# Quokes/Jotes



## GermansRGeniuses (Mar 3, 2005)

"A hard man is good to find." - Mae West.  


Contribute.

Reactions: Like Like:
1 | Like List reactions


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## trackend (Mar 3, 2005)

A guy is talking about his boring sex life with a friend .

"I don't, know how to put the fun back into it Charlie" 

"What,s your favorite position Fred ?" 

"I haven't really got a preference "

"Have you tried the *Buckaroo* Fred?" 

"Whats that? I ain't heard of it "

"You take her doggie style, call out an ex girl friends name
see how long you can stay on for"


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 4, 2005)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 4, 2005)




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## mosquitoman (Mar 4, 2005)

What have your girlfriend and a hoover got in common?
When it stops sucking it's time to change the bag


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## mosquitoman (Mar 4, 2005)

Sorry to any girls on the site


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 4, 2005)

Nah!
Good joke, btw!


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 4, 2005)

Aye thats a good one


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## trackend (Mar 5, 2005)

Quote from my old man when asked this question "are you going to the 60th D-Day commemorations at Normandy this year Bill? apparently there's even going to be some Germans there"

"There where Germans there the last time I went in 1944"


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## mosquitoman (Mar 5, 2005)

True 8)


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 5, 2005)

Good sense of humour.


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## trackend (Mar 5, 2005)

He's a cantankerous old git at times but he's still my dad I'm very proud of the bit he did and as he has said to me it is only though the old timers that the dead really have a voice as they saw them die, most of them without any heroics and i have to admit the few by comparison that ive seen go don't have many famous last words apart from " mum".


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## Crazy (Mar 7, 2005)

The entrance door of the plane opens and two men dressed in Pilots' 
uniforms walk up the aisle. 

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is 
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. 

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, 
the door closes, and the engines start up. 

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign 
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. 

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting 
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. 

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, 
panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. 

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon 
all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is 
in good hands. 

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all 
gonna die."


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 8, 2005)

Nice!


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 8, 2005)

Brilliant


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## trackend (Mar 8, 2005)

I like it crazy  
I'm in Marbella(spain) at the moment and I think the pilot on my flight in was one of them guys we must have bounced ten ft in the air on touch down and as my missus is a bad flyer it nearly cost me two broken fingers she squeezed them so hard  I dont know about Boeing it was more like boing.


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 8, 2005)

Having a good time though I hope! 8)


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 8, 2005)

Military Humour

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the
field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the
field, with the control tower in the middle. 

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft
asking, "What time is it?" 

The tower responded, "Who is calling?" 

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" 

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it's an American Airlines flight, it 3 o'clock.
If it's an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it's a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it's a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour." 

********************* 

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was
driving down a muddy back road encountered another car
stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel. 

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he 
pulled alongside. 

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, "Yours is."


********************* 

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy." 

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now 
let's try it again!" 

Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!" 

********************* 

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your
party? 
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and fighter
pilots? 
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a
jet engine? 
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts
down. 


********************** 

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were
sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting
finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached
for some after-shave to slap on their faces. 

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!
My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" 

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead 
and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of
a whorehouse smells like." 

********************** 

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come piss on my grave." 
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again."


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## mosquitoman (Mar 8, 2005)

Very good. 
Writing on the side of a V1: Hello RAF, have your guns jammed again?


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## reddragon (Mar 8, 2005)

How can you tell when a politician is lying? 

His lips are moving.


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 9, 2005)

they're brilliant.........


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 9, 2005)

Nonskimmer said:


> Military Humour
> 
> On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the
> field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the
> ...



Ah, great stuff  Military humour is the probably my favourite of all humour.


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## mosquitoman (Mar 9, 2005)

[quote="Nonskimmer]Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your
party? 
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and fighter
pilots? 
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a
jet engine? 
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts
down.[/quote]

I actually know of someone in my halls who is in the ATC who fits this stereotype perfectly


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 11, 2005)

Broke is Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 12, 2005)

Brilliant!


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## mosquitoman (Mar 12, 2005)

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park it in man


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 12, 2005)

Is it me being sick or does that have a sexual meaning too


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## mosquitoman (Mar 12, 2005)

No it doesn't, say it in a jamaican accent and you'll get it


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 12, 2005)

I do get it, But telling someone to park in a space man...


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 13, 2005)




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## Nonskimmer (Mar 14, 2005)

My sister sent me this. She's always sendin' me stuff.  
Thought it was kinda cute.


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## trackend (Mar 15, 2005)

like it Skim

When I were a lad my parents were so poor they had to dress me in clothes from the Army Navy surplus stores. 
It was Ok until they sent me to school dressed as a Japanese Admiral.

Me and a mate went into a hotel the other day. I said to the receptionist "Have you got any rooms?" 
She said "Do you have reservations?" 
I said "I dont think much of your dress."

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I went to a gym, I said "I want to be able to do the splits" 
The gym instructor said "how flexible are you?" 
I said "I cant do thursdays"


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 15, 2005)

hehe love them..........


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 15, 2005)

> So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.



You should have taken him using the superior vinegar bottle...


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## trackend (Mar 15, 2005)

Trouble is you forgot the famous Kasparov Ketchup maneuver  

ps I really like the sig Cheesy wish i knew how to fly these pc's like you lot


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 15, 2005)

Ooo, I forgot about that 

Thanks 8)


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 16, 2005)

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket!

*BA-DOOM-BOOM!* Thank you, thank you very much!


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 17, 2005)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 17, 2005)




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## Nonskimmer (Mar 17, 2005)

Some of you must have heard _this_ by now!


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## Medvedya (Mar 17, 2005)

Hey kids! See what happens when you don't get enough fibre in your diet?

Ewghhhh!


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 18, 2005)

Bleaurgh


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## GermansRGeniuses (Mar 18, 2005)

Here's a stupid nerdy one...


"Hey, son! What did you learn in school today?"

"I learned that




r²."

"Geez, what kind of school am I sending you to? Any idiot knows pies are round!"



I'll get me coat...


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 18, 2005)

Yeah, Barney having a crap was funnier.


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 19, 2005)

Speaking of bad jokes, my maths teacher...

"What do you call a fish with no eye?" 

"A Box."


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 19, 2005)

That's actually funny, in a stupid kind of way.


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 19, 2005)

Yeah I know, is gone past the point of being so bad that its funny 

There are a couple of others too, but I cant remember them. One of them involves cats...


