# Your Funny, Humorous or Incredible Military Stories



## Matt308 (Mar 14, 2008)

At the suggestion of CCheese, how about a thread that contains your humor in uniform stories. Stories of incredulity, shame, embarrassment, triumph at the expense of others or perhaps down right boorish behavior. Anything you got would make a good read.

My old man was posted in Okinawa as a Marine Sgt. For those not familiar with Okinawa in the mid-1950s, most everyone strung their laundry out to dry on clothes lines. Well, a local man took a liking to my dad, and invited him into his family for meals, tea... and entirely too much Saki. This gentlemen, whom dad just called Papa-san, liked my dad's company so much, that he let my dad use his motorized scooter. Well after a night of gambling and drinking, things got out of hand and the MPs arrived at the local club. My dad, the ever resourceful Marine, took it upon himself to jump on his newly acquired 50cc superbike, taunt the MPs with a one finger salute and began peddling to assist his quick get away. The MPs followed intent on correcting my dad's poor salute form. Dad realized that his powerful scooter must be defective and was not going to outrun the MP's jeep this night. So between houses he turns his racing scooter to instantly and irrevocably garote himself, Hollywood style, on a local's clothesline. Needless to say, he was informed of the proper salute technique.


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## comiso90 (Mar 14, 2008)

ouch.. Matt! 

I remember a story my father told:

Operation Husky, the invasion of Sicily. My father and a couple of his buddies were entering a recently cleared Sicilian town. Garands in hand, they walked warily down the narrow streets. Some of the locals didnt seem to happy, they were afraid and didnt exactly embrace the Americans as liberators. Shutters were closed and children were whisked inside. My father and his cohorts decided to pause in the piazza to get a drink of water. Stopping at the village well, they heard an old Italian woman yelling at them and waving her arms.

"Whats up with her? We captured this damn town, we'll drink the water if we want to" my father thought. 

Just as they were dipping a ladle into the bucket for a cool drink an Italian boy ran up. The boy was motioning to his throat as if he was cutting it and pointing down the well.

The old lady and the boy were trying to say that there were dead bodies in the well.

My dad never said if they got that nugget of information in time or not.


.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 14, 2008)

No **** there I was...

Inverted slingload from an Apache. My Air Medals dangling in my face...



Okay I am sure I have a few good ones. I will think of them and post them here after the weekend.


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## Matt308 (Mar 14, 2008)

Look forward to that Adler. All of those who served have gems that need archiving. Me, I'm just a catalyst for you guys that served to write it down. My hat's off...


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## eddie_brunette (Mar 17, 2008)

I remember doing "Garden Services" every Saturday when I was still doing basic training at 7th SAI. One of the C/O's passed us and I called everyone to attention and saluted on my spade, like you do when you carry your weapon. Needles to say that I spend the rest of the Saturday doing PT.


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## A4K (Mar 17, 2008)

Eddie.. 

During my recruit course (I'm ex-RNZAF) we always hated the dreaded Officer inspections. Corporal inspections, it didn't matter so much, you could hear the corporals tipping your stuff out on your bed, and saying "what's all this, Matthews?! what a bloody disgrace!!" etc while you just stood to attention, and said through gritted teeth "No excuse, Corporal!". But officers... If ANYthing was out of place, or you missed a microscopic speck of dust -proper balls out in fromt of the whole dorm, and inspection duties for a week.. you could cut the tnsion with a knife at times.
There was ome time where my mate 'Stumpy' was having his area inspected, when the active officer yelled "And WHAT the hell is this?? What does your bedpack look like???!!" (Bedpack's being the blankets and pillow being precisely folded to form almost a 'box'). My mate looked, and said "I think it rather resembles a limp penis, Sir!"- man, we just split! the officer enjoyed it too I think, because he just muttered through a face he was trying to keep straight "Just don't do it again, cadet!" and left!


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## evangilder (Mar 17, 2008)

During one of the weekend warrior exercises in the UK, I can't remember if it was Reforger, or something like that, they brought a boatload of Reservists over to the UK, effectively tripling the American presence in the UK. Keep in mind this was the mid 80s, and there were a LOT of us already there. There were Reservists in tents everywhere. 

So we were doing our normal duty at the time, fixing radios and intrusion detection sensors out on the flightline. It was dusk, so difficult to see. As we walked up to a TAB-V (hardened aircraft shelter), we heard this "HALT!". I looked to see this greenie in a foxhole pointing an empty M-16 at us. You coould see he had no clip. My buddy looked him square in the eye and said "F*ck you" and we kept walking. The guy kept saying halt, and it got weaker and weaker as we walked. 

During that same exercise, some dumb Army Reservist didn't strap the load down properly in the Deuce and a half. Apparently, an entire case of mortars fell off the back of the truck. They stayed intact, as did the box, fortunately. Some samaritan motorist, not knowing what it was, picked up the box, put it in his car and took it to the local constabulary. The station was evacuated as soon as the box hit the counter top.

EOD came to check things out. The grabbed the box, picked it up, put it in their truck and drove off, past a bewildered group of locals.


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 17, 2008)

Great stories guys...keep them coming!


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## lesofprimus (Mar 17, 2008)

I dont even know where to begin....

How about this meatball Master at Arms, sitting around in Somolia, thinkin he was all GI Joe, who decides he's gonna show off to us Tridents and shot himself in the foot, tryin some Clint Eastwood spin-o-rama with his sidearm....

We laughed and laughed about that...


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## FLYBOYJ (Mar 17, 2008)

At a VJ day party (Sometime in the latter part of 1945) my dad and uncle wired a radio with an independent amplifier and hid the microphone in another room. As people gathered for this party my uncle slipped into that adjoining room and made a fake but very convincing news broadcast saying that the Japanese have re-engaged US forces and the war was on again. Everyone freaked, one returning GI threatened to jump out a 3rd floor window.

As everyone was calmed down and convinced not to kill my uncle, everyone did have a good laugh over the whole thing saying how convincing my uncle was. Some of his friends started calling him "Orson Wells."


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## twoeagles (Mar 17, 2008)

My second solo in the old T-34B at NAS Whiting (VT-2) I heard and felt a bad vibration that increased with airspeed and RPM. I was sure my engine was the problem although the instruments said she was fine, but the noise was awful and I could feel the vibration in the fuselage. I called MAYDAY and got immediate clear to land. The fire trucks were already racing to the runway as I flared, and in my rearview mirror I saw, to my horror and embarrassment, a peice of the rear cockpit harness caught outside the canopy where it was smacking against the side of the aircraft. The single most important thing in a young Naval Aviator's life is not to look stupid. And I already failed that!!!


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## timshatz (Mar 17, 2008)

Heard this one about ten years back. Not military, but still good.

Radio conversation at an airport:

Student Pilot: "Tower, this is a student pilot. I'm in Cessna 63D and I'm running out of gas."
Tower: "Student Pilot in Cessna 63D this is the Tower, Stay calm, We've got you. Can you tell me where you are?"
Student Pilot: "Yeah, I'm parked on the Ramp, can you run over a fuel truck or something."


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## mkloby (Mar 17, 2008)

twoeagles said:


> My second solo in the old T-34B at NAS Whiting (VT-2) I heard and felt a bad vibration that increased with airspeed and RPM. I was sure my engine was the problem although the instruments said she was fine, but the noise was awful and I could feel the vibration in the fuselage. I called MAYDAY and got immediate clear to land. The fire trucks were already racing to the runway as I flared, and in my rearview mirror I saw, to my horror and embarrassment, a peice of the rear cockpit harness caught outside the canopy where it was smacking against the side of the aircraft. The single most important thing in a young Naval Aviator's life is not to look stupid. And I already failed that!!!



SWEET!!!  I checked the rear canopy about 15 times before I strapped in!


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## pbfoot (Mar 17, 2008)

I don't know if this is myth or fact but on a ship in RCN prior to inspection a Bosun put some peanut butter on the toilet seat , the officer came in seen the paenut butter and asked wtf is that , the Bosun put his finger in the peanut butter and tasted and promptly replied that it tasted like S==t


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## Matt308 (Mar 17, 2008)

I'm snorting here guys...  These are great!!!


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## Matt308 (Mar 17, 2008)

Where are you Charles, you crusty ole bastard, you made me start this thread!


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## evangilder (Mar 17, 2008)

Whether true or not, I heard this during the cold war. An F-4 scrambled to intercept a Russian Bear bomber. As the two flew closely together, one of the Bear crewman flashed up a Russian pinup girl, described as chubby and pasty. The Russian says over the radio "This is most beautiful woman in Soviet Union". The back seater in the F-4 pulls out a Playboy, flashes up the centerfold and replies "This is the ugliest woman in America, perhaps you defect, comrade".

Like I said, I can't verify it's authenticity, but I laughed my azz off when I heard it.


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## A4K (Mar 18, 2008)

Great stuff guys!


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## wilbur1 (Mar 18, 2008)

Thats a great one eric i freakin laughed so hard im now wiping down my screen


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## ccheese (Mar 18, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> Where are you Charles, you crusty ole bastard, you made me start this thread!



I hear you Matt…. Unfortunately, all of us with stories to tell, also remember the 
ones that are not funny, some are deadly serious.

I was attached to the 1950th AACS (Airways Aircraft Communications System) 
at Whellus AFB, in Tripoli, Libya 1954-1955 when I had exchange duty with the
USAF. Unfortunately I don’t remember the date, but I think it was in February
of 1955. I manage to get seven days leave, and decided to spend it in Italy, just
a few hours flying time away. Hops were always going that way, so I managed
to get a hop on a C-47 cargo plane going to NAF Sigonnela, Sicily. 

This C-47 did not have seating like a passenger plane, there were rack type seats
down each side of the plane, with cargo stashed in the center “aisle”. I was 
sitting just aft of the double cargo doors on the starboard side, right next
to a Marine LCpl named Danny Mannus, from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. He was
returning to Italy from a holiday of scuba diving in the waters around Tripoli.

When we got to the airspace around NAF Sigonella, there was a problem on the
ground, so we were told to orbit in a designated area near the field. Clouds were
low and visibility limited.

First sign of trouble I realized the pilot had firewalled the throttles and had the 
yoke in his belly. We still hit the mountain just outside of Sigonella. The fuselage
broke in half at the cargo doors and me the the Marine were ejected, even tho
we had seat belts on, in preparation for landing. There were fourteen people on
the plane, including the crew. Ten were killed in the crash. The marine didn’t
get a scratch….. I broke both ankles. . 

When the rescue people got up there LCpl Mannus had everyone out of the
airplane, the dead on one side of the plane laying in the snow, the living
altho injured on the other side. He had pulled everyone out of the wreckage,
and did what he could for the living. He had packed my ankles in snow to
keep the swelling down and to ease the pain

In my mind the “crash” was not that violent. I think we were in a climb, and
kinda pancaked on the hillside. There was very little fire, but the cargo
broke loose and went toward the left side of the plane were all the killed were sitting.

I had the extreme pleasure of watching Vice Admiral Christman pin the Navy
and Marine Corps Medal on LCpl Danny Mannus for his lifesaving efforts.

It’s been over fifty years ago, but I will never forget a young Marine……
Danny Mannus of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. 

Charles


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## pbfoot (Mar 18, 2008)

evangilder said:


> Whether true or not, I heard this during the cold war. An F-4 scrambled to intercept a Russian Bear bomber. As the two flew closely together, one of the Bear crewman flashed up a Russian pinup girl, described as chubby and pasty. The Russian says over the radio "This is most beautiful woman in Soviet Union". The back seater in the F-4 pulls out a Playboy, flashes up the centerfold and replies "This is the ugliest woman in America, perhaps you defect, comrade".
> 
> Like I said, I can't verify it's authenticity, but I laughed my azz off when I heard it.


What i heard when working in the Norad enviroment was that the Russian held up next months playboy it hadn't yet made the newstands


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## Matt308 (Mar 18, 2008)

ccheese said:


> I hear you Matt…. Unfortunately, all of us with stories to tell, also remember the
> ones that are not funny, some are deadly serious.
> 
> Charles



Sorrowful story, CC, and certainly one for the annals of history. 

But wrong thread. I was hoping we could compartmentalize the anguish and tragedy of the warfighter, and for a fleeting moment, capture the irony one finds in those trained to kill encountering humour in their endeavors. If you can find the time to relate some of yours, I would appreciate reading them. I had no intention of resurrecting painful memories. Sorry.


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## comiso90 (Mar 18, 2008)

Wow Charles, thanks for that story...
Scary stuff! Very moving.

Was that Mt Etna?

I'm glad u made it.

.


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## evangilder (Mar 18, 2008)

Indeed a powerful story. And to Danny Mannus  Thanks for taking care of Charles, and the rest.


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## lesofprimus (Mar 19, 2008)

Here here... Charles, u are indeed one lucky bastard....


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## ccheese (Mar 19, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> Sorrowful story, CC, and certainly one for the annals of history.
> 
> But wrong thread. I was hoping we could compartmentalize the anguish and tragedy of the warfighter, and for a fleeting moment, capture the irony one finds in those trained to kill encountering humour in their endeavors. If you can find the time to relate some of yours, I would appreciate reading them. I had no intention of resurrecting painful memories. Sorry.




Matt: Was not aware there was another thread for the events that get put
in the back of our minds, but can be recalled in an instant. I did not know
any of the men on the plane, I seem to recall several USAF enlisted
personnel and a USAF Capt. but they were just faces, no names. I'm a
sentimental old guy anyway, and the joy of seeing Danny get that medal
made it all somehow better. I don't know who recommended him for the 
medal, but I was interviewed three different times in less than a week, 
while I was in the hospital, concerning his lifesaving act. I hope what I
told them had some bearing on the final outcome. This is not a painful
memory, per se, but it is something I'll never forget. I young man in the
right place, at the right time...... who had the where-with-all to do the
right thing. That's what's important.....

Charles


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## timshatz (Mar 19, 2008)

lesofprimus said:


> Here here... Charles, u are indeed one lucky bastard....



No ****. Better to be lucky than good.


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## timshatz (Mar 19, 2008)

On a differnent note, I do remember a girl who was getting her pilot's lisence the same time I was who managed to get lost while flying in the traffic pattern. Keep in mind, the pattern is always supposed (SUPPOSED) to be on your left side (most of the time) as you do your bumps and runs. 

She got lost in a pattern west of Philadelphia and by the time they found her she was just about to Baltimore.


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## pbfoot (Mar 19, 2008)

Our boss in the tower had a ritual that every morning upon arrival he'd piss over the tower railing one morning the comm techs rigged up a galvanized metal sheet on the ground hooked up to a power source , when he peed the current climbed up that briny source shocking the boss after the scream he came in all wet with promises to get even


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## timshatz (Mar 19, 2008)

Two more. One I remember, the other I heard hanger flying. 

First one is about a guy who was in Pilot training the same time I was. He was the airfield's official *******. Everybody hated him. Nothing nice to say about anyone, always complaining, just a royal pain in the ass. Unbeknownst to me, the instructors got together and decided to get rid of this guy. 

One day, Mr. Pinhead shows up for his flying lesson. He and the instructor get into the 152 and away they go. 'Bout half an hour later, they come back, guy pays his bill, gets in his car and leaves. Find out later the instructor took him up to about 3500 ft, stalled the bird, kicked in full rudder and while in the middle of the spin turned to the guy and said, "I'm scared as hell and I don't know what I'm doing!".

Never saw him again. 


The other story was during WW2 in Northern California. Back then, the Navy had Blimps that used to fly out of a base up there for Anti-Submarine work. Pretty boring stuff, just flying around over the ocean. Well, Northern California had a lot of groves of Fruit Trees as well. All of them were harvested by women as all the guys were off fighting in the war. One day, one of these blimp drivers on his way back from patrol starts buzzing around an orchard at low level and low speed, talking to the women on the ground and generally making a nuscence of himself. You can do that in a blimp. 

Well the blimp has guide lines hanging down from it that people grab when it is trying to land. One of the more enterprising girls goes over to one of the guide lines (now dragging on the ground in the orchard as they were that low) and ties it off to one of the fruit tree. Now they have their own captive balloon over the orchard. The pilot firewalls asks them to let him go, they- having a good time with this- say no. He firewalls the engines to get away but no luck. Stuck, tied to the trees. Girls are laughing, pilot is bummed, engines at full power when a gust of wind comes along and gives the blimp that extra "umph" and that does it. The fruit tree comes out of the ground and away the blimp goes with a fruit tree tied to one of the guide ropes. 

After that it ended predictable. Coming home with a tree attached to the guide ropes is not a good thing. Minor investigation which was forgotten and a stern notice not to go buzzing around at low level on your way too and from your patrol area. 

Still, would've loved to have seen the blimp come in with a fruit tree attached. That must've been classic.


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## A4K (Mar 19, 2008)

Heard from one of my airforce mates about how they brought a real arrogant guy in the neighbouring dorm down a peg or two...
This guy was so full of himself, I think just about every one hated his guts. The guys in his dorm put up with him for about a month before deciding enough was enough. They took him drinking (which was bloody risky, they'd have been in the s*** if the corporal's found out) and got him absolutely hammered. Soon after they brought him back to barracks he was out like a light. They stripped him, poured shaving foam around his ass and in the bed, and gave him a good hard kick up the ass....Comes next morning, and the poor guy wakes up with a mother of a hangover, an uncomfortable wet feeling between his legs, and a very sore ass...

It worked, and he turned out to be an alright guy once he lost the ego...!


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## ccheese (Mar 19, 2008)

Heard this one while I was at Balboa Naval Hospital, in 1967.

Seems a pilot had a beef with the railroad, I think the Sante Fe was
mentioned. One evening while flying around in the boonies, he spies
a passenger train hi-balling along. Pilot decides this is the time to get
even. Flies a few miles in front of the train, comes down to about
10-15 feet off the ground, flies down the track towards the train, 
drops his landing gear and turns on the landing light. This aircraft only
had one, attached to the nose gear. When he zoomed over the train all he 
saw was sparks coming from the wheels of the train. The engineer thinking
a train was coming at him locked the brakes, thereby damaging the wheels.

Charles


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## wilbur1 (Mar 19, 2008)

he he shaving cream


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## lesofprimus (Mar 19, 2008)

Naples Italy, 1991... Wonderful sh!thole....

There are many whores/prostitutes/hookers around the streets at night, especially around the Castle....

Some are trannies.....

After a solid night of wallowing in alchohol, strolling/staggering along back towards the ship, immediatly after having a HUGE brawl with some bouncers at this rip-off tittie bar, my buddy Prinky spots this trannie on the corner and says:

"10 bucks if I get the trannie to let me suck on his nipple..."

We were all laughin our asses off, thinkin he was kidding around.... Well, with my video camera rolling tape, he walked on over and started talking him/her/heshe up some...

Next thing u know, the trannie pulls down his top alittle bit, he starts squeezing the dudes nipple with his fingers.... Im dying at this stage, freakin dumbfounded by his show of insanity....

The Heshe was kinda skeptical about the camera on him/her and put the fake tittie away.... Prinky whispers some more sweet nothings and sure enough, 3 seconds later, he's got this dudes nipple in his mouth, suckin away like a baby on a pacifier....

It took my all to keep the camera on him.... He was the talk of SEAL Team 2 for awhile after that one... He never did live it down...


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## ccheese (Mar 19, 2008)

You are correct, Dan.... dear ole Napoli was a hell-hole. Seems everytime
we pulled into Naples, I'd have Shore Patrol..... almost always at the E.M.
Club. A fight would start and we'd decide this was the time to take 'a
break'. When there were only a couple left standing, we'd wade in with night
sticks.... _being careful to strike a glancing blow_.... then cart the bad asses off to the pokey.

Charles


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 19, 2008)

Allright lets see:

While deployed to Kosovo we were asked by another Company Commander if we could fly him and his soldier on his soldiers reenlistment flight. Ofcourse we agreed to do so since we were allready going to be out doing a training flight in the NOE area.

After we preflighted the aircraft the Commander and his soldier came out to our aircraft and we gave them a passenger brief and the Commander asked us if he could hang the American flag over rear bulkhead so a picture could be taken in flight and if we could do a high hover over the Camp so that it would be in the background as well. We told him no problem.

