# Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



## seesul (Nov 17, 2008)

Got it by e-mail last week from a friend of mine:

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
*************
Tower: 'TWA 2 341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
************
Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
'Because you lost the bloody war!'

************
Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'
***********
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'what a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
*********
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.' The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
***************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!' Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:' God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'


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## Becca (Nov 17, 2008)

seesul said:


> Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
> Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
> Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
> Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
> ...



ROFLMELAO!!!


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## seesul (Nov 17, 2008)

some pople are pretty voluble


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## seesul (Nov 17, 2008)




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## FLYBOYJ (Nov 17, 2008)

I heard a Japanese student at Fox Field, Lancaster CA, (whose English was pretty poor) request a "Touchie Roll" - he meant a "touch and go." The controller replied "is that sushi?"


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## Thorlifter (Nov 17, 2008)

hahaha. Those are good.


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Nov 17, 2008)

Nice, pretty funny.


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## seesul (Nov 17, 2008)

FLYBOYJ said:


> I heard a Japanese student at Fox Field, Lancaster CA, (whose English was pretty poor) request a "Touchie Roll" - he meant a "touch and go." The controller replied "is that sushi?"


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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2008)

Seen it before but it still cracks me up


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## pbfoot (Nov 17, 2008)

I've heard a few . Including 
ATC to the pilot " if you not going to listen I'm not going to talk " and he didn't


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## seesul (Nov 17, 2008)




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## Wurger (Nov 17, 2008)

Once during my former unit flights one of younger pilots was making a final approaching the runway,Unfortunately passing the inner marker his plane was still leaning towards the port wing.It seemed the pilot didn't want to follow our commands to make the plane horizontal and stable during landing.Simply we couldn't force him to do it.Finally our commanding officer ordered him to move his ba!!s to the another pocket if he didn't want to pick up his a$$ from the runway.It helped.


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## Becca (Nov 17, 2008)

well put.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 17, 2008)

Thanks, I needed that!


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## Matt308 (Nov 17, 2008)

That was classic Wurger, classic.


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## syscom3 (Nov 18, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Nov 18, 2008)

Good stuff


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## Wurger (Nov 18, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> That was classic Wurger, classic.



Yep but these non classic can't be printed here.If I would do it I would be banned myself.


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## seesul (Nov 19, 2008)

maybe Wojtek. But at least you could try it...


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## pete_madi (Nov 19, 2008)

hi fellas been out of touch for awhile due to getting life sorted out but will be in touch more often.just read the above and had such a cack my lady called me a dag!!!!!.peter


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## seesul (Nov 19, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2008)

I needed a laugh today! Thx!


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## Airframes (Nov 21, 2008)

Only just seen them, Brilliant!!


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## Freebird (Nov 28, 2008)

Les'Bride said:


> ROFLMELAO!!!




The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.' The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
***************

This one was a hoot too!


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## Njaco (Nov 28, 2008)

I loved the last one!


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## Burmese Bandit (Dec 7, 2008)

DANG why did I just get to this one....oooh that was freaking HILARIOUS!!!!


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## beaupower32 (Dec 9, 2008)

here is one of a SR-71 Pilot and a control tower.

One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed. "Ninety knots," ATC replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. "One-twenty on the ground," was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was. "Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground," ATC responded. 

The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walter's mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied, "Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground." We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.


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## 109ROAMING (Dec 9, 2008)

That last one was good 


I've always loved the frankfurt one!


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## beaupower32 (Dec 9, 2008)

Yeah, the frankfurt one was pretty good.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2008)

8)


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## Njaco (Dec 10, 2008)

Beau, thats hilarious!!!


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