# Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)



## v2 (Jun 6, 2007)

SUNDAY MORNING SEX 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." 

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 6, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2007)




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## Wurger (Jun 9, 2007)




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## 102first_hussars (Jun 9, 2007)



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## Wurger (Jun 12, 2007)




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## trackend (Jun 12, 2007)

Great one


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## k9kiwi (Jun 13, 2007)

Frozen Crabs 

A man boarded an airplane in St. John's with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's Refrigerator, which she did.

Shortly before landing, try as she might, she couldn't remember
Who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in St. John's please Raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.

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## Pisis (Jun 16, 2007)

During the Cold War, a president of a Communist country goes to an audience to the Queen of England. 
When they meet on the official level, she gives him her hand in a glove to kiss it.
He asks: "Hey, Elizabeth, why should I kiss your glove instead of your hand?"
"Well, shhh, don't tell anybody, but I have an eczema..."
"Hah! I don't care! Brezhnew has piles!

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## Wurger (Jun 17, 2007)




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## Bf109_g (Jun 17, 2007)




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## Matt308 (Jun 18, 2007)

[tears] I'm speechless...


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## v2 (Jun 20, 2007)

...


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## Cota1992 (Jun 21, 2007)

Awesome!
That looks like the medical office I work in......
Art


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## DOUGRD (Jun 22, 2007)

The scene: Two statues in a city park. One is a naked man and the other is a naked woman. God comes down to the statues and says"You two have been giving people inspiration and comfort from the sun with your shade for so long that I am going to reward you. I grant you both life for one hour." There was a thunder clap and a flash of light and both statues came alive. They jumped off their pedestals and ran into the bushes. Forty-five minutes later the naked woman comes out of the bushes combing her hair and humming to herself while the naked man appears all sweaty and exhausted. She turns to him and says " We've only got 15 minutes before we turn back into stone, please let's do it one more time. Please? The man turns to her and replies "Fine, but just once more, and this time I'll hold the pigeon and you sh-t on him!"

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## Wurger (Jun 24, 2007)

And the Kieras' party.


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## k9kiwi (Jun 24, 2007)

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. 

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2007)

*Only in America...*
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2007)

Swearing Lesson Caution though....


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## Njaco (Jun 26, 2007)

*Atheist's holiday *

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. 

He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. 

The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!" 

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" 

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!" 

The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. “And just when might that holiday be, your Honor?" 

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday! Get it?"

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## Wurger (Jun 27, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Jun 27, 2007)

Three elderly gentlemen were discussing the facts of growing old one day sipping their beer at the local pub.

The 70 year old stated...

"I wake up at 7.30 and stand there straining until I am blue in the face, and all I get is a sad little trickle"

The 80 year old replied...

"I wake up at 8.00 and sit down, strain, grunt, force, until tears are running down my face for very little result"

The 90 year old sad sadly...

"At 7.00 I pee like a horse, and at 8.00 I take a dump that would make an elephant proud."

Whats wrong with that said the 80 year old.

The reply was....

"I don't wake up until 9.00"

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## v2 (Jun 28, 2007)

...

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## k9kiwi (Jul 2, 2007)

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
over-sensitive woman.

My name is Roger. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Shirley. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Shirley to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Shirley. 
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Signed,
Roger
*
EDITOR'S NOTE:

Roger died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Shirley was arrested
and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Roger somehow, Without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.

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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2007)




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## Njaco (Jul 3, 2007)

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd rea lly like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat
in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had h appened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

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## v2 (Jul 3, 2007)




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## Wurger (Jul 3, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Jul 3, 2007)




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## v2 (Jul 4, 2007)

...


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## Cyrano (Jul 6, 2007)




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## Wurger (Jul 6, 2007)

And something else.


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## Cyrano (Jul 6, 2007)




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## v2 (Jul 6, 2007)

A male Bear and a male Rabbit was walking about in the woods one day when suddenly coming across an old bottle. When touching the bottle a genie appeared, as they normally do, and told the pair that they had three wishes each.

The Bear started: I wish that all bears in this forrest, except for me, were ladies.

The Genie quickly snapped his finger and all bears in the forrest were female.

Now it was the Rabbits turn: I'd like to get this bigass castle with a huge field of carrots in front of it.

The Genie snapped his fingers and the Rabbit got his castle and carrots.

The Bear: I would just love it if all the bears, except for me, in this country would be females.

The Genie once more snapped his fingers and the Bears wish was fullfilled.

The Rabbit was a bit more held back in his next wish than the Bear and only wished for a fine wife and a couple of mistresses on the side..

The Genie said: Your wish is fulfilled and snapped his fingers.

Now it was time for the Bear to make his final wish: I want ALL the bears in the WORLD, except for me of course, to be females!

The Genie once more snapped his fingers and all the bears in the world, except for the Bear, were females.

Now, the Rabbit made his final wish: I wish that the Bear was gay!


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## Njaco (Jul 10, 2007)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. 


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house" 


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 


Come morning, the weathe r had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. 


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. 


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" 


"Yes, I do." said Bob 


"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" 


"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did." 


"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" 


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?" 


"She just died and left me everything."


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## Wurger (Jul 10, 2007)




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## v2 (Jul 13, 2007)

...

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## Wurger (Jul 13, 2007)




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## mosquitoman (Jul 13, 2007)

Didn't realise he was looking for a replacement for Camilla so soon.


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## Njaco (Jul 13, 2007)

Wow, he's really impressed with medals, huh!


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## Wurger (Jul 15, 2007)

Ah,these are called "medals" in English.I must remember.


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## k9kiwi (Jul 15, 2007)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" 

She calls on little Johnny. Johnny answers, "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." 

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." 

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." 

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

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## Wurger (Jul 16, 2007)

You should add that a teacher was a woman.


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## k9kiwi (Jul 16, 2007)

Opening line...



> A teacher asks *her* class



Which part had you confused.


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## v2 (Jul 17, 2007)

...


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## Wurger (Jul 18, 2007)

k9kiwi said:


> Opening line...
> 
> A teacher asks her class
> 
> ...




No comment.


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## trackend (Jul 19, 2007)

A few bits of trivia

Well, I never knew that !!!! 

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb '.

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language 

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone 

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green .

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer 

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander , the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar 

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If
the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand 

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? 
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare 's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.' 

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon. 