After the soldier gets in the aircraft his commander than secretly comes over to us and asks us to give his soldier a "real" ride as a reward for reenlisting in the Army. We told him we will see what we can do.

So anyhow we get up to the high hover and the whole reenlistment ceremony is conducted and pictures and congratulations are made. We then turn out to the NOE training area. We are at about 2000ft and as we enter the pilot pulls us down into a dive and we start yanking and banking through the NOE area.

Now mind you we are not doing anything really crazy just a normal NOE flight. Well okay we might have been a bit aggressive because the Commander wanted us to give his soldier a "ride".

Anyhow about 2 minutes into the "ride" I notice a nasty smell. It smelled like sandwiches. I could really smell the white bread, cheese, and mayo. I then asked "Who the hell was eating lunch during a flight like this" because we were yanking and banking. 

I then feel a tap on my shoulder from the other crew chief and he points back to the row of seats. I immediatly look at the soldier. I expected to see him puking his guts out. Nope, he was enjoying his flight with a big smile on his face and laughing and screaming to the ride. I then draw my attention to the "tough" commander and he is puking into a black trash bag! 

Not just puking but projectile vomiting into the trash bag...

I let the pilots know and we pull up out of area and head back to camp. As soon as we set down on the pad the commander jumps out of his seat and takes off running.

We returned his M-16 to him in his office about an hour later....

He had completely forgotten it in the aircraft!

Tomorrow you will get the story about the Dildo on the nose door....


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## mkloby (Mar 19, 2008)

lesofprimus said:


> Naples Italy, 1991... Wonderful sh!thole....
> 
> There are many whores/prostitutes/hookers around the streets at night, especially around the Castle....
> 
> ...



That is just damn hilarious 

So what happened to the tape?


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## ccheese (Mar 19, 2008)

Good One, Chris.... it's usually the "hardened commanders" that can't handle
a few maneuvers....

Charles


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## lesofprimus (Mar 19, 2008)

I still have the tape, ol VHS style.... I havent looked at it in a decade, but now that Im reminiscing, I gotta pull it out now, just to see that sh!t eatin grin Prinky had on his face...

Thats a great story Chris... I like the part about the dude sittin there hootin and a hollerin.... I know that feeling...


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## A4K (Mar 20, 2008)

Not quite on the topic, but thought ya's would like this... 

Extract from a schoolboy's essay (from RNZAFA News, 1986):

I want to be a pilot when I grow up because it is a fun job and easy to do. That is why there are so many pilots flying today. Pilots don't need much school, they just have to learn numbers so that they can read instruments. I guess they should be able to read road maps so they won't get lost. Pilots should be brave so they won't get scared if it's foggy and they can't see or if a wing or motor falls off they should stay calm so they will know what to do. Pilots have to have good eyes to see through clouds and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are closer to them than we are. The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more than they can spend. This is because most people think plane flying is dangerous except pilots don't because they know how easy it is. There isn't much I don't like except girls. girls like pilots and all stewardesses want to marry pilots so they always have to chase them away so they don't bother them. I hope I don't get air sick because I get car sick, and if I get air sick I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.


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## plan_D (Mar 20, 2008)

I've heard a few daft stories from my dads time in the RAF... maybe not all hilarious but you'll hear them anyway. You probably heard 'em before. 

First with 11 Sqdn. Lightnings - 

The 'ole stories of the Russians with the Playboys has been heard loads of times, the 'ole thumbs up from the RAF pilots while the Ruskies were probably jacking off in the rear seat. Well one time was different, someone had left summat on the Lightning (can't remember exactly what) ... bring bright orange rod. They go up to intercept this Bear ... and the Bear's crew ain't p*ssin' about no more. The cameras come out and they're frantic about this new addition to the old Lightning...the pilot of the Lightning couldn't be more confused 'til he lands and realises the addition... the Ruskies probably thought it was a new aerial or summat. 

Another intercept in the middle of the night ... there's a single aircraft travelling extremely slow over the North Sea... so 11 Sqdn. sends a Lightning out to say hello. The Lightning is directed to the area and reports nothing ... there's nothing in sight. Air traffic keeps reporting it there so the Lightning circles around, goes up and then down to look for this "stealth" aircraft ... then all of a sudden there's an almighty smash...the pilot has to change his underpants and heads back home. On his way back, air traffic notice the original signal has gone. 
The Lightning makes it home 'n lands safely with almighty scrapes and scratches to the underside of the aircraft. Long story short, in the field below the Lightnings 'crash' was a Cessna 152 with drugs aboard ... and two dead pi*sants ... probably the only Lightning intercept that resulted in an aircraft 'shot' down ! 

Another Lightning taking off on a routine flight - the lads see it off and all sit back in the crew room ... the last bloke comes in a little while after checking his pockets..."Shi*t! ... !!!" - "What?!?!" - "I've lost my spanner !" ... the aircrafts quickly called back down and lands safely ... the spanner was found planted sideways against the first set of stators. Lucky b*stard !

Dumbass greenie in the control tower makes a big fuss when a Lightning is on fire ! A rigger is recharging a Lightning's AVPIN ... when he's shocked to be surrounded by firemen with their hoses pointing at his face. "What?" ... the daft WAF in the tower had seen this rigger in full face mask 'n suit surrounded by 'smoke' which was infact the mist from the AVPIN ! She calls the fire brigade out ... much to their annoyance. 

My dad got a nice "surprise" when driving a few tanks of AVPIN around ... the trailer they were on overtook him 'cos the JT with him didn't hook it up right... the trailer kept to stop in the field and nothing blew up... Which is better than can be said for one of the other lads when AVPIN was allowed to be carried around in the Land Rover ... hot exhaust fumes ignited the stuff and this Land Rover went boom ... the lad driving it was seen running away with sh*t rolling down his leg. I know a lad who used to work for BAe ... who had his infatuation with puttin' AVPIN in peoples zippo lighters... - makes its own oxygen, does not go out when you close the lid! 

Malta ! - the RAF used to share their base with the Civvie airport...and the Lightning pilots used to sit there and rate the civvie landings as they taxiied by them. One day ..normal day.. an aircraft lands - horrible landing ... as he taxys by the lads they hold up C R A P ... the pilot rolls his eyes and laughs. 
Well , there's the prime minister (president ...whatever) of Malta's son onboard...or someone high ranking. He didn't find it funny... infact he took personal offence and 11 Sqdn. had to apologise. 

The RAF also apparently likes to replicate westerns ... as my dads friend jumped from power set to power set toward the tug at the front... six in total as it was buzzing around the airfield.


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## Njaco (Mar 20, 2008)

PB, my brother told me a similar story. He was at Parris Island and he had a tough DI. One day he dragged them all into the latrine and went to a toilet where there was a log floating. He started screaming at them and yelling, "Who left that!" etc. Finally he say "You think you guys are tough" and grabbbed it out of the bowl and took a bite. My brother said about 2 or 3 guys fainted.

Found out later the DI had taken a Snickers bar and mangles it a little and had plopped it in the toilet, then called everyone in.


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## A4K (Mar 20, 2008)

That explains the taste...


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 20, 2008)

Great stories guys


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## ccheese (Mar 20, 2008)

This one was told to me by the Communications Officer at
NAS Cecil field, back in the late 50’s.

Back when the Blue Angels were still flying prop jobs, they
were going from one city to another to perform. The weather
was bad, with a low cloud cover. They were flying above the
clouds when they heard the pilot of a PBM calling a ground
station, saying he was lost.

The CO of the Blues thought they would have some fun. They
located the PBM a few miles away, got into an echelon formation,
but _*inverted*_ and flew past the guy without saying anything.

The PBM driver saw them go by and thought he was the one that
was up-side-down. They watch him for quite awhile, trying to
turn that PBM over. It would get up on a wing, it would fall, and the
pilot would recover. 

I never heard whether he got in turned over or not…..

Charles


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## evangilder (Mar 20, 2008)

Thats a great one, Charles!


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## pbfoot (Mar 20, 2008)

Back in the day I was posted to a place thats media was 1 am radio station it started off every morning at 0600 with the mornings hymn, as the morning shift change was occuring one of the NCO's said F### the hymn and cut the power cord with a pair of side cutters . One bright officer seen this and decided to duplicate the feat the next morning on the repaired cord but he wasn't paying attention (typical officer) and cut the power cord with unisulated scissors to everyones amusement


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## Njaco (Mar 21, 2008)

So it was a bright idea!


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## A4K (Mar 21, 2008)

They should teach more officers that trick!!!


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## Matt308 (Mar 22, 2008)

That was freakin' hilarious Charles!!!

And thanks for all the great posts guys.


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## ccheese (Mar 22, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> That was freakin' hilarious Charles!!!



Glad you like that one, Matt. I'd have given a months pay 
to have been on that PBM.

Charles


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## Matt308 (Mar 23, 2008)

Well I don't know about that. Pretty dangerous stunt actually, 'imposing vertigo on some hapless pilot'.


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## pbfoot (Mar 23, 2008)

not mine but humourous
"then there was the Bristol Freighter an aircraft so homely and awkward looking it could only have built in Britain. a huge , fixed undercarriage hung below this sawed off duckling. the wing resembled a plank torn off a barn and the entire apparition moved through the air at a sedate 150mph . One control tower operator amazed on first spying one of these aircraft attempting to land on his airfield called the pilot and asked "what type of aircraft is that?"
"A Bristol Freighter" the pilot replied 
To which the controller replied " Did you make it yourself?"


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## mkloby (Mar 23, 2008)

pbfoot said:


> One bright officer seen this and decided to duplicate the feat the next morning on the repaired cord but he wasn't paying attention (typical officer) and cut the power cord with unisulated scissors to everyones amusement



Hey now!!!




pbfoot said:


> not mine but humourous
> "then there was the Bristol Freighter an aircraft so homely and awkward looking it could only have built in Britain. a huge , fixed undercarriage hung below this sawed off duckling. the wing resembled a plank torn off a barn and the entire apparition moved through the air at a sedate 150mph . One control tower operator amazed on first spying one of these aircraft attempting to land on his airfield called the pilot and asked "what type of aircraft is that?"
> "A Bristol Freighter" the pilot replied
> To which the controller replied " Did you make it yourself?"



That is pretty funny!


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## Captain Dunsel (Mar 23, 2008)

The place: Air Force Basic Training, Lackland AFB, TX. 
The date: Early MAR75

As Airman Basics (ABs), we were routinely harassed with inspections of all types. One day, our Training Instructor (TI) and a bunch of his buddies ran another harassment “exercise”. A bunch of screaming TI’s went through our lockers, pulling inspection tags out of the pockets of uniforms hanging in our lockers. They pushed the tags into our faces and reamed us for failing to them from our uniforms (Funny, but I knew I’d cleaned out my uniform pants…besides, each uniform type had a unique tag, and the TI had pulled FATIGUE tags from my tans...).

Anyway, after yelling at us for a while, the TI’s “decided’ to teach us a lesson by making us put all of our carefully folded uniforms, towels, and such into our duffle bags and double-time them downstairs to the parade area under our barracks. Once there, we had to drop our bags and stand at attention. 

That’s when we all heard and funny hissing/roaring noise….and it was coming from one not-very-sharp ABs duffle bag. A TI carefully opened the bag, looked in, and started making some very strange faces. He obviously wanted to laugh, but he was trying very, very hard to keep up the hard-a$$ persona. Shoulders shaking, he finally closed the duffle bag and walked away, shaking his head.

Some of you may remember the shaving cream cans that had a nozzle you pushed sideways to dispense the cream….Yup, our AB had tossed his shaving cream can into the bag, without the cap. It took him quite a while to clean up the mess…

CD


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## Matt308 (Mar 23, 2008)




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## machine shop tom (Mar 23, 2008)

My dad was a 40mm twin mount AA gunner on the Fanshaw Bay, CVE-70. During the Battle Off Samar, he and another gunner were sitting back to back, waiting to get sunk. They both lifted their heads back at the same time and "clink" went their helmets. They both about shat themselves........

tom


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## Captain Dunsel (Mar 24, 2008)

Late July, 1975
Chanute AFB, IL, Weather Observer Training School
Building 341 

I had to weigh my bags as I had graduated and was about to leave for my first duty assignment. The problem was, I couldn’t remember which building’s basement the scale was in. It was late in the evening when I started looking for the scale.

I went to the first building, walked into the darkened basement, and got yelled at by an angry voice when I reached for the light switch. Taking a quick look, I saw a couple in a tight embrace on the floor of the big room, with some articles of clothes scattered about. I apologized and backed out of the room, but not before I got a good look at the pair. 

I knew both of them; the female was rather well known as being available to just about anyone who was interested. They guy was married, and his (very) pregnant wife lived just off base. Hmm, time for some fun.

I knew a friend who had a bunch of bottle rockets in his trunk, so I got him and he fetched a pair of rockets. Along the way, I grabbed a pizza box from a convenient trash can. We made a simple ramp out of the box and put the pair of bottle rockets on it. I took a cigarette, punched a hole in it the side of it, and put the fuses from the bottle rockets into the fuse. I then lit the cigarette and we quickly crept down the darkened stairs.

As we crawled into the room, we could see the couple was now fully naked and, umm, "busy". I set the rocket launcher on the floor and aimed it in their direction, then my buddy and I crawled back out of the room and tip-toed up the stairs.

As we reached the top of the stairs, we heard the rockets WHOOSH almost simultaneously, followed by two quick BANGs and a some very loud screams.

We then trotted out of the stairwell, only to run right into a trio of student leaders. We said we really didn’t know what the explosions were about, but we did know there were two trainees in the basement, apparently exhibiting severe PDAs (Public Displays of Affection). The student leaders went to the basement, and we heard a LOT of laughter --- and cursing. 

We later learned the couple was escorted out of the basement; she was escorted to her floor and he was escorted off base. Both wanted to know who’d been shooting at them…

I later went back down and looked around the room. From where the rocket carcasses landed, it looked like they’d both gone off only a few feet from the guy’s butt…

Post-script: The guy and I both went off on our assignments. As far as I know, he never learned who’d interrupted his fun. I don’t know if his wife ever found about his indiscretion. The female was caught in a parked car with another female airman, and they both were discharged. 

CD


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## Matt308 (Mar 24, 2008)

Any pics of the female?


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## Captain Dunsel (Mar 25, 2008)

Sorry, no camera with me back then. Besides, she wasn't very attractive, IIRC.

CD


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## Matt308 (Mar 25, 2008)

Captain Dunsel said:


> Sorry, no camera with me back then. Besides, she wasn't very attractive, IIRC.
> 
> CD



 Yeah, never fails. A fantasy of mine I keep pursuing to no avail.


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## Captain Dunsel (Mar 25, 2008)

The place: Ramstein AB, Germany, 2cnd Weather Wing Headquarters
The time: 1991

I was a senior Captain by then, working in a shop that was being drawn down. Morale was pretty bad in our branch, which consisted of about 6 captains and one major.

Well, it was the major’s birthday. So, since I like to cook, I told him I’d make him a sponge cake.

Came the day, we gathered around and I brought out a rectangular aluminum pan, chocolate frosting and all. After some good-natured jibes, the major took a knife and started to cut the cake.

Problem is, when he pushed down on the cake, the knife refused to cut beyond the frosting. Our Major, who was into body building, leaned onto the knife and really pushed down…but when he relaxed, the cake pushed back! He looked at me, totally puzzled. That’s when I reminded him it was a SPONGE cake.

We have ignition! The light suddenly went on..

Him: “You mean..”

Me: “Yup, I used real sponges to make it!”

Him: "You %$*(*..."

The remainder of our conversation wasn’t fit for publication on a family-oriented web site, but, he did have a sense of humor about it! 

And yes, there was a second, real cake waiting in the next room!

CD


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## Matt308 (Mar 25, 2008)

Well done Cpt. Dunsel, well done.


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## mkloby (Mar 26, 2008)

ccheese said:


> This one was told to me by the Communications Officer at
> NAS Cecil field, back in the late 50’s.
> 
> Back when the Blue Angels were still flying prop jobs, they
> ...



I missed that story Charles - it was great! Poor PBM pilot. Trust the gyro!


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## A4K (Mar 26, 2008)

Nice trick with the cake, Captain!


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## pbfoot (Mar 26, 2008)

One of our intrepid NCO's left amessage for the Major saying the bank had called ref a bad deposit . The maj taking the number supplied by the NCO called the bank immediately P'off about this error . The number supplied by the NCO was for the sperm bank


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## Matt308 (Mar 26, 2008)




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## cristian.hidalgo (Mar 26, 2008)

well my cusine hade sent a vidio of him in iraq last week and and well he hade gone in a houes and fuond two other troops being gay and dude that was helires and me in the other hand well i had gone to boot camp for futer u.s ARMY troops and we hade to go one a mission and i lied down to sleep and went i wooke up i was 3 feet under mude and when i got out the enemy had cout my men and the did not notice me and i shot ate them like crazy and got my men back we laft after that and i was aworded a medel for being stelthy and rescuing my men and following the mirine modow no man left behind . p.s if you read this send me a meesag of what you think


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## Matt308 (Mar 26, 2008)

Get off this $ucking thread you scumbag piece of $hit. You are not worthy to wipe the arse of any man from any country serving in his armed forces.

Ban this Effer Mods. Now!!!!


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## Becca (Mar 26, 2008)

Wow..ok, I knew he was young..but sheesh. Cristian you'd better back it up, NOT a place to be making tool-like statements like that GROSSLY misspelled one you JUST pulled.

Wish I could help Matt, Les ran the boys to baseball.


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## Matt308 (Mar 26, 2008)

His time will come. And the mods are the least of his problems. I IM'd Dan. This asshat will amount to nothing in life. Its the bell-curve, Becca. Somebody has to stupid, poor, and clean the detritus of those who contribute to society. His punishment will last his lifetime. That you can be assured.


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## Matt308 (Mar 26, 2008)

And now I'm off to baseball too with my youngest, to watch tomorrow's heroes and successful citizens who will make a contribution to our future. Contrast that with CH and his utter disrespect. Effing punk. Here's what I am going to do with your "humorous post" and your private IM to me you dipwad SOB.


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## evangilder (Mar 26, 2008)

cristian.hidalgo said:


> if you read this send me a meesag of what you think



Here's what I think. You should be spending more time on your spelling homework and stop trying to BS here, little boy. That nonsense is not only incapable of passing the smell test for BS, it was silly and dumb. Learn to spell and use proper punctuation.


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## Becca (Mar 26, 2008)

strolling along..just being blissfully ignorant and *POW* the law of natural selection jumps up and claims another worthy, soon-to-be Darwin Award winner.


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## Matt308 (Mar 26, 2008)

evangilder said:


> Here's what I think. You should be spending more time on your spelling homework and stop trying to BS here, little boy. That nonsense is not only incapable of passing the smell test for BS, it was silly and dumb. Learn to spell and use proper punctuation.




No ban... Okay...


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## evangilder (Mar 26, 2008)

I don't think he'll be back. But if he does come back, and pulls another dumb stunt like that, he's history.


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## Matt308 (Mar 26, 2008)

Yessir.


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## A4K (Mar 27, 2008)

Is this guy connected to 'raging Lunatic' somehow..? Sounded like some of the examples you guys quoted from him.


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## timshatz (Mar 27, 2008)

To be honest, I couldn't understand his story. It was unreadable.

Not offended 'cause I couldn't figure out what he was saying. Something about being gay or some such.


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## Njaco (Mar 27, 2008)

I think he's fly boy's cousin. One post he edited because he "Needed friends".


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 27, 2008)

I should just straight out ban him but I am going to give him a warning first.

Oh and christian stop sending me emails calling me "Bro", I am not your "Bro".


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## ccheese (Mar 27, 2008)

That's what I get for sleeping in.... I missed it all ! Drat !

Charles


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## lesofprimus (Mar 27, 2008)

This is a fraud fellas... Aint no one that ignorant by accident... Its some 33 year old loser who gets his kicks acting like a naive teenager and seeing people jump around....

