# How to Simulate Being in the Navy



## Hunter368 (Sep 25, 2007)

Some Ways For Old Salts to Simulate Being in the Navy

1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five. 

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal. 

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events. 

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc) 

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode. 

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period. 

7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes. 

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep. 

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night. 

10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD. 

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band. 

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them. 

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes. 

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power. 

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo. 

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom. 

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together. 

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks. 

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time. 

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships. 

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right. 

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit. 

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth. 

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C. 

27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time. 

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not. 

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, it's an adventure!' 

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene. 

31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent. 

32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them. 

33. Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey. 

34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier. 

35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset. 

36. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings. 

37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, "deceptive lighting." 

38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."


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## lesofprimus (Sep 26, 2007)

That sh!t aint funny man......


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## ccheese (Sep 26, 2007)

That's a crock.....

Charles


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 26, 2007)

I thought it was rather good.


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## lesofprimus (Sep 26, 2007)

U would flyboy....


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## FLYBOYJ (Sep 26, 2007)

I'm so glad I worked on P-3s


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 2, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> U would flyboy....



Jealous are we?

Its okay its quite normal.


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## Hunter368 (Oct 2, 2007)




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## lesofprimus (Oct 3, 2007)

Goddamn glorified taxi-drivers always think they're the sh!t.... The immediate recollection I have of a helo aircrew was cleaning up the vomit on the cabin floor of an MH-53....

I'd rather be humpin in the mud than cleanin up a bunch of Squid vomit...


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## mkloby (Oct 4, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> Goddamn glorified taxi-drivers always think they're the sh!t.... The immediate recollection I have of a helo aircrew was cleaning up the vomit on the cabin floor of an MH-53....
> 
> I'd rather be humpin in the mud than cleanin up a bunch of Squid vomit...



What if the pilot gives you a little stick time???


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## lesofprimus (Oct 4, 2007)

Depends on his stick, but its gotta be a big one.... Oh, sorry, I was wearing my Special Forces Green Beret there for a second...


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## Hunter368 (Oct 4, 2007)




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## mkloby (Oct 4, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> Depends on his stick, but its gotta be a big one.... Oh, sorry, I was wearing my Special Forces Green Beret there for a second...


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 4, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> Goddamn glorified taxi-drivers always think they're the sh!t.... The immediate recollection I have of a helo aircrew was cleaning up the vomit on the cabin floor of an MH-53....
> 
> I'd rather be humpin in the mud than cleanin up a bunch of Squid vomit...



Yeah we love making ground pounders sick. It puts them in place! 

You can almost make out what kind of MRE this guy ate before we flew him:


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## Hunter368 (Oct 4, 2007)

Who has to clean that mess up?


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## lesofprimus (Oct 4, 2007)

Adler does, or did actually...


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## ccheese (Oct 4, 2007)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Yeah we love making ground pounders sick. It puts them in place!
> You can almost make out what kind of MRE this guy ate before
> we flew him



That's an awful lot of "stuff" to come out of one person's stomach.
Methinks someone dumped over a garbage can......

Charles


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## Hunter368 (Oct 4, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> Adler does, or did actually...




That sucks.


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## lesofprimus (Oct 4, 2007)

Charles, the pic is blown up some, as u can see the boot heel in the upper left corner...

And it looks to be beef stew ...


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 4, 2007)

ccheese said:


> That's an awful lot of "stuff" to come out of one person's stomach.
> Methinks someone dumped over a garbage can......
> 
> Charles



No that guy puked. I had to preasure wash it out.



Les said:


> And it looks to be beef stew ...



And Dan is the winner. There is some beef stew in there. He also must have ate something with noodles at some point you can see some floating around in there.


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## lesofprimus (Oct 4, 2007)

Ive seen puke quite similar to ur pic Chris... LMAO.... Regular helo rides never bothered us, but damn, those low level nightime insertions made even the stoutest of us hurl...

And Cup O Soup / Ramen Noodles were the staple for me when overseas, and I see it still hasnt changed...


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## DOUGRD (Oct 4, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> That sh!t aint funny man......



DANG!!!! I'm getting homesick!! By the way, about the chow... It should not be recognizable to anyone employed as or entitled to the title of chef. My favorite meal was Mystery Meat and the Red Death. I think it was beef (green or otherwise) on a bed of egg noodles with a red colored (coloured- for our English speaking friends) sauce. Not many people liked it but I loved the stuff. I've even tried to duplicate it, except for the green beef part. And ...whenever you walk through a doorway pick your feet up to simulate "Knee Knockers". (If you have to ask, you ain't been there) take all the plumbing, ventilation ducting and electrical wiring in your home and mount it externally on the walls. On the plumbing and ducting stencil the flow direction with an arrow and if it's hot or cold. And approx 2.5 feet above your bunk install a 8" diameter pipe and label it "Super Heated Steam" Oh and on payday, stand in line for an hour or so just to find out the disbursing clerk screwed up your pay again! Now then stay in your house for 8 1/2 months only getting out twice in five days (after 96 days couped up in your house) to visit a port which is a 45 min ride away. At the end of the 8 1/2 month cruise pack your belongings in a seabag and sit in your garage for three hours waiting to leave the premises. You can not go to your bedroom, your work shop, kitchen or rec room because they have been turned back over to the bank. Now this is fun!!!!