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.......... 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. 
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy , it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. 

~~~~~~~~~~~ AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~</F! ONT

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!!!!!!


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## k9kiwi (Jul 19, 2007)

What do the other 25% do?


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## trackend (Jul 20, 2007)

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the register
he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl
if she could have some brought up to the register. 

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the 
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,was
up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker 
that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was 
way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so

he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop
his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the
intercom and said..................... 

' Mop and bucket, Till 5'

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## DOUGRD (Jul 21, 2007)

k9kiwi said:


> What do the other 25% do?



They try to talk someone else into trying it.


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## mkloby (Jul 21, 2007)

trackend said:


> Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
> A. All invented by women.



I am not sure what they are referring to by "bullet-proof vest," but the modern kevlar vest was invented by a US Marine and pizza delivery-man after being robbed...


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## Cyrano (Jul 21, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2007)




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## v2 (Jul 21, 2007)

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.

Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke:

"Iron this ... and then get me a beer."


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## Wurger (Jul 22, 2007)




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## Wildcat (Jul 22, 2007)

LMAO!!


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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2007)




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## mkloby (Jul 22, 2007)

Good one v2


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## cougar32d (Jul 22, 2007)

i just tried to lick my elbow


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## cougar32d (Jul 23, 2007)

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. 
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!). "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." 

Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.). The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. 

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. 

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless! 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

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## ccheese (Jul 24, 2007)

Have you heard the saga of the Radioman's daughter ?

She only dit it because her dah dah dit it !


Charles


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## Aggie08 (Jul 24, 2007)

President Bush calls a cabinet meeting to discuss current issues in the Middle East. He is told that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in combat the previous day. All the blood runs from his face and he just about begins to cry.
"Mr. President," says someone, "you sure are taking this personally."

Bush lifts his head and quietly asks, "Just how many _is_ a brazilian people?"

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## ccheese (Jul 24, 2007)

Aggie08: That is good !!

Charles


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## v2 (Jul 24, 2007)

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and 
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than 
ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


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## v2 (Jul 25, 2007)

...


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## Wurger (Jul 25, 2007)

He,he....


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## ccheese (Jul 25, 2007)

I've been reading some of these...... where do you guys get this stuff ??

The one about the golfing nun tore me up..... I almost fell out of the chair !

Charles


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## Cyrano (Jul 25, 2007)




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## Cota1992 (Jul 27, 2007)

I police friend sent me this

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## v2 (Jul 27, 2007)

Ole &Sven 

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in
the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too.
Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz.

Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and
got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact 
he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis
mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too.

Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff
-- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee"


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## k9kiwi (Jul 27, 2007)




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## Njaco (Jul 27, 2007)

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: 

HUSBAND WANTED: 
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. 

On the second day sh e hear d the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. 
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. 
"Just look at you. You have no legs!" 
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" 
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. 
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" 
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?" 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the 
doorbell didn't I?" 

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.


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## Cota1992 (Jul 27, 2007)

Nothing like a good self help book to make things clear!


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## DOUGRD (Jul 28, 2007)

v2 said:


> Ole &Sven
> 
> Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
> Minneapolis.
> "



Hey v2 I think I worked with those two guys at Northwest Airlines heavy check hangars in Minneapolis.


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## v2 (Jul 28, 2007)

DOUGRD said:


> Hey v2 I think I worked with those two guys at Northwest Airlines heavy check hangars in Minneapolis.



And what do you think about this drink? Really good?


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 28, 2007)

Hazard Sign:


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## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2007)




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## mkloby (Jul 28, 2007)

nice adler


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## v2 (Jul 28, 2007)




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## DOUGRD (Jul 29, 2007)

priceless!


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## Njaco (Jul 29, 2007)

*CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG * 


An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents. 


They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. 



The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze. 



The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. 

It was great fun! 
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home. 



The cactus plants were removed and small ivy 
replaced them and the children were then allowed 
to take them home instead. 



The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea 
at the time! 

.
.
.
.
.
.

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## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2007)

Hahaha


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## Cota1992 (Jul 29, 2007)

At an art gallery in England was a painting of three black men sitting on a bench naked and the man in the middle had a pink penis.

A young couple was looking at the painting for sometime and the person in charge of the gallery came over and started explaining the meaning of the painting.He said that some believe it's about the suppression of the afro's and possibly the influince of the gay community to Afro's.He spent about 30-40 minutes with them.

After he left a Scotsman came over and asked if they really wanted to know the meaning. They replied "what do you know",he replyied that he painted the picture and that it is simply of three Scot coalminers and the one in the middle went home for lunch. 

Up the Scots.


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## syscom3 (Jul 29, 2007)

Cota....


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## syscom3 (Jul 29, 2007)

The top nine reasons the French didn't win the Tour de France.

1.Their team was sponsored by Airbus.

2.It's not important who wins just as long everybody had a good time.

3.There were too many Germans in the race and they just gave up.

4.The French team had no Americans on it.

5.Losing...it's a French thing.

6.They took too many cigarette breaks.

7.The French never do anything without a U.N. mandate.

8.The French bikes of choice were unicycles.

9.During the last leg of the race their bikes were torched by Muslims.


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## Cota1992 (Jul 29, 2007)

Only five months to the holidays!


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## Wurger (Jul 30, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Jul 30, 2007)




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## ToughOmbre (Jul 30, 2007)




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## Desert Fox (Jul 30, 2007)

Two old ladies, Maude and Mabel, are outside their nursing home having a drink and smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. 
Maude: What in the hell is that? 
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. 
Maude: Where did you get it? 
Mabel: You can get them at any chemists. 
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. 
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." 
The pharmacist fainted.


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## Wurger (Jul 31, 2007)




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## Cota1992 (Jul 31, 2007)

How to end the marriage before it even starts


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## Cota1992 (Aug 1, 2007)

Wal-Mart Greeter 

A very loud, unattractive, trailer trash woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" 

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" 

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just can't imagine you getting laid twice." 

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

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## k9kiwi (Aug 1, 2007)

Good Logic has this girl.


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## Cota1992 (Aug 1, 2007)

I think I know these people....


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## Wurger (Aug 4, 2007)

Both are nice but K9kiwi's appeares much more funny.


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## Konigstiger205 (Aug 4, 2007)

Whats the difference between the G spot and a golf ball?...
Answer:A man would actually search the gold ball.


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## v2 (Aug 5, 2007)

An attractive blonde arrived at the casinon and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men


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## k9kiwi (Aug 6, 2007)

Our 3 year old son enjoyed the funny bears.

Meanwhile the parents were peeing their pants laughing.


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hGGngkadkc_


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## Njaco (Aug 7, 2007)

They say Men don't listen...?

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" 

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.


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## mosquitoman (Aug 7, 2007)




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## Wurger (Aug 7, 2007)




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## Njaco (Aug 8, 2007)

*The Chili judge * 
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Jersey from Texas : 

"_Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jersey , to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Jerseyians ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted._"

Here are the scorecards from the event: 

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Jersey people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

F*** those rednecks! 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balanceof spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation 

Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in acan of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a f***ing grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is coveredwith chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


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## Konigstiger205 (Aug 8, 2007)




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## Njaco (Aug 16, 2007)

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." 

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, " He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." 

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 . He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. .. 

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" 

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" 

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" 

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. 

"The airbag."


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## DOUGRD (Aug 18, 2007)

Nj those last two are priceless!!


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## DOUGRD (Aug 18, 2007)

A man and a woman, both middle aged, get married. It's the first time for both. On the first night of their honeymoon the husband goes into the bedroom, rips off his clothes, jumps into bed and says"Baby let's F--k!" Upon hearing this the wife replies "If you want to have sex that's fine but no dirty talk. How about we use a signal that just we will understand like you would like to use my washing machine?" The husband says "OK Baby can I use your washing machine tonight?" To which his bride replies "Not tonight dear it's low on suds" The man rolls over and goes to sleep. The next night he jumps into bed and asks if he can use his wife's washing machine. She says "I'm sorry but it's in a rinse." The man rolls over and goes to sleep. The next night the husband climbs into bed, rolls over and starts to go to sleep. His wife taps him on the shoulder and asks "Don't you want to use my washing machine tonight?" To which the husband replies "Naw, it was a small load so I did it by hand."


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## Desert Fox (Aug 19, 2007)

I reckon he'll be doing it by hand for quite some time after that little comment


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## v2 (Aug 21, 2007)

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Rep; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Tech Support; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but said he'd look in to it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer. He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Gynecologist and all he did was look at it.

"Husband #9 was a Psychiatrist, all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collecter; all he ever did was.....GOD I miss him!

"But now I've married you and I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?"

"Because you are with the GOVERNMENT!!!!....This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

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## Aussie1001 (Aug 21, 2007)

Ohh thats nasty man....But good


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## Wurger (Aug 23, 2007)




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## Konigstiger205 (Aug 23, 2007)




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## v2 (Aug 23, 2007)

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.


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## Konigstiger205 (Aug 23, 2007)

So true....


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## Wurger (Aug 24, 2007)




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## v2 (Aug 24, 2007)

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


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## Njaco (Aug 24, 2007)

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. 

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" 

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." 

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way? 

The guy says, "Yes 100 percent ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." 

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 a.m." 

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 a.m.?" 

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that ."

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## ToughOmbre (Aug 24, 2007)

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, "This taste funny to you?"

Yea...I know.


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## Henk (Aug 24, 2007)

Njaco said:


> A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
> 
> The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
> 
> ...



       

Sounds like the people here in Africa.


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## Njaco (Aug 24, 2007)

Another quick one...

*GOD IS GOOD.*

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

Tough, that one was so bad I had to laugh.


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## syscom3 (Aug 26, 2007)

Where To Live After Retirement

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to?
Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: sa l t, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where..
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where..
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your na me .
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Wh ere's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. And a superb plastic surgeon.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.


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## syscom3 (Aug 27, 2007)

Look at the attached pic. Its self explanatory.


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## v2 (Aug 27, 2007)

The Things men say, and what they really mean


"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."


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## Aussie1001 (Aug 29, 2007)

Like the Santa one.....
And the one that V2 posted pretty funny guys keep it up....


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## Konigstiger205 (Aug 29, 2007)

Good one V2....


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## lucanus (Aug 29, 2007)

The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army

Not sure if this has been posted but all former officers and NCO
need to check out his list...If you are in the military now
it is up to you, but be warned some of his ideas could lose
a stripe or two


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## v2 (Aug 29, 2007)

*"Kentucky Vasectomy"*

A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision do this.

Why after nine children, the husband replied, they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.


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## v2 (Aug 29, 2007)

*Flyboy* Goes to Heaven  

An air force officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!


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## Wurger (Aug 30, 2007)




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## DOUGRD (Aug 30, 2007)

What is the difference between a blue collar worker and a white collar worker? A blue collar worker washes his hands before he takes a leak and a white collar worker washes his hands after he takes a leak.


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## Aussie1001 (Aug 31, 2007)




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## v2 (Sep 3, 2007)

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!


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## ToughOmbre (Sep 3, 2007)

A horse goes into a bar, steps up and orders a drink.

Bartender looks at him and says, "So why the long face?"

AAAHHHH!!!!

TO


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## Udet (Sep 3, 2007)

A guy from Phoenix received a call from his friends who were in Las Vegas; they told him to join them in for a wild weekend; being in fear of planes, he decided to drive all the way to Vegas in his 1969 Vokswagen Classic Beetle, which was not very reliable, but he´d take it anytime over a plane, so instead of a 45 minute flight he opted for a 3 hour drive taking Interstate 17.

Being far enough from Phoenix, the engine of his VW commenced hesitating, making weird noises and after a few minutes what he had was a broken-down engine.

His cellphone had no signal, so what he did was to sit outside his VW by the side of the dusty road waiting for potential help to pass by.

After some minutes, he heard a powerful noise increasing its pitch in the distance...it was a McLaren F1 approaching the spot where he laid, at 210 mph.

The McLaren roared leaving a huge cloud of dust, but he saw the car suddenly stopping, the driver put it into reverse and stopped right by the side of the dead VW:

McLaren guy: "What´s up buddy?"
VW Guy: "Hmmm...watching the pretty desert...in a dead car"
ML: "Is any help coming?"
VW: "Not really...i got a cellphone with no signal.."
ML: "Where you going?"
VW: "VEgas..."
ML: "Driving that???"
VW: (Silence)
ML: "Look i am in the middle of a wild race across the dessert...against a Bugatti Veyron...i left him behind...so i think i can help you, let me tow you.."
VW: "Tow me? hmmm...ok".

The VW guy found a chain inside the trunk of his car, and used it to have the car towed away...

VW: "Look, my car can´t go that fast, so please go easy...and if there is any trouble i will signal you using the lights...that would mean we have to either slow down or stop ok?"
ML: "Ok, let´s go, hurry up!" -as he nervously watched through the rear view mirror-

Now the VW was back on the road, being towed by a McLaren F1...everything seemed to be going just fine, when the 1969 Classic Beetle guy commenced hearing another infernal type of sound increasing its pitch from the distance-like a Stuka screaming on its infernal dive he thought-...watching through his rear view mirror he saw a huge cloud of dust...the Bugatti Veyron catching up, approaching at an estimate of 230 Mph...

His nightmare came true..for also the guy towing him, noticed the Bugatti closing in fast at superb speed...the McLaren F1 guy stepped on the gas pedal...off they went...

For one moment the Bugatti passed them, but after a few seconds the McLaren was right by the side of his enemy.

The VW guy was in total terror on board his old machine, clenching his teeth, dust clogging his nosetrils, his hair flying wildly and making furious signals with the lights of his poor car that seemed to be on the verge of physical disintegration...to no avail...

Then at some point, a highway patrol officer was smoking a cigarette, with his car by the side of the road, he saw all three cars passing by lifting a huge cloud of dust, putting his cigarette away and also his Dunkin donut, his message to his station:

"Here highway patrol 2-2-3...i am pursuing two luxury cars, possibly a McLaren F1 and another powerful car both exceeding 230 mph and...i swear...i swear to God and Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary...that an old VW Classic Beetle is right behind them signaling them with its lights to get out of the way!!!"


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## Aussie1001 (Sep 3, 2007)




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## Konigstiger205 (Sep 4, 2007)

Good one Udet...


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## ace7861 (Sep 4, 2007)

the first bullet proof vest was made by a priest


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## v2 (Sep 8, 2007)

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. 

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. 

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"


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## Konigstiger205 (Sep 8, 2007)

Good one V2!


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## Aussie1001 (Sep 9, 2007)

good one, my oath.....


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## v2 (Sep 9, 2007)

Time for a good laugh!

Royal Albanian Airshow Comedy Act- funny and irreverent!


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## v2 (Sep 13, 2007)

*Choosing A Wife*

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they do with the money.
The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.


The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her....


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.


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## Becca (Sep 13, 2007)

OK..guys. I'll apoligize UPFRONT for this...

ok..SO, I enjoy puns. ESPECIALLY the ones that make you grab your head..and pray for death..usually for the person that shared it..

SO..if you have gotten this far, and CHOOSE to go on..PLEASE don't throw things.

- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But WHY?" they asked,as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-
nuts boasting in an open foyer."

and if THAT wasn't enough..

- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."

Yes, I promise..I am hurting TOO. BUT,I'd NEVER seen this one..AND I think developed a nervous twitch from reading it..its GOOD.

- These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so.
Thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

OK..I swear..only one more..enjoy!

- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (wait for IT!)..... A
super, calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed-by halitosis.

*DUCKS*


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## DOUGRD (Sep 13, 2007)

Bravo Les'Bride!!!! Bravo!!!!


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## Becca (Sep 14, 2007)

OK...don't encourage me. After 13 years of bartending, I have heard TOO many jokes. I programmed myself to just listen for the punchlines.  I have a few top 10 lists that are pretty good, though. I'll have to find those to share.


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## Becca (Sep 14, 2007)

Top 12 signs that your Sci-Fi Blockbuster is going to bomb.

12. "Starring Rosie O'Donnell as Spider-Woman!"

11. Even the Sci-Fi Channel refuses to air it.

10. Isaac Asimov personally returns from the dead just to bitchslap the director.

9. Maybe the world was ready for a new Star Trek flick, but "Weekend at Scotty's" ain't it.

8. The title, "Shovel Over Your Cash, You Easily Manipulable Geekboy Fans," might be a little too on the nose.

7. When the aliens land their spaceship and extend the olive branch of peace, the people of Earth accept it and the credits roll.

6. Let's just say the green stuff coming out of your Vulcan's pants ain't blood.

5. Thirty minutes into the film, even the bootleggers have left.

4. Does *anyone* really want to look at a bare-chested 87-year-old Ricardo Montalban?

3. Fanboys are so picky about the whole "laws of physics" stuff.

2. The premiere is attended by Joel Hodgson and three robot puppets.

and the Number 1 Signs Your Sci-Fi Blockbuster Is Going to Bomb...

Your PR team is looking sharp in their new red Starfleet uniforms.


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## Becca (Sep 14, 2007)

AND THEN....

Top 16 rejected McDonald's slogans..

16 - Tastes Just Like Real Food! 

15 - We Love to See You Waddle 

14 - Screw Jenny Craig 

13 - We Are Legally Obliged to Tell You That Grimace Is a Convicted Sex Offender 

12 - America, Your Weight Is Over! 

11 - Same Crap, Same Prices -- Just Keep Buyin' It, Tubby 

10 - Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, Britney's an Insatiable Screaming Nymphomaniac Who Barks Uncontrollably When She Gets It Doggy Style 

9 - Open Wide, You Lemmings 

8 - Wipe Your Chins, McLardbutt 

7 - Go Ahead and Sue Us, Tubby -- Your Bad Eating Habits Put Seven of Ray Kroc's 19 Grandkids Through Law School at Harvard 

6 - Spill a Coffee and WIN! 

5 - Relax, PETA -- That Ain't Really Chicken 

4 - Super-Sizing Americans Since 1954 

3 - You Don't Want to Waste Away Like That Subway Guy, Do You? 

2 - You Deserve a Wake Today 

and the Number 1 Rejected McDonald's Slogan... 

I'm Shovelin' It


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

I like limericks.....

There once was a lady named Lou
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Reverened is quicker
And slicker and thicker
And has two more inches than you" !

Charles


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

Here's another...

A lively young damsel named Mingis
Inquired: "Do you know what this thing is?" 
Her aunt, with a gasp, 
Replied: "It's a wasp, 
And you're holding the end where the sting is."

Charles


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

As I said, I like limericks...

There once was a lady named Clare
Who was making love on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke
And they both went off in mid-air !

Charles


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## ToughOmbre (Sep 14, 2007)

Here's one for you Charles...

A sexy young maiden named Jill
tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil

TO


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

That's good, TO. Here's one for you...

There once was a lady named Clare
Who was making love on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke
And they both went off in mid-air !

Charles


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## Gnomey (Sep 14, 2007)




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## ToughOmbre (Sep 14, 2007)

For the old Navy man Charles...

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "****! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!
"You're in the wrong place!
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"

(didn't mean to say "old")

TO


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

Good one, TO. Here's my absolute favorite....

On s'étonne ici que Caliste 
Ait pris l'habit de Moliniste 
Puisque cette jeune beauté 
Ote à chacun sa liberté 
N'est-ce pas une Janseniste

Charles


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## ToughOmbre (Sep 14, 2007)

Foreign language was my only weakness in school. Failed three of 'em at RU.

TO


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

For you, TO..... translation:

What a surprise that Caliste 
Should dress up as a Molinist, 
For her beauty still 
Takes away our free will: 
Doesn't that make her a Jansenist? 

You went to Rutgers?

Charles


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## ToughOmbre (Sep 14, 2007)

ccheese said:


> For you, TO..... translation:
> 
> What a surprise that Caliste
> Should dress up as a Molinist,
> ...



Thanks, now I get it. Yea, Rutgers class of 1971.

TO


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

TO: I'm impressed. Here's another (old navy)

The cabin boy’s name was “Clipper”
As a lad he was always so chipper
He surounded his ass
With broken glass
And circumsized the skipper

Charles


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## k9kiwi (Sep 14, 2007)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."










(You're going to love this.....)




















"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

That's good, K9kiwi !!

Charles


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## v2 (Sep 14, 2007)

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


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## Becca (Sep 14, 2007)

Good one, V2 and OUCH! @ Kiwi. 

Charles, 

There was a couple named Kelly,
they walked around belly to belly, 
the reason was they used Super Glue, 
instead of petroleum jelly.


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

Just for you, TO....

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber eating a snack cake,
while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to 
her, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your
Twinkie”. She says, “Yea, and I’m gonna get boobs, 
too”.

Charles


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

Does your cereal taste different ?

Charles


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## ccheese (Sep 14, 2007)

Les'Bride said:


> Charles,
> 
> There was a couple named Kelly,
> they walked around belly to belly,
> ...



My dear madam: A limerick is always composed of five lines.
Lines one, two and five must rhyme
Lines three and four rhyme, also.

Thus:

The lim'rick packs laughs anatomical 
Into space that is quite economical, 
But the good ones I've seen 
So seldom are clean, 
And the clean ones, so seldom, are comical. 

And, if I may re-write yours....

There was a young couple named Kelly,
who walked around belly to belly, 
the reason, sad but true
was they used Super Glue, 
instead of petroleum jelly.

I write these things all the time...

Charles


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## Becca (Sep 14, 2007)

Charles, 

That was one my dad used to say when I was a kid..

how 'bout...the reason was;
they used Super Glue,
instead of petroleum jelly..?

I'm better at being punny.


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## v2 (Sep 15, 2007)

During world war two, two german spy's managed to get to England unnoticed.
After a day or two they decide to enter a pub and try to socialize.

germans: "Hi there, we'll have two martini's please"
bartender: "dry?"
germans:"NEIN ZWEI!!"


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## ccheese (Sep 15, 2007)

Good one V2....

A powerful earthquake with the strength reading of 8.1 on 
the Richter scale hits Mexico...

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are 
injured.

The country is totally in ruins and the government doesn't 
know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest 
of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control 
the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two 
million Mexicans to replace those who died !!!

God bless America !!

Charles


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## Wurger (Sep 15, 2007)

Good one Charles.


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## twoeagles (Sep 17, 2007)

An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have 
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was
in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun.”

"As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised
his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and
went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell
over dead. 

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. 

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver." 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".


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## Becca (Sep 17, 2007)

ROFLMAO!! Niiice one Twoeagles.


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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2007)

Twoeagles

A husband was a fanatic of hunting and every Saturday's early morning leaved home for his hobby.His wife stayed in a bed sleeping.In that day the weather conditions were very poor.Dark,misty and rainy morning was not anything encouraging.Standing in front of a block of flats where he lived ,the enthusiast decided to come back home.Very quietly opened his flat door and put away a gun.Then, he undressed and softly went to bed next to his wife who was upturned with her back on him.
It's you? - asked suddenly the wife.
yhm.... - answered the guy.
Cold? - the next wife's question.
yhm....
Wet? -
yhm....

Look,and this idiot has gone for hunting - said the wife.


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## ccheese (Sep 19, 2007)

Good One, Wurger...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time
to go walking with your partner.

The room got very quiet. Finally a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher,

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”


Charles


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## v2 (Sep 20, 2007)

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
"Oh well...That's me before the operation........"


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## Becca (Sep 21, 2007)

Top 16 signs that your wedding day isn't going SO well..



16 - Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party. 

15 - During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose. 

14 - Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone? 

13 - The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat. 

12 - Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave. 

11 - The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye. 

10 - Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a more contemporary "flash-mob reception." 

9 - Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions. 

8 - As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator. 

7 - Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding. 

6 - Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "Beastiality Illustrated." 

5 - You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancée approaches it. 

4 - Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride. 

3 - "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!" 

2 - One hour before the big "I do," you realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed. 

and the Number 1 Sign Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well... 

You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.


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## ccheese (Sep 22, 2007)

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and 
the aroma of perfumed candles filled the room. "What are you doing?"
she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. 

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. 
"Love dress? But ... you're naked!" 
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,
lit her best candles and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. 
"Your love dress needs ironing," he said. 
"What's for dinner? 

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.........

Charles


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## k9kiwi (Sep 23, 2007)

. .


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2007)




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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2007)

One man had got a date with a beautiful woman.After that she let him to invite herself to his home.Standing at the flat door a man took out keys from a pocket.
" Now we will see what a kind of a lover you are " said the woman.
And then,
" I always recoginize this with the way how the key is pushed into a keyhole.When it is direct and fast it means a man is a brutal person but when it is a clumcy moving it means there is a slouch."
Having a key in his hand a man was standing with no moving.
"So?" asked a woman.
" I don't know what I have to do" whispered the guy, 
" I always lick a keyhole firstly."


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## Becca (Sep 25, 2007)




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## trackend (Sep 25, 2007)

"Roseanne reckons I've only got a 3 inch dick. 
Well even a 747 looks small when it's flying in the Grand Canyon". 

_Tom Arnold after his divorce from Roseanne Barr_


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## Wurger (Sep 27, 2007)

Trackend

The "Yerevan" radio broadcast said -
" At the Russian-Chinese borderline a small incident has occured.The Chinese recon patrol has opened fire to a Russian tractor ploughing the field.The tractor crew has responded with the laser fire and air missiles then flew away with the tractor to the base."


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## v2 (Sep 28, 2007)




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## Wurger (Sep 28, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Sep 29, 2007)

So, it's this little lads birthday and his dad ask's him what he would like.
Well, I'd really like a tractor if you can find one, says the lad.
Comes the day and he gets his tractor, he plays with it all the time, really loves it.
Along comes the next birthday, and the next and the next until he's 21, every year the same, he wants a tractor By this time he's six foot six and weighs 450 pounds.
As he's about to become 21 his dad asks again what he would like, another tractor?
Well actually dad I'm getting sick of tractors, I'd like some CD's, DVD's or some book tokens.
Taken aback his dad says, OK, lets go to town and you can pick what you like.
As they walk down the street they see a commotion and as they get closer they see a house on fire and people are stuck upstairs.
The lad, seeing all the smoke, rushes to the house, opens his mouth and takes a big breath in.
This draws all the smoke and fumes out the house allowing the firemen to get in and rescue the family.
The fire chief come over to him and say's well done, but how did you do that? Oh that's easy, says the lad,

I'm a big extractor fan!


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## Wurger (Oct 1, 2007)

K9Kiwi 

What is a difference between a fridge and a woman?
If you put something soft in a fridge you take something stiff out the one.
But what about a woman?

A woman shouldn't be connected to a plug.

What did you think about?


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## v2 (Oct 1, 2007)




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## v2 (Oct 6, 2007)

...


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## Wurger (Oct 6, 2007)




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## v2 (Oct 7, 2007)

A Scottish soldier in full ceremonial No.1 dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

How much to repair it ?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist. 

"How much for a new one ?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says, "We'll have a new one."


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## k9kiwi (Oct 7, 2007)

A USMC squad was on patrol north of Fallujah when they came upon a badly injured insurgent. On the other side of the road was a badly injured Marine, who was conscious enough to tell the tale of the days events. 

He stated, "I was scouting the road when I saw this armed insurgent coming south on the road. We both saw each other about the same time, and took cover in the ditches opposite of each other. 

At that point, I yelled over to him and said "Saddam Hussein was an evil son of a bitch and got exactly what he deserved!" 

The insurgent yelled "Oh ya? Ted Kennedy is a worthless liberal left wing drunk who doesn't know how to drive!!" 

So I yelled back "Osama Bin Laden looks, dresses and acts like a mean spirited lesbian!" 

And he yells "So does Hillary Clinton!!" 

And there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands when this truck came along and clobbered us...


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## Aussie1001 (Oct 8, 2007)

good one kiwi


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## DOUGRD (Oct 8, 2007)

Aussie1001 said:


> good one kiwi



DITTO!!!!!!


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## Wurger (Oct 9, 2007)

.Kiwi ,ten points in my five-points scale of sense of humor.   


A woman went for shopping to a market.Looking for something interesting she noticed a guy who was selling something in jars.She approached to his stall and looked at a writing on a small card - "Mosquitos for sex - each one for 20$"
Excuse me - asked the woman -What for the mosquitos can be used?
For that what is written on the card - answered the guy.
Is it possible? - asked again the woman.
Certainly yes,I guarantee this.These mosquitos were training for two weeks and are ready for that.
So O.K. Can I have the one? - said customer and paid 20$.
Wait a minute - said the seller with a smile on his face - there is a warranty.If anything won't be right with the gnat call me,please.
The woman returned home.Then she undressed and took a shower.getting the bed she opened the jar with a mosquito.The insect jumped off and sat on a lamp at the ceiling.
Come on,come on - the woman encouraged the gnat. Unfortunately without any response of the mosquito.After 15 minutes the woman phoned the guy.
It is a dead loss - she shouted to a microphone.
Don't worry,I'm going.I'll be for ten minute - answered the guy.
Indeed,ten minutes later he rang the door-bell.
What is going on? - he asked.
What is going on - repeated the woman - NOTHING !!!! - she snapped.
O.K. get the bed,please - commanded the guy.And then he turned to the mosquito that still was sitting on the lamp.
Go ahead,go ahead- ordered but the gnat wasn't willing to move at all.
After ten minutes of encouragement he stopped this and doing up a belt at his trousers he said - Look, they got a two-weeks long training and I always have to finish it insted of them.


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## Konigstiger205 (Oct 9, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Oct 9, 2007)

Harley Davidson

Arthur (Harley) Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and 
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out 
with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty 
unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but 
aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major 
design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and
5. The maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the 
results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but 
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”


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## Wurger (Oct 9, 2007)




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## Njaco (Oct 9, 2007)

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille
lettering.


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## ccheese (Oct 9, 2007)

Njaco said:


> 1. Only in America.......



That's pretty good, Chris...... We park in the driveway and drive
on the parkway !!

Charles


----------



## Wurger (Oct 10, 2007)

Really good Chris.


----------



## SpitfireKing (Oct 10, 2007)

Good lord, I forgot how bad some of this humor is!


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 10, 2007)

Don't bitch, add some of yours.


----------



## Wurger (Oct 10, 2007)




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## Njaco (Oct 11, 2007)

some more bad humour....

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. 

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.


----------



## Becca (Oct 11, 2007)

_*Tis' but a wee giggle for you...*_

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. 

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya". 

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. 

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. 

They're called tees," replies Tiger. 

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. 

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. 

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. 

"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...


----------



## SpitfireKing (Oct 11, 2007)

Things that sound bad in golf, though aren't.
1. Damn it, lost another ball!
2. Hole in one!
3. 1 iron or 3 wood.
4. Finnaly got it in!

That's all I remember.


----------



## Graeme (Oct 11, 2007)

(my wife made me do it-ouch! stop it-stop twisting my arm..)


----------



## Njaco (Oct 11, 2007)

or these....


----------



## Brad Nichols (Oct 11, 2007)




----------



## SpitfireKing (Oct 12, 2007)

I have that tequila poster.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 12, 2007)

Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water? 

*
*
*
The 1st one was Christ. 

*
*
* 





The 2nd was the apostle Peter. 

*
* 
* 






Then there was this Mexican guy named Jose... 

*
*
*


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## Njaco (Oct 12, 2007)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Oct 12, 2007)




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## Wurger (Oct 13, 2007)

He was also faster then light.


----------



## v2 (Oct 14, 2007)

A man gets a call from his very (very..) blonde girlfriend.
"I've got a problem, sweetheart".
"What's the matter, honey?" asks the man.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?".
"It's of a big rooster".
"All right," says the man. "my dear. tonight, after work, as soon as I come home I will help you with the puzzle..."
At evening, he arrives home, greets his girlfriend and ask her about the puzzle. She leads him into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
He stares at the box, stares at the pieces on the table and turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Sweety, put the cornflakes back in the box...."


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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Oct 14, 2007)




----------



## Becca (Oct 16, 2007)

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around,

spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has

noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up

right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a

salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying

complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good

day, Madam. How may we help you today?"


Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have

been there at the time of her little 'accident',


She asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"


He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to

*hit yourself when I tell you the price."


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## Njaco (Oct 16, 2007)




----------



## Pisis (Oct 17, 2007)

I had to log in just to post this one


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## Njaco (Oct 17, 2007)

Brownie should have got his money back.


----------



## Wurger (Oct 17, 2007)

Ahoj Pisis,
What a great entrance.  
I always say the bodily effort isn't worthwhile.  

What's new about you friend?


----------



## DOUGRD (Oct 17, 2007)

Just another example of why they say "no sex for one hour after meals" Hmmm, either that or she was just Butt Ugly and he got a good look.


----------



## v2 (Oct 22, 2007)

Speed Trap 

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five elderly nuns were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. 
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" 

"Sister," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." 

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old nun said. 

The trooper, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the elderly nun grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 

"But before I let you go, Sister, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These other sisters with you seem awfully shaken." 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old nun said. "We just got off Route 119."


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## Wurger (Oct 22, 2007)




----------



## comiso90 (Oct 22, 2007)

http://www.airwarfare.com/Sims/IL2/images/wallpaper/me262shark.jpg


----------



## Njaco (Oct 22, 2007)

Cosimo that is F*****G Great!!


----------



## comiso90 (Oct 22, 2007)

thanks i wish i could take credit for it! ... I'll try it as a sig for a while


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 24, 2007)

. .


----------



## Wurger (Oct 24, 2007)




----------



## Aussie1001 (Oct 24, 2007)




----------



## Bf109_g (Oct 24, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 25, 2007)

Achmed - the dead terrorist.


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BV4OGqnuiQ_


----------



## v2 (Oct 25, 2007)

k9kiwi and Wurger


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 25, 2007)

[This one's for Les..]

You know you are having a bad day, when others will take advantage of your situation to screw you even more.


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 25, 2007)

Teaching Math 1950-2007 


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter 
girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents 
from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the Nickel 
and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed Her 
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but She 

hailed the manager for help . While he tried to explain the 
Transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? 

Answer: Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's 

1. Teaching Math In 1950 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 


2. Teaching Math In 1960 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 

3. Teaching Math In 1970 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 
is $80. Did he make a profit? 


4. Teaching Math In 1980 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 


5. Teaching Math In 1990 
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and 
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the 
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of 
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for Class 
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and 
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? 
(There are no wrong answers. ) 


6. Teaching Math In 2007 
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la 
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


----------



## comiso90 (Oct 25, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> [This one's for Les..]
> 
> You know you are having a bad day, when others will take advantage of your situation to screw you even more.




 

I hope the one in the trap is a chick mouse.


----------



## Bucksnort101 (Oct 25, 2007)

I'd bet the live mouse is a Liberal


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 25, 2007)

Bucksnort101 said:


> I'd bet the live mouse is a Liberal


----------



## Wurger (Oct 25, 2007)




----------



## Becca (Oct 29, 2007)

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800.00 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. 

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800.00 and leaves.. 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 

'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800.00 he owes me?' 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. 

Lesson 2: 

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. 

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest apologized 'Sorrys sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. 

On his a rrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 

Lesson 3: 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 

Puff! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' 

Puff! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. 

Lesson 4 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' 

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up 

Lesson 5 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

Moral of the story: 

1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy 

2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend 

3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


----------



## Matt308 (Oct 29, 2007)

> A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.....> 
> He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he> writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he> received a parcel with the following note:> > 

> > Dear Sir,>
> Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief willcover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his woodenleg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden> leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another> nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


----------



## k9kiwi (Oct 29, 2007)

. .


----------



## Wurger (Oct 29, 2007)




----------



## Cota1992 (Oct 31, 2007)

I hear Amazon's already sold out


----------



## v2 (Nov 2, 2007)




----------



## Becca (Nov 5, 2007)

Do You Fart in Bed?
A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of farting loudly first thing every morning as he woke up. The noise would shock his wife out of deep sleep and the odor would make her eyes water and cause her to gasp for air. 

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. 

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and all the spare parts—the gizzards, liver, and the neck—and a malicious thought came to her. 

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers down, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underwear and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. 

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. 

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you’ve been warning me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife. 

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.”

“But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”


----------



## DOUGRD (Nov 6, 2007)

THE ULTIMATE IN OUTSOURCING..........A guy in New Jersey is feeling very depressed so he calls his local suicide hot line. When the person answers he sounds very "Pakistani" but the depressed guy from Jersey goes ahead and tells his story about feeling so depressed that he has thoughts about committing suicide. There is a silence on the line for a moment and then in a whisper the hot line worker says "Do you have a pilots license?"


----------



## Wurger (Nov 7, 2007)

He could have called the Achmed's suicide hotline


----------



## Njaco (Nov 7, 2007)

He actually asked me if I had a jet pilot's license!  

how about this:


----------



## Wurger (Nov 7, 2007)




----------



## Matt308 (Nov 7, 2007)

Hell hath no fury like...


----------



## DOUGRD (Nov 7, 2007)

Njaco said:


> He actually asked me if I had a jet pilot's license!
> QUOTE]


----------



## v2 (Nov 13, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Nov 14, 2007)




----------



## Graeme (Nov 15, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Nov 15, 2007)

What's going on in the car forums?

Bentley Forums 
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it? 

Camaro/Firebird Forums 
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back. 

Mustang (Chevelle) forums 
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me. 

Monte Carlo forums 
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo. 

Civic forums 
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me. 

VW Bug forum 
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics) 

Yugo Forum 
- - - When's the last time yours ran? 

Lamborghini forum 
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH 

Miata forums 
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics) 

Chevy Tahoe forum 
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics) 

Pontiac Fiero forum 
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics) 

BMW 7-series forum 
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex? 

Cadillac forum 
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo. 

Chevy Suburban Forum 
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon? 

Buick Forum 
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me? 

Delorean forum 
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985. 

Crown Victoria forum 
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway? 

Honda Accord forum 
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims. 

Toyota Echo forum 
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's? 

Ferrari forums 
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast. 

Porsche forums 
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself? 

Saturn forums 
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace. 

Jaguar forum 
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on? 

Mercedes forum 
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board? 

Mini forum 
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics) 

Dodge Viper forum 
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather? 

McLaren F1 forum 
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me. 

Dodge Minivan forum 
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be? 

Hummer forum 
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas. 

Fiat forum 
- - -Hello? Am I the only member? 

Subaru WRX forum 
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot. 

Chevy pickup forum 
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck? 

SRT Forums 
"Will this void my warranty" 

RX7 Forums 
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me. 

DSM Forums 
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me 

Supra Forums 
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa. 

Vette Forums 
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel? 

Ford 2.3 forums 
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!


----------



## Aussie1001 (Nov 18, 2007)




----------



## lastwarrior (Nov 19, 2007)

hahaha


----------



## Njaco (Nov 19, 2007)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. 
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."


----------



## Lucky13 (Nov 19, 2007)




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## Wurger (Nov 19, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2007)




----------



## Aussie1001 (Nov 19, 2007)




----------



## lastwarrior (Nov 20, 2007)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 22, 2007)

Some favorite NASCAR quotes: 

"Driving a Nascar is like dancing with a chainsaw". 
"There is only one lap you want to lead, and that is the last one"
"Why did I take up racing? I was too lazy to work and too chicken to steal"
"There's no bigger surprise than to be tooling along at 200 MPH and suddenly get hit from the rear"


----------



## Bf109_g (Nov 22, 2007)




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## Wurger (Nov 23, 2007)




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## Matt308 (Nov 24, 2007)

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono, lead singer of the
rock band U2 asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 24, 2007)

Man can I relate...


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 24, 2007)

Hillary's Limo Driver Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road oneevening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The drivertried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck andkilled. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to theowners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls tolobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with hisclothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensivewine inone hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smilinghappily,smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied,"thefarmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and theirbeautifultwin daughters made passionate love to me!" "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'mHillaryClinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happenedso fast I couldn't stop it. "


----------



## mkloby (Nov 24, 2007)

Loved those videos - the hillary joke was cute.


----------



## Pisis (Nov 27, 2007)

Two Jewish moms go to a Rabbinical court to judge their problem.
- "She's a thief! She lent my pot and didn't give it back to me yet"
- "She's a liar! First, I didn't lend any pot from her, second I already gave it back to her and third, it was useless because it had a hole!"


----------



## Njaco (Nov 27, 2007)

*Marriage (Part I)*

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!" 

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

*********************************** ******

*Marriage (Part II)* 

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. 

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" 

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

***************************************** 

*Marriage (Part III)*

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" 

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

*Marriage (Part IV)*

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. 

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions. 

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him –

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. 

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, and he didn't see her.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


*****************************************
*
THE SILENT TREATMENT*

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife 
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he 
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


----------



## Cota1992 (Nov 28, 2007)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2-pound can of coffee,
And a 1-pound package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."


----------



## Aggie08 (Nov 28, 2007)

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gag, cough


----------



## Njaco (Nov 28, 2007)

quick, short, to the point!


----------



## Matt308 (Nov 28, 2007)

I liked the drunk supermarket joke. That was funny. I have an uncle whose like that.


----------



## v2 (Dec 2, 2007)

HOW TO PROPERLY PRONOUNCE "OKLAHOMA"

The proper way is...

"Okla... homa"

There is a pause between the 'a' and the 'h'.

There! You learned something today!


----------



## Njaco (Dec 2, 2007)

Good enough to be in the Breaking News thread!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 2, 2007)

A U. S. M. C. sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent! 

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?" 

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go." 

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' .........I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"


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## Wurger (Dec 4, 2007)




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## Pisis (Dec 4, 2007)

A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are travelling in a train coupé together.

After some time, the preist asks the rabbi:
"Sorry that I'm so curious but is it true that people of your faith mustn't eat pork?"
"Yes, father, that is true." replies the rabbi.
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tasted it?"
"Uhmmm, well... Yes, once I tried a small piece of bacon."
"And did you like it?"
"Well, I have to admit that I did like the taste..."

Then some time flows and now the rabbi asks:
"I'm sorry father, but I'm just wondering... Is it true that you are prohibited to touch a woman?"
"Oh yes, that is true."
"And tell me - as a colleague - have you ever tried?"
"To be honest with you, no!"
"Hmmm, pity," says the rabbi, "it is way much better then the pork!"


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## k9kiwi (Dec 4, 2007)

Santa was having a bad day.

All those letters to read, the Elves were on strike for more pay, Mrs Clause was in his face about using the sled today to do the shopping.

And to cap it all off the fairy walks in and asks where he wants her to put the Christmas Tree.


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## Wurger (Dec 4, 2007)




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## Njaco (Dec 6, 2007)

Matt and K9, good ones!


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## ccheese (Dec 6, 2007)

Matt308 said:


> I have an uncle whose like that.



Drunk or funny ??

Charles


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## Cota1992 (Dec 11, 2007)

Santa Claus is coming to town...


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## Aussie1001 (Dec 11, 2007)

i like it


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## Matt308 (Dec 11, 2007)

ccheese said:


> Drunk or funny ??
> 
> Charles



Both


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## Becca (Dec 12, 2007)

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Of course he needed a new trailer. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Dodge Ram 2500."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a trailer, and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife. I told him, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing....'"


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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2007)

The joke sounds in English identically like in Polish.Still funy. 

There the old one.


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## Becca (Dec 12, 2007)

*Top 12 signs that Santa is SICK of Christmas.*

12 - Now relies on a quick Google image search to see if you've been naughty.

11 - Good, bad or on the fence -- *everyone* gets an AOL CD in their stocking this year.

10 - But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Yadda, yadda, yadda...."

9 - Sticker on sleigh: "How's my flying? Call 800-EAT-SUGARPLUMS"

8 - Former "Naughty/Nice" databases merged into a single "Whatever" database.

7 - Turns Ms. Claus out to work the corner next to the Salvation Army bell ringers.

6 - At midnight on Christmas Eve, gift certificates to Amazon.com magically appear in the e-mail in-boxes of good girls and boys.

5 - New policy this year: Only strippers allowed on his lap.

4 - Hey, kid -- them brown lumps in your stocking ain't coal!

3 - On his personal Christmas list: A George Foreman Grill and "The Ultimate Reindeer Cookbook."

2 - He's assigned numbers to all the countries on Earth and is doing the odd ones this year and the even ones next year.

and the Number 1 Sign Santa is Sick of Christmas...

This year's #1 stocking stuffers: Elf heads and Rudolph jerky


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## v2 (Dec 12, 2007)

Dear Madam:

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys website, 

You've requested the extra large red vibrator as featured on our wall display. 

Please select another item...... that's our fire extinguisher...


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## Becca (Dec 12, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Dec 13, 2007)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2007)




----------



## Njaco (Dec 13, 2007)




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## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2007)

True story:

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, ****in stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'


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## Becca (Dec 14, 2007)

THAT was funny...OK...here ya GO!

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, said, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm In her 30's
to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,
they're like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and said, "Well, dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
50's, it's like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."


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## Wurger (Dec 14, 2007)




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## Wurger (Dec 16, 2007)

He,he....


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## Becca (Dec 16, 2007)

Wurger! I dig your holiday signature!! Nice!


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## Wurger (Dec 16, 2007)

THX very much.


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## Aussie1001 (Dec 16, 2007)

good joke !


----------



## davparlr (Dec 16, 2007)

I think this is an Al Sharpton "your mama" joke.

"Your mama is so fat, she went to the doctor the other day with a sore that just kept growing. After extensive testing, he told her that she had flesh eating bacteria and gave her 87 years to live."


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## magnocain (Dec 16, 2007)

..
a little compicated for a _yo mama_ joke, but still funny


----------



## k9kiwi (Dec 17, 2007)

Everyone knows that Bono and his band U2 jump on all sorts of crusades and try to make us feel rotten for existing a lot of the time.

Recently at a concert in Glasgow Scotland Bono stopped playing 1/2 way through a song and started slowly clapping.

After a couple of minutes of this slow clapping he stated "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies of starvation."

A Glaswegian voice floated up from the front row.

"Well stop fookin clapping you evil bustard."


----------



## Bucksnort101 (Dec 17, 2007)

Yep, heard that Al Sharpton joke on Rush's show last week while driving down the road. I laughed so hard I almost had to pull over.

Another Classic Al Sharpton "You're Mama's so fat joke"

Your Mamas so fat that when she gets on the elevator, it HAS to do down.


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2007)

k9kiwi said:


> Everyone knows that Bono and his band U2 jump on all sorts of crusades and try to make us feel rotten for existing a lot of the time.
> 
> Recently at a concert in Glasgow Scotland Bono stopped playing 1/2 way through a song and started slowly clapping.
> 
> ...



Already posted, bottom of the previous page  Doesn't mean it isn't funny though


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## magnocain (Dec 17, 2007)

yo mama so fat, Jabba da Hut said DANG


----------



## davparlr (Dec 18, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Dec 18, 2007)

IT SUPPORT

Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail What can I do?

Signed, Desperate



Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support


----------



## Becca (Dec 18, 2007)




----------



## Wurger (Dec 18, 2007)

V2


----------



## Becca (Dec 19, 2007)

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! “

I was equally outraged. “Hey , how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . M!#%^%$#. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just . just . . . excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just .that . . I’m picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . “She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!!!!!


----------



## Wurger (Dec 19, 2007)




----------



## v2 (Dec 19, 2007)

Classic Affairs:


The 1st Affair: 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. 
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, hey fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" 


The 2nd Affair: 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" 
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!" 


The 3rd Affair: 

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!" 


The 4th Affair: 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don ' t move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." 
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. 
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 
"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing." 


The 5th Affair: 

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." 
"One Cent?" the man thought. 
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" 
"A nickel," the barman replied. 
"A nickel?" exclaimed d the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" 
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." 
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" 
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


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## Wurger (Dec 19, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Dec 20, 2007)

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. 

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"


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## Screaming Eagle (Dec 20, 2007)




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## DOUGRD (Dec 22, 2007)

What is the difference between a Scot shepherd and a rolling stone? A rolling stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud" and a Scot shepherd says"Hey McCloud get off of my ewe!"


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## v2 (Dec 23, 2007)

...


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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2007)




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## Heinz (Dec 24, 2007)

!!!


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## Aussie1001 (Dec 25, 2007)

Good one


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## Konigstiger205 (Dec 25, 2007)




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## k9kiwi (Dec 25, 2007)

Dave was bragging to his boss one day “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” 

Tired of his constant boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?” 

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” 

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in, have a beer!” 



Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. 

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. 

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “OK how about President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts. 

“Yup,” Dave says, “George and I are old buddies, let's fly out to Washington”. 

And off they go to Washington. 

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up”. 

Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. 

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. 

“The Pope” his boss replies. 

“Sure!” says Dave. “I've known the Pope for years.” 

So off they fly to Rome. 

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says “This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope”. 

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. 

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. 

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him “What happened?” 

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man standing next to me said...... “Who the fk's that on the balcony with Dave?”


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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2007)

Nice one k9kiwi...


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## wilbur1 (Dec 26, 2007)

good one


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## Lucky13 (Dec 26, 2007)




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## wilbur1 (Dec 26, 2007)

Very good lucky


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## Wurger (Dec 26, 2007)




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## v2 (Dec 28, 2007)

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."


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## Wurger (Dec 29, 2007)




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## Heinz (Dec 29, 2007)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2007)

Good stuff guys..


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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2007)




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## Matt308 (Dec 29, 2007)

Jeez...


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## Lucky13 (Dec 29, 2007)

An open or closed coffin again I take it?


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## Pisis (Dec 30, 2007)

Four guys are standing on a street corner: an American, a Russian, a Chinese, and an Israeli... A news reporter comes up to the group and says to them:

"Excuse me...What's your opinion on the meat shortage?"

The American says: What's a shortage?

The Russian says: What's meat?

The Chinese man says: What's an opinion?

The Israeli says: What's "Excuse me"?...


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## v2 (Jan 1, 2008)

...


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## Heinz (Jan 3, 2008)

LMAO!


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## Aussie1001 (Jan 3, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 4, 2008)

Wonder if Flyboyj has got one?


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## Aussie1001 (Jan 4, 2008)




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## Wurger (Jan 5, 2008)




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## comiso90 (Jan 8, 2008)

.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 9, 2008)

Nice!..Comiso90...."Recoil!"


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## wilbur1 (Jan 9, 2008)




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## Becca (Jan 9, 2008)

those are GREAT Comiso..THANKS!


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## kitin (Jan 9, 2008)

that was really crazy...hahaha...you are great making love with someone that isn't your wife...wahahahaha...)


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## wilbur1 (Jan 10, 2008)

Wtf ? what the heck is that supposed to mean?


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## A4K (Jan 10, 2008)

Like the 'smoker' and the 'recoil' Comiso!

A wee joke for ya's:

There's a girl who right from birth is about as ugly as you can get. Throughout her whole young life she tries in vain to get a man interested in her, but to no avail. 
After many frustrating years she decides to go to a psychiatrist to see if there's something deeply wrong with her.
The Psyche listens to her tale quietly and patiently, and when she's finished, just says to her "Well, from what I can see, there's nothing psychologically wrong with you, the truth is simply that you are SO ugly,that you will never find a man as long as you live". "...However," she adds "..Have you ever heard of reincarnation? I believe that though you may be miserable in this life, in the next you may be so beautiful that men will be tripping over themselves to get to you".
She goes home and thinks about it, and decides she dosen't want to wait a whole lifetime to get a man - she decides to commit suicide. So she finds the highest bridge in town, the one overlooking the motorway, and throws herself off it. 
She passes out during the fall, and lands by chance in a passing truck full of bananas.
When she finally comes to, she feels around her and her, and says "Oh, gentlemen! One at a time, please!"


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## wilbur1 (Jan 10, 2008)

Good one


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## A4K (Jan 11, 2008)

I stole it from the hungarians, I must confess..


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## A4K (Jan 11, 2008)

One of the old man's:

There's a whole bunch of tourists standing on top of the Empire state building admiring the view, and just a little way off a couple of Americans are watching them. One of them pipes up and says to them "Hey, did ya's all know that if you were to jump off here, the wind currents are so strong, that you'd fall about 3 or 4 floors before the sheer wind pressure would pick you up, and bring you right back to the spot you jumped from ?"
Everyone looks at him and says "yeah, right mate! Pull the other one!" 
"No? You don't believe me?" he says " well watch this then."
To their horror he gets up on the parapet amd jumps off.
Everyone watches as he plummets about 3 or 4 floors, and then...he starts soaring outwards and upwards until he lands on the exact spot he took off from.
Everyone is just stunned, and, human curiosity being what it is, have to try it for themselves. They all get up, jump off, fall...fall...fall...till they all hit the deck simultaneously 102 stories down.
The other American, who'd remained quiet up to this point, just turns to his mate and says "You know, Superman, sometimes you're a real b*****d!"


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## Konigstiger205 (Jan 11, 2008)

Great one A4K


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## wilbur1 (Jan 11, 2008)

That was fuc**n funny as hell good job a4k.


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## Wurger (Jan 11, 2008)




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## A4K (Jan 11, 2008)

Have a good weekend guys - I'm outta here


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## v2 (Jan 11, 2008)

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. 
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


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## Wayne Little (Jan 12, 2008)

Nice one V2..


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## v2 (Jan 12, 2008)

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"


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## Wayne Little (Jan 13, 2008)




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## Aussie1001 (Jan 13, 2008)

now thats not very nice.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 14, 2008)

Yeah... but it's still funny!


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## Wurger (Jan 14, 2008)




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## A4K (Jan 14, 2008)




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## Henk (Jan 14, 2008)

I heard the one where Superman was sitting in the bar....


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## AVRoe (Jan 14, 2008)

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her question about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her
new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about
her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why
she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go man go."


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## v2 (Jan 14, 2008)

A guy has just settle down to read his Sunday paper and enjoy a cup of tea when 'BANG!' his missus whacks him over the head with a frying pan!

"What the hell was that for?" he asks rubbing his aching nut.

"For this bit of paper here I found in your trouser pocket with 'Don't forget: Saturday, 4:30, Lovely Marie.' written on it!" she says, seething.

"Oh darling," he says, "Lovely Marie is a horse I backed last weekend - I got a tip on Tuesday and wrote that down so I wouldn't forget! It ran at 4:30 on the Saturday."

His wife is mortified at what she has done and apologises. For the rest of the week she can't do enough for him.

Next Sunday he is again settling to read his paper after a long stroll, when "BANG!" his wife whacks him over the head with the soup pot.

"What the hell was THAT for?" he yells.

She stood there glaring down at him.

"Your horse phoned!"


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## Wurger (Jan 14, 2008)




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## A4K (Jan 15, 2008)




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## A4K (Jan 15, 2008)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are working together for an American company building skyscrapers. Being the only foreigners, they end up as good mates, and spend their lunchtimes together out on the ledge.
One day they're having a yarn, when the Englishman opens his lunchbox. "I don't believe this.." he says," Do you guys know that I've been 30 years in this job, and everyday - every SINGLE day - the wife gives me bacon sandwiches. I'm sick to death of them! If I get bacon bloody sandwiches just one more time, I swear I'll throw myself off the bloody building!!"
The Scotsman opens his lunchbox, and says "Ay! Ah know what ya mean! I've only got bloody ham sandwiches again, harven't Ah ? Ah tell ya, if Ah get them again tomorra, I'll thrrow meself off too!"
The Irishman opens his lunchbox, and says, "Well Oi've got bloody tomato sandwiches again! Oi'm with you lads, if Oi get these feckers again tomorrow, I'm off of here with ya's!"
The next day, the lunch whistle goes, and they make their way to the ledge.
The Englishman opens his lunchbox, and closes it again in . "Bacon bloody sandwiches.." is all he says, and steps off the ledge. The Scotsman opens his, turns miserably to the Irishman, says "Bloody hahm sandwiches..." and does likewise. The Irishman slowly opens his lunchbox - tomato sandwiches. He too steps off the ledge.
The story gets around about what happened, and a week later the 3 widows are crying amongst themselves. The Englishman's wife says "If only he'd told me he didn't like bacon sandwiches, I'd never have made them for him!". The Scotsman's wife says, "Ay, and if Jock hada said he did'nae like ham sandwiches, there's no way Ah'd a given them to him!"
The Irishman's wife looks in a state of deep shock, and so they ask her kindly if she's alright. "I..I don't understand it.." she says " Paddy's been making his own lunch for years now..!"


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## Wayne Little (Jan 15, 2008)

yeah.... new it was coming..


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## Wurger (Jan 15, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 16, 2008)

Thought this was ok so I snapped a shot...


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## A4K (Jan 16, 2008)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 16, 2008)

*what men would do if they had a v*gina for a day *
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot. 

*what women would do if they had a p*nis for a day* 
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......


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## Lucky13 (Jan 16, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Jan 16, 2008)

That was great lucky  chick on the bike wow


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## v2 (Jan 16, 2008)

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

"Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed
services...the United States Marines...you know one of their nicknames
is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really
tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to
settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years)
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Air
Force."


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## A4K (Jan 17, 2008)

Nice one V2!


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## Konigstiger205 (Jan 17, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 17, 2008)

Great stuff Lucky and V2..


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## Matt308 (Jan 18, 2008)

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States ,
Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Eliza beth. During that meeting he
asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?" 


"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent 
ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?", asked Bill. 

You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button
and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the
Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. 

Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your
brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen.. "You may go now." 

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back
on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a
riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a 
child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was
that child ?"

Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
answer. Can I deliberate on this for 
awhile?"

"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer.." 

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and
asked them the riddle. But after much 
discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.
She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the 
former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her 
most
formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama. 

So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents
had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who 
was the child?"

"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me." 

"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination 
for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !"
So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your 
riddle. The child was Barack Obama.!"

"No, you Dumb BITCH!" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair" 

The bottom line... guess where we're headed with the two of them again
running the Country!


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## Njaco (Jan 19, 2008)

maybe this...


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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2008)

Oh no.Another Tltd here. Ah,ah.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 19, 2008)




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## Udet (Jan 20, 2008)

Some very good jokes here!!! I am not sure if this one has already been posted, but anyways, just in case it has not...


A very worried man made an appointmet with the doctor. The patient told the doctor what his concerns were:

(P): Doctor, i seem to have a problem...
(D): What is it?
(P): My penis Doctor...
(D): What about it?
(P): Hmmm...you ought to see this...
(D): Ok, let´s see what we can see...please drop your pants and lie on the bed..

The patient dropped his pants and was now lying on the examination bed.

(D): -Eyes wide open- An orange coloured penis???
(P): Yes doctor...please tell me what could this possibly be!!! Is this some lethal disease??? I do not want to die!!!!

The doctor grabbed a book from his massive shelf and commenced searching...

(D): Hmmm...let´s see...purple penis...red penis...green penis...fuchsia penis...yellow...What on earth, i see nothing for orange penis!! What is it that you did?
(P): I dunno doctor...i´ve been drinking way too much these past weeks, so i could not recall things very well...
(D): Make an effort, try to remember...who were you with these days?
(P): Ok...about last night, yes...i a put a porno movie on my DVD player, grabbed a Six-Pack of beer and a bag of Cheetos...cannot remember anything else.


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## syscom3 (Jan 20, 2008)

The CO's morning briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Wing in the U. S. Air Force was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Group and Squadron Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The Wing Exec. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The General's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Airman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young Airman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the Airman, "If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."


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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2008)

Good stuff Guys..


----------



## wilbur1 (Jan 21, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 21, 2008)




----------



## Udet (Jan 24, 2008)

A woman and her husband were in bed at night.

They were seeing an action movie; then an overtly sexual scene commenced.

The husband, without taking his eyes off the screen, put his hand on his wife´s thigh...then he moved his hand and touched her breasts...he then moved his hand down and touched her hips, then a bit further down grazing his fingers over her pubis...

bewildered, the woman grew excited and hot, it has been a good while since her boring husband attempted anything sexual...the man continued touching all over her body increasing her body temperature...suddenly he turned to her and yelled: "where is the goddamned remote control?????"


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## Wayne Little (Jan 25, 2008)

Oh sh*t, I can just imagine that..  Good one Udet


----------



## wilbur1 (Jan 25, 2008)

Good one


----------



## Wurger (Jan 25, 2008)

Holly crap.


----------



## Konigstiger205 (Jan 25, 2008)

Good one Udet


----------



## Udet (Jan 25, 2008)

Wayne, Wilbur, Wurger, Konigstiger..i tip my hat to you, thank you. 

Another one:

A man and woman -both in their late 20s; the woman a virgin- were planning to get married. But before doing that, she said to him there was something very important she had to confess: due to some rare disease her breasts had stopped growing, so she had the breasts of a 11 year old girl.

To this his response was: "My love...do you think i care about such meaningless thing. The love i feel for you is so strong...all i care about is the endless spiritual bond i have with you..."

But now that they were into the confessing thing, he too had something to confess to her; "What is it my love", she said.

The man responded: "My penis is the size of a newborn...like..a baby. I hope this doesn´t trouble you...".

She said, with a warm tender smile on her face: "Ohhh my love!! Do you think i care about such meaningless thing??? We have this universal boundless love here and that is all i care about".

So, the guys got married, and went upon their honeymoon. The very first night, right after entering their hotel room, a heated physical engagement commenced: kissing, touching, squeezing, biting, swallowing, moaning, tongues out like snakes, clothes ripped off, buttons flying all over the place...then the man took his trousers off...the woman saw it...and with her eyes wide open howled in terror and yelled: "You lied to me!!! You told me your penis was the size of a newborn´s!!!" and fled the room at high speed.

And the man yelled: "My love???!!!! I had told you this!!! My penis is the size of a newborn: "it weights 8 pounds and its 20 inches long!!!".


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## Wurger (Jan 25, 2008)

I know the joke but here in Poland it is about a man who is visiting a doc.But it is very funny.It is one of my favourite ones.


----------



## Negative Creep (Jan 25, 2008)




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## Udet (Jan 25, 2008)

Wurger, another one:

At Sheremetyevo, during the Cold War, a British spy was being tailed by the KGB and was trying to avoid capture.

Suddenly he came along a nun and asked her to let him hide inside her habit, which she agreed.

Then a squad of KGB agents came along and asked the nun if she had seen a man -the British spy- describing the physical appearance of the individual they were after. She of course replied "Nyet".

When the KGB squad left the area, the British spy re-emerged from his hideout.

He said: "thanks...by the way...did you know you have very sexy legs?"

Nun: "No, i did not Son."

British Spy: "Did you feel when i kissed your lower legs?"

N: "Yes, Son."

BS:"And did you feel when i kissed your knees?"

N: "Yes, Son."

BS: "Did you feel when i kissed your thighs?".

N: "Yes, Son."

BS: "What would have happened if i had continued kissing upwards?"

N: "You would have kissed my balls...i am a Spy myself you know?".


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## Wurger (Jan 25, 2008)

Stop making me laughing.With tears on my eyes I can't read your jokes.

  

OK. Do you know like a tram looks inside.It usually has two rows of sits there.One on right side and the second on left one going along the tram.

A drunken man has got on a tram.Standing on the rear platform of it,he pointed at the left row and said : " All of you are the b****y ba****ds ".
Then he pointed to the right one and said " and all of you are thieves"

Hearing that, a man from the right row stood up and yelled " I have never stolen anything in my life yet, man."
"So"- said a the drunken man - "Take a sit on left"


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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2008)

keep 'em coming Guys!


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## Konigstiger205 (Jan 26, 2008)

Good one Udet...God I can't stop laughing...


----------



## Udet (Jan 26, 2008)

Wurger: LOL!!!   

Ok, here we have something rather different:

The Classification of the Human Feces -an holistic approach-. (I´d type "****", but knowing the word will be censored is that i instead will use the term Feces; more technical, ellegant perhaps).

1. "Cinnamon Stick" feces. The type that leaves its brownish mark on your white trousers.

2. "Dracula" feces. The type that leaves blood stains on the tissue.

3. "Ghost" feces. The type that makes you feel like taking a dump, but once seated on the toilet seat nothing comes out.

4. "Perfect" feces. You take a dump, and when you wipe your ass, the tissue is bright white, ready to wipe your nose.

5. "Wet" feces. -also referred to as the wet turd-; no matter what, you might wipe your ass 60 times, your anus still feels wet. You decide to put tissue between your anus and the trousers, and pretend everything´s cool.

6. "Encore" feces. You took a dump, wiped your ass, and when zipping your pants, you feel like taking another dump.

7. "Island" feces. The type that is so massive, so huge, the feces come above the toiler water line, forming a dry mass of land. This type will usually require two -or more- flushes.

8. "Explosive" feces. The type that is accompanied by remarkably loud expulsion of gases, frequently heard by all those in the house.

9. "Alcoholic" feces. The type that comes after a heavy drinking night. It features brush marks in the inner walls of the toilet. It is black, extremely stenchy stuff. The consistence is not very solid.

10. "Painful Delivery" feces. The type producing an excruciatingly painful delivery it makes you think the turd is not on a vertical direction.

11. "Splash" feces. The type that upon hitting the toilet water will splash your anus and buttocks.

12. "Spy" feces. The type that after flushing the toilet, goes away but returns to the toiler water.

13. "Stalactite" feces. The type that seems to come in a sole piece; no matter how much or how strong you might stretch your anus you can not cut it out.

14. "Surprise" feces. You feel like taking a dump, but for some reason believe you can do it later..but oh..surprise!

15. "Ritual" feces. The type that is mathematical. You take a dump exactly at the same hour every day, or you can not move ahead with your daily tasks if you do not take a dump at the exact hour.

16. "Now what?" feces. Right after delivery, you realize there is no tissue in the bathroom. Any newspaper, magazine found is of great help. In radical situations even socks and trousers are to be utilized.


----------



## ccheese (Jan 26, 2008)

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. 
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. 
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting
worse. 

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, 
and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. 
Much to her relief, it's the doctor. 
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. 

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem. 
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?" 

The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?" 

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


Charles


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## ccheese (Jan 26, 2008)

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her 
birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." 
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at 
school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. 

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God: 
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my 
birthday. I want a red one. 

Your friend, 
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so 
she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God: 
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I 
wouldlike a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, 
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a 
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked 
around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4: 
I GOT YOUR MAMA. 
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO


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## Wurger (Jan 26, 2008)

Charles and Udet


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## Screaming Eagle (Jan 26, 2008)

nice charles and udet  

ok heres my contribution:

A wife is going through her husnabds trousers just before she is about to wash them. Whilst she is going through them she finds a note with a womans name and phoen number on it. So she goes into the living room where her husband is watching TV and hits him on the head with a frying pan. He yells at her "What the hell is that for", she says "Who is this woman and why do you have her phone number?". The husband then replies "you silly woman, thats the horse I bet on and thats the number of the race". "Oh" she says, "sorry dear" and then goes back to her washing. The next week shes comes back into the living room with an even bigger frying pan which knocks him out. Whn he comes to he says to her "what the hell was that for?", to which she replies, " your ****ing horse called!"


----------



## Wurger (Jan 26, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 27, 2008)

Top Stuff Guys...


----------



## Matt308 (Jan 27, 2008)

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. 
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. 
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is 
your first request?' 

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' 

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, 
Who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on 
his back. 

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent 
and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have 
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. 
What is your second request?' 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to 
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the 
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again 
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the 
blonde. 

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following 
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of 
many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. 

'What is your last request?' 

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.' 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone 
Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks 
him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully, you dickhead, 
for the last time......... . BRING POSSE!!!!


----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 27, 2008)

The new Reverend was at his first mass, he was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 28, 2008)

Excellent Guys..


----------



## Heinz (Jan 29, 2008)

Screaming Eagle said:


> nice charles and udet
> 
> ok heres my contribution:
> 
> A wife is going through her husnabds trousers just before she is about to wash them. Whilst she is going through them she finds a note with a womans name and phoen number on it. So she goes into the living room where her husband is watching TV and hits him on the head with a frying pan. He yells at her "What the hell is that for", she says "Who is this woman and why do you have her phone number?". The husband then replies "you silly woman, thats the horse I bet on and thats the number of the race". "Oh" she says, "sorry dear" and then goes back to her washing. The next week shes comes back into the living room with an even bigger frying pan which knocks him out. Whn he comes to he says to her "what the hell was that for?", to which she replies, " your ****ing horse called!"



!

You get that one from Street Machine?


----------



## v2 (Jan 29, 2008)

"Hello?"

"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She is upstairs with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he is upstairs with Mommy, right now."

Brief pause.

"Uh okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the 
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that 
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it 
Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran 
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser 
and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my god!!! What about Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was scared and jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know 
that you took the water out last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the 
pool and I think he is dead."

****Long pause*****


****Longer pause****


*****Even longer pause*****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"


----------



## wilbur1 (Jan 29, 2008)

Freakin funny stuff guys great job


----------



## v2 (Jan 29, 2008)

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

**** no!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of Asians, a Poof, and anything Aboriginal."


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## Wurger (Jan 29, 2008)




----------



## Aussie1001 (Jan 29, 2008)

good if politically incorrect...


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 30, 2008)

Good one V2..


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## Wildcat (Jan 30, 2008)

LMAO!!


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## v2 (Jan 30, 2008)

There's a sadist, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist
sitting in a mental hospital chatting.

The sadist says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it!"

The zoophile says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it and then f..k it!"

Then the murderer says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it, f..k it and then murder it!"

Then the necrophiliac says
"If we had a cat, I'd torture it, f..k it, murder it and then f..k it
again!"

Then there is a silence and the masochist says:

"Miaow!"


----------



## Aussie1001 (Jan 30, 2008)




----------



## k9kiwi (Jan 30, 2008)

Dear Employees: 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals 
throughout the company have been using foul language during the 
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. 

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be 
easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. 
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to 
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. 

Therefore, lists of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have 
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can 
continue in an effective manner. 

Number 1 

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. 
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're 
doing 

Number 2 
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. 
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. 

Number 3 
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. 
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do 
this? 

Number 4 
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. 
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. 

Number 5 
TRY SAYING: Really? 
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! 

Number 6 
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... 
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. 

Number 7 
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. 
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. 

Number 8 
TRY SAYING: That's interesting. 
INSTEAD OF: What the f___? 

Number 9 
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. 
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. 

Number 10 
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. 
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? 

Number 11 
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. 
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. 

Number 12 
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? 
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. 

Number 13 
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? 
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. 

Number 14 
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. 
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. 

Number 15 
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. 
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. 

Number 16 
SAYING: I love a challenge. 
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks. 

Number 17 
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? 
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? 

Number 18 
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. 
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck. 

Thank You, 
Human Resources


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## Wayne Little (Jan 31, 2008)

Excellent...


----------



## Heinz (Jan 31, 2008)

nice


----------



## Konigstiger205 (Jan 31, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 31, 2008)




----------



## wilbur1 (Jan 31, 2008)




----------



## syscom3 (Feb 1, 2008)

Wit and Wisdom from Military Manuals:

"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."- Infantry Journal
----------------------------- ---------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------------------------- ---------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy" - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
----------------------------- ---------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps
----------------------------- ---------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
---------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me." - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt
----------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds" - Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
----------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
-----------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
----------------------------- -----------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." - Unknown
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
---------------------------- -------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------- "
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
----------------------------- -------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
----------------------------- ------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
----------------------------- -------------------------

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully."
------------------------------ -----------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
----------------------------- --------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
----------------------------- ---------------------
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
----------------------------- --------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
----------------------------- -------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
----------------------------- ----------------------------- 
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell
(Lockheed test pilot)


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## Wayne Little (Feb 2, 2008)

Nice Syscom3 Nice!


----------



## comiso90 (Feb 2, 2008)




----------



## Konigstiger205 (Feb 2, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 3, 2008)

Excellent!


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## Heinz (Feb 3, 2008)

Oh some of those are priceless.


----------



## Cota1992 (Feb 3, 2008)

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father .. 
during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide 
her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends.' 

The priest said, 'By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly 
sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.' 

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. ...But I do have one more 
question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

.....'Should I tell her the war is over?'


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## Heinz (Feb 3, 2008)




----------



## Lucky13 (Feb 4, 2008)

GREAT stuff Comiso!

"I haven't Shenaniganed in about six years . . . I've hooliganed, I've no-good nicked, I've ne'er done well, just yesterday I caught myself rabble-Rousing"


----------



## F-14 (Feb 4, 2008)

"Both History and Religion have thing a in common both can be twisted and re engineered" ~ F-14


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 4, 2008)

great stuff... 

The Haircut 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours. 

The guy left. 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" 

The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours". The guy left.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" 

The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour and half". The guy left. 

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back." 

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. 

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" 

Bill replied: "Your house."


----------



## Wurger (Feb 4, 2008)




----------



## Konigstiger205 (Feb 4, 2008)




----------



## Heinz (Feb 5, 2008)




----------



## F-14 (Feb 5, 2008)

man thats some joke dude keep it up


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## Wayne Little (Feb 6, 2008)

Nominated as best short joke this year...... ?


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 

'Not yet,' she replied.


----------



## Thorlifter (Feb 6, 2008)

Love the pics Cosmo


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## v2 (Feb 6, 2008)

Dear Walter :

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. 

I hope this helps - 

Walter


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## Wurger (Feb 6, 2008)




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## v2 (Feb 7, 2008)

Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."


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## Wurger (Feb 7, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 8, 2008)

I'm with you Wurger.


----------



## Udet (Feb 8, 2008)

A 60 year old man applied for membership in a nudist beach resort. The time in his life had come when he thought it would be interesting to experiment new things.

On his first day at the resort, he went to the beach and took off his swimwear. Five minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde came along, and the man experienced an erection.

The blonde noticed it, and said to him: "Did you call me, Sir?".

The man responded: "Me? No. Why do you ask?"

"Sir, you surely are new here. We have this rule that if you experience an erection means you are calling for me, that you desire me".

The woman did not let him say anything else, lied on the sand, and let the man possess her in all conceivable ways.

The man was delighted, what a formidable place.

After being with the blonde, the man decided to go to the sauna. After a few minutes in there, he farted, kind of loud.

A real big furry guy -with a strong erection- came forward and said: "Did you call me, Sir?"

"Me? No! Why do you ask?"

"You surely are new here. We have this rule that if you fart you are calling for me, that you desire me."

The big guy did not let him say anything else and possessed him in every conceivable manner.

Very upset, the old man went to the Customer Service desk in the lobby.

"May i help you, Sir?" said a cute -completely naked- brunette.

"Yes, have this...my membership card, my keys and keep the $1000 fare, im outta here!".

"But...Sir...you´ve been here for only 5 hours?"

"Look honey, im a 60 year old man, being optimistic i have an erection once a month, and fart no less than 15 times a day!".


----------



## Udet (Feb 8, 2008)

Two married ladies went out clubbing. When driving back to their homes late in the night, after some real heavy drinking, both ladies felt like taking a pee.

The situation was of such urgency they pulled over, and saw a graveyard.

After peeing, one the ladies wiped herself with her panties, throwing the panties away.

The other lady -badly drunk- used a funeral spray on a grave to wipe herself after peeing.

The next morning the husbands of both ladies were having breakfast in some restaurant.

One of them said: "Hey, i am somewhat worried here, it seems like the ladies had some "fun" last night...my wife came back home without her panties".

The other husband responded: "You worried?? Tell me about it!! When i woke up i saw my wife´s ass with a ribbon that says: WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU".


----------



## Lucky13 (Feb 8, 2008)




----------



## Udet (Feb 8, 2008)

Three young rich spoiled married women where at a fancy coffee bar, sharing and talking about their sexual lives with their husbands.

One of them said:"When Robert makes love to me his testicles feel very hot".

Another one replied: "As i can tell that appears to be the rule, William testicles too feel hot when we make love."

The third one said: "Really? I was not aware of it...haven´t noticed it with Richard´s testicles. But i´ll find out tonight".

The next morning when the 3 young rich spoiled married women gathered again to make a meaningful and fruitful use of their priceless time, Richard´s wife was wearing sunglasses inside the fancy coffee shop, she took them off and her friends realized her left eye had been brutalized. The bruise was beyond any description.

The other two yelled: "Oh my God!!!!! Did Richard beat you????? We are going to the cops!! Let´s get a restraining order!!! Why did he do that???"

And Richard´s woman responded: "Yes, it was Richard..." (SOBBING)

"BUT WHY????" the other two said.

"Well, last night when we were making love, i wanted to find out if his balls would feel hot, so i touched them and said to him: "Wow...your balls feel very hot, like Robert´s and William´s."


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## Lucky13 (Feb 8, 2008)

LMAO!!!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 9, 2008)

Excellent..


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## wilbur1 (Feb 9, 2008)

Thats a great one udet1


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## Udet (Feb 9, 2008)

Thanks guys!



A priest came to a Nun´s Monastery to preech the gospel to the nuns.

He arrived at night, and upon entering his chamber, thought it would be cool to take a refreshing shower. The Priest took off his clothes and then noticed something: "Oh...great...no soap".

It was midnight, and he was sure that under the strict Monastery rules, all the nuns should be asleep, so he decided to go and find some soap.

He left his chamber completely naked, and started walking down a long corridor, until he reached a small warehouse room where he found soap bars; grabbed one and immediately walked back to his chamber.

While still in the corridor, he heard the sound of voices approaching and saw a group of three nuns praying the rosary walking towards him. Shocked and bewildered, he decided to stand frozen against the corridors wall and pretend he was another one of the several statues of Angels and Saints that could be found there.

When the Nuns passed by the side of that unusual statue -after all they did not get to see too many men in their lives, much less a naked one-, they stopped and stared at the statue in curiosity: one said: "What´s this?".

The three commenced touching the nearly human looking statue, until one of them touched the genitals, and pulled it a little bit.

The "statue" let go the soap bar, and one of the Nun´s said: "Oh!! This is a soap delivery statue".

They continued pulling that little thing a bit further and harder, and another Nun yelled: "Ahhh...look...it also delivers liquid soap".


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## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2008)

Mmmmmm... look out!


----------



## Wurger (Feb 10, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Feb 10, 2008)

Thats so bad


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## Udet (Feb 11, 2008)

Hey guys check this one:

After a hard day of work a man arrived home early in the night.

Her wife was watching TV and said to him:

"Frank...once more...you forgot!!!".

Frank: "Forgot what???"

Wife: "Today!!...our 10th wedding anniversary!".

F: "How do you think i would forget such a meaningful date honey???"

W: "I want you to take me out to dinner, then to see some good show....also i want to to go dancing."

F: "Do not believe me if you want, but that´s exactly the plan i had in mind!".

W: "Ok...take me to the Golden Strip Club".

F: "The Golden Strip Club?? That´s a vulgar place...what impropriety is this???".

W: "I do not care...take me there."

So, Frank took her to the Golden Strip.

Upon their arrival, the valet parking guy said:

"Good evening gentleman, its nice to see you again!".

Bewildered, her wife said Frank: "Weeeell excuse me? Nice to see YOU again?? You´ve been here before??"

F: "Are you kidding me? To this vulgar cave? These guys tell the same thing to anyone".

The security guy in the entrance door said -even if Frank was making signals to the security guy behind his wife as they approached the door- : "Mr. Carter, welcome."

W: "Mr. Carter...he knows you..."

F: "Sure he does! He works in the maintenance department of the building where the firm is."

Then Jerome, a waiter, came along and said: "Monsieur Carter, the best table as usual?".

W: "And this french too works for the maintenance department where you work?"

F: "Honey...no...this french used to work for Air France, where i always buy our tickets everytime we go to Europe on vacation".

W: -Notoriously upset- "You are shitting me..."

A bodacious woman selling cigars and cigarettes in the club passed by and said:

"Sweetie!!! Want your Gran Habano?". She grabbed one of those huge Habanos and placed it between her huge breasts. "Go for it baby...get your hands in there and get it yourself".

Frank´s wife was on the verge of exploding. Then the lights dimmed, and a super hot woman, with huge breasts ascended the stage and commenced dancing. Gradually she commenced taking her minimum clothin off as she danced wildly. She came down the stage, to Frank´s table and said:

"Honey...who´s going to take my thong off?" as she wildly moved her hips.

Then all guys in the club commenced cheering: "Frank!! Frank!!! Frank!!! Frank!!!".

The wife could not take anymore, fled the place at high speed, got in a cab; Frank came and got in the cab too, where his wife commenced beating him, insulting and pulling his hair out..."YOU F*CKERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"

Then the cab driver turned to them and said: "Say Frank, i´ve seen you with crazy sluts too many times but none come close to this tramp."


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## Wurger (Feb 11, 2008)

Two points for you Udet.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2008)

LMAO,  Excellent Udet..


----------



## Njaco (Feb 12, 2008)

*Why, Why, Why *
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? 

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'? 

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? 

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? 

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?' 

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


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## wilbur1 (Feb 12, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 13, 2008)

Very Good NJ!


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## Aussie1001 (Feb 13, 2008)

creidit given when its due and it was due good on you mate.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 15, 2008)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.


----------



## Konigstiger205 (Feb 15, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Feb 15, 2008)

Thats funny wayne


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## Wurger (Feb 15, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 16, 2008)

A bloke walked into the Centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know after all these years, I’ve realized that I just HATE living on the dole. I'd really much rather have a job, any job. I wanna contribute to society, not just be a parasite." 

The fella behind the counter said, "Mate, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 25 year old daughter. 

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and . . . you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. 

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." 

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!!!!" 

The Centerlink worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."


----------



## k9kiwi (Feb 16, 2008)

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached 
the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me 
why you're here to see the doctor today?" 

"There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist became 
irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room 
and say something like that." 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." 

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in 
this room full of people. You should have said there is something 
wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further 
with the doctor in private." 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full 
of strangers, knowing the answer could embarrass someone." 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The 
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" 

"There's something wrong with my ear." 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken 
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" 

"I can't piss out of it."


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## wilbur1 (Feb 16, 2008)

LMAO


----------



## Wurger (Feb 16, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 17, 2008)

Excellent k9kiwi


----------



## Wurger (Feb 18, 2008)

How to recognize a Persian cat?


----------



## B-17engineer (Feb 18, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 19, 2008)

Good one Wurger..


----------



## Gundrium (Feb 19, 2008)

syscom3 said:


> AND You can live in Florida where..
> 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
> 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
> 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. And a superb plastic surgeon.
> ...



You know, as someone who LIVES in said state, I can attest that is ABSOLUTLY TRUE!!!


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## wilbur1 (Feb 19, 2008)

Talikitty on a mission lol


----------



## Njaco (Feb 19, 2008)

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."


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## wilbur1 (Feb 19, 2008)

Good one nj


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## Wurger (Feb 19, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 20, 2008)

Excellent NJ


----------



## Wurger (Feb 20, 2008)

From a soldier diary:

The first day at exercise area - my platoon participated in exercises with USMC troops ,it was a good day. 

The second day - going to the exercise area my platoon met a beautiful girl.Oh these blondies.... it was a good day. 

The third day - going to the exercise area my platoon met a USMC soldier who was going to a canteen, it was a good day. 

The fourth day - going to the exercise area my platoon didn't meet anybody but my commander said I was going home for two days.I got a pass !!!!!
It was a good day. 

The fifth day - going to a railway station I met the USMC platoon, it wasn't a good day.


----------



## Negative Creep (Feb 20, 2008)

A Vampire Bat flies back to his roost, covered in blood.

'What on earth happened to you?' asked his friend
'Well,' he said 'you see that village over there?'
'Yeah....'
'See that large building?'
'Yeah...'
'Well I didn't'


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## Wayne Little (Feb 22, 2008)

I got another one...

Irish Burial At Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring
gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their
promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is
fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing
in water up to his knees.

"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is
only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No
dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and
disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."


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## wilbur1 (Feb 22, 2008)

LMAO


----------



## plan_D (Feb 22, 2008)

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
Father, he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' 

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

"Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'


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## Matt308 (Feb 22, 2008)

> A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a 
> fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed 
> that the Maitre D' was a robot. 
> 
> The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there 
> is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with 
> you until a table is ready, If you please." 
> 
> Intrigued, the man said, "OK." 
> 
> The robot clicked a couple more times and then 
> asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" 
> 
> The man answered, "Oh, about 164." 
> 
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of 
> relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest 
> medical breakthroughs, etc. 
> 
> The man was most impressed. The next day he 
> returned, But thought he would try a different tack. 
> 
> The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This 
> time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". 
> 
> So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the 
> latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red 
> Sox to do this weekend. 
> 
> The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day 
> he returned. 
> 
> Again the robot asked the question, "What is your 
> IQ?" 
> 
> This time the man drawled out, " Uh...'bout 50." 
> 
> The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly 
> asked, 
> 
> "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o 
> n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"


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## wilbur1 (Feb 23, 2008)

good one matt


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## Wurger (Feb 23, 2008)




----------



## Matt308 (Feb 24, 2008)

Aisle Seat.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine
sat down in the aisle seat.After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes
off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window
seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
you'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

Whi le he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it. 
 
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. 'Why does it have to be this way?'
he asked the two Arabs. 'How long must this go on? This fighting between
our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?' 


THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN


----------



## wilbur1 (Feb 24, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 24, 2008)

TopStuff, Matt!


----------



## DOUGRD (Feb 24, 2008)

Oldie but a goodie!!! 
Nj-p2


----------



## Heinz (Feb 25, 2008)




----------



## Konigstiger205 (Feb 25, 2008)

Good one Matt


----------



## A4K (Feb 25, 2008)

Nice one, Matt! Billy Connolly used that many years ago (rival football supporters being the main characters), good to hear it again!


----------



## v2 (Feb 25, 2008)

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.


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## Matt308 (Feb 25, 2008)

didn't see that one coming.


----------



## Aussie1001 (Feb 25, 2008)

Very good one V2 

heres one my maths b teacher told us....
it isn't real good but what the heck.

Cinderella is now ninety five years old and lately she has been down on her luck, recently her prince died and all their money has been lost through princes gambelling and smoking, all she has left is an old worn out cottage a rocking chair and a cat. One day whilst rocking on her chair her fairy godmother appears and they start to chat about days past, presently the godmother tells her she can have three more wishes.
her wishes were
1) To have all here money back 
2) To look young and beautiful again 
and finally to have her cat transformed into the most handsome prince in the world. 
anyway after her wishes have been granted and the fairy godmother dissapears her prince comes up to her and wispers in her ear "i bet you wished you hadn't go me desexed now"


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> didn't see that one coming.



Me too but great just the same.....I wonder if there is any truth in it....???? 

Gee..bad luck about the cat...


----------



## Negative Creep (Feb 26, 2008)

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old CPO insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"


"The Falklands." The old Chief calmly replied


----------



## Wurger (Feb 26, 2008)




----------



## Aussie1001 (Feb 26, 2008)




----------



## ccheese (Feb 26, 2008)

> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. 
> Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." 
> 
> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." 
> 
> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." 
> 
> The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." 
> 
> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" 
> 
> The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." 

Charles


----------



## ccheese (Feb 26, 2008)

> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" 
> 
> Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for your dog." 
> 
> Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" 
> 
> Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?" 

Charles


----------



## ccheese (Feb 26, 2008)

> An elderly man walks into a confessional.
> The following conversation ensues: 
> 
> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college 
> girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." 
> 
> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" 
> 
> Man: "What sins?" 
> 
> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" 
> 
> Man: "I'm Jewish." 
> 
> Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" 
> 
> Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody." 

Charles


----------



## ccheese (Feb 26, 2008)

That should hold you guys for awhile.. Hope no one is offended...

Charles


----------



## Wurger (Feb 26, 2008)

Charles these jokes are funny.I like them.


----------



## k9kiwi (Feb 26, 2008)

Black humour from the Fire side.

Person fell asleep on road and acts as speed bump for 4x4 (not a good idea by the way).

We are doing road control, I had been up closer to the victim and had now moved back.

One of the guys said "Did you recognise him?"

My reply. "yeah, someones flat mate."


----------



## Njaco (Feb 27, 2008)

Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a picture of his mum and dad in all their gear so he got the underwater camera ready to go.. When it came to taking the picture the dad realized that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the 'OK' hand sign to see if he was alright. 

The son took the picture and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to the surface, the son was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely panicking. When the parents asked why he said 'there was a shark behind you..' The dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true but they wouldn't believe him.So as soon as they got back to the hotel they loaded the picture onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

.


.


.


.


.


----------



## v2 (Feb 27, 2008)

An 85 year old englishman is travelling to France for a holiday. He arrives at Charles de Gaulle airport and eventually reaches passport control.
"Passport please" says the immigration official. 
The old guy starts rumaging around his bag, "hang on a sec, it's here somwhere..."
"Have you visited France before?" asks the official.
"Yes" replies the old guy, "Many years ago"
"Well sir, you should know to have your passport ready when you reach passport control."
The old guy looks a little pissed off; "Last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport."
The immigration official is becoming increasingly impatient with the pensioner, "What do you mean, every Englishman who enters France MUST show his passport."
The old guy gives a really dirty look and replies "Last time I was here was June 6th 1944, on Juno beach and I couldn't find a ****ing Frenchman to show my passport to!"


----------



## Njaco (Feb 27, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 27, 2008)

Excellent Guys!


----------



## k9kiwi (Feb 28, 2008)

So there was the news headline in the paper...

*50,000 women battered a year*

And I thought to myself "Hang on,






































I am still eating mine plain."


----------



## Njaco (Feb 28, 2008)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is…………………:



Always keep your condoms in your car!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 29, 2008)

Little Johnny watched, facinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face."Why do you do that,Mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful" said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"Whats the matter?" asked little Johnny, "Giving up?
'


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## Konigstiger205 (Feb 29, 2008)

Good one Njaco


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## Freebird (Feb 29, 2008)

Australian Tourism 

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. (between brackets the country where the question was coming from)

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water with you.

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: "A-fri-ca" is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. "Aus-tra-lia" is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not…… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send you the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: "Aus-tria" is that quaint little country bordering "Ger-ma-ny", which is…. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink!

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: *Yes, gay nightclubs*.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: *Only at Christmas*.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them!

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in "A-meri-ca", which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: *Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.*

21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A:* Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first*.


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## ccheese (Feb 29, 2008)

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." 
> 
> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" 
> 
> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." 
> 
> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. 

> You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." 
> 
> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
> 
> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" 

Charles


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## ccheese (Feb 29, 2008)

Charles Schultz Philosophy 

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the questions straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize. 

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress. 

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. 

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one: 

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you somethg worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with. 

Easier? 

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 

It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)


Good Advise...

Charles


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## Matt308 (Feb 29, 2008)

Putin' it in...  Great Charles.


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## Matt308 (Feb 29, 2008)

Sven Olaf were fishing one day 

when Sven pulled out a cigar.



Finding he had no matches, 

he asked Olaf for a light. 



'Ya, shure, I Tink I haff a lighter', he replied.



Then reaching into his tackle box, 

he pulled out a Bic lighter 10Inches long.



" Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, 

taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 



"Vere dit yew git dat monster??'



'Vell', replied Olaf, 'I got it from my Genie'



'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.



'Ya, shure, it's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf.



'Cou ld I see him?' asked Sven.



Olaf opens his tackle box 

sure enough, out pops the Genie.



Addressing the Genie, Sven says, 

'Hey dere, I'm a good friend of your
Master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'



'Yes, I will', says the Genie.



So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.



The Genie disappears back into the tackle box 

leaving Sven sittingThere, waiting for his million bucks. 

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled 

with the sound of a million ducks... Flying overhead.



Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf, 

'Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, 

not a million ducks!'



Olaf answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat 

DA Genie is hart of Hearing. 

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'


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## Njaco (Feb 29, 2008)

All great ones!!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 1, 2008)

Excellent Guys!!   Especially the Australian Tourism!!


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## v2 (Mar 1, 2008)

All makes sense now! 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 1, 2008)

Great jokes guys...keep them coming!


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## Cota1992 (Mar 1, 2008)

Redneck Condo Tower


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## Matt308 (Mar 1, 2008)

Somebodies been busy!


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## Freebird (Mar 2, 2008)

Wayne Little said:


> Excellent Guys!!   Especially the Australian Tourism!!



Thanks Wayne!  I'm sure there are some Canuck jokes coming too...


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 2, 2008)

Cota1992 said:


> Redneck Condo Tower



Those are some nice trailers


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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2008)

Yeah those trailers.....


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## v2 (Mar 2, 2008)

You May Be A Taliban If.......


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a religious objection to beer. 

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth. 
4. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

5. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

7. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

8. You've ever uttered the phrase,"I love what you've done with your cave."

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.


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## wilbur1 (Mar 2, 2008)

he he


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## Matt308 (Mar 2, 2008)

Hehehehe... I love the redneck pics. They never get old.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 3, 2008)

Excellent...


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## v2 (Mar 3, 2008)

....


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## plan_D (Mar 3, 2008)

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop


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## wilbur1 (Mar 3, 2008)

Ive heard that before pland wonder if its true or not


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## Wurger (Mar 5, 2008)




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## k9kiwi (Mar 6, 2008)

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. 

The conversation went like this: 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" 

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. 



Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."


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## Wurger (Mar 6, 2008)




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## Heinz (Mar 6, 2008)




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## Njaco (Mar 6, 2008)

I rear-ended a car this morning!

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . And that's when the fight started . .


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## Wayne Little (Mar 7, 2008)

Cool NJ!

Do you know the difference between "Guts" and "Balls"

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the blokes, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the blokes, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say, "Your next!"


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## wilbur1 (Mar 7, 2008)

LMAO


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## Velius (Mar 7, 2008)

These are all GREAT!! I only read two or three pages of this thread but I need to come back to read them all! Kudos to everyone! 8)


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## Wurger (Mar 7, 2008)




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## v2 (Mar 7, 2008)

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." 
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" 

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 7, 2008)




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## Njaco (Mar 7, 2008)

(this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night--early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."


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## Matt308 (Mar 7, 2008)

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman
who did NOT whine, nag, and bitch... 



But this was a long time ago... and it was just ONE day. 

THE END


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 8, 2008)

Good ones Matt and Njaco!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 8, 2008)

good stuff Guys..


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## Wayne Little (Mar 9, 2008)

Blonde Joke time....

Two blondes walk into a building.......... You'd think at least one of them would have seen it


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## Wurger (Mar 9, 2008)

A blonde came in a health center to see a doctor.

What is going on ? asked the doc.
I have to undergo emergency surgery ! answered the girl.
What's happend ? asked the doc again.
Doc, I want you to remove a cat from my head.
What ? 
People say I had a cat in my head and it has to be thrown away.Could you do it?
Ok,Ok said the doc and got her to an operating theatre where he started operating on her.Having her head opened the doc noticed that there was nothing but a thin silver strand across only, no cat any way.He was hesitating for a while about whether to cat the thread or not.Finnaly,using a scalpel razor the doc did it. And the blonde's ears came away from her head.


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## Njaco (Mar 9, 2008)

Got this from another website.....

Military Photos . net

Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled"is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots,"
Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph who don't know)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
--------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
--------------------------------------------

_(this one's for Erich!)_
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

------------------------

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line of aircraft "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."


United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

--------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your lastknown position?"


Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:


"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

--------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

--------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7, did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

----------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-wittedcomedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'd have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

----------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


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## Wayne Little (Mar 10, 2008)

Excellent...love those traffic controller exchanges..


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## Wurger (Mar 10, 2008)

He,he


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 10, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Mar 10, 2008)

Thats funny sh##


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## Wayne Little (Mar 11, 2008)

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled.
"We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10." "Very good, said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes honey, it's because your blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy" she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G, see a,b,c,d,e,f,g." "Very good, said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes honey, it's because your blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy" she yelled, "we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" and she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very Good." said her embarrassed Mother.
"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mummy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 11, 2008)

Good one Wayne


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Mar 11, 2008)

nice one


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## Wurger (Mar 11, 2008)

8 points in my 10 points scale ,Wayne.


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## Njaco (Mar 11, 2008)




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## Wildcat (Mar 11, 2008)

good one Wayne!!


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## Matt308 (Mar 11, 2008)

.


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## Aussie1001 (Mar 11, 2008)

on a scale of 1 to 10 i give that a 9, very good mate


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## Wayne Little (Mar 12, 2008)

Good one Matt!


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## Wildcat (Mar 12, 2008)

Jewelry eh, so thats the trick!


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## Njaco (Mar 12, 2008)

Love This Comeback (_I got this from an email_)

One of my sons serves in the military. He is stationed stateside, here in California . He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him and his troops everywhere they go. He told me how people shake their hands and thank them for being willing to serve and fight, not only for our own freedoms but so that others may have them too. 

Then he told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday on his way home from the base. He said that several people were in the line ahead of him, including a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier, she made a loud remark about the U.S. Flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock. The cashier reached up and touched the pin and said, _'Yes, I always wear it proudly, because I am an American_.' 

The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. 

Then, a Gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "_Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq , so you can straighten out the Mess in YOUR country, that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid."_ 

Everyone within hearing distance cheered!


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## wilbur1 (Mar 12, 2008)

Thats a great one nj


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## Wayne Little (Mar 13, 2008)

Top stuff NJ!


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## v2 (Mar 13, 2008)

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a government fire officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 fire line monkey, he can cut line, Swat flames, lay hose, spray water, cut trees with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "helitack" monkey; it can marshal helicopters, brief passengers, hook up buckets, complete weight and balance forms, and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"


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## Wurger (Mar 13, 2008)




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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 13, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Mar 13, 2008)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young
mothers and their small children....

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating.?
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money.?
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her
little boy
by the hand and whispers.

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."


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## Njaco (Mar 13, 2008)




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## Wildcat (Mar 14, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2008)




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## Njaco (Mar 14, 2008)

When did these come out?


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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2008)

hey, cool NJ...


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## plan_D (Mar 14, 2008)

Best Divorce Letter...ever!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2008)




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## Wurger (Mar 14, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Mar 14, 2008)

Great...


----------



## v2 (Mar 14, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Mar 15, 2008)

This is brilliant...

DOTHETEST


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## Wayne Little (Mar 16, 2008)

Friggin' excellent Matt...


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## Wildcat (Mar 16, 2008)

Damn that made me laugh Matt!!


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## wilbur1 (Mar 16, 2008)

Thats pretty cool


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 16, 2008)

That was hilarious


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## Matt308 (Mar 16, 2008)

Certainly took me off guard. Great commercial.


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## Njaco (Mar 16, 2008)

That was excellent! Can't wait for Erich's comment.


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## v2 (Mar 17, 2008)

Jump higher....


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## A4K (Mar 17, 2008)

Couldn't read matt's ( bloody 'Fortinet' blocking everything again...) but Plan D...that was BRUTAL !!!!


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## Heinz (Mar 18, 2008)

V2!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 18, 2008)

Thats great V2!


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## Wurger (Mar 18, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Mar 18, 2008)

Wait for it...
____________________________________________________

> Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me"
> came from?
> 
> Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
> Country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware
> River with his troops.
> 
> There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It
> was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing
> them about.
> 
> Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and
> stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
> to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
> 
> Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging
> the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
> 
> Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Co rporal Peters
> and his lantern into the Delaware Washington and his troops searched
> for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
> All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their 
> favorites.
> 
> Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
> wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
> they must go on.
> 
> Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights
> ahead."
> 
> They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What
> they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in
> the forest to serve all who came.
> 
> General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
> The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
> 
> A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.> 
> Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
> Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
> desperately need warmth and comfort."
> 
> Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a
> broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the
> right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men
> do you have?"
> 
> Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
> 
> And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me"


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## wilbur1 (Mar 18, 2008)

Ya gotta be ****##n me thats freakin funny


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## A4K (Mar 18, 2008)

Nice one matt!


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## DOUGRD (Mar 18, 2008)

I just heard this one today.....A guy goes into a bank and stands in line for the next teller. He gets up to the counter, pulls a gun and robs to bank. As he starts to leave he thinks to himself "Hey I shouldn't leave any witnesses." He turns to the man behind him and asks "Did you see me rob this bank?" The guy says "Yeah I saw it." BAMMM! The robber shoots him in the head. The robber then turns to the next guy in line and asks "Did you see me rob this bank?" "Yes I saw everything." replied the second witness. Ka BOOOMMM!!! The robber shoots him in the head too. Then the robber turns to the next guy in line and asks "Did you see me rob this bank?" The third man replies, pointing at the woman behind him, "No, but my wife did!"


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## Wayne Little (Mar 19, 2008)

Excellent Guys... 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. 

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. 
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" 

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog 
turned on her." 

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Mar 19, 2008)

LOL, nice one Wayne


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 19, 2008)

Good one Wayne


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## Njaco (Mar 19, 2008)

Wayne, thats a great one!


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## wilbur1 (Mar 19, 2008)

Thats to funny


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## A4K (Mar 19, 2008)

Nice one Wayne!


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## Wurger (Mar 19, 2008)

Neverending story.


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## DOUGRD (Mar 19, 2008)

Terrific Wayne!!!


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## DOUGRD (Mar 19, 2008)

I don't think this one has been posted yet but if it has I apologize.....

One day , in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here" says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opens the door to the first room

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No" OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a strong swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer time ,after time, after time. "No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented OJ.

The Devil opened a third door. Through it OJ saw Bill Clinton lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief and finally said "Yeah man, I can handle this"

The Devil smiled and said " OK Monica, you're free to go."


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## Wayne Little (Mar 20, 2008)




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## Heinz (Mar 20, 2008)

!


----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (Mar 20, 2008)




----------



## Cota1992 (Mar 20, 2008)

*"What! TWO air vents! Decal on the wrong side...MINT Original Liebstandarte Parade Helmet my waterproof hopping ass! Christ! wait until the Pig sees the Visa bill!"*


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 20, 2008)




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## A4K (Mar 20, 2008)

Doug and Cota...


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## Wurger (Mar 20, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 20, 2008)

..

A woman accompanied her Husband to the doctor's. After a check-up on the Husband the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your Husband is suffereing from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his health. If you don't do the following four things your Husband is going to die"
The wife was horrified. "I'll do anyhing" she replied.
The Doctor said " First, each morning fix him a big breakfast and send him off to work happy. Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritcious meal and give him a whole lot of kisses before he goes back to work. Third, after dinner, give him a massage and make sure you don't nag him about anything.
Fourth, and most important for relieving stress, have sex with him every day in what ever position he fancies."
On the way home, the husband asks his wife: "What did the Doctor say?"
The wife replied..."Your going to Die!"


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Mar 20, 2008)

lol


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## wilbur1 (Mar 21, 2008)

lol


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## k9kiwi (Mar 22, 2008)

An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. 

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have sh*t in it." 

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English." 

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."


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## Matt308 (Mar 22, 2008)

What do you call a one legged Asian woman?

*



*



*



*


*



*



Irene

[Hey no throwing fruit]


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## Njaco (Mar 22, 2008)

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embed ded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wonder ing if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 22, 2008)

Good stuff Guys...


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## v2 (Mar 23, 2008)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-plained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'


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## wilbur1 (Mar 23, 2008)

Thats funny !


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## Wayne Little (Mar 24, 2008)

Good one V2..


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## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2008)

A Catholic story... 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then he leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards
instead of your collar.'


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## wilbur1 (Mar 25, 2008)

LMAO


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## Matt308 (Mar 27, 2008)

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." 

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. 

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

"Ralph , for the FIFTH f*ckin' time, CHICKEN!"


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## Cota1992 (Mar 27, 2008)

Zebra


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## Matt308 (Mar 27, 2008)

Funny... but not sure I get it.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 27, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2008)

A test to see who is your real friend!?

This really works!


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. 



Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!


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## Wurger (Mar 28, 2008)




----------



## mkloby (Mar 28, 2008)

Wayne Little said:


> A test to see who is your real friend!?
> 
> This really works!
> 
> ...



The wife will shoot me with my own gun... the dog won't...


----------



## Konigstiger205 (Mar 28, 2008)

Great posts guys!


----------



## v2 (Mar 28, 2008)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' 

To which she replies, 'I think that you're the father of one of my kids.' 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son' s teacher.'


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## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2008)

Excellent V2!


----------



## DOUGRD (Mar 29, 2008)

What is the difference between a "brown nose" and an "a-s kisser"?

Depth preception.


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 29, 2008)




----------



## Njaco (Mar 29, 2008)

Its the time of the year for the Stupid Awards

*EIGHTH PLACE:*
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

*SEVENTH PLACE:*
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,” accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

*SIXTH PLACE:*
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

*FIFTH PLACE:*
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

*FOURTH PLACE:*
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del. , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

*THIRD PLACE: (THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRST PLACE )*
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers – firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, andfired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 5 0 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire. 

*HONORABLE MENTION:*
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ , and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed. 

*RUNNER UP:*
TACOMA, WA. Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy saltwater and was rescued by two nearby fishermen "_All I can say_" said Bingham "_is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." _Bingham's foot was never located.

*AND THE WINNER...*
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. _"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him _" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "S __ t happens." 

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID...


----------



## Matt308 (Mar 29, 2008)

Sorry Njaco... My first indication was the Washington DC "gun shop"... no such thing. The city has banned all handguns, even in your own home. And long guns are banned from being loaded even your house.

Soooooo.... while funny...


----------



## DOUGRD (Mar 30, 2008)

After numerous rounds of " We don't even know if Osama is still alive?" Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

President Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message. 370HSSV-O773H

President Bush was baffled so he sent it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down".


----------



## Konigstiger205 (Mar 30, 2008)

Great stuff Njaco and Dougrd


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 30, 2008)

Good stuff guys..


----------



## Njaco (Mar 30, 2008)

Now that you said that Matt, I agree. It was an email but it still would be a great read in the newspaper! 

Doug, thats Great!


----------



## DOUGRD (Mar 30, 2008)

I'm glad you guys enjoyed it! Here's some good ones...

All too rarely, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real (supposedly) examples that have been heard or reported...

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants".

On landing, the flight attendant said,"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There are 50 ways to leave your lover but only 4 ways out of this aircraft."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, Tn. a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that sure as hell everything has shifted".

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa...To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab a mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees (F) with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses...except for that gentleman over there."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."


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## wilbur1 (Mar 30, 2008)

LMAO!!!!!!


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## Njaco (Mar 30, 2008)

Excellent Doug!!


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## DOUGRD (Mar 30, 2008)

Hold on to your Depends I got a few more for ya.. 

Heard on Southwest Airlines after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate.

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the gate.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. the airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that in light of his bad landing he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no ma'am." Said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 

The rest I'll save for tomorrow....


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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2008)

All fantastic Doug, loved the last one the most!


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 31, 2008)

Funny stuff Doug


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## A4K (Mar 31, 2008)

great stuff Doug! Keep 'em coming!


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## wilbur1 (Mar 31, 2008)

Shot down lol!


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## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2008)

True story from my literally millions of frequent flyer miles...

NWA out of Reagan National about 4-5 years ago. We were delayed by thunderstorms for about 2 hours. Reagan closes after about 2300 for noise abatement. It is about 2200 and they board us on the plane. I'm sitting in firstclass window seat. Guy next to me. Its raining like hell.

The guy elbows me and points to the ceiling. Its leaking water... [drip, drip, drip]. Passengers keep boarding.

About this time the cockpit door booms open and a pilot walks into the firstclass cabin with a dour look on his face.

My seat mate says, "Excuse me. Should we be worried about that leak?"

The pilot with calm understudy, looks at the dripping water cascading out of the ceiling, looks back at the guy in Seat 2B and says, "Not unless it gets above your head."

The pilot grabbed his bags from the overhead and walked out the forward door. The flight was cancelled.


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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2008)

Okay, for us geeks...

When an engineer gets mad. Be afraid.


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## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2008)

Sad thing is, our young Mr. Monroe likely suffered an additional $20 bad check fee.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 1, 2008)

Nice ones matt!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2008)

Yeah.. 

A weary traveller stopped at a Motel in the middle of the night, only to be told no rooms were available. ”You’ve got to have something” pleaded the traveller.
The Motel Manager paused, and said “ Well, we do have one spare bed, but it’s in a room with another man and he’s a very loud snorer. This guy snores so loudly, that everybody has been complaining about him. You won’t get any sleep if you share a room with him.”
The traveller said he would take the room anyway, and the next morning he went down to breakfast bright eyed and refreshed.
The Manager said: “ so the snorer was no problem then?”
The traveller replied, “: Oh no. As we were going to bed I bent over him, kissed him and said, ‘Good night, gorgeous’, and he stayed awake all night watching me!”


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## DOUGRD (Apr 1, 2008)

Here's the last of 'em guys....

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this plane is on the wing and if you can light 'em you can smoke 'em."

LAST ONE FOLKS...

A plane was taking off from JFK Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you , the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

I hope one and all have enjoyed these airline jokes and if I can find my "Maintenance" jokes I'll share those as well... such as...

PILOT WRITE UP: #3 Engine missing.
MECH SIGN OFF: #3 Engine found on right wing.

PILOT WRITE UP: IFF does not work in "OFF" position.
MECH SIGN OFF: It's not supposed to!

PILOT WRITE UP: Autopilot will not hold altitude.
MSCH SIGN OFF: Works fine on deck.


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## Njaco (Apr 2, 2008)

Doug, I saw a list of those maintenance jokes and if they are the ones I'm thinking of, they are the best! Hope you find them. I'll try to remember where I saw them.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 2, 2008)

Good laugh again Doug. The maintenance stuff is great too looking forward to more of it.....


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## DOUGRD (Apr 2, 2008)

Chris Wayne, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the jokes. It's always good to laugh. I'll look again tomorrow for the maintenance jokes. We're in the process of moving and you know how that goes.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 3, 2008)

A Husband and wife found it hard to get a babysitter and they decided the only way to make love at home was to send their eight year old son out on the balcony.
The boy, pretending to be a super spy, began to report all the neighbourhood activities…
“ Mrs Smith is hanging out her washing,” the boy said. “A taxi just drove by, a kid is riding his new bicycle, and the Brown’s are having sex!”
His Mum and dad sat upright and said ,”How do you know that?”
“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.” He replied.


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## v2 (Apr 3, 2008)




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## Njaco (Apr 3, 2008)




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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 3, 2008)




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## SpitfireKing (Apr 3, 2008)

Wayne Little said:


> A Husband and wife found it hard to get a babysitter and they decided the only way to make love at home was to send their eight year old son out on the balcony.
> The boy, pretending to be a super spy, began to report all the neighbourhood activities…
> “ Mrs Smith is hanging out her washing,” the boy said. “A taxi just drove by, a kid is riding his new bicycle, and the Brown’s are having sex!”
> His Mum and dad sat upright and said ,”How do you know that?”
> “Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.” He replied.



 AS soon as I come back and I see laugh-a-planty.


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## Heinz (Apr 3, 2008)

Love your work Wayne!


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## DOUGRD (Apr 3, 2008)

Very Good Wayne!!! 

Time for a true story...
Last summer my wife and I and our then seven year old granddaughter, who we are raising, had to take a 150 mile trip. On the way home late in the afternoon and about 15 miles from home I got pulled over by a State Trooper for doing 61 in a 55 zone. The trooper walks up to the car and asks for the usual documents (Papers Please! with heavy "B" movie German accent). So he looks at me and says "Mr. D do you have any priors?" I replied "No sir I don't" Just then a little voice in the back seat says in a loud voice "Yes you do Papa, you have a whole lot of them at home in your tool box!" The trooper and I both looked at each other and I'm sure there was a panic type look on my face. After about three LLLoooonnnngggg seconds it dawned on me what she thought he said. "I quick replied "No Sweetie, the officer didn't say PLIERS, he said PRIORS" All of us got a good laugh out of it and I got off with a warning. And Luci got a Junior State Trooper Badge!


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## Matt308 (Apr 3, 2008)

That's a beauty!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2008)

That's great Doug!.. 

Another one...

A US border patrol agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes, right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says,” sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now!”
The Mexican pleads with him, “No, Noooo senor, I must stay in de USA, pleeeze!”
The agent thinks to himself, “ I’m going to make this hard for him.” And says:” Ok , I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.”
The Mexican of course, agrees. The border patrol agent tells him, “The three words are, green pink and yellow, now use them in one sentence.”
The Mexican thinks really hard for a couple of minutes and says….” The phone, it went green, green, green, I pink it up and sez, ‘yellow’.”


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## Wurger (Apr 4, 2008)




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## Heinz (Apr 4, 2008)

thats a ripper Doug! 

 @ wayne


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## Udet (Apr 4, 2008)

Superman was patrolling the city´s skies when he spotted WonderWoman taking a sunbath on her private terrace...she was completely naked and with her legs spread wide open.

Superman thought to himself: "This is my chance to have intercourse with Super Woman...knowing my superior speed is that i will dive on her at the speed of light, have intercourse with her to immediately fly away...she will not even know what happened...here i go..."

Superman commenced his dive at the speed of light and hit his target and fled the spot.

Superwoman noticed something strange and asked the Invisible Man: "What was that honey?".

He replied: "I do not know but for one second my as+hole itched a lot..."


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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Apr 4, 2008)




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## DOUGRD (Apr 4, 2008)

OOOOWWWWW!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 5, 2008)

A Teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories……

Karl said: “ My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all of the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” said Karl. “Very Good” said the teacher.
Next, little Emily raised her hand and said: “Our family farms too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we got only ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is: ‘Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.”
“That was a fine story, Emily,” said the teacher. “Mick, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes,” said Mick. “My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon, who was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was three bottles of rum, a machinegun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke, and then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?”
“Well,” said Mick, “Stay the hell away from Auntie Sharon when she’s been on the pi*s!”


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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 5, 2008)




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## Wurger (Apr 5, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Apr 5, 2008)

The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffff, Ffff Ffff...

And before he could say "F#ck," the Rottweiller ate him!"


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

good one


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)




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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 5, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 5, 2008)

Excellent...


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## Njaco (Apr 6, 2008)

.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 6, 2008)

Thats funny nj!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 6, 2008)

LMAO... Good one!


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## Matt308 (Apr 7, 2008)

.


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## Matt308 (Apr 7, 2008)

Sometimes, I guess anonymity can be hot.


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## Wurger (Apr 7, 2008)




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## DOUGRD (Apr 7, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 7, 2008)

Joining in...


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## Udet (Apr 8, 2008)

Wayne Little said:


> A Teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
> The next day the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories……
> 
> Karl said: “ My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all of the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
> ...



WAYNE: THIS ONE RULED!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA


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## Wayne Little (Apr 9, 2008)

I'm rather partial to that one myself... 

Royal Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, an immigrant lad of Maori extraction ... a big former farm- labourer also a former All Black ... currently responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery and feeding the giraffes. Graham, like most All Blacks, had little sense .... but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus." The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition? "Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another three wiks to come up with the $500!"


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## Wildcat (Apr 9, 2008)

LMAO!! I love it!!!


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## k9kiwi (Apr 9, 2008)

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. 

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, 'Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?' 

The other guy says, 'It just happened, and was a 'tongue twister' accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, 'Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-a$$ed b!tch.'


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## Cota1992 (Apr 10, 2008)

War Veterans 

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it 
is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few 
seconds, over and over. This really bothers Fred so he asks him, 
"What's wrong with you?"

The reply is, "I got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches 
in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of 
him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing 
his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war?"

His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it 
off of my hand."


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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2008)

Aw...man!... ...


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## Cota1992 (Apr 10, 2008)

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.


She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.



On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.



He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.



He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also.

What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh.

"

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.



"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax.

"

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh.

"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2008)




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## v2 (Apr 11, 2008)

Three Bullets:

One day a heavily pregnant woman, expecting triplets, is walking down a non descript shopping street. She's about to pass by a local bank, when a masked robber armed with a handgun comes running out, alarm bells ringing.

The masked man crashes into the woman, and as he gets up he is so incensed about this preggo getting in his way, he shoots her three times in the belly. 

She's rushed to hospital, where after numerous hours i surgery, the Doctors declare that she's fine and the babies are fine too (aawww, bless). A month later, she gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 

*16 years later*

The mother is sitting in her armchair one day, knitting something useless, when one of her daughters comes in:

"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"

"Whats wrong? You know you can tell me anything"

"Well, its a bit embarrasing but... well... I was having a wee, and a bullet came out"

The mother thinks for a while and then explains the incident 16 years ago with the masked robber, and assures the daughter its nothing to worry about.

A couple of days later her other daughter comes in to the living room:

"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"

"Whats wrong? You know you can tell me anything"

"Well, I was having a pee, and a bullet came out."

The mother reassures the daughter and tells her the same happened to her sister, and tells her the story of the masked robber. Second daughter is easily assured and goes off to carry on living her little life.

A few days pass again, and the son comes into the living room.

"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"

The mum's pretty sure she knows whats happened:

"Yes, I know. You were having a pee and a bullet came out. Your sisters had the same thing happen to them"

"Well... ermm,.... no, not quite mum."

"Oh... what happened?"

"Well.... you see... I was kinda... well... I was having a wank.... And I shot the dog"


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## DOUGRD (Apr 11, 2008)




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## Wurger (Apr 12, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2008)

Thanks...I needed a laugh...


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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 12, 2008)

Great jokes guys!


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## DOUGRD (Apr 12, 2008)

The airliner was boarding as usual when this one young lady takes a seat in First Class. The Flight Attendant (FA) goes up to her and asks for her ticket. She then tells the woman that she only has a coach ticket and must go back to the coach seating. The woman reply "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." The FA tries to explain the seating arrangements but the woman again replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to L.A. first class." The Capt walks onboard and hearing the discussion pulls the F.A. to the side. He says "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He walks up to the blond woman and asks her where she's going. Again the woman replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to L.A. first class." The Capt then leans over and whispers something in her ear. She immediately jumps up, grabs her belongings and dashes to the coach section. The F.A. is amazed and asks the Capt what he could possibly have said that made the woman move that fast? "It was easy," said the Capt. "I just told her the front of the plane wasn't going to L.A."


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## Wayne Little (Apr 13, 2008)

Brilliant!!


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## v2 (Apr 13, 2008)

...


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## Matt308 (Apr 14, 2008)

.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 14, 2008)

Holy crap i just snorted dr pepper out my nose!


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## Matt308 (Apr 14, 2008)

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, 



Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life. 

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" 

She asks, "What?" 

"SEX!!" he replies. 

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" 

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds t o hold it. 



Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. 

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. < /P> 


Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! 



Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?" 

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"


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## wilbur1 (Apr 14, 2008)

ROFL!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2008)

Thats Great...


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## DOUGRD (Apr 14, 2008)




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## v2 (Apr 16, 2008)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgJVE-Zqd8g_


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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 16, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Apr 16, 2008)




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## Thorlifter (Apr 17, 2008)

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim, climb a mountain, and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."


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## Wurger (Apr 18, 2008)




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## Njaco (Apr 18, 2008)

DOUG I found it!

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

P: = The problem logged by the pilot.
S: = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
------------------------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


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## Matt308 (Apr 18, 2008)

An oldie, but goodie.


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## syscom3 (Apr 18, 2008)

> This is the ultimate in wordsmithing an insult!



My turn .....

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go
away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You're a
putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad,
a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are equivalent to the
seeping pus from the afterbirth of an aboriginal gang bang, left lying
in the sun for three days. You are a bleating foal, a curdled
staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal
accompanying your alleged birth in to this world. An insensate,
blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling,
giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in
recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at
the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut.
Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are
a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you
smell? You snail-skulled, little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you
up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you
loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy
pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy,
convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary,
stale, flat and unprofitable.

You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and
ing. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you.
Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic,
starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And
what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements
of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with me and the others
in this room? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that
your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a
leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite
of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile.
You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling
meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool.

You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the
personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and
benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery
and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody
woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless
base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You
dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You
churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey
poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting maggot. You
gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing
beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward,
and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I
feel debased just for knowing you exist.

I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I
cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You
are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself, so
far, that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense
that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day
sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our
entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a
troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this
is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some
pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be
beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear
from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride
your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant
trivia, or any of the rest of your drivel. Duh. The only thing worse
than your logic is your manners. I delete all of your posts because,
well... they never really say anything. Maybe later in life, after you
have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more
success. True, these are rudimentary skills that us "normal" people
take for granted and have an easy time mastering. But we sometimes
forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world such as
yourself. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the
best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to
be placing such a demand on you.

Respects

Cya


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## DOUGRD (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm glad you found it Chris because I searched high and low and couldn't find my copy. What you have is exactly the same as what I had. By the way... the one about the tire almost needs changing? I actually saw that one used. A LCDR wrote up the left nose tire on a P3A Orion as almost needs changing and a friend of mine signed it off as almost changed it. The NX Maintenance Chief let it go saying if the LCDR was dumb enough to write it up that way he's let the sign off stand as is.


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## Njaco (Apr 19, 2008)

I know its an oldie but it cracks me up every time!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 19, 2008)

Yeah good laugh glad to read it again NJ... 

Now thats one hell of an insult Sys...


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## Velius (Apr 19, 2008)

One I read a few moments ago...

WWII Pep Talk

Sergeant: "Out there is your enemy. He has made your life miserable, he is working to destroy you, and he has been trying to kill you every day throughout this war!"

Private: "You mean our cook has gone over to the Germans?!"


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## DOUGRD (Apr 20, 2008)




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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 20, 2008)

Funny stuff guys!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2008)

nice..!


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## Wurger (Apr 20, 2008)




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## v2 (Apr 21, 2008)

Post Office Interview
A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. 

The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?" 

The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Viet Nam." 

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?" 

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though." 

"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started." 

The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?" 

"Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our b**** for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"


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## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2008)

Nice one V2....


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## A4K (Apr 21, 2008)

Two drunks at the bar. One of them sees a dog licking his balls in the corner.
"I wish I could do that" he says.
"Give 'im a biscuit, he might let ya" says his mate.


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## DOUGRD (Apr 21, 2008)




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## DOUGRD (Apr 21, 2008)

If everyone here will excuse me for posting a repeat I'd like to post another version of the joke Wayne Little posted at #711...
A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satify a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would think the matter over carefully. The following day he announced that he would accept their offer but only under four conditions.
"First", said Bobby Lee, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "You can't tell no one about this" 
The Keeper again readily agreed.
"Third" Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00"


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## DOUGRD (Apr 21, 2008)

I think I've watched Jeff Foxworthy too much...(For those of you who don't know Jeff, he's a comedian who tells mostly "Redneck" jokes.)

My favorite one is: "If your richest relative buys a new home and you go over to help him take the wheels off it, you may be a redneck."

" If your father walks you to school every day because you're in the same grade, you may be a redneck."

"If you refer to the fifth grade as My senior year, you may be a redneck."


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## k9kiwi (Apr 22, 2008)

George the Mailman

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."


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## DOUGRD (Apr 22, 2008)

Another classic worth repeating!


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## Njaco (Apr 22, 2008)

You might be a Redneck if your Grandmother comes out of the bathroom and yells, "Hey, yall, cumere and look at this one!"

.....If your house is mobile and your car ain't.

.....if someone stops by and asks if your having a yard sale...every day of the week!

.....if your family tree don't fork.


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## A4K (Apr 23, 2008)

An old Arab classic (love this one!) :


زمان* کورد* له *گه*شه*دا*ه
ئه*وه* به*ش* کورد** پر?ژه**ه*ک* ن?ونه*ته*وه**** کراوه**ه** و ئامانج*
ک?کردنه*وه** هه*موو زان*ار***ه*کان* مر??ه*. به* هه*و??ک* هاوبه*ش ئه*و
ئه*نس*کل?پ?د*ا به*لاشه* گه*شه* ده**کا. هه*مووان ده*توانن *ب? خ?ناونووس
کردن
به*شدار* بکه*ن له* نووس*ن* ئه*و ئه*نس*کل?پ?د*ا*ه*. ئ?وه* ئه*و
ئه*نس*کل?پ?د*ا*ه ده*نووسن هه*ر .ر?ژ
و*ک*پ?د*ا*
کورد* له* گه*شه* کردن*دا*ه. ئ?ستا گوتار* كورد* ت?دا*ه به زاراوه*کان*:
كرمانج*, س?ران* و زازاک*


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## ScOoTeR1992 (Apr 23, 2008)

ok A4K whats the catch i don't speak arab


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## A4K (Apr 23, 2008)

The punchline: ..So the waiter says "Hey! That's not a duck !" (applause)  

(...Thankyou, thankyou, you've been a wonderful audience!...)


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## Wayne Little (Apr 23, 2008)

Some great jokes...Guys..  

Evan, be careful man, Dan might "ban ur *ss" for spam!! or at the very least grafitti....


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## Njaco (Apr 23, 2008)

A4K! Thats great!!...can't ....breath....laughing...too....oh man, wonderful!!


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## rochie (Apr 23, 2008)

a 16yo boy comes home with a huge grin on his face
"what you so happy for" say's his dad
"just had sex for the first time" he replies
"great" say's the dad "i'll get you a new bike to celebrate but you'll have to wait till pay day"
"no probs dad my arse is so sore i wont be able to ride it yet anyway"


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## v2 (Apr 23, 2008)

An old man is celebrating his 70th birthday. After the cake and party is done, he has all of his grandchildren sit around as he tells a story of his younger days.

"When I turned 20, my friends and I decided to go to Africa one summer to hunt lions for fun. We were young and loved adventure. So one day, while my friends and I were out with our rifles searching for lions, I started to feel a bit sleepy. I told my friends to go ahead of me as I rested under the shade of a tree. Then, as I slowly opened my eyes a few minutes later, I saw the biggest lion I had ever laid my eyes on in the distance charging at me....coming closer...and closer....and closer.....as I reached for my rifle, the lion jumped and ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR.......I sh!tted my pants."

His youngest grandchild feeling sorry for his grandfather, puts his hand on his grandfather's knee and says, "Grandpa, if I were you and a big scary lion was charging at me, I would also crap my pants."

At this, the grandfather turns to the child and says, "No, son, just now when I said "ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR" I sh!tted my pants."


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## A4K (Apr 24, 2008)

Ha ha, what a loser RRRROOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!
...Oops, excuse me a moment...


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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2008)




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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2008)

When it was raining a young John was gamming hide-and-seek with his brother and sister.Unfortunately all hiding-places at his home were well-known to his siblings.One day having no choice he jumped under his Grandma's big skirt.Nobody has found him for long time.An houre later he decided to come out into the open.His sister and brother were very surprised of his idea.Johny looked at them and then at his grandmother and asked:
What is that you have there under the skirt, Grannie?
Being very embarrassed the old woman answered - A pussycat, my dear boy.
Wow .... cried out John.It must be a very old kitty because it stinks a lot.And what is more it has been dead for long time ,its tongue is moved forward from the muzzle.


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## A4K (Apr 25, 2008)

Does Jola know you tell jokes like that, Wojtek ??


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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2008)

She knows all my jokes.


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## A4K (Apr 25, 2008)

You did well there then, mate! If I even start to tell one, Ivett just looks at me and says "Wait - is this going to be one of your bad jokes again ..?"


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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2008)

Interesting......Jola doesn't like many of these jokes but she is very patient.Therefore she is my wife.


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## A4K (Apr 25, 2008)

Good on ya, mate! Ivett is very patient with me too, I have to say. I'm very happy to have her!


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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2008)




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## A4K (Apr 25, 2008)

Have a good weekend guys, I'm off home now.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 25, 2008)

You too mate....almost time for bed here 11.45pm, almost Saturday...


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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2008)

A4K said:


> Have a good weekend guys.



Same to you guys.


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## Matt308 (Apr 25, 2008)

WORLD WAR III IS COMING 





President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?' 



The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?' 



Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' 



The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' 



Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. 


The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? 


Why kill a blonde with big tits?' 



Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims'.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 25, 2008)

Damn thats funny!!


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## parsifal (Apr 26, 2008)

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy. "I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died ?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"


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## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2008)




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## k9kiwi (Apr 26, 2008)

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it, behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a smile and a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.

He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"


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## DOUGRD (Apr 27, 2008)

Speaking of little Johnny.... Off to school he goes. His teacher, Miss Rumblebutte asks the class to come up with a sentence using the word "fascinate". Little Mary raises her hand first. Miss Rumblebutte says "go ahead Mary" Mary stands and says "We went to Disney World and it was fascinating." That was a good sentence using the word fascinating but the word I wanted used was "Fascinate". Billy jumps up next and says" My dad told me a story about planes and I was fascinated." "Very good use of the word fascinated Billy but I said "Fascinate" said Miss Rumblebutte. Little Johnny is almost bouncing out of his seat, waving his hand. Fearing the worst Miss Rumblebutte reluctantly calls on him. Little Johnny stands and says " My aunt Rosy has a red sweater with twelve buttons but because her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 27, 2008)

Funny stuff


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## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2008)




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## syscom3 (Apr 27, 2008)

This is good.


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## Wurger (Apr 27, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2008)

Good one!..


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## DOUGRD (Apr 27, 2008)

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7 I'm out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message.

8 I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a dam*

12 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

13 Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.

14 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

15 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

16 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

18 Do I look like a people person?

19 This isn't an office, it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.

20 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

21 If I throw a stick will you leave?

22 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

24 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

25 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

27 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28 Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is done.

29 Who lit the fuse on your Tampon?

30 Oh I get it...like humor, but different.


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## DOUGRD (Apr 27, 2008)

Q: How do you get Holy Water?
A: You boil the Hell out of it.

Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A: DAM!

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? 
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand?
A: Quatro Sinko

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frost bite.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: It scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
A: A bad golfer goes whack, DAM*!
A bad sky diver goes DAM*, whack!

Q: What do you call sky diving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, BANG, BANG, clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Q: What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 28, 2008)




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## Konigstiger205 (Apr 28, 2008)




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## Njaco (Apr 28, 2008)




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## hurricanemk2 (Apr 28, 2008)

Sorry if this one's on here but it made me chuckle :

Little Billy and little Sarah are walking home from school when Billy needs to take a p*ss . So off he goes behind a tree and gets down to what needs doing . 
Suddenly little Sarah comes round , looks at his tool and says :
" My dad's got 2 of those . "
Little Billy looks at her and says 
" He cant have I've only got one . "
Sarah says 
" Listen here Billy I'm telling you my dad's got 2 of those . "
Billy looks at her and says 
" He can't have 2 , i've only got one and my dad's only got one . How the hell can your dad have 2 ! "
Little Sarah says 
" Easy , a little one for p*ssing with and a big one for cleaning Mummy's teeth ! " 

OK lame I know but thats cutting edge humour in Wales .


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## Lucky13 (Apr 28, 2008)

LMAO!


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## Wurger (Apr 28, 2008)




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## A4K (Apr 28, 2008)

...and love those 'camel toads',Syscom...!


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## v2 (Apr 29, 2008)

Married Life
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild love all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'


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## hurricanemk2 (Apr 30, 2008)

A man driving through London gets caught up in a traffic jam . As he waits for the traffic to move on a man comes up and knocks on his window . So he winds it down and says :
" Whats up ? bad rta is it ? "
The other fella says :
" No , it's just come over the radio that terrorists have kidnapped George W Bush and Tony Blair , and if they don't get $ 100 million as a ransom they're going to douse them with gas and set fire to them . So we're having a collection! "
The driver says : 
" Thats terrible , how much are people giving ? "
And the man says : 
" Oh about a gallon ! "


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## A4K (Apr 30, 2008)

Great ones guys!   


"What is bigamy? - It is having one wife too many.
What is monogamy? - The same"

- Oscar Wilde


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## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2008)

Excellent...

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the bl**dy Pope as a chauffeur!'


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## A4K (Apr 30, 2008)

So that one made it down under..! I'd only heard it in Hungarian before now!


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## DOUGRD (Apr 30, 2008)




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## hurricanemk2 (May 1, 2008)

Old fella walking through the mall in his home town is shocked to see a punk rocker with a yellow , red , blue , green , mauve and black mohican coming towards him . 
The punk meets his stare and shouts :
" What's up with you , you old fart ? Never done anything wild in your sad life ? "
The old chat looks at him and replies : 
" Well I once f*cked a Peacock when I was in the army ."
" And , so what ! " Shouts the punk .
And the old fella says :
" I was wondering if you were my son ."


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## hurricanemk2 (May 1, 2008)

loving the pope gag .


----------



## Wayne Little (May 2, 2008)




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## v2 (May 2, 2008)

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. 

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. 

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." 

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. 

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."


----------



## syscom3 (May 2, 2008)

New Towns in Iraqi
Now that Uncle Sam has come to Iraq and reorganized the landscape (courtesy of B-1's, B-2's, B-52's, TLAMs, F-14's, F-15's, F-16's, F/A-18's, Tornados, Harriers, F-117's, and field artillery), the idigenous population has renamed some of their towns. These new names include:
*Wherz-Myroof
*Mykamel-Izded
*OKraph-Dissizbad
*Waddi-El-Izgowinon
*Pleez-Ztopdibomin
*Kizz-Yerbuht-Goodbi
*Ikantstan-Disnomore
*Wha-tin HelWazi Tinkin
*Myturbin-Izburnin

Army Fashion
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English officer. He was taken to their headquarters, where the French general began to question him.
"Tell me," the General asked, "why do you English wear red coats? Don't you know the red color makes you easy targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way the captured officer informed the general that English officers wore red coats so that if they were shot, the blood wouldn't show and the men they were leading wouldn't panic.
Which is why, even today, French Army officers wear brown pants.


----------



## Wayne Little (May 3, 2008)

Nice Sys....


----------



## wilbur1 (May 3, 2008)

Good ones sys! brown pants ha


----------



## Matt308 (May 3, 2008)

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...









Sum Ting Wong


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## DOUGRD (May 4, 2008)

Syscom ..."French Army Fashion"   

MATT...Ditto!!!


----------



## v2 (May 4, 2008)

New Corvette

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. 

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. 

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go. 

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.' 

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.


----------



## wilbur1 (May 4, 2008)

Thats hillarious v2


----------



## Wayne Little (May 4, 2008)

Thats excellent V2..


----------



## Wurger (May 4, 2008)

Excellent V2.  

Early in the morning a proffesional soldier is going out home to be at work.His wife who usually makes his breakfast and the second one is kissing him before he will leave. He looks at her and says:

Darling, clean our home up,wash my clothes,iron my shirts, cook a very good dinner,buy a newspaper and do shopping today.

The lady looks at him smiling and says "Tell me the magic word my dear".

The man is getting an attention position and says "Go"


----------



## v2 (May 5, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (May 5, 2008)

A good old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone Southern Baptist tent revival was going on late one hot summer evening. The preacher was really into his sermon, whipping the congregation into a frenzy, when all of a sudden the pulpit explodes! Startled revival-goers stare as the smoke clears...revealing Satan, standing with arms crossed, laughing as a swarm of demons pours from the crater. Pandemonium ensues, naturally, as everyone scrambles for the nearest exit, window, airconditioning vent, or little silver hip-flask. Satan, of course, is loving it all, until he notices a little old man sitting about a half-dozen pews back, hands calmly folded over the top of his cane, seemingly oblivious to the mahem around him. _This should be fun_, Satan thinks, and stomps his fiery way down the aisle, scattering decons and demons alike in his path. 

"*DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM*?" he screams at the man.

"Yep," comes the response.

"*AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO YOU*?" Satan continues.

"Yep."

"*AND DO YOU FEAR ME NOW*?"

"Nope."

This completely throws Satan for a loop. Nearby demons cease their torments, torn between wanting to hear the reply, and fearful of the wrath it most certainly will cause. "*Why not*?" Satan asks, perplexed.

"Been married to yer sister for 45 years now."


----------



## Matt308 (May 5, 2008)

.


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## Wurger (May 5, 2008)

Matt, what an expression.


----------



## hurricanemk2 (May 6, 2008)

Priceless .


----------



## hurricanemk2 (May 6, 2008)

A teacher walks in to her classroom of 6 year olds after the summer break . 

" Good morning children . Today we will tell the class what we did on our holidays . "

Little Sarah puts her hand up and says :
" Well miss we went to see my Nana . "

Teacher says :
" No Sarah you went to see your Grandmother . You're 6 now so please used adult words ." 

So Sarah says : 
" Sorry miss . We went to see my Grandmother . "

Little Billy puts shis hand up and says : 
" Well Miss , I went on a Choo Choo to the mountains . "

Teacher again says :
" Please use adult words Billy , you went on a train . "

Billy says : 
" Sorry Miss , I went on a train to the mountains . "

Tom sitting at the back of the classroom put his hand up and said :
" Well Miss , my Dad bought a new vroom vroom for my Mum . "

Again teacher says :
" Class we must use adult words we're babies any more . He bought a car for your Mum . "

Tom says :
" Yes Miss , Dad bought Mum a new car . " 

So it goes on till the whole class has told what they did during the holiday apart from Chloe . 

Chloe says :
" My Mum got me a new book Miss . "

Teacher asks :
" That's nice , what was the book ? "

Chloe thimks for a second and says :
" Winnie the **** , By A.A. Milne ! "


----------



## Wurger (May 6, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 7, 2008)

I'm with you Wurger...


----------



## hurricanemk2 (May 8, 2008)

Two nuns are out taking a drive through the sweet Welsh conutryside . 

As they pull up to a junction there is a big red flash and a cloud of red smoke . The driver slams on the brakes and screeches to a stop . 

As the smoke clears the nuns are horrified to see Satan sat on the bonnet of the car . 

The first nun screams :
" Sister sister ! , thats Satan what shall we do ? !! "

The second nun says calmly :
" Oh Sister Agnes , just wind down your window and show him your cross . "

With that the first nun winds down her window and shouts :
" Oy Satan , F*ck off !!!! "


----------



## hurricanemk2 (May 8, 2008)

Mean while back at the convent .

Mother superior calls 4 nuns into her office .

Mother superior says to the 1st nun :
" Sister Agnes it's reach my attention that you saw the vicars penis . "

Sister Agnes says :
" Yes mother superior . "

Mother Superior says : 
" Right , you'll go to the font and wash your eyes in holy water . "

Then to the 2nd nun :
" Sister Angela , it's reached my attention that you touched the vicars penis ."

Sister Angela says :
" Yes mother superior . "

Mother superior says :
" Right , you'll go to the font and wash your hands in holy water . "

With that the other 2 nuns start fighting to get to the font . Kicking , biting , punching and hair pulling . 

Mother Superior shouts :
" Sisters , sisters ! What is the meaning of this behaviour !! "

And the 3rd nun says :
"Listen here , if you think I'm going to gargle after shes washed her ar*e !! "


----------



## Wurger (May 8, 2008)




----------



## Njaco (May 8, 2008)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T 


I used to like Eric.............


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## hurricanemk2 (May 9, 2008)

We used to send our sprog medics around the different sections at RAF Coningsby to get signatures for an ID 10 T combat id card . The last place they had to go was the Ground Photo section to get a photo done of them wearing a respirator . We had to stop it eventually as one little darling got his Mum to complain to the M.O.


----------



## Wayne Little (May 9, 2008)




----------



## A4K (May 9, 2008)

With Wayne, for Njaco and Hurricane..   

Hurricane, that one belongs in the 'Your silly, hillarious or humorous military stories' thread..!


----------



## RabidAlien (May 9, 2008)

A priest was hearing confessions one day, when all of a sudden his Mexican lunch caught up with him. The man in the confessional booth was known to be rather long-winded, so in desperation the priest glanced out of the booth to see if he could find a stand-in. The only person nearby was the janitor. 

"Bob! Hey, Bob! C'mere, quick! I need you to sit here for awhile," the priest whispered as loudly as he dared.

Bob, of course, came over. "I dunno, Father...are ya sure its alright? I wouldn't know what to do!"

"Oh, its easy....you just nod, grunt on occasion, and then give 10 Hail Mary's at the end. Besides, I'll be back soon."

Hesitantly, Bob agreed, and the priest ran off. The man in the confessional ended his dialoge, and Bob gave him 10 Hail Mary's. The man thanked him and left.

"Hey...this ain't so hard!" Bob realized.

A lady soon appeared in the booth. Bob went through the routine a little more confidently this time, and soon she was on her way. This went on for some time, until the inevitable happened: Bob got someone confessing a really bad sin. All of a sudden, the job is no longer quite so easy! Needing help, Bob stuck his head out of the booth, looking for some wisdom and advice. The only person within earshot was an altar boy.

"Pssst! Hey! I need some help here! I'm in over my head! What does the good Father usually give for sodomy???"

The altar boy looked at him for a moment before replying: "Usually a Coke and two Snickers."


----------



## Matt308 (May 9, 2008)

George Bush is busy in the oval office rearranging his desk pens.

In walks the National Security Advisor with a dour look on his face.

Bush asks "What's wrong? Jenna's cake coordinator not show up?"

"No Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers lost their lives today."

"Oh dear Lord!", and Bush covers his face with his palms, tears streaming down his face, hands trembling, "How many in a brazillion?"


----------



## RabidAlien (May 10, 2008)

Heh....I thought about posting that one, but couldn't remember the exact wording! 


(this one harkens back to the Clinton regiem.....er.....administration)

One day Bill Clinton walks out of the White House and, to his horror, notices a message that someone had peed into a nearby snowbank: the words read "IMPEACH CLINTON!!!"

Furious, he called the head of his Secret Service detail, the directors of the FBI and CIA, and charged them with finding out who it was that had written such a blasphemous statement in the snow. 

A week later, the heads of the various departments all returned to the Oval Office. 

"Sir, we've got some good news and some bad news concerning the message in the snow," they informed the President.

"Well, good news first!" he cried.

"The good news is, through a complicated DNA analysis of the urine, we've determined that the supplier was none other than Al Gore." 

"Treason! I'll have him fired for this!" ranted Clinton. "What's the bad news?"

"Well, sir.....the handwriting is Chelsea's."


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## Konigstiger205 (May 10, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (May 10, 2008)




----------



## k9kiwi (May 10, 2008)

Now let me get this straight. 

Bill Clinton is paid $12 Million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for 
hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, 

Who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't 
remember anything.


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## Njaco (May 10, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 11, 2008)

*LOL*


----------



## Wayne Little (May 11, 2008)

Now that seems like a pretty fair statement..doesn't it??


----------



## Matt308 (May 11, 2008)

Goddammit, since when do the Kiwi's have a better handle on US politics than us slovenly Americans!?!? 

Good one K9.


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## trackend (May 17, 2008)

I had an uncle who died in a POW camp 
He tripped over his Alsatian and fell out of the guard tower.


----------



## v2 (May 17, 2008)

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked
with an old rancher. 
He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water
allocation.'
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. 
See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on
any agricultural land. 
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?' The old rancher nodded politely and went about his
chores. 
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep
running for the fence.....and close behind was the rancher's bull. 
The bull was gaining on the
Water Rep with every step.The Rep was clearly terrified...... so the
old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and
shouted out..... 

_'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'_


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## Wurger (May 17, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (May 17, 2008)

Excellent!


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## Wildcat (May 18, 2008)

Good one!!


----------



## v2 (May 18, 2008)

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates,
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those
Clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
Never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
Twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'

'Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?' asked the man.

'Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'


----------



## Wurger (May 18, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 19, 2008)




----------



## Njaco (May 19, 2008)

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? 
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... 

*FIRST TESTIMONY*: 
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, _'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?_' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. 
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. 

*SECOND TESTIMONY*: 
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, _'I think I like playing with mens balls'_. 

*THIRD TESTIMONY*: 
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, _'No__, I'm just looking at your nuts._' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 

*FOURTH TESTIMONY* : 
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of  and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving _'right now' _she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, _'If __you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!_' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. 

*FIFTH TESTIMONY*: 
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said _'No'_. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, _'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,_' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, '_Danny_ _did you have an accident_?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled _'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!_' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 

*LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY*: 
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: _'So __Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?_' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! 

Now, didn't that feel good?


----------



## RabidAlien (May 20, 2008)

*****ROTFLMBO!!!*****


----------



## Matt308 (May 20, 2008)

I'm laughing my @ss off with my wife reading these!!!!


----------



## syscom3 (May 21, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 21, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> I'm laughing my @ss off with my wife reading these!!!!



Ditto here too!!!


----------



## DOUGRD (May 22, 2008)

Chris, I had to log on just so I could tell you these are the best entries on this thread so far...bar none!!!!!


----------



## Njaco (May 22, 2008)

I got that in an email and I have a haunting suspcion that they're true!


----------



## Konigstiger205 (May 22, 2008)

Funny stuff Njaco


----------



## Njaco (May 23, 2008)

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." 

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." 

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." 
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." 

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." 

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."


----------



## RabidAlien (May 23, 2008)

*LOL*


----------



## RabidAlien (May 23, 2008)

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts
around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going.'

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old guy says, 'Doesn't matter - let's look for yours.'


----------



## Konigstiger205 (May 23, 2008)




----------



## DOUGRD (May 23, 2008)

+


----------



## Njaco (May 24, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 24, 2008)

Joining the Chorus...


----------



## Matt308 (May 24, 2008)

>> A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout

>> looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation

>> and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you

>> charge?"

>> Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a

>> handjob."

>> Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob

>> is worth that kind of money!"

>> The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the

>> corner?"

>> "Yes."

>> "Do you see the Denny's about a block further

>> down?"

>> "Yes."

>> "And beyond that, do you see that third

>> Denny's?"

>> "Yes."

>> "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly,

>> "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob

>> that's worth $500."

>> The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only

>> live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the

>> hooker's offer.

>> They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the

>> guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just

>> experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of

>> $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob

>> is $1,000?"

>> The hooker replies, "$1,500."

>> "I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"

>> The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window,

>> big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I

>> own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a

>> blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."

>> The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific

>> handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or

>> so, and says, "Sign me up."

>> Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed

>> than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he

>> truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the

>> retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable

>> experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some

>> p#ssy?"

>> The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I

>> want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city

>> of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful

>> lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

>> "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the

>> whole city?"

>> "No," the hooker replies. "But I would if

>> I had a p#ssy."


----------



## RabidAlien (May 25, 2008)

**********ROTFLMBO!!!!!**********

*gasping for air* Oh holy crap, I didn't see that one coming!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (May 25, 2008)

OOOoops...


----------



## Aussie1001 (May 25, 2008)

Spits tea over moniter.... 
urrgh...


----------



## DOUGRD (May 26, 2008)

++ I didn't see it coming either!! Good one Matt!


----------



## Matt308 (May 26, 2008)

"Who put this d!ck on my back?"


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mc-3mXrNaE_


----------



## A4K (May 27, 2008)

You got me with the rest of the guys Matt! Great job to you and RA!


----------



## Cota1992 (May 27, 2008)

This happened on a flight ready to depart for Fresno , California .

Jack was sitting when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
'What's the matter?' Jack asked.

'I've been transferred to Fresno , there's nothing but crazy people there.

I hear they have a lot of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, illegals, poor public schools, crowded Wal-Marts, and a high crime rate' 

Jack replied, 'I've lived in Fresno all my life It's not as bad as the media says.

Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business and enroll your kids 
in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world.

The guy finally relaxed and said, 'Thank you.
I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, 
I'll take your word for it.
By the way, what do you do for a living?' 

'Me?' said Jack. 'I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.


----------



## Konigstiger205 (May 27, 2008)




----------



## v2 (May 27, 2008)

...


----------



## Wurger (May 27, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 28, 2008)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 30, 2008)

Found this quote....

“I'd rather see my sister in a whorehouse than my brother on a Jap bike”

I take it that the person doesn't like Jap bikes...


----------



## Wayne Little (May 30, 2008)

Sounds like it....


----------



## RabidAlien (May 31, 2008)

A cure for your wife's headaches:



A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
Bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache. 

'Perfect,' her husband said.
'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'


----------



## wilbur1 (May 31, 2008)

HOLY SH## thats freakin funny!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 1, 2008)




----------



## hurricanemk2 (Jun 3, 2008)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 4, 2008)

Eeeerrmmmm....NO!


----------



## hurricanemk2 (Jun 5, 2008)

Mother ! I've missed you !


----------



## v2 (Jun 5, 2008)

Let's Change Hillary!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2008)

Jeez...a mini bad*ss 

and Let's change Hillary...good one V2!


----------



## v2 (Jun 7, 2008)

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night. Mick, the bartender, says 'You'll not be drinking any more
tonight, Paddy.'


Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What the....' he
says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.


He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
'Dang!' he says.


He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door
and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the pavement and falls flat on his face.

'B'Jesus... I'm soused,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it.
He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the
door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No
flappin' way.'


But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, 'I
think
I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face again. He says, 'This is awful. I gotta stop
drinking,' but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.


The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?'

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was totally smashed. But how'd you know?'



'Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2008)

*LOL*


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 8, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 8, 2008)

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument 


Most of Australia 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.' 

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. 

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. 

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. 

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. 

Sincerely, 

Your Friend
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


----------



## DOUGRD (Jun 8, 2008)




----------



## Velius (Jun 9, 2008)

Ahhhhh, classic!


----------



## wilbur1 (Jun 9, 2008)

What a well trained boy you have there


----------



## Matt308 (Jun 9, 2008)

What is a post turtle?

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic
got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. 

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.' 

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him
what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're
driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle
balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.' 

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there
by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't
know what to do while he is up there, and you just
wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'


----------



## wilbur1 (Jun 9, 2008)

Great one matt


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 9, 2008)




----------



## Njaco (Jun 9, 2008)

Thats a great one Matt!!   

In the Beginning 

God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class
action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He
was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the
cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing,
God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He
replied that he just liked to be creative. 

Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would
come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire;
that he would obtain a building permit; and, to conserve energy, would
have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were
not interested in semantics. 

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society. 

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in
Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be 10 to 12 months before... 

At this point God created Hell.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 9, 2008)

Ha!!! Great one, NJaco! Reminds me of another one, too...


One day, Scientists decided that Man had advanced sufficiently enough that mankind no longer needed God. So they formed a committee to go tell Him of their decision.

"We don't need You anymore, God," they said. "We can now do anything through Science that You have done. And, we shall continue advancing our Science beyond Your miracles...therefore, You are obsolete."

"Obsolete, eh," God replied. "You can do anything I can do?"

"Anything."

"Well, then...as I happen to disagree with you on this point, I propose a little contest. A demonstration, if you will. You will create Life, using nothing but your own Science, and I will create Life, using nothing but My Own miracles. Whoever does it first, and best, shall win."

Science agreed, and settled down with their beakers and tubes and chemistry sets to create Life. Scooping up a bucket of soil rich in minerals and nutrients, they prepared to begin when God looked down and said "No, no....use your OWN dirt."


----------



## DOUGRD (Jun 9, 2008)

In a small cafe out in New Mexico, an old cowboy sat at the counter with a cup of coffee and a bowl of chili. He just sat there sipping his coffee and staring at the bowl of chili. A young cowhand enters and sits at the counter next to the old cowboy. He notices that the old gent isn't eating the chili and asks if he could have it. The old cowboy says "Help yourself." The younger man slids the bowl over and starts devouring the chili. Just as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he spies a dead mouse in the bowl. He stares at it for a moment and pukes up everything he just ate which surprisingly lands back in the bowl. The old cowboy looks over and says "That's about how far I got too."


----------



## DOUGRD (Jun 9, 2008)

An old motorcycle mechanic goes to the hospital for a checkup. After the checkup is over the doctor presents the old mechanic with the bill. "$400.00 for a checkup!" howls the old mechanic. "I don't know how you doctors get away with charging so much for doing next to nothing. Why I can take a motorcycle engine apart, take the fuel pump out, replace the needle valve and put it all back together in nothing flat and I don't charge nearly as much." The doctor looks him in the eye and replies "Try doing it while it's still running."


----------



## Njaco (Jun 10, 2008)

Good ones Doug!!


----------



## wilbur1 (Jun 10, 2008)

Good stuff guys


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 11, 2008)

great stuff Guys!


----------



## Wurger (Jun 12, 2008)

Hi guys,

Watching a documental film about Corsairs over Pacific I have found this.Notice the guy on right, please.What could he do at that moment.I thought he didn't like his commander at all.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 12, 2008)

*LOL* Man, that's an awesome pic!!!!


----------



## Wurger (Jun 12, 2008)

Yep, that is.
There are some additional.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 12, 2008)

Nice Wurger...well he sure isn't saluting!!


----------



## Wurger (Jun 12, 2008)

Undoubtedly.


----------



## Matt308 (Jun 12, 2008)

Wonder if he survived the war.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 13, 2008)

he could be looking for his samurai sword.....

Funny you should say that Matt, I often have that thought when watching war doco's...or even where are they now?


----------



## Wurger (Jun 13, 2008)

Or he could be fishing.....  

It is really interesting.Good question Matt and the same thoughts like Wayne's ones.


----------



## v2 (Jun 14, 2008)

Teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. 
She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' 

The teacher paused then asked the class: 

'And what do you think the man said?' 

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly 

...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f**k me!! A talking pig!'


----------



## Wurger (Jun 14, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 14, 2008)

Good one!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 14, 2008)

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 15, 2008)

Nice!! RA,,


----------



## Konigstiger205 (Jun 15, 2008)

Good one RA


----------



## DOUGRD (Jun 15, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 16, 2008)




----------



## DOUGRD (Jun 16, 2008)

Upon reaching his 21st birthday a young man declared that, like his father and grandfather before him, he was going to walk on water. He took the family row boat and rowed out to the middle of the lake. Once there he stood up and said "Today is my 21st birthday and like my father and my grandfather I will walk on water." He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. After he crawled back into the boat he rowed to shore and went to see his grandmother who was very wise. He said "Grandmother today is my 21st birthday and I tried to walk on water just like my father and my grandfather did on their 21st birthday but I stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. Why can't I walk on water like they did?" His grandmother shook her head sadly and replied "You forgot one important fact young one, they were both born in January, you were born in July."


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 17, 2008)

*LOL*


----------



## Wurger (Jun 17, 2008)




----------



## v2 (Jun 19, 2008)

WW 2 Axis color!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 19, 2008)

he's all yours granny!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 19, 2008)

BEST OUT OF OFFICE AUTOMATIC E-MAIL REPLIES

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve.





today'sTHOT============================

Common sense isn't.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 19, 2008)

Wonder whether I should use one of them tomorrow.... Thanks Rabid!


----------



## v2 (Jun 19, 2008)




----------



## Messy1 (Jun 19, 2008)

Anyone know what the difference is between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum?


The position of the dirt bag!


----------



## v2 (Jun 19, 2008)

Four old retired guys were walking down a street in Wickenburg , Arizona 
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...
Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying 'That's 40 cents, please'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own my own bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven men at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'


The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired airline pilots . They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.'


----------



## Wurger (Jun 19, 2008)




----------



## Matt308 (Jun 19, 2008)

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . 
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' . 
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'. 'Why it change?


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 19, 2008)

*LOL*


----------



## wilbur1 (Jun 19, 2008)

Great ones guys!


----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 20, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 20, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 20, 2008)




----------



## v2 (Jun 21, 2008)

A stranger was seated next to a little boy on the airplane when the
stranger turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little boy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles. 

'OK, ' he said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little boy's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little boy replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know this crap?


----------



## Wurger (Jun 21, 2008)




----------



## Wildcat (Jun 21, 2008)




----------



## Matt308 (Jun 21, 2008)

An oldie but goodie.


----------



## wilbur1 (Jun 21, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> An oldie but goodie.



Yup


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 22, 2008)

*LOL*


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 22, 2008)

Nice!


----------



## pete_madi (Jun 25, 2008)

just reading some jokes thats a pisser.


----------



## pete_madi (Jun 25, 2008)

air lingus flght into london heathrow. 
pilot:15 deg flaps
copilot:15 flaps
as the plane approaches nearer the runway
pilot:25 deg flaps
copilot:25 flaps
as the plane gets closer 
pilot:70 deg flaps
copilot:70 flaps
as the plane is nearly on the ground 
pilot:FULL FLAPS EMERGENCY FULL FLAPS!!!!!!!!!!!
as the plane pulls up sean turns to shamus and says
"typically british build a runway 3 miles wide but only twelve feet long"


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2008)

Damn British runways.....


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 25, 2008)

Heh! Version I heard of that one involved two rednecks....and they actually managed to set the plane down. *g* Still, a classic!


----------



## Wurger (Jun 26, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 26, 2008)

Anybody going to Robbie Knievel's nat'l tour this year? He's trying to hit every mid-sized and larger city in the US with feats of aerobatics and stunts to awe and wow the crowds, and for the finale, he's gonna put anything his Dad did to shame: he's going to jump 500 Obama supporters, riding a bulldozer.....





(I've bought tickets for every Texas showing....)


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 27, 2008)

This old fisherman would go out in his boat every morning and come back about an hour later with a cooler filled with fish. The game warden got suspicious as to how the old guy always caught so many fish in such a short time. So he invited himself fishing with the old guy.

They went to the middle of the lake, the old guy pulls out a stick of dynamite and throws it overboard. Boom! Fish start floating to the surface and the old guy starts scooping them up in his net.

The game warden says, "You can't do that. It's illegal."

The old guy quietly lights another stick of dynamite, hands it to the game warden and says, "You gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"


----------



## wilbur1 (Jun 27, 2008)

Good ones rabid


----------



## Matt308 (Jun 27, 2008)

Quote from Willie Nelson (American cannibus smoking country singer) on his 75th birthday...

"I have outlived my D!ck"


----------



## Njaco (Jun 29, 2008)

Prison vs Work 
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. 


@ PRISON = You spend the majority of your time in a 110 cell 
@ WORK = You spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office 

@ PRISON = You get three meals a day fully paid for 
@ WORK = you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it 

@ PRISON = You get time off for good behavior 
@ WORK = you get more work for good behavior 

@ PRISON = The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you 
@ WORK = You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself 

@ PRISON = You can watch TV and play games 
@ WORK = you could get fired for watching TV and playing games 

@ PRISON = You get your own toilet 
@ WORK = You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat 

@ PRISON = They allow your family and friends to visit 
@ WORK = You aren't even supposed to speak to your family 

@ PRISON = All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required 
@ WORK = You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners 

@ PRISON = You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out 
@ WORK = You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars 

@ PRISON = You must deal with sadistic wardens 
@ WORK = They are called managers 

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check forums!


----------



## wilbur1 (Jun 29, 2008)

Thats funny NJ


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm now contemplating a life of crime. Thanks, NJ.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 30, 2008)

great stuff Guys!!


----------



## v2 (Jul 1, 2008)

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have sh|t in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."


----------



## Wurger (Jul 1, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 2, 2008)

Excellent!!


----------



## wilbur1 (Jul 2, 2008)

Hell ya good one v2


----------



## Thorlifter (Jul 2, 2008)

Made me laugh V2. Thanks


----------



## v2 (Jul 4, 2008)

3 engineers go on site to measure how high a communications pole is. An arrival they discover that there is no crane, ladder or scaffolding to get up on to measure it. 

“Now what do we do?” asked one of the engineers

“Well I’ll phone the office and get someone to organize a crane to come out here” said the second engineer

Later a blonde was walking past, “Hey, for a laugh, why don’t we ask this blonde how we could measure it” one of the engineers said.

“Excuse me miss” asked the engineer

“Yes, can I help you “ the blonde inquired

“Yes, we need to measure the height of this pole is and there is no crane here, can you suggest how we might do it?”

After looking at the pole the blonde says,

“Well, why don’t undo the 4 nuts at the bottom and lay the pole down and measure the length of it and then put it back up and tighten the nuts back up” with that the blonde walks off.

“See” the first engineer says, “Typical blonde we need to know how high it is not how long!”


----------



## wilbur1 (Jul 4, 2008)

Thats funny


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 4, 2008)




----------



## JugBR (Jul 4, 2008)

hows called a blonde that paints black her hair ?
artificial inteligence

hows called a blonde with a brain ?
pregnat

why blondes dont eat bananas ?
they couldnt find the zipper

hows the blonde tryed to kill the bird ?
throwin it by the window

what do you say for a girl wiyhout arms and legs ?
gee whatta boobs

you liked ? great !!! you dont ?


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 4, 2008)

Three engineers are discussing God one day at lunch.

"He's got to be an electrical engineer," said the electrical engineer. "Who else could design the nervous system?"

"Nope, He's a mechanical engineer," rebutted the mechanical engineer. "Just look at the bone structure and joints and ligaments!"

"Y'all're all wrong, He's a civil engineer," drawled the civil engineer. "Who else would run a sewage pipe through a perfectly good recreational area?"



(think about it for a second)


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 5, 2008)




----------



## wilbur1 (Jul 5, 2008)

Good one rabid


----------



## Wurger (Jul 6, 2008)

Yep.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 8, 2008)

Now who said programmers don't have a sense of humor?




Ten most popular statements of Klingon Software Developers

1. Only weak and frightened creatures use specifications!
2. Indention of code? I will indent your head!
3. Software releases? We do not release software... we open the cage to let our software create a bloody trace of testers and quality managers.
4. Klingon method calls do not have parameter values... they have strong ARGUMENTS... do not dare to contradict!
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug... our software is not intended to pamper users.
6. I have beaten the department of technical quality management in a Bat-Leth duel. They will never again disturb us.
7. True Klingon software developers do not comment their code.
8. This draft requirement list affronts the honor of my family. Prepare yourself to die!
9. You wonder about my code's meaning? I should kill you right now, simply, without any answer...
10. Our users will use our software with fear and respect. Let our program run! Let it run and hunt the users until they are escaping like chicken-hearted creatures.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 10, 2008)

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?' 
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' 
Husband: 'How does that help?' 
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2008)

Confident vs. Confidential....

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' 
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'


----------



## pete_madi (Jul 12, 2008)

young fella working on a farm has to take some goods to market,about 1 hour after he leaves the old farmer gets a call
old farmer:eh whats up?
young farmer:i ran over a pig and his stuck under the truck and still alive, what do i do?
old farmer: pull it out and shot it then bury it that way no one will know,ok?
well a hour passes and the phone rings again.
o/farmer:did you do as i said?
y/farmer:sure did,but one question what do i do with his speed camera


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2008)




----------



## Aussie1001 (Jul 12, 2008)

good one guys that last one i was dam good.
And whats with the Bob Hawke impersonation ????


----------



## Aussie1001 (Jul 12, 2008)

Some are a bit rude tell me if they are really bad and i'll take them out..

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air. 

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone." 

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore." 

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . " 


Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering? 
A: Shoot her again. 

Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine? 
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it! 

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2008)

Ooooooh!...careful....  

...time will tell if your in it up to your armpits!!


----------



## Aussie1001 (Jul 12, 2008)

yeah i wasn't sure i'll take that granny one out thats just wrong....

however this is good..
Joey and Katie are sitting in school. 

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question. 

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. 

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie. 

"Correct." Says the teacher. 

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims. 

"Correct again." Says the teacher. 

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?" 

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 13, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2008)

Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without 
Information Fighting Everytime'!' 

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'


----------



## Matt308 (Jul 15, 2008)

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really

Sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That

Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel 
great.

I be at work soon........ You got nice house."


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 15, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 15, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2008)

Brilliant...


----------



## spit5 (Jul 16, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2008)

Hey Roman!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 16, 2008)

*LOL* Good one, Spit!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 17, 2008)

A couple of good mates, a Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie "If I was to sneak over to your
house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."


----------



## v2 (Jul 17, 2008)

An American arrives at London's Heathrow Airport.
He fills out the form and the customs officer asks:
- Occupation?
- No, just visiting!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 17, 2008)




----------



## wilbur1 (Jul 17, 2008)

Good ones


----------



## Velius (Jul 17, 2008)

Rules of Flying 

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
(Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. 
(Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")

When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. 
(Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. 
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. 
(Bob Hoover)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. 
(Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing. 
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. 
(Paul F. Crickmore)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. 
(Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. 
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 18, 2008)

Excellent, Velius!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 19, 2008)

Good one...


----------



## Wurger (Jul 19, 2008)




----------



## Konigstiger205 (Jul 19, 2008)

Great stuff guys


----------



## v2 (Jul 19, 2008)

PAY RAISE

A Mexican house maid asked her American employer for a pay increase. 

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh. " 

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." 

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that?" Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did." 

SHE GOT THE RAISE


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 19, 2008)

*****ROTFLMBO!!!*****


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 20, 2008)




----------



## Njaco (Jul 20, 2008)

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms. 

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. 
He started thinking, _'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life!'_ He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. 

He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?' 
He said, 'I'm NOT happy . . . My balls itch!'


----------



## wilbur1 (Jul 20, 2008)

Now those are freakin funny!!!!!!!


----------



## spit5 (Jul 20, 2008)

MySpaceTV Videos: Top Gun: a requiem for Goose by Jordan


----------



## Wurger (Jul 20, 2008)




----------



## Njaco (Jul 20, 2008)

Spit, that was funny!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 20, 2008)

Spit, I'm frikkin cryin over here from laughin so hard! That was awesome!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 20, 2008)

Great stuff Spit!..


----------



## Matt308 (Jul 20, 2008)

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart,
time for you to retire.' 



The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me! 

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'



The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' 



The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop.' 



The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just
to be fair, I will give you a head start.' 



The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap. 



He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the
roosters running by. 

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. 



The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dangit!!..... third gay rooster I
bought this month.'


----------



## wilbur1 (Jul 20, 2008)

Ok now thats fuc##n funny as hell!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 20, 2008)

Smart is always better!


----------



## Matt308 (Jul 20, 2008)

Wow... really?... this MODERATOR sh!t is pretty good!


----------



## Njaco (Jul 20, 2008)

Oh my that was great! Should close the thread with that one! My gut hurts!


----------



## spit5 (Jul 21, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 21, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 21, 2008)

Good one, Matt! Didn't see it coming from that direction!!!


----------



## spit5 (Jul 21, 2008)

At the airport:

-Name?
-Abdul al-Rhazib.
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no...I mean male or female?
-Male, female, sometimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
-But isn't that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style!
-Oh dear!
-No, no! Deer runs too fast.


----------



## Henk (Jul 21, 2008)

He he he.... Nice one spit.

Matt I know the Afrikaans one. Love that joke.


----------



## Wurger (Jul 21, 2008)




----------



## Velius (Jul 21, 2008)

Kinda long but I think it has it's moments 8) 

McDonnell Douglas email

This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once). 
The 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too. 

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. 

Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will
help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 

1. Title/Name/Location 
[_] Mr. 
[_] Mrs. 
[_] Ms. 
[_] Miss 
[_] Lt. 
[_] Gen. 
[_] Comrade 
[_] Classified 
[_] Other 

First Name: ....................................... 

Initial: ....... 

Last Name:......................................... 

Password: .......................... (max. 8 char) 

Code Name:........................................ 

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ..................... 

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase? 
[_] F-14 Tomcat 
[_] F-15 Eagle 
[_] F-16 Falcon 
[_] F-117A Stealth 
[_] Classified 

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20......./......./...... 

4. Serial Number:................................. 

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: 
[_] Received as gift / aid package 
[_] Catalogue / showroom 
[_] Independent arms broker 
[_] Mail order 
[_] Discount store 
[_] Government surplus 
[_] Classified 

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased: 
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up 
[_] Store display 
[_] Espionage 
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally 
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer 
[_] Was attacked by one 

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: 
[_] Style / appearance 
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability 
[_] Price / value 
[_] Comfort / convenience 
[_] Kickback / bribe 
[_] Recommended by salesperson 
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation 
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems 
[_] Backroom politics 
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: 
[_] North America 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Aircraft carrier 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Europe 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Middle East (not Iraq) 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Africa 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Asia / Far East 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Misc. Third World countries 
[_] Iraq 
[_] Classified 
[_] Iraq 

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
in the near future: 
[_] Colour TV 
[_] VCR 
[_] ICBM 
[_] Killer Satellite 
[_] CD Player 
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles 
[_] Space Shuttle 
[_] Home Computer 
[_] Nuclear Weapon 

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that
apply) 
[_] Communist / Socialist 
[_] Terrorist 
[_] Crazed 
[_] Neutral 
[_] Democratic 
[_] Dictatorship 
[_] Corrupt 
[_] Primitive / Tribal 

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? 
[_] Deficit spending 
[_] Cash 
[_] Suitcases of cocaine 
[_] Oil revenues 
[_] Personal check 
[_] Credit card 
[_] Ransom money 
[_] Traveler's check 

12. Your occupation: 
[_] Homemaker 
[_] Sales / marketing 
[_] Revolutionary 
[_] Clerical 
[_] Mercenary 
[_] Tyrant 
[_] Middle management 
[_] Eccentric billionaire 
[_] Defence Minister / General 
[_] Retired 
[_] Student 

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy 
participating on a regular basis: 
[_] Golf 
[_] Sabotage 
[_] Boating / sailing 
[_] Running / jogging 
[_] Propaganda / misinformation 
[_] Destabilization / overthrow 
[_] Default on loans 
[_] Gardening 
[_] Crafts 
[_] Black market / smuggling 
[_] Collectibles / collections 
[_] Watching sports on TV 
[_] Wines 
[_] Interrogation / torture 
[_] Household pets 
[_] Crushing rebellions 
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance 
[_] Fashion clothing 
[_] Border disputes 
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction 

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia. 

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! 

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? 

Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department,
Military Aerospace Division 

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual 
addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is 
confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are
not the intended recipient any dissemination, distribution or copying of
this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and
constitutes an irritating social faux pas. 

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
borrowed time, let me tell you. 

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to
learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning
backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by
pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer, you can
ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this
email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a
warm oven for 40 minutes.


NOTICE AND DISCLAIMER:
This email (including attachments) is confidential. If you have received
this email in error please notify the sender immediately and delete this
email from your system without copying or disseminating it or placing any
reliance upon its contents. We cannot accept liability for any breaches of
confidence arising through use of email. Any opinions expressed in this
email (including attachments) are those of the author and do not necessarily
reflect our opinions. We will not accept responsibility for any commitments
made by our employees outside the scope of our business. We do not warrant
the accuracy or completeness of such information.


----------



## spit5 (Jul 21, 2008)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9i5X9Kam3c_
Sorry


----------



## Matt308 (Jul 21, 2008)

Not even sure what to click on there Spitty.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 22, 2008)

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'... 
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....


----------



## Wurger (Jul 22, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2008)

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed . 
He shoots his friend and kills him. 
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'


----------



## spit5 (Jul 23, 2008)

It must shoot for wife.
Probably, friends will not forgive


----------



## spit5 (Jul 23, 2008)

Neue Wunderwaffe


----------



## Wurger (Jul 23, 2008)




----------



## Njaco (Jul 23, 2008)

WOW!!!  

Whats that, a Feisler Opel?


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 23, 2008)

Yeah...but what kind of milage does it get? *G*


----------



## spit5 (Jul 23, 2008)

New version GAU-8/A


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2008)

spit5 said:


> Neue Wunderwaffe



Now.... what is the story behind that!!


----------



## syscom3 (Jul 24, 2008)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she tends to be more attracted to
men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 24, 2008)

Excellent!!..  ..even the Missus had a good laugh, think I should keep an eye on her.....


----------



## Wurger (Jul 24, 2008)

Undoubtedly....


----------



## spit5 (Jul 25, 2008)

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph.
Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.
Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed."


----------



## Konigstiger205 (Jul 25, 2008)

Great stuff guys!...love the one with the women study


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 25, 2008)

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding 
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken 
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He 
slams the door and returns to bed. 
"Who was that?" asked his wife. 
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. 
"Did you help him?" she asks. 
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring 
rain out there!" 
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you 
remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? 
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" 
"Yes," comes back the answer. 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. 
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. 
"Where are you?" asks the husband. 
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 25, 2008)

Good one...


----------



## ccheese (Jul 25, 2008)

I thought I would put this in the jokes section. I received this email:

Attn: Mr. Charles A. Cheeseman
It is our pleasure to inform you through this medium that Your
email address won a prize of 1,500,000.00 Euros in category 
A'lotto nl online promo. Ref.nr LSLUK/8161/08. Batch nr:14.

contact:Mr.L Freeman.
E-mail: [email protected], Tel/Fax:+31 847 549 511

Contact our prize claim agent by email or phone and quote the
numbers with Full names,Phone/Fax nos in your reply to your agent,
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs.K veldhuizen(co-ordinator)
Lotto - Home

Just how much is 1.5 million euros ?? What do I tell them when they want 
my SS number and my bank account number ? 
Golly-gee.... I'm rich.. 

Charles


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 25, 2008)

*LOL* Yeah...that _*is *_a funny one, CC!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 26, 2008)

If you pull the other one, i will fall off my chair...


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 26, 2008)

Heh....reply, and tell them that "unfortunately, due to the wide number of bank-account scams out there, you will be required to verify _their _bank account is a valid account. This should only take a day or two for your bank to process, at which point the proceedings may continue...."

....and then wipe the effer's clean.


----------



## Catch22 (Jul 26, 2008)

Excellent idea haha!


----------



## Wurger (Jul 26, 2008)




----------



## spit5 (Jul 27, 2008)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv4sQEKroa8_


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 27, 2008)




----------



## wilbur1 (Jul 27, 2008)

Poor easter bunny......kinda reminds me of the spammers that try to get on here


----------



## Wurger (Jul 27, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 28, 2008)




----------



## Aussie1001 (Jul 28, 2008)

good one although only lucky would put a pic of a bunny getten violated by a foot on here.


----------



## Wurger (Jul 28, 2008)

yea..he would only.The woman should be glad that it wasn't a hedgehog.


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 29, 2008)

For ALL the easter eggs that I never got....!!


----------



## Cota1992 (Jul 29, 2008)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.



The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.

'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.



'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.



'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.

'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.


'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round
this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

'I'm
a plasterer.

'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.



So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.



The same thing happens for two weeks.



Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.


'Get him to give me a call.

'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.

'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck.

'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.



'The circus?' repeats the duck.



'That's right,' replies the barman.



'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.



'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.



'Of course,' the barman replies.



'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.



'That's right!' says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . . . . .
















'What the f*@k would they want with a plasterer??!'


----------



## Cota1992 (Jul 29, 2008)

The Country Funeral 

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.

Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally 
arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. 
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 29, 2008)

BOTH are great!!!


----------



## Cota1992 (Jul 29, 2008)

I rear-ended a car this morning.




So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.




You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 30, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 30, 2008)

So wrong...yet so funny!!!


----------



## Matt308 (Jul 30, 2008)

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and asked, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'


----------



## Catch22 (Jul 30, 2008)

Hahahahaaha! That one was great!


----------



## Wurger (Jul 30, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 31, 2008)

Totally unexpected ending...   love it!!


----------



## Aussie1001 (Aug 2, 2008)

Read these the second one is not really funny but i didn't know where else to put it...
(July 2002) This story was told at a symposium dinner, by two Austrian pathologists who work together in Germany. A deceased male was brought to them for a post mortem. He had suffered severe head trauma. According to police reports, the man wanted to see how a German World War II hand grenade was constructed. His curiosity led him to clamp the grenade in a vise, and cut a thin band around the center with a circular saw, so that he would be able to crack open the two halves. Unfortunately, the man cut a little too deep, and detonated the grenade. The pathologists stated that the man had very little brain material when he was brought to them; however, they were not sure if that was a result of the explosion! 



(


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2008)

Aussie! you posted the same one twice??..


----------



## Aussie1001 (Aug 2, 2008)

shat. meant to post another hold on got it.
1 January 2002, Brazil) The game of Russian Roulette, long a breeding ground for natural selection, was improved upon by two men with a unique approach to self-destruction.
On New Year's Eve, Antonio and his friend were befogged by Pinga, a traditional Brazilian liquor, when they began playing a Russian Roulette variant using holiday fireworks. Their version of the game consisted of placing fireworks in their mouths, then lighting the fuses and competing to see who would delay longest before spitting out the firework.
The man, dare we call him "winner," who discarded the explosive closest to the point of detonation was the victor of this battle of wills.
Their blatant disregard for personal safety was matched only by their foolish bravery. Antonio was our winner, holding one of the fireworks in his mouth a bit too long, and thereby thereby earning praise for his "courage" at his funeral.


----------



## Aussie1001 (Aug 2, 2008)

this one is epic !!!
Doctors warn of a dangerous new method of cocaine abuse: injecting the drug directly into the urinary tract. Physicians from New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center reported the case of a 34-year-old man who suffered severe bleeding under the skin after pumping cocaine into his urethra. It led to complications that destroyed his penis, nine fingers, and parts of his legs. "They fill an eye dropper or a syringe with a cocaine solution and inject it into the penis," said Dr. Samuel Perry, a professor of clinical psychiatry.
The man had injected cocaine before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance. He was admitted to the hospital because his penis had remained erect for three days, resulting in a painful inability to urinate. The medical term for a prolonged erection is "priapism." On his third day in the hospital, the man's erection suddenly subsided. Over the next 12 hours, blood leaked into the tissues of his feet, hands, genitals, back and chest. Blood coagulation caused tissues to die over large areas of the patient's body, and he was transferred to the burn unit of New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center.

Doctors there were forced to amputate the man's legs above the knee and all but one of his fingers to stop the spread of gangrene. The patient's penis fell off by itself. The man is currently recovering in a rehabilitation facility.

Men who inject cocaine into the penis report that it gives them a sexual high. Drug abuse treatment experts have previously reported external use of cocaine as a sexual stimulant. Cocaine powder is rubbed onto the surface of the genital organs by both men and women in an effort to halt premature ejacuation or improve sexual sensations.

"We report this case to alert clinicians to this new method of cocaine abuse and to describe its rare and previously unreported complications," the doctors concluded.


----------



## ScOoTeR1992 (Aug 2, 2008)

that is sick and twisted, god there are messed up people in this world


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2008)

probably should be in the darwin awards thread....???


----------



## Aussie1001 (Aug 2, 2008)

probably here is one more this one's a good un

1997, Canada) A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it "looked like baking powder." The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2008)

Now thats funny....


----------



## Aussie1001 (Aug 2, 2008)

it's a good thing that some of these guys are removed from the gene pool.
did you hear the one where robbers tried to cut their way into a fireworks storehouse with an oxy torch ?
true story


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2008)

Another Darwin award nominee..


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 2, 2008)

*LOL* Called the cops to complain about buying fake drugs....now that's classic!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2008)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2008)

Murphy's Law.

Mr.Murphys laws were obviously compiled by an expert in such fields. The origin of Mr. Murphy remains somewhat of a mystery however, and it is also possible that he may have been related to a person with the name of Sod. Possibly a brother but in either case connections with Ireland cannot be ruled out.

This intelligent race of people have produced many experts in many fields over the years and amongst them appears to be Mr. Murphy.

What became of Mr. Murphy appears also to remain a mystery. The consensus of opinion seems to be that he possibly fell victim to one or more of his own laws, some examples of which follow......

Murphy's Law states that.
If something can go wrong it will,.... usually at the most inopportune moment.

Murphy's Law states that.
A dropped tool or component will always fall in the place where it can do the most damage.

Murphy's Law states that.
The failure rate of a component, part, or sub assembly, is inversely proportional to its ease of repair or replacement.

Murphy's Law states that.
The failure rate of a component, part, or sub assembly, is inversely proportional to its cost and availability.

Murphy's Law states that.
When something has been stripped down for repair, and then re-assembled, extra components will always be found afterwards.

Murphy's Law states that.
If you arrive at a bus or train departure point, the one you want will always just have gone.

Murphy's Law states that.
Motor vehicle windscreen wipers only break down when it is raining.

Murphy's Law states that.
If you have a hole in your shoe and it is raining, the one with the hole in it will always find a puddle first.

Murphy's Law states that.
A piece of bread or toast, when in free fall, will always land buttered side downwards.

Murphy's Law states that.
When you put something important away in a safe place, when the time comes to retrieve it, that will be the last place you will look for it, if indeed you ever find it again.

Murphy's Law states that.
It will either rain or go dark before morning, and sometimes both will occur.

Murphy's Law states that.
After moving house, the thing that you want most will be the last thing that you un-pack and usually at the very bottom of a large pile of other stuff.

Murphy's Law states that.
When you wish to attract attention it is virtually impossible to do so. The inverse also applies, that is when you do not wish to attract attention it is virtually impossible to get rid of it.

Murphy's Law states that.
To err is human, but to really foul-up you need a computer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can't remember the name of the law that says, if you throw something away, the next thing you know, is that you need it...


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## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2008)

*Posh Names*

Visual improvement consultant. ________ Window Cleaner.

Garbologist. ________ Dustman.

Transport control executive. _________ Car park attendant.

Electronic communications operative. _________ Telephonist.

News and media distributor. _________ Paperboy.

Container contents control operative. _________ Barmaid.

------------------------------------------------------------- 

*New administration element discovered.*
Investigators at a major research institution have recently discovered the heaviest element known to science.
This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having the atomic weight of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganisation, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
You will know it when you see it.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2008)

Food for thought!!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 2, 2008)

*LOL* The bit about "needing it after you throw it away" is 

Definition of "Junk": An item you keep for many years (usually six or more), and throw away two weeks before needing it.




Oversee the Transfer of Volatile Liquids from Underground Storage Facility to Mobile Transport Units -- Pump Gas.


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 4, 2008)

...and I thought only US politicians could be so....vague and lacking in knowledge:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKg_


----------



## fly boy (Aug 4, 2008)

trackend said:


> A few bits of trivia
> 
> Well, I never knew that !!!!
> 
> ...



ahhhhhhhhhhh my head hurts


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 4, 2008)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvQJsYnkNhA_


----------



## ToughOmbre (Aug 4, 2008)

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender looks up and says.... 

"So why the long face."

TO


----------



## fly boy (Aug 4, 2008)

ToughOmbre said:


> Horse walks into a bar.
> 
> Bartender looks up and says....
> 
> ...



boooooooo


----------



## Wurger (Aug 5, 2008)




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## fly boy (Aug 5, 2008)

wurger i agree with the name under your username


----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 6, 2008)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Aug 6, 2008)

Two cheeseburgers walk into a bar.

Bartender throws them out, says "We don't serve food here!"

TO


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## Lucky13 (Aug 6, 2008)

(yawn)


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## Wurger (Aug 6, 2008)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Aug 6, 2008)

Lucky13 said:


> (yawn)



Yea, I know. I get the same response from my daughter.  

TO


----------



## Bucksnort101 (Aug 6, 2008)

For TO...

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bar tender:

"can I get a ..........

(big gap)

...... beer ?"

and the barman says "Hey Bear, why the long pause?"

Haw Haw Haw Haw, Haw Haw Haw Haw.


----------



## Thorlifter (Aug 6, 2008)

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,

"I'd like a beer and a mop"


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 6, 2008)

Two guys walk into a bar. 

You'd think the second one would've seen it.


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## Aussie1001 (Aug 6, 2008)

good one mate didn't see that one coming.


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 6, 2008)




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## Henk (Aug 7, 2008)

A old lady walk down the street in a town in SA with two black bags. A policeman see that there is twenty rand notes falling out of the one bag. He stops her and tell her that there is money falling out of the one bag and ask her where she got so much money. She ten explain that she lives next to a football/soccer stadium and every half time the bastards will pee through the bushes surrounding her garden. So she would stand with a bush trimmer and hold it up to their manhood and tell them twenty rand or I cut it off. The policeman tell her that is pretty clever, but what is the second bag for? She ten tell him that not all of them want to pay.


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 7, 2008)

and the moral of that story......


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 7, 2008)

Ouch!!! 

Moral of the story: don't piss off grandma!


----------



## Wurger (Aug 9, 2008)

A guy was going by a coach.It was late in the evening and started getting darker.So he used a lash to pinch.Hit the animal ass and the horse looked at him only.The second hit made the animal running faster.Shortly the horse tripped up.The guy used the whip again.The horse looked at him again but nothing done.A few minutes later the next stumble occured and the guy hit the horse using all his strength.The animal turned its head towards him and said:
- If you hit me once again, I'll hit you with my hoof you will lose your teeth.
The guy thunderstruck shouted - I have never seen the talking horse.
A dog running out from the carriage burst out - Me too....


----------



## Wurger (Aug 9, 2008)

.


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 9, 2008)

Share one with a friend...


----------



## Wurger (Aug 9, 2008)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 9, 2008)

Guinness has always had the best beer adverts imho...


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 9, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Aug 9, 2008)

Was that actually broadcast on TV in Europe? South America? Asia? Or just another great "internets" commercial never to see the light of day.

I can assure you that if that was broadcast on TV here, there would be $million fines, outrage, front page news, and the extreme right gnashing their teeth. I can tell you that if that came on my TV in front of my kids, I would have went ballistic. Funnier than $hit though!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 10, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Aug 10, 2008)

Thats freakin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Cota1992 (Aug 12, 2008)

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.




The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.





One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.





The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab.



" 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2008)

I was walking in a cemetery earlier today and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "Morning"
He replied, "No, just talking a sh*t"

At the age of six I was left an orphan.
What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?

I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "No Chance". Then I was told it was for blind kids and I thought, "Hold on, I could win that".


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## RabidAlien (Aug 13, 2008)

to both of y'all!


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2008)

You Guys!!!!


----------



## Wurger (Aug 13, 2008)




----------



## syscom3 (Aug 15, 2008)

World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC - Yahoo! News

LONDON (Reuters) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

"Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.

"What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."

The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.

(Reporting by John Joseph; Editing by Steve Addison)


----------



## Cota1992 (Aug 16, 2008)

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 17, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 17, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 18, 2008)

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?' 

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'


----------



## Wurger (Aug 18, 2008)

From a dog trainer's diary....

The first day of training : A dog p***ed a carpet.I took its mouth into its p*** and threw the dog by a window.

The second day of training : The dog p***ed the carpet.I took its mouth into its p*** and threw the dog by the window.

The third day of training : The dog p***ed the carpet.I took its mouth into its p*** and threw the dog by the window.

The fourth day of training : The dog p***ed the carpet.Then it took its mouth into its p*** and jumped out through the window.


----------



## ToughOmbre (Aug 18, 2008)

Q. Why will Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.

If it's not that funny, at least it's true.

TO


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 18, 2008)

Q: What do hurricanes in Florida, tornadoes in Oklahoma, and divorces in Arkansas all have in common?

A: No matter how bad the aftermath, _somebody's _losing a trailerhouse.


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 19, 2008)




----------



## Cota1992 (Aug 20, 2008)

RabidAlien said:


> Q: What do hurricanes in Florida, tornadoes in Oklahoma, and divorces in Arkansas all have in common?
> 
> A: No matter how bad the aftermath, _somebody's _losing a trailerhouse.




LOL! I sent that to my best friend last year in OK and found out a few hours later she read it while under a tornado warning....


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 20, 2008)

Timing is everything!!!


----------



## Wurger (Aug 20, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 22, 2008)

At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that's the one.”

“Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Senor Rod...”

“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!”

“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE... LONG SILENCE... 

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@[email protected]*#$%!!!!!!!!”


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 23, 2008)




----------



## erikhartmann ftw (Aug 23, 2008)

Q. Whats the fastest thing in the world?

A. An Ethiopian with a Macdonald's voucher.

Q. Whats the second fastest thing in the world?

A. His little brother chasing after him.


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 24, 2008)

Trainee On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly !"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension ! Do you know who you're talking to ?" "No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot !"

The trainee shouted back : "And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot ?"

"No !" replied the Managing Director indignantly

"Thank F**K for that !" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone


----------



## wilbur1 (Aug 24, 2008)

Good ones


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 24, 2008)

What's the fastest animal in the world?

Ethopian chicken.


----------



## Wurger (Aug 24, 2008)

No, the fastes animal in all the world is a cheetah.

And what's the fastest bird in the wolrd?

The cheetah's one


----------



## v2 (Aug 24, 2008)

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city, and they were in the mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart, and then slide back together again. 
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at? 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy........go gitcha momma.'


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 24, 2008)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 25, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2008)

Nice!


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 25, 2008)

JUST WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' 

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the 

Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.




NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.




Sincerely, 

Crock O. Schitt


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 25, 2008)




----------



## Bucksnort101 (Aug 25, 2008)

Don't forget Jack Schitt's sister Tayka.


----------



## Matt308 (Aug 25, 2008)

Or her angry Afghani brother, Hoogifsa.


----------



## wilbur1 (Aug 25, 2008)

I was waitin for somebody to post that one i heard it awhile back but couldnt remember it nice job Matt


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2008)

Good one Matt, Oldie but a goodie!..


----------



## v2 (Aug 27, 2008)

Installing a Husband

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ....................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download theSnoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 27, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 27, 2008)

and its correlary:





INSTALLING WIFE 1.0

Subject: Wife 1.0

To: Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed 
that the new program began unexpected child processing that 
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of 
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In 
addition, Wife1.0 installs itself into all other programs and 
launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other 
system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 
and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system 
whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the 
background while attempting to run some of my other favorite 
applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, 
but the un-install for Wife 1.0 does not work.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,

Lord Joe Nevanen
Mission, TX



Tech Support Writes Back

Dear Lord Joseph:

This is a very common problem male employees complain 
about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many 
people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that 
Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES ENTERTAINMENT 
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and 
designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you 
would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to 
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would 
cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files 
from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried 
to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more 
problems than the original system.

Look in your help files under "Warnings-Alimony/Child 
Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with 
the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also 
suggest you read the entire section regarding General 
Partnership Faults(GPFs). You must assume all 
responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be 
to enter the DOS-command

C:\APOLOGIZE or click the I'M SORRY! Icon for Macintosh 
systems. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because 
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE/SORRY 
command before the operating system will return to normal. The 
system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all 
the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high 
maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance 
of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short 
Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is 
likely to cause irreversible damage to YOUR hardware.

Best of luck.


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 27, 2008)

Notes about Free Upgrade
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0, and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

A "Don't remind me again" button 
Minimize button 
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. 
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful. 
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

*** UPGRADE VERSION *****************
Although advertised as being Plug'n'Play, installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working. The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3.6 Ski Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages.

Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions of BEST MATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BEST MATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and I/O ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task.

*** SUMMARY *******************************
It appears that Girlfriend 1.0 is still one of the best products on the market, especially just after installation. Though not as much fun as CASUALSHAG 63.8 for the power user, it remains relatively reliable and easy on system resources. The timeout feature of Girlfriend is the major problem, and in severe cases can force the user to upgrade to Wife 1.0 with dire consequences on system health.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 27, 2008)

Wife 1.0 has another bug....Where does Bitch 10.0 hide within the system?


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## Catch22 (Aug 27, 2008)

I'm single and loving it!

Well, not really...


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## v2 (Aug 27, 2008)

Catch22 said:


> I'm single and loving it!
> 
> Well, not really...



ok, we are looking for Single 1.0 for you...


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## Matt308 (Aug 27, 2008)

A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He
told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and
that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The Bank Officer told him that the bank would need some security for the loan so the Redneck handed
over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the streetin front of the bank. The Redneck produced the
title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge
12% interest.

Later the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for $5000 loan. An employee of the bank drove the Ferrari into 
the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned,repaid the $5,000 loan and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said 'Sir, we are very happy to have your business, and the transaction has worked out
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away,we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you borrow $5,000?'

The North Carolina Redneck replied,'Where else in New York City, could I park my car for two weeks for
only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

HEY ALL REDNECK'S AIN'T STUPID!!


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## Wayne Little (Aug 28, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Aug 28, 2008)

Great one Matt


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## Matt308 (Aug 28, 2008)

Photographic evidence of where the term "dickhead" came from.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 28, 2008)




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## Wurger (Aug 28, 2008)




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## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 28, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 29, 2008)

The Divorced Barbie Doll 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. 

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the 
sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' 

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie 
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. 

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the 
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls


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## Matt308 (Aug 29, 2008)




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## B-17engineer (Aug 29, 2008)

lol hahahah


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## Matt308 (Aug 30, 2008)

.


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## B-17engineer (Aug 30, 2008)

lol  where would u get t-shirts like that though?...


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## RabidAlien (Aug 30, 2008)

New campaign to fight Childhood Obesity in America:


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## Wayne Little (Aug 31, 2008)




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## Cota1992 (Aug 31, 2008)

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. 
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' 
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' 
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' 
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' 
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' 
The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'


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## Matt308 (Aug 31, 2008)

Hehehe


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## RabidAlien (Aug 31, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 1, 2008)

Aw..man!


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## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 1, 2008)

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where'd you git that truck?”

“Tammie give it to me,” Bubba replied.

“She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6,in the middle of no wheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, 
threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!”

“Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you.”


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## Konigstiger205 (Sep 1, 2008)

Funny stuff guys


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## spit5 (Sep 2, 2008)

Gone with the Blastwave - Type E webcomic.


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## spit5 (Sep 2, 2008)

Bomb bay made in USSR


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## Wurger (Sep 2, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 3, 2008)




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## Mstcnc (Sep 7, 2008)

Wife complains to huspand: "Washing machine makes starnge noise, could you look at it?"
Huspand replies to wife: "I am not f#@king washing machine repair man!"
Next day wife complains about house stairs: "First step is loose, could you fix it before some one gets hurt?"
Huspand replies to wife: "I am not f#@king carpenter either!"
Next day wife complains about car: "Could you fix tail light before get ticket?"
Huspand replies to wife: "Do I look like I am f#@king car mechanic!"

Some days later huspand comes home from work and notices stairs which are fixed. He asked wife who did fix it?
Wife replies: "It was next door neibourgh Rick, he fixed washing machine and stairs and car".
"Blody hell, did he even take any money?" asks huspand.
Wife replies: "After I was asked about price he aked to bake a apple pie or lift skirt and bend down right on the kitchen table" she takes smal pause and continues...
"And you know I am not the f#@king baker".


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## Wayne Little (Sep 7, 2008)




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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 7, 2008)




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## v2 (Sep 7, 2008)

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. 


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think? For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 


Signed, 

Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE: 

Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


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## wilbur1 (Sep 7, 2008)




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## Catch22 (Sep 7, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 7, 2008)

Man....waste of a perfectly good driver.


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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2008)

I agree.  

How to recogize that a blonde secretary was working on a PC?

The keyboard doesn't work and all monitor screen is smeared with a correction fluid.

And how to recoginze that two blonde secretaries were working on the PC?

The keyboard is still like above but there are scratched letters on the smeared with the correction fluid monitor screen.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 8, 2008)




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## Gnomey (Sep 8, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Sep 9, 2008)

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that $hit?'


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## Wurger (Sep 9, 2008)




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## Gnomey (Sep 9, 2008)




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## pbfoot (Sep 9, 2008)

What do you call a smart blonde 
a golden retriever


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## Wurger (Sep 9, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 10, 2008)




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## Cota1992 (Sep 10, 2008)

Feckless First Aid... 

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.


As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.


Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.


She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?" 

Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" 

"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... 

"It's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror.
"


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## Gnomey (Sep 10, 2008)




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## B-17engineer (Sep 10, 2008)




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## Wurger (Sep 10, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 11, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 11, 2008)




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## Njaco (Sep 11, 2008)

Friend just emailed me this....don't know if its true but it sure is funny!

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY. 

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. 

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost _'in a series of small fires_.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. 

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me .) 

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'. 

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... 

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. 

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 11, 2008)

Lawyers....


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## spit5 (Sep 12, 2008)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZopvm6xbOw_


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## Wurger (Sep 12, 2008)

No flaps , no slats and crash-landing.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 12, 2008)

....ouch....


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## Wayne Little (Sep 12, 2008)

Loved 'em both! heard the lawyer one before though...


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## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2008)

Loved the second one, first one was pretty good too - lawyers


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## B-17engineer (Sep 12, 2008)

hahhah nice


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## v2 (Sep 14, 2008)

I just went home for 3 days..First morning I woke up with a killer hangover after going out with some friends. I did'nt remember how I got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. My wife must have gone to work. As I struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, my stomach plummets as I wondered what the hell I did last night. 

I forced myself to open my eyes, and the first thing I see is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. I sat up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. I stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, I see that I have a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning. 

As I concentrate hard on getting the world into focus, I see a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from my wife. 'Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's a helicopter show on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Kat. xoxo ' I stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. My teenage daughter is sitting at the table, eating. Bracing myself, I drum up the courage to ask what happened the previous night. 

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' 

Confused, I asked, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note, and breakfast waiting for me?'

She replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged your sorry ass to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you w****, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast $3.50
Two Aspirins $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS 

And now I am back to work....


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## Wayne Little (Sep 14, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 14, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Sep 14, 2008)

Perfect


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## Gnomey (Sep 14, 2008)




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## JugBR (Sep 14, 2008)




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## Wurger (Sep 15, 2008)

An interview with the man who is the biggest smoker in all the world.

- What do you like the most in all the world?
- Smoking
- Smoking, is it possible?
- Yep , I like smoking.
- Might it be anything else?
- No, smoking only
- However there must be something else you can like,
- Very likely
- If yes, what it can be? Maybe sex...
- Perhaps
- Well if you like sex could you tell us with who, I mean women, men etc...
- With women, yes undoubtedly with women.
- Oh what nice....If a sex with a woman, tell us which of ways for this you like the most, please.
- What ?????
- What way of making love do you like? I mean classic, from back etc..
- Humm.... I think.... form back. Yes, yes the back way is the best.
- OK.. the back way.. why?
- Because I can smoke...


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## Airframes (Sep 15, 2008)

You've probably heard it, but this is one of a series of true reports from ground servicing personnel, military and civil. As you know, when an aircraft is handed back to the ground crew after a flight, the pilot completes a form, noting any defects, faults etc., then the ground crew check it out, and take action as required. Here's the first one:-
Pilot's report - Test flight O.K., but port inner engine missing.
Ground crew summary and comment after action - port inner engine found after brief search of port wing.


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## v2 (Sep 15, 2008)

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 15, 2008)

...


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## Wurger (Sep 15, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 15, 2008)

Nice guys!


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## Njaco (Sep 15, 2008)

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friendsand make a wish within five minutes.

Becauseof your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Have a wonderful day...


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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2008)




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## Gnomey (Sep 16, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 16, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 16, 2008)




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## v2 (Sep 16, 2008)

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. 

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: 

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky and

- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. 

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK.

But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, that a shame that would be. 

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. 

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold. 

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher edly whispered, "he's gonna be a helicopter pilot!"


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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2008)




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## v2 (Sep 17, 2008)

Arabcat


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## spit5 (Sep 17, 2008)

O madafaka!


----------



## spit5 (Sep 17, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 17, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Sep 17, 2008)

Good ones guys


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## spit5 (Sep 17, 2008)

Dangerous Dog


----------



## v2 (Sep 17, 2008)

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You as*****. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"


----------



## Cota1992 (Sep 17, 2008)

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into
a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes
his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the
evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants
to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia ..

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'


'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 17, 2008)

There's also talk of a "Survivor: Texas" series: contestants are put into a hybrid car painted in pastel pinks and blues, adorned with "Obama" and "Hillary" campaign stickers, a bumpersticker that says "I'm a gay vegetarian athiest and I'm here to take your guns", given a tank full of gas and set loose in El Paso. Whoever manages to survive to Louisiana, wins.


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## Wurger (Sep 17, 2008)




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## Gnomey (Sep 17, 2008)




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## spit5 (Sep 18, 2008)

A young Russian fighter pilot is participating in his first operational run.

- descending to 500m,ready for bombing, bombes run.
- Roger - answered a commanding pilot

Looking at the effect of his own attack he reported:

- descending to 100m , request gun fire opening.
- Cleared - was the replay.

Being so excited he reported again,

- descending to 1m, I'm going to belt them.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 18, 2008)

...keep 'em coming!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 18, 2008)

How to Tell If You've Been Married Too Long

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"


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## Wayne Little (Sep 19, 2008)

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your
Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
them for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

The Bastard is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man


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## wilbur1 (Sep 19, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 19, 2008)




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## Flyboy2 (Sep 19, 2008)

Funny little conversation between the USS Coral Sea and a Lighthouse. Unfortunately its not true  still funny tho

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 20, 2008)

Last time I heard that one, Adm. Nimitz himself was arguing with some Petty Officer Third Class. The Petty Officer won.


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## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2008)

An old one but a good one


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## v2 (Sep 21, 2008)

Hurricane's a comin', be prepared! 

Hurricane Survival Kit


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## Wayne Little (Sep 21, 2008)

taking note Dan!!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 21, 2008)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this isn't really about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


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## Velius (Sep 22, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 22, 2008)

Thats great Rabid!!


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## Thorlifter (Sep 23, 2008)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very, closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?


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## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2008)




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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2008)




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## Flyboy2 (Sep 23, 2008)

little drawing i found


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## RabidAlien (Sep 23, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 23, 2008)

More chicken/road stuff:


Patton: The chicken had a ****da** duty to cross the *****mn road, so it **ck**'a screwed up its courage and crossed that G*****n road like a real chicken would! I'm d*** proud to have crossed that road with that chicken! That was a real ******* chicken's chicken, with b*lls!

Rommel: Not only did it cross the road, but it continued on and overwhelmed the weasles on the other side, and would have maintained its hold on the other side of the road if only the rooster had provided it with the proper amount of corn. _Hiel_, rooster.

McCarthy: F****in communist chickens....

JOE BIDEN: It's patriotic for the chicken to pay its taxes as it crosses the road.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because it saw how I dressed the moose and it didn't want to to be next.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH: Read my lips, no more chickens crossing the road.

DAN QUALYE: Do you spell chicken with an "e" at the end just like potatoe?

RONALD REAGAN: Mr. Chicken, tear down this wall!

JIMMY CARTER: Chickens can cross the road, its those killer rabbits that worry me.

GERRY FORD: Our long national nightmare is ended: I have pardoned the chicken and it is now free to cross the road.

RICHARD NIXON: The chicken isn't a crook, and neither am I.

SPIRO AGNEW: The chicken is a nattering nabob of negativism.

TED KENNEDY: The chicken crossed the road, I swerved, and that's why I drove my car off the bridge.

JOHN F. KENNEDY: Ask not what your country can do for the chicken, but rather ask what the chicken can do for its country. 

DWIGHT EISENHOWER: The chicken is part of the military industrial complex.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT: The chicken has nothing to fear but the road itself.

WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN: If the chicken is nominated it will not run, and if elected it will not serve, but it will cross the road.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: A chicken divided against itself can not stand and so it has to cross the road.

PATRICK HENRY: The chicken regrets that it only has one life to give for its country.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Early to bed and early to rise makes the chicken healthy, wealthy and wise.

THOMAS JEFFERSON: We hold these truths to be self evident, that the chicken is free to cross the road.

JULIUS CEASAR: Et tu, chicken.

DR. RUTH: The chicken is spending too much time crossing the road and not enough time having sex with the rooster.

RICK WARREN: A purpose-driven chicken would have already crossed the road several times in its life's journey.

JOEL OSTEEN: The chicken could live its best life now if it would just follow the 7 steps to its full potential and cross the road.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 24, 2008)

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates, and a rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'


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## Wayne Little (Sep 24, 2008)




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## JugBR (Sep 24, 2008)

Flyboy2 said:


> little drawing i found



is this stalin or saddan hussein ?

the face looks stalin, the uniform looks saddan...

i have another good one:


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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2008)




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## Flyboy2 (Sep 25, 2008)

> is this stalin or saddan hussein ?



Pretty sure its stalin

Check out this one


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## JugBR (Sep 25, 2008)

is this mustache belongs to another body part of her ?


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## Wurger (Sep 26, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 26, 2008)

AHHHHHHHH!!!! MENTAL IMAGE....MENTAL IMAGE!!!!! **runs for brainscrubber**

Funny pic, though, Flyboy!


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## Bucksnort101 (Sep 26, 2008)

> is this mustache belongs to another body part of her ?



That's just wrong Jug, now I won't be able to eat all weekend. At least she doesn't have a cigar hanging from her mug like her Husband


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## JugBR (Sep 26, 2008)

Bucksnort101 said:


> That's just wrong Jug, now I won't be able to eat all weekend. At least she doesn't have a *cigar hanging from her mug *like her Husband



can you imagine ? grouxo marx !


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## Wurger (Sep 26, 2008)

...


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## Wayne Little (Sep 26, 2008)

now that's a scary thought Mr Bean in charge.....


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## JugBR (Sep 26, 2008)

at least, explode a mini cooper isnt a big deal...


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## Wurger (Sep 27, 2008)

But on the other hand.....


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## Wayne Little (Sep 27, 2008)

It's a bit dark but I think I see it...


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## Wurger (Sep 27, 2008)

Do you think, it is a reason he sometimes doesn't see all things correctly and can miss anything?


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## Wayne Little (Sep 27, 2008)

Playing Trivial Pursuit with a Blonde

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


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## Wurger (Sep 27, 2008)




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## GrauGeist (Sep 27, 2008)

lol @ BeanLadin!

We know where Bin Ladin is...


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## v2 (Oct 1, 2008)

how this works?


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## ScOoTeR1992 (Oct 1, 2008)

waterfall i can't see no wait...i think i see the waterfall now


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## RabidAlien (Oct 1, 2008)

No, that's her hair.  Keep starin'!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 1, 2008)

Who cares about the water....something...thingy!........


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## Wurger (Oct 1, 2008)

Exactly Wayne who ?


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## RabidAlien (Oct 1, 2008)

Subject: : And then the fight started..... 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace 
expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... 
and then the fight started.... 
********************************************************* 
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for 
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her 
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. 
And that's when the fight started. 

************************************************************************ 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for 
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's 
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left 
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would 
have to go home and come back later. 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She s aid, 'That 
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my 
Social Security application. 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the 
Social Security office. 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten 
disability, too' 

And then the fight started..... 

*********************************************************************** 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I 
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a 
nearby table. 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to 
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she 
hasn't been sober since.' 

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on 
celebrating that long?' 

And then the fight started..... 

************************************************************ 

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road 
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. 

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things 
just seem funny? 

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' 

And that's how the fight started..... 

************************************************************************ 
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my 
order first. 

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' 

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 

'Nah, she can order for herself.' 

And that's how the fight started.....


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## Wayne Little (Oct 1, 2008)




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## ScOoTeR1992 (Oct 1, 2008)

roflmao I love these jokes guys when I find some good ones I'll post 'em


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## ScOoTeR1992 (Oct 2, 2008)

----------------------------*Blonde Jokes*--------------------------------

i knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... she called me to get my phone number. 

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate.' 

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. 

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. 

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. 

she tried to drown a fish. 

she thought a quarterback was a refund. 

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. 

she tripped over a cordless phone. 

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. 

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. 

she studied for a blood test.

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. 

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,she moved. 

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. 

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home


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## Wayne Little (Oct 2, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 2, 2008)

Redneck Fire Alarm:


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## v2 (Oct 3, 2008)

Steve stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Steve explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting that b***** from here!"


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## RabidAlien (Oct 3, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 3, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 3, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 4, 2008)

President Bill Clinton was sitting in the stands on opening day of the baseball season, waiting for the first game to start. His social advisor leaned over and whispered in his ear. Bill's eyes went a little blank, then he nodded, reached over, and shoved Hillary over the railing onto the field! Secret Service agents hurried (slowly) down to help her back up, as the advisor whispered in his ear again. No sooner had Hillary gotten back into the Presidential box, when Bill stood up, picked her up, and tossed her over again! By this time, he's got the attention of the entire crowd, and the advisor is a dangerous shade of red. The advisor whispers (loudly) in his ear again, as everyone strains to hear what he's saying over the open mic. As the Secret Service carries Hillary back into the box, Bill grabs her from them, and tosses her as hard as he can back over the railing. The advisor, having had enough, stands up, grabs Bill by the shoulders, and, shaking him, screams "You idiot, I said 'throw out the first PITCH!!!!"


----------



## JugBR (Oct 4, 2008)

ford mccain


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## v2 (Oct 6, 2008)

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale', he said.


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## Cota1992 (Oct 6, 2008)

Cows, Cows, Cows... 

The only cow in a small eastern Ohio town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Pennsylvania for $200. They brought the cow from Pennsylvania and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.


They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.


They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.
"

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Pennsylvania?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Pennsylvania?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Pennsylvania.
"


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 6, 2008)

More cows...


A dairy farmer, after looking over his books, decided it was time to expand his herd, but the only bull he owned was old and many years past his stud-service. So, searching the Internet, he found a bull breeder in another state that advertised "the best bulls ever", and had many pages of glowing customer feedback to back him up. So, the farmer called the breeder, purchased the bull, and arranged to have him shipped to his farm. 

The bull arrived and was immediately put into the same pasture as all of the cows. Yet nothing happened! The farmer, angered at the response from the bull, called the breeder. 

"Give the poor bull a week. He's probably still suffering from jet-lag. If that doesn't help, let me know, and I'll express-ship some stuff you can give the feller. My pappy swore by it, and it hasn't let me down yet."

The farmer agreed, waited a week, and sure enough, no action from the bull. So he called the breeder back, who shipped him the promised bottle of medicine.

Several months later, after helping deliver the 73rd calf, the local vet asked about the new bull. 

"Oh, he's doin fine!", the farmer exclaimed. "I was kinda worried at first, almost thought he was gay, but that breeder mailed me some stuff that fixed him right up! Put a teaspoon of that stuff in his food, and next thing I know he'd done made two rounds around the whole herd...before lunch!"

"Really?!?" the vet exclaimed. "What was it? I can recommend that for some of my other patients!"

"Well, I really dunno what it was, bein all scientifically named and all.....but it tasted like strawberries."


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## Wayne Little (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Thorlifter (Oct 7, 2008)




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## Airframes (Oct 7, 2008)

There's an old bull with his son, standing at the top of the meadow, looking down on a herd of cows. The son-bull turns to his dad and says "Cor! Look at all those cows. Let's run down and take a couple!"
The old bull, a wise old thing getting on in years, turns to his son and replies "No lad, let's walk down and have them all!"


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## RabidAlien (Oct 8, 2008)




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## evangilder (Oct 8, 2008)

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

"The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


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## v2 (Oct 8, 2008)




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## Airframes (Oct 8, 2008)

Think I've just wet myself!
So, there's three vampire bats, sitting on a tree one morning. One bat has blood all around its mouth, one has blood all over its face, and the third bat is totally covered in blood.
Two of the bats turn to the first bat and ask "What did you get up to last night?"
The bat replies, knowing that his species are poor sighted "See that field over there to the left, just past that wall?"
The bats strain to see in the early morning light, then eventually reply;
"Yeah, just about know where you mean."
"Well," says bat one, " I flew over there, and found a flock of sheep. Got the biggest one I could find, and drank all its blood."
"Nice one!" bat two remarks.
"How about you?" asks bat one, looking at all the blood around his friends face.
"Ah! Well," came the reply, "just to the right there, about half a mile past that wood, there's a huge meadow. See it?"
The other two bats strain to see, then nod in reply.
"Well, I flew over there", continues the bloody-faced bat, "and found a herd of cows. Got the biggest one, and drank all its blood."
Bat one is impressed, then turns to the third bat, amazed that he is covered in so much blood.
"What the hell did YOU do last night?" He asks of the third bat.
"Can you see that church steeple, just past those trees in the centre there, about a mile away?"
The other two bats, having really strained to see the point indicated, eventually reply in unison.
"Ah, yes, can just about see it."
Final bat replies, "Well I f*****g didn't!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 8, 2008)

*****ROTFLMBO!!!***** Good one, Airframes!




Next:

WHAT IS A CAT?
(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.

WHAT IS A DOG?
(According to a woman)

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do ing things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats


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## Airframes (Oct 9, 2008)

I like it!


----------



## v2 (Oct 9, 2008)

A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. 

The girl, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' 
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower. 
2. Splash on some nice perfume. 
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down in between your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! 

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store. So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over. 

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' 

The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONLY ONE.. MORE... TIME!


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## ScOoTeR1992 (Oct 9, 2008)

lmbo mate freakin hilarious


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 9, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 9, 2008)




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## rochie (Oct 9, 2008)

during the battle for france 1940 a french army is marching along a road, they see a german soldier atop a hill taunting them "you six men go sort him out" order's a general.
off they go over the never to return, but the german does "A company go get him" order's the general, off they go, never seen again.
the german appears once more, the general orders his whole army up the hill to attack the german soldier, after 3 hours a lone beat up french private staggers back over the hill, salutes the general and say's "mon general it was a trap there was two of them"


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## Wurger (Oct 9, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 10, 2008)

HOW TO BATHE A CAT


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so the cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.


Sincerely,
The Dog


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## RabidAlien (Oct 10, 2008)




----------



## Airframes (Oct 10, 2008)

Brilliant!!!


----------



## Messy1 (Oct 10, 2008)

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 
'Like' With her.

But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance 
clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to 
dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his 
newfound lady friend.

'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, 
you'd better say so now!'

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with 
each other, here goes ... you need to know that I'm a hooker.'

'I see,' Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a 
moment, deep in thought...



Then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your 
wrists straight when you tee off.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 10, 2008)

To help you better understand the financial crisis in which our
>> country finds itself, I have attempted to put it in terms common
people,
>> like you and me, can easily understand.....
>>
>> If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one
>> year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000
worth
>> of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had
>> purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
>> would have $0.00 today.
>>
>> But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank
>> all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund,
>> you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current
>> investment plan is to drink heavily recycle. It is called the
401-Keg.
>> A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
>> year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons
>> of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
>> miles to the gallon!
>>
>> Makes you proud to be an American!


----------



## Catch22 (Oct 10, 2008)

Hahaha, very nice!


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 11, 2008)




----------



## v2 (Oct 13, 2008)

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE…

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


----------



## Thorlifter (Oct 13, 2008)

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. 
She approached him, 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- Cars and Men.' 

'What's your name?' she asked.

He replied, 'B.J. Titsenbeer'


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 14, 2008)

HEAVY THINKING...

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed!

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.


----------



## Airframes (Oct 14, 2008)

I like it!


----------



## v2 (Oct 14, 2008)

...


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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2008)




----------



## Cota1992 (Oct 15, 2008)

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland . One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy! 



He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Miss Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 



'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. 




When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. 




The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.' 




The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff.' 



The landlord nodded and said, 'Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."


----------



## Thorlifter (Oct 15, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 15, 2008)




----------



## JugBR (Oct 16, 2008)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JffmWtjxVq8_

i think charles bronson will like that one, specially the final !


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## Wayne Little (Oct 18, 2008)

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and says, "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow I have no idea what to get for her. She already has everything she wants she's not giving out any hints so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." Joe thought that was a great idea- a classic 'win-win' situation. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did my suggestion go over?" "Yeah, a little too well" said Joe dejectedly. "What dya mean, didn't she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh she liked it alright! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour'!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 18, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 19, 2008)




----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 19, 2008)

I knew that one was coming!


----------



## B-17engineer (Oct 19, 2008)

hahahahaha


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 20, 2008)

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman.

"What's this about, Mom?" she asks.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers.

"Is it working?" her daughter asks.

"Yes and no," mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."





today'sTHOT============================

Q: Why is one side of the V geese make always shorter than the other? A: There are fewer geese in it. Duh.


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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2008)

From my Yorktown book....

*Their names shall ride high on the waters
And echo with each rolling swell;
When flying the glory road homeward,
We'll dip once our wings in farewell.*


----------



## comiso90 (Oct 22, 2008)

Watch it and laugh!


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2v-AkSj260_

.


----------



## Thorlifter (Oct 23, 2008)

*.....and that's when the fight started*

1) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and Realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.

And that's when the fight started.....



2) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes', I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person able to go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....





3) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started...



4) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. '

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started......



5) A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, 'Holy Crap! That must be my husband!' So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, well then, why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started......



6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

And that's when the fight started......





7) I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started..........



8) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......


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## RabidAlien (Oct 24, 2008)




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## Airframes (Oct 24, 2008)

Nice ones, Thor'.


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## Lucky13 (Nov 1, 2008)

"Why did the experts think that dogfighting were obsolite? HA! That really ewokes a flood, flood of emotion, memories. Who were the experts, pretell? People whod'd been promoted beyond their capability, way beyond their usefulness, people who'd never fought, people who looked at manuals, people who looked at...I don't know what the h*ll they looked at."

Robin Olds


----------



## Negative Creep (Nov 1, 2008)

Made me chuckle in a thread about Area 51


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## Wayne Little (Nov 1, 2008)

That's great NC!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 2, 2008)




----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (Nov 2, 2008)

Here's one I heard a few years back, when I was in baseball. 

A traveler, let's call him Bob, walks to a house, hoping to stay for the night. The owner is a elderly chinese gentlemen, and his beautiful daughter. The Chinese man let's Bob stay for the night, but warns him not to fool around with his daughter, or else he'll suffer the, "Three ancient Chinese tortures." 

Well, try as he might, Bob can't stop fantasizing about the daughter. So, after dinner, he goes up to the daughters room; and to his suprise and delight, they both have sex. Bob retires for the night, feeling confident he fooled the old man.

The next morning, Bob wakes up noticing a large rock on the floor, with a note attached. Going closer, Bob reads the note. "Chinese torture number one, rock tied to bedpost". Grumbling, Bob picks the rock up and throws it out an open window. No sooner had he thrown the rock, Bob sees a note stuck to a nearby tree, "Chinese torture number two, right testicle tied to rock." Panicking, Bob jumps out of the window, reasoning that breaking his legs is better then losing a nut. On the way down though, he sees another sign. 

"Chinese torture number three, left testicle tied to bedpost."


----------



## Cota1992 (Nov 2, 2008)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant forlunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumedtheir trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses onthe table, and she didn't m iss them until they had been driving about fortyminutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite adistance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to returnto the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. Hefussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entirereturn drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He justwouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at therestaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieveher glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, *'While you're in there, youmight as well get my hat and the credit card.'


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## Emon_Essex (Nov 5, 2008)

Amusing if not a day late...


Ten Tips for the Trekkie Voter on Election Day

With Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Next Generation, 
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager and even that crappy 
Enterprise show on DVD, Trek fans don't have much time to venture 
into, much less pay attention to, the outside world. With that in 
mind, here is a list of things for Trekkies to remember when they don 
their Spock ears and head out to participate in the democracy ritual 
on Election Day: 

* Federation club "rank" will not get you any special treatment at 
the polling place.

* You may not sign in with the registrar in Klingon.

* Comparing Barack Obama to Mr. Tuvok makes you an intergalactic 
racist.

* Do not ask the voting official to make the "swoosh" sound when you 
enter the booth.

* The chances of being split in two due to a "voting booth accident" 
are extremely slim.

* Scott Bakula is not a good write-in for any spot on any ticket. 

* Joe Biden is running for Vice President, not "Number One."

* Sarah Palin is the Borg Queen.

* You cannot vote to allow Vulcans to mate more often.

* Do not say "Make it so!" out loud when you're done voting


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## Wayne Little (Nov 21, 2008)

Two married buddies are out at the local hobby shop one evening when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home late at night after I've bought a new model kit, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I hide the new model kit in the garage, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for buying a new model kit!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, put the new model kit on my workbench, storm up the steps with the new kit in hand, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 21, 2008)

Very appropriate for this site, methinks!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 21, 2008)

For all you musical types out there:


----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (Nov 21, 2008)

Lol, didn't know there were that many Rabid.


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 21, 2008)

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son call his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced 'she shouts, "I'll take care of this"

She calls Jacksonville immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.


----------



## Emon_Essex (Nov 22, 2008)

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious!


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 22, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 22, 2008)

I haven't checked Snopes, but this is hilarious nonetheless:



English Signs from Around the World 

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. 

Cocktail lounge, Norway: 
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome: 
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: 
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. 

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: 
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF YOUR UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. 

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. 

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS...

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 23, 2008)




----------



## Airframes (Nov 23, 2008)

Some great chuckles there, RA!


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 24, 2008)

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."


----------



## Cota1992 (Nov 24, 2008)

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too,
but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head
out to Mable's for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.
"Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then
bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked
the third one!


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## 109ROAMING (Nov 24, 2008)

Great stories guys


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## RabidAlien (Nov 24, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 25, 2008)

Nice Cota!


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## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2008)

THANKSGIVING IN THE UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."


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## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2008)

When a woman wears a leather dress,

A man's heart beats quicker,

And his throat gets dry,

He goes weak in the knees,

And he begins to think irrationally. 

Ever wonder why? 




Because she smells like a new truck .


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## Airframes (Nov 26, 2008)

Nice chuckle selection there, cheered me up so early in the morning!


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## Wayne Little (Nov 26, 2008)




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## Wurger (Nov 30, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 2, 2008)

This hasn't been verified (or not) on Snopes yet, so I'll post it here. Either way (true or false), its funny as heck!




Don't know about this but too good not to pass along.

According to a Marine Pilot:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility,
all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air
Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting
Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them
your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
It's too
good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in
Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up,
I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)


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## rochie (Dec 2, 2008)

i so hope thats a true story


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## Wayne Little (Dec 2, 2008)




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## Airframes (Dec 2, 2008)

Far as I know, it is true! I got the same from my friend Bob, the ex-Mosquito pilot in Iowa. He got it from a friend who knew the pilot concerned, I believe!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 2, 2008)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who 
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said
Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history 
than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General
Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' 
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson
to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted...

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 
'Oh crud, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people,
November 4th, 2008"


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## Wayne Little (Dec 5, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Dec 5, 2008)

Thats freakin hilarious!!!!!!!!!


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## v2 (Dec 5, 2008)

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.' 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 
'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,'
he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'


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## Geedee (Dec 6, 2008)

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: 
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. 
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. 
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. 
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." 
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" 
"But I'm scared!" she persisted.. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" 
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." 
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. 
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. 
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised a round the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.. 
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. 
The impact knocked me out cold. 
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. 
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. 
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. 
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. 
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 6, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 6, 2008)

For My Democrat Friends: 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever come s first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.





For My Republican Friends: 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


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## Airframes (Dec 6, 2008)

Two goods ones, Gary and RA!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 6, 2008)

Nice Guys...


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## Geedee (Dec 7, 2008)

I hit a Hare (wild, long eared version of a rabbit) this morning with my truck....didnt kill it outright cos it was thrashing around in the road. Well, me being soft hearted, couldnt drive off and let it get flattened by someone else so I stopped, got out and looked for a suitable heavy rock or something to put it out of its misery.

Now, being a responsible type of driver I'd pulled over to the side of the road, so was a bit miffed when this guy pulls up behind my Nissan beeping his horn !!!.

Out he gets and comes straight towards me asking what I was doing (bl**dy obvious what I was about to do really !). He then proceeds to tell me to leave the Hare alone, that he's a vet on the way home from his practice and that he'd look after it !!!!!. Fair enough says I, and he then goes to the back of his car and gets his vets bag (or whatever else they call it ?) and goes over to Hare....which is still convulsing and thrashing about, making horrible noises....and starts to examine it. He then got a big spray can of something and proceeded to spray the poor Hare all over....which was having a real bad day having been by hit by my truck and now some looney is spraying his fur all over.

I kid you not, not quite 10 seconds later, this Hare....which was in a bit of a mess...stopped convulsing, sat up, looked around for a few seconds then legged it across the road and into the long grass !!!

I was gobsmacked and asked this supposed vet what he'd just used.....


"Hare restorer" !!!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 7, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2008)

The Difference between "Focus on Problems" and "Focus on Solutions"


When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.
They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil...


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## Geedee (Dec 10, 2008)

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? 


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 
1 to move it to the Lighting section 
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 
5 to flame the spell checkers 
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


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## RabidAlien (Dec 10, 2008)




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## Gnomey (Dec 10, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2008)

Love it!


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## Lucky13 (Dec 11, 2008)

On a different matter.....

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much
luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale'
sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it
is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.. He
immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
bike Is outside and it's Going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.' and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over
to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him
and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we
go in.'

When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact,
the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.''No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled
up on the stairs, In the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says
a Word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a
word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says
a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her
on the table, and scr*ws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but
no one says a word. 

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great
body,' he thinks. So he grabs the Mom, bends her over the dinner
table,and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. 
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and
it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of
Vaseline from his pocket.

The father shouts, 'All right, I'll do the f***king dishes.


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## Gnomey (Dec 11, 2008)

Haha!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2008)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 11, 2008)




----------



## Airframes (Dec 11, 2008)

Nice one Jan!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 12, 2008)

A man at the bar is staring at his drink. After half an hour, a troublemaker takes the drink and downs it. As the man starts crying, the troublemaker says: ‘Look, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.’ ‘It’s not that,’ the man says. ‘This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, was late for work and my boss fired me. Then I went to leave, only to find my car had been stolen. When I reported it, the police said they couldn’t do anything. And as I stepped out of the cab when I got home, I realized I’d left my wallet and credit card in the car. Then I found my wife in bed with the milkman, so I came to this pub. And while I was thinking about ending my life, you went and drank my poison.’


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## RabidAlien (Dec 12, 2008)

Oops!


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## Geedee (Dec 12, 2008)

Australian Check Flight

Hi Mate, 

I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's 
license back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well 
now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm 
bloody desperate. But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my 
last flight review with the CAA Examiner 

On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA d*#"head) seemed a reasonable sort of 
a bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every 
two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property 
and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that. 

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit 
surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead, 
because the ALA (Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I 
explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was 
more convenient than the ALA, and despite the power lines crossing about 
midway down the strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off, 
because at the halfway point down the strip you're usually still on the 
ground. 

For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre- 
flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over 
again. Because the prick was watching me carefully, I walked around the 
plane three times instead of my usual two. 

My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's 
cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously 
better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some 
farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock 
to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and 
threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard, but 
Ron started getting onto me about weight and balance calculations and 
all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time 
because, calves like to move around a bit particularly when they see 
themselves 500 feet off the ground! So, it's bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight. 

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by 
tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 rpm. I then 
discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a 
bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle 
and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and 
was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and 
lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, 
but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on `All tanks', so I suppose 
that's Okay. 

However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on 
vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut 
little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My 
explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and 
kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, 
but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I 
thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again". 

The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in 
time to see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through 
the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", 
I thought. 

While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that 
we taxi to the ALA, and instead took off under the power lines. Ron 
didn't say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right 
at the lift off point, and then he bloody screamed his head off. "Oh 
God! Oh God! Oh God!" 

"Now take it easy, Ron" I told him firmly. "That often happens on 
take-off and there is a good reason for it". I explained patiently that 
I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally 
put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of 
the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the 
wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has 
been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how 
to coax it properly. 

Anyway, at this stage Ron see med to lose all interest in my test 
flight. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became 
lost in prayer. (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days). I 
selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, 
I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet. I don't 
normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know 
getting FAX access out here is a friggin' joke and the weather is always 
8/8ths blue anyway. 

Anyhow, on leveling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my 
improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and carry a loaded 303 
clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case. 

We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to 
have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle 
out, the effect on Ron was friggin' electric. As I fired the first shot 
his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a 
rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an 
electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so 
distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot 
went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the 
shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I 
decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre. 

Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter 
pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, 
I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a side slip from 
10,500 feet down to 500 feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I 
looked anyway) and the little needle rushed up to the red area on me 
ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked 
back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and 
mooing like crazy. I was going to comment on this unusual sight, but 
Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the fetal position 
and was screamin' his freakin' head off. Mate, talk about being in a 
bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so bloody funny! 

At about 500 feet I leveled out, but for some reason we kept sinking. 
When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin' happened. No 
noise no nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me 
head saying "carb heat, carb heat". So I pulled carb heat on and that 
helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. 

Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have 
it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the 
cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. Keevvie, you would have 
been really proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make 
a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is 
repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now). Suddenly 
Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened 
wide, very wide, but no sound emerged. 

"Take it easy," I told him, "we'll be out of this in a minute". Sure 
enough, about a minute later we emerged, still straight and level and 
still at 50 feet. Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing". This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get 
upright again. 

Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple 
of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring 
so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it u p, but by 
then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75 foot 
final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always 
thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I 
was proved wrong again! 

Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of 
humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't 
stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted 
out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow. 

I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of 
laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff 
the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was 
then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the 
aircraft. Can you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into 
the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with 
laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric 
institution - poor ******! 

Anyhow mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I got this letter 
from CAA withdrawing, until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test. 

Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and 
not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I 
did that was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' 
license. Can you?


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2008)

Lol


----------



## vonmallard (Dec 12, 2008)

Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony

hes the one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts

who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony

shes the one that can eat the last doughnut


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## Wayne Little (Dec 13, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Dec 13, 2008)

Been too long that I have frequented this thread. Apologies if this is a duplicate.

_____________________________________________

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy sh|t! My girlfriend's gone, too!!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 14, 2008)

just visit more often!


----------



## Lucky13 (Dec 14, 2008)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2008)




----------



## Catch22 (Dec 14, 2008)

Haha nice!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 16, 2008)

Okay. Sorry for my absence...

_______________________________

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator. As he looks up, he sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little white guy staring at him, so he looked down at the little white guy and said: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch wiener, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown." 



The white man faints and falls to the floor. 

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says,
What's wrong with you?" 



In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to
me?

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch wiener, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name isTurner Brown." 



The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around !!!"


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Dec 16, 2008)

Hahaha!


----------



## Lucky13 (Dec 17, 2008)

They're still looking for the dog.....


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 17, 2008)




----------



## Wurger (Dec 20, 2008)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2008)




----------



## Matt308 (Dec 20, 2008)

Good for a chuckle...

______________________________________


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2008)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 20, 2008)

Great!..


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## RabidAlien (Dec 20, 2008)

How to get a guy to eat a good, healthy chicken dinner:


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## Wayne Little (Dec 21, 2008)

Well! haven't had my chicken served like that before.....


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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2008)

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of 
the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, 

and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 

crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it 

all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult 

go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. 

Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."


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## v2 (Dec 29, 2008)

The Ribbon Solution
~~~~~~~~~~

A couple has a dog that snores, annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. 

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. 

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring the woman is amazed. 

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. 

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. 

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. 

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were... or what we did... but, by God... We took FIRST and SECOND place.


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## Airframes (Dec 29, 2008)

Nice one, V2!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2008)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 29, 2008)

lol


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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2008)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 30, 2008)

Found this one...


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## Airframes (Dec 30, 2008)

He he!


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## v2 (Dec 31, 2008)

Happy New Year!

http://patrz.pl/filmy/happy-new-year


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## muller (Dec 31, 2008)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He'd lie awake in bed all night wondering if there was Dog.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 2, 2009)

Badass of the Week: Voytek (Wojtek) the Soldier Bear


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## Lucky13 (Jan 2, 2009)

That pic reminds me about the Swedish army back the day with King Gustav II and King Karl XII... The stories goes that when they were travelling between battles, bears, wolfs among other animals followed in their path and it looked like the end of the world was near! No wonder that most of the cities surrendered rather quickly back then...I know that I would!


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## RabidAlien (Jan 2, 2009)

Heh....guess when you're rampaging through the countryside, ripping ballsacks off just for giggles, then the local carnivores are gonna be pretty darn happy to follow in your wake like Rosie O'Donnel at a Brahm's parade. Kinda interesting, though....the guy with the sabre is sporting a Ppsh (or however its spelled...), whilst his buddy is capping brainpans with what appears to be an AK47. Perhaps a captured Stg? I dunno...I just thought it was a friggin cool (and hilarious...thus its posting on this thread) story and an even cooler pic.


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## Velius (Jan 2, 2009)

More proof that politicians have way too much time on their hands.

