# Quokes/Jotes...Continued!



## Pisis (Aug 11, 2005)

Three stoned guys are sitting next to the road. A car passes them. Five minutes it's silence when the first guy says: "It was a Ford."
After another five minutes the second one replies: "No, it was a Mazda!"
Another ten minutes of silence and then the last stoned guy says: "Hey guys, c'mon, if you're about arguing, I'm gonna go home!"

---

A Deathman walks into the PC room but it is only about 4,5 cm tall. The guy in front of the PC is scared but the Deathamn say: "Don't be worry, I'm here for your HDD."

---

A young lady is walking through a park when suddenly a man jumps on her and rapes her. After it's finished, he says: "When it's born, you can call it Frank, if you want." 
She replies: "When you feel it, you can call it flu, if you want."

---

A nun is running through the church and yells: "I've been raped! I've been raped!" 
An older nun comes to her and says: "Firstly bite into a lemon and then go to the First Nun and report what has happened to you."
"Do you think I could turn into a virgin again?"
"No, but your happy face will disappear"

---

Soviet HQ: "So these Yankees have landed on the Moon, so we need to revenge it. Comrades, you're gonna land on the Sun!"
"But Commrade, it's a non-sense, there's a great heat there!"
"I've counted with it, of course! You gonna fly in night!"


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## cheddar cheese (Aug 11, 2005)

That last one is good.


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## Nonskimmer (Aug 11, 2005)

The last three are great.


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## Pisis (Aug 11, 2005)

During the Cold War: The USA and Soviet Union had agreed to destroy all WMD's. The Americans destroyed all of the WMD's under control of Soviets, the Soviets have scrapped all of the WMD's under the look of US soldiers.


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## marconi (Aug 14, 2005)

F-111 is flying somewhere on the North.Suddenly something happens to their engine and they are forced to land.While they are trying to deal with their engine the Soviet AN-2 lands near them, also having some malfunctions.They help each other then in the evening they drink some vodka for friendship between nations, for peace in the world and so on.
On the next morning Russian captain wakes up with terrible headache and asks his second pilot:
-Hell, Borya, do you remember what I have promised to Americans yesterday?
-You've made a parry with them, that your plane is faster then theirs and you will beat them in race.
-F**K!!! ...Well its late to step back, we'll have to do something.OK, tie up the rope to their plane's tail and to our plane.
Then the race begins.
American pilot asks his navigator:
-OK, where are those Russians?
-They are on our tail.
-Let's speed up
....
-Where are they?
-Still on our tail.
-Change wings to swept wing position.
...
-Are they still there?
-Yup
-Let's speed up again.
...
-Did w loose them?
-No.
-Go to supersonic.
-OK .... We've lost, boss, they've only begun to change their wing geometry...


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## Pisis (Aug 14, 2005)

an old one 

Tricks on Your Friends When You Drink:

1) Chair trick:

When you're more then 3 people, this is very funny.

You'll need:
-A chair
-Something soft to land on
-Something for disable eye looking
-A cap or hat, etc.
-More then three people (5+ is best)

Choose two of your helpers --> go out of the room--> Tell them what is it: Two guys hold the chair, each from each side, thre 3rd is standing in front --> arrange the soft landing area (pillows or something is good) --> call the first volunteer --> rope his eyes with some scarf or something to disable his eyes --> put your cap on your head --> help him/her to stand on the chair --> tell him/her to hold your head --> while he/she is holding your head and cannot see what is happening, thw two helpers only lift the chair a small and start to gently shake with it, you go down in your knees constantly --> if you're very low now, all three start to shout "Jump! Jump!" --> the volunteer thinks he/she is somewhere near the ceiling, as he cannot see and is afraid to jump!

It's a crazy thing, most of the people thought the'yre really somewhere 2 meters above the floor! Girls are best, they are often scared to shit, when they hear the "jump, jump!" from the next room and often don't want to go!  

2) Car Trick

This one is good when you're in the streets having fun. You need 1+ people to assist.

Tell someone you're gonna open every car he points at. He often points at some Mercedes or so... --> Say: "OK, why not, but turn aside and close your eyes." --> To ensure he isn't looking, tell your helper to cover his eyes. --> Make some alike noise, like knocking on the car or anything, that the volunteer thinks you're trying to open it. --> Very quickly dirt your hands with the exhaust dirt and smoke --> say something like "Oh, shit, it's hard..." and tell the helper "Try it instead of me if you seccess..." and hold the volunteer with your dirty hands --> the helper says something like: "Oh, shit, it's unable!" --> so say "OK, sorry dude, I lose!" and let him --> now he has the dirt on his face but knows nothing and the fun begins! It's often good to say "OK, man, I've lost so let's go to some pub, I'll pay your beer!"  Now check what happens in the pub - he looks like an indian or so and it's only up to you to tell him!


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## Pisis (Aug 15, 2005)

A British driver goes on a trip to Continent. He's speeding down the highway and truns on the radio: "Breaking News! A Dangerous Mad Freak is Driving in an opposite direction on the main Highway!" The guy yells: "If only one!"


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## marconi (Aug 15, 2005)

Me!  8)


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## Pisis (Aug 15, 2005)

Shto ty zkazal? (My azbuka reading is very bad, sorry....)


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## Pisis (Aug 15, 2005)

And btw, do you live in a gym? Your hands seem to be evry big!


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## Medvedya (Aug 15, 2005)

Would a true frontovik wear anything else but a gym? Boom boom!


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## marconi (Aug 15, 2005)

Ha! Do you know whose portrait was it before my head appeared there?

(what is written there is not really important, it's a kind of a joke, and explanation of it will be too long )


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## Nonskimmer (Aug 15, 2005)

marconi said:


> Ha! Do you know whose portrait was it before my head appeared there?


Hmmmm, lets see. 
Soviet marshall's uniform, Hero of the Soviet Union medal, smoking a pipe while leaning over map...

It could only be...Benito Mussolini!


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## Medvedya (Aug 15, 2005)

Some computer tech joke about terabytes - no idea what skachayem means though. 

Edit: okay - I tried to look it up in the starei slovar - something to do with racing?


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## marconi (Aug 16, 2005)

Nonskimmer, Benito was smoking a pipe? 

In Russian the sence of the sentence is mostly made by the structure of words.This is achived by adding prefixes, suffixes and endings.Each of them gives a word it's own meaning, sligtly different to original.In this case ending " -em" means plural form and prefix "s-" means finished action.You had to search for a word "kachat' " wich means pump.It is also a computer slang meaning download.

It's said there: "Let's download another terabyte!".The style of the sentence is similar to the original slogan.

I hope I didn't bored you with my small lection


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## Pisis (Aug 16, 2005)

Bennito smoked crack, I'd guess.


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## Nonskimmer (Aug 16, 2005)

No doubt.


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## Pisis (Aug 16, 2005)

And Churchill smoked hashis, if i don't confuse... That's why he allways invented a non-conventional resolution!


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## Nonskimmer (Aug 16, 2005)

The Canadian prime minister of the time, Mackenzie King, used to ask his dog for advice. I think that might explain a lot, actually.


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## Pisis (Aug 16, 2005)

One of some politicians (my dumbhead cannot remember who was it actually at this time...) named a horse a member in the parliament.


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## marconi (Aug 16, 2005)

Pisis, it was Claudius, emperor of Roman Empire.Though actually it still was called Republic and his post was either 'dictator for life' or 'princip senatus' - first among senators.


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## Pisis (Aug 16, 2005)

Oh, yeah, I knew it wasn't anyone nowadays. But easily could be...  Saddam or Ahmadzheenadzhaad.


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## Pisis (Aug 17, 2005)

*Jokes on War in Iraq*

An interview:
"Mr. Bush, do you have evidence that Saddam has the WMD's?"
"Yes, we have saved the sales slips."

---

After the end of the war, the Iraq will be splitted into three zones. Natural, Natural plus and Diesel.

---

A dissappeared US helicopter Apache was found in Moscow. The helicopter hdisappeared during a desert storm in Bahgdad.

---

The Iraqi TV showed a tank convoy of further POW's.

---

The anlytics of Pentagon confirmed that the War in Iraq shouldn't be long, if the Iraqis wouldn't mix into its flow.

---

From the US Army report: "(...) The tactics of using battle dolphin succeed only partly in the Desert (...)"


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## Pisis (Aug 17, 2005)

*random*

Man and woman, never saw each other previously, have to travel in a train bed coupé together. After some hesitates they agree that the woman will sleep on the upper bed and the man on the lower bed.
In the middle of the night, the woman wakes up and wakes up the man: "Please, sir, could you go and ask the conductor if he has an extra quilt?"
The man blicks with his eyes and says: "I got a better idea. What about pretending that we are married..."
The woman smiles with slight shyness: "Well, why not..."
Man: "so don't piss me off and go ask yourself!"

---

A Math professor walks into a Photo shop:
"I need to make photos"
"9 x 13?"
"117... Why?"


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## Pisis (Aug 17, 2005)

*War Fighter Pilot Jokes*

Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. When he says, "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?" 

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds the bulb and stands still as the world revolves around him.


Q: How do you bury a 225 pound fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema -- and bury what's left in a match box.


Q. How can you identify a naked fighter pilot?
A. They're the ones with the microscopic male endowment and the great big Mickey Mouse wrist watches.


*Vietnam War Fighter Pilot*

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.

Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off.

"What do you do?" he asked. "I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam ," was the answer.

Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."

The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good.

"What do you call that song?" he asked.

"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer.

"I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance."

He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.

After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called.

When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.

He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"


An Air Force Fighter Pilot - dressed to kill in his dress blues - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the captain and asked him, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"

To which he replied, "Well, I fly F-16s every single day of the week, so I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left, and the fighter pilot ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"

"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


A BBC TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish fighter pilot.

Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?

Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded.

Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames.

The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!

Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.

Polish Fighter Pilot: No, No, No - these fokkers were Messerschmitts!


Before becoming a real fighter pilot, Little Bill Bingham is playing like one as he sits on his tricycle waiting for take-off.

Tower clearance is received and Bill taxis down the driveway and onto the active runway sidewalk where he begins peddling furiously to attain lift-off speed.

Just as he rotates the tricycle nose into the take-off attitude, Suzy Brown ambles down her driveway and nonchalantly steps on the back of Bill's tricycle with her dress billowing up and over Bill's head.

Bill angrily exclaims, "Suzy Brown, I'm an Air Force Fighter Pilot and what you just did is aerodynamically impossible -- but since you're aboard the aircraft, I'll let you fly the mission with me".

Despite unexpected Zero-Zero Instrument Metrological Conditions from not being able to see thru Suzy's dress, budding fighter pilot extraordinaire Billy maintained directional control and continued to pedal his tricycle without loss of thrust or having to abort the take-off.

When safely airborne, gear and flaps up and everything under control, Bill relaxes, glances up and notices that Suzy isn't wearing any panties.

In seeing something he had never seen before, Bill asks what it is.
Suzy explains the situation and tells Bill he has to kiss it – at which time Little Billy dismounts from his tricycle and runs away, yelling back, "No way – I'm not a real Air Force fighter pilot."


The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time.

Talk comes 'round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc's deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level.

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back, scratched my butt and took a leak."


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## evangilder (Aug 17, 2005)

Those were good. I love the fokker and the C-130 one the best.


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## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2005)

Nice ones Pisis!


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## FLYBOYJ (Sep 3, 2005)

Lance Armstrong's Banned Substances Unveiled-Please read

11:00 PM PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap - which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and balls.


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## Nonskimmer (Sep 3, 2005)

Cold.


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## evangilder (Sep 3, 2005)

ROFL! That was hilarious!


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## cheddar cheese (Sep 3, 2005)

Haha thats bloody brilliant


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## evangilder (Sep 22, 2005)

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a 
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to LosAngeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" 

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the 
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach said, 
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


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## plan_D (Sep 22, 2005)




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## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2005)




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## Pisis (Sep 22, 2005)

good one.


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 22, 2005)

hehe hehe they're good!


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## cheddar cheese (Sep 23, 2005)

Poor simple minded CC doesnt get that last joke.


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## Nonskimmer (Sep 23, 2005)

For CC only: The passenger in coach sh*t his pants.

Great joke.


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## cheddar cheese (Sep 23, 2005)

Aha, I see


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## Maestro (Sep 23, 2005)

Good joke. An other one in the same way...

Shortly after an airline plane took off, the pilot of the plane made his usual announce : "Ladies and gentlemen, this is commander speaking. Welcome aboard Flight 254. We're gonna fly at an altitude of 25,000 feet with clear weather and light winds..."

After completing his speech, he started to talk with the co-pilot, not realizing that he forgot to shut down the microphone.

- You know the new air-hostess ? The blond one in second-class ?
- Yeah... answered the co-pilot.

- She's got a nice ass. I'll go to the toilets and then I think I'm gonna f*ck her...

Hearing that, the air-hostess thought : "His microphone is still on... I must go tell him !" and ran all the way back to the pilot's compartment.

An old man at the back of the plane raised and shouted : "Hey, you haven't heard ? He said he had to go to the toilets first !"

Okay... that one sucked a little.


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## Nonskimmer (Sep 23, 2005)

It was funny just because of your comment at the end.


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## Pisis (Sep 23, 2005)

I really like nice girls arses.


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## Udet (Sep 23, 2005)

I do not know too many jokes, I am not sure if I already posted the following here in some other thread:

A very ellegant man, in a real fancy bar, was observing a likewise fancy and sophisticated looking woman drinking a martini -with an olive-.

The man approached the woman, feeling the delicate sound of the jazz quarter playing...once by her side, he asked:

"Excuse me miss, would you have sex with me for 1,000,000 dollars?"

The woman, bewildered, all blushed replied:

"Wha..what???"

Man: "Yes, would you have sex with me for 1,000,000 dollars tonight?"

W: "Ohh...ummmm...1 million? Well, I am not sure...how come...well...yes...oh well I am afraid I would...YEs, let´s go"

M: "Now, would you have sex with me for, say, ten dollars tonight?"

W: "What???? 10 dollars???? Are you out of your mind?? What kind of woman do you think I am?????".

M: "Miss, the kind of woman you are was made clear after your response; now we are just in the process of negotiating the price."


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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2005)




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## Pisis (Sep 24, 2005)

Another one:

A married man walks into his bedrrom, while his wife is in the bed. He carries a goat in his arms. He say: "You see, this is the cow I fuck while you have periods"
The wife replies: "You idiot, can't you just see it's not a cow but a goat?"
"Shut up! Who's talking to you?!"

NOTE: Cow is equal to bitch in Czech.


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## Nonskimmer (Sep 24, 2005)

Now _that_ was cold!


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## evangilder (Sep 24, 2005)

Oh MAN!  I think I will skip telling that one to my wife though!


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## Pisis (Sep 24, 2005)

I was told this one today... The guy said that the girls like it - im not sure.


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## cheddar cheese (Sep 24, 2005)

Awesome


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 24, 2005)




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## marconi (Oct 6, 2005)

Officer approaches to a private and tells him:
-Tomorrow General comes to our base for inspection.I want you to paint this rocket.Here's a bucket with paint.
-Yes, sir.
In few hours private realizes that he has painted almost the whole rocket, but he can't paint it's top: it's to high for him.So he throws a bucket at the top of the rocket.The bucket catches on the rocket's nose upside down, paint pours out of the bucket and covers the rocket.The rocket is painted!
But now private can't get his bucket which is stuck at the top of rocket.
-I'll think up something tomorrow.
Next day.General comes to the rocket and sees a bucket at the top of it.
-What the hell is this! - asks he.
-It's a neutron reflector,sir! - answers private.
-I know it's a neutron reflector, I'm asking you why it is not painted!


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## Nonskimmer (Oct 6, 2005)

Yep. That's a general alright.


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## Pisis (Oct 6, 2005)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 6, 2005)




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## cheddar cheese (Oct 7, 2005)

Thats good


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## evangilder (Oct 7, 2005)

I knew some officers like that.


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## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2005)




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## Pisis (Oct 8, 2005)

almost like froém the monthy pythons...


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## Pisis (Oct 17, 2005)

A Jewish one:

Mr. Kohn stands in front of the Butchery. Than he walks in and akss the shop assitant. "How much is the proky knee?" Suddenly a lightning hits the ground near him. He rolls his eyes to the sky and says "What? I can't just ask?"


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## evangilder (Oct 18, 2005)

hehe. I am not sure everyone will get that, but I did.


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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2005)

i didn't, completely passed me by that one did


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## evangilder (Oct 18, 2005)

It's probably not funny if you aren't Jewish, or haven't hung around with any Jews.


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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2005)

Probably.


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## evangilder (Oct 18, 2005)

Almost an "inside joke".


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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2005)

Yes, very much so.


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## Pisis (Oct 18, 2005)

A joke on Scouts:

A scout up to 15 years is a kid dressed like an idiot.
A scout from 15 years old is an idiot dressed like a kid.


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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2005)




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## Pisis (Oct 23, 2005)

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

And... they forgot the German bra- Holtzemfromfloppen!


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## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2005)




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## 102first_hussars (Oct 24, 2005)

I gotta joke for you It is a St patricksday joke. 

These two Irishmen only have enough money for half a Pint 
the two pass a meat shop and and buddy has an idea he says to his friend "give me the Pint money" - whatfor? his friend replied, 
"just trust me" so buddy runs into the meat shop and buys and 8inch Sausage and leads his friend to the Pub, they order a bunch of beer, 
Buddy's friend says? "how the hell are we going to Pay for this ya crazy bastard?" 

Buddy has and Idea, he shoves the sausage into his pants opens the zipper and tells his friend to get down on your knees and start suckin, he does, the bartender sees this and is so outraged by this that he boots the two guys out, anyway his friend says "buddy ya crazy bastard did ya break the sausage on your landing?" Buddy says no okay lets try a few more pubs, so they did this same routine for about 12 pubs until Buddys friend said "Ok Ive had enough Im too drunk to carry on and my knees hurt" And Buddy says "How do you think I feel I lost The Sausage About 10 pubs ago"


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## Pisis (Oct 24, 2005)




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## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2005)




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## cheddar cheese (Oct 24, 2005)

Haha Pisis


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## 102first_hussars (Oct 24, 2005)

Yeah you like that dont you?


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## 102first_hussars (Oct 24, 2005)

I gotta nastier one for ya, I warned ya so please be kind on your reply.

A guy goes into a public washroom to take a piss,
he starts pissn when a midget walks beside him to also take a piss,
the guy peaks over and notices
the midget has an extremely large penis, and he asks him 
"how do you have such a large penis"
"well you see IM a Leprachaun" the Midget replied
And the Guy ask's "could you make my Penis that Large?"
"Of course I can On one condition ya have to
get down and give me a blowjob" Replies the Midget
So he does it, it takes about 30 seconds to finish,
and the guy asks "So why isnt my Penis getting bigger"?
The Midget starts Giggling, "what" the Guy said,

"I cant believe you actually thought I was a Leprachaun"


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## Pisis (Oct 25, 2005)

i didnt understand that one...

OK,you started jokes about penises...

