Maxs.

'Wait a second' said his friend, do you really think they'll enable you to outrun that Cheetah?'

'No' he replies 'I just need to outrun you'


----------



## Matt308 (Apr 28, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Apr 30, 2007)




----------



## v2 (May 2, 2007)

*The Pastor and the Pilot....*

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. 

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Air Canada pilot from Winnipeg." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. 

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?" 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."


----------



## Matt308 (May 2, 2007)

cute


----------



## Matt308 (May 2, 2007)

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost
at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to
drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from friggin skippin' !"


----------



## Gnomey (May 2, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (May 3, 2007)

A woman at a gas station.


----------



## Matt308 (May 3, 2007)

Good God. How do idiots like that get a license.


----------



## k9kiwi (May 3, 2007)

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING 

Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm 
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." 

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You 
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."


----------



## mkloby (May 3, 2007)

Just came across this one today...

"The average Navy pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else."


----------



## v2 (May 3, 2007)

k9kiwi said:


> DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
> 
> Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
> 
> ...


----------



## v2 (May 4, 2007)

...


----------



## Wurger (May 4, 2007)




----------



## DOUGRD (May 4, 2007)

There was this sailor and a marine who had been in a car wreck and died at the scene. They appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He greets them and hands each one a set of wings, telling them that the wings are theirs to keep for flying around heaven BUT any impure thoughts and the wings would fall off. So they are walking down the street and this beautiful naked young woman is walking down the other side. The sailor looks at her and his wings fall off. He bends over to pick them up and the marines wings fall off.


----------



## DOUGRD (May 5, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> A man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
> 
> Little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
> 
> Hey Matt! Being Italian I take offense to that joke! Besides I no getta da job, dat somabitch said I hadda to work on Labour day. Ifa my wife she goes inna labour I'mma gonna be there (to see ifa da little **** he looka like me or no.)


----------



## DOUGRD (May 5, 2007)

Believe it or not this one actually happened to me a couple of months ago. Heading home in our dodge van after a long trip I get pulled over by a State Trooper. He comes back to the van and asks me if I know why he pulled me over? I said yes, I was going 62(MPH) in a 55(MPH) zone. He then asked me if I had any "priors" ( as in prior convictions for traffic violations). I replied no and my seven year old daughter sitting in the back seat says" Yes you do papa, you have a whole bunch of them at home in your tool box!" The Trooper and I looked at each other and then I started laughing and told her " Sweetie the Trooper said "priors" not "pliers" The Trooper cracked up and let me off with a warning and gave her a Junior Troopers badge.


----------



## v2 (May 5, 2007)

sweet...


----------



## Wurger (May 5, 2007)

v2 said:


> sweet...



YES !!!


----------



## 102first_hussars (May 5, 2007)

Whats Green And Smells Like Pork (no not me)



A- Kermit The Frogs Finger


----------



## mkloby (May 5, 2007)

102first_hussars said:


> Whats Green And Smells Like Pork (no not me)
> 
> 
> 
> A- Kermit The Frogs Finger



That is gross!


----------



## Negative Creep (May 5, 2007)

I'm sure it's been posted before, but


----------



## mkloby (May 5, 2007)

what is that supposed to be?


----------



## Negative Creep (May 5, 2007)

Whoops, that didn't work, not quite sure what happened there!? 2nd attempt


----------



## Gnomey (May 5, 2007)

http://www.snopes.com/photos/airplane/graphics/school2.jpg

Site doesn't allow hyperlinking but yes I have seen that pic before - idiot


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 7, 2007)

Okay and the link you just posted does not do anything either...


----------



## Gnomey (May 7, 2007)

It worked before, not sure why it has stopped working unless the picture isn't on that site anymore.


----------



## Matt308 (May 7, 2007)

DOUGRD said:


> Believe it or not this one actually happened to me a couple of months ago. Heading home in our dodge van after a long trip I get pulled over by a State Trooper. He comes back to the van and asks me if I know why he pulled me over? I said yes, I was going 62(MPH) in a 55(MPH) zone. He then asked me if I had any "priors" ( as in prior convictions for traffic violations). I replied no and my seven year old daughter sitting in the back seat says" Yes you do papa, you have a whole bunch of them at home in your tool box!" The Trooper and I looked at each other and then I started laughing and told her " Sweetie the Trooper said "priors" not "pliers" The Trooper cracked up and let me off with a warning and gave her a Junior Troopers badge.