Ignore it and it'll go away, just like the fu*kin scab that he is....


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## Matt308 (Mar 27, 2008)

spot on Les


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## Matt308 (Mar 27, 2008)

Welllllllll... another one bites the dust, Mr. Liberal Hidalgo (aka Al Gore loving IQ=shoe size asshat). May you live short and not produce children who take the short bus.


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## evangilder (Mar 27, 2008)

C'mon Matt, tell us how you really feel.


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## Matt308 (Mar 27, 2008)

Okay, you're right. Enough.

Where were we gents... someone lighten up this party!


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## FLYBOYJ (Mar 28, 2008)

lesofprimus said:


> This is a fraud fellas... Aint no one that ignorant by accident... Its some 33 year old loser who gets his kicks acting like a naive teenager and seeing people jump around....
> 
> Ignore it and it'll go away, just like the fu*kin scab that he is....


Maybe he was Lunatic? You just described him perfectly Dan!!


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## A4K (Mar 28, 2008)

I was thinking the same thing, J.


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## Captain Dunsel (Mar 28, 2008)

A short one, from back when I was just an A1C at Griffiss AFB, NY. 

We had a CCTV system (Closed Circuit TV) that our MSgt chief forecaster used every morning to brief the alert F-106 crews. The CCTV was a big cabinet, with a camera pointed down at a table. To make sure the briefer was heard, there were two microphones, one on each side of the camera. Each microphone was mounted on a goose-neck type mount, about 2 feet long.

One day, as the MSgt started his briefing, he looked up at the microphone and just stopped and stared.

And stared.

Seems some unknown mischief maker had put a picture of an eye on each micophone. Considering how much the microphones looked like crab eye stalks...why not? 

Before the MSgt could restart his briefing, the crews called back and started asking him why he'd stopped. When he told them that the TV console was staring at him, they burst out laughing. For some months after that, he refused to do a briefing without first checking the mikes...and finding out where I was.

No, I didn't get into trouble..at least, not for that stunt!

CD


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## timshatz (Mar 28, 2008)

Good one, thanks for bringing the thread back.


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## timshatz (Mar 28, 2008)

Revised Aviation Dictionary 

ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off 
ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach. 
BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft. 
BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up 
CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion. 
"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button. 
CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centres. 
CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet. 
CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop. 
DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are. 
DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing. 
ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air. 
FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit. 
GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure. 
GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights. 
HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport. 
RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air. 
WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear. 
LANDING FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.


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## pbfoot (Mar 28, 2008)

it was my job every morning to to a time check while at the same time checking out the crash bells . So the speech went much like this at the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours . One day I decided to be a little bit cocky and with the typical ATC disdain for the family trees of the aircrew and made the following speech . "At the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours and for the aircrew the big hand will be on the 8 and the little hand on the 6"


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## Captain Dunsel (Mar 28, 2008)

I was a career Weather geek; I went in as an enlisted weather observer, became an officer, a forecaster, a technical consultant, and more. 

One of my duties, about a year after becoming (horrors!) a Second Lieutenant, was to be the weather briefer for a C-130 group at Elmendorf AFB, AK. I had that job for almost 3 years, before being transferred back to the lesser 48. One aspect of that job that I really loved was that I got to ride out to the remote radar sites, so I could be more familiar with them when I briefed the crews. I also got to brief the full-bird Colonel in charge of the group every weekday.

Shortly after I pinned on Captain, I was preparing my overhead projector slides, when I got called to a phone and had to leave them for a while. When I got back from the phone, I took the slides and walked over to the conference room to do the briefing.

All went well, until I got to the last slide. That's when the Colonel laughingly asked me if I read my slides before showing them. When I turned around to the screen and looked, I saw a note on the bottom of the last slide, reading "Help! Capt. Dunsel is keeping me prisoner in the weather station!".

 

No, I didn't kill the Sgt who'd done it, since he and his wife were close friends of ours (we still try to keep in touch, even though they now live near Nome and we live in NJ). 

CD


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 29, 2008)

Great stories guys


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## Matt308 (Mar 29, 2008)

Good ones! Back on track!


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## ccheese (Mar 29, 2008)

pbfoot said:


> it was my job every morning to to a time check while at the same time checking out the crash bells . So the speech went much like this at the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours . One day I decided to be a little bit cocky and with the typical ATC disdain for the family trees of the aircrew and made the following speech . "At the time of the tone it will be 0830 hours and for the aircrew the big hand will be on the 8 and the little hand on the 6"



They had a situation much like this while I was stationed in Charleston, SC,
in 1959. The local radio announcer gave the time, then added, "for the benifit
of you Marines, Mickey's big hand is on the.........." 

I heard the Commandant, 5th ND made such a stink over it, the man got fired.

Charles


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## pbfoot (Mar 29, 2008)

ccheese said:


> They had a situation much like this while I was stationed in Charleston, SC,
> in 1959. The local radio announcer gave the time, then added, "for the benifit
> of you Marines, Mickey's big hand is on the.........."
> 
> ...


wow that CO was little retentive


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## Matt308 (Mar 29, 2008)

ccheese said:


> They had a situation much like this while I was stationed in Charleston, SC,
> in 1959. The local radio announcer gave the time, then added, "for the benifit
> of you Marines, Mickey's big hand is on the.........."
> 
> ...



Man I hope that isn't true. Funny, but waste of a career.


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## A4K (Mar 31, 2008)

Great stuff guys!  

When I was in the ATC (Air training Corps) we sometimes drank with the old soldiers in the RSA club. One day the subject of sex came up (as it always does somehow..) and one of the old boys started making fun of one of my mates, saying he wouldn't even know what that was yet. My mate replied that not only did he know what it was, but had had it alot more recently than the old soldier had. The old boy thought about it and said "Well, the last time I had sex was about 1945". "There you go" said my mate, "That's bloody ages ago!". "I don't know about that,' replied the old soldier "it's only 2100 now!"


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 31, 2008)

Good one A4K


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## lesofprimus (Mar 31, 2008)

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, 1993...

During some weekend time, we headed to the PX and picked up a couple bottles of Rum and some Cokes.... Gonna hit the beach, get drunk, snorkel some, and BBQ some meat...

After we get sidetracked on the way to the beach, and much Rum consumption, we show up.... A small commotion goes on as we make our way to the little cabanas on the beach.... I run into my buddy Cooksie at one of the cabanas, wasted and wobblin all over the place... His feet are bleedin all over the place from several sea urchin spines that tagged him earlier....

At one point, I asked him how the hell he's dealin with the obvious pain in his feet, he pointed to this red gallon sized Thermos bottle with the sip spout on top.... He says "Take a couple swigs.."

So I tilt it back and start chuggin.... Several good gulps... Then take a breath and hit it again.... Gulp gulp gulp....

Then, that wonderful little reality check light comes on behind my right eye at the same time that the almost PURE 151 Bacardi Rum/Coke combination hits my gullet....

I ask Cooksie, "What the hell is this???"

He grins and says "Theres alittle Coke in there, the rest is 151..."

I knew at that very moment that I was in for an interesting evening.... Unfortunately, it also happens to be the one time in my life where I actually blacked out for a period of time... That is, being semi-functional and not remembering a thing....

We did some snorkeling on the reef, and I remember eating some cookies at the Cabana....

Reality came back around 8:30 or so, and I was on the Shuttle Bus back to the pier...

With a pair of shorts on....

And nothing else....

No ID card... No flip flops... No backpack or shirt, no wallet or hat... Just me, my nipple ring and my swim trunks....

I got off the Bus, and made my way to the beer tent and got a beer off a deck ape buddy of mine... Told the short story from above, and started scheming on how to get back on the ship without my ID....

Along come these 3 fu*kin Jarhead as*holes, drunk like everyone else, running their chaw-chewing mouths about my gay nipple ring... It didnt take long before I knocked one out, had the other in a headlock while his buddy was screaming for help....

Turns out, a Senior Chief on Shore Patrol I knew from another Cruise comes up and breaks this up... He knows me by name and gets me outta a hornets nest of drunk Marines before I get my ass stomped...

I found my way back onto the ship without my ID card.... Shore Patrol Escort.... 

I didnt get into any trouble, but man, the hangover I had the next 2 days more than made up for it...


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## DBII (Mar 31, 2008)

Ok, my stories are lame but here are a couple of fast ones. While in the USAR, I was rotated into the S-1 slot. Since it was an O4 postion and I was still a O3, I was only a little pissed about it. I was assigned an O2 as an asst. , he was an Inf type. Our unit was mostly tankers so the LT was always getting h***. 

He started off on the wrong foot. Our O6 would normally introduce the newbies at the end of the morning briefing. The meeting did not go well. The O6 had spend most of the meeting chewing on the O4s becasue they were not getting some basic admin functions done. He said the "this is not rocket science" line. A few minutes later he introduced the Lt and the O6 asked him what his real job was. The Lt answered rocket scientist. Of course the room broke out in laughter and the O6 was not happy. The Lt was working on his PhD in astrophyics something or another and worked at NASA. 

This was a special unit, 500 members and 400 were officers most of which were 04 and above and two Generals. The company officers did the work normally done by the NCOs. The Lt always told everyone that he was my p*** boy. He was the person that had to empty the chamber pots each day. Once the notice came down from Division that we had to have a Drug testing officer, I jumped at the chance to make the Lt a real p*** boy.

DBII


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## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2008)

lesofprimus said:


> Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, 1993...
> 
> During some weekend time, we headed to the PX and picked up a couple bottles of Rum and some Cokes.... Gonna hit the beach, get drunk, snorkel some, and BBQ some meat...
> 
> ...



That's friggin' classic...


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## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2008)

DBII said:


> Once the notice came down from Division that we had to have a Drug testing officer, I jumped at the chance to make the Lt a real p*** boy.
> 
> DBII




Good one, DB.


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## pbfoot (Mar 31, 2008)

This tale goes like this
Its about 1982 in Goose the RAF enlisted club has a 50lb pet rock named Rocky that they keep behind the bar but close enough to touch without going behind the bar . Me and my friend decide to kidnap the rock and with a little diversion I manage to grab the rock and walk out unseen. So the next day in the base mail we insert a envelope with a few pebbles in it with a note addressed to the RAF mess saying "if you want to see your rock again it'll cost you a round for the CAF on Tues at 2200hr ". Well things didn't goes as planned and we were ratted out and discovered to be the culprits . The pukes barred us for 2 months


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## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2008)

What did you expect Pb? You stole THE pet rock.


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## DBII (Mar 31, 2008)

You have to watch those evil pet rocks.

DBII


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## A4K (Apr 2, 2008)

There were probably a couple of stones spying on you from the barshelf...

Love that 'Rocket science' story!


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## ccheese (Apr 6, 2008)

Sometime during 1962, while stationed aboard USS Essex (CVS-9), we got a call from the USS Tullibee (SSN-597) stating her crypto gear was down. At this particular time she was headed to the Med and we were returning to Quonset Point, R.I.

I packed my gear, and a change of clothes. A helo took me to her, a few miles away. I didn’t know it at the time, but she had a brand new skipper, having had a change of command a few weeks before she departed Norfolk.

When I got on board I was taken right to the skipper. He told me he could only remain on the surface for two hours. It was ”get it fixed or go for a ride that may last 96 hours”. When I got to the radio shack, I went right to work. As soon as I got the cover off of this piece of gear, I saw one end of a broken spring swinging in the breeze. I put the spring in my pocket, put a new spring in it’s place and performed what we call a 1,000 letter check. The machine worked perfectly. I put the new spring back in my tool kit, and started to dissemble the machine, telling the Comm Officer he’d better let the Capt. know I was going to be there for awhile. Almost to the minute, two hours later I heard the sounds of diving... felt the downward angle of the boat, and had to swallow a couple of times to make my ears pop. The Comm Officer made me break for chow, so I joined part of the crew for supper... steaks to order. These bubble-heads know how to live ! 

Anyhow, couple of hours later the Comm Officer and the Master Chief Radioman (E-9), were in the radio shack talking. There was a plot afoot ! They and others on the sub were going to pull a practical joke on the new skipper. As they left the radio shack I didn’t know the details of the plot, but I knew it involved the #1 torpedo tube.

I fiddled and diddled with this piece of crypto gear til midnight, when the E-9 Radioman ordered me to hit the sack. He found a bunk not being used, and I crawled in. At around 0400 a noise woke me up, so I got dressed and went to the radio shack. The noise was a cable being released with a small buoy and a low frequency antenna attached. The radioman on duty (an E-6) was copying the Fox schedules. These fox skeds, as they are called, are broadcast to all subs at certain times of the day and night. After he finished, we got to talking. 

He was in on the plot, because he was going to be on duty in the control room when the plot was to be executed. He also told me I was going to remain on board until they got to Rota, Spain, that all that had been cleared with my skipper. So I started to reassemble the machine, telling the Chief I had found the problem and was just getting it all back together. He also assigned me a 2nd Class RM (E-5) to stay with me so I would not get lost or into trouble on the sub. I was placed in the Port duty section temporarily, also.

While on board I stood duty in the radio shack, and was allowed to “observe” the goings on in the control room while they had several drills. I was told the “plot” was to be executed at around 0800 the next morning. I was informed that the #1 torpedo was to be extracted from the tube for “routine servicing”, and the empty tube had been charged with air. Also the Operations Officer (O-4) was to be the main part of the plot. 

Right after the 0730 muster of all hands, the Ops Officer and the C.O. were in the control room just chatting about the days routine. The Ops Officer brought up the subject of “enemy submarines”, steering the conversation to Russian subs in general, and about Russian torpedoes in particular. The skipper was getting agitated, I could tell, because his answers were getting louder and louder. Finally the Ops Officer asked him what he’d do if the Russians fired one.

In a very loud voice, he said, “I’d fire one”. 

From the corner of the control room came a voice, “Number one fired electrically, Sir”, and you could feel the jolt throughout the boat of a torpedo tube being fired.

The skipper went ballistic ! “Who gave the order to fire that torpedo” ? “What were the settings” ? “Where is it going” ? “Can we destruct” ?

There were so many orders being given by so many people, most people did nothing. Then they started laughing and the skipper was let in on the joke. The only thing that came out of the number one torpedo tube was what they call a “slug”, a charge of compressed air.

At first the skipper wanted to put everyone on report, but the Ops Officer and others got him calmed down. I heard this was the topic of the day in the ward room, and the general mess.

I got off in Rota, Spain with a nice “Letter of Commendation” for my “tireless efforts” in repairing their crypto gear. After reporting in at NavSta Rota, I got a flight back to Newport, R.I. and a bus ride to Quonset Point.

I often wonder how much of this went on to initiate a new skipper.

Charles


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## timshatz (Apr 7, 2008)

Great story CC. Good chuckle.


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## DBII (Apr 7, 2008)

My Squardon Cmdr while of active duty was called "Son of Tank". His father was General Patton's goto guy and they named a tank after his old man.

The Ltc was known for going crazy if inspections did go well. Once he showed up several days early for an inspection. He chewed me out for about an hour because the arms room and billets were not ready. We had just came back from a field exercise the night before and most of the unit was in the motor pool working on their tracks. 

Being a Cav unit, there were many people that do not like being screwed over and have long memories. A year later the LTC inspected the arms rooms one night after hours. He called all of the Troop Cmdrs in the middle of the night to yell at them and then called a 0500 staff meeting. He demanded that each cmdr bring in a pistol for him the inspect and they had better not bring in a clean one? (Lets see bring in a dirt weapon so I can yell at you in front of the staff about having dirty weapons. If you bring in a clean weapon then I will yell at you for not bringing a dirty weapon so I can yell at you for not doing your job.)

I wish I could have been at that staff meeting. When the HQ Troop Cmdr gave the Ltc a pistol to inspect, he went crazy. He started yelling and screaming about what a piece of s*** it was. It was covered with rust...etc. He demanded to know who the pistol belong to. The Troop Cmdr brought the Ltc's pistol in for the meeting. The Ltc clearned the room and started on the Cmdr. Later the Captain said that he was tired of being jerk around and it was worth the a** chewing that he received. We never had any more troubles with inspections. 

DBII


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## Matt308 (Apr 7, 2008)

Very nice DB. And Mr. C that was another classic.


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## pbfoot (Apr 7, 2008)

Not mine but funny
We were flying Stirling bombers on special ops and had just returned from a trip. Getting out of the aircraft at dispersal we saw another Stirling taxiing into it's dispersal alongside. Suddenly as the aircraft cut its motors the rear gunner flipped out of his turret and landed on his head with a sickening thud on his head with his chute billowing over him.
Our crew ran over to see what was going on and found the tail gunner out cold. As thepilot climbed down we found out what happened.
They had been flying close to the enemy coast in range of German flak batteries and the aircraft had suffered a great deal of damage. The rear gunners oxygen and heat had been cut off in the shooting. Unsure if he could keep the Stirling flying the skipper had warned the crew to prepare to abandon ship. But after a while the pilot got things organized and was able to fly back to base. Meanwhile the gunner had passed out due to lack of oxygen. 
the landing must have jarred him awake and when they rolled into dispersal he was still groggy As the engines stopped the skipper said "OK guys bail out ". Which the gunner did recieving a mild concussion and weeks of ribbing


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## A4K (Apr 8, 2008)

great one PB !


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## olbrat (Apr 10, 2008)

Just like a cartoon:

I was at a Philippine Airforce Base to inspect some surplus J57 engines and F8 Crusaders. This occured after the euption of Mt. Pinatubo. They had dug out the base, and had some scrub brush, briars and small trees growing back. Myself and two Philippine Sgt's fought our way through some course thickets and briars to get to some J57 engine containers. The cans were still partially covered in volcanic ash. With the inspection port on the lower-bottom half, we had to dig out some ash to get to it. After removing the inspection port door, I realized that there would be no graceful way to do the inspection so I got down on my hands and knees to look. As you can imagine, my knees were up on the pile of ash, and my head was substantially below my knees, with my backside pointing to the sky. Just as I stuck my head in the inspection hole, one of the Sgt's said, "watch out for snakes." Just about that time, one of the briar thickets we pushed aside shifted and smacked me in the rear. The resulting GONG of my head hitting the engine container was heard half way across the base. I couldn't stand for a couple of minutes and only saw stars. The Sgt's couldn't stop laughing. They were in tears as I tried to stand and fell in the briar thicket. They fell over when I told them, "I meant to do that". They made up for it when they said the cure for "snake bite" was San Miguel Beer. Who was I to argue?


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## comiso90 (Apr 10, 2008)

ccheese said:


> In a very loud voice, he said, “I’d fire one”.
> 
> 
> At first the skipper wanted to put everyone on report, but the Ops Officer and others got him calmed down. I heard this was the topic of the day in the ward room, and the general mess.
> ...



have you seen the movie "the Bedford Incident"? Great movie with a similar punchline.


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## DBII (Apr 10, 2008)

Good stuff guys. Here is a fast one. My first assignment was with a National Guard Cmbt Engr Plt. These guys were great at being Engrs but not at being Inf. This was in the early 80's and the unit had several war Vets. My Plt Sgt was Marine Recon in Nam and was training the junior enlisted on the finer points of squad movements under fire. All the Plt Ldrs and Plt Sgts were assigned to be OPFOR. There was one kid that just could not ever find a covered postion when we attacked and of course was always being killed. The last day out, we attacked and the kid did a perfect landing and rolled into the brush. The unit went wild, yelling, screaming, and clapping. The Plt Sgt was congradulating him on getting it right. That was when I yelled bang, He had rolled into my postion.

Next one. We were asked to go to the locale Boy Scout Camp to remove dead/dying trees and to blow tree stumps. I was 21. My fellow Plt Ldr was prior enlisted ranger Nam Vet. I was going to get to use real explosives! Talk about having wood! I had to fight senior NCOs but I was going blow something up. We went through the training. The OIC walked us through the calculations and everthing was perfect. We pack the civilian dynamite under the tree stump. The fuse was lit and we jumped behind a fallen tree. The resulting explosion threw dirt over us and the stump landing in a near by lake. The hole was large enough for 20 people to stand in. The OIC saw on the case that the sticks were one pound. He thought we had 1/4 pound sticks.