A whiteman traveler is drinking in a Jamaiacan bar
He goes to the bathroom and starts to piss
Next to him comes a Jamaiacan and starts to piss too
He has "WY" tatooed on his dick
The whiteman asks? "Sir, why do you have WY tatooed on your penis?"
"My girfriend's name is WENDY and when we make love, it shows her name"
"Ah"
After some drinking he goes to the toilletroom for the second time
Next to him comes a big black Jamaican, who has pretty the same tatoo on his dick: WY
The whiteman, sligthly drunk, tells him: "Yeah, I know, yer girl's called WENDY, am I right?"
"Nope, I don't have a girfriend"
"So why do you have WY on your dick then?"
"Oh this... It's not complete. When I have erction, it says "Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice Day!"


----------



## 102first_hussars (Oct 25, 2005)

Thats funny,
How could you not get my joke, the guy thought that the Leprachaun could magicly make his penis bigger on the condition that he gives the Leprachaun a BJ, hense

he does it, it takes about 30 seconds to finish, 
and the guy asks "So why isnt my Penis getting bigger"? 
The Midget starts Giggling, "what" the Guy said, 

"I cant believe you actually thought I was a Leprachaun"


----------



## Pisis (Oct 25, 2005)

I dunno what the word "Leprachaun" means............


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2005)

Try this Pisis...


----------



## Pisis (Oct 25, 2005)

you got me... i tried www.slovnik.cz but it didn't contain it.......


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2005)

A Leprechaun is a sort of Irish Drawf that throws out money and gold.


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## 102first_hussars (Oct 25, 2005)

Thank You


----------



## Pisis (Oct 25, 2005)

Lol now i got it.


----------



## 102first_hussars (Oct 25, 2005)

Doesnt matter now you ruined the suspense.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Oct 26, 2005)

I wanna start a site like this... http://www.gimmeabuck.com/


----------



## 102first_hussars (Oct 26, 2005)

I dont know if thats funny or sad.


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## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2005)

I would say that is intelligent. It may be stupid but he has made almost $9000 just by making a website! That is good going in my opinion.


----------



## Pisis (Oct 26, 2005)

We live in democracy, it's everyone's own personal choice.


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## 102first_hussars (Oct 26, 2005)

I thought he was joking, This is the Joke thread


----------



## cheddar cheese (Oct 27, 2005)

You wanna joke? Ill give you a joke. (Apologies in advance if anyone is offended..)

Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He saw the Gas Bill.


Nah I agree Gnomey, its is a good idea.


----------



## Pisis (Oct 27, 2005)

I know that joke, it's an old one! Lol

Know why Jews have so much big noses?
Cuase the Air is free!


----------



## FLYBOYJ (Oct 27, 2005)

HEY - HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE "BIRD FLU?"

WHEN YOU START CRAPPING ON THE WINSHIELD OF YOU'RE CAR!

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY HAS BIRD FLU?

WHEN YOU USE A MEAT THEROMETER BEFORE COOKING IT AND IT HAS A TEMPERATURE....


----------



## cheddar cheese (Oct 27, 2005)

Good ones.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Oct 28, 2005)

Heres one I made up myself today:

Q. What did Nelson Mandela do with his spare time in Prison?

A. He played Cricket. You can tell by his prison number - 46664.


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 28, 2005)

Nice ones FBJ 

CC not bad for one you just made up


----------



## 102first_hussars (Oct 29, 2005)

What is the difference between a Terrorist and a woman on PMS?

You can Negotiate with The Terrorist.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Oct 29, 2005)

ouch.........


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2005)




----------



## Nonskimmer (Oct 29, 2005)




----------



## cheddar cheese (Oct 29, 2005)

Pretty good


----------



## cheddar cheese (Oct 30, 2005)

"Doctor, Doctor! Ive got a cricket ball stuck up my arse!"

"Howzat?"

"Dont you start as well!"


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2005)




----------



## trackend (Oct 30, 2005)

Is it true that a menstrual cycle is a type of Italian moped


----------



## Pisis (Oct 31, 2005)

A British bloke drives in his car in France.
He starts the radio: "Attention! Attention! Some lunatic is driving in an opposite direction! Watch out!"
Brit: "Sheesh.... If only one!"


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2005)




----------



## FLYBOYJ (Nov 2, 2005)

Curtiss Lemay!


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2005)




----------



## trackend (Nov 4, 2005)

I'm not sure if this is the right place to stick these audio files but I'm sure you guys will tell me where to stick them if not.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 4, 2005)

Hehe awesome!


----------



## trackend (Nov 4, 2005)

If the second audio clip is too near ahem the knuckle I can remove it in a trice


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 4, 2005)

Good ones Lee!


----------



## Nonskimmer (Nov 4, 2005)

And true. The Ottawa Senators suck hard! 
Hard to believe they're Canadian, eh? 

All good, Lee.


----------



## lesofprimus (Nov 4, 2005)

*This Dude and his Blonde girlfriend are watching the news on TV one night, and the late breaking news says that there was a tremendous explosion in Brazil...

The newscaster states that 28 Brazilian people had died in the explosion....

The Blonde looks over to her boyfriend and states:

"Honey, how much is a Brazillion???"*


----------



## plan_D (Nov 4, 2005)

Hahahah


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 5, 2005)

LOL!


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 6, 2005)

how's a woman like KFC?

once you've had the breast and thigh all that's left is a greasy box to put your bone in


----------



## evangilder (Nov 6, 2005)

Good ones guys.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 6, 2005)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> how's a woman like KFC?
> 
> once you've had the breast and thigh all that's left is a greasy box to put your bone in



What if you order from the childrens menu and thus have no bone?  
What if you have the Bargain Bucket, do you then put your bone in a Bucket?
What if you dont order chicken?
What if you throw the bones out the window instead of putting them back in the box?

There are fundamental flaws with that joke lanc, I suggest you revise them and repost it


----------



## plan_D (Nov 6, 2005)

And you need to think about the bucket comment some more.


----------



## mosquitoman (Nov 6, 2005)

mmmm KFC


----------



## Pisis (Nov 7, 2005)

shit... A few days ago, I was in a hurry to job, I didn't manage to have a lunch so I bought this Twister in the KFC... It is expensive, untasty and on the top of it, it was COLD!!!!

I'll never ever go into these shitty fastfoods.........


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 7, 2005)

go stick a bone in it pisis


----------



## Pisis (Nov 7, 2005)

stick a bone in it?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 7, 2005)

it was a link back to my joke on the previosu page


----------



## Pisis (Nov 7, 2005)

i know, seen it but didn't understand it properly...


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 7, 2005)

Pisis said:


> sh*t... A few days ago, I was in a hurry to job, I didn't manage to have a lunch so I bought this Twister in the KFC... It is expensive, untasty and on the top of it, it was COLD!!!!
> 
> I'll never ever go into these sh*tty fastfoods.........



Tell me about it...McDonalds food is always cold and s*itty...the only fast food I like is the local Chicken house, they do good, delicious, quality, HOT chicken every time and it tastes great...Ill also eat Burger King cos they do a mean Bacon Double Cheeseburger...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 8, 2005)

i like cornish fast food- the pasty!!


----------



## Pisis (Nov 8, 2005)

no burge king nor other shit around here... actually the best fastfoods are china bistros, owned by vietnamese. They are very kind, the meal is SO cheap and you almost cannot eat it all... that big it is!


----------



## cheddar cheese (Nov 9, 2005)

Same with out Chicken House...A load of turks own in and they understand what youve ordered so its kinda pot black what you get, but its nice


----------



## evangilder (Nov 11, 2005)

The Blonde and the Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, 
finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. 
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in 
the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino 
from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE 
ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the 
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."


----------



## Nonskimmer (Nov 11, 2005)

Ha!


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2005)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 11, 2005)

heard it before..........


----------



## marconi (Nov 18, 2005)

I've remembered this joke while reading the topic about Chinese threat.

Chinese generals are planning the battle:
- We will put one hundred million soldiers to the right flank and another hundred million to the left flank.
- And where will we send our tanks?
- They will be at the front. Both of them.


----------



## Fuzz (Nov 18, 2005)

So the cowboy happens upon an Indian lying face down on the trail. After a bit the indian says in a low tone. "Large wagon....moving very fast.....four ponies pulling the wagon...very large whiteman driving. Wow says the cowboy, you can tell all that by listining to the ground. No, says the Indian, it just ran me over.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Nov 19, 2005)

nice china one


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2005)

Good ones guys


----------



## Pisis (Nov 21, 2005)

Subject: Communications between airline pilots control towers


Here are some conversations that airline passengers
normally will never hear.

The following are accounts of actual exchanges
between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

____________________________________________________


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock,
6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329
heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,
ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

-------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back
past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on
the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make
it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go
by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one's my favourite.... [Laugh]

The controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
was dark, -- and I didn't land."

------------------------------------------
This on is a little too close to the bone but it's still funny.... [Wink Big Grin]

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the
hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,
she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally,
the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2005)

Good ones Pisis


----------



## mosquitoman (Nov 21, 2005)

Just go onto www.getamused.com there's hundreds


----------



## evangilder (Nov 23, 2005)

This may have been posted before, but I still love this one:

Subject: THE U S NAVY'S RETIREMENT PLAN?

The US Navy found that they had too many officers and decided to offer an 
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for 
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line 
between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two 
points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of 
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out 
with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be 
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out 
with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief Warrant Officer who, when asked where 
he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my 
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, 
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received 
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing 
the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he 
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's 
weenie and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief Warrant calmly replied . . "Vietnam."


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2005)

Heard it before but is still a good one.


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 2, 2005)

i hadn't heard that one, i like it............


----------



## marconi (Dec 3, 2005)

THE MACHINE GUN for real Terminators


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 3, 2005)

Good joke, evan. 

marconi, I wish I had that gun mounted to my car for rush hours.