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## trackend (Mar 20, 2005)

Heres a few Quote,s all of which are genuine

exam answer:
*To prevent contraception wear a condominium.*

school room mistake:
*The Puritains found an insane asylum in the wilds of America*

From the Californian Dept of Transport school for offending drivers:
*Question: what can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem
Answer: Carry Loaded weapons*

science exam answer:
*H2O is hot water CO2 is cold water*

school room mistake:
*Cuba is a town in Africa with very difficult access*

school room mistake:1930's
*Transparent means, if you cannot see anything it is not there.*

Junior high error:
*Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.*

GCSE exam paper refering to blast furnaces:
*The slag floats on the iron because they have different dentists*

Walter Cronkite:
*"Rolls Royce is recalling all its cars made after 1966 because of faulty nuts behind the steering wheels"*


This last one is better if you remember the female announcer had a very upper class posh voice.
1960s BBC childrens radio music and movement programme for schools

*"We are going to play a hiding and finding game children".
"Now are your balls high up or low down? Close your eyes for a minute and dance around,and look for them"
"Are they high up or low down"? 
"If you have found your balls toss them over your shoulder and play with them"*

If you want some more guys let me know


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 20, 2005)

On CBBC a few years back, I remember catching the end of Woody Woodpecker. The presenter then held up some drawings, and said:

"Dont forget to send in your Woody's..."


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 8, 2005)

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q:"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for breathing?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" 
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" 
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." 
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" 
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" 
A: "Yes." 
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" 
A: "Yes." 
Q: "How many were boys?" 
A: "None." 
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" 
A: "Yes." 
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" 
A: "I went to Europe, Sir." 
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" 
A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." 
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" 
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" 
A: "Oral."


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 8, 2005)




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## Nonskimmer (Apr 8, 2005)

Nice!


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## Medvedya (Apr 8, 2005)

But the classic one is when Madame Craddock was making Doughnuts on her cookery show and Johnny Craddock said at the end;

"Well, thanks for tuning in to tonights show, and I hope all your doughnuts turn out looking like Fanny's."


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 8, 2005)

Ive seen a poster similar to that too, saying something like "Our doughnuts are moist and sticky, just like Fanny's!"


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## Medvedya (Apr 8, 2005)

Okay explanation time I think....

http://www.televisionheaven.co.uk/fanny.htm


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## Maestro (Apr 8, 2005)

Something weird (but TRUE) that I read on several notices (I had to translate some of them)... The parts in _Italical_ are my personnal advices.

On a chainsaw, we can read :
*Do NOT try to stop the chain with yours hands*
_Ahhh... Like if I didn't had anything better to do with my hands..._  

On a pack of peanuts, we can read :
*Instructions : Open the package and eat the peanuts*
_Are you serious ? I thought I had to chop it with the chainsaw..._  

On the same pack of peanut, we can read :
*WARNING : May contain or have been in contact with peanuts*
_Holy sh*t ! I thought it was synthetic peanuts !_


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 8, 2005)

Haha


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## Nonskimmer (Apr 8, 2005)

Maestro said:


> On the same pack of peanut, we can read :
> *WARNING : May contain or have been in contact with peanuts*
> _Holy sh*t ! I thought it was synthetic peanuts !_


I've actually seen that somewhere! I had to call my wife over to look at it, just to make sure I was reading it correctly!


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## Medvedya (Apr 8, 2005)

Try this - warning on a Superman costume;

"The wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 8, 2005)

The manufacturers sure do put ridiculous stuff on their products sometimes 

On the new Dodge Viper, one of the warning stickers says something along the lines of: "Placing children in the front seats is unsafe. The safest place for children to be is in the back seats."........But there are no back seats!


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## Nonskimmer (Apr 8, 2005)

Damn! 

That was in response to the Superman costume.


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 9, 2005)

I found a site a while back with hundreds of things like that on, Ill have to try and find it again.


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 9, 2005)




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## cheddar cheese (Apr 9, 2005)

Yeah, confused now aint ya


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 9, 2005)

liking the new filter


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 9, 2005)

I like cheese and does "untoward" things to them


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 9, 2005)




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## cheddar cheese (Apr 9, 2005)

It did make sense but I took of the filter.


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## Maestro (Apr 9, 2005)

Some other stupid notices :

On a Pop-tart pack, we can read :
*WARNING : The inside of the Pop-tart can be hot when put into a toaster.*
_Really ?_  

On a bottle of poison for rats, we can read :
*WARNING : May cause severe intoxication or even death. Keep away from childrens.*
_Who would be stupid enough to let his childrens play with a bottle of poison ?_


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 9, 2005)




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## cheddar cheese (Apr 9, 2005)

Funny Thoughts 

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change 
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? 
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble? 
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room? 
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse? 
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable? 
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa 
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been 
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? 
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to 
people that work nights?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit? 
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space? 
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Can bald men get lice?? 
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable? 
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
"How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?"
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to
eat a big one?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do 
you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
hit in case of an accident?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Can you cry under water?
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products? 
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from 
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ? 
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do? 
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ? 
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine? 
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white? 
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper? 
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later? 
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
them at the end of the bathrooms ?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18? 
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage? 
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down? 
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? 
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam? 
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs? 
Can someone give up lent for lent?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
What did cured ham actually have?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
Can a blind man see his future?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Can crop circles be square?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different? 
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space? 
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters? 
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer? 
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put
pasta into the water?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money? 
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the 
traditional colors?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill? 
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not? 
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars 
to look at things on the ground?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always
white?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
Can you fart and burp at the same time?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?
If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?
If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the
road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?
If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers 
around at a hardware store?
Is there anything easier done than said?
Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?
Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people? 
If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?
Are you able to fart in heaven?
Why isn't sour cream really sour?
Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?
Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do ducks sneeze?
Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?
Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon? 
Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it? 
Can vampires donate blood?
If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?
If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor?
How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is there an L in NOEL?
If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?
Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?
What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle? 
Do fish ever get thirsty?
Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?
Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?
On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?
Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??
Can angels eat devils food cake?
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Why are all farms red? 
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?
How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What do mermaids eat?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away? 
Why are all farms red?
why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
Are there female leprechauns?
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
Do fish sleep?
Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Can dogs have dog days?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday? 
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How do you throw away a garbage can? 
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A Canada?
Why do old men have hair in their ears? 
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up? 
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Do cows drink milk?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them? 
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag? 
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down? 
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an exterminator be the opposite?
How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody get down", would all the people start dancing?
Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"?
When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?
Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek Named After Dawson?
Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?
IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?
If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?
How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters? 
If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?
Do Dutch people always split the bill?
Can you sleep forever without being in coma?
Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?
If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?
How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?
If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter? 
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open? 
why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass? 
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? 
If so, how could you treat them? 
Did Adam and Eve have navels? 
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? 
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? 
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? 
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial? 
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 
What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep? 
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? 
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift?
Aren't all gifts free? 
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt? 
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves? 
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? 
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling?
Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bulletproof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop?
Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands? 
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? 
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song? 
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember
that they forgot?
If you died with braces on would they take them off? 
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
Do cows have calf muscles?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on? 

www.goodquotes.com


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## mosquitoman (Apr 9, 2005)

Someone's got far too much time on their hands


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 10, 2005)

read about 1/3 of them CC but they're good...........