DBII


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## timshatz (Apr 10, 2008)

Good one DB. Good stories all.


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## ccheese (Apr 10, 2008)

comiso90 said:


> have you seen the movie "the Bedford Incident"? Great movie with a similar punchline.



The name of the movie does not ring any bells, but I can amagine the
confusion such a remark could have to the guy with his finger on "the 
button", if his mind was not on his job. I'll have to google that...

Matt: Thanks... I have more (somewhere back there), I just have to
have "total recall"..

Charles


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## pbfoot (Apr 10, 2008)

I had just finished basic and was sent to an Comox BC for on the job training prior to my trades course . I arrived to the section and was ordered to a section party I was petrified of anybody above my little rank I don't think I'd ever talked to an officer at this point. Well at the party I was force fed far to much booze and while stumbling home to the barracks was stopped by the MPs . Well they asked me if I wanted to go to the barracks or jail and being more then tipsy said it doesn't matter . Well to jail I went. Early the next am i was awoken by a screaming MP sergeant (this high rank scared me) and he said get to the barracks get in your best uniform and report to the Major of my section I ran to the barracks changed etc and ran to the section .I arrived and the WO not uttering a word marched me into the into the majors office and with the called halt. I raised my leg in the prescribed manner as to come to attention well the knee hit under the desk a lifted it up , drawers opened papers spilled on the Majors lap . I am now utterly petrified 
the major looked at me with a steely eye and said "last night was not part of the prescribed training and for your punishment you will get go and report to 407 sqn for whatever punishment they deem . 
I left the office petrified as to what punishment they could hand down to make along story short the sqn told me to go to the barracks a pack a bag with enough several days and upon returning with my bag was given orders to go on a familiarization flight to Hawaii. I flew there in an Argus probably one of the few NATO aircraft with a clear nose , it was my seat and the aircraft was never above 200ft the whole way , flew over pods of whales , ships you name it best aircraft ride of my life . 
It turns out the whole thing was a set up right from the start a welcome to the real world after basic . Great boss and section


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## A4K (Apr 11, 2008)

Good stuff, guys !

While reading Pb's comment remembered some of the tricks people would play on lower ranks in the Air Force.

One of the best was when one of the guys was sent to the other side of the base (a long walk round the airfield) for "a long weight" -as he understood it.. Well, as you can imagine when he got to the explosives depot, they heard what he was after, and just said "Okay". He was there for about half an hour before finally asking where the 'long weight' was. "What do you mean ?' they asked, 'half an hour's not enough ?" - he was sent for a 'long wait', of course.

My favourite though was when a mate of mine (an Avtech...) was sent round the base for a tin of 'red and yellow striped paint' -the poor bugger was shunted off to about 6 different locations before someone kindly told him it was a joke! He was very clued up on Avionics equipment, but not so with more domestic products...


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## ccheese (Apr 11, 2008)

A4K said:


> My favourite though was when a mate of mine (an Avtech...) was sent round the base for a tin of 'red and yellow striped paint' -the poor bugger was shunted off to about 6 different locations before someone kindly told him it was a joke! He was very clued up on Avionics equipment, but not so with more domestic products...



In the US Navy, especially on board a ship, it's common to send a boot
to the First Lt's office for "10 fathoms of waterline", or to the engine
room for "a bucket of steam".

Charles


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## DBII (Apr 11, 2008)

Go down to the motor pool for a thousand meters of grid line. And while you are there, check the air pressure in the road wheels of the tank (It is solid rubber). 

DBII


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## davparlr (Apr 12, 2008)

ccheese said:


> I hear you Matt…. Unfortunately, all of us with stories to tell, also remember the
> ones that are not funny, some are deadly serious.
> 
> I was
> ...



Great story Charles. Sad about the lost passengers and crew.

Scuba, 1955, wow, the early days of scuba.


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## davparlr (Apr 13, 2008)

Well, being a snake bit pilot, I have a few stories, some funny, some you may find interesting. First, just for Mloby, I will start off with Marine stories (I've told these before). 

In pilot training we had four Marine pilots in our AF class. Apparently, they were overflows from Navy training. This was a good deal for them since, because the AF trained in the T-38, they automatically were assign to F-4s when they graduated. Two were pretty sharp, but two were not the brightest bulb in the package, in fact one barely glowed orange. This one had a couple interesting events. He certainly drew attention to himself when he entered initial at 500 ft, effectively buzzing the field. The second funny event occurred when he was out flying solo in the T-38. He called up Kansas City Center saying that he was on the Kingfisher radial 270 at 52 miles and was lost (this means he told center exactly where he was). Those two Marines finished last in the class and I heard later that they were changed to C-130s.

Now one of my exploits.

I was on my initial line check for upgrade to aircraft commander. Upgrade requires a local check, which verifies flying abiltiy and emergency handling ability, and a line check which verifies ones ability to manage a mission. My copilot was already an aircraft commander on an annual line check. The flight examiner was in the jump seat. The flight engineer was a trainee and the instrutor engineer was off intercom. We had taken off from Kadena AB in Okinawa enroute to Thailand, most likely Udorn, an F-4 strike base. The weather was typical Okinawa weather, hot and humid with cumulus clouds all about. As we were climbing out, going in and out of clouds, the flight examiner decided to get up and go to the john (we could do that on the C-141). Right after he left, the number three engine decided to misbehave. All vertical scale engine indicators for number three were bouncing up and down and we were getting a bit of aircraft shudder, all indications of engine failure. This was confirmed by both the copilot and engineer (trainee). Emergency procedures: Throttle idle, Fire handle pull. About the time the engine was shut down, the instructor engineer had gotten on the intercom and said that nothing was wrong. The engine anti-ice, which dumps hot bleed air into the engine (I think take offs with visible moisture required engine anti-ice) was causing the engine to stall. All we needed to do was to turn off the anti-ice (nothing the manuals about this-an old crewmember wisdom). So we initiated a engine start in-flight check list and the engine came back on line. About that time, the instructor came back and had no idea anything went on (I guess he thought some aircraft shudder was normal with students on board!) We did tell him and he told us we were lucky the engine started or he would have got to evaluate a three-engine approach into Kadena.

In my next stories, I will tell you about how I got Squadron Training in touble with the new Squadron Commander. And, then how I was able to be the cause of McGuire AFB failing a Operational Readiness Inspection (ORI). All important entries into my Squadron reputation. The lesson to be learned from these is, don't be in the wrong place at the wrong time.


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## Matt308 (Apr 13, 2008)

I'm going to congratulate (self flaggelate?) myself for such an enlightening thread. You guys are making this a classic. I am utterly amused with your tales. Well done, gents.


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## davparlr (Apr 13, 2008)

Post two. Don't be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Example one. After the initial line check (see above post), a new aircraft commander is assigned a "buddy" ride with an experienced aircraft commander as a copilot. Of course, me, being snake bit, drew as my aircraft commander copilot "buddy", the brand spanking new Squadron Commander! Not good. We went on a relatively short Stateside mission called a special mission. All went well and I got along okay with my new Squadron Commander. After we returned, in the crew bus, he asked me where were the special mission documents. Uh-oh. I had never heard of a special mission document before. He pulled them out and started to explain to me what they were about. Then the loadmaster jumped up and said "so there they are, I have been looking for them the whole flight". It seems our squadron’s policy was for the loadmaster to fill them out and we were never briefed on them. Needless to say, the new Squadron Commander had a serious discussion with our Squadron Training department. It wasn't a big deal, but every pilot in the Squadron knew my name.

Example two, BIG DEAL. All aircraft commanders were required to intermittently pull Supervisor of Flying (SOF) which was basically an expediter. He drove around in a car and checked to make sure everything was flowing smoothly; making sure aircraft about to be launch had required fuel, maintenance, etc. I pulled SOF. On my pre-briefing, with the Deputy Chief of Operations (DCO), which was really unusual, I learned that McGuire was expecting an Operational Readiness Inspection (ORI), which was a big deal and affected the evaluation of the top base and wing command. Again, uh-oh. I was told that if I was approached and was instructed about some sort of event, look up what I should do in the SOF instruction book. Okay, I can do that, and I charged off. Sure enough, as I was driving around this full bird colonel waved me down, got into my car and handed me a note. “This is an ORI, at the end of the runway with engines running is a T-29 and it has been high jacked, what are you going to do?” Ah-ha, I told him that I would look it up in my book. So I looked. Hmmmm, nothing on high jacking (did I ever tell you that I was snake bit). So, being a well trained aircraft commander, I told the colonel that, having no guidance, I would rely on my MAC manual 55-1, operating procedure (for aircrew). It said that if an aircraft was high jacked the crew would request (by moving surfaces) for different type of assistance. So I drove out to the runway, and sure enough, a T-29 was setting there with engines running. We sat there for a few minutes awaiting for some clue from the crew when, all of a sudden mayhem broke out, Air Police, fire trucks, ice cream trucks, every thing, came flying all around us. The colonel turned to me and said, do you think that aircraft could have taken off by now. I said, sure, it had plenty of time. He said I am going to call this off before an accident happens. I had a bad feeling about that. We failed the ORI. Needless to say, I visited the DCO again to explain myself. It seems the SOF was supposed to physically prevent a high jacked aircraft from taking off by pulling in front of the nose wheels. Well, of course, since I had not been instructed properly nor was instruction in the book, nothing really happened to me. However, my reputation at the squadron was added to.

I never really trusted that 55-1 any more.

Next Post, some interesting missions.


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## A4K (Apr 14, 2008)

Interesting stuff, mate! Keep 'em coming!


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## Captain Dunsel (Apr 14, 2008)

I had my fun with the inspectors when I was a very junior 2Lt at the Barksdale AFB headquarters of 8th AF. I’d been in the AF for about 5 years, most of them as an enlisted Weather Observer at Griffiss AFB, NY. Then, after getting my degree and a commission via the AF, I was assigned to the 8th AF Weather Support Unit (WSU). Our primary job was to brief the 3-star general commanding 8th AF and his staff on weather throughout 8th AF’s area of responsibility. That briefing, done every weekday morning, was started by the mid-shift forecaster, then finished and presented by the day-shift forecaster. It was always a whirlwind of activity, as we had to prepare slides and a briefing book for our full-bird Squadron Commander to use when the 3-star was briefed. If there were any slip-ups, the Squadron Commander had to buy a round of drinks at the O’Club for the General’s staff, so we were under a LOT of pressure to make those briefings as perfect as possible. 

Consider, too, that as we were finishing up the briefing, we also had to run real-world stuff. Thunderstorms in a low-level route? Have to make calls and recommendations to the controllers. Lots of stuff to make the mornings very, very busy.

I knew I was in for some trouble when I saw the Lt. Col. weather guy on the Wing inspection come walking into our office as I was working on some slides. He stood there as his cohort, a Major, dropped an index card into my lap with a scenario of some disaster. I forget what it was, but I recall that it would have mandated my being very, very busy doing that task when I had the big briefing to prepare. So, I handed the card back to the Major and politely told him I couldn’t do it as I had real-world matters to prepare. The two just stared at me.

I (again, politely) suggested that I could call in my supervisor and some of the regular day-shifters to help with the exercise, but that I had to get my Colonel’s briefing ready. Remember, the inspection was only for Weather and the rest of 8th AF had no part in it. Think the 3-star would care if his weather weenies were getting inspected? Hah!

As it was almost time for the rest of the day shifters to arrive, I suggested that they wait a few minutes for them to come in. They fussed and fumed, but agreed to wait.

Within a few minutes, my Lt. Col. supervisor came in. When I briefed him on what was happening, he let me keep working on the briefing and took care of the exercise. Later, he told me that the two inspectors had griped to the Colonel because a mere 2LT had refused to drop his real-time job to do their exercise, but that the Colonel had told them where to stick it!

CD


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## davparlr (Apr 14, 2008)

This site has some really great stories. This story is a bit off topic but I think you will find it interesting.

Missions

Strangest mission. I was the copilot. We launched out of McGuire northward toward Canada and on to Thule, Greenland. Leaving Thule, we continued northeast to a Danish weather station called Norde (Danish for north), which sits about 400 miles from the North Pole. Magnetic compasses did not work and we had to shift to direct gyro settings with the navigator giving us direction. Norde was like a science fiction movie (The Thing) site. The runway was an area of smoothed out snow with barrels outlining a runway. The weather station was on a slight snow covered hill and consisted of little huts with various antennas projecting from their roofs. 

Cargo: *Frozen dinners*

Most famous mission. McGuire had the mission to provide Presidential support which required a C-141 on alert continuously while the President was in Washington. We transported the limousine (it weighs 12000 lbs) and Secret Service to wherever the President was going. Aircrews rotated pulling alert, alpha (three hour launch? My memory is weak) pulled at the BOQ, or bravo (twelve hour launch?), pulled at home. But, because we always had an alert bird, these missions often supported emergency actions.

October 10, my birthday. I was on alpha alert. I had reputation of always launching and sure enough we got alerted for launch. The first indication that this was not going to be a normal mission was when my loadmaster informed me that they were loading fork lifts on the aircraft incorrectly, not placing plywood down to distribute the weight. When I informed the ops officer, I was instructed not to worry, all waivers would be given. I was to get the bird off the ground. Not knowing what our mission was, we took off. We flew to Harrisburg, Pa. and the second unusual event occurred. Harrisburg was closed but they opened it for us. We landed and the only person on the field was in the tower. We were told to park on a taxiway next to some trucks. Our crew was to unload the trucks and load the aircraft with the previously loaded fork lifts. Crew members almost never manually load the aircraft. After loading for a while, I got a call from the tower. Someone from the Joint-Chiefs-of-Staff (this is right below the Secretary of Defense, also, very unusual) wanted to talk to me. After anxiously climbing up the tower, I was told to get the aircraft off the ground, to which I responded that we were loading the plane by hand and we would be leaving soon. We took off and headed for Oceania NAS, Virginia (two parallel runway, one is 12000 ft long). On landing on the short runway, we were told to taxi to the end of the runway and shut down (another strange request, nobody shuts down on a runway). We complied and noticed that, sitting on the parallel runway next to us was a Boeing 707 completely covered in wrapping paper. It looked like a big package. The loading doors were open, however, and we could read on the inside, EL AL. The load we were carrying was 40,000 lbs of Shrike missiles (anti-radar missiles). They loaded up the Boeing, which already had a load of Sidewinders, with the Shrikes, and took off. The Boeing used the entire length of field to take off. The year of course, was 1973. 

When we returned home to McGuire, I turned on the news with Walter Conkrite and he started off his news with “Today, the US provided its first support mission for Israel. This is a Boeing 747 (newsmen know beans about airplanes) taking off to fly to Israel with a load of US arms” (paraphrased), and, shown on TV, was my C-141 taking off back to N.J. I’m a TV star!

Next, more interesting missions. Hint, if you have to alert your enlisted crew in the NCO club, you can bet this flight will be interesting.


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## Matt308 (Apr 14, 2008)

Well hurry up then!


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## pbfoot (Apr 14, 2008)

Also an event that took placein an opeval (ori) we had intruders in the tower and they wanted to take control . Siting in the corner of the tower cab was a over and under shotgun which we used with noise makers to scare birds . The intruders were some grunts and were totally shocked when the Satco came out with the shotgun ending the excercise prematurely


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## davparlr (Apr 14, 2008)

pbfoot said:


> Also an event that took placein an opeval (ori) we had intruders in the tower and they wanted to take control . Siting in the corner of the tower cab was a over and under shotgun which we used with noise makers to scare birds . The intruders were some grunts and were totally shocked when the Satco came out with the shotgun ending the excercise prematurely



I'll bet!


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## Matt308 (Apr 14, 2008)

Game over. Shotguns tend to have demanding attention. Especially when you are staring down the wrong end.


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## comiso90 (Apr 14, 2008)

As a newbie at Comiso Air Station in Sicily, I was excited to indulge in my new favorite sport - SCUBA diving. A couple of people who had been there for a while offered to show me a new SCUBA spot they were anxious to try called "Porto Paolo." I mentioned Porto Paolo to some other co-workers and they warned me against going. "Porto Paolo? you mean porta potty! they're messing with you, they dump raw sewage there." I shared this concern with the people that I was going diving with and they said that they were just messing with the new guy. "Don't listen to them, Porto Paolo is a great place to dive." Determined not to be the subject of any hazing, I decided that if the people were willing to go with me, how bad could it be??????

I went diving there with my 2 guides and soon to be ex-friends.

20 minutes into the dive, and 30 feet down the water was unusually cloudy. Fragile, ribbony wisps of white paper floated buy. Strange clumpy material hung suspended in the water.

That old sinking feeling set in. I surfaced to get a better look. Twenty yards away, my fears were realized. There was a pipe dumping RAW SEWAGE. Bands of toilet paper stuck to our equipment. My god, was that disgu.sting!

Yes gentlemen, I have been diving in raw sewage!

One bright point, I found a gold necklace worth $1000 on the same dive! Still, I dont think it was worth it.


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## Matt308 (Apr 14, 2008)

And those Aholes went with you? And the joke was on whom?


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## wilbur1 (Apr 14, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> And those Aholes went with you? And the joke was on whom?



Yea they were probably looking for that necklace


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## comiso90 (Apr 14, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> And those Aholes went with you? And the joke was on whom?



They didnt know either. They over exaggerated their experience. they were horrified too.

I wanted to take a bath in clorox. For years if I need to makemyself puke, I'd think of that day!

.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 14, 2008)




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## pbfoot (Apr 14, 2008)

comiso90 said:


> They didnt know either. They over exaggerated their experience. they were horrified too.
> 
> I wanted to take a bath in clorox. For years if I need to makemyself puke, I'd think of that day!
> 
> .


Guess your not keen on plumbing


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## davparlr (Apr 15, 2008)

WOW! That tops everything.


Next entry,

Background. After the initial support noted in the previous post, the US started recognized active support for Israel. Due to the fact that only Portugal provided any support, we had to stage out of Lajes AB, Azores. Staging meant that a crew flew to Lajes and went into crew rest awaiting the next aircraft, a new crew, coming out of crew rest at Lajes would take the aircraft, fly to Israel and back, go into crew rest and another crew would take the aircraft back to the US and so on. Lajes was full of crews on various stages of crew rest, awaiting aircraft to fly. These were interesting missions. We had to avoid all controlled airspace which required us to split the straits of Gibraltar, and avoid all land masses and fly the borders of airspace control. In addition, two carriers were stationed in Mediterranean just in case the Libyans decided to stick their noses into our business, they didn’t. Near Cyprus we picked up Israeli escort fighters and flew into Tel Aviv. El Al stewardesses served us box lunches (girls were nice, food so-so) while we unloaded. One of the guys supervising the unloading told us that the ammo we were bringing would be fired in 30 minutes! Close front. Then we had to fly back making it a long trip. Now the story.

We had gotten back from Israel and were waiting for our next aircraft. When we got off crew rest, I called ops to see when the aircraft we would take would land. They told me about 24 hrs. Just three hours later, we were alerted to go fly. However, the duty officer told me he could not locate two of my enlisted personnel, an engineer and a loadmaster. I thought, I’ll bet the men called ops like I did and got the same answer. “Did you call the NCO club?” I asked. 

As I was filing my flight plan, I was interrupted by someone calling my name. I was then informed that one of my crew members was in the brig. It seems one of my engineers, a multi-striped sergeant who was about to retire, had refused to pay his quarters bill. He was authorized a private room and he had been put in a room with other crewmembers and he wasn’t going to pay. Remember, I said that there were aircrews all over the base, some sleeping on the hanger floor. One of the ops officers went and bailed him out and it appeared that we would be able to make the flight. Upon arriving at the aircraft, sure enough, all were present and all seemed well. That is, until I recognized that the two crewmen, the ones that were not jailed, were potted. The loadmaster couldn’t find the aircraft if he was standing next to it. The engineer was at least on earth but not fully functional. I was fuming and now I had a big problem. Should I refuse to take the plane, which I could with inoperable crewmembers, or I could complete the mission. It didn’t take long to decide to go, I had one good engineer (although a jailbird), and we had no load, so I didn’t need a loadmaster. There no load to tie down and cg would be easy to figure. Going would be a lot less trouble than not, and that’s including judicial action. Did I tell you that my navigator was a light bird who was head of the squadron nav section? That didn’t help. Anyway, the rest of the flight was uneventful except that it was the quietest flight I have ever been on. On arriving at the base I went to see the Squadron Commander (who already had an encounter with me). He told me he didn’t need to talk to me, just go and write a report. Apparently the nav already got to him.