----------



## marconi (Dec 3, 2005)

You can actually fire from it holding it in your hands (like Arnie), because its paintball mini-gun


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 3, 2005)

Paintball, eh? Not much good for rush hour then.


----------



## marconi (Dec 3, 2005)

Must be good for painting walls though with its rate of fire 48 balls per second  (c)


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 3, 2005)

Hey, I never thought of that.


----------



## Pisis (Dec 3, 2005)

A paintball game with that must be....... uh......... to say so - unfair.....


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 3, 2005)

Not if youre the one using it


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 3, 2005)

cheddar cheese said:


> Not if youre the one using it


That would just be great fun...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 4, 2005)

expensite with the ammo, though, they should give the rate of fire in £s per second


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 13, 2005)

Here's one I heard on the radio this morning.

A blond calls up her boyfriend in frustration one day.
"What's wrong, sweetie?", he asks.
"Oh, I've got this jigsaw puzzle here in front of me, but there are like a thousand pieces and I can't even get the thing started!", she says in dismay.
"Well what's it supposed to be?", he asks.
"According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a tiger.", she says.
"Alright then, I'll be right over.", and with that he heads over to her place.

When he arrives at his girlfriend's house, the boyfriend follows his blond belle into the kitchen where she has everything spread out on the table. He stops and looks thoughtfully at everything on the table for a long moment, and scratches his head. Then he gently takes his sweetheart by the arm and says:
"It's alright sweetie. You just sit down here, I'll make us a nice cup of tea, and then we'll put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.


----------



## 102first_hussars (Dec 13, 2005)

I got one for yah

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. 


"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!" 

"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!" 

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock." 

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2005)




----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 13, 2005)

Ha. Not bad. 


A cleaner kept getting the same note from a female customer: USE MORE STAIN REMOVER ON PANTIES.
This would keep up week after week, and no matter how much he tried his best to satisfy this lady, she just kept sending her laundry in with the same damn note: USE MORE STAIN REMOVER ON PANTIES...USE MORE STAIN REMOVER ON PANTIES...and on, and on.

Finally he had enough and sent her a note of his own: USE MORE PAPER ON ARSE.


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2005)

NS, that is a good one!


----------



## 102first_hussars (Dec 13, 2005)

I Got another

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2005)

Good one Hussars.


----------



## Pisis (Dec 14, 2005)

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says..........

"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 14, 2005)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Dec 14, 2005)

I got kind of a sick one for you guys.

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."


----------



## Pisis (Dec 15, 2005)

sicken.....


----------



## 102first_hussars (Dec 15, 2005)

Disturbing


----------



## Pisis (Dec 15, 2005)

have some more?


----------



## 102first_hussars (Dec 15, 2005)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


----------



## Pisis (Dec 16, 2005)

whatebver u think im drunk


----------



## v2 (Dec 16, 2005)

Three guys


----------



## v2 (Dec 16, 2005)

If you ride too far...


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2005)

Good ones v2, I like the first one


----------



## v2 (Dec 17, 2005)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2005)




----------



## Pisis (Dec 18, 2005)

hehe......


----------



## v2 (Dec 18, 2005)

I'm here an idiot!!!


----------



## plan_D (Dec 18, 2005)

That first one is saying, "I'm here _you_ idiot,". Just some friendly correction.


----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 18, 2005)

LOL


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 18, 2005)

Good ones v2


----------



## Glider (Dec 18, 2005)

Had to smile at the tortoise humping a rock. We had a Glider land out in a field of cows. While the pilot went to the farm the Bull for some reason took a fancy to the glider and mounted the cockpit. You don't want to know the damage a couple of tons of rampant bull does to a Glider.
The Bull also had to go to the vet as the shattered canopy did certain parts of its anatomy no good at all. Took them ages apparently to sedate the Bull.
Surprise, surprise the Glider was a right off but we all offered to help the pilot with the claims details for the insurance. The farmer also had some explaining to do.


----------



## Pisis (Dec 19, 2005)

here is an old joke i remembered when i was at the hospital today:

At the court:
"Sir indictee, why did you murdered the prostitute?"
"I'm a gyneacologist and when I went home from work, she stood in front of me saying: 'Hey young boy, for 5 bucks I'll show you my c*nt!'"


----------



## v2 (Dec 20, 2005)

The greenhouse effect...


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 20, 2005)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2005)

v2!


----------



## marconi (Dec 20, 2005)

Corner gun


----------



## Pisis (Dec 20, 2005)

israeli invention, as well..........


----------



## cheddar cheese (Dec 22, 2005)

Neat


----------



## v2 (Dec 29, 2005)

Find Hitler...

http://alexanderband.1go.dk/


----------



## Nonskimmer (Dec 29, 2005)

Cute.


----------



## Pisis (Dec 29, 2005)

That's stupid!

Now here's a real thing:

_As the El Al plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the captain came on:

"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish you to remind you that using cell phones on board this aircraft is strictly prohibited.
To those who are seated, we wish a Merry Christmas, and hope you will enjoy your stay. And to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on your cell phones, we weish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home!"_


----------



## plan_D (Dec 30, 2005)

A couple go on holiday to Israel, during the holiday the woman dies and the Israeli authorities tell the man; "You can have her buried here for £150, or have her sent home for £150,000," the man requests her to be sent home. The Israelis ask why; "She can have a very good service here for much cheaper," and the man replies, "I'm sure she can, but 2000 years ago a man here awoke from the dead - and I can't take that risk."


----------



## Pisis (Dec 30, 2005)

LOL


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 30, 2005)

nice pD, and i fail to see the point in the find hitler game..........


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2005)

Good one pD. Lanc that is the point... it is pointless...


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 30, 2005)

17 seconds it took me, i know someone that'll quite like that game........


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 30, 2005)

TALKING CLOCK

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 30, 2005)

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???" 

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. 

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." 

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! 

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" 

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy." 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" 

"I call them by their last names."


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 30, 2005)

A pilot died at the controls of his aircraft and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while the pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval. 

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered the pilot.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Dec 30, 2005)

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? 

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. 

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

GRANDPA JERRY
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability. 

 SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. 

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken? 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. 

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? 

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. 

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? 

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? 

GEORGE W.BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question. 

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. 

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. 

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?


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## Nonskimmer (Dec 30, 2005)




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## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2005)

Good ones Lanc.


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## Pisis (Dec 30, 2005)

sure great man!!! LOL the bible one's best! LOLOL


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## marconi (Jan 1, 2006)

Little boy comes to his father and asks:
-Daddy, do people really become stupid because of internet?
-lol.


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## Pisis (Jan 1, 2006)

hehe


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## marconi (Jan 1, 2006)

Two guys are walking at the street and see some guys are robbing the store:
-let's go there and stop them.
-Nah, there's two o them and we're all alone.


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## marconi (Jan 7, 2006)

I didn't understand about Mouse Heads.Can someone explain it?


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## Nonskimmer (Jan 7, 2006)

Beats me. It probably should say Moose Heads. I've never heard "Mouse Heads" before. 
If it was intended as Mouse Heads, it ain't funny.


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 7, 2006)

maybe that's trying to show americans as stupid because they mispell moose as mouse?


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 7, 2006)

hehe..........


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## Gnomey (Jan 7, 2006)




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## marconi (Jan 7, 2006)

Photoshop ?


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 7, 2006)

Yep thats what it looks like to me


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 7, 2006)

i didn't think it was real but it's still good..........


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## FLYBOYJ (Jan 7, 2006)

marconi said:


> I didn't understand about Mouse Heads.Can someone explain it?



I think it should of said "Moose" heads - god and people say American's are dumb!!!!


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 7, 2006)

that's why i thought that they're trying to show americans as dumb because they can't spell moose, but then again they did spell cocaine right, says something, no


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## FLYBOYJ (Jan 7, 2006)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> that's why i thought that they're trying to show americans as dumb because they can't spell moose, but then again they did spell cocaine right, says something, no



isn't Kokane spelled with a "K"???


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## MichaelHenley (Jan 9, 2006)

That soccer photo was photoshopped. If you look in the gap in ronaldo's left arm over his head, you'll see a gap showing the stadium where there should be the other guy's shorts...


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## Pisis (Jan 9, 2006)

ain't see no stadium... do you mean the yellow spot?


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 9, 2006)

we've established it's not real already 

alright then, a guy told me and CC several today, no doubt he'll tell you some...........

what's the difference between going down for speeding and goind down on a woman?

going down on a woman you actually get to see the twat behind the bush


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 9, 2006)

A vampire walks into a bar and says "can I have some boiling water please"

Bartender says "Dont you usually drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Yeah but im making a cup of tea today instead"


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## marconi (Jan 9, 2006)

Look at these happy guys


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 9, 2006)

why're dildos and soya similar? they're both substitutes for meat


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## Pisis (Jan 9, 2006)

sick.........


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## Pisis (Jan 9, 2006)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8460222362133632201&q=2pac


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 9, 2006)

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

wiped his arse


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## Pisis (Jan 9, 2006)

oh come on lanc, what you have a bad day? ........


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 10, 2006)

what's the difference between a job and a wife??

a job still sucks after ten years


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## Pisis (Jan 10, 2006)

this one's great!


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 10, 2006)

why're wives and hoovers the same?

after about a year they stop sucking and start whining


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## Pisis (Jan 10, 2006)

omg...... where did you dig these from?


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 10, 2006)

a magazine called Zoo, it's for men and is about the usual bloke stuff, football, cars and women


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## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2006)

Good ones Lanc.


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## Pisis (Jan 10, 2006)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> a magazine called Zoo, it's for men and is about the usual bloke stuff, football, cars and women



Yes, I know this junk. Like Men's Health, Xantypa, etc.... I hate this skimmery shit!