Strange Aviation Laws

It is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
--Columbia, PA

It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
--Pocataligo, GA

Lingerie can't be hung on a clothesline at the airport unless the undies are carefully hidden from prying eyes by a "suitable screen".
--Kidderville, NH

No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this state unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club.
The provisions of this statue shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.
--Kentucky

It is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.
--Lowes Crossroads, Delaware

Pilots and passengers are prohibited from eating onions between the hours of 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.
--Bluff, Utah

Citizens are not allowed to enter an airplane within four hours of eating garlic.
--Wakefield, RI

No female wearing a nightgown can be taken for a flight on a private plane.
--Headland, AL

It is against the law to eat ice cream in the local airport with a fork. 
--Bicknell, IN

No married man can go flying on Sunday.
--Burdoville, VT

No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
--West Union, OH

No one can play cards on the airport grounds with a woman, a child, or an Indian.
--White Horse, NM

No one -- man, woman, or child -- can be seen flying while barefoot.
--Fairplay, CO

Don't let your horse fall asleep in the airport.
--Peewee, West Virginia

Women who are single, widowed, or divorced are banned from parachuting on Sunday.
--Crawford, Nebraska

No turtle races shall be held at the airport.
--Bourbon, Mississippi

People cannot play checkers at the airport, "lest they acquire a taste for gambling."
--Clearbrook, Minnesota

Citizens cannot carry a slingshot on an airplane without special permission.
--Okanogan, WA

No pilot can eat unshelled roasted peanuts or watermelon while flying.
--Leadwood, Missouri

No person is allowed to read the Sunday paper while sitting in a chair at the airport while church services are going on.
--Upperville, VA

No flyer may wear a pair of pants with hip pockets while flying.
--Guyman, OK

Gargling is prohibited while flying.
--Hackberry, Arizona

Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited.
--Halstead, Kansas

It is against the law to sneeze in an airplane.
--Lynch Heights, Delaware

No flying instructor "can place his arm around a woman without a good and lawful reason" (while flying).
--Rock Springs, WY

Juggling in front of an airplane is illegal.
--Wellsboro, PA

Roosters may crow, only if it is done at least 300 feet from the airport.
--Stugis, Michigan


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## Catch22 (Jan 2, 2009)

Haha, interesting laws, but some of them, how can you help breaking them? 

Like this one: 
It is against the law to sneeze in an airplane.
--Lynch Heights, Delaware

That's just ridiculous.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 2, 2009)

Ya gotta wonder what the story is behind these laws....what happened that made someone think it was a good idea to ban gargling?


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## ratdog (Jan 2, 2009)

well you might choke...................


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## RabidAlien (Jan 3, 2009)

Be sure to read all of it. Very good!!!


In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.
Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of it's forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house. This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character".
There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly. But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.
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## Catch22 (Jan 3, 2009)




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## ratdog (Jan 3, 2009)

well if its by the content of his character then he should NOT have gotten the house


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## syscom3 (Jan 4, 2009)

NASCAR Driver Jeff Gordon Fires Entire Pit Crew 

The action followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the Obama Plan for NASCAR to employ inner city youngsters.

He was persuaded by a recent documentary on Court TV on how gang bangers from Harlem, Chicago Los Angeles were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-numbered, and sold the car to Dale Pape for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.


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## Pisis (Jan 5, 2009)

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's a illegallo to putto 5 peopolle in a Quattro." - "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meanso four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." - "You can'ta pulla thato one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You havo fiveo peopolle ina your car and you are thereforra breakingo the law." The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" - "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


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## Lucky13 (Jan 5, 2009)

He he he...!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 5, 2009)




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## Catch22 (Jan 5, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 10, 2009)

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Vancouver Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Vancouver. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Vancouver".

Unfortunately, he forgets to switch off the intercom and now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot. "Well Skipper, watcha gonna do in Vancouver?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation.

"Well" says the Captain, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge rack. I'm gonna wine her dine her, take her back to my room put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."


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## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2009)

Haha


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## Lucky13 (Jan 11, 2009)




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## Pisis (Jan 13, 2009)

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's a illegallo to putto 5 peopolle in a Quattro." - "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meanso four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." - "You can'ta pulla thato one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You havo fiveo peopolle ina your car and you are thereforra breakingo the law." The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" - "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


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## Wayne Little (Jan 14, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 14, 2009)

POLICE COMMENTS

These 16 comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor...

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only to to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.'

6. "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"

3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We use to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


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## Gnomey (Jan 14, 2009)




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## Vassili Zaitzev (Jan 14, 2009)




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## Catch22 (Jan 14, 2009)

I love that last one hehe. My dad's a policeman, and I think some of those things could get you canned, well up here anyway!


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## Lucky13 (Jan 15, 2009)

Admiral Mitcher, 20th June 1944 at 20:45, "Turn on the lights!"


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## Geedee (Jan 16, 2009)

Subject: Life


On the first day, God created the dog and said: 

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years' 

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' 

So God agreed. 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' 

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' 

And God agreed. 

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' 

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' 

And God agreed again. 

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' 

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten 
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. 

Life has now been explained to you. 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.


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## Negative Creep (Jan 16, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jan 16, 2009)




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## Pisis (Jan 16, 2009)

LMAO


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## Pisis (Jan 16, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 16, 2009)

Yesterday, I was at PetSmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Angel the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, 'No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again.'

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her, 'No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.'

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. PetSmart won't let me shop there anymore.


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## Matt308 (Jan 16, 2009)

.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 17, 2009)

Nice fridge!!!

http://www.lesjones.com/2008/06/16/double-barrel-pump-shotgun-moe-szyslak-style/


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## Lucky13 (Jan 17, 2009)

WAIT FOR ME 

Konstantin Simonov, summer 1941...

*To Valentina Serova*
Wait for me and I'll return. 
Only wait very hard. 
Wait when you are filled with sorrow, 
As you watch the yellow rain. 
Wait when the winds sweep the snow drifts. 
Wait in the sweltering heat. 
Wait when others have stopped waiting, 
Forgetting their yesterdays. 

Wait when even from afar, no letters come to you. 
Wait even when others are tired of waiting. 
Wait even when my mother and son think I am no more. 
And when friends sit around the fire, 
Drinking to my memory, 
Wait, and do not hurry to drink to my memory too soon. 

Wait, for I'll return, defying every death. 
And let those who do not wait say that I was lucky. 
They never will understand that in the midst of death, 
You, with your waiting, saved me. 
Only you and I will know how I survived. 
It's because you waited, as no one else did.


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## Flegmatica (Jan 18, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 19, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2009)




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## evangilder (Jan 21, 2009)

Saw this one tonight and laughed my azz off...


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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 23, 2009)

The REAL reason the US Airways plane crashed into the Hudson: terrorism.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 24, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 27, 2009)

*A Song To My Son *
Do not call me, father dear. Do not seek me. 
Do not call me, do not wish me back. 
We're on a route uncharted, 
fire and blood erase our track. 
On we fly, on wings of thunder, 
nevermore to sheath our swords. 
All of us in battles fallen, 
not to be brought back by words. 
Will there be a rendezvous? 
I know not. 
I only know we still must fight. 
We are sand grains in infinity, 
never to meet, nevermore see light. 

Farewell then my son, farewell then my conscience, 
my youth and my solace, my one and my only. 
And let this farewell be the end of the story, 
a solitude vast in which none is more lonely. 
In which you remain barred, forever and ever, 
from light and from air with your death pangs untold. 
Untold and unproved, not to be resurrected -- 
forever and ever, an eighteen year old. 
Farewell then. No trains ever come from those regions, 
unscheduled or scheduled. No airplanes fly there. 
Farewell then my son, for no miracles happen, 
as in this world, dreams do not come true. 
Farewell. 
I will dream of you still as a baby, 
treading the earth with little strong toes. 
The earth where so many already lie buried. 
This song to my son, then, has come to its close. 

-- Anonymous Englishman, 1944


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## parsifal (Jan 27, 2009)

You know you're Australian if:

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, lobsters and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total bastar*' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastar*'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song / Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again /.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.



Happy Australia Day!


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## parsifal (Jan 28, 2009)

The Bush funnies


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## Lucky13 (Jan 28, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 28, 2009)

friggin' great...


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## Airframes (Jan 28, 2009)

Brill!!


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## Gnomey (Jan 28, 2009)




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## Wurger (Jan 28, 2009)




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## Matt308 (Jan 29, 2009)

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went: 

WalMart Employee: 'Hello 'dis is WalMarts bakery, how can I help you?' 

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.' 

WalMart Employee: 'Whatcha want on dat cake?' 

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne ' and underneath that 

'We will miss you'.

WalMart Employee: 'How you spell Suzanne?'


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## parsifal (Jan 29, 2009)

thats funny


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## Catch22 (Jan 29, 2009)

!!!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 30, 2009)

friggin unbelievable....


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## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2009)

Haha


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## Lucky13 (Jan 31, 2009)

Riiiiight......


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## parsifal (Jan 31, 2009)

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.




He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'




The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking it's ass, jabbing it in the eye with his thumbs, throwing punches doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.




Finally the host says "Well Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars . " "Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Colin. The rich man said 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" 'No thanks, I don't want it' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options' Again Colin said no.




Confused, the rich man asked 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'




Colin said ...................


'I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool'


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## Wayne Little (Feb 1, 2009)

Go Colin!!


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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 1, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 1, 2009)




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## Catch22 (Feb 1, 2009)




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## Njaco (Feb 3, 2009)

MY LIVING WILL
================
A while ago, my friend and I were sitting in my room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my bottle of Scotch.
She's such a b!tch...


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 3, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 4, 2009)

Good one Chris....


----------



## Airframes (Feb 4, 2009)

I like it!


----------



## v2 (Feb 4, 2009)

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. 
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'


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## Wayne Little (Feb 4, 2009)

Great!


----------



## Njaco (Feb 4, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2009)

Haha!


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## Airframes (Feb 4, 2009)

Brilliant!


----------



## Pisis (Feb 5, 2009)

Grandson to his grandpa:
-"Gramps, did you see my pills anywhere? I put them here on the table. There were little letters on it: 'LSD'"
-"Screw the pills and come to kitchen to watch those two dragons fighting!"


----------



## sturmer (Feb 5, 2009)

3 housewives are sitting at a table in a bar. they were talking about their sexlives. 2 of them said that their sexlives arent what they used to be, the 3rd housewive suggested the other 2 that they should buy some latex clothes and change into it before their husbands come home from work. the 2 wives agreed and they made an agreement to come back to the bar in a few days.
after a few days they were sitting at the table in the bar again. the 3rd wive asked the 2 others how it went.
the 1st wive said: well it couldnt have gone better, i changed clothes and waited on my husband, he came into the house and was immediatly sold. the door was barely closed or we were upstairs in the bedroom. we did it whole night long.
the 2 wives were excited and happy for eachother, the they both asked the 3rd wive how it went at her place.
well said the 3rd wive not as good as i hoped.
how come the 2 others asked.
3rd wive said: i was making diner in the kitchen and i saw at the clock that it was only an hour left till my husband came home, so i went to change clothes and waited for him in the kitchen. he came home, hanged his coat away, came into the kitchen, opened the fridge, grabbed a beer and took place in the couch and asked: Well Batman whats for dinner?


----------



## Geedee (Feb 5, 2009)

Bill and Ted where having a beer before the big game and Ted notices that Bill is not his usual self.

“Whassup, Bill ?”

“I just dont understand women !”

“Huh ?, whadja mean ? “

Bill then went on to explain that after the late night earlier in the week in which quite a few beers where consumed, he realised he’s be in trouble when he got home, so he devised a clever plan.

“When I got home, I switched the car engine off and coasted the last few feet up the drive, got out as quite as possible and closed the door very, very gently. I even made sure I got the right key for the front door and let myself in without making any noise. I got undressed in the downstairs hall and tip-toed up the stairs, making sure I didn’t step on the 3 creaky stairs !. As quiet as I could I went to the bathroom and didn’t even flush when I’d finished. Then I crept into the bedroom, very slowly and carefully pulled the covers back on my side of the bed and even more carefully ,climbed into bed.”.

“I was dead chuffed thinking I’d got away with it as I hadn’t even turned on any lights !”.

Then she turned over, looked at me and said in ‘that voice’ …you know, the one where whatever you say or do is only going to make matters worse… “And what time do call this you dirty stop-out…..” and she went on and on and on and on and on so much I went downstairs and slept the night on the couch.

“She hasn’t spoken to me since !”.

Ted starts to laugh uncontrollably at this stage which doesn’t exactly help Bill’s mood.

When Ted has finally calmed down he says to Bill

“ Mate , you got it all wrong !!!”

“When I come home from a late night out on the town, I come screeching into the drive , revving the engine and braking hard and late so as to squeal the wheels. I get out and slam the car doors then spend about five minutes making a racket at the front door as I try to find out how many times its possible to put the wrong key in the door. Then, when I’m in the house, I slam the door shut, bang and clatter all the way up the stairs (after switching all the lights on !) and into the bathroom where I make as much noise as possible. I even pull the flush a few times for good measure. Straight into the bedroom, where I fall over a few times while getting undressed and then rip the sheets back and jump into bed.”

“Then I slap the missus on her behind, and demand in a very loud voice that we have rampant monkey sex straight away !”

“And do you know what ?……she’s always sound asleep !!!!


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## RabidAlien (Feb 5, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 6, 2009)

8)


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## RabidAlien (Feb 9, 2009)

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to quench his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced, and I've never wanted too.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all .


1. Don't waste ammunition.


2. Don' t mess with old people.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2009)

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATHS

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile
nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I
pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? 

I don't think so!!


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## Konigstiger205 (Feb 10, 2009)

Gnomey that was brilliant


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## RabidAlien (Feb 10, 2009)




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## Airframes (Feb 10, 2009)

Brilliant Hugh!


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## parsifal (Feb 10, 2009)

A professor at Penn State was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 


Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, '****... from way back there I thought you said goats.'


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## sturmer (Feb 10, 2009)

Smart lady!

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Old lady: "What seems to be the problem officer?"
Officer:"U where speeding madame"
Old lady:"Oh..."
Offcier:"Can i have you're driverslicence please?"
Old lady:"I would love to if I had one"
Officer:"You dont have a driverslicence?"
Old lady:"No, its been revoced 4 years ago for D.U.I"
Officer:"OK... can i have you're registrationpapers please"
Old lady:"i cant give them"
Officer:"Why not?"
Old lady:"I stole this car"
Officer:"You stole it?"
Old lady:"Yes, and i killed the owner and chopped him into pieces"
Officer:"You did what???"
Old lady:"I chopped the owner into pieces and putted him into shoppingbags, he's in the trunk if you want to see him"

The officer looks at the old lady and is slowly stepping towards his car and call's for reinforcements.
Within 5 minutes 6 patrols cars arrive and surround the old lady.
A sheriff walks towards the old lady with gun drawn.

Sheriff:"Madame, could you step out of the car please"
the old lady steps out of the car.

Old lady:"Is there a problem officer?"
Sheriff:"One of my officers told me that you stole this car and killed the owner"
Old Lady:"Killed the owner...?
Sheriff:"Yes, could you open the trunk?"

The old lady opens the trunk and shows it to the sherrif, the trunk is empty.

Sheriff:"Is this your car madam?"
Old lady:"Yes, look at my registrationpaper."

The officer looks suprised towards the old lady.

Sheriff:"The officer also said that you didnt have a driverslicence"

The old lady starts digging into her purse and takes out a valid driverslicence and necessary papers and shows them to the sheriff, he starts checking and looks towards her with a suprised face.

Sheriff:"Thank you madame, one of my officers called me here and told me you didnt have a driverslicence or registrationpapers and that yoy killed the owner and pushed him into the trunk."
Old lady:"I bet that the bastard also told you that i was speeding??"

Moral of the story: Don't mess with older ladies!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 11, 2009)

Nice series Guys!


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## syscom3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol
parked outside a bar on 6th Street in Austin, Texas. After last call the
officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity in which he tried his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers
on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained still for a few more minutes as
more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot,
he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer
test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence
that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station.

This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'


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## Geedee (Feb 18, 2009)

Have you heard about the blind free-fall parachutist ?.

When asked how he knew when he was getting near the ground, he replied 'Its easy....the dog lead goes slack !'.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 18, 2009)

A husband and wife are on the 9th green, when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

He quickly calls the clubhouse on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke.

His wife looks up from the green and stares at him.
“I'm dying over here and you're putting?”

“Don't worry dear,” he says calmly. “They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.” 

“Well, how long will it take him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody has agreed to let him play through.”


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## Gnomey (Feb 18, 2009)




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## Catch22 (Feb 18, 2009)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3Jkix4o2eQ_


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## v2 (Feb 20, 2009)

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, about 2 hours.'
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?¢ The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?¢ The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor.'
'Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later Bill returned to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'


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## Wurger (Feb 20, 2009)




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## Matt308 (Feb 23, 2009)

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you
can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'


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## RabidAlien (Feb 23, 2009)

Colonoscopies - by Dave Barry


Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for 
the Miami Herald. 

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy 
journal: 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to 
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in 
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a 
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one 
point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy 
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, 
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I 
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain 
was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, 
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' 
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. 
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it 
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of 
America 's enemies. 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around 
being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I 
began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I 
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was 
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less 
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix 
two packets of powder together in a one-liter 
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For 
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes 
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being 
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with 
just a hint of lemon. 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody 
with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This 
is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, 
you may experience contact with the ground. 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too 
graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle 
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with 
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the 
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty 
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You 
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be 
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, 
at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel 
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not 
even eaten yet. 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. 
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very 
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I 
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep 
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on 
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something 
like that? Flowers would not be enough. 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I 
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the 
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other 
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained 
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those 
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind 
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked 
than when you are actually naked. 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in 
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie 
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also 
told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At 
first I was ticked off that I hadn't t hought of this 
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself 
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering 
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but 
to burn your house. 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the 
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an 
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I 
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was 
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on 
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking 
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music 
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, 
of all the songs that could be playing during this 
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the 
least appropriate. 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from 
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it 
was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a 
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I 
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it 
was like. 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, 
ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the 
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the 
other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was 
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt 
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me 
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with 
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal 
organ. 


On the subject of Colonoscopies... 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the 
exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the 
following are actual comments made by his patients 
(predominately male) while he was performing their 
colonoscopies: 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone 
before! 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' 

And the best one of all.... 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up 
there?


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## Catch22 (Feb 23, 2009)

I've had a couple colonoscopies, so that last one was rather funny to me.


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 24, 2009)

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! My wife has lost her voice! How can I help her get it back?"

Doctor: "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 25, 2009)

Nurse: Doctor! Doctor! There's an invisible man in the waiting room!

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now.


------

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Can I have second opinion?

Doctor: Of course, come back tomorrow!

------

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me out!

Doctor: Certainly, which way did you come in?


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 25, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 26, 2009)

Oh...Duh!


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 26, 2009)

Couple more from today's e-mails:



Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a mosquito

Doctor: Go away, sucker!

------

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

------

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Will this ointment clear up my spots?

Doctor: I never make rash promises.


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 27, 2009)

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?

What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

********** Boing! ****************


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 27, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2009)




----------



## fly boy (Feb 27, 2009)

Lucky13 said:


> Admiral Mitcher, 20th June 1944 at 20:45, "Turn on the lights!"



thank god for that plan


----------



## parsifal (Feb 28, 2009)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..


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## v2 (Feb 28, 2009)

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say just one thing!"
What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem! I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time!"

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution!"

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Feb 28, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 1, 2009)

Excellent!


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## RabidAlien (Mar 1, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2009)




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## v2 (Mar 2, 2009)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'.

'She just died and left me everything.'


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## RabidAlien (Mar 3, 2009)




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## ToughOmbre (Mar 3, 2009)

Gettin' old is a bitch!

But time marches on.....

TO


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## Wayne Little (Mar 4, 2009)

Jeez...I'm gonna have nightmares......thanks TO.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 4, 2009)

MY EYES....MY EYES!!!!! AUGGGGGG!


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## Gnomey (Mar 4, 2009)

Arrgh, now that is unpleasant


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Mar 4, 2009)

MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!!


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## Ferdinand Foch (Mar 4, 2009)

Hehe, wow TO, I'm gonna have nightmares for the next week.


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## sturmer (Mar 5, 2009)

why do you guys watch further then that 2nd pic hehe 
to get back on topic.

Kids.

A little boy had problems with putting on his boots, a teacher (kindergarden) noticed it and kneeled infront of the boy and starts helping him.

With pulling and pushing they achieved to put on the first boot and shortly after the 2nd came on.

Then the boy said:" the boots are on the wrong feet", the teacher swallows her oncomming frustration back in and with full disbelief she looks at the feet of the boy.

But he was right, left and right where switched.

For the teacher it was as hard to pull the boots off his feet, to put them back on, this time on the right side.

Despite everything she manages to keep here head cool.

When all the work was done, the little boy said:" those arent my boots".

The teacher started to feel a bit of anger, and she had to bite her tongue to not call the little boy names and start yelling at him.

She only said:" Why didnt you tell that before"

totally undertaken by faith she starts pulling and pushing on the boots again till they came of his feet.

Then the boy starts explaining:" Those are the boots of my brother, but my mom told me to wear them today because it was so cold outside."

From that moment the teacher didnt know what to do, should she start crying quietly or yell at the little boy.
She pulls her courage back together and started to push and pull the stupid boots back on his feet.

Done.

Totally relieved she asks:" Okay, now where are your gloves?"

Where on the little boy answers:" Ive put them in the front of my boots"


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## Wayne Little (Mar 5, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Mar 5, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 6, 2009)

How Tequila works:


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## Wayne Little (Mar 6, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 8, 2009)

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "You want to participate in our competition?"

The guy asks "What's it all about?"

The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! But, if you fail, you have to buy the whole pub a drink."

The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate ... ... the steaks are too high!"


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## RabidAlien (Mar 8, 2009)

"ba-dum, ching!"


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## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2009)

Haha!


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## sturmer (Mar 8, 2009)

good ones


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 15, 2009)

Quotes from Will Rogers.



Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:



1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad 

judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...



First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.



Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.



Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.



Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.



Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.



Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.



Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.



Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.



Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf .



And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


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## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 17, 2009)

Excellent Aaron..


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## RabidAlien (Mar 17, 2009)

A very wise man, indeed!


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 17, 2009)

People can learn a lot from this man.


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## Geedee (Mar 17, 2009)

What happens if you play a Country and Western song backwards ?....You get your house back, your wife back, your dog back, your job back....

(I love C&W !)


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## RabidAlien (Mar 17, 2009)

Gotta love Texas. I found this BBQ grill while out at a client site installing another security camera this morning. BTW....in Texas, this is why you NEVER question the cook:

(ps...sorry 'bout the quality...I was driving by, and only had my cellphone camera on me at the time)


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## RabidAlien (Mar 17, 2009)

Geedee said:


> What happens if you play a Country and Western song backwards ?....You get your house back, your wife back, your dog back, your job back....
> 
> (I love C&W !)



Heh. On that "note"...ya know what happens when you rub a crystal glass backwards? Instead of ringing, an voice cries "Styrafoam is of the devil! Styrafoam is of the devil!"





**ducks**


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## RabidAlien (Mar 18, 2009)

How to Please a Women:

* Compliment her;
* respect her;
* honor her;
* cuddle her;
* caress her;
* love her;
* kiss her;
* stroke her;
* buy things for her;
* comfort her;
* protect her;
* hug her;
* hold her;
* spend money on her;
* wine and dine her;
* listen to her;
* care for her;
* stand by her;
* support her;
* hold her.


How to Please a Man:

* Show up naked;
* Bring beer;
* Skip the small talk;
* Get down to business.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 19, 2009)

My missus loved the first bit...didn't much care for the second part...


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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 20, 2009)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 20, 2009)

I like that Wayne, pretty good.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 21, 2009)

Cheers Aaron! 


They Walk Among Us! 

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one 
of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the 
sky and said, "Where"?


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## ThunderThud (Mar 21, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 21, 2009)

Good one, Thud!!!


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## syscom3 (Mar 22, 2009)

Remember, infant sold separately!


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## Gnomey (Mar 22, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 22, 2009)

Hmmm...wonder if Tom Cruise would fit in there? Seem to recall him threatening to do just that, awhile back...


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## sturmer (Mar 24, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 26, 2009)

Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."




today'sTHOT============================

Life is the ultimate IQ test.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 26, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2009)




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## Airframes (Mar 26, 2009)

Nice ones there, loved the BBC in Iraq!
You might have heard this before, but here's a 'dramatisation' of the transcript of radio traffic from an actual incident, which happened a few years ago, off the coast of Newfoundland IIRC. The..er...names have presumably been changed to protect the innocent/guilty! BTW, you'll need the sound on.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 26, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 26, 2009)

That tale goes back to at least WW1, IIRC! Still, its a frikkin classic and frikkin hilarious!


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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2009)

Yep!


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## Geedee (Mar 27, 2009)

ORDERING A PIZZA IN 2015 

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..." 
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order." 
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" 
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 
6102049998-45-54610." 
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland 
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at 
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which 
number are you calling from, sir?" 
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" 
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir." 
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat 
Special pizzas..." 
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." 
Customer: "Whaddya mean?" 
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high 
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care 
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." 
Customer: "Dang . What do you recommend, then?" 
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure 
you'll like it." 
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" 
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your 
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." 
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. 
What's the damage?" 
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, 
sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99." 
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." 
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. 
Your credit card balance is over its limit." 
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver 
gets here." 
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's 
overdrawn." 
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. 
How long will it take? 
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while 
you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be 
a little awkward." 
Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?" 
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your 
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd 
be using it." 
Customer: "@#%/[email protected]?#!" 
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a 
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop." 
Customer: (Speechless) 
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" 
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of 
Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas." 
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us 
from offering free soda to diabetics."


----------



## Geedee (Mar 27, 2009)

A Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local 
liberal arts college. 
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in 
attendance, 
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 

She said: "Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is 
something 
bothering you?" 

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks 
like you have seen a lot of action." 

The Sergeant Major's short reply was: "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You 
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. 

Finally the young lady said," You know, I hope you don't take this the 
wrong way, but when is the last time that you had sex?" 

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955, ma'am" 
She said, "Well, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything 
so 
seriously! No sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" 

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 27, 2009)

I love your avatar Gary!


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## RabidAlien (Mar 27, 2009)

Yer punchline cut off, GD. *g* Last time I heard that one, she took him to bed, complimented him on his prowess, and said something like "you're pretty good for not having anythign since 1955!" Then he looked at his watch...


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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2009)

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home. 




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-sh%t.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 31, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2009)




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## Njaco (Mar 31, 2009)

An Irish man went to confession in St Patrick's Catholic Church. 

_'Father'_, he confessed, _'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month_.'

The priest told the sinner, _'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' _
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
_'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' _
This time, the priest questioned, _'Who is this Nookie Green_?' 

_'A new woman in the neighborhood_,' the sinner replied. 

_'Very well_,' sighed the priest. _'Go and say ten Hail Mary's_.' 

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. 

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. 

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, _'Is that Nookie Green_?' 

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, _'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.._


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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2009)




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## Vassili Zaitzev (Apr 1, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 2, 2009)

The Letter:


Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on








The Reply:



Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad


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## sturmer (Apr 2, 2009)

that a great one wayne


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## RabidAlien (Apr 2, 2009)

You go, Dad!


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## Gnomey (Apr 2, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 2, 2009)

This may have already been posted once, if so oops, if not, cool. 

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:



The exchange between Churchill Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."



A Member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."



"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -

Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).



"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

- Moses Hadas



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -

Oscar Wilde



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

- 

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

- Winston Churchill, in response.



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -

Stephen Bishop



"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

- John Bright



"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -

Irvin S. Cobb



"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson



"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating



"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -

Charles, Count Talleyrand



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

- Forrest Tucker



"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

- Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -

Oscar Wilde



"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)



"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

- Billy Wilder



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -

Groucho Marx


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## RabidAlien (Apr 2, 2009)




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## Geedee (Apr 3, 2009)

Gut in hospital with 60% burns. Doc tells the nurse to give him two Viagra tablets. "Is that wise in his condition ?" she asks.
"yes! says the doc, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs !".


Paddy says to his mate....I've been taking steroids and I've grown a second d!ck.
"Anabolic ?" his mate asks 
"No" says paddy, just a d!ck


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## Wayne Little (Apr 3, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 3, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 3, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2009)

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK : 
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 
2. Nope, no more booze for me! 
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 
4. MacDonald's? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 
7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no 
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot 
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 4, 2009)

Your not speaking from experience are you Wayne?


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 5, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 5, 2009)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> Your not speaking from experience are you Wayne?



I'm not telling!


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## Gnomey (Apr 5, 2009)




----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (Apr 5, 2009)




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## A4K (Apr 6, 2009)

What is bigamy? It is having one wife too many.
What is monogamy? The same. - Oscar Wilde

To love myself is the beginning of a lifelong romance - Oscar Wilde

Do not pray for an easier life,
Pray to be a stronger person. -The koran

Wouldn't it be a dull old world if all the flowers in the garden were the same shape and colour? -Bah'ai

Trust in God, but tie up your camel - old Arab saying

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness - old Chinese proverb

In this day and age, it's not enough to do unto others as you would have done unto you. Prefer your brother to yourself if you really care about world harmony - Bah'ai

It's better to sleep on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife - The Bible

Some dream,
Some do.
Some do both - Nike ad I saw in Germany!

I never used to be able to finish anything but now
-Loeje

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice - Loeje

I can accept failure,
Everyone fails at something.
What I can't accept is not trying - Michael Jordan

If you always do what you've always done,
You'll always get what you've always got - (? -read somewhere)

Before you can wait for your ship to come in, you must first send one out - (? -as above)

Who knows - maybe someone will write a book about you. - Loeje

On a day like today, Christopher Columbus discovered America. 
What did you do today? - Loeje

God helps those who help themselves - The Bible

Men and women are the two wings of the same bird.
If one wing can't fly the bird stays grounded. - Bah'ai


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 11, 2009)

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. 
The local newspaper read: 
'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT' 
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity 
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. 
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: 
'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS' 
This was too much for the bishop 
so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. 
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. 
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: 
'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN' 
The bishop fainted. 
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, 
so she sold it to a farmer for $10. 
The next day the paper read: 
'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10' 
As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey 
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. 
The next day the headlines read: 
'NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE' 
The bishop was buried the next day.... 
The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion 
can bring you much grief and misery ...and even shorten your life. 
So be yourself and enjoy life..... 
Only worry about your own ASS, not someone else's..... 
You'll be a lot happier and live longer. J


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## RabidAlien (Apr 11, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 12, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2009)

Kevin Rudd (Our Prime Minister) was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. 


Before the security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. 

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. 

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD' 

Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.' 


The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers' 


Kevin said, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'



The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!' 


Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.' 


The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!'


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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 14, 2009)

That was good Wayne!


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## RabidAlien (Apr 14, 2009)




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## v2 (Apr 15, 2009)

Bezpieczny seks na pok³adzie samolotu


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## syscom3 (Apr 19, 2009)

The Tomato Garden



An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.



His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa



A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie


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## Wayne Little (Apr 19, 2009)

Excellent Sys!


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## RabidAlien (Apr 19, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2009)

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against animal are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking..

2 .. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


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## RabidAlien (Apr 20, 2009)

And to think, they're allowed to breed.....and vote....


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Apr 20, 2009)

And that, RA, represents prime candidates for the Darwin Award.


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## RabidAlien (Apr 20, 2009)

Heh. I was thinking "key Cabinet positions", but the Darwins'll do, too.


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Apr 20, 2009)

Oh okay, speaker of the house right? Heh.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2009)




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## v2 (Apr 21, 2009)

...


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## Lucky13 (Apr 21, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 21, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Apr 21, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 21, 2009)

Each Friday night after work, Bourdreaux would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a Venison steak. But, all of his neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled Venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Bourdreaux, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bourdreaux attended Mass, and as the Priest sprinkled Holy water over him, he said “You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.” Bourdreaux’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled Venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bourdreaux’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bourdreaux, clutching a small bottle of Holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted. “You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”


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## Wayne Little (Apr 22, 2009)




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## Ferdinand Foch (Apr 23, 2009)

Nice one RA. Hey Lucky, couldn't stop laughing about the Wal-Mart joke. 
Anyway, got this from my grandpa, hope its funny. 

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following:

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3.. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean. "

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10 You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Apr 23, 2009)

I got that one too, funny.


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## Gnomey (Apr 23, 2009)

Yeah that is a good one


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## RabidAlien (Apr 24, 2009)

Hadn't seen that one before!!!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2009)

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the gates and St. Peter opens them. 

"Yes?", asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus", says the Paki.

St Peter turns around and shouts, “Jesus, your taxi’s here”


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## ccheese (Apr 24, 2009)

Charles


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## RabidAlien (Apr 24, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 24, 2009)

How can I live among this gentle,
obsolescent breed of heroes and not weep?
Unicorns almost,
for they are fading into legends...


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## Lucky13 (Apr 24, 2009)

I'll probably never hear the end of it for posting this pic, but here goes...


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## RabidAlien (Apr 24, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2009)




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## Ferdinand Foch (Apr 24, 2009)




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## Geedee (Apr 24, 2009)

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. 

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???' 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."


The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with

a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, 

the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 


The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.."You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." 

"What is your SECOND request ???" 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...


I SAID ....









"BRING POSSE"


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## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 24, 2009)

*Elderly Couple*

An elderly couple is sitting in a diner remembering the old days. 

The man say to the woman "Honey, do you remember the first time we made love? It was right against the fence behind this diner!" 

The old woman giggles and the old man says "Hey, what do you say we sneak out back and see if we still have it?" 

They slip out of the diner and head out back. 

A couple of minutes later, a cop pulls around and sees the two going at it like teenagers. 

He laughs to himself and lets them finish. 

When they were finished, the cop says to the old man "That was quite a display for a guy your age....were you that wild 50 years ago?" 

The man says "Naw 50 years ago the fence wasn't electrified!"

Wheelsup


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## RabidAlien (Apr 24, 2009)

Elderly couple were sitting on their porch swing one evening, watching the sun set, when the old woman reached over and smacked her husband across the shins with her cane. "What the heck was that for?" he exclaimed. "That's for 50 years' of bad sex," came the reply.

He couldn't really argue with that. A few minutes passed, when all of a sudden the elderly gentleman picked up his cane and whacked his wife upside the head, knocking her off the swing! "That, my dear, is for knowing the difference."


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## RabidAlien (Apr 24, 2009)

Lone Ranger and Tonto were being chased across the countryside by an entire tribe of angry Apache. Finally, cornered in a dead-end canyon, with angry natives lining the tops of the walls and advancing up the canyon behind them, the Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and says "Well, this looks like the end, my friend. I don't think we're going to get out of this one." Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and replies "What you mean 'we', white man?"


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## Geedee (Apr 24, 2009)

Lone Ranger and Tonto pull up outside a saloon on a hot and dusty day. It so hot that the Lone Ranger says to Tonto "Theres no wind, its too hot, theres no shade and I dont want Silver to overheat, so I want you to move around him all the tieme to create draft to keep him cool !"
Tonto mutters something under his breath....that I decline to translate....and says "OK, Kemosabi, I keep silver cool"
The Lone Ranger walks into the saloon and orders a cool drink. Then has another one and is just about to have a third when when a Cowpoke bursts in through the swing doors and starts asking the folks in the bar, "Who owns the White Stallion out the front ?"
The Lone Ranger moves away from the bar and says "Thats Silver my horse...why ?"

The Cowpoke replies "Just thought you should know, you've left yer Injun running !


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## RabidAlien (Apr 24, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 25, 2009)

Jesus Gary...


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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2009)




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## Ferdinand Foch (Apr 25, 2009)

Hehe, good one GD, that's not politically incorrect, after all.


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## Matt308 (Apr 26, 2009)

A Crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. 

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: 

COLD BEER: $2.00 

HAMBURGER: $2.25 

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50 

HAND JOB: $50.00 

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. 

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. 

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" 

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" 

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am". 

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".


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## RabidAlien (Apr 26, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 26, 2009)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 26, 2009)

Wheelsup


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## Ferdinand Foch (Apr 26, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2009)

Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood 

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. 

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. 

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. 

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" 

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. 

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" 

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free. 

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" 

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. 

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" 

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". 

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. 

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. 

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. 

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. 

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. 

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. 

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." 

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." 

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way." 

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. 

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. 

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. 

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. 

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, 

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." 

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." 

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" 

"You forget that I am optically challenged." 

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have." 

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child." 

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" 

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. 

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!" 

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. 

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. 

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. 

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams." 

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. 

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." 

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?" 

"Sure," said the Wolf. 

"Thanks." 

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"


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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2009)

In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any class of people, I thought we'd put together some examples of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere. 

WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? 

This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink coffee for religious reasons. 

RIGHT: Why can't pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short rest between job tasks? 

Because the Mail Police are reading this joke. 

WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant? 

This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists, vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons. 

RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever? 

Ask the Mail Police for full instructions. 

WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo? 

This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourages automobile use. 

RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle? 

Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed on Tandem Mail. 

WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive? 

This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism, elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own. Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs they do. 

RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do you rescue all of them before it collapses? 

First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially. 

WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman? 

There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values. 

The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways. First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second, it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since it has a heterosexualist bias. 

RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction? 

Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else. 

WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a dyslexic agnostic? 

Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted. This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members of certain religious groups may also find these random matings offensive to their belief systems. 

RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel comfortable working together at Tandem. 

I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away. 

WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. 

Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage. 

RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini. 

WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island. 

Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about the competition. Simply describing their products is all the humor that's necessary. 

RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to see if it crashes, which it probably will. 

WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob? 

Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and offensive to women and vegetarians. 

RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police? 

WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having sex with him. 

That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City. 

RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're arguing with the Mail Police. 

WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb? 

Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over improper use of their product. 

RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?" 

Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a violation of something. 

WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer? 

Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with my food."


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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2009)

Here's something whipped up while frustrated on USC campus. These are blatant stereotypes which will probably label me as a male chauvanist pig and my mailbox will runneth over. But its intent is to be humorous. Do with it what you will. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The official list of types of p*ssy found throughout the land.


1. Expensive P*ssy: Most p*ssy falls into this definition. Expensive P*ssy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of the p*ssy found on the USC campus falls into this catagory. 

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. 

Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Cheap p*ssy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap p*ssy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off. 
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this. 

Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other p*ssy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Hired p*ssy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired p*ssy and Expensive p*ssy is that the money is up-front. 
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive p*ssy. 

Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap p*ssy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Virgin p*ssy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin p*ssy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason. 
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained. 

Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause "accidents," can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Nympho p*ssy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your b*lls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania. 
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once. 

Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Frigid p*ssy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this p*ssy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration). 
Advantages: There are no advantages. 

Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Innocent Nympho p*ssy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper catagory. 
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can. 

Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Party p*ssy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience. 
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things. 

Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it. 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. Nutsy p*ssy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker. 
Advantages: Easy. 

Disadvantages: Never really worth it.


----------



## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2009)

Chemical Analysis


Element:
Woman 

Symbol:
WO 

Discoverer:
Adam 

Quantitative Analysis:
Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60 have been identified. 

Occurrence:
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas. 

Physical Properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. 

Chemical Properties:
Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. 

Storage:
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years. 

Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). 

Tests:
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen. 

Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 27, 2009)

Honestly, I couldn't make it all the way through the politically-correct ones.


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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 27, 2009)

We have the one for women hung in the shop.


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 28, 2009)

some good stuff!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 29, 2009)

Somali pirate hat:


----------



## Airframes (Apr 29, 2009)

I like it!


----------



## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2009)

Love it!


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2009)




----------



## v2 (May 1, 2009)

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap! My boyfriend is buying me flowers again!" The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers
from your boyfriend?" The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he
always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs up in the air." 
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"


----------



## RabidAlien (May 1, 2009)

Wrong....so very wrong.........


so why am I laughing so hard?


----------



## Lucky13 (May 1, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (May 1, 2009)

Haha!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 1, 2009)

The pirate hat and the vase were good.  

Wheelsup


----------



## Wayne Little (May 2, 2009)




----------



## v2 (May 2, 2009)

Couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for North Otago . .


----------



## Catch22 (May 2, 2009)

Ouch, that would be an unpleasant surprise.


----------



## Wayne Little (May 2, 2009)

....


----------



## RabidAlien (May 2, 2009)

Divorce would definitely be justified!


----------



## Gnomey (May 2, 2009)

Now that would knock you back a bit...


----------



## RabidAlien (May 2, 2009)

Heh....didn't Lucky have a date this weekend?


----------



## Wayne Little (May 3, 2009)

Depends on whether he had enough breath to blow her up .......jeez I think I'm gonna pay for that.....


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 3, 2009)




----------



## Ferdinand Foch (May 5, 2009)

Hey, here are a couple of stories that, in the words of Tough Ombre, show just how stupid the human race can be. 


SORTA MAKES ONE WONDER HOW PEOPLE THINK... 


Letters 'Dear Abby' admitted she was at a loss to answer: 


Dear Abby: A couple of women moved across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? 


Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR? 


Dear Abby: I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. 


Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. 


Dear Abby: I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. 


Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? 



Dear Abby: (My Favorite) I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. 


Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. 


Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what?


----------



## RabidAlien (May 5, 2009)

Yep, definitely Lebanese! If he asks nicely, maybe he can join and make them Bicentennial!!!!


----------



## Lucky13 (May 5, 2009)

Last year I upgraded Boyfriend 5.0 to Man 1.0 and noticed a deterioration in performance in the Flower and Jewelry programs (which was working perfectly before with Boyfriend 5.0). 
Furthermore so did Man 1.0 uninstall many useful programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed other less useful ones like Bet 5.0 and Sports News 3.0.0

Conversation 8.0 doesn't work anymore and House Cleaning 2.6 makes the whole system crash. I've tried to run Nag 5.3 to fix the problem but that doesn't help. What should I do?

From,
Desperate






Dear Desperate,

First, remember that Boyfriend 5.0 is a maintenance program, while Man 1.0 is operative one. Try to run the commando C:/I THOUGH THAT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Man 1.0 will then automatically run programs Guilt 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, using these too often will cause Man 1.0 to restore itself to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 and Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a old and poor program that creates Snore_High.WAV flies. Whatever you do, do NOT install MotherInlaw 1.0 or another Boyfriend program. These programs are NOT supported and will make Man 1.0 crash.

To sum it all up, Man 1.0 is a excellent program, but it has its limitations like limited memory and takes time to leant new functions. You could consider to buy some add ons to improve the performance.
Personaly I recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Sexy Underwear 6.9.

Good luck,
Technical Support


----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (May 5, 2009)

Ha, that one never gets old!


----------



## Lucky13 (May 5, 2009)

You have seen it, aye? Wasn't too sure, had to translate it from Swedish to English.....


----------



## RabidAlien (May 5, 2009)

Yeah, that one's been floating around for several years, in various incarnations of add-on software and bug-glitches. I saw one that took about two pages to read through, with some really hilarious problems/solutions (upgrade to BatteryOpToys9.1.3, this should help improve Sex.L1.Fe functions). Still...these incarnations never get old!


----------



## Gnomey (May 5, 2009)

Yeah the Boyfriend/Wife one has been circulating for a while, doesn't mean it doesn't crack me up still.


----------



## Airframes (May 5, 2009)

I'm still chuckling!


----------



## sturmer (May 6, 2009)

*Business Update

IKEA to take over GM*

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM, AND TO SELL CARS.


WE ARE IN DEEP ****.......................





*+*


----------



## Lucky13 (May 6, 2009)

Well, at least then you can't blame GM for the cr*ppy build quality! You only have yourself then.....


----------



## RabidAlien (May 6, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (May 6, 2009)

Very true lucky


----------



## Wayne Little (May 7, 2009)

How many parts would be left over when you're done Jan?


----------



## v2 (May 7, 2009)

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.


----------



## RabidAlien (May 7, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 7, 2009)




----------



## gumbyk (May 7, 2009)

Wayne Little said:


> How many parts would be left over when you're done Jan?



Yeah, but the funny thing is, you'd have 5 of part A, 7 of part B and 248 of part Z left over, and it'd still run like there wasn't anything missing!


----------



## Gnomey (May 8, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (May 8, 2009)

gumbyk said:


> Yeah, but the funny thing is, you'd have 5 of part A, 7 of part B and 248 of part Z left over, and it'd still run like there wasn't anything missing!



True!


----------



## magnu (May 8, 2009)

A long haul flight runs into some bad weather, the captain informs his passengers 
"Ladies and gentlemen we are about to experience some turbulence so please fasten your seatbelts and remain seated."
A real rollercoaster of a flight ensues as they go through the storm 
After about half an hour they clear the weather.
The captain come on the com.
"Ladies and Gentlemen we are now clear of the storm and will be reacing our destination shortly. The rest of the flight will be in clear air so no further turbulence is expected."
He then turns to the copilot 
"That was some real rough air,what I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."
Unfortunatly he hasn't turned the coms. off. 
A stewardess runs towards the cockpit to inform him of his error,just as she is about to reach the door an old lady grabs her by the elbow 
"You musn't forget his beer dear"


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## Wayne Little (May 9, 2009)




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## wheelsup_cavu (May 12, 2009)

Wheelsup


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## Lucky13 (May 16, 2009)

Ὢ ξείν’, ἀγγέλλειν Λακεδαιμονίοις ὅτι τῆδε κείμεθα τοὶς κείνων ρήμασι πειθόμενοι. 

"Go tell the Spartans, stranger passing by, that here, obedient to their laws, we lie"


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## Cota1992 (May 18, 2009)

A real old one but I like how some people can laugh at anything


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## RabidAlien (May 18, 2009)

A sense of humor is definitely required to live in this world!


----------



## Ferdinand Foch (May 18, 2009)

Hey, does anyone remember these kind of answers in high school? I know I do!

How to fail school tests with dignity. 

Example 1) 



Example 2)



Example 3) 



Example 4) 


Example 5) 



Example 6) 



Example 7)


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## Ferdinand Foch (May 18, 2009)

Ok, round two. 
https://lscmail.lyndonstate.edu/mai...x/Fw: Failing Tests with Dignity.EML?Cmd=open


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## RabidAlien (May 19, 2009)

A pirate captain procured a map that claimed to lead to buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, his crew caught site of an island, right where the treasure map showed it to be. The captain and his first mate disembarked to search out the treasure, which was supposed to lie deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island they found a swamp. The captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp, even though their feet sank into the muck. As they proceeded, the swamp got deeper; oozy mud rose above their ankles; soon they were knee-deep. Suddenly, the captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, groping through the slime, and pulled up a treasure chest. Eagerly they pried the lock, and discovered gold and jewels beyond imagination!

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye! Booty is only shin deep!"


----------



## Geedee (May 22, 2009)

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.


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## Wayne Little (May 22, 2009)

....


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 22, 2009)

LMAO, Nice....


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 22, 2009)

Good one Gary. 


Wheelsup


----------



## RabidAlien (May 22, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (May 22, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 24, 2009)

Bottle Of Perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.


----------



## Ferdinand Foch (May 25, 2009)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 26, 2009)

Wheelsup


----------



## Matt308 (May 26, 2009)

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .. 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. 
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. 
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. 
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, After which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. 

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. 
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. 
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. 
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and Walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. 

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. 
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. 
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. 
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. 
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. 
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs And slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 

Probably wasn't the same elephant. 
____________________________________________________________________
This one is for all those people who send me those mamby-pamby feel-good animals luv humans stories.


----------



## Gnomey (May 26, 2009)

The stupidity of people...


----------



## Flyboy2 (May 26, 2009)

Haha 

I like this site
Invisible Fighter - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Once you get to the redisgnation part its kinda dumb though


----------



## RabidAlien (May 27, 2009)

A man is walking home one day after a particularly hard day at work. Seeing an old bottle on the ground, he kicks it, and out pops a genie! "You kicked my bottle, so you're only getting one wish. And no wishes for more wishes!"

The man thinks about it for a second, then an idea pops into his head. "I want to piss Vodka."

The genie is startled by this request. "You want to PISS vodka???"

"Yeah," the man responds. "The good stuff, too. Only the best!"

The genie nods, and disappears. The man runs home, eager to tell his wife what happened. They decide that the only thing left to do is to test the genie's gift. So the man unzips and proceeds to fill two shot-glasses. Tentatively, he holds one glass up to the light. "Looks like vodka, to me." He sniffs it. "Smells like it, too." He dips a finger tip in, and tastes it. "Man! That is some genie! This stuff is GOOD!" They then proceed to get roaring drunk. 

The next day, the man rushes home to his wife, who greets him at the door with two glasses, and they party until the wee hours of the morning. 

The third day, when she greets him, he tells her to put one of the glasses back, that they'll only need one tonight. "One glass?" she inquires. "Why only one?"

"Tonight, you're drinking from the bottle."


----------



## spit5 (May 28, 2009)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpMnl06Gy1c_


----------



## Gnomey (May 28, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 29, 2009)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 29, 2009)

Wheelsup


----------



## sabrina (May 30, 2009)

Just watched some clips from Jay Leno's Headines. 

A newspaper article about texting chose the wrong title:
"Need a girlfriend? Help may be in your palm."

_Newspaper Ad: _ HOT ITEM! Brand new Blu-Ray DVD, "The Sound of Mucis"

Found on the back of an appliance: "WARNING: assembled in Mexico"

Newspaper Headline: "Tiger Woods plays with own balls"

Got to love statistics: "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age of 25."

Time to get a divorce? Headline: "Fisherman arrested for using wife as shark bait."

Dangers of the job: Newspaper: "A Florida phone sex operator has won a workers' compensation case, claiming that she was injured after regularly masturbating at work."

Headline: "Bonnie blows Clinton!" Oh, did we fail to mention that Bonnie is a hurricane and Clinton is a town?? oops.

Headline: "Clinton's firmness gets results."

Jane Fonda to teenagers: "Use head to avoid pregnancy."

Florida's advice: "Tips to avoid alligator attacks: don't swim in waters inhabite by large alligators."

Headlines:

"Clinton apologizes to syphilis victims."

"Student excited dad got head job."

"Typhoon rips through cemetary: hundreds dead."

"Prostitutes appeal to Pope."

"Iraqi head seeks arms."

"Never withhold herpes infection from loved one."

"Drunk gets nine months in violin case."

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers." (that will stop 'em!)


----------



## sabrina (May 30, 2009)

Some more headlines:

. Teenage girls often have babies fathered by men 
. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 
. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 
. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies 
. Infertility unlikely to be passed on 
. Actual Headline: Work after Death 
. Child's death ruins couple's holiday 
. Milk drinkers are turning to powder 
. Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear 
. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
. Lack of brains hinders research 
. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 
. Two convicts evade noose, jury hung 
. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 
. Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies 
. Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency 
. How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs 
. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead


----------



## Wayne Little (May 30, 2009)

One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.

"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his back over by the holy water," the boy informed him.


----------



## sturmer (Jun 2, 2009)

wayne thats a good one


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## RabidAlien (Jun 4, 2009)

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.



He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.


Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 4, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jun 4, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 4, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2009)

An old couple who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a
long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to
get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered ..

'Is that one word or two?


----------



## Airframes (Jun 5, 2009)

Brilliant Wayne, I'm still chuckling!


----------



## sabrina (Jun 6, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2009)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 7, 2009)

_That night, all night, the destroyers chased Japs subs. On the decks of the destroyers, underneath the stars, were piled dead and wounded bodies. Survivors of the Yorktown watched the hulk of their ship still floating through the night. Perhaps she could still be saved?
But at dawn, salvage was seen to be impossible. The ship had a terrible list to port. 
Said Captain Buckmaster, "Her flightdeck was in the water, Her battle flags were still flying. We hadn't taken them down."
At 6.30 a.m. all hands on the patrolling destroyers were called on deck. 
"Come on topside," somebody said to Chief Wright, "and see your ship go down." Gradually the Yorktown was settling. There was no comotion, no fire. Nobody said anything. She was going stern first.
Taps sounded out across the water from all the destroyers.
Sailors, lining the rails, raised their hands in salute.
At 7.01 a.m. the Yorktown sank. It was June 7, six months to the hour after the first shot at Pearl Harbor._



From Life magazine, November 16th, 1942....


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jun 7, 2009)




----------



## v2 (Jun 7, 2009)

A man feared his wife Gloria wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Frank , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 8, 2009)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 8, 2009)

Wheelsup


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2009)




----------



## diddyriddick (Jun 9, 2009)

A woman goes to the doctor. In the examining room, the medico says to her, " I hope this isn't too forward, but you have the breasts of a 20 year old woman." Somewhat redfaced, the woman thanks the Doc and finishes the visit.

Later that afternoon, her husband walks in to find her admiring herself in the mirror. "What in hell are you doing," he asks. So she told him of her interview with the Doctor that day. "Did he mention your 40 year-old ass?" he responded.

No, she answered, your name never came up.


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## Thorlifter (Jun 9, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 10, 2009)




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## Soren (Jun 10, 2009)

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 10, 2009)




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## Soren (Jun 10, 2009)

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 10, 2009)

ROFLMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 11, 2009)




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## Soren (Jun 11, 2009)

Ok, one more for today..


A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 11, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 11, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 11, 2009)

Good old Zachary....


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## Soren (Jun 11, 2009)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him over for 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his "attorney," who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The $10 million is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"


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## RabidAlien (Jun 11, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jun 11, 2009)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 12, 2009)

Wheelsup


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## Wayne Little (Jun 12, 2009)




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## Soren (Jun 12, 2009)

The Boss had to fire someone. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."


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## BikerBabe (Jun 12, 2009)

Søren:   

This is a real life story, as experienced by a former colleague of mine at the museum in Copenhagen, back when the Police Museum was still an active police station:

Three police officers was staying at the police station, it was friday night, and they had the evening watch.
There were lots of activities going on during the evening and night in the precinct, so the officers had more than enough to do.
A couple of other police officers brought a small group of _very _drunken guys in, throwing them in the slammer for the night.

Now, those rather intoxicated guys had a ball, they were singing and yelling and generally raising hell, driving the officers on the watch more or less mad with their noisy behaviour, because the office was located right next to the detention cells, making it impossible to concentrate enough to do paper work (- or any other kind of work!) for the cops.

When one of the officers had had more than enough of the "guest's" godawful loud singing and yelling, he went in and stood and looked at the cell doors for a little while, while his colleagues was watching and wondering just exactly _what _he'd do to stop the noisy, irritating behaviour.

Then the officer yelled at the top of his lungs:
"Now that's ENOUGH with all that godawful noise and singing! If you guys don't SHUT UP, we'll throw you OUT of here!"

They shut up, being too drunk to actually realise _what _the officer had told them!


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## Njaco (Jun 12, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 12, 2009)

..

My brother in law sent me this....I kinda liked it!?


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## RabidAlien (Jun 12, 2009)




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## Soren (Jun 12, 2009)

There's so much truth in that one Wayne!


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## Gnomey (Jun 12, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 13, 2009)

Soren said:


> There's so much truth in that one Wayne!



Sure is!


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## v2 (Jun 13, 2009)

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees .

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer,
he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the 20 women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until
you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

....Some old men can still think fast.


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## Catch22 (Jun 13, 2009)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 13, 2009)

Wheelsup


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## Wayne Little (Jun 14, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2009)

Haha!


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## Soren (Jun 14, 2009)

I gotta remember that one for the right occasion


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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2009)

"The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley"

Robert Burns....


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## RabidAlien (Jun 17, 2009)

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. So have a cup now and then! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

And remember: 
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


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## Wayne Little (Jun 17, 2009)

.......


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## Geedee (Jun 17, 2009)

The International Council of Man Laws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b)The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird andguilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.

22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!'gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation- End of story.

23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

24. Never wear a man bag to work.

25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next, fatty!'


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## Catch22 (Jun 17, 2009)

There's like 113 of those Gary, it's all on a Facebook group. I'll go find them.


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## Catch22 (Jun 17, 2009)

Man Laws (There's a lot of them, but worth reading!)

1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)

5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.

13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really sh!tty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

18. You poke it you own it.

19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.

21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).

23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.

24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.

26. All men must eat meat. A sh!tload of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick sh!t like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"

29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.

30. Under no circumstance should any one man c__ckblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that c__kblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manb!tch.

31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, and Drew Westerfield).

33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manb!tch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

35. Women can't drive.

36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manb!tch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

*38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.*

39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.


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## Catch22 (Jun 17, 2009)

40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.

44. Sex is more important then talking

45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.

47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."

50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.

57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).

60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

61. A man purse is still a purse.

62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. this is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.

68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.


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## Catch22 (Jun 17, 2009)

70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.

72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.

77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.

80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.

82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.

83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married.

86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monicristo, CAO (Cade Mayo).

92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg).

93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. (Boots Jones)

94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullsh!t!" (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

99. B!tching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)

104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.

106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patricks Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patricks Day. Green and/ or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.

112.When passing another man in a tight area were contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "___" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status. (Cody Miller)

113. If any man is caught in the act of fornification on video tape, friend or not...no permission is needed to share the video, remember "sharing is caring" see law 72.(Dusty McDaniel)

These are great, but some of them are a little iffy for the forum. I edited out swears and stuff, but I will remove them if you need me to.


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## Geedee (Jun 18, 2009)

Strewth mate....how am I gonna remember all of those ?.


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## RabidAlien (Jun 18, 2009)

#74, Gee....#74.


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## BikerBabe (Jun 18, 2009)

Gentlemen...Lysistrata had a good idea, and good ideas can be used again - remember that.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 19, 2009)

BikerBabe said:


> Gentlemen...Lysistrata had a good idea, and good ideas can be used again - remember that.



Had to look it up but that's funny yet true.
I think it was tried recently in Kenya...


Wheelsup


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## RabidAlien (Jun 19, 2009)

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!) 


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE ~ WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


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## Wayne Little (Jun 19, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jun 19, 2009)




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## diddyriddick (Jun 20, 2009)

Saw this on another forum, and couldn't resist....

The seven dwarves visit the pope at the vatican and Dopey rings the doorbell.
The pope answers the door and asks "Dopey, my son, what can I do for you ?"
Dopey, with a very serious voice asks, "excuse me your excellancy, but are there many dwarf nuns in Rome ?"
The pope smiles and answers, "no Dopey, there are NO dwarf nuns in Rome."
The other dwarfs srart giggling.
Dopey then asks, "your holiness, are there many dwarf nuns in Italy ?"
The pope looks at Dopey and answers "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Italy."
The other dwarfs star laughing loudly.
Dopey continues, "please Mr. pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ?"
The pope, a tad frustrated by now, says, Dopey, there are NO DWARF NUNS ANYWHERE ! why do you ask ?"
The other dwarves are rolling about on the ground in stitches, tears streaming from there eyes and chanting....Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin....


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 20, 2009)

Wheelsup


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## v2 (Jun 21, 2009)

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"


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## Lucky13 (Jun 21, 2009)

"However, most servicemen could not wait to muster out and become civilians once again. Many of these 19-, 20- and 21-year old 'kids' had children of their own which they had not yet seen. If it had not been for these so called 'kids', however, who had fought like men, and their much 22-, 23- and 24- year old battle hardened peers, the world we know today might very well have been a very different place"


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## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 24, 2009)

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."





today'sTHOT============================

The first restaurant on the moon will never do very well. It might have great food, but no atmosphere.


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## Wayne Little (Jun 24, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jun 24, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 24, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2009)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports

required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it

would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire

for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish,

a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I

wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel

inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,

why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can

make a woman truly happy."







The Lord replied,



.

. 

. 

. 





"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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## sabrina (Jun 25, 2009)




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## sabrina (Jun 25, 2009)

*Top 10 Reasons a Handgun is Better than a Woman:*

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 25, 2009)

ROFLAMO!!!!!!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 25, 2009)

Good one Sabrina. 8)


Wheelsup


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## RabidAlien (Jun 25, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 25, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 26, 2009)




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## v2 (Jun 26, 2009)

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle 
Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on 
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy 
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran 
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the 
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my goodness!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he 
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he 
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the 
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??"


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## sabrina (Jun 26, 2009)




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## lingo (Jun 26, 2009)

Little Children made safe 



After her untimely death, Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates. 



St Peter greeted her, saying: "Since you brought so much happiness with your acting during your time on earth, I will grant you one wish for the world you leave behind". 



Without a hesitation she answered: "I just want all the little children to be safe" 



Poof! 



Michael Jackson suddenly appeared behind her.


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## sabrina (Jun 26, 2009)

Nice timing.


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## RabidAlien (Jun 26, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 26, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 26, 2009)

Did you hear. Seeing as how Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery they've decided to donate his body to the Lego Building Block company to make more legos. Now all the little kids can play with Michael.


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## sabrina (Jun 28, 2009)

This was passed on to me: unfortunately it's all true and not fiction. Amazing what people attempt to get away with in this country. 

_A Few Ideas on How to be Rich:_

A New York prison inmate is filing suit for $8 million against the state after he accidentally shot himself with a gun he illegally smuggled into the penitentiary. The inmate states that better security would have prevented him from getting the weapon inside.

NBC’s “Tonight Show” was sued by a Cincinnati, Ohio man for injuries he sustained during the pre-show. He was injured when a free T-shirt struck him in the eye.

Two suspected drug dealers were shot in a gang-related war. The two sued the owners of Ramada Inn parking lot where it occurred for /$1.5 million in damages. The Florida hotel is appealing.

A California grandmother is suing Disneyland after she and her grandchildren witnessed Mickey Mouse taking off his costume backstage. The suit is due to her grandchildren’s traumatic experience.

Philip Garner sued his New York City landlord for $1 million. He claims that his caused him great distress when the toilet in his apartment exploded.

A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made it easier for them to stall the would-be robber until police arrived. The failed bank robber is now suing the bank for discrimination.

An Arizona woman, Michele Nations, was walking through a park when she stumbled on a gopher hole, tripped, and sprained her ankle. She sued the city for failing to post a warning that such hazards might exist in the park. She won $450,000.

_And, saving the best for last:_

A man sued the city of San Diego for $5.4 million after he suffered emotional trauma at an Elton John concert in Municipal Stadium. The man says that a woman was using the men’s urinal, a sight that he claims he found extremely upsetting. 
__________________


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## Wayne Little (Jun 28, 2009)

If anyone is moving house...(Chris!?) you might want to see if this guy could help?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 28, 2009)

WHOA!!!!!!!  Do you think he will actually make it?


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## syscom3 (Jun 28, 2009)

sabrina said:


> ....
> A man sued the city of San Diego for $5.4 million after he suffered emotional trauma at an Elton John concert in Municipal Stadium. The man says that a woman was using the men’s urinal, a sight that he claims he found extremely upsetting.



Lets not jump to conclusions. Maybe the woman was a beach whale that traumatized more than a few men.


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## Wayne Little (Jun 28, 2009)

...must have been some friggin' scary whale then....


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## RabidAlien (Jun 28, 2009)

sabrina said:


> This was passed on to me: unfortunately it's all true and not fiction. Amazing what people attempt to get away with in this country.
> 
> _A Few Ideas on How to be Rich:_
> 
> ...




Its crap like this that's screwing up our legal system. Juries need to grow balls and laugh these morons out of the courtroom. A bank robber suing the bank he just robbed????? SCREW HIM!!!!!! That's not discrimination...that's frikkin innovation!


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## GrauGeist (Jun 29, 2009)

Where do those idiots think the money comes from in the first place? A magical money cow out back?

Anybody with at least two braincells connecting can figure out that the money ends up coming from the consumer/taxpayers...

...and LOL @ the whale comments!


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## syscom3 (Jun 29, 2009)

JEWISH PARROTS 
A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem.

Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has
visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi! We're 
hookers. Want to have some fun?" 

To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two 
male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant, spending much of the day praying in their cage.

He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house,
his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots. 

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two
parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with
two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis (prayer shawl)
and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they
shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're hookers.Want to have some fun ?" 

One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking:
"Moishe, put the book down. Our prayers have been answered!"


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## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Jun 29, 2009)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 29, 2009)

Syscom.


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2009)

Here's a good one!


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## GrauGeist (Jun 29, 2009)

Good one, Wayne!


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## Geedee (Jun 30, 2009)

If you receive an e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu, ignore it.....





Its Spam !


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## RabidAlien (Jun 30, 2009)

@GeeDee and Wayne!




DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY! 

Don't forget to mark your calendars. 
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked.. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. 

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. 

God bless America ! 

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat..


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## Geedee (Jun 30, 2009)

How To Shower Like a Woman 

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. 
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. 
Get in the shower. 
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 Added vitamins. 
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 
Rinse conditioner off hair. 
Shave armpits and legs. 
Turn off shower. 
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. 
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. 
Get out of shower. 
Dry with towel the size of a small country. 
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head. 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 



Any of our Ladies like to admit to any of the above? 



In the interest of fairness, I now present "How To Shower Like a Man" 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 
Walk naked to the bathroom. 
If you see wife along the way, shake mating tackle at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. 
Admire the size of your mating tackle and scratch your b*m. 
Get in the shower. 
Wash your face. 
Wash your armpits. 
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off. 
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. 
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 
Wash your b*m, leaving those coarse b*m hairs stuck on the soap. 
Wash your hair. 
Make a Shampoo Mohawk. 
Wee. 
Rinse off and get out of shower. 
Partially dry off. 
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. 
Admire mating tackle size in mirror again. 
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake mating tackle at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 
Throw wet towel on bed. 


Honestly, I can't see anything wrong here


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## 5bR6897 (Jun 30, 2009)

Thanks Wayne....

My wife and I had actually been missing a few things from the move. Now we know where they are!. I guess that is what is to be expected when dealing with the low bidder!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 1, 2009)

You're welcome..5bR!

Can't see anything wrong either Gary...


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## lingo (Jul 1, 2009)

Standard Operating Procedures 

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 
Routine... 
(1) The woman buys the food. 
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables
and makes dessert. 
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. 
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. 

Here comes the important part: 
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 
More routine... 
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat. 
Important again: 
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. 
More routine... 
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table. 
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
And most important of all: 
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


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## syscom3 (Jul 1, 2009)

In honor of the 44th President of the United States ,

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. 

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. 

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a

large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is

taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change,

holding an empty cone with no hope of getting

any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 1, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 2, 2009)




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## Geedee (Jul 2, 2009)

How the British Armed Forces deal with Snakes (probably the same for other Forces ?)

1.Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2.Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.

3.Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

4.Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

5.Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake

6.Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

7.Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8.Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.

9.Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

10.Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

11.TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

12.RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Tornados, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

13.Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

14.Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

15.Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.

16.Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

17. Ministry of Defence: Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services and secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.


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## RabidAlien (Jul 2, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 2, 2009)

One Morning the teacher asked her students what they wanted out of life...

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". 
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."


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## lingo (Jul 2, 2009)

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants 
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were 
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this 
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses 
the day after the ad came out. 

All from the same person.


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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2009)




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## Amsel (Jul 2, 2009)

I love it!


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## Amsel (Jul 2, 2009)

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.

As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin'.


The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar's no way yur comin' over that thar fence."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Texas Three-Kick' rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Texas Three-Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, 'till someone gives."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back the farmer's third kick caused him to see stars.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, 

"No way, mister, I give up. 
You can have the duck!"


----------



## lingo (Jul 2, 2009)

I have been watching you all very closely to see if you've been good 
this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some 
goodies for me to leave under your tree. I was going to bring you all 
the gifts from the "Twelve days of Christmas", but we had a little 
problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD 
from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; The Eleven Lords a Leaping 
have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; The Nine Pipers Piping have 
all been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming; 
The Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two 
Turtle Doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in 
bird ****. On top of this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight 
of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation, 
and those dumb asses in Poland have postponed Christmas for the fifth of 
February.

Sincerely,
Santa


----------



## lingo (Jul 2, 2009)

The Drunk and The Blonde....! 

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blond a few seats down from him. 

A fellow at the other end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. 

The glass hits the blonde's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! 
He's lying on the floor moaning and groaning. "how come you let the bartender do it?" he asks the blonde? 

She answers: "Because he has got-------


Can you try and guess her answer? 
Even if you don't, you're gonna love this----- 























A LICKER LICENSE!


----------



## sabrina (Jul 3, 2009)

oh boy


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 3, 2009)

....


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 4, 2009)

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' 

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 4, 2009)




----------



## Colin1 (Jul 5, 2009)

1. Any man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates. 

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: 

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. 
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. 
c. After wrecking your boss's car. 
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into 'The Crying Game'. 
e. When she is using her teeth. 

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. 

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free. 

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 

15. If a man's flies are down that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 

16. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: 

a. Yeah, baby, push it! 
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! 
c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 

24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes. 

26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' had carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 

27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo. 

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 

30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 4.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 5, 2009)

..


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 5, 2009)

Wayne Little said:


> ..



Ditto, ditto!!!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 5, 2009)




----------



## Ferdinand Foch (Jul 5, 2009)

At a drugstore, a man is very excited for buying his first box of viagra ever. He's so excited that as soon as he is home, he pops a pill into his mouth, and waits for his wife. 
Unfortunately, his pet parrot manages to open the box and swallows several of the pills. The man is so nervous about this that he throws the parrot into the freezer, hoping that it will allow the parrot to "cool" off after a few mintues. 
However, the wife gets into the house just then, and in the frenzy that followed, the man left the parrot in the freezer for a few hours. Fearing the worst, the man opens the freezer, only to find the parrot alive, but painting heavily and drenched in sweat. When the man asks on why he is tired and sweaty, the parrot replies: 
"Do you know how hard it is to pry open the legs on a frozen chicken."


----------



## parsifal (Jul 5, 2009)

EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your co-operation.


----------



## sabrina (Jul 6, 2009)

Ferdinand Foch said:


> At a drugstore, a man is very excited for buying his first box of viagra ever. He's so excited that as soon as he is home, he pops a pill into his mouth, and waits for his wife.
> Unfortunately, his pet parrot manages to open the box and swallows several of the pills. The man is so nervous about this that he throws the parrot into the freezer, hoping that it will allow the parrot to "cool" off after a few mintues.
> However, the wife gets into the house just then, and in the frenzy that followed, the man left the parrot in the freezer for a few hours. Fearing the worst, the man opens the freezer, only to find the parrot alive, but painting heavily and drenched in sweat. When the man asks on why he is tired and sweaty, the parrot replies:
> "Do you know how hard it is to pry open the legs on a frozen chicken."



 

Thanks for the image.


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 6, 2009)

Thanks Ferdinand. 


Wheels


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 6, 2009)




----------



## sabrina (Jul 6, 2009)

I just opened my freezer to grab some chicken for dinner, and lo and behold, an image came to mind...again, thanks, Ferdinand.


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 6, 2009)

I may never look at a frozen chicken again and not laugh.


Wheels


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 6, 2009)

You guys really know how to mess up a meal. MAN!!


----------



## Ferdinand Foch (Jul 6, 2009)

Thanks guys, I always like to keep it interesting (sorry for the images). 
My only regret is that I didn't pick up the book that the joke came from.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 8, 2009)

Rules of Conduct!



*Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great
nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a
few of the areas where we would like your assistance:*

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest

- kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great.
- Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4.(GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others
that you used to be 'Special Forces.
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven
years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass
kicked.

5.. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them,
'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot.
- Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6.If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military',
inform them of their mistake
- and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart.
Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying
her

- of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe
ass-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or veteran. We
are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation.

Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief(CinC). The
President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC Regardless of
political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those
big important buildings where all those representatives meet All we know
is that when those civilian resentatives screw up the situation, they
call upon the military to go straighten it out.
- If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will
get your ass kicked.

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying
it!
If she did, she would most likely be a vet and
- therefore would kick your ass!

10.. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's
go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is!

Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me -
if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know,
so I can go kick their ass!

11.. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines),* 'Grunt' (*Army*),
'Squid'
(*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of
endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member
or vet, you have not earned the right to use them.
- Using them could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families... Every Thanksgiving
and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
marines and airmen far from home wishing; they could be with their
families.. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every
day..

Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked..'
'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of
the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of
speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the
freedom to demonstrate.'
'It 's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by 
the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.' ** AMEN SISTER **

*AND ONE MORE::
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
anthem in Spanish
- KICK THEIR ASS!!!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 9, 2009)

T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 10, 2009)

Some truth in here....some not.....



Then and Now: Military Service Compared, World War II and Today.


1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.

1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.

1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

1945- If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945- Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now- She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked.

1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.

1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.

1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.

1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.

1945-The PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.

1945- If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts
Now- The general prepares his own charts, spending hours usnig Power Point.

1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we won't offend them.

1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle from the government, cheap.
Now- You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.

1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.

1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 10, 2009)

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson's Death…

....... .. … … .. …..
.
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. ... . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... ..... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. . 
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. ;.... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff hey?
I nearly cried when he said . .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....


----------



## rochie (Jul 10, 2009)

, loved the lines about helmets


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 11, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 11, 2009)

Nice.....


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 12, 2009)

Advice from a Retired Husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne.. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 

Signed, 
Ron 

EDITOR'S NOTE: 
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 12, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2009)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 13, 2009)

RabidAlien said:


> Some truth in here....some not.....
> 
> Then and Now: Military Service Compared, World War II and Today.
> 
> ...


I thought most of them rang true but these stuck out the most to me.
Wonder what the list will look like 60+ years in the future...


Wheels


----------



## lingo (Jul 13, 2009)

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? 'The guy
replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take
this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot
goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am
Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consult s his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached
-
people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'


----------



## lingo (Jul 13, 2009)

(The Americans pronounce it Vincent Van Go) 

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh 
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh 
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh 
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh 
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh 
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh 
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh 
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh 
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh 
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh 
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh 
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh 
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh 
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh 
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh 

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 13, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 13, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 13, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 15, 2009)




----------



## Geedee (Jul 15, 2009)

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. 

Cocktail lounge, Norway: 
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome: 
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: 
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. 

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: 
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. 

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. 

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 15, 2009)

....I gotta go to Rome!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 15, 2009)

RabidAlien said:


> ....I gotta go to Rome!



You and me both!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 15, 2009)

And how!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 16, 2009)

The Japanese seem mighty friendly to me too.


Wheels


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 16, 2009)

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at Morris Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.



today'sTHOT============================

Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.


----------



## A4K (Jul 16, 2009)

Nice on RA!

I've gotta check out those japanese hotels too...


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2009)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 19, 2009)

During a street polling, one of passerbays was asked about what was worse ,the lack of the knowledge or the lack of the interest.
His answer was : I don't know and I f**k it.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 30, 2009)

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.




today'sTHOT============================

This would be a wonderful world if we showed as much patience in all things as we do in waiting for a fish to bite.


----------



## evangilder (Jul 30, 2009)

Trip to Rome

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ! So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 

"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." 

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?" 

He said: "Who ****** up your hair ? "


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 30, 2009)

LMAO!! OH DAM!!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 30, 2009)

Wonder what her hair looked like after THAT comment to the hairdresser?


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 30, 2009)

RabidAlien said:


> The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
> 
> However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
> 
> ...



The truly sad part is this is so dam true -


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## Wayne Little (Jul 31, 2009)

Nice one Eric!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 31, 2009)

That's a good one Eric!


----------



## v2 (Aug 1, 2009)

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just ****ing with you, she's dead."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 1, 2009)

LMAO!


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2009)




----------



## v2 (Aug 2, 2009)

One blonde tells another blonde: "I've done a pregnancy test." 
Asks the other blonde: "And, were the questions difficult?"


----------



## trackend (Aug 2, 2009)

Are Muslims allowed to catch swine flu


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Aug 2, 2009)

trackend said:


> Are Muslims allowed to catch swine flu





Wheels


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 2, 2009)




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## Geedee (Aug 3, 2009)

This says it alll....

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.' 

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. 

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." 


NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! 
That's real POLITICAL SPIN


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 3, 2009)

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town, and was astonished to notice evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole in dead center of each one.

The FBI man asked a local resident about the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The resident introduced him to the shooter.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the man. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."





today'sTHOT============================

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.


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## javlin (Aug 3, 2009)

That was good Eric.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 3, 2009)

Geedee said:


> This says it alll....
> 
> It just all depends on how you look at some things...
> 
> ...


That sounds like our government Gary.


----------



## Velius (Aug 5, 2009)

Where do you guys get some of these! Keep 'em coming! 

Here's one I read not long ago...


After having their eleventh child, a couple from the country
named Bubba and Mary Sue decided that enough was enough,
(they couldn’t afford a larger doublewide). So Bubba went
to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

Bubba later said to Mary Sue, “I may not be the smartest man,
but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me.” So, the couple drove to
Kentucky to get a second opinion. The physician was just
about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when
he noticed they were from Tennessee. The doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it
in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten.

Figgerin’ that BOTH learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, Bubba
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”,
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 5, 2009)

ouch


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## Wayne Little (Aug 6, 2009)

last one even had my wife laughing!


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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2009)

Heard it before but it still cracks me up


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## Wayne Little (Aug 8, 2009)

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." 
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
" I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." 
Tommy returns to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 8, 2009)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Aug 8, 2009)

Wheels


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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 8, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 10, 2009)

An older man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's some idiot driving a car the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"

"Hazel!" said Herman, "It's not just one car! There's hundreds of them!"


----------



## Geedee (Aug 10, 2009)

Lipstick in School 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators


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## RabidAlien (Aug 10, 2009)

Seen that one before, GD, but I still have to salute that teacher! Brilliant!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 10, 2009)

I like that one Gary!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 10, 2009)

That was ingenious!


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 11, 2009)

RULES FOR CHOOSING A SUPERHERO NAME

1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.

2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.

3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.

5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil

7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.

9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.

10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.

11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.

12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.

13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.



today'sTHOT============================

My body may be present, but my mind has already teed off.


----------



## Colin1 (Aug 11, 2009)

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

_Brief pause_ 

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

_Brief Pause_

"Uhhh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn"t moving at all!"

"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.”

_Long Pause_

"Swimming pool? ........... Is this 7486-5731?"


----------



## B-17engineer (Aug 11, 2009)

Hahahahahahahah!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 11, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## syscom3 (Aug 12, 2009)

LIE CLOCK...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will
move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible ,' said the man. 'And whose clock
is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's
clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe
told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama 's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 12, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 12, 2009)

Humbug! Obama never lies!!! The guy who types his telepromter is the one lying!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2009)




----------



## B-17engineer (Aug 13, 2009)

True.


----------



## Velius (Aug 13, 2009)

Just read this one a while ago... 

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. 

The next day the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of the computer. On the screen is this e-mail: "My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine.

"P.S. It's really hot!"


----------



## Condora (Aug 14, 2009)

Hi guys, hope you haven't already posted this one:

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." 
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. 
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. 
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 14, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 14, 2009)

...


----------



## Condora (Aug 17, 2009)

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favourite sweets.

What a time she had!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"You idiot", she replied. "I meant my dress size..."

And the moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2009)




----------



## Condora (Aug 17, 2009)

Lucky13 said:


> WAIT FOR ME
> 
> Konstantin Simonov, summer 1941...
> 
> ...



Great poem, I did not know about him, always good to have something knew to read...


----------



## Condora (Aug 17, 2009)

evangilder said:


> Saw this one tonight and laughed my azz off...




I have a tiny car, can't wait to also post that in it!


----------



## Condora (Aug 17, 2009)

Matt308 said:


> Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
> 
> WalMart Employee: 'Hello 'dis is WalMarts bakery, how can I help you?'
> 
> ...



I had a similar case: I was paying something, with a debit card, and asked for a receipt.
The employee asked me what name to put on the receipt. As my name always is misspelled (No, I'm not Apu from the Simpsons!), I said it was the same that was on the card.

I got a receipt for M. Electronic Use Only.

To this day, I think I should have kept it, instead of asking for him to correct it...


----------



## Condora (Aug 17, 2009)

RabidAlien said:


> Colonoscopies - by Dave Barry
> 
> 
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
> ...



He had it easy!
Anesthesia!? 
I had a guy holding a wand, and thinking he was Harry bl**dy-Potter doing "wingardium leviosa" up my @ss!


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 18, 2009)

Adam wants to see the world and signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"





today'sTHOT============================

Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, "Canned goods and ammunition."


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 18, 2009)

..


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 21, 2009)

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to

bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,

which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to

go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing

things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing

from me.



Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your

doors and an officer will be along when one is available."



George said, "Okay."



He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people

stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now

because I just shot them." and he hung up.



Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire

Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'

residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot

them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


----------



## Condora (Aug 21, 2009)

Old geezers RULE!


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 21, 2009)

..


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 21, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 21, 2009)

Nice!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 22, 2009)

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 22, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2009)




----------



## v2 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tour de France 1940...


----------



## Condora (Aug 23, 2009)

v2 said:


> Tour de France 1940...



In those days, they complained about the germans participating.

"The trouble with these international affairs is they attract foreigners." - Lord Rawnsley in *Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines, Or How I Flew from London to Paris in 25 Hours 11 Minutes*


----------



## GrauGeist (Aug 23, 2009)

v2 said:


> Tour de France 1940...


Soooooo...I'm going to go out on a limb here and suppose that the tour leader wasn't wearing a Yellow Jersey?


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 24, 2009)

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. 

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?".

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jamison's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years.." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman." 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"


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## Wayne Little (Aug 24, 2009)

Bl**dy Irish!!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 24, 2009)

I didn't write this....actually I copied it from a friend's FB post who had copied it from somewhere else. I thought these were funny.


-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,and you can wear them forever.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything else productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.


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## Condora (Aug 24, 2009)

"four sets of plastic silverware" - 
I'm not criticising or joking about it, just curious about a foreign language/country: do you call it "silverware" in the USA, even when it is not silver, or even metallic? 
If so, it is a funny development of the coloquial way of talking...


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## Lucky13 (Aug 24, 2009)

*Herr Hitler,

Reference your latest speech, I thought you said that whenever British
troops land on the continent of Europe, German soldiers will face them....

WELL, WHERE ARE THEY?*


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## BikerBabe (Aug 24, 2009)

Jan, dammit!   

Here's the ultimate blonde mistake on Facebook - _be warned_, even I consider it to be in the category of Definite Adult Content:

http://imgur.com/Q6umM.png


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## Vassili Zaitzev (Aug 24, 2009)

Nice BB!


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## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 24, 2009)

Condora said:


> "four sets of plastic silverware" -
> I'm not criticising or joking about it, just curious about a foreign language/country: do you call it "silverware" in the USA, even when it is not silver, or even metallic?
> If so, it is a funny development of the coloquial way of talking...



Yup, we sure do.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 24, 2009)

E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G!!!!"


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 24, 2009)

LMAO, Nice post BB!


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## GrauGeist (Aug 25, 2009)

BikerBabe said:


> ...Here's the *ultimate blonde mistake* on Facebook - _be warned_, even I consider it to be in the category of Definite Adult Content:


Dang...you're not kidding!

But I guess if a person is going to mess up, it may as well be epic!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 25, 2009)

This one got sent to me the other day.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 26, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2009)

Good one Aaron!


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## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 27, 2009)

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 27, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Aug 27, 2009)




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## Auravir (Aug 27, 2009)

nice Wayne


Not sure if this has been posted or not...

How to Fail a DUI


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_c6tF248hc_


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## Condora (Aug 27, 2009)

It hasn't.
I received it last month by email, it was one of the best laughs I had lately...


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Aug 27, 2009)

Nice of the cops to offer him a drink... 


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Aug 28, 2009)

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 28, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 28, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 28, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 29, 2009)

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


----------



## Auravir (Aug 29, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 29, 2009)

Oops.


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## Gnomey (Aug 29, 2009)




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## Velius (Aug 31, 2009)

Something I got from my on-line course. I thought it was funny and interesting (if 100% true).

Globalization- by an unknown internet source

Q: What is the best example of globalization?
...
....
.....
A: Princess Dianna's death!

An English princess 
with an Egyptian boyfriend 
crashes in a French tunnel, 
riding in a German car 
with a Dutch engine, 
driven by a Belgian 
who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, 
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, 
on Japanese motorcycles; 
treated by an American doctor, 
using Brazilian medicines. 
Reported by an Australian citizen, 
using American technology, 
on a computer that uses Taiwanese chips, 
and a Korean monitor, 
assembled by Bangladeshi workers 
in a Singapore plant, 
transported by Indian lorry-drivers, 
hijacked by Indonesians, 
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, 
and trucked by Mexican illegals. 

*That*, my friend, is globalization! 8)


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## RabidAlien (Aug 31, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 2, 2009)

Well... thats a mouthful...


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## v2 (Sep 4, 2009)

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW out the car sales room . Taking off down the motor-way , he floored it to 90 , enjoying the wind blowing through . Amazing he thought as he flew down the Motor Way , looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him , blue light flashing , siren blaring . 

'' I can get away from him - no problem ! '' He floored it to 130 , then 140 ...then 150 ... 

Suddenly , he thought , '' What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense ! '' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him . 



Pulling in behind him , the officer walked up to the drivers side of the BMW , looked at his watch and said , ''Sir , my shift ends in ten minutes , Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend , If you can give me a reason I've never heard before for why you were speeding , I'll let you go '' 

The Man looked very seriously at the police man , and replied , '' Years ago , my wife ran off with a policeman , I thought you were bringing her back , ''

''Have a good day , Sir , '' .


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 4, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 4, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 5, 2009)

...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 5, 2009)

That's funny!!!!!!!!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2009)

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd..

The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.

To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2009)

(email from my brother, stationed in Italy with the US Army)


Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."


Having passed the enlistment physical, John was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."


This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

*

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
*

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
*

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
*

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
*

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
*

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



The US succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes."
The generals look at each other, bewildered. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded: "Yes sir."


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## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2009)

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town. 

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend. 

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him. 

"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."


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## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2009)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and
left the shop..

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2009)

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the
Final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest
But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All
That remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well,
A blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
And the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo..'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such
Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did
You happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2009)

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought........ But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 8, 2009)

LMAO!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Sep 9, 2009)

Several gems in there RA. 


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Sep 9, 2009)

wheelsup_cavu said:


> Several gems in there RA.
> 
> 
> Wheels



Agreed!!...


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## Gnomey (Sep 9, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 9, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Sep 9, 2009)

Good one


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## RabidAlien (Sep 10, 2009)

Man, I want one of these!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 12, 2009)

YouTube - german coast guard


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 12, 2009)

LMAO


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## Njaco (Sep 12, 2009)

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
Why the early bird gets the worm; 
Life isn't always fair; 
and maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place: 
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; 
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; 
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. 

It declined even further when schools required parental consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but were not allowed to inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.. 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, sued the restaurant (McDonald's) and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense was preceded in death 
by his parents, Truth and Trust; 
by his wife, Discretion; 
by his daughter, Responsibility and 
by his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: 
I Know My Rights 
I Want It Now 
Someone Else Is To blame 
I am a Victim 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. 

If you still remember him, pass this on. 
If not, join the majority and do nothing.


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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2009)

As you are now, 
So once was I.
As I am now,
So you shall be.


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 12, 2009)

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen"


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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2009)

Right....


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## B-17engineer (Sep 12, 2009)

Speaking of Blond jokes...

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Does anyone know how many blonde jokes there really are? Just one. The rest are all true stories.


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## B-17engineer (Sep 12, 2009)

Saw these on another forum and website...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


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## B-17engineer (Sep 12, 2009)

The official year 2008 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________ First name: (Check
appropriate box) (_)Billy-Bob (_)Billy-Joe (_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue (_)Billy-Mae (_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you? (_)Booger (_)Bubba (_)Junior
(_)Sissy (_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

OccupationCheck appropriate box) (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed (_)Dirty Politician (_)Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________

2nd Spouse's Name:_______________

3rd Spouse's Name:_______________

Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouseCheck appropriate box) (_)Sister
(_)Brother (_)Aunt (_)Uncle (_)Cousin (_)Mother (_)Father
(_)Son (_)Daughter (_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___ Number of vehicles in
front yard:___ Number of vehicles in the back yard:___ Number
of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____truck ____bedroom
____bathroom ____kitchen ____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest (_)Rifle and
Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the
last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___ Number of times you've seen
Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe? (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair: (_)Blond (_)Black (_)Red (_)Brown (_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth: (_)White (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown
(_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler (_)road?


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 13, 2009)




----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2009)

Good stuff Harrison!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 14, 2009)

Funny Shots!!! 









Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family 
values. 
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' 
--------------------------------------------------------- 
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence 
come from?' 
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I 
still have mine.' 
--------------------------------------------------------- 
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge 
said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll 
try to send her a few bucks myself..' 
--------------------------------------------------------- 
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the 
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been 
living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that 
were used to put the curse on you..' 
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife..' 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 
1. The DNA all matches. 
2. There are no dental records.... 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take 
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' 
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 
'I don't know.. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' 
Joe: 'Really?' 
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell..' 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him 
how he is feeling. 
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in 
surgery,' he answered. 
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.. 
'Oops!' 
------------------------------------------------------------ 
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of 
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had 
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.. 
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' 
He's still in intensive care. 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of 
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more 
thunder rumbling in the distance. 
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 14, 2009)




----------



## BikerBabe (Sep 14, 2009)

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. 

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" 
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." 
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off to change and clean you, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 15, 2009)

@Aaron:             

@BikerBabe:


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 15, 2009)

Excellent! Guys and Gals...


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2009)




----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 15, 2009)

RabidAlien said:


> @Aaron:
> 
> @BikerBabe:




Oh so I see, mine weren't funny......


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 15, 2009)

B-17engineer said:


> Oh so I see, mine weren't funny......



Nah, yours was good! But you only posted one. Aaron posted 12, including one groaner (thus the )


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 15, 2009)

RA, I think Harrison has me beat. He's got three different post worth of jokes up there and there and there are more than 12, 23 to be exact.


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 15, 2009)

Dam straight!  Nah I liked urs better though. Mine were just about wives, blonds and rednecks.


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 16, 2009)

Yeah, but I'm too lazy to type that little smiley-guy out 23 times. Or even copy/paste it that many times.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 16, 2009)

Aren't we all.


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 18, 2009)

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."



1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.



2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.



3. You have more wives than teeth.



4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."



5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.



6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.



7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.



8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.



9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.



10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 18, 2009)

.....


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2009)




----------



## v2 (Sep 18, 2009)

*First Ever Blonde GUY joke*

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. 
The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'


----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2009)

Haha!


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 18, 2009)

Nice V2 and RA


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 18, 2009)

Bright Spark!...


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 18, 2009)

Good one V2!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 18, 2009)

Good ones guys!! These got E-mailed to me today.
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER
STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD









Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Said during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 18, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 19, 2009)

..


----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 19, 2009)

Lmao!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2009)




----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 19, 2009)

LOL


----------



## BikerBabe (Sep 20, 2009)

A few pics I like, from the web:
































And finally my current fave:


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 20, 2009)

BB, I LOVE the last one!


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 20, 2009)

I like the girl power and landing the plane. 

"Step 3: Extend landing gear.--Shi-


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 20, 2009)

Great finds, BB!


----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 21, 2009)

Great stuff Maria!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 21, 2009)

Great stuff BB!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 23, 2009)

Excellent BB!


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 24, 2009)

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 24, 2009)

Read it many times...still love it...!


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 24, 2009)

Heh


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 24, 2009)

LMAO! RA that picture was funny.


----------



## Auravir (Sep 24, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 25, 2009)

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one. 

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H 

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to
his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was
unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the
note. 

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both
were mystified by the meaning of the coded message. 

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their
contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one
was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were
called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. 

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: “Dude....You're holding it upside down!” 


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:



1. A Bible.



2. A silver dollar.



3. A bottle of whiskey.



4. A Playboy magazine.



'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.



"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!



"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.



"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.



"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."



The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.



Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.



"Lord have mercy," the old preacher edly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress..."


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 25, 2009)




----------



## Geedee (Sep 25, 2009)

How to curb debt - simples


It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.

It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. 

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her service on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Western world is doing business today.


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 25, 2009)

On a more serious note, keep running across this in the book I'm reading right now, "Between Silk and Cyanide" by Leo Marks:

(poem code written about his girlfriend, Ruth, after her death in a plane crash in Canada; given to Violette Szabo before parachuting into France 24 Mar 1944)


The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours.

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause.

For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.

Leo Marks
Dec 1943


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 26, 2009)

WHAT GENDER IS IT?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider .
. . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 26, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 26, 2009)

Nice Wayne


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 27, 2009)

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't
see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball is, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 27, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2009)




----------



## Airframes (Sep 27, 2009)

Nice one!!


----------



## BikerBabe (Sep 27, 2009)




----------



## ian lanc (Sep 28, 2009)

F16 vs. C-130 

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. 
The jet jockey decided to show off. 
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. 
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? 
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' 
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' 
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' 
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.' 


When you are young foolish - speed flash may seem a good thing !!! 

When you get older smarter - comfort dull is not such a bad thing !!!

 ian.


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 28, 2009)

nice one!


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 28, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 29, 2009)

Good one Ian!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 30, 2009)

A reporter wants to get aerial shots of some California wildfires.

His request approved, the ABC News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.' The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for ABC Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is .... You're NOT my Flight instructor??'


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 30, 2009)

Beauty RA!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 30, 2009)




----------



## Airframes (Sep 30, 2009)

Love it !!


----------



## B-17engineer (Sep 30, 2009)

Hilarious!! Great !!


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 30, 2009)

Ummmm....yeah. A lot.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 1, 2009)

Nope!..


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 1, 2009)

I do to!!!!!!!!! Friend of mine sent me this today.


A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of 
> 
> them were Obama fans... Not really knowing what an Obama fan 
> 
> was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids 
> 
> raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher 
> 
> asked Little Johnny why he decided to be Different... again. 
> 
> Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan. 
> 
> The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama 
> fan?' 
> 
> Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.' 
> 
> The teacher asked why he's a Republican. Little Johnny 
> 
> answered, 'Well, My Mom's a Republican and my 
> 
> Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.' 
> 
> The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron and your Dad 
> 
> was an idiot, what would that make you?' 
> 
> With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That Would 
> 
> make me an Obama fan..' 
> 
> I always liked Little Johnny.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 1, 2009)

You go, Johnny!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 1, 2009)

LMAO, Nice!


----------



## Geedee (Oct 2, 2009)

To the Guy who tried to mug me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 03 Oct 0-9, 1:43 am EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink pimp limo that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. 

Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thuoghtfully yours,


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 2, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 2, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 2, 2009)




----------



## v2 (Oct 2, 2009)

...


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## B-17engineer (Oct 2, 2009)

lmao. Some kids in my math who have no idea what they're doing to that. One time the question was, "How far can this object go." He didn't know that answer so he drew an elephant and wrote, "It can't go anywhere, there's an elephant blocking the way."


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## Wayne Little (Oct 3, 2009)

Like that V2


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 5, 2009)

I thought this was pretty good.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.................... 

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills 
In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? 
If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day .. 




So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money 




That's my public service announcement for the day. Thank you very much!


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 5, 2009)

LMAO, and good advice!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2009)

Thank christ we don't have one dollar bills anymore!


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## RabidAlien (Oct 6, 2009)

Two hunters got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."

So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.

Finally the second hunter said, "I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."



today'sTHOT============================

Smart young folks know all the rules. Smart old folks know the exceptions.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2009)

Blonde Hunters...


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## RabidAlien (Oct 7, 2009)

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --------------- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ----------------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ---------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---------- Winnie Bay Gogh




today'sTHOT============================

Birthdays are good for you ... the more you have the longer you live.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 7, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Oct 7, 2009)

haha


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 7, 2009)

Nice RA!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 8, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 8, 2009)

Got this in a my E-mail today. 

SUBJECT: POSTED TO CRAIG’S LIST / PERSONALS:

To the Guy Who tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date:
05/27/2009, 1:43 AM EST. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and
earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. 

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you
took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a
reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for
my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. 
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head…
Wasn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you had come
from barefooted since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. 
(That prevented you calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.).

After I called your mother, “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained
the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as
well as four other people’s in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with
the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I then threw your
wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb… After I broke
the window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just
now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now,
so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone
calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my
possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat I
guess while he traced your number etc. In a way, perhaps I should apologize for
not killing you… But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate
punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through
some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you’ve chosen
to pursue in life. 

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky… Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, 
Alex


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## phatzo (Oct 8, 2009)

A circus travels to a small outback comunity full of very unworldly people who are not even likely to know what most of the circus animals really are. The day before their first show one of their elephants escapes. Reports are sent out around town to be on the look out for an escaped elephant but as no one knew what an elephant was no reports were made. Later that day the local police got a phone call from an old lady saying there is something strange in her backyard. The police man asks "What does it look like?" to which the old lady replies, "Its as big as my house and its grey.". Thats an elephant replies the police officer. The old lady says "I don't give a chit what it is but its picking up my cabbages with its tail and stuffing them up its arse.".


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## RabidAlien (Oct 8, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 8, 2009)




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## Geedee (Oct 9, 2009)

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). 
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) 
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney; can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) 
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) 
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not..... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) 
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) 
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) 
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) 
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) 
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) 
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) 
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) 
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) 
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


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## Vic Balshaw (Oct 9, 2009)

Geedee said:


> These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)



Bl**dy oath mate that's fair um
One observation though, the bl**dy kangaroos come down our street every night to eat the grass and I ain't drunk.....yet


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 9, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 9, 2009)

Excellent!

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down 
a road when they hear a voice call from behind a 
sand-dune. "One Australian soldier is better than ten 
Taliban." 



The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of 
his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle 
breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.




The voice then calls out, "One Australian is better than 
a hundred Taliban soldiers." Furious, the Taliban 
commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune 
and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 
10 minutes of battle, again silence.



The Australian voice calls out, "One Australian is better than 
one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander 
musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the 
dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out 
as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.




Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over 
the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, 
"Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Oct 9, 2009)

Wayne Little said:


> Excellent!
> 
> A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down
> a road when they hear a voice call from behind a
> ...



 You don't know how hard I laughed!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 9, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 9, 2009)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 10, 2009)

Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.


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## Vic Balshaw (Oct 10, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 10, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 10, 2009)




----------



## B-17engineer (Oct 10, 2009)

.


----------



## muller (Oct 10, 2009)

Need a laugh?? Turn up the volume


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOdWt5IcM-c_


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 10, 2009)

MULLER, I about fell in the floor, you got the desired effect.


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## B-17engineer (Oct 10, 2009)

Poor guy....


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 10, 2009)

LMAO I think it's a fake, but pretty dam funny!


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## B-17engineer (Oct 10, 2009)

Fake, shirt changes color from before and after explosion and lights go from off to on. Sorry to ruin it


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 10, 2009)

Well, whenever a home made bomb ur fireworks has gone off in my face, I tend to get a little more excited then he did.


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## B-17engineer (Oct 10, 2009)

He's like "woah, too much magnesium" in a SUPER calm voice


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## Wayne Little (Oct 11, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 13, 2009)

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

today'sTHOT============================

I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin. Everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic.


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## B-17engineer (Oct 13, 2009)

lmao!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2009)

Excellent!!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 14, 2009)

Glad I don't have a cell phone...


Wheels


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## RabidAlien (Oct 15, 2009)

Sorry if this is a repeat:




In case you have some of these tools and don't really know how they are used.



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'



SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.



Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 15, 2009)




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## Ferdinand Foch (Oct 15, 2009)

To follow up, we probably have all been here before.


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## beaupower32 (Oct 15, 2009)

Where I’m from, we have Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes (Boo-drow and Tibb-a-dough). They’re your regular idiots from Louisiana. I am sharing some of these jokes with you guys. Enjoy. P.S. I know there's spelling errors. It's all in the accent



One November morning, old Boudreaux come out of the woods on a four-wheeler dragging a big black bear behind him. The game warden, Gaspard, just happened to be there and saw Boudreaux head straight for his truck. Now, let me tell you Gaspard had been trying to catch Boudreaux hunting illegally for the past twenty years or so but could never catch him. This morning was his lucky day, he just knew Boudreaux didn't have a hunting license, much less a big-game license. Gaspard waited until Boudreaux loaded up his four-wheeler and put the bear in the back of his pick-up and then drove up to him. He got of his truck and confronted him, "Boudreaux, let me see your hunting license for killing that bear." Old Boudreaux whips out his hunting license and shows it to Gaspard. Gaspard say, "Boudreaux, you also need a big-game license." Gaspard say, "Mais, Boudreaux, I thought I really had you. You know I have been trying to catch you for the last twenty years. Now, I'm going to have to let you go, but before I leave, let me see that bear." Mais,Gaspard looked at that bear and tell Boudreaux, "I see you shot him three times, once in the head, and one time in each in the paws." Boudreaux say, "What you mean three times, I only used one bullet." Gaspard say, "Boudreaux that's kind of hard to do with one bullet." Boudreaux then say, "Now I remember, Gaspard. He put his paws over his face when I shined that spotlight on him." 

Thibodeaux: Boudreaux, did you get the parrot I sent you for your birthday? 
Boudreaux: Yes, it was good!
Thibodeaux: You ate the bird!
Boudreaux: Of Course I ate it.
Thibodeaux: That bird spoke five different languages!
Boudreaux: Then he should have said something.


One day, Boudreaux and Clotile were riding their boat at Bayou Benoit when they hit a sunken log and the boat overturned. Clotile didn't have a life jacket on, and she drowned. The sheriff and a bunch of neighbors came by to try to find her, but they didn't have any luck. A week passed and Thibodeaux knocked on Boudreaux's front door. 
"Boudreaux, I have some good news and some bad news for you."
"Give me the bad news first."
"Well, the bad news is that we found Clotile. She drowned. We so sorry for you."
"Well go on, what is the good news?"
"The good new is--when we pull her up, we fill two sacks of big blue point crab."
"Mais, where you put her body?"
"Well, Boudreaux. De first time we did so good with the crabs, we decided to leave her in the water one more day."


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## magnu (Oct 15, 2009)

Late one Saturday night Thor is sat up in Asgard bored stiff all the other gods and goddesses are down on earth 
So he decides to see if he can't get a little action for himself, unfortunately he has left it very late and the only lady of negotiable virtue he can find has a pronounced lisp.
Oh well beggars can't be choosers he thinks so they go back to her place.....
Being a god has its perks and it's Wednesday night before he gets home feeling very pleased with himself, until he remembers 
Oh no! I didn't pay her and if the rest of them get to hear about it I'll be a total laughing stock, but I haven't any cash on me and can't get any before the news gets out.
I know I'll go back and tell her who I am and she'll be so impressed she will forget about the money.
So off he goes back to her place bursts through the door announcing 
I'M THOR....
You're thore, I'm so thore I can hardly pee !


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## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Oct 15, 2009)

Foch, love yours! Funny.


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 15, 2009)

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. 

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. 

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" 

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. 

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!!!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 15, 2009)

Good one VB.


Wheels


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## RabidAlien (Oct 15, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 16, 2009)




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## Geedee (Oct 17, 2009)

New Seat Belt law

This becomes effective September 1st, 2009 in ALL Countries

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt. 
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE! This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%


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## B-17engineer (Oct 17, 2009)

hahahah


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 17, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 17, 2009)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 17, 2009)

Great stuff fellas!


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## Ferdinand Foch (Oct 17, 2009)

Good stuff guys. Thanks B-17, though the second picture I posted wasn't what I wanted. 
Anyway, in case if you ever wanted to know what Good Will Hunting would be like if it had a sequel: 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KI9F8Xpxhl4_


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 17, 2009)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 17, 2009)

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. 

No, I don't have daughter. But it may be useful for the people here that have! And should I, in the future, ever have a daughter of dateable age, I will have it printed in a pretty large size and nailed to the door.


Wheels


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## Ferdinand Foch (Oct 17, 2009)

I think my grandpa might have used these back when my aunt was a teenager.


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 17, 2009)

I like it though.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 17, 2009)

Having a daughter of my own now....These will be painted across the front of my house, printed and framed on every wall in said house, and staple-gunned to potential suitors' foreheads, lest they forget.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 18, 2009)

I'm thinking along similar lines....


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 18, 2009)




----------



## B-17engineer (Oct 19, 2009)

Dunno how funny this is to you but I got it in an email...

How would you pronounce this child's name?





She spells her name "Le-a"

So how would YOU pronounce her name?

Leah? ....................NO.


Lee - A? ................. NOPE.


Lay - a? ............ NOT A CHANCE.


Lei?..........NICE TRY, BUT GUESS AGAIN!




This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her child's name wrong.

She says it's pronounced "Ledasha."

When the Mother was asked how in the world she figured

it should be pronounced that way, she said,

"cause the dash don't be silent!"

So, if you see a name come across your desk like this,

please remember to pronounce the dash.

And if anyone axes you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!



They live among us, they vote, and they breed.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 19, 2009)

I've seen that one before.....someone needs to chlorinate the gene-pool, looks like.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 20, 2009)

THE OFFICIAL CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART

50° Fahrenheit (10° C) • Californians shiver uncontrollably. • Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) • Italian Cars won't start • Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C) • American water freezes • Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) • New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. • Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) • Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. • Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C) • Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. • Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) • Ethyl alcohol freezes. • Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15Â° C) • Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. • Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) • Hell freezes over. • The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup





today'sTHOT============================

Lounge Lizard: "Hello, there! Where have you been all my life?"
Young Thing: "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 20, 2009)

Good one RA!


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 20, 2009)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 20, 2009)

For those that didn't know.....

PMS, *P*unish *M*en *S*everely


----------



## B-17engineer (Oct 20, 2009)

Lucky13 said:


> For those that didn't know.....
> 
> PMS, *P*unish *M*en *S*everely



LOL


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 20, 2009)

Lucky13 said:


> For those that didn't know.....
> 
> PMS, *P*unish *M*en *S*everely



 Every married man knows that.


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 20, 2009)

But us umarried one's might need the warning. 


Wheels


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 21, 2009)

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2009)

Lucky13 said:


> For those that didn't know.....
> 
> PMS, *P*unish *M*en *S*everely



I hear that!


----------



## Ferdinand Foch (Oct 21, 2009)




----------



## phatzo (Oct 21, 2009)

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NASCAR 6.0, NFL 5.1 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. < B>

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2009)

..


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 22, 2009)

Girlfriend 2.0 - 4.0 Upgrade.


I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies runs fine as long as Girlfriend is ran in background mode and the sound is turned off.

Unfortunately, I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. Therefore, I have to run both of them separately. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some form of timing incompatibilities.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, and realized that no one in their right mind is installing new token rings, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. Unfortunately, there was a bug in the program and the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way. This results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts and I have never liked how GirlFriend is “object-oriented.”

A year ago a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space: He can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it supposedly came bundled with a feature called FreeSex Plus.

Well, it turns out the resource requirements of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to trying installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.

P.S. Watch out for the K-I-D-S virus because they have an insatiable appetite for memory and CPU time over and above everything else above.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2009)

Can't run any Girlfriend programs....Wife 1.0 controls everything...


----------



## muller (Oct 22, 2009)

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor 
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. 
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 22, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 22, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 22, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 23, 2009)




----------



## cougar32d (Oct 23, 2009)

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain some gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a while, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"


----------



## beaupower32 (Oct 23, 2009)

Sorry if these were posted before!



United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
*************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. 
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, we had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 
'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault - it was the asphalt.'
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. 
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!”
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach yelled, “That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
=========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=========================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=========================
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
=========================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=========================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
===========================
German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
==========================
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 23, 2009)

LMAO!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 23, 2009)

No matter how many times I read that I laugh until I hurt. Thanks Beau.


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 23, 2009)

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
4. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
5. What's another word for synonym?
6. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
7. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
8. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
9. Where do forest rangers go to " get away from it all"?
10. Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 23, 2009)

Why do Bag Pipers walk when they play the Bag Pipe?

To get away from the sound.


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 23, 2009)

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 23, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 23, 2009)

LMAO Cougar!

#2195 is like deep thoughts at 3am.


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 23, 2009)

A guy walks into a bar in The Ozarks and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!" 

----------------------------


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 23, 2009)

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I 
was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is :


Always keep your condoms in your car ...


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 24, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 24, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 24, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2009)




----------



## cougar32d (Oct 24, 2009)

Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument

1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 24, 2009)

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. 
One says to the other, "Excuse me, I was preoccupied, looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe we can help each other search. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long blonde hair, long legs, big boobs, and a tight ass.
What does your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's just look for yours."


----------



## Ferdinand Foch (Oct 24, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 24, 2009)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 24, 2009)

Wheels


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 25, 2009)

Excellent


----------



## B-17engineer (Oct 25, 2009)

.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 25, 2009)




----------



## BikerBabe (Oct 25, 2009)

Okay:

*You know you’re a BMW enthusiast:*

- if your wife has to ask you to move the BMW R23 in the living room, so that she can watch “Oprah”.

- if you’ve talked your wife into following you in the car, so that you can bring the laptop, the folding chairs and ditto table, plus the mini tv along on the motorcycle holiday.

- if you own more than 20 black t-shirts with the BMW Motorcycle Club Logo print.

- if your best shoes are good, sturdy biker boots.

- if you applied for and got the extra loan to pay for the last service check-up.

- if you buy your 3-year-old niece a BMW Club tee.

- if you’re only sunburnt on a visor-shaped area around your eyes.

- if your idea of real art is a photo of your BMW R1200RT parked at the Grossglockner Hochalpenstrasse, with the Austrian alps as a decorative backdrop.

- if you get your best sleep in a 6-man tent together with the wife, so that you’ve got room for the luggage, too.

- if you don’t really care about good weather. What else have you got a full fairing for?

- if you think that God invented winter to punish you personally.

- if you’ve cancelled your subscription of “Home Garden”, because there weren’t any motorcycle pics in the magazine.

- if you wake up in the middle of the night and worry about your bike.

- if you can recognize a beemersound in the distance and be able to tell model/year, but still can’t remember the name of your brother-in-law.

- if you can remember at least 5 cell phone numbers to the beemer club buddies, but can’t remember your own telephone number.

- if your touring expenses exceeds the expenses to the mortgage.

- if you think it’s pretty normal to have the front fork lying on the kitchen table.

- if you think that the oil stain on the garage floor is your Mercedes’ way of keeping you from being able to afford new tires for the beemer.

- if you start your beemer in the garage and just sit there, when it’s bad weather.

- if you’ve got more photos of your beemer than of your children.

- if you get hit by a car and break your leg in three different places, but still ask the police officer if the beemer’s okay.

- if you keep a safe in your garage, just for some of the more expensive spare parts for the beemer.

- if you find out where the BMW parts dealers are located when going on holiday.

- if all the links in your browser are all BMW-themed.

- and if all of your shelves are creaking from the weight of the various BMW club magazines, Haynes manuals, Clymer manuals, BMW motorcycle magazines and BMW books. 

Cheers,

Maria.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 25, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 25, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 26, 2009)

Scientists have identified a new species of dinosaur. However, after years of searching, they have been unable to find any identifiable males of the species. They've named this female-only breed the "Likalottapus".






*ducks sharp pointy objects*


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 26, 2009)

Oh dam


----------



## syscom3 (Oct 26, 2009)

Sign over a
Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
On a Septic
Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another
Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's
Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity
Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome!
Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted
if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane
Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town
to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution -
This Truck is full of
Political Promises"


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 26, 2009)

Those are great Syscom!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 26, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 27, 2009)

Saw one on the back of an exterminator's truck near Austin: "We make money the old-fashioned way. We kill for it."


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 27, 2009)

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???" 

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. 

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." 

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! 

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" 

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy." 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" 

"I call them by their last names."


----------



## cougar32d (Oct 27, 2009)

A Woman walked into a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy. 
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2009)

You could say that was a low blow but it is still funny.


----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (Oct 27, 2009)

Laughing at all of them guys!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 27, 2009)

LMAO, nice cougar


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 27, 2009)




----------



## BikerBabe (Oct 28, 2009)

Cool Syscom3! 
I saw one on the back of a small van the other day, the van came from a company that'll remove any excess furniture and things after people die:
"Overtake this van - we'll clean up your stuff". 

And Cougar?  Nice one, that!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 28, 2009)

Excellent...


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## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 29, 2009)

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. 
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. 
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. 
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Oct 29, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 29, 2009)

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."


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## Wayne Little (Oct 29, 2009)

....


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## cougar32d (Oct 29, 2009)

My wife wants a divorce after she found out that I had branded her "Guantanamo" on my cellphone. Whats wrong with people these days, no sense of humor


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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2009)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 29, 2009)

"Sherman will never go to hell; he will flank the devil and make heaven in spite of the guards.''


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 29, 2009)

You go, Sherman!




My Christmas lights plan for this upcoming holiday season:


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 29, 2009)

LMAO That's awesome!


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2009)

....love the 'DITTO'


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## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2009)

those lights are great.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 30, 2009)

Got this in an E-mail today.

Halloween Costume



A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:


Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


----------



## B-17engineer (Oct 30, 2009)

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Then...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"


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## Wayne Little (Oct 31, 2009)

Aw..man......


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 31, 2009)

Classic, -17!!


----------



## vnbbm (Oct 31, 2009)

B-17engineer said:


> What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
> 
> Pull the pin and throw it back.
> 
> ...



"Sherman will never go to hell; he will flank the devil and make heaven in spite of the guards.''


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2009)




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## syscom3 (Nov 2, 2009)

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,and a deerall eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 2, 2009)

That one was ripe Syscom. 


Wheels


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 2, 2009)

Atta girl!


----------



## KMeyrick (Nov 2, 2009)

Syscom-- I've heard the same one with Nuclear power inplace of universal health care.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 3, 2009)

I had not heard that one. That was great Syscom.!!!!   This got sent to me today.

Rules for Kickin' Ass

Rules for the Non-Military

Make sure you read #13

Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has
many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the
areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of
the National Anthem - kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick
their ass. 









3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of
respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside
and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every
second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this
Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle
dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be
'Special Forces'. 
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old,
now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a
jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an
ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military', inform them
of their mistake - and kick their ass. 







7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn
feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the
military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to
do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.


9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she
did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill
those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard
issue in the military. That reminds me - if you see anyone calling those damn
psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!

11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid'
(*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use
describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned
the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support
our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you
enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of
soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without
them, our Country would get it's ass kicked. 






'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'

'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'

'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to
demonstrate.'

'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose
coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.'

AND ONE MORE:

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in
Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.

ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your
ass kicked!

I sent this to you, because I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! 


IN GOD WE TRUST


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 3, 2009)




----------



## Vic Balshaw (Nov 4, 2009)

Received this in my email yesterday......... 

Westminster bridge, London...
At noon, a strange phenomenon happens when sunlight passes through the balustrade of the bridge, forming a small army of…………well……see for yourself


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 4, 2009)

must be doing the rounds Vic, my brother in law sent it to me too!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 4, 2009)

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


----------



## Maestro (Nov 4, 2009)

Catching up on this thread, folks. Don't know if that one was posted so here it is...

*Social Hierarchy Organization Charts Through The Years*


























On my side, I'm still waiting to hit the "billionaire" echelon...


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 4, 2009)

Got this today. It's not bad.

HELL EXPLAINED 




BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT 




The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona 
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 




The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure
of enjoying it as well : 




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)? 




Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 




One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to
know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. 


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities: 


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The
corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it
is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only
Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 4, 2009)




----------



## Ferdinand Foch (Nov 5, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 5, 2009)

friggin' great one Aaron!


----------



## BikerBabe (Nov 5, 2009)

Just got this one:

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sp*rm, she'll give you a baby. 
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. 
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. 
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. 
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. 
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t...


----------



## sabrina (Nov 6, 2009)

haha, very true...


----------



## sabrina (Nov 6, 2009)

Also hilarious is the Hell theory...love it.


----------



## GrauGeist (Nov 6, 2009)

LOL

Good one, BB!


----------



## Maestro (Nov 6, 2009)

Loved the Hell theory !


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2009)




----------



## BikerBabe (Nov 7, 2009)

_He's not looking now, but you can tell he did._ 







_Someone had a good night._







_Never too busy to glance._







_In Soviet Russia..._


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 7, 2009)

What that picture doesn't show BB is that he keeps turning around and riding by her.


Wheels


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 7, 2009)

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) 

Dear Mum Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila


----------



## BikerBabe (Nov 7, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 7, 2009)




----------



## v2 (Nov 7, 2009)

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.




Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 7, 2009)

LMAO v2


Wayne, that was fricken awesome!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 7, 2009)

That was good V2!


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 8, 2009)

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. 

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. 

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' 

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'


----------



## Maestro (Nov 8, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 8, 2009)




----------



## mkloby (Nov 8, 2009)

that's funny


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 8, 2009)

LMAO

That's awesome Wayne!


----------



## Maestro (Nov 8, 2009)

Ah... I know I had saw a good religious joke a while back. Just found it back on the internet...



> Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
> 
> "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
> 
> ...


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 8, 2009)




----------



## BikerBabe (Nov 8, 2009)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 8, 2009)

Maestro.


Wheels


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 9, 2009)

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. 

How could anyone stoop so low?


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 9, 2009)

Wow....and I thought MY groaners were bad!!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2009)




----------



## beaupower32 (Nov 9, 2009)

Is Sex Work? 



A U.S. Air Force captain was about to start the morning briefing to his

staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the

captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that

his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his

usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of

sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" 



A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. 



A lieutenant said it was 50-50%. depending upon his state of inebriation

at the time. 



There being no consensus, the captain turned to the airman who was in

charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? 



Without any hesitation, the young airman responded, "Sir, it has to be

100% pleasure." 

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? 



"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me

doing it for them." 



The room fell silent.. 



God Bless the Air Force enlisted.


----------



## Civettone (Nov 9, 2009)

Quite right ! 


Kris


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 9, 2009)

Funny one BP. 


Wheels


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 9, 2009)

That was good Beau!!!!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 9, 2009)




----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (Nov 9, 2009)

Nice man!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 10, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2009)

Wanting to finish his ship first or as soon as possible or on time April 15 1943, Captain J. Clark....

.....if material for these tasks was not available, Jocko said, it ought to be taken from sister flattops being built in yard - The _Intrepid_ (CV-11), the new _Hornet_ (CV-12), _Franklin_ (CV-13) and _Ticonderoga_ (CV-14). And if more men were required to do the work on _Yorktown_, they should be pulled off the other ships. Ferguson, Herd and Petty answered "GO!" Jocko broke nearly every rule in the book. At one time he had over 4,000 men of the yard's 31,000-man work force laboring on his ship alone.

He was a taskmaster - a sundowner in Navy parlance - merciless, gruff, stern, loud, utterly humorless and totally uncompromising. "Godammit," he roared at them , "if you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl. But get the job done. And if you can't get the job done, get off my ship!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 10, 2009)

Gotta love a guy like that, Lucky! 