Well, I have hijacked this site long enough. I have just one entry, my scariest landing, my proudest mission, and my most heartbreaking mission.


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## davparlr (Apr 15, 2008)

Okay, the last installment,

Scariest landing. We were flying an exercise with the Army, flying out of Ft. Cambell, Ky., I believe. As at Lajes, we had about six surplus crews pre-positioned to maintain smooth aircraft support for the exercise. The mission was over and I pulled the job of flying the return to McGuire with these crews as passengers. This is called “dead heading”. The weather at McGuire was predicted to be marginal. When we arrived, things had deteriorated, an occluded front (bad) set squarely over the base. As we began our approach, the runway was above minimums. The problem was not ceiling nor visibility, but winds which were gusting with changes of direction. The C-141 was a great aircraft to fly, very predictable, reliable and powerful. However, it could be a handful to fly in a crosswind with a natural desire to lift the upwind wing and strong tendency to windmill (swing into the wind). This was multiplied several times in a gusting crosswind. Crosswind limit was 25 kts.(29 mph). The runway we were using, landing to the south, had Ground Controlled Approach (GCA, precision), i.e. radar directed approach, and a back course ILS (localizer only, non-precision). I was flying the GCA with localizer backup. Turbulence was moderate and the dead head crews were getting sick. Runway conditions were wind gusting 15-35 kts, swinging plus or minus 90 degrees to runway heading. I knew this would be fighting the bronco on this approach. I decided to make a go at it and go-around if conditions were out of tolerance. The GCA controller was having problems getting us over to the flight path. I noticed that drift (we had a drift meter and that is wonderful) was 30 degrees off heading. At one point the controller called out “left of flight path, left of flight path, too far left for safe approach, wait, I think you can make it”, not reassuring, but I had already made correction due to drift and I also had the back course localizer. Now I had to deal with the crosswind landing so I had someone tally off the changing wind (talking directly to the tower). Luckily, as we got near the runway, winds dropped off a bit and normal landing was accomplished anticlimactically. After I shut down the engines I was wet with sweat and could hardly get out of the seat. I think everyone was glad to have their feet on the ground.

Proudest mission I always liked medical evacuation (medivacs) missions. They seem so constructive compared to carrying bombs and helicopters and other war devices. The C-141 provided medivacs from Vietnam and any other place in need (we also brought back bodies of fallen servicemen, which I am glad to say I never had to do). This particular mission started in Germany. We were scheduled to go home but got an aircraft set up for an emergency medivac. We took off out of Frankfurt and flew to Madrid and picked up an augmented medical crew. We took off out of Madrid and headed for Abidjan, Ivory Coast (located under the hump on the west side of Africa). Because no country would let us fly over, we had to fly around the hump, which made for a long flight especially considering that we had to return, thus the augmented crew. Our mission was to pick up a Peace Corps worker who had an ulcer. The mission went smoothly. I remember that, on our return trip, tired of flying, looking back and seeing this magnificent aircraft, an augmented flight crew and an augmented medical crew and a nearly twenty-four hour mission all put together for one Peace Corp volunteer. I was proud to be an American.

My most heart breaking mission. I hate to end with this story, but it was near the end of my AF career if not my last mission. I was pulling Presidential support and, of course, we launched, this time as a medivac. Oddly enough, there were two C-9 Nightengales broken down in separate places. Both had burn patients en route to Kelly AFB (a famous burn center) in San Antonio. We stopped in Washington D.C. for the first pick up and then on to North Carolina for the second pick up. Out North Carolina, heading for Kelly, we got a phone patch for the doctor. I heard him argue for a while and ended the phone patch. He said there was a request to divert to Jacksonville NAS to pick up a man who was in a jeep accident and had third degree burns over 90% of his body. He had argued against going but was apparently talked out of it. At Jacksonville, I requested fuel and was told that I had to wait as the base was running an exercise. I informed the ops officer that I was an emergency medivac and if I did not get priority, my next call was to Commander Military Airlift command. During peacetime, I believe that the only aircraft that has priority over a medivac is Air Force One. He complied immediately. We loaded the patient and his parents. The C-141 was configured with about one third of the space taken up by passenger seats in the front, the passenger seats in a C-141 face aft. In the rear were medical cots stacked with the injured and the medical staff. As I was taxiing out, the doctor instructed me to stop. He had to operate on the new patient, opening his chest so he could breathe. Remember, his parents are on board and, with the aft facing seats, watched all that was going on. Over Mississippi, the doctor requested a minister to meet the plane at Kelly. He did not tell me he had passed away, nor did I ask. It is a real pain legally for a person to die on an aircraft. We landed and I helped carry the guy off the plane. It was a sight I will never forget. The entire crew was emotionally exhausted and went into crew rest.

I know that I deviated from the thread, but I though you guys might find these interesting. One of the interesting parts of flying airlift, other than going all over the world, is that you tended to be involved in everything.

Sorry for being so verbose.


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## Wildcat (Apr 16, 2008)

Thanks for sharing these very interesting stories Davparlr !


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## A4K (Apr 16, 2008)

Yep, thanks alot, mate!

BTW, can you tell me how the drift meter works? I have to make one for my C-47 model, and was curious about it's function.


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## davparlr (Apr 16, 2008)

A4K said:


> Yep, thanks alot, mate!
> 
> BTW, can you tell me how the drift meter works? I have to make one for my C-47 model, and was curious about it's function.



Hmmm, I am not sure of how a drift meter fits on a C-47 model. To us it was just a gage and an unobtrusive antenna. I doubt many C-47s had that kind of drift meter. There is one, I believe, that predates radar and uses a ground looking telescope and a navigator looked at the ground and made measurements on drift and ground speed. I don't know if that was ever used on a C-47. Others may have better data on this system.

For the C-141, I believe that it was part of a doppler radar system that generated drift and ground speed. Both extremely useful for navigation in pre-GPS days . The drift was also a great help in flying approaches. The C-141 had state-of-the-art navigation systems for 60s and early 70s. This was also before good interial systems.


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## A4K (Apr 16, 2008)

Yep, that was the one, mate! I got close up photos of it from the RNZAF Museum as fitted in our C-47s, just wasn't sure how they used it. Thanks!


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## comiso90 (Apr 16, 2008)

Thanks Dav,


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## hurricanemk2 (Apr 24, 2008)

My grandfather swears this tale is true but I think it may be a stock tale about aircrew .He was a Flight Engineer on Lancasters opperating out of Waddington in Lincolnshire . 
One night slated for a raid on " The big city " the Lanc was over its max safe weight and was struggling to get airbourne , as bill and the pilot worked on getting the thing up and rapidly running out of runway , the mid upper gunner came on to the RT and said " Excuse me Skip but if we're going by road there's a 30 mph speed limit ! " It broke the tension and off they went for a non eventful sortie .
Bill swears thats what happened and I , for one , believe him .


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## A4K (Apr 24, 2008)

Love it, mate!


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## pbfoot (Apr 25, 2008)

Hot mikes almost desreves athread by itself
It was a slow Sunday with no scheduled flying so it was quiet in the Ratcon , so the always present card game was on .
We recieved an inbound on a weekend cross country (or dad can I borrow the T bird and go to Florida) the boss was winning in cards and made us move the game into the unit so the ACC in Moncton handed us off the aircraft and it was identified on handoff . The aircraft is heading inbound but isn't talking to us , so the boss gives him a call no answer 
asks him to squawk Ident which he does . The boss says look at this Ahole doing a no comm has he got nothing better to do and now he's ruining the game. So he prceeds with a no comm approach
The boss is calling this pilot every thing under the sun combinations of words unheard of before 
to make a long story short the aircraft lands still no comm and about 15 minutes later this Bgen walks in the unit walks up to the controller and goes "Hi I'm the ahole how are you " 
It turmed out the foot pedal we used to transmit was stuck in the on position so every word uttered by the contoller was heard by the pilot
The Bgen was a good guy and just laughed it off but made the boss squirm a bit


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## davparlr (Apr 26, 2008)

Good post! 

Lots of Darth Vader breathing on take-off from first time soloist pressing the transmit button with white knuckles.


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## A4K (Apr 30, 2008)

Yep, with Dav!


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## Engineer (May 6, 2008)

My unit (conscript combat engineers company) was on exercise in Oksbøl, the biggest military exercise area we have here in Denmark. I was in the "park" platoon, as a truck driver. 

My truck had an HMG ring on the roof, and about a half-foot gap between the cab and the bed - I was hauling anti-tank mines, btw (dummies). 

One fine dark morning while we're tactical, we all of the sudden have to move camp. Now, Unlike the other trucks in my squad, I don't have a designated container for my camouflage net. Add to that, for the first (and only time), I'm pointed out as the first truck in the convoy. So... I bunch the net into the HMG ring as best I can, then use straps to secure it. Get about halfway there when I'm told to... get my finger out...

So off we go! 

2 km later, chugging along at about 70 kph, my truck suddenly grinds to a halt. The camouflage net had flipped up and over, fallen in between the cab and the bed, and had been reeled in by the trans-axle until I ground to a halt. 

My sergeant was not impressed.


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## pbfoot (May 8, 2008)

Don't know if it's true or not but I heard a crew was on a check flight on a C130 when the ICP walked over to the FE's panel and feathered an engine , the flight engineer apparently looked at the ICP and quickly feathered another engine with these words 
"it's your turn again sir"


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## RabidAlien (May 9, 2008)

Sub story.

We were generally under-manned in my division, with an average of 9 guys doing the work of a 12-man div (on a submarine, divs are rather small), and a grand low-score of 6 men at one point. I think we were near this low point when we all found ourselves assigned about three or four repair jobs at one time, and just sorta Round Robin'd between them as one became too frustrating to continue for the moment. The boat I was on was well over 20 years old, so of course things kept breaking. Anyway, our Div-O was a freshly minted Ensign straight out of ROTC or something, really good with book-smarts, but not quite there in the real-world application. He kept coming around, trying the "hands-on" leadership approach, just buggin the crap out of everybody, especially me since I wasn't all that up on troubleshooting. Repair, no prob. So, finally, I'd had enough of his pestering, and decided to kinda get him out of my way for awhile. So the next time he came down to find out if I'd found the problem, I told him I had. Yup. Somebody'd let the smoke out of the wires, so the electricity wasn't flowing anymore. Seems like he hadn't ever heard of the "smoke theory of electricity" before, so I calmly explained it to him. 

"Well, sir, they usually don't teach this unless you're more involved with electrical repairs, because the math involved is rather complex, so what they do is teach the 'solid copper cable' concept. What really happens is that nothing can move through a solid, by definition, so these plastic 'insulation' covers on the wires are really nothing more than nifty tubes for smoke travel. The electrons latch on to the smoke, kinda like O2 and bloodcells, it travels down the tubes and into the components." 

He gave me this priceless "deer in headlights" look, and sorta-kinda questioned my logic, caught between wanting to believe what his precious books told him and "being one of the guys" and let in on a secret. So, of course, I had to reel him in.

"Yes, sir....think about it. Have you ever seen an electrical device that works after the smoke has been let out?"

I'll be danged if the lights didn't come on (talk about nothing more than an dim orange glow!!!). Anyway, it worked just fine, because I didn't see the guy for another twenty minutes. Which is when the Engineer showed up (guy in the heirarchy just below the CO and XO). He said hi (nice guy), inquired how my repair was going (I'd figger'd out the prob by that point and was polishing up the last little bits)...I didn't think much of it, until he looked at me and said "smoke theory, huh?" Well....I'm an E-4 at this point, he's an O-4, so of course I turn sheet white and start sweating. "He didn't come to you with that, did he, Eng?" Thankfully, the Eng was a great guy (I think I mentioned that earlier), and sorta-kinda slapped me on the wrist with a comment about "respect the uniform, not the guy wearing it" blah blah blah...as he was walking away, I swear he was trying not to laugh.


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## RabidAlien (May 9, 2008)

Another thread reminded me of this one:

A friend of mine and I were at the uniform shop one day, buying the latest ribbon our boat had won (Battle-E, I think). We were standing in line waiting to pay when he made a comment about the Coast Guard. Me, being the clueless village idiot that I am, didnt' think there would be any particular reason why he'd say something about the CoastGuard, and so decided that that would be a perfect time to whip out a joke I'd picked up somewhere: Did you know that the US Coast Guard doesn't have a swim qualification requirement during bootcamp? Yeah....apparently, if the ship goes down, you just wade back in to shore. Now...normally, he's a fellow fun-loving guy, always ready for a quick slam-the-other-guy mental bash-fest (what subber isn't???), but this time he's not laughing. Even slugged me in the arm. I figured the joke had bombed (I'm notorious for that) until I notice him very conspicuously NOT looking behind us....yup, a Coast Guard commander was standing right behind us, buying some doodads for his uniform, too. Apparently he hadn't heard the joke before either, because he was trying not to laugh, also.

John wouldn't let me forget that one.


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## Glider (May 9, 2008)

This isn't clever at all but it was amusing at the time. We were on parade for an inspection by the Third Sea Lord, everything as you would expect had been checked, double checked, practiced until we could do the parade in our sleep. When splat, one significant seagull dropping all down my right shoulder. I groaned quietly and people started to notice.

Nothing I could do, just take the inevitable. When he came around on the inspection with his entourage he just stopped, looked me in the eye, asked me my name, 'Apprentice Slack Sir' he just looked at me again with half a smile and replied 'Not your lucky day is it Apprentice Slack'. 
What was interesting was the reaction from the people behind him. The more senior and experienced ones were fighting to keep the grins off their faces, the newbies were giving me looks like daggers as if is was something I had done deliberately.


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## Konigstiger205 (May 9, 2008)

Funny stories guys


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## A4K (May 9, 2008)

Yep, with Tiger!


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## ScOoTeR1992 (May 9, 2008)

yep i'm with the above to post's


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## timshatz (May 9, 2008)

Great one guys, great stories.


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## RabidAlien (May 18, 2008)

A guy I work with was a Navy corpsman assigned to the Marines for the duration of his enlistment. Of course, they were over in Iraq, back in the early to mid 90's. He just e-mailed this story to a bunch of us guys, thought I'd share it with y'all:



One of my better days with the Jarheads was when I learned to address Officers in a group. We were out in the field, training. In the rain. Is there any other time to train? I had walked up to our Staff Sgt, Captain, and a brand new, just out of the Academy Butter-Bar when they were all clustered around a map.

'Excuse me, Sirs' I said, when they looked up.

'Doc,' the LT began, 'the plural address of Officers is 'Gentlemen' not 'Sirs.' What do you need?' Like I said, he was new, and had been doing a lot of these Manners Tutorials since his arrival.

But I was momentarily stunned. I had never heard of this before. And as I tend to do when confused, I couldn't just accept it, I had to examine it and poke it with a stick. 'No. Really? That can't be right.' I looked to SSgt Williams for help, who had put on his poker face, but his eyes were just a little bit wider than normal. I clearly remember dropping any form of honorific until I got confirmation from a source I could trust, which meant enlisted.

'Corpsman,' the LT broke in before the Staff had a chance to speak, 'exactly why can't that be right?' The LT liked using your rate just before he beat you over the head with his rank. I'm sure had I been through Marine Corps Basic Training, I would have seen this as the warning it was meant to be. But, NNNNOOOOOOOooooooo! I answered as honestly as I could.

'Sir,' because I *knew* that was right. 'The problem is the word 'Gentlemen.' In this day and age, it brings one of two things to mind; one is the courtiers in King Louis XVI court - a parasitic drain on a flawed form of government who wore wigs, make-up, and dressed like drag-queens; the other... well... Strip Clubs just out the main gate. You are neither. Our language has outgrown the terminology. You are Marines.'

The LT looked as stunned as I had a minute before, and looked to the Captain for reassurance. The man just jerked his chin at the Staff Sergent. Who responded by escorting me away from the group. 'Jimbo,' as he called me since I had helped set a femoral fracture two years earlier, 'you gotta learn not to make junior Officers look stupid in front of their bosses.' But he was smiling when he said it. 'Marines will work just fine.'

-merely_jim


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## A4K (May 20, 2008)

Thanks for sharing RA! I had a few uncomfortable moments like that myself with senior ranks at times - You know you should keep your mouth shut, but still, why should they get away with BS just because they are a higher rank...? (In saying that, I'm usually very patient, but I find it hard to maintain the 'put up and shut up' mode of thinking in the face of an arrogant a*se...)


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## RabidAlien (May 20, 2008)

Heh....I often had to remind myself of what a Chief once told me..."enlisted men are enlisted because they can think for themselves and aren't afraid to work. Officers are officers because they're too prissy to do either." 

(paraphrased to protect sensitive officer eyes from harsh reality of crusty ole Chief vocabulary)


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## trackend (May 20, 2008)

This quote is from my late Dads book "Bills War" before being old enough to enlist in the Royal Navy he spent some time in the Home Guard this is about a newly arrived weapon they were issued with.

"We received a smooth bore Smith gun . It arrived in boxes and required assembling . After it had been assembled as per instructions a small washer was found in one of the boxes . This item was ignored and the gun was taken onto the firing range for testing . It could fire mills bombs or phosphorus bottle bombs which burst into flames on impact . Our two corporals were to have the privilege of firing the first shots . The breach was opened and a phosphorus bomb inserted followed by the propelling charge . The two gunners crouched behind the shield and the order to fire was given . There was a bang followed by a huge burst of flame which enveloped gun and gunners . From out of this confligation staggered our corporals , their eyebrows had gone and their tunics were smouldering . They had the appearance of having been on a summers holiday . It was later discovered that the bomb had gone off in the barrel by striking the foresight screw which had protruded into the bore . The washer left in the box would have prevented this. Fortunately no lasting damage had been done and we left smiling apart from our corporals"


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## Captain Dunsel (May 20, 2008)

I enlisted in the USAF in '75 and worked my way up to Staff Sgt (E-5). Along the way, I had to deal with several lieutenants, some of whom were very nice, but not very awe-inspiring. We usually tolerated them and tried to keep them out of trouble.

Then, in 1980, I got got commissioned and became a 2Lt.  GAHHH! Any wonder I started wearing my ribbons as much as possible? 

CD


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## RabidAlien (May 20, 2008)

Captain Dunsel said:


> I enlisted in the USAF in '75 and worked my way up to Staff Sgt (E-5). Along the way, I had to deal with several lieutenants, some of whom were very nice, but not very awe-inspiring. We usually tolerated them and tried to keep them out of trouble.
> 
> Then, in 1980, I got got commissioned and became a 2Lt.  GAHHH! Any wonder I started wearing my ribbons as much as possible?
> 
> CD



Heh....reminds me of one of the deleted scenes from "We Were Soldiers" (why they took it out, I don't know): Gunny Sgt (Sam Elliot) was listening to a new 2nd Lt give some sort of training, the guy started throwing rank around and reamed Gunny out for not having any ribbons on. Being a young prick, he sent Gunny away with orders not to return until he had his highest ribbons on in the proper manner. Scene shifted, and the 2Lt was still giving his men crap...when you see Sam Elliot's hairy legs come stalking up....he's butt-naked, wearing the CMH ribbon around his neck. The 2Lt looks, wide-eyed....then salutes him and doesn't say another word. Moral? NEVER piss off a Gunny, especially if he's earned a CMH.