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## trackend (Apr 10, 2005)

Like em Cheesy  
Heres a quote from a US newscaster.
" President Carter has painful haemorrhoids and is being treated by his physician Rear Admiral.er...William Lookass,..Lucash."


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 10, 2005)

Haha 


MM, it took me 2 mins to get those, if that. 8)


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 10, 2005)

so where'd you copy them all from??


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 10, 2005)

Source is at the bottom of them all. And that was just one page...


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## mosquitoman (Apr 15, 2005)

I found this at http://members.aol.com/panzersgt

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Sattelite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. 

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's. 

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.


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## Nonskimmer (Apr 15, 2005)

I love that! Good one, MM!


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 17, 2005)

Pretty good


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## FLYBOYJ (Apr 17, 2005)

*AIRLINE HUMOR*

AIRBUS - Fly by wire, die by fire

If its Boeing, I ain't going!

Airbus? God help us!

A Tri-Star! Call a rental car!

Leaky-10 (DC-10)

A Canadair RJ - Better runway!


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 17, 2005)

loving the snake one............


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## Concorde247 (Apr 17, 2005)

whats the difference between Michael Jackson a carrier bag?

Ones made of plastic is dangerous to children, 

the other carries your groceries! Boom boom


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## mosquitoman (Apr 17, 2005)

Where does Jacko go on holiday?
To Tampa... with the kids

It's very bad I know


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## Concorde247 (Apr 18, 2005)




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## evangilder (Apr 18, 2005)

The Best Break-up letter so far... 

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. 
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.



Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope
along with this note:



Dear Becky,



I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please
take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

Semper Fi


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## Maestro (Apr 18, 2005)

Heh... Very funny.  

That remember a (true) story that a substitute teacher (who was an ex-blue helmet) told me a couple of years ago.

He and one of his buddy were stationed to Bosnia. One day, the buddy of the teacher received a package from his wife... it was a video tape. Exited of receiving news from his wife, he invited all his "war-mates" to watch it. When the video started, he saw his wife, lied on the bed. Then two men came to join her and she cheated his husband with both of them... at ONCE ! (They had a threesome.)

If you wonder how the guy was feeling, well... He killed himself. He took a grenade, went to a bunker (alone) put the grenade in his flak-jacket and BOOM... Game over.

Reactions: Dislike Dislike:
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## Nonskimmer (Apr 18, 2005)

Good one, evan. 

Maestro, did that happen in the early ninties? I seem to remember hearing a story like that a long time ago.


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## evangilder (Apr 19, 2005)

Yikes, Maestro! Geez, she could have just asked for a divorce. What a BITCH!

Reactions: Like Like:
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## trackend (Apr 19, 2005)

I saw this in a paper last year an airline pilot based at Heathrow had an affair with a stewardess and one day decide to call it a day so as he left for a week of transcontinental duties he told her it was over and to leave the key to his place once she had taken her things. On his return he found the Phone off the hook with an Australian accented speaking clock apparently she had called it just after he had gone out seven days earlier The phone bill when he got it was over £1300


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## evangilder (Apr 19, 2005)

Yikes! At least that one had some class though.


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## Maestro (Apr 19, 2005)

Nonskimmer said:


> Maestro, did that happen in the early ninties? I seem to remember hearing a story like that a long time ago.



Hmmm... I don't know. I heard that story in 2000 or 2001 and the substitute teacher who told it to me was around 30 years old. So it is possible.


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## trackend (Apr 22, 2005)

A work mate said to me today when we where discussing WW2 
"You had to watch out for those Japs, 
especially when they did a Bonsai charge".
Sounds pretty frighting to me all those little trees galloping at you.


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## Nonskimmer (Apr 22, 2005)

It would scare _me_!


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## mosquitoman (Apr 22, 2005)

Well, Ohka did mean Cherry Blossom!


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 22, 2005)

rubber ducks scare you........


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## FLYBOYJ (Apr 22, 2005)

The aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at Pearl Harbor when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and never having seen anything like this, the Captain barked at his bridge signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!" "Seaman," shouted the Captain, "who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?" "Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Nonskimmer (Apr 22, 2005)




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## cheddar cheese (Apr 26, 2005)

Aye that be good


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## trackend (Apr 26, 2005)

Brilliant Fly I got a real buzz outta that one  

I have just seen the worst joke in the world on a works forum posting so I must apologise before hand for its contents before pasteing it.

THE BACON TREE 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". 

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". 

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. 

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". 

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget". 

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". 

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. 

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" 
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" 
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... 
......... 

Ees..... 
Ees..... 

Ees..... 

Ees, a Ham Bush"

Reactions: Bacon Bacon:
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## cheddar cheese (Apr 26, 2005)

Heard that one a million times, still good though


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## Nonskimmer (Apr 26, 2005)

That's got to be the most stupid joke I've read in ages! Beautiful!


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## trackend (Apr 26, 2005)

If I've told you once I've told you ten thousand times CC dont exagerate
I've only told you that joke 957,975 times


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 26, 2005)

No really, I have heard it a million times  Its the only joke my Dad has the capacity to remember and at every opportunity he brings it out


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 26, 2005)

i've never heard it before...........


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## Concorde247 (Apr 26, 2005)

neither have I !


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## trackend (Apr 28, 2005)

Right Lads Im off to the airport now to catch my holiday flight see you in two weeks guys
I shall leave you with this song to be sung to the tune of Queens Bohemien Rhapsody byeee

Naan, just killed a man 
poppadom against his head 
had lime pickle now he's dead. 
Naan, dinner's just begun 
but now I'm gonna throw it all away. 
Naan, ooh, ooh didn't mean to make you cry 
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow, 
Curry on, curry on 
Cause nothing really Madras. 

Too late, my dinner's gone 
Sends shivers down my spine 
Bottom aching all the time 
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go 
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo. 
Naan, oooh, oooh 
This dopiaza is so mild, 
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all. 