Emailed to me from my brother:


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 10, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 10, 2009)

Nice!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 11, 2009)

8) Cool one RA.


Wheels


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 11, 2009)

8)


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 12, 2009)

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No

needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up

the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The

thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!" The dentist then

asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection,"

the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and

says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra

worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it's going

to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 12, 2009)

The tragedy of Canada: They could have had French cuisine, British culture, and American technology. Instead, they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.


----------



## Maestro (Nov 12, 2009)

RabidAlien said:


> The tragedy of Canada: They could have had French cuisine, British culture, and American technology. Instead, they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.



You know, the sad part is that you are right !


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 12, 2009)

A Canadian friend of mine sent that to me.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 12, 2009)

That was good Wayne, I really liked that one.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 12, 2009)

Nice (and true!)


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 13, 2009)

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
Car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the
Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."


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## RabidAlien (Nov 13, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Nov 13, 2009)




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## diddyriddick (Nov 13, 2009)

Sorry if I put this in the wrong place. Hope ya'll like it. I stole it from another forum.

Here's one doing the rounds on sailing forums.


Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." 

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy.."


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 13, 2009)

ROFLMAO!


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## piet (Nov 13, 2009)

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy.."


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## RabidAlien (Nov 13, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 14, 2009)




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## BikerBabe (Nov 14, 2009)

Dug this up at http://www.flightglobal.com/, searching for "Galland" (- who else?  )

One of Duxford's Bf-109 pilots was introduced to Adolf Galland. 
The conversation went as follows:
Unknown pilot: "I'm flying a 109 at the weekend".
Galland: "The best of luck, my friend. I crashed eight".
End of conversation.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 14, 2009)

*Logic!*

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. 

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' 

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave. 

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic. 

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?' 

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?' 

'Yeah.' 

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.' 

'That's true, I do have a yard.' 

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 

'Yes, I do have a house.' 

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 

'Yes, I have a family. 

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.' 

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History and Logic. 

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?' 

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?' 

'No.' 

'Then you're a queer. 
------------------------


Wheels


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## Maestro (Nov 15, 2009)

That one is old, but for the ones who might not have seen it...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHLNG08Yfok_

The story of my high-school days...


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## Wayne Little (Nov 15, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Nov 15, 2009)




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## cougar32d (Nov 16, 2009)

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word

A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You Know you are from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)

6 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable or an insect.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

l0. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop.... It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.


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## B-17engineer (Nov 16, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 16, 2009)

nice


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## Gnomey (Nov 16, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 16, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 16, 2009)

I'll vouch for most of those! We go through a pitcher of sweet tea here in about two days. Lipton loves us! And a typical conversation at work will go like this:

"Jeet?"
"Naw. Fixin' ta get a Coke. Wan' wun?"
"Yep. Gimme a Mt. Dew."


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## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 17, 2009)

The scary part of that to me RA is I understood what you wrote. 


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Nov 17, 2009)

wheelsup_cavu said:


> The scary part of that to me RA is I understood what you wrote.
> 
> 
> Wheels



 Sh!t I understood it too...is that good..or bad?


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## RabidAlien (Nov 17, 2009)

Iz all good, y'allz.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 18, 2009)

Some Southern documentaries. 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt1fBjCm49g_


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3tXOWfzCuQ_


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqnm3A10m8I_


Wheels


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## syscom3 (Nov 18, 2009)

Yankel Goldstein, a rabbi in his late 80s has a part time job as a ribbon salesman and has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years.

Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic buyer.

"Goldstein," the buyer says laughingly, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least the last 25 years or so. Now, here is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic.

He calls Goldstein and yells, "You idiot, what's going on here? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four trailer-loads full of it!"

Goldstein replies calmly in a soft voice: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."


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## Wurger (Nov 18, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 18, 2009)




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## BikerBabe (Nov 18, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Nov 18, 2009)

*What's a seven course Irish meal?

A six pack and a potato*

My mom just said that to my dad (jokingly of course  )


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## Gnomey (Nov 18, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 18, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 18, 2009)

ROFLMAO!


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## Civettone (Nov 19, 2009)

Some Yo mama so fat jokes ...
*
Yo mama so fat,
she stepped on a scale and it said "to be continued"

Yo mama so fat,
she got baptized at Sea World

Yo mama so fat,
she fell in love and broke it.*

Kris


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## Geedee (Nov 19, 2009)

The Husband Store 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. 

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 

PLEASE NOTE: 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. 

The first floor has wives that love sex. 

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, love to hunt and fish, and like beer. 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


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## sabrina (Nov 19, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 19, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2009)




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## BikerBabe (Nov 19, 2009)

Well guys and girls, today's question:

Have you ever wondered if Mom ever gave Dad a BJ before kissing you goodnight when you were a kid???


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## B-17engineer (Nov 19, 2009)

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's gross................. 



I hope not.....


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## Wurger (Nov 19, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Nov 19, 2009)

Now I am the Mentor Wojtek... 

No. Your not suppose to laugh. That's just plain wrong! Well if your the one being kissed...


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## B-17engineer (Nov 19, 2009)

*EVERYONE READS BB's FIRST. READ MINE SECONDLY.*

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


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## v2 (Nov 19, 2009)

...


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## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2009)

BB that is just wrong


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## BikerBabe (Nov 19, 2009)

Gnomey - I _know_, that's _why _I think it's _hilarious_!   
That little joke had me totally in stitches here, I tell you! 
The worse, the better!  

B-17:    Eat _that_, [email protected]!


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## B-17engineer (Nov 19, 2009)

I will never think of my mom the same way.......... just kidding


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## muller (Nov 20, 2009)

50th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SURPRISE:

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. 

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ..... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 

'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.' 

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you...' 

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.' 

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.' 

After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to work hard and send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' 

The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 

'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'


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## B-17engineer (Nov 20, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 20, 2009)

LMAO NICE!


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## Gnomey (Nov 20, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 20, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 21, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 21, 2009)




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## syscom3 (Nov 21, 2009)

Two University of Texas football players were hootin’ and hollerin’ while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. “Two months?!” exclaimed the bartender. The Texan proudly replied, “Yeah, the box said 4 – 6 years!”


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 21, 2009)




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## syscom3 (Nov 21, 2009)

A University of Michigan football player was almost killed today in a tragic horse back riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

How do you get an Ohio State Graduate off your front porch? A: Pay him for the pizza.

What did the 'bama grad say to the 'Ole Miss grad? “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order please?”


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## Maestro (Nov 21, 2009)

What about some construction cat calls ?


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DViogbPTH4_


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 21, 2009)

Why do University of Tennessee fans wear orange?
1.) To go to the game on Saturday.
2.) To go hunting on Sunday.
3.) And Monday through Friday they work along the Interstate Highways picking up trash.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 21, 2009)

Did you hear that they quit serving ice in the softdrinks a Virginia Tech games? The student with the formula graduated last year.


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## Civettone (Nov 21, 2009)

B-17engineer said:


> *EVERYONE READS BB's FIRST. READ MINE SECONDLY.*
> 
> A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
> 
> ...


Ouch! 

Kris


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## v2 (Nov 22, 2009)

Genealogy 

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." 

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. 
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" 

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."


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## syscom3 (Nov 22, 2009)

LOL @ Aaron.


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 22, 2009)

Nice!


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## Geedee (Nov 23, 2009)

This maths test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was The Shawshank Redemption


Try it without looking at the answers. It works! 



Pick a number from 1 - 9. 

Multiply by 3. 

Add 3, then multiply by 3 again. 

Add the two digits of your answer together to find your all time favourite movie in the list below. 



Good Luck – look below 














































It is: 

1. Gone with the wind. 

2. Aliens. 

3. Oliver 

4. Star Wars 

5. Forrest Gump. 

6. Saving Private Ryan. 

7. Jaws. 

8. Grease. 

9. The joy of Sex with male goats leather clad gay boys. 

10. Shawshank Redemption.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 23, 2009)

...... New you were up to some sh!t Gary!


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## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 23, 2009)

THANK GOD I screwed up my addition!


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## B-17engineer (Nov 23, 2009)

Aw sh!t I got number 9....

EDIT: Just realized they're all number nine...


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## Auravir (Nov 23, 2009)

NO! I got 9 too!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 23, 2009)

No matter what number you pick it always ends up with 9.


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## RabidAlien (Nov 23, 2009)

Yep. A good mathematician can finagle numbers to have them come out with any result they want. I am not a good mathematician, however...oops, gotta run, the goat's eating my shoes.


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## Auravir (Nov 23, 2009)

Oops!  Didn't see that!


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## Wayne Little (Nov 24, 2009)

Auravir said:


> Oops!  Didn't see that!



Now that's funny....


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## B-17engineer (Nov 24, 2009)

How do you confuse a blonde? 

Put her in a circular room and tell her to find the corner.

How does the blonde confuse you?

She finds the corner..


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## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2009)

Diplomatic row brewing over Sarkozy ticket for Croke Park - Politics.ie


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## B-17engineer (Nov 24, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 24, 2009)




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## KMeyrick (Nov 24, 2009)

what did the gymnast say to the very surprised police officer after she passed the sobriety test?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You thought that was impressive... you should see what I can do on a 4 inch line when I'm sober!


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 24, 2009)




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## KMeyrick (Nov 24, 2009)

Two gymnasts walk into a bar...





























..








.

OUCH!!!!!!!!


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## syscom3 (Nov 25, 2009)

This is a hoax. But funny none the less.


*HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT*

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change-of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand d proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over..
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


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## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2009)




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## Auravir (Nov 25, 2009)

Even better mecause my brother is a fan of the Maple Leafs!


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## Geedee (Nov 25, 2009)

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 25, 2009)




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## Maestro (Nov 25, 2009)

Speaking of winking problems... This is immature, but oh, so God damned funny !


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYMuhN7OZgM_


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## Wayne Little (Nov 26, 2009)

...great series Guys!!


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## Geedee (Nov 26, 2009)

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music

The "iTit" will cost from £499 to £699 depending on cup and speaker size

This is considered a major social and technological breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 26, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 26, 2009)




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## BikerBabe (Nov 26, 2009)

Serves us right, I guess!


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## Gnomey (Nov 26, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 27, 2009)

friggin' great one Gary!!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 27, 2009)

Good one Gary.


Wheels


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## Velius (Nov 27, 2009)

Good ones- all of them guys! Here's a quick one (sorry if posted before)

There was this one oriental couple named the Wongs who had their first child. Time went by and they had a second child. Some more time went by and they had a third. When they went to the nursery to get their newborn child the nurse led them a Caucasian looking baby and Mr. Wong said sharply "That not ours- two Wongs don't make a white!"


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 27, 2009)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Nov 28, 2009)

On the subject of groaners....what do you get when you throw a grenade into a kitchen in France? 

Linoleum BlownApart. (say it out loud)


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## Gnomey (Nov 28, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 28, 2009)

Strewth RA....


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## Lucky13 (Nov 28, 2009)

The day that we are born, is the last day when we are truly free....


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## Maestro (Nov 29, 2009)

What did you say, Lucky ? I'm sorry, I was busy looking at your avatar... 

What about a "blast from the past" with Hugh Laurie ?


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__DrJI7mTHQ_


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## BikerBabe (Nov 30, 2009)

From "The Colditz Story":
German commandant: "In order to recieve extra privaliges, would any prisoners prepared to work for the Third Reich please step forward.
French officer steps forward: "I would like to work for the Third Reich"
(Gasps from the prisoners and astonishment from the commandant): "You wish to work for the Third Reich?"
"Yes, I wish to work for the Third Reich, and I want to make it clear that I would rather work for twenty Germans than one Frenchman!"
More gasps and angry looks from the other prisoners.
"And what is your profession?"
"Undertaker!"


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## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 30, 2009)

Good one BB.


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Nov 30, 2009)

Good one Maria!


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## RabidAlien (Nov 30, 2009)

Excellent, BB! 

An elderly man was sitting outside a cafe one morning when a young, well tattooed and pierced 18 year old with a huge mohawk, dyed blue and green, walked by. The old man just stared for a minute. The kid, noticing the stare asked "What's up old timer, haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?" The old man softly said: "Yeah, about 18 years ago I got drunk and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if maybe you were my kid."


----------



## Vassili Zaitzev (Nov 30, 2009)

Here's something funny I found on youtube. Warning: profanity

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QyYaPWasos_


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## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 1, 2009)




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## Maestro (Dec 2, 2009)

Vassili Zaitzev said:


> Here's something funny I found on youtube. Warning: profanity
> 
> _View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QyYaPWasos_


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## Wayne Little (Dec 2, 2009)




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## BikerBabe (Dec 2, 2009)

Lame, funny and outright hilarious Facebook-updates:


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## RabidAlien (Dec 3, 2009)




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## ScOoTeR1992 (Dec 3, 2009)

here guys this one had me literally roflmao


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs_


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## Maestro (Dec 3, 2009)

I laughed so hard while watching the following video that I just had to share it. I don't know if it is an actual condom commercial or a parody, but it sure is funny as hell.

Although it is in no way worse than BB's BJ joke a few pages back, I wish to *warn everyone* that this video contains *suggestive graphical content.*

I assume that if it managed to stay on YouTube for so long, it must be good enough for this forum. But I prefer to stay on the safe side by giving out a warning.

*WARNING :* Video with suggestive graphical content. Do *not* click the link if you are easily offended.


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBr98Nji-mA_


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## RabidAlien (Dec 3, 2009)




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## Vassili Zaitzev (Dec 4, 2009)

Haha!


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## Gnomey (Dec 4, 2009)

Haha!


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## beaupower32 (Dec 4, 2009)

chicken and egg in bed, chicken has head on pillow smoking.Egg rolls over annoyed saying"i guess we answered that question"


Here are some Text Messages that people have received. 

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? ... (rec'd): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets

she was giving me a bj and i farted, she gave me a high five and kept going. 

Met hot chick at bar. Went to her place. bumped uglies for like an hour. Played HER xbox, while getting a bj. bumped uglies again. More xbox and bj. Fell asleep, and what do I wake up to? freakin pancakes... with chocolate chips. I'm in love...


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## ccheese (Dec 4, 2009)

Another blonde joke.....

There were three men on a scaffold working on the 20th floor of a building; an Irishman,
an Englishman and a man who just happened to be a blonde.

At lunchtime, the Irishman opens his lunch box and declares, “Not corn beef cabbage again !
If I get corn beef and cabbage one more time I’m going to jump off of this scaffold.”

The Englishman opens his lunch box and says, “On No.... not fish chips again..... If I get
fish chips one more time, I’m going to jump off of this scaffold.”

The blonde opens his lunch bag and says, “Not bologna again.... if I get bologna one more 
time I’m going to jump off this scaffold.”

The next day each man opened his lunch to find corn beef for the Irishman, fish chips
for the Englishman and bologna for the blonde. Each proceeded to throw himself off the scaffold, which resulted in their deaths.

At their funerals, the wife of the Irishman said, “If I had known, I would not have fixed him 
corn beef and cabbage.”

The wife of the Englishman said,” If I had known I would not have fixed him fish chips.”

The wife of the blonde said, “Don’t look at me.... he fixed his own lunch !”

Charles


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## v2 (Dec 4, 2009)

"So, a blonde fighter pilot was flying in a two ship one day. She was flying her heading just fine, when all of a sudden her wingman called, "We have Migs coming in at 6 o'clock!" She quickly took a thought, looked at her watch and said, "It's okay! It's only 5:30!"


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## Wayne Little (Dec 5, 2009)

Damn Blondes....


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 5, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 5, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 5, 2009)

*The Dog's Diary*

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



*The Cat's Diary*

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to  them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...


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## RabidAlien (Dec 5, 2009)




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## Maestro (Dec 6, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 6, 2009)




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## ScOoTeR1992 (Dec 6, 2009)

lmao!! guys where you find all this stuff


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## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2009)




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## v2 (Dec 6, 2009)

World's Shortest Fairy Tale 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf a lot and, drank beer and scotch, bought 12 guns a month, and had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

The End


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## ccheese (Dec 6, 2009)

When Love Fades:
>
> A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice 
> from the kitchen..
>
> What would you like for dinner, Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
>
> He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
>
> "Screw You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."


Charles


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## RabidAlien (Dec 6, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Dec 6, 2009)

Sorry had to share this......


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 6, 2009)

Your not really that phobic are you Harrison?


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## RabidAlien (Dec 6, 2009)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Dec 6, 2009)

Wheels


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## Maestro (Dec 6, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 6, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 6, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 7, 2009)

LMAO...too!


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## Lucky13 (Dec 7, 2009)

Looks like what we call in Sweden an AK-4...

.....and,

LMFAO!


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## beaupower32 (Dec 7, 2009)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. ( i like to call myself Fluffy)

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out.


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## Gnomey (Dec 7, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 7, 2009)

A-FRICKEN-MEN!


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## gumbyk (Dec 7, 2009)

BP, you forgot one...
1. If you ask us what we are thinking about and we say "Nothing" then thats what we are thinking about - Nothing!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 7, 2009)

Heh. Just don't ever answer that one with "Boobs", Gumbyk! 





Traffic Camera

A man was driving in the city when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He
figured that his picture had been taken to check for exceeding the limit,
even though he knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a
fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's
pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt.

You can't fix stupid.


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## B-17engineer (Dec 7, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 8, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2009)




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## cougar32d (Dec 9, 2009)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish." 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there whenever I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust all of the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify your desire for Worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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## beaupower32 (Dec 9, 2009)




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## Wurger (Dec 9, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 9, 2009)

Wife; would you like me to slip into something more comfortable?
Husband; how about a coma?


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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 10, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Dec 10, 2009)

"A man never finds his true happiness until he is married, then it is too late."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 10, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2009)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 12, 2009)

Got this today.

Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. 
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman
who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. 
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then
decided to send a reply to him by a note. 
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman. 

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He
folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the
lady. 

It read: 
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several
garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch
in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three
inches. Just send the wine back..


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## RabidAlien (Dec 12, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 12, 2009)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Dec 12, 2009)

Stolen from my daily desk calendar....also reminds me that I need to get a new one for next year...


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## beaupower32 (Dec 12, 2009)

This is my favorite comic, Pearls before Swine. My favorite are the crocodiles, rat, and pig. Ever get a chance look it up and read some.


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 12, 2009)




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## B-17engineer (Dec 12, 2009)

ha ha


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## BikerBabe (Dec 13, 2009)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ_ in norwegian, but with english subtitles - I love it!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 13, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 13, 2009)




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## v2 (Dec 13, 2009)

Guy sees his doctor - doctor says - "you have a heart condition and you must remain calm and not get excited. Therefore, no gambling, no drinking, no smoking."

Guy goes - "oh, what about sex?'

Doctor says - "Only with your wife. I said no excitement."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 13, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 13, 2009)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 13, 2009)

BB, that was hysterical!


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## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2009)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 14, 2009)

not showing that one to the missus V2....


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## RabidAlien (Dec 14, 2009)

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 14, 2009)




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## beaupower32 (Dec 14, 2009)

Lol, better hope he only looses one engine.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 14, 2009)

If I were Santa I do believe the FAA would lose a agent!!!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 14, 2009)

He's on the naughty list.


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## BikerBabe (Dec 15, 2009)

Well...reindeer _is _tasty.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Dec 16, 2009)

BikerBabe said:


> Well...reindeer _is _tasty.




Poor Rudolph.


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Dec 16, 2009)

.....let's hope he's a poor shot!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 16, 2009)

Press Release

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be more productive.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congresspersons. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congresspersons this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.


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## beaupower32 (Dec 16, 2009)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading....

...
...
...
...
...
...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 16, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 16, 2009)

If I ever get married again, this is how I'm doing it (yet seems so appropriate):


----------



## B-17engineer (Dec 16, 2009)

Love the pic...


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## beaupower32 (Dec 16, 2009)

Dont know what it is but something stands out in that picture. Ah, yes, there it is, A white wedding dress.


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2009)

^ Yeah


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 16, 2009)

Man....the grass stains on that thing...can you imagine the drycleaning costs??? And rocket exhaust marks are INSANE to try to get out of silk (cuz a true gentleman always gives the lady the RPG)!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 16, 2009)

Ok, that was pretty dam funny.


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 17, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 17, 2009)

An older, white haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The gentleman said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the gentleman stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!' 

All Seniors Aren't Senile


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 17, 2009)

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a
cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into
his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked..

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there
waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...
Flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks,
Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do
yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"


----------



## Bucksnort101 (Dec 17, 2009)

Ya, dat's a gude von don't ya know


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 17, 2009)

LMAO


----------



## sabrina (Dec 18, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 18, 2009)

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. 
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 18, 2009)

Always enjoy those VB!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 18, 2009)

New song by Frank Sinatra found in archives! Frank Sinatra - Strangers on my flight


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## Gnomey (Dec 18, 2009)




----------



## beaupower32 (Dec 18, 2009)

Working here on C-17s at Charleston we had this write up.


*Problem:* Rat living in cargo door ramp.

*Solution:* Opened Cargo ramp at 15,000 feet and blew rat out.


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 18, 2009)

NICE!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 18, 2009)

Problem solved, right Beau?


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## RabidAlien (Dec 18, 2009)

After briefing said rat on proper exiting procedures, right?


----------



## Njaco (Dec 19, 2009)

*AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD *

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. 
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. 

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! 

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. 

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! 

Thoughtfully yours, 
Alex


----------



## B-17engineer (Dec 19, 2009)

beaupower32 said:


> Working here on C-17s at Charleston we had this write up.
> 
> 
> *Problem:* Rat living in cargo door ramp.
> ...





Dam! That's like a deer my dad saw every single night in the road and it held up traffic EVERY night. Finally a guy just hit the deer....on purpose..


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## RabidAlien (Dec 19, 2009)




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## Gnomey (Dec 19, 2009)

Great solution to the rat problem


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 22, 2009)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a
so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life . but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried . but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian .
until I realized there was no future in it.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 23, 2009)

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror. The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear." 
The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished. 
Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.
Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 23, 2009)




----------



## magnu (Dec 23, 2009)

Life is like
being a pubic hair on a toilet bowl
Sooner or later someone will come along and p**s you off


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 23, 2009)

A friend of mine sent this to me just now. 



A DIFFERENT CHRISTMAS POEM 











The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. 
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve. 
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.. 
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight. 
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here! 
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right, 
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkes t of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me. 
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.. 
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat. 
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.."

" So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done, 
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget. 
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust, 
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

PLEASE, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many 
people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our
U.S service men and women for our being able to celebrate these
festivities.. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make
people 
stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. 

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq


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## RabidAlien (Dec 23, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 23, 2009)

That's fricken beautiful.


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 24, 2009)

Agree with you RA...


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## RabidAlien (Dec 24, 2009)

That one makes the rounds every year. I still love it.


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2009)




----------



## Maestro (Dec 25, 2009)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 25, 2009)

THE PRICE OF PEACE


The smell of tortured, shredded earth
imbues the air around
as steady rain pools cold and dark
upon the boggy ground.

A flash of light spears from the east
to brighten up the pitch
as man-made thunder slams across
the soldier in his trench.

Within the dark, a muzzle flash!
A scream, a sacrifice,
another patriot goes down
to pay the final price.

His comrades mourn but briefly now,
for Time rolls ever on,
and each one in his sep’rate way
prays for another dawn.

Sleep sweet, civilian, safe at home
beneath your silken sheet,
for peace is guarded jealously
by this rare valiant breed!

-jkl
08-22-2003


----------



## Velius (Dec 25, 2009)

Beautiful Aaron and RA


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBAEzYBFyYc_

...completely random, but I couldn't help but laugh while playing it multiple times,


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 25, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2009)

to yours too RA!


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## v2 (Dec 26, 2009)

At a bar in Washington, the man to Al Gore's left tells the bartender, "Johnnie Walker, single." And the man's companion says, "Jack Daniels, single." The bartender approaches Mr. Quayle and asks, "And you, sir?" He replies, "Al Gore, married."


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## syscom3 (Dec 29, 2009)

@ V2


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## syscom3 (Dec 29, 2009)

Little Johnny

It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing
more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


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## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2009)

Poor Tiger, kicked in the @ss again!


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 29, 2009)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 29, 2009)

LMAO Nice!


----------



## Maestro (Dec 29, 2009)




----------



## v2 (Dec 30, 2009)

A blond goes to a pawn shop looking for some good deals on whatever is there.

she see's something she likes, calls for a clerk....

blond:"Excuse me, how much for this TV?"

clerk:, "Uhh, ma'am, sorry, we dont sell to blonds."

blond:"What!? Why not? I want to buy this Tv."

clerk: "Sorry maam, store policy"

The blond is furious, so she goes home and colors her hair jet black, then returns to the pawn shop.

Sure enough she asks for the price of the Tv, which the clerk replies, "Sorry maam, we dont sell to blonds".
She storms off again, then colors her hair brunette , and comes back to get the TV.

same result, the store doesnt sell to blonds.

She makes one last attemp, by coloring her hair red, and went to the pawn shop one last time.

She asks"Whats the price of this tv?"
the clerk answers, "We dont sell to blonds, maam."

She screams, "Gawwdammnn it! I colored my hair 3 times, how did you know i was still blond?"

the clerk replies, " maam, thats not a Tv, its a microwave."


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## RabidAlien (Dec 30, 2009)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 30, 2009)

...


----------



## beaupower32 (Dec 30, 2009)

a plane gets shot down.
This guy bails out. The Gestapo
gets him. His leg's broken and
they have to amputate...

He says, 'Do me a favor. After
you cut it off, give it to one of
your pilots and have him drop it
over my base in England.' So they
do it.

A week later they have to take off
the guy's other leg. Same thing.
'Could you have someone drop it
over my base in England?' And
they do it.

Next week, they've got to cut off
his arm. He asks them again,
'Could you please have someone
drop it over my base in England?'
This time they say,

_Nein. Zis ve can't do anymore_

The guy says, 'Why not?' And they
say, _'Ve sink you're trying to escape_!'


From the Movie "Memphis Belle"


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2009)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 30, 2009)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 30, 2009)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 30, 2009)

Heh....I remember that part! Ball gunner (Sean Aston) told it over the intercom, after one of the planes (Mother and Country?) blew up.


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 31, 2009)

Yep that would be Amazing Stories.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 1, 2010)

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads:

"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.

"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jan 2, 2010)

_So drink to the Black Cat PBY
Damnedest old plane in God's sky
BB-gun for'd and a slingshot aft
Hundred twenty knots when in forward draft._
===========================

_Oh the radar revealed a Nippy cruiser
A might bruiser but sure a loser
Cause ol' Fifty-two was now coming
With engines humming 
To deal with same._


----------



## BikerBabe (Jan 2, 2010)

"Kennst Du den Unterschied zwischen dem Alphorn und einer Blockflöte?"
"Nein."
"Das Alphorn brennt länger." 

"Do you know the difference between an Alp horn and a recorder?"
"No?"
"The alp horn burns longer!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 2, 2010)

Okay, did some quick Snope-ing on these, only one I could verify was the Colin Powell quote (although the question posed to him and the quote itself are greatly simplified), so I dunno about the rest:


Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.



Rusk
responded "does that include those who are buried
here?



DeGuale
did not respond.





You
could have heard a pin drop



















When
in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
empire building by George Bush.



He
answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for
in return is enough to bury those that did not
return.'




You
could have heard a pin drop..



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





There
was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American. During a break,
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you
heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intended to do, bomb them?'


A
Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to
shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and
from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does
France have?'







You
could have heard a pin drop..



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A
U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?'


Without
hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German.'



You
could have heard a pin drop..







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





AND
THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE....


Robert
Whiting , an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At
French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.


"You
have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.


Mr.
Whiting admitted that he had been to France
previously.


"Then
you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The
American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."


"Impossible.
Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France
!"


The
American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."







You
could have heard a pin drop..


----------



## Njaco (Jan 2, 2010)

Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! 

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. 

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. 

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The 
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 2, 2010)

GARET SFTUF RA!!!! I lkie yuros to NJ.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2010)

RA

 NJ. Seen it before but it always good to see it again...


----------



## v2 (Jan 2, 2010)

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. 
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.. 

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, 
Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean 
conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I 
guess I am a pilot.' 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked 
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. 
When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think 
about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' 

The two sat sipping in silence. 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the 
old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a 
lesbian.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 2, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 2, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jan 2, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 3, 2010)

excellent series Guys!..


----------



## Maestro (Jan 3, 2010)

v2 said:


> An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
> As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
> 
> She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
> ...



Haha... I heard the same story a while back. Except that it wasn't a pilot, but a cowboy.


----------



## Geedee (Jan 4, 2010)

This one is for you telepaths....





Brilliant, isnt it !


----------



## beaupower32 (Jan 4, 2010)

Sorry if these have been posted before.


*BLACKBIRD HUMOR*
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots," Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause....
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." (That's about 2,005 mph)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

*MORE BLACKBIRD HUMOR*
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 feet). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

*PILOT/NAVIGATOR HUMOR*
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest, sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

*HILLARY CLINTON/ARMY HUMOR*
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq, rumor has it the U.S. Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign, "Broomstick One."

*MILITARY AVIATION HUMOR*
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ahh," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

*COMMERCIAL AVIATION HUMOR*
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*MORE COMMERCIAL AVIATION HUMOR*
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

*AND EVEN MORE COMMERCIAL AVIATION HUMOR*
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
FLIGHT 2341: "But Center, we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 4, 2010)

I've read those before Beau but I still think they are hilarious!!


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## RabidAlien (Jan 4, 2010)

Hadn't read all of them....frikkin hilarious!


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 4, 2010)

LMAO, fricken hysterical!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 5, 2010)




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## beaupower32 (Jan 5, 2010)

I think the one with the Cherokee Pilot and the MD80 is my favorite.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 5, 2010)

From an emai:

Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: "Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where *I* went!"



today'sTHOT============================

A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.







*************************************

Found online:


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 5, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 6, 2010)

There's a seatbelt!....aw, who really cares!


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## magnu (Jan 6, 2010)

Who needs a seatbelt when you have such good airbags


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## Gnomey (Jan 6, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Jan 6, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Jan 6, 2010)

magnu said:


> Who needs a seatbelt when you have such good airbags





Wheels


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## RabidAlien (Jan 11, 2010)

It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Noooooooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy!"


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## Geedee (Jan 11, 2010)

How To Save The Airlines.....







The idea is this......dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore on some airlines, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Some hijackers would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 11, 2010)

There's only one problem with your idea Gary.  The wives of the world would revolt in a major way.


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## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 11, 2010)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> There's only one problem with your idea Gary.  The wives of the world would revolt in a major way.



So provide each flight with a case of duct-tape....






Today's groaners. Yep. You know you wanna laugh.



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'


13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal..' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.


21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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## phatzo (Jan 11, 2010)

RabidAlien said:


> It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
> 
> The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers."
> 
> ...


too funny I know what my Boss is getting for christmas next year


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## phatzo (Jan 11, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 12, 2010)

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby? Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jan 12, 2010)

RabidAlien said:


> A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?"
> 
> And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby? Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
> 
> She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."



Good one RA. 
Adler should get a kick out of this one too.


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Jan 14, 2010)




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## Geedee (Jan 14, 2010)

Snow.... 

DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've 
seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the 
porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees 
and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful. 

DEC 24th 

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering 
as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with 
a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and 
loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. 
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our 
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved 
back and shovelled it away again. 
The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes 
and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just 
missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun. 

DEC 26th 

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature 
dropped around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and 
bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. 
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much 
of snow is now a brownish-grey. 

JAN 1st 

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became 
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on me arse in the driveway. 
Went to a physio but nothing was broken. 

JAN 5th 

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to 
work. She slid into a wall and did 
considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white 
sh*** last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush 
That b ****** snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody 
shovel?! 

JAN 9th 

More f***king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't 
been damaged.Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from 
freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over 
and nearly torched the f ***ing house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my 
hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f ***ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off. 

JAN 13th 

F ****ing b ****** white s ***e just keeps on coming down. 
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. 
The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back 
- I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*cks a**e it'll take a 
good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**hole that drives the snowplough I'll chew 
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b ****** hides around 
the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the 
street like Michael "f***ing" Schumacher and buries the f***ing driveway again. 

JAN 17th 

16 more sodding inches of f***ing snow and f ***ing ice and f***ing sleet and god knows what other white s**** fell last night. 

I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f ****ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f ***ing snow forecast. 

F*** THIS, I'M MOVING


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## beaupower32 (Jan 14, 2010)

Geedee said:


> If I ever catch the a**hole that drives the snowplough I'll chew
> open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b ****** hides around
> the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the
> street like Michael "f***ing" Schumacher and buries the f***ing driveway again.



This part made me laugh the most.


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## Gnomey (Jan 14, 2010)

^ yeah!


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## BikerBabe (Jan 14, 2010)

Anyway, here's a little prayer that I whipped together. 

WW2 aircraft.net, which art onto the internet
Hallowed be Thy server
Thy forum come,
Thine Admin's will be done, online on the forum.
Give us this day our daily debate
And forgive our badly assembled kits, as we forgive those who cannot airbrush.
And lead us not into rare-kit shopping temptation
But deliver us from bad thinner
For Thine is the forum, the warbirds and the information, for ever and ever,

Humbrol!


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## RabidAlien (Jan 14, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 14, 2010)

Nice.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 15, 2010)

8)


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## v2 (Jan 15, 2010)

My Dog 
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy S**t, my dog is a democrat!


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## ToughOmbre (Jan 15, 2010)

*Just in Case You Get a Stimulus Check...*

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. 

*I'll explain it using the Q and A format.....*

*Q.* What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

*A.* It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

*Q.* Where will the government get this money?

*A.* From taxpayers..

*Q.* So the government is giving me back my own money?

*A.* Only a smidgen.

*Q.* What is the purpose of this payment?

*A.* The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

*Q.* But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?

*A.* Shut up or you don't get your check.

*Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * 

*1.* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China. 

*2.* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia. 

*3.* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India. 

*4.* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala. 

*5.* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea. 

*6.* If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan. 

*7.* If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts. 

*Or, you can keep the money in America by.....*

*1.* Spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or 

*2.* Going to baseball or football games, or 

*3.* Hiring prostitutes, or 

*4.* Buying cheap beer or 

*5.* Getting tattoos.

*These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US*.

*Conclusion:* 

*The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.*

TO


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## RabidAlien (Jan 15, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 15, 2010)

Ok, but if I'm asked by the Misses, I'm telling her TO said it was ok.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 16, 2010)

sounds like a plan TO!!


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## Gnomey (Jan 16, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Jan 16, 2010)

When I die, I want to die just like my grandfather; in his peaceful sleep- not screaming, like the people in his car. 



BTW that was here. http://www.coolfunnyquotes.com/funnyquotes3.shtml


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## Velius (Jan 17, 2010)

funny stuff on there!


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## v2 (Jan 17, 2010)

Last Sex...

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?' 

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.' 

She says, 'Of course, dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. 

Morris, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, and says, 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... You don't.


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## B-17engineer (Jan 17, 2010)

Oh my god hahahaha


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 17, 2010)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2010)

Haha !


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## RabidAlien (Jan 17, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 18, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 19, 2010)

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"

The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.

The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."


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## ScOoTeR1992 (Jan 19, 2010)

sorry if this has been posted before but oh well its only a short little one

man walks into doctors and says to the doctor "look man you gotta help me" doctor looks at guy and say ok mate what seems to be the problem man say to doctor " I stay up dancing all night and during the day all I can think of is dancing" so the doctor say "well looks like you got some boogey fever" then both the man and doctor start laughing when the doctor all of a sudden says "its fatal"

sorry if its a little corny had to think of something to put here


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## Wayne Little (Jan 20, 2010)

Aw...you Guys.....


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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2010)

_"Did you ever notice how the lonely one, is always standing in the sun?
It is because, inside his mind, he is leaving the group behind.
He closes his eyes, and he escapes, to any somewhere, his favorite place.
The sun's warmth becomes, the scent of a pine tree, or its brightness like, the depths of the sea.
He might go to the ocean, or to the woods.
He'd stay there forever, if he only could.
When he goes there, he's reminded that he's, part of a world bigger than one man ever sees.
It's in this place, independence he knows.
Does he need the group?
Absolutely no!
And when he returns, still smelling salt-air or pine, the group wonders where, he had gone all this time.
They don't understand, why he smiles so wide.
They want to; he knows, they could if they tried.
It's then that they realize, that he is not the lonely one, and then when they all come, to stand in the sun."

~ Anonymous ~
__________________


"Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other,
you could talk to this person for hours and never get bored,
you could tell them things and they won't judge you…
this person is your soulmate,
your best friend…
don't ever let them go."​_


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## evangilder (Jan 20, 2010)

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being 
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous 
evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 
'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty 
stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a 
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your 
butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even 
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing 
happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers 
swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the 
usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and 
lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not 
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint 
and supplies to refinish the den.


Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.


The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt..
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I 
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning 
shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was 
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a
gagging sound, and edly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store 
employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step 
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb 
in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a 
minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner 
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the 
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked 
none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter.


Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the 
store.


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## Geedee (Jan 20, 2010)

Outstanding...almost been there myself ! 

On a similar line, I've been banned from my local hardware store......walked in there last weekend and this guy came up and asked if I wanted decking ?......I got the first punch in !


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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 20, 2010)

evangilder said:


> I went to the Home Depot recently while not being
> altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
> evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
> 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty
> ...





Geedee said:


> Outstanding...almost been there myself !
> 
> On a similar line, I've been banned from my local hardware store......walked in there last weekend and this guy came up and asked if I wanted decking ?......I got the first punch in !


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 20, 2010)

ROFLMAO!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 20, 2010)

The Fert (wish I could claim credit for this one! Read with an Irish brogue)

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
stert workin like a gentle breeze
but soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'bodys gonnae have tae pay
even if ye try to stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
tae try and stop the leakin air
shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae **** ma breeks
tae the bog I better scurry
aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair
Where e're ye go let yer wind gan ' free
sounds like just the job fur me
whit a fuss at rabbie's perty
ower the sake o' won wee ferty


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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2010)




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## ScOoTeR1992 (Jan 21, 2010)

uhm I don't think this belongs here but just want to share it with everyone, found it while on wreckedexotics.

Sobering shot of an SUV that got lit up by mistake, by an F16 pilot near the air-ground gunnery range outside Dugway, Utah.The 'light paint and body damage' is the result of a one-quarter-second burst by the fighter's 20 mm gun, which fires about 3000 rounds per minute. An estimated 70 rounds left the gun; the results are as you see here.

What's even more astonishing is - the SUV was being driven at the time. The driver and the guy in the right-hand passenger seat escaped with some light glass injury to the driver, and a dislocated shoulder to the passenger. The shots hit the gas tank, but didn't explode; the gas just leaked out.

The passenger who normally sits in the back seat had just moved to another vehicle.

The vehicle was on the military reservation, but a full three MILES away from the gunnery range.


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## magnu (Jan 21, 2010)

Object lesson in why you should always drive considerately. 
You just don't know who might be in the vehicle you carve up
and payback is a BI*CH


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## RabidAlien (Jan 21, 2010)

Dang. Road-rage is really gettin out of hand!


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## Colin1 (Jan 22, 2010)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 22, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 22, 2010)

The Barbie goes ahead no matter what!


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## Geedee (Jan 22, 2010)

Bonzer !!! 


Did you know...

The British Navy ships are called HMS...which stands for Her Majesties Service
The American Navy has USN....which stands for United States Navy
The Italian Navy has AMB....which stands for Atsa Ma Boat !


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 22, 2010)

Good one Gary!!!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 23, 2010)

How to Handle A Husband 

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the 
talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful loving couple.' The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. 

The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America'. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. 

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.' 

And from that moment on.... we have lived happily ever after.'


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## RabidAlien (Jan 23, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 23, 2010)

LMAO


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## imalko (Jan 25, 2010)

Check out this clip. it's rather funny...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Px0wErIeJI_


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## spit5 (Jan 26, 2010)

http://194.88.148.104/dc/4e/4d/d7/69da1.scssdss.swf?c=47ac3298a973a90fa7 
8)


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## magnu (Jan 26, 2010)

The Irish fighter pilot

A WW2 vet from Ireland is being interviewed on the radio and is telling of his experiences in the war

Well now Oid just shot down one German and then Oi looked up behind me and saw three fokkers comin' down on moi tail.

The interviewer interrupts him.
Now I should point out to the listeners that Mr. O'Shaunessy is not being rude as there was a type of German plane 
known as the Fokker Wulf 190 . 
Isn't that right Mr O'Shaunessy 

Ah to be sure that's true but these Fokkers were Messerschmits


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 26, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 27, 2010)




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## Maestro (Jan 27, 2010)

I've been wondering for a few weeks now if I should post that video or not... But as anyone can see more explicit video clips on MTV, I decided to take the risk.

***Warning*** The F-word is used at least once in the song.

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNVE37BGVE_

Some peoples really have too much time on their hands...


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## Ferdinand Foch (Jan 28, 2010)

I just got these from my grandparents. The first one is from my grandma. 

Old Lady's Letter to her Bank 

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. 
Dear Sir: 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. 
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. 
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. 
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. 
Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. 
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. 
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH 
#1. To make an appointment to see me. 
#2. To query a missing payment. 
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there... 
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. 
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. 
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? 
Your Humble Client, 
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) YA JUST GOTTA LOVE 
US SENIORS.!!! 
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.


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## Ferdinand Foch (Jan 28, 2010)

And here's the one from my grandpa. 

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy 
women who are interested 
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? 
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that 
menopause is mentioned in 
the bible... Is that true? 
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 
year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?


A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?


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## Wayne Little (Jan 29, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 30, 2010)

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And
another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."


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## RabidAlien (Jan 30, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 30, 2010)




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## imalko (Jan 30, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Jan 30, 2010)

ha ha ha ha Igor.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 31, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 31, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 31, 2010)

Nice Igor!


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## Njaco (Feb 1, 2010)

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'


The Princess said, ‘NO!!!' 


And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted... whenever he wanted.

The End


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 1, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 1, 2010)

Lucky prince!


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## BikerBabe (Feb 2, 2010)

Here's a joke I found at my favourite danish women's online forum, from our Jokes section online, translated by me:

The other day while I was sitting at the table in a cosy café with my cup of coffee, I suddenly felt the urge to pass some wind.
The music was loud – very loud, and I made sure to let go of the “wind”, so that I timed it with the rhytm of the music.
After a couple of songs I felt really relieved, I felt so much better.
I drank my coffee and suddenly discovered, that everyone in the café was staring at me.

It was then that I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod...


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## Ferdinand Foch (Feb 2, 2010)

Thanks BB. I'll remember this the next time I have my ipod out in public. 

Anyway, here's a joke that my granpa sent me a little while back. 

Two women were sitting on a bench, quietly. 

(I hope somebody picks this up. 8))


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## Gnomey (Feb 2, 2010)




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## Njaco (Feb 2, 2010)

Thats not a joke, Ferd, thats fiction.


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 2, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 2, 2010)

This was sent to me today.

Cowboy's Honeymoon 





A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel 
for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and 
asked for a 
room. 





He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a 
good strong bed." 





The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?' 





The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 





"Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets 
used to it."


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## RabidAlien (Feb 2, 2010)

To all of the above!


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## Maestro (Feb 3, 2010)

I know Christmas was long ago, but I just found that "Christmas song".

It is so wrong but, oh, so funny. (Well, at least in my opinion.)


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23cjXModWpA_


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## BikerBabe (Feb 3, 2010)

Found this link at danish newspaper online, Morgenavisen Jyllands-Posten:

In a Seven News: News Flash, a Macquarie Bank worker can be seen looking a nude photos in the background during a live cross to Martin Lakos of Macquarie Private Wealth.


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1m8a4Jl4ZI_

Oopsie!


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## Gnomey (Feb 3, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 3, 2010)

LMAO, NICE!


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## ccheese (Feb 3, 2010)

Aren't you glad you live in the computer age ???

Charles


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 3, 2010)

That's funny Charles!!!


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## ccheese (Feb 3, 2010)

Ya gotta love the Irish...

> Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat 
> because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. 
> Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a 
> parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and 
> give up me Irish Whiskey!'
>
> Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
>
> Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Charles


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## ccheese (Feb 3, 2010)

Ya gotta love the Irish...

Paddy was in New York.

> He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic 
> cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and 
> shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
>
> He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood 
> on the sidewalk.
>
> After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the 
> tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ya let 
> the Catholics across?'

Charles


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 3, 2010)

Keep'em coming Charles, those are great!!!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 4, 2010)

Go Charles!


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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 4, 2010)

Paddy and Seamus were deep in the bottle one day when, in a contemplative mood, Seamus suggested they keep a bottle of the finest aged Scotch to have poured over their grave when they died. Both agreed, and purchased the finest bottles around. 

Years later, Seamus was lying in his bed in the hospital, and the end was near. His family and closest friends had all gathered, and Seamus weakly motioned for Paddy to come closer. "Don't forget the bottle, and the promise we made in our youth," he whispered. "Aye," replied Paddy, "I do remember, and have the bottle that has sat untouched lo these many many years, to be poured out on your grave. But, my friend, you wouldn't mind if I filtered it through me kidneys first?"


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## Ferdinand Foch (Feb 4, 2010)

I gotta email these to my grandpa, he'll love them. Keep them coming, guys!


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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 4, 2010)

Good one RA, good one!


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## ccheese (Feb 4, 2010)

Ya gotta love the Irish....

> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and 
> gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells 
> alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the 
> floor of the car.
>
>He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
>
>Just water,' says the priest.
>
>The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
>
>The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Charles


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 4, 2010)

LMAO


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## Matt308 (Feb 5, 2010)

Sorry I don't hang around this thread much anymore. I miss these posts.
_____________________________________________________________

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench 
one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of 
breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he 
did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your 
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on 
the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, 
the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I
want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, 
it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh!t but me."


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## Wayne Little (Feb 5, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Feb 5, 2010)

Hahahahahahahaha


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 5, 2010)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Feb 5, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 7, 2010)

He said....She said 
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.


7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."


5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "


4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

And the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there


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## RabidAlien (Feb 7, 2010)

#5 is the best!


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## evangilder (Feb 7, 2010)

Not So Dumb Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


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## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 7, 2010)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 7, 2010)

I'm gonna drink a unhealthy amount of Tequila.....

Unknown....“I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much”
Unknown....“Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.”
Oscar Wilde....“The heart was made to be broken”


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## Ferdinand Foch (Feb 7, 2010)

Lucky13 said:


> I'm gonna drink a unhealthy amount of Tequila.....
> 
> Unknown....“I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much”
> Unknown....“Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.”
> Oscar Wilde....“The heart was made to be broken”



? Uh, is something wrong Lucky? If this is a joke, I'm not getting it.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 7, 2010)

Title of the thread is "Quotes and Jokes". Indulge yourself tonight, Lucky my friend, but life does go on, and tomorrow is another day.


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 7, 2010)

I've tried that stuff before, and any amount of Tequila is an unhealthy amount!


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## beaupower32 (Feb 9, 2010)

Thibodeaux was driving down the road one day when he saw a beautiful woman standing in the middle of it. Thibodeaux hit the brakes and aksed the woman, "What's wrong Miss?" The lady explained, "My life is over. Nobody cares about me. I want it all to end, so I'm just praying that someone will run over me on this road." Thibodeaux begged her, "No Miss. Please don't do that. You are beautiful, obviously smart, and you have a full life ahead of you. I'll tell you what. Jump in my truck and I will sneak you onto the boat I am working on. We are heading to France, so you can hide during the journey and we will slip off together in Europe and live a wonderful life." The lady agreed, and Thibodeaux snuck her onto the boat as promised. For over three weeks, he fed her three meals a day, brought her water, and romanced her in the life boat after the crew went to bed. Eventually, the captain of the ship caught the lady and asked her, "Miss, why are you hiding down in that cabin?" The lady explained, "I'm so sorry. One of your crew, Thibodeaux, has been hiding me here, feeding me, and romancing me at night on this whole journey to France." The captian giggled and told her, "No, no. We're not on our way to France. This is just the Chalmette ferry!"


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## imalko (Feb 9, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 9, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 9, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 9, 2010)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2010)




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## ccheese (Feb 10, 2010)

Ya gotta love the Irish...

> Patton staggered home very late after another 
> evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid 
> waking his wife, Kathleen.
>
> He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs 
> leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he 
> caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he 
> landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke 
> and made the landing especially painful.
>
> Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down 
> his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were 
> cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and 
> began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
>
> He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and 
> shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
>
> In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in 
> both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
>
> She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
>
> Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
>
> 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front 
> door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could 
> be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your 
> bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the 
> hall mirror.

Charles


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 10, 2010)

That's a good one Charles!!   Thanks for posting.


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## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2010)




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## ccheese (Feb 10, 2010)

The construction crew, working on the grounds of the Convent, were a lively bunch,
but their language was getting to most of the nuns, who complained to Mother Superior.

She managed to corner the foreman one day, and told him he had to do something about
their language. He said, “Well, you know my boys, Sister, they call a spade a spade”.

Without blinking an eye, she responded. “They do not !! “They call it a f**ckin’ shovel’ !!

Charles


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## Wayne Little (Feb 11, 2010)




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## Bernhart (Feb 11, 2010)

early morning, construction crew/city worker is heading off to the job. They get to the site and realize they have forgotten thier shovels. In a panic the call back to the head office and ask the foreman What should we do??

Boss says no problem there is two of you, you'll just have to lean on each other until we can some shovels out to you.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 11, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2010)

Haha!


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 11, 2010)

Nice


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## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2010)

A man at the bar is staring at his drink. After half an hour, a troublemaker takes the drink and downs it. As the man starts crying, the troublemaker says: ‘Look, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.’ ‘It’s not that,’ the man says. ‘This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, was late for work and my boss fired me. Then I went to leave, only to find my car had been stolen. When I reported it, the police said they couldn’t do anything. And as I stepped out of the cab when I got home, I realized I’d left my wallet and credit card in the car. Then I found my wife in bed with the milkman, so I came to this pub. And while I was thinking about ending my life, you went and drank my poison.’


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## RabidAlien (Feb 12, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 12, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 12, 2010)

To all of the above!!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 13, 2010)

A farm boy accidentally overturns his truck. His neighbour, hearing the noise, yells: ‘Wills, come for a drink. I’ll help with the truck later.’

‘I don’t think my dad would like me to,’ Wills answers.

‘Come on,’ the farmer insists. ‘OK,’ the boy agrees, ‘but my dad won’t like it.’

I After a few drinks and a hearty dinner, Wills thanks his host ‘I feel much better now,’ he says, ‘but I know Dad will be really upset.’ ‘I’ll talk to him,’ the farmer says. ‘Where is he?’ ‘Under the truck.’


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## RabidAlien (Feb 13, 2010)




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## magnu (Feb 13, 2010)

Ja und next ve invade ze dictionary


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## Gnomey (Feb 13, 2010)




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## Loiner (Feb 13, 2010)

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a wanted ad in the local paper that read:

_*"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."*_

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you----you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"

She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"

The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.

"Ok, well, are you still good in bed?" she asked.

The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 14, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 14, 2010)




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## syscom3 (Feb 14, 2010)

Barak Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the
future. The both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first. "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existant, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy.

There are no worries"

Sarkozy thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks
"What will France be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

"Come on Sarko " says Barak, "What does it say?"

Sarkozy replies.

"I can't tell ! Its all in Arabic!"


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 14, 2010)

LMAO


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 14, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 15, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 15, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Feb 16, 2010)

How To Give A Cat A Pill 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. 
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. 
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. 
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. 
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. 
Call spouse from garden. 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. 
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. 
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. 
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. 
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. 
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. 
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. 
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. 
Get another pill. Open another beer. 
Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. 
Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. 
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. 
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap 

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. 
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

----------------


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Feb 16, 2010)

Goddam cats...

Definitely a Dog Lovers story……….. 

The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. 

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F*#k Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 16, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2010)




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## Loiner (Feb 16, 2010)

I like the pro-canine anti-feline sentiment 

A good understanding of cats from wheelsup_cavu


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 16, 2010)




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## syscom3 (Feb 16, 2010)

Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will promote many morons to become isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 16, 2010)




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## KMeyrick (Feb 17, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 17, 2010)




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## beaupower32 (Feb 17, 2010)

You spend the first year of a kids life trying to teach it to walk and talk.

You spend the next 17 years telling your kid to sit down and shut up!


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## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 17, 2010)

Great guys!!! Keep'em coming!


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 17, 2010)

And how!


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## BikerBabe (Feb 18, 2010)

A few from Sportbikefunnies on FB:





































And finally - my favourite:


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## Gnomey (Feb 18, 2010)




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## gumbyk (Feb 18, 2010)

Aah yes, that last one..

Its funny 'cause its true!!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 18, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 18, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Feb 19, 2010)

That last one was hilarious BB.



Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Feb 19, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 20, 2010)

Life without Farms....

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. 

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: 

"FREEZE, MUTHAF*CKA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit....


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## RabidAlien (Feb 20, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 20, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 20, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Feb 21, 2010)

Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Feb 23, 2010)

Three hockey fans were on their way to a game in Toronto when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out. Out of respect and propriety, the Ottawa fan took off his Senators cap and placed it over her right breast. The Montreal fan took of his
Canadians cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Toronto fan took off his Leafs cap and placed it over her crotch. 911 were called and, when the fire officer arrived, he conducted his assessment. First, he lifted up the Ottawa Senators cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Montreal Canadians cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Toronto Maple Leafs cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Ottawa fan was getting upset and finally asked, "Whats the deal, are all firefighters perverts or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the firefighter, "I'm simply surprised. Normally, when I look under a Leafs cap , I find an @sshole."


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## RabidAlien (Feb 23, 2010)




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## ccheese (Feb 23, 2010)

This one's for Evangilder...

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!


His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

'Why?' asked the pilot. 

'Because I'm the photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . 
You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Charles


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## beaupower32 (Feb 23, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 23, 2010)




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## Maestro (Feb 24, 2010)




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## magnu (Feb 24, 2010)

Two friends Jethro and Denzil win a raffle with a prize of a scenic flight from a local airport 
Jethro goes first and comes back with a big grin on his face, telling Denzil how great it was and how he will love it. So off goes Denzil while Jethro waits in the club house. About twenty mins. later he is summoned to the control tower where he hears the controller talking to Denzil.
Now try to remain calm Mr Penburthy and tell me exactly what is wrong.
Well the pilot 'ave passed out and I don't know what to do.
Can you tell me where you are and what attitude the plane is
We're upside down over Truro 'cos I can see the cathedral
And how can you tell the plane is upside down?
'COS THE SH*T IS RUNNIN' OUT ME COLLAR!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 24, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 24, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2010)

Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument 

1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something? 
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. 
3. You are just upset because you butt is beginning to spread. 
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? 
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 
6.Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on. 
8. Looks like someone had a bowl of bitch flakes this morning! 
9. Is there anyway we can do this via e-mail? 
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 25, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 25, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 25, 2010)

LMAO


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## Colin1 (Feb 25, 2010)

Morris and Esther went to Bridlington every year, and every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50"
One year later Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

In characteristic fashion, Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50."

The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but £50 is £50"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 25, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Feb 25, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 25, 2010)

You go, Morris!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 26, 2010)

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong........nothing can go wrong......nothing can go wrong......"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 26, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 26, 2010)

LMAO


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## Wayne Little (Feb 27, 2010)

A man approached a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "I've lost my wife here. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" said the women.

"Because every time I tall to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."


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## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 27, 2010)

I'm guessin he'll say the Jews rigged the track?


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## BikerBabe (Feb 27, 2010)

Cute! 

Dunno if this one can be called a joke, but I rather like it.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered..
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.. There was no fence
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'


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## RabidAlien (Feb 27, 2010)




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## Njaco (Feb 27, 2010)

Maria, gonna post that one at work!!

*HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU'RE OLD *
George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 
'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30. 

Then he phoned the police again. 

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up. 
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. 
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!' 
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' (True Story)


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 27, 2010)

LMAO


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 28, 2010)

Both of those are excellent folks.


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## Maestro (Feb 28, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 28, 2010)




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## Colin1 (Feb 28, 2010)

_Below:_ *The Silver Sardines were the tightest formation flying team in the world, pre-dating the Red Arrows by some twenty years. However, they never did master the art of landing...*


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## Gnomey (Feb 28, 2010)




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## Airframes (Feb 28, 2010)

Nice one !


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 28, 2010)

A friend of mine sent this to me. I thought you guys might enjoy this.

Written by an Australian Dentist 

To Kill an American 
You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that
someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone
who killed an American, any American. 

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know
what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, 
mate!!!!) 

'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish , Polish,
Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian,
Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or
Afghan or Filipino.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache,
Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian , or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact,
there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The only difference is
that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. 

An American is also free to believe in no religion.... For that he will answer
only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the
government and for God. 

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world. 
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence ,
which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation
in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.......... 


When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came
with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country! 


As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation
to the poor in Afghanistan ...
The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and
your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest
tossed. These in fact are the people who built America 


Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11 , 2001
earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade
Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first 
languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists... 
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo
, and Stalin , and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world.
But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself . Because Americans are not
a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human
spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an 
American.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 28, 2010)

A great piece, but not by an Australian dentist. It was originally penned by Peter Ferrara, associate professor of law at George Mason University School of Law. Still, I've got no arguements with the piece.

snopes.com: What Is An American?


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 28, 2010)

Nice...


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## magnu (Mar 1, 2010)

Jethro is sitting in the pub when in walks Denzil sporting a black eye.
where did you get that ? says Jethro
In church 
How on earth did you manage to get a black eye in church?
Well what happened was, I was sitting behind a lady and when we stood up I noticed her skirt was caught between the cheeks of her bum so I reached forward and pulled it out and she punched me in the eye!

Next week Denzil walks into the pub with two black eyes
Where did you get that one? Asks Jethro
Same place as before I was standing behind the same woman and when we stood up I saw her skirt wasn't caught. Well I knew from last time she didn't like it out so I reached over and pushed it back in for her.


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## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 1, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 1, 2010)

Thank you for the correction RA.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 1, 2010)

No worries, there was only one line that wasn't original (other than the origins). Its still an excellent essay!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2010)

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...


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## RabidAlien (Mar 2, 2010)




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## beaupower32 (Mar 2, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2010)




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## Colin1 (Mar 2, 2010)

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager. 

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here, I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull-bars at the front and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "No worries, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat; take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to pull him out by the legs." 

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss, no problem there, but I still can't get going." 

"Strewth, now what's the problem?"' raged the manager. 

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike, the flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch".

"... You there boss?"


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 2, 2010)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Mar 2, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 3, 2010)

*Colonoscopy Journal:*

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really, I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity...’

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?' 

----------------


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Mar 3, 2010)

..


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## RabidAlien (Mar 3, 2010)

Good one, Wheels! 

************************************************************************************************************

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 3, 2010)

Wheels, that was hilarious. and RA


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## Wayne Little (Mar 4, 2010)

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba
driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda' never fit you".


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## RabidAlien (Mar 4, 2010)

An elderly couple are attending a church service.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


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## Gnomey (Mar 4, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 7, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 7, 2010)

Prepare to laugh. Hard.

Videos | How It Should Have Ended


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## imalko (Mar 8, 2010)

I've received this by an email from my sister...



> "Impress your neighbors with Amazing Garage Door Covers!
> A German firm called "Style Your Garage" - creates posters for garage doors that make it look as if it's actually showing the interior of your garage, and what's in it! All but guaranteed to make passersby take a second look!"


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## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 9, 2010)

RabidAlien said:


> Prepare to laugh. Hard.
> 
> Videos | How It Should Have Ended



That looks good RA, will check that out later....


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 9, 2010)

Good one RA. Just got this from a friend and am still laughing.

This is sooo funny! 



These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your day 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! 



FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall
fences in a single bound. 

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big
reward. 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. 

NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. 

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents/lb. 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. 


And the best one: 


FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife
knows freakin' everything.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 9, 2010)

LOVE that last one!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 10, 2010)




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## Colin1 (Mar 10, 2010)

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was out, standing in his field...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 10, 2010)

This was too good not to post.

E-MOONING












We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: 

 means a smile and 

 is a frown. 

Sometimes these are represented by 

 

 

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?' 
Here goes: 

(_!_) a regular ass 


(!) a tight ass 


(_*_) an ass hole 

{_!_} a swishy ass 

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass 

(_X_) leave my ass alone 

(_zzz_) a tired ass 

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass 

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass 

(_?_) Dumb Ass


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## RabidAlien (Mar 10, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 11, 2010)

and which ASS best suits you Aaron...


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## Geedee (Mar 11, 2010)

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'


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## RabidAlien (Mar 11, 2010)

Good one, GD!






It was a beautiful Texas Saturday morning as Jake--an avid hunter--woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"


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## Ferdinand Foch (Mar 11, 2010)

Good one RA! Okay, I got one, this one I heard back in high school. 

Two friends are hunting in the woods, and one of the men has a new scope that he wants to try out. When they get to the top of the hill, the friend goes, "hey man, I'm gonna see if I can see you house from here." The other guy says no problem, and his friend starts using the scope. He says, "Dang, I can see your car, your grill, your pool, your. hey, I can see you wife in the bedroom, and she's naked!" Another second goes by, then he says, "hey wait a minute, I can see your nextdoor neighbor in your bedroom, and he's naked too!" 
Startled and angered, the husband starts shouting, "Son of a bitch! Alright, you know what I want you to do?! I want you to shoot my wife in the mouth, and my neighbor in the d!ck!" The friend begins to line up his sights, and finally shouts, "hey man, I think that I can pull this off in one shot!"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 11, 2010)

Wayne Little said:


> and which ASS best suits you Aaron...



(_E=MC2_) Smart Ass!


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## KMeyrick (Mar 11, 2010)

Here's why teachers drink...


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## Maestro (Mar 12, 2010)

KMeyrick said:


> Here's why teachers drink...



Haha ! Good ones... I specially like that one, as it could easily be the kind of thing I would have answered in a math exam in elementary school !


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## Wayne Little (Mar 12, 2010)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> (_E=MC2_) Smart Ass!



Now how did I know you would pick that one, Aaron...



KMeyrick said:


> Here's why teachers drink...



LMAO ! Excellent


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## Maestro (Mar 13, 2010)

This was a REAL question in a Grade 9 math book of Québec's Ministery of Education back in the late 90s... I swear I didn't made that one up.



> John was planning a trip in Europe. Scared of terrorist attacks, he knew that the chances of getting on a plane with a bomb aboard was of 2%. So he went to the local store and bought the stuff needed to build his own bomb. What are the chances that John's plane takes off with two bombs aboard ?



Note : I wrote this question off the top of my head, some numbers could be wrong/missing, but you get the picture... That question was censored from the book the following year.

Now, who wish to come to Prague with me ?


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## Gnomey (Mar 13, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 13, 2010)

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 13, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 13, 2010)

Dear Dogs and Cats:



The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:



(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children... 

(11) they never ask "Why"?


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## Gnomey (Mar 13, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2010)




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## v2 (Mar 14, 2010)

Conversation with God:

Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What's a million years for you?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Could I have a penny?
God: Wait for a second.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 14, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 14, 2010)

Wheels


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## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 14, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 14, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 15, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 16, 2010)

How is your day going?


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## RabidAlien (Mar 16, 2010)

Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you some coffee, sir?'"


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## Wayne Little (Mar 16, 2010)




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## Loiner (Mar 16, 2010)

A general store and garden centre manager was teaching his young shop assistant how to make a good sale one Friday afternoon, he told the young lad:

'when the customer wants to buy something, try to sell them something else in addition, that way we make twice the sales and twice the profit, watch me, "hello sir, can I show you these pots for that tree you're buying, thank you"

'I understand', said the young assistant, just try to sell them something else in relation to their purchse.

'You've got it' said the manager, 'now go and serve that man over there'

The manager watches the young assistant follow the customer into the the female hygeine department of the store, then watches him drag the customer over to the gardening department.

The manager shook his head, what an idiot, he thought, why drag the customer from the female hygiene section to the gardening section, what is he thinking of. I'll tell him what for when the customer walks out.

But to his amazement, the customer bought an expensive lawn mower as well as the pack of Tampons.

The assistant went back to his manager and asked 'well, how did I do?'

The manager said, 'wow, brilliant, how did you make that sale, what did you say to the customer?'

The assistant shrugged his shoulders 'I just told him, oh well, your weekend fun's completely f*cked, you might as well get one of these and get the lawn done!'


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## beaupower32 (Mar 16, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Mar 17, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 17, 2010)

Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Mar 17, 2010)

...


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## syscom3 (Mar 17, 2010)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results... He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart


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## Wayne Little (Mar 18, 2010)

Good one Sys....


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## Loiner (Mar 18, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Mar 18, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 18, 2010)




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## Maestro (Mar 19, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 19, 2010)

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. 

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!". I don't remember much after that.


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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2010)




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## syscom3 (Mar 19, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 19, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 19, 2010)

LMAO


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## Loiner (Mar 20, 2010)

nice one.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 21, 2010)




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## Maestro (Mar 21, 2010)

I don't remember if I posted this one before... I just hope it will have the same impact in English as it has in French...

The father of a gay-ish son decided to get him enlisted in the army, in order to make a man out of him. The boy chose the paratroopers.

Right after his training, the boy went back home. His father asked him how went the training...

"Well, said the son, the worst part was the jump training... When I arrived at the door, I was so scared that I couldn't jump..."

"So... What happened ?"

"The instructor ordered me to jump... And I couldn't. He repeated the command : "Jump !" I looked at him and said : "Sir, I'm too scared, I can't do it !"

"And what did he do ?"

"He replied : 'Jump or I'm gonna f*cking rape you !'"

"So... Did you jump ?"

The son looked at his father and said : "A little bit, at the beginning..."


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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 21, 2010)

..


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## RabidAlien (Mar 21, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 21, 2010)

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. 



There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."


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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2010)




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## Maestro (Mar 21, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 21, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 23, 2010)




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## beaupower32 (Mar 24, 2010)

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 24, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Mar 24, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 24, 2010)

Wheels


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## syscom3 (Mar 24, 2010)

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“


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## syscom3 (Mar 24, 2010)

Two guys are drinking in a pub. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” 

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”


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## RabidAlien (Mar 25, 2010)

Good ones, Sys!  






Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


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## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 25, 2010)

Good ones Syscom!!!

This was sent to me today. 

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women 





#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it
out a few times. 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.. 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN


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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2010)




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## Geedee (Mar 26, 2010)

Found this on another forum and thought it too good not to share..

ACCIDENT REPORT ON "ICARUS - THE FIRST FLIGHT" 

Accident Report (abstract) 

Site of accident: 5 miles north west of Crete 

Date of Accident: Approx 250 BC 

Aircraft Type: Homebuilt, Man-Powered (ultralight class) 

Injuries: 1 (fatal) 

Investigator: Glutinous Maximus (Head of Air Ops, Mediterranean Sector) 

Date of Report: 1/1/0001 

Details of Accident 

Considerable delay has occurred between the accident and the investigation, so the following notes detail the facts that have been established. The aircraft was a homebuilt ultra-light of original design, one of two constructed. The aircraft was constructed from a range of novel composite materials. The accident occurred on the first flight of the type. The pilot was the co-designer of the aircraft, and at the time of the accident had a total time of 25 minutes (all on type). At the time of the flight the wind was 180/3kts and cloud cover was 0/10 at all altitudes. 

There are no records of the pre-flight inspection, indeed the indications are that none was performed. On the day of the accident witnesses report the aircraft to have successfully taken off from Crete, the pilot having announced the intention of making for Greece (although no flight-plan had been filed). The flight was in company of another aircraft of the same type flown by the co-designer and father of the pilot. The second aircraft was also on its maiden flight, and its pilot also had no experience on the type prior to the flight. Approximately 25 minutes into the flight, some 5 miles north west of Crete, the aircraft was observed to climb to a considerably higher altitude than its partner. At this point it appeared to suffer a substantial structural failure followed by a departure from controlled flight; the aircraft entered a dive from which it did not recover before impact with the sea. 

There was no post-impact fire. No search was attempted due to lack of facilities, but the circumstances of the accident suggest that the pilot would have died on impact. The second aircraft proceeded successfully to its destination. 


Analysis of Accident 

Despite the elapsed time and total absence of surviving physical evidence it is felt that sufficient information exists to infer the sequence of events and the cause of the accident. 

The novel composite structure of the aircraft was known to be the subject of physical restrictions on operating temperature. These restrictions had been carefully explained to the pilot before the flight. When the pilot climbed to a higher altitude the levels of ambient solar radiation probably led to these temperature restrictions being exceeded, resulting in a thermal degradation of the basic structure. 

A progressive failure would have occurred, initial delamination of the upper skin material would have been be followed by a compressive failure of the upper mainspar. Brazier forces would then have extruded the internal wax core material leading to a catastrophic failure of the entire primary structure. This theory would help to explain why the second aircraft (at a lower altitude) experienced no such failure. 


FAA Comment 

This accident was clearly caused by an inexperienced pilot paying scant regard for the operational envelope of the airframe. Although the novel materials used in the airframe had strict limitations, these were well documented and explained to the pilot. It is regarded as significant that, despite the known thermal limitations of the materials used, no attempt had been made to protect the structure from infra-red radiation. 

A layer of aluminised film over the outside of the structure would probably have prevented the accident by extending the operational envelope of the airframe. In view of this, and other, design deficiencies in the aircraft it is recommended that Form 100 signatory approval be withdrawn from this manufacturer. 

It is further felt that from today (1/1/01) onwards no pilot should be permitted to attempt primary training flights as solo P1 on an experimental type. If this regulation had been in force at the time, Mr Icarus would probably not have attempted the flight. 


EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT 

The following eyewitness statement was made by Asticles, who was standing on the beach approximately 10 leagues away at the time of the accident. He reported seeing Greek Fire hit Icarus. Icarus then climbed an additional 150 rods before descending in a ball of fire. 

Greek Navy Ship "The Amphora" in the vicinity reported that it was patrolling the area which is a known route for the Olive Oil smuggling trade. Testacles, the captain of The Amphora reported that ship had nothing to do with the incident and that all Greek Fire projectiles on board were accounted for. 


ESTATE OF ICARUS AGAINST DAEDALUS ET AL 

(Vince Brannigan) 
Complaint in Product Liability , Negligence and Unlawful Detention 

Summary 

The deceased, Icarus, was killed while attempting to escape an unlawful imprisonment ergo Defendant King Minos is strictly liable for this death. The deceased was killed flying a defective homemade aircraft, designed and produced by the defendant Daedalus. The defendant's claim of the plaintiffs causing his own death are not supportable. 

The defendant, Daedalus, an expert inventor and engineer, affixed feathers to the wings with heat soluble wax. Alternative glues were known to the builder. Daedalus failed to consider alternative, more heat-tolerant, glues. 

The warning given to the operator Icarus, was inadequate given the age of the youth. In particular, the warning claimed to be given was "Icarus, my son, I charge you to keep at a moderate height, for if you fly too low the damp will clog your wings, and if too high the heat will melt them. Keep near me and you will be safe." This warning is in vague terms and failed to specify that melting the wings would lead to the death of the minor operator. Given the youthful age of the operator, it is critical that a warning be given in the clearest and most explicit language. 

The only testimony supporting the claim that an oral warning was given is the self serving testimony of the negligent inventor. In any case a warning is inadequate if a safer non heat sensitive glue is available There was no clear definition of "moderate", "too high" or "too low" and the operator's experience was insufficient for him to determine the optimum altitude. 

A water landing was a reasonably anticipated outcome of even a successful flight. No provision was made for a safe water landing. No safety equipment or training was provided. 

Sources indicate that, notwithstanding the claim of instant injury, Icarus in fact drowned, Bullfinch states: While his mouth uttered cries to his father it was submerged in the blue waters of the sea which thenceforth was called by his name. His father cried, "Icarus, Icarus, where are you?" At last he saw the feathers floating on the water, and bitterly lamenting his own arts, he buried the body and called the land Icaria in memory of his child. 

The claims that flying higher caused the sun to melt the wax is based on "junk science" inadmissible in this litigation. There is no evidence at all that radian solar energy increases at the heights involved in this matter and if anything the atmosphere cools as the flyer ascends 

Given these facts plaintiffs estate demands 1,000,000 gold pieces in damages. If Icarus is proven to be the employer of Daedalus, as well as father to the youth, a further sum may be payable due to Employer's Liability. There may also have been a breach of the Health and Safety at Work Act.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 26, 2010)

That's great Gary!


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## Ferdinand Foch (Mar 26, 2010)

Hey guys, what's your excuse? 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxUf2YZHRps_


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## Geedee (Mar 26, 2010)

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.


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## syscom3 (Mar 26, 2010)

@geedee.

"willy-nilly" .....


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 26, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 27, 2010)

Good Manners 

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners to fifth
graders asked her students the following question: 

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." 
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. 
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." 
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner
table. 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?" 
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands
with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope 
you'll get to meet after dinner." 


The teacher fainted.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 27, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 27, 2010)

Go Johnny! 



******************************************

(sorry if some of these are repeats, got a huge email from a friend of mine, and HAD to post these here!)


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## RabidAlien (Mar 27, 2010)

(and now the rest)


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## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2010)




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## Maestro (Mar 28, 2010)

That just made me realize something, though... If ever I have a daughter, I think the first thing I'm gonna buy her when she turns 14 is a jack knife... Along with a free self-defence lesson given by your truly.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 28, 2010)

Great stuff RA!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 30, 2010)

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through 
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic 
light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood 
of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the 
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but 
he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy 
Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula 
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing 
at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts,
.
.
.
.
.

.
. 
"Get the f*ck off the windshield!"


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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 30, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 30, 2010)

I got this one yesterday.

Love those Church Ladies..... These BLOOPERS actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:



-------------------------- 
The Fasting Prayer Conference includes meals. 
-------------------------- 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus.' 
-------------------------- 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 
-------------------------- 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is
hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 
-------------------------- 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
-------------------------- 
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation... 
-------------------------- 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
-------------------------- 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
get. 
-------------------------- 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days. 
-------------------------- 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 
-------------------------- 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early
and listen to our choir practice 
-------------------------- 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
-------------------------- 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children. 
-------------------------- 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
-------------------------- 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility. 
-------------------------- 
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 
-------------------------- 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in
the basement on Friday afternoon. 
-------------------------- 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
-------------------------- 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited
to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 
-------------------------- 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
-------------------------- 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 
------------------------- 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
-------------------------- 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance. 
-------------------------- 
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".


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## RabidAlien (Mar 31, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2010)




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## ToughOmbre (Mar 31, 2010)

Easter is coming. Anybody here ever get baby chicks for Easter?

TO


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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2010)




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## Loiner (Mar 31, 2010)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> I got this one yesterday.
> 
> Love those Church Ladies..... These BLOOPERS actually appeared in church bulletins
> or were announced in church services:



 Excellant.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2010)

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office, you w**ker"


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## RabidAlien (Apr 1, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2010)




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## Airframes (Apr 1, 2010)

Love it !


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## Maestro (Apr 2, 2010)

Wayne Little said:


> A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
> 
> The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
> 
> ...



Hah !

If it had been me, I would surely have replied something like : "Don't touch, me ! You, pervert !"


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## Wayne Little (Apr 2, 2010)

If you can't find the book 
you want 





You're probably shopping 

at the ..........


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## Catch22 (Apr 2, 2010)

LOL


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## Gnomey (Apr 2, 2010)




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## BikerBabe (Apr 2, 2010)

Got this one today:

Danish Prime Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen, US President Barack Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel went for a walk at the coast in western Jutland on a short stop-over, and Lars Løkke started bragging a bit:
"We've got a submarine that can stay submerged and take care of whatever business is necessary, for two weeks!"
"Hahah!" replied Obama, "Our nuclear-powered submarines can stay down for a year without getting extra supplies!"
Angela Merkel shoots a humble look at the two guys, and says nothing.
But suddenly a german submarine surfaces a hundred meters from the beach, the top hatch opens, and a man in uniform climbs out and hollers: "Heil Hitler! Ve are running short of diesel fuel!"


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## KMeyrick (Apr 2, 2010)

In honor of Easter....


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## Maestro (Apr 3, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 3, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Apr 3, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 7, 2010)

Was gonna post a pic, but it won't upload.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 8, 2010)

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto he bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullsh!t. Gotta' go home and have sex with the cat."


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## Gnomey (Apr 8, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 8, 2010)

Lucky's a mouse???


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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2010)

One day a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said:......... 

"You must have really p!ssed off Grandma."


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## RabidAlien (Apr 10, 2010)

Kids...gotta frikkin love em!!!


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## Gnomey (Apr 10, 2010)

Yep!


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## Maestro (Apr 11, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 11, 2010)

A company appoints a new personnel manager. Determined to impress, he sets out to rid the company of all its slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he sees a young guy leaning against a wall. He walks up to the guy and asks: ‘How much money do you make a week?’ The young fellow replies: ‘I earn $400 a week. Why?’ The personnel manager hands the guy $400 in cash and screams: ‘Here’s a week’s wages, now get out and don’t come back. 

He looks around the room and asks: ‘What did that slacker do here anyway?’ Eventually, one of the workers mutters: ‘Pizza delivery guy.’


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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Apr 11, 2010)

Today, at the Eurostar customs, an officer asked me if I had packed my luggage myself. I teasingly answered "No, I was helped by a member of Al Qaeda." which earned me a body and luggage search and a missed train. FML


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## Maestro (Apr 11, 2010)

Don't f*ck with custom officers... 

A man wakes up a morning after one hell of a night out. He walks up to the table and sits down. A few seconds later, his wife comes in with a black-eye, she puts a plate in front of his husband filled with two eggs, bacon, fried potatoes and bread. She also gives him a cup of hot coffee before returning to the kitchen.

Not remembering a single thing of what happened last night, the man leans toward his 10-year-old son and asks why she had a black eye.

"Well daddy, says the son, you came home at 2 in the morning drunk like a pig, you puked in the hallway and when mom asked you where you had been, you punched her in the face and went to bed... Still dressed up."

"Oh, my God, says the man, And what about the fine breakfast ?"

"After you had passed out, she went to the bedroom and started to undress you. When she undone your pants, you woke up and said : 'Get lost, bitch ! I'm married.'"


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## Geedee (Apr 12, 2010)

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.


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## Airframes (Apr 12, 2010)

Great stuff Gary !


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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2010)




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## beaupower32 (Apr 12, 2010)

a little boy's playing with his train, mother overhears him say.."all you b$#@%$ds getting on the train f-ing hurryup" After hearing this mum sends him to his room for 2 hrs untill he can learn to be nice to passengers. when he starts playing again 2hrs later mum hears him say " those disembarking mind the step and have a nice day, those boarding enjoy your journey and those upset about the 2 hour delay you can blame that fat B%$#h in the kitchen!


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## Gnomey (Apr 12, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 12, 2010)

That's an oldie but a goody Beau!!


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## RabidAlien (Apr 12, 2010)




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## Geedee (Apr 13, 2010)

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were stil twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!


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## RabidAlien (Apr 13, 2010)

Great one, Gary!!!



*************************************


Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him - ready for it? - a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

today'sTHOT============================

I was struck by an odd thought recently. Fortunately, it was only a glancing blow.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 13, 2010)




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## Geedee (Apr 13, 2010)

What Happens if you Order a Bacardi Breezer in Outback Australia


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## timshatz (Apr 13, 2010)

Love it. Sending that one out.


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## Gnomey (Apr 13, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 13, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 13, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2010)

Yep that sounds about right!

So make sure you order a REAL drink when you're down under!!


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## timshatz (Apr 14, 2010)

Wayne Little said:


> Yep that sounds about right!
> 
> So make sure you order a REAL drink when you're down under!!



I'll stick to beer. Too tricky to figure out what's wimpy and what ain't.


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## RabidAlien (Apr 14, 2010)

This morning I went to sign my dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog. 

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dog gets his first check Friday. 

This is a great country!!


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## beaupower32 (Apr 15, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2010)




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## Airframes (Apr 15, 2010)

Nice one!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 16, 2010)

Wow...your dog gets welfare!


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## razor1uk (Apr 16, 2010)

Ok, its a little bit past easter, but heres an Egg flavoured post...

If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once!
You only get smashed once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard!
Only 2 minutes to get soft!
You share a box with 5 other guys!
After 3 minutes in the hot tub, you get your head smashed in and then a good poking by a load of soldiers!
But worst of all, the only chick thay ever sat on your face was your mother!
So cheer up, your life ain't that bad!
Happy Easter!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 17, 2010)

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.


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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 17, 2010)

"Watchmen" and "Kung Fu Panda". x2


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## Maestro (Apr 18, 2010)

Wayne Little said:


> FEMALE PRAYER:
> 
> Before I lay me down to sleep,
> I pray for a man who's not a creep,
> ...



Those guys already exists... unfortunately for the girls, they are all gay.



Wayne Little said:


> MALE PRAYER:
> 
> I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
> Amen.



Uh ? I thought it would have been something more like :

_I pray for a gorgeous bisexual nympho between 20 and 30 who wouldn't mind taking one of her female friend to bed.
Amen._

Oh, well...


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 18, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 18, 2010)

Maestro said:


> --------
> Uh ? I thought it would have been something more like :
> 
> _I pray for a gorgeous bisexual nympho between 20 and 30 who wouldn't mind taking one of her female friend to bed.
> ...



If she took one of her female friends to bed, what do you plan on doing ? 


Wheels


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## gumbyk (Apr 18, 2010)

As long as she doesn't give him a rolex, wheels...

The lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday, very nice but i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch


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## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 18, 2010)

Gumby


Wheels


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## Maestro (Apr 18, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 18, 2010)

LMAO !


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## RabidAlien (Apr 18, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 19, 2010)




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## timshatz (Apr 19, 2010)

Love it.


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## gumbyk (Apr 19, 2010)

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. 

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" 

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?" 

"No", she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher".


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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2010)




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## KMeyrick (Apr 19, 2010)

gumbyk said:


> She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
> 
> 
> > Which I why I always use the word "Students"


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## Maestro (Apr 19, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2010)




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## gumbyk (Apr 20, 2010)

The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk:

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 

" You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late. 

His friend looks at him and says " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!! " and she acts like she's sound asleep! 

Works Every Time.


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## N4521U (Apr 20, 2010)

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division 

In case you need a laugh: 
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. 
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. 
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. 


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 

P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 

P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!) 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 

P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. 

And the best one for last.................. 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget


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## syscom3 (Apr 20, 2010)

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."


Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."


The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."


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## RabidAlien (Apr 20, 2010)

**********************************


I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement'. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and edly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


********************************


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## Gnomey (Apr 21, 2010)




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## beaupower32 (Apr 21, 2010)

Im crying over here RA, that was probably the funniest Sh!t I have read all day.


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## gumbyk (Apr 21, 2010)

Jeez, RA, I tried to read that at work. You know how stupid I looked trying to stifle my laughing???


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## gumbyk (Apr 21, 2010)

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. 

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? 

The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 22, 2010)

RabidAlien said:


> --------


I haven't laughed so hard that I cried in a long time.
Thanks RA.


Wheels


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## RabidAlien (Apr 22, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 22, 2010)




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## Airframes (Apr 22, 2010)

Bl**dy marvellous RA and Gum !!
Three couples apply to join one of those strange churches, the type which have strict rules and so on.
The Minister has a chat with them, laying out the format of the church, and the rules they must obey. Finally, he announces they will be on a trial period, and must pass a 'test', before being welcomed into the congregation.
"Now," he begins, "as a test of your faith and integrity, in order to welcome in our church, you must abstain from sex for one month".
The first couple, who are fairly elderly, smile at ach other, and then the husband replies.
"Shouldn't be a problem, we've been married over forty years, and only have sex maybe once or twice a year".
The Minister nods and smiles, then turns to the second couple, looking for their reaction.
"Well", the husband responds, "we've been married just under eight years, and only have sex about once a month. I reckon we can manage that."
Again the Minsiter smiles, before turning to the last couple, who are young, and sitting very close to each other, holding hands.
"And do you think you can uphold this request?" He asks.
"Well," replied the young husband,"we've only been married two months, and I guess it's going to be tough. But we really want to join this community, so yes, we'll do it."
"Good. I'll see you all one month from now." The Minister replied, dismissing the three couples.
A month passes, and the three couples meet with the Minister again.
"So, how did you manage with the test I set you?" he asks of the first, elderley couple.
"Not a problem at all. We abstained from sex as requested."
The Minister smiles broadly, "Excellent, and you are now most welcome to join our congregation".
He turns to the couple who have been married for just under eight years, "And you?" he asks.
"It was tough towards the end". the husband replies. "But I'm happy to report we managed it".
"Well done, and welcome to our church". The Minister smiles in reply.
"And how about you?" He asks of the newly weds.
The young husband looks sheepish, and stutters slightly before replying.
"Well it was very, very tough. We were doing well until yesterday, and then it all fell apart. You see, my beautiful wife bent over, right in front of me, in order to pick up a can of paint. I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist it, I just had to take her there and then."
The Minister frowns, then states "I'm sorry to hear that. You do realise that you are no longer welcome in our church?"
"We're no longer welcome in Homebase either!" replies the young husband.


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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 22, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 23, 2010)




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## Maestro (Apr 24, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2010)

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'


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## v2 (Apr 24, 2010)

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 24, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2010)




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## Catch22 (Apr 24, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 24, 2010)

****************************************


Couple of quotes from "Bridge Too Far" that I've always liked:

(while trying to find a way through celebrating townsfolk who believe they've been liberated):
Col. Robert Stout: I'm Bobby Stout.
Lt. Colonel J.O.E. Vandeleur: Have you ever been liberated before?
Col. Robert Stout: I got divorced twice, does that count?
Lt. Colonel J.O.E. Vandeleur: That counts. 


(SS officer approaching Frost's position at the foot of the Arnhem bridge under white flag):
Major Harry Carlyle: Rather interesting development, sir.
[to the German]
Major Harry Carlyle: That's far enough! We can hear you from there!
SS Panzer Officer: My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He wishes to discuss terms of a surrender!
Major Harry Carlyle: Shall I answer him, sir?
Lt. Col. John Frost: Tell him to go to hell.
Major Harry Carlyle: We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry!
SS Panzer Officer: [confused] What?
Major Harry Carlyle: We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else?
[German officer walks off]
Lt. Col. John Frost: Well, that's that.


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## Catch22 (Apr 25, 2010)

Tom Hanks Forces Houseguests To Play 'World War II' With Him | The Onion - America's Finest News Source


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## gumbyk (Apr 25, 2010)

Here in NZ, the IRD is the equivalent of the IRS in the States...




At the end of the tax year, the IRD office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRD agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." 

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" 

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."


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## RabidAlien (Apr 26, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Apr 26, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Apr 26, 2010)

Don't hang around her too much, so apologize if this has been posted before...
_________________________________________________________________




A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering coughing. 

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'


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## RabidAlien (Apr 26, 2010)

****************




A man, seeking to join the Texas State Troopers, is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol, go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Progressive Liberal Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asks.

"That's the attitude we're looking for," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


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## Maestro (Apr 26, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 26, 2010)

Irony: always carrying two books with you, in case you finish one five minutes into your lunch hour. How is this ironic, you ask? Current book: "Patton: A Genius for War" by Carlo D'Este. Backup book: "Knight's Cross: A Life of Field Marshal Erwin Rommel" by David Fraser. You just can't plan stuff like this!!!


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## Loiner (Apr 27, 2010)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year!
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 27, 2010)

Excellent guys!! Keep'em coming!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 27, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Apr 28, 2010)

Just so that you know fellas, I don't drink anymore...I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle.....


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 28, 2010)

...


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 28, 2010)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 28, 2010)

Wheels


----------



## syscom3 (Apr 29, 2010)

Wild_posts - Online Business Schools


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 29, 2010)

Round two:


----------



## Lucky13 (Apr 29, 2010)

A bit different from the twister I'm used to...but just as fun!


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 29, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Apr 30, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 30, 2010)

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."



today'sTHOT============================

A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2010)

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' 

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!' 

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!' 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. 

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. 

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!' 

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!' 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?' 

'Nope...just when it's raining.'


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (May 1, 2010)




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## Maestro (May 1, 2010)

To stay on the unfaithful wives tracks...

Three guys meet up in a bar. The first one tells the others : "I think my wife is cheating on me with a mechanic... Last night, I found oil under the bed."

The second replies : "I think my wife is cheating on me with a carpenter... Last night, I found sawdust under the bed."

The third replies : "I think my wife is cheating on me with an horse..."

"Why ?" asks one of the men.

"Last night, I found a cowboy under the bed."


----------



## RabidAlien (May 1, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (May 1, 2010)




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## T Bolt (May 1, 2010)

True story!
A guy I know who is a plumber told me this happened to him:
My friend goes out on a service call and the guy who owns the home lets him in and tells him the toilet is stopped up. He goes to work with his drain snake and clears the clog and six or eight condoms come up. He tells the home owner everything’s fixed and takes his check as he warns the guy not to flush condoms because that’s the cause of the clog. All of the sudden the homeowner turns red and starts shaking with anger and my buddy gets worried as he’s a little guy and this guy is pretty big and between him and the door. He’s thinking or how to get away when the home owner hands him the check and with gritted teeth tells him “I had a vasectomy two years ago”


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## Airframes (May 1, 2010)

Wouldn't like to be 'her indoors' when she got home!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 1, 2010)

Ooooops.....


----------



## Wayne Little (May 1, 2010)

REALLY BIG Ooooops!


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 1, 2010)

It's official, the Aussies have won in the race of perfecting the Stealth Ship..........


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 1, 2010)

Vessel........what vessel? I don't see no vessel.


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## RabidAlien (May 1, 2010)

Yer pullin my leg. What Australian Navy? I don't see no Navy, and I've been staring at that pic for 20 minutes now!


----------



## Wayne Little (May 2, 2010)

Well bugger me.....It really works!


----------



## Gnomey (May 2, 2010)

Big oops on the first one! She certainly had it coming though.


----------



## Maestro (May 2, 2010)

Gnomey said:


> Big oops on the first one! She certainly had it coming though.



Could have been worst for the girl, though...

"Honey, I've got a great news : I'm pregnant !"
"I'm f*cking sterile, you dirty bitch !"


----------



## beaupower32 (May 3, 2010)

Thats the second picture that someone has posted stating there is a boat. I dont see no stinkin boat. 


Nice ones btw.


----------



## Lucky13 (May 3, 2010)

*I must now, in every possibly way and srongly so, point out that, I am not in any way an alcoholic!*

*“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day"

“Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live.”

“I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the wine, or any other reason.”

“It's like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don't know where your going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It's like the throw of the dice.”

“Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.”

“Responsible Drinking? Now that's an Oxymoron.”

“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.”

“Drunkenness is temporary suicide: the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness”

“Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

“Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer”

“Well, people got attatched. Once you cut the umbilical cord they attatched to the other things. Sight, sound, sex, money, mirages, mothers, m*sturbation, murder, and Monday morning hangovers.”

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.”*





*Now, Who's up for a pint or three?*


----------



## Gnomey (May 3, 2010)

The first sign of being an alcoholic is denial of being an alcoholic


----------



## T Bolt (May 3, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 3, 2010)




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## Airframes (May 3, 2010)

But Jan isn't as thunk as he drinks he is! And what's all this BS about a vessel and Australian Navy? AGAIN I can't see a boat, ship, canoe, kyak, or any other sort of vessel!


----------



## RabidAlien (May 4, 2010)

HAPPY STAR WARS DAY, y'all! Yup, its unofficially Star Wars Day here in the US. May the Fourth be with you!


----------



## Wayne Little (May 4, 2010)

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blonde secretary 

was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.


----------



## Lucky13 (May 4, 2010)

He he he....


----------



## Gnomey (May 4, 2010)

Funnier when Sydney isn't even the capital.


----------



## Lucky13 (May 4, 2010)

WAYNE!?


----------



## Matt308 (May 4, 2010)

Busted!


----------



## Wayne Little (May 5, 2010)

C'mon...Sydney is the Capital of New South Wales....you Guys!


----------



## Gnomey (May 5, 2010)

True, but it isn't the overall capital


----------



## RabidAlien (May 6, 2010)

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."


----------



## Wayne Little (May 6, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (May 6, 2010)




----------



## ccheese (May 6, 2010)

Couldn't pass this one up.....

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. 
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, 
and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to 
Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed
and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at
all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding 
flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,'insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

"The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of 
our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. 
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play 
softball all we want, and we never get tired.' 'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! 

So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Charles


----------



## Airframes (May 6, 2010)

Great one Charles!!


----------



## Gnomey (May 6, 2010)

Good one Charles


----------



## RabidAlien (May 6, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (May 7, 2010)

This happened on one of AirTransat's Québec-Cancun flight...

The commander turned on the microphone and started his speech to the passengers : "Dear passenger, I'm Commander Douglas and I'll be your pilot for this flight to Cancun. We shall fly at an altitude of 25,000 feet at a speed of 500 mph and the temperature at Cancun is currently of a warm 35C..."

Then there was a "Crack" followed by a "Oh, sh*t !" and the transmission ended. The crew started to walk up and down the alleys nervously then the commander got back on the microphone...

"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I just dropped a cup of hot coffee on me... You should see the front of my pants..."

Then a voice raised from the back of the plane...

"God damn it ! He should see the back of *my* pants !"


----------



## Gnomey (May 7, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 7, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 8, 2010)

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. 

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and
the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the
white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent
all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that!"


----------



## T Bolt (May 8, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (May 8, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 8, 2010)

Hm. He's got a point there....


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 8, 2010)

Once a Marine, Always a Marine

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. 
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?" 
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married" 
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" 
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and bang your brains out." 
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" 
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission accomplished."

----------------



Wheels


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## vikingBerserker (May 9, 2010)

LMAO!


----------



## Maestro (May 9, 2010)




----------



## v2 (May 9, 2010)

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. 

No matter what; 

metal, 

wood, 

stone, 

anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." 

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. 

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. 

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. 

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. 

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. 

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! 

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. 

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. 

Question: What was in the prince's pants? 
(Scroll down for the answer) 








M&M's of course. 



They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT.


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## Gnomey (May 9, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 9, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 9, 2010)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 9, 2010)

Wheels


----------



## Maestro (May 9, 2010)




----------



## ccheese (May 10, 2010)

There are some new government programs just getting started. Perhaps you havn't heard of all of them

New Government Programs

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy,
Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and
above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program
(System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress
deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants 
Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special
High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on
the amount of SH!T they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring this to the
attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SH!T you
can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.


Charles


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## T Bolt (May 10, 2010)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 10, 2010)

Wheels


----------



## RabidAlien (May 10, 2010)

Bloody frikkin BRILLIANT!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (May 11, 2010)

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off....?


----------



## Gnomey (May 11, 2010)




----------



## BikerBabe (May 12, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (May 12, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 12, 2010)

Yeah, that crackling sound, accompanied by the smell of burning electronics? That's just Lucky drooling on his keyboard again. Lucky, my friend....ya gotta scroll down far enough to read the caption!!!


----------



## BikerBabe (May 12, 2010)

RabidAlien said:


> Yeah, that crackling sound, accompanied by the smell of burning electronics? That's just Lucky drooling on his keyboard again. Lucky, my friend....ya gotta scroll down far enough to read the caption!!!



I didn't know he could _READ_???   
*runs like hell*


----------



## Wayne Little (May 13, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 17, 2010)

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it..... 

The thief spends less than my wife does......


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 17, 2010)

-------------------------------

"As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on 
base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I 
noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death 
from below!"

Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an 
Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and 
spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"


----------



## Gnomey (May 17, 2010)




----------



## T Bolt (May 17, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 17, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 17, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 18, 2010)




----------



## ToughOmbre (May 18, 2010)

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the clouds parted above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said.....

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes, or four, on that bridge?"

TO


----------



## T Bolt (May 18, 2010)




----------



## ToughOmbre (May 18, 2010)

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "He had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr too," says the mother quietly.

"Oh, gracious me .. . . , " says the other.

"And this is my third son, my baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says.....

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

TO


----------



## v2 (May 18, 2010)

Yanukovych's trouble:

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApDTIYWWc9A_


----------



## Gnomey (May 18, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 18, 2010)

x3


----------



## Wayne Little (May 19, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 20, 2010)

DOGS' PET PEEVES

~ Yelling at me for barking...HEY, I'M A DOG!!

~ Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

~ Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

~ Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

~ Yelling at me for rubbing my bottom on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

~ Dog sweaters. Helloooo...have you noticed the fur?

~ Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

~ Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

~ The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.



today'sTHOT============================

There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.


----------



## T Bolt (May 20, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (May 20, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 20, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (May 20, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 21, 2010)

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


----------



## Gnomey (May 21, 2010)

Haha


----------



## RabidAlien (May 21, 2010)

Oops!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 21, 2010)

Good one Wayne.

----

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. 
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? 
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. 
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pu$$y willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

================================


Wheels


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## vikingBerserker (May 21, 2010)

LMAO!


----------



## RabidAlien (May 21, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!!




****************************




MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. 


EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. 
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 


MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale 


BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. 


ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 


FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 


SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 


MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. 


DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 


NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 


OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.. 


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! AMEN!!


----------



## T Bolt (May 21, 2010)

100% true!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 21, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 22, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (May 22, 2010)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 22, 2010)

Good one RA.


Wheels


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 22, 2010)

A-fricken-men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (May 23, 2010)

Two Hill Billy hunters got a pilot to fly them from St John's, Newfounland, up into Labrador to hunt moose. They were successful and bagged two moose.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said that the plane could only take one moose. The two lads strongly objected saying, "Last year we also shot 2 and the pilot let us put them both on board. It was the exact same type of plane with the same capacity and they took off from that same lake."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and both were loaded. However, upon take-off the little plane nicked the tree tops it and they crashed in the bush.
Dazed and climbing out of the wreck one Hill Billy asked the other, "Where are we?"
The second one said, "I think about 500 yards further than we got last year."


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## vikingBerserker (May 23, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (May 23, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (May 23, 2010)

Thanks Wayne.

I was going to post another one but Eric got to it first.
Quokes and Jokes - Page 87 - Aircraft of World War II - Warbird Forums
I think it's still funny as heck though.


Wheels


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## Gnomey (May 23, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (May 24, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (May 24, 2010)




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## T Bolt (May 24, 2010)




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## timshatz (May 24, 2010)

Don't know if this one's been through yet but...

A 10Pm curfew is announced in Baddad. On the first day, there is a shooting at 9:45pm by the security services. The Supervisor goes down and asks the Officer why he shot him 15 minutes before curfew. The guy says, "I know where he lives, he never would've made it".


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## vikingBerserker (May 24, 2010)




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## Gnomey (May 24, 2010)




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## ToughOmbre (May 24, 2010)

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket."

TO


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## ToughOmbre (May 24, 2010)

*Old Jewish Man*

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview...... 

*CNN journalist:* "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" 

*Old Jewish Man:* "Morris Feinberg" 

*CNN journalist:* "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" 

*Old Jewish Man:* "For about 60 years." 

*CNN journalist:*"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 

*Old Jewish Man:* "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." 

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." 

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." 

*CNN journalist:* "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" 

*Old Jewish Man:* "Like I'm talking to a f****** wall."

TO


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## RabidAlien (May 24, 2010)

(to all above!)


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## Wayne Little (May 25, 2010)

Me too RA!


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## Gnomey (May 25, 2010)

Yep!


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## wheelsup_cavu (May 25, 2010)

​Indian Teepee

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move. 

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations. 

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway. 

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right. 

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore. 

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!" 

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine. 

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?" 

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian. 

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week." 

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?" 

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian. 

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight times a day for a week." 

The Indian left and one week later he returned, looking a little ragged. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?" 

"Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of crap."

--------------------------------



Wheels


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## RabidAlien (May 25, 2010)

::rimshot::


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## Wayne Little (May 26, 2010)

[email protected]


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## Gnomey (May 26, 2010)




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## ToughOmbre (May 26, 2010)

*Golfers*

Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwing with you Sol. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

TO


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## RabidAlien (May 26, 2010)

reminds me of a couple of golf tales:

George was heading out to play his weekly round of golf with his buddy Fred, when he found his way blocked by his wife. "You can't go play today! We've got that fund-raiser with my parents this afternoon! You promised you'd help MONTHS ago!"

"Relax, honey, Fred and I are only going to play one round, I'll be back by noon." After several minutes of argument, his wife finally relented, and George headed out to meet Fred at the club.

Noon rolls around, and George hasn't made it home yet. 12:30, 1PM, no George. His wife finally storms out to her scheduled appointment, vowing vast and painful retribution on her wayward husband.

Later that night, around 10PM, George finally staggers home, dirty, sweaty, and thoroughly exhausted. His wife immediately tears into him about keeping promises and being late and what was he doing all this time?

"Sweetheart, lemme tell you what happened to me today. We'd started off well, were on the seventh hole, when all of a sudden, right there on the tee, Fred dropped dead of a heart attack." His wife gasped, all sympathy and support now. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry! I didn't know! It must've been horrible, you two were so close!"

George is nearly in tears by this point. "You can't even imagine, Sweetheart....the rest of the day, it was all 'hit the ball, drag Fred...hit the ball, drag Fred....'"


********************************


Two older gentlemen are out playing golf one day when a funeral procession slowly makes its way down a nearby street. The first golfer solemnly takes off his hat and holds it over his heart, standing ramrod straight until the last of the cars had passed by. His buddy was moved. "I'll be danged, that was some display of respect!" "Well, its the least I could do...we were married for 57 years!"


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## Wayne Little (May 27, 2010)




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## Gnomey (May 27, 2010)




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## T Bolt (May 27, 2010)




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## Messy1 (May 27, 2010)

I found this cartoon online, and it has a great message to it. Wasn't sure where to post it, but figured this thread would do!


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## RabidAlien (May 27, 2010)

Good one! I've got a few somewhere, I'll try to dig em up tonight.


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## Wayne Little (May 28, 2010)

Good one Messy!8)


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## Gnomey (May 28, 2010)

Good one 8)


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## Messy1 (May 28, 2010)

Or "American" could be replaced by your own nation of course!


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## BikerBabe (May 28, 2010)

Good one there. 

Gotta admit that I _love _Failbook - failed Facebook status messages collected in one place:












Hmmmm! 






...oh dear...*chuckles*






Oopsie!


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## vikingBerserker (May 28, 2010)

LMAO


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## T Bolt (May 28, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (May 29, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 29, 2010)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (May 29, 2010)




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## Maestro (May 30, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (May 30, 2010)

You’ll have to talk to my Pa.

An Oklahoma rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. 

A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied.. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either.. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. 

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

----------------




Wheels


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## RabidAlien (May 30, 2010)




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## T Bolt (May 31, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (May 31, 2010)




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## Gnomey (May 31, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (May 31, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (May 31, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 1, 2010)

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to
Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel
and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good,
because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something
to help them keep going.

Do you know what the E-mail said? 




I was just wondering, I didn't get one either.......


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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 1, 2010)

Heh. I got one telling me about a long-lost relative in Nigeria who recently passed away and left me billions...


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## gumbyk (Jun 1, 2010)

RA, that was "the little somethig to keep them going" that it talked about.

Better reply quick!!!


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## RabidAlien (Jun 2, 2010)




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## Geedee (Jun 2, 2010)

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do..

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" 
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked"

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . m*st*rbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie - Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!


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## T Bolt (Jun 2, 2010)

That one had me in tears Gary!


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 2, 2010)

LMAO!


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## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2010)

Haha!!


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## RabidAlien (Jun 2, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 3, 2010)




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## Messy1 (Jun 3, 2010)

Too funny!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 3, 2010)

I can't see the screen for the tears I'm laughing so hard.


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## Thorlifter (Jun 4, 2010)

This was emailed as a true story, but I have verified it is not. Just another urban legend. But wouldn't it be great if..............


BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!

Charlotte , North Carolina . USA .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the 24 cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim! Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART!
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


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## T Bolt (Jun 4, 2010)

I just hope it's true!!!


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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2010)

It isn't but it is still funny


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 4, 2010)

If it is true it proves one thing. Lawyers are not as smart as they think they are.


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## Maestro (Jun 5, 2010)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> If it is true it proves one thing. Lawyers are not as smart as they think they are.



Be careful... If ever you get arrested, no lawyers will want to defend you, after this.


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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2010)

heard that one before...still a damn good one!


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## Geedee (Jun 5, 2010)

Subject: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MOHAMMED SAEED AL SAHHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete abrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. 
The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads 
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

OPRAH
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?


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## RabidAlien (Jun 5, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Jun 5, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 5, 2010)

LMAO


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## T Bolt (Jun 5, 2010)

LMAO squared!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 6, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 6, 2010)

Good one Gary!!!


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## Airframes (Jun 6, 2010)

Nice one Gary !


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jun 6, 2010)

They nailed the DR. Suess rhyme.


Wheels


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## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2010)

Little Johnny returned home from his first day in third grade and asked, "Mom, what's sex?"

After a brief moment of panic, she decided that the best response was to be open and honest with her child. Calmly, she gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, Little Johnny produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"


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## Wayne Little (Jun 7, 2010)




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## Bernhart (Jun 7, 2010)

2 americans come up to northren ontario for a fishing trip, at a well known fishing camp. as it is way up north they are unfamaliar with the weather. they see a local indian fellow who works around the camp, and figuring him for a local they ask the Indian. 
"Rain today fish no bite today." And sure enough it rains. 

this goes on for a few days, with his weather predictions proving very accurate. 

The americans are very impressed with his weather predictions and give him extra money for the tips. 

On the last day before they are due to leave they decide to get up early and get some fishing in before they have to leave. so again they ask him about the weather for the day. 

"don't know" is his answer this day however. 
"why? to unpredicatable today?"the ask. 

"weather forecast hasn't come up on the radio yet this morning" is his answer


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## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2010)




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## gumbyk (Jun 7, 2010)

city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style." 

"What's country style?" asks the city boy. 

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute." 

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's-it's m-my turn." 

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."


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## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2010)

Irony (note the gas station logo on the pumps):


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## Wayne Little (Jun 8, 2010)

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....
 
"HEBREWS"


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## Geedee (Jun 8, 2010)

I went to my doctor the other day with some questions about food and diets. Couldn't see my normal doc so had a chat with his replacement, a jovial little Chinese dude.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better everything Cow eats in one package! 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink unhappy happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q: What about food additives? 
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added must be better like fuel additive! 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.. 

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


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## Airframes (Jun 8, 2010)

I like it !!!


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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2010)




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## syscom3 (Jun 8, 2010)

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.


However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, ‘Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.


Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'


No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'


----------



## evangilder (Jun 8, 2010)

ROFL


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 8, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 9, 2010)

For our friends overseas...


----------



## Geedee (Jun 10, 2010)

Sad but true !!

On a similar note...

Question: How can you tell the difference between a British, an Australian and an American Police Officer? 

First, consider the following scene: 

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family." 

What do you do? 

BRITISH POLICE OFFICERS 

Answer: (Immediate thought processes) 
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan? 
Does he prefer to communicate in English or PUNJABI 
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion? 
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job? 
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya? 
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog? 
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group? 
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets? 
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society? 
Is he an undercover DAILY STAR reporter looking for a news breaker? 
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police? 
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community? 
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing? 
Counsel him and advise him of his rights under the Charter of Rights as he approaches. 

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS 

Answer: BANG! 



AMERICAN OFFICERS 

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. 
(Sounds of reloading) 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 
Click.


----------



## T Bolt (Jun 10, 2010)

Thanks for the good early morning laugh Gary!


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2010)




----------



## Airframes (Jun 10, 2010)

Love it !


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 10, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 10, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 10, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jun 10, 2010)

NICE!


----------



## ccheese (Jun 10, 2010)

Flyboy Goes To Heaven...

An Air Force officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes
makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of
my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the
biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This
time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing
to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. 

The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

Charles


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 10, 2010)




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## Maestro (Jun 11, 2010)

Geedee said:


> Sad but true !!
> 
> On a similar note...
> 
> ...





I heard about the same joke made by an Australian comedian during a humor festival...

A thief comes out of a store carrying a (obviously stolen) TV.

*French Police Officer*
(Replace his cap on his head, make sure his hair are OK.) Freeze !

*Belgian Police Officer*
Uh... ? Freeze !

*British Police Officer*
Freeze... please !

*Australian Police Officer*
Ah ! F*ck it !

*Canadian Police Officer*
Freeze... _BANG !_

*American Police Officer*
_BANG !_ Freeze !


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## RabidAlien (Jun 11, 2010)




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## ccheese (Jun 11, 2010)

Did You Know The US Navy Invented Sex ?

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal
was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies,* 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'*

[Ouch !] Charles


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## Messy1 (Jun 11, 2010)

Booo!!!


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## Airframes (Jun 11, 2010)

Cough! Splutter!
Nearly choked there Charles, good one!


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 11, 2010)




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## ccheese (Jun 11, 2010)

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various
baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."

Charles


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## RabidAlien (Jun 11, 2010)

We all know the only good Marine is a submarine!


----------



## BikerBabe (Jun 12, 2010)

Found this little gem online: 
_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTIlsTW77Y8_


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 12, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 12, 2010)

Found on Facebook:


----------



## Maestro (Jun 13, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 13, 2010)




----------



## Airframes (Jun 13, 2010)

Love it!


----------



## Loiner (Jun 14, 2010)

All good ones above, all made me laugh.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 15, 2010)

Glad to be back for a good laugh...


----------



## Matt308 (Jun 16, 2010)

One for my rare occasion frequenting your room...
____________________________________________________________

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 17, 2010)

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!"


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 17, 2010)

Never cheat on a Country Girl.....

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.

Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered,

"Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you? The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 17, 2010)




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## Airframes (Jun 17, 2010)

Love it!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 17, 2010)

Ouch!


----------



## B-17engineer (Jun 17, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Jun 18, 2010)

Yeehaw !


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 20, 2010)




----------



## BikerBabe (Jun 20, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 21, 2010)

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "dumbass!" afterwards.


----------



## Wurger (Jun 21, 2010)

The hare's family lives in an earth under a big oak. One day the young hares burst in home craing and screaming " What a shame, what a shame !!!!"
" What happened ??? " asked a doe-hare 
The oldest hare answered - The bear caught dad and dried him his ar$e.


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## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 21, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 22, 2010)




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## Colin1 (Jun 23, 2010)

...thank you and if you've just joined us, in today's matches we see that the USA meet Algeria at the Loftus Versfeld Stadium, while England meet France at the airport...

Thank you


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 23, 2010)

Engineering In Hell


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right..... And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 23, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 23, 2010)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 24, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Jun 25, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 26, 2010)

How to make a woman happy...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol


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## RabidAlien (Jun 26, 2010)

This is alarming 

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. 

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-


1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.


5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.


7) Failed to think rationally, and


8. Had to sit down while urinating. 

No further testing was considered necessary!!


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## Airframes (Jun 26, 2010)

Brilliant !


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 26, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jun 26, 2010)

LMAO!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 26, 2010)

A good friend sent this to me today.

Happy 4th of 

July!.... 

.....let' s get this started now, 

So it will be out there on the fourth!!!! 







I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, 




OF THE 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ,





AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR 

WHICH IT STANDS,





ONE NATION UNDER GOD,





INDIVISIBLE, WITH 

LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! 



KEEP IT LIT!





KEEP IT LIT! 



For 

All of our other military personnel, wherever they may be 

Please 

Support all of the troops defending our Country. 







And God Bless our Military who are protecting our Country for our Freedom.

Thanks 

To them, and their sacrifices we can celebrate the 4th of July 











We must never forget who 

Gets the credit for the freedoms we have, of which we should be Eternally
grateful.. 





I watched the flag 

Pass by one day, 

It fluttered in the breeze. 









A young Marine 

Saluted it, 

And then he stood at ease.. 





I looked at 

Him in uniform 

So young, so tall, so proud, 

With hair cut square 

And eyes alert 

He'd stand out in any crowd. 







I thought how many men 

Like him 

Had fallen through the years. 

How many died on foreign 

Soil 

How many mothers' tears? 





How many pilots' planes 

Shot down? 

How many died at sea 

How many foxholes were soldiers' 

Graves ? 

No, freedom isn't free 



I heard the sound of Taps 

One night, 

When everything was still, 

I listened to the bugler Play 

And felt a sudden chill. 



I wondered just how many times 

That Taps had meant 'Amen,' 



When a flag had draped a Coffin. 

Of a brother or a friend. 









I thought of all the Children, 

Of the mothers and the wives, 

Of fathers, Sons and Husbands 

With interrupted lives. 



I 

Thought about a graveyard

At the bottom of the sea 







Of unmarked graves in Arlington . 

No, freedom isn't free. 







Enjoy Your Freedom 

And God Bless Our Troops



When You receive this, please stop for a moment 

And

Say a 

Prayer for our servicemen. 

Of all the gifts you could give 

A US Soldier, Prayer is the very best 

One.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 26, 2010)

A good friend sent this to me today.

Happy 4th of 

July!.... 

.....let' s get this started now, 

So it will be out there on the fourth!!!! 







I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, 




OF THE 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ,





AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR 

WHICH IT STANDS,





ONE NATION UNDER GOD,





INDIVISIBLE, WITH 

LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! 



KEEP IT LIT!





KEEP IT LIT! 



For 

All of our other military personnel, wherever they may be 

Please  

Support all of the troops defending our Country. 







And God Bless our Military who are protecting our Country for our Freedom.

Thanks 

To them, and their sacrifices we can celebrate the 4th of July 











We must never forget who 

Gets the credit for the freedoms we have, of which we should be Eternally
grateful.. 





I watched the flag 

Pass by one day, 

It fluttered in the breeze. 









A young Marine 

Saluted it, 

And then he stood at ease.. 





I looked at 

Him in uniform 

So young, so tall, so proud, 

With hair cut square 

And eyes alert 

He'd stand out in any crowd. 







I thought how many men 

Like him 

Had fallen through the years. 

How many died on foreign 

Soil 

How many mothers' tears? 





How many pilots' planes 

Shot down? 

How many died at sea 

How many foxholes were soldiers' 

Graves ? 

No, freedom isn't free 



I heard the sound of Taps 

One night, 

When everything was still, 

I listened to the bugler Play 

And felt a sudden chill. 



I wondered just how many times 

That Taps had meant 'Amen,' 



When a flag had draped a Coffin. 

Of a brother or a friend. 









I thought of all the Children, 

Of the mothers and the wives, 

Of fathers, Sons and Husbands 

With interrupted lives. 



I 

Thought about a graveyard

At the bottom of the sea 







Of unmarked graves in Arlington . 

No, freedom isn't free. 







Enjoy Your Freedom 

And God Bless Our Troops



When You receive this, please stop for a moment 

And

Say a 

Prayer for our servicemen. 

Of all the gifts you could give 

A US Soldier, Prayer is the very best 

One.


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Jun 27, 2010)

RabidAlien said:


> How to make a woman happy...
> 
> It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
> 1. A friend
> ...



And that is before she realize that this man is gay... 



RabidAlien said:


> HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
> 
> 1. Show up naked
> 2. Bring alcohol



Now, this is sooooooo true.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 27, 2010)




----------



## Geedee (Jun 28, 2010)

This is the true story of a Garage Owner in Southwest New Mexico 

He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. 

So he came up with this idea. 

He put the word out that he had a new Mexican Lion that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence. 

Would-be thieves saw the "Lion" from a distance and fled the scene.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 28, 2010)




----------



## rochie (Jun 28, 2010)

All future England football games will only be screened on the gay adult channel as the sight of 11 assholes getting hammered for 90 minutes is too much for normal tv schedules !!!!


----------



## Airframes (Jun 28, 2010)

Germany wins BoB 4-1 !!!


----------



## Geedee (Jun 28, 2010)

Airframes said:


> Germany wins BoB 4-1 !!!



Dont worry chaps....the England football have have a new coach.....its picking them up and taking them to the airport right now


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2010)




----------



## v2 (Jun 29, 2010)

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" 

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. 

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of 
fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. 

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" 
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on 
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. 

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane. 

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 29, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2010)

while the Soccer is still fresh...

1. The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jamal, aged six. 

2. What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer. 


3. News Flash: Huge spike in sales of pink fairy tutus at Glastonbury Festival by blokes too embarrassed to wear their England shirt.



4. Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied: "No way. You got yourself into this mess. Don't ask me to sort it out!"



5. What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee. 


6. Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.



7. I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian. 


8. What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the PlayStation.


----------



## Airframes (Jun 29, 2010)

Nice one Dominic.
All very true Wayne. Sack the lot of the overpaid prima donnas, and tell them to get a proper job! Run a team? Couldn't even run a bath!!


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 29, 2010)

Yep!


----------



## Matt308 (Jun 29, 2010)

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT......

They started crying and turned around and went home. 



FLORIDA OR MOON 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says.... 

"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????" 



CAR TROUBLE 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' 

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' 



SPEEDING TICKET 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' 



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' 



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' 



KNITTING 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' 



BLONDE ON THE SUN 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. 

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' 

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' 

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' 

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' 



IN A VACUUM 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' 



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. 

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. 

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 30, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 30, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 30, 2010)




----------



## Colin1 (Jun 30, 2010)

A guy walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE taking welfare. I’d really rather have a job." 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll 
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. 

You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £50,000 a year." 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You’re bullshittin" me!" 

The social worker replies, "You started it..."


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 30, 2010)

Crap. I was gonna ask where to apply!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 1, 2010)




----------



## T Bolt (Jul 1, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2010)




----------



## Deacon (Jul 1, 2010)

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." 

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over..............women like that are hard to find."


----------



## Geedee (Jul 1, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 1, 2010)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Jul 1, 2010)

*THE PERFECT HUSBAND *

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

*MAN:* 'Hello.' 

*WOMAN:* 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?' 

*MAN:* 'Yes.' 

*WOMAN:* 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?' 

*MAN:* 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.' 

*WOMAN:* 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.' 

*MAN:* 'How much?' 

*WOMAN:* ' $90,000.' 

*MAN:* 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' 

*WOMAN:* 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000.' 

*MAN:* 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.' 