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 11, 2006)

I have a lot of jokes I could post...but im not going to as theyre likely to cause serious offence


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 11, 2006)

yes CC definately don't post most of the ones i know you're thinking about


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## pbfoot (Jan 11, 2006)

How do you know when its bedtime at a catholic orphanage the big hand is on the little one


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## marconi (Jan 12, 2006)

Here are some pictures.I'll delete them if moderators think they're indecent.


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## mosquitoman (Jan 15, 2006)

Weird fact- the yeast used to make lager is Saccharomyces CARLSBERGensis.


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 16, 2006)

Speaking of yeast.....What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

Quarter Pounder with cheese


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## Pisis (Jan 16, 2006)

That's stupid. I don't like jokes like that...


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## plan_D (Jan 16, 2006)

Well I do. Hahah! Nice one, CC.


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 17, 2006)

Thats a tame one, I can do much worse but I dont think I should.


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## 102first_hussars (Jan 17, 2006)

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner.
The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings. 
After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man "What are you staring at?" 
"Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. 
I was wondering if you were my son."





This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. 
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" 
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" 
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" 
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" 
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina


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## Pisis (Jan 18, 2006)

"Mum, will you buy me a Bra when I'm 16 now?"
"No, John!"


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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2006)




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## Pisis (Jan 18, 2006)

This is the current Czech _Healthcare Minister_


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## v2 (Jan 18, 2006)

Sea Kings in the Sun

Goodbye Papa please pray for me
My helicopter's crashing in the sea
I honestly don't mean to pout,
but my future is in doubt,
My co-pilot just fell out. 

Goodbye papa it's hard to fly,
When my airframe's cracking in the sky,
For every hour in the air,
it takes them 30 to repair,
We fly these things on a dare. 

We've had joy, we've had fun,
We've had Sea Kings in the sun,
But the engines are on fire,
and the Sea Kings must retire, 

Goodbye Chrétien my stingy one,
You could have bought the EH-101,
Instead you blew 500 mil,
Just to cancel out the bill,
Now I need an airsick pill. 

We've had joy, we've had fun,
We've had Sea Kings in the sun
We'll be lucky if we reach,
a crash landing on the beach.


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## v2 (Jan 18, 2006)




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## evangilder (Jan 18, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2006)




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## 102first_hussars (Jan 18, 2006)

This one is pretty shocking, if youre a Jackass fan you will find this hilarious.

http://media3.davesdaily.com/videoclips11/26-snowmobileaccident.wmv


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## Nonskimmer (Jan 18, 2006)

Jesus!


----------



## 102first_hussars (Jan 18, 2006)

Now this


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## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2006)

Ouch!


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## Pisis (Jan 19, 2006)

That Ski-Doo accident had to be fatal, no way.......


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## v2 (Jan 19, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2006)




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## MichaelHenley (Jan 19, 2006)

Weasel? Eh?


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## 102first_hussars (Jan 19, 2006)

Ouch!


----------



## v2 (Jan 20, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Jan 20, 2006)




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## Nonskimmer (Jan 20, 2006)

Ah-ha! So _that's_ how it happens!


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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2006)

LOL NS! .


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## v2 (Jan 20, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2006)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 21, 2006)

i love that last one


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 21, 2006)

You would.


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## Gnomey (Jan 21, 2006)

He'd prefer it if it was a sheep


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 21, 2006)

Heres a joke about sheep which I have altered a bit to please lanc 


A man is conducting a survey on the way different counties abuse their sheep...He goes to Yorkshire and asks a farmer:

"Excuse me sir, how do you shag your sheep?"

"I put their back legs in my wellys, and their front legs over the fence..."

"Thanks!"

The man then goes to Wales, finds a local farmer and asks:

"Hello sir, im conducting a survey on how people abuse their sheep, how do you do it?"

"Well I stick their back legs in my wellys and their front legs over the fence..."

"Wow, thats how they do it in Yorkshire too! Thanks!"

The man then goes down to Cornwall, and finds a farmers son. He asks:

"Hello sir, im conducting a survey on how people screw their sheep, how do you do it?"

"Well I stick their back legs in my wellys, and their front legs over my shoulders.."

"Ugh thats sick! Why dont you just put them over the fence like everyone else?!"

"What?! And miss out on all the kissing?!?!"



Crap I know but ive nowt better to do


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## Pisis (Jan 21, 2006)

oh my god........ and how *do you do it*, cc?


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 21, 2006)

I dont do it, im not a country boy.


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Jan 21, 2006)

despite you live further from a major town than i do?


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## Pisis (Jan 21, 2006)

hehe


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## Pisis (Jan 21, 2006)

Why is Captian Igloo paedophilic?
All kids know his fingers.


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## 102first_hussars (Jan 22, 2006)




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## Pisis (Jan 23, 2006)

yup, he does


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## evangilder (Jan 24, 2006)

Funny from AVWeb:

If ever you've lost your place... 

I fly "co-pilot" for a national carrier. This particular dark and stormy night had me eager for some real world practice. The captain had other ideas. 

Me: I'd like to fly the approach tonight if you don't mind. 

Captain: ...and how many times have you flown this one before? 

Me: More times than I can count. 

(pause) 

Captain: I'm still waiting for you to say something that might inspire my confidence.


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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2006)




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## Pisis (Jan 24, 2006)

Maybe it's because I'm too tired but I don't understand it at all. Or don't see the funny point in it?


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## cheddar cheese (Jan 24, 2006)

Hehe thats good


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## marconi (Jan 24, 2006)




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## 102first_hussars (Jan 24, 2006)

Well I guess we know what Princess Leah would look like if she turned to the Dark Side.


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## Pisis (Jan 25, 2006)

Do you know the movie Space Balls? It is a parody on SW and the C3P0 is a gay there. 

BTW, hey CC, is that you on the pix up?


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## Nonskimmer (Jan 25, 2006)

I see at least one American stormtrooper in the front row. 

Hmmm, field testing the new body armour of the US infantryman?


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## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2006)

NS


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## MichaelHenley (Jan 26, 2006)

Boba Fett must have revisited Kamino at one stage


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## marconi (Jan 27, 2006)

What is he looking at?


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## 102first_hussars (Jan 28, 2006)




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## Pisis (Jan 29, 2006)

lol


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## Pisis (Feb 1, 2006)

A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.
A man asks her: "Are they twins ?"
Puzzled the woman replies: "No, one is 3 years old and the other is 10.
Why do you ask ?"
The man replies: "No particular reason, I just cant believe someone
fucked you twice".


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## evangilder (Feb 1, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2006)

Good one Pisis.


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## v2 (Feb 1, 2006)

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture. 

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: 

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."


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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2006)




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## Pisis (Feb 1, 2006)

LOL


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## v2 (Feb 2, 2006)

A mother jet and her babies


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## evangilder (Feb 3, 2006)

*You might be a redneck pilot if:*

-Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.
-You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
-Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
-You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
-You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
-You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
-You think GPS stands for "Going Perfectly Straight."
-You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy."
-You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
-You have a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
-You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
-Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the landing gear.
-You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
-You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
-There are parts on you airplane labeled "John Deere".
-There's exhaust residue on the right side of you aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
-You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
-You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
-You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
-You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
-You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
-There are grass stains on your propellor tips.
-The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals.
-Just before impact, you're heards saying "Hey y'all, watch this!"


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## Pisis (Feb 3, 2006)

lol


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## evangilder (Feb 3, 2006)

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay 
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic 
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch."


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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2006)




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## plan_D (Feb 4, 2006)

Hahaha!


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## marconi (Feb 6, 2006)

Long English words:

antidisestablishmentarianism - A political philosophy, opposed to the separation of church and of the state, esp. opponents in 19th century England against separating the Anglican church from the state.

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - fantastic, very wonderful.A memorable fictitious word from the movie Mary Poppins.

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis - A hypothetical, invented disease of the lungs, caused by inhaling mineral or metallic dust, such as silicon and quartzite, over a long period.

floccinaucinihilipilification - the act or habit of describing or regarding something as worthless. Latin flocci, from floccus, a wisp or piece of wool + nauci, from naucum, a trifle + nihili, from nihilum, nothing + pili, from pilus, a hair, something insignificant (all therefore having the sense of "worthless" or "nothing") + -fication.

I think I have a hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia


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## Pisis (Feb 6, 2006)

the longest world in Czech is "nejneobhospodařovávatelnějšími".... damn, i even can't translate it. Basicially it is 7th case of a word describing something that cannot be range managemented... uh oh


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## Pisis (Feb 6, 2006)

ooy'lbud ooy'lbud


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## Pisis (Feb 6, 2006)

Some jokes on nations...

Q: How do you sink a Polish battleship?
A: Put it in water.

Q. How do you stop a polish cavalry?
A. You plug off the carousel.

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

An irishman walks out of a bar.

A Pole walked into a bar and bought a beer.
 
A Belgian gangster jumps a man in the streets of Brussels, and shouts 'Give me your money!'
To which the man replies, 'Please sir, I'm only Polish!'
To which the Belgian retorts: 'Then give my MY money!'

Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He brakes his nose.

A Turk, an American and a Swede are standing on the top level of the Eiffel tower. Suddenly, the Turk reaches into his pocket and throws down an opal. Surprised, the American and the Swede ask him why, to which the Turk replies that "Oh, we have so many opals in our country". Not wanting to be worse, the American reaches into his pocket and throws down a clip of dollar bills, and when asked, explaining that "Oh, we have so many dollar bills in our country." Then suddenly, the Swede throws down the Turk...

Heaven is a place where:
The chef is French
The cops a British
The lovers are Italian
The mechanics are German
And it's all organized by the Swiss

Hell is a place where:
The chef is British
The cops are German
The lovers are Swiss
The mechanic is French
And it's all organized by the Italians

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone.