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## Rook58 (May 21, 2008)

A couple from boot camp:

1. On a conditioning march right after we got to Pendleton for the rifle range; we'd already been going for several miles and everyone's bladders were getting close to bursting. When one guy requested an emergency head call, the senior drill instructor halted the platoon and gave these commands:
"Face outboard!" _"Sir, face outboard, aye aye sir!"_
"Take out your peepees!" _"Sir, take out your peepees, aye aye sir!"_
"Weewee!" _"Sir, weewee, aye aye sir!"_ (with enthusiasm)
After five seconds: "STOP!" _"Sir, STOP, aye aye sir!"_ (in agony)
After ten more seconds: "Finish!" _"SIR, FINISH, AYE AYE SIR!"_

2. Same conditioning march: we were going along the beach, right where the sand got firm at the edge of the surf line. One recruit suddenly broke out of formation, ran over to the water, and splashed one boot, then ran back and jumped back in his place in formation. The senior halted the platoon, called the offending prive front and center, and roared, "WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT, YOU?" The recruit responded, "Sir, the private has never seen the ocean before, so the private wants to write his mother and tell her he put his foot in the Pacific Ocean, sir!"
The senior nodded, then roared some more: "The following commands are for Private (whatever his name was) alone. About, FACE! Forward, MARCH!" He marched the kid into the ocean until he was chin deep, then halted him and left him standing there for about ten seconds. Then he about-faced him again and marched him back to front and center, looked him up and down, and said, "Now you can tell your mama you put more than your foot in it. NOW GET YOUR STUPID F***ING A** BACK IN FORMATION BEFORE I DECIDE TO DROWN YOU!"

And one from OCS at Quantico nine years later:
We were on the grinder (parade deck) in the hottest part of the afternoon in the middle of July, going through the same drill movement for about the tenth time because one idiot couldn't remember which foot was left (and yes, he did graduate and become an officer of Marines.) We were halted in column formation getting ready to step off again. I was a squad leader, so I was at the front of the platoon. Somebody muttered a line from a Monty Python skit - they had done one where a group of guys in hospital gowns with bloody bandages on their heads did a Frankenstein's-monster stagger down a street with their arms extended, groaning loudly, "MY BRAIN HURTS!" So someone groaned, "MY BRAIN HURTS!" under his breath. Turned out the guide, all the squad leaders, and the guys right behind us were all Python fans, and the whole front end of the platoon fell apart laughing. The more the platoon sergeant screamed, and the more no one would tell him what we were laughing about, the more impossible it got to stop laughing. Needless to say we spent a LONG time on the grinder that afternoon.


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## timshatz (May 21, 2008)

Good story Rook.


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## Njaco (May 21, 2008)

Good one, Rook! The Dinsdales: "I have a piece of brain lodged in my head!"


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## cougar32d (May 21, 2008)

Ok, so there is was sitting on the berm during gunnery(tt8) as an M1A1 driver, we were getting ready to shoot when we had radio problems which had been occuring all day, which sucked for the crew in the turret but for me....naw i was asleep when i hear my TC yelling "shut it off". So as if waking up to that wasn't bad enough(wait for it)... i shut the tank down, not knowing he was yelling to shut off the radios....yep right in the middle of gunnery,on the berm,ready to shoot........he then yelled "****...WTF!...damn it fire!.....so i tried to crawl out of the drivers hatch just as the main gun fired......it hurt...bad and to this day(this happened in 1997) i still get crap for it!


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## Rook58 (May 21, 2008)

Thanks - another from early in the career:

While I was with Kilo 3/4, 3rd MarDiv, a PFC in the 60mm mortar section, we were at Camp Fuji in January for cold weather training. There was exactly one day we got to actually fire our crew-served weapons (this was during the Carter administration, when we had to yell "Bang! Bang!" because there wasn't enough of a training budget to use blanks). We had guys who hadn't fired a live round since Infantry Training School. 

Anyway, it was a miserable day - sleet and snow, infinite mud, windy, everyone so cold they were shaking. We got to the range; the truck bringing the ammo couldn't get closer than the hardball road a quarter mile away from the line due to the mud, so we had to schlep the cases of mortar and machine gun ammo to the line. Got there, dug two gun pits (we had two functioning mortars of the three we were supposed to have, and they were older than any of the Marines using them.) Got the guns set up, laid out ponchos, got some ammo broken out.

At this point our pinhead company commander, XO, and 1stSgt, all of whom shall remain nameless to protect the guilty, strolled up, threw the crew off one of the guns except for keeping the ammo man to break out more rounds for them, and started just playing with it.

We were angry, to understate it. This was one of probably three or four chances during an entire 12-month tour on Okinawa to get our new guys some practice, and they'd just cut that opportunity in half.

I had a flash. I was gunning on the other tube. We'd been shooting direct lay (target visible from the gun position) at stuff anywhere from 700 to 1200 meters out. I told the ammo man to get five rounds ready with charge zero - no propellant charge except for the shotgun shell-like ignition cartridge. Then I told the assistant gunner, "When I say go, you drop those rounds down the tube as quick as you can - I want the last one in the air before the first one lands."

I knew the actual lethal radius of a 60mm HE round was about 15 or 20 meters, and none of the frags would go farther than about 50 or 60 meters. So I cranked the barrel back to where it would drop the rounds between 75 and 100 meters out (peacetime danger close was supposed to be 200 meters.) When all was ready I told the A-gunner, "Go." and traversed the gun right to left to walk the five rounds across in a line in front of the other gun pit.

The rest of the company (the rifle platoons and the assault section) were just hanging out on a nearby hillside watching the mortars and machine guns shoot. The first round hit the top of its trajectory and started down and they all started yelling "Short round! Short round!" 

Those five rounds went off over about a ten-second span right out in front of gun pit # 2 - the CO actually, literally, had hysterics and wet his pants, with his whole company watching the stain spread over the crotch of his uniform.

By the time he quit gibbering and got to my gun pit, the gun was set for 800 meters again and all the ammo in sight had charge 2 or charge 3 on it. I put on my best Gomer Pyle act and swore I had no idea what had happened - must have been the wet, or maybe defective ammo, as this lot was ancient? He wanted to court-martial me, but my platoon commander and platoon sergeant stuck up for me. He made sure I didn't make lance corporal for the rest of the time he had the company, but it was worth it. My nickname for the rest of that tour was Short Round.

Sequel: one of my brothers was in boot camp and the same captain was the CO of his recruit training company (small world - luckily for my brother, it had been a few years, our last name is fairly common, and he didn't make the connection). My parents were there for visitors' day the Sunday before he graduated. He and my mom were walking around and walked by the company office and she saw the sign with the captain's name on it, and there was a car in his parking place. She cracked up and headed for the door. My brother got in the way and asked her what she was doing - she said she was going to stick her head in the door and yell "Short round!" He talked her out of it. Probably just as well.


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## cougar32d (May 21, 2008)

Ok, because i'm a tanker and apparently by definition semi-retarded, what you were supposed to read in the last bit of my story is that i thought that my tank was on fire..........................moral of the story: don't fall asleep when you not supposed to!


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## Rook58 (May 21, 2008)

One more time.

During that same cold weather training deployment to Fuji, we usually had weekend liberty, and a bunch of us went to Yokosuka and got tattoos. The artist we went to was great - been getting comments on the two tattoos I got there for thirty years since then. Two weird tattoo events:

1. There were two guys in the platoon that just did not get along. Both in the antitank assault section, i.e. 0351s. One was a low-rider type from east L.A. and the other was a pretty bigoted farm boy from a small town in upstate New York. They were always at each other.

So one Sunday night everybody got back from liberty and, as usual, people wanted to see whatever new tattoos anyone had gotten. The bigoted guy was showing off the one he'd gotten - an eagle with a rattlesnake in its claws. The guy from L.A. saw it and started laughing and couldn't stop.

The redneck guy stuck out his chin and demanded to know what was so funny. The guy from L.A. said, "I got something I have to show you, man!" He opened his seabag and pulled out a Mexican flag... which features, at its center, an eagle clutching a rattlesnake. He held it and said "You have a Mexican flag on your arm, man!"

2. We had another guy who was the reincarnation of Gomer Pyle. He picked out a biker-style tattoo design. It had a skull with no lower jaw, cracked and yellowish, with fangs, a snake crawling out of one eye socket, and a bunch of dark red roses coming out of the mouth. From the sides of the skull two bat wings stuck out, with claws at the bottom, holding a plaque like the Harley logo.

The artist got the whole thing done except for filling in the plaque, then asked our guy what kind of motorcycle he rode. Gomer guffawed and said he'd never been on a motorcycle in his life. The artist was kind of perplexed at that point, and asked, "So what you want me to put in here?"

Gomer thought for a moment, then beamed and said, "Mom!"


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## cougar32d (May 21, 2008)

Funny stuff.


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## Konigstiger205 (May 21, 2008)

Funny stuff guys


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## timshatz (May 21, 2008)

Great stories Rook.


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## Rook58 (May 22, 2008)

Thx - I still think there are more colorful people and ridiculous events in the military, along with the serious side and the stuff that hurts, than in anything else people do. It always kind of cracks me up when I see military people portrayed as grim and robotic in some of the media, because I didn't run into very many of those types and when I did they tended to generate unintentional comedy anyway.


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## A4K (May 27, 2008)

Great stories Matt and 'Short round' !


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## Rook58 (May 30, 2008)

I like Cougar's story above... which turned out to be the bigger pain, the headache (if that didn't ring your bell hard enough to inflict a concussion, it must have been close), or the following eleven years of harassment?


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## pbfoot (May 31, 2008)

It was decided to simulate no runway lights in an opeval so they broke out the keroseme flare pots. So it was decided one guy would drive the truck and the other would light the pots and and place them along side the runway as the other drove. Being enterprising people they lit them all in the back of the pick up to save time as opposed to lighting one at a time. Well one side of the runway was completed upon turning to do the other side a couple of lit flare pots tumbled , they spilt out the kerosene and the whole box of the truck was in flames nothing serious but it looked spectacular . Not wanting to draw anymore attention to this dilemna they decided to drive to the fire hall rather then make the call over the radio. I do believe it was the first time the fire guys ever had a fire delivered to them


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## A4K (Jun 2, 2008)

Now that's what I call service..!


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## cougar32d (Jun 2, 2008)

11 years of harrassment is worse.


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## fly boy (Jun 2, 2008)

aww man this is the funnest $#@% i have seen in my life keep them coming


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## Messy1 (Jun 2, 2008)

In Vietnam, my father worked on the flight deck of the USS Ranger. The ship was in port somewhere in the far east, I forget which country. One day he drew I guess what was the duty of going about the ship and replacing out of date fire extinguishers. He was out on the walkway on the outside of the ship, right below the flight deck. He grabbed a fire extinguisher, threw in on over his shoulder, lost his grip, and dropped the extinguisher over the side of the ship. The extinguisher fell down to the water, and went right through the bottom of a family's little boat. It was a little wooden boat, like you always see in any movie from the far east. Sunk the boat, and the all the people had to swim to shore. Dad felt bad, as he worried that that boat may have been the only thing the people may have owned.


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## A4K (Jun 3, 2008)

He may have been right.. shame about that, but it was an accident in the end. Thanks for posting, mate!


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## Messy1 (Jun 3, 2008)

He laughs about it now, it's a funny story to hear him talk about.
He has one sunk boat to his credit for his military service! Might be the only flight deck worker to have sunk a boat!


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## Canberra Man (Jun 3, 2008)

I have a few tales to tell, mostly amusing
I had the job of showing a new mech round the Lincoln. While showing what to do and not to do, the NAAFI wagon rolled up. It was a cold day, so we took our coffee and buns up into the nose out of the wind. We were chatting away, when the new lad, before I could stop him, poured his coffee dregs down what appeared to be a drain in the floor. It wasn't a drain, oh no, there was a bang and a thud and a ten man dinghy popped out of the wing root. The look alike drain was the flotation switch in case of a ditching, I had to put him on a technical charge, he got 7 days confined to camp and had to pay £5 towards the labour of replacing it. Well, it DID look like a drain!!!!

Ken


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## A4K (Jun 4, 2008)

Great one Ken!


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## Messy1 (Jun 4, 2008)

That's a good one too.


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## RabidAlien (Jun 5, 2008)

*LOL* "Liferaft Automatic Deployment System.....check!"


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## ScOoTeR1992 (Jun 8, 2008)

i got one but it's not the armed services i'm in the Air-Cadets only started last year and last year i was on my JGST(Junior General Service Training) camp and i was petrified of higher ranks cause i would ALWAYS forget who to salute and all on my second last day i was helping a friend to the medic we were kinda marching/walking in a single file and i was carrying a fold up chair and this thing was pretty heavy and i'm walking along i see the AAFC Wing Commander coming towards us and instinctively i halted and salute him but i was carrying the chair in the wrong arm i saluted him and in doing so i half threw the chair and got his shoes which he polishes NO quick shines there struck his shoes and i was shating myself expecting to have my ears ripped off and all but nope all he did was just say "this is your first time i see" and i just stood there long story short i just had to get the scratches out which took me a good hour or so but i got excused from drill and my flights grilling for doing something wrong 

another one last year we had a wing banner passing out parade all of the squadrons in the wing came together and i rolled mi ankle on the second day and this little cute corporal chick was helping me into the mess and this Warrant Officer comes up to me and says "Leading-Cadet you will do anything to get your arms around a girl won't you" and i said "no sir she is a bit short for me" and i look down and she is glaring at me and so i will never do that again


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## RabidAlien (Jun 8, 2008)

*LOL* Hmmmmm...insult the WO, or insult the cute chick......decisions, decisions!


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## Canberra Man (Jun 17, 2008)

Four Canberra's were going on a training flight and I was in front of one controlling start up. I pointed to the port engine, thumbs up and the turbo starter fired with the usual bang and cloud of black smoke, the engine settled down at idle. I pointed to the starboard engine and all hell lets loose, the turbo starter exploded. Bits of turbine and blades went through the side of the fuselage and into No 1 tank, kerosene poured out on to the burning fragments of the cartridge and up it went! An emergency phone call to the fire section soon soon had their pride and joy, a brand new Rolls Royce fire engine, straight out of the box the day before. It halted in front of the Canberra and an erk in gents natty asbestos suiting complete with helmet jumped down with a huge hose and shouted, "Send it froo!" Noffink came froo! They had been so busy polishing their new toy, they hadn't filled it with foam! So it being mid winter and a cold day, we all stood warming our hands! Then the wheel hubs and cockpit coaming went up with a blinding flash of light, they were magnesium castings. Somebody mettered something about the ejector seats and we went back a few yards more, sure enough, there was a triple explosion and three steel tubes dragging the remains of the seats went about 200' into the air. It just burnt out and next morning there was a perfect silhouette of a Canberra burnt into the tarmac with two Rolls Royce Avons still i n sittue. A coupl of days later. there were new faces at the fire section!!!

Ken


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## RabidAlien (Jun 18, 2008)

*LOL*


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## cougar32d (Jun 19, 2008)

Ok , here's another one that make me look like a idiot....On a long field exercise many years ago i was not allowed to use the "bathroom" without a buddy, or ground guide the whole time. Why you ask?.....I woke up one morning and it was too cold to move but i climbed out of the turret of my tank to relieve myself, as i was doing so i heard some grumbling, the some yelling..........my plt. sgt. and plt ldr. had been sleeping on the ground next to my tank...........yep thats right i pissed on them, they we're not pleased with me to say the least, but i was a hero to the other E.M's in my platoon........more to follow


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## Canberra Man (Jun 20, 2008)

Keep clean, use kerosene.
We had a Canberra with engine trouble, the same on both engines. The fault could not reproduced on the ground runs. Rolls Royce were contacted and in due course 'The Boffin' arrived and conducted a ground run after which she ws pushed back into the hangar. The 'boffin' told us in uncertain terms, to "Get the cowlings off, thats not my job". From then on he got up every bodie's nose! Then, my sgt collared me and said he'd been told that No's one and two fuel pumps in the bomb bay had been reported noisy and to see what I thought. I went to the cockpit door and as there were no warning notices, switched on the 24v power and switched No's one and two fuel pumps on, it was then I heard it, a gurgling noise and a shout that sounded like "Yarooh Rotter". So switched off quick! Then this "Apparition" appeared covered in kerosene from head to foot, couldn't have happened to a better man! He snarled at me and said. "I'm telling the Flt Sgt about this and squelched off. I heard this squelching noise again and he confronted me (still dripping) with the remark. " The Flt Sgt wants to see you, you are for it". He then squelched after me as I went to the office and tapped on the door. A stern voice bade me enter and shut the door and the 'boffin' squelched away. I went in and as I shut the door a broad grin split his face and he said. "When gets working on the starboard side, do it again, Ive told the CO and he's still laughing.

Ken


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## Messy1 (Jun 20, 2008)

Sounds like it couldn't happen to a nicer guy!


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## RabidAlien (Jun 20, 2008)

I hate pricks who are too full of themselves. When I was in the Navy, there was a group of "auditors" who would come down to random subs at the pier, and start rummaging through all the logs and paperwork and manuals and start asking questions of everybody. These guys, known as "Naval Reactors", were an insane nuisance, getting in the way of maintenance and just making a headache for everyone. We had two guys, though, that figured out a way to get back at them. (background info: the Shutdown Reactor Operator was in charge of the Maneuvering area, and no matter his rank he actually had the authority to tell people to leave) One guy, while sitting on watch one afternoon, heard that NR was on the boat. Sure enough, the guy appeared at the chain across the doorway into Maneuvering, and "request permission to enter" was mumbled while he was unlatching the chain...only to hear the SRO tell him "denied". He sputtered and fumed and turned really really red...but the officer on duty backed up the SRO, told the NR guy that he was a distraction from the SRO's watchstation. He stormed off the boat as pissed as hell! 

Another guy, after allowing the guy to enter, sat for about two minutes with this NR guy leafing through his logs and asking pointless questions about entries that "weren't clearly legible". So the SRO quietly let a tiny fart slip. This particular guy, though, was known for having some of the rankest SBD's known to mankind (I tied with him on occasion). The NR guy started coughing, then nearly knocked the SRO out of his chair trying to get to the doorway.  Didn't hear much from him the rest of that duty day.


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## Messy1 (Jun 20, 2008)

When my dad would get approached by ensigns who thought they were better than you, or gave my dad an attitude, he said he quite often would "innocently" give them the wrong directions on how to get around ship, often sending them the to the wrong end of the ship.
Even though the Ranger is a small carrier by today's standards, there was still plenty of ship to get lost in!


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## Corsair82pilot (Jan 25, 2009)

I was flying the F-4E out of George AFB in Victorville, CA. One day I went up to the Tonopah area at Nellis. The rules of engagement (ROE) there were (are?) you could jump any other aircraft. If he wanted to play, fight's on. I saw this F-86 flying low and slow, so I jumped him. I figured I'd kick his butt real good. We took it higher and when we started to turn, he was all over me. My F-4 needed to do about 420 kts to turn at high G and maintain energy. The F-86 was turning at about 250 kts. No way I could turn inside him. I could have unloaded and hit burners and got out of there. I could have gone about ten miles and turned back to shoot him in the lips with an Aim-7, but I wanted to turn. He got me to fight his fight. He kicked my ass all day long.
On the ground at Nellis we met while refueling. The guy is a test pilot from Edwards and has about 2,000,000 hours in fighters. 

I learned a lot that day.


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## FLYBOYJ (Jan 25, 2009)

Corsair82pilot said:


> I was flying the F-4E out of George AFB in Victorville, CA. One day I went up to the Tonopah area at Nellis. The rules of engagement (ROE) there were (are?) you could jump any other aircraft. If he wanted to play, fight's on. I saw this F-86 flying low and slow, so I jumped him. I figured I'd kick his butt real good. We took it higher and when we started to turn, he was all over me. My F-4 needed to do about 420 kts to turn at high G and maintain energy. The F-86 was turning at about 250 kts. No way I could turn inside him. I could have unloaded and hit burners and got out of there. I could have gone about ten miles and turned back to shoot him in the lips with an Aim-7, but I wanted to turn. He got me to fight his fight. He kicked my ass all day long.
> On the ground at Nellis we met while refueling. The guy is a test pilot from Edwards and has about 2,000,000 hours in fighters.
> 
> I learned a lot that day.



What years were you out at George?


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## Corsair82pilot (Jan 25, 2009)

FLYBOYJ said:


> What years were you out at George?