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 5, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> Ive seen puke quite similar to ur pic Chris... LMAO.... Regular helo rides never bothered us, but damn, those low level nightime insertions made even the stoutest of us hurl...



Yeah I used to see that alot because the guys cant see anything so they put there heads down and stair at the floor of the helicopter and then the motion of the aircraft would make them hurl. If they had there NVG's on they normally would fixate on one object instead of scan and that would do the trick as well.


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## lesofprimus (Oct 5, 2007)

Very very true Chris...


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## pbfoot (Oct 5, 2007)

The best way to avoid being mistaken for a anchor clanker is use soap on a rope


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## DOUGRD (Oct 6, 2007)

pbfoot said:


> The best way to avoid being mistaken for a anchor clanker is use soap on a rope



Hello!!! Who do you think invented it!


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## lesofprimus (Oct 6, 2007)

Some of us Navy squids used soap on a rope, but many, like myself and Doug, used something we liked to call Canadian with a stick up his ass.... Gets u alot cleaner than soap and u get this little tickling sensation just under ur balls when u use it correctly...


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## pbfoot (Oct 6, 2007)

My o my the things you guys get up to on dry ships . What do you do dress the smartest one up so they look suave and debonair and they can simulate a canuck


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## Nonskimmer (Oct 6, 2007)

Of all the things I've been called in my life to date, I'm afraid "suave" wouldn't be one of them.


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## mkloby (Oct 7, 2007)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Yeah I used to see that alot because the guys cant see anything so they put there heads down and stair at the floor of the helicopter and then the motion of the aircraft would make them hurl. If they had there NVG's on they normally would fixate on one object instead of scan and that would do the trick as well.



Yup - the best way to fight airsickness is to actively engage yourself in the flight with a god visual scan to make your inner ear and eyes make sense of what's going on. But - usually guys just gasp for air and stare blankly at the deck while sweating profusely...


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 7, 2007)

mkloby said:


> Yup - the best way to fight airsickness is to actively engage yourself in the flight with a god visual scan to make your inner ear and eyes make sense of what's going on. But - usually guys just gasp for air and stare blankly at the deck while sweating profusely...



I actually thought it was rather funny. I would brief them about it before hand, but they had to play "Im the tough Infantry ground pounder, nothing can bother me!"


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## Hunter368 (Oct 7, 2007)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I actually thought it was rather funny. I would brief them about it before hand, but they had to play "Im the tough Infantry ground pounder, nothing can bother me!"



  Those have to be the best to watch puking up their lunch, puke running down their chin.


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## DOUGRD (Oct 8, 2007)

pbfoot said:


> My o my the things you guys get up to on dry ships . What do you do dress the smartest one up so they look suave and debonair and they can simulate a canuck



You got it Pb, we had to "SIMULATE" because there's no such thing as a suave and debonair Canuck.


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## lesofprimus (Oct 9, 2007)

And how bout those Sabres getting romped by the Islanders 2 straight nights pB??? Gotta like that as well...


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## Hunter368 (Oct 9, 2007)

Cough cough cough......


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 9, 2007)

Hell no, the Pens are going places this year!


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## Becca (Oct 9, 2007)

*perks up* Hockey discussion?? OH! *ducks*


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## Hunter368 (Oct 9, 2007)

Les'Bride said:


> *perks up* Hockey discussion?? OH! *ducks*



I had to post that Oilers logo, I know how much Dan Lovesssssssss the Oilers.


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## pbfoot (Oct 9, 2007)

lesofprimus said:


> And how bout those Sabres getting romped by the Islanders 2 straight nights pB??? Gotta like that as well...


I am a most proud and upstanding Bruins fan. The ex Junior team here was owned by the B's and lots of the Bruins of the 70's learned there trade here. The Jr team here has the unique distinction of being the only Jr team that every player made the NHL


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## lesofprimus (Oct 9, 2007)

Nice side step pB...


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## Maestro (Oct 10, 2007)

Hunter368 said:


> Cough cough cough......



Wish our team was not sold to Denver, Colorado back in 1995... Their new logo (on the right) was awsome... Unfortunately, it was never used.


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## Hunter368 (Oct 10, 2007)

Yeh its not the same without the Jets here either. Oh well


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