*WOMAN:* 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' 

*MAN:* 'Bye! I love you, too.' 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. 
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

TO


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## ToughOmbre (Jul 1, 2010)

*THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER*

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' 

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

TO


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## Maestro (Jul 2, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 2, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 2, 2010)




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## ToughOmbre (Jul 3, 2010)

*Teaching Math - 1950 - 2010*

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

*1. Teaching Math In 1950s*

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

*2. Teaching Math In 1960s*

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

*3. Teaching Math In 1970s*

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

*4. Teaching Math In 1980s*

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

*5. Teaching Math In 1990s*

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

*6. Teaching Math In 2009*

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

*Year 2010:* 

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's Property, he won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says its OK anyway cuz its redistributing the wealth. 

TO


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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2010)

_'Ah! Foot ball! Waste of good land! Load of overpaid illiterate nancy boys pissing about for 90 minutes!!'_

_'All those gay ball jockies should get a real job. But I guess there are enough road sweepers and bin men already! They're too thick for anything else!'_


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## B-17engineer (Jul 3, 2010)

ToughOmbre said:


> *Teaching Math - 1950 - 2010*
> 
> Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
> 
> ...


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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2010)

*Year 2011: *

Burn the sh*t down!


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## ToughOmbre (Jul 3, 2010)

Lucky13 said:


> *Year 2011: *
> 
> Burn the sh*t down!



I'm with you Lucky! 

How to correctly hold on in a moving train.....

(We're talking about the old guy by the door!)

TO


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## Gnomey (Jul 3, 2010)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2010)

ToughOmbre said:


> I'm with you Lucky!
> 
> How to correctly hold on in a moving train.....
> 
> ...



Moving train? Old man? Door?


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## Airframes (Jul 3, 2010)

Talk about chewing cloth !!!


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## Maestro (Jul 4, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 4, 2010)

Dang. Lucky pole!


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## HOUSTON (Jul 4, 2010)

MY Mom is a scream....when I asked her what she was doing to her chiming clock, the conversation went thus ..

ME..."Why have you gotten the clock in bits and pieces Mom?"

MOM.."Why becasue the chiming is all wrong "

ME..."What do you mean , its all wrong ?"

MOM...." The chimes are supposed to chime every quarter hour and they dont!"

ME...." SO..what happens now ?"

MOM .. " They are Chiming EROTICALLY !!!"

I just could not stop giggling ....

HOUSTON


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## Wayne Little (Jul 4, 2010)

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.So, I said, "Implants?" She hit me.


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## RabidAlien (Jul 4, 2010)




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## Maestro (Jul 4, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Jul 4, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 5, 2010)

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a
moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a
few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"


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## Maestro (Jul 5, 2010)




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## ccheese (Jul 5, 2010)

Charles


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## Maestro (Jul 5, 2010)

This just remembered me of an old joke...

A man gets back from work one day, his wife tells him : "Honey, the shelf fell from the wall, could you repair it ?" 

The husband looks at his wife and says : "I'm no carpenter, for God sake !"

The following day, the man gets back from work again and his wife says : "Honey, the sink is leaking... Could you fix it please ?"

To which he answer : "I'm no plumber, for God sake !"

The next day, he comes back from work again to find his wife sitting on the couch.

"Oh, honey !" she says, "Forget about the repairs... Bob, our neighbor, came here today and offered to repair the shelf and fix the sink. I wanted to thank him, so he told me to either make a pie for him or have sex with him..."

"Oh," says the husband "so what kind of pie did you make ?"

"A pie ? I'm no cook, for God sake !"


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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 5, 2010)




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## Maestro (Jul 6, 2010)

What about Robin Williams' thoughts about the A-bomb ?

***Warning : Coarse language.***

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAo-EEn7f44_


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## Wayne Little (Jul 6, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 6, 2010)




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## Airframes (Jul 6, 2010)

Great! And the rest of them too!


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## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2010)

Got to love Robin Williams.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 6, 2010)

*A blonde gets home early... *

A blonde wife gets home from work early hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. 
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, 
sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 
'I think I'm having a heart attack,'- cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, 
but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up 
And says,"Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe she has no clothes on" 

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. 
She rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, 
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 
'You rotten witch!', she screams. 
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Wheels


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## v2 (Jul 7, 2010)

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. 
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. 
"America," the husband replied. 
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." 
"Yes I am." said the wife. 
He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?" 
"Yes." she replied. 
Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." 
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."


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## RabidAlien (Jul 7, 2010)




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## T Bolt (Jul 7, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 7, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 7, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 7, 2010)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2010)

A man answers a job ad in the newspaper and is called to an agency in London to find out what it involves. "Well'," says the agent, "Our client runs a travelling bikini roadshow of 20 model girls. They need a man to generally look after the girls when
they travel to glamour spots all over the world. You'd also have to help massage oil into their bodies before the show. They always stay in 5-star hotels, of course, but sometimes there's a requirement for you to share a room with them. Oh,yes, salary's about £100,000 per year and you get 8 weeks paid holiday".

"Sounds ok" said the man "What happens next?"
"Well, the interviews are on Monday, can you get to Glasgow by then?"
"Why Glasgow,? I thought they'd be here in London"
"They are, that's where the queue ends!"


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## RabidAlien (Jul 8, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Jul 8, 2010)




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## Maestro (Jul 9, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 9, 2010)

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.


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## RabidAlien (Jul 9, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 9, 2010)

ROFLMAO!


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## Gnomey (Jul 9, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 9, 2010)




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## Maestro (Jul 10, 2010)

Wayne Little said:


> There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.



We could also say : "The first step toward divorce is wedding."


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## Wayne Little (Jul 10, 2010)

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. 
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful.


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## RabidAlien (Jul 10, 2010)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2010)

*Inflight Refueler *

_A man in a pub that takes his beer with his when he goes to the gents and drinks it while having a pee. _

_'- Right I'm off for a slash.

- I'll look after your pint mate.

- No it's OK I am an inflight refueler.'_


*Double-Chipping *

_When a house guest reaches into a bag of chips and eats some. Then licks all over their hands, then reaches into the bag and eats some more chips, Double-Chipping. 

Me and a buddy were eating Hot Cheetos but he kept "Double-Chipping"_ 


*Establish a Beachhead *

_Military term now used to describe the act of positioning oneself and one's crew at the front of the bar to ensure primo cocktail service and quality lay of the land._

_Terry and Karl agreed to get to the bar early to establish a beachhead._


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 10, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Jul 10, 2010)

I did a few Mad Libs online...fill in the blanks without seeing whats written they came out like this


Dear Terry,

You are extremly Smelly and I Fast you! I want kiss your Arm Seven times. You make my Store burn with desire. When I first saw you, I Shockingly stared at you and fell in love. Will you Spit out with me? Don`t let your parents discourage you, Jan's are just jealous.

Yours forever, Wayne

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sweetheart,

I lay awake all House thinking of you, your Smelly smile, and our Dog in the Chile. Surprisingly , I recall our meeting, how my heart Rubbed with Barn when I first saw you. How Slimy you looked in that Blue Grocery Store and those two Disgusting Pants on your Legs!

I cherished every moment we were together and was Thinkable when our date came to a close. I can`t say how Regardless I regret spilling Beer on your Jaw; you were Brash about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you`re Brash.

You`re Accurate most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of Vodka , warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as Mistakes. Your lips are like succulent Sausages . Your hair is Pink like a Horse on a summer`s day.

I can`t wait to Taste with you again. Write soon.

Contemplatively,

Your Friend
---------------------------


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## Wayne Little (Jul 11, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Jul 11, 2010)

hahahah  

I like the first one.


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## Airframes (Jul 11, 2010)

I think Harrison has been at Jan's Guinness stash !!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 11, 2010)

I think maybe one of his soccer team mates kicked him in the head.


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## T Bolt (Jul 12, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2010)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> I think maybe one of his soccer team mates kicked him in the head.



Most likely.....


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## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2010)

blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office 
for a female boss who always goes home early. 

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. 
She'll never know." 

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. 

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, 
the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes 
home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! 

She quietly sneaks out of the house and comes back at her normal time. 

The next day the brunette says, "That was fun, we should do it again sometime." 

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


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## v2 (Jul 13, 2010)

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. 

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" 

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." 

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" 

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." 

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." 

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. 

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"


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## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2010)

ROFL !


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## RabidAlien (Jul 13, 2010)




----------



## Loiner (Jul 13, 2010)

, I like it.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 13, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 13, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 13, 2010)




----------



## Airframes (Jul 13, 2010)

Two good ones !!


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## RabidAlien (Jul 13, 2010)

And now, so that our blinded brethren do not feel slighted...


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 13, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 14, 2010)

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."


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## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 14, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 14, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2010)

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2010)




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## ToughOmbre (Jul 16, 2010)

*New Panties *

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times that her husband finally asks.....

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"YESSSS," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat." 

He never heard the gunshot.

TO


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## Airframes (Jul 16, 2010)

I'll be back after clearing up the coffee spat all over the monitor !


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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2010)

Yep!


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## RabidAlien (Jul 16, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!!


----------



## Maestro (Jul 17, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Jul 17, 2010)

A girl was trying on a new dress she had just bought. She then turns around and asks her boyfriend : "Honey, do you think my plunging low neckline is too low ?"

The boyfriend looks at her and says : "It depends... Do you have hair on your chest, darling ?"

"Of course I don't," she says.

"Then I think your plunging low neckline is too low."


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## Wayne Little (Jul 17, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 17, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 17, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 18, 2010)

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in .

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


----------



## Vic Balshaw (Jul 18, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 18, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 18, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 18, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Jul 18, 2010)

Always be careful with foreign languages...


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 19, 2010)

A man went to buy a parrot. The pet shop owner pointed out three identical parrots and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the LINUX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Boss."




today'sTHOT============================

I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass.


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## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2010)

_"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in."_

George McGovern


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 19, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 20, 2010)

Angus's long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one All Hallows' Eve, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered up the path. 
His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, _"Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye ..."_ 
_"The Devil, you say?"_ Angus interrupted. _"Then ye must come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe I'm married to your sister!"_


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 20, 2010)




----------



## Geedee (Jul 20, 2010)

NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW...NEW.

JUST RELEASED!

Wish you could master Flight Sim 98 with the aid of an experienced TYPE-RATED 'Cybercaptain' in the background? Sick and tired of always having to click PAUSE and then 'HELP'?

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU COULD FLY YOUR 747-400, 737 EFIS OR 757 WITH THE HELP OF A REAL TIME PILOT IN THE JUMPSEAT?

NOW YOU CAN!

INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW FS98 INTERFACE PROGRAM "CAPTAIN".

Download CAPTAIN 1.0 absolutely free! CAPTAIN operates in the background and uses minimal memory resources. It is the ideal 'crew member' to have around when things start going wrong in a high workload situation.

CAPTAIN operates much the same as MS EXCEL Help Wizard, except it will jump in when it detects you are having a problem. It is like having a real pilot in the jumpseat, monitoring the progress of your flight and instantly comes up with advice where it thinks you're having trouble.

Some examples of CAPTAIN's advice -

"Try Progress Page 3"

"You haven't reset your MCP Altitude"

"You'll catch the cabin at 3000 feet! Reduce your rate of descent."

"Watch that tailwind!"

"Have you deselected AUTO and set MAN?"

If you really get into trouble and don't want to crash, CAPTAIN can be programmed to take over control from you at a second's notice. It can do so automatically if you transgress certain safe parameters of speed, sink rate etc, or manually requesting CAPTAIN to take over by hitting the ESC button. Its that simple!

All advice will annunciate automatically when CAPTAIN detects you are having problems, and will virtually advise on the root causes.

Download Captain 1.0 NOW, and start really enjoying Flight Sim!

*****

Dear Bob in Tech Support,

I am having bulk trouble with your new program CAPTAIN 1.0 for FLIGHT SIM 98. Did you have to design it after a cranky old bastard? Helpful advice my arse! Some of the 'help' lines it spits out include:

"Chr*st, are you for real?"

"Where'd you get your type rating? Out of a Cornflakes packet?"

"What the f*ck did you do that for? You can't fly for sh*t!"

"You're not doing anything till I've had my Beef Wellington first!"

The worst thing about CAPTAIN is that it takes over control at my slightest mistake! If I go only a bit below G/S, if my IAS varies by more than 2 knots, if the weather is less than VFR, this bloody CAPTAIN program of yours just takes over without so much as a By Your Leave! Even CTL-ALT-DEL is powerless to stop it. Where is this ESC button option? It doesn't work!

Even when I pull the plug and simply turn the computer OFF, CAPTAIN loads itself on reboot as a little icon in W95 and says something like "Hmmm....I remember you! No sectors for you today pal!" After which I no longer have any direct piloting control of FS98. I can't even select the route I'd like to fly.

Despite your free patch program HOSTIE 3.1, which I downloaded last week from your site, it has made no difference to CAPTAIN. While HOSTIE 3.1 standing alone is a wonderful program that runs extremely well with my interface it is no help against the instrusive nature of CAPTAIN 1.0. Every time I make a slightest mistake in Flight Sim 98, CAPTAIN 1.0 immediately executes itself and loads into FS98 along with reams of abuse concerning my mistakes. Either that or it unilaterally takes over my FS98. It mysteriously remains idle if a perfect FS98 exercise is flown. HOSTIE never interferes and it is fun to have in concert while playing FS98. Also, HOSTIE does not execute unless I call for it. I am running HOSTIE in Playful mode.

Even so, it appears that CAPTAIN 1.0 wants to run my whole computer - HDD, RAM, NORTON UTILITIES etc, it even tries to dictate my BIOS settings! It completely ignores inputs from UNINSTALL CAPTAIN.EXE (even showing the words "Who the hell do you think you are? I am the CAPTAIN!") and is forever conflicting with all other programs in my computer. Should I run FS98 with TOWER, it continually complains to ATC just about every clearance received. So much so that TOWER tells me that my clearance is cancelled and to proceed to Alternate! Sheesh!

I hope you can help me as I'm practically at wit's end. I want to show FS98 to my mother but I can't until CAPTAIN is brought under control.

- Snails

*****

Dear Snails,

We had programmed CAPTAIN to be of independent analytical thought, but had no idea it would go crazy. Our finished product was modelled on that of a charming polite gentleman. It appears after one month in use it acquires certain bugs. We knew CAPTAIN would be realistic, but didn't intend it to go so far into reality.

Try running HOSTIE 3.1 in another Mode with CAPTAIN 1.0. Change HOSTIE Mode by entering Edit - Options - Personality. The options found there should be: Normal - Playful - B*tch - Teaser - Wh*re - Sl*t - B*lltearer. I suggest you select 'Sl*t'. Note that Virgin Mode cannot be selected as it was in Hostie 3.0 as it has never been used by any FS pilot.

CAPTAIN 1.0 always detects when HOSTIE 3.1 is operating in SL*T Mode and will be distracted from FS98. Our recent laboratory benchtesting shows that CAPTAIN reverts to that of the originally designed program intention of pleasantness after 30min interaction with HOSTIE in this mode. CAPTAIN should then return to FS98 as the program as was designed. Then reselect PLAYFUL mode. This is because when HOSTIE remains in SL*T mode it will bring up any teasing p*rn*graphic pictures you may have in your internet browser's cache or on your HDD. That's nice while on enroute cruise, but could be an embarrassment while demonstrating your FS98 to mum.

We hope this helps.

Bob and Tech Support Team.

PS: It might pay to have CAPTAIN interact with HOSTIE in SL*T mode anytime CAPTAIN appears to get bitchy or cranky.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 20, 2010)

...


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2010)




----------



## Airframes (Jul 20, 2010)

Like it !


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 20, 2010)

That was good Gary!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 21, 2010)

Special car names 

AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention 

BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet

FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology 
FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill 

GMC...Garage Man's Companion 

HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable and Inexpensive

SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object


----------



## Bernhart (Jul 21, 2010)

Ford-fix or repair daily or found on road dead


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 21, 2010)

Toyota - Toed Often Yearly Overunning Tripple-A


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 21, 2010)

Ford: Found On Russian Dump


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 21, 2010)

Big
Ugly 
Import
Car 
Killer


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 21, 2010)

Dodge

Dear Old Dads Geriatric Express 
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater 
Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere 
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires 
Dangerous On Days Gears Engage 
Drive Only During Great Emergencies


Wheels


----------



## beaupower32 (Jul 22, 2010)

FORD: F*cked Over Rebuilt Dodge


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 22, 2010)

Gee....looks like I started something....


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 22, 2010)

Old
Ladies 
Drive 
Slowly
Mostly
Off
Bridges
Into
Lake
Erie


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 23, 2010)

Fiat: Failure in Automotive Technology
Fiat: Fix It Again Tom. (Insert any name that starts with a T.)

Ford: F**ker Only Runs Downhill
Ford: F**ked on Race Day
Ford: F**king Over-Rated Disaster
Ford: F**kin' Out-Right Dangerous
Ford: First On Recall Day
Ford: F**kin Owner Real Dumb!!
Ford: (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot

Mopar: Most Often Passed At Races
Mopar: Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mopar: Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Mopar: Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars


Wheels


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 23, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2010)

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


----------



## Bucksnort101 (Jul 23, 2010)

Bernhart said:


> Ford-fix or repair daily or found on road dead



Or F$%^'ed Over Road Disaster.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2010)




----------



## BikerBabe (Jul 23, 2010)

Wayne Little said:


> UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
> 
> I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



In that case, I don't understand women either! 

Anyway....


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 23, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 23, 2010)

Nice!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 23, 2010)

*The Pet Monkey*

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. 

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is ed. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

----------------


Wheels


----------



## T Bolt (Jul 23, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 24, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 24, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 24, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 25, 2010)

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of
men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were
all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made
me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one
in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 25, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 25, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 25, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2010)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 25, 2010)

*An old couple*

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s go to a sex therapist's office. 

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' 

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' 

The doctor raises both eyebrows,but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' 

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. 

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. 

This happens several weeks in a row. 

The couple makes an appointment , has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave...

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' 

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. 

The Holiday Inn charges $98, 

The Hilton charges $139, 

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

----------------


Wheels


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 26, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 26, 2010)




----------



## Airframes (Jul 26, 2010)

Good one !


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 26, 2010)

*Fowler:* Inspector Grim, can I have a word please?

*Grim:* Well be quick; don't fanny about.

*Fowler:* Of course.

*Grim:* I've no time for fannying about or otherwise. Fanny about on somebody else's time, not mine, 'cause I 'aven't got any. Find someone who's got time to fanny about and fanny about with them- I 'ave't, mate, so fannying about with me is out.

*Fowler:* Look, Derek, you're clearly late for your lobotomy; I'll come back later. 
*Grim:* If you get in the way, I'm responsible. Your c*ck-up, my ass.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 26, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 26, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 26, 2010)

I 

called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be 

buying.



He said, "Canned goods and 

ammunition."


----------



## gumbyk (Jul 26, 2010)

The assignment in composition class was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his: "Papa fell in the well last week..." he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked his teacher: "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Irving: "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 26, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 27, 2010)

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard, and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was taken aback, but he decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to explain everything about the birds and the bees.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was just looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Could you tell me why you asked me about that?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 27, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2010)




----------



## Loiner (Jul 27, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Jul 27, 2010)

Always be careful with kids...


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 27, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 28, 2010)

25 Truths of Life


1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it ! 
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 
20. There is always one imbecile that you counted on. 
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to nrecognize a mistake when you make it again. 
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.. 
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


----------



## Maestro (Jul 28, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2010)




----------



## T Bolt (Jul 28, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 28, 2010)

Nice!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 29, 2010)

She was soooooooo blonde

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here", she wrote "Sagittarius."

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can, because it said "Concentrate."

She studied for a blood test.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. 

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. 

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport
Left", she turned around and went home.


----------



## Loiner (Jul 29, 2010)

Excellant.

Reminds me of when I was a kid and I was told my cousin had split his head open while playing and his mum had stuck it back down with a sticky plaster. I had an image in my mind that the whole top half of his head had split open away from the lower half, flapping around loosely with brain exposed etc, and it had just been stuck back down with the sticky plaster to hold it all in place. I was shocked that such a serious injury was treated in such a casual way and that it wasn't taken more seriously. It was only years later that I learned that splitting your head open wasn't half as bad as it sounded and was just a minor cut, I was very young at the time.

Also reminds me in my younger days of when my sister was telling me she'd studied the General Strike in history at school. I asked which war he served in and she laughed at me for weeks


----------



## Geedee (Jul 29, 2010)

BORDER PATROL ALERT


The British Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants From Calais to Dover , through the Channel Tunnel. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reasons to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police.


----------



## T Bolt (Jul 29, 2010)

Good one Gary!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 29, 2010)




----------



## Airframes (Jul 29, 2010)

Some good 'uns there ! love the car Gary ... is that your rusty Cypriot ??


----------



## BikerBabe (Jul 29, 2010)

Good one, Gary!  

Here's my contribution for today:


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2010)




----------



## gumbyk (Jul 29, 2010)

aaah, someone else who enjoys the postings at failbook I see. 

Great one!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 29, 2010)

Nice!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 29, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Jul 30, 2010)

Ah, Failbook... Shows human stupidity at its best... or worst, depending on your point of view.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 30, 2010)




----------



## BikerBabe (Jul 30, 2010)

Here's another good Failbook post. 
Ooopsie!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 30, 2010)

..


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 30, 2010)

Hey....I'm not dead!!! May smell like it after spending all day in an attic, running cables, then yard work, but I'm NOT dead!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 30, 2010)

.....am I?


----------



## Maestro (Jul 31, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 31, 2010)

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed,
have you been eating doughnuts?"


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 31, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 31, 2010)

A friend of mine got pulled over and here is how the conversation went.
Officer: License and registration please.
J:Ok.
O:Mr. -------- do you know why I pulled you over?
J: You wanted a kiss?
The officer handed him his license back and left.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 31, 2010)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> A friend of mine got pulled over and here is how the conversation went.
> Officer: License and registration please.
> J:Ok.
> O:Mr. -------- do you know why I pulled you over?
> ...



ROTFLMBO!!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 31, 2010)

LMAO NICE!!!!


----------



## Maestro (Aug 1, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Aug 1, 2010)

A word of phylosophy : If everyone hates you because you are paranoïd... Hey, you no longer are !


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 1, 2010)




----------



## syscom3 (Aug 1, 2010)

> *"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."*





_______________________________________

"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
---------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot )
---------------------------------------------
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost,

Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!
USAF Navi-guesser
--------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
---------------------------------------------
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
---------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
----------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."
---------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "Oh ****!"
--------------------------------------------
" Airspeed, altitude, and brains.
Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
--------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
We never left one up there!"
---------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
---------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "Beats the **** outta me, I just got here myself."


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 1, 2010)

syscom3 said:


> As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "Beats the **** outta me, I just got here myself."



My favorite one!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 1, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Aug 1, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Aug 1, 2010)

On the same note, the most famous expressions (or last words) heard on the road are :

"Where are the brakes ?"
"Oh, sh*t !"
"Hold my beer and watch this..."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 1, 2010)

I thought the 3rd one was only heard in the Southern US!


----------



## Loiner (Aug 2, 2010)

I like this one:

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."

... I could see it being very useful advice to someone like Homer Simpson.


----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2010)

Wife: One more word from you and I will leave you and go back to my mother. 
Husband: Taxi!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: To think that I had to marry you to find out just how stupid you are. 
Husband: You should have realised that when I asked you to marry me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A smart wife will always ask her husband's opinion - after she has made up her mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has a terrible memory - she never forgets anything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought an atlas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each year on his wedding anniversary he goes down to City Hall in the hope that his marriage license has expired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: You have to admit that men have much better judgement than women.
Wife: You're right. You married me and I married you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
Joe: Seen one? I married one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't need to buy an encyclopedia - my wife knows everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Brown: It works!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missing: wife and dog. Reward for dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage - Female going from lipstick to broomstick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy: one wife too many 
Monogamy same thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamist: A man who can have his Kate and Edith too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you miss your ex, reload and try again!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4. 
'Four times!' exclaimed the first woman, why so many?
So the other woman said: 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.'
'Oh my gosh, that's terrible' the first woman said. 
'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.'
'Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!'
'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'
'Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?'
'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.'
'And what does your present husband do for a living?'
'He's a mortician.'
'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?'
'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." 
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." 
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right. 
Everything's all right, go to sleep now." 
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I had affairs with your brother, your best friend and your father." 
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. 
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot beer"? 
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!


----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2010)

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces." 
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" 
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." 
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." 
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" 
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage - a three ring circus: 
engagement ring, 
wedding ring, 
and suffering.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying. 
'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'
Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder. 
'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently. 
The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." 
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".
I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. 
"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled", the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" 
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. 
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, 
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: "Your birthday is coming up, so I'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday."
Wife: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
Husband: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2010)

A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make $100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs, then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?" The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this 555-3724?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known collector of antiques."
His friend replied," Yes I know, I've seen your wife."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" 
His wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running?
Shut up, kid, and hand me another box of shotgun shells.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror, taking a long hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive, to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment, thinking about it, and says in a soft, thoughtful voice. "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." 
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30, at Saint Elmo's memorial Chapel. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr Green: My wife's one in a million.
Mr Brown: Really? I thought she was won in a raffle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs Smith: Don't you think that man over there is the ugliest person you've ever seen?
Mrs Jones: Thats my husband.
Mrs Smith: Oh dear, I'm so sorry.
Mrs Jones: You're sorry. . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
cheer up!" said Alan to his depressed friend, John. "Why don't you drown your sorrows?"
John, a married man with three strapping daughters at home, turned a doleful face towards him and said: 
"No man, that would be murder."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man's on his deathbed with his wife sitting near him. He says "Dear wife, I must confess certain things to you before I die." She says, "Hush now, husband, you're fading fast."
He says, "But this is really important, I must tell you so I can die with a clear conscience! I slept with your best friend, your sister, and your mother!" 
She says, "I know, that's why I poisoned you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hotel Porter: "May I carry your bag sir?"
Hotel Guest: "No that won't be necessary, my wife is perfectly capable of walking."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money...You can borrow it cheaper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The kindest thing I can say about my wife is that her in-laws are a lot nicer than mine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last weekend my credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it because the thief is spending less than my wife does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MABEL: When I'm old and ugly, will you still love me?
PERCY: I do, don't I?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man had a wife who was a terrible cook - she just served frozen food day after day. Eventually the husband went to his doctor and explained his problem. 'And what's the trouble?' asked the doctor. 'Ulcers?' 'No, frostbite.' 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Are you married?'
'No, I've always been round-shouldered.' 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw up his job and go to work in the brewery. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Printed in a newspaper - Hugh and Ruth went to grammar school together and their marriage will stop a romance begun between them there. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Printed in a newspaper - The marriage of Miss Anna Bloch and Mr William Dashwood, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake and we wish to correct it.


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## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2010)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2010)

He is a mental tourist - his mind wanders.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever been to the local zoo?
I mean as a visitor?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She looks even worse than her passport photo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I live by my wits.
Now I know why you look so hungry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course I'm listening to you don't you see me yawning?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have a striking personality. How long has it been on strike?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's all right to be stupid, but you're making a career out of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a self-made man.
We accept your apology.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't you go home and brush up on your ignorance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All foam, no beer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few clowns short of a circus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He thinks everyone worships the ground that he crawled out of.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His death won't be listed in the newspaper under 'Obituaries', it will be under 'Neighborhood Improvements'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let your mind wander. It's not stong enough to be allowed out on its own.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's as much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's a few fries short of a happy meal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's not playing with a full deck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you sure the nurses know you're using the computer?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't you act like a human being or don't you do impersonations?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're outstanding in your field, and that's where you should be - out standing in your field.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd like to help you out - Which way did you come in?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do I need you? About as much as Custer needed more Indians.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If there's nothing to say, I'm sure you'll say it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I want your comments, I'll rattle your cage.


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## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2010)

I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not a steady drinker - my hand shakes too much.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk was brought before the court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two drunks were staggering home one night when they passed the local brewery which was lit up. One said 'It's good to know that no matter how much we drink they are still able to supply enough.'
'Maybe,' said his friend, 'but I see that we have them working nights'. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The drunker I sit here, the longer I get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk! 
Alcoholics go to meetings!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 Tequila
2 Tequila 
3 Tequila 
Floor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Surely you're not going to drive that car," said the policeman, advancing on the motorist who had just staggered out of a bar. 
"Well, offisher, do you think I'm in any condi*tion to walk?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" 
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.
Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a whole. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing. 
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!" 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone has to believe in something
I believe I'll have another beer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the city the other day, when a drunk came up to me and said "for $10 I'll teach you to talk like an Indian! I said "how?" He said, "see, you're learning already".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
The day I well remember
I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
When My knees began to flutter,
So I sat down in the gutter..
When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.
As I was sitting in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
"You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and walked away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 2, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 2, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 2, 2010)




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## Maestro (Aug 3, 2010)




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## Geedee (Aug 3, 2010)

The Way to Inner Peace. 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. 

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. 

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocda, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of a bottel Prozic and Valum priscriptins, the res of the Chesescak and a bax a shocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.


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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 3, 2010)




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## T Bolt (Aug 3, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 3, 2010)

Slack off just a little Gary and I do believe you might live just a little longer.


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 3, 2010)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Aug 3, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!!


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## Wayne Little (Aug 4, 2010)




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## Maestro (Aug 4, 2010)

This is hillarious...

***Warning*** This video could offend a few of you... and it contains coarse language.

George Carlin - Religion is Bullshit from classicstandupfan - Video


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## v2 (Aug 5, 2010)

A blonde walks into a doctors office. She tells her doctor that everywhere she touches, she feels pain. He asks her to show him. 
She pokes her elbow, pain. She pokes her leg, searing pain. The doctor tells her that her finger is broken.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 5, 2010)

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law



today'sTHOT============================

He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 5, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 5, 2010)




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## sabrina (Aug 5, 2010)

Love the Dilbert Principle....explains a lot!!!


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## Lucky13 (Aug 5, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 5, 2010)

RA, I see you found Murphy's website.
http://www.murphys-laws.com/


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## RabidAlien (Aug 5, 2010)

Heh...this one was actually from an email, but that's a great site, too!


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## Maestro (Aug 6, 2010)

An other law you can add to this list :

If you desperately need to find something, it will always be in the place you least expect it to be.
-- Yan Tremblay


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## Wayne Little (Aug 6, 2010)

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website. 

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV ,so how do the plants grow? (UK) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy). A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1966 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


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## sabrina (Aug 6, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 6, 2010)

ROFLMAO!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 6, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 6, 2010)




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## Airframes (Aug 6, 2010)

Brilliant Wayne !


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## Maestro (Aug 7, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 7, 2010)

WE ARE ONE 

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed skeptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day then perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. 

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not
win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 7, 2010)

***************************



I became confused when I heard the word “service” used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue “Service”
Postal “Service”
Telephone “Service”
Cable TV “Service”
Civil “Service”
City, Provincial Public “Service”
Customer “Service”

This is not what I thought “service” meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to “service” his cows.

BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.


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## Gnomey (Aug 7, 2010)




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## Maestro (Aug 8, 2010)




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## B-17engineer (Aug 8, 2010)

Dora the explorer, stop f*cking around and get a GPS.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 8, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 8, 2010)

I lost the trivia contest at the Church social last night by one point.

The last question was: “Where do most women have curly hair?”

Apparently the correct answer is “Africa.”

Also, I've been asked to find another place to worship.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 8, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2010)




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## Maestro (Aug 8, 2010)




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## BikerBabe (Aug 8, 2010)

WayneL: Love the description of Oz - my uncle went Down Under because of "tax problems" many years ago - I guess Adelaide hasn't recovered since then. 









RabidAlien: 

A pic I found online tonight....all I'll say is: Hmmmm!


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 8, 2010)

I recognize that book, it's one of Uncle John's Bathroom Readers.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 9, 2010)

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."


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## Wayne Little (Aug 9, 2010)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 9, 2010)

That's just _mean!_

_“Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly To be fearful of the night”

“It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.”_


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## RabidAlien (Aug 9, 2010)

From an email I got awhile back (note...not intended to be personally offensive towards anyone; these ads are simply representative of the "norm" at that particular time):


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 9, 2010)

Amazing, and not too long ago.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Aug 9, 2010)

Nooo comment. 


Wheels


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## sabrina (Aug 9, 2010)

Lol!!!! During my research I was reading about how members of the Women Airforce Service Pilots, the experimental WWII program, were required to tell their male instructors when their cycles began and ended so that the instructor could record how it affected their performance. The country was petrified that a woman in her period wouldn't be able to fly, or would go on a rampage of sorts, and so made it necessary to divulge your "schedule" to the instructor.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 9, 2010)

"Its that time of the month, sir."

"Ooookeedokee. No loops or rolls today."


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## wheelsup_cavu (Aug 9, 2010)

That's why they only flew unarmed planes. 


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Aug 10, 2010)

My brother in Law sent me this one...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 10, 2010)

Heh. Frikkin lawyers.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 10, 2010)

Yeah..that's what I thought too...


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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2010)

Not surprised! 

Why is it if you send a package by Ship it is called Cargo, and if you send it by Car it is called a Shipment?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
Lawsuits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What an amazing lawyer he was. Once he got a jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull terrier?
A pit bull terrier knows when to stop chasing an ambulance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
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A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and the railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field which the railroad passed through. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. 
After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand." 
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!" 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri? 
Run over a lawyer.
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The highway department came to the scene of the accident where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. They picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer.
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After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked. 
"Grounds for Divorce."
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What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.
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"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" 
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
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Where there's a will, there's a happy Lawyer!
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? 
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. 
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Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? 
A: Retired. 
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Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? 
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. 
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
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A lawyer was driving down a country road when he sees a family in a field eating grass. He pulls over and asks them why they're doing that. One of the people says, "we are so poor we can't afford food". So the lawyer says, "get in my car I'll take you to my house". "Are you sure"? asked one of the people, "there are 6 of us". "Yes, get in the car" said the lawyer. They all got in the car. When they were about to get to the lawyers house one of the people said "this is really great of you" and the lawyer "said no problem I have grass 6 feet tall".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!
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A man went to the Chamber of Commerce in a small town. Obviously distressed, he asked the man at the counter, 'Is there a criminal attorney in town?'
The man replied, 'Yes, but we can't prove it yet.'
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The trouble with the legal profession is that 98 per cent of its members give it a bad name.


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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2010)

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?" 
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As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?" 
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure." 
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Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. 
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." 
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here." 
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A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price. 
The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."
The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.
At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But, as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.
The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.
The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the rat into the water, where they drowned.
The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise." 
The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know -- do you have a brass lawyer in stock?"
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." 
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. 
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. 
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
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At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them."
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Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal.
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An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except for the lawyer who is still passing out business cards."
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There was the cartoon showing two farmers fighting over the ownership of a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail the other was pulling on the horns. 
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
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Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"
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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.
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Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.


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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2010)

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
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"I have good news and bad news," a defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
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A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. "That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've got just one question. Do you have one that's shaped like a lawyer?"
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St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair. So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer replied, "If you want it fixed YOU pay for it!" 
St. Peter replied "The fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think YOU are going to get a lawyer?!"
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A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
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There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
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Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground.
They yelled "Where are we?" 
The man replied "You are in a balloon".
One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a lawyer".
How can you tell?, the two asked.
"It's easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".
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There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow. 
The engineer broke the silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly sorry ..." 
The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. "I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..." 
After they settled down, both the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part I threw in a check for the full $1 million."
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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the path. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.
Tell the District Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
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It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!"
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A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."
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A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farm house near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep overnight while their car was being repaired. "Sure", replied the farmer, "...but I only have two spare beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn." The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door. "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu." So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door: "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a pig in the barn, and I am Jewish." The lawyer said "I know what you're up to, but I'll go", and so the lawyer went out the barn. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door - the cow and the pig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a good example of a missed opportunity? 
A bus-load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat.
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What should you do if you find three lawyers buried up to their neck in cement? 
Run and find some more cement!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the easiest way to get away from a lawyer? 
Buy a faster ambulance.
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What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer? 
By the neck...


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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2010)

What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
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A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
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These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
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A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
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A plumber was called to fix a blocked pipe. He arrived, banged on the pipes for 15 minutes, and said to the homeowner, well that'll be $35. The homeowner said "thirty five dollars!!!!- why thats $140 per hour!! I'm a lawyer and I only make $100 an hour!!" The plumber replies, "yeah, thats what I got when I was a lawyer."
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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" 
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" 
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. 
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? 
A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.
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Last year a group of terrorists hijacked a planeload of lawyers. They said that they'd release one every hour unless their demands were met.
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Once upon a time there was a snake and a rabbit that bumped into each other in the woods. Both were blind. The snake started feeling the rabbit's fur and said, 'You are nice and soft, so you must be a rabbit.' Then the rabbit started feeling the snake and said, 'And you are cold and slithery. You must be a lawyer.'


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 10, 2010)

LMAO


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 10, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2010)




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## Wurger (Aug 10, 2010)

A giraffe and a coyote are drinking water from a small pond in Africa. The day was very hot and all animals needed some water.
Oh boy ...how the water is wonderful cold. ... said the giraffe. Can you feel that coyote? 
Nope ... answered the coyote.
No wonder.. having a such short throat. If you had a neck four metres long like me you would feel that for sure - said the giraffe.
Oh yeah? ...And have you ever been sick? ... asked the coyote.


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 10, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 10, 2010)

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Vulture is courteous enough to wait until you're dead.

*************************************************


A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with
his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've
ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games
out of five."



today'sTHOT============================

Sign in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is
our manure spreader.


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## Geedee (Aug 11, 2010)

(The sketch opens in an aeroplane cockpit. The Captain and the First Officer are whistling idly. They are obviously very bored.)

C: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.

FO: Sky. C: Mm-hm. 

FO I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.

C: Cloud.

FO: Yeah. Oh God, I'm so bored.

C: I'm fed up with that game. Let's play another game. I know what..

FO: What? (The Captain picks up a microphone.)

C: (over intercom) "Hello, this is your Captain speaking. There is absolutely no cause for concern." That'll get them thinking.

(The First Officer reaches for the microphone.)

C: No, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. Let it sink in. They'll be thinking, er, 'What is there no cause for alarm about? Are the wings on fire?' (over intercom) "The wings are not on fire." Now they're thinking, er, 'why should he say that?' So we say.

(The Steward enters.)

FO: Oh, how are we doing?

S: (looks down the aisle) They've stopped eating; Looking a bit worried...

C: Good.

S: Hang on, one of them is going to the washroom.

C: Is he there yet?

S: He's just closing the door... NOW!

C: One... Two... Three..

FO: (over intercom) "Please return to your seats and fasten your seat-belts immediately."

S: Yes... here he comes, going up the aisle like the clappers. I'll do the worried walk now. (He leaves.)

FO: Right. Safety regulations.

C: (agreeing) Safety regulations.

FO: (over intercom) "Please listen carefully. I want you, I want to remind you of some of the safety regulations. In the case of emergency it is vitally important to..." (The Captain makes a radio-static type noise.)

FO: "as the warning buzzer sounds."

C: "Bzzzz" (They both laugh.)

C: Oh, that's got them rattled.

S: (enters) Great, great! (exit) 

C: Hey, I've got an idea! "Hello, you will find your life-jackets under your seats."

FO: No, they're on the racks.

C: Shshh, let them scrabble a bit. "I'm sorry, you will find them on the racks above your heads."

FO: Aaah!

S: (back again) Great, great, that was marvellous!

FO: Right. Gobbledegook.

C: Oh, yes.

FO "The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange. Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency photoscamps on the back of the seats in front of you."

S: (looks out) Marvellous, milling about, climbing over the seats.

FO: "Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back and release it..."

C: "but do not unfasten your safety belts."

S: That got them back to their seats.

FO: "The emergency sprill MUST be released..."

C: "but do not leave your seats."

FO: "Do not panic."

C: "Tea will now be served."

FO: "Inflate your life-jackets"

C: "and extinguish all cigarettes."

FO: "Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft."

C: "Except for hand luggage..."

FO: "which you should sit on." (They are in fits of laughter.)

C: Now have a look.

S: (looks) Hang on... hang on... they've all jumped out! (They laugh, pointing downwards and looking out of the windows. After a while the laughter dies away. There is a lengthy pause.) 

C: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some trouble about this. 

(They burst out laughing again. The sketch ends.)


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 11, 2010)

!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 11, 2010)

Heh....ya think the FAA might notice?


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## Wayne Little (Aug 11, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Aug 11, 2010)

And now something complety non-PC...
_________________________________________________

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said...

'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' 
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'


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## Maestro (Aug 12, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 12, 2010)




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## Loiner (Aug 12, 2010)

Excellant.


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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 12, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 13, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2010)

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father! and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."


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## Maestro (Aug 13, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 13, 2010)




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## Colin1 (Aug 13, 2010)

A customer in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. 

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it. 

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, "Some a$$hole out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce..." 

As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he adds, "...and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." 

The manager approves the deal, and the man went on his way. 

Later the manager says to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who think on their feet here; where are you from, son?" 

"Canada, sir," the boy replies. 

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asks. 

The boy says, "Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there." 

"Really?" replies the manager. "My wife is from Canada." 

"No $h!t?" replies the boy "Who’d she play for?"


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 13, 2010)

NICE!


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 13, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 13, 2010)




----------



## B-17engineer (Aug 14, 2010)

Hilarious


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6j_13-qzDY_


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## Maestro (Aug 14, 2010)

Colin1 said:


> A customer in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
> 
> The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.
> 
> ...


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## Wayne Little (Aug 14, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2010)




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## sabrina (Aug 15, 2010)

Now that's smooth.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 15, 2010)

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in dis-gust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 15, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 15, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 16, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2010)

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym? 
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me, I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" ! to have "S" in it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts Of God?


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## T Bolt (Aug 17, 2010)

A lot of real good ones in there Wayne!


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 17, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2010)




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## Airframes (Aug 17, 2010)

Nice ones Wayne!
If Teflon is non stick, how come it sticks to pans?
What were Barn Owls called before barns were invented?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
What does an occasional table do the rest of the time?


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## Wayne Little (Aug 18, 2010)

Nice additions Terry!


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## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2010)

Yep,


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## Wayne Little (Aug 19, 2010)

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!".

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?".

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 19, 2010)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 19, 2010)




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## Njaco (Aug 19, 2010)

actual answers to GED test questions....

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!) 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant) 

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


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## RabidAlien (Aug 19, 2010)




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## Maestro (Aug 20, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 20, 2010)

excellent ...


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## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 21, 2010)

I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard in the bar? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman on our road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 21, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 21, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 21, 2010)

LMAO!


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## Njaco (Aug 21, 2010)

oh, snap!!!


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## Maestro (Aug 22, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 22, 2010)

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house in Luton:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten pounds."
The bloke says, 'This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a f*ckin' liar. He's never done any of that stuff."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 22, 2010)

Never trust a talking dog.


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## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2010)




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## Geedee (Aug 23, 2010)

Hurrah !!!!!!

My new computer arrived today.....


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## Maestro (Aug 23, 2010)




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## Wurger (Aug 23, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 23, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 23, 2010)

Nice!

The thing plays music too???????


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## Wayne Little (Aug 24, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 24, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2010)

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of business men who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"


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## Maestro (Aug 25, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 25, 2010)

LMAO!


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## mikewint (Aug 25, 2010)

Since this is an aviation site, I thought you might enjoy this:
Two men meet in a bar atop the John Hancock tower in Chicago. After a few drinks one turns to the other and says, “You know, there are some very powerful air currents around these tall buildings. I found that at the base of this building in the NW corner there is a massive updraft so powerful it will stop a falling body and allow it to land safely on the sidewalk.” The second man replied, “that’s baloney, I don’t believe it for a second.” The first man replied, “OK, follow me and I’ll show you.”
The two med climb to the top of the tower and the first simply steps off. He falls like a rock, faster and faster until he is about 25 feet from the sidewalk. He slows down, and simply put his feet down on the sidewalk.
Back in the bar, the second man turns to the first and says, “that is the most unbelievable thing I’ve ever seen. I still don’t believe it.” The first replies, “OK, let’s try it again.” They climb back to the top of the tower where the first man steps off the edge, falls, hovers, and steps to the sidewalk.
Back at the bar, the second turns to the first and says, “Amazing, I have to try that.” They climb back to the top of the tower where the second man steps off the edge. He falls like a rock until SPLAT… he lands 5ft under the sidewalk.
The first man returns to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender brings the drink and says, “You know Superman, sometimes you’re a real jerk!”


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## RabidAlien (Aug 25, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2010)




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## Maestro (Aug 26, 2010)

As I thought the Muppets were dead, I just found this...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7UmUX68KtE_


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 26, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 27, 2010)




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## mikewint (Aug 27, 2010)

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed.

After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he whispered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy whispered, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

The next report from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the chorus echoed down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Suddenly Grumpy heard something, looked around and from his vantage point saw someone approaching through the woods so he warned, "Someone's coming!!!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."


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## Gnomey (Aug 27, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 27, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 27, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 27, 2010)




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## Maestro (Aug 28, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 28, 2010)

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local 
church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the 
man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and 
asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no 
need to confess that." 

"It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. 
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"


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## RabidAlien (Aug 28, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2010)




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## mikewint (Aug 28, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 29, 2010)

LMAO


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## Wurger (Aug 29, 2010)

A question what it is .. it is black and very spiteful , it has six legs and runs all around a forest ?

The answer .... a SS-man riding a small black horse and looking for partisans.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 29, 2010)

A middle aged women decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. 

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how 
old do you think I am?" 

"About 32," was the reply."I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. 
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." 
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She 
stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. 
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." 
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." 
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. 
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead!" 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" 
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how did you know?" 
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


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## Wurger (Aug 29, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 29, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 29, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 29, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 29, 2010)

Got this in a E-mail today:
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over 
> twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 
> 'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing 
> the 
> tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it 
> couldn't 
> have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the 
> nurse 
> started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she 
> was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so 
> sorry,' 
> she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a 
> lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be 
> the 
> problem?' 
> 'It's swollen,' Fred replied. 
> She ran out of the room. 
> 
> --


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## mikewint (Aug 29, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 30, 2010)




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## T Bolt (Aug 30, 2010)




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## mikewint (Aug 30, 2010)

The Deer Hunt

1:00 am - Alarm clock rings 
2:00 am - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed 
2:30 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up 
3:00 am - Leave for the deep woods 
3:15 am - Back home to pick up gun 
3:30 am - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent 
4:00 am - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight 
4:30 am - Set up camp 
6:05 am - Head for the woods 
6:06 am - See eight deer 
6:07 am - Take aim and squeeze the trigger 
6:08 am - CLICK 
8:00 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill 
9:00 am - Head back to camp 
12:00 NOON - Fire gun for help--eat wild berries 
12:15 pm - Run out of bullets--eight deer come back 
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach 
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries 
12:45 pm - Rescued 
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped 
3:00 pm - Arrive back at camp 
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer 
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets 
4:01 pm - Load gun--Leave camp again 
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you 
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp 
6:01 pm - Load gun 
6:02 pm - Fire gun 
6:03 pm - One dead pick-up 
6:05 pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer 
6:06 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner 
6:07 pm - Fall into fire 
6:10 pm - Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire 
6:15 pm - Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp 
6:25 pm - Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block 
6:26 pm - Start walking 
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud 
6:35 pm - Meet bear 
6:36 pm - Take aim 
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud 
6:38 pm - Mess pants 
6:39 pm - Climb tree 
9:00 pm - Bear leaves. Wrap *$%[email protected]#$% gun around tree 

Midnight - Home at last


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 30, 2010)

LMAO


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 30, 2010)




----------



## BikerBabe (Aug 30, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 30, 2010)

Good thing I wasn't drinking anything, Maria! Thanks...needed a good laugh!


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## mikewint (Aug 30, 2010)

always thought that was a funny name


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 30, 2010)

ROFLMAO!


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 31, 2010)




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## BikerBabe (Aug 31, 2010)

I just thought that the joke fitted this forum nicely. 
Here's a few other ones:


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## mikewint (Aug 31, 2010)

*Command Reduction Of Army Personnel (C.R.A.P.)*
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our *Special High **Intensity Training *(****) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of **** our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more **** than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough ****, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 31, 2010)

and so true!


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## mikewint (Aug 31, 2010)

viking, guess you been there too


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## RabidAlien (Aug 31, 2010)

Maria: had to laugh at the first, and agreed with Vader on his. 

Mike: Half of me is laughing, half is crying....not sure which is which at the moment!


----------



## T Bolt (Aug 31, 2010)

Maria's cartoon reminded me of a joke my dad told me that I hadn't thought about in years. Dad was a top turret gunner in B-24s in the 490th Bomb Group 8th Airforce before they converted to B-17s I tell you this because he said this joke was going around at the time.

At an U.S.Army Airforce base in England, at a debriefing after a mission over German a waist gunner with a very heavy German accent is telling about his encounter with German fighters "One Foke came in and I hit him and he turned over smoking an vent straight down". The debriefing officer wrote something down "So you're claiming one FW-190 destroyed." The gunner became agitated "Nein!.. Nein!!..... The Foke was flying a Messerschmitt!!!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 31, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 1, 2010)

THE JOB TEST

To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

ART:
Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.

ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.

EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

MEDICINE:
Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.

PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.

GOVERNMENT:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.

SOCIOLOGY:
If you were an extinct society, what would you do?

PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.

EXTRA CREDIT:
Define the universe; give three examples.



today'sTHOT============================

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.


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## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 1, 2010)

I need more time.....!!!!!


----------



## ToughOmbre (Sep 1, 2010)

*A Horse, A Chicken A Harley..... *

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. 

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. 

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! 

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. 

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. 

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. 

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! 

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. 

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! 

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. 

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. 

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, 
saving his life. 

The moral of the story???






*When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!*

TO


----------



## beaupower32 (Sep 1, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 1, 2010)

RabidA, remember the old army acronym BOHICA


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## RabidAlien (Sep 1, 2010)

Heh...not familiar with that acronym, Mike, but I'm thinkin 'bout saving this for my daughter's prospective dates.


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## mikewint (Sep 1, 2010)

Bend Over Here It Comes Again
i used to answer the door with a shotgun. i also used to let the kid know that i just got out of prison and had no problem going back. Plus she had two older brothers


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 1, 2010)

Good ones guys, keep'em coming!!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 1, 2010)

LMAO


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 2, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 2, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Sep 2, 2010)

excellent and excellent RA


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 2, 2010)

LMAO, NICE!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 2, 2010)

Not funny just well different.

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship
and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments
of manure were quite common. 



It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but
once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of
fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the
stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. 
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night
with a lantern, BOOOOM! 





Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was
happening 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow
high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off
the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this
volatile cargo and start the production of methane. 






Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down
through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 

You probably did not know the true history of this word. 

Neither did I. 

I had always thought it was a golf term.


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## mikewint (Sep 2, 2010)

see now you missed my post, it's really an army acronym Special High Intensity Training and we got more of it than any other service


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 2, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 2, 2010)

Either way works!

Mike, are you familiar with the acronym "PAPERCLIP"?


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 3, 2010)

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "put a new battery in your hearing aid!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 3, 2010)




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## Bernhart (Sep 3, 2010)

term we use in the hospital alot BOHICA- bend over here it comes again.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 4, 2010)

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of
the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up.
Where's the f*cking ship?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 4, 2010)

Good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the moment! That was frikkkin hilarious!!! 

Mike: PAPERCLIP=People Against People Ever Reenlisting, Civilian Life Is Preferred


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## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 4, 2010)

Good one Wayne!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 5, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 5, 2010)

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. 

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" 

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." 

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" 

She replied, "No, not yet, Father." 

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." 

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. 

Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" 

She replied, "Oh, very well Father." 

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" 

She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all." 

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" 

She replied, "E's gone to Rome, Father, to blow out yer fookin' candle."


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 5, 2010)

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 5, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 5, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 6, 2010)

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember, Oh....I remember alright!"


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## RabidAlien (Sep 6, 2010)

The best revenge a person can have on their kids.....being a grandparent.


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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2010)

Yep.


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## mikewint (Sep 6, 2010)

been out on the boat in the middle of the lake for three days so to all of you: great jokes.
to catch up: RA, Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up or YMRA SU
and The best revenge on your children is to live long enough to be a burden


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## mikewint (Sep 6, 2010)

*UCLA Study*
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be 
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed 
up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 6, 2010)

Ain't that the truth.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 7, 2010)




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## Deacon (Sep 7, 2010)

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and 
was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near 
death experience.. Seeing God 
she asked "Is my time up?"


God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 
2 months and 8 days to live." 
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in 
the hospital and have a 
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a 
tummy tuck. 
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and 
brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time 
to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was released 
from the hospital. While crossing 
the street on her way home, she was killed 
by an ambulance. 


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I 
thought you said I had another 43 years? 
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" 


God replied: "****! I didn't recognize you.


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## mikewint (Sep 7, 2010)

good one


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 7, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 7, 2010)

LMAO!


----------



## mikewint (Sep 7, 2010)

for all you pilots


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 7, 2010)

Bill Gates is now designing aircraft I see.


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2010)

Some of the artists of the '60s '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again





today'sTHOT============================

If crime doesn't pay, does that mean my job is a crime?


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## Wayne Little (Sep 8, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 8, 2010)

some of those groups are still touring, sponsored by geritol and metamucil


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## Gnomey (Sep 8, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2010)

The other day I was standing there, watching the sun rise....and that's when it dawned on me.





I'll get me hat.


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 8, 2010)

LMAO

It took a second.


----------



## mikewint (Sep 8, 2010)

viking, like RA observed, some times the dawn takes a while. it also helps to stand taller


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 9, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 9, 2010)

Funny....yet, sadly true, all at the same time.


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## mikewint (Sep 9, 2010)

RA, my brother, you have a big hammer and it nails the nail dead square on


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 9, 2010)

A-Fricken-Men!


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 9, 2010)

some more (Cap'n Obvious strikes again!)


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 10, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Sep 10, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 10, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 10, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 10, 2010)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 11, 2010)

A teacher tried to explain the “gender of things“ concept (masculine and feminine) to her class. For example, the teacher pointed out that hurricanes, ships and aircraft are called “she”. 

One of the students asked what gender a computer has, and the teacher decided that to solve this, the class would be divided into two groups – one with the boys and one with the girls. The assignment was to give computers a gender and motivate why. 



The girls thought that computers are male, because: 

1.They know a lot, but rarely know how to use their talent without been given instructions. 
2.They are supposed to help you solving your problems, but haft of the time they are the problem. 
3.To get their attention, you have to turn them on. 
4.As soon as you have got one, you realize that if you just had waited a little longer you could have found a better model. 

The boys on the other hand thought that computers are female, because 

1.None except their “creator” could understand their built-in logic 
2.The language that one computer uses to communicate to another computer is incomprehensible to anyone that is not a computer. 
3.The slightest mistake that you make is stored in the long-time memory and will surely cause problems in the future. 
4.As soon as you have settled for one, you will have to spend half you paycheck on more or less useful accessories.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 11, 2010)

Guys win.


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 11, 2010)

Yep.


----------



## Airframes (Sep 11, 2010)

Agreed !


----------



## mikewint (Sep 11, 2010)

and we are not prejudiced one bit, no siree


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## mikewint (Sep 11, 2010)

sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is 
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to 
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new 
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when 
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE 
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate 
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 11, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 11, 2010)

A-frikkin-men!!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 11, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 12, 2010)

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Thornhill man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

Police suspect a cereal killer


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 12, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 12, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Sep 12, 2010)

great pun wayne

as always on the money RA


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 12, 2010)




----------



## Night Fighter Nut (Sep 12, 2010)

Now that Autumn is here, the bears will be eating much more than usual to build up fat for the long winter. The National Forestry Service has issued the following precautions to hikers during this season. 

Hikers please beware that bears may be in the area. Since bears usually try to avoid any human contact it is best to warn them that you are coming. A surprised bear may attack you. As a precaution you are encouraged to wear little bells with your equipment. This way you will not startle the bear and give it time to wander away. You are also encouraged to carry a whistle so that should you encounter a bear you need only to blow it. Bears do not like the high trilling noises and will usually leave you alone when blowing it. However, you must avoid any area where there may be Grizzly bears. The best way to tell if there are any Grizzlies in your area is to look for bear feces. Normal bear feces may have bits of nuts and vegetable matter. Grizzly feces usually contain little bells...


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 12, 2010)

LMAO!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 12, 2010)




----------



## Geedee (Sep 13, 2010)

Someone 
had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading toward 70! 

1.Kidnappers are not very i nterested in you.

2.In a hostage situation, You are likely to be Released first. 

3.No one expects You to run -- Anywhere.

4.People call at 9 PM Or AM And ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5.People no longer View you as a Hypochondriac.

6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.Things you buy now Won't wear out..

8.You can eat supper at 4 PM..

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

12.You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 

15.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

16.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

17.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 

18.You can't remember who sent you this list.. 

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience. 


ONE MORE THING:


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 13, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Sep 13, 2010)

well now maybe you young whippersnappers think that's funny but..............


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2010)




----------



## Catch22 (Sep 13, 2010)

This is a bit long:

Canada eh?!



TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math. 
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown. 
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations. 
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 
5. Weed. 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big rock between you and B.C. 
2. Ottawa who? 
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the 
country. 
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own
country. 
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups. 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat. 
2. Your province is really easy to draw. 
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 
4. People will assume you live on a farm. 
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that! 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront 
property.. 
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes. 
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 
4.. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood. 
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe. 
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable. 
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English-speaking

neighbour will move out next. 
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada ... 
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"? 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK


1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income. 
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ... 
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA


1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can't, think they can. 
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and
wear a kilt. 
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money. 


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the 
big, new bridge. 
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour. 
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes. 
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea." 
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.. 
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea. 
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse. 
3. The workday is about two hours long. 
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.


----------



## Catch22 (Sep 13, 2010)

And another one:

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart: 

50 Fahrenheit (10 C) 
Californians shiver uncontrollably. 
Canadians plant gardens. 

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) 
Italian Cars won't start 
Canadians drive with the windows down 

32 Fahrenheit (0 C) 
American water freezes 
Canadian water gets thicker. 

0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C) 
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. 
Canadians have the last cookout of the season. 

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) 
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. 
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. 

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) 
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. 
Canadians pull down their earflaps. 

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) 
Ethyl alcohol freezes. 
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg 

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C) 
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. 
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" 

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) 
Hell freezes over. 
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup


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## RabidAlien (Sep 13, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!!

Reminds me of the tale behind Canada's name. Word has it, the founding fathers of Canada got together at the tavern one day (when the snow melted enough for them to see the roof), and got into an argument on what to name their new country. "New England, eh" said one. "New France, eh," bellowed another (he was quickly pummeled into silence). "Not-America, eh" yelled another. This went on and on and on for hours, until finally, in a fit of frustration, it was proposed that they would simply draw random letters out of a hat, and the resulting word would be the name of the new country. Enough beer, and this sounded like a good idea, eh, so everyone agreed. Another hour went by as the appropriate style of headgear was debated (and then found), and they got down to it. A hush fell across the tavern as the first letter was drawn out of the hat: "C, eh!" 

And thus, the proud name of "C-eh-N-eh-D-eh" was born.



::runs for cover. eh.::


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## RabidAlien (Sep 14, 2010)

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner..."

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for."

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"





today'sTHOT============================

It's better to tell your money where to go than to ask where it went.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 14, 2010)

stupid double-posts...


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## Wayne Little (Sep 14, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 14, 2010)

LMAO, Love them all!


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## Gnomey (Sep 14, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 14, 2010)

especially #2 thought is was going to be superman coming up


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## BikerBabe (Sep 15, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 15, 2010)

excellent i love the ass one, how true, true, true


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 15, 2010)

LMAO, nice Maria.


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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 15, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 16, 2010)

Excellent Maria!


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## mikewint (Sep 16, 2010)

Rednecks, ya gotta love 'em


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 16, 2010)

Either one of those photos could have been taken in my neck of the woods.


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## mikewint (Sep 16, 2010)

been in the appalachians, some areas are very beautiful and then the coal minings areas are horrible. even here in the flatlands be have our enclaves where the folk go to a family outing to get a date


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## mikewint (Sep 17, 2010)

and you don't even have to make stuff up


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 18, 2010)

Now that's classy!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 18, 2010)

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Wine her
Dine her
Call her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Encourage her
Believe in her
Pray with her
Pray for her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked
Bring food
Don't block the TV


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 18, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2010)

Date Rape Drug Warning

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them.

Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.

Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more sus! ceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."


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## mikewint (Sep 20, 2010)

excellent to all


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## Airframes (Sep 20, 2010)

Great stuff !
Said...er... a friend of mine "Never yet gone to bed with an ugly woman. I've woken up next to a couple, but ....."


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## RabidAlien (Sep 20, 2010)

Hah! Poor suckers got conned into tha......wait....<<glances at 4th finger on left hand>> DAMMIT!!!!!




************************************


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 20, 2010)

Nice!


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## mikewint (Sep 20, 2010)

if only


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## Wayne Little (Sep 21, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 21, 2010)

remember the earlier couple, wedding photo


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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2010)

Dublin Airport advert for car parking...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 21, 2010)




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## Colin1 (Sep 21, 2010)

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a gorgeous blonde woman and a fat old lady.

After a while the train passes through a dark tunnel when the unmistakeable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought "That French scoundrel wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat old lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The fat old lady thought "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on that poor blonde girl and she slapped him".

The Frenchman thought "Zees f*cking Englishman put ees hand on zat blonde and by un mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought "Please, another tunnel so I can smack that French twat again"


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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 21, 2010)

Gotta love tunnels!


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## mikewint (Sep 21, 2010)

been to paris, i fully understand


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## mikewint (Sep 21, 2010)

guys, i'm still on rednecks, the happy couple bought a condo-


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## Loiner (Sep 22, 2010)

Excellant. A high rise trailor park, now I've seen it all!!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 22, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 22, 2010)

You better hope the tornados don't find that place.


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## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2010)

Oh yeah, but then it would be a needed case of natural selection


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## BikerBabe (Sep 22, 2010)




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## Maestro (Sep 23, 2010)

I can't believe that advertisement is aired in the UK... I'm pretty sure that kind of ad wouldn't make it on American/Canadian TV. But this one is pretty funny, so what the hell...

***WARNING** Graphic content.*

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvFSgXpyhoM_


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## RabidAlien (Sep 23, 2010)

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"




today'sTHOT============================

I love poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 23, 2010)




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## Loiner (Sep 23, 2010)

=D>


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## Loiner (Sep 23, 2010)

On a similar theme to living the high life on the cheap, further to the glamorous high rise trailor park pictured above, I recall fantastic limo's found serving in newly post Cold War Russia (once featured on UK's top car show Top Gear) ..






.. a stretched Lada Riva, fantastic .


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## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 23, 2010)

No Ruskies can top my rednecks!


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## mikewint (Sep 23, 2010)

and for those nice open-air days


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## Airframes (Sep 23, 2010)

How the h*ll does that bike get around corners?!!!


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## mikewint (Sep 23, 2010)

V E R Y S L O W L Y..........

though this one has a sidecar


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 23, 2010)

Who says beer cannot drive creativity!


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## mikewint (Sep 23, 2010)

rednecks. . . .moonshine too


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## beaupower32 (Sep 23, 2010)

I thought this was funny!


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 23, 2010)

LMAO!


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## Airframes (Sep 23, 2010)

Nice ! Love that last bike, and is that an Allison V-12 powering it?!!


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## mikewint (Sep 24, 2010)

it needs it, it weighs almost 5 tons


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## Wayne Little (Sep 24, 2010)

Top Ten Inventions By Blondes

- The water proof towel
- Solar powered flash light
- Submarine screen door
- A book on how to read
- Inflatable dart board
- A dictionary index
- Pedal powered wheel chair
- Water proof tea bags


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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 24, 2010)

this one's for you viking


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## RabidAlien (Sep 24, 2010)

Great. I'm no longer hungry. I mean, seriously, who mixes dark socks with bright-colored clothes?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 24, 2010)

Mike,..............I'm scarred for life man! I thought sagging boobs were bad but........DAMN!!!!!!!!!


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## mikewint (Sep 24, 2010)

Aaron, just think RA only saw the socks


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 24, 2010)

He was the lucky one.


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## mikewint (Sep 24, 2010)

never thought of it in those terms but i guess you're correct, now where's that viking man, i need to scar him too


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 24, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 25, 2010)

RA's braincell has, for some reason, plastered a very large **CENSORED** logo across the vast bulk of that image, for some incredibly large purpose, no doubt. I shall be roundly grateful, considering some of the enormous replies from others of the forum.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 25, 2010)

Strewth Mike...I was going to bed...need to stay up a while longer now...


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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2010)

That is just too horrible for words to describe...


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## Airframes (Sep 25, 2010)

That even beats the sight of a Hippocroccofrog - and that takes some doing !!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 25, 2010)

Some time off...

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde..it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb." A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going. 

"I can't work in the dark," she said.


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## RabidAlien (Sep 25, 2010)

Blonde, my arse! That was a brilliant reply!!!!


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 25, 2010)




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## Maestro (Sep 26, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 26, 2010)

The Lord came to Noah, in Canada, in the year 2004. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry.... in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard.... and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!

I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space.

Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder."You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.

"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"


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## RabidAlien (Sep 26, 2010)

Funny....yet sadly true, when you think about it.


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## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 26, 2010)

the scariest thing in the world: a man from the government stating that he is here to help you


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 26, 2010)

.


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## mikewint (Sep 26, 2010)

in vietnam, the army brought in beer by the truck load and hard stuff too. jack d was better than money. now i hear alcohol is a no-no and a DUI is career ending


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## Maestro (Sep 26, 2010)

Achmed the Dead Terrorist trying to "survive" USMC basic training...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udgMF3au5Wo_


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## Maestro (Sep 27, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 27, 2010)

LMAO


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## mikewint (Sep 27, 2010)

gives the phrase:Speed Radar enforced" a whole new meaning


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## Geedee (Sep 28, 2010)

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. 

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 28, 2010)

BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 28, 2010)




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## mikewint (Sep 28, 2010)

great story


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## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 29, 2010)

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

" You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

" Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 29, 2010)

LMAO


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## mikewint (Sep 29, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2010)




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## Airframes (Sep 29, 2010)

Good ones !


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## RabidAlien (Sep 29, 2010)




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## Maestro (Sep 30, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 30, 2010)

Corallaries to Murphy's Law 

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends....if they're ok, you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 

12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

13. You can't fall off the floor.

14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


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## mikewint (Sep 30, 2010)

great wayne, i've heard one or two of those under Murphy's laws but great list


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 30, 2010)

LMAO


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## Colin1 (Sep 30, 2010)

Billy-bawb bumps into Nestor down at the local bar
"Wassup Billy-bawb" greets Nestor
"Awww sheeyit"exclaims Billy-bawb "You don't gonna believe what jes' happen ter me"
"OK" replies Nestor, a little confused "...what jes' happen to yer?"
"Well" recounts Billy-bawb "I wuz layin awn ma bed, jes' pullin th'old fella, t'pass the time till ah have ter feed the pigs, when in comes grandmaw"
"Awww sheeyit" sympathises Nestor "whad she say?"
"Say?" replies Billy-bawb "nuthin, she only done gone and had a stroke"
"Aww sweet Jeezuz Billy-bawb, is she OK?"
"Aww, she's fine Nestor, but ah never realised she had such soft hands.."


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## RabidAlien (Sep 30, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Sep 30, 2010)

ah yes, family reunions to get a date, it's a wonder they still have thumbs


----------



## Loiner (Oct 1, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 1, 2010)

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…


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## Gnomey (Oct 1, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 1, 2010)

ROFLMAO!


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## mikewint (Oct 1, 2010)

women, who can figure them out, think she'd at least give you a helping hand


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## Airframes (Oct 1, 2010)

The Seven Dwarfs are on holiday in Rome (Snow White had a photo shoot in Florida), when Dopey bursts into the hotel bar, with a big grin on his face, and announces he's just made it with a Nun.
"A Nun!?!" the other six dwarves exclaim in surprise.
"Yup!" replies Dopey, proudly.
"How'd you manage that?" asks Grumpy, "You're only three feet tall!"
"So was she". Replies Dopey.
"Hmm. Sounds a bit of a story to me, I'll check it out tomorrow" Grumpy replies.
Sure enough, Grumpy visits the local Church the next day, seeks out the Priest, and asks him the question.
"Father, are there any three feet tall Nuns in Rome?"
"My son, I do notta thinka so!" replies Father Giaconelli. "There are strict height requirements for all Nuns serving the Faith in Rome".
"Any three feet tall Nuns in Italy at all then?" asks Grumpy.
"Ah, my son, thatta I notta sure about. Maybe you aska at the offices in da Vatican, Si?"
"OK, thanks". Grumpy replied, and made his way to the Vatican. On arrival, he asks the same question at the main enquiries office. The clerk there is unsure, so calls a Cardinal.
The Cardinal, sure there are no three feet tall Nuns in Rome, is not so sure about three feet tall Nuns in the rest of Italy. For all he knows, there might be a visiting Nun, from anywhere in the World.
The Cardinal decides to escort Grumpy to a special Audience with the Pope.
Grumpy asks the same questions of the Pontif.
The Pope looks down on Grumpy from his throne, and replies, "My son, I can assure you, there are no three feet tall Nuns in Rome, in Italy, or anywhere in the World. I would know if there were".
"Thank you, your Holiness." Grumpy replies, bows, and leaves.
Grumpy is escorted to the main entrance of the Vatican, and, as he descends the steps, he sees the rest of the dwarves gathered expectantly below him.
With an uncharacteristic smile, Grumpy looks at his friends and just shakes his head.
The other dwarves burst into laughter, then all turn to Dopey and sing in unison "Dopey had a penguin, Dopey had a Penguin!!"


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 1, 2010)

LMAO


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## evangilder (Oct 2, 2010)

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”


“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”


“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”


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## Wayne Little (Oct 2, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 2, 2010)

Buy that man a beer!


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## Gnomey (Oct 2, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Oct 2, 2010)

Now that is better than excellent


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 2, 2010)

LNAO Nice!!


I've never heard of Mitchell and Web, but thy are pretty funny!


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEle_DLDg9Y_


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## v2 (Oct 3, 2010)

After all this time... we all thought it was impossible, but it seems they've found it:

*The formula to understand women!*


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 3, 2010)

So I guess I'll never understand women.


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## RabidAlien (Oct 3, 2010)

Ah, crap!!! All this time, I've been carrying the 2!!!!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 3, 2010)

Just got this in my mail.

Subject: Always Wanted To Know







This may be a repeat--but--what the heck??








If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)





The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.... ...)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing) 


A cat's urine glows under a black light..
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
(Do the dolphins know about the pig?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy
facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a
chuckle.


In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!)


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## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2010)




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## mikewint (Oct 3, 2010)

v2, tried that years ago, doesn't work whether you carry the two or not
Aaron, saw that a few years back but it is still great


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 4, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 4, 2010)

mikewint said:


> v2, tried that years ago, doesn't work whether you carry the two or not
> Aaron, saw that a few years back but it is still great



Yeah, you carry two women and you will definitely have problems.


----------



## mikewint (Oct 4, 2010)

a few times in Vietnam but i was 23 then and they were tiny 4'10" or so


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 4, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 5, 2010)

HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Clean up mess.

18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.




today'sTHOT============================

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 5, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2010)




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## tail end charlie (Oct 5, 2010)

University boffins were discussing why a mans organ had a helmet at the tip. Oxford university concluded it was to give the woman greater pleasure. Cambridge university concluded it was to give the man greater pleasure. Glasgow university concluded it was to stop the mans hand from slipping off.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 6, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 6, 2010)

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so

advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and

in 6 weeks he is looking for work."





The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany

we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's

head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."





A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out

half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in

2 weeks he is looking for work."





The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you

are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no

brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President

of the United States , and now.......the whole country is looking for

work !!!"


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## mikewint (Oct 6, 2010)

ABW, surely you do not speak ill of our noble commander-in-chief 
Rabid, very nice  now i know why Darth needed that breathing mask


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 6, 2010)

Who.........me.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 7, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 7, 2010)

Nice...........


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 8, 2010)

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just make frequent stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. 

Then a man at the back of the room raised his hand.

"Yes," answered the Instructor.

"Would be OK if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught......


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## Wayne Little (Oct 8, 2010)




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## mikewint (Oct 8, 2010)

oh i don't know, sounds like a good way to exercise both the upper and lower body to me


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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 8, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 8, 2010)

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."


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## RabidAlien (Oct 8, 2010)

**************************************


----------



## Maestro (Oct 9, 2010)

I won't even say the punch line that came to my mind...


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 9, 2010)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" 
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
"You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 9, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 10, 2010)

..


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 10, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 11, 2010)

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Acute Anal Glaucoma," she says in a very weak voice.

Her boss pauses then asks, "What the hell is Acute Anal Glaucoma?"

"Well, I just can't see my ass coming into work today."


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 11, 2010)

Heh....I've used that one before. Doesn't work when your boss is pretty sharp. Dangit.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 12, 2010)

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Ted loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Bob picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news to Ted's wife.
They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Bob goes over to Ted's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Bob declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Bob.


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## Airframes (Oct 12, 2010)

Love it !


----------



## mikewint (Oct 12, 2010)

RA, excellent as always
Wayne, also excellent, i love the eggs story


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 12, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 12, 2010)

LMAO, that's hysterical!


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 12, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 13, 2010)

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him, aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"






today'sTHOT============================

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 13, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 15, 2010)

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money,and was a real miser when it came to his money. 

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take All my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money
to the afterlife with me." 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. 

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. 

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with
her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. 

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. 

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't crazy enough to put all that
money in there with your husband." 

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back
on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket
with him." 

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?" 

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it!"


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2010)




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## mikewint (Oct 15, 2010)

Onassis's Axiom - If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.


----------



## timshatz (Oct 15, 2010)

mikewint said:


> Onassis's Axiom - If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.



That's friggin' brilliant! True too!


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 16, 2010)

Damn right....


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## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2010)

Damn straight


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## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2010)

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. 

Everyone agreed that was very good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, made love to the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workman's Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 17, 2010)

LMAO


----------



## Wurger (Oct 17, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Oct 17, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 17, 2010)




----------



## CliffyB (Oct 18, 2010)

Here's one for the Brits:



> A Nimrod was heading over to the States and was escorted in by a couple of F-16s. The F-16 jocks had the usual disregard for heavies, so they did a few aerobatics, made a few dummy attack runs at it, that sort of thing.
> 
> "Very impressive," said the Nimrod pilot, "but I bet I can do something you can't do: watch this."
> 
> ...


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## Wayne Little (Oct 18, 2010)




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## Geedee (Oct 18, 2010)

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image.
A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.


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## CliffyB (Oct 18, 2010)

Clean up aisle 7! Jimmy you'd better get the fire hose!


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## mikewint (Oct 18, 2010)

GeeDee, great pic, would like to see some after pics. i remember a construction video which caught a guy going into a portapotty just before a crane swings a load into it. the portapotty rolls down a hill. when they get the guy out he is solid blue


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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2010)




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## Bucksnort101 (Oct 18, 2010)

Oh the Humanity!!!!


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## mikewint (Oct 18, 2010)

Be honest guys, what did you notice first?


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 19, 2010)

I'm ok with the label of being old!


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## Geedee (Oct 19, 2010)

Bucksnort101 said:


> Oh the Humanity!!!!



Classic !


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## RabidAlien (Oct 19, 2010)

vikingBerserker said:


> I'm ok with the label of being old!



Same here. Being "old" is better than being "incarcerated". Cute jailbaits, though!8)


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 19, 2010)

Nice Ra.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 19, 2010)

Nice...


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## mikewint (Oct 19, 2010)

actually RA I think the black guy is 18+

Viking, If I knew you were still looking here I have a pic of lingerie models you will love


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## RabidAlien (Oct 19, 2010)

You mean he's legal? Wait.....I meant....um............


so what?


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## Wayne Little (Oct 20, 2010)

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 20, 2010)

************



As U.S. tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife Ruth were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” Morris replied.

Looking at Ruth’s dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am!” said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?”

“Yes,” she replied.

Turning to the husband, the Arab said, “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.”

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked, “Morris, what took you so long to answer?”

Morris replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”


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## mikewint (Oct 20, 2010)

Wayne, great, i love those trueisms


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 20, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Oct 20, 2010)

The Big Boy's in the Game


----------



## phatzo (Oct 21, 2010)

THE FLOATER
I was invited to a new girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family one night back in my late teens. Her family were quite affluent and had a very large house with all the mod cons, I spent an hour or so with her father and uncle in their private bar drinking Jack Daniels and coke when I felt the urge for a crap. I excused myself and found Mahoney (The girl in question) and asked her where the toilet was, she gave me directions up the stairs to her ensuite. After a very satisfying **** and wipe I pulled up my pants and flushed the toilet and to my horror I had created a floater. I covered it in bog roll and flushed again hoping the added drag would assist in flushing the monster through the s-bend. This had just created a floater with lots of bits paper attached to it. At this point Mahoney knocks on the door and says “We’re all going out to be seated in the greenhouse for dinner.”. I was starting to panic and didn’t want to leave this in my new girlfriend’s ensuite and repeated flush attempts were not working. After a few more attempts I grabbed the toilet brush and scooped the floater out of the toilet and flung it out the bathroom window. Quite pleased with myself for overcoming the situation I headed down stairs to find the greenhouse and Mahoney’s family. I walked through the kitchen and saw every one sitting just outside in a lush greenhouse some looking directly at me others looking at the hideous brown mess that had splattered all over the roof of the greenhouse.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2010)

.....well at least it didn't hit the fan...


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2010)

True Wayne.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2010)

The Irishman and the Almost Affair 
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." 

The priest said, "What do you mean, ALMOST?" 

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." 

He paused by the poor box for a moment and then started to leave. 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" 

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you that's the same as putting it in."


----------



## CliffyB (Oct 22, 2010)

DHL announced the newest addition to their fleet today; reported to save millions on fuel!


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 22, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 22, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 22, 2010)

It'll still piss off the tree-huggers, I'll betcha.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 23, 2010)

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty ing."

Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex!!!!"


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 24, 2010)

Little Johnny 

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. 

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." 

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

The teacher cried.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 24, 2010)

Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days...

“When I was a boy, my Momma would send
me down to the corner store with a dollar - and
I’d come back with five pounds of potatoes,
two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a
pound of cheese, a box of tea and a half dozen eggs.

Can’t do that now. Too many security cameras.”


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 24, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Oct 24, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Oct 24, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 25, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 25, 2010)

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."



today'sTHOT============================

I have a super power. I can read my own thoughts.


----------



## Loiner (Oct 27, 2010)

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, and when I got home I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then even my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the capsules in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some stranger shows up and drinks the whole thing!" ... "So, how's things with you .. oh, you don't look very well ..."


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 27, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2010)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 27, 2010)

LMAO


----------



## mikewint (Oct 27, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 27, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 27, 2010)




----------



## Geedee (Oct 28, 2010)

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p*ssing and moaning !


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 28, 2010)




----------



## Night Fighter Nut (Oct 28, 2010)

A little boy loved to suck on his thumb. For months, his mother couldn't figure out how to make him stop until she hit upon an idea. One day she told him that if he kept sucking his thumb, he would blow up like a baloon and float away. This scared the little boy and he immediately stopped. A week later he and his mum were riding a bus to the city. While sitting in his seat he sees a pregnant woman who is in her third trimester. With a knowing look on his face he says to the pregnant woman... " I know what you've been doing...."


----------



## mikewint (Oct 28, 2010)

GeeDee if not better at least you feel better


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 29, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2010)

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they
fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 30, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2010)




----------



## beaupower32 (Nov 2, 2010)

> The day started like any other. Woke up, took a shower, went to work, talked the squadron into a lunch push... standard stuff. I do like a lunch push... but I digress.
> 
> Later on, while looking for a place to take a nap due to my food coma, I run into the scheduler. For those of you who don't know, the scheduler makes sure the squadron gets everything done that needs to. Sometimes things change or people fall out and they have to find a back up. In my case, he wanted to go fly and needed me to take his place as one of two survivors for a CSAR mission. CSAR is short for Combat Search And Rescue. The A-10 is adept at this mission, which involves finding and rescuing downed pilots. They will team up with a helicopter or two and get the good guy before the bad guys do. Naturally, I accepted.
> 
> ...



Funny story I got from www.hawgsmoke.com


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## razor1uk (Nov 2, 2010)

Funny indeed, made me chuckle Lol, hopefully your burnt finger is better now... luckly they were holdable (if barely) flares, I wouldn't want to think if they were shooting flares, A10 low flying, combustable forest, fuel, yourselves etc.


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## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 2, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 2, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 3, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Nov 3, 2010)

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits. 

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door. 

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"


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## ccheese (Nov 3, 2010)

Good one, Matt !!

Charles


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## Gnomey (Nov 3, 2010)




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## Airframes (Nov 3, 2010)

He He !!


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## RabidAlien (Nov 3, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 4, 2010)




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## Geedee (Nov 4, 2010)

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.


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## Matt308 (Nov 4, 2010)

LMFAO!! I'm still guffawing over that one. I would send it to others, without historical context nobody would get it!

FANfrickingTASTIC!!!


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 4, 2010)

ROFLMAO NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## RabidAlien (Nov 4, 2010)

Geedee said:


> If World War One was a bar Fight...
> 
> Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.



Still love this line! ROTFLMBO!! Heh...Matt...I emailed this to a couple of friends, one didn't have a clue what was happening, even though I specifically said it was a WWI outline!


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## Matt308 (Nov 4, 2010)

Geedee said:


> While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.


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## Maestro (Nov 5, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 5, 2010)

joining in the chorus,


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## Gnomey (Nov 5, 2010)




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## Airframes (Nov 5, 2010)

Brilliant! Gary, you owe me a new pair of trousers - I seem to have got these ones wet .........


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## BikerBabe (Nov 6, 2010)

Excellent, Gary!   

I translated this lil' piece o' text that I made for the danish beemer club:

You know you’re a BMW enthusiast:

- if your wife has to ask you to move the BMW R23 in the living room, so that she can watch “Oprah”.

- if you talked your BMW friends into coming along, so that you can bring the huge tent, the laptop, the folding chairs and ditto table, plus the mini tv, in the sidecars.

- if you own more than 20 black t-shirts with the BMW Motorcycle Club Logo print.

- if your best shoes are good, sturdy biker boots.

- if you applied for and got the extra loan to pay for the last service check-up.

- if you buy your 3-year-old niece a BMW Club tee.

- if you’re only sunburnt on a visor-shaped area around your eyes.

- if your idea of real art is a photo of your BMW R1150GS parked somewhere in Costa Rica or North Africa.

- if you get your best sleep in a big rented hut with your wife, so that you’ve got room for the luggage, too.

- if you don’t really care about good weather. What else have you got a full fairing for?

- if you think that God invented winter to test your riding skills.

- if you’ve cancelled your subscription of “Home Garden”, because there weren’t any motorcycle pics in the magazine.

- if you wake up in the middle of the night and worry about your bike.

- if you can recognize a beemer sound in the distance and be able to tell model/year, but still can’t remember the name of your brother-in-law.

- if you can remember at least 5 cell phone numbers to the beemer club buddies, but can’t remember your own telephone number.

- if your touring expenses exceeds the expenses to the mortgage.

- if you think it’s pretty normal to have the front fork lying on the kitchen table.

- if you think that the oil stain on the garage floor is your Mercedes’ way of keeping you from being able to afford new tires for the beemer.

- if you start your beemer in the garage and just sit there when the weather's bad.

- if you’ve got more photos of your beemer (with varying backgrounds) than of your children.

- if you get hit by a car and break your leg in three different places, but still ask the police officer if the beemer’s okay.

- if you keep a safe in your garage just for some of the more expensive spare parts for the beemer.

- if you find out where the BMW parts dealers are located when going on holiday.

- if all the links in your browser are BMW-themed.

- and if all of your shelves are creaking from the weight of the various BMW club magazines, Haynes 
manuals, Clymer manuals, and BMW motorcycle magazines and books.

8)


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## RabidAlien (Nov 6, 2010)

It was funny the first two times, BB....


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 6, 2010)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 8, 2010)




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## JohnAnthony (Nov 8, 2010)

Subject: What A Real Woman Does


A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible........

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does....

Never mind....


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 8, 2010)

NICE!


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## RabidAlien (Nov 8, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!! You've met my wife, I see...


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## Geedee (Nov 9, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 9, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 9, 2010)

Got this in an E-mail today. I had not seen it.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on
First?' might have turned out something like this: 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT 
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying
a computer. 

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows? 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, 
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? 

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight
answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..


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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2010)




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## BikerBabe (Nov 9, 2010)

A few pics from my fave fun sites:


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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2010)

“If the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon your face or a touch of joy within your heart. Then in living - I have made my mark.”


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## RabidAlien (Nov 9, 2010)

Tank lifts.....HAH!!!


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## davparlr (Nov 10, 2010)

to my herky pilot friends and other heavy fliers,


Thought you guys might get a kick out of this one……………;



Dear Major Mills:

I am (name) and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in life? What can I do to increase my chances of getting into the Air Force Academy?

Sincerely,
(name)






*********************************************


A worldly and jaded C 130 "Cargo Dog" pilot, Major Hunter Mills, rises to the task of answering the young man's letter:


Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots.

Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:

What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing, the venerable workhorse, the C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the ground, with the navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an alternate route to the drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch while the engineer is in the back relieving himself and the loadmaster is puking in his trash can!

I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HUMMV's, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! Nowhere else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again before range control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk about exotic travel; when C-130's go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad taste in their mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not something those C-5 pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

1. Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes the other 20%.

2. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the G.I.'s catches up to you from that meal you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.

3. Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to assert in the exact location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

4. A foreign language is helpful but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre"; in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro"; and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the addressee.

5. A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to your living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about the Air Force Academy thing. All TAC Airlifter's know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better choice.

Hunter Mills,
Major USAF


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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 10, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 10, 2010)

That's hilarious!!!


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## Geedee (Nov 11, 2010)

Dude...where do I sign up ? !!!


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## Wayne Little (Nov 11, 2010)




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## Loiner (Nov 11, 2010)

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language, now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train set. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope had a pleasant journey.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who were inconvenienced by the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints the *Fat Controller *in the kitchen.'


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## Civettone (Nov 11, 2010)

Jokes - Pilots and ATC
(warning quite long)
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.



Those English are quite tough on the Germans. You’d think it was them that won the war and not the North Americans.



That was just for you Rich, from your Scottie neighbours









Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:








Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.

How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a

747 makes when it hits a 727?"





From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"





O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...

I've got the little Fokker in sight."





A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

"What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."





A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway,

if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101,

make a right at the lights and return to the airport."





A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English):

"If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English):

"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.

Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"





Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.

By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind

of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;

and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."





One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours

and I'll have enough parts for another one."





The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --

And I didn't land."





While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for

Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between

C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive

taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,

when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the

verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground

controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around

Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence

and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

from Humor Section: January 2007

Kris


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 11, 2010)

LMAO

(That's awesome Dav!)


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 11, 2010)

Thanks...needed a laugh today.


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 12, 2010)

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."


----------



## Civettone (Nov 12, 2010)

Nice one Wayne 


Kris


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 12, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Nov 12, 2010)

Lmfao!


----------



## mikewint (Nov 12, 2010)

civettone 
i'd heard the quantas stuff before but the tower communications were great


----------



## mikewint (Nov 12, 2010)

Not the best LZ


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 12, 2010)

That's gonna leave a mark.


----------



## Geedee (Nov 12, 2010)

Is thats whats called 'A Croc of sh*t ' ?


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 12, 2010)

LMAO - Dammit, didn't think of that one!


----------



## mikewint (Nov 12, 2010)

GeeDee, excellent, wonder what RA will comeupwith


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 13, 2010)

"MEDIC....MEDIC!!!!!!!!!!" 

"Yeah, I'll need an artillery barrage at grid coordinates CTX-472, fire for effect, over." "Firing...wait...have you even landed yet?" "Trust me on this one."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 13, 2010)

------------------------------


----------



## mikewint (Nov 13, 2010)

Good old monty python, i miss those
RA where's your pun


----------



## ToughOmbre (Nov 13, 2010)

*Subject:* "Is that one word or two?"

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 

"How do you feel about sex?", he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently", she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

TO


----------



## mikewint (Nov 13, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 13, 2010)

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Cajones. We've all heard about people having Guts or Cajones. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the nerve to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

CAJONES is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the connfidence to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the prognosis: Both result in death.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 13, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Nov 14, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 14, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 14, 2010)

LMAO!


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## mikewint (Nov 14, 2010)

Heard the first two but not the prognosis


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## mikewint (Nov 14, 2010)

Don't usually give to these guys put you gotta admire creativity


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 14, 2010)

I'd have to give him a few for making me laugh.


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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2010)

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.”

OK, hands up anyone?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 14, 2010)




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## Bernhart (Nov 15, 2010)

Jeff foxworthy


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## P40NUT (Nov 15, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2010)

In the criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!!! 

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 16, 2010)




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## P40NUT (Nov 16, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Nov 16, 2010)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 16, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 16, 2010)

LMAO!


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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2010)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 17, 2010)

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."


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## ToughOmbre (Nov 17, 2010)

*Cow's Tail *

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. 

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. 

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that' 

TO


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## Lucky13 (Nov 17, 2010)

Lmfao!


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## beaupower32 (Nov 17, 2010)

Another time, we were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our larger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a short-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causing us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he said on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning horn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run, 'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you like them apples?.." 

This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Florida airport in 1975. The tower was open from 6am until 10pm and most of the traffic was during daylight hours. There was a National flight in every night about 8:30pm and often had a joker at the wheel. On a particular dark night after handoff from Tampa approach the controller hears: "Sarasota tower, National123 with you... (pause) ... guess where?." The controller promptly turned off all the airport lights - there was no other traffic - and replied: "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." After a silence of about fifteen seconds the chastened National pilot came back: "Sarasota tower this is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 10.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing.." The controller switched the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land.

Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)... 
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!" 
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 17, 2010)

All of those are great guys!!!! Still wiping the tears outta my eyes.


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 17, 2010)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Nov 17, 2010)

Thanks guys, needed the laughs today.


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## P40NUT (Nov 18, 2010)

Me too. Hillarious!


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## razor1uk (Nov 18, 2010)

Lucky13 said:


>


Lovign the Cat In Heat Again pic, pure class, Funny As F*@k, so here's a Cat Girl with Heat..


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## Wayne Little (Nov 19, 2010)

RabidAlien said:


> Thanks guys, needed the laughs today.



Seriously...ME TOO!


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## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Nov 19, 2010)

Sorry my international forum mates... a [bad] US joke.

Bad joke friday...

Q: What does Broke Back Mountain and the NFL have in common?

A: Cowboys suck.

...where's my coat?


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## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2010)

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”


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## Maestro (Nov 20, 2010)




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## v2 (Nov 20, 2010)

*A Marriage Made in Heaven*

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. 

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?' 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?!' .


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## JohnAnthony (Nov 20, 2010)

(Note: Southwest has no assigned seating; you just sit where you want.) Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing their seats, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


On landing, the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"


"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down? "


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."


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## P40NUT (Nov 20, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 20, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!!! That last one was excellent!!!


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## Maestro (Nov 21, 2010)

Loved the last one... That was some smartass flight attendant ! 

For the other quotes... I guess that's why they now play pre-recorded messages on flights. 

That brought back memories of the cute flight attendant I had on my SwissAir flight from Zurich to Prague... She was about 30-35 but, man, was she an HOPA !  Guess I'm better stop it here...


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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Nov 25, 2010)

A burglar 
broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight 
around, 
looking for 
valuables when a voice in the dark 
said, 
'Jesus 
knows you're here.'

He 
nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight 
off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, 
after a bit, he shook his head and 
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so 
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he 
heard 
'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked 
out, he shined his light around frantically, looking 
for the source of the voice.





Finally, 
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to 
rest on a 
parrot. 





'Did 
you say that?' he hissed 
at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, 
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is 
watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, 
huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' 
replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 
'What kind of people would name a bird 
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a 
Rottweiler Jesus.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 25, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2010)




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## Airframes (Nov 25, 2010)

Love it !


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## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2010)

Reminds me of an old one: What has four legs, and one arm? A happy rottweiler.


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## P40NUT (Nov 25, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2010)

.


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## Geedee (Nov 26, 2010)

outstanding !

you guys may have seen this one ?...

"There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings. 

The titles P1, P2 and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot. 

The Landing Pilot, is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for taxi Until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots. 

The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is Handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot. 

The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around," in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around," as appropriate. 

In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly." 

I hope that's all quite clear now ....


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## Wayne Little (Nov 26, 2010)

Yeah.....quite clear...er...Gary.....I think?


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## RabidAlien (Nov 26, 2010)

Only a gov't agency could've come up with that one....


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## Gnomey (Nov 26, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 26, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 26, 2010)




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## rednev (Nov 27, 2010)

I think i'v got a handle on that now


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## Wayne Little (Nov 27, 2010)

What was the question again...??


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## Geedee (Nov 27, 2010)

Wayne Little said:


> What was the question again...??



Something to do with a Handling Non-handling Handling Landing Non-Handling Landing Handling Non-Landing Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot. 

Errrrr, would you need an extra set of instruction depending on if the dude in question above is iether left or right handed ?


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## Geedee (Nov 27, 2010)

A WOMAN'S POEM: 
Before I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray for a man who's not a creep, 
One who's handsome, smart and strong. 
One who loves to listen long, 
One who thinks before he speaks, 
One who'll call, not wait for weeks. 
I pray he's rich and self-employed, 
And when I spend, won't be annoyed. 
Pull out my chair and hold my hand. 
Massage my feet and help me stand. 
Oh send a king to make me queen. 
A man who loves to cook and clean. 
I pray this man will love no other. 
And relish visits with my mother. 


A MAN'S POEM: 
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with 
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, 
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This 
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh _ _.


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## P40NUT (Nov 27, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2010)




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## Maestro (Nov 28, 2010)




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## BikerBabe (Nov 28, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 28, 2010)




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## Maestro (Nov 28, 2010)

In the same vein as Geedee's last post : "I'll be romantic as in chick flicks when girls will be naughty as in porn movies."

Any volunteers ?


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## mikewint (Nov 30, 2010)

Well, does it?


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## Florence (Nov 30, 2010)

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........


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## mikewint (Nov 30, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 30, 2010)

ROTFLMBO!!!


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## P40NUT (Nov 30, 2010)

!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Loiner (Dec 1, 2010)

The people in _Dubai_ don't really like 'The Flintstones' ....

but .. the people in *Abu Dhabi do* !!!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 1, 2010)

Good one, Loiner!


Found this one online:


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## Gnomey (Dec 2, 2010)




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## Maestro (Dec 2, 2010)

You may or may not agree with the political message of that clip, but I think it is funny... So what the hell ?

Besides, I always knew Doctor Doogie was gay...

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from FOD Team, Jack Black, Craig Robinson, John C Reilly, Rashida Jones, Sarah Chalke, Shauna O'Toole, Dustin Bowser, and Brad

What would Hollywood be without cocaine ?


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 2, 2010)




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## BikerBabe (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm just sitting here wondering why Kamikaze pilots wore a helmet, when they took off on their final missions...


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## Matt308 (Dec 5, 2010)

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" 

Margaret looked him over. "Nope." 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." 

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" 

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied. 

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, 
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 5, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 5, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Dec 6, 2010)

Wheels


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## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Dec 7, 2010)




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## evangilder (Dec 8, 2010)

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burnt out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.


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## RabidAlien (Dec 8, 2010)

********************

Text Messaging for the Elderly:

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CGU: Can’t Get Up

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FYI: For Your Indigestion

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

GOML: Get Off My Lawn

GTG: Got To Groan

IMHMO: In My HMO

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

JK: Just Kvetching

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor

MILTF: Meal I’d Like To Forget

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMG: Oye, My Grandchildren!

ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

SUS: Speak Up, Sonny

TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock - Early Bird Special)

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

WTF: Wet The Furniture
WTF: What’s Today’s Fish?


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## mikewint (Dec 8, 2010)

RA, you know just because you young whippersnappers think old is funny.....


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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2010)




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## P40NUT (Dec 8, 2010)

Good ones Rabid, but a few of those hit close to home.


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## RabidAlien (Dec 8, 2010)

mikewint said:


> RA, you know just because you young whippersnappers think old is funny.....



Heh. "Old" ain't necessarily about the age. Its about the mileage.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 9, 2010)




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## Geedee (Dec 9, 2010)

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. .He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows
up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at as mall wharf.As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. 

Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. 
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

'F ***ing hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports too?'


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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 9, 2010)




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## Maestro (Dec 10, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2010)




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## ToughOmbre (Dec 10, 2010)

DO you know what happened 160 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state. The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets. 

So, basically nothing has changed, except.....

back then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

TO


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## Gnomey (Dec 10, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 10, 2010)




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## BikerBabe (Dec 10, 2010)

I discovered the homepage Damn You Auto Correct! - Funny iPhone Fails and Autocorrect Horror Stories 
Here's a few examples:










































...I'm totally in stitches here, these are just the examples with somewhat clean language. Check out the other ones at the page. *wipes eyes, then continues laughing fit*


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## RabidAlien (Dec 10, 2010)

LOL Those are good!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2010)

not bad at all!


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 11, 2010)

...and nice TO!


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## Gnomey (Dec 11, 2010)

Had a few moments myself while sending texts, usually spot the auto-correct fails before sending though...


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## Geedee (Dec 13, 2010)

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . . 

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with just a fly swatter.

3. Your yard has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they refuse it.

10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

15. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

16. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

17. Your kids take a siphon hose to school for show and tell.

18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

20. You use a rag for a gas cap.

21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

23. You can spit without opening your mouth.

24. You consider your license plate personalized because your daddy made it.

25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

27. You have a complete set of salad bowls that say "Cool Whip" on the side.

28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

30. You thought the Unabomber was a WWF wrestler.

31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

35. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

36. You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

37. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

38. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

39. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.

40. There are more appliances on your front porch than in your kitchen.

41. Your home is mobile but your car isn't.

42. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five coon hounds.

43. You brush your tooth every night before bed.

44. Your "good China" dinner plates have Elvis' picture on them.

45. You have an 8-track player in your pickup... and you still use it.

46. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

47. You walk your kid to school every day because you're in the same grade.

48. Your idea of a great vacation is going to a Wal Mart in another town.

49. You consider your family reunion a great place to meet girls.

50. Your idea of "safe sex" is padded arm rests in the back seat of a car.

51. You think a 6-pack of Bud and a bug-zapper are a fun evening's entertainment.

52. You've always believed that the last four words of our National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!".

53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.

54. You can belch all 26 letters of the alphabet... on one breath.

55. Your wife and your sister are the same person.

56. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

57. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 

58. Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker top your list of "Most Admired Men."

59. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."

60. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 

61. Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

62. Your high school prom had daycare.

63. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

64. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up or down depending on how much gas is in the tank.

65. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

66. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.

67. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

68. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

69. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

70. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 

71. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.

72. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

73. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because the label said "concentrate".

74. You've ever been too drunk to fish. 

75. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 

76. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

77. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

78. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

79. You have a relative living in your garage.

80. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. 

81. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

82. You have ever rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

83. None of the tires on your van are the same size. 

84. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

85. Your idea of "getting lucky" is passing the vehicle emissions test. 

86. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

87. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

88. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. 

89. Starting your car involves popping the hood.

90. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

91. You whistle at women in church.

92. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

93. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

94. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.

95. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.

96. Your best jacket has a beer advertisement on the back of it. 

97. Nobody has ever asked your wife for one of her recipes. 

98. You are the legal heir to a fireworks stand. 

99. Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet. 

100. You've used food stamps while out on a date. 

101. Your wife has to ask, "What color shoes do I have on?" 

102. You've been on TV more than once describing what a tornado sounded like. 

103. You sharpen knives for a lot of people but it is not your occupation. 

104. Your pickup has a bumper sticker that says, "My kid whipped your honor student's ass." 

105. Most of the socks you own allow you to cut some of your toenails while wearing them. 

106. You're naked come laundry day. 

107. Any of your children were conceived in a bass boat. 

108. You've ever skinny-dipped in an inflatable pool. 

109. You've ever had a wreck because a wasp was in your car. 

110. The sheriff regularly speaks to you through a megaphone. 

111. Your gazebo is an old satellite dish held up by PVC pipes. 

112. Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting. 

113. You tie down the furniture in the back of your truck with a garden hose. 

114. Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless. 

115. You've ever used the kids' swingset as a clothesline. 

116. Your mama is banned from the front-row seats at wrestling matches. 

117. You mouth the lines while watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns. 

118. Your kids can't use the sandbox because the cats do. 

119. Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born. 

120. You think "hiding your valuables" means putting your box of Moon Pies under the couch. 

122. You've ever waited in line overnight for a tire sale. 

123. Little Debbie tops your list of "Most Admired Women."

124. Your favorite car of all time is the General Lee.

125. You don't understand why "Carter Country" was considered a comedy show.


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## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 13, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 13, 2010)

Hey! Are you making fun of me?!!


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## T Bolt (Dec 13, 2010)

My laughing at 53 woke up the kids!

53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 14, 2010)




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## Maestro (Dec 14, 2010)

> 81. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.



Well, it could be a good way to keep away those annoying phone surveys/sellers. 



> 109. You've ever had a wreck because a wasp was in your car.



That one almost happened to me two years ago. I was driving back from Québec City and a wasp entered by the window and landed on my chest. No need to say my car went from left to right for a few seconds... I was just surprised the damn thing decided to land there.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 15, 2010)

A young boy enters the barber shop and Bill the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns! He's got to be the dumbest kid in the world" . 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" 

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!!!!"


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## Airframes (Dec 15, 2010)

Good one Wayne !


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## Gnomey (Dec 15, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Dec 15, 2010)

Perhaps too political and US centric, but found this funny...
_____________________________________________________

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. 


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. 

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 15, 2010)

This was E-mailed to me today. It's a little old but still good.

oys 4 Tots has good people working for it
> Subject: Marine Stabbed at Best Buy
> Poor Guy! Bet he never knew what hit him!! Another of life's
finer lesson! Mess with the Best - Get what you DESERVE
>
> Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter
>
>
> November 27, 2010
>
> Associated Press
>
> AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for
children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter
in eastern Georgia.
>
> Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle
that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a
laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.
>
> When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee,
pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four
Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots"
program.
>
> Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of
them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear
to be severe.
>
> The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two
broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted
lacerations and bruises he obtained when he fell trying to run
after stabbing the Marine.
>
> The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police
arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is
investigating.
>
>
>
> Rick Smythe
> Chaplain
> Marine Corps League
> St Charles County Detachment 725
>
>


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## Gnomey (Dec 15, 2010)




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## evangilder (Dec 15, 2010)

Musta been one heck of a fall....


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## Maestro (Dec 15, 2010)

Yeah... Guess that BestBuy was at the top of a 25 floors building and the guy fell all the way down the stairs.


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## mikewint (Dec 15, 2010)

Hey, don't be judgemental, he could have been standing on a really high curb
Matt she'd make the sheep look good


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## RabidAlien (Dec 15, 2010)

Yes, officer....the dude fell down that small flight of stairs over there. Four times.


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## RabidAlien (Dec 15, 2010)

> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was
> coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
> 
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
> 
> Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
> the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
> 
> Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
> shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
> drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
> accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
> little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
> broom.
> 
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
> door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
> Christmas tree.
> 
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
> stick it?'
> 
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 15, 2010)

RA, that's just WRONG but very funny!


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## Geedee (Dec 16, 2010)

Ah...so that explains it !

Brilliant


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## Geedee (Dec 16, 2010)

Was sent this at work and thought I'd share you with guys. Hopefully, they arent too bad ?

A woman’s idea of pressies for us men.

For the men in your life this Christmas...


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## mikewint (Dec 16, 2010)

GD,  especially the drill, dyson, and the constipation fighter


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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Dec 16, 2010)

THE MISTRESS


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" 

"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage an no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 

"Who's that woman with Norman? " asks the wife. 

"That's his mistress," says her husband. 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.


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## RabidAlien (Dec 17, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 17, 2010)




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## mikewint (Dec 17, 2010)

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes living in misery more comfortable


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## evangilder (Dec 17, 2010)

Or money can't buy you love, but it can rent you some darn nice affection.


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## mikewint (Dec 17, 2010)

Yes it is!


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## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2010)




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## P40NUT (Dec 17, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 17, 2010)




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## Maestro (Dec 18, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 19, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 19, 2010)

Urg. Okay....need to scrub that mental image...:


Twas the Night Before Christmas....Aussie Edition!


‘Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn’t a sound.
Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.
We’d left on the table some tucker and beer,
Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,
While dreams of pavlova danced ’round in our heads;
And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,
Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;
Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.
We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,
snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,
But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty ’roos.
The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,
And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I’m telling the truth it’s all i-di,
Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.
Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,
And encouraged the ’roos, by calling their names.

“Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!
On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!
Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,
I’ll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!”

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,
With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.
He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,
Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.
A jolly old joker was how he appeared.
He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,
And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!
And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!
His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly
Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,
And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.
He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,
To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.
And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.
A mysterious package he left for our Mum,
Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his ’roos came on cue;
Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.
He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates -
Merry Christmas to all, and goodonya, Mates!

Read more: Aussie Night Before Christmas


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## mikewint (Dec 19, 2010)

the next pic is the 911 call and paramedics trying to remove the pole


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## Gnomey (Dec 19, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 19, 2010)

It may be the pole dialing 911!


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## Matt308 (Dec 20, 2010)

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" 

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."


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## Wayne Little (Dec 21, 2010)

Even the wife had a good laugh at that one Matt!


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## Airframes (Dec 21, 2010)

Love it !


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## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2010)




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## Matt308 (Dec 21, 2010)

Did anyone notice that there is entirely too much absorbative material in the "crotchal" area, both above and below, to soak up residual fluids. That aint right.


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## mikewint (Dec 21, 2010)

Depends on how he got that way to begin with: bobbit?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 22, 2010)

What ever it was he did to do that to himself, I'll be he don't do it again.


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## mikewint (Dec 23, 2010)

ABW, you bet, hard to fly without wings


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## Gnomey (Dec 23, 2010)




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## Maestro (Dec 24, 2010)

I'll try to tranlate that one into English the best I can...

Q : Do you know why truck drivers don't have many children ?

A : Because they always pull back before dumping.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 24, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2010)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 24, 2010)

LMAO!


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## P40NUT (Dec 25, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2010)

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an swear word. Those that weren't swear words were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "What the hell did the chicken do?"


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## Maestro (Dec 26, 2010)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 26, 2010)

Heh. The chicken, he crossed the road. Baaad chicken.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 26, 2010)




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## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Dec 26, 2010)

“You may be sorry that you spoke, sorry you stayed or went, sorry you won or lost, sorry so much was spent. But as you go through life, you'll find - you're never sorry you were kind.”


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## Wayne Little (Dec 27, 2010)

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.


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## P40NUT (Dec 27, 2010)




----------



## Lucky13 (Dec 27, 2010)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 27, 2010)




----------



## Maestro (Dec 27, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 27, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 28, 2010)

Two men are driving through Saskatchewan when they get pulled over by a Mountie. The Mountie walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What the hell was that for?" The Mountie says, "You're in Saskatchewan son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The Mountie runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him with the nightstick too. The passenger says, What'd you do that for?"
The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true." The Passenger says,
"huh?" The Mountie says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, "I wish that ******* would've tried that **** with me."


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 28, 2010)




----------



## P40NUT (Dec 28, 2010)

Good One!


----------



## mikewint (Dec 28, 2010)

excellent


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 28, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2010)

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow said "No".  She said "You will be when the tide comes in."


----------



## P40NUT (Dec 29, 2010)

Very funny!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2010)




----------



## mikewint (Dec 30, 2010)

was his name Matt?


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 30, 2010)

mikewint said:


> was his name Matt?



Bob


----------



## Maestro (Dec 31, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 31, 2010)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 31, 2010)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 31, 2010)

Just emailed to me:


USMC Rules For Gunfighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

10. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.

11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

13. Have a plan.

14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

17. Don't drop your guard.

18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.

22. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

23. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."


Navy Rules for Gunfighting

1. Go to Sea

2. Send the Marines

3. Drink Coffee


----------



## Maestro (Jan 1, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 1, 2011)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 1, 2011)

One day a wife got back home. There was an announcement on a sheet of paper hanging on the door. " I'll sell my wife. The price - 360PLN. " The lady hit the roof and entered house. What is going on ? - she asked her husband. How do you know I'm worth these 360PLN?
It is quite easy - the guy answered. 80kg of weight with 2PLN for each kilogram is 160PLN. And adding 200PLN for your wedding ring, it is equal 360PLN.

The next day the husband returned home. There was a notice on door - " I'll sell my husband. The price - 1.10 PLN. " . He went crazy immediately and came in house gnashing his teeth. What ? Only 1.10PLN - How did you catch the price idea? - he shouted out.

It is quite easy - his wife said. Two eggs for 30gr is 60gr and a cream horn without the cream 50gr what is 1.10PLN.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 1, 2011)

Check your eyes


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 1, 2011)

Iv'e seen that picture before and there ain't no boat.!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 1, 2011)

Agreed, Wayne...experts in criminal photographic forensics have examined the image, and there is NO boat.

We're still lookin, though....


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 2, 2011)

If you do find it, kindly point it out.....


----------



## Wurger (Jan 2, 2011)

It must be a submarine. I can see two Q-tanks and valves of the quick submergence.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 2, 2011)

It's taken awhile but I am begining to see a vague outline. Guess i'll have to check again


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2011)

A vague outline. That is certainly more than I can see.


----------



## Maestro (Jan 2, 2011)

I see a sailship... Oh, no... Sorry, that's her bikini top...


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 2, 2011)

BOAT? I don't see no stinkin boat!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 3, 2011)

A man had just finished reading "Man Of The House" while making his commute home from work. When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing his finger in her face, he said "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "My guess would be the Funeral Director."


----------



## Lucky13 (Jan 3, 2011)

_“All war must be just the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it” _

*Mark Twain*


----------



## P40NUT (Jan 3, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 3, 2011)

Jan, I'd mostly agree with you (Mark Twain), I certainly felt that way at first but the more you see and experience... hatred builds and vengence becomes an issue. The VC were one thing the NVA were totally different.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 3, 2011)

mikewint said:


> Jan, I'd mostly agree with you (Mark Twain), I certainly felt that way at first but the more you see and experience... hatred builds and vengence becomes an issue. The VC were one thing the NVA were totally different.



Mark Twain obviously hadn't met either one.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 3, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Jan 4, 2011)

As a result of the recent Strategic Defence Review cuts, our new armed forces are being modernised....


----------



## mikewint (Jan 4, 2011)

Ya gotta love photoshop, excellent Gary


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2011)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 4, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 5, 2011)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jan 5, 2011)

LMFAO!


----------



## mikewint (Jan 5, 2011)

been there, done that, have several T-shirts


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2011)




----------



## P40NUT (Jan 5, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 5, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 5, 2011)

On a more somber note. I got this in a e-mail today. I don't know how current it is so it may have been done before, I'm not sure.

Subject: Fwd: A must read MAY GOD BLESS THIS AIRLINE CAPTAIN:
He writes: My lead flight attendant came to me and said, "We have an
H.R. on this flight." (H.R. stands for human remains.) "Are they military?" I asked.

'Yes', she said.

'Is there an escort?' I asked.

'Yes, I already assigned him a seat'.

'Would you please tell him to come to the flight deck. You can board him early," I
said..

A short while later, a young army sergeant entered the flight deck. He was the
image of the perfectly dressed soldier. He introduced himself and I asked him
about his soldier. The escorts of these fallen soldiers talk about them as if they
are still alive and still with us.

'My soldier is on his way back to Virginia,' he said. He proceeded to answer my
questions, but offered no words.

I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and he said no. I told him
that he had the toughest job in the military and that I appreciated the work that
he does for the families of
our fallen soldiers. The first officer and I got up out of our seats to shake his
hand. He left the flight deck to find his seat.

We completed our preflight checks, pushed back and performed an uneventful
departure. About 30 minutes into our flight I received a call from the lead flight
attendant in the cabin. 'I just found out the family of the soldier we are
carrying, is on board', she said. She then proceeded to tell me that the father,
mother, wife and 2-year old daughter were escorting their son, husband, and father
home. The family was upset because they were unable to see the container that the
soldier was in before we left. We were on our way to a major hub at which the
family was going to wait four hours for the connecting flight home to Virginia.

The father of the soldier told the flight attendant that knowing his son was below
him in the cargo compartment and
being unable to see him was too much for him and the family to bear. He had asked
the flight attendant if there was anything that could be done to allow them to see
him upon our arrival. The family wanted to be outside by the cargo door to watch
the soldier being taken off the airplane.. I could hear the desperation in the
flight attendants voice when she asked me if there was anything I could do.. 'I'm
on it', I said. I told her that I would get back to her.

Airborne communication with my company normally occurs in the form of e-mail like
messages. I decided to bypass this system and contact my flight dispatcher directly
on a secondary radio. There is a radio operator in the operations control center who
connects you to the telephone of the dispatcher. I was in direct contact with the
dispatcher. I explained the situation I had on board with the family and what it
was the family
wanted. He said he understood and that he would get back to me.

Two hours went by and I had not heard from the dispatcher. We were going to get
busy soon and I needed to know what to tell the family. I sent a text message
asking for an update. I saved the return message from the dispatcher and the
following is the text:

'Captain, sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. There is policy on this
now and I had to check on a few things. Upon your arrival a dedicated escort team
will meet the aircraft. The team will escort the family to the ramp and plane
side. A van will be used to load the remains with a secondary van for the family. 
The family will be taken to their departure area and escorted into the terminal
where the remains can be seen on the ramp. It is a private area for the family
only. When the connecting aircraft arrives, the
family will be escorted onto the ramp and plane side to watch the remains being
loaded for the final leg home. Captain, most of us here in flight control are
veterans. Please pass our condolences on to the family. Thanks.'

I sent a message back telling flight control thanks for a good job. I printed out
the message and gave it to the lead flight attendant to pass on to the father. The
lead flight attendant was very thankful and told me, 'You have no idea how much
this will mean to them.'

Things started getting busy for the descent, approach and landing. After landing,
we cleared the runway and taxied to the ramp area. The ramp is huge with 15 gates
on either side of the alleyway. It is always a busy area with aircraft maneuvering
every which way to enter and exit. When we entered the ramp and checked in with the
ramp
controller, we were told that all traffic was being held for us.

'There is a team in place to meet the aircraft', we were told. It looked like it
was all coming together, then I realized that once we turned the seat belt sign
off, everyone would stand up at once and delay the family from getting off the
airplane. As we approached our gate, I asked the copilot to tell the ramp
controller we were going to stop short of the gate to make an announcement to the
passengers. He did that and the ramp controller said, 'Take your time.'

I stopped the aircraft and set the parking brake. I pushed the public address
button and said, 'Ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking I have
stopped short of our gate to make a special announcement. We have a passenger on
board who deserves our honor
and respect. His Name is Private XXXXXX, a soldier who recently lost his life. 
Private XXXXXX is under your feet in the cargo hold. Escorting him today is Army
Sergeant XXXXXXX. Also, on board are his father, mother, wife, and daughter. 
Your entire flight crew is asking for all passengers to remain in their seats to 
allow the family to exit the aircraft first. Thank you.'

We continued the turn to the gate, came to a stop and started our shutdown
procedures. A couple of minutes later I opened the cockpit door. I found the two
forward flight attendants crying, something you just do not see. I was told that
after we came to a stop, every passenger on the aircraft stayed in their seats,
waiting for the family to exit the aircraft.

When the family got up and
gathered their things, a passenger slowly started to clap his hands. Moments
later more passengers joined in and soon the entire aircraft was clapping. Words
of 'God Bless You', I'm sorry, thank you, be proud, and other kind words were
uttered to the family as they made their way down the aisle and out of the
airplane. They were escorted down to the ramp to finally be with their loved
one.

Many of the passengers disembarking thanked me for the announcement I had made. 
They were just words, I told them, I could say them over and over again, but
nothing I say will bring back that brave soldier.

I respectfully ask that all of you reflect on this event and the sacrifices that
millions of our men and women have made to ensure our freedom and safety in these 
United States of AMERICA ..


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 5, 2011)

Frikkin-A, I still can't read that without gettin choked up.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 5, 2011)

Very moving post ABW might also go under the inspiration thread


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 5, 2011)

I thought about that Mike but gave it a try here. I got choked up pretty good to RA.


----------



## P40NUT (Jan 6, 2011)

Very moving. God bless our soldiers.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 6, 2011)

Right on!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 7, 2011)

Wow.....very moving.....


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 8, 2011)

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. 

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. 

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. 

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! 

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" 

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" 

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 8, 2011)

Frikkin cats.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 8, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Jan 8, 2011)

The best cat is a free cat


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 8, 2011)

There is no such thing as free as far as animals go.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 8, 2011)

Well i guarantee that cat is free and could even be used as a doorstop


----------



## P40NUT (Jan 9, 2011)

Not only a free cat, but a good cat.


----------



## Geedee (Jan 9, 2011)

Is that the first recorded instance of Cat Nav ?


----------



## phatzo (Jan 10, 2011)

Geedee said:


> Is that the first recorded instance of Cat Nav ?



Groan


----------



## v2 (Jan 10, 2011)

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies $60.
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.
She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt".


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 11, 2011)

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. I got really plastered. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took the bus home.

I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.


----------



## v2 (Jan 11, 2011)

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood, and true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home, he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.

He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! 

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 11, 2011)

Dang. Gonna have to remember that one....


----------



## Maestro (Jan 11, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 11, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 12, 2011)

v2 said:


> A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
> The madam replies $60.
> "Wow, what do I get for that," he says.
> She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt".



Now that's low Domenik...Good!...but low...


----------



## P40NUT (Jan 12, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 13, 2011)

BEWARE Scam on Men

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young woman comes up.

With body stretched to its full potential, she pretends to wash your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 13, 2011)

**********************

A man was walking through a German forest when he saw this deep cave, so he decided to go exploring. He walked in a ways and saw a flickering light far ahead so he walked to it.

He was surprised to find an old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the notes off of the paper and laying the blank sheets aside.

The walker was astonished when he saw who he thought the man was. It seemed to be Mozart! He asked, "Are you Mozart?"