I was there in '84 for RTU. Then on to Moody. Did you fly 'Ol Double Ugly?


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## Bill G. (Feb 16, 2009)

The Hug Heard 1/3 of the Way Around The World!

This is my best story of my deployment with my National Guard Signal Company.

It was early November, 2003. My 15 day leave started as it should. A flight to Kuwait. On the flight to Baltimore, MD, we stopped in Germany to refuel. I went outside to see Germany again. I had been stationed in West Germany from 1980 to 1983. I saw this one Army female that didn't seem to have the going home attitude. So we started talking. Anyways, she wasn't too sure about her welcome home. Well, I hugged her and told her that she wasn't going home unhugged. That seemed to help.

Once I got to Baltimore, we had to go down a receiving line of senior officers and NCOs. They were there to thank us. Fine. What ever it takes to get home, I'll do. The last two were Chaplains. The first was a huge male Col. He had the build of a linebacker for American football. The second was a tiny female Lt. Col. I shook the COLs hand. Then I bent down to shake the female's hand. I am 6' 4" tall. Instead of shaking my hand, she put her arms around me and hugged me. I don't know why, I put my arms around her and stood up lifting her a foot off the floor! She giggled and the COL shot my a look! OOPS! I quickly put her down and left. Nothing was said! 

The leave went well. I had quite a few one use cameras that I had developed. Once I had the pictures back, I called my First Sergeant's wife so I could show her. I have a ton of respect for TOP, and wanted to show her that he is fine. 

She came to the house to meet with me. I showed her the pictures. She liked that. At the end of the visit, she said she had something to give me to take back to TOP. Well, dummy me, I thought she was going to dig something out of her big purse. WRONG! When I got over to her, she stood up and gave me a big hug. Then she told me to give that to TOP when I saw him.

I explained that we weren't on the same base in Iraq. I wasn't sure when I would see TOP next. She wasn't put off. She just said to do my best. 

On my way back to Iraq, I kind of put that out of my mind. 

Back at Baltimore, I met the female I had hugged in Germany. She smiled very brightly when she saw me. We had a very nice visit.

The rest of the return trip went very well. And a wild landing back at BIAP (Baghdad International Air Port) were the team I was part of was posted. Anyways, I got a ride back to the house where we were quartered.

As I got to the door, one of the Sergeants on the team met me and welcomed me back. My first words to him where, "Do you know where TOP is?"

He said, "He is in the living room, Why?"

I just said, "Good!"

I went to my bedroom and tossed my duffle bag and back pack in. Then I walked into the living room. Yep, there he was sitting and watching a movie with the rest of the team and a few other guests.

I walked up to the side of his chair in the center of the room. I said, "First Sergeant, stand up."

He gave me the look you would expect of a First Sergeant hearing something that sounded like an "order" from a mere Sergeant. The others in the room kind of looked at me for a moment.

I spread my feet. I put my fists on my hips and said, "First Sergeant, you heard me, STAND UP!"

Now everyone in the room is looking at me. TOP, now gets out of his chair and squares up to me. Before he can say anything, I put my arms around him and give him a big hug. And I quietly say in his ear, "This is from your wife, Judy!". This bear of a First Sergeant about melts in my arms.

The rest of the room not hearing what I just said, about has their jaws dropping to the floor at the site!

I am sure that the next morning TOP e-mailed his wife asking something to the effect of "what the heck are you doing to my Soldiers back there?" And I am sure that Judy upon reading that knew what I had done and probably gave a fist pump and said "YES!"

We still talk about this event. It is one of our fondest memories. And after we got back from Iraq at a Company fun day, she said she should have kissed me and given my some tongue! All I can think of is "OH GAWD!"

And the female I hugged in Germany, I am still in touch with from time to time.

Bill G.


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## pbfoot (Feb 16, 2009)

It was a cold and frosty as me and a few mates stumbled out of the USAF site lounge better known as the MAC club in the Goose , the cold hit and the urge to relieve ourselves manifested itself. Well the closest place we could use with some modesty was the side of a "empty" USAF staff car , well the deed was done . No sooner then we had finished then the window rolled down demanding to know what we had done and to who. 
Not curious to find out who we displayed ourselves to we turned as one and booked it out of there . Now one would think this was the end of it but it wasn't. This 2 star in the car had the driver go into the club find out who had just left by using the guest book ,he then reported the incident to the powers to be in Washington who referred the incident to the Military attache who reported to Ottawa . Needless to say the crap fell from great heights . Out of the 5 of us 4 including myself were charged with conduct unbecoming and the 5th was charged public nudity .
I think the General was just jealous of the equipment displayed


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## Matt308 (Feb 17, 2009)

Great stories, guys. Absolutely great.


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Feb 20, 2009)

Okay, with permission from Matt, here's one of my grandfather's stories, when he was a police officer. 

He told me of a gang, I think it was "The 75th street gang", but all the cops called them, "The gang that couldn't shoot straight." One of members was a hitman, who had a target to kill. Problem was, he killed his target while he was still driving the car they were in. The car crashed, knocking the hitman out. When the police got there, they found the hitman KO'd, the gun still in his hand, and the driver with a bullet in his head. He later got out of jail after ratting out some of his fellow gang members, then went into witness protection.


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## Bill G. (Feb 20, 2009)

When I was in the Air Force at Griffiss AFB, Rome, NY, the 416 Bomb Wing was just starting their big Operational Readiness Inspection. This was the big test for the wing. I was in the 2019 Communication Squadron, not SAC. But I had equipment in the Wing Command Post. So once this kicked off, we just laid low and stayed out of the way.

The door buzzer buzzed and it was a "Ramp Rat" Security Policeman is full battle rattle. He asked for the keys to the generator A/C area and the access list. This was normal so we did it. Yea, they would guard the generator, but not our work center which was a Top Secret area! Go figure!

So back to laying low!

The hatch that connected the Command Post to my shop opened. A Controller asked if I could smell smoke? I sniffed the A/C vent and just could a bit. Then the controller told me good. And that the fire department had been called. 

So I go out to check the A/C room. But first I have to get the key back from the Guard. And even though I had just given him the key 10 minutes earlier, I had to give him my ID Card so he could check it against his list! I was on the list. I took the keys, unlocked the gate and the A/C room. It was squeaking like normal. So I locked everything up and gave the key back to the Guard. I also saw the big fire trucks coming up SAC Hill.

Now back to hiding!

The door buzzer again.

Now it is the Deputy Base Fire Marshal. And he wants in. He is NOT on our access list. Neither of us have escort privilege. So I tell him to wait. And he ain't too happy! I call my Squadron Security Officer who is in now and explain what is going on. He grants my one time escort privilege. BUT first we have to cover the cryptographic equipment. 

So we did around and quickly find something that will work and cover the equipment. I sign him in. BUT he can NOT bring in his brick radio. That doesn't make him happy, but he leaves it outside.

It takes him about a minute to see that nothing is wrong inside. So he goes out and I sign him out. He picks up his radio. I follow him to the outside door. I watch as he goes over to the Guard and asks for the key to go inside. The Guard checks his list and guess what. The Deputy Fire Marshal's name isn't on the list. And a debate starts over his getting in!

I closed the door and when back to hiding! It worked for the rest of the shift!!

We later guessed that the smoke smell came from a smoke grenade that drifted over to the A/C room and got sucked inside!

A few days later we got an ATTA BOY from the Squadron for how we handled this. There was no written procedure for all this. I was told that we handled this exactly as we should have.

I still wonder how the debate went between the Deputy Fire Marshal and the Guard! But I know that I had already be forgotten! Bigger fish to fry!

Bill G.


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## Matt308 (Feb 20, 2009)

But I gotta see the Fire Marshall's perspective. He has responsibility too. Man I bet that the SOP changed in a real hurry after that one.


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Feb 20, 2009)

Funny Bill, how long were you in the Air Force?


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## Bill G. (Feb 20, 2009)

Vassilli Zaitzev:

I was in the Active US Air Force from November 1971 to September 1984. I was a computer repairman. I was stationed at Griffiss AFB, Grissom AFB, Pruem AS West Germany, and Ellsworth AFB.

I will share more stories from my Air Force and MI Army National Guard Days from time to time.

Bill G.


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Feb 20, 2009)

Cool, thanks for sharing Bill. I'm going to my grandparents tommorow for dinner. I'll ask him to tell me a few more cop stories.


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## Bill G. (Feb 20, 2009)

Matt:

I know the Deputy Base Fire Marshall was just doing his job under the pressure of the BIG inspection. But my shop had VERY strict access rules that must be followed! So as any good story goes there was the conflict of the immovable object and the irresistible force.

I had another time when the new Wing Commander, a senior Col. buzzed the door one Saturday. He was just wandering around his new command and saw our pretty bright red door. And wondered what was behind it. 

I had to tell him that I knew who he was and that I could not allow him to enter. The lack of escort thing again! I offered to call someone in that had the authority. 

It was an interesting, tense, but polite conversation. I wouldn't let him in. So he left and went to the Wing Command Post. I am pretty certain he called my Squadron Commander complaining that I wouldn't let him in! I will bet that for a bit my CO couldn't get more than a "Yes Sir" "No Sir" in until the Wing CO had his say. Then I think my CO said Something like, "Good, I am glad they didn't let you in. If they had, I would be up there as quick as I can to chew some A$$!"

Anyways, back to what I am certain of. We had completed shift change. I was next to the Command Post hatch reading the base daily bulletin. Nothing exciting until the hatch suddenly opens and the Wing CO sticks his head through! He asks if I was one that he talked to. I said, "Yes Sir!" He stated that he was wrong. And that he should have known that I was just following orders. He asked me to extend his apology to the others in the shop and pulled in his head and closed the hatch!

I stood there stunned!

And about a week later, the Wing CO and the Base CO had their names added to our access list. I doubt they ever showed up.

Bill G.


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## Matt308 (Feb 21, 2009)

Good one.


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## Soundbreaker Welch? (Feb 22, 2009)

Mad ol' colonel.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 23, 2009)

Corsair82pilot said:


> I was there in '84 for RTU. Then on to Moody. Did you fly 'Ol Double Ugly?



My Dad retired from Moody in '91....we moved there in probably '83 or '84! He worked in the hospital on base, was the NCOIC of the lab. If you ever had blood drawn and don't remember the needle at all, it was probably drawn by Sgt Lowry. 

I graduated HS in '92, and went into the Navy afterwards....only to find out that Moody was converting into an A-10 base! Dangit....I love that bird!


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## fly boy (Feb 24, 2009)

ok someone tell me if i posted this on pearl harbor a p-39 or p-36 i can't remember got two kills ....in a tux!


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## timshatz (Feb 24, 2009)

Not a P39, maybe a P36. There were a few of them up. And I don't know about a tux. Might've been in his bed clothes. At least one guy who flew a P36 was woken up by the attack.


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## fly boy (Feb 24, 2009)

yeah he had tux pants and a dress shirt


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## Sweb (Mar 7, 2009)

So, there I was...

First off, I'm old so this story is from quite a few years ago. Back when the Shah was in power and everything was hunky-dory between Iran and the land of the big BX, I was a crew chief on a KC-135A. We were dragging some new F-14's across to Iran. They were all done up in Iranian camo of grays and blues and tans and looked beautiful. It was a long and boring trip. At some point the Boom gets my attention pointing to his phones. I get on the comm and hear some chatter between our AC and the lead F-14. They're going to put on a show to break their boredom and get some blood spread around a bit. So they go through some aerial escapades and we watch. Then they form back up and rotate behind us to get a little more push water. After the refuel is done my AC calls them and suggests they put a little space between themselves and us because he's gonna put on a show too. I'm thinking "what the ...?" They spread out and my AC calls to them saying "Okay, watch this" We don't budge a inch but continue on course. The F-14 skipper calls over after a few minutes asking what he should be looking for. Our AC apologizes and says "Oh, sorry, I had to get up first to take a leak, jog around the cargo compartment to stretch a bit and get a cup of coffee. I can't spill the coffee now, can I?"

Okay, it's not a side-splitter but at the time we knew those drivers were getting pretty antsy shifting from cheek to cheek.

One of my jobs while airborne was to bring porn rags and be ready when we started refueling. Usually the right or back seater of the receiver would do the same. It was kind of traditional. Then while we're locked on and dragging them we'd take turns showing each other the various centerfold spreads. If the receiver was a single place we'd just entertain him compliments of our AC. He'd usually signal us to turn the page. We were very close to the cockpits of the F-4s because their receivers were aft of the canopy along the spine. Those were the best shows.

Last, I blew over a Chevy step-van while in Zaragosa, Spain. I was running all 4 with water injection while doing an engine trim and throttle alignment and he just casually drove right behind the plane. I don't know if anyone knows it but a j57-59w engine burning water puts out a pretty good exhaust plume of black smoke so the dude had to see it. He said he did but thought he could just drive right through it no prob. Noob. The look on his face is as crisp in my memory now as it was the moment he crawled out of that truck. Priceless.


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## Ferdinand Foch (Apr 6, 2009)

Well, this is another story that Vassili and I's grandpa when he was a cop, so here it goes. 
During the sixties in Hartford, my grandpa and several other police officers were ordered to get ready to confront a huge protesting mob. My grandpa had one of the guys load and prep a shotgun while the others discussed about the riot and their plans to deal with it. 
Ten seconds later, they all hear a loud bang in the other room, and they all rush into see what happened. Apparently, the guy who was in charge of loading the shotgun accidently pulled the trigger while doing this and blew a hole in the ceiling. They quickly took the shotgun away from the man and had him on desk duty for the duration of the riot.


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## Bill G. (Apr 6, 2009)

Sweb:

That was a funny story with the KC-135. Never challenge a tanker pilot! He will dream up something that a fighter can't do!

When I was at Grissom AFB, I got to go on an incentive ride. That was neat. We refueled 2 Missouri ANG RF-4s on our way to Travis AFB. Then on the trip home we did a night refueling of a C-5. That thing is HUGE!

I got to fly the boom at one point in the flight. That was fun.

The old Boomer's job description: It takes 3 officers and an 8 million dollar aircraft to take them to work. Then when it is time to go to work, he goes to the back of the airplane, lies down, and passes gas!

This happened back in West Germany in 1982 while I was out in the field with the 601st Tactical Control Squadron. We didn't take our big tents to the field. We just had our pup tents. That ment we had about 200 pup tents scattered everwhere! 

One morning I woke up and got dressed in my little tent. I am 6' 4" tall and it was cold outside. So I dressed inside the sleeping bag. That was something to see. I opened the end of the tent and saw nothing but white. No, it hadn't snowed. Some one had TPed (wrapped it in toilet paper) my tent! I knew who was behind this. I "cut" my way through the wet toilet paper. Once outside I gathered up all of the wet TP into a soggy ball. I went to John Smith's pup tent and unsnapped the top. Then I dropped the soggy ball inside.

Later John Smith came to our shop truck complaining about me dropping that soggy TP inside just missing his face! I just said, "Sorry John! I mistook your tent for the dumpster!" 

John rambled on for a bit and let it drop. Later he did admit that he and another did the TPing on my tent. So I hit the right target!

Bill G.


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## mkloby (Apr 6, 2009)

Sweb said:


> First off, I'm old so this story is from quite a few years ago. Back when the Shah was in power and everything was hunky-dory between Iran and the land of the big BX, I was a crew chief on a KC-135A. We were dragging some new F-14's across to Iran. They were all done up in Iranian camo of grays and blues and tans and looked beautiful. It was a long and boring trip. At some point the Boom gets my attention pointing to his phones. I get on the comm and hear some chatter between our AC and the lead F-14. They're going to put on a show to break their boredom and get some blood spread around a bit. So they go through some aerial escapades and we watch. Then they form back up and rotate behind us to get a little more push water. After the refuel is done my AC calls them and suggests they put a little space between themselves and us because he's gonna put on a show too. I'm thinking "what the ...?" They spread out and my AC calls to them saying "Okay, watch this" We don't budge a inch but continue on course. The F-14 skipper calls over after a few minutes asking what he should be looking for. Our AC apologizes and says "Oh, sorry, I had to get up first to take a leak, jog around the cargo compartment to stretch a bit and get a cup of coffee. I can't spill the coffee now, can I?"



Hehe - heard that one many times!


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## Matt308 (Apr 10, 2009)

Yep... many times. Good one though. Thought it was more legend than reality.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 11, 2009)

The stories in this thread are hilarious.
I started on page 1 and have made it to page 9.
Sorry I can't add any to it but I had to say something after laughing so hard at so many of them.

Wheelsup


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## Bill G. (Apr 11, 2009)

wheelsup_cavu said:


> The stories in this thread are hilarious.
> I started on page 1 and have made it to page 9.
> Sorry I can't add any to it but I had to say something after laughing so hard at so many of them.
> 
> Wheelsup



Wheelsup, I am glad you are enjoying the stories. Some darned funny things happen when you are in uniform!

The warning is because we are absolutely NOT responsible for any damages cause by your laughing. This includes drinking something just before the punch line and spraying your computer monitor or laptop. Also included is falling out of your chair laughing! Splitting your gut laughing is at your own risk. This is to include any strained or pulled muscles. 

These are the risk you assume when reading this thread. So do so completely at your own risk!

Bill G.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 11, 2009)

Thanks for the warning Bill.
I may have to go out and get a 5 point harness for my office chair to keep from falling out of it. 

I have found that some of the craziest and funniest stories I have been told were by someone telling me a story about their time in the service.
Even when they are telling you about what could have been the deadliest of all situations they somehow put a funny spin on it. 

As Ahrnold said, "I'll be back." to read more of them that is. 

Wheeslup


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## Ross.Mcarthur (Apr 14, 2009)

Reminds me of Woodbourne, Dave. 
I was Catering Flight and this was during AOC's (Air Officer Commanding) parade in Easter. As I wasn't there on that particular date I'm only reporting as 2nd-hand. 
Now, cooks are noted for their "creative" approach to alcoholic beverage production. Some involve 44-gal plastic bins.

AOC's inspection party duly arrive. Top brass and entourage, OC Cat, W/O Cat, Base W/O, various SNCOs. Junior ranks' mess is spanking clean and shiny. Inspection's the normal formality and they go through to the storage and prep areas and start to head out. 
"Good job, Flt Lt, blah-blah-blah, keep it up."
As they depart through the main doors the ceiling in one of the back areas creaks, gives a loud crack and a plastic, 44-gal bin of fermenting carrot water, oranges, raisins, etc. crashed through and explodes.
NCO i/c rushes back to see what made all this noise, and in time to catch the last of the inundation escaping down drains.

"Right, who's responsible for that?"
A few mumbled replies. 
" Well, clean it up PDQ, CO's back in 30 mins. And you'd better move the rest SOMEWHERE ELSE, then. Be careful with mine."

I did, however, spend many a quiet weekend practising wine-making in the big mess. One upside of a big kitchen is so many hidey-holes to store 5-gal or ten-gal pails.
Made some lovely wines in the process.


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## beaupower32 (Jun 24, 2009)

I remember back in basic it was our last week there. We were at chow enjoying the first time to sit and relax without a instructor yelling at us. All of a sudden at the Snake Pit (where the Instructors sat in front of all of us) this one guy starts yelling at a girl who had got at basic the night before. Well apperntly she didnt do a facing movement. So one TI (I think he was ready for his football games to come on) threw a napkin as a penilty flag. He made her back up about 5 feet and try it again. Well, she failed and got another penilty flag. She ended racking 5 flags (napkins) up and finally got it right while she was standing in the kitchen. We were trying not to laugh but we couldnt hold it any more.The TI's were laughing so hard one had to get up and leave. 


Another story is my base at the time was sending some F-16's down to Sheppard to become trainers for the tech school students. Well, we had a good engine in the plane, and in our shop we had one that had no more time left on it. Well, we arrived a day before the F-16 got there and got settled down on where we were going to do the Engine Change. Well, the next day Me and the 2 crew chiefs arrived and what do we find. The Tech School kids had already started removing the engine and had it half way out. Well, we decided to let the kids do the rest of the work and we went to the strip club and had a grand old time. Dont know if it was really funny or not, but at the time it was to us. We endend up staying 5 days down there and only did about a hours worth of work. 