I see a little chicken tikka on the side 
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango 
Vindaloo does nicely - very very spicy 
Meat! 
Byriani (Byriani) 
Byriani (Byriani) 
Byriani and a naan 
(A vindaloo loo loo loo) 
I've eaten balti, somebody help me 
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory 
Stand you well back 
'case the loo is quarantined.... 
Here it comes 
There it goes 
Technicolour yawn 
I chunder 
NO! 
It's coming up again 
(There he goes) 
I chunder, it's coming back again 
(There he goes) 
Coming back again 
(up again) 
Here it comes again 
(No no no no no no NO) 
On my knees, I'm on my knees 
On his knees, Oh there he goes 
This vindaloo 
Is about to wreck my guts 
Poor meeee.... poor meeeee, poor MEEEEE 

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright? 
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night? 
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby 
Just had to come out, 
It just had to come right out in here. 

Korma or dopiaza, 
Bhaji, Naan or Saag 
Nothing makes a difference 
Nothing makes a difference 
To mmmeeeeeee 

(any way the wind blows.......)


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## evangilder (Apr 28, 2005)

Good one!


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Apr 28, 2005)

yeah i've seen that one before, me and CC rewrote the lyrics to blink 182's "I Miss You", which we find rather commical.........


----------



## BombTaxi (Apr 28, 2005)

Here's a test for you lot then, let's see if anyone's heard of the band or song I'm listening to...

HINT: Unless you are familiar with some of the UK's more obsucre acts of the 80's, you probably won't have a clue what I'm on about 

Swing Out Sister - You On My Mind

EDIT: Bugger, meant to post this on the What Are You Listening To? thread. D'OH! Could a mod type shift it over there please? Cheers 8)


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## FLYBOYJ (Apr 29, 2005)

Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?

THEY AREN'T HIS!

(I crack myself up!)


----------



## evangilder (Apr 29, 2005)

Michael Jackson was recently spotted at the local Walmart. They were advertising "Boys pants, half off".

Michael Jackson is going to be recording an Elton John song soon:
"Don't let your son, go down on me".


----------



## cheddar cheese (Apr 29, 2005)

Haha!


----------



## Wildcat (Apr 29, 2005)

trackend said:


> Right Lads Im off to the airport now to catch my holiday flight see you in two weeks guys
> I shall leave you with this song to be sung to the tune of Queens Bohemien Rhapsody byeee



This is sacrilege! you can't desicrate a legendary piece of art!



(sorry, that's my Queen fan side of me comeing out!)


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## cheddar cheese (Apr 29, 2005)

I thought you said that thats your "QUEEN SIDE COMING OUT"


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## Wildcat (Apr 29, 2005)

Shh, You must not say a word to anyone!


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## FLYBOYJ (May 6, 2005)

HOW MANY KIDS WITH "A D D" DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

DO YOU WANNA PLAY BASEBALL?


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## cheddar cheese (May 6, 2005)

Hey hey thats a good'n


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## FLYBOYJ (May 6, 2005)

THANKS! - HERE'S SOME MJ

>Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?

>

>A: Throw him a buoy!

>

>Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Bo yz-2-Men??

>

>A: He thought it was an ecsort service.


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## Medvedya (May 6, 2005)

Michael Jackson's favourite song?

I'm forever blowing Bubbles.

Reactions: Like Like:
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## the lancaster kicks ass (May 6, 2005)




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## trackend (May 10, 2005)

Hi lads just a quick hello as im still on me vacation 
Im reading this book at the moment by David Wragg *Swordfish* this is a comment made by a US observer attached to a British carrier in the med just before Taronto on seeing a stringbag for the first time 
US observer "where did that come from"
British officer "Faireys"
US observer "mmmmmmmmmm that figures".


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## evangilder (May 10, 2005)




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## Nonskimmer (May 10, 2005)




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## Concorde247 (May 11, 2005)




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## DAVIDICUS (May 11, 2005)

It's unanimous.


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## evangilder (May 13, 2005)

At a French airport:
A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a tour and an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour group.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The gentleman admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible!" barked the officer. "Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."


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## Maestro (May 13, 2005)




----------



## plan_D (May 13, 2005)

Awesome.


----------



## cheddar cheese (May 13, 2005)

Very good


----------



## Nonskimmer (May 13, 2005)

Well said, grandad!


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (May 15, 2005)




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## reddragon (Jun 1, 2005)

I like your signature, evangilder. Many of you have nice ones.


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## evangilder (Jun 1, 2005)

Thanks, I can't take credit for it though. I got it off of one of those royalty free graphics sites. I just shrank it for memorial day. I will be doing a new one soon to commemorate D-Day.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jun 1, 2005)

i can still get a few months serivce out of this one before i change it.........


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## trackend (Jun 1, 2005)

Very cutting Evan  
Im thinking of changing my sig but Id have to ask you blokes to help me because im lost doing things like that.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jun 1, 2005)

what are you after??


----------



## marconi (Jun 1, 2005)

This is a "Star Wars: Episode III" poster.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jun 1, 2005)

really?!


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## Pisis (Jun 1, 2005)

marconi said:


> This is a "Star Wars: Episode III" poster.



Does it say, Zvezdnyie Vojny? I only don't know some azbuka letters...


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## marconi (Jun 1, 2005)

Yes.


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## Pisis (Jun 1, 2005)

Nemnogo govorim pa UKR i RUS.


----------



## marconi (Jun 1, 2005)

In




?  WOW!


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## Medvedya (Jun 1, 2005)

And Sith goes into the Dative case which usually ends in OB or 'OV' in the Latin alphabet - Sithov! of the Sith!


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## Pisis (Jun 2, 2005)

marconi said:


> In
> 
> 
> 
> ?  WOW!



 Location: Letnany, Prague, Czech Republic


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## marconi (Jun 2, 2005)

I noticed


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## Pisis (Jun 2, 2005)

Medved Medvedovitch Medvedov


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## Medvedya (Jun 2, 2005)

Beary good! 

Do Czechs also use their dad's name as their middle one?


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## cheddar cheese (Jun 22, 2005)

It's time to elect the Leader of the World.
Here are the facts about the three main candidates:

Candidate A is linked to corrupt politicians and consults astrologers. He had two mistresses. He smokes like a chimney and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.

Candidate B has been fired twice, sleeps until noon, smoked opium in college and drinks a quarter litre of whisky every night.

Candidate C is a medal-holder and a war hero. He's a vegetarian, drinks a beer occasionally and never had any extra-marital affairs.

Among those three candidates, which one would you choose (honestly)?
Make your choice, don't cheat, then click here to read the answer: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2002/world_leader-p2.php?gobackto=random


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## mosquitoman (Jun 22, 2005)

Seen that before but it's still good!