"Yes", the old man replied.

"Would that be Wolfgang Mozart?"

Again the reply was "Yes."

"Well, you've been dead for centuries. What are doing rubbing notes off of music?"

[Ready for this ... ???]



The old man looked up, "I'm decomposing!"


----------



## Geedee (Jan 13, 2011)

Classic !


----------



## Geedee (Jan 13, 2011)

Advert in a local paper...

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... 

Call 01272-6+++++ and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....















.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 13, 2011)

RA, you remain King of the PUN


----------



## mikewint (Jan 13, 2011)

Keep watching and hoping


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 13, 2011)




----------



## P40NUT (Jan 13, 2011)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 13, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 13, 2011)

Mike...that is sooooo frikkin wrong! How could you DO that to us!!!!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 13, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Jan 13, 2011)

RA, easy, 'cause it's Pun


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 13, 2011)

Ooooooooooo....that was bad, even by MY standards!!! (they're low, but yes, I do have standards)


----------



## mikewint (Jan 13, 2011)

I understand that once in every 5000 viewings the gif skips and you see the last 5 frames!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 14, 2011)

RabidAlien said:


> Mike...that is sooooo frikkin wrong! How could you DO that to us!!!!



What a sh!t


----------



## mikewint (Jan 14, 2011)

YUP


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 14, 2011)

mikewint said:


> I understand that once in every 5000 viewings the gif skips and you see the last 5 frames!!!



Is that the director's "Cut" or extended edition?


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 14, 2011)

Heh...."extended"....


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 14, 2011)

RA will now waste a day at work waiting for the 5000th skip with baited breath.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm up to 2,739....


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 14, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Jan 14, 2011)

2740...2741...2742...2743...2744...


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 15, 2011)

Hey, how'd you get ahold of my pic?? 




New Internet terminal-ogy:

Dot Con: The process of making money from the internet.

Faceless: What happens when you get either vindictive or drunk and post on Facebook, someone finds it offensive and your account is suspended.

Game-Shame: The feeling of slight embarrassment that occurs when you realise what you thought was about half an hour of game play was actually about five hours, especially when you have inadvertently missed an event to which, under normal circumstances, you would have assigned a higher priority than game play.

Intermet: Ending friendly e-mail conversations with a new acquaintance: “nice to have intermet you.” A smiley emoticon is optional.

Meanderthal: Someone who tries to drive or walk while using a mobile phone.

Memail: E-mail sent to yourself to remind you to do things. Everyone else spends all day reading and sending e-mail to each other, but you prefer yours to be private.

Nerds-Nest: The tangle of cables behind your TV or desk.

Plugthug: Someone who’d kill for access to recharging facilities.

Sheeple: People who have to go out and buy the latest gadget (usually one whose name starts with an “i”) just because they believe that everyone else is getting one, and they can’t bear the thought of being left out.

Spamnesia: Failing to reply to e-mails from friends, because your computer thinks they’re spam.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 15, 2011)

Everyone has to have a hobby


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 16, 2011)

NEW DEFINITIONS
1. DOOHICKEY:
A. Female........Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female........Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
B. Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female........The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
B. Male...........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female.........A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female.........A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male...........Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE (flachulens) n
A. Female.........An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female........The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female........A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 16, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Jan 16, 2011)

so true


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 16, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 16, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 17, 2011)

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry..

I'm thinking of whiskey. 
Never mind.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 17, 2011)

Now that's better, thought you were having a Altzheimers flash there for a minute or your "significant other" was standing over you


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2011)




----------



## P40NUT (Jan 17, 2011)

Great ones!


----------



## Geedee (Jan 18, 2011)

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. 

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. 

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. 
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. 
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. 

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT DO. 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. 

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


----------



## ToughOmbre (Jan 18, 2011)

*Just Trying To Help*

I was in Costco the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. 

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.." 

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. 

So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, with blond hair, green eyes, great legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" 

I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours." 

TO


----------



## mikewint (Jan 18, 2011)

You just have to remember what to do when you find her


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 18, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2011)




----------



## P40NUT (Jan 18, 2011)

Hilarious!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 19, 2011)




----------



## Wurger (Jan 19, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Jan 19, 2011)

time for one of my world famous pics


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 19, 2011)

Not with a 10-foot pole, two pygmy Sherpa guides, and a GPS unit.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2011)

Only a 10ft pole RA. I've just mentally scarred myself for life.


----------



## mikewint (Jan 19, 2011)

Would 10ft be long enough. No telling how deep a crevasse is


----------



## Airframes (Jan 19, 2011)

Takes a lot to make me re-visit my lunch, but that one does it! 
Ban yourself for 24 hrs Mike!


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## RabidAlien (Jan 20, 2011)

Ya just gotta reward brilliance:




The English test had only one question: "Write an essay on 'The Most Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw.'"

One of the students finished his essay in less than a minute. It read in its entirety: "The most beautiful thing I ever saw was just too beautiful for words."

He got the only A in the class.






today'sTHOT============================

What do we want?
PROCRASTINATION!
When do we want it?
Next week!


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## mikewint (Jan 20, 2011)

Personally I'd have given him an F for begging the question


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## RabidAlien (Jan 20, 2011)

(just got this in an email)

EUROPEAN STANDARD ENGLISH
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the
other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five year
phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of the "k", which should klear up some konfusion and allow one
key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf"
20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptive to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil
find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL
FINALI KUM TRU!


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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 20, 2011)

zee ow zimpl
The Phaomnneil Pweor of the Hmuan Mnid

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the human mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Pterty amzanig, huh?


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## RabidAlien (Jan 21, 2011)

TRAVEL WARNING

The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:

- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including hat and gloves
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- Full spare gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.







today'sTHOT============================

My oven has a "Stop Time" button on it. It probably means "Stop Timer" but I don't touch it just in case.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 21, 2011)

RA


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## Wayne Little (Jan 22, 2011)

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 22, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 22, 2011)

LOL


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 22, 2011)

Desperate times call for desperate measures


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## RabidAlien (Jan 22, 2011)

Mike....we're starting to worry about you!


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## GrauGeist (Jan 22, 2011)

CHOOSING A WIFE 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. 

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon and gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. 

The man was impressed. 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents him with the gifts, she tells him she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. 

Again, the man is impressed. 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. 

Obviously, the man was impressed. 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. 

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs...


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## RabidAlien (Jan 22, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 23, 2011)

RabidAlien said:


> Mike....we're starting to worry about you!



STARTING?


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## Wayne Little (Jan 23, 2011)

Happy huntin'!

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The
father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."


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## Geedee (Jan 23, 2011)

I gave a blind mate of mine a cheese grater for a birthday present.....said he'd never read such a violent book !


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 23, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jan 23, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 23, 2011)

STARTING?? I'm completely normal. See for yourself


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## ToughOmbre (Jan 23, 2011)

*Super Bowl Ticket*

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.
"No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right ...mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I
was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else... a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

TO


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 23, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 24, 2011)

Now that's a sports fan


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2011)




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## magnu (Jan 24, 2011)

A dashing young aviator has finally scraped together enough cash to hire the local flying clubs Cessna 152 for a couple of hours to practice his cross country navigation.
On his return leg he lands at a busy airport and after checking in with the tower and paying his fee, he has just enough left for a coffee. 
On reaching the lounge he finds it jampacked with smartly uniformed airline types with a smattering of military. 
Feeling like a very small fish in a big pond he makes his way to the only vacant table.
He has just sat down when a stunning blonde enters and after looking round makes he way to his table.
As she does so every head turns to watch her progress. 
He can feel the waves of envy directed at him from all directions and starts to feel rather pleased with himself.
After sitting down opposite she asks if he is a pilot 
"Yes as a matter of fact I am"
"Oh really how wonderful and what sort of plane do you fly?"
"A C 152"
"What sort of plane is that?"
He points to a Hercules sitting on the apron 
"You see that one just there,well that's a C 130.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 24, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 24, 2011)

Brilliant!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 25, 2011)




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## P40NUT (Jan 25, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2011)




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## GrauGeist (Jan 26, 2011)

. . . *The Man Rules*

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down since we always hear "the rules" from the female side...

Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 

1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST FOREMOST RULE) 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl, if it's up, put it down. 
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work! 
Strong hints do not work! 
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. 
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO IDEA what Mauve is. 

1. If IT itches, IT will be scratched. We do that. 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey. 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight...

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


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## mikewint (Jan 26, 2011)

Now THAT is ABSOLUTELY Brilliant


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## mikewint (Jan 26, 2011)

Women's Rules
1.	Do not say what you mean. Ever. 
2.	Be ambiguous. Always. 
3.	Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault. 
4.	Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember. 
5.	Make them apologize for everything. 
6.	Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them. 
7.	Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks. 
8.	Look them in the eye and start laughing. 
9.	Cry. 
10.	Get mad at them for everything. 
11.	Hold grudges. 
12.	Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply. 
13.	When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value. 
14.	Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess." 
15.	Be late for everything. Yell if they're late. 
16.	Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast. 
17.	Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness. 
18.	Cry. 
19.	Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong. 
20.	Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry. 
21.	Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud. 
22.	Correct their grammar. 
23.	Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer. 
24.	Leave out the good parts in stories. 
25.	Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble. 
26.	Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing. 
27.	Cry. 
28.	Declare that you are not wacko. 
29.	Criticize the way they dress. 
30.	Criticize the music they listen to. 
31.	Criticize their hair. 
32.	Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them. 
33.	Try to change them. 
34.	Try to mold them. 
35.	Try to get them to dance. 
36.	Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted. 
37.	Cry. 
38.	When they screw up, never let them forget it. 
39.	Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because. 
40.	Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them. 
41.	Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?" 
42.	Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch. 
43.	Read into everything. 
44.	Over-analyze everything. 
45.	Cry. 
46.	Make it your goal to make them cry.


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## Gnomey (Jan 26, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 26, 2011)

Funny....yet, oddly enough, it makes me want to cry.


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## mikewint (Jan 26, 2011)

What can I say RA, it's not my design. Face it, we're prisoners of our hormones


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## RabidAlien (Jan 26, 2011)

I hear that.


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## mikewint (Jan 27, 2011)

You'd think they'd be satisfied, after all, they have half the money and ALL the b**bs...


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## BikerBabe (Jan 27, 2011)

mikewint said:


> You'd think they'd be satisfied, after all, they have half the money and ALL the b**bs...



Why, when what we want is ALL the money, _and _d**k!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 27, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 27, 2011)

Maria, yes but, with half the money you can buy all the batteries you want


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## BikerBabe (Jan 27, 2011)

mikewint said:


> Maria, yes but, with half the money you can buy all the batteries you want



Maybe so, but I can't get a vibrator to do the dishes and take out the trash!


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## RabidAlien (Jan 27, 2011)

Hmm...I think Maria wins this one. Although rumor has it that she keeps trying to find that one special model. Just ask those Jehovah's Witness guys.


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## mikewint (Jan 27, 2011)

Let's see Maria, half the money buys you a dishwasher and a garbage disposal AND all the batteries you could ever want


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## P40NUT (Jan 28, 2011)




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## BikerBabe (Jan 28, 2011)

Maybe so, but then there'd be no-one to boss around, abuse now and then, and get to lift heavy stuff. Bummer!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 28, 2011)

Just got this in the E-mail.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for 
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the 
sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and 
model it for him. 





Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so 
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the 
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for 
myself." 

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. 

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least 
iron it!" 

He never heard the shot. 

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon . 

The coffin will be closed.


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## Gnomey (Jan 28, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jan 28, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 28, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 28, 2011)

Moral: never teach a woman to shoot


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 28, 2011)

They can be quite accurate.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 29, 2011)

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...


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## mikewint (Jan 29, 2011)

time to hide from that kid


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 29, 2011)

Good one RA!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 30, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 30, 2011)

A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest.. 



The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'



The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'



The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'



The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


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## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 30, 2011)




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## Geedee (Jan 31, 2011)

=D>

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on 
display.
While he was there, a Master Sergeant from the local Air Force Base
walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line-service monkey,
please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a
monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the 
Chief,
"That'll be $1,000.00" The Sergeant paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them here are only a few hundred dollars. Why
did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah -- that was a line-service monkey. He can
park, fuel, and service all Air Force aircraft, conduct all required 
ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with zero mistakes. 
He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey 
in another cage with a $10,000.00 price tag. "That one's really expensive!
What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a maintenance supervisor monkey. He can instruct at all
levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive
maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most 
of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little more and found another monkey in a cage at
the back of the store. The price tag read, $50,000.00. "Holy ****! 
What does this one do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but
drink beer, play with the girl monkeys, and scratch his butt,

but his papers say he's a pilot."


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 31, 2011)




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## mikewint (Jan 31, 2011)

GeeDee - you know, i've noticed that too


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 1, 2011)

Ran across B-17's post about his dad and it reminded me of this:
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "OK, exit your vehicle and I'll show you, sir."

As the lawyer steps out of his car, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving #%[email protected] out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 1, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Feb 2, 2011)

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!! 

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, and 60's 
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter,milk from the cow,and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY no video/dvd films, or colour TV,no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!
Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating . 
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education. 
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road. 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!


Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !


And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 2, 2011)

Amen to that Gary!!


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 2, 2011)




----------



## Catch22 (Feb 2, 2011)

As someone brought up in our current PC world Gary, I'm offended by the fact that my decade is not included in that!


----------



## Geedee (Feb 3, 2011)

Catch22 said:


> I'm offended by the fact that my decade is not included in that!





I tell ya what, you run for President of this third rock from the Sun and I'll back you all the way. Lets get rid of all the cr*p that fills our lives at the moment and go back to the 'Good ole days', cos they were !.

Failing that, when I've finished my time machine, I'll give you a lift back !


----------



## Geedee (Feb 3, 2011)

For those born before 1940...


We were born before television, before penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic, contact lens, videos, Frisbees and the Pill. We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball point pens: before dish-washers, tumble driers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes…..and before man walked on the moon.

We got married first, and then lived together (how quaint can you be ?). We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a ‘Big Mac’ was an oversized raincoat and ‘Crumpet’ we had for tea. We existed before house-husbands, computer dating, duel careers and when a ‘meaningful relationship meant getting along with cousins and sheltered accommodation was where you waited for the bus.

We were before day care centres, group homes, and disposable nappies. We never heard of F.M radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt, and young men wearing ear rings. For us, ‘Time-sharing’ meant togetherness, a ‘Chip’ was a piece of wood or fried potato, ‘hardware’ meant nuts and bolts and ‘software’ wasn’t a word.

Before 1940 ‘Made in Japan’ meant junk, the term ‘Making out’ referred to how you did in your exams, ‘Stud’ was something that fastened a collar to a shirt and ‘going all the way’ meant staying on the buss until it reached the depot. Pizza’s, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. In our day cigarette smoking was fashionable, ‘grass’ was mown, ‘coke’ was kept in the coal house, a ‘joint’ was a piece of meat you had on Sunday and ‘pot’ was something you cooked in. ‘Rock music’ was a Grandmothers lullaby, ‘Eldorado’ was an ice cream, a ‘gay’ person was the lide and soul of a party and nothing more, while ‘Aids’ just meant beauty treatment or help for some-one in trouble.

We who were born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch when you think of the way in which the World has changed and the adjustments we had to make. No wonder we are so confused and there is a generation gap to-day…..BUT

BY THE GRACE OF GOD….WE HAVE SURVIVED !


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## Loiner (Feb 3, 2011)

Excellant, I like it. The younger generations have no idea how much of 'life' they are missing out on.


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## RabidAlien (Feb 3, 2011)

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"


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## RabidAlien (Feb 3, 2011)

Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" 

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.



*****************************************


Free Sex with Fill-Up

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales.

So he put up a sign that read,

"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,

"You were close. The number was 7.

Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck,

along with his brother, Bubba,

pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story,

and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said,

"Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,

"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."


**************************************


One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.

The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."


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## Airframes (Feb 3, 2011)

Great stuff, and very true Gary.
Good one RA.


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## Gnomey (Feb 3, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 3, 2011)

Ah yes well do I remember those days


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 3, 2011)

Good ones guys. Gary, those are so true. I got this in a E-mail today.

Subject: Texas Style DUI



Only a person in Texas could think of this.



>From the county where drunk driving is considered by some as a sport, comes this
story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after
"last call" the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated
that he could barely walk. 

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. 

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. 

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine,
dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights. 

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left. 

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road. 

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
administered a breathalyzer test. 

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! 

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station. 

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken .' 

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight, I'm the designated
decoy.'


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## RabidAlien (Feb 3, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 4, 2011)

Had heard that one before but still funny


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## javlin (Feb 4, 2011)

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies'


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## mikewint (Feb 4, 2011)

don't ask questions unless you know the answer


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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 4, 2011)

Got another one.
Welfare Check 
> 
> A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. 
> 
> He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I 
> just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." 
> 
> The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. 
> We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a 
> Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to 
> drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of 
> your clothes. 
> 
> "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be 
> expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is 
> rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job 
> assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 
> mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." 
> 
> The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" 
> 
> The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."


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## javlin (Feb 4, 2011)

Thats good Aaron.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 4, 2011)

I thought so, I'm still laughing!


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## Catch22 (Feb 4, 2011)

Geedee said:


> I tell ya what, you run for President of this third rock from the Sun and I'll back you all the way. Lets get rid of all the cr*p that fills our lives at the moment and go back to the 'Good ole days', cos they were !.
> 
> Failing that, when I've finished my time machine, I'll give you a lift back !



 Sounds like a plan Gary, sounds like a plan...


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## Bernhart (Feb 4, 2011)

welfare agent is checking up on one of her clients, making sure she isn't makig fraudulent claims, notices that every time she calls one of her 5 boys she uses the same name "george"

why have you named all your boys George?

well it's easier, when i want them to come for dinner or in for the night i just yell George!!!
and they all come running. 

" Well that sorta makes sense, but what if you want a specific George, then what do you do?"

well then i just call them by thier last name of course!


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## RabidAlien (Feb 4, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 5, 2011)

probably more of a true story


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## Gnomey (Feb 5, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 6, 2011)

Paddy died. His Will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
“Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased,” she said.
“To be sure you’re right,” replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

“So go on, how much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Colleen. “Forty thousand.”

“Aw No!” Mary exclaimed. “I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!”
Colleen answered, “The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”

Mary computed quickly. “Surely not! Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”
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(wait for it...)
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## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 6, 2011)

And yet another true story


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## Geedee (Feb 6, 2011)

She should have brought two....to be sure, to be sure !


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## Wayne Little (Feb 7, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 8, 2011)

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."


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## mikewint (Feb 8, 2011)

men like sleeping on the couch, it's like camping


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## Wayne Little (Feb 9, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 9, 2011)

Been there


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## RabidAlien (Feb 9, 2011)

ROTFLMBO!!!


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## Geedee (Feb 10, 2011)

One sunny day in Ireland, Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. 
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. 
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy.

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


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## mikewint (Feb 10, 2011)

Geedee, you pun-ish devil you. It took a minute


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## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 10, 2011)




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## Geedee (Feb 11, 2011)

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . . 

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with just a fly swatter.

3. Your yard has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they refuse it.

10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

14. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

15. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

16. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

17. Your kids take a siphon hose to school for show and tell.

18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

20. You use a rag for a gas cap.

21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

22. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

23. You can spit without opening your mouth.

24. You consider your license plate personalized because your daddy made it.

25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

27. You have a complete set of salad bowls that say "Cool Whip" on the side.

28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

30. You thought the Unabomber was a WWF wrestler.

31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

35. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

36. You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

37. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

38. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

39. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.

40. There are more appliances on your front porch than in your kitchen.

41. Your home is mobile but your car isn't.

42. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five coon hounds.

43. You brush your tooth every night before bed.

44. Your "good China" dinner plates have Elvis' picture on them.

45. You have an 8-track player in your pickup... and you still use it.

46. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

47. You walk your kid to school every day because you're in the same grade.

48. Your idea of a great vacation is going to a Wal Mart in another town.

49. You consider your family reunion a great place to meet girls.

50. Your idea of "safe sex" is padded arm rests in the back seat of a car.

51. You think a 6-pack of Bud and a bug-zapper are a fun evening's entertainment.

52. You've always believed that the last four words of our National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!".

53. You've ever had to climb the city water tower with a can of paint in order to defend your sister's honor.

54. You can belch all 26 letters of the alphabet... on one breath.

55. Your wife and your sister are the same person.

56. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

57. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 

58. Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker top your list of "Most Admired Men."

59. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."

60. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 

61. Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

62. Your high school prom had daycare.

63. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

64. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up or down depending on how much gas is in the tank.

65. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

66. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.

67. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

68. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

69. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

70. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 

71. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.

72. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

73. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because the label said "concentrate".

74. You've ever been too drunk to fish. 

75. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 

76. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

77. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

78. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

79. You have a relative living in your garage.

80. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. 

81. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

82. You have ever rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

83. None of the tires on your van are the same size. 

84. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

85. Your idea of "getting lucky" is passing the vehicle emissions test. 

86. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

87. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

88. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. 

89. Starting your car involves popping the hood.

90. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

91. You whistle at women in church.

92. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

93. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

94. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.

95. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.

96. Your best jacket has a beer advertisement on the back of it. 

97. Nobody has ever asked your wife for one of her recipes. 

98. You are the legal heir to a fireworks stand. 

99. Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet. 

100. You've used food stamps while out on a date. 

101. Your wife has to ask, "What color shoes do I have on?" 

102. You've been on TV more than once describing what a tornado sounded like. 

103. You sharpen knives for a lot of people but it is not your occupation. 

104. Your pickup has a bumper sticker that says, "My kid whipped your honor student's ass." 

105. Most of the socks you own allow you to cut some of your toenails while wearing them. 

106. You're naked come laundry day. 

107. Any of your children were conceived in a bass boat. 

108. You've ever skinny-dipped in an inflatable pool. 

109. You've ever had a wreck because a wasp was in your car. 

110. The sheriff regularly speaks to you through a megaphone. 

111. Your gazebo is an old satellite dish held up by PVC pipes. 

112. Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting. 

113. You tie down the furniture in the back of your truck with a garden hose. 

114. Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless. 

115. You've ever used the kids' swingset as a clothesline. 

116. Your mama is banned from the front-row seats at wrestling matches. 

117. You mouth the lines while watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns. 

118. Your kids can't use the sandbox because the cats do. 

119. Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born. 

120. You think "hiding your valuables" means putting your box of Moon Pies under the couch. 

122. You've ever waited in line overnight for a tire sale. 

123. Little Debbie tops your list of "Most Admired Women."

124. Your favorite car of all time is the General Lee.

125. You don't understand why "Carter Country" was considered a comedy show.


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## Geedee (Feb 11, 2011)

You might be a Redneck Pilot If: 

1. Your stall warning honker plays DIXIE. 

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints. 

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks. 

4. You've ever used moonshine as a substitute for 100LL. 

5. Your Cherokee's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude girl. 

6. Your toothpick keeps poking your hand mic. 

7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer. 

8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee! 

9. You use an old grain sack as a windsock. 

10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut." 

11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane. 

12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy." 

13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from Wal-Mart. 

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window of your plane. 

15. You have duct tape holding your engine cowling on. 

16. You figure external mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations. 

17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying. 

18. You've ever taxied to the far end of the runway just to get the newspaper so you could wrap the day's catch. 

19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow or a wild boar. 

20. You consider anything over 500 AGL as High Altitude Flying. 

21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere." 

22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area. 

23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco juice on the left. 

24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing. 

25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger. 

26. You've ever landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee. 

27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different. 

28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the Magnetic Compass. 

29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold. 

30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer. 

31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller. 

32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing." 

33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations. 

34. You think an "ultra-light" is a new sissy beer from Rolling Rock. 

35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"


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## Wayne Little (Feb 11, 2011)

That took some getting through, Gary...


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## Geedee (Feb 11, 2011)

Its all based on how I run my life !


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## v2 (Feb 11, 2011)

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.


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## mikewint (Feb 11, 2011)

Perfect, never try for innocence, it never works


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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 11, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2011)




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## BikerBabe (Feb 12, 2011)

Found a few good ones.


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## Gnomey (Feb 12, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 12, 2011)

Pervert? Who? That's just shellfish right?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 12, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 13, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 13, 2011)




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## Geedee (Feb 14, 2011)

Good one RA, been there , done that !..

On the same subject...

To the tune of Bohemian Raphsody

Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had Lime Pickle now he's dead
Naan, dinners just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away
Naan, ooh ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
seen nothing yet just the loo tomorrow
curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras
Too late my dinners gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo
Naan, ooh ooh
This Dopiaza is so mild
I sometime wish we'd never come here at all
Solo
I see a little Chicken Tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh pass the chutney made of Mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very Very Spicey
Meat !
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byrani and a Naan (a Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten Balti, somebody help me
He's eaten Balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'case the loo is quarantined……
Here it comes 
There it goes
Technicolour yawn
I chunder
NO !
I'ts coming up again (there he goes)
I chunder, its coming back again (there he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Her it comes again
(No No No No No No NO)
on my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me…poor me…poor me!
Solo
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
Solo (slow bit)
Korma, Sag or Bhuna
Bhaji, Balti or Naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meeeee
Anyway, you wind blows….ssssshhhhhhhhhh


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## mikewint (Feb 14, 2011)

Not that I don't enjoy a good scatological joke but


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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2011)




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## BikerBabe (Feb 14, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 14, 2011)

My question is...where's that gas station at? I mean, c'mon...a plane slides up to the island, and a fireman is there to clean the nose? Holy crap, that's what I call service!!!


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## mikewint (Feb 14, 2011)

Got to be cheaper than at the airport. Can't quite make out the sign but at those prices it's got to be per liter


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## Wayne Little (Feb 15, 2011)

Good one Mike!


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## mikewint (Feb 15, 2011)

Anime is a big thing with some, I don't know which is more disturbing, the sheets or the box of tissues


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## RabidAlien (Feb 15, 2011)

Mike....c'mon, man....get a real pillow!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 15, 2011)

Really man.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 16, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 16, 2011)

RA, I like 'em small, they just wear out so quick


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## RabidAlien (Feb 16, 2011)

Okay, this one may get me yelled at....but, here goes:

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP. 
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.


----------



## Geedee (Feb 17, 2011)

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to sod off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"Ok follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, ongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes yes YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I bl**dy didn’t!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 17, 2011)

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."


----------



## B-17engineer (Feb 17, 2011)

*A bad pick up line:*

Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is pretty f**ked up.


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Feb 17, 2011)

RA ist in diesen Zeiten der zweiten Witz viel lustiger
and Geedee -


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 17, 2011)

Mike...no idea what you just said, buddy! 




****************************



Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. " The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 18, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 18, 2011)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Feb 19, 2011)

*Humorous Military Rules*



> Source: Humorous Military Rules - SimHQ Forums
> 
> *Marine Corps Rules:*
> 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
> ...




Wheels


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 19, 2011)

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman: "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The barman considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the barman: "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The barman agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. Then, as the rat plays the blues, the man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies. "He's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the barman demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere half a million!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. The rat's a ventriloquist."


----------



## Wurger (Feb 19, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 19, 2011)

Dunno if this has been posted before:


Current terrorist-related Threat Levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated,” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since “The Blitz” in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 19, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 19, 2011)

Das ist nicht sehr lustig RA, einer dieser Tage werden wir einen Sieg
Everyone else


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## Gnomey (Feb 19, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 19, 2011)

mikewint said:


> Das ist nicht sehr lustig RA, einer dieser Tage werden wir einen Sieg
> Everyone else


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## Wayne Little (Feb 20, 2011)

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, continually stuck her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but they feared her enough to maintain their silence. 

She made a mistake this time, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

Don't ya just love ole George?


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 20, 2011)

You go, George!


----------



## BikerBabe (Feb 20, 2011)

mikewint said:


> Das ist nicht sehr lustig RA, einer dieser Tage werden wir einen Sieg
> Everyone else





RabidAlien said:


>


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## mikewint (Feb 20, 2011)

Fremragende Maria, du er en kvinde af få ord, men de er alle til det punkt. En af disse dage har vi bør køre væk samme

Jeg har allerede sagt "når"


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## RabidAlien (Feb 20, 2011)

Heh. Somebody's got too much free time and access to Google Translate.


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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2011)




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## mikewint (Feb 20, 2011)

Well, darn, you ketched me, though I am of German desent and learned to speak a low German dialect from my parents and grandparents. Didn't lean real German until I went to college


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## javlin (Feb 21, 2011)

Those are some good ones Wayne  I just got this by email....


PRICELESS! 


A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and 
noticed he had his collar on backwards. 
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. 
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..' 
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' 
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of 
many.' 
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he 
doesn't wear his collar that way!' 
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and 
went back to reading his book. 
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and 
said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, 
and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar." 
___________________________________


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 21, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 21, 2011)

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAA!!!! Oh, the wisdom of children!


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## magnu (Feb 22, 2011)

A long queue is waiting to enter the stadium at a football match and an attractive police woman on horseback is patrolling up and down the line, her mount has been champing at the bit somewhat. 
One of the fans shouts out "Oi! miss did you know your horse is foaming at the mouth ?"
With a look of utter disdain came the reply
"Sonny if you'd spent the last two hours between my thighs you'd be foaming at the mouth too"


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## mikewint (Feb 22, 2011)

Javlin, nice!


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 23, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Feb 23, 2011)

A former Marine Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher. Just before the school year started he injured his back. 



He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart alek punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, the smart-ass kids all started laughing at him. He took a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest, twice.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.


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## mikewint (Feb 23, 2011)

Nice


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 23, 2011)

Ooo-rah!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Feb 24, 2011)

Saw this on another forum.

*MY LIVING WILL:* 

Last night, my kids stopped by and we're sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' 



They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer. 



They are SO on my s*** list ...

----------------

Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Feb 24, 2011)

Excellent...


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## RabidAlien (Feb 24, 2011)




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## beaupower32 (Feb 24, 2011)

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' 



'1955, ma'am.' 


'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' 

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.' 

(Gotta love military time)


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## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 24, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 24, 2011)

Ooo-rah!


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## mikewint (Feb 24, 2011)

yup, love that mil time


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 26, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 26, 2011)

A plane leaves Heathrow airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two, seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews either!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an Iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , No mattah... all same!!!"


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## Wayne Little (Feb 27, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2011)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Feb 27, 2011)

Wheels


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## javlin (Feb 27, 2011)

another from the mailbox

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago. This is PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. 


When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' 

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. 
A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'


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## P40NUT (Feb 28, 2011)




----------



## magnu (Feb 28, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 28, 2011)

a friend sent me that one today  

...Thanks Kevin!


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## RabidAlien (Feb 28, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Feb 28, 2011)

honesty in advertising


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## Gnomey (Feb 28, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 28, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 1, 2011)

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2011)




----------



## Bucksnort101 (Mar 1, 2011)

Golf anyone?


----------



## mikewint (Mar 1, 2011)

This is even sillier


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 1, 2011)

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in: "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."


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## mikewint (Mar 1, 2011)

She's one of the ones that comes to Illinois to drive in front of me!


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## RabidAlien (Mar 1, 2011)

Well, what do you expect when you live in a state where half of the state's name is "annoy"?


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## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2011)




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## mikewint (Mar 1, 2011)

RA, and that's just what it does to the poor schmucks that live here


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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2011)




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## magnu (Mar 2, 2011)

Could be worse Mike spare a thought for those poor folks from Scunthorpe


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## mikewint (Mar 2, 2011)

Magnu, don't know. It's the "Industrial Garden Center" of Lincolnshire and they even have a coat of arms. Ill-noise on the other hand is $19 billion in debt, has almost doubled the state income tax, and has a gov that wants to borrow $11 billion more to balance the state budget and has not funded education in two years


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## magnu (Mar 2, 2011)

Sorry if you got the wrong end of the stick Mike I was referring to a certain word that can be taken from the middle of the place name, following on from RAs comment about your states name


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## mikewint (Mar 2, 2011)

Magnu, I actually did get it. Just looked it up and thought them calling themselves Industrial and Garden in the same phrase was also pretty funny AND a coat of arms to boot


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## mikewint (Mar 2, 2011)

The only thing better/funnier would be if it were a cat


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## RabidAlien (Mar 2, 2011)

Nice one, Mike! Send the frikkin squirrels over to the next state!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 4, 2011)

This was sent to me today. Might be a little old but it SURE hits home.Old Sea Story Parable 







There's an old sea story about 

a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, 

and afterward told the first mate 

that his men smelled bad.





The Captain suggested perhaps it would 

help if the sailors would change 

underwear occasionally. 



The first mate responded, 

"Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" 



The first mate went straight 

to the sailors berth deck and announced, 

"The Captain thinks you 

guys smell bad and wants you to change 

your underwear." 

He continued, " Leo you change with 

Jerry. Tony you change with 

Bert and Bob you change with Ed."







THE MORAL OF THE STORY: 



Someone may come along and 

promise "Change," but don't 

count on things smelling 

any better.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 4, 2011)

And another one.
Biology exam....
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. 






The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points or
none at all. 





One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. 





He wrote: 





1.) It is perfect formula for the child. 





2.) It provides immunity against several diseases. 





3. ) It is always the right temperature. 





4.) It is inexpensive. 





5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 





6.) It is always available as needed. 






And then, the student was stuck. 





Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang,
he wrote... 





7.) It comes in cute containers. 





He got an A


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## RabidAlien (Mar 4, 2011)

I happen to think #7 is the most important of all of those, ABW!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 4, 2011)

MEEEEEEEEE toooooo!!!!!


----------



## P40NUT (Mar 4, 2011)

Me Too!


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 5, 2011)

Indeed 

Here is one I heard on TV the other day.

"A criminal will always return to the scene of the crime, guess that's why there is so many Aussie's in the UK"


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## mikewint (Mar 5, 2011)

ABW - boy that is for sure: Just because things change doesn't mean that they are any different


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## Wayne Little (Mar 6, 2011)

aw thanks hugh...


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## Glider (Mar 6, 2011)

My wife teaches 9 - 10 year olds and was marking some of their work this morning when she collapsed in laughter. The children had been asked to write about royalty and how they lived. One wrote that the Queen sat on a gold diamond encrusted Throng instead of Throne.


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 6, 2011)

Ouch. That's gotta chafe!


----------



## mikewint (Mar 6, 2011)

In ALL the wrong places!


----------



## magnu (Mar 6, 2011)

When I was serving my apprenticeship as a tattoo artist, Henry my teacher and I were both working on clients when a young lad came in and made enquiries about getting a tattoo. In the UK you have to be 18 to get one and as he looked younger he was asked if he had any ID.
"Um no I haven't" He said looking sheepish
"Nevermind we can soon find out if you are 18" I said.
"Wow really how can you do that?"
"we cut your dick in half and count the rings"

He made the fastest exit you've ever seen 
All of us had to take a break as we were all laughing so much it was useless trying to continue


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 6, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 6, 2011)

Good one magnu


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 6, 2011)

I'm laughing and cringing at the same time! As soon as one stops, I'll clean the tea off my screen.


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 7, 2011)

* Blondes explain Easter *

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they
could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus
was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him
in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

--------------------------------


Wheels


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## mikewint (Mar 7, 2011)

So that's where than legend originated... Who knew


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 7, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 7, 2011)

Its probably sacrilegious of me to laugh, but.....ROTFLMBO!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 8, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Mar 8, 2011)

As long as Wheelsup has broached the sacrilegious barrier...
Is it just me, or is this a product not well thought out


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 8, 2011)

Karma. Yeah. Its a b!tch.


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 9, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 9, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Mar 9, 2011)

Probably from flicking that switch too much.
wheelsup has me started. Not well thought out..


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## Wayne Little (Mar 10, 2011)

Finally, it is time to pick on some profession other than lawyers -- 
Comprehending Accountants - Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, "I like both." “Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 10, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 10, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Mar 10, 2011)

Don't know Wayne, accountants are pretty benign, Lawyers on the other hand...


----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 10, 2011)

My favourite Engineer joke:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 10, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Mar 10, 2011)

day-fin-ite-ly


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 11, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 11, 2011)




----------



## Airframes (Mar 11, 2011)

Love it !


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 11, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 12, 2011)

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be the US President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 12, 2011)




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## Airframes (Mar 12, 2011)

Got to agree!


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## Crimea_River (Mar 12, 2011)

Yup!


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## mikewint (Mar 12, 2011)

you betcha Wayne, then again women have half the money and all the boobs


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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2011)

Very true.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 13, 2011)

mikewint said:


> you betcha Wayne, then again women have half the money and all the boobs


 
True enough!


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## syscom3 (Mar 14, 2011)

ENGINEERS
Understanding Engineers One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 16, 2011)

Two Old Farts, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.

Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger.

But one day, Chuck approached the park and -- lo and behold there sat Rodger!

Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"

Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Rodger said, "you know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

And ...the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."


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## RabidAlien (Mar 16, 2011)




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## mikewint (Mar 16, 2011)

I do understand


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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 17, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 18, 2011)

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."





today'sTHOT============================

Q: When can a pregnant lady expect her baby to move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 18, 2011)

.....


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## mikewint (Mar 18, 2011)

Well they *are* rare!


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## Gnomey (Mar 18, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 18, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 19, 2011)

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 19, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 20, 2011)

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. 
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutschsprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare."Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely ed.
The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 20, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Mar 20, 2011)




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## v2 (Mar 20, 2011)

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "****, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


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## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 21, 2011)

Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Mar 21, 2011)




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## mikewint (Mar 21, 2011)

good ones guys


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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 22, 2011)

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."


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## RabidAlien (Mar 22, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Mar 22, 2011)




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## mikewint (Mar 22, 2011)

No matter whatcha do it's either wrong or not done the right way


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## Crimea_River (Mar 22, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 22, 2011)




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## Glider (Mar 23, 2011)

Someone who should have stayed in bed that day.

Story 1
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. 
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. 
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. 
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. 
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. 
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. 
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Story 2
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 

Story 3
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . 
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death. 

Story 4
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


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## Gnomey (Mar 23, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 23, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 24, 2011)

.....


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## javlin (Mar 25, 2011)

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed . My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. 


I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...???


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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 25, 2011)

Heh....ya just gotta admire honesty, and the backbone to stick to your guns. Or fried chicken. Either way.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 26, 2011)




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## ToughOmbre (Mar 27, 2011)

*The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.....*

*"Hello."*

*"Mrs. Sanders, please."*

*"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. 
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, 
a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's 
and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."*

TO


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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 28, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 28, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 29, 2011)

7 degrees of blonde:

1st DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

2nd DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" 

4th DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

5th DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

6th DEGREE: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?"
the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

7th DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"


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## magnu (Mar 29, 2011)

A blonde walks up to the man behind the counter 
" Can I have fish and chips please"
"I'm afraid madam that this is a library"
"Oh! sorry (whispers) Can I have some fish and chips please"


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## Gnomey (Mar 29, 2011)




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## mikewint (Mar 30, 2011)

Blonds!!!!!!!!!!!


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## ToughOmbre (Mar 30, 2011)

TO


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## ToughOmbre (Mar 30, 2011)

The late night comedians are coming up with some good ones.....

*The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. 

--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 

--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 

--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

A: A fund raiser.

--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 

--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?

A: America !

--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

A: Bo has papers.

--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?

A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--David Letterman*

TO


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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 30, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 30, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2011)

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, He says, "... the balcony..."


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## RabidAlien (Mar 31, 2011)

Jethro and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer.

Suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife - she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Jethro spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over... women like that are hard to find.”


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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2011)




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## magnu (Mar 31, 2011)

A chief flying instuctor gets a telephone call from a pupil on a cross country flight telling him he has had an engine failure and has had to put down in a field and both he and the plane are fine.
After finding out his location the instuctor tell him to wait with the plane and he will fly down and pick him up.
The instructor sets off and eventulally spots the plane in the corner of a very small field. Right if he can get in there then so can I he thinks. He descends and does a circuit of the field, it's very very small.
I'm not going to be shown up by a student if I don't get it in there I'll never hear the last of it at the clubhouse. 
So down he goes with the stall warning blaring he drags it over the near hedge and plonks it down as fast as he can. With sweat pouring off him he stands on the brakes and just manages to bring it to a halt with the prop chewing the brambles in the far hedge.
He gets out and walks over to the student 
"I must commend you on a very good emergency landing I only just managed to get in here with a working engine. How you did it on a dead stick I really don't know."
"Oh but I didn't I landed in the big field next to this one then pushed the plane in here so you'd have more room to land"


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## RabidAlien (Mar 31, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 31, 2011)

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.


Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and
proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'


The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.


Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the
Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!'


More sighs and loud applause.


Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, I will give him sex!'


There is total silence.


The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?'


Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, 'Screw him!'


Isn't senility wonderful?


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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 1, 2011)

Well that is what he said!


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## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 3, 2011)

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"Ten," says the doctor.
"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"Nine....Eight...."


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## RabidAlien (Apr 3, 2011)

Great, Wayne...now I gotta clean my monitor again!!!!


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## Gnomey (Apr 3, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 3, 2011)

Wow, that's quick


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## mikewint (Apr 3, 2011)

OK, you guys are always complaining about my posted females, too fat, too skinney so let's try these


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 3, 2011)

That's alot better Mike. I think we can now forgive you.


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## RabidAlien (Apr 3, 2011)

Forgive....several times!


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## Glider (Apr 4, 2011)

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! 

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... 

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"


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## RabidAlien (Apr 4, 2011)

A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him. They decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made the teacher's tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 4, 2011)

Glider, that is excellent


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## RabidAlien (Apr 4, 2011)

Curtis Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news. The mule died last night."
Curtis Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" 
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" 
Curtis said, "Well, the feller what won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.


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## Gnomey (Apr 4, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 5, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 5, 2011)

Yup, actually one of them is now the mayor-elect of Chicago


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## Glider (Apr 6, 2011)

Should these be standard issue?

BBC News - Singapore soldier 'remorseful' over maid backpack gaffe


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## mikewint (Apr 6, 2011)

Camp-followers are an old military tradition in the US and Britain continuing into the civil war. The men carried the weapons and the women carried all the baggage and were part of the baggage train. The military has no sense of humor in this PC world


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## RabidAlien (Apr 8, 2011)

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2’ strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy BOB finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look real good, but we have what you might call
an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six democrats,
and a rabbit"

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude. You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


----------



## mikewint (Apr 8, 2011)

cute, RA


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 8, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 8, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 9, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 11, 2011)

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 11, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 11, 2011)

well that's different


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2011)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 12, 2011)

Wheels


----------



## javlin (Apr 13, 2011)

Had to email that deputy joke out to buds


----------



## vikingBerserker (Apr 13, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## ToughOmbre (Apr 13, 2011)

TO


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## ToughOmbre (Apr 13, 2011)

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. 

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. 

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 
...
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ." 

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" 

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." 

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" 

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." 

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

TO


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## Gnomey (Apr 13, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 13, 2011)

Three Redneck convicts were on the way to prison after being sentenced.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them pass their time while imprisoned.
On the bus, each one turned to the other and said, “So, wha cha bring?”
The second redneck pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of the Jail.”
Then he asked the first redneck, “Wha cha bring?”
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brung cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and a host of games.”
The third redneck was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why you bein smug? Wha cha bring?”
The redneck pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, “I brung these here.
”The other two were puzzled and asked, “What cha gonna do with those?”
He grinned and pointed to the box and said,“Well this hare riting on dis box sez, I kin go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….”


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 13, 2011)

Southerners:

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."



Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.



Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."



Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."



And this from South Carolina

You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the north.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 14, 2011)

RA, boy oh boy is that last one TRUE, can't wait to get out of this state


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## RabidAlien (Apr 14, 2011)

mikewint said:


> RA, boy oh boy is that last one TRUE, can't wait to get out of this state


 
Heh....don't come here. I can't wait to get out of this state, either.


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 14, 2011)

LMAO, Nice RA!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 14, 2011)

I used to want to get out of Virginia when I was growing up,.........wait,....I'm still growing up, at least I think I am. Anyway, I spent a few years in several other states and found out it's no better anywhere else so I came back.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 15, 2011)

Ah, fellow coffee drinkers! 

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. 

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. 

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take aspirin." 

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." 

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. 

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejesus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" 

"Really? What happened? asked the doctor. 

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" 

"Why so terrible?" the doctor asked. "Do you mean sex with your husband wasn't good?" 

"Oh no, no, doctor. The sex was fine indeed. T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."


----------



## mikewint (Apr 15, 2011)

Heard a slightly different version but still funny.
RA, actually kinda like Texas, name a type of climate and you can find it somewhere in Texas. Actually looking at Arkansas along the big northern lake Bull Shoals
ABW, well you don't have our Gov, doubled the state income tax, is working on a bill to require all residents to carry state health insurance, and another bill to legislate what kind and types of food can be sold in the state


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 17, 2011)

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 17, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 17, 2011)

A boy came home from school one day and said to his mom, “Guess what happened to me in school today. I had sex with my teacher!” 
His mom became very upset and screamed, “Go to you room! We’ll tell your father what you did when he gets home.”
When the father came home, the boy told him. “Way to go son,” the father replied. “let’s go buy you a new bicycle.”
When they came out of the shop with a brand-new bike, the father asked, “Do you want to ride it home?” 
“No,” the boy replied. “My ass still hurts.”


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## RabidAlien (Apr 17, 2011)

Wrong.....sooooo wrong!


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2011)

That's awful


----------



## mikewint (Apr 18, 2011)

You guys are hard to please:
A young couple is in bed when the man begins to feel frisky.
He turns to his wife and begins rubbing her arm. "How about some loving?" He asks
"Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh." she replies.
The man turns over and thinks a bit, then turns back and asks:
"Well in that case, do you have a dental appointment tomorrow too?

Better?


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 19, 2011)

Nice!


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 19, 2011)

...


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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2011)

A little better


----------



## mikewint (Apr 19, 2011)

OK, I found the spot:
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


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## RabidAlien (Apr 19, 2011)

Dang....where's my wallet....!!!


----------



## mikewint (Apr 19, 2011)

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." 

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. 

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." 

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 19, 2011)

Nice!


----------



## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwallbought new shoes for her wedding..

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,

"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,

"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,

"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"


----------



## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

An Irish Family Tradition


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Granny,' he asked, "It's me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me fa, his fa, and his fa before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your fa, your grandfa and your great grandfa were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August."


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## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

Irish Sausages 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. 

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. 

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' 

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. 

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' 

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! ' 

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. 

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' 

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'


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## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish Stew?" 

The salesperson asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish Stew, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."


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## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub.

The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."


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## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

Paddy 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?" 

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!" 



-------------- 



Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. 

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on". 


----------------------


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. 
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?" 


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole f**kin' bed by the looks of it!" 


----------------- 


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S.. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. 

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! 




-----------------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. 

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!" 



----------------- 

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" 



----------------- 


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. 

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" 

Paddy says "What's his name?" 

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"


----------



## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy
a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.

"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."


----------



## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. 

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.. He gasps to the operator, 
"I think Sal is dead! What should I do?" 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." 

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard. 

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 
"Okay.. . now what ?


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 20, 2011)




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## mikewint (Apr 20, 2011)

Florence, you have to give us time to recover, and what is a Bunnings?


----------



## Florence (Apr 20, 2011)

Sorry, was on a roll. 



> what is a Bunnings?



Bunnings is a Hardware store.


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## Gnomey (Apr 20, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 20, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2011)




----------



## BikerBabe (Apr 22, 2011)

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and ed by this, and asks "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 22, 2011)




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## Airframes (Apr 22, 2011)

Good one !


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 22, 2011)




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## A4K (Apr 22, 2011)

Maria..

On the subject of dogs:

Two drunks in a bar. First one looks down and sees a dog licking his [email protected] in the corner. He turns to his mate and says "Jeez, I wish I could do that!". His mate says "Give him a biscuit, he might let ya..."


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 22, 2011)




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## ToughOmbre (Apr 23, 2011)

*VACATION IN JERUSALEM* 

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem.

While there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped back home for $5,000 or bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and decided to ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship her home when it would be so wonderful to bury her here in the Holy Land and you will spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

TO


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 23, 2011)

A very wise man!


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 23, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Apr 24, 2011)

yup, best not to take a chance


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 25, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 26, 2011)

HOW TO START A FIGHT












One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 27, 2011)

*THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST*

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


And the moral of this story is:








...Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 27, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Apr 27, 2011)

Wow, had me worried, thought they had found a young man thinking with his big head


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2011)




----------



## v2 (Apr 28, 2011)

An elderly couple walked hand in hand slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then people noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating, his wife helped to wipe his face neatly with a napkin.

The onlooking young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."


----------



## mikewint (Apr 28, 2011)

Heard it before, but very funny


----------



## mikewint (Apr 28, 2011)

There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now...

. . Itty bitty titties

()() Little breasts

(.)(.) Nice breasts

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

(D)(D) Bullets

(O)(O) Handful breasts

(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts

\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts

[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram

* ^ * Flat chest

(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{O}{O} D cups

(^)(^) Cold breasts

(<)(<) Perky breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts

(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts

lollol Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 28, 2011)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 28, 2011)

Wheels


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 28, 2011)

Love it, Mike!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Apr 28, 2011)

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. 
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 
You have been with me all through the bad times. 
When I got fired, you were there to support me. 
When my business failed, you were there. 
When I got shot, you were by my side. 
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. 
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....'



Wheels


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 28, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 29, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (Apr 29, 2011)

too little too late


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2011)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Apr 29, 2011)

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

"Go get your Mother!"

TO


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 30, 2011)

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and older on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.



Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.


----------



## Wayne Little (May 1, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (May 1, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 1, 2011)

Best Short Letters (stolen shamelessly from this blog: Home on the Range)

Dear TSA,
"Hi, Jack" isn't the same as "hijack."
Sincerely, was only greeting a friend.

Dear Lady GaGa,
At what point did you think wearing meat was a good idea?
Sincerely, hungry kids in Africa.

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear mailman,
How does your dog react when you get home?
Sincerely, curious.

Dear Oxford,
If you misspell a word, will we ever know?
Sincerely, genuinely concerned.

Dear 72-hour deodorant,
Sincerely, why?

Dear Students,
I know when you're texting.
Sincerely, No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber is the payback.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Iceberg,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear Titanic,
OM NOM NOM.
Sincerely, Iceberg

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Captain Marvel

Dear idiots,
Please pull your pants up so we can't see your underwear and get a job
Sincerely, a taxpayer tired of supporting you and your 5 illegitimate children.

Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely, Spoon

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely, The Mayans

Dear Kids,
There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents.
Sincerely, Wikileaks

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco . . .
Sincerely, United States 

Dear President Obama,
Please go screw Michelle for a change.
Sincerely,
The American Taxpayer


----------



## Wayne Little (May 3, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (May 3, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (May 3, 2011)

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."


----------



## RabidAlien (May 3, 2011)

Oops!


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 3, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (May 5, 2011)

Oh My....


----------



## Gnomey (May 5, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (May 5, 2011)

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


----------



## Gnomey (May 5, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 5, 2011)

Chris works for the government, doesn't he.


----------



## Wayne Little (May 6, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 7, 2011)

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. 


Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.


----------



## RabidAlien (May 7, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (May 7, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 8, 2011)

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


----------



## RabidAlien (May 8, 2011)

Right on!


----------



## Gnomey (May 8, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 8, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (May 9, 2011)

Wayne, men are from mars women from venus more proof


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 9, 2011)




----------



## javlin (May 10, 2011)

A Senior and a State Trooper




A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. 

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?

I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.

He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes,
today is Friday, if you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 10, 2011)

Heard it before but it is still funny Javlin!


----------



## RabidAlien (May 10, 2011)

Gotta love the seniors!


----------



## javlin (May 10, 2011)

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Pursian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Military Air Defense Radar a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.



Iranian Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."
Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."
Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up. I'll wait."
Air Defense Radar: (total silence)

WARMS MY HEART..........


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 10, 2011)

I like that!!!!!!!!


----------



## RabidAlien (May 11, 2011)

Booyah!


----------



## Wayne Little (May 11, 2011)

NICE....


----------



## mikewint (May 11, 2011)

You Betcha!!!


----------



## Gnomey (May 11, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 12, 2011)

A new supermarket opened in Fort Worth, Texas. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut Hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks, brats and franks.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread cookies.

But I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore...


----------



## javlin (May 12, 2011)

Thats good RA


----------



## Gnomey (May 12, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 12, 2011)




----------



## davparlr (May 13, 2011)

May be made up, but I laughed really hard!


> These are probably all fabricated, but still funny!!
>> 
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 
>> 
>>
>> Aviation Humor -
>>
>> Ah yes, communications between those on the ground and those in the air..................
>> 
>> 
>>
>> British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
>>
>> Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."
>>
>> Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Nova 851: " Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
>>
>> Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax , the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
>> Expect runway 06."
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
>> Pilot: Yes.
>> Tower: Yes what?
>> Pilot: Yes, SIR!
>>
>> ---------------------------
>>
>> Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt . We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
>>
>> Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110
>> knots.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
>>
>> Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
>>
>> Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
>>
>> Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?
>>
>> Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
>>
>> ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes, not years.'
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
>>
>> Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
>>
>> Controller: Oh, Oh, Sh*t! You have traffic!
>>
>> ---------------------
>>
>> O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
>>
>> USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
>>
>> O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
>>
>> USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
>>
>> ----------------------
>>
>> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
>>
>> Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
>>
>> ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
>>
>> ------------------------
>>
>> Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
>>
>> Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
>>
>> --------------------------
>>
>> Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
>>
>> ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
>>
>> -------------------------
>>
>> Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
>>
>> Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'
>>
>> --------------------
>>
>> Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
>>
>> Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
>>
>> Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
>>
>> -----------------------------
>>
>> Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
>>
>> American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
>>
>> Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
>>
>> Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
>>
>> BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
>>
>> Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
>>
>> ------------------------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
>>
>>  Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
>>
>> ---------------------------
>>
>> Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
>>
>> ---------------------------------
>>
>> Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
>>
>> -----------------------
>>
>> Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
>>
>> Pilot: 'More or less.'
>>
>> Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
>>
>> ----------------------------
>>
>> Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
>>
>> Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
>>
>> Tower: 'Affirmative.'
>>
>> Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!' 
>>
>> 
>>
>>


----------



## Airframes (May 13, 2011)

Good ones !


----------



## Gnomey (May 13, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 13, 2011)

Those were great!


----------



## BikerBabe (May 13, 2011)

Here's a lame one:

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. 
I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport----apparently you have to be driven there!

-----

Here's another one:

Lufthansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...." 
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUER!!!"


----------



## RabidAlien (May 13, 2011)

ROTFLMBO!!!!! Hadn't seen any of those...but Maria's "Achtung SPITFEUER!!!" has me rolling!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 14, 2011)

Wheels


----------



## Wayne Little (May 14, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (May 14, 2011)




----------



## BikerBabe (May 14, 2011)

The guy was sitting it out on a peaceful nightshift. Not much was happening - right until a Japanese airliner came into his area and started talking to him. 

All was fine at the beginning - bussines as usual. The the JAL captain says "Malmö control this is JAL1234, say my current postion from point such and such" 
ATC guy repsonds with a fix. 

5 minutes later the same thing. 
"Malmö control this is JAL1234 confirm my current postion from point such and such" 
ATC responds again. 

It goes on like that for three more times or so, and then there's a voice on comms, speaking with an american accent: 
"I wonder: How the hell _did_ they find Pearl Harbour?" 
JAL flight went silent until they acknowledged passing to another controller


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 14, 2011)

That's just wrong.


----------



## RabidAlien (May 14, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (May 14, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 15, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (May 15, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 16, 2011)

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Son, don't be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn't go well and I don't make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."


----------



## Wayne Little (May 16, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (May 16, 2011)

Motivation comes in many forms


----------



## Gnomey (May 16, 2011)

Advert from the Wiltshire Reporter: Rottweiler for sale. Perfect family pet. Eats anything and is especially fond of children.


----------



## RabidAlien (May 16, 2011)

Reminds me of one I heard: 

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy Rottweiler.


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 16, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (May 17, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 18, 2011)

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" 
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" 
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"


----------



## Gnomey (May 18, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 18, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 18, 2011)

Ah, well.....his way works too!


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 18, 2011)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (May 18, 2011)

*The French farm hand...*

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. 

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"


Wheels


----------



## Gnomey (May 19, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 19, 2011)




----------



## mikewint (May 20, 2011)

Nice


----------



## Glider (May 20, 2011)

Hell Hath No Fury


----------



## Gnomey (May 20, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 20, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (May 21, 2011)

Ouch.


----------



## mikewint (May 23, 2011)

Da*n those hidden cameras


----------



## Gnomey (May 23, 2011)

The Best Rapture Bomb Pictures


----------



## Airframes (May 23, 2011)

From my friend Bob Kirkpatrick (ex- Mosquito pilot) in Iowa.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 23, 2011)




----------



## javlin (May 24, 2011)

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered 
a phone call I'd forgotten to make. 

I found the number and dialed it. 

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' 

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 
'Get the right f***ing number!' … And the phone was slammed down on me. 

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. 

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. 

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an A**h***!' And hung up. 

I wrote his number down with the word 'A**h***' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. 

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an A**h***!' 

It always cheered me up. 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'A**h***' calling would have to stop. 

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. 
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with ourCaller ID Program?' 

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. 

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an A**h***!' And hung up. 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. 

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. 

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. 

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too. 

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' 

He said, 'Yes, it is.' 

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' 

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style houseAnd the car's parked right out in front.' 

I asked, 'What's your name?' 

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' 

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' 

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' 

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' 

He said, 'Yes?' 

I said, 'Don, you're an *******!' 

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. 

Then I came up with an idea... 

I called ******* #1. 

He said, 'Hello' 

I said, 'You're an *******!' (But I didn't hang up.) 

He asked, 'Are you still there?' 

I said, 'Yeah!' 

He screamed, 'Stop calling me' 

I said, 'Make me.' 

He asked, 'Who are you?' 

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' 

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' 

I said, '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and 
I have a black Beamer parked in front.' 

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. 
And you had better start saying your prayers.' 

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,' and hung up. 

Then I called ******* #2. 

He said, 'Hello?' 

I said, 'Hello, *******,' 

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' 

I said, 'You'll what?' 

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass' 

I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. 

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . 
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . 

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other 
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. 

NOW I feel much better. 

Anger management really does work.


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## RabidAlien (May 24, 2011)

Anger management means a full clip! 






A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

"Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the skipping."





today'sTHOT============================

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


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## Wayne Little (May 24, 2011)

Top one Kevin...


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## Gnomey (May 24, 2011)




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## mikewint (May 25, 2011)

Great ones guys, if only anger management would work that way
True story,
Many, many years ago I had a "friend" really screw me over. Went to a used book store and bought about 15 old books for about a buck each. Opened each and wrote. "This Book belongs to John Smith. 111 S Street, Chicago GL-8-2323 $25 reward if found." Went for several CTA rides through some of the worst Ghettos in Chicago leaving a book each time


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## RabidAlien (May 25, 2011)

Aw, man....that's frikkin BRILLIANT!!! LOL


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## vikingBerserker (May 26, 2011)

NICE!!!! LMAO


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## Wayne Little (May 27, 2011)

excellent Mike!


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## Gnomey (May 27, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 29, 2011)

Got these today. Several are extremely funny. To me anyway. 

Subject: Quickies




My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning. Can
you believe that? 2:30 AM! Luckily for him I was still up
playing my bagpipes.


I called 911 and said, "I think my wife is dead." The
operator asked, "How do you know?" I said, "The sex is the
same, but the ironing is building up."


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that
I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I
said, "You're pulling my leg."


My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly
my girlfriend yet.


I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed
to be going fine until the doctor stuck his index finger up
my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?


My wife said, "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back." I said, "What do you expect? You're in a
wheel chair!"


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you
get reincarnated, but you must come back as a different
creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow." 
I said, "You're obviously not listening." 


My wife has been missing for a week now. The police said
to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to
get all her clothes back.


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## Wayne Little (May 29, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (May 29, 2011)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2011)




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## futuredogfight (May 30, 2011)

There is a movie sign that has the following movies on it
My Neigbore
Cursed
My Dog Skip
Can you figure it out?


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## Wayne Little (May 31, 2011)

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


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## mikewint (May 31, 2011)

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman`s house. Superman said, "Hey, Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!"

Spiderman replied, "No can do. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it."

So rejected Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!"

Batman replies, "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it.

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than Wonder Woman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, and stark naked! Superman gets a brilliant idea...

"They've always said I'm "faster than a speeding bullet" and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her "Wonder Powers".

So, he zzoooooommms down and does her in a FLASH!!! and is gone before anyone can notice.

Startled Wonder Woman sits up and asks, "What was that!?!"

To which the Invisible Man replied as he sat up from laying between her legs, "I don't know but my ass hurts like hell!"


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## Gnomey (May 31, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (May 31, 2011)




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## Night Fighter Nut (May 31, 2011)

One night a burgler broke into a house while the owners were gone on vacation. While he was searching for valuables, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you..." 

This made the burgler freeze in his tracks and waits... Not hearing any other sound, he thinks it's just his imagination and continues to search. Later, while putting some valuables he found into a sack, he hears the voice again say, "Jesus is watching you..."

This time he's really spooked and he looks around in the dark. No one is there and all is silent again. He's about to start working again when the voice speaks a third time, "Jesus is watching you!" 

The burgler can't take anymore and turns on his flash light to find the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he is in, he sees a bird cage with a parrot inside. 

Laughing to himself for being scared, he askes the parrot " was that you?" The parrot replies, "Yes and Jesus is watching you!" 

Laughing again, he askes the bird, "What's your name?" to which the parrot says "Moses!" Smiling, the burgler askes, "What kind of people would name their bird Moses?" 

The parrot, bring its head a little closer to the burgler, replies...

"the same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus!"


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## mikewint (Jun 1, 2011)

How about an attack spider?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 1, 2011)

I like that one Mike!


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## mikewint (Jun 1, 2011)

GUTS OR BALLS
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the distinction between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the GUTS to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the but and having the BALLS to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the two definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.


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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 1, 2011)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Jun 1, 2011)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAA!!!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 2, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 2, 2011)

futuredogfight said:


> There is a movie sign that has the following movies on it
> My Neigbore
> Cursed
> My Dog Skip
> Can you figure it out?



Movies without endings?????


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 3, 2011)

MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS ISLAMIC TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from

.223 to .50 cal.


The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled
technician, who will also make the injection. 
No Anesthetic is required.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches
and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't
even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,


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## Gnomey (Jun 3, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 3, 2011)

LMAO, Nice Aaron!


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## RabidAlien (Jun 4, 2011)

Thanks, I needed a laugh!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2011)

President Bush gets out of his helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Nice pigs, Sir!"
Bush replies, "These are not pigs, these are Texan Razorback hogs! I got one for Vice-President Cheney and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Good trade, Sir!"


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## ToughOmbre (Jun 5, 2011)

*A WOMAN'S POEM....* 

Before I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray for a man who's not a creep, 
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long, 
One who thinks before he speaks, 
One who'll call, not wait for weeks. 
I pray he's rich and self-employed, 
And when I spend, won't be annoyed. 
Pull out my chair and hold my hand. 
Massage my feet and help me stand. 
Oh send a king to make me queen. 
A man who loves to cook and clean. 
I pray this man will love no other. 
And relish visits with my mother. 

*A MAN'S POEM.....* 

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and hunting. 

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

TO


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## Glider (Jun 5, 2011)

Wayne, that was great


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## Gnomey (Jun 5, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 5, 2011)

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.. Every time my husband
comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is
asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
came home drunk, I swished with water... I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water doesn't do anything at all. ... it's keeping your mouth shut that
does the trick...."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 5, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 6, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 7, 2011)

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" 

She replied: a can of peaches. 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. 

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

He said, " What is it? " 

"She also stole a can of peas," the Husband said.


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## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 7, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2011)

New technique for managing stress 
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest
psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater..
8. See! You're smiling already.


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## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 9, 2011)

Damn Wayne, your right, it DOES work!


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## RabidAlien (Jun 10, 2011)

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?





today'sTHOT============================

I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.


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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 11, 2011)

LMAO!


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## javlin (Jun 11, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 11, 2011)

Only in Tennessee.

An East Tennessee Highway Patrol pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty
taillight. 


When the Trooper approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the Trooper
his driver’s license, 


insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit. 

The Trooper took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr.. 
Shepherd, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" 

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a 
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot." 

The Trooper looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?" 

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat." 

The Trooper asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range 
and the man said he wasn't, so the Trooper bent over and looked into the 
driver's face and said "Mr. Shepherd, you're carrying quite a few guns. 




May I ask what you are afraid of? 

Mr. Shepherd locked eyes with the Trooper and calmly answered, 





"Not a DAMN thing!"


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 11, 2011)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Jun 11, 2011)

Right on.


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## javlin (Jun 11, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 12, 2011)




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## javlin (Jun 12, 2011)

It's OK


Treatment For Sunburn -



A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible

sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and

was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was

in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,

electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.



The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do

for him, Doctor'?



The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll

keep the sheets off his legs.'


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## Gnomey (Jun 13, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 13, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 14, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 14, 2011)

LMAO


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## javlin (Jun 16, 2011)

A blonde was shopping at Target 
Came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she
Bought the thermos took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles some coffee.'


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 16, 2011)

Nice!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 17, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 17, 2011)




----------



## A4K (Jun 17, 2011)

Good ones Kevin! 


An old one:

A man walks down a street and sees a poor boy dressed in rags, fishing for coins in a sewer drain. His heart fills with pity, and as he tosses him a coin, he asks 'how many have you caught, son?'
- 'you're the fifth' says the kid...


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## Gnomey (Jun 17, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 18, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 19, 2011)

A cowboy walks Into a barber’s shop, sits in the barber’s chair and says: ‘I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.’ The barber begins to lather the cowboy’s face and sharpen the old straight edge, while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen kneels down and begins to shine his shoes. The cowboy says: ‘Young lady, you and I should spend some time in a hotel room.’ She replies: ‘I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.’ 

The cowboy says: ‘Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.’ She answers: ‘You tell him. He’s the one shaving you.’


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 19, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jun 19, 2011)




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## javlin (Jun 19, 2011)

Thats good one Wayne  How about this have not seen it before 

A group of country friends from the BaptistChurch wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play 
games. 


The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it 

came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo 
all the others. 



Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, 

mushrooms are expensive. 

She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too 

high." 


He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick 

some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." 

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison.." 

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're 
OK. 


So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, 

washed, 

sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. 

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot 

(the yard dog) 

a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. 

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild 

mushrooms 

didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. 

The meal was 

a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady 

from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy 
little cap on her head. 



After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, 

and played 42 Mexican dominoes. 

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and 
whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just 
died." Janet 

went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she 

called the town doctor and told him what had happened. 

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take 
care of it. 

I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as 

quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump 
out everyone's 

stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." 

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was 

coming down the 

road. The EMTs the doctor had their suitcases, 

syringes, and a stomach pump. 


One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, 

gave them an 

enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one 

was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will 
be fine now, 

and he left." 
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the 

living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 

"You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even 
stopped.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 20, 2011)

On a more serious note.

Remember the Guy that Wouldn't take the Flag down

I love this....and this man certainly doesn't look 90 years old! Great soldier's
story... 
Head east from Carthage on Mississippi 16 toward Philadelphia . After a few miles a
sign says you’re in Edinburg . It’s a good thing the sign’s there, because
there’s no other way to
tell.
On June 15, 1919 , Van T. Barfoot was born in Edinburg -- probably didn’t make much
news back then. 
Twenty-five years later, on May 23, 1944 , near Carano , Italy , Van T. Barfoot, who
had enlisted in the Army in 1940, set out to flank German machine gun positions from
which fire was coming down on his fellow soldiers. He advanced through a minefield,
took out three enemy machine gun positions and returned
with 17 prisoners of war.

If that wasn’t enough for a day’s work, he
later took on and destroyed three German tanks sent to retake the machine gun
positions.

That probably didn’t make much news either, given the scope of the war, but it did
earn Van T. Barfoot, who retired as a colonel after also serving in Korea and
Vietnam , a Congressional Medal of Honor.


What did make news last week was a neighborhood association’s quibble with how the
90-year-old veteran chose to fly the American flag outside his
suburban
Virginia home. Seems the rules said a flag could be flown on a house-mounted
bracket, but, for decorum, items such as Barfoot’s 21-foot flagpole were
unsuitable.


He had been denied a permit for the pole, erected it anyway and was facing court
action if he didn’t take it down. Since the story made national TV, the
neighborhood association has rethought its position and agreed to indulge this old
hero who dwells among them.



“In the time I have left I plan to continue to fly the American flag without
interference,” Barfoot told The Associated Press.
As well he should.
And if any of his neighbors still takes a notion to contest him, they might want to
read his Medal of Honor citation. It indicates he’s not real good at backing
down.

Van T. Barfoot’s Medal of Honor citation: 


This 1944 Medal of Honor citation, listed with the National Medal of Honor Society,
is for Second Lieutenant Van T. Barfoot, 157th Infantry, 45th Infantry:
“For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the
call of duty on 23 May 1944 , near Carano , Italy . With his platoon
heavily
engaged during an assault against forces well entrenched on commanding ground, 2d
Lt. Barfoot moved off alone upon the enemy left flank. He crawled
to the proximity of 1 machinegun nest and made a direct hit on it with a hand
grenade, killing 2 and wounding 3 Germans. He continued along the German
defense line to another machinegun emplacement, and with his tommygun killed 2 and
captured 3 soldiers. Members of another enemy machinegun crew then abandoned their
position and gave themselves up to Sgt. Barfoot. Leaving the prisoners for his
support squad to pick up, he proceeded to mop up positions in the immediate area,
capturing more prisoners and bringing his total count
to
17. Later that day, after he had reorganized his men and consolidated the newly
captured ground, the enemy launched a fierce armored counterattack directly at his
platoon positions. Securing a bazooka, Sgt. Barfoot took up an exposed position
directly in front of 3 advancing Mark VI tanks. From a distance of 75 yards his
first shot destroyed the track of the leading tank, effectively disabling it,
while the other 2 changed direction toward the flank. As the crew of the disabled
tank dismounted, Sgt. Barfoot killed 3 of them with his tommygun. He continued
onward into enemy terrain and destroyed a recently abandoned German fieldpiece with
a demolition charge placed in the breech. While returning to his platoon position,
Sgt. Barfoot, though greatly fatigued by his
Herculean efforts, assisted 2 of his seriously wounded men 1,700 yards to a
position of safety.
Sgt. Barfoot’s extraordinary heroism, demonstration of magnificent valor, and
aggressive determination in the face of point blank fire are a perpetual inspiration
to his fellow soldiers.”

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, 
ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! IN GOD WE TRUST!


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## Airframes (Jun 20, 2011)

Great stuff Aaron ! If anyone insists he removes the flag (and pole) I hope he tells them to p*** off !


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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2011)

Good one Aaron


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## RabidAlien (Jun 20, 2011)

"Decorum" should mean that EVERY citizen have a 21' flag pole in their front yard. Offended by the flag of your (hopefully its yours) nation? Move.

  to Mr. Barfoot, for contributions in both wars (foreign and domestic)!


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## RabidAlien (Jun 21, 2011)

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 50 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 21, 2011)

Guys, my last post was a follow up to a thread I couldn't find. I was posted sometime last fall if I'm not mistaken. Not being able to find it I posted it here. I am very surprised that the court was in Mr. Barfoot's favor, but also EXTREMELY satisfied. It's about time.


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## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2011)

RA!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 21, 2011)

Some more I found: Freedom Is Just Another Word…

They sent my Census form back!
In answer to the question, "Do you have any dependents?",
I put"Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards,
the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 80,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in Texas,
leftovers in Texas from Katrina, half of freak’n Mexico, automotive workers,
some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a Muslim President!"
Apparently, this wasn’t an acceptable answer. 


**********


My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewelry to Lifeline or Vinnie’s.

Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn’t actually put it like that… she actually said…

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Lucky13." 


**********


The Recession Has Hit Everybody!

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 21, 2011)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 22, 2011)

....the bedroom joke, sure that is my son Aaron.....only he is 22 now.....


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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2011)

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. 

This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 25, 2011)

ROFLMAO!


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## javlin (Jun 25, 2011)

I liked that one also Wayne I have heard of such things (personal friends) of fathers slamming the door in the dates face when they show up to p/u the daughter 


Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' 

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' 

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..' 

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. 

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' 

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' 

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 

'Been in the business 60 years.' 

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. 

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' 

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. 

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'





New suit - $400 
New shirt - $36 
New underwear - $6 
Second Opinion - PRICELESS


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## Gnomey (Jun 25, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 26, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 26, 2011)

Just got this in an email:

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner.


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## javlin (Jun 26, 2011)

RA


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 26, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 27, 2011)




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## ToughOmbre (Jun 29, 2011)

*Subject: Rearing Daughters*

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to Lifeline or Vinnies. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".

Well, she didn't actually put it like that, she actually said.....


"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

TO


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## syscom3 (Jul 1, 2011)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead said,





Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 1, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 1, 2011)

Aaaaand the price is now $5000. In Susan B. Anthonies.


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 2, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 2, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2011)




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## Geedee (Jul 5, 2011)

I couldn’t find the thingy that you use to peel potatoes and carrots so I asked the kids if they’d seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday !!!


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## RabidAlien (Jul 5, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 5, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 5, 2011)




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## A4K (Jul 5, 2011)

I like it...


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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 6, 2011)

Excellent!


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 6, 2011)

LMAO


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## evangilder (Jul 6, 2011)

Daughter: Hey Mom i'm going to my room with my boyfriend.
Mom: Okay but don't do anything stupid!

*Gf and Bf go into bedroom*

Daughter screams: Baby, baby, baby ohh!
*Mom runs into her room*
Mom:What in gods name are you doing?!!
Daughter: Mom, we were having sex! Get out!
Mom: Oh thank god, I thought you were listening to Justin Bieber!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 7, 2011)




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## Geedee (Jul 7, 2011)

Life in the Australian Army....

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! 
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! 
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 7, 2011)

NICE!


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## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2011)




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## imalko (Jul 7, 2011)

Practice makes perfect...?


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## Airframes (Jul 7, 2011)

Love the Aussie army one, and the grenade throwing video is a great example of the dangers of grenades in woodland. Danger to the thrower that is ! (note how poorly positioned the trench is too!)


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## Thorlifter (Jul 7, 2011)

Several good ones there!!!


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 7, 2011)

I like it how he just looks down at it


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 7, 2011)

Me to VB, it's like, should I pick up hhmmmmm.


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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2011)




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## javlin (Jul 8, 2011)

Alittle dry humor about Life:

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And again God agreed......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.




Life has now been explained to you.


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 8, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 8, 2011)

Arf.


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## Wayne Little (Jul 10, 2011)

makes sense...


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## Wayne Little (Jul 11, 2011)

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, 
her relatives came to visit. ''May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see t! he new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" 

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. 

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" 

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him."


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## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 11, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 11, 2011)




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## javlin (Jul 11, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 11, 2011)




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## beaupower32 (Jul 12, 2011)

Pierre and Boudreaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office -- you know ... the Louisiana State Unemployment Office -- so that Pierre and Boudreaux could get some money from the State while out of a job. 
So Pierre and Boudreaux went to the LSU office. 

As Pierre waited, Boudreaux sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there. 

"And what was your former occupation?" she asked. 

"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied. 

So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week." 

"You mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I kin get $50 a week. Man, dats betta den crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted. 

Then Pierre sat down and the lady asked him the same question. 

Pierre looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was one a dem diesel fitters." 

She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits." 

"Wait a minute!" Boudreaux shouted. "Mais, how come Pierre gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An Pierre here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more dan me?!" 

"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around." 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got dat all wrong. Yeah, Pierre's a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks 'em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"


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## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 12, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 12, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 12, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 12, 2011)

Got this in the E-mail.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and
said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker 
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" 

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD or no Heaven or
Hell or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. 

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. 
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse
produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" 

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it
and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." 

To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there
is no GOD or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death, when you don't know ****?" 

And then she went back to reading her book. 

The End


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## javlin (Jul 12, 2011)

Thats good Aaron


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## javlin (Jul 12, 2011)

How the phrase "you got to shi#@'in me" came about



Well, it just so happens, this phrase has its roots deeply involved with the Father of Our country. On the evening of December 25, 1776, when General George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his 33 troops, Washington 's boat encountered trouble. 

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. 

Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. 

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. 

A big gust of wind and a wave hit the boat and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware river. Washington and his troops searched franticly for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, to no avail. Washington and his men felt terrible, Corporal Peters had been one of their best. 

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, cold, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. 

Sometime later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. 

What they didn't know was that this house, was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. 

Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. 

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. 

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.' 

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many of you are there?' 

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .' 

To which the Madam replied………. 'You gotta be [email protected]%in me.'


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## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 13, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 13, 2011)




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## javlin (Jul 13, 2011)

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. 

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly; he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. 
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' 
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 13, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 14, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 14, 2011)




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## v2 (Jul 15, 2011)

A Decard, Tennessee farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.


A boy, about 9, opened the door


"Is your Dad home?"


"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."


"Well, is your Mother here?"


"No sir, she went to town with Dad."


"How about your brother, Tommy? Is he here?"


"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."


"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Tommy getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy thought for a moment.


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Tommy".


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## RabidAlien (Jul 15, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 15, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 15, 2011)




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## javlin (Jul 15, 2011)




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## VBF-13 (Jul 15, 2011)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you endeavor to explain away by saying you win money gambling. I'm not that sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment. "Okay, go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment, then says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney, right there, as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars I can stand on one side of your desk and urinate into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully at the desk and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt; so, he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants but although he strains mightily he can't quite make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head down in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, you see, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars he could come in here and urinate all over your desk, and you'd be happy about it!"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 15, 2011)




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## javlin (Jul 15, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 16, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 17, 2011)

Here's another. May have been posted before not sure.


BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT !
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was 
God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine
12. God must love stupid people; He made so man.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few!


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 17, 2011)

LMAO!


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## RabidAlien (Jul 18, 2011)

Lots of truth in there, too...


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## Wayne Little (Jul 18, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 18, 2011)

Even knowing this is a joke, it still makes me shudder...


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## v2 (Jul 19, 2011)

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "****, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


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## Wayne Little (Jul 19, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 19, 2011)




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## javlin (Jul 19, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 19, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 20, 2011)

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression " Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets." The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!


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## javlin (Jul 20, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 20, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 20, 2011)




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## Njaco (Jul 20, 2011)

A woman called a hospital very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The ER nurse reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

The nurse told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 21, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2011)

Ooops!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 22, 2011)

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. 
He asks, What are you doing?
She answers, I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.


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## javlin (Jul 22, 2011)

....


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## Geedee (Jul 22, 2011)

Was looking for that thingie that you use to peel carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids.


Apparently, she left left me yesterday


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 22, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 22, 2011)

GARY........YOUR KILLING ME!!!!!LMAO!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2011)

Thin Ice Gary! Seems you crashed through it!...


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 23, 2011)

Those made me laugh...and cry...and laugh....and.......


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 24, 2011)

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and 

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, 
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned 
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff." 
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,

"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,

ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

drank the milk,,,,,,,,, 

messed on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

had sex with the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,

put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 24, 2011)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Jul 24, 2011)

that's a talented cat.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 24, 2011)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Jul 25, 2011)

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

Son says "at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?"

"Toy Story."

Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps the mom.....

TO


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## javlin (Jul 25, 2011)

Some goods ones Gary Wayne and RA


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## pbfoot (Jul 25, 2011)

Thing you'll never see
A pedophile speeding through a school zone


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 25, 2011)

That's just WRONG Niel!


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 27, 2011)

Still funny though!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 27, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 28, 2011)

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."


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## Wayne Little (Jul 28, 2011)

Even the Missus cackled at that one...


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 28, 2011)

Anyone know the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are WANTED.


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## javlin (Jul 28, 2011)

Good ones Guys.....Got this in an email kinda cute and Guys I am sorry about Wayne he will be absent for awhile once his wife catches him looking at the email I sent 


A Cowboy walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying ....... "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection. It causes me a lot of
problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

One-third ownership in the store

A company pickup truck

Two home cooked dinners a week

And $3,000 a month in living expenses."


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 28, 2011)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Jul 28, 2011)

Hold out for $5000. Just sayin'.


----------



## Glider (Jul 29, 2011)

TRUE STORY FROM Rolls Royce's OWN MAGAZINE 


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story) 


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. 

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. 




You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: 


"Defrost the chicken."


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## Wayne Little (Jul 29, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2011)




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## javlin (Jul 29, 2011)

Not a joke but a nice little tidbit about life Enjoy!

A Mayonnaise Jar and Two Beers.... 

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.. 

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. 

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. 
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. 

Set your priorities.....The rest is just sand. 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented... The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 30, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Jul 30, 2011)




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## Airframes (Jul 30, 2011)

That - I like !


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 31, 2011)

That was pretty cool!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 1, 2011)

A neighbor said to me, "Dude, you look tired."

"I am," I replied. "I just finished doing 50 push-ups."

"Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?"

"Well, I did the first one in 1986."


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## ToughOmbre (Aug 1, 2011)

*WARNING*

The government announced today that it's changing it's *WARNING* label for *CONDOMS*, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

*WARNING: A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that*

TO


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 1, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 1, 2011)




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## javlin (Aug 1, 2011)

An old married couple was at home watching TV.


The husband had the remote and was switching back 
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You 

already know how to fish!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 2, 2011)

Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."


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## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 2, 2011)

A gynecologist, fed up with years of bad patients, impending lawsuits, federal regulations and looming Obamacare, decided to toss in the towel and make a career switch. He decided to pursue auto mechanics, an area that he had dabbled in on occasion with his own vehicles, theorizing that his 25 years as a gynecologist had given him a fairly good manual dexterity and memory for what parts go where. So he enrolled in the local tradeschool. He studied diligently and practiced what he had learned at every opportunity, but was still rather nervous when the time for the final exam came. The exam came in two parts, a written portion and a practical. When the results were posted, he noticed that his name was on the top of the class standings, with a 100% in the written and a 150% in the practical. Fearing a typo, he went to speak with his instructor about the grades. 

"No, the scores are correct," replied the instructor. "You aced the written test, blowing away all of the other students, most of whom are 20 years younger than yourself. I was especially interested to see how you would fare in the practical exam. It was graded on two portions, each worth 50%. You were to disassemble the motor and put it back together again. You performed both flawlessly, and that engine is running better than the day it rolled out of the assembly plant."

"So...why did you give me a 150% on the exam?"

"Well...in all the years I've been mucking around with engines, you're the first person to take apart and put and engine back together...going entirely through the muffler."


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## Wayne Little (Aug 3, 2011)

Good one!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 3, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Aug 3, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 5, 2011)

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter. 

The Instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. 

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio. 

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods. 

The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. 

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage. 

"What happened?" the Instructor asked! "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?" 

"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan."


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## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 6, 2011)

Another E-mail.

The Green Thing--You WILL Love the Thing 


In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. 

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and other bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. 

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. 

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. 

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. 
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. 
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

The Green Thing


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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2011)




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## Airframes (Aug 6, 2011)

Good one Aaron !


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## RabidAlien (Aug 6, 2011)

Heh.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 7, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 7, 2011)

How many does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What is a light bulb?

Athiest: There is no bulb.

Westboro: None. God hated your light bulb, and we prefer to be in the dark anyway.


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## Gnomey (Aug 7, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 7, 2011)

·Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.
.A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
·He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
·Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
·Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
·He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
·He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
·'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
·'They're mating,' her father replied.
·'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
· A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
·'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
·As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
·'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
·'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that **** here in Texas ."


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## Airframes (Aug 7, 2011)

Splutter! (Cleans coffee off monitor screen).


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 8, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 8, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2011)




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## Geedee (Aug 10, 2011)

Extracts from genuine letters written to local councils in the UK:


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.


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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2011)




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## javlin (Aug 10, 2011)

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 10, 2011)

@Gary: #22 

@javelin:


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## RabidAlien (Aug 11, 2011)

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”


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## Wayne Little (Aug 11, 2011)

Nice Guys!


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2011)




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## javlin (Aug 11, 2011)

Indian Wanting Coffee: 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun 
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 

ï


"Want coffee." 

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." 
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... 
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, 
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, 
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, and then just walks out. 
The next morning the Indian returns. 
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling 
Another male buffalo with the other. 
He walks up to the counter and says to 
The waiter: 




"Want coffee." 
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" 
The Indian smiles and proudly says, 

"Training for position in United States Congress: 
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, 
Leave mess for others to clean up, 
Disappear for rest of day."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 11, 2011)

********
(true story)
I went to the gym again today, hell-bent on my 6-month goal of actually seeing my toes again. Got up on the elliptical trainer, as usual, punched in my workout routine, and set off. 30 minutes later, I was done (or done for, one of the two). While gathering up my ID, mp3 player, water bottle, drivers license and truck key, the screen on the elliptical flipped back to the standard "Start Here" screen, and I just happened to be staring at the legal disclaimer (because heaven forbid it not be there)...specifically, at the part that said "if you experience pain, nausea, dizzyness, or shortness of breath, cease operation immediately." "Well, crap", I thought..."isn't that the signs of a good workout? I was at that point 27 minutes ago!"


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## Wayne Little (Aug 12, 2011)




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## javlin (Aug 12, 2011)

An old man in the south was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pu**y willow."


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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 12, 2011)

Replied the old man, "Hang on, boys....lemme grab my hat."






********************************************************


An instructor was running a class for pregnant women, attended by some of their men as well.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Larry at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


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## javlin (Aug 12, 2011)

Thats good RA 


heres another a shorty

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded
up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux.
“Send da lawn off to be mowed."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 13, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 13, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 14, 2011)

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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## ToughOmbre (Aug 14, 2011)

*Number 10 *
Life is sexually transmitted.

*Number 9 *
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

*Number 8 *
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

*Number 7 *
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

*Number 6* 
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

*Number 5* 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

*Number 4* 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

*Number 3 *
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

*Number 2* 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

*And The Number 1 Thought *
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. 

*.....and as someone recently said to me..... *

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

TO


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 14, 2011)

Wayne Little said:


> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



He could. But then he would be back on the mainland, instead of stuck on a tropical island with MaryAnne.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 14, 2011)

Good one TO! 
True RA, true!


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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 15, 2011)

RabidAlien said:


> He could. But then he would be back on the mainland, instead of stuck on a tropical island with MaryAnne.



Good point!


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## Wayne Little (Aug 18, 2011)

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local RAF base came in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be £2000, please."
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can rig aircraft flight controls, pass the RAF fitness test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. it's well worth the money."
The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more expensive! £10000!! What does it do?", he asked.
"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer' monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed."
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. This time the price tag was £50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually," said the shopkeeper,"I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's a Pilot."


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 18, 2011)




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## Ratsel (Aug 18, 2011)

how much coke did Charlie Sheen snort? enough to kill 2 1/2 men! (ha ha)


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 18, 2011)

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the
two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand. 
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE FINISHED. I beg
to differ because, there is : 
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE". 
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"! 
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 19, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 19, 2011)




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## javlin (Aug 19, 2011)

some of these are pretty good 

Why did the chicken cross the road? 

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! 

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! 

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. 

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. 

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. 

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? 

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. 

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. 

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. 

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. 

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. 

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. 

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. 

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. 

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. 

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. 

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road. 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. 

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. 

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? 

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 19, 2011)

I know its coming. Every time I read that "chicken crossing the road" bit, I know its there, waiting. Names have been added, one or two removed from the list. They're all pretty funny. But, lurking there at the end of the list...the Colonel Sanders bit ALWAYS makes me bust out laughing!


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## Wayne Little (Aug 20, 2011)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried.

"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it's now £150."


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## RabidAlien (Aug 20, 2011)

Economic woes:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ounce.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s name.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


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## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 21, 2011)




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## Matt308 (Aug 21, 2011)

A real woman is a man's best friend. 

She will never stand him up and never let him down. 

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and 

comfort him after a bad day. 

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; 

to live without fear and forget regret. 

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give 

in to his most intimate desires. 

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most 

handsome man in the room and will enable him to be 

the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... 




No wait...Sorry. 




I'm thinking of whiskey. 

It's whiskey that does all that sh|t. 

Never mind


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## RabidAlien (Aug 21, 2011)

**************************

(received in an email this morning...its hard to stifle a laugh in the middle of church...)

The Complexities of the English Language



Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters? 



Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"? 



And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?





And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants", and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses, and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass people with you."




Now how weird is that?


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## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2011)




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## Ratsel (Aug 21, 2011)

Last weekend at a Pistol Pawn Shop I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt

pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be

short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea

is to allow my wife — who would never consider a gun —–adequate

time to retreat to safety. ————-WAY TOO COOL!!



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two

triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

disappointed. But then I read (yes, ‘read’) that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch

of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I’d know it

was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to what that

burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone

with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with

only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat

looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the

directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a

flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping my cat

(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife

to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it

would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts

and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of

my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said

that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a

two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of

bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer

than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I’m sitting there alone, My cat looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, ‘don’t do it,’ reasoning that a one-second burst

from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to

give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ..

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs.

This is just about as funny as the Texas Hot BBQ contest…..

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser,

that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A

minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected what little wits I had left,

sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the

mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right

thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking

for my testicles!! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.


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## Bernhart (Aug 22, 2011)

adding to why the chicken crossed the road one....to show the racoon,groundhog,armadillo, (your pick of animals frequently found dead on the road) that it could be done!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 22, 2011)

Ahhh, the armadillo....the Texas Speedbump!


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## RabidAlien (Aug 23, 2011)

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."


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## Wayne Little (Aug 23, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2011)




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## javlin (Aug 23, 2011)

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. 

For those of you who fall into this category - please take note of the following statement . . . . . . .

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?


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## RabidAlien (Aug 24, 2011)




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## Geedee (Aug 24, 2011)

Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round.
His friends all chimed in and said,
"Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first player says,
"Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, 
"I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third man says 
"Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the Rse and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! 
It's a great morning for sex or golf,” and all she said was, “You'll need a jumper!”


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## Wayne Little (Aug 24, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2011)




----------



## javlin (Aug 24, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 24, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 25, 2011)




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## beaupower32 (Aug 25, 2011)

A man running for the restroom uses the ladies room in a posh hotel by accident, he sits down and notices 4 buttons-WW,WA,PP and ATR. curious he presses WW he gets gently sprayed with warm water, then he presses WA and a blast of warm air dries him. he then presses PP and gets a powder puff which leaves him smellin fresh. Feeling pampered he presses ATR..He wakes up in the hospital and asks the nurse what happened. Shes says ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover, your p**** is under the pillow


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## RabidAlien (Aug 26, 2011)

ouch


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## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2011)




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## javlin (Aug 26, 2011)

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."


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## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 27, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 27, 2011)

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, “Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?”

He replied, “They had eggs.”


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## Gnomey (Aug 27, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 28, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 28, 2011)

If this is to political one of the mods can delete it but this hit home for me.

Let the games begin!

Robert E. Lee watched as his friends died in the Civil War, my grandfather watched
as his friends died in WW II, and my father watched as my friends died in Vietnam . 

None of them died for the Mexican Flag. 

Everyone died for the U.S. flag. 

In Texas , a student raised a Mexican flag on a school flag pole; another student
took it down. Guess who was expelled...the kid who took it down. 

Kids in high school in California were sent home on Cinco de Mayo because they wore
T-shirts with the American flag printed on them. 

Enough is enough. 

The below e-mail message needs to be viewed by every American; and every American
needs to stand up for America . 


We've bent over to appease the America-haters long enough. 
I'm taking a stand.
I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this
country, and for the U.S. flag can't stand up. 

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message. 


Let me make this perfectly clear!








THIS IS MY COUNTRY!

And, because I make This statement 
DOES NOT
Mean I'm against immigration!!! 
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY!

Welcome! To come through legally:

1. Get a sponsor!

2. Get a place to lay your head! 

3.Get a job! 

4.Live ByOURRules!

5.Pay YOURTaxes!
And 

6.Learn theLANGUAGElike immigrants have in the past!!!
AND 

7.Please don't demand that we hand over our lifetime savings of Social Security
Funds to you. 


If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone,

Then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!


When will AMERICANS STOP giving awayTHEIR RIGHTS???

We've gone so far the other way... 

bent over backwards not to offend anyone. 

But it seems no one cares about the

AMERICAN CITIZEN

that's being offended!


WAKE UP America !!! 



If You agree.... Pass this on.


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## javlin (Aug 28, 2011)

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait
until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do"
his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." 
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."


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## Wayne Little (Aug 29, 2011)

go Johhny!


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 29, 2011)




----------



## javlin (Aug 29, 2011)

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can bothfit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.


----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 30, 2011)

*****************************


WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh



***************************************


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## Wayne Little (Aug 30, 2011)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2011)

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 30, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Aug 30, 2011)

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, ‘What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?’
The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’
While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again! As she ran she once again began to pray,
‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please
don’t shove me either!’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.’ The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing.
My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100.’
The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive,
I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy
father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
‘Thou shall not kill..’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said,
‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little
Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side.
I think I’m going to have a wife.’


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 30, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## javlin (Aug 30, 2011)

This is one you have to listen A drunk Scot in a Kilt


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ35SOU9HTM_


----------



## Glider (Aug 31, 2011)

13 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio 

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

13. The bowlers Holding the batsmans Willey. 
For those outside the UK it was a Cricket broadcast, where the bowler name was Michael Holding and the Batsmans name was Peter Willey


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## Gnomey (Aug 31, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 1, 2011)

I'd eat beaver, too, if I could get it.


***********************


A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'M William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."


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## Wayne Little (Sep 1, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 2, 2011)

Top Eleven Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That 
Darn Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might hurt a little."


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2011)




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## beaupower32 (Sep 2, 2011)

Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So do 24 cans of beer
they're half the price."


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## RabidAlien (Sep 2, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 2, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 2, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 3, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 3, 2011)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 3, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 4, 2011)

911 calls


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is ...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn, I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 4, 2011)

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name was.
He replied, “She is called ‘Five Horses’.”
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”
"Its an old Indian name. It means...

... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG.”


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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2011)

pmsl!


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 4, 2011)

Lucky13 said:


> pmsl!



 We aim to please!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 5, 2011)

The train was quite crowded and a U. S.. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in thewrong hand. 
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 5, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 5, 2011)

Gotta love the Brits!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 5, 2011)

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. 









Before the procedure a rather attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then
tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs
him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her
clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. 

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all
about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a
vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the
vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to complete. 

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down
the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks
"What are they doing in there"? 

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross/Blue
Shield and they have Obama Care."


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 5, 2011)

Hope for the future generation!



This is one of the best original pranks I have ever heard of. All
it takes is a group of kids to come up with something like this. 




At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides
of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3


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## Gnomey (Sep 5, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 5, 2011)

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit..
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa de pig that did this to you? I wanna know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells
them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.
‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores,
a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and
tells him
"You a-gonna try again!"


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## RabidAlien (Sep 5, 2011)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (x3)


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## Wayne Little (Sep 6, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 8, 2011)

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN! 
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of
feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into
the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, ! "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna
cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and
said ..... 

"Nope....You are! 
I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 8, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 8, 2011)

...ouch...


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 9, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 12, 2011)

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 12, 2011)




----------



## razor1uk (Sep 12, 2011)

Some real rib strainers there  and some lump in the throaters too  (tsk tsk, no not that sort of lump I might add you naughty people).

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM_


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## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2011)




----------



## v2 (Sep 13, 2011)

German tourist arrives at french airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The german replies: "No, no, just visiting!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 13, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 13, 2011)

Short but sweet!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 14, 2011)

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" 

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" 

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" 

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" 

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." 

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to 80?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 14, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 14, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 17, 2011)

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.


----------



## razor1uk (Sep 17, 2011)

roflmao..

What is better the tulips on a piano?

Tulips on your organ.


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 17, 2011)

How can you tell if a woman's wearing panty hose?

Her ankles swell up when she farts.


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 17, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 18, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 19, 2011)

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

Caution. They Walk Among Us


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 19, 2011)

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.

OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

OR
You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 19, 2011)

Sign posted in an Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, girls! He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders."


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2011)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 19, 2011)

I just started my new job as a bin man. I didn't know what I was doing at first, but I picked it up as I went along...


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 19, 2011)

Very punny!


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 20, 2011)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 21, 2011)

What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose-A and Hose-B


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2011)




----------



## 102first_hussars (Sep 21, 2011)

Wow hard to beleive this thing is still going


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 21, 2011)

Santa Ana comes marching up to the Alamo one morning, followed by his 10,000 strong Mexican army. Crockett and Bowie are standing up on the wall, drinking coffee. Seeing the army arrayed before them, Bowie took a sip of coffee, then leaned over to Crockett and asked: "Are we pouring concrete today?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 22, 2011)

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely ed. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."



today'sTHOT============================

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 22, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 22, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 23, 2011)

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." 

"How soon can I go home?"


----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 23, 2011)

Genuinely didn't see that coming, very good!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2011)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 23, 2011)

She was only a road mender's daughter, but she certainly liked her ass-felt...


----------



## ToughOmbre (Sep 23, 2011)

*THE TAVERN*

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring him another double martini. 

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." 

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

TO


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 23, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 24, 2011)




----------



## the lancaster kicks ass (Sep 25, 2011)

A boy was curious about war so asked his granddad what he did in WWII, he said 'I did illustrations for the press, I caught the doodle-bug'

He then asked his dad what he did in Vietnam, he replied 'I would predict if a soldier would die a horrible, fiery death- I was a na-palm reader'


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 25, 2011)

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 25, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 25, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 26, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 26, 2011)

AND he didn't spill a drop in all the commotion!!


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2011)




----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 27, 2011)

“The bitterest tear shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone”


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 28, 2011)

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" 
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. 
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.
Next!"


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2011)




----------



## Crimea_River (Sep 28, 2011)

Wayne Little said:


> "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."




...and it works best when blowing on maximum!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 28, 2011)

LMAO!


----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 29, 2011)




----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 29, 2011)

“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 1, 2011)

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... “You missed the bloody putt, didn’t you?”


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 1, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 1, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 2, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 2, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 3, 2011)

Situational Awareness Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 3, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 3, 2011)

Wayne's had to much to drink.........or not enough.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 4, 2011)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> Wayne's had to much to drink.........or not enough.



How the hell do i get off this merry-go-round....


----------



## Crimea_River (Oct 4, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 6, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 6, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 6, 2011)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 6, 2011)

“The soldier, above all other people, prays for peace, for he must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.”


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 7, 2011)

not your comment Jan, RA's...


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 9, 2011)

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 9, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Oct 12, 2011)

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,
My nose is cold.' 

The girl replied 
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My 'old man'..._edited _!.. is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks,
'Have you ever heard of an 'old man'?'

Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 12, 2011)




----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 12, 2011)

*The graveside service* 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 

'Well......she's there.'

----------------------------------------------------------------




Wheels


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 12, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 12, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 13, 2011)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2011)

Bl**dy true!!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 13, 2011)

Let's start now Lucky!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 13, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 14, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 14, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 14, 2011)

Talk about a waste of technology,.......so whats new.


----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 14, 2011)

Waste? WASTE??? C'mon...the thing went *ding*!!!! That's, like, the PEAK of technological innovation! Its one step beyond the machine in the hospital in "The Meaning of Life" by Monty Python....that one only went *bing*.


----------



## syscom3 (Oct 14, 2011)

How to identify a meth lab.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 15, 2011)

That's pretty good Syscom.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 16, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 16, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 16, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 16, 2011)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Wurger (Oct 16, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2011)




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## Matt308 (Oct 17, 2011)

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving 
his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching 
the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never 
taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a
tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. 
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the 
midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and 
kills them. 

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent 
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each
other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? 

The chief replied,
"My bike."


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 17, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Oct 17, 2011)

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of
the goat first.

I hope you appreciate this update.


----------



## syscom3 (Oct 18, 2011)

at both jokes.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 18, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 18, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 19, 2011)

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. 

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. 

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." 

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What in the world was that for?" 

She replied, "Your horse called"!


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 19, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2011)

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


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## Crimea_River (Oct 21, 2011)

Ha! Would I love to have that on my voicemail at work. That would certainly lead to some changes in my life!

A man is driving along an country road and picks up a hitch hiker. The hitch hiker gets in and after exchanging pleasantries notices a paper bag with a bottle in it beside the seat.

"is that a bottle of booze?" he asks the driver.

"Yeah, I got it for my wife" is the reply.

"Wow", he says. "Good trade!"


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## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 21, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 23, 2011)

Paradox: 
What you need two apples a day for.


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## syscom3 (Oct 23, 2011)

Crimea_River said:


> "is that a bottle of booze?" he asks the driver.
> 
> "Yeah, I got it for my wife" is the reply.
> 
> "Wow", he says. "Good trade!"



LOL!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 24, 2011)

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you!"

But the girl said "NO!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She replied, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.


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## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 24, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 1, 2011)

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at the airport and a fellow in line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.

He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole." I confessed.


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## Gnomey (Nov 1, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 1, 2011)

That's how I play!


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## Wayne Little (Nov 2, 2011)




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## BikerBabe (Nov 9, 2011)

I've just discovered author Florian Meimberg's Tiny Tales (Max 140 characters), which I think is rather funny. 
Some examples:

"The anchor cleared his throat. That would be a news flash of a different kind. He held his weapon under the table. Red light."

"Nausea, sudden violent hunger, missing period. There was no doubt. Maria cleared her throat. "Joseph, we've got to talk!"

"Every single head of state had come together to greet the extraterrestrial visitors. Exactly how they had planned it: all in one place."

"He had crossed the sea. By foot. Somehow he had to sell that. He gathered his 12 best friends."

""The crop circles. Stonehenge. Michael Jackson. All for nothing." grunted the Alien Lord. And put the Earth on the list after all."

""Sorry. I have a boyfriend." Eve lied. She didn't like the guy from the get-go. 
"Bummer", Adam mumbled and vanished back into the woods."

"Lisa couldn't forget the joke. She had to resist laughing, had to sit still. Da Vinci concentrated on painting."


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## RabidAlien (Nov 10, 2011)

Ha! That last one is great! You go, Lisa!


----------



## evangilder (Nov 10, 2011)

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.


She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."


So, Here I am.


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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 11, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 11, 2011)




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## javlin (Nov 11, 2011)

This is FUNNY......


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## Airframes (Nov 12, 2011)

This one is better when spoken:
A guy goes to the doctor and says "Please help me, I'm convinced I'm a piglet".
Doctor replies "What makes you think that then?"
"Well", answers the man, "I keep rolling round in s**t, snuffling along the ground with my nose and so on".
"And how long has this bee going on?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, about a weeeeeeeek!"


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## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 12, 2011)

Dang. And I thought MY jokes were bad! LOL


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 12, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 13, 2011)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 14, 2011)

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. 

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."


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## RabidAlien (Nov 14, 2011)

LOL


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 14, 2011)




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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2011)

Heard this on the radio today.



> Country borrowing rates are like lager. Once they get above 7% you know they are going to collapse...


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## razor1uk (Nov 15, 2011)

lol, sounds quite accurate too Gnomey...

[quote="Space: Above and Beyond" The Angriest Angel (1996)]
Commodore Glen Van Ross: Chance? Colonel, even if the device in your thick skull does not full on 
erupt during ACM, it would at the very least stress your temporal lobe 
to the point of loss of consciousness, seizure and death! I refuse to 
hand the Chigs a 'gimmie'! 

Commodore Glen Van Ross: I'll be a son of a b*tch if I go to your funeral, Ty.

Lt. Col. Tyrus Cassius "TC" McQueen: Yes you would sir. But we'll talk about your mother when I get back.[/quote]


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## Geedee (Nov 15, 2011)

Research has shown there are 7 kinds of sex: 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. - This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. - This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. - This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex - This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. - This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. - This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. - You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 15, 2011)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 15, 2011)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 15, 2011)




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## razor1uk (Nov 15, 2011)

8) muhuhaga  somehow I can't help but feel I know a few of those too well...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 15, 2011)

5 Minute Management Course 

Lesson 1 : 

A priest offered a Nun a lift. 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.. 

The priest nearly had an accident. 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg... 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory.' 

Moral of the story: 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 

Lesson 2 : 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp. 

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just
one wish.' 




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the
love of my life.' Poof! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those
two back in the office after lunch.' 

Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say. 

Lesson 3 


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.. 

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 


Lesson 4 


A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full
of nutrients.' 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 

The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch.. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story: 
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... 

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and 
fell to the ground into a large field. 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm
he was.. 

The dung was actually thawing him
out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat
heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him. 

Moral of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut! 

THUS ENDS 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE. Send this to at least, five bright
people who have enough sense of humor to take it .


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 16, 2011)

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

“Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!”

Ground control received her call for help and answers back, “Don’t worry, madam. We’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position.”

“I’m 5"2’ and sitting in the right front seat.”

Ground control: “Repeat after me: Our Father... who art in Heaven...”


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 16, 2011)

Good ones guys.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 16, 2011)




----------



## Bernhart (Nov 17, 2011)

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims,'Here's a picture of me Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn'tlike his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go thereand look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed thinking he was up to no good as he alwaysseemed to have a smile on his face when he left the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.'


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 17, 2011)




----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 17, 2011)

A man asks his friend, "Ever wake up feeling grumpy?"

"Naw", comes the reply, "I usually just let her sleep."


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 17, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 18, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Nov 18, 2011)

Oh yeah....how true !!!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 18, 2011)

Very true Gary, very true.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 18, 2011)




----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 18, 2011)

Ah yes, Cuervo, my least favourite mouthwash!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 18, 2011)

Someone should really do something about that curb. That poor felon!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 18, 2011)

(Mods, I thought this was hilarious, but if its too political, please delete!!!)

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky .
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted a farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered.
"I done buried ‘em all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't...
But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.."


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 18, 2011)

both of'em RA!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 18, 2011)

LMAO That first one is AWESOME!


----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 19, 2011)

Both of 'em....


----------



## Airframes (Nov 19, 2011)

Yep!


----------



## rochie (Nov 19, 2011)

very funny


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 19, 2011)

That curb must have had a 10 foot drop off.


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2011)

Crimea_River said:


> That curb must have had a 10 foot drop off.



Yeah. To the first ledge. Then a couple of bounces to the next...then...I mean, really, who puts the parking lot of an electronics store right on the edge of the Grand Canyon?


----------



## razor1uk (Nov 19, 2011)

RA, the 'falling off the curb' one reminds me of Crocodile Dundee 'Thats not a knife... this is a knife.' scene...
But fair enough to em for pitchin' in, and for the cops not being too analytical.




We could make jokes how Marines need more than 3 inches to feel something, but lets not go there since they sometimes travel on ships full of seamen ( seawomen), so they get enough of stick already...


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2011)

Dundee...the Australian Marine. Everybody else is just for backup.


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2011)

Lemme rephrase that, since I meant absolutely no disrespect towards the Marines (of any nation), and my comment could be mis-construed: "Crocodile Dundee: Australia's Chuck Norris".


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 19, 2011)

A spider, a grasshopper, and a centipede decide to meet in 10 minutes at the dandelion to go for a 45 minute jog. At the appointed time, the spider and grasshopper are at the dandelion warming up and stretching but the centipede is not yet there. 5 minutes go by and he's still not there, then 10 minutes go by. Finally, 13 minutes late, the centipede shows up.

"..the hell man!" says the spider." You're late. What the hell you bin doin'?"

"I was putting on my shoes!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 19, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 19, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 20, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Nov 20, 2011)

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Miffed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his d*ck over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.


----------



## Florence (Nov 20, 2011)

When Grandma goes to court...


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 20, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 20, 2011)

Gary, now matter how many times I hear that one I LMAO!!!! And the same goes for yours Florence!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 20, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 22, 2011)

Hehehehe...for the non-engineering types out there (that'd be me):

Harmonic vs. Sinusoidal Motion (PG)


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 22, 2011)

Too bad I'm an engineer


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 22, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 24, 2011)

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. 
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" 
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." 
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?" 
"Your name never came up," she replied


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 24, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 24, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 24, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 24, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2011)




----------



## Florence (Nov 24, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 24, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 24, 2011)

A gorgeous young lady meets a Marine Gunnery Sergeant in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place. 

As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with literally hundreds of sweet, cuddly teddy bears which are neatly organized on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall. Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf, cute cuddly medium-sized ones adorn the next higher shelf and Huge enormous bears are perched on the top shelf.

The woman is quite surprised that a manly Marine Gunny would have such an extensive collection of teddy bears. Although she decides not to question him about it, she's actually quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side! 

After another drink, she turns to him, invitingly. They kiss softly... then again. Soon their passion overwhelms them, and she leads him quietly to the bedroom. 

After spending an intense night of passion with the Marine, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" 

The Marine, stifling back a slight yawn replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


----------



## Airframes (Nov 24, 2011)

Love it !


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 24, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 25, 2011)

A-Fricken-Men!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 25, 2011)

"A-furk'n-men!"


----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 25, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 25, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 26, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Nov 26, 2011)

Men Are Just Happier People 

NICKNAMES•
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D*ckhead and Sh*t for Brains.
EATING OUT 
•
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. 
•
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 

MONEY
•
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. 
•
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. 

BATHROOMS
•
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. 
•
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. 

ARGUMENTS
•
A woman has the last word in any argument. 
•
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

FUTURE
•
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 
•
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.. 

SUCCESS
•
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
•
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

MARRIAGE
•
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
•
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. 

DRESSING UP
•
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. 
•
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 

NATURAL
•
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
•
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 

OFFSPRING
•
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. 
•
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 26, 2011)

Lot of truth in there, too...


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 26, 2011)

Centuries of wisdom, collected in one, concise post. Well done Gary.

I read it wearing lounge pants and a ripped t-shirt.


----------



## Airframes (Nov 26, 2011)

I'll say !!


----------



## Geedee (Nov 26, 2011)

Crimea_River said:


> Centuries of wisdom, collected in one, concise post.



Think I found out where we went wrong....







I'm now running like h*ll for the hills.......


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 26, 2011)

Gotta get crackin' on that time machine.


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 26, 2011)

I LOL'd. My wife rolled her eyes.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 26, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Nov 26, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Nov 27, 2011)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## phatzo (Nov 27, 2011)

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way yo...u do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?” "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!", "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.” "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?” "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 29, 2011)

saw that coming....


----------



## RabidAlien (Nov 30, 2011)

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."


----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 30, 2011)

Wouldn't that be nice if dogs learned to text instead of barking all night


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2011)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 1, 2011)

The Fert

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
stert workin like a gentle breeze
but soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a’bodys gonnae have tae pay
even if ye try to stifle
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
tae try and stop the leakin air
shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae **** ma breeks
tae the bog I better scurry
aw whit the hell, it’s no ma worry
A’body roon aboot me chokin
wan or two are nearly bokin
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair
Where e’re ye go let yer wind gan’ free
sounds like just the job fur me
whit a fuss at rabbie’s perty
ower the sake o’ won wee ferty


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## Crimea_River (Dec 1, 2011)

Och, tha' was a good un!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 1, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 2, 2011)




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## Airframes (Dec 2, 2011)

Where 'ere you be, let the wind blow free.
In church or chapel, let it rattle !
And why do farts smell? For the benefit of the deaf, of course!


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 6, 2011)

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 6, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 6, 2011)

LOL


----------



## Crimea_River (Dec 7, 2011)

Love this:


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 7, 2011)

*********** 

Dangit, y'all....Monday (Dec 5th) was International Ninja Day! It snuck past us again...


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 8, 2011)

Love that chrissy pic!


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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2011)




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## BikerBabe (Dec 9, 2011)




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## BikerBabe (Dec 9, 2011)

View attachment 185893


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------------------------

“Some FAA rules don’t make sense to us either. 
Like the fact that when we’re at 39,000 feet going 400 miles an hour, in a plane that could hit turbulence at any minute, [flight attendants] can walk around and serve hot coffee and Chateaubriand. 
But when we’re on the ground on a flat piece of asphalt going five to ten miles an hour, they’ve got to be buckled in like they’re at NASCAR.”

-Jack Stephan, US Airways captain based in Annapolis, Maryland, who has been flying since 1984


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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 9, 2011)

Good point actually


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2011)

Really good point..


----------



## Airframes (Dec 10, 2011)

If at first you don't succeed, then Bomb Disposal probably isn't for you !


----------



## Crimea_River (Dec 10, 2011)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 10, 2011)

Good ones folks!


----------



## javlin (Dec 10, 2011)

Don't know if it's been around but here it is.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl 
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" 

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" 

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety 
violation. 

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of 
it." 

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, did 
Santa 
bring it to you?" 

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. 

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the 
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top


----------



## Crimea_River (Dec 10, 2011)

Good one!


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 10, 2011)

Gotta love kids!


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2011)

my brother in law sent me that one...


----------



## jipi (Dec 13, 2011)

A sharpshooter gets into his favourite guns shop to buy a new rifle.
The seller shows him the one he just received the day before.

- That's the best of technology, with a laser cut telescopic sight. Look, this house on the hill is mine, Try to look at it through the sight and you'll have the feeling you're in the house.

The sharpshooter takes the telecopic sight, look at the house and says.

- Quite impressive, but tell me, if that's your wife I'm looking at, she's having a lot o fun.

The seller takes the sight, looks into the house and sees his wife with another guy.
He then takes 2 bullets and tells the sharpshooter.

- Man, I give you the rifle if you can put one bullet in my wife's head, and one in this guy's dick...

The sharpshooter takes the gun, aims, and say.

- Considering their position, I believe I can get both with a single bullet...


----------



## v2 (Dec 13, 2011)

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. 
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. 
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, 
"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million". 
"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. 
Women are so much better at financial planning than men...


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 13, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 13, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 14, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 14, 2011)

From an email this morning:



MATH QUIZ 

This is amazing -- it's a simple mathematical exercise that can predict your favorite movie. It must have been created by a real genius. Don't know how it works, but it works every time! 

Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math! Ok, just humor me and do it! 

Movie Quiz: 

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3. 
3. Add 3. 
4. Multiply by 3 again. 
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies 

















Movie List: 

1. Gone With the Wind 
2. E.T. 
3. Blazing Saddles 
4. Star Wars 
5. Forrest Gump 
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 
7. Jaws 
8. Grease 
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012 
10. Casablanca 
11. Jurassic Park 
12. Shrek 
13. Pirates of the Caribbean 
14. Titanic 
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark 
16. Home Alone 
17. Mrs. Doubtfire 

Now, ain't that something...?


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 14, 2011)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 14, 2011)

NICE!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 15, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 15, 2011)

Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman are sitting together in a bar in New York one day.

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 15, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 16, 2011)




----------



## Crimea_River (Dec 16, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 16, 2011)

LMAO!


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 16, 2011)

My Favorite Animal 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. 
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where I am now...


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 16, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 17, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 17, 2011)

If you enjoy funny commercials, esp ones involving beer:

12 Funniest Beer Commercials - Oddee.com


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 17, 2011)

Good ones!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2011)




----------



## javlin (Dec 17, 2011)

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared.”

Irate, she called her husband’s cell and demanded “where the hell are you ?”

“Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it; and remember that I didn’t have the money at the time and said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day.”

Somewhat embarrassed and with a blushing smile, she replied “Yes. I remember that my love.”

“Well, I’m in the bar next to that store.........


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 17, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 17, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 18, 2011)

dead meat.....


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 18, 2011)




----------



## Geedee (Dec 19, 2011)

Oh come on, Chuck Norris is no God. If he was a God, he'd come to my house and slap my head onto the keyboa fsjhgfsbdaugfdsoanfgdsiofjsnhg​jfsdiofjsdvfysdfojhdsagfsajgfg​euoiapfgjesuirfhgeJDSAJDQ8U67E​2U/....FHYSDG


----------



## Wurger (Dec 19, 2011)

How many of push-ups can Chuck Norris press up? ... All.


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 19, 2011)

Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups. He simply moves the earth away from his body. Then pulls it back. Repeatedly.


----------



## Wurger (Dec 19, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 19, 2011)

You've been listening to the Big Show again haven't you RA?


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 19, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 20, 2011)

That's great...


----------



## mikewint (Dec 21, 2011)

Sven and Ole (cousins of Jan) worked together and were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said "panty stitcher. I sew the elastic into cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty sticher. Finding it listed as "unskilled labor", she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment pay.
Then Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter." he replied.
Looking up diesel fitter the clerk found it listed as "skilled labor", she gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained that "panty stitcher" was unskilled while "diesel fitter" was skilled
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, and Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep diesel fitter"


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 22, 2011)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 22, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 22, 2011)

*The 5 toughest questions for men are: *
1. What are you thinking about? 
2. Do you love me? 
3. Do I look fat? 
4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 
5. What would you do if I died? 

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. 

*Question # 1: What are you thinking about? *
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." 

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: 

a. Baseball. 
b. Football. 
c. How fat you are. 
d. How much prettier she is than you. 
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!") 

*Question # 2: Do you love me? *
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." 

Inappropriate responses include: 

a. Oh Yeah, loads. 
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 
c. That depends on what you mean by love. 
d. Does it matter? 
e. Who, me? 

*Question # 3: Do I look fat? *
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Among the incorrect answers are: 

a. Compared to what? 
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 
c. A little extra weight looks good on you. 
d. I've seen fatter. 
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

*Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? *
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!" 

Incorrect responses include: 

a. Yes, but you have a better personality. 
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. 
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. 
d. Define pretty.. 
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

*Question# 5: What would you do if I died? *
A definite no-win question. 

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 23, 2011)




----------



## v2 (Dec 23, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 23, 2011)




----------



## Canberra Man (Dec 23, 2011)

We were on detachment in Malaya and the Canberra's are returning from a mission, they have landed and are proceeding round the peri track. I pick mine out and turn him in to the dispersal pan. Signal to stop and open bomb doors with an armourer standing by in case of a hang up, no hang up, worse. As the bomb doors open, a thousand pound bomb squeezes through the gap and crunches onto the tarmac and sits there glaring at us, we didn't know wether to lie down or run! Then we realised, the bomb hadn't fallen far enough to arm. Fun over for the day. The aircrew must have wondered what was wrong, with the ground crew in little groups counting their worry beasds!! 

Ken


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 23, 2011)

Holy <bleep>!


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 23, 2011)

Dang. Definitely time for a change of undies!!!!


----------



## Matt308 (Dec 23, 2011)

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.