One more and I will quit. This happened just last year. I was doing a Max power run on a C-17 for some thrust reverser problems. Well, I had just got the Number 1 and 4 engines to MAX power when the wind changed directions and started comming up the exhaust. In doing that it caused the #4 engine to have a compressor stall and shot a fireball out the front. Well I had a girl sitting behind me in the observer seat, and when the compressor stall happened, she about made a new door in the side of the plane. So I brought the engines back to idle, and then I had to get her back to idle, as she thought the whole world was comming to a end. It was so funny, she started crying.


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## Canberra Man (Aug 11, 2009)

Hi.
Ive told a few tales, but not that I was a glutton for punishment!..When I left school in 1944, I was fourteen and there were't many jobs to be had. I had a job as a Naval messenger on the Grimsby naval base HMS Beaver, very interesting. Bell bottoms, a flat hat and a funny salute! One day I was outside the fleet mail office watching a frigate coming through the lock into the Humber estuary, there was a lot of signalling going on between the frigate and the captains bridge and I aske a petty officer what was being said. He told me there was an air raid last night and Kittywake asked the bridge if Jerry had laid any mines last night and the bridge answered, we will soon know, your first out this morning!!
My next job was french polishing and piano repairs. Then came National Service, I was in the Royal Artillery as a signaller. Typically, I finished my signals training and was posted to an ack ack regiment, they don't use signallers!! I ended up as a battery clerk. Now, here is the glutton for punishment bit. Three months after demob, I signed on in the Royal Air Force and trained as electrical fitter. Ended up working on Avro Lincolns with 617 Squadron (The Dam Busters) and then on Canberra's, which we took to Malaya for six months. The gluttony carries on. I served for 30 years with air cadets, they were so pleased, they gave me a medal and a commendation. Now at 79, I'm still on the go, work saurdays at the local aviation museum and help my wife breeding miniature poodles, we have lovely litter of five growing at tyhe moment, five days old, on sale in nine weeks. One is already spoken for.

Ken


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## Ferdinand Foch (Sep 2, 2009)

Hey, here's another old cop story from Vassili and I's grandpa. 

During the early 70's, when my grandpa got his own squad car, there was another cop in his unit who had the midnight shift, checking for speeders, patrolling the neighborhood and stuff like that. Only this cop wanted to sleep through the night, but knew that he's odometer would be checked after his shift, to see how many miles he had patrolled. So, one night, him and one of his friends took his squad car into a garage, hoist the back end up on a jack, turn the engine on, put a pipe on the gas pedal, and left the car on full gas while the cop went to take a nap ( it's kinda what happened in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", only they went forward instead of reverse). 
Unfortunately, the motion of the engine knocked the car off the jack, and the car ended up speeding through and breaking through the garage door, damaging the car in the process. The cop in question got suspended for a period of time after his superiors found out what happened.


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 2, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 2, 2009)

Heh. Guess they forgot the wheel chocks, eh?


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## Ferdinand Foch (Sep 4, 2009)

hehe, I think so. don't remember my grandpa saying that he was the smartest cop out of the force, so this would explain why.


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## PJay (Sep 4, 2009)

Not my story, this is from a Brit Test Pilots autobiog.
He was in Australia, flying a Mirage at well over Mach 1 and had to eject. Many injuries which he made a full recovery from.
The RAAF supplied him with a wheelchair 'customised' to look like an ejector seat.
This included a 'piss tube' which was way too short for him to use.
He made the mistake of complaining about this and got the answer
'When producing the chair we had no knowledge of your personal dimensions and based the design around the needs of the average Australian fighter pilot'


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## Ferdinand Foch (Sep 4, 2009)

PJay said:


> Not my story, this is from a Brit Test Pilots autobiog.
> He was in Australia, flying a Mirage at well over Mach 1 and had to eject. Many injuries which he made a full recovery from.
> The RAAF supplied him with a wheelchair 'customised' to look like an ejector seat.
> This included a 'piss tube' which was way too short for him to use.
> ...



 Hope nobody told his girlfriend!


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## Wildcat (Sep 4, 2009)

nice one PJay.


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 5, 2009)

Nice!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 5, 2009)




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## Canberra Man (Feb 5, 2010)

One of our Canberra's is going on a Navex and I'm in front controlling things. I point to the port engine, thumbs up and she bursts into life and settles down to idle. Point to the starboard engine and all hell lets loose. The turbo starter explodes, red hot turbine blades go through the fuselage into No 1 tank and kerosene pours out on to the still burning fragments of the cartridge, the whole lot goes up! The crew are out in a shot and even get their chutes out, they had to, they would have had to pay for them otherwise. A phone call to the fire section has their brand new Rolls Royce fire engine charging round the peri track and screeches to a stop at the bonfire. An erk in gents natty asbestos suiting complete with a big helmet jumped down and pointed a huge pipe at the bonfire and shouted "Send it fru". The trouble was noffink came 'fru', they had been so busy polishing their new toy, no one had thought to fill it with foam!!! Then the wheel hubs and the cockpit coaming, which are magnesium alloy, went up with a bright flash, we just looked the other way. Then someone muttered "What about the ejector seats, we just backed off as few more yards and sure enough, there was a triple explosion and three steel tubes,with bits of the seats still attached shot a couple of hundred feet into the air. The next morning, there was a perfect silhouette of a Canberra, burnt into the tarmac, with two Avons still in situ. I dare say there were new faces at the fire section in the next few days.

Ken


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 6, 2010)

Nice Ken!


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## Maestro (Feb 6, 2010)

Not my story, but one that was told to me by a WWII veteran.

Lieutenant-Colonel Charles "Charlie" Forbes, Royal 22nd Regiment Commandos, Nederland, 1944.



> It was a dark evening and we were in a small town in Holland doing some "house clearing" (removing German troops from civillian houses) when I broke through a door. A teenage female voice asked from a dark corner of the kitchen, first in German, then in English and finally in French, who we were. I answered that we were Canadian soldiers. She immediately awoke everyone in the house...
> 
> "Canadian troops ! Everyone get up ! The Canadians are here !"
> 
> ...


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## RabidAlien (Feb 6, 2010)

@Canberra's story, that's one where you just quietly slink back to your barracks and start packing your bags!

Good one, too, Maestro!


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## Night Fighter Nut (Feb 26, 2010)

While serving in Hawaii.  1st work formation of the day our squad leader would go to each person and ask, "Whatcha got!" If we had an appointment or had some special duty of course we reported what we had to do for that day. Then there was guy we called Murbo. Squad leader gets to him and asks, "Whatcha got!" He replies... "Sergeant! I got 16 lbs of swinging meat, balls the size of cantelopes, and enough hair in the crack of my a** to weave two Indian blankets!" Needless to say he was speechless for a moment. Everybody else within earshot was nearly rollin on the ground laughing. Murbo just stood at attention with a straight face. Finally the squad leader just replies, " Carry on!"


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## Maestro (Feb 27, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 27, 2010)

EXCELLENT answer!


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Feb 27, 2010)

Another one from my grandfather. 

During his time as the Chief of Police in Hartford(although it might have been before, I'm not sure) He was in charge of a hostage situation. A man had his family held hostage in his house, really out of his mind. He had police surrond the house and sent for a negotiator. While this was happening, there was a few news stations that were filming the whole standoff. Only problem with that is that the father was watching the whole thing on the news, and was getting agitated on seeing the cops surronding his house, and was getting more desperate. Seeing this, my grandfather told the news crews to back off, making sure the father didn't see any more of the cops movements. In the end, the situation was diffused, and I believe nobody was hurt. 

About a week later, he got a call from the Public Relations Manager from one of the news stations. The guy was apparatently pissed that my grandfather told the reporters to back off, saying that it infringed on the first Amendment or something along the line. At first, he tried to explain why he did it, explaing the risk it had on the hostages. Apparently the guy didn't get the message, or cared. So after awhile of the man complaining, my grandpa got fed up and basically told the guy to go f#ck himself.


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## Canberra Man (Apr 3, 2010)

One of ourCanberras developed a strange fault. After about twenty minutesd flying time, both engines would lose about 20% power. It was puzzling for quite a while and eventually Rolls Roycw were contacted and in due course the 'boffin' arrived. He carried out an engine run and then she was pushed into the hangar. To say that the 'boffin' became the most hated bloke at Binbrook, was an understatement. Shortly our elec/sgt told me that while she was at the dispersal, the engine lads thought one of the fuel pumps in the bomb bay was noisy and would I have look at tt while the a/c was u/s. I went into the hangar, there appeared to be no one around, no boffin. So I went to the cockpit, no warning notices, so I sat in the bang seat and switched on the 24v system and switched on the suspect pump. Then it happened, there was a strangled gurgling sound of someone drowning trying to shout "bloody rotter!" Then "it" appeared at the cockpit, the "Boffin" covered in kerosene from head to feet. He said, or rather gurgled through half a gallon of kerosene that he was going to report me to the flight sergeant and splashed away. He came back. still splashing and told me the flight sergeant wanted to see me amd I was 'for it'. He went or rather splashed away. I went to the office and tapped on the door and was bade enter. The flight sergeant said. "If he's gone, come in and shut the door." I shut the dorr and a big grin split his face, he told me it was a good show and when the b,,,,,rd gets on the starboard engine, do it again, there are all the needed warning cards in the stores and its his own fault, he said he'd told the CO and he was still laughing. He left the next day and his replacement had the job done in half a day. The original dimwit had the cheek to write to the CO claiming a new suit and was politely told to gbet stuffed.

Ken


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## RabidAlien (Apr 3, 2010)

x2


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## Njaco (Apr 3, 2010)

Thats a good one Can Man!!!


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 3, 2010)

Nice!


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## Budman (Jul 23, 2010)

When I was TDY to Columbia, South America,back in 1993, during the evenings the good Colonel and I would get together to enjoy some scotch. Lt. Colonel Philip Tennant was a self proclaimed expert on scotch and would launch into lengthy dissertation on various brands and malts. He also said that he was an heir to the Tennant Distilleries in Scotland. Since I was in charge of ordering supplies for the detachment I always insured that the weekly resupply C-130 flight leaving Panama would have an adequate scotch supply on board.

One evening Airman Tim Gajeck happened upon our nightly get together and spy-ed the bottle sitting on the table. "Hey can I have some of that?" asked the young Airman. "Help yourself" I replied. Were upon he whips out his canteen cup pours in half the bottle and mixes it with some coke. He than proceeds to chug it down in four or five swallows followed by a very loud belch.. 
Colonel Phil upon witnessing this complete disregard of scotch etiquette flew in to a rage.
"Gajeck, you scotch sucking, pig!!" roared the Colonel. "You have as much class as a kick in the nuts." The Colonel continued to lambaste this hapless airman about his complete disregard of scotch etiquette and for his anti social mannerism. The Colonel glared at the accursed and added,"Gajeck, I want that scotch replaced by tomorrow or I will court martial you and since we are deployed in a hostile fire area I will have you shot." 
Gajeck nervously looked at me and whispered, "He's kidding isn't he?". With my best poker face I replied, "No he's not." Gajeck turned as white as a sheet and quickly disappeared. 

Early the next morning I saw the Colombian Air Force Huey helicopter that was attached to us on an early morning take off. As it passed by through its open doors I noticed a blond haired young man was on board. Knowing that the Colombians did not have any blond haired crew members, I assumed it was Airman Gajeck off on his quest for scotch mission. 

Where he could have gone I do not know. We were 6 miles north of the equator, near a river that flowed into the Amazon. The nearest civilization was a couple of hundred miles away. We were truly out in the jungle. That afternoon our Scotch Hunting Hero returned with his prize and proudly presented it to the Colonel in exchange for his life. I don't recall the name but the bottle was packaged in a box and it did say scotch on it. I also learned that it cost Gajeck about $500 to bribe the flight crew. A small price to pay when your ass is on the line.


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## Night Fighter Nut (Jul 23, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 23, 2010)

heh...never get between a dedicated drinker and his beverage of choice!


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 23, 2010)

LMAO, NICE!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 23, 2010)

Funny. 


Wheels


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## Canberra Man (Jul 25, 2010)

The Squadron is in Malaya for 6 months, attacking the terrs with 1,000 pounders and the Canberra's are returnning from the latest mission. They are taxying in to the dispersal, I direct one onto the pan, signal him to stop and open the bomb doors with an armourer standing by in case of hang ups. There were no hang ups, oh no! far worse. As the bomb doors opened, a thousand pound bomb squeezes through the gap and crunched onto the tarmac. The ground crew were wondering whic way to run and how fast, when we realised, the bomb hadn't fallen far enough to arm. Fun over for the day!

Ken


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## RabidAlien (Jul 25, 2010)

The force of the winds rushing into the vacuum drawn by the collective puckering of every sphincter within a 500-meter radius was felt as far away as Rhode Island.


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## N4521U (Jul 26, 2010)

A crewman in a squadron attached to the carrier Yorktown, 1963 we pulled into Yokosuka Naval Station. There was a 3rd class in our group who had just married in the States and promised his new bride he would stay faithful on this cruise. Having been on several Far East cruises, he was our guide. On one of our Liberties, we were walking "downtown" Sasebo where all the Mamasans and some of their "girls" were pitching their services from the upper floor windows,"hey sailor, want a nice girl"? For an 18 year old this was quite something! Well, our "guide" clued us in to what was on offer, we were pretty eager young shipmates. But to our surprise our leader looked up at Mamasan with a smile and replies, 

"not really, but do you have a nice fat boy"? 
To which everyone broke up into hysterics and we made our way to the Blue Moon stand bar for another laugh.


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## Jim Hanna (Nov 10, 2010)

The incident l am about to relate was not only the funniest thing l saw while in the RAF, but was also one of the funniest thing l EVER experienced. Let me set the scene. 

RAF Brize Norton in the late 1960's. I worked as a airframe fitter on the VC-10 / Belfast flight line. These were the days when Great Britain still had many overseas commitments, and personnel and families were flown out on a daily basis on military duty. 

During the aircraft see off the airframe man ( me in this case ) was the guy on the headset connected to the flight crew on the flight deck. The engine tech manned the external engine start trolley, The electrician manned the fire extinguisher, and the instrument trades helped in whatever task they were required on. 

The air movements buses arrived with the 150 passenger ready to be loaded aboard the aircraft. They were just being ushered out the buses and escorted to the boarding steps when the flight engineer called " Air " which meant start the air start trolley, and prepare to air start the four engines. 

I signaled the correct sign to the engine tech on the Hamson air start trolley. He opened the throttle on the start trolley diesel engine then opened the air transfer valve, feeding air to the aircraft. As soon as he did that all hell broke loose. The hose connecting the trolley to the belly of the aircraft which was about 9 inches in diameter snapped of it's connection clamp, and with an unbelievable noise of rushing air, started to hammer against the side of the aircraft. The noise was ear splitting.

The next sequence of events happened almost at once. The air movement staff left their passenger in an instant, and to a man hide behind the buses, leaving the bewildered passenger stranded on the entry steps. The engine tech was jumping up and down, half trying to escape this wild gyrating hose, and half trying to catch and secure the said hose. The electrician, and the instrument lads took to their heels and ran towards the flight line office, no doubt in a state of panic. 

The flight engineer was screaming through my headset wanting to know what the @#$% was going on out there. And yours truly, well l could not do anything for laughing. I have never forgotten that scene, it was in no way dangerous, but was sure one of the funniest things l ever saw.


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## Njaco (Nov 10, 2010)

priceless!


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## mikewint (Nov 10, 2010)

The Yards were having a food supply problem because of all the rats around the villages. In a true feat of intellect we offered a bounty on rats in an attempt to reduce the rat population. We offered the kids 5 Piasters ($.01) per dead rat. At first the dead rats trickled in 2 or 3 at a time, after about a week the count was 4 - 5. Every week the count went up until after a month or so we were seeing 30 to 40 or more rats per day yet the rat population around the villages did not seem to be going down. Puzzled we asked one of the Headmen. He laughed and took us into the jungle beyond the village where the villagers had set up a rat breeding farm. if the rich crazy americans wanted rats they were going to supply us


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## RabidAlien (Nov 10, 2010)

Jim: 

Mike:  Gotta respect ingenuity!!


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 10, 2010)

LMAO, nice fellas!


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## mikewint (Nov 10, 2010)

We also did not realize at the time, was that rats were a dietary staple for the Yards. Americans were Dinky-Dau to most Vietnamese


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## tyrodtom (Feb 3, 2011)

My first South-east Asia post was Nakhon Phanom, Thailand. Most of my time was spent in the bomb dump assembling bombs or taking them to the flight line.
We were driving down thru the dump when we saw this big, BIG, Tarantula. Like about 1 foot across. We messed around with it till we got it into a empty 20mm ammo can. Took it down to the break area at lunch time.
Everybody ohhed and ahhed about it. When we were thru looking the Thai girl who sold cokes at the bomb dump gate asked us if she could have it. Sure, why not?
She held it by one of it's thick legs, and with a borrowed lighter set fire to the fuzz on it's body. Then she pulled it's legs off and ate the body. Just popped the whole body in her mouth!!!
She was a real beauty, guys had always been flirting with her. From that day on nobody looked at her the same way again.


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## Captain Canuck (Mar 15, 2011)

I started reading this thread yesterday as a way to pass some time. I was hooked! These stories are incredible! Thanks for the riveting reading gentlemen.


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## bromhead (Dec 23, 2012)

Spending a month in Vung Tau,,former french resort city on the beach,,scenery ,,resturants,,downtown,,clubs girls,,in country R And R,,,as a short timer detailed to ammo reloads on the sirfield but with time off ,,I was selected for a rotating troop pickup downtown before the curfew,,at 10,,parking on a corner downtown ,,picking up loads of partying infantry men with a few hours off ,,if they werent engaged for the night,,no baby san for me those nights either but thats another story.,returning along the coast road to the airfield the nco in charge told me to pull over,,in back in the pile of bodies were a few blue dungarees,,sailors from one of the ships docked at the port,,we dumped ours in the sand along the tents at the airfield ,did a 180 and went back to the docks,,our friends in blue never woke up as we drove ship to ship much like the scene in mr roberts,,asking if they were theirs,,depositing them safely at the gangways,,go navy


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 23, 2012)

LMAO


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## Soldier (Oct 10, 2013)

I was in Bosnia and we were out at a Mountain Range outpost that we took over and set up for an aerial gunnery with the Apaches. Our Platoon Sergeant had a strange habit of telling us when he was heading to the latrine. Well, The latrine happened to be a porta potty sitting on the flight line next to our F.A.R.P. (Forward Area Refueling Point) So, he went and we decided to take a Cargo Strap and went around and around and around the porta potty and ratchet it down securely. 

About the time he was trying to get out. The F.A.R.P had a customer. Thats right folks, an apache came in, flared back and all that rotor wash was directed on that porta potty. It blew over on the door side and he was stuck there. He was a little blue in the face. We were out in the middle of nowhere. He waqs just lucky that it wasn't the only porta potty around. Needles to say he never told us again whenever he went to the latrine!


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 11, 2013)




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## silence (Oct 14, 2013)

Heard about stuff like that happening on construction sites, only instead of prop wash the PP got picked up with a crane! (Which is one reason why I never used them!)


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## Mikec (Oct 19, 2013)

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I have always wondered about this one............... is this like picking up the Admiral, or the Lt. General out of his boots,
and then setting him, or her down in another new pair .................. 



Mike
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## Soldier (Dec 5, 2013)

While deployed, someone (later identified as my Lt) decided to fill my combat boots up to the brim with foot powder while I was out conducting PT (physical training). Everyone was laughing about it. Well, I had to pay the person back so when I found out who it was I went to the little PX and looked around for something to get even with. Since we had females in the camp, I found a bottle of NARE. I waited until the LT left the tent, and emptied his bottle of shampoo, replacing it with the contents of the bottle of Nare.... we heard the blood curdling screams come from the shower later on. If you are unaware of what NARE does. It removes body hair chemically. Lets Just say noone ever messed with me again on that deployment!!


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 6, 2013)

Dam dude, that's hardcore!


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