# Spare Santa a thought.



## k9kiwi (Dec 15, 2007)

There are approximately 2 billion children in the world. But since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces his workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million.

At an average rate of 3.5 children per household that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to do his work due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 967.7 visits a second.

Santa has 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, select the correct presents, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, slap the rest of the presents under the tree, eat and drink whatever was put out for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and go to the next house.

His sleigh will be moving at 650 miles an second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. The sleigh is also going to weigh over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. And lets not even think about the G forces he will consistently experience starting and stopping.

A conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds, so instead of 8 or 9 of them Santa will need around 360,000 reindeer (thats a LOT of doggy doo bags people).

So next time you are having a bad day, spare him a thought.


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## lesofprimus (Dec 15, 2007)

But Santa is magic, and uses magic spells to make his journey on Christmas Eve magical...


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## Wurger (Dec 15, 2007)

Holly words... Les.


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## magnocain (Dec 15, 2007)

Ya, he teleports and freezes time


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## Screaming Eagle (Dec 15, 2007)

hes santa, he can do whatever he wants


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## Heinz (Dec 15, 2007)

sneaky bloke, hes had keys to all my houses where I've lived


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## Screaming Eagle (Dec 15, 2007)




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## Soundbreaker Welch? (Dec 16, 2007)

That's realy funny! 

But what if Santa did visit non christians????? Oh nooooo,,,, it would be even worse.............


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## evangilder (Dec 16, 2007)

He moves pretty darn fast for a big guy, doesn't he?


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## k9kiwi (Dec 16, 2007)

Les. Bite? I think so.  

Funny, I just returned with the wife and son (3 1/2) from our Fire Brigade Kids Christmas day.

Santa arrived in our restored 1955 land rover fire engine. Kiddies all got their gifts and enough sugar stuff to last until next year, and heaps of games to play.

A big BBQ at the station afterwards for everyone rounded of a great afternoon.

Santa did his magic. We had no call outs during the day, and for that we all thank him.

My son got over his fear of the big red truck and came for a drive in the back of the Rescue Truck with me, a special moment for us both.


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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2007)

I hear you Heinz.... Not only has he managed to get the bl**dy keys to every d*mn house that I lived in, he's also managed to leave someone elses bl**dy kids f*cking presents every f*cking time...learn how to read f*t b*st*rd, or I'll shoot you down next time....you pr*ck.


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## k9kiwi (Dec 16, 2007)

Is that Glaswegian for "Merry F-ing Christmas" ??


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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2007)

So it came through, even though I held back a smidge...? It sure means a Merry F*cking Christmas....


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## Downwind.Maddl-Land (Dec 16, 2007)

magnocain said:


> Ya, he teleports and freezes time



No he doesn't! The 2 Christmases I spent on duty at the London Air Traffic Control Centre you could clearly see callsign "SANTA" flying a transpolar route down the length of the UK and into Greater Europe. Presumably, he has his Elves doing the actual distriibution sorties while he flies the 'Towline'! Speed was about .85M!

(Recordings were distributed to controllers' kiddies who were just being to doubt the existence of Santa - as if!)


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## lesofprimus (Dec 16, 2007)

Santas real I tell ya, I saw him at the Mall 3 days ago....

He did look alittle skinny tho.... Make sure u guys put out EXTRA cookies for him....


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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2007)

The b*st*ard isn't getting any bl**dy cookies from me or milk and carrots for that useless Rudolph, as I hold on to him as a hostage until he deliver the f*cking pressies on my very short but precise list...kn*b jockey!


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## Downwind.Maddl-Land (Dec 16, 2007)

Ah! The joyous wit, bonhomie, repartee and goodwill of our Scottich cousins at this time of year (well, any time of year actually)..... Warms the cockles of one's heart, doesn't it?  It's in their genes, don't cha know?  

And people wonder why we want rid of Gordon Brown. (Please, Santa PLEASE!)


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## pbfoot (Dec 16, 2007)

Anyone with kids might find this handy Norad is using Google earth this year to show progress of the guy this XMAS 
Norad Tracks Santa


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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2007)




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## Konigstiger205 (Dec 16, 2007)




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## plan_D (Dec 16, 2007)

650 miles per second ... Santa's fat but he's not that slow. He travels one foot every nano-second ... that's why he can do it with time to spare!


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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2007)

*Remember these?*

Dear Santa 
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all Yeer 
yer Frend, BiLLy 

Dear Billy, 
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about 
I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm 
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! 
Santa 

Dear Santa, 
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is 
peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah 

Dear Sarah, 
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa 

Dear Santa, 
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my 
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, 
Teddy 

Dear Teddy, 
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a 
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your 
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that 
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa 

Dear Santa, 
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for 
your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan 

Dear Susan, 
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when 
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of 
scotch. Santa 

Dear Santa, 
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making 
toys? Your friend, Thomas 

Dear Thomas, 
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend 
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking 
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while 
losingmoney at the craps table. 
Hey, you wanted to know. Santa 

Dear Santa, 
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're 
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica 

Dear Jessica, 
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in 
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa 

Dear Santa, 
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE- 
PLEASE could I have one? Timmy 

Timmy, 
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap 
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa 

Dearest Santa, 
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? 
Love, Marky 

Mark, 
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your 
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a 
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the 
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. 

Sweet Dreams, Santa

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Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I''m writing to you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I''m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a ****ing yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the **** were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you''ve taken me for a sucker the whole ****ing year to come out with some **** like this under the tree.

As if you hadn''t ****** me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can''t even walk into his house.

Please don''t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I''ll **** you up. I''ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you''ll have to walk back to the ****ing North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn''t get me that ****ing bike.

**** YOU SANTA.

Next year you''ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF- A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny


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## Screaming Eagle (Dec 17, 2007)




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## Heinz (Dec 17, 2007)

y'no its lucky he doesn't do 'returns' as he;d be busy all year.


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## Konigstiger205 (Dec 17, 2007)

Every job has its risks


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## lesofprimus (Dec 17, 2007)

I heard that last year, a squad of Hezbollah scumbags launched 3 SAMs at Santa as he took a shortcut over Lebanon on his way to Greece....

Lucky for him he had his automatic flare dispenser activated....


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