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## plan_D (Feb 6, 2006)

> Q. How do you stop a polish cavalry?
> A. You plug off the carousel.



That should be "...unplug the carousel."


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## Pisis (Feb 7, 2006)

OK, thanks. Did you download the file I made for YOU?!


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## evangilder (Feb 7, 2006)

Valentines day with a twist:
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's
Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're
Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think
God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish
girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he
might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe
start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to

Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going
all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them
and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."


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## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2006)




----------



## Pisis (Feb 7, 2006)

LOL!


----------



## plan_D (Feb 7, 2006)

Haha ... sounds so crazy it could work!


----------



## v2 (Feb 7, 2006)

First Mars photo


----------



## v2 (Feb 7, 2006)

and second Mars photo...


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## evangilder (Feb 7, 2006)

hehe, I have seen a few of those. I love the one with the WalMart.


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## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2006)

Good ones v2.


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## v2 (Feb 7, 2006)

I love the first one...


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## v2 (Feb 7, 2006)

Blondie..


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## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2006)




----------



## evangilder (Feb 7, 2006)




----------



## v2 (Feb 7, 2006)

American dream...


----------



## mosquitoman (Feb 7, 2006)

Good one!
Very true aswell


----------



## v2 (Feb 8, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2006)




----------



## evangilder (Feb 8, 2006)

Good one, V2!


----------



## Pisis (Feb 8, 2006)

ROFL!!!!


----------



## v2 (Feb 9, 2006)

Flight simulator....


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## evangilder (Feb 13, 2006)

The teacher asks Sen. Ted Kennedy if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Ted Kennedy, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted one. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Sen. Kennedy searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying Senators Kennedy, Kerry and Clinton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Kennedy. "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 13, 2006)

i like it.........


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 13, 2006)




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## cheddar cheese (Feb 13, 2006)

Ha!


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## MichaelHenley (Feb 14, 2006)

Brilliant


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## evangilder (Feb 14, 2006)

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.

Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and
walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed
and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we
help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just by touching
it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 14, 2006)




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## Pisis (Feb 14, 2006)

...


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## evangilder (Feb 15, 2006)




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## Pisis (Feb 15, 2006)

evangilder said:


>


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## evangilder (Feb 15, 2006)

That's frightening.


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## elmilitaro (Feb 18, 2006)

Hey guys, Elmo is back!!!


I hope nobody gets offended with the joke I'm about to say.


One day a english man, a french man, a mexican, and a Texan were riding a plane. Everything was going fine until the pilot yells out, " we are having difficulties and only one of you all can survive."

They argued for a couple of minutes and they all decided to jump to their deaths.

The english man was the first to jump and as he did he yelled," GOD SAVE THE QUEEEEEENN!!" And he died.


The french man, feeling motivated, jumped out and yelled," VIVA LA FRAAAANCE!!!" And he died.



The Texan, feeling all pumped up and patriotic, grabbed the Mexican and threw him overboard. As he did this he yelled," REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!!!"



Is it funny or what?! ( I hope I don't offend anybody.)


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## Pisis (Feb 18, 2006)

A bit racistic one but funny. BTW, what is Los Alamos?


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## MichaelHenley (Feb 19, 2006)

eh?


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 19, 2006)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3319967978568410735&q=gay+bar

damn that's funny


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## Pisis (Feb 19, 2006)

gaaybaah.... "baah"? that's why you like it? or because it's gay?


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## Gnomey (Feb 19, 2006)

Probably a mixture of both


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## cheddar cheese (Feb 19, 2006)

Saw that vid a while back, wasnt as funny as I thought it'd be.


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## v2 (Feb 20, 2006)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 20, 2006)

oh that's not pretty! well, not the one on the right atleast........


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## elmilitaro (Feb 20, 2006)

(for the one on the left)


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## elmilitaro (Feb 20, 2006)

Wait here's another joke.


One day an american walks past a building and sees a mexican peeing. the mexican is finished and zips up his zipper, but the american asks him" aren't you going to wash your hands?" the mexican replies," sir we mexicans don't piss in our hands."

its kind of lame


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 20, 2006)

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/masculout.html


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## cheddar cheese (Feb 20, 2006)

I saw that on Tarrant on TV years ago! Funny shit


----------



## pbfoot (Feb 20, 2006)

well at least women in North America shave their armpits


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## Pisis (Feb 21, 2006)

"Mum, I have protein on my jeans" 

geez........


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 21, 2006)

I read this on reader's digest:


An American goes to a hotel in the Philippines.
The American is chewing gum
American: Do you eat your whole bread?

Filipino: yeah why?

American: Cause we don't, we put the crust in a container and
send it to the Philippines
*filipino isnt very annoyed, then the American annoys him more

Filipino*pissed off: do u throw away your condoms after using them

American: of course! thats sick

Filipino: us we don't, after using it, we turn it into bubble gum then send 
it to America!

*The american spits his gum out


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## Gnomey (Feb 21, 2006)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 21, 2006)

nice


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## Pisis (Feb 21, 2006)

great game if you're too stressed: http://www.phg.ro/boos.htm


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## Gnomey (Feb 21, 2006)

Yes it is...


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 22, 2006)

An American goes into a Mexican bar
they play pool
the Mexican wins!

the American crushes the Billiard balls
He goes out looking for his wife
He shaves her cat(animal)

the Mexican tells the police
"Officer! an American crushed my balls and shaved my wife's pussy!"


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## elmilitaro (Feb 22, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2006)




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## elmilitaro (Feb 22, 2006)

Here's a joke I heard.

(I hope nobody gets offended.)



Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."



So what do ya'll think?


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## elmilitaro (Feb 22, 2006)

Another joke I found.


The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. 


One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. 


"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. 


"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. 


The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." 


"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'" 



So?


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## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2006)




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## cheddar cheese (Feb 22, 2006)

Haha that last one was a good one


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## Pisis (Feb 22, 2006)

Here is one:

An Irishman walked out of Bar.


----------



## cheddar cheese (Feb 22, 2006)

Heres another one.

An Irishman walked into a bar. Ouch.


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 23, 2006)

here's a joke on how stupid (some) Filipinos can get

In a nursery:

the teacher is filipino
shes trying to teach the hokey pokey

"you put your right feet in you put your right feet out"

kid: ma'am its foot

"you foot your left feet in you foot your left feet out"


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 23, 2006)

didn't see that last one coming..........


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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2006)




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## elmilitaro (Feb 23, 2006)

hers some more.



There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" 





How to talk Southern.



WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin 

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas 




I hope I didn't offend anybody.


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 23, 2006)

dude! just  though that was funny

another one

A Filipino nurse in the US calls home

Nurse: Hello opiritur, I wood like to mike a far away call to Philippines

Operator: okay whats your name?

Nurse: Maria Quintero

Operator: Maria, can you please spell your name out for me?

Nurse: Q as in Cuba, U as Europe, I as in I love you N as in pneumonia T as in Tubirculusis E as in Imagination R as in Argentina O as in Autralia


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## elmilitaro (Feb 24, 2006)

another one.



Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was - "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says...

"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got -
dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100.
When do I start my job?!"


so?


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## cheddar cheese (Feb 24, 2006)

http://media.putfile.com/postman-pat66

Found this lastnight, anyone who has ever seen an episode of postman pat will love it


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## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2006)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 24, 2006)

oh me sister's got that on her phone, i found it really booring so watched the porn her boyfriend put on there insted


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## Pisis (Feb 24, 2006)

yea, it's whole built on two words "fucking" and "bastard"


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 24, 2006)

lol, when i first watched it, i cant see anything... and like i cant really understand british that much, and ive only seen 1 episode of postman pat
but damn that was funny! 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex?"

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 25, 2006)




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## Gnomey (Feb 25, 2006)




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## cheddar cheese (Feb 26, 2006)

Ok, so theres a real nice hotel in the New forest, and its holding the world chess championships...

That evening after all the matches had been played, the players were all out in the hall talkin about there wins and their losses, and the hotel manager comes out.

"Sorry" he says, "Im going to have to ask you all to leave."

"Why?" Asks one of the players.

The manager replies "I dont like chess nuts boasting in an open foyet".



Ok so its bad, but do I care? No


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 26, 2006)

.....?


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## Henk (Feb 26, 2006)

What the do you mean .....? mate? 

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 26, 2006)

it kinda sucks, but CC said he dont care


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## Henk (Feb 26, 2006)

Oh, ok now I see.

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 26, 2006)

Steward: "Sir, are you done?"
Passenger:"No, I am Jose!"
Steward: "I mean, are you finished?"
Passenger:"No, I am a Filipino!"
Steward: "I mean, are you through?"
Passenger:"What do you think of me? False?"


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 27, 2006)

i like it CC


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## elmilitaro (Feb 27, 2006)

some more..


A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"






At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home.

Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"




A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"


So?


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## loomaluftwaffe (Feb 27, 2006)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2006)




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## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 27, 2006)

very good


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## cheddar cheese (Feb 27, 2006)

Pisis said:


> yea, it's whole built on two words "f*cking" and "bastard"



The over swearing is necessary for it to be funny...


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## elmilitaro (Feb 27, 2006)

I hope nobody gets offended with these.




There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."








A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."





When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."






WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.





Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. 

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."



So?


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Feb 27, 2006)

i like them all


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2006)




----------



## cheddar cheese (Feb 27, 2006)

Yeah great


----------



## v2 (Feb 27, 2006)

Message
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.
Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "So I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them


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## Henk (Feb 27, 2006)

Nice jokes, I can not tell the jokes I have it is racial, but if you want me to I will do so.

Your choice.

Henk


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## elmilitaro (Feb 28, 2006)

Go ahead.


----------



## elmilitaro (Feb 28, 2006)

I got some more jokes. I hope I don't offend anybody.  