The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"



Donald frowned and said, "No."



Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.



"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. 



So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.



"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.



The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"



"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 23, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 24, 2011)




----------



## Crimea_River (Dec 24, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 24, 2011)

LMAO!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 25, 2011)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Dec 26, 2011)

I gave up drinking beer on Christmas day..........





It was the worst 15 minutes of my life!

TO


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 26, 2011)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 26, 2011)

Well, at least you tried TO.


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 27, 2011)

A man woke up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He called the number, and the gorilla remover said he'd be there in 30 minutes. 
The gorilla remover arrived with a van containing a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean little dog. 
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked 
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the little dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." 
He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. Who asked, "What's the shotgun for?" 
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 27, 2011)

As an IT guy myself (at least, I pretend really well), I found this in my daily desk calendar and found it to be soooo frikkin true:


----------



## ToughOmbre (Dec 28, 2011)

*Short and to the point...*

*Christmas* *Lights* 

I love Christmas Lights, 

They remind me of politicians!

They all hang together,

Half the suckers don't work,

and the ones that do aren't that bright!

TO


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 28, 2011)

LMAO


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 28, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2011)

Sounds about right


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 30, 2011)

Top Ten Things You'd Rather Not Overhear from the Cockpit


10. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY."

9. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there."

8. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."

7. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"

6. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon."

5. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."

4. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!"

3. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"

2. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"

1. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2011)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 30, 2011)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 31, 2011)

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "Hell" and you say "Ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. 

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for 
breakfast..... "Aw Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK..! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man...?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios......


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 31, 2011)

LMAO!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 31, 2011)




----------



## RabidAlien (Dec 31, 2011)

Brothers....


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 2, 2012)

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:


YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES

YOU HAD NO WORRIES 

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL 
IS AWAITING YOU...

YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...

YOUR BEAUTIFUL PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?










?????? 









In the wrong 

Freakin house!!!

THATS WHERE...


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 2, 2012)

Little Johnny gets a train set for Christmas and sets it up in his room. It has all of the amenities and gadgets that kid could possibly want. 
A few days after he gets it set up like he starts playing with it. Well, his mom has not heard from him for some time and decides to check on him to see 
just what he's up to. She get to the door, which is shut, and hears him talking, so she stands outside the door to listen.
She hears the train going around the track and can hear it slow down. Then it stops and Johnny says" All you M Fs wanting off the train get off, all you MFs wanting on, get on". Well, his mother cant's believe what she has just heard so to make sure she stands there awhile longer and again, the train pulls into the 
station and stops and Johnny again says "All you MFs wanting off the train get off, and all" just then his mother bursts into the room and, grabs him up off the floor and drags him to the kitchen where she drops him in a chair at the table and tells him that if that he is to sit there until she says otherwise. Well three hours go by and finally his mother comes in and says "Do you think you can go back and play nicely without cussing". To which Johnny replies "Yes mam." So she lets him go back to his room. Well, Johnny lets the train run for about ten minutes when he finally decides to stop at the station where upon he says. All you MFs wanting off, get off, all you MFs wanting on, get on, and all you MFs complaining about the three hour delay, speak to the b!t( in the kitchen!


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 2, 2012)

Sadly, true.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 2, 2012)

(got this in an email today...I work in IT, and have absolutely no problem believing these happened)



Tech Support


Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one. 
..............................................
. 
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD
out !!!

Tech Support:
Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: 
Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it
yet. It's still on my desk .

. . . sorry. Thank you.
..............................................
. 
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left? 
...............................................
. 
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi . . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me. I'm not Billi Gates!!!
..............................................
. 
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't
print.

Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'. 
I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but
the computer still says it can't find it!!!
..............................................
. 
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.
..............................................
. 
Tech

Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for
me at the 7-11 store. 
..............................................
.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged
into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten
steps backwards.
Customer: Okay.
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a
moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work.
Thanks. 
...............................................
.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in
apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?
...............................................
. 
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the
correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it. 
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
..............................................
. 
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
...............................................
. 
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has
placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but,
every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
..............................................
. 
Tech Support: How may I help you? 
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the little circle around it.
..............................................
. 
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
she had a problem with her printer........
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that
is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by
a window, and his printer is working fine!
..............................................
.
.And last, but not least . . .
.
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring
up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P'. 
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob. 
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!


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## Airframes (Jan 3, 2012)

Brilliant !


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 3, 2012)

Good one RA, good one!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jan 3, 2012)

LMAO


----------



## Glider (Jan 4, 2012)

I can believe those. My Brother some time ago purchased his first computer, I asked him what type it was and he said 'Windows'.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 4, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 4, 2012)

I always loved getting customers in who needed an ink cartridge, I'd ask what model printer they had, they'd say "color". Or "HP". Or "I dunno, I bought it from you about three years ago."


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 5, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 7, 2012)

> The Zen of Sarcasm
>
> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. 
> Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. 
> Do not walk beside me either.
> Just pretty much leave me alone.
>
> 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
>
> 3. It's always darkest before dawn. 
> So if you're going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper,
> that's the time to do it.
>
> 4. Don’t be irreplaceable.
> If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
> 
> 5. Always remember that you're unique.
> Just like everyone else.
>
> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>
> 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
> try missing a couple of car payments.
>
> 8. Before you criticize someone,
> you should walk a mile in their shoes. 
> That way, when you criticize them,
> you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
>
> 9 . If at first you don't succeed,
> skydiving is probably not for you.
>
> 10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. 
> Teach him how to fish,
> and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
> 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
> it was probably a wise investment.
>
> 12 . If you tell the truth,
> you don't have to remember anything.
>
> 13. Some days you're the bug;
> some days you're the windshield.
>
> 14. Everyone seems normal
> until you get to know them.
>
> 15. The quickest way to double your money is 
> to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
>
> 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
> 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, 
> and it holds the universe together.
>
> 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. 
> Neither one works.
>
> 19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much 
> when your lips are moving.
>
> 20. Experience is something you don't get
> until just after you need it.
>
> 21 . Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
>
> AND
>
> 22 . Never, under any circumstances, 
> take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 7, 2012)

Good one RA. I needed that.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 8, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 8, 2012)

SWEET!


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## Gnomey (Jan 8, 2012)




----------



## javlin (Jan 8, 2012)

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington
chemistry midterm.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that
exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can
project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and
take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already
frozen over.. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine
being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my
God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+


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## RabidAlien (Jan 8, 2012)

Nice.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 9, 2012)

LMAO


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 9, 2012)




----------



## v2 (Jan 10, 2012)

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 10, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 10, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 11, 2012)




----------



## javlin (Jan 11, 2012)




----------



## javlin (Jan 16, 2012)

HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift....

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?

That's how the fight started.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 16, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 16, 2012)

Good ones Javlin, some of those I had not read before.


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2012)




----------



## Matt308 (Jan 17, 2012)

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

I loved that one!


----------



## Crimea_River (Jan 17, 2012)

Excellent collection!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jan 17, 2012)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 19, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 19, 2012)

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2012)




----------



## CORSNING (Jan 19, 2012)

Forgive me, please.
I have not read all the posts. I'm 59 going on dead and still working my @ss off. And, there are sooooo many good things on this sight. I just wanted to share my two favorite western sayings. They both came from Quigley Down Under. I'm not sure If I have them exactly correct because it has been a long time since I watched the movie. They came out of the mouth of Tom Sellec as he was being challenged by three gunmen and strapping on a 6-shooter. 
1. "Well, this isn't Dodge City and your not Bill Hickock."
After the shoot out he stood over the leader (the fastest of the three) and said about the pistol that he normally did not carry:
2. " I said, I didn't have much use for one (the pistol). I never said I didn't know how to use it."
In the movie he was a long rifle sniper.


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 19, 2012)

Nice. Gotta love it when your opposition SERIOUSLY underestimates your abilities!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jan 19, 2012)

...and that really was an awesome movie.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 20, 2012)

Yeah, I enjoyed it too!


----------



## Geedee (Jan 20, 2012)

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to Give him first communion and confirmation.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both Legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you
Know that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as A lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


----------



## javlin (Jan 20, 2012)

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


----------



## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2012)




----------



## Hotntot (Jan 20, 2012)

Tommy Cooper went to see his doctor one day. The doctor said, Hey Tommy, how have you been? I haven't seen you for ages. 
Tommy replies, yeh, I know, I've been ill.


Some others from his reportoire...

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst 
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he 
said "I recognise the ivory". 

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report 
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". 

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman 
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? 
The one I was in went back and forwards. 
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 

And then there were the visual jokes. The man was a genius.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jan 20, 2012)

LMAO


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 20, 2012)

Good ones guys!!!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 20, 2012)

The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those pills will that "help" me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

I am still looking for a new place to live.

Call me if you know of any place !


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 21, 2012)

And that's when the fight started.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 21, 2012)

Man, I wish I'd had the guts to answer test questions like this when I was a kid....



Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* His last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* At the bottom of the page.

Q3. The San Antonio River flows in which state?
* Liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what it will become?
* It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand, and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jan 21, 2012)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 22, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 23, 2012)

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'


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## RabidAlien (Jan 23, 2012)




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## ToughOmbre (Jan 23, 2012)

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

TO


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## Thorlifter (Jan 23, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Jan 23, 2012)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 23, 2012)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 24, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 25, 2012)

So, how's your day going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a 
large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs 
my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, 
as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd 
CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. 
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went 
to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't 
have any insurance. 

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with 
another man, and then my dog bit me." 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to 
it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching 
the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! 

But enough about me, how's your day going?"


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 25, 2012)

Incredible Quotes:

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best
people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the
year." 
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?" 
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on
the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." 
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of
communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," 
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a
message sent to nobody in particular?" 
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio
in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,'
the idea must be feasible," 
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal
Express Corp.) 

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," 
--Gary Cooper on his decision notto take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America
likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," 
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," 
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," 
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. 
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," 
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," 
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." 
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," 
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre ,
France .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented," 
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water
that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum
tubes required." 
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of
documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." 
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." 
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of
the wise and humane surgeon," 
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen
Victoria 1873.



And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." 
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977


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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2012)

Mmmm....very interesting...


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 26, 2012)

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it 
********************

I had amnesia once---or twice 
******************** 

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? 
******************** 

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 
******************** 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy 
******************** 

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. 
******************** 

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 
******************** 

They told me I was gullible and I believed them. 
******************** 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. 
******************** 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 
******************** 

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 
******************** 

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies. 
******************** 

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
******************** 

How can there be self-help "groups"? 
******************** 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 
******************** 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man 
who can't get his pants off 
******************** 

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


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## Gnomey (Jan 26, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 27, 2012)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Jan 31, 2012)

Wheels


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## Glider (Feb 1, 2012)

Seen on a real medical record

The patients genitalia were examined and found to be circus sized


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 1, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 1, 2012)

Hmmmm....would that be "elephant" sized, or "monkey"?


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## ToughOmbre (Feb 2, 2012)

COUNSELING SESSION

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counselling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.

The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but......

on Fridays I fish."

TO


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## Gnomey (Feb 2, 2012)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 2, 2012)

LMAO


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## RabidAlien (Feb 2, 2012)

Well worth the price of the therapy sessions, I'd say.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 3, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 6, 2012)

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.

"I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."


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## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2012)

For the Chemists among us (I suspect many won't get it)...


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## RabidAlien (Feb 7, 2012)

TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW

1. Text on webpages display as Morse Code

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later

5. Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon

6. ESPN website exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"

8. Everyone you talk to on the Skype sounds like Forrest Gump

9. You receive emails with stamps on them

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.



today'sTHOT============================

Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.


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## Airframes (Feb 7, 2012)

Ah, so _that's_ what's wrong with Jan's 'net connection !


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## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2012)

Think that is probably not all that is wrong with it.


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## Catch22 (Feb 7, 2012)

Probably has a few computer viruses from "reputable" sites he goes to.


----------



## Glider (Feb 8, 2012)

The Woman Marine Pilot 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. 

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. 

"Janie, do you have a story to share?" 

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 



She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Ira qi with her bare hands." 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?" 

"Don't f*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."


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## RabidAlien (Feb 8, 2012)

Go, Mommy!


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## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 9, 2012)

AMEN!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Feb 10, 2012)

Well, since Valentine's Day is coming up:

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” - Anonymous

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.” - Anonymous

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t. - James Holt McGavra

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Red Skelton

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, “What does a woman want?” - Dumas

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. - Nash

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. - Sam Kinison

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. - Patrick Murra

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - David Bissonette

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous


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## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 10, 2012)

Good stuff RA!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 11, 2012)

zexcellent...


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## javlin (Feb 11, 2012)

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying 
A vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, 
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... 
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove 
All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."


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## javlin (Feb 11, 2012)

Another.......


Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. 
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.


'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never 
Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' 



The driver said, 


'No problem. Have at it.' 



Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off 
Down the highway. 
A short distance away 
Sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. 


The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. 


The trooper pulled out 
And easily caught the limo 
And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. 
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door 
And when the glass 
Was rolled down, 
He was surprised to see 
Who was driving. 



He immediately excused himself and went back to his car 
And called his supervisor. 


He told the supervisor, 
'I know we are supposed 
To enforce the law.... 
But I also know that 
Important people are 
Given certain courtesies. 
I need to know what 
I should do because 
I have stopped a 
Very important person.' 


The supervisor asked, 
'Is it the governor?' 


The young trooper said, 
'No, he's more important 
Than that.'

The supervisor said, 
'Oh, so it's the president.' 

The young trooper said, 
'No, he's even more 
Important than that.' 


The supervisor finally asked, 


'Well then, who is it?' 


The young trooper said, 



'I think it's Jesus, 
Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'


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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 11, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 14, 2012)

Cats are evil.


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 14, 2012)

Overheard this one yesterday:

I bought a new camera, found out it was made in China. Every time I pushed the shutter, it would go "crick".


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 15, 2012)

Here a variation of the famous ditty that I saw going around yesterday...

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Inflation has gone Down
And so must You...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 15, 2012)

Another;
Roses are Red
Violets are sweet
The Best Valentines
Are the ones you can eat.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 16, 2012)

Not saying nothin'


----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 16, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 17, 2012)

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM* 
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. 
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 17, 2012)




----------



## Glider (Feb 17, 2012)

OLD people have problems that you haven't 
even considered yet! 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical 
exam. 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take 
this jar home and bring back a semen sample 
tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared 
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, 
which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man 
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried 
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried 
with my left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with 
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door 
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an 
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between 
her knees, but still nothing..' 

The doctor was shocked! 


'You asked your neighbour?' 

The old man replied, 

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 17, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 18, 2012)

double-post....dang "Reply" and "Advanced" buttons are too frikkin close to each other this early on a Saturday!


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 18, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 19, 2012)

Got this in the mail.
Doctors vs. Gun Owners 

Doctors 

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 

700,000. 

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians 

per year are 

120,000. 

(C) Accidental deaths per physician 
is 

0.171. 

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of 
Health and Human Services. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Now think about this: 

Guns 

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. 

is 

80,000,000. 

(Yes, that's 80 million) 

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths 

per year, all age groups, 

is 

1,500. 

(C) The number of accidental deaths 

per gun owner 

is 

.000188. 

Statistics courtesy of FBI 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.' 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, 

BUT 

Almost everyone has at least one doctor. 
This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than a gun
owner!!! 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Please alert your friends 

to this 

alarming threat. 

We must ban doctors 

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Out of concern for the public at large, 

I withheld the statistics on 

lawyers 

for fear the shock would cause 

people to panic and seek medical attention!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 19, 2012)

And another.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there
wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by
those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there
is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to
believe it. ~Clarence Darrow



Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents
will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno



Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from
the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will
stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down YOUR life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by 
definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to
the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change
the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown


----------



## ToughOmbre (Feb 19, 2012)

TO


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 19, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2012)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Feb 21, 2012)

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT, AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT, TOO. 

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS, BECAUSE, 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!' 

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9.. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop... OR THE BATHMAT?) 

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

And Remember...'A clean house is the sign of a wasted life! 

TO


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 21, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 21, 2012)

AN ETHNIC JOKE

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a
German, an Indian, some Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander,
and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard,
a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian,
a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a
Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan,
a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an
Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a
Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a
Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a
Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban,
an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a
Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an
Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a
Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a
Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian
and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant ...

"I'm sorry," said the manager, as he scrutinized the group one by one, and
then barred their entrance saying, "Sorry, you can't come in here without a
Thai."


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 22, 2012)

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."





************************




Henry’s wife, Marge, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Marge was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Henry got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Henry undid the toilet seat bolts. Marge wrapped a sheet around herself and Henry drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Marge tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed.”


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 22, 2012)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
The last one was GREAT!!!!!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 23, 2012)

excellent!


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 24, 2012)

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 24, 2012)

Can't argue with that!


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 24, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 26, 2012)

Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates. 

St Peter opens them and says "Oh Luciano, it's you, Come on in - squeeze through". 

Pavarotti says "I have a letter from the Pope for you". 

St Peter opens it up and reads it. 

"Here's that tenor I owe you".


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 26, 2012)

LOL


----------



## Wurger (Feb 26, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 26, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 26, 2012)




----------



## javlin (Feb 27, 2012)

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question" noted theCFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.""Oh," replied the auditor,somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well I see" he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?""Here, too, we do not waste,"answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2012)




----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 27, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 27, 2012)

He had it comin!


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 28, 2012)

Sure did!


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 28, 2012)

*Irony:*

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased that it is distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.


----------



## javlin (Feb 28, 2012)

RabidAlien said:


> *Irony:*
> 
> The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased that it is distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.
> 
> Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.



Oh how true that is!!Do not get me started RA my son tells me horror stories about EBT cards.


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 28, 2012)

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems whatsoever helping those who're having a run of bad luck or are physically disabled and therefore having problems making ends meet...but are, nonetheless, actively pursuing a job. Its the leeches that I despise, the folks with 12 kids who're using foodstamps to buy beer and steaks while talking on their top-end iPhone (as are all 12 kids).


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 29, 2012)

Souns like same Sh*t different country to me....


----------



## BikerBabe (Feb 29, 2012)

Guys?
Here's one to print and give to your daughters' possible wanna-be-boyfriends. 
Found it on FB. 








And another FB-pic that I rather like:


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 1, 2012)

Excellent. First is awesome, second is awesome (but will never happen, unfortunately).


----------



## javlin (Mar 1, 2012)

RabidAlien said:


> Don't get me wrong, I have no problems whatsoever helping those who're having a run of bad luck or are physically disabled and therefore having problems making ends meet...but are, nonetheless, actively pursuing a job. Its the leeches that I despise, the folks with 12 kids who're using foodstamps to buy beer and steaks while talking on their top-end iPhone (as are all 12 kids).



I hear ya RA .My son is working at a grocery store and all he wants to do some days is tell some of those people you mentioned to GTH and quit.I saw a young lady 19-20 swipe one EBT-declined whooped out another EBT-accepted COME -on my tax dollars at work  all I have to say.


----------



## v2 (Mar 2, 2012)

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. 
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.. 

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, 
Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean 
conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I 
guess I am a pilot.' 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked 
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. 
When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think 
about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' 

The two sat sipping in silence. 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the 
old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a 
lesbian.


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 2, 2012)

I came out of the closet recently. Seems like I can't deny the fact that yes, I'm a raging lesbian, too.


...trapped in a man's body.


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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 2, 2012)

You to RA? Wow.


----------



## Airframes (Mar 3, 2012)

Mate of mine met a girl who told him she was a Lesbian. He asked "Oh, which part of Lesbia are you from?"


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 3, 2012)




----------



## v2 (Mar 3, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 5, 2012)

A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 5, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 6, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Mar 6, 2012)

During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 6, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 9, 2012)




----------



## Lucky13 (Mar 11, 2012)

_“A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn't like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around”_


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 12, 2012)

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad
at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't think
of your name! I've thought and thought,! but I can't remember it. Please
tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 12, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 13, 2012)

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really not happy with him. She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." 

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors....


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 13, 2012)

Well, she *did *ask for it...


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 13, 2012)

Yesssssss, she did.


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2012)

Yep!


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 16, 2012)

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. 
"What's the matter?" Jack asked. 

"I've been transferred to New Orleans and there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It is not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." 

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2012)




----------



## BikerBabe (Mar 16, 2012)

I _love _the Spitfire beer ads. 






















And the best one in my opinion:


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 16, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 17, 2012)

Excellent Maria :LOL:


----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 17, 2012)

Not a big fan of beer, but I love the ads they come up with!
Here's one for you, Maria:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vhTxh1Snkk_

************************

This guy deserves a medal:


The loaded mini-van pulled into a campsite.

Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear
and setting up the tent.

The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up
the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters’ father, “That, sir, is some
display of teamwork.”

The father replied, “I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until
the camp is set up.”


*********************


----------



## vikingBerserker (Mar 17, 2012)

LMAO, AWESOME!


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 18, 2012)

excellent must remember that!


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 18, 2012)

Got to love the Spitfire Ale ads!


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 18, 2012)

Aging Boomers song. "Born to be Wild" parody "Bored, Tubby, and Mild" 

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCfEgQ93r6M_
Standard Definition: 
_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCfEgQ93r6M_


Wheels


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 19, 2012)




----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 21, 2012)

Miriam's pet schnauzer passed the vet's exam with flying colours except for one minor issue.

"Buffy has a lot of hair in her ears and is probably not hearing things as well as she could. Get yourself some hair remover at the pharmacy and apply it once a day until it clears the passages and she should be fine" says the vet.

After thanking him, Miriam is off to the store to look for some hair remover and as she's searching the aisles, a store assistant asks if she needs some help.

"Yes," she says. "I'm looking for some hair remover."

"Ah, I have just the thing. Here you go", he says, handing her a bottle of Nair. "But just so you know, it's rather strong and if you're using it on your armpits, just rub in a very small amount because it can irritate your skin."

"Oh!" says Miriam, "I'm not using it for that."

"Well then, if you're using it on your legs, you can be a little more liberal but you should still not overdo it because you might get a rash."

"I'm not using it for that either," says Miriam. "It's actually for my schnauzer."

"Well in that case" says the clerk, "you better not ride a bike for a week."


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 21, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 22, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 22, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 23, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2012)

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to arm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. 

He points to a tree and tells the chief, this is a tree. The chief looks at the tree and grunts "tree". The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says "this is a rock" at which the chief looks and grunts "rock".
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike". The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun, and kills them. 

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized, and to be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people? 

The chief replied "my bike".


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 25, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 27, 2012)

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital. 
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. 

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead' Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'. 

'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.


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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 27, 2012)

That's just wrong.


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## RabidAlien (Mar 28, 2012)

**************************************


(scary thought: what's this email going to look like when it reads "Class of 2010 vs 2063"?)

The Class of 1957 vs. 2010...
Times, they are a changing (for the worse, I think)

You know by today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it.
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. 

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .

Scenario 3: 
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 

2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse , Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .

2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. 

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 

1957 - Ants die.

2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. 

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad but true.


----------



## wheelsup_cavu (Mar 29, 2012)

*What Luck*

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents ..

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex ..

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack .
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all . That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated .
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down .


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy .
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious .
'The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . ' 

----------------------------------------------------------------




Wheels


----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 29, 2012)




----------



## razor1uk (Mar 29, 2012)

Muhuhaha; how embarressed you'd be from that... only more if the father came home much later and somehow 'interupted'... (NIMD-y-ism ...think about it)


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Mar 31, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 1, 2012)




----------



## BikerBabe (Apr 3, 2012)

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

When a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. 
When she's menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his a**!!!


----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 4, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2012)

Top stuff Maria...


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 4, 2012)




----------



## javlin (Apr 9, 2012)

A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms and leans forward to say,
****
****
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


----------



## Glider (Apr 9, 2012)

Remember it takes a University degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight..

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance 
engineers. 

By the way, UPS is with Quantas one of the few major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud..
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. 
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 9, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 9, 2012)

Little girls are so precious!


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 12, 2012)

Bluenecks are northerners - the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves).

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF...

...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly

...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled

...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

...You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog

...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show

...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach

...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

...None of your fur coats are homemade


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 12, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 12, 2012)




----------



## javlin (Apr 13, 2012)

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". 
> 
> 
> 
> The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first. 
> 
> 
> 
> The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first. 
> 
> 
> 
> The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first. 
> 
> 
> 
> Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these [email protected] would keep their mouths shut". 
> 
> 
> 
> The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" 
> 
> 
> 
> Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
>


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 13, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2012)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Apr 14, 2012)




----------



## ToughOmbre (Apr 17, 2012)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said,

"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention
in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my girl friends call me Bubba!

Steve


----------



## Lucky13 (Apr 17, 2012)

*The Burgler* 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot "Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot "Moses?"
The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." 


*What did you say?*

A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. 
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. 
The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. 
The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know." 


*The parrot and the chicken.*

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude. 
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... 
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. 
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. 
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." 
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?" 


*The auction.*

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. 
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. 
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! 
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" 
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" 


*Beware of the parrot!*

This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! 
He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. 
He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. 
He opens the gate and walks into the garden. 
He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!" 


*New Company.* 

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.​


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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2012)




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## javlin (Apr 17, 2012)

I think this must of been Terry after one to many one night 

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........ 
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland?"

One of them screamed "It's WALES you IDIOT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland?"

That's pretty much all I remember.....


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 18, 2012)

A Harley bikie is riding by a wildlife reserve in Canberra 
when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's enclosure.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents. 

The bikie jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and
hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting
go of the girl, and the bikie brings her to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter

addressing the Harley bikie says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole
life.' 

The Harley bikie replies, 'Why, it was nothin' at all, really,
the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger and acted as I felt right.' 

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will
have this story on the front page... So, what do you
do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' 

The bikie replies, 'I'm a Australian ex army veteran and a labour voter.' 

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the bikie buys the paper to see
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
AUSTRALIAN EX VET ASSAULTS AFRICAN
IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 18, 2012)

So you guys have the same problem we have over her.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 19, 2012)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> So you guys have the same problem we have over her.



Yep. F*cking Bullsh*t ain't it...


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2012)

Typical media bullsh*t


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## RabidAlien (Apr 19, 2012)

@ Scottish whales!

Frikkin media.


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## gumbyk (Apr 20, 2012)

Well, he _was_ an Australian, and we all know they're all convicts.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2012)

gumbyk said:


> Well, he _was_ an Australian, and we all know they're all convicts.



Aw...man....


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 20, 2012)

That ain't right.


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## Glider (Apr 21, 2012)

We were shopping this afternoon and I couldn't see my wife. As a man passed us pushing a trolly loaded to the top an assistant who thought I was looking for something, asked if she could help .
I replied saying that I couldn't find my wife, I seemed to have lost her. The guy stopped, looked at us both and simply said RESULT.

The three of us simply collapsed


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## Lucky13 (Apr 21, 2012)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> That ain't right.



True! Innocent until proven guilty, or is it the other way around?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 22, 2012)

I'm always guilty, least that's what all my friends say anyway.


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 23, 2012)




----------



## BikerBabe (Apr 25, 2012)

*To the citizens of the United States of America 
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II*


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. 
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' 
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' 
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. 
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. 
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. 
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. 
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. 
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. 
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. 
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. 
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. 
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. 
South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. 
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. 
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. 
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. 
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. 
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. 
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. 
It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. 
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2012)

Great!


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## RabidAlien (Apr 25, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2012)




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## javlin (Apr 26, 2012)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 26, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 26, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Apr 27, 2012)

Ouch!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Apr 27, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Apr 29, 2012)

Recently the Pope took a few days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless hippie, reeking of marijuana and wearing sandals, shorts, a "Code Pink" hat and an "Occupy Wall Street" T-shirt with an "Obama 2012" pin on it, was screaming and thrashing around as he tried to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious hippie from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured hippie in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.

'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Conservative American working men and Liberal Democrat hippies, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?'


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## gumbyk (Apr 29, 2012)

Two women are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. 
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. 
Just then, the woman turns to the other and hands her a bill. 
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," she says.


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## RabidAlien (Apr 30, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 1, 2012)




----------



## vikingBerserker (May 2, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 2, 2012)




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## Glider (May 4, 2012)

Two Irishmen were drowning their sorrows in a bar

Paddy, what are we going to do, the country is bust, we don't have a job, this is my last beer, what can we do 

Why cannot we be like the USA, they have money, the market is improving, they might even be self sufficient in oil in the near future, what can we do?

Patrick old son I have the perfect solution, never failed in recent history.

What do we do Paddy, what is this fool proof solution

We declare was on the USA, Patrick thats what we do

ARE YOU MAD, we don't stand a chance.

I know, we do what Hitler did. Declare war on the USA, lose and after we have lost they give up lots of money, give us ten years we will be an economic super power like Japan and Germany

Brilliant, Brilliant Paddy, but theres only one problem

Whats that Patrick

What if we win


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## Wayne Little (May 4, 2012)




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## Gnomey (May 4, 2012)




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## javlin (May 11, 2012)

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, 
trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." 


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." 

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." 

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." 


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum 
and insulted him, 
so in a huff, he shut down tight. 
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, 
the stomach was bloated, 
the legs got wobbly, 
the eyes got watery, 
and the blood was toxic. 
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
. 
The Moral of the story? 
Even though the others do all the work... 
The ass hole is usually in charge


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 11, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (May 11, 2012)




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## Glider (May 11, 2012)

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, 

And every year Bill would say, 

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, 

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, 

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, 

" Blanche, I'm 85 years old. 

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, 

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks " 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! 

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. 

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, 

But still not a word... 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, 

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. 

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied, 


" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out, 

But you know, 

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!


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## vajled (May 11, 2012)

Peter (the very rich person) and his wife have a dinner in fancy restoraunt.
At one moment beautifull young woman came to their table and give a kiss to Peter and tell him that he call her after the dinner.
Wife (annoyed): Who is that?
Peter: My mistress
Wife (very angry): You pig... I want a divorce
Peter (calm): No problem my dear but remember that if we divorce there is no any more money for you, luxury, gold, weekends in villas, nice new car...
After that wife didnt say any word about divorce and continue to dinner.

Few moments later in restoraunt enter Mike, very good friend of Peter and his wife.
But with Mike is not his wife, he walk hugged with another young beautifull woman and gone to another part of restoraunt.

Wife: Who is that with Mike?
Peter: His mistress

Wife start thinking and after few second says: Ah, our mistress is pritier


Cheers
Roman


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 11, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (May 12, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (May 12, 2012)

to all of the above!


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## RabidAlien (May 13, 2012)

Hehehe...


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## Gnomey (May 13, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 15, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 16, 2012)




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## Crimea_River (May 16, 2012)




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## javlin (May 17, 2012)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!" 

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and 
asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" 

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy , it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" 

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina 0♪0


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## RabidAlien (May 18, 2012)




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## Gnomey (May 18, 2012)




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## gumbyk (May 21, 2012)

Top 5 qualities of a woman: 
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


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## gumbyk (May 21, 2012)

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"


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## RabidAlien (May 22, 2012)




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## Gnomey (May 22, 2012)




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## javlin (May 22, 2012)

The one about the four girls is funny 

The old men(75+) keep sending me these emails 


TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. NEW YORK LAWYER 
Only in Texas my friends..Only in Texas .....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.' 

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the [email protected]# out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Bless Texas .......


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## RabidAlien (May 22, 2012)

Heh. I'm writing that guy in on the ballot, come November!


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## Wayne Little (May 23, 2012)

Friggin' hilarious Guys...


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## gumbyk (May 24, 2012)

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" 
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."


----------



## Wayne Little (May 24, 2012)




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## Gnomey (May 24, 2012)




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## muscogeemike (May 24, 2012)

This one is going to make some people mad:
A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Socialist walk into a bar.
Bartender asks….
“What’ll it be, Mr. President?”


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## RabidAlien (May 25, 2012)

Heh. Got that in an email recently, and have been debating posting it. I will say, though, that I got a darn good laugh out of it!


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## javlin (May 25, 2012)

The Night Nurse

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short sweet, a good one.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she
realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and
without missing a beat, she says:..........................








'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some arsehole's got my pen!'


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## Wayne Little (May 26, 2012)

Good one Kevin!


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## Gnomey (May 26, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (May 26, 2012)

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. 


Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.


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## muscogeemike (May 27, 2012)

Questions about Gov. Romney’s religion and the latest news from the Vatican brought this old one to mind.

A Cardinal rushed into the Popes private chambers. “Your Eminence I have some good news and some bad news.”
The Pope ask for the good news first, “Our Savior has returned and he is on the phone!” declared the Cardinal.
After hearing this the Pope asked “What news could possibly be bad?”
The Cardinal said “He is calling from Salt Lake City.”


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## Gnomey (May 28, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (May 29, 2012)

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.

Both tests came out positive!"


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## RabidAlien (May 29, 2012)




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## javlin (May 29, 2012)

Wayne Little said:


> "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
> 
> Both tests came out positive!"


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## RabidAlien (May 29, 2012)

hehehe...









(bet you'll laugh next time you play this game!)


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## Gnomey (May 30, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 1, 2012)

Provided courtesy of xkcd:


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## Wayne Little (Jun 1, 2012)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 1, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 4, 2012)

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a
major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he
frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming
up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight
instructor?"


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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jun 5, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 7, 2012)

Heh. Found these over at gunway.com


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 7, 2012)

LMAO I love the Angry Bird!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 8, 2012)

like 'em both..


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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2012)

Angry bird is awesome


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 8, 2012)

The grenade cover ROCKS!!!!!!!


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## Wurger (Jun 9, 2012)

Yep...


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## Wayne Little (Jun 10, 2012)

THE AUSSIE DUNNY POEM

Only those who have used an outside dunny would appreciate this. 

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they there,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies lavatory, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three Sheilas’ did before.

She missed the foot bridge - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a acacia sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious ,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the dames got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"


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## RabidAlien (Jun 10, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 10, 2012)

This may have been posted previously, I'm not sure. I still get a big laugh from it.

Joe asks for 6 months of retraining for 'Cattle Guards! '

You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings,
in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to
prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not
step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between
the rails. 





A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were
over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his
proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to
fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten
President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a
request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of
retraining.

'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their
families be given six moths of retraining! '


And these two guys are running our country,

OH MY SOUL!

Passed on to you without further comment...

Now you do the same.

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING - - - -

OH LORD HELP US!!!!


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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2012)




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## javlin (Jun 12, 2012)

Subject:* The Preacher, the Bike, and the Lawn Mower.
> 
> *A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a young
> boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the
> mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy
> me a bicycle." said the boy.
> 
> After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike
> in trade for it?" The boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the
> preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he
> remembered how to ride one.
> 
> The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you." After
> riding the bike around a little while, the boy said, "Mister, you've got
> yourself a deal."
> 
> The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a
> few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the
> youngster over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The boy said,
> "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
> 
> The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a
> Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
> 
> The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on
> that rope. It'll come back to you!*
>


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## Wayne Little (Jun 13, 2012)




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## javlin (Jun 13, 2012)

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise in pay. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation. From the back pew of the church, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God,but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers. 'The entire congregation said, Amen


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## Gnomey (Jun 13, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 13, 2012)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 13, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 14, 2012)

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you!"

But the girl said "NO!"

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She replied, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.


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## RabidAlien (Jun 15, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 15, 2012)

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life. He finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. 

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" 

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." 

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep." 

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks......and believe me, it helps me sleep at night." 

You Gotta' Watch Them Grandmas..........Gotta' Love Them


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## Gnomey (Jun 15, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 15, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 18, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 20, 2012)

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and says, "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow I have no idea what to get for her. She already has everything she wants she's not giving out any hints so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." Joe thought that was a great idea- a classic 'win-win' situation. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did my suggestion go over?" "Yeah, a little too well" said Joe dejectedly. "What dya mean, didn't she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh she liked it alright! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour'!"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 20, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2012)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jun 20, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 21, 2012)

**************


A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 21, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jun 25, 2012)

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?


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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2012)

like that one!


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## Gnomey (Jun 25, 2012)




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## Geedee (Jun 27, 2012)

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" 

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany . 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid. 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car. 

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid. 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep. ... 


Now give me back my dog!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 27, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jun 27, 2012)

An old one but a good one.


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## javlin (Jun 27, 2012)

I kinda remember maybe but it still brought a smile  and RA 

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your 

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting 

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could 

Never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man 

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions. 

He took the gun and went into the room. All was 

Quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, 

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't 

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the 

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the 

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one 

After another. They heard screaming, crashing, 

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was 

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the 

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had toBeat him to death with the chair.' 




MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them


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## RabidAlien (Jun 27, 2012)




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## javlin (Jun 28, 2012)

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. 

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. 

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. 

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. 

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 28, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jun 29, 2012)




----------



## A4K (Jun 29, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 30, 2012)

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

Terrible!" the roommate answered.

He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."

Wow! That's a very expensive car.

What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."


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## javlin (Jun 30, 2012)

Well she try marriage one foot is in the grave......


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## Gnomey (Jun 30, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 1, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 1, 2012)

Got this one today.

Subject: Fw: Fwd: TSA Report



January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland
Security: 
Terrorists Discovered 0 
Transvestites 133 
Hernias 1,485 
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 
Enlarged Prostates 8,249 
Breast Implants 59,350 
Natural Blondes 3 


It was also discovered that 535 congressional representatives had no balls.


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## Wayne Little (Jul 2, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 3, 2012)

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS.


----------



## razor1uk (Jul 3, 2012)

By Adam Henderson Tales of the Tea-Drinking Bastard
Give me a motherclucking cuddle! [partially edited for PC-ness]

Men may not talk much about hugging, but I think there should be no such masculine social stigma.

Throughout one of my random walks in London at dusk, I came to realise there is a very intricate science to cuddling. Furthermore, I came to the conclusion that before today, I’ve been quite varying in my embraces, even subconciously.

As far as I can count, I have seven kinds of cuddle, as described below:

1) ‘You’re quite clearly european and into full body contact. I’m English and we don’t do that to strangers, but I don’t want to offend you. I shall observe your customs’

2) ‘OH MY GOD I haven’t seen you in 3 years, how the hell are you!?’

3) ‘I’m so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do?’

4) ‘I AM A MAN! YOU ARE A MAN. I WILL CRUSH YOU IN MY BROTHERLY EMBRACE AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. FEEL MY CHEST MUSCLES! RAWR!’

5) ‘I love you so very much and I’m just happy to be here holding you.’

6) ‘Lady, I’m not just a big spoon, I’m a mother****ing gravy ladle!’

7) ‘….Yeah.. That would be my erection. My most profuse apologies to your midriff.’

I can’t think of any friend I have where one of these types of hug or cuddle would not be applicable.


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 3, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 4, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jul 4, 2012)




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## razor1uk (Jul 5, 2012)

"Adverts are like Bras: What they show is important, but what they hide is so much more Interesting."

"Having sex without seeing a ladies bubbies is like going to Pizza Hut for an Ice-Cream factory, only to find out they've run out of hundreds and thousands. You still eat it, but it's considerably more boring without them." - Kit Richardson (see/listen-to her songs)


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## RabidAlien (Jul 5, 2012)

Its the thought that counts.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 6, 2012)

Suppose it is....


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## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 7, 2012)

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." 

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 7, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2012)

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used tomato can for a carburator.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. 

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE!


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## RabidAlien (Jul 14, 2012)

Got a good laugh outta this....the two kids in the first one deserve a medal!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 14, 2012)

The last on is just PRICELESS!!!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2012)

Excellent, first one and the last one especially.


----------



## ToughOmbre (Jul 14, 2012)

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on
the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know
who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman
and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed
In the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

Steve


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## ToughOmbre (Jul 14, 2012)

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" 

"Yes, Father, it is." 

"And who was the girl you were with?" 

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 
"I cannot say." 

Was it Teresa Volpe?" 
"I'll never tell." 

"Was it Nina Capelli?" 
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 

"Was it Cathy Piriano?" 
"My lips are sealed." 

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" 
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you." 

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." 

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What did you get?." 

"4 months vacation and five good leads.

Steve


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 14, 2012)

Both!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 15, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 15, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 15, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 16, 2012)

The town's fire marshall was conducting a health and safety course at the senior center.

He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 16, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 17, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 17, 2012)




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## VBF-13 (Jul 17, 2012)

This guy and his wife are strolling down Michigan Avenue one night after the stores had closed. They come to the first store and there’s this cute little hat in the window. So the wife goes, “Honey, can you get me that cute little hat in the window?” And the guy looks down at the price tag, then reaches into his pocket, pulls out a brick, throws it through the window, goes in and gets her the hat. 

So they come to the next store and there’s this cute little dress in the window. So the wife goes, “Honey, can you get me that cute little dress in the window?” And the guy looks down at the price tag, then reaches into his pocket, pulls out another brick, throws it through the window, goes in and gets her the dress. 

So they come to the last store and there’s this big beautiful fur coat in the window. So the wife goes, “Honey, can you get me that big beautiful fur coat in the window?” And the guy looks down at the price tag, then turns to the wife and goes, “What do you think I’m made of, bricks?”


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 17, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 18, 2012)

...


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 19, 2012)




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## javlin (Jul 19, 2012)

Some really good ones guys  Nice to smile


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## Wayne Little (Jul 20, 2012)

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!" The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"

The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish man jumped up yelling, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

The third batter got up got ball 1... ball 2 ... ball 3 ... ball 4. The umpire yelled, "Take your base!" The batter jogged to the base. The Irish man jumped up and yelled, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, for he has four balls!"

The Irish man's jaw dropped, and he turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!"


----------



## RabidAlien (Jul 20, 2012)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 21, 2012)

LMAO!


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2012)




----------



## razor1uk (Jul 21, 2012)

A collection of hoots on this page guys, was the sans bollocii state trooper female...? plus nice if short run allowance/poclet money earner those kids got on to... surely protecting the public there - I mean, who's to say they could'nt also be paid by the troopers to mislead/entrap drivers into lazy speeding-ness eh?


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## Wayne Little (Jul 22, 2012)

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


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## RabidAlien (Jul 22, 2012)

Wise father, that man is!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 22, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2012)




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## razor1uk (Jul 23, 2012)

Borrowed from a Radio 4 (BBC) comedy game show recently - it was in Swansea, so it had sort of a Welsh theme, hence you'll see... (yeah and my Welsh spellings aren't correct, but close to phoneticaly... ahem, apologies, I'm just an English cacci-bacch.)

a selection of the changed meanings section...

Aberystwyth - 'Me' time with music,
Glamorgan - Lipstick on your 'organ',
Penile - Caught short in Egypt,
Innuendo - Italian for suppository,
Abbergavenny - 'Have you had many in you van?'

and other bits, a lil' ditty (semi sung)...

Little David, he hid inside a microwave, and now he's just one word upon his grave. 'Bing'.

And changed names of songs to do with the economy...

Can You Loan Some Tonight,
Girls Just Wanna Have Funds,
I Need A Euro,
Shutup Your Factory,
Bring You Daughter To The Corner,


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## RabidAlien (Jul 24, 2012)

An Iowa rancher drove in his pickup to a neighbor's farm, and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. The following conversation developed:

"Is your Dad home?"

"No, Sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No, Sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, Sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

The young boy asked; "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 25, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2012)




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## muscogeemike (Jul 25, 2012)

RabidAlien’s joke reminded me of this one: 
A city man was driving in the country and saw a farmer in a field helping a cow birth a calf.
Interested he stopped his car and helped the farmer.
After the calf was brought out the city man ask the farmer “How fast was that thing going when it hit the cow?”


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 25, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Jul 26, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 27, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 29, 2012)

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, which had been slacking off, and So, being creative in Hill Billy territory he came up with a sure fire way to get his business back. A sign large hand painted sign out by the dirt road that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon the first local Hill Billy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. The owner explained that if the customer guessed correctly he would get his free sex after he paid for a ten gallon minimum fill up. The Hill Billy guessed 8, and the proprietor 
said, "You were close... the number was 7. 
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same Hill Billy, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his chance for free sex after paying for his 14 Gallon gasoline fill up. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The Hill Billy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they
were driving away, the Hill Billy said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No, it is for real, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."


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## RabidAlien (Jul 29, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Aug 4, 2012)

Blonde walks into a library and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger, please".
The librarian says, "Young lady this is a Library!"
"Oh, sorry," says the blonde, (whispers), "I'd like a cheeseburger, please."


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## Wayne Little (Aug 5, 2012)




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## javlin (Aug 7, 2012)

A woman from the city was driving through a remote part of Nevada when her car broke down. A Native on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. 
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles!"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 7, 2012)




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## VBF-13 (Aug 8, 2012)

A blind man enters a female-only bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a spell, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, ya wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it's only fair, given you’re blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender's a blonde girl;

2) The bouncer's a blonde girl;

3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate;

4) The woman sitting next to me is both blonde and a professional weightlifter;

5) The lady to your right is both blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it, Sir. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”


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## RabidAlien (Aug 8, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Aug 8, 2012)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 8, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2012)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 9, 2012)

_“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”

“Vision, it reaches beyond the thing that is, into the conception of what can be. Imagination gives you the picture, vision gives you the impulse to make the picture your own.”

“Why does the eye see a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination when awake?”


“Even the wildest dreams have to start somewhere. Allow yourself the time and space to let your mind wander and your imagination fly.”

“Things are pretty, graceful, rich, elegant, handsome, but until they speak to the imagination, not yet beautiful”

“The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him”_

I need to stop drinking....


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## Glider (Aug 9, 2012)

Apart from the fact thay they lived the following product reviews would be candidates for the Darwin Awards

Amazon.co.uk: Customer Reviews: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml


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## VBF-13 (Aug 9, 2012)

Little Johnny is at home when the Avon Lady rings the doorbell. Little Johnny answers the door in his underwear while holding a lit cigar in one hand and a half-bottle of wine in the other hand. The Avon Lady asks, "Little boy, are your parents home?" Little Johnny answers, "What do you think?"


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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2012)

Classic!


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## Wayne Little (Aug 10, 2012)




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## javlin (Aug 10, 2012)

I love little Johnnie 

SNIFFER
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.

The first man was really ed by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'


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## RabidAlien (Aug 11, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 11, 2012)

ditto ...


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## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2012)




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## VBF-13 (Aug 11, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 12, 2012)

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century", he said, "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad".
I tell you, that damn spider never knew what hit it.


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## VBF-13 (Aug 12, 2012)

Love it!


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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 12, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2012)

Love it Kirk!


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## meatloaf109 (Aug 14, 2012)

Now, that's funny!


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## Lucky13 (Aug 15, 2012)

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you.”

“Life is short, don't waste time worrying about what people think of you ,hold on to the ones that care, in the end they will be the only ones there.”

“Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live.”


“A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be, a friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care, a friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.”

“Friends are God's way of taking care of us”

“A relationship is like a rose, how long it lasts, no one knows love can erase an awful past, love can be yours, you'll see at last, to feel that love, it makes you sigh, to have it leave, you'd rather die, you hope you've found that special rose, because you love and care for the one you chose.”

“We must move from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts, to praying about the things that are breaking His heart.”

“It's not enough to have a dream unless I'm willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right unless I'm strong enough to do it. It's not enough to join the crowd, to be acknowledged and accepted. I must be true to my ideals, even if I'm excluded and rejected. It's not enough to learn the truth unless I also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love unless I care enough to give it.”

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.”

“Kind hearts are the gardens, kind thoughts are the roots, kind words are the flowers, kind deeds are the fruits, take care of your garden and keep out the weeds, fill it with sunshine, kind words and kind deeds”

“Remember to be gentle with yourself and others, we are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you, look past your differences, their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made and give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love, to withhold is to wither, care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”


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## Lucky13 (Aug 16, 2012)

Who comes up with ideas like this??


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## Lucky13 (Aug 16, 2012)

Didn't know where else to put it! 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaK1jFg8JBE_


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 16, 2012)

Interesting.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2012)

You said it Aaron!


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## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2012)

Indeed.


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## RabidAlien (Aug 17, 2012)

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . .Who art in Heaven. . .


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 18, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 18, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Aug 20, 2012)

Two blonds were walking in the woods one day, when one looks down and says,"Ooo, look, Deer tracks!"
The other one says, "No, those are bear tracks!"
First one says, "Uh-uh, deer tracks!"
They were still arguing a half hour later when the train hit them.


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## ToughOmbre (Aug 20, 2012)

Steve


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## ToughOmbre (Aug 20, 2012)

*Husband Down Isle 5*

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 

"What do you think you're doing?", asks the wife. 

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", he replies. 

"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 

"What do you think you're doing?", asks the husband. 

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful", replies the wife. 

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." 

*He never knew what hit him. *

Steve


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## RabidAlien (Aug 20, 2012)

I saw a bumper sticker on
a parked car that read --- “I miss Chicago.” 

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, 
“I hope this helps...”


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## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 22, 2012)

Excellent!


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## meatloaf109 (Aug 22, 2012)

This guy was working along one day when he heard a voice say, "Get all your money out of the bank and go to the track and put the whole bundle on Snickelfritz to win!"
"Is that you, God?", he asked. 
"Yep, sure is!" said the voice, "Now go get all your money out of the bank and go to the track and put the whole bundle on Snickelfritz to win!"
So he did.
Snickelfritz came in last.
"Dammit!" said the voice.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 23, 2012)




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## VBF-13 (Aug 23, 2012)

LOL! Meatloaf109, famous last words of the gambler: "I'm hoping to break even, I could really use the money."


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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Aug 24, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Aug 29, 2012)

Got this from the movie "Breaker Morant", (to be read with an Australian accent).
There once was a man from Australia,
who painted his @ss like a dahlia.
The color was fine,
likewise the design,
but the aroma, now that was a failure!


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## Gnomey (Aug 29, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 30, 2012)




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## fubar57 (Aug 30, 2012)

Way to many posts to see if this was already posted. Apologies if it was.







Geo


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## RabidAlien (Aug 31, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Aug 31, 2012)




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## fubar57 (Aug 31, 2012)

Osama's Inter-Cave Memo

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM

To: Cavemates

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says

"Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.

I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.

Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Death to infidels,
Osama

Geo


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## Wayne Little (Sep 1, 2012)




----------



## RabidAlien (Sep 1, 2012)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 1, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2012)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 1, 2012)

LMAO!


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## RabidAlien (Sep 3, 2012)

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 8.3%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 8.3%.

ABBOTT: 8.3% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 8.3% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 8.3%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 8.3% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 8.3% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 8.3%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a politician.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 3, 2012)

Sad but true.


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## meatloaf109 (Sep 3, 2012)

back to the jokes


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## meatloaf109 (Sep 4, 2012)

Why did the blonde have square boobs?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.


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## meatloaf109 (Sep 4, 2012)

Blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under her arm, the bartender says, "Hey we don't allow mutts in the bar!"
Blonde says, "I will have you know that this is a pure-bred, award-winning poodle!"
Bartender says, "I was talkin' to the Poodle!"


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## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 5, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 8, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Sep 10, 2012)

An old man was weaving down the sidewalk at about 2 in the morning, when he was stopped by a police officer.
"Where are you going at this time of night?" asked the cop.
"I'll have you know, I am on my way to a lecture about the evils of alcohol and the destructive properties on the human body!" replied the old gentleman.
"Just who would be giving a lecture at this time of night?" asked the officer,
And the man said, "That would be my wife!"


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## Wayne Little (Sep 11, 2012)

Love it!


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## Gnomey (Sep 11, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 11, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 12, 2012)

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."


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## Wayne Little (Sep 12, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 12, 2012)

LMAO!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 13, 2012)

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody." The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi is it...the machine's or mine?"


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## meatloaf109 (Sep 13, 2012)

Good one!


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## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 14, 2012)

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 14, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Sep 18, 2012)

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 19, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Sep 19, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 19, 2012)

Two engineering students were biking across campus when one
commented, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, 
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."


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## meatloaf109 (Sep 19, 2012)

LOL, good one!


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## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 25, 2012)

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"


She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


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## michaelmaltby (Sep 26, 2012)

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees ..

Ees ..

Ees ....

Ees .....

Ees a_ ham_ bush...."


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## meatloaf109 (Sep 26, 2012)

Groan!


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## meatloaf109 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ok here's one you can tell your kids,
Remember the Olympic skier, Picabo Street? (pronounced Peek-a-boo)
Well, she is a nurse now, working in the Intensive Care Unit.
They won't let her answer the phone anymore,...
"Picabo, I.C.U."


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## Bucksnort101 (Sep 26, 2012)

That was so funny I forgot to laugh.


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## bobbysocks (Sep 26, 2012)

this is rather exciting and i am probably posting it in the wrong place but...

Google in conjunction with the Department of Education, and The National Organization of Teachers has come up with "Google's Word of the Week". The premise behind the effort is to promote literacy and the expansion and proper use of vocabulary. Through the search process participants will be exposed to lesser used words of the language. It is the goal that some of that will be retained and the quality of the language use will increase. All of the funding for this is being provided by Google themselves to encourage users to use Google Chrome ( which you MUST have to participate). To sweeten the pot and stimulate interest some very nice prizes ( including laptops, iPads, and money ) are being offered. Weekly winner's will be placed in a pool and drawn. 
The way it works is you get the app ( which is hard to find but I will give you a link later ) for the iphone, i pad, android phones, etc. Every week you open your app and are presented a "word". However, that is *NOT* “THE” word. The official "Word of the Week" will be a synonym, antonym, etc. of the one presented. This is to prompt you to use Google Thesaurus ( of course, and for which there is an app..who would guess) to see all the words associated to the one given you. That is where the hunt begins. Select the word you think it could be and look it up on ( you guessed it ) Google Dictionary. If you are correct and found the "Word" you will know when reading the example at the end of the definition and given a link. For example last week's word was “persistence”. Following the definition was the example something like: “Due to John’s persistence he found the Google Word of the Week and could win big. Congratulations, you have too! Click here. That takes you to the main site that has everything including the app. You enter your ID number ( given to you in the app ) and hopefully come out a winner. I have done this for the past couple weeks and was able to find one. It took a lot of hunting though. This week’s word is going to expire soon so instead of making you do the rat race I will give you the answer so you can enter and get the app. I am not much for educational things but if there are prizes involved I will give it a whirl. Good luck. OOOpps almost forgot. This week’s answer is Gullible. the link and everything you need to know is at the end of its definition..


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## gumbyk (Sep 26, 2012)

he he....
good one!


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## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2012)




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## Glider (Sep 27, 2012)

Banking... EXCELLENT

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account Â£30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9 

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


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## michaelmaltby (Sep 27, 2012)

Women drivers in the Kingdom of SA


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## Wayne Little (Sep 27, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 3, 2012)

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."


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## VBF-13 (Oct 3, 2012)




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## VBF-13 (Oct 3, 2012)

Here's a good one...

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.

Upon examination, he sees it's a genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops the genie who says, "I’m the genie of the lamp. I’ve been trapped in this lamp for a thousand years. For setting me free, I’ll grant you one wish."

The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulls out a map, and says, "It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East, and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot
of money or fame, but I'd like to use this one wish for peace in the Middle East."

The genie looked disappointed. He says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people in that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred are too far ingrained in that part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"

"Well," says the man, "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I’d like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women."

The genie replies, "Let me see that map, again."


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## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Oct 3, 2012)

LMFAO!! Too True!!!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 4, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 4, 2012)

During my physical, my Doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, and took four ‘leaks’ behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the Doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoors man!”

“No,” I replied, “I’m just a terrible golfer.”


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## Crimea_River (Oct 4, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 5, 2012)

For Lucky ....


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ_


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## RabidAlien (Oct 5, 2012)

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 5, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2012)




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## javlin (Oct 5, 2012)

Mike that Video was hilarious


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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 10, 2012)

No comment:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uVb-jnCqd4_


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 11, 2012)

Hard not to laugh at this one:

Captain of capsized cruise ship Costa Concordia says sacking unfair | World | News | Toronto Sun


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## javlin (Oct 11, 2012)

There was a small church in Texas that had a very 
big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently 
bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, 
she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and 
female.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said 
something had to be done about this or they would have to get another 
organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and 
told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of 
her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat 
any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your 
mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!. The 
perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the 
pulpit and said..Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not 
haff a thermon tewday


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## Gnomey (Oct 11, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 11, 2012)

michaelmaltby said:


> For Lucky ....
> 
> 
> _View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ_




LMAO!!!!!!!!


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## javlin (Oct 11, 2012)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> LMAO!!!!!!!!



I laugh my arse off at that one


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## Wayne Little (Oct 12, 2012)




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## razor1uk (Oct 12, 2012)

michaelmaltby said:


> Hard not to laugh at this one:
> Captain of capsized cruise ship Costa Concordia says sacking unfair | World | News | Toronto Sun


I think its funny that he thinks he has even a peg leg to stand on...

How the hells bells did he ever make Capitan surely he knows that the Ships Captain is where the buck stops under, during and in such traumatic and costly cases; sure he is only pat of the crew and human, but he is also the apex, the overseer, while he can attribute some blame upon others, he cannot do so at the ignorance of his own, lest he make himeself appear more inept than those under his guidance. 

If he successfully wins his damages, he'd better use the money for protection methinks, 32 families would want him, let alone anyone armed with rotten fruit and dairy products or anything more 'ripe'.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 15, 2012)

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied,

"Breakfast."


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## RabidAlien (Oct 15, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 15, 2012)

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Don't be f*cking stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.
Why the h*ll would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam..
I just couldn't believe someone screwed you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

(personal note....I'd've given the guy a raise!)


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 15, 2012)

To quote Walter," Welcome to Wal Mart, get your **** and get out!"


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## Wayne Little (Oct 16, 2012)




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## meatloaf109 (Oct 16, 2012)

Or "Family Guy" with Dick Channey as a greeter, "Go F*** yourself, go f*** yourself, go f*** yourself"


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 16, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 16, 2012)

Oddly enough, when I read that, I had CCheese's photo in my head the whole time....


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## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 19, 2012)

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


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## RabidAlien (Oct 19, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2012)

Tourists in Texas

A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter
sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!" 

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."


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## RabidAlien (Oct 21, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 21, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 22, 2012)

Worth the download .... a chuckle or two


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 27, 2012)

*The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard *

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. 
The first guy said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. 
They were even after the first few holes. 
The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?” 

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. 
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. 
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. 

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. 
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. 
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. 
The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.” 

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” 
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation…… 
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 27, 2012)

Good one...


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## RabidAlien (Oct 27, 2012)

LOL


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## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Oct 27, 2012)

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader . " Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
" DON'T SELL THAT COW."


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## Wayne Little (Oct 28, 2012)

like it!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 28, 2012)

Good ones guys!


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## v2 (Oct 29, 2012)

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: 
"Did you find the shampoo?" 
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."


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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 31, 2012)

who knew Hitler could sing .... .


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCJTR3XeiAc_


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## meatloaf109 (Oct 31, 2012)

Hmmm...
Well, as the dishonest butcher said as he handed out the empty sausage casings, "Happy Hollow-weenie!"


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## v2 (Nov 1, 2012)

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.


The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" 
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


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## Wurger (Nov 1, 2012)

He, he, he....


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## Wayne Little (Nov 1, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 1, 2012)

*Welcome to Air Middle Earth
*

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBlRbrB_Gnc_


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## Gnomey (Nov 1, 2012)




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## Geedee (Nov 2, 2012)

Just found this and thought it too good to not share...yup, I am slightly biased !!


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## RabidAlien (Nov 2, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 2, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 3, 2012)

Oh Yeah...


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## Gnomey (Nov 3, 2012)




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## Wurger (Nov 3, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 6, 2012)

Max Arlene lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota.
It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Max asked Arlene if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da
yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money
but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Arlene valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Max his beer,
she asked him, “Max, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at
da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Max replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”


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## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 7, 2012)




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## Bernhart (Nov 7, 2012)

newly wed, female possibly blonde id in a drug store shopping for toiletries rememebers her husband had asked for her to pick up some deodourant. not sure where to look she asks the clerk. clerk ask what type. Ball? No she says armpits


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## Wayne Little (Nov 8, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 8, 2012)

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."



today'sTHOT============================

Tried to play my shoehorn. Managed to make some footnotes.


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## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 8, 2012)

Who is the Boss?

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, “since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss.”

The feet said, “since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss.”

The hands said, “since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss.”

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the azzhole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the azzhole being the boss. The azzhole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the azzhole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the azzhole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don’t have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old azzhole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single azzhole.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 9, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 12, 2012)

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2012)

Quick way to shut them up!


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## Gnomey (Nov 16, 2012)

Indeed.


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## RabidAlien (Nov 16, 2012)

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!


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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 18, 2012)




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## Geedee (Nov 19, 2012)

EATING DURING THE FIFTIES

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming.
* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* Oranges only appeared at Christmas time in a stocking.
* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.
* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to add the salt or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
* Soft drinks were called pop.
* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.
* Rice was used in a milk pudding, and never ever part of our dinner.
* Brown bread was something only posh people ate.
* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking
* Bread and jam was a punishment.
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
* The tea cozy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.
* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.
* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea.
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but few ever ate them.
* Sweets and confectionery were called toffees.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.
* Salad cream was the only dressing for salads.
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* The starter was our main meal.
* Soup was a main meal.
* The menu consisted of what we were given and was set in stone
* Leftovers went in the dog.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
* Sauce was either brown or red.
* Fish was only eaten on Fridays and it was always cooked.
* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop and tasted better out of old newspapers.
* Frozen food was called ice cream and it came in one colour and one flavour.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.
* Healthy food consisted of anything edible and had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
* Calories were mentioned but they had nothing at all to do with food.
* The only criteria concerning the food that we ate were, did we like it and could we afford it.
* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
* Cheese only came in a hard lump.
* Bacon lettuce and tomato on the same sandwich would have been insane.
* A bun was a small cake.
* A tart was a fruit filled pastry.
* Eating outside was called a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.
* Offal was only eaten when we could afford it.
* Eggs only came fried or boiled.
* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday, in fact in those days it was compulsory.
* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.
* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was quite obvious that they would never catch on.
* We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.
* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days.
* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were just a rumour.
* Most soft fruits were seasonal except perhaps at Christmas.
* Prunes were medicinal.
* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin.
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.
* Water came out of the tap.
* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.
* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and botulism were all called "Food poisoning."
* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties, "Elbows" and 'Please may I leave the table' came at the end of every meal.

THE GOOD OLE DAYS?


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## Readie (Nov 19, 2012)

The best joke I have heard recently was the one about the eurozone....


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## Airframes (Nov 20, 2012)

Good one Gary. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be .....


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## Gnomey (Nov 20, 2012)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 20, 2012)

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "You would just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 20, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 21, 2012)

jesus lucky I finished my coffee....


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## RabidAlien (Nov 21, 2012)

ROTFLMBO!!!


----------



## Gnomey (Nov 22, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 23, 2012)

"A report out of Auckland, NZ described the theft of toilets from the Auckland Police Station. When asked if there were any leads, the chief said. "No, we have absolutely nothing to go on."


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## javlin (Nov 27, 2012)

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, 
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" 

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" 
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. 
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" 

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."


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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 27, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 28, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 28, 2012)

*Drinking and Driving*

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many martinis and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. 

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.


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## RabidAlien (Nov 28, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 28, 2012)

Good ones guys!


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## Gnomey (Nov 28, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 29, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Nov 30, 2012)

An ironworker calmly walked the narrow beam 15 floors above the city street. Even with heavy winds blowing and a driving rain falling, he showed no fear and never hesitated.
 
When he came down to ground level a man who had been watching asked, "How did you ever get a job like that?"

"Well," replied the ironworker, "I used to drive a school bus, but my nerves gave out."


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## Crimea_River (Nov 30, 2012)

Too right!


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## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 1, 2012)

Cool!


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 1, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 2, 2012)

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve, and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago - where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up, and started to cry. She said, “Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”

He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”


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## Gnomey (Dec 2, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 3, 2012)




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## muscogeemike (Dec 3, 2012)

Just heard this:
In the 60’s a UK radio is interviewing a WWII RAF pilot. The pilot is describing an encounter during the Battle of Britain - “I was over the channel and this Fokker got on my tail…”. 

The interviewer interrupted the pilot and said “by Fokker you mean a Focke Wulf?”.

The pilot said “No, the Fokker on me was flying a Messerschmitt!”.


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## v2 (Dec 4, 2012)

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’
She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’
Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly,
.
.
.
.
.
.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’*


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## RabidAlien (Dec 4, 2012)

I was half expecting him to cover her in a white flag!


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## javlin (Dec 4, 2012)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 4, 2012)

LMAO


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## Airframes (Dec 4, 2012)

I've told that one many times, in a 'Allo, Allo' French accent. The best reception it got was in an hotel - in the French Alps!!
Great joke.


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## VBF-13 (Dec 4, 2012)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 4, 2012)

Laughed out loud at this pic I saw on the news this morning:


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## Gnomey (Dec 4, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 5, 2012)

that's great Andy!


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## michaelmaltby (Dec 5, 2012)

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive."


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## Crimea_River (Dec 5, 2012)

That would be funnier if it weren't so true.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 6, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2012)




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## v2 (Dec 9, 2012)

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' 

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 9, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 9, 2012)




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## Bernhart (Dec 10, 2012)

a newfie (eastern Canadian province ) is driving in his home province sees a sign, lobster tail and beer sold here.

"Lord tunderin' Jesus" he says to himself" me tree favourite tings in one place!!"


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## Gnomey (Dec 10, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 10, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 10, 2012)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 10, 2012)

Newfy jokes!

Newfy 1: "Hey Shamus, ever wake up feelin' grumpy?"

Shamus: "Naw, I usually just lets 'er sleep."


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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 11, 2012)

As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in the world and at how my life was falling apart, I saw a yard sign that read:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-006-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican with a lawnmower showed up.


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## Geedee (Dec 11, 2012)

Was sent these today... 

I have quite a few that I can't post unfortunately, but still reckon these are good !

Oh yeah, the dogs owner replies in the green boxes


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## Crimea_River (Dec 11, 2012)

Gary, those are hilarious!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 11, 2012)

ROTFLMBO!!! I'd love to see the rest of em! Post em....POST EM!!!!


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## muscogeemike (Dec 11, 2012)

Just heard this:
In the 60’s a UK radio is interviewing a WWII RAF pilot. The pilot is describing an encounter during the Battle of Britain - “I was over the channel and this Fokker got on my tail…”. 

The interviewer interrupted the pilot and said “by Fokker you mean a Focke Wulf?”.

The pilot said “No, the Fokker on me was flying a Messerschmitt!”.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 12, 2012)

great stuff all round...


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## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 12, 2012)

LMAO!!!!!!Great stuff guys!!!!! Keep posting those Gary!


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## RabidAlien (Dec 14, 2012)

Comments that can only be stated aloud during the Christmas season:

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5. I’ve never seen a better spread!
6. I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19. I’m so full, I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more.


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## A4K (Dec 14, 2012)

Guys!  

My contribution:

Two fish in a tank. One says 'hey, how do you drive this thing?'


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## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 14, 2012)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 15, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 16, 2012)

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation
to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news...
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be
able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be
rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our
VISA and MasterCard bills yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check
to the IRS this quarter?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”


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## RabidAlien (Dec 16, 2012)

With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it... any suggestions?


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## Bernhart (Dec 16, 2012)

some Christmas thoughts

Can't Wait Till Christmas.....

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adultbookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?'

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool laneduring rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for thetraditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!


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## Crimea_River (Dec 16, 2012)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 16, 2012)




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## ccheese (Dec 16, 2012)

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 17, 2012)




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## Glider (Dec 17, 2012)

I like item 4


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## Crimea_River (Dec 17, 2012)

ccheese said:


> -----------------------
> 
> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' .......... There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'



Hear hear! This forum could take a lesson from that as well. I will continue to use the u's along with the rest of the world despite them constantly triggering spelling error alerts.


----------



## meatloaf109 (Dec 17, 2012)

ccheese said:


> A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
> 
> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
> 
> ...


1. Only if you guys will pronounce "Aluminum" correctly.
2. Sure.
3. No. That would leave July without a holiday, think of the poor Government workers.
4. Suits me.
5. But my veggie peeler makes me feel like a man!
6. Could be fun.
7. No. Reinstate the entire Empire and we all can pay 10 cents a gallon again.
8. But, I like catsup...
9. O.k., but it still needs to be cold.
10. Agreed, Andie McDowell should be exiled to Siberia.
11. Only if I still don't have to watch it.
12. See above.
13. L.B.J., the C.I.A., Cubans, the Mafia, take your pick, the one guy who didn't was Lee Oswald.
14. And this would be different,...How?
15. And sammiches!


----------



## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 18, 2012)




----------



## v2 (Dec 18, 2012)

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. 

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents, life long Labor voters, were standing there, so I asked her, 

"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow! what a worthy goal!" I said. "But that costs money and you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 

"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Dec 18, 2012)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 19, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 19, 2012)




----------



## Wayne Little (Dec 20, 2012)

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 20, 2012)




----------



## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2012)




----------



## Bucksnort101 (Dec 21, 2012)

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope the reindeer and the elves are well. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you can remember that on Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine, and thank you for asking about them. However, Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you! have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something! to play with outside.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, as set forth by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who only goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged that you have indeed met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request, and in no way is it a guarantee of services to be provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer! ever since the Burgermeister –v- Meisterburger incident, and ! will be more than happy to meet you in court Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King French fry bin.
Very Truly Yours,
S. Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want, and I expect you to bring it. I was trying to be polite about this, but you brought in my looks and my friends. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys, and we're gonna be waiting for your fat a$$, and I'm be jus’ taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night, and never gets caught sweats a thug g-banger wannabe? Does "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake." sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world, and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a$$, and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Please bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa


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## RabidAlien (Dec 21, 2012)

ROTFLMBO!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 23, 2012)

Good one


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 25, 2012)




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## Gnomey (Dec 25, 2012)




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## RabidAlien (Dec 29, 2012)

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear!


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## meatloaf109 (Dec 29, 2012)

Now I will have to try that!


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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2012)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 29, 2012)

meatloaf109 said:


> Now I will have to try that!



I would if I could remember it.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 29, 2012)

Paul, just make sure it is in North Carolina, ok. I don't want you ahead of me in line.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 30, 2012)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 5, 2013)

A public school substitute teacher was arrested today at Reagan Airport as he attempted to board a flight to visit his daughter in Florida while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President. 

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.


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## RabidAlien (Jan 5, 2013)

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.
Very confused one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" Cause his mom's here with his lunch."


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## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 6, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 11, 2013)

Goodnight!! 

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: 

"God bless Mommy, 
God bless Daddy, 
God bless Grandma and 
good-bye Grandpa." 

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. 
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 

"God bless Mommy, 
God Bless Daddy and 
good-bye Grandma." 

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 


"God bless Mommy and 
good-bye Daddy." 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. 

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" 

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." 

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

----------------------------


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## michaelmaltby (Jan 11, 2013)

A good woman can bring stability and direction to a man's life ...


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## RabidAlien (Jan 11, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2013)




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## Wurger (Jan 11, 2013)




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## Night Fighter Nut (Jan 11, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 11, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 12, 2013)

Love it..!!


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 12, 2013)




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## Geedee (Jan 12, 2013)

First Spitfire to be uncovered by archaeologist's in Burma dig !!!!!


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## hedge hopper (Jan 12, 2013)

Nice-one Gary, but was it full or empty...?


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## Crimea_River (Jan 12, 2013)

Only 30 more to go, or was that 43, no wait 60, yeah that's it, oh yeah, I meant 120, yeah yeah, 120, they're everywhere man!


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## hedge hopper (Jan 12, 2013)

I think that may well be an omen, only there in spirit !! Nothing left to give !!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 13, 2013)

Good one Gary...


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## Gnomey (Jan 13, 2013)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 14, 2013)

Making Babies In Canada


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## Crimea_River (Jan 14, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 15, 2013)

That's great!


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## Gnomey (Jan 15, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 16, 2013)

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"


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## Crimea_River (Jan 16, 2013)




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## Matt308 (Jan 16, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 18, 2013)

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."


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## RabidAlien (Jan 18, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 19, 2013)

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" (Senator-Congressman etc) is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter... 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.... ....
..............Today you voted.'


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## Wayne Little (Jan 19, 2013)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 19, 2013)

NICE!


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## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2013)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 19, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 20, 2013)

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."


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## RabidAlien (Jan 20, 2013)




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## v2 (Jan 21, 2013)

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a
dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,
so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hilary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her
motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set
herself on fire. 

She says her husband has spent all her money and the
Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2016.

So we're taking up a collection for her." The stock broker asked, 
"How much have you got so far?" The officer replied,
"Only about 3-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.


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## meatloaf109 (Jan 21, 2013)

President Obama is being sworn in today.
As opposed to every other day where he gets sworn at!


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## RabidAlien (Jan 21, 2013)

Excellent, both of them!


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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2013)




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## Night Fighter Nut (Jan 22, 2013)

I saw a movie based off of a play called, "1776". This was made in 1972. At the beginning of the movie, John Adams walks into the meeting room and loudly proclaims the following, "...It is said that a worthless man is a Disgrace!; that two are called a lawfirm, and three or more are called a Congress!..." 

Another quote from the movie was when different representatives were headed home for vacation and one of them proclaims..."I'm off to refresh the misses!"


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## Wayne Little (Jan 23, 2013)




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## Glider (Jan 24, 2013)

Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . .. . . . Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . . . . .

'Hello?' 

'Hi honey. 
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone ?' 

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul..' 

After a brief pause, 

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.' 

Brief Pause. 

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 


'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.' 

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 

'I did it, Daddy.' 

'And what happened, honey ?' 

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. 
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!' 

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?' 

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause 

Longer Pause 

Even Longer Pause 

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool . . . . . . . . ?? 

Is this 486-5731 ?' 

No, I think you have the wrong number........


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## v2 (Jan 24, 2013)

Female communication meets male logic:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados.”


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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2013)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 24, 2013)

Logical to me!


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## RabidAlien (Jan 24, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 25, 2013)

Excellent!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2013)

Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument

1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something? 
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. 
3. You are just upset because you butt is beginning to spread. 
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? 
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on. 
8. Looks like someone had a bowl of bitch flakes this morning! 
9. Is there anyway we can do this via e-mail? 
10. *Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.*


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## Gnomey (Jan 26, 2013)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 26, 2013)

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”


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## RabidAlien (Jan 26, 2013)

Lady: “Do you drink?”

Man: “Yes.”

Lady: “How much a day?”

Man: “Three six packs.”

Lady: “How much per six pack?”

Man: “About $10.00.”

Lady: “And how long have you been drinking?”

Man: “15 years.”

Lady: “So, one six pack costs $10.00, and you have three six packs a day, which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 - correct?”

Man: “Correct.”

Lady: “If in one year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 - correct?”

Man: “Correct.”

Lady: “Do you know that if you hadn’t drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account. And, after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?”

Man: “Do you drink?”

Lady: “No.”

Man: “Where’s your Ferrari?”


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## tengu1979 (Jan 26, 2013)

OK hopefully it wasnt here (sorry no time to look through all of them.....

An Atheist died and went straight to hell. Devil greet him - takes him to luxury apartment, gives keys to a ferrari opens a bar full of best drinks etc..... and says he will spend eternity here.
Ok - replies the man - but what were those poor people boiled in lava and tar???
Oh - those are Christians - they created it for themselves...


The other joke of similar thene
Pope dies and stands in the front of the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter opens and asks: - Who are you????
The Pope - replies the man - The head of Catholic Church.
Head of what???
Catholic Church - the biggest church of God and Lord Jeasus on Earth.
Never heard of it.... - Replies St. Peter - Wait here I'll ask the boss.
Goes to God and says. - There is someone who says he is the Pope and is a head of Catholic Church.
What in heavens is that???? - Asks God.
I Have no Idea. - Replied St. Peter.
Jesus????!!!! 
Yes Father
There is someone called the Pope and is a Head of Catholic church, any Ideas what it is???
No, Not aclue Father but i'll go and ask.
Returns in couple of minutes laughing all the way.
Whats so funny??? - asks God
Do you remember this Fishermans Assosiation i created on Earth about 2000 years ago. 
Yes I do
They are still in business.....


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 26, 2013)

LMAO


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## Wayne Little (Jan 27, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Jan 27, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 28, 2013)

Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ?? 

(Well, some of them are!!! )


I wish I'd thought of this... 

At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. 

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4. 

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.


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## tengu1979 (Jan 28, 2013)

10 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You can enjoy beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5. Hangovers go away.
6. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
7. After you’ve had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime
8. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
9. You can have a beer in public, and most importantly,
10. If you change beers you don’t have to pay alimony.

10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends

1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period


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## Wayne Little (Jan 29, 2013)




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## RabidAlien (Jan 29, 2013)

SLEEPING IN THE BARN

A Congressman and two friends - a rabbi and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.


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## tengu1979 (Jan 29, 2013)

WOMEN: 

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Valvoline Instant Oil Change when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change. 

2. Drink a cup of coffee while they change the oil. 

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. 

Cost: $29.99 oil change, $2.00 coffee. Total $32.00 

MEN: 

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto parts store. Buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner (don't forget a little tree air freshener). Write a check to the auto parts store for approximately $50. 

2. Stop by 7/11 on the way home, buy a case of beer. Write a check for $20.00. 

3. Drive home with oil and beer. 

4. Open beer, enjoy it. 

5. Spend 30 minutes looking for the jack stands. 

6. Find the jack stands (finally) under the kid's pedal car, jack the car up. 

7. Open another beer, drink it. 

8. Place drain pan under engine. 

9. Look for 9/16" box end wrench for drain plug 

10. Give up looking ten minutes later, find crescent wrench. 

11. Unscrew drain plug. 

12. Drop drain plug into pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil onto your hands and face in the process. Cuss and swear. 

13. Crawl out from under car, wipe hot oil from hands and face. Throw some kitty litter on the spilled oil. 

14. Open another beer while watching the last drops of oil drain. 

15. Spend 30 minutes looking for the oil filter wrench. 

16. Give up looking for oil filter wrench, crawl under car and hammer a flat-head screwdriver through the oil filter and twist it off. 

17. Crawl out from under car, splashing hot oil everywhere from newly made holes in oil filter. 

18. Cleverly hide used oil filter in trash to avoid those pesky environmental penalties. Open another beer. 

19. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to the gasket. 

20. Pour the first quart of new oil into engine. 

21. Oops! Now remember the drain plug (removed in step 11). It's still swimming in the now-warm oil in the drain pan. 

22. Throw more kitty litter on the quart-sized oil puddle on the floor. 

23. Open another beer and drink it. 

24. Find drain plug with a minimum of spillage, hand-tighten in drain plug socket. Drink beer. 

25. Crawl under car (getting oily kitty litter embedded in neck and arms). Tighten drain plug with crescent wrench, but this time, it's slippery. Bang your knuckles on the frame while tightening drain plug. 

26. Throw crescent wrench across the garage in anger. Throw a fit because crescent wrench hits bowling trophy (which wife wouldn't let stay in the house). 

27. Open another beer and drink it. 

28. Clean hands, bandaging where needed to stop blood flow. 

29. Pour in five quarts of fresh oil. 

30. Lower car from jack stands. Smile at your handiwork. Open another beer and drink it. 

31. Move car back to discover oil puddles you missed; apply more kitty litter to missed areas. 

32. Test drive car to make sure oil doesn't leak. 

33. Get pulled over a block from the house by local police, get arrested for DUI. 

34. Call loving wife and bail bondsman. 

35. Next day, get car out of impound yard. 

Cost: $50 parts, $20 beer, Impound fee $75, Bail $1500, DUI $2500 minimum. Total $4145 (but you know the job was done right!)


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## Gnomey (Jan 29, 2013)




----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 29, 2013)

I see nothing wrong with that method.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 30, 2013)




----------



## Wildcat (Jan 30, 2013)

Apart from the DUI bit, we've all been there done that!


----------



## RabidAlien (Jan 30, 2013)

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ..."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "You are an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa. Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."


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## tengu1979 (Jan 31, 2013)

Now there comes a nasty one:

The man comes into the brothel and sees a very good looking hooker in her 40s with a sign on her neck saying:
"If you wanna succeed go upstairs"
He goes upstairs and see even more beautiful chick with sign again:
"If you wanna succeed go upstairs"
So he goes further upstairs and see a totally gorgeus girl in her 20s with the same sign:
"If you wanna succeed go upstairs"
He goes to the top floor and there is only a small door before him. He knocks and:
There opens a fat, filthy, beer and pizza stained hairy man, and says:
"HI. I'm Sid"


----------



## Wayne Little (Jan 31, 2013)




----------



## Night Fighter Nut (Jan 31, 2013)

ummmm... yeah.


----------



## Wurger (Jan 31, 2013)




----------



## Geedee (Jan 31, 2013)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up. 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. 

She repeats this gesture about five more times... 

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied. 

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' 

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'


----------



## Wurger (Jan 31, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 1, 2013)




----------



## Geedee (Feb 1, 2013)

I recently changed to a new doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive blood and urine tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I have just reached 73).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the hell do you want to live to 90?


----------



## Wurger (Feb 1, 2013)

He, he, he...


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2013)




----------



## meatloaf109 (Feb 2, 2013)

My feelings exactly!


----------



## michaelmaltby (Feb 2, 2013)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up down the aisles.. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. 

She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store 

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. 

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. 

MM


----------



## Geedee (Feb 3, 2013)

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view) 
The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day?
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 3, 2013)

Good one Gary...


----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 3, 2013)

LMFAO!


----------



## Airframes (Feb 3, 2013)

That's _another_ pair of trousers ruined Gary!


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 3, 2013)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Feb 6, 2013)

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."


----------



## ToughOmbre (Feb 6, 2013)

*The Sensitive Man*

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his 
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, 
she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. 

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 
"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. 

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in 
the afterglow. 

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" 

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says..... 

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf" 

Steve


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 7, 2013)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 7, 2013)

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie.

As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.

The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.

When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."


----------



## Night Fighter Nut (Feb 7, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2013)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 8, 2013)

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should take:

- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 kgs of rock salt
- Torch or lantern with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon petrol can
- First aid kit
- Jump leads

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.


----------



## futuredogfight (Feb 8, 2013)




----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 8, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 8, 2013)

....and A-Fricken-Men!


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 9, 2013)

Damn straight...as long as they know how to use it...


----------



## futuredogfight (Feb 9, 2013)

Yep!


----------



## Glider (Feb 9, 2013)

Reported in a Liverpool paper

A man got on the train in a rush, sat down next to a woman, picked up his mobile phone and got through to someone. He then asked to speak to his wife and started apologising in a loud voice for being two hours late. This went on for about fifteen minutes protesting that it was a sudden meeting.
The woman had enough leant across and said into the phone, _Mike darling come back to bed _and cut the phone off.

Transport police had to be called


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2013)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 10, 2013)

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that since her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2013)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 11, 2013)

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to
gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"

"1215," the guide answered.

The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an
hour."


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2013)




----------



## tengu1979 (Feb 12, 2013)

I just hope I will not offend anyone but I find it hilarious...

The Airliner Cruises over the Pacific. Captain is Jewish and Co-pilot Chineese. 
Suddenly Captain says:
- I hate Chineese
_why you hate Chineese? - asks co-pilot
- Cause they bombed Pearl Harbor
- That was Japanese not Chineese
- Japaneese, Chineese, Vietnameese they are all the same.
They continue flight in complete silence till co-pilot turns ands says:
- And I hate Jews
- Why do you hate jews?
- Cause they sank Titanic
- It was no Jew it was an Iceberg
- Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg they are all the same....


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 12, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 14, 2013)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 16, 2013)

• “A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.” ~ Tex Guinan

• “Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.” ~ Gore Vidal

• “Don’t vote; it only encourages them.” ~ Author Unknown

• “I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.” ~ Charles de Gaulle

• “I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.” ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

• “If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” ~ Jay Leno

• “If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.” ~ Will Rogers

• “Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.” ~ Doug Larson

• “Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” ~ John Quinton

• “Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.” ~ Nikita Khrushchev

• “Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.” ~ Oscar Ameringer

• “The problem with political jokes is they get elected.” ~ Henry Cate, VII

• “There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.” ~ Will Rogers

• “Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” ~ Plato

• “We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ~ Aesop

• “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” ~ Clarence Darrow

• “Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.” ~ Author Unknown


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2013)




----------



## javlin (Feb 16, 2013)

Happy Bday Hugh  


An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where
he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 16, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 16, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 17, 2013)




----------



## javlin (Feb 17, 2013)

Things Confucius did not say......

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Lion will not cheat on wife, but tiger woods.


----------



## Matt308 (Feb 17, 2013)

Those were damn clever.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 17, 2013)

Good find RA!


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2013)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Feb 17, 2013)

Harold Roger, two Engineers from Newfoundland, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of dis here flagpole says Harold, but we gots no jesus ladder'


The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and proudly announced 'twenty one feet, six inches' and walked away.


Roger just shakes his head and laughed, ' lord tunderin jesus, Harold, just like a woman, we want the height and she gives us the godamn length'.


----------



## gumbyk (Feb 17, 2013)

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" 

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."


----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 17, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 18, 2013)

Bunch of good ones...


----------



## Gastounet (Feb 18, 2013)

A man came home late in the evening.
When passing in front of his daughter's room, he could hear a strange noise.
"What does this mean, he thought, a libidinous guy in my daughter's room!"
He opened the door abruptly, and caught her daughter in the act of playing with a dildo.
"I don't like men, she said, and I don't like women! This is the only way for me to have pleasure".
The day after, when the mother entered the dining-room, she saw her husband
sitting, and in front of him, on the table, two glasses of whisky and a dildo.
"What are you doing?" she said.
"Don't you see, I'm just having an aperitif with my son in law!"


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## Gastounet (Feb 18, 2013)

A man came home late in the evening.
When passing in front of his daughter's room, he could hear a strange noise.
"What does this mean, he thought, a libidinous guy in my daughter's room!"
He opened the door abruptly, and caught her daughter in the act of playing with a dildo.
"I don't like men, she said, and I don't like women! This is the only way for me to have pleasure".
The day after, when the mother entered the dining-room, she saw her husband
sitting, and in front of him, on the table, two glasses of whisky and a dildo.
"What are you doing?" she said.
"Don't you see, I'm just having an aperitif with my son in law!"


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 19, 2013)




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## Geedee (Feb 19, 2013)

"Have you ever seen a twenty Pound note all crumpled up?" asked my wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 19, 2013)




----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 19, 2013)

ouch!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 19, 2013)




----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 19, 2013)

Sounds pretty close to home Gary!


----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 19, 2013)

Canadian innovation at work!


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDkabArjCQU_


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 20, 2013)

Is that your other job Andy...


----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 20, 2013)

Drinking beer?

Yes.


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 21, 2013)

Isn't that everybodies other job though?


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## meatloaf109 (Feb 21, 2013)

Crimea_River said:


> Canadian innovation at work!
> 
> 
> _View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDkabArjCQU_



Looks like something Red Green came up with! Dang, I miss that show!


----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, especially the Mexican solder.


----------



## RabidAlien (Feb 22, 2013)

A man stopped at a local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.

He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a recycle container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Greg and Matt. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree, and Matt here puts the dirt back. Greg's job's been cut so now it's just me an' Matt."


----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 22, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2013)




----------



## fubar57 (Feb 24, 2013)

*One Heck of a Photoshop*







Geo


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 24, 2013)

Heavy duty stuff!


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## RabidAlien (Feb 24, 2013)

Photoshop Level: Epic! Could also make for one sweet kit-build mashup!

***********************


I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents”
I replied: “12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads,
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons,
Half of Mexico, and
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I keep asking myself, who the heck did I miss?


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## Shortround6 (Feb 24, 2013)

RabidAlien said:


> 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.”
> Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
> I keep asking myself, who the heck did I miss?



Their 30,000 staffers?


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## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 24, 2013)

NICE!


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2013)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Feb 25, 2013)

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer clocked a car puttering along at 27 kilometres an hour. 

A typical clue that it‚s a defective car or a drunk driver behind the wheel, he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. 

Approaching the car, he noticed that it is full of old ladies, two in the front and three in the back...wide-eyed and white as ghosts. 

The driver, obviously confused, said to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What is the problem?" 

The car was new, and purred like a kitten. The driver showed no signs of having been drinking. 

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-seven kilometres an hour!".she said.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that 27 is the highway number, not the speed limit. 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 

He said, "Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? Your friends seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 189."


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 26, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Feb 26, 2013)




----------



## parsifal (Feb 26, 2013)

Mathematics: This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. 
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint... 
it goes like this: 

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they 
are giving more than 100%? We have all been 
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life? 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

Is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 
20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 

And 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work andKnowledge will get you close, andAttitudewill get you there, its theBullshit and Ass Kissingthat will put you over the top. 
Now you know why some people are where they are!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 26, 2013)

Good one Parsifal, I like that.


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 27, 2013)

brilliant...


----------



## Airframes (Feb 27, 2013)

Love it !


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 28, 2013)

Ten things to say if you are caught sleeping at your desk


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You got here just in time!"
7. "I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress."
4. "For Pete's sake! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...


1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."


----------



## vonmallard (Feb 28, 2013)

"I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest male organ she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 28, 2013)




----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 1, 2013)




----------



## Airframes (Mar 1, 2013)

That's great one for Karl to use Andy !


----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 1, 2013)

He's free to do so. It's making the e-mail circuit.


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2013)




----------



## javlin (Mar 8, 2013)

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to
her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again.


----------



## BikerBabe (Mar 8, 2013)

What people think Old English is: Thou art indeed a fine lad, prithee yonder! Wherefore arest mine pantalones?

What it actually is: 
Syððan ǽrest wearð feasceaft funden, hé þæs frófre gebád, wéox under wolcnum weorðmyndum þáh, oð þæt him ǽghwylc ymbsittendra ofer hron-ráde hýran scolde, gomban gyldan. Þæt wæs gód cyning!


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2013)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Mar 9, 2013)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fqCS7Y_kME_!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Mar 9, 2013)

LMAO!


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 10, 2013)




----------



## v2 (Mar 13, 2013)

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While there the wife took ill and passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." 
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. 

... The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" 

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 13, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 13, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2013)

better to be safe than sorry!


----------



## michaelmaltby (Mar 19, 2013)

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of 
the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a 
big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and 
stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about 
it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize 
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead 
and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging 
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand 
appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came 
through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down 
the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and 
ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. 
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was 
crying... And wasn't drunk. 
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from 
the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and 
out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing 
at the bar, one said to the other.... 

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we 
were pushing it.


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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 20, 2013)




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## VBF-13 (Mar 20, 2013)

*DUI STOP*
COP: "What were you thinking getting behind the steering wheel of a car?"
DRIVER: "I was too drunk to walk."

*JOB APPLICATION*
QUESTION: "Do you drink on the job?"
ANSWER: "No more than usual."


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## v2 (Mar 20, 2013)

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. 
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. 
He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.” 

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren” and... *POOF*... she's gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna” and... *POOF*... she's gone.

The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini...”

St. Peter looks perplexed, “Who?” he asks. 

“Sara Pipalini”, replies the nun. 

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.” 

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. 

St. Peter reads the paper headline and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says... 

“No sister, what the paper here says is that 1,400 vigorous men laid the Sahara Pipeline!!!”


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## Wayne Little (Mar 21, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 21, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 22, 2013)

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 22, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Mar 23, 2013)




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## Wurger (Mar 23, 2013)




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## javlin (Mar 24, 2013)

Thats a good one Wayne.


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## javlin (Mar 24, 2013)

Not a joke but thought a reminder about life.Cheers Guys

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted
Her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. 

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. 

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. 

'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.. 

'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply? 

'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my
Right hand.' 

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. 

That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked. 

'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor. 

The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part
Because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' 

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.' 

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. 

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled. 

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about
The fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. 

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2013)




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## BikerBabe (Mar 25, 2013)

True. Thanks.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 25, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 26, 2013)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 26, 2013)

Kevin, good one.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 27, 2013)

psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."


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## Wurger (Mar 27, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 27, 2013)




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## fubar57 (Mar 27, 2013)

Geo


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 27, 2013)

It it's a fair fight...............................................your doing SOMETHING wrong!!!


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## Night Fighter Nut (Mar 27, 2013)

My motto exactly.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2013)




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## Airframes (Mar 28, 2013)

Paddy arranges a blind date for his friend, Mick, and tells him the lady will meet him in O' Reilly's bar at seven o clock that evening. He then says "By the way, she's expecting a baby".
Next day, Paddy sees Mick and asks him how the blind date went.
"Sure it was fine." he said, "But she was an hour late, and I felt a right prat sitting there that long wearing that nappy".


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## Bucksnort101 (Mar 28, 2013)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 229163
> 
> 
> Geo


 
Rule #2 - Dont lean too heavily on a house supported by cinder blocks!


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## javlin (Mar 28, 2013)

...........


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## michaelmaltby (Mar 30, 2013)

Perhaps the focus should be on the U.K. instead of Norway:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJLqyuxm96k_

MM


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## Airframes (Mar 30, 2013)

A friend of mine works in an Opticians. A Czech fellow came into the shop yesterday for an eye test, so my friend told him to read this card :- CVKPNWXSCZY.
"Read it?" the Czech guy asked. "I know him!".


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 30, 2013)

Ba-Dump-Bump-tssshhhh.
I'll get my coat.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2013)

Strewth Terry.....


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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2013)




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## Airframes (Mar 31, 2013)

Sorry chaps - been looking at my mate's 'Readers Digest book of Humour' - not a good book !


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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2013)




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## fubar57 (Apr 3, 2013)

Geo


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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't that beat all...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 4, 2013)

What'll they think of next?


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## Gnomey (Apr 5, 2013)




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## Njaco (Apr 5, 2013)

You guys have got to check the Customer Reviews on this product! OMG, its friggin funny!!

Amazon.com: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer: Kitchen Dining


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 5, 2013)

That is beyond words Chris.LMAO!!!!!


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 5, 2013)

It makes you wonder why the prior 570 versions failed....


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## fubar57 (Apr 5, 2013)

Chris. I'll see your awesome Banana Slicer Reviews and raise you with this....The Epic "Three Wolf Moon Short SleeveTee" Reviews. Your 3000+ reviews do trumps my 2400+ reviews however.
Amazon.com: The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee: Clothing

Geo


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 6, 2013)

Back to serious humor ...


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## Wayne Little (Apr 7, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Apr 7, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 8, 2013)

Blonde Breakdown

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand
facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. 

And she said... 




"Those are my emergency flashers!"


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## Airframes (Apr 8, 2013)

Your coat's by the door ....


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## meatloaf109 (Apr 8, 2013)

And I'll get your hat. If you don't have one, I'll buy one.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 8, 2013)

Nice one Paul!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 9, 2013)

Airframes said:


> Your coat's by the door ....



Thanks Terry...forgot where I put it....


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 9, 2013)

This guy wants to have a luau cook-out. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 9, 2013)

*More Insight into North Korea's young Kim*


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## Gnomey (Apr 9, 2013)




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## razor1uk (Apr 9, 2013)

"...I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. ..."
from the Wolf Shirt link.

Funny Kim Jong Un pics.. although painting themselves into a corner, might me they do jump unexpectedly - hopefully not, but its potentially nearly as hot as during Cuban Missile Crisis as the days and antagonism escalates across all involved..


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 10, 2013)

Lil Kim is China's problem -- if he misfires the world is rightly going to blame_ China _for keeping a rabid dog on the property. The beauty of this is that no one has to tell this to China ..... 

MM


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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2013)

I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, "What are my choices?"

And she said, "Yes or no."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 10, 2013)

Wayne.


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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2013)




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## Snautzer01 (Apr 12, 2013)

A guy had an interesting experience recently
involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62.
She was drinking quite a bit and,
while they were chatting,
she came right out and asked him
if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double"
- a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him
into it. So she slams back one last drink,
wipes her mouth and, looking directly into
his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the
hall light right as they enter her place, and she
shouts upstairs:


"Mom! You still awake?"


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## Snautzer01 (Apr 12, 2013)

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes round the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 9 mm, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look p oor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answ er:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BAN! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ...
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"


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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2013)




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## Snautzer01 (Apr 12, 2013)

cant help it i'm still are laughing out loud on the Redneck response. And i read it 12 times by now


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## Snautzer01 (Apr 12, 2013)

make that 13 "Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"


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## Wayne Little (Apr 13, 2013)

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women.

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

8. 

9. 

10.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 14, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2013)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 14, 2013)

Are those in order Wayne?


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## Wayne Little (Apr 15, 2013)

Crimea_River said:


> Are those in order Wayne?



Any order you like mate....result is still the same...


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## Njaco (Apr 15, 2013)

This as sad as it is funny....

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener, and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

*TWO*
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. 
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

*THREE*
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

*FOUR*
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

*FIVE*
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

*SIX*
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!! 
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...


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## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2013)

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. 

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." 

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2013)

'You can clear up the mess now, but don't touch my coffin...'


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## Gnomey (Apr 20, 2013)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 20, 2013)




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## Night Fighter Nut (Apr 21, 2013)

It can be mathematically proven that girls are evil.

Girls = Time x Money

Time = Money

Girls = Money x Money

Since money is the root of all evil we can express this as: Money = Root of Evil

Root of Evil x Root of Evil = Evil

Therefore...

Girls = Evil.

See! Where would we be without math.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2013)




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## javlin (Apr 21, 2013)

"Dogs Welcome" 
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. 
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. 
He is well-groomed and very well behaved. 
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" 
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. 
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. 
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. 
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. 
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. 
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 21, 2013)

Damn.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 22, 2013)




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## Geedee (Apr 22, 2013)

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the Sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19..95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19..95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'. 
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'
The annoyed sales person rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. 


AUSTRALIAN ROMANCE AT ITS BEST 
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. 
If you are laughing, send me your smile. 
If you are eating, send me a bite. 
If you are drinking, send me a sip. 
If you are crying, send me your tears. 
Love you."

His text response......

”In the toilet having a cr*p, please advise.”


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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2013)




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## Bucksnort101 (Apr 22, 2013)

Snautzer01 said:


> Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck
> 
> Here is a little test that will help you decide.
> 
> ...



Looks like I'm a Redneck


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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2013)

Geedee said:


> AUSTRALIAN ROMANCE AT ITS BEST
> A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............
> 
> "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
> ...


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## v2 (Apr 26, 2013)

It's a joke folks, it's a joke...


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2013)




----------



## Wurger (Apr 26, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 26, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2013)

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


----------



## VBF-13 (Apr 28, 2013)




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## VBF-13 (Apr 28, 2013)

RAFFLING A DEAD MULE

An old country farmer with serious financial troubles bought a mule from another farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

However, the next day the other farmer drove up, and said, "Sorry, I have some bad news. The mule died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the mule."

"What are you going to do with a dead mule?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"

"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."


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## v2 (Apr 28, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 28, 2013)




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## VBF-13 (Apr 28, 2013)

HOW MEN AND WOMEN RECORD EVENTS IN THEIR DIARIES

------ WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. 

He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

-----HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A two-foot putt!!!..........who in the hell misses a two-foot putt?


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## Wayne Little (Apr 29, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2013)




----------



## gumbyk (Apr 29, 2013)

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. 

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, 

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." 

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."


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## razor1uk (Apr 29, 2013)

That deserves a 'dirty/smutt/kinkyness' induced Muhuhahahaha, who needs viagra, just get/give it some wella....


----------



## Wurger (Apr 29, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Apr 29, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2013)




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## Gnomey (May 1, 2013)




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## v2 (May 2, 2013)

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"


"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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## Gnomey (May 3, 2013)




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## vikingBerserker (May 4, 2013)

V2, that was awesome!

______________

An interesting video on a little known secreft Luftwaffe Weapon:

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwlbCLX7aZk_


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## Wayne Little (May 4, 2013)




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## Wurger (May 4, 2013)




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## Airframes (May 4, 2013)

Quite well done, and amusing. The 'still' of the VW is a post 1960s model though, and the one bouncing along the ground is very well blended imagery, altered from the 'Upkeep' bouncing bomb trials at Chesil beach.


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## Gnomey (May 4, 2013)

Still pretty funny though!


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## wheelsup_cavu (May 9, 2013)

Funny stuff guys. 


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (May 11, 2013)

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Army, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Navy, sir."


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## Gnomey (May 11, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (May 12, 2013)

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little Mon-key came out of the brush
and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the Mon-key and said,
"I wish you could talk." The Mon-key looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the Mon-key nodded his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the Mon-key. "What happened?" The Mon-key pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "What else?" The Mon-key pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "What else?" The Mon-key motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" 

......."Driving" motioned the Mon-key.


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## Gnomey (May 12, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (May 13, 2013)

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their sexual encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to accurately guess how frequently they had sex. That was until he came to the last man in line... this guy was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day." guessed the therapist. "No." said the man. "Oh, then how about once a day?". Again, grinning like a cheshire cat said "No." ..."Twice a week?"..."No"..."Twice a month?"..."No"..."Every second month?"..."No"..."Okay, then. How often DO you have sex?" The man replied, "Once a year." The therapist was a bit confused. "Then why in the heck are you smiling?"... The man said," 'Cuz tonight's the night!"


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## v2 (May 14, 2013)




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## vikingBerserker (May 14, 2013)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (May 14, 2013)




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## javlin (May 15, 2013)

… and You Thought Your Day was Going Bad


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## nincomp (May 16, 2013)

Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!

This actually happened to a possum on my back porch. Although I do not like possums, I could not help but feel sorry for this one. Now this was a BIG possum, with many, many sharp teeth, but I could not leave the poor guy that way. I bent apart the two pieces of steel which had trapped his family jewels and he escaped. 

That possum has never dared to come that near the house since.


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## Crimea_River (May 16, 2013)

..and you didn't have to worry about his kids either....


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## Gnomey (May 16, 2013)

Ouch!


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## vikingBerserker (May 16, 2013)

DAMMIT, WARN ME NEXT TIME!!!

My legs are going to be crossed all night now!


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## nincomp (May 17, 2013)

Crimea_River said:


> ..and you didn't have to worry about his kids either....



You know, I never thought about it that way.... I am glad that there are people here to do my thinking for me.


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## Wayne Little (May 18, 2013)




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## javlin (May 18, 2013)

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned round, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


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## Wayne Little (May 19, 2013)




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## vikingBerserker (May 19, 2013)




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## wheelsup_cavu (May 19, 2013)

Wheels


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## Gnomey (May 19, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (May 20, 2013)

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "Okay, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."


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## Crimea_River (May 20, 2013)




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## Gnomey (May 21, 2013)




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## VBF-13 (May 22, 2013)

Here's a witty one...

Dorothy Parker, when asked to use the word "horticulture" correctly in a sentence: "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think."


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## michaelmaltby (May 24, 2013)

*No one believes seniors . .. . everyone thinks they are senile ... *

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!


Andy said, We've got to give it back.


Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?


Sally said, No.


Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. 

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.


Andy said: Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....


The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!


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## vikingBerserker (May 24, 2013)




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## Gnomey (May 24, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (May 25, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 26, 2013)

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

I’m from the FAA and I’m here to help you.
Me? I’ve never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma’am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I’m a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it’s clearing to VFR.
Don’t worry about the weight and balance — it’ll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we’ll see the lights.
I’m 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I’d love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, under worked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, I’ve got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I’ve got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it — it has wings, doesn’t it?
We’ll be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 o’clock.
I’m always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day — we don’t need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual — how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I’ve got the field in sight.
I’ve got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I’m SURE the gear was down.


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## gumbyk (May 26, 2013)

Unfortunately, I've heard more than one of them....


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 26, 2013)

I can imagine.


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## Wayne Little (May 27, 2013)




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## Gnomey (May 27, 2013)




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## A4K (May 28, 2013)

Guys... (especially Wayne's!)


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## javlin (May 30, 2013)

Definition of the word "coincidence" 

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. 
The woman said: 
- " How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne". 

- " What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating..." 

- " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman. 

- "What a coincidence" - said the farmer. 

While they toasted, the man asked:- " What are you celebrating? " 

- " My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant". 

- " What a coincidence !" - said the man - " I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay 
fertilized eggs. " 

- " This is awesome" - said the woman. 

- " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" 

" I used a different rooster " - he said. 

The woman smiled and said: 
"What a coincidence"





Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat 
you right and pray for the ones who don't.
"Have a wonderful and Blessed Day"


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## vikingBerserker (May 30, 2013)




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## Gnomey (May 31, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 1, 2013)




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## javlin (Jun 1, 2013)

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner. His wife screams at him in
front of the friend. "My hair makeup are not done, the house is a mess,
the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered
with cooking for you and your damned friend tonight! What the hell did you
bring him home for ?" The husband softly responds, "Because.... he's
thinking of getting married...."


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## Wayne Little (Jun 2, 2013)




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## bobbysocks (Jun 2, 2013)

Young people have theirs,now Seniors have their own texting codes:


* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in


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## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2013)




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## Airframes (Jun 2, 2013)

Heck, they make more sense than some of those stupid, meaningless D, X, DX etc which are even creeping in, annoyingly, on some forum responses !


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## Wayne Little (Jun 3, 2013)




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## javlin (Jun 4, 2013)

Star Trek

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Cheers!


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## Gastounet (Jun 4, 2013)

A man carries an old, worn out, punctured tyre in one hand, and 365 already used condoms in the other hand.
Showing the old tyre, he says "this was a Goodyear", then, showing the condoms, he says "and this was a very good year!"


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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 5, 2013)

British humor ...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upEBdKFGlPg_


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## Wurger (Jun 5, 2013)




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## Glider (Jun 5, 2013)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie Princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers............and then there are educators.


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## javlin (Jun 5, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 6, 2013)

brilliant !


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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 7, 2013)

Once upon a time in the forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and and orphaned snake. Coincidentally, they were both blind from birth. One day the bunny was hopping through the forest one way and the snake slithered from the other and they slammed into each other. "Oh my!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to hurt you, but I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I'm going. I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I'll tell you what... let me slither over there, figure out what you are and at least you'll have that going for you." So the snake slithered over to the bunny and said, "Well, you are covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cotton tail. You must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny. "Now maybe I could touch you and tell you what you are." So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, and not much of a backbone. I'd say you must be a politician."


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## Shortround6 (Jun 7, 2013)

You know we will have to report you to the RAL* for that! 

*Reptile Anti-defamation League


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## Readie (Jun 7, 2013)

What's grey and full of sweets?

Ken Roach's cardigan...

Allegedly of course


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## javlin (Jun 7, 2013)

Thats funny Wayno


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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2013)




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## Readie (Jun 8, 2013)

This made me laugh,


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## Wurger (Jun 8, 2013)

Me too...


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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 9, 2013)

Say it ain't so, Joe ...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jafkVM-jnbE_


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## v2 (Jun 10, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2013)




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## javlin (Jun 14, 2013)

The Chauffeur 
Need of a chuckle. Fairly short and pretty good. 
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old."You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face."My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.""What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy."I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow


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## VBF-13 (Jun 15, 2013)

Here's a clever ad...

marchenko.sitecity.ru


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## Gnomey (Jun 15, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 16, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 19, 2013)

Sad day as NATO role winds down, Taliban peace talks start in Doha, and a cartoon speaks Truth to Inevitability


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## Bernhart (Jun 20, 2013)

salesman is lost in the country, has been driving around and finally sees an old farmer with his tractor on the side of the road. 

"excuse me sir, would you know the fastest way back to town?"

"Are you walking or driving" asks the old fellow. 

"Why driving of course" says the sligltly perturbed salesman thinking what a silly question. 

"well then you are already using the fastest way." and drove off on his tractor.


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## rochie (Jun 20, 2013)

two woman on a night out are walking home, both need to pee so the nip into a grave yard.

no toilet paper so one uses her knickers the other uses the ribbon from a wreath near a grave.

next day their husbands are talking "my wife came home with no knickers last night" says one.

"thats nothing" says the other " mine came home with a card stuck up her a**e saying from all the boys at the fire station we miss you already" !


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 20, 2013)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2013)




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## nincomp (Jun 20, 2013)

rochie said:


> ..saying from all the boys at the fire station we miss you already" !



I am glad that you let me know that this is only a joke. You have no idea how relieved I am. My wife has gotten two postcards and three telephone messages that say this.


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## Wayne Little (Jun 21, 2013)




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## gumbyk (Jun 24, 2013)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. 

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."


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## Gnomey (Jun 24, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2013)

wonder if he ran off the road about that time....


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## michaelmaltby (Jun 25, 2013)

*From a woman’s point of view*…

The most perfect man in the world is her father.

The most abused husband in the world is her brother.

The most handsome man in the world is her son. 

The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister's husband.

The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.

And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her husband


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## michaelmaltby (Jun 26, 2013)

Stronger beer:

"STRONGER BEER" TIM HICKS (LYRIC VIDEO) - Safeshare.TV


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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 28, 2013)

*The Aisle Seat *

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?


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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jun 28, 2013)

LMAO


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2013)




----------



## Airframes (Jun 29, 2013)

Good one. A variation of a 1970's Billy Connoly joke, but still good!


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## michaelmaltby (Jul 2, 2013)

Wicked funny. At your own risk 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gynby-0kkTg_

MM


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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2013)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 11, 2013)




----------



## Airframes (Jul 11, 2013)

Brilliant!


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2013)




----------



## nincomp (Jul 11, 2013)

Here is a link to my favorite internet-related cartoon:

xkcd: Duty Calls

Note: place the mouse pointer on the cartoon to see a second caption. <this guy uses something called a "mouse-over">


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## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2013)




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## Wurger (Jul 13, 2013)

A husband returned home and is asking his wife what is for the dinner. 
- Nothing , she is replaying. 
Oh.. but the nothing was yesterday as well .. he is saying , being a little bit surprised.
Well ... I have fixed the nothing for a couple of days - is her answer.


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## Gnomey (Jul 13, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 14, 2013)




----------



## GrauGeist (Jul 14, 2013)

Saw this today, had to share it!


----------



## Wurger (Jul 14, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 14, 2013)




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## Airframes (Jul 15, 2013)

Now that I've stopped choking, and wiped the coffee off the monitor screen ...................... bl**dy hilarious !!!!


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## wheelsup_cavu (Jul 15, 2013)

*Texting*

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. 
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 15, 2013)

LMAO


----------



## michaelmaltby (Jul 16, 2013)

German Coastguard:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY_


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2013)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 21, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 21, 2013)

That was great!


----------



## ian lanc (Jul 21, 2013)

Yep rather shite joke but very funny indeed.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2013)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 24, 2013)

Quite possibly already posted amongst the 434 pages..






Geo


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 24, 2013)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 25, 2013)

It's not funny....


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## fubar57 (Jul 25, 2013)

With great apologies Wojtek.

Geo


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## v2 (Jul 25, 2013)

OBAMA AT BANK OF AMERICA

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check."

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue.

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?


----------



## Old Wizard (Jul 25, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2013)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 25, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 26, 2013)




----------



## razor1uk (Jul 26, 2013)

Funny, and not as bad as I thought it'd turn out to be, but a nice jape none the less  he does appear (over 'ere) to mumble less made up anecdotes, that make less sense as he carries on 'the fly' than the last one did when flummoxed.

* (*






* +*






* =* 






* +* 






* )*



* =*


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 27, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2013)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 3, 2013)

ower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Pilot:: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: It’s Thursday, Sir.

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.

Pilot: Tower, there’s a runway light burning.
Tower: I m sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it’s smoking.

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you are number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ….. We’ve checked, they are all working.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!

Tower: What’s your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I m 6 foot tall and I m sitting front left.

Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel.


Pilot: “Condor 471, don’t you have a Follow-me ?”
Tower: “Negativ, let’s just see how your find your own way to Gate 10.”

Tower: “Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.”
Pilot: “Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…”

Tower: “Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.”
Pilot: “Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.”
Tower: “Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.”
Pilot: “But 4 and 6 is 10, isn’t it?”
Tower: “You’re supposed to climb, not add.”

Tower: “Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.”
Pilot: “Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.”

Tower: Cessna 310, that taxiway is approved for single engine use only.
Pilot: Roger, shutting down one engine.

Pilot: Logan Ground, Radio Check.
Tower: You sound like you are calling from inside a tin can.
Pilot: Roger. It feels like it, too.

Pilot: Airliner X, request a 360 to parking.
Tower: 360 approved, 180 recommended.


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 3, 2013)

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

Control tower to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”


Tower Controller: “BA356, proceed to stand 69″
BA: “Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?”

United cargo jet (with female pilot): “This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.” (Earned him two weeks on the beach)”

Pilot (after a long time in a holding pattern): Tower, could we get an EFC? (Translation: how much longer?)
Tower: Indefinite.
Pilot: I’m pretty sure we don’t have fuel for that.

Pilot: O’Hare Tower, Bonanza X, request landing. I can land on any runway and hold short of any other runway.
Tower (with an over-full load): Roger, we request you land at Chicago Executive and hold short of O’Hare.

Tower: Airliner X, it looks like you have a baggage door open.
Airliner: Thank you for the report, but that must be our APU door that’s open for cooling.
Tower: Airliner X, you have luggage falling out of your APU door.

Lost Student Pilot: Tower, Cessna X, Requesting help determining my location, I’m lost.
Tower: Can you fly over any identifiable man made objects like a highway or water tower?
Pilot: Affirmative, I just flew by a water tower, but all it said was “Class of ’09.”

Denver Tower: Gulfstream X, You’re cleared to 9,000 feet. For a vector to Hector, contact the sector director.

Tower: Airliner 757 vectored 310 at 145 knots behind traffic.
Pilot: Roger that, 310 at 145 to clean out the stall horn.

Approach: Airliner Heavy, report your airspeed for spacing.
Pilot: Approach, we’re really hauling ass.
Approach: Airliner Heavy, I couldn’t care less about your cargo, I need to know your airspeed.

Kids on a tour of the Tower: Have you ever had a real emergency?
Controller: There was that one time when we ran out of coffee.

Controller: Flight XYZ, can you climb to FL390?
XYZ: Standby (A few seconds pass)
XYZ: We can make it, but we’ll have to throw out a few passengers
Controller: That’s approved.
United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one.”

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”


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## Wayne Little (Aug 4, 2013)




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## razor1uk (Aug 4, 2013)

Funny in general with little hint of impending doom(s), apart the mother of all incidents, the running out of coffee...
"..The dreaded 7 engine approach...." frustrated humour oozes out of that quip - perhaps 'peaked' meant he over enjoyed the thrust a lil too much.
"Speedbird 206" and the pilots comeback, perhaps a(-n ex) De Haviland Comet pilot pre 1980's...


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## Gnomey (Aug 4, 2013)




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## razor1uk (Aug 5, 2013)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0P9h7GQjYQ_


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## javlin (Aug 6, 2013)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could
Get one over on him easily. So he asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.
Then you ask me one and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows,
All to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. Eventually, he wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs
And comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


Don't mess with seniors!


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## Crimea_River (Aug 6, 2013)

Knowing lawyers, he'll ask at least another 98 questions.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 6, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 7, 2013)




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## Wurger (Aug 7, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Aug 7, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 8, 2013)

Where would you be if......

You had all the money your heart desires.....

You had no worries....

You come home and the finest meal awaits you...

Your bathwater has been run...

You have the perfect kids...

Your Beautiful Partner is awaiting you with open Arms and Kisses...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?










?????? 









In the wrong 

Freakin house!!!

THATS WHERE...


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## GregP (Aug 9, 2013)

An old woman goes into a bank at 9:30 am in a Monday morning and asks to see the manager. The teller asks why and she says she wants to deposit $50,000 but wants to speak to the man in charge.

She is shown into the manager’s office and sits down, whereupon the manager asks her what he can do for her. She says she wants to deposit $50,000. He asks where she got the money and she says she worked for some of it and gambled for some of it.

He asks what she gambled on and she says she sometimes makes bets on thing s she has a feeling about.

He says, “Like what?” and she says, “Well, for instance, I’ll bet you $500 that you only have one testicle.” He says he has two and she says, “Do you want to bet or not?”

He agrees and she says she’d have to have that verified with a witness, The Bank manager wants the money and agrees, He calls his secretary in and asks her to be a witness. She agrees and he stands up, drops his pants and lets the old woman feel his balls.

She says, “Well, you have two so I lost.” And she pays him $500. The secretary knocks her head against the wall and pays the old woman $5,000. The bank manager is perplexed and asks what is going on and the secretary say that the old woman bet her $5,000 that she’d have the bank manager’s balls in her hand, without any objection from him, by 10:00 am Monday morning.


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## Geedee (Aug 9, 2013)

I was in a Bar on saturday night in Chicago when this really brutal ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes"

I replied "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."


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## Gnomey (Aug 9, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 9, 2013)

Terry needs to remember that line Gary!


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## Airframes (Aug 10, 2013)

It's OK Aaron - Gary borrowed it from me!!


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## Matt308 (Aug 10, 2013)

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summon
the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred
replied, "The balcony."


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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 11, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 11, 2013)

OUCH!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 11, 2013)

This one just showed up.



There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... 

For example... 

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. 

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. 

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. 

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. 

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. 

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,

so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?


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## Wildcat (Aug 12, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 12, 2013)

Good one!


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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 12, 2013)

*The Deaf Wife*

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. 

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 


'Here's what you do,' said the doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' 


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 


No response. 


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 


Still no response. 


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 

Again he gets no response. 


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 

Again there is no response. 

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 



'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'


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## B-17engineer (Aug 12, 2013)

Husband: "I love you"

Wife: " Is that the beer talking?"

Husband: "Its me talking.......to the beer"


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 12, 2013)




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## razor1uk (Aug 13, 2013)

B-17engineer said:


> Husband: "I love you"
> 
> Wife: " Is that the beer talking?"
> 
> Husband: "Its me talking.......to the beer"



Isn't that from Al Bundy - Married With Children, if not, it sounds like one... funny


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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 14, 2013)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Aug 19, 2013)

This masterpiece from Australia:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8iPH1OILHI_


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## gumbyk (Aug 19, 2013)

Can't say I blame him, really...


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## Wayne Little (Aug 20, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 21, 2013)

From Montreal, "Hot Dog Legs" ...:

Hot-Dog Legs


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## Matt308 (Aug 21, 2013)

Brilliant


----------



## vikingBerserker (Aug 21, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2013)




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## Matt308 (Aug 23, 2013)

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.


"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like ***** cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 23, 2013)




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## javlin (Aug 23, 2013)

Tahts good Matt


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## Wayne Little (Aug 24, 2013)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 24, 2013)




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## javlin (Aug 24, 2013)

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."