Oh and regarding the Italian joke. I'm an equal opportunity abuser.


----------



## Matt308 (May 7, 2007)

102first_hussars said:


> Whats Green And Smells Like Pork (no not me)
> 
> 
> 
> A- Kermit The Frogs Finger



  Even Les would like that one.


----------



## v2 (May 8, 2007)

...


----------



## trackend (May 8, 2007)

Im clean out of jokes so just to add something 

Whats black and white and got 8 wheels?


A Nun on roller blades


----------



## DOUGRD (May 8, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> Oh and regarding the Italian joke. I'm an equal opportunity abuser.



I'm glad Because I like a "GOOD" Italian joke as much as the next guy. Irish jokes too (I'm half Irish) And let me be telling you,Nobody got in more fights on St. Paddys Day than me. Well there I was standing on the corner with all the other lads and lasses waiting for the school bus to take me to dear old Cardinal O'hara high school when out of nowhere somebody yells "Whats that Wop doing wearing a shamrock on his jacket? Does he think he can get away with insulting the green like that?" By the time I got to school I was green and black and blue. Happened every year I was in high school. Luckily I never had to repeat a year!! By the way, Does anybody here know what "WOP" stands for ? HINT: It's really an acronym.


----------



## Matt308 (May 10, 2007)

Not being Italian, I had no idea and looked it up.

"Contrary to what some may think or have read, "Wop" isn't an acronym for "With Out Papers", but was derived from an Italian word "guappo", which means thug."

Is that true?


----------



## twoeagles (May 11, 2007)

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sinful dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?


The wife replied, "The fu**ing funeral director would be my first guess."


----------



## Joe2 (May 11, 2007)

Why did Hitler kill himslef?


He saw his gas bill!!!


----------



## Ajax (May 12, 2007)

Why did Hitler kill himself?


He realised his big mistake; trusting the Italians.


----------



## Matt308 (May 14, 2007)

> I thought you would enjoy this one.
If Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
>
> A man asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
>
> The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
>
> The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you 
> something.
>
> If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
>
> Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
>
> Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
>
> Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
>
> Would you?"
>
> The clerk says, "Well, no!"
>
> "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
>
> "Well, I probably wouldn't!"
>
> With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did 
> you
> ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
>
> The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."


----------



## DOUGRD (May 15, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> Not being Italian, I had no idea and looked it up.
> 
> "Contrary to what some may think or have read, "Wop" isn't an acronym for "With Out Papers", but was derived from an Italian word "guappo", which means thug."
> 
> Is that true?


 The one I read said it originally came from the Spanish "GUAPO" which meant "Pretty Boy". (I like that one better than the thug definition8) ) Supposedly way back when Spain brought in a lot of Italians to augment the workforce the Spanish men got ticked off because the Italians were picking up all the chics and the Spaniards referred to the Italians as Guapo's. (Now I'll let you in on a secret Matt308, I had to look it up on Google too)


----------



## Matt308 (May 16, 2007)

Hehehe. Sometimes its better to be a mutt like me.


----------



## Joe2 (May 16, 2007)

Prepre yourselves for the worst joke ever told:



why did the duck cross the road?


The chicken was on holiday!!!!!


----------



## Matt308 (May 16, 2007)

Yep. You were right.


----------



## Joe2 (May 16, 2007)

sorry


----------



## k9kiwi (May 17, 2007)

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this,when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"


----------



## Gnomey (May 17, 2007)




----------



## Joe2 (May 19, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (May 21, 2007)

I think this is has been posted before, but I have to live up to my moniker I 'spose.
__________________________________________

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY 

After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, 
they could not afford a larger bed. 

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his 
cousin didn't want to have any more children. 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy 
that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. 

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get 
a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a 
beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10" 

The Arkansa n said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in 
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can 
next to my ear is going to help me." 

"Trust me," said the doctor. 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He 
held the can up to his ear and began to count... 

"1" 

"2" 

"3" 

"4" 

"5" 


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and 
resumed counting on his other hand. 



This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma, 
Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts 
of Indiana , Louisiana , Alabama and Iowa


----------



## Joe2 (May 21, 2007)

and don't forget no.10 dowding street in london!