3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. 
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." 
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."







An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"








Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." 
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. 
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" 
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"







Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. 
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen. 
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. 
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."







So


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## cheddar cheese (Feb 28, 2006)

I like the Italian one


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## v2 (Mar 1, 2006)

http://www.break.com/index/lawnfly.html


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## Pisis (Mar 1, 2006)

Two men are flying a plane. One is a Jewish American and one is Chinese.
They don't know each other very well so they are quiet for most of the time.
Suddenly the Jew says to the Chinese: "I don't like Chinese"
"Why?"
"Because you bombed Pearl Harbour."
"But that wasn't us, that was Japanese!"
"Hmmm... Chinese, Japanese, Korean.... I don¨t care, it's all the same."
The Chinese is pissed a bit...
More time of quiet flows when suddenly the Chinese breaks it: "I don't like Jews!"
"Why that?" replies the pilot.
"Because you sank Titanic"
"Are you kidding? That wasn't Jews, it was an iceberg!!!"
"But who cares... Iceberg, Rotenberg, Greenberg - it's all the same!"


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## MichaelHenley (Mar 1, 2006)

Brilliant!


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2006)




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## v2 (Mar 1, 2006)

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: 
Compliment her, 
cuddle her, 
kiss her, 
caress her, 
love her, 
stroke her, 
tease her, 
comfort her, 
protect her, 
hug her, 
hold her, 
spend money on her, 
wine dine her, 
buy things for her, 
listen to her, 
care for her, 
stand by her, 
support her, 
agree with her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.... 

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 
Show up naked,
Bring beer....


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## Pisis (Mar 1, 2006)

lol


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## Pisis (Mar 1, 2006)

Speaking of "jokes on nations" here is an old one, hope nobody get offended:

An American, a Briton and a Russian are in German captivity and they're sentenced to execution. They wait in the cell together, first of all goes the American. 
The Gestapo officer asks him: "Wat deatz you wud like? You can hef an elektrik chair, ze rope or ze schott."
The American chooses the electric chair. When they turn it on, suddenly the power level goes off. So the Gestapo officer says: "You ahre a lucky mann, you will live" 
So the American goes back to the cell and when they pull out the Briton, he whispers to his ear: "Hey, the power is off, choose the electric chair, buddy!"
When they ask the Briton, he chooses the electric chair, as he was told. "You ahre a lucky mann, you Bhritons, you will live."
And they kick him back to the jail. When he passes the Russian, he whispers him that the electric chair is broken.
When they pull him out, he says: "Well, if the power is off, then shoot me."

It's a lame one...


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## zerum (Mar 1, 2006)

http://my.opera.com/community/pondus/?skip=12


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## elmilitaro (Mar 1, 2006)

I hope nobody gets offended.





A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. 

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. 

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." 

"That's amazing" exclaimed the father. 

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"? 

"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"! 




A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. 

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." 

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." 

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." 









O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. 

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" 





An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.





Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." 

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." 

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. 

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" 





Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."





BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."

A weary nation can relate.







A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." 

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." 

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." 

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." 

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." 

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." 

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." 

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!" 



So


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## elmilitaro (Mar 1, 2006)

Some more....



It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.

Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.

[President Bill]
Hello! Hello!

[Voice on the line]
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!

[President Bill]
Oh no!!!
He said he wouldn't do that!
That dirty, rotten jerk!

Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.

President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.

[Voice on the line]
Mr. President, is this a drill?

[President Bill]
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.

[Voice on the line]
Are you sure, sir?

[President Bill]
Yes!!!
Fire the missiles!!!
Fire the missiles now!!!

[Voice on the line]
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.

[President Bill]
Thank you, son!

The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.

[Aid]
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kind of pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???







George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."

"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase. 

"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern." 

"George!" G. W's mama says. 

G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard. 

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed. 

"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles. 

But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"





A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.

G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.

He was half-asleep when he answered the phone. 

Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey 

GW Bush: Questions? No political questions. 

Reseacher: Political, sir? 

GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling? 

Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask -- 

GW Bush: What is this about? 

Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI. 

GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?


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## v2 (Mar 2, 2006)

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry 
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy 
3. I am tired = I am tired 
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 
5. I love you = Let's have sex now 
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question 
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you 
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins. 
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you. 
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No 
2. No = Yes 
3. Maybe = No 
4. We need = I want.. 
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 
6. We need to talk = I need to complain 
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to 
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead 
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive 
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now 
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? 
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


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## v2 (Mar 2, 2006)

*Golf Injury*
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. 

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. 

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?" 

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2006)




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## Clave (Mar 2, 2006)

A Playground Pleaser I heard today:

What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
















8 pirates!



(I never said it was good)


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## zerum (Mar 2, 2006)

nice endingjavascript:emoticon('')
http://www.netday.pl/~killer/bzdzin...den_camera.mpeg


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## zerum (Mar 2, 2006)

Rememeber this? http://www.samdal.com/spectravideo.htm


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## v2 (Mar 3, 2006)




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## 102first_hussars (Mar 3, 2006)

That is F*cking hilarious!!


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## Gnomey (Mar 3, 2006)

LOL!


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## elmilitaro (Mar 3, 2006)




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## 102first_hussars (Mar 3, 2006)

Funny As Hell

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/MAN_CLEANS_HOUSE_WITH_HIS_TONGUE/


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## Pisis (Mar 4, 2006)

lol


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## trackend (Mar 5, 2006)

An English female comic Linda Smith died of ovarian cancer earlier this week at the age of 48 here's a few quotes from her.

"Jesus couldn't have been English cause he wore sandals but never with socks".

"I'm a dyslexic Satanist, I worship the drivel"

"Tim Henman is the human equivalent of beige"

"Lord of the Rings is a book for engineers called Dave"

On the winter sport of Curling
"House work on ice"

"Erith isn't twinned with anywhere but is does have a suicide pact with Dagenham"

"I play all my country Western songs backwards- 
Your lover returns,Your dog comes home and you cease to be an alcoholic".


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## marconi (Mar 5, 2006)

Some photos


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## plan_D (Mar 5, 2006)

There's three men sat in a pub, a Frenchman, Italian and Yorkshireman - conversation moves on to pleasing the wife ... 

Frenchman "I can please my wife , I take her out for a nice meal. Wine and dine her , bring her home and make love to her ... she rises 6 inches off the bed with pleasure." 

Italian " That's nothin' - I take mine out to the opera, wine and dine her , then make love to her. She raises a foot off the bed with pleasure ... "

Yorkshireman " Bah , that's nothin' ! I tell my wife to stay home, look after the five kids. I go to the pub down ten pints, come home ...shag her all over the house, cum on the bed and wipe my cock on the curtain 'n' she hits the fuckin' roof! "


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## MichaelHenley (Mar 6, 2006)

HAHAHA!
:ROFL!!!


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## v2 (Mar 6, 2006)

The joke is from Belgium. Belgians claim that Dutch people are 
tight-fisted.
"Why are the strips, on the Dutch flag, horizontal? Because each time 
the end becomes frayed, they can cut it back".
A Dutch friend of mine told her mother this joke and her mother replied: 
"why is it funny? I always do that!"


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## Gnomey (Mar 6, 2006)




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## elmilitaro (Mar 6, 2006)




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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 6, 2006)

A German, a Japanese guy and a Mexican are somewhere
suddenly, a ring comes from the German's arm, then he gets reminded to do something

German "oh im sorry, cause you see, here in Germany we have
advanced technology and all that so i have a chip implanted in my arm"

after a while, the Japanese guy's hand rings then he talks to his hand

Japanese: "oh sorry, cause you see, here in Japan we have all this advanced technology so i can use my hand as a cellphone"

the Mexican gets jealous, then he needs to go to the bathroom
.....
when he comes out, a piece of tissue is stuck to his bottom

he pulls it out

"oh im sorry, i just got a fax, cause here in Mexico we have all that advanced things mmkay"?


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## Pisis (Mar 6, 2006)

Two women crash their cars
The one slaps her hands and yells on the other one: "You see. A woman driving!"


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## elmilitaro (Mar 6, 2006)

loomaluftwaffe said:


> A German, a Japanese guy and a Mexican are somewhere
> suddenly, a ring comes from the German's arm, then he gets reminded to do something
> 
> German "oh im sorry, cause you see, here in Germany we have
> ...


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## 102first_hussars (Mar 6, 2006)

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”


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## marconi (Mar 7, 2006)

Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45357

US troops withdrawal from Iraq

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43693

Terrorist Has No Idea What To Do With All This Plutonium

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43012


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## v2 (Mar 8, 2006)




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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 8, 2006)




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## Pisis (Mar 8, 2006)

i saw that many times i even posted it. but still good though


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 10, 2006)

crazy flash movie, "the ultimate showdown"
http://newgrounds.com/portal/view/285267


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## v2 (Mar 10, 2006)




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## Pisis (Mar 10, 2006)

This is a real quote I heard yesterday on the "Jeiwsh Veterans and Ressistants" meeting...

The leader of the meeting wished all the best to the organization's members in case of their live jubileums
Our dear member ... - 95 years
Our dear member ... - 92 years
Our dear member ... - 87 years
Our dear member ... - 86... oops, no, this one is dead already...


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## Pisis (Mar 10, 2006)

hehe


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 10, 2006)

nice one


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## Gnomey (Mar 10, 2006)

Yep


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## trackend (Mar 10, 2006)

"I love sports. Whenever I can, I watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio" Gerald Ford.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country" Marion Barry (Mayor)

"I declare this thing open-what ever it is" 
Prince Phillip opening a new wing of Vancouver City Hall.