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## cheddar cheese (Jun 22, 2005)

I know, it sure fooled me!


----------



## plan_D (Jun 22, 2005)

C is wrong, Hitler drank root beer occasionally, that's not beer in everything but name.


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## cheddar cheese (Jun 22, 2005)

It does say occasionally, you know


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## plan_D (Jun 22, 2005)

But he never drank beer at all. He was a tee-totaller, he didn't drink alcohol.


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## cheddar cheese (Jun 22, 2005)

This is to be sung to the tune
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

"George's Song" (Author unknown)

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

_____________________________________________________________


Dear Sir

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 that I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to, because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

It also conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it could delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any ideas?


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## evangilder (Jul 20, 2005)

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 

"Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## cheddar cheese (Jul 20, 2005)

Ive heard a similar joke to that, but with Jews and a clown  That one is much better!


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## plan_D (Jul 20, 2005)

Yes, it's basically the same but you go up to someone and say "I'm going to be another Hitler and kill all the Jews and a clown" and they say "Why a clown?" and you say; "See, no one cares about the Jews" 

You could do it in many different versions.

Reactions: Creative Creative:
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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 20, 2005)

i like that one.........


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## Nonskimmer (Jul 20, 2005)

Nice!


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## Maestro (Jul 20, 2005)

Great !


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## Pisis (Jul 21, 2005)

Medvedya said:


> Beary good!
> 
> Do Czechs also use their dad's name as their middle one?



no, but sometimes it's popular to name the child after his father. So often there are "dynasties" where is the grandpa, dad and son called the same name. Then they usually have a 2nd title like oldest, older, younger, and youngest (equal to Sr. and Jr.). For example there's a very famous Czech actor family, the Hrušínský family. And ther are:

Rudolf Hrušínský Nejstarší (Oldest)
-II- Starší (Older)
-II- Mladší (Younger)
-II- Nejmladší (Youngest)


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## Pisis (Jul 21, 2005)

Maestro said:


> Great !



I don't think that making jokes about killing all Jews after what happened in WWII is great. That's the greateast difference between the first one (Mulsims) and this one. 

For the same reason, I think everyone who's making fun of starving people in Somalia is a cretin...

Same as calling someone nigga even yopu're white a snow...

Some things just aren't funny.

Reactions: Winner Winner:
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## evangilder (Jul 22, 2005)

I saw this on a license plate frame today:

Jesus saves,
Yzerman rebounds and scores!


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## plan_D (Jul 22, 2005)

Oh but it is funny, Pisis. You need to lighten up because if we had to stop making jokes about things because it wasn't very nice then we'd be sat here making jokes about...well, we'd still be saying "Why did the chicken cross the road?" 

Would it be wrong to make a joke about Russians because over 23 million of them died in the war? No. 

Would it be wrong to make a joke about Americans because hundreds of thousands of Americans died in the war? No. 

Would it be wrong to make a joke about the British because over a million died in the war? No. 

There's war jokes about every nation in the war and there's all sorts of jokes about every race, religion and gender on this planet. Ever heard the joke about paratroopers (English, Irish and Scottish) stuck in a tree and there's German guards below them, so they make animal noises? The first an owl and the German guard moves on, the second a crow and the guard moves on, the third a cow and get shot to pieces? 

We shouldn't say that because paratroopers died. Do you think if I told a paratrooper that joke, he'd think it offensive, would he care? No, he'd probably laugh. 

By trying to tell people what is and isn't funny is a load of bull. If someone laughed at that jew joke, it's funny. It might offend some Jews but correct me if I'm wrong but isn't evan a Jew, he didn't say a thing about it. 

Muslims die almost everyday and, apparently, the Western world has caused 25,000 Muslim deaths in Iraq. Do you want to shut up with the Mulim jokes? No. Thought not. And do I blame you? No I don't because jokes are f*cking jokes and that's it.


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## Pisis (Jul 22, 2005)

plan_D said:


> Would it be wrong to make a joke about Russians because over 23 million of them died in the war? No.
> 
> Would it be wrong to make a joke about Americans because hundreds of thousands of Americans died in the war? No.
> 
> Would it be wrong to make a joke about the British because over a million died in the war? No.



I'm a joking man personally, so no problem with that, but making jokes on Jews is slightly different then any other ones. (I was wondered as much as you when I heard this for the first time). 

Because allways in the history they first laughed at them - they did nothing. Then they started to beat them - they did nothing. Then they threw em in gas chambers and killed six million of them. I'm maybe a bit more sensitive on this since 20+ members of my family got "game over" in gas chamber in Auschwitz, and the rest was persecuted by the Communists. 

But please don't take this as a hysetria... I fully agree with 90% of your opinions, as I see they are very rational, but I hold the opinion that at some level you cannot make jokes. 

For example in the mid 90's here were very popular jokes about Somalians (_How does a Somalian family photo look like? Like a barcode._) I allways argued with the kids who were telling these jokes. I also beaten up some of them.

Or maybe I'm wrong, I'm just too much sensitive. But the difference you gave (Muslim, Russinas, etc..) was that they fought with weapons in their hands. Not Jews (Somalians, etc., respectively). IMO some areas of human suffery is untouchable. But no problem, just wanted to say my opinion.








Cheers,
Pisis

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## plan_D (Jul 22, 2005)

Everything and anything you can think of someone will find funny. It's the way of the world and mankind, you can't force people to stop telling jokes. 

The funniest things are other people's misfortune - from it being them falling over in public to being killed while putting on their trousers! 

And I would like to point out the vast majority of that 25,000 were supposed to be civilian deaths. I think it's bull though, it obviously incorporates natural deaths. 

What is it with people thinking that people don't die naturally during a war!?!?!


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## Pisis (Jul 22, 2005)

OKi, OKi, just telling my personal opinion, you have yours. I'm not focring people to stop telling jokes, just said my opinion.


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## evangilder (Jul 22, 2005)

Speaking as a Jew, some jokes I find funny, others I may or may not. But I certainly don't take offense. I realize that in most cases, it is not anti-semitism or anti-whatever. I have to say that most of the really good Jewish jokes I have heard were out of the mouths of Jews. The thing to keep in mind is that I don't think anyone here would tell a joke with the intent of offending someone.

Pisis, are you Jewish? I can only assume with some of the things you have posted that you may be, but I don't want to assume anything.