----------



## Hunter368 (May 22, 2007)

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and
> > said "I want to be a movie star.Tall, handsome and with
> experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
> > The agent asked, "What's your name?"
> > The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
> > The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
> > Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
> > "I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old,
> > I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not 
ever."
>
> > The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years ... you
> > will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian! 
I'm
> > telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be 
able to
> represent you."
> > "Well, I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
> > he left the agent's office.
>
> > FIVE YEARS LATER ...
>
>
> > The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the
> > envelope is a letter
>
> > and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would
> > possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ...
>
> > "Dear Sir,Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
> become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to
> change my name. Determined to make it with my
> > God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I
> > would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
> > Penis Van Lesbian.After I left your office,
> I thought about what you said. I decided you
> > were right. I had to change my name.
> > I had too much pride to return to youroffice, so
> I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
> > without changing my name, so the enclosed
> > check is a token of my appreciation.
> >
> > Thank you for your advice.
> > Sincerely,Dick Van Dyke


----------



## Joe2 (May 22, 2007)

nice. what would you do if you saw the a film with a star like that!


----------



## Matt308 (May 22, 2007)

Joe, you mean like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or Mary Poppins starring Dick Van Dyke??


----------



## Hunter368 (May 22, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (May 22, 2007)

Irony. The source of 50% of all humor.


----------



## v2 (May 24, 2007)

*Pilot Threesome... *

SPANGDAHLEM AIR BASE, Germany — A Spangdahlem-based airman was sentenced Monday to four months confinement for her part in a sexual act with two other airmen. 

Airman 1st Class Ashley N. Rains pleaded guilty at a court-martial to two indecent acts charges. 

She had faced rape and sodomy charges but admitted to the lesser charges as part of a plea deal.

Judge (Col.) Gordon Hammock also sentenced Rains, 22, an aircrew life support specialist with the 22nd Fighter Squadron, to reduction to the lowest pay grade. 

She faced a maximum sentence that included as many as 10 years in a military prison, but Air Force prosecutors argued for a lighter sentence of two years.

The alcohol-induced menage a trois on Sept. 24 in Bitburg included a male airman and a female staff sergeant. 

But both prosecution and defense lawyers debated whether it was consensual among the three. 

Rains and Airman Christopher D. Hicks are the only airmen charged in the incident because the Air Force lawyers said the staff sergeant was too drunk to give consent.

Air Force prosecutor Capt. Mike Felsen said the staff sergeant “appeared drunk” and slipped “in and out of consciousness” while Rains and Hicks performed sexual acts with her.

Felsen argued the staff sergeant, who did not testify during the trial, was vulnerable and Rains and Hicks took advantage of her. 

But Rains’ defense attorney, Capt. Matthew King, called the incident a situation involving three consenting adults with “various degrees of intoxication.”

King argued that Rains shouldn’t go to jail for what amounts to a drunken threesome.

“Does she really have to go to jail for this?” he asked.

The Air Force had charged Rains with rape and sodomy, but prosecutors could not prove the more serious charges, King added, therefore, the question of consent isn’t relevant in Rains’ case.

Rains said she was embarrassed by the episode.

“I’ve learned from this mistake,” she said during a statement she read at the trial.

Hicks faces more serious charges. 

The airman, who is assigned to the 52nd Civil Engineer Squadron, has been charged with rape and sodomy and will face a court-martial at Spangdahlem Air Base on May 30 

Female Airman Punished for Threesome


----------



## Matt308 (May 24, 2007)

And the f^cking humor is exactly where?


----------



## DOUGRD (May 24, 2007)

I believe in the irony of the whole asinine situation.


----------



## Matt308 (May 24, 2007)

Pardon the pun.


----------



## Matt308 (May 25, 2007)

couple, Moe and Flo, 
both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. 

The doctor asks, 
"What can I do for you?" 

Moe says, 
"Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" 

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed 
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 
and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to 
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. 
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, 
pays the doctor, then leaves. 

Finally, after SIX weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 
"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" 

Moe says, 
"We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married, and we can't go to her house.
I'm married, and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."


----------



## Matt308 (May 25, 2007)

This one is for Hunter...
____________________________________

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". 

The wife thought for a few moments, and then said, 
"Your


penis


is


bigger


than


your


brother's".


----------



## k9kiwi (May 25, 2007)

. .


----------



## Matt308 (May 26, 2007)

Reminds me of Mad Magazine.