"And now excuse me while I interrupt my self" Murry Walker (sports commentator)

"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil"
Greg Phillips


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## cheddar cheese (Mar 10, 2006)

Ahhh Murray Walker, hes such a legend


----------



## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 11, 2006)




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## marconi (Mar 12, 2006)

LOL You have to see this!

http://www.livingstonemusic.net/invasion.htm


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## Pisis (Mar 12, 2006)

marconi said:


> LOL You have to see this!
> 
> http://www.livingstonemusic.net/invasion.htm


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 12, 2006)

the end of the world
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/world.htm


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## Pisis (Mar 12, 2006)

shit...


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 12, 2006)

sorry if it offends anyone


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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2006)

I didn't find it offensive but it was shit...


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## plan_D (Mar 12, 2006)

That invasion one was terrible, I cannot believe anyone can be so stupid. C'mon America , teach your children geography !


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## Henk (Mar 12, 2006)

They did a study in the world and the US was the country who knew the least about South Africa and Africa. 

Now my friend was in the UK and there were some US guys and they asked him where he came from. My friend said from South Africa. The US guy said, why do they call it South Africa is it not in the northen part of Africa.

They marked Australie as South Korea. Now I know a bit of geography, but that is plain stupit.

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 12, 2006)

im surprised that no one wanted the Philippines, probably too ignorant to know why they would want my country


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## Pisis (Mar 13, 2006)

ad the "World" - not offended anyhow, just it's too stupid...

"im surprised that no one wanted the Philippines, probably too ignorant to know why they would want my country" - they even don't know what is it...


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## Pisis (Mar 13, 2006)

Another real man


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 13, 2006)

they don't!?!?!? wow then i guess the Tramps i saw in an alley somewhere in Italy who knew what the Philippines was and what it has was actually less ignorant than those idiots


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## Pisis (Mar 13, 2006)

of course. but once I was in in England, somone asked me where do I come from.
"Czech Republic"
"Ah, Cherrepubla, of course I know.... Where actually is it?"
"A bit East of Germany"
"Ah, Germany, of course! So your from Germany?"
It really depends on how much the guy is educated.
I'm sure 1/3 of my classmates would look up Philippines on the map, and if would be mispainted as Japan, like in the clip, I'm sure they'll pin it.


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 13, 2006)

depends on the country too, probably arent that many Filipino workers in England as in Italy


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 13, 2006)

Pisis said:


> Another real man


that guy looks flat


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## Henk (Mar 13, 2006)

Now we did not have such stupid people in my Geography class, we know where most countries are. I do not know where every country is, but I kind of know where on the world mad they are.

My friend knows all the countries in the world and where they are. That smart sun of a gun he was number one in the school.

Henk


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## Pisis (Mar 14, 2006)

Yeah, of course. It depends on how much important the coubntry is.... Because a small/unsignificant country is dependant on the other, bigger ones...


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## v2 (Mar 14, 2006)

If some peoples in USA asked me "where from you are" I said " from Poland". 99% of them ansverd "ah yes, from Holland, nice country"...


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## Pisis (Mar 14, 2006)

Becuase for them whole Europe (except "the 51st state" - UK) is kinda wierd museum... You know, it is even in the EU. When our governemt made a research what EU citizens outside the Czech Republic know about it, the outcome was that Czechs are "nice but primitive people, whose main industrial branches is oil and sun dial"

...which is a complete shit, of course.


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## Pisis (Mar 14, 2006)

on topic...


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## Henk (Mar 14, 2006)

lol lol lol, great one mate it looks like Bugs bunny with short ears.

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 15, 2006)

lol no nose


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## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2006)

lol


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## Pisis (Mar 15, 2006)

Embedded media from this media site is no longer available


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## GermansRGeniuses (Mar 15, 2006)

!!!


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## v2 (Mar 16, 2006)

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. 

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" 

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." 

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." 

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" 

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 16, 2006)

illiteracy is present in every country... damn idiots


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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2006)

v2


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## Pisis (Mar 16, 2006)

Lol


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## Pisis (Mar 16, 2006)

MacGyver


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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2006)




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## Henk (Mar 16, 2006)

lol. That is a good one mate.

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 16, 2006)




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## v2 (Mar 17, 2006)

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the woman who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you should smile. 

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you 
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? 

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, 
archery, and shooting. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? 

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? 

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent 
killers. 

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


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## Gnomey (Mar 17, 2006)




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## Pisis (Mar 17, 2006)

Hehe


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 17, 2006)

omg


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## Pisis (Mar 17, 2006)

More Muhammad Cartunes


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## evangilder (Mar 17, 2006)

LOL!


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## Pisis (Mar 17, 2006)

More


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## Pisis (Mar 17, 2006)

and more "72 Virgins"...


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## Gnomey (Mar 17, 2006)




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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 17, 2006)

isn't mohammed spelled wrong? anyways nice pics


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## Henk (Mar 18, 2006)

that one about the one who died protesting the cartoons is good.

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 18, 2006)

what if he gets a 72 yr old virgin cause they ran out of hotties?


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## Pisis (Mar 19, 2006)

ROFL


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## Pisis (Mar 19, 2006)

More


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 19, 2006)

lol
... http://badgerbadgerbadger.com/ these guys are kinda like the times when someone tries to piss someone off, he keeps badgering him, warns him and in the end, gets really angry, anyways keep watching it for like 30 seconds, thats when the good part is


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## Henk (Mar 19, 2006)

looma that is very bad. It sucks.

Henk


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## Pisis (Mar 19, 2006)

http://badgerbadgerbadger.com/ -> what the fuck was that?


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 19, 2006)

annoying


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## Pisis (Mar 20, 2006)

I thought it would graduate at the end.... then I thought after the thrid macth.... but still nothin'


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## v2 (Mar 20, 2006)

Hmmm, interesting point of view....


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## Gnomey (Mar 20, 2006)




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## cheddar cheese (Mar 20, 2006)

Nah, heaven is where everything is Italian.


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## Henk (Mar 20, 2006)

loomaluftwaffe said:


> annoying



That is the most annoying bullshit that I have ever seen. Why the hell did you post that looma? No normal person in his right mind would listen or look at that shit.

Henk


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 20, 2006)

being normal is abnormal as everyone is different


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 21, 2006)

that's one of the most annoying things i've ever seen on the internet........


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## Pisis (Mar 21, 2006)

it has also a very annoying name...


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 21, 2006)




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## MichaelHenley (Mar 22, 2006)

ok then. can we all stop dissing looma and get on with other funny stuff?


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 22, 2006)

no


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## Pisis (Mar 23, 2006)

ROFL: 
_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee18vXyLBMM_


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 23, 2006)

man that's funny


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 24, 2006)

lol there is alot more of that in korea, a guy died from playing for 3 days straight


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## Pisis (Mar 24, 2006)

yeah, Warcraft


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## Gnomey (Mar 24, 2006)

True...

LOL


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 24, 2006)

heard of dota? a warcraft expansion i hear a good game is always more than an hour

its so addicting that i never played it cause i get addicted to games like a korean freak


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## Pisis (Mar 24, 2006)

you wanted to say "like a philippino freak".....


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 24, 2006)

if ur referring to a guy from the Philippines its spelled as Filipino

and i don't act or look like an average Filipino, and don't get addicted like the average one either, but i wont smash my keyboard

and when i meant korean freak, they are the best and many of them play games like that at online gaming, damn playing against them is like trying to kill a Panzer tank with a Garand


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## v2 (Mar 24, 2006)




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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 24, 2006)

nice boobs


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## plan_D (Mar 24, 2006)

It's a cartoon image , you are one disturbed little child. That German child was in need of some serious help , people like that should not be allowed in public .


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 24, 2006)

agreed with everything you said


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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2006)

So you are a disturbed little child the ...


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## Pisis (Mar 25, 2006)

plan_D said:


> That German child was in need of some serious help , people like that should not be allowed in public .



It was obvious he hasn't been to public for a very long time, probably most opf his life. The PC was his best freind.


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 25, 2006)

no, the PC was his life, and he just throws the most important part of his life down on the desk WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


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## Pisis (Mar 29, 2006)

Here we go... This is a solution for that bored kid!


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 29, 2006)




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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 29, 2006)

Do people get this stupid in the countryies u guys live in?

the teacher is filipino
shes trying to teach the hokey pokey

"you put your right feet in you put your right feet out"

kid: ma'am its foot

"you foot your left feet in you foot your left feet out"


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## Gnomey (Mar 29, 2006)

LOL Pisis

Looma is the Hokey *K*okey not Hokey Pokey...


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 29, 2006)

they say that in our country...


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## Nonskimmer (Mar 29, 2006)

It's "Pokey" in Canada too. I've never heard it said "Hokey Kokey" before.


...Must be a Scottish thing.


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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2006)

Maybe, although it might be a British thing...


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## Pisis (Mar 30, 2006)

Yes, I'm also familair with *P*okey......


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## Pisis (Mar 30, 2006)

Here is a picture I just recieved in my email. The Title says: *The Rough Band*


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## v2 (Mar 31, 2006)

Blondie


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## loomaluftwaffe (Mar 31, 2006)

sagging brains


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## Smokey (Mar 31, 2006)

file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/r00b/Desktop/meetgbnl.html


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## the lancaster kicks ass (Mar 31, 2006)

in Britain it's Kokey........

and looma that joke with the teacher is taking the piss outta you guys, not us........


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## Pisis (Apr 1, 2006)

the lancaster kicks ass said:


> in Britain it's Kokey........



No, his name is Smokey!


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## jbabcock (Oct 19, 2006)

FLYBOYJ said:


> Lance Armstrong's Banned Substances Unveiled-Please read
> 
> 11:00 PM PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.
> 
> ...



Umm, ball


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## Matt308 (Oct 19, 2006)

Its pokey.

And jbabcock? THAT was funny!


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