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## Nonskimmer (Jul 22, 2005)

Pisis, I totally understand where you're coming from. Sometimes the jokes can be a little crude, and maybe sometimes they even border on being tasteless. If you find a particular joke or subject to be offensive, that's entirely your business, and no one will really hold it against you. Why the hell should they? Everybody has their own feelings and opinions.
Just try to keep in mind that a lot of us here are just that: Crude and tasteless. 
No but seriously, we don't really mean to offend. We just tend to have a dark sense of humour sometimes. We fully appreciate the seriousness of things like the mass slaughter of innocents, believe me. Our goal is not to make light of the Holocaust or anything. I'm sorry if the jokes piss you off. I suppose I can understand if they do, but we're not bad guys here. Just a little crude at times. 

Good post btw evan.


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## evangilder (Jul 22, 2005)

Thanks. I think that those of us who have been in the military, including the ones in now develop a different sense of humor. I know that my sense of humor changed in the four years I was in the AF. You sometimes end up in situations where the stress level is very high and someone cracks a joke to break the tension. It often borders on the macabre or just plain crude and otherwise socially unacceptable. But it is one of the ways to deal with unpleasant situations.

Geez, I can remember working some crash recoveries that were downright gruesome, with body part lying around that we had to pick up. I was just a radio guy, but everyone pitched in to help, including the radio guy. Through it all, we kept our spirits up by making light of it. In a task that is that grim and gruesome, you have to find a way of dealing with it, or it will haunt you forever. Either way, it changes you and the way you look at things.


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## Nonskimmer (Jul 22, 2005)

Yeah, I've been involved in crash recovery too. It severely sucks, and sometimes bad jokes _are_ the only way to relieve the tension. Good point.


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## plan_D (Jul 22, 2005)

I wasn't in the military but I've just got that sense of humour, a sick and twisted one. Laughter is the best medicine, so they say - so whatever can make you laugh is good. I think we all understand that. So, it's all good. On a level of understanding.


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## Pisis (Jul 27, 2005)

Hi,

no no i fully understand that it's just a joke, this MB is very interesting. In fact, i like the hereby humour very much. Anyway me wouldn't be being fooled from anyone.  Just the point of that was to remind all horrible events in the history (WWII was probably the worst for everyone) to don't let it happen again. doesn't matter if vietnam, sierra leone or any other shit. 

but holocaust was that exclusive, because it was a fuck up on millions of people, don't matter if they were jews, gipsies, gays, the witnesses or whatever. 1st they stole their citizen right, then things and they they killed them like chickens. Fuck up isnt fair. the same fuck up was in Srebrenica and also on a lot of ther places in the history. 

i've not been to the army as well, so maybe that is why my point is that, 
and yes evan, I'm jewish, althought not halachic (my mother ins't) so i "don't count" for the prayer  

"Either way, it changes you and the way you look at things." 
sure. the way you look at things forms your character.


Cheers,
Pisis


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## FLYBOYJ (Jul 28, 2005)

> Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's
> milk.
>
> The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
> pictures and they start reminiscing.
>
> "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
>
> "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
> "He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
>
> "Oh so sad dear" says the other.
>
> "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
>
> "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
> he was born".
>
> "He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
>
> "Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
>
> "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she
> whispers.
>
> "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
> school".
>
> "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
>
> After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at
> the photographs and says...
>
>
>
> "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
>


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## Nonskimmer (Jul 28, 2005)

That was so stupid, it's actually funny as hell!


----------



## FLYBOYJ (Jul 28, 2005)




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## Medvedya (Jul 28, 2005)

Evil - but funny!


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## evangilder (Jul 28, 2005)

Man, I almost anticipated that punchline, but I still laughed!


----------



## plan_D (Jul 29, 2005)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 29, 2005)

haha!!  brilliant!!


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## cheddar cheese (Jul 29, 2005)

Cool.


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## Pisis (Jul 29, 2005)

Some Jewish jokes, youll probably know some of them, since some are very popular

Q: What's the Jewish dilema?
A: Pork in sale!

---

Q: Why do Jews have so big noses?
A: Cuz the air is free.

---

Two Jewish women met after a long time.
"So how is it going, my friend? Do you have any kids yet?" asks one.
"No. And you?" the second replies
"Yeah! The lawyer is three and the doctor is five."

---

An poor Jewish young man has a big family and their hut is getting smaller and smaller with every new kid. So he goes to ask the rabbi what to do.
The rabbi asks him: "Do you have a dog and a cat?" 
"Yes, of course"
"So take let them live inside of your house for a week and then come to visit me again"
So the man does how the rabbi adviced him. When he returns after the week, he says: "Dear rabbi, what did you adviced me, it's even worst!"
The rabbi replies: "Don't worry, go home now and take also your chickens inside and come to visit me after another week."
When he is visiting the rabbi next week, he's almost agressive. "What did you do to me, the entire room is full of feather, shit and mess by the animals!"
The rabbi just smiles and say: "Son, go home now, kick all the animals out, clean up the house and come to visit me next week."
When the man is visiting the rabbi next week, he thanks him and kissing his hands: "Oh you clever rabbi, I never knew how could be my place so big!"


----------



## Pisis (Jul 29, 2005)

Chrisitian:

A hunter is wandering through African countryside. Suddenly he spots a Lion. He wants to shoot him, but the rifle gets jammed and it's too late to run away. So he stick his hands together, looks upwards and starts to pray: "Oh dear God, please let this Lion have the Chrisitan mind, please!"
Suddenly a lighting goes down from the sky, hitting the beast. He sticks his paws together and starts to pray: "Oh dear God, thanks for your crops, give me your blessings on that meal I'm going to eat"


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 29, 2005)

i like that one............


----------



## plan_D (Jul 29, 2005)




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## marconi (Jul 29, 2005)

Rabbi is sitting at the roof of his house during the flood. and praying to the God: Dear God I always did as the Bible says and served You well.Protect me from the flood.
A boat comes to his house and that are sitting there tell to rabbi to got on the boat, but rabbi replies: No, my God will save me.
Boat departs.Soon another boat appears, but rabbi rejects this help too.Then the third boat comes to help rabbi but he reject this help too.Then the level of water rises and rabbi sinks.
He stands in front of God in heaven.
R: "My Lord why didn't you save me?Didn't I serve you well?Weren't my prays sincere enough?"

G: "You, moron, I've send three boats to save you"


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## cheddar cheese (Jul 29, 2005)

I saw it coming but still good


----------



## Nonskimmer (Jul 29, 2005)

Good one.


----------



## marconi (Jul 29, 2005)

Did he really said that? Some of George Bush's aphorisms taken from American press.

- It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

- The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady, in my case.

- Families is where our nation find hope, where wings take dream.

- When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.

- I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California.

- We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.

- One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.

- I am responsible for all of my mistakes. And so are you.

- For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.

- The American peoples expectations are that we will fail. Our mission is to exceed their expectations.