----------



## DOUGRD (May 26, 2007)

OK here's a "Minnesoda" joke. Ollie was out plowing the back forty when Sven comes by. Olga answers the door and greets Sven. Sven asks "where's Ollie? Olga says he's out plowing. Sven: Olga I always thought you're so pretty, I'll give you $100 if you'll show me your boobs. Olga: No-No Ollie will see us. Sven: No, he's out back, he won't see. Olga: OK but don't touch. She undoes her top and shows Sven her boobs. Sven: They're beautiful, I'll give you $100 if you let me touch them. Olga: NO-NO Ollie will see. Sven: He's out plowing , he won't see anything. Olga: OK but just one hand. Sven: They're so firm and beautiful can I kiss them? I'll give you $100? Olga: NO-NO Ollie will see us. Sven: He can't see anything from the back forty, come on. Olga: OK but just once! Sven finishes and hands Olga the $300. Shortly after Ollie come home and asks "Was that Sven I just saw leaving? Did he drop off the $300 He owes me?"


----------



## 102first_hussars (May 26, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (May 26, 2007)

Man that con scheme has been in every color, genre and flavor of joke. An oldie but goodie.


----------



## DOUGRD (May 27, 2007)

You just can't beat a classic for a good laugh. Here's another one I heard while I was stationed in Brunswick, Maine. Two old woodsmen named Bert and Ernie live way up in the mountains and only come down to Bangor once a year to buy dry goods and catch the latest gossip. This year it's Berts turn. ERNIE: Welcome back Bert, whats going on down in Bangor? BERT: Well, our boy Peter's no longer the governor. There's a new guy named O'Brian got himself elected and he's a Catholic boy too I hear. And I heard say that he's made a lot of changes. He even went and had holy water put in all the toilets in the capitol building. ERNIE: Ya don't say! I can't believe it! Hey Bert, just one question...what's a toilet? BERT: Hell if I know, I ain't Catholic!


----------



## Matt308 (May 29, 2007)

This one has been posted before I think, but I still get a kick out of it.
________________________________________________________

PHYSICAL EXAM 

An eighty-three year old lady 
finished her annual physical examination, 
Whereupon the doctor said, 
"You are in fine shape for your age, 
But tell me, do you still have intercourse?" 

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask 
My husband," she said. 
She went out to the reception room 
And said: "Bob do we still have 
Intercourse?" 

Bob answered impatiently, 
"If I've told you once, 
I've told you a thousand times... 

We have 
Blue Cross!


----------



## Cyrano (May 29, 2007)

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the Deck of HMS Victory;
*
Nelson:* "Order the signal, Hardy."
*Hardy: *"Aye, aye sir."
*Nelson:* "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
*Hardy:* "Sorry sir?"
*Nelson *(reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"
*Hardy:* "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
*Nelson:* "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
*Hardy: *"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
*Nelson:* "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
*Hardy:* "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
*Nelson:* "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...........full speed ahead."
*Hardy: *"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
*Nelson:* "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
*Hardy: *"That won't be possible, sir."
*Nelson:* "What?"
*Hardy:* "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."
*Nelson:* "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
*Hardy:* "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
*Nelson:* "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
*Hardy: *"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
*Nelson: *"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
*Hardy:* "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
*Nelson:* "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
*Hardy: *"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
*Nelson: *"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
*Hardy:* "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
*Nelson: *"What? This is mutiny !"
*Hardy:* "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
*Nelson: *"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
*Hardy:* "Actually, sir, we're not."
*Nelson:* "We're not?"
*Hardy:* "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
*Nelson:* "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
*Hardy: *"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
*Nelson:* "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
*Hardy:* "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
*Nelson: *"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
*Hardy:* As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
*Nelson:* "What about sodomy?"
*Hardy:* "I believe that is now legal, sir."
*Nelson: *"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."


----------



## Löwe (May 30, 2007)

President Bush and President Putin are walking along the ports of Washington.
Bush starts to brag about his submarines.
- My submarines can stay below surface for several weeks, he said.
Putin then replied: 
- Well, that's nothing! My submarines can stay below surface for several months!
As they stood there arguing they suddenly heard a large splash and a
battled submarine rised above surface.
The hatch to the main tower opened and an old man with a large beard stuck his head up. He said to Bush and Putin:
- Heil Hitler! Haben sie diesel?

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## v2 (May 31, 2007)




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## Matt308 (May 31, 2007)

Well done Cyrano.


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## Wurger (May 31, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2007)




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## v2 (Jun 2, 2007)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Wm5wZEzf3I_


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## Löwe (Jun 2, 2007)

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my *****." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!

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