- Education is my top priority. However, education is not my top priority.

The mission must be to fight and win war and therefore to prevent war from happening in the first place.

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.

The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself. (my favorite)

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.

It's your money. You paid for it.

Reading is not an art. It's a science.

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Jul 29, 2005)

Theyre good!


----------



## Medvedya (Jul 29, 2005)

This is funny - and the lyrics ring so true! 

http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/


----------



## plan_D (Jul 30, 2005)

I have the Bushism calender 2005, it makes you cry sometimes knowing that someone like that rules the most powerful nation on the planet.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Jul 30, 2005)

Medvedya said:


> This is funny - and the lyrics ring so true!
> 
> http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/



Haha brilliant


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## Pisis (Jul 30, 2005)

I like most the "One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures"

Another one is "We must brake the terrieres" (instead of barriers...)

 He's trully an idiot. We had a quite same pre-1989 PM, called Milouš Jakeš, whose IQ had to be lower then a parrot (BTW, in compaharson IQ test: Gorilla Koko has more then GWB!  really!!) who was talking unbelieveable shits in the "parlament". Like mistaking boiler for broilers (a type of chicken grown for meat), etc...


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## plan_D (Jul 30, 2005)

Of course it's lower than a parrot's IQ, at least a parrot can speak properly (as long as you teach it properly).


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## marconi (Jul 30, 2005)

> The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself. (my favorite)


Made a mistake here.This is my favorite:
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.


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## Pisis (Jul 30, 2005)

Prince joke:

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom far, far away. A born of a prince is awaited, and in the day of his born, three magic faireys are invited to his blessing. The first one blesses him with a great charme, the second one gives him a great power - when suddenly the door is open, the old evil fairey is there! she was not invited. She screams: "As a revenge, I make you being short of your dick! Muhahahaha" And she disappears in a cloud of a smoke. But the third fairey says "Don't worry, I bless you that when you will be 20 years old, your problem will be solved."
The prince grows, he is very handsome, has muscle body, but instead of his dick he has a pin. Yeah, an aluminium pin. When he celebrates his 20 birthday, he has also his wedding. He is a groom to a wonderful princess, with long blonde hair and big tits. When the go to the honey bed, he is being very nervous. "Don't be nervous, everything's gonna be allright, you'll see..." whispers the princess to prince's ear. She slowly and cutely catches his pin/dick, then slowly pulls it out... And you know what happened? Prince's arse fell off! 

---

Blonde girl joke:

A blonde cutie stands in front of a shop showglass. There's a big sign on the door: No blondies allowed!
But she gives herself a courage, goes in and says: "I'd likhe too bay these telly, pleaze!" But the shop asisstant says: "Cannot you read, bitch? No blondies!" So she almost starts to cry and runs home.
Another day, she wears a fake black hair and enters the shop again. Says: "Hellooo, this nice tevee, please!" But the guy just rips her with his eyes, and says: "I told you yesterday, that no blondes are allowed to make shoppings here! This ain't a TV, this is a microwave oven!"


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## Pisis (Jul 30, 2005)

plan_D said:


> Of course it's lower than a parrot's IQ, at least a parrot can speak properly (as long as you teach it properly).



And now take in mind that these 100+ phat mutherfucking evil red cretins (they were just dummy rednecks, mostly) were running the country. Look at these faces. Like robots...













... Marconi I'm glad about Jusčenko, I had a friend from UA who escaped because of Kučma... But Viki also cannot be white as a lilly (thas my personal opinion...). But still uncomparable, right?


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## cheddar cheese (Jul 30, 2005)

Answering Machine Messages 

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your 
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not 
here. So, leave a message. 

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. 
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid 
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe 
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 

4. Hi. Now you say something. 

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk 
to it instead. Wait for the beep. 

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? 

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy 
message, I'll call sooner! 

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please 
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these 
magnets. 

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. 
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are 
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their 
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they 
will get back to you. 

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording 
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason 
for calling, and I'll think about returning your call. 

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me 
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave 
a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons 
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home 
and it's safe to leave message. 

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. 
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right 
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up 
and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a 
message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.


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## marconi (Jul 30, 2005)

Another joke with answering machine:write a standart massageon it then a sound that sounds like an ordinary beep and wind the tape for 5-15 seconds, so the calling person could start telling the message.Then answering machine shold say folloowing message: "Could you speak a little bit slower, I'm writing it down"


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## cheddar cheese (Jul 30, 2005)

Good idea


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## Pisis (Jul 31, 2005)

good! but everyone now here uses a cell phone...  so no AM needed...


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## cheddar cheese (Jul 31, 2005)

Im gonna put that on my cell's AM


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 31, 2005)

and if you never actually get the message because of it??


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## cheddar cheese (Jul 31, 2005)

No-one phones me so it will make shit of odds


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jul 31, 2005)

fair enough.............


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## Pisis (Jul 31, 2005)

To be honest, I hate the Cell AM. It costs you cash credit and it's almost non-effective. If you want to leave a message or to chat with a girlfriend while she's away, the most used type of communication is SMS. Simply More Straight.


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## Pisis (Jul 31, 2005)

Old man joke:

At the endstation, all passengers are out of the bus, only one old man is looking for something on the floor. The driver asks: "Sir, what are you looking for?" "For a small ball." "Okay then, I'll help you." And both are searching for the small ball all over the bus. After 15 minutes the old man stands up, starts to picking his nose and says to the driver: "Please, could you let me out. Don't worry, I'll make myself a new one."

---

An old man is sitting in a bus, over him is standing a young girl. "Grampa, I think a part of your penis is sticking out from your trousers." she says. "No, no," he replies, "it's all!"

---

Q: Do you know how to identificate a happy biker?
A: He has flies between his teeth.


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## marconi (Jul 31, 2005)

I know it's not 31 July anymore, but still I congratulade you guys with the Day of Soviet Navy.


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## Nonskimmer (Jul 31, 2005)

Cool. I'll mark it on my calendar for next year.


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## Medvedya (Jul 31, 2005)

The Crew of the K19 celebrating Soviet Navy Day - URRAH!


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## marconi (Aug 3, 2005)

Japanese decided to replace impersonal and useless
microsoft announcements about the errors of system with 
poetic ones. Here are examples of announcements in the style Of dzen...

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

I ate your Web page.
Forgive me; it was tasty
And tart on my tongue.


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## Nonskimmer (Aug 3, 2005)

Medvedya said:


> The Crew of the K19 celebrating Soviet Navy Day - URRAH!


Actually, they're celebrating HMCS Terra Nova coming to their assistance.


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## JCS (Aug 4, 2005)

Somebody just sent this to me today, its hilarious!

Its a voicemail some guy sent as he was driving down the highway, then somebody smacks into a car full of old ladies and they get out and start beating up the guy that hit them!  

http://www.osmethne.com/voicemail1.mp3


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## FLYBOYJ (Aug 5, 2005)

Quote from a US soldier in Afganistan....

*"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"*


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## Pisis (Aug 5, 2005)




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## Nonskimmer (Aug 5, 2005)

Ha! Well put.


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## Medvedya (Aug 5, 2005)

Nonskimmer said:


> Medvedya said:
> 
> 
> > The Crew of the K19 celebrating Soviet Navy Day - URRAH!
> ...



But they also know it's Steak Night on board that night! Double URRAH!


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## FLYBOYJ (Aug 19, 2005)

Thought this might be good here!


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## Nonskimmer (Aug 19, 2005)

Probably true.


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## evangilder (Aug 19, 2005)

Good one, Joe!


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## Pisis (Aug 20, 2005)

lol gr8, got it saved! cool picture!


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Aug 21, 2005)




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## cheddar cheese (Aug 22, 2005)




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## mosquitoman (Aug 22, 2005)

Here's one:

A cannibal passed his brother in the woods

Reactions: Like Like:
1 | Like List reactions


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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Jan 23, 2018)

GermansRGeniuses said:


> "A hard man is good to find." - Mae West.
> 
> 
> Contribute.


Loved Mae West, and also W.C. Fields-- "My little Chick-a-dee" Aaaaah yeees!! So, if I may, I'll add a brief line from their careers- 1930'2- 1940's era.

Mae: When she married, reporters discovered that she and her husband were planning a honeymoon in Europe. As they were walking towards the Queen Mary, a reporter asked her what she wanted to see a lot of in Europe-- "Ceilings, dearie-ceilings" was her answer.

When Jack Benny invited W.C. Fields to be a guest on his radio show, Fields agreed, with the stipulation that he bring along his son, Chester- to "get a feel for the entertainment business". Jack didn't realize that Fields didn't have a son then, Fields recruited some stage hand, named him Chester- Chester Fields- and at that time, Jack Benny's sponsor was American Tobacco, makers of Lucky Strikes. It was a bit later before an exec. with American Tobacco Co. caught on. He was not "amused"

Reactions: Informative Informative:
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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Jan 23, 2018)

Nonskimmer said:


> My sister sent me this. She's always sendin' me stuff.
> Thought it was kinda cute.


Sorry, I couldn't get the parrot joke to come up. So, if I may, I'll tell one from my "scrapbook": A rich single Park Avenue broad is lonely in her townhouse, so she walks into a fancy pet shoppe in NYC, looking for a trained parrot. The young salesman, eager to make a sale, leads her to the back of the store, and shows her a big parrot, perched on a bar, and with a tag tied to each of its legs. "Does this bird talk?" she asks. "Oh yes M'am. just ask him anything you want". "Polly wanna cracker?, she asks. "Oh yes I do, and please make it a Ritz cracker, if you would be so kind" replied the bird. "Oh, she exclaimed, that's just wonderful. I think I'll take him home with me today-but tell me, does the perch come with 'Polly'?" "Certainly, madame, as well as the leg tags." "Oh my, whatever are they for?"- "Well Madame, the previous owner trained this bird by using the leg tags-- when you tug on the right side tag, the bird whistles "Yankee Doodle Dandy"-- and when you tug on the left side tag, the bird whistles "The Stars and Stripes Forever" "Oh, that's just amazing, indeed-- but pray tell, what does the bird do if you pull both leg tags at the same time?"-- "I fall offa this friggin' perch and land an me arse, you dumb broad, whaadda think was gonna happen?" was the bird's reply.


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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Jan 23, 2018)

trackend said:


> Brilliant Fly I got a real buzz outta that one
> 
> I have just seen the worst joke in the world on a works forum posting so I must apologise before hand for its contents before pasteing it.
> 
> ...


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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Jan 23, 2018)

Medvedya said:


> Michael Jackson's favourite song?
> 
> I'm forever blowing Bubbles.


Wonder who has "filled in for Mr. Moonwalker" to keep those Bubbles a'blowin' in the wind??-- Along those lines-- A rich businessman, but frugal, has made a lifetime out of denying his society-matron wife certain luxuries-and as they had no children, his main interest in life was his prized rose garden. He dies at age 66-and his wife inherits everything. In his will, he requests cremation, and that she scatter his ashes on his prize roses. After the service and the cremation, she returns home, after a shopping trip, and takes down his picture from the mantle, and sets it, along with the box containing his ashes, on the dining room table. "Well, my dear, I know you are in a better place, and I will comply with your wishes as to the roses- But first, let me take off the new mink coat I bought at Saks, and put it in the closet. I'm still getting used to the new air conditioning I had installed yesterday. Tomorrow, the contractor comes to install the outdoor spa and hot tub. I'm going to move your old Buick out of the garage soon, as I am trading it in on a Bentley. Hope you don't mind, but just in case you think I am a heartless old bitch"- and at those words, she dumps his ashes out on the table, inhales a deep breath, and blows them to the four corners- and says: "And here's that blow job you were always begging for"!!!


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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 4, 2018)

evangilder said:


> Speaking as a Jew, some jokes I find funny, others I may or may not. But I certainly don't take offense. I realize that in most cases, it is not anti-semitism or anti-whatever. I have to say that most of the really good Jewish jokes I have heard were out of the mouths of Jews. The thing to keep in mind is that I don't think anyone here would tell a joke with the intent of offending someone.
> 
> Pisis, are you Jewish? I can only assume with some of the things you have posted that you may be, but I don't want to assume anything.


My best friend from childhood was/ Lennie Teitelbaum-I learned some useful Yiddish expressions from him back in HS, and when I told him this joke (I'm a Catholic, by the way)--he broke up laughing.

"The Convent of Saint Rose of Lima lost their custodian, Mr. Brownlee, to retirement, and ran ads looking to hire his replacement- After interviews, the Mother Superior decided to take a "leap of faith" and hire a Mr. Epstein--Turned out to be a good choice, as he was an excellent worker, always on time, and diligent and respectful to the Sisters of the Order. 

After a year of employment, Mr. Epstein approached the Mother Superior, and asked for a raise in his pay. "Well, Mr. Epstein, your performance has been quite good, and I shall pass along your request -but before I do that, on your behalf, I must ask you to change one thing- please remember that when you address me, I am the Mother Superior, and NOT the Mother Shapairo".


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