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## Matt308 (Aug 24, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 24, 2013)

Ordering a pizza ....

https://www.aclu.org/sites/default/files/pizza/images/screen.swf


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## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2013)




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## VBF-13 (Aug 25, 2013)

Some new words and phrases...

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Bozone Layer: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. 

Flubbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 8, 2013)

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

"I'm not selling!!!..."


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## Wurger (Sep 8, 2013)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 8, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 9, 2013)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Sep 9, 2013)




----------



## javlin (Sep 10, 2013)

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his ****ing wife."


----------



## Matt308 (Sep 10, 2013)

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were
overwhelming.




But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."




But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 10, 2013)




----------



## Wurger (Sep 11, 2013)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 11, 2013)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Sep 16, 2013)

*An Obituary printed in the London Times.....*


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense ,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure
how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you can earn)
and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly
when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when
parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to
do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer
sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a
student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to
live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating
when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up
the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of
coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a
huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.


----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 16, 2013)

Absent Friends

Remember those not here today,
And those unwell or far away,
And those who never lived to see,
the end of war and Victory,
And every friend who've lost our way,
Remembered of as of yesterday,
It's absent friends we miss the most,
To ALL, let's drink a loving toast.


----------



## Gnomey (Sep 16, 2013)




----------



## Capt. Vick (Sep 16, 2013)

You know what makes a great stocking stuffer?

A severed foot!


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 17, 2013)




----------



## Matt308 (Sep 17, 2013)

I thought that was a Canadian joke.

Human Feet Washing Up on Shore in British Columbia, Canada - The Daily Beast


----------



## javlin (Sep 17, 2013)

Bob The Blonde


Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 18, 2013)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Sep 18, 2013)

*Best PhotoShop ever ....*


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## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2013)




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## meatloaf109 (Sep 18, 2013)

Lucky13 said:


> Absent Friends
> 
> Remember those not here today,
> And those unwell or far away,
> ...


As Col. Hogan once said, 
"To our wives and lovers; May they never meet!"
But I do appreciate the sentiment that you expressed!


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## fubar57 (Sep 21, 2013)

I'm sure we could have all used one of these for a co-worker....

View attachment Hurt-Feelings-Report.pdf


Geo


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 21, 2013)

I am SO going to use that!


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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2013)

Certainly going to be put to some use...


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## Airframes (Sep 21, 2013)

I'd better order another ream of printer paper - this is going to get a _lot _of use !


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## Wayne Little (Sep 22, 2013)

might pay to get a pallet load Terry...


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## javlin (Sep 23, 2013)

Thats funny ! printed up five copies to start Monday off right


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 23, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 24, 2013)

javlin said:


> Thats funny ! printed up five copies to start Monday off right



Only 5...life must be good!


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## michaelmaltby (Sep 24, 2013)

Leaked .....


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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2013)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 24, 2013)

Ok that is funny regardless of what aisle you sit in.


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## VBF-13 (Sep 25, 2013)

So these two young guys are sitting around in the pool at an expensive Miami Beach hotel. And the first guy says, "The best thing that happened to me was, my business burned down. I collected the fire insurance, and here I am." The second guy says, "The best thing that happened to me was, my business was washed out by a flood. I collected the flood insurance, and here I am." The first guy says, "How did you start a flood?"


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## Wurger (Sep 26, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2013)




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## futuredogfight (Sep 27, 2013)

A shotgun marriage is a case of wife or death.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 28, 2013)

:good ones...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 29, 2013)




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## Wurger (Sep 29, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2013)




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## otftch (Oct 3, 2013)

'Nuff Said !


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## Wayne Little (Oct 3, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2013)




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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2013)




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## v2 (Oct 5, 2013)




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## Matt308 (Oct 5, 2013)

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an 
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a 
cozy little restaurant. 

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the 
gentleman who is seated over there'..... and indicated 
the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking 
at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a 
note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a 
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the 
gentleman.

The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you 
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million 
dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'..


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in 
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and 
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to 
be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and
a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes
in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the wine back.


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## Wurger (Oct 5, 2013)

Old but good.


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## Wurger (Oct 5, 2013)

Two snails got on a turtle and one said to the another " Now we are tearing !!! "


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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2013)




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## Airframes (Oct 5, 2013)

A man brings his best friend home from work, with his wife not expecting visitors.
She screams and shouts - the usual stuff - " I haven't done my hair or make-up, the house is a mess, I've had a hard day with the kids, and I certainly can't be bothered cooking tonight, especially something special for unannounced guests. Why the hell have you brought a friend?"
"He's thinking of getting married .....".


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## Wurger (Oct 5, 2013)




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## futuredogfight (Oct 5, 2013)




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## Matt308 (Oct 5, 2013)

I laughed my azz off with that one. Too bad that you can't get a Mosin-Nagant for $100 anymore. But that was flippin funny!!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2013)




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## javlin (Oct 7, 2013)

The Hypontist at a Senior Home



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

SH#T," said Claude.



It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 8, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 9, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2013)




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## futuredogfight (Oct 9, 2013)

Good ones guys!


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## Wurger (Oct 10, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 10, 2013)

*Modern Times
*

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING.

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....

IDIOT SIGHTING.
 
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'


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## Wayne Little (Oct 10, 2013)




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## Wurger (Oct 10, 2013)




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## futuredogfight (Oct 10, 2013)

Wife: I don't want to be buried next to you when I die.
Husband: Rats, I just ordered a gravestone that read "I'm with stupid."


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 11, 2013)

New Fed Head ...


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## v2 (Oct 11, 2013)

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."


The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with personal favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

"However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"


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## Wurger (Oct 11, 2013)

Stary ale jary....


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## Gnomey (Oct 11, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 12, 2013)




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## Wurger (Oct 13, 2013)

During a flight over the Atlantic passengers of a JumboJet are hearing a message from the intercom: 
Hello my dears passengers. The is a flight no.534 form the New York to Hamburg . We are flying at 12 000ft , the temperature is 5ºF. Please look at right.. what can you see ?.. the right engines are in flames. Now please have a look at the left wing.. what can you see? ... Yes, the left engines are in flames. But now please look at down. Can you see the small red spot ? That's me, your Captain, who is kindly sending my regards.


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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2013)




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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2013)




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## futuredogfight (Oct 14, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 15, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 16, 2013)

LMAO!!!!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Oct 19, 2013)

Faceless Pilot: Target acquired.
[Fires guns at Hulk]
Faceless Pilot: Target engaged.
[as Hulk leaps toward airplane]
Faceless Pilot: TARGET ANGRY! TARGET ANGRY!


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## Wurger (Oct 19, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 20, 2013)

Murphy's war law

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol' Ranger's addendum:
Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.
Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
The crucial round is a dud.
Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 20, 2013)

f your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
Walking point = sniper bait.
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
If see you, so can the enemy.
All or any of the above combined.
Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.
Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit.
Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
The last six laws were sent by Hank Samples. A Viet Nam combat veteran (70-72) 11th ACR-101st Abn.
It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.
Sent by - [email protected]
If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.
Sent by - CPL Nagel
Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down):
"What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
Sent by Yael Dragwyla
The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.
Sent by Mike Gottert
If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.
Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.
Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.
There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.
Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."
You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.
The last seven laws were sent by Charlie.
Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.
Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.
You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.
You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.
Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.
"Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.
The last six laws were sent by Donald J. Cheek, CPT, US Army (Ret) - Gulf War vet.
Don't be a hero
Sent by Bo Zhang
Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.
Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.
Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...
If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.
A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
Being shot hurts.
Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
C-4 can make a dull day fun.
There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.
If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.
Always make sure someone has a can opener.
Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!
A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".
As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"
The last 25 laws were sent by Jim
When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
Sent by SPC Chris
Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!
Sent by CPT Sean M. Murphy, FA, USA
Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.
Sent by Joe Garcia
Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.
Sent by J.E.S.
In peacetime people say, "War is Hell".Â In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".
f you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.
When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.
Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.
If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the **** hits the fan in combat.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
The last six laws were sent by Michael Desai


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 20, 2013)

Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.
Sent by Lenny Quites
If you drop a soldier in the middle of a desert with a rock, a hammer, and an anvil, tell him not to touch any of it, and come back two hours later, the anvil will be broken. "Because soldiers gotta **** with ****". (quoted from an Officer during an interview in which the Officer was asked why barrels were thickened on the M-16A2).
Sent by Darrell A. Pierce
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Sent by Quenya. Aus. (didn't know there were Elves in Australia, didn't know that elves were interested in war).
Lackland's Laws:
Never be first.
Never be last.
Never volunteer for anythin
An escaping soldier can be used again.
Sent by Asier Zabarte
If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.
Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you.
It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.
Sent by Rob
If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.
Sent by former Lt. C. Harper (Vietnam '65)
if god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.
Sent by Pv1 Goetze
If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.
Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.
Sent by Samuel
You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission
Sent by Roswell
Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".
Sent by Larry Wotring
The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies
Sent by Marc Underwood
Night vision - isn't
Sent by truga
When you need CAS, they'll be on last weeks radio fill and you won't be able to reach them
When you need Apache's, they'll be busy escorting the generals bird around
Last two laws were sent by Warpig, saying they are "A couple of additions to the law I picked up in Afghanistan".
Supply Demand law
Whatever you have, you won't need; whatever you need, you won't have.
Leadership law
If it was risky, it worked and no one got hurt: you were brilliant
If it was risky, it worked and someone got hurt; you were courageous
If it was risky, it didn't work and no one got hurt; you were lucky
If it was risky, it didn't work and someone got hurt; you were stupid (and probably dead)
Last two laws were sent by Sylvia Steward
The best sniper position is always the hardest to reach
Snakes aren't neutral
When you need to use the bathroom - the enemy is watching your position
Last three laws were sent by Mitchell Jones, Law Enforcement Precision Marksman, Arkansas

Laws of War for Helicopters

Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc.
While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented.
It's just what they do.
The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN.
Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.
The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
"Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law:
The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
"Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt.
It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of:
Â S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way).
Thus the term '****!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas.
Any combination of these can be deadly.
All the Laws of War for Helicopters were sent by Jim Kirk with courtesy of CWO4 Larry Gilbert (Ret). his brother-in-law that sent them to him
Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.
It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.
The last two laws were sent by Darrell A. Pierce
LZ's are always hot.
Sent by [email protected]
There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.
Any helicopter pilot story that starts "There I was,...." will be either true or false.
Any of these stories that end with "No ****." was neither true nor false.
The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill
The last three laws were sent by Brad Lucas, CPT, AV USA Ret, and a 1st Gulf War Vet.
Ch-53's are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly.
Sent by Jason Koeck

Laws of War for Tanks

The same gun tube that would probably stay in alignment after lifting a car, will get you beaten after calibration if used to assist in climbing on the tank.
Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one.
If you're close enough to actually hear an M1 series tank running, while in combat, and not part of the crew, you're too close.
Laws of war for tanks were sent by Darrell A. Pierce

Laws of the Marine Corp

It never rains in the Marine Corp, it rains on the Marine Corp.
Sent by Jesse Cason

Law of Fighting Airplanes

The enemy is always has the advantage.
Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.
'Armor' is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better.
Afterburners aren't.
Air Brakes don't.
Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.
You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vise versa)
When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP - FAST - IN GOOD CONDITION,
pick two. (This applies to everything)
Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun.
If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or you'll run out of fuel.
Law of Fighting Airplanes were sent by Luke

Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:

Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block!
Sent by Jim Kirk

Laws of Desert Combat:

Any attempt to find cover will result in failure.
Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb.
Tanks should never leave the established roads
Established roads are always mined
Operations in daytime will cause the lesser equipped army to win
The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely porportional to how heavy his equipment is
Have plenty of water on hand
The last 7 laws were sent by Fenix

Laws of War in Iraq:

If it makes sense, it is not the "Army Way"
Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block.
If you do, don't even try to run or hide. The pain will be worse.
The Iraqis always know the area better than you, no matter how many dismounts or convoys you have been on.
Iraqis always have the advantage of blending in with the crowd. You do not.
Iraqis are used to the heat and will rarely, if ever, be out during the hottest part of the day.
Drink more water than you think that you will need.
Drink more water than you think that you will need.
Always keep your radio fill up to date.
Don't piss off the IP's that run the check points, they sometimes allow insurgents to place IED's near their location just to **** with you.
Be nice to the Iraqi children, they will soon be either IP's, IA's, or insurgents!
Always remember: Shoot first and then swear up and down that you saw them pull out a grenade. This always works!!!
IED's will be placed frequently in the same spots over and over again.
Always shoot the guy walking down the MSR in the middle of the night carrying a gas can and a shovel. If they can't place the IED's, they can't blow you up!
Last 13 laws were sent by Thomas Anderson, M SPC MIL USA USAREUR
Military restatement of Uffelman's Razor:
Never attribute to an Officer that which is adequately explained by a Private.
From SFC Raines
Anderson's first Law:
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the new private!
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
From SPC Coffee
Law of Murphic Relief:
If, throughout your entire life you have been ruled by Murphy's Law, then at least one thing, usually no more than that, will go so right as to make up for a lifetime of failures.
From My Wife Rita!! Happily married now for 5 years!!
Murphy's Law is proof that God is in Heaven laughing his butt off!!
From SGT Overson


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## Wurger (Oct 20, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 20, 2013)




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## fubar57 (Oct 20, 2013)

Geo


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 20, 2013)

LMAO


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## otftch (Oct 20, 2013)

Would they really lie to us !


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## Wurger (Oct 20, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 20, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2013)

Excellent....my wife says yes to the deadly terms....Guess I'm in trouble now.....


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## Wurger (Oct 21, 2013)

Once , a Rabbit came to the Fox's house. There was the fox's wife at home only. 
- What do you want ? ... asked the Vixen.
- I always like you ... replied the Rabbit ... you are so beautiful red-haired being. Would you like to make love with me?
- You are crazy ! ... she screamed.
- Take it easy ... said the fur rug.... Maybe , you could do it for some money? 
The Vixen pondered over the Rabbit's offer and is asking after a while...
- How much are you going to pay for that?
- 400 US dollars ? 
- Nope ... she answered... five hundred bucks.
- OK ... said the happy Rabbit .
And they went to the bedroom.
A couple hours later the Fox got back home. His wife served a lunch. Having his favourite dish, the Fox is asking a question ...
- Was the Rabbit here today?
- Yes , he was ... replied the Vixen , being a little bit surprised.
- Has he given back my 500 bucks?
- Holy crap...


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## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2013)

a real...er..bang for your buck!


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## javlin (Oct 22, 2013)

Thats funny Wojtek.


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## javlin (Oct 22, 2013)

A funny Groucho Marx clip


A Funny Mexican Guy with Groucho Marx


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## Wurger (Oct 22, 2013)




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## javlin (Oct 23, 2013)

Prescription Drugs Side Effects


> A woman asks her husband at
> breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
> slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and
> coffee?"He declines. "Thanks for
> asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's
> this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the
> edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if
> he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup,
> homemade muffins, or a cheese
> sandwich?"He declines. "The
> Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for
> food." Come dinner time, she asks if
> he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib
> eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
> rotisserie chicken or tasty stir
> fry?" He declines again.
> "No," he says, "it's got to be the
> Viagra. I'm still not hungry.""Well," she says,
> "Would you mind letting me up? I'm
> starving!!


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## fubar57 (Oct 23, 2013)

Ignore post and re-title it, "Download Failures"

Geo


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## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2013)




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## javlin (Oct 24, 2013)

..


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## Wurger (Oct 24, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 25, 2013)




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## Wurger (Oct 25, 2013)



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## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 26, 2013)

Both of those are GREAT!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 27, 2013)




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## Wurger (Oct 27, 2013)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 27, 2013)

Better times ....


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## Wurger (Oct 27, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2013)




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## javlin (Oct 27, 2013)

An Oldie but some still make you smile 

Q.. 
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! 

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) 


Q. Do female frogs croak? 

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be 

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 


Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... 

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 


Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. 


Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. 


Q.What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 


Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 


Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 


Q..Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 


Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score? 

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 


Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 


Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 


Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 


Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.. 


Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? 

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 


Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 


Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 

A. Charley Weaver: His feet. 


Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? 

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 27, 2013)

Say what ....


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## Capt. Vick (Oct 27, 2013)

You know what makes a great stocking stuffer?

A severed foot!


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 27, 2013)

LMAO!


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## Wurger (Oct 27, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 28, 2013)

Readie says they can't be "_proper_" pork sausage because ....

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## Wurger (Oct 28, 2013)




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## javlin (Oct 28, 2013)

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. 

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 

8. Virginity can be cured. 

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't. 

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes. 

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 28, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 29, 2013)




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## Wurger (Oct 29, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2013)

Airplanes vs Women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 30, 2013)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 30, 2013)

Good one folks!!


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## v2 (Nov 1, 2013)

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up.
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.The redneck guessed 2 this time.The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED , and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.My WIFE won twice last week."

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## Wayne Little (Nov 1, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 1, 2013)

It's that season ...


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## Gnomey (Nov 1, 2013)




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## imalko (Nov 1, 2013)

What we do at model shows...

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## Glider (Nov 1, 2013)

Love it


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 1, 2013)

LMAO


A-MEN!!!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 1, 2013)




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## Wurger (Nov 1, 2013)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Nov 4, 2013)

javlin said:


> An Oldie but some still make you smile
> 
> Q..
> Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
> ...



These are funnier if you can "hear" the person in your thoughts. Paul Lynde was funny but his inflections and mannerisms made you laugh all the harder.


Wheels

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## Wayne Little (Nov 4, 2013)

very True igor...


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## Wayne Little (Nov 7, 2013)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what ! happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

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## Wurger (Nov 7, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Nov 7, 2013)




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## imalko (Nov 10, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 10, 2013)

This pokes fun at just about every one.


OH HELL ! ... Let's Offend Everybody.......


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat. 

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ? 
A. To a different bar. 

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? 
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A. A speech impediment. 

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on StarTrek?
a. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe. 

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? 
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!' 

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? 
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...' 
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.....'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? 
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.


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## Wurger (Nov 10, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2013)




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## javlin (Nov 10, 2013)

Thats good Arron


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 10, 2013)




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## GrauGeist (Nov 11, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 11, 2013)

Excellent Aaron...


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 11, 2013)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. 

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good. The best I ever had!' 
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.... 

Grandpa..., Go home!


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## Wurger (Nov 11, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 12, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 12, 2013)

Figgers ....


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## Wayne Little (Nov 13, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 13, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Nov 13, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 14, 2013)

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?

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## javlin (Nov 14, 2013)

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle."You're bullshi**ing me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office”

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## Gnomey (Nov 15, 2013)




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## Wurger (Nov 16, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2013)




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## v2 (Nov 23, 2013)

This is such a heart warming story

Two terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?

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## Wayne Little (Nov 24, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2013)




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## v2 (Nov 27, 2013)

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.


'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him..

I yelled, 'A..e Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
An address from
THE PRESIDENT OF .............

Damn I love this truck....

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## Wurger (Nov 27, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 27, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 28, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 28, 2013)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxRvT29G_h0_

I love _my_ Dyson handheld .....


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 28, 2013)

LMAO


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## Geedee (Nov 28, 2013)

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” 

“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”



















What were you thinking ……..


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## Matt308 (Nov 29, 2013)

If I've already posted this, my apologies.


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 29, 2013)

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, 
I was perplexed by this question: 

"Rearrange the letters “P-N-E-S-I” to spell out the part 
of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. 

The rest are in Congress.


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## Wurger (Nov 29, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Nov 29, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 1, 2013)




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## otftch (Dec 1, 2013)

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?” The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”.

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## michaelmaltby (Dec 2, 2013)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Don’t you just _love_ lawyers?


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## Gnomey (Dec 2, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 3, 2013)




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## Wurger (Dec 3, 2013)




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## v2 (Dec 8, 2013)

I was walking along beach when I came across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
I picked up the lamp and gave it a rub. 
A genie appeared and told me I had been granted one wish. 

I thought for a moment and said, "I want to live forever." 

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." 

"OK, then, I want to die after the ( enter the correct country) government balances the budget and eliminates corruption." 

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie...


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 8, 2013)




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## Wurger (Dec 8, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 8, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 9, 2013)

Good one!


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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 10, 2013)

So while I was at the _funeral_ ..... I met this blonde ...


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## Wurger (Dec 10, 2013)

Oh no...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 10, 2013)




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## Old Wizard (Dec 11, 2013)

That last photo says 'He's mine white b!'


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## Wurger (Dec 11, 2013)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 15, 2013)

Pappy” Boyington, about the Brewster Buffalo: "They were dogs……but the early models, before they weighed it all down with armor-plate, radios, and other equipment, they were pretty sweet little ships. _Not real fast, but the little aircraft could turn and roll in a phone booth."_

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## Geedee (Dec 17, 2013)

Areas into which to retire: 

Retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You'll experience condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and YOU GOTTA BE SHITTIN’ ME!!

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Earthquake, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City

Where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature" (pronounced “naycha”)
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note; if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and Construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where....

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 17, 2013)

Not sure where I should go....


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## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 17, 2013)

Good one Gary!


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## javlin (Dec 17, 2013)

Oh how true.............You can retire to the Deep South where....

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too


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## meatloaf109 (Dec 17, 2013)

Geedee said:


> Areas into which to retire:
> 
> Retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
> 
> ...



Having lived in five of those locations, (Minnesota, Arizona, California, Florida, and the "deep" south), I can attest that you have it right!


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 17, 2013)

LMAO, well done Gary! We should make you an honorary Yank!

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## Wayne Little (Dec 18, 2013)




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## Geedee (Dec 18, 2013)

vikingBerserker said:


> LMAO, well done Gary! We should make you an honorary Yank!



Would be honored to be an 'Ornerary Yank'. just need it ratified and placed under my Avatar !! 

And be warned, if I ever win big on the lottery, I'm moving Stateside that very same afternoon !!!!!!!

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 18, 2013)

We should probably start hammerin' the Mods for Gary's Title.

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## Wayne Little (Dec 21, 2013)

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2013)




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## Wildcat (Dec 21, 2013)

Awesome Wayne


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 22, 2013)

LMAO!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 23, 2013)

A bit of Christmas cheer..


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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2013)

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.


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## fubar57 (Dec 26, 2013)

Geo

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## javlin (Dec 26, 2013)

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, "WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA.


"THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT


"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER."


"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"


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## Wurger (Dec 26, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2013)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 26, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 27, 2013)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 27, 2013)

_French_ ....... 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egtvaWzIh7o_

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## Wayne Little (Dec 28, 2013)

It's Friday when a man gets his paycheque and decides he's going out on the town to party. He doesn't bother calling his wife for three days... Sunday comes around and he's managed to spend all of his money on booze. He comes home and his wife is naturally furious. She berates him for two solid hours about his irresponsibility and lack of respect. She finally ends off with saying, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?" Sure enough Monday arrived and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday, again he didn't see her... by Wednesday the swelling went down and he could see her a little...


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## Wurger (Dec 28, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2013)

The Precious BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit
the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly
about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my BMW!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that
your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my God," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder
where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex?"

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## Wurger (Dec 29, 2013)




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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2013)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 30, 2013)

.

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## Wayne Little (Dec 31, 2013)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 31, 2013)

WELCOME TO THE SOUTH FACTS:

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

6. "Jawl-P?" means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

7. People actually grow, eat and like okra and collards.

8. "Fixinto" is one word. It means "I'm going to do that".

9. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

10. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

11. "Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.

12. The word "jeet" is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

13. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

14. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

15. "Ya'll" is mostly singular. "All ya'll" is always plural.

16. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

18. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, tabasco and ketchup.

19. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

20. Everyone you meet is a: Darlin', Honey, Sugar, Baby, or Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name).

21. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

22. You know what a hissy fit is..

23. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

24. We don't need no Driver's Ed. If our Mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

25. NEVER dispute or say anything bad about Mama!

(I LOVE BEING SOUTHERN! COULDN'T IMAGINE IT ANY OTHER WAY!)


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## Bucksnort101 (Dec 31, 2013)

Crimea_River said:


> .
> View attachment 251042



Thank goodness you didn't have to go #2!!!!

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## michaelmaltby (Jan 1, 2014)

Summer, down under

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## Wayne Little (Jan 1, 2014)

Holy Sh.....forget it....


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## Marcel (Jan 1, 2014)

During excavations, Russian archaeologists found pieces of telephone wire at a depth of 100 yards. The Russians concluded that a 1000 years ago, the old russians already used the telephone.

American archaeologists found remains of fiberglass at a depth of 200 yards. They concluded that the native American already used fiberglass optics 2000 years ago.

Dutch archaeologists have been digging to a depth of 500 yards and found absolutely nothing. They concluded that 5000 years ago, the Dutch already used WIFI.....

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## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 2, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 2, 2014)

Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> WELCOME TO THE SOUTH FACTS:
> 
> 1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
> 
> ...



LMAO!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 2, 2014)

Glad you liked David.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 3, 2014)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

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## Wurger (Jan 3, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jan 3, 2014)




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## muscogeemike (Jan 3, 2014)

In today’s news, people all over the world continue to act like idiots.
Most of the time this doesn’t turn out well.
For details, look in your mirror.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 4, 2014)

What do you mean "acting"?


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## Lucky13 (Jan 6, 2014)

I thought that I'd nailed it quite good, oh well....


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## Geedee (Jan 6, 2014)

A testimony to true friendship is...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight. What in the world did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married.”!!

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 6, 2014)

I've been the friend in that situation. And I'm STILL not married.


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## Gnomey (Jan 7, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 8, 2014)

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,

then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth... 

back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling

down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed..... 

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,






"Okay, Okay!!!  I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 8, 2014)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## VBF-13 (Jan 8, 2014)

A Kansas State trooper pulled a car over on K-25 about 2 miles south of 
the Nebraska/Kansas State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he 
was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on 
his way to Colby, KS to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want 
to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if 
the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him 
a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have 
anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could 
juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit 
them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. Lee, 
a drunken good old boy from Atwood KS got out, watched the performance, 
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the 
door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 
"You might as well take my ass to jail, 'cause there ain't no way I can 
pass that test."

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 8, 2014)

Another good one! THANKS!


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## Wurger (Jan 9, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jan 9, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 9, 2014)

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
- Why the early bird gets the worm; 
- Life isn't always fair; 
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; 
- I Know My Rights 
- I Want It Now 
- Someone Else Is To Blame 
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.....


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## Wayne Little (Jan 10, 2014)

Ain't that the Truth!


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 10, 2014)

That said part is, that's really not a joke!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 10, 2014)

The sad part of that is that it is the truth.


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## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2014)

Indeed, which is a real shame...


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## javlin (Jan 14, 2014)

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the buildi...ng!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

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## javlin (Jan 14, 2014)

Two in one day......

> One day, a very gentle Texas
> lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she
> neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin
> ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means or
> abilities to take action) to jump....
> 

> She stopped her car, rolled
> down the window, and said, "Please don't jump!
> Think of your dear mother and father."
> 

> He replied, "My mom and
> dad are both dead; I'm going to
> jump."
> 

> She said, "Well, think of
> your sweet wife and precious children."
> 

> He replied, "I'm not
> married, and I don't have any
> kids."
> 

> She said, "Well, then you
> just remember the Alamo."
> 

> He replied,
> ''What's the Alamo?''
> 

> She replied, ''Well
> bless your heart ...just go ahead and jump, you little
> Yankee Democrat
> Bastard!''

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## Gnomey (Jan 14, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 15, 2014)

times 2 Kevin!


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## Wurger (Jan 15, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 15, 2014)

I think this one has been posted in the past at some point but just in case.



The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man

answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State

Troopers. 

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife",

said one of the troopers. 

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed. 

The troopers looked at each other. 

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great

news. Which would you like to hear first?" 

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." 

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found

your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." 

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. 

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" 

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound

king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging

to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." 

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the

great news?" 

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

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## Wayne Little (Jan 16, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 16, 2014)

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck."


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## Gnomey (Jan 16, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 17, 2014)

Well don't that beat all...


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## Wayne Little (Jan 19, 2014)

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob hope and Steve Jobs...

Now we have no Cash, No Hope and No Jobs...

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die......

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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 19, 2014)

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 19, 2014)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2014)

LMAO !!!!


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## tengu1979 (Jan 19, 2014)

Americans and Soviets decided to finish their animosities by An Air Race. USAF designated specially built F-15 for that purpose. How suprised they were to see the old Po-2 on the opponent side.
Russians talk to each other - Ivan. We cannot win so lets put a rope to their plane so we can at least stay behind. 
- Yes, Comerade
So thats what they did.
Take off, climb at attitude all went well. F-15 pilot moves the throttle up and reports to tower:
- Mach 1. Russkie still with me
-Mach 1.5. Still with me
-Mach 2. Hes prepairing to overtake. Just changed wing geometry.

Over Pacific F-16 pilot catches an airliner. And says. - Ha you cannot do this!!!
And starts heavy aerobatics in vincinity of airliner.
When he stops the airliner pilot says to him.
- I am gonna do something you in your fighter cannot. And after that you will never call any other airliner pilot a bad pilot.
-OK
-OK I am starting.
1 minute - airliner flying straight
5 minutes - still flying straight
15 minutes - still flying straight.
-OK. Finished.
-What??? What you did I cannot. You were flying perfectly straight. Anyone could do that
-I went to have a wee...


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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2014)

But the F fighter of the first joke was a F-14 but not the F-15.


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 19, 2014)

That was great!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 20, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 20, 2014)

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.



"Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.



Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

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## Wurger (Jan 20, 2014)




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## Geedee (Jan 20, 2014)

I cut the grass today and after doing so, I down and had a cold beer. 

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought of an age old question.....is giving birth more painful than a swift kick in the nuts ?

Women always maintain that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question !.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than giving birth, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "it might be nice to have another child'.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another swift kick to the nuts !"

I rest my case

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## Wurger (Jan 20, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 20, 2014)

Geedee said:


> I cut the grass today and after doing so, I down and had a cold beer.
> 
> The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
> 
> ...




EXACTLY!!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2014)

Damn straight Gary..


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## gumbyk (Jan 21, 2014)

Geedee said:


> I cut the grass today and after doing so, I down and had a cold beer.
> 
> The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
> 
> ...



hmmm, 18 months down the track, and all my wife says is "When are you getting the snip?"


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## michaelmaltby (Jan 22, 2014)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NddJYKzwHU_


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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 23, 2014)

I think he will need to use that screwdriver of his to tighten some of those loose screws....


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## Crimea_River (Jan 23, 2014)

Oh, to reach a climax position in a steamy company....wouldn't that be nice!!!!


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## Wurger (Jan 24, 2014)

A dog is running across a desert and thinking .. if I don't find a tree I'll wet myself.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 25, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 25, 2014)

The blonde and the engine ...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM6x1iK-XY8_


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## Wurger (Jan 25, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 25, 2014)

I don't even want to watch it.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 27, 2014)

multi-tasking ....

Darth Vader in a kilt and on a unicycle playing the bagpipes. [VIDEO]


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## Wurger (Jan 27, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jan 27, 2014)




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## gumbyk (Jan 27, 2014)

The Force is strong in this one....

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 27, 2014)

Wait a second, THAT'S JAN!!!!!!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 27, 2014)

I didn't know Jan was that talented.


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## fubar57 (Jan 28, 2014)

Sign at a gun store...






Geo

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## Wurger (Jan 28, 2014)



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## vikingBerserker (Jan 28, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 28, 2014)

I won't argue that Wurger.


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## javlin (Jan 28, 2014)

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and 
the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking 
straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. 
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy 
the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. 
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' 


She replied, 
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..





A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
.......And a friend like me??
Ah, that's a sign of good taste!!


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 28, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 28, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 29, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jan 29, 2014)

Found on the Facebook site....

I invited a girl back to my place for coffee. She agreed, but made it crystal clear that it would be coffee and nothing else.
Later on, I came out of the kitchen to find her laying on my sofa in her underwear.
"I know what I said," she smiled, "but I've changed my mind and I want you to make love to me right here right now."
"Oh for **** sake," I moaned, slamming the cups of coffee down on the table.
"What's wrong?" She asked. "I thought you'd be happy."
"It's great," I replied, "but it means I've just wasted the last of my rohypnol."


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 29, 2014)




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## javlin (Jan 29, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jan 29, 2014)




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## Geedee (Jan 30, 2014)

Posted this on my Facebook Page and its just too good not to share here


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## Wurger (Jan 30, 2014)



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## vikingBerserker (Jan 30, 2014)




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## otftch (Jan 31, 2014)

> To any blondes I do apologize, but since I laughed out loud, I figured a few of you might as well!
>
> 
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
>
> She'd seen many books on the subject,
>
> and finally getting all the necessary tools together,
>
> she made for the ice.
>
> After positioning her comfy footstool,
>
> she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
>
> Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
>
> poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
>
> Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
> The blonde, now worried, moved away,
>
> clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
>
> She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
>
> The voice came once more,
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
>
>
> She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
>
> "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
>
> The voice replied,
>
> "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

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## Wurger (Jan 31, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 31, 2014)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 1, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 1, 2014)

_The gratitude of every home in our Island, in our Empire, and indeed throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the World War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few. All hearts go out to the fighter pilots, whose brilliant actions we see with our own eyes day after day, but we must never forget that all the time, night after night, month after month, our bomber squadrons travel far into Germany, find their targets in the darkness by the highest navigational skill, aim their attacks, often under the heaviest fire, often with serious loss, with deliberate, careful discrimination, and inflict shattering blows upon the whole of the technical and war-making structure of the Nazi power. On no part of the Royal Air Force does the weight of the war fall more heavily than on the daylight bombers who will play an invaluable part in the case of invasion and whose unflinching zeal it has been necessary in the meanwhile on numerous occasions to restrain…_


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## Crimea_River (Feb 3, 2014)

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. 
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. 
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to
the general store and get him some smokes and beer. 
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and
beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. 
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to
run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?" 

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash
when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was".

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 3, 2014)

OUCH!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 4, 2014)

That's when the fight started...


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## javlin (Feb 4, 2014)

Subject: A retirees last visit to Publix

> Yesterday I was at the Villages Publix buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 

What did she think I had an elephant?


> So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.


> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



Publix won't let me shop there anymore.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 4, 2014)



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## Crimea_River (Feb 4, 2014)

Good ones guys.


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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 4, 2014)

LMAO Javlin!


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 4, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 5, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 9, 2014)

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before. 

So he calls up his dad and asks him, "What do I do first?" 

His dad says, "Take her clothes off and put her in bed. "

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's naked and in bed what do I do now?" 

His dad says, "Take your clothes off and get in bed." 

He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her what do I do now?"

His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "Look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!" 

The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"


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## Crimea_River (Feb 9, 2014)

FLUSH!!!!

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## Crimea_River (Feb 9, 2014)

Three old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”


The first old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”

The second old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”

The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 9, 2014)

Cool, so now I have a term for the way I play!


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## Gnomey (Feb 9, 2014)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 9, 2014)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 10, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 10, 2014)

vikingBerserker said:


> Cool, so now I have a term for the way I play!



I'm right there with you David.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 11, 2014)

Awesome on the tanker...


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## Geedee (Feb 11, 2014)

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you'.

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least.

The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. * You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 11, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Crimea_River (Feb 11, 2014)

I feel that I have regular career sex.

Every day I come home feeling that I've been screwed but I can't remember how.


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 11, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 11, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 13, 2014)

I knew that it was a law for it!!


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 13, 2014)

A-FRICKEN-MEN!!!!!!!!!


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## Wurger (Feb 13, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Feb 13, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 14, 2014)




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## javlin (Feb 14, 2014)

Little Johnny again!

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: 
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the power ball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth". 

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson .... 

"And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's whore

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## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 15, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Feb 15, 2014)




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## javlin (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry if this has been posted begore first time I have seen it and some are pretty good.

Why The Chicken Crossed The Road

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period. 

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. 

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? 

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. 

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. 

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. 

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. 

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road. 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 15, 2014)

LMAO


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## Wurger (Feb 15, 2014)

LMAO !


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 16, 2014)

I'll third that.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 16, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 16, 2014)

Today my kids (Daughter 10 Son 12.5) were talking about the new Dr. Who.

Son: "I think the new Dr. is mental (i.e. a little bit on the crazy side)."
Daughter: "He's not mental, he's British."

My daughter has been watching too much Monty Python (if possible).

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 16, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 17, 2014)




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## Wurger (Feb 17, 2014)




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## v2 (Feb 19, 2014)

A man received message from his neighbour:

"Sorry sir, I am using your wife... day and night... when you are not present at home.... In fact - more than you; 

I confess because now I feel very much guilty... Hope you will accept my sincere apologies".


... And the man shot his wife.......

A few minutes later he received another message :

"Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... wi fi. Not wife".

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## Wurger (Feb 19, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Gnomey (Feb 19, 2014)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 20, 2014)

Ooops......


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 20, 2014)




----------



## fubar57 (Feb 20, 2014)

Geo

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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2014)

Or a night with.....this..

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## Wayne Little (Feb 21, 2014)

Jesus Jan, you heading out for the evening without shaving your legs....shame on you man....

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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2014)

I recent that remark! That's Terry on his latest school reunion I'll have you know!


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 21, 2014)

Gees, I don't know which is worse, that pic or that we have to keep Bieber now.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 21, 2014)

Looks like one of Terry's .


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## Gnomey (Feb 21, 2014)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 254708
> 
> 
> Geo



Thankfully the American's can keep him...


----------



## fubar57 (Feb 21, 2014)

Update time....





Geo


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 21, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 21, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 22, 2014)

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds 10,000 US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through further surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his
blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had done the first time. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".


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## Wayne Little (Feb 22, 2014)




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## Wurger (Feb 22, 2014)

I'm glad it wasn't Jan. Dread to think what the Arab Sheik could have in his veins.


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 22, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2014)

Absolut, Sailor Jerry, Morgans Spiced, Tequila, Whisky, a sh*tload of different beers etc., etc....he might have gone berserk in the hospital!


----------



## Wurger (Feb 22, 2014)

Undoubtedly...


----------



## Airframes (Feb 22, 2014)

Heck, take blood from Jan, and it would have a frothy head on it !!
Talking of which, seeing as I have to have a multiple blood test every month, I reckon the Hospital has more of my blood than I have!


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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2014)

.....and the alcohol % is??


----------



## Airframes (Feb 22, 2014)

Zero, old boy. Haven't been out for a pint for a couple of weeks. I was going to go out tonight, but just can't be bothered!


----------



## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2014)

Soon enough, you'll have all the pub owners in town at your door, making sure that you're alright old chap....


----------



## michaelmaltby (Feb 23, 2014)

The Know-It-All

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.
Who said: 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.
"Let's try one a bit more difficult.
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fxxk the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now !" …she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that ?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly,

"Americans ; if Hillary wins the next election ".

Reactions: Bacon Bacon:
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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2014)

pmsl!


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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 24, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 24, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 26, 2014)

You know it's a slow news day when the press are outraged by _this_ ...


----------



## michaelmaltby (Feb 26, 2014)

Best Olympic Photo ....


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 26, 2014)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Feb 26, 2014)

to both!


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 27, 2014)




----------



## Wurger (Feb 27, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2014)

Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.


----------



## Wurger (Mar 2, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 2, 2014)

US Naval support for the Ukraine


----------



## Glider (Mar 2, 2014)

Ouch!! a bit harsh but I do get it


----------



## razor1uk (Mar 2, 2014)

Does anyone remember the POE (Point Of Existance) mods for Battlefield Vietnam and BF2 - Best Modded Game of the Year 2008 2012 each - ..well it seems they weren't far off the mark, just that instead of the Ukraine invading EU, its coming from the otherside....

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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2014)




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## Wurger (Mar 2, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 3, 2014)




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## gumbyk (Mar 3, 2014)

Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was 
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. 
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked. 
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.

The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 3, 2014)




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## Wurger (Mar 4, 2014)

Watch your wife !


----------



## kyle (Mar 4, 2014)

lol


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## Wayne Little (Mar 4, 2014)




----------



## v2 (Mar 4, 2014)



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## Gnomey (Mar 4, 2014)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Mar 4, 2014)

LMAO!


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 5, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 5, 2014)

...


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## Wurger (Mar 5, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 5, 2014)

....


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 5, 2014)

Hey, it's the new Russian Salute!


----------



## Geedee (Mar 6, 2014)

CONFESSION

OOPS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jimmy received the following text from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Jimmy, I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess...I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. 
In fact, more than you...I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. 
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

Pete, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his shotgun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife" Sorry!!!!!!!!!!


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## Gnomey (Mar 6, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 6, 2014)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 7, 2014)

Oops!


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## michaelmaltby (Mar 7, 2014)

...

Reactions: Bacon Bacon:
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## razor1uk (Mar 7, 2014)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dErAZL1Hr8_

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5DnZXCBkIQ_


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## B-17engineer (Mar 8, 2014)

Hey...


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 8, 2014)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2014)




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## Wurger (Mar 8, 2014)




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## fubar57 (Mar 9, 2014)

Geo


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## Wurger (Mar 9, 2014)

He, he, he...


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## Wayne Little (Mar 9, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Mar 10, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 10, 2014)

NICE!


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## Wayne Little (Mar 11, 2014)

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their
shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 11, 2014)

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station. 

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a paycheck. 

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 12, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 12, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 13, 2014)

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

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## Wurger (Mar 13, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 15, 2014)

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


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## Wurger (Mar 15, 2014)

An Arab is riding a camel across the Sahara desert. Unexpected he is meeting a scuba diver wearing all the diving stuff with the snorkel and swimming fins. The Arab stopped the camel and is looking at the guy unbelievingly. When he came closer the camel rider welcomed him with the Salam alejkum greeting. 
The scuba diver answered "Hi" and said " What a freakin's large beach you have here."


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## razor1uk (Mar 15, 2014)

loL


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## Wayne Little (Mar 16, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 17, 2014)

Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?








A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.

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## Wurger (Mar 17, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 17, 2014)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Mar 17, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Gnomey (Mar 18, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 19, 2014)

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."


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## Wurger (Mar 19, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 19, 2014)

What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a road and a dead snake on the road?

The skid marks are in front of the snake.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 20, 2014)




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## Wurger (Mar 20, 2014)

Recently, a Russian scientist has discovered that human's eyes had a nerve junction between them and an a$$. To prove that he pushed a needle into his bottom and started sheding tears without delay. Then he inserted the needle into an eye and $hit himself right away.


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## davparlr (Mar 20, 2014)

An old one but always funny.

Two lions were walking side by side on the African savanna when one reached around an licked the butt of the other. The first lion jumped and turned around and said, "Did you just lick my butt?". "Why, yes, I did", stated the second lion. "Why did you do that?", said the first lion. The second lion stated, "Well, I had a lawyer for lunch and I was just trying to get the taste out of my mouth!".


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## Wurger (Mar 20, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 20, 2014)

LMAO!


----------



## v2 (Mar 20, 2014)

...

Reactions: Like Like:
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## vikingBerserker (Mar 20, 2014)




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## Wurger (Mar 21, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 21, 2014)

lookout!


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## fubar57 (Mar 21, 2014)

Geo


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 21, 2014)

Dang it, I never thought of that!


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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2014)




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## Airframes (Mar 21, 2014)

It's always puzzled me why 'neutral' countries have armies, air forces and navies, with some good equipment too. Why?!!


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## Glider (Mar 21, 2014)

Presumably so no one will mess with you. The pain wouldn't be worth the gain


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 21, 2014)

Its like having a toy box full of toy and not getting to play with them.


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## michaelmaltby (Mar 22, 2014)

...

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## Wurger (Mar 22, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 22, 2014)

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

Reactions: Bacon Bacon:
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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 22, 2014)

LMAO!!!!!


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## javlin (Mar 23, 2014)

*MY NEW BOYFRIENDS*

I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.


Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along,
when he's here, he takes up a lot of my time attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired very glad to

go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer;
or whatever his name is. I forget!

and I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, JIM BEAM, JOSE QUERVO or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.

Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper..the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. 
So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and count your Blessings.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 24, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Mar 24, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 24, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2014)

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other ******* using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another *******?"


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 25, 2014)

LMAO!
________________________


Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings. 

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?" 

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters." 

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first

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## razor1uk (Mar 25, 2014)

michaelmaltby said:


>


 the Obama Warned Me pic is funny, I gather was it taken after the topless protestor had been re-clothed and taken away (for re-education at some gulag).

Alegedly
Mrs. Deutch "I'm sorry I wasn't expecting to see that, did you plan it for my birthday suprise?"
Mr. Poccyn "Oh how my heart was beating, I thought you were going to tweek her, since your hand is almost tweeking me now"
Mrs. Deutch "Oops, sorry, it Is a little fun, only in Russia you say!? I think this was all just a ruse to make me laugh"
Mr. Poccyn "Really, that's not at all what just happened, I didn't organise it"
Mrs. Deutch "Oh good because my personal bodyguard is so high (her right hand indication) and so big ( left hand indication), he likes Judo too ...if you like ...it could be arranged"
Mr Poccyn "Really, mm a 'match' with him in the future, maybe I will grapple with your guard if you like; you'd watch yes. ...So big eh? well don't tell anyone else, but (his right hand indication) I'm like this *his left hand indication*"
Mrs. Deutch "Oh my, mmm, thats tighter than Vatican postal service"


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 25, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 26, 2014)

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. 

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' 

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' 

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. 

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.' 

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' 



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 26, 2014)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2014)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 27, 2014)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 27, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 27, 2014)

What happens for the burial?


----------



## vikingBerserker (Mar 27, 2014)

I so hope this is true, regardless pretty funny.

Reactions: Bacon Bacon:
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## looney (Mar 28, 2014)

Airframes said:


> It's always puzzled me why 'neutral' countries have armies, air forces and navies, with some good equipment too. Why?!!



Well see WW2 Netherlands no army to speak from but neutral we got invaded by the Germans, but there where allied plans to do the same. We where in a to strategic position.


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## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2014)




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## Wurger (Mar 28, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 29, 2014)

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

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## Wurger (Mar 29, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 29, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 29, 2014)

Ron was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica, and for the sake of civility,
(plus to keep things from getting sunburned), he kept a hat over his private parts.

A woman walked past and said, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat."
Ron raised an eyebrow and replied:
"If you were better looking, it would lift itself.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 30, 2014)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 30, 2014)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2014)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 30, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 30, 2014)

LMAO!


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2014)

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. 

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. 

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. 

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. 

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 31, 2014)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2014)




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## fubar57 (Apr 3, 2014)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP8RB7UZHKI_

At least i think it's funny.

Geo


----------



## fubar57 (Apr 3, 2014)

I am without words...

Geo


----------



## Alex . (Apr 3, 2014)

Snakes on a plane

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## javlin (Apr 3, 2014)

The Frog and Golf
>

> A man takes the day off work and
> Decides to go out golfing.
>
> He is on the second hole when he
> Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
>
> He thinks nothing of it and is
> About to shoot when he Hears,
>
> Ribbit 9 Iron.'
>
> The man looks around and doesn't
> See anyone.
>
> Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
>
> He looks at the frog and decides to
> Prove the frog wrong, puts the
> Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
>
> Boom!
> He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
>
> He is shocked.
>
> He says to the frog,
>
> 'Wow that's amazing..
>
> You must be a lucky frog, he?
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
>
> The man decides to take the frog
> with him to the next hole.
>
> 'What do you think frog?'
>
> The man asks.
>
> 'Ribbit 3 wood.'
>
> The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
> Boom! Hole in one...
>
> The man is befuddled and doesn't know
> What to say.
>
> By the end of the day, the man golfed the
> Best game of golf in his life and
> asks the frog,
>
> 'OK where to next?'
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
>
> ' They go to Las Vegas
> and the guy says,
>
> 'OK frog, now What?'
>
> The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
>
> Upon approaching the roulette table,
>
> The man asks,
>
> 'What do you think I should Bet?'
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
>
> Now, this is a
> million-to-one shot to win, but
> after the golf game the man
> Figures what the heck.
>
> Boom!
>
> Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
>
> The man takes his winnings and
> buys the best room in the Hotel.
>
> He sits the frog down and Says,
>
> 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you
> You've won me all this money and
> I am forever grateful.'
>
> The frog replies,
>
> 'Ribbit KissMe.'
> He figures why not,
>
> Since after all the frog did for Him,
> He deserves it..
>
> With a kiss, the frog turn s into a
> gorgeous 16-year-old girl.
>
> 'And that,
>
> your honor, is how the girl
> ended up in my room.
>
> So help me God
> Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'


----------



## michaelmaltby (Apr 4, 2014)

The Class Sketch:

BBC Four - The Frost Report Is Back!, The Class Sketch


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## Gnomey (Apr 4, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 4, 2014)




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## Wurger (Apr 5, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 5, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 8, 2014)

*Ralph and Edna*

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

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## Lucky13 (Apr 8, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 8, 2014)




----------



## Wurger (Apr 8, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 8, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 9, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 11, 2014)

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


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## Wurger (Apr 11, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 11, 2014)

Reminds me of this one:

Texan walks into a bar looking for a fight and shouts "Ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Irishmen!!"

He looks around but no-one gives him even looks up. He then yells a bit louder "Ah say, ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Eyetalians!!!!"

Again, the patrons just shrug and go back to their beers. So now he's getting steamed and shouts at the top of his lungs "Ma name's Brown - B-R-O-W-N - and ah'm Texan through and through. Ah hate Scotsmen!!!!!"

Well, at that, a little guy dressed in a kilt slams down his beer and jumps off his stool, struts over to the Texan and gives him a swift kick in the groin. As the Texan doubles over in pain, the Scotsman says "Meh name is MacPherson - M-A-C-P-H-E-R-S-O-N - and Ay'm Sco'ish throo and throo - except meh arsehole which is Brown - B-R-O-W-N!!!!!


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## Wurger (Apr 11, 2014)




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## abaddon1 (Apr 11, 2014)

Just a little something regarding "Old Pilots and Bold Pilots"

Some years ago I had the good fortune to meet one of the real pre-war RAF pilots. Harry, a brusque Yorkshirman; had flown Handly-Page Heyfords in the Thirties, and had little time for what he called "Show-off bits of kids"... primarily, The Red Arrows Display team.
As the team performed one of its spectacular converging manoevers, he snorted disdainfully and muttered...

_"Call that flying? Now't in that. REAL flying is cross-country in morning Lincolnshire fog with F**k-all on't clock but makers nameplate, and goggles misted up... now that's real flying."_

He went on to fly a total of sixty types including a Dak. over Arnhem, and passed away peacefully, aged Ninety-five.

R.I.P Harry; One of the real flyers.

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## pbehn (Apr 11, 2014)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 258375
> 
> 
> I am without words...
> ...



from my daughter


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## Wurger (Apr 11, 2014)

He, he, he...


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## pbehn (Apr 11, 2014)

Wurger said:


> He, he, he...



quack quack


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## Wurger (Apr 11, 2014)



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## pbehn (Apr 11, 2014)

good one


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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2014)




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## Wurger (Apr 12, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 12, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 13, 2014)

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.


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## Wurger (Apr 13, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 13, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 14, 2014)



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## Wurger (Apr 14, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 16, 2014)

*Great News! The book, "Understanding Women", is now out in paperback!*


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 16, 2014)

I heard Volumes 2 - 357 will be out shortly as well!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 17, 2014)




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## Wurger (Apr 17, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 17, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 18, 2014)

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 18, 2014)

LOL


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## Crimea_River (Apr 18, 2014)




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## Wurger (Apr 18, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2014)

Government Funded.....doesn't that mean that I'm funding myself?? 

Just saying....

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## michaelmaltby (Apr 19, 2014)

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit

Jump out across the middle of the road.



He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the

Rabbit jumps right in front of the car.



The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is The Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.



The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway

Sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. 

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.



"I feel terrible," ! He explains,

"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."



The blonde says, “Don’t worry." 

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,

Bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.



The Easter Bunny jumps up! 

It waves its paw and hops off down the road. 


Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again.

He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,

hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

hops another ten feet, turns and waves

and repeats this again and again and again and again,

until he hops out of sight.



The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, 

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"



The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Now, are you ready for this?)



(You know you're gonna be sorry)



(Last chance to get out of this)



(OK, you asked for it, here it is)



It says,



"Hair Spray, Restores Life to Dead Hair,

And Adds Permanent Wave."

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## vikingBerserker (Apr 19, 2014)

LOL


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 19, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2014)

_“I expect to pass through this world but once; any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”_

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## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2014)




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## Wurger (Apr 22, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2014)

husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


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## Wurger (Apr 26, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 26, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 26, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 26, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 27, 2014)

The careless camper .....


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 27, 2014)

Worldview ...


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## Wurger (Apr 27, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 27, 2014)

Sad.........................................................................................................but true.


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## javlin (Apr 27, 2014)

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the Yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?" The Yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees,I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went overthe line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?” "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow,the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. “Yesterday my owner had just gotten out of the shower and she was bending downto dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and startedhammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

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## Wurger (Apr 28, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 28, 2014)




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## subkraft (Apr 29, 2014)

Two Wall St. banker guys on vacation....as usual they go to Alaska to snort coke .......and shoot bears.
The light plane pilot hired to fly and collect them warns: " Guy's, its a small plane. We can only bring back one bear."
They accept.

Both bears are dead and the bankers are demanding that the corpses are flown home to be stuffed and mounted.

The pilot is bribed to agree.

The plane crashes.....the pilot is killed.

The two bankers are thrown clear.....land in a snowbank, look at each other, one asks the other other...where are we?. 

Second banker: " Same place we crashed last year"


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## Wurger (Apr 29, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 29, 2014)




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## Njaco (Apr 29, 2014)



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## Wurger (Apr 29, 2014)




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## Airframes (Apr 29, 2014)

Security officials at Harwich Container Port have just uncovered a new terrorist plot. A shipping container holding thousands of cans of 'Alphabetti Spaghetti', bound for the USA, was opened, and the cans examined. Each can held an explosive charge. A Royal Engineers EOD officer stated "If the charges had been detonated, it could have spelled disaster ". 

(Yes, I know .... I've got me coat already!).

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## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2014)

Aw man........


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## imalko (Apr 30, 2014)




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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2014)

Great...


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## fubar57 (Apr 30, 2014)

Geo


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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (May 1, 2014)

Well there ya go....


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## Wayne Little (May 5, 2014)

DEFENCe Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of
April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside
me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30
years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and
told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'APRIL FOOL!' And that's when I shot him,
the little bastard.

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## Wurger (May 5, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (May 5, 2014)

MALE LOGIC ..... Critical Thinking
At Its Best!



Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

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## gumbyk (May 5, 2014)

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.” 
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid “Trucker’s Wedgie.” 
Cars were backed up for miles. 
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?” 
The truck driver said, “No officer,… I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 5, 2014)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 261663
> 
> 
> Geo



I would have died back in 2014 B.C.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 5, 2014)

Good on Gumbyk!LMAO!


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## Gnomey (May 5, 2014)




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## Wurger (May 5, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (May 5, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (May 6, 2014)




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## Wurger (May 6, 2014)

Found on the FB.


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## vikingBerserker (May 6, 2014)

LMAO!

Reason #1 why I am so glad to be a guy.


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## Wurger (May 7, 2014)

Me too.


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## Gnomey (May 7, 2014)




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## Wurger (May 7, 2014)

A teacher asked children of her kindergarten class "what is the greatest hurt in the world"
A small Maggie put her hand up and said.... The greatest hurt is when a woman gives birth.
Listening to that John screamed in anger .. Oh yeah ? I guess nobody has hammered your nuts so far.


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## vikingBerserker (May 7, 2014)

LMAO


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## gumbyk (May 7, 2014)

Wurger said:


> A teacher asked children of her kindergarten class "what is the greatest hurt in the world"
> A small Maggie put her hand up and said.... The greatest hurt is when a woman gives birth.
> Listening to that John screamed in anger .. Oh yeah ? I guess nobody has hammered your nuts so far.



Yeah, and women often go back for seconds.

I've never heard a guy say "You know, I could go another kick in the nuts.."

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## Wurger (May 7, 2014)

gumbyk said:


> Yeah, and women often go back for seconds.
> 
> I've never heard a guy say "You know, I could go another kick in the nuts.."


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## Gnomey (May 9, 2014)




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## Jeff Hunt (May 10, 2014)

A guy sits downstairs while his wife is soaking in the tub. After he hears her crawl into bed he decides to head up figuring there was only one reason why she bathed just before bedtime.

After a couple of minutes he reaches over and starts to put the moves on when she throws his arm off and with some and derision informs her husband that she has an early morning appointment with her gynaecologist.

The husband lays there for a minute and then asks if she has a dentist appointment in the morning.........



Cheers,

Jeff


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## vikingBerserker (May 10, 2014)

LMAO


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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2014)

_"The number of ships grows: the endless stream of Vikings never ceases to increase. Everywhere the Christians are the victims of massacres, burnings, plunderings. The Vikings conquer all in their path and nothing resists them”
-Ermantarius of Noirmoutier, c. 860_

Oh come on, we weren't that bad, really.....


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## Wayne Little (May 11, 2014)




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## Jeff Hunt (May 11, 2014)

A doctor is sitting in his office at the end of another busy day and he is struggling with a great degree of guilt because for the first time in over 25 years of his practice he had sex with one of his patients. He has just about convinces himself to go to the authorities to unburden his soul when a little red devil pops up on his shoulder.

The devil leans in close and whispers into the doctor's ear. ' Hey doc, why so glum? You have done nothing wrong. The patient didn't complain, you had a great time, thousands of doctors have done it in the past and thousands more will do it in the future. Relax, its all good", and with a little poof, the devil is gone.

The doctor begins to ponder what he has just heard and slowly he comes to believe that what the devil had said is the truth and that he has nothing to fear nor be upset about and with that he gets up to leave the office.

As he is locking the office door a little angel pops up onto the other shoulder, leans in close and whispers into the ear of the doctor.......






" Hey Doc, you're a veterinarian "




Have a great day everybody


Jeff

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## Wurger (May 11, 2014)




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## Gnomey (May 11, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (May 12, 2014)




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## Wurger (May 13, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (May 13, 2014)

Damn cats, you just can't trust them sneaky little [email protected] that purring sh!t to get under your guard and whammo...


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## Gnomey (May 13, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (May 13, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 13, 2014)

You have a bad time with cats Wayne?


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## Wurger (May 14, 2014)

Of course...


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## Old Wizard (May 14, 2014)

In another life we had a cat named Bumbles that would sneak up onto the bed and then purr like a buzz saw.
That was grounds for eviction.

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## Old Wizard (May 15, 2014)

The cats revenge. We now have a cat hero because it saved a kid from an attacking dog.


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## Glider (May 15, 2014)

A number of years ago we had a male cat that was raped by next doors very large rabbit. I have to admit with the noise he was making, we left him to fend for himself and were curled up on the grass crying with laughter.


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## Gnomey (May 15, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 15, 2014)

Got this in a E-mail today. Entitled Where Are My Glasses
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. 

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing , I said.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the girls.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.



She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

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## Wayne Little (May 16, 2014)




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## Gnomey (May 17, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (May 17, 2014)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Geedee (May 23, 2014)

1. Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up and take the bloody disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.

2. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no f***ers eating fish ever again.

3. Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much

4. Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?

5. Try this for fun: Go to a car park and put post-it notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.

6 What do you call the wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa!

7. A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.

8. You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, then some more to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms

9 If you have always wondered why it is that a dog finds great joy in sticking his head out of a car window at 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your stinking breath.

10. Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...

11. Just watched a Loch Ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.

12 I would imagine if you understood morse code, a tap dancer could be swearing at you!

13. Whenever I moon my dog howls at it

14. What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Primark.

15. Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

16. The gf’s a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops.

17. Noah's diary: Day 39....Unicorn pie is frikkin' delicious!


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## Wayne Little (May 23, 2014)




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## Gnomey (May 23, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (May 23, 2014)

Those are awesome!


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## Elmas (May 29, 2014)

Just out of the shower ... I look in the mirror and think aloud: "How nice it would be to have bigger tits........" My husband - who has heard - instead of saying "It's not true!" as usual, says "if you want to grow, you have to pass a piece of toilet paper in the midst of boobs for a few seconds." 

Very doubtful, but decided to try everything, I take a piece of toilet paper and pass it to me in the midst of boobs for a few seconds. When I ask "but how long will it take?" 

He replies, "You do it every day for a few years." "But I really believe that by passing a piece of toilet paper in the middle of the boobs every day I will become larger after a few years?" 

"If it worked your butt, why not?" 
My husband is still alive, and with a few months of therapy, probably will walk again.

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## Wurger (May 29, 2014)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 3, 2014)

Found this one today.

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## Wurger (Jun 3, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jun 3, 2014)

Found at Facebook...

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## Crimea_River (Jun 3, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 3, 2014)

No KIDDING!


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 3, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 4, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 5, 2014)

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.

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## Crimea_River (Jun 5, 2014)

An oldie but a goodie!


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## Wurger (Jun 6, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 6, 2014)

Never mind - posted a joke and the censors blanked out a key word in the punch line


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## javlin (Jun 7, 2014)

My 4th and 7th grade teachers would of qualified for that honor

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## Wayne Little (Jun 7, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 7, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jun 7, 2014)



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## vikingBerserker (Jun 7, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 8, 2014)

_From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there*– on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity*– in all this vastness*– there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known, so far, to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment, the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known._

Carl Sagan

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## javlin (Jun 8, 2014)

I gotta get out of this place if its the last thing I ever do.....


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## Lucky13 (Jun 8, 2014)

'They' will find you and 'they' will bring you back, if you only knew, how many times it's been tried, 'they' always find you....


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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2014)

javlin said:


> I gotta get out of this place if its the last thing I ever do.....



There is NO Escape....


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## Shortround6 (Jun 9, 2014)




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## gumbyk (Jun 9, 2014)

javlin said:


> I gotta get out of this place if its the last thing I ever do.....



Was that an 'Angels' reference? Very timely!


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## javlin (Jun 9, 2014)

gumbyk said:


> Was that an 'Angels' reference? Very timely!



More from here 
_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k1AyPAgNLM_


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## Wayne Little (Jun 10, 2014)




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## T Bolt (Jun 10, 2014)

Beware of the sun!


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## Wurger (Jun 10, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2014)

Skin cancer!


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## javlin (Jun 10, 2014)

Gnomey said:


> Skin cancer!



Must be that Doc in you  Me I just go idoits!

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## gumbyk (Jun 10, 2014)

That one with the sunglasses reminds me of myself after flying the Ryan for 4 days. Imagine the same, but with flying goggles. I had this nice little triangle in the middle of my forehead! Wind, not sun though!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 11, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jun 11, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 11, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 14, 2014)

The day before Father’s Day, Mary Murhpy took her three-year-old son, Paddy, to the Easons to pick out a card for his Da. Inside, she showed him the cards and asked him to pick one.

Paddy was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots. “Paddy, what are ya doing?” Mary asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for your Da yet?”

“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

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## Crimea_River (Jun 14, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 14, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jun 14, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2014)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 14, 2014)



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## Wurger (Jun 15, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 15, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 15, 2014)

LMAO


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## gumbyk (Jun 15, 2014)

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." 
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 16, 2014)

Politically incorrect, hilarious:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqLB8wyrE_A_

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## Gnomey (Jun 16, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 16, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 17, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jun 18, 2014)




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## GrauGeist (Jun 19, 2014)

Saw this, this morning and had a good laugh:



> This happened to an Englishman in France, who was totally drunk.
> 
> The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a Frenchman, that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of malt thereafter.
> 
> ...


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## Wurger (Jun 19, 2014)




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## javlin (Jun 19, 2014)

This is an actual letter: State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries: 

SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County 

Dear Mr. DeVries: 

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. 

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. 

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2013. 

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. 

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. 

Sincerely, 
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division. 


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: 

Re: DEQ File 
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County 

Dear Mr. Price, 

Your certified letter dated 11/17/12 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania . 

A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.' 

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. 






These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. 

My first dam question to you is: 
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? 

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.) 

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. 

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. 

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. 

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). 

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2013? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them. 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump! 

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. 

THANK YOU, 

RYAN DEVRIES THE DAM BEAVERS

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## Bucksnort101 (Jun 19, 2014)

Dam troublemakin Beavers!


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## Gnomey (Jun 19, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 20, 2014)

Love it!!!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 21, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 21, 2014)

My God I so hope that is real!


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## Wurger (Jun 22, 2014)

VFR landing.... please notice the main landing gear and air-brakes open.

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## Elmas (Jun 22, 2014)



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## Wurger (Jun 22, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 22, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 22, 2014)

Talk about a "Birds Eye View".


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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 22, 2014)

Ain't that the truth!!!


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## javlin (Jun 23, 2014)

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, butI just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was......
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 23, 2014)




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## gumbyk (Jun 23, 2014)



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## javlin (Jun 23, 2014)

Alright two in one day.A fella on another sight posted this, it's titled 

"Separated at Birth"

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## pbehn (Jun 24, 2014)

javlin said:


> Alright two in one day.A fella on another sight posted this, it's titled
> 
> "Separated at Birth"


 should be captured and on trial


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## Crimea_River (Jun 24, 2014)

Distraught husband filing a report on his missing wife:

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping still has not reached home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pant suit or dress..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was she going in a car???
Husband: Yes. A Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. Then the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 24, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jun 24, 2014)




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## Capt. Vick (Jun 24, 2014)

Silly but a classic

How many ears does Spock have?


3...his right ear, his left ear and his final frontier! 


I'll get me coat....


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 24, 2014)

That was bad....


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 24, 2014)

But you STILL laughed Dave.


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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2014)

Oh dear ...


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## Elmas (Jun 28, 2014)

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS:

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 28, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2014)




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## razor1uk (Jul 1, 2014)

Oh my giddy aunt, if she weren't on the floor already laughing, she certainly is after that last set of jokes - ...I don't know, whats her maiden name? Oh my ribs, that, The Redneck Evidence and Moe 'n Joe.


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlsvLZvAkOg_
tomago = egg(s)
urasai = shut up/shut it/quiet!
*pam = Sp*m- to negate any copyright infringements






It was 100% oxygen, ..and now I know how your goldfish feels..


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## Wayne Little (Jul 3, 2014)

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? 

A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

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## Gnomey (Jul 3, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 3, 2014)

LOL


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## Elmas (Jul 4, 2014)

What's the difference between a politician and a lady?

If a politician says "Yes'" he means "Maybe."
If a politician says "Maybe" he means "No".
If a politician says "No" is not a politician.
But on the other hand ...
If a woman says "No" she means "Maybe."
If a lady says, "Maybe" she means "Yes. '"
If a lady says: "Yes! '" she's not a lady.

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## Wayne Little (Jul 5, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 5, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jul 5, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2014)




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## rtwpsom2 (Jul 6, 2014)

Q: What is a P-400?
A: A P-40 with a Zero on it's tail.

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## Wayne Little (Jul 7, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jul 7, 2014)

He, he, he...


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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2014)

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. 

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"


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## razor1uk (Jul 8, 2014)

lol, make ure it isn't 'tea' coloured (as in tea without milk, or of a light ice tea style) ...eeeuww


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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 9, 2014)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 11, 2014)

distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the riest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" 
"Of course. What may I do for you?" 
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair-dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" 
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." 
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." 
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" 
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." 
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" 
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." 
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

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## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jul 11, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2014)

These are a selection (So I am told) of complaints made to Travel Agents by holiday makers... 
I can only presume to much Sun was to blame............ 
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was ed to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many ** foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


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## Gnomey (Jul 13, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 14, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 14, 2014)

Sad.


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## gumbyk (Jul 14, 2014)



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## vikingBerserker (Jul 14, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jul 15, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2014)

Good one!


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## michaelmaltby (Jul 16, 2014)

Obituary: Archibald (Archie) Andrews, 1941-2014 - The Globe and Mail


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## michaelmaltby (Jul 17, 2014)

...


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## Wayne Little (Jul 17, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jul 17, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 19, 2014)

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

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## Crimea_River (Jul 19, 2014)




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## Wurger (Jul 19, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 19, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 20, 2014)

A coach full of Paddy’s are on a mystery tour and decide to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.

The driver won £52!!!

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## vikingBerserker (Jul 20, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 21, 2014)

Everyone else must have been blond.


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## at6 (Jul 21, 2014)

A man walks into a pet shop. As he passes a Parrot says "Polly wants a cracker". He looks over and says, "stupid bird". The Parrot looked at him and said "Oh yeah? Let's see you eat with your pecker!"


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 21, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 22, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2014)




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## at6 (Jul 28, 2014)

A gay man falls overboard on a cruise. He's screaming "Help, help I can't swim. A group of passengers throw a ring with a rope to him and yell," Grab the buoy, grab the buoy". He screams back," This is no time for sex I'm drowning"!


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## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 29, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 30, 2014)

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. 
> There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave
> Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims, 
> .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' 
> The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. 
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' 
> More sighs and loud applause. 
> Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!' 
> There is total silence. 
> The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' 
> Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, 
> 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said......
'Screw him!'

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## Wayne Little (Jul 30, 2014)




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## at6 (Jul 30, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 30, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Jul 30, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Jul 30, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Jul 30, 2014)

First of many I'll post of you like them:

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## Wayne Little (Jul 31, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Jul 31, 2014)



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## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 1, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2014)

Sweet!


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## Crimea_River (Aug 2, 2014)




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## Wurger (Aug 2, 2014)




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## javlin (Aug 3, 2014)

Some of those are good Andy


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## Crimea_River (Aug 3, 2014)

Yeah, and some aren't.


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## Gnomey (Aug 3, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 5, 2014)




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## javlin (Aug 5, 2014)

Drinking with a Texas Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a TEXAS girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that

we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' 



The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into

the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In TEXAS , we have so many illegal aliens that

we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' 


God Bless
TEXAS!

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## Wayne Little (Aug 6, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 6, 2014)

AMEN!


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## Wurger (Aug 7, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 11, 2014)

_Leave my fire engine alone!!_


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## Wayne Little (Aug 12, 2014)

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: She sits by a candle.


Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: She lights it.


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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 12, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 13, 2014)

Help me, Colorado


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfNzW9YY8QE_


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## javlin (Aug 13, 2014)

A story I have been following closely esp ISIS and the truth in a cartoon..

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## javlin (Aug 13, 2014)

From the White House
Concerning Pensions, Healthcare
and Benefits




نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه
ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور
اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
نيست نقش


If I Hear
Anything Else,
I'll Let You Know.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 14, 2014)




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## Wurger (Aug 14, 2014)

A daughter got back home from a school and is boasting about her knowledge..

Mom.. all children were able to count up to 5 only but I could up to 10. Is that I'm a blonde?
Yes my baby girl - said Mom.

On the another day she returned home and said... All children knew the alphabet up to C only but I knew it up to E. Is that I'm a blonde?
Yes it is , my little girl.. answered the mother.

The next day the daugher went back in home crying and said.. Mom all children were laughing at me because of my big breasts. Is that I'm a blonde?
No it isn't my sweetie. It is because you are 14 while other chldren are 7 only..

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## Wurger (Aug 15, 2014)

The Police issued a job advertisement. They were looking for blond women. There were three who answered that announcement.
A recruitment committee decided to check on their intelligence. The first blonde was called for the test. She was given with a pic of a man seen in left profile.
What can you tell us about the guy? - asked the Police investigator.
The man has one ear only.... replied the blonde.
The commitee rejected the candidature calling the second blonde showing her the same image and asking about the same.
Blonde no.2 was looking at the shot for a while and said... he has one ear only.
Of course they tossed her out at once.
The third blonde was asked for getting in... the bored commitee is asking the same question showing the picture.
He wears the contacts... she said.
Peelers started checking on papers and discovered she was right. The man wears the contact lenses.
How did you deduce that? - asked amazed investigator 
He is not able to wear glasses because he has one ear only... answered the blonde.


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## Geedee (Aug 15, 2014)

It's a little known fact that the Spitfire was license built by the German Aircraft Manufacturer 'Achtung'

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## Wurger (Aug 15, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Aug 15, 2014)




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## Wurger (Aug 15, 2014)

Found via the net..

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## Wayne Little (Aug 16, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 16, 2014)

Good one!


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## Crimea_River (Aug 16, 2014)

Ahhhhh The Wisdom of the Ages........

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to theWestern Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f!cking Brick wall."

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## Wurger (Aug 16, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2014)

excellent Andy!


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## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 18, 2014)

All I've got to say, _is...._

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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2014)




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## Wurger (Aug 20, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 20, 2014)

WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER - Safeshare.TV

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## at6 (Aug 20, 2014)

That was way good.


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## javlin (Aug 20, 2014)

at6 said:


> That was way good.




Yes it was


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## javlin (Aug 20, 2014)

Best Senior Moment I've heard!

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."


God Bless America - I love getting old

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## Wurger (Aug 21, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 21, 2014)

*Terry realising he's got one beer left in the fridge!*

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 21, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Wurger (Aug 22, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 22, 2014)




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## Airframes (Aug 22, 2014)

I found two !

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## Wurger (Aug 22, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 23, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 30, 2014)

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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## Crimea_River (Aug 30, 2014)

Very few places I can use that joke these days unfortunately.

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## Wurger (Aug 30, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Aug 30, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 31, 2014)

Crimea_River said:


> Very few places I can use that joke these days unfortunately.



True enough!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 1, 2014)

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it..........The thief was spending less then his wife.

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## Crimea_River (Sep 1, 2014)




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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2014)




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## javlin (Sep 2, 2014)

Should I? Should I?

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## Crimea_River (Sep 3, 2014)

I would!


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## Wurger (Sep 3, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 3, 2014)

Go for it!


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## Gnomey (Sep 3, 2014)

Woof!


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## Wurger (Sep 4, 2014)



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## vikingBerserker (Sep 4, 2014)

LMAO


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## razor1uk (Sep 4, 2014)

omFG! why does that remind me of a Woody Allen film..?


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## Crimea_River (Sep 4, 2014)

Reminds me of a quote from _Mash_ when Klinger said to some guy: "If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!"

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## at6 (Sep 4, 2014)

javlin said:


> Should I? Should I?


Do you mean sniff, bite or both? I would go for both.


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## at6 (Sep 4, 2014)

Wurger said:


>


 Looks like one of my former supervisors. Where did you find him?


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## Wurger (Sep 5, 2014)

at6 said:


> Looks like one of my former supervisors. Where did you find him?



Via the Internet.


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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 7, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2014)




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## javlin (Sep 11, 2014)

That's Right


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## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2014)




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## javlin (Sep 23, 2014)

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business
and patiently waiting
for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of
bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half
burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "
Remember 9-11" slogan
spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before
the light changed.
Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection
and ran directly
over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that
could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 23, 2014)

Oh dam -


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## javlin (Sep 23, 2014)

Oh here is another one got posted on another site hilarious about 1.5minutes long 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdIi7Kd9Ico_


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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2014)

If you don't like a Monday , sleep until a Tuesday.

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## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2014)




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## javlin (Sep 24, 2014)

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their
beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 25, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2014)




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## javlin (Sep 28, 2014)

Got home real late last night after a full day of golfing and hanging out drinking with the guys, and Katy left a message in the kitchen. 







I think she wants me to eat more fruit, bless her heart!

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## Wayne Little (Sep 29, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 29, 2014)

I laughed after I crossed my legs!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 30, 2014)

Youuuuuuuuuuu keep thinkin' that!


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## Wurger (Oct 1, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 1, 2014)

*BIOLOGY EXAM:*

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he quickly wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

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## javlin (Oct 2, 2014)

CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People
>Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
>Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
>Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
>Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
>Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
>"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
>Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant.
>Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
>Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
>Q: Why should 60 plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
>Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
>Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
>Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
>Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
>SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

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## Gnomey (Oct 2, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 2, 2014)

A man was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young womans hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

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## Wurger (Oct 2, 2014)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 3, 2014)

This'll work.

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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2014)

A 100W plasma gun? Holy crap ! ...


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## Wurger (Oct 5, 2014)

Posted by V2 at the Facebook..

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 5, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2014)




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## gumbyk (Oct 5, 2014)

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol 
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. 
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. 
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. 
After one day, these were the results: 
The first worm in alcohol - dead. 
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. 
Third worm in sperm - dead. 
Fourth worm in soil - alive. 
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." 
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have s*x, you won't have worms."

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 5, 2014)

Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off ....


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj2700em-JQ_


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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2014)




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## Wurger (Oct 8, 2014)




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## at6 (Oct 9, 2014)

Wurger said:


> Posted by V2 at the Facebook..
> 
> View attachment 273538


The inspector looks hungry.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 9, 2014)

might be wondering where she could get some of those....

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## Wurger (Oct 9, 2014)

at6 said:


> The inspector looks hungry.



Natürlich....


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## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 12, 2014)

Wayne Little said:


> might be wondering where she could get some of those....


Dow Corning 


Wheels

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## Old Wizard (Oct 12, 2014)

Wads of Kleenex. Been used for years by young girls.

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 13, 2014)

That's kinda what I was thinking OW.


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## at6 (Oct 13, 2014)

If one of them had a butterfly tattoo on the boob back then, by now with gravity it has become a cocoon.


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## GrauGeist (Oct 13, 2014)

at6 said:


> The inspector looks hungry.


Remember, in a socialist state, no one is allowed to have more than the other.

And in the gruppenfuhrer's case, she is really on the short end of the endowment! (no wonder she looks irritated)


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## v2 (Oct 22, 2014)

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. 

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.


For 100$, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. 

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. 

HE paid for your Shark Tank season tickets. 

HE paid for our house in the Berg. 

HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4. 

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.

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## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Oct 22, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 25, 2014)

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

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## Wurger (Oct 25, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 27, 2014)

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Joe. 
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Rose. 

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Rose to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. 

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Rose.

I'm not saying that showing this much patience consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Joe died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Rose was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2014)




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## at6 (Oct 27, 2014)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Oct 27, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Wurger (Oct 28, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 28, 2014)

Someone said, woman needs 4 animals :

Jaguar in garage,
Saber in coat-closet,
Tiger in bed,
And ass to pay for them all.


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## Crimea_River (Oct 28, 2014)




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## v2 (Oct 28, 2014)

I was hanging out alone at Bar on a Friday night. At around 2am, I decided to leave for home.
No Taxis were on route at that time of the morning so I decided to ask for a ride from any car that came by. It started to rain
and then a car stopped next to me, I quickly got into the
passenger side and closed the door. The car started moving and just when I was about to thank the driver, I discovered there was none!
I started to freak out, but I was afraid to jump out of a moving
vehicle. When the vehicle got to a bend, a hand came in through
the driver's window and turned the steering wheel! This happened
twice, but on the 3rd time I became totally freaked out and decided to
jump out of the vehicle, landing in a ditch full of rain water.
I got up and ran into a nearby bar, i had never been scared in my
whole life like that day. After downing four beers, 3 guys came
into the same bar, soaking wet. Then one of them recognized me
and started laughing uncontrollably while pointing at me. When he was
laughing he said loudly,
" ...ISN'T THIS THE GUY WHO
JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR THAT
WE WERE PUSHING ?


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## Wurger (Oct 28, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 28, 2014)

He was drunker than he thought he was.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 29, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2014)




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## at6 (Oct 30, 2014)

The witch couldn't get pregnant because her husband had a holloweenie.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 30, 2014)

TMI..................................tmi.


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## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2014)

Oh dear...


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## Wayne Little (Nov 7, 2014)

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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## Wurger (Nov 7, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 7, 2014)




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## razor1uk (Nov 7, 2014)

at6 said:


> The witch couldn't get pregnant because her husband had a holloweenie.


..is that a hal-low weenie, or a hollow weenie, ir i it a hollow weenie after he tries to..?


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## Wayne Little (Nov 8, 2014)

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"


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## javlin (Nov 8, 2014)

I wondered what happened Nov.4,2014

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## Wurger (Nov 8, 2014)




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## at6 (Nov 8, 2014)

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2014)




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## at6 (Nov 9, 2014)

javlin said:


> I wondered what happened Nov.4,2014


What the Republicans did to the Democrats this year.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 10, 2014)




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## javlin (Nov 10, 2014)

Makes me cry everytime....
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. 
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, ...


... And now I think I'm gonna get f*ked out of my peaches."

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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2014)




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## Wurger (Nov 10, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 11, 2014)

LMAO!


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## Crimea_River (Nov 11, 2014)

Cardiovascular Exercise


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. 
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. 
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! 

OK, Let's start. Scroll Down. 










































NOW SCROLL UP.. 
That's enough for the first day. Great job!
Have a glass of wine!

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## Wayne Little (Nov 12, 2014)

I'm exhausted now Andy....


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## Wurger (Nov 12, 2014)

Yep... now I'm about to get a heart attack. I hope the glass of wine will save my life.


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## gumbyk (Nov 12, 2014)

CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE!
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Countdown supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Pak and save. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to check them out(among other things), one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and twice yesterday. Im off to do some shopping shortly so i will inform you all if the scammers are still out there
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. The warehouse have cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each but Farmers wallets are $2.75 and look better!!

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 12, 2014)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 13, 2014)

Awesome. going to New Zealand!


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## Wurger (Nov 13, 2014)




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## v2 (Nov 13, 2014)

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, 

and memories came flooding back of the time 


I took my son out for his first drink.. 

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. 

I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it - so I drank it. 

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. 

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. 

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, 

I could hardly push the stroller back home...

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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2014)




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## Wurger (Nov 14, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 14, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 16, 2014)

Critical Thinking At Its Best!


Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: 

Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

Man: 

$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?

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## Wurger (Nov 17, 2014)




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## v2 (Nov 17, 2014)

What about such Security check?

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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2014)




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## A4K (Nov 17, 2014)

Don't know where she's going, but give me a ticket !!!!

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## Airframes (Nov 17, 2014)

I'll carry her bags, _and_ buy the tickets !

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## Wurger (Nov 17, 2014)

Too heavy Terry , you wouldn't manage to lift.

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## at6 (Nov 17, 2014)

I'd like to play Dr. and give her a full body exam. Sorry Gnomey, real medical exams don't count.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 18, 2014)




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## Wurger (Nov 18, 2014)




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## javlin (Nov 18, 2014)

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "take the dog for a nice walk."

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## Wayne Little (Nov 19, 2014)




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## Wurger (Nov 19, 2014)

No wonder...


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## A4K (Nov 19, 2014)

After checking the net to see who she is, agree with Wojtek's post!


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## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 20, 2014)

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. 

“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… 
It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.” 

“It’s my five year old son…” the man replied. 

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? 
My lad’s just the same – forget about it; 
it happens to boys that age,” 
said the bartender, sympathetically. 

“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, 
“ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our 
gorgeous 22 year old next door neighbour pregnant.” 

“Get away, that’s impossible!” 
gasped the bartender . 

“It’s not,” said the man. 
"The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms!!”

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## Wurger (Nov 21, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 21, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 22, 2014)



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## at6 (Nov 22, 2014)

That was worth my bacon for the day because it is so true.

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 22, 2014)

*Not a Joke ....*.

.... but you'll smile and laugh 


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK-T_t166TY_

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## Lucky13 (Nov 23, 2014)



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## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 24, 2014)

Love it!


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## Wurger (Nov 24, 2014)




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## Jeff Hunt (Nov 24, 2014)

A big fat ugly woman walks into a bar. After letting her eyes adjust to the darkness she spots an attractive male sitting alone at the bar. She sits down on the stool beside him and after a minute she asks him for his number. He turns to her and asks her if she has a pen to which she immediately responds that she does.

With that the fella says " well you had better get back to it before the farmer notices that you are gone".


Cheers,

Jeff

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## Wayne Little (Nov 25, 2014)




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## Wurger (Nov 25, 2014)




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## Airframes (Nov 25, 2014)

Sounds like a typical Hippocroccofrog in my town !!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 25, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 25, 2014)

*Problems on the Canadian Border
*
The Manitoba Herald:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party and the fact that Republicans won the Senate are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and Priuses, and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian presc ription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to h ave some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out to restore their self esteem," he said.

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 25, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 29, 2014)

....

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## Wurger (Nov 29, 2014)




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## at6 (Nov 29, 2014)

michaelmaltby said:


> ....


North Korean mile high club.


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## Gnomey (Nov 29, 2014)




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## pbehn (Nov 29, 2014)

michaelmaltby said:


> ....



Sadly he is too big to be sucked into his state of the art fighters intake but hey those young women are doing a great job keeping him pointed upwards.

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 29, 2014)

What a joke is right!


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## Wurger (Nov 30, 2014)

Just he is like the Terminator. If they push him a button he will go.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 1, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2014)




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## v2 (Dec 3, 2014)

...

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## Wurger (Dec 3, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Dec 3, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 4, 2014)




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## at6 (Dec 4, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 4, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 6, 2014)

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."


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## Wurger (Dec 6, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2014)




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## v2 (Dec 7, 2014)

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."


"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi.

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## Wayne Little (Dec 8, 2014)

Now that is a good one...


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 8, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 8, 2014)

Wayne Little said:


> Now that is a good one...



Yep, and an old one!


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## Njaco (Dec 10, 2014)

Another Famous American converts to Islam ...

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of "Our Gang" fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to:

Kareem of Wheat.

_I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!_

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## Gnomey (Dec 10, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2014)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 12, 2014)

Cheerio Chris!


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## Crimea_River (Dec 12, 2014)

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What's your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I'm late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”

“I'm a rectum stretcher” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what”?

“A rectum stretcher!”

“And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger in the rectum,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?” he asked

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge”

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## michaelmaltby (Dec 13, 2014)

Life Science ... this will help the yung 'uns


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc3LUCu8-IU_

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 13, 2014)

My God, I dwell in the Danger Zone - My life suddenly makes much more sense to me now!

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## Airframes (Dec 13, 2014)

We're doomed !


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## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2014)




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## gumbyk (Dec 14, 2014)

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. 
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. 
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. 
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." 
"This is incredible," said the first man. 
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" 
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. 
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." 
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" 
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 15, 2014)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 16, 2014)

*Gone Fishin'*

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."



Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him ashot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."



His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store

was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?



"The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".



The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."



The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"



The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".



The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"



The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."



The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"



The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.”

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## Wurger (Dec 16, 2014)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2014)



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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2014)




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## Wurger (Dec 16, 2014)




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## Elmas (Dec 20, 2014)




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## Wurger (Dec 20, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 20, 2014)




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## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 21, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 21, 2014)




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## Old Wizard (Dec 21, 2014)




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## javlin (Dec 24, 2014)

A Doctor was addressing a large audience...

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and
None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 85-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 24, 2014)

I should live forever then.


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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2014)




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## Wurger (Dec 25, 2014)




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## Airframes (Dec 25, 2014)

That's it, I've had it, I'm doomed ! 
Been nice knowing you guys ......


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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 26, 2014)

Getting married again are ya Terry?


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 26, 2014)

It certainly is one of the most expensive foods, you pay for it twice - at the beginning and the ending of a marriage!

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## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2014)

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an @sshole!

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## Wurger (Dec 29, 2014)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 29, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 31, 2014)

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?










A: Not enough sand.

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 31, 2014)

LMAO


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## Bucksnort101 (Dec 31, 2014)

You could substitute and/or add Politicians and most "reality" TV stars in that bed of sand as well as far as I'm concerned


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## Wurger (Dec 31, 2014)

At the beginning of a December Johnny sent a postcard to the Santa Claus....

_Dear Santa Claus, my parents are poor. Please give me a mountain bike and lego for Christmas_.

At the Post Office one of postal clerks read his postcard unintentionally. She became sad and showed Johnny's postcard to workmates. All of them decided to surprise him. They clubbed together and bought lego. The box was sent to Johnny.

Right after the Christmas time the same postal clerk found another Johnny's postcard....

_Dear Santa Claus, I thank you for the lego very much. The bike must have been stolen at the Post Office._

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 31, 2014)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 1, 2015)




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## Jeff Hunt (Jan 1, 2015)

Bucksnort101 said:


> You could substitute and/or add Politicians and most "reality" TV stars in that bed of sand as well as far as I'm concerned



Yep. The list of potential folks being buried is extensive.

Jeff


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## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 5, 2015)

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."


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## Wurger (Jan 5, 2015)

Looking out a window a Count is calling his servant ..

- John !

- Yes Sir ?

- Look !!! There was somebody who wrote , urinating on the snow, "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! to the Earl".

- That's me Sir ....

- But you can't write !!!???

- That's true Sir. But I have been heading up by the Countess.


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## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 5, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 5, 2015)

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandfather, not yelling and screaming like those people he was driving.

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## Crimea_River (Jan 5, 2015)

So, if Russia attacks Turkey from behind, do you think Greece will help?

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## Wayne Little (Jan 6, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jan 6, 2015)

Two blondes met together and one is saying ..

Do you know that the New Year's Eve is on the Friday this year?

Oh boy - said the second blonde - I wish it wouldn't be on the thirteenth !


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## Wurger (Jan 7, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 7, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jan 7, 2015)




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## Capt. Vick (Jan 7, 2015)

My 8 year old son told me this one told and I thought it was clever...

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody nose!

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## Wurger (Jan 8, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jan 9, 2015)




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## A4K (Jan 9, 2015)

Gotta love kid's jokes! This from my brother's oldest son:

-What did the pirates peg and hook cost him?
-An arm and a leg 

And some we told as kids:

-Mummy. mummy! Why are we pushing the caravan off a cliff?
-Shhhhh! You'll wake your father up!

-Mummy, mummy! I hate grandma's guts!
-Just leave them on the side of the plate then, and eat your vegetables.

-Doctor, doctor! I feel like a bridge!
-What's come over you?
-12 cars, 2 buses, 4 bikes....

-What type of car does Tarzan drive?
-A Mazda tree to tree

-How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbuild?
-Two. But they have to be very small...

Most were worse than these, these are some of the printable ones


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## Airframes (Jan 9, 2015)

Yer coat's on the peg over there Evan !

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## A4K (Jan 9, 2015)

...Right next to my Aussie hat!


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 9, 2015)

I laughed.


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## javlin (Jan 10, 2015)

>> A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
>>
>> The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
>>
>> The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
>>
>> Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

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## pbehn (Jan 10, 2015)

javlin said:


> >> A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
> >>
> >> The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
> >>
> ...


Lmao

Je suis Charlie!

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 10, 2015)




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## javlin (Jan 11, 2015)

A MARINE SHORT STORY

Our Skipper was fearless. His name was Mike Gehring. Our General gave a collective “Ass Chewing” to all. In fact he went on so long; his audience was getting pissed, instead of getting the “Message”. Lots of groans and sniffs about.

Finally the General concluded with, *“Is there anyone out there who doesn’t understand what I said or has any questions?”*

Total silence. Then I see Skipper Gehring’s right arm starting to ascend! Nuts!

The General saw it and said, *“State your name and question.”*

Mike didn't miss a beat, *“Lt Col. Mike Gehring Sir. I’m sick of all the preferential treatment the helicopter pilots are getting around here. Something needs to be done about it.”*

The General, along with all the others present were stunned!

Finally the General came back with, *“What the hell are you talking about? “*

Mike again, never skipped a beat. He said, *“General, YOU might not have noticed, but believe me, the rest of us do. Anywhere we go on base, every prime parking spot is reserved for helicopter pilots! The Club, the Exchange, the Dispensary, even the Wing Headquarters! The best, closest parking spot is always reserved for the helo drivers! You have to have seen them General. They’re clearly marked “Handicapped!”*

For about five seconds there was total silence, and then total pandemonium! Cheers, jeers and catcalls, all over... as the theater emptied.

The General never said another word

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## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 11, 2015)

LMAO!!!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Jan 17, 2015)



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## Night Fighter Nut (Jan 17, 2015)

Two engineering students were walking across campus when a fellow engineer student rode up to them on a motor bike. They inquired when he got his new motor bike. He responded that while walking along, a beautiful girl rode up to him on the motor bike, removed her clothes, and told him to take what he wanted.

They told him, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit."


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## Wurger (Jan 18, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 18, 2015)

LMAO!


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## A4K (Jan 18, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 19, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2015)

Adolf's party ???? .... the pic source: the net.

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## Crimea_River (Jan 19, 2015)

Have our nudity standards been relaxed? Not that I mind, just that I've had stuff removed.......


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 19, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jan 20, 2015)

Crimea_River said:


> Have our nudity standards been relaxed? Not that I mind, just that I've had stuff removed.......



OK.... censored.


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## javlin (Jan 20, 2015)

Crimea_River said:


> Have our nudity standards been relaxed? Not that I mind, just that I've had stuff removed.......



OK Andy thanks ALLOTTT I was really hoping to look at some 80yr ole breast today and see if ole Histler had good taste or not


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## Crimea_River (Jan 20, 2015)

Wurger said:


> OK.... censored.



Gee, thanks. I was so offended!!!!


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## Wurger (Jan 20, 2015)

Because of the guy with the glass in hand, of course.


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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2015)




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## A4K (Jan 21, 2015)

Damn, I was late in seeing the pic by the sounds..!!!


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## Crimea_River (Jan 21, 2015)

Nothing you haven't seen before Evan.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 22, 2015)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

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## javlin (Jan 22, 2015)

Subject: Why some gun laws are bad
‎

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 with a 7-round magazine plus one in the chamber and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

Just another example of why you need to own high-capacity firearms.

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## Wurger (Jan 22, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jan 22, 2015)

A lawyer with a very swollen penis is coming to a doctor.

- What happened ? ... asked the medic.
- It has been a woman of course but not a vacuum cleaner. And we will stick to this version ... answered the jurist.


In a court of law:

- Has the defendant given narcotics to the witness?
- No, I haven't.
- And has your wife given?
- Are we still talking about drugs?


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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 24, 2015)




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## javlin (Jan 26, 2015)

might bring a smile to the face 

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man
who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like
spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must
beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not
find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to
conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs
behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run
for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who
is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at
night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to
fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get
there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who
live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who
fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID
SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger
Wood!"

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## Wayne Little (Jan 27, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jan 27, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jan 27, 2015)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jan 28, 2015)



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## Wurger (Jan 28, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 28, 2015)

I like that one Jan!


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 29, 2015)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jan 29, 2015)



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## Wurger (Jan 29, 2015)

Is the guy at the top the driver?


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## Shortround6 (Jan 29, 2015)

one town.......one truck.


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## Gnomey (Jan 29, 2015)




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## Shinpachi (Jan 29, 2015)

Looks approx 100 passengers with luggage.
It's an art!

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## Wurger (Jan 30, 2015)

In a court of law a witness is questioning ...

- Why do you think the defendant has been drunken?

- Because he has been yelling he wasn't afraid of his wife.



A judge is talking to a defendant ...

- It is a shame. How could you thieve the bike that was leaned against the graveyard wall?

- That is what misled me, Your Honour! I thought the owner wouldn't need the bike any longer.


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## Lucky13 (Jan 30, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 31, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 3, 2015)

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 3, 2015)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXuc7SAyk2s_

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## Jeff Hunt (Feb 3, 2015)

Lucky13 said:


>




Looks like every charter airline I have ever flown on, limited leg room and everyone thinks every bag is a carryon. 

Cheers,

jeff

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## Gnomey (Feb 3, 2015)




----------



## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2015)



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## Gnomey (Feb 15, 2015)




----------



## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2015)



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## gumbyk (Feb 15, 2015)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 15, 2015)

LMAO BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 16, 2015)

excellent!


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## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2015)




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## Bucksnort101 (Feb 17, 2015)

gumbyk said:


> View attachment 285007



She may not have been impressed, but I bet you by the end of the evening she was feeling much smarter due to natural brain cell selection
*NORM!!!*

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## Wurger (Feb 17, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 18, 2015)




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## javlin (Feb 19, 2015)

> > A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY
> > TO CHICAGO WHEN A BLONDE IN
> > ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO
> > THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
> >
> > THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO
> SEE HER TICKET.
> >
> > SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE
> > PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO
> > SIT IN THE BACK.
> >
> > THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE,
> > I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND
> > I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> >
> > THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE
> > COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT
> > THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
> > BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
> > ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
> > THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES
> > TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
> >
> > SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
> >
> > THE BLONDE
> > REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
> > I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
> >
> > THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY
> SHOULD HAVE THE
> > POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS
> BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
> >
> > THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A
> > BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS I'M MARRIED TO A
> > BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
> >
> > HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND
> > WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,
> > I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
> > BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
> >
> > THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
> ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
> >
> > "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO".

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 19, 2015)




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## A4K (Feb 19, 2015)




----------



## Wurger (Feb 20, 2015)




----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 20, 2015)

"I speak blonde". LMAO.


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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2015)




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## Wurger (Feb 23, 2015)

Why roos go to a toilet in pairs ?

Because by twos is always briskly.


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## michaelmaltby (Feb 24, 2015)

Moscow, February 23, '15 --- Military Day Parade

"to be personally delivered to Obama"


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2015)

Is it a new kind of suppository?

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## Wurger (Feb 25, 2015)

Yep.. it looks like.


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## Crimea_River (Feb 25, 2015)

They're designing a different looking one for Hillary.....

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## Wayne Little (Feb 26, 2015)

Crimea_River said:


> They're designing a different looking one for Hillary.....



Do tell.....


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## Wurger (Feb 26, 2015)

Crimea_River said:


> They're designing a different looking one for Hillary.....



Are they going to make the one with more blunt tip or of a wider diameter?


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## v2 (Feb 26, 2015)

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to
walk all the way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus
home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other
keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?
Have ye not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the
roundabout.


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## Wurger (Feb 26, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Feb 26, 2015)




----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 27, 2015)



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## Wurger (Feb 27, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 28, 2015)




----------



## Lucky13 (Mar 1, 2015)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Mar 1, 2015)

Keystone Cops

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## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2015)

Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?" 
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

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## Wurger (Mar 2, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 3, 2015)

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 3, 2015)

Useful idiots


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## Wayne Little (Mar 4, 2015)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Mar 4, 2015)

Brilliant


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cmac71R5Br8_

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## Gnomey (Mar 4, 2015)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 4, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 5, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 6, 2015)

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 6, 2015)

Good point Wayne.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 7, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2015)

Fair point.


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## Lucky13 (Mar 7, 2015)

Wayne Little said:


> Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.



....and you know this, _because?_


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## Wayne Little (Mar 8, 2015)

Lucky13 said:


> ....and you know this, _because?_



 because, a little muppet told me....


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## michaelmaltby (Mar 8, 2015)

"......and you know this, because?"



A friend of mine's mother who grew up in WW2 Prague described how the paper _streetcar_ transfers were used: "fold them in half and tear a little semi circle in the folded edge and keep. one side transfer UP, one side DOWN, and the reserved circle to clean your finger nail."


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## javlin (Mar 11, 2015)

One Man's Perfect Day 
6:00 Alarm
6:30 Massive, satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot.
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Couple of ice-cold beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet - finest Scotch served in Baccarat crystal sniffer from green-eyed redhead with huge tits
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch -steak and lobster, couple of ice-cold beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:20 Breaking News: Jesse Jackson discovered to be on Malaysia flight 370
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
2:40 News Flash: Nancy Pelosi's plane shot down over Syria, apprehended by Isis
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 ****, shower and shave
6:55 News Flash: Harry Reid Announced as America's 3rd Ebola victim
7:00 Watch news - Al Sharpton assassinated
7:30 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:40 News Flash: Eric Holder and entourage missing after speaking engagement in Jackson, Mississippi
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ice-cold beer
11:30 Night-cap -
11:35 Obama resigns
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep...can't wait for tomorrow.

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 11, 2015)

...

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## Wurger (Mar 11, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 12, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2015)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Mar 13, 2015)

..

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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2015)

16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn't they go in?

The sign said 18+


----------



## Wurger (Mar 14, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 15, 2015)

What's the difference between a UFO and a smart blonde? 

There's been sightings of a UFO....

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 17, 2015)

*Irish Diabetic*

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist “Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief!" says Paddy. "The doctor wanted my urine tested for sugar."


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## Wurger (Mar 17, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 17, 2015)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Mar 17, 2015)




----------



## at6 (Mar 17, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 18, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 24, 2015)

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

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## Gnomey (Mar 24, 2015)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 24, 2015)




----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 24, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2015)

Q What’s the height of optimism?



A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

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## pbehn (Mar 25, 2015)

Wayne Little said:


> Q What’s the height of optimism?
> 
> 
> 
> A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.


Ha Ha

Good luck in the Semifinal, it has got to be the baggy greens versus the black caps in the final. The first semifinal was one of the best games I have seen in any sport.


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## michaelmaltby (Mar 26, 2015)

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good
news and, I have some bad news....
The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first?
The lawyer says: Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2-3 million".
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done... very good news
indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news??"


The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary".

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## Wurger (Mar 26, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2015)




----------



## javlin (Mar 26, 2015)

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's dog, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter.

Bill climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.


He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.

Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.


"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the

Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."


They walked over to the splattered remains of Sunny.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.


The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Maybe there's something else you'd like?"


Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.


"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.

"But I`m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo.


"You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"


The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,

"Damn, let's have another look at that dog!"

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 27, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2015)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 28, 2015)

In the New York, the NYPD patrol found a dismembered body of a lawyer who was notorious for working as the Mafia attorney. The foresenic group came and all started looking for evidences. The leading detective was standing near a scrapheap where the lawyer's mortal remains were found. A pathologist approached him.
What do you think ? .... asked the investigator.
What a brutal suicide .... answered the doctor.


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 29, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2015)

Q.. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?

A.. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.


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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2015)




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## rochie (Mar 31, 2015)

Wayne Little said:


> Q.. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
> 
> A.. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.



Hey !


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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2015)

Q.. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

A.. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.


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## Wurger (Apr 1, 2015)




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## Airframes (Apr 1, 2015)

I think Wayne is having a dig .................


----------



## rochie (Apr 1, 2015)

Airframes said:


> I think Wayne is having a dig .................



You know what I think he is.............bastard !

I would say at least we're good at football but we're shite at that too !


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## Airframes (Apr 1, 2015)

Ah, but the Wigan Ladies Formation Flower Arranging Team still beat all comers !


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## Gnomey (Apr 2, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 3, 2015)

Airframes said:


> I think Wayne is having a dig .................





rochie said:


> You know what I think he is.............bastard !
> 
> I would say at least we're good at football but we're shite at that too !



Ok, Ok...

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger! Then it hit me.

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## Airframes (Apr 3, 2015)

He's at it again !
About time we switched off the magnet Karl, then all those Aussies will fall off the planet !


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## rochie (Apr 3, 2015)

Airframes said:


> He's at it again !
> About time we switched off the magnet Karl, then all those Aussies will fall off the planet !



True mate.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2015)

Aw...man....

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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## Old Wizard (Apr 4, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Apr 4, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 5, 2015)

Wayne Little said:


> Aw...man....
> 
> This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
> The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
> ...




"And that's when the fight started."


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## Airframes (Apr 5, 2015)

Yeah, fights always start over little things ....................... I've got me coat !

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## Wayne Little (Apr 6, 2015)

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.....

I gave him a glass of water.

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## Lucky13 (Apr 6, 2015)

What happens when the Easter Bunny wears a hat?

You have a covered hopper....ba-da-boom!


----------



## Gnomey (Apr 6, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 7, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 9, 2015)

*A SHORT LOVE STORY*

A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
Room on a Trans-continental train. 
Sharing a room, they were both very tired and
Fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
And she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
The woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
But would you be willing to reach into the closet 
To get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, 
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"'Good", she replied "Get your own f….ing blanket."
After a moment of silence,
He farted.

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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Apr 10, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 13, 2015)

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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## Wurger (Apr 13, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Apr 13, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2015)

What's a mixed feeling? 

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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## Wurger (Apr 14, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 15, 2015)

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


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## Wurger (Apr 15, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 16, 2015)

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty [email protected]

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## A4K (Apr 16, 2015)




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## Airframes (Apr 16, 2015)

Wayne's got a surplus of Christmas Crackers I see .......................


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## Wayne Little (Apr 17, 2015)

Yep!


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## Wurger (Apr 17, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 19, 2015)

*On beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 
*
two Italian men and one Italian woman

two French men and one French woman

two German men and one German woman

two Greek men and one Greek woman 

two English men and one English woman

two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

two Chinese men and one Chinese woman 

two American men and one American woman

two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. 

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. 

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/ restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. 

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

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## vikingBerserker (Apr 19, 2015)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 20, 2015)




----------



## Crimea_River (Apr 20, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2015)

Oooops!


----------



## michaelmaltby (Apr 21, 2015)

*LOST IN A HOT AIR BALLOON. . .* 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's_ my_ fault."

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## Old Wizard (Apr 22, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 22, 2015)




----------



## Wurger (Apr 22, 2015)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Apr 22, 2015)

A-Fricken-Men!


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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 23, 2015)

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


----------



## Wurger (Apr 23, 2015)

What is the name of a net browser used by terrorists ? - the Internet Exploder.


----------



## Bucksnort101 (Apr 23, 2015)

Wurger said:


> What is the name of a net browser used by terrorists ? - the Internet Exploder.



And with that I think we should all make him get his coat and leave the vicinity!!!

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## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 24, 2015)




----------



## Wurger (Apr 25, 2015)

The Scots dilemma ...

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## Wayne Little (Apr 25, 2015)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 25, 2015)

LMAO!


----------



## at6 (Apr 25, 2015)

Poor Lucky.


----------



## Wurger (Apr 25, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2015)

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


----------



## Wurger (Apr 26, 2015)

You are very lucky that this is a female but not male.


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## Elmas (Apr 26, 2015)

FRIEND: it is so called the male person in possession of that "certain something" that erases any ambition to go to bed with him.
FRIEND: it is so called the female person in possession of that "certain something" that makes you a crazy desire to go to bed with her.


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## Wurger (Apr 26, 2015)




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## Elmas (Apr 26, 2015)

On the door of a Catholic Church:
_“Theme of catechesis today: "Jesus walks on the Water."
Tomorrow: "Looking for Jesus "_

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## Elmas (Apr 26, 2015)

Today I woke up very early, I dress slowly, prepared coffee, took my golf clubs and I went to the garage. I put my clubs in the car and I pulled the car out of the garage under a torrential rain.
The road was completely flooded and the cold wind was blowing at 100 kph.
I came back with the car, turned on the radio and heard that the forecast said that the weather would last all day.
What a disappointment!
I came back home and quietly slipped into bed again.
I approached my wife and putting a hand on her buttock, I whispered:
"The weather outside is horrible"
She sleepily answered:
"Yes I know. That dumbass of my husband just went to play golf with this weather!"

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## Gnomey (Apr 26, 2015)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 26, 2015)

Bacon!!


----------



## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2015)




----------



## Crimea_River (Apr 27, 2015)

He he.


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 28, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 29, 2015)

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

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## Wurger (Apr 29, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2015)




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## javlin (Apr 29, 2015)

My Mommy The Dancer..., a real tear jerking story…

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did
for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman,
saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an
exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men
and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really
good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your mother?"

No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is
helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 30, 2015)

LMAO!


----------



## Gnomey (May 1, 2015)




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## Elmas (May 2, 2015)

A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he will not change.
A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change, but she will change

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## Wurger (May 3, 2015)




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## javlin (May 3, 2015)

Web
Mail



Kevin Morgan






Mail 

Address Book 

Calendar 

Tasks 

Preferences 









Walt Kuster
[email protected]

1 conversation moved to TrashUndo



Sorted by Date	

12 conversations
[Fwd: FW: Splinters in her crotch.........]1 message
From:	Jim Day
To:	Charlie Burkes Don Ball Donald Bradley Eileen . Frankie Odom George Foley Joe Mack O'Neal Joe Pecjak Kevin Pete Driggers
Apr 29
untitled-[2] (9.4 KB) Download | Remove

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Apr 29, 2015 at 3:30 PM
Subject: [Fwd: FW: Splinters in her crotch.........]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]


---------------------------------









​This is really cute.​



Splinters in her crotch......this is clean/funny!


A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and
an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There
was a large tree on one
of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.


As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her haste
to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER
to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters.The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then
told her to

go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you
so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove

old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment
facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.”

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## Elmas (May 3, 2015)

Last weekend we were discussing about beer with some friends and one of us said that beer contains a large amount of female hormones.

We started to pull his leg a bit but after a while he convinced us to verify.

So we drunk about twenty pints apiece, but exclusively for scientific and research, of course, and the results of this verification were amazing.

In fact, at the end of the twenty laps, it happened that:

- We talked a lot to say nothing

- We had quite a difficulty driving the car

- It was impossible to make even the smallest and simplest reasoning

- We refused to admit what was wrong or right even though the evidence was clearly shown

- Everyone was convinced of being the center of the universe

- We had a headache and no desire to have sex

- We were emotionally very unstable

- We held hands in hands

- To top it all, we had a piss every five minutes and, that's more, all together

So we believed that was useless to push beyond this experience.

We confirm that beer contains female hormones.

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## Crimea_River (May 3, 2015)




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## Gnomey (May 3, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 4, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 5, 2015)

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

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## Gnomey (May 5, 2015)




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## Wurger (May 6, 2015)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 6, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2015)

Absolutely right Jan....Women don't know what they are talking about!


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## Elmas (May 7, 2015)

Dear Mum,
I am very sorry but to have to say that I left with my new boyfriend.
I have found true love! You should see him, he is so nice with
all his tattoos, piercings and his big fast bike.
But that’s not everything, Mom: I'm finally pregnant and Abdul says
we'll be fine with the baby in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children, and this is also my dream.
For a living, since we found out that marijuana does not hurt,
we will cultivate it in the woods for us and our friends, so that they will have something to smoke when in short supply of cocaine and ecstasy.
Meanwhile I hope that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Abdul can feel a bit better!
Do not worry Mom, I’m already 15 years old and I can take care of myself.
I hope to visit you soon so you'll be able to know your grandchildren.
Your beloved child
Mary

P.S. all balls, Mom! I’m at the neighbors now.
I just wanted to tell you that there are worse things in life than the report card
I left on the kitchen table!

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## Gnomey (May 7, 2015)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 9, 2015)




----------



## GrauGeist (May 9, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (May 9, 2015)

good one!


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## Lucky13 (May 9, 2015)




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## Gnomey (May 9, 2015)




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## Elmas (May 10, 2015)

A blonde goes into the Gucci store and pays with a banknote of 500 € but the cashier: "Madam, I’m sorry, but this note is false." The blonde, very angry: "Dirty bastard! I’ve been raped!"

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## Elmas (May 10, 2015)

Customer: "I can't connect to the Internet, there’s an error.”
Technical assistance: "Are you sure you’re using the correct password?”
Customer: "Yes, quite sure, I saw my husband writing it."
Technical assistance: "Can you tell me what the password was?”
Customer: "5 asterisks”.

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## Elmas (May 10, 2015)

BEER vs *****:

Let’s see the results of this epic match:

A beer is always wet. The ***** must be encouraged.
1 point for beer.

A beer sucks if served hot.
1 point for *****.

A cold beer is always satisfying.
1 point for beer.

If you find a hair in a glass when drinking a beer, you may
want to vomit.
1 point for *****.

If you come home with a smell of beer, your wife will scold you.
If you come home with a smell of *****, your wife might leave you.
* Score equal (depending by point of view)

Ten beers in one night and you can not drive anymore.
Ten chicks in a night and there is no need to drive.
1 point for *****.

If you drink a beer in a crowded room it is normal.
If you do a chick in a crowded room, you become a myth.
1 point for *****.

If a cop feels a smell of beer on you, he might send you in jail.
If a cop smells ***** on you, he could buy you a beer.
1 point for *****.

The beer, the more seasoned, the better.
1 point for beer.

If you take a beer with a condom worn, you do not feel any
difference in taste.
1 point for beer.

A lot of beer and you see UFOs.
A lot of ***** and you can see God.
1 point for *****.

If you're always wondering how the next ***** will be you're normal. 
If you're always wondering how the next beer will be, you're drunk.
1 point for *****.

Tear off the label from a bottle of beer is fun.
Tear off the panties of a chick is MUCH more fun.
1 point for *****.

The state tax beer.
1 point for *****.

If you drink one more beer, the first one is not pissed off.
1 point for beer.

You're always sure to be the first to "open" a beer.
1 point for beer.

If you shake a beer, after a while she calms down by herself.
1 point for beer.

Blond, red, brown or black, any time you can choose
the beer you want.
1 point for beer.

A beer, you know exactly to the penny how much it will
cost.
1 point for beer.


FINAL SCORE: BEER vs ***** 9-9

If you are a woman and right now you're pissed

consider that a beer would have not broken the balls for having been put on

the same level as chick, so bonus point for the beer. 

The beer wins the match !!!!!!!

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## Wayne Little (May 10, 2015)




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## Gnomey (May 11, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (May 12, 2015)

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion.

A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

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## Wurger (May 12, 2015)




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## javlin (May 12, 2015)

Before going duck shooting Chester says to his mate Earl,
"I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out on the pond.
If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting"
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks
twice.

Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out
there".

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out
there! Where did you get that dog?"

Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
want one, you can get one from him". So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog
like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its
mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did.

So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started
humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk..
He was trying to tell you there are more fxxking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".

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## Wurger (May 13, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 13, 2015)




----------



## michaelmaltby (May 13, 2015)

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting on his coat and hat to go down to the local pub. He turned to his wife and said “Maggie, put your coat and hat on lassie.” 

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are you taking me to the pub? “ 

"Nay" Jock replied, "I'm turning the heat off while I'm out."

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## Gnomey (May 13, 2015)




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## Night Fighter Nut (May 13, 2015)

A timid man had gone in to see a nurse for help with a personal problem. He asked that she please not laugh as everyone else he had shown his problem to has. She comforted him by saying that she was a professional with over twenty years experience and that she would not laugh. So he drops his drawers to show her his personal problem and she let out a snicker. His private was approximately the shape and size of a AAA battery. She then apologized profusely saying that she would not do that again. She then asked him what the problem was. He replied it was swollen and the nurse hurried out of the room.


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## Wurger (May 13, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 14, 2015)




----------



## vikingBerserker (May 15, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (May 15, 2015)




----------



## fubar57 (May 15, 2015)

Geo

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## vikingBerserker (May 15, 2015)




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## Elmas (May 16, 2015)

There is a Magician so good that when he enters the hall he hypnotizes instantly the audience. He has only to say: "Laugh" and everyone starts laughing madly. It has only to say: "Weep" and everyone starts to cry. The only problem was that once, entering the scene, he stumbled into the microphone wire sayng “Ohh, ****!”

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 16, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (May 17, 2015)




----------



## Wurger (May 18, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 21, 2015)

Q: How do they say "f*** you" in Los Angeles? 


A: Trust me.

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## Wurger (May 21, 2015)




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## Gnomey (May 21, 2015)




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## Elmas (May 24, 2015)

Chemical element: Woman
Symbol: Wn
Discoverer: Adam
Date of discovery: unknown
Atomic Mass: accepted about 53.6 Kg, but can range from 40 to 200 Kg.
Occurrences: it is found in abundance in all temperate areas.

Physical Properties:
a) The surface is usually covered with a colored film
b) It gets very hot at times but becomes icy with no known reason
c) it gets dissolved if subjected to particular attentions
d) It becomes bitter if not used properly
e) It is found spontaneously in various states, from a completely pure state or as raw material
f) it becomes malleable when pressure is applied in the right places

Chemical Properties:
a) Tightens very strong bonds with Gold, Silver and a wide range of precious stones
b) it absorbs a large amount of expensive substances
c) May explode spontaneously without reason or prior notice
d) Although insoluble in liquid, activity increases considerably if saturated with alcohol
e) It has a great power-reducing currency

Common uses:
a) Used much like ornamental, especially in sports cars
b) It can be, sometimes but not always, of great help to relax

Spectrographic test:
a) They can be found in nature with a color ranging from pink to pale yellow to dark brown

Potential hazards: 
a) It can be harmful, except in experienced hands
b) It is illegal to own more than one copy; with great difficulty and unofficially, it is possible to own more than one, provided that they are in different places and that they cannot come into contact between them.

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## Wurger (May 24, 2015)




----------



## Gnomey (May 24, 2015)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 25, 2015)

yep!


----------



## Elmas (May 29, 2015)

Marketing course

*A - For women*:

1) You are at a party and see a very fascinating man. You approach
him and say: "I'm a phenomenon in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

2) You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very
fascinating man. One of your friends goes to him and says, "That woman there is a phenomenon in bed. "
This is Advertising.

3) You are at a party and see a very fascinating man. You ask
his mobile number.
The next day you call and tell him: "I’m a phenomenon in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

4) You are at a party and see a very fascinating man. You recognize it. You
approach him, refresh his memory and tell him: "Do you remember how 
good I am in bed? "
This is Customer Relationship Management.

5) You are at a party and see a very fascinating man. You get up, trim your clothes, walk up to him and offer him a glass. You tell him how
its fragrance is good, you compliment him for his suit and his tie, you
offer him a cigarette and say: "I'm a phenomenon in bed."
This is Public Relations.

6) You are at a party and see a very fascinating man. You approach
him and say: "I'm a phenomenon in bed.", and more, you show a
tit.
This is Merchandising.

7) You are at a party and see a very fascinating man. You approach you and
He says, "I’ve heard you are a phenomenon in bed."
This is Branding, Brand power.

Marketing course

*For men*:

1) You are at a party and see a beautiful babe. You walk up to her and
say: "I'm a phenomenon in bed and I can resist all night without stopping ..."

This is false advertising, and is punishable by law!.

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## Wurger (May 29, 2015)




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## Elmas (May 29, 2015)

I was happy!
My girlfriend and me were engaged from a year now, and finally
we had decided to get married.
Her parents helped us in every way, friends encouraged us,
and my girlfriend? Well, she was a dream!
There was only one thing that worried me, and I was very concerned: his
younger sister. My future sister in law had twenty years, wore miniskirts and
tight T-shirts, and at every opportunity he bent when he was in front of me,
showing her panties. It was definitely on purpose, did not happen ever
before others. One day little sister called me and asked me to come by
her to help her to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived. She whispered that soon I would be married, that
she felt for me the strong feelings and a desire to which she could not resist. She told me that she wanted to make love with me at least one time before I married and bond forever my life to her sister.
I was totally shocked, I could not utter a word.
She said, I'm going upstairs in my bedroom,
if you feel like me, come up and I will be yours!
I was astonished. I was frozen with astonishment, as I saw her go up
slowly up the stairs. When she reached the top floor, she turned, took off
her panties and threw them against me. I stood there for a moment, then I took my
decision: I hurriedly turned and walked toward the front door, I opened it and left the
house pointing straight to my car!
My future father was there waiting for me. With tears in his eyes,
hugged me strongly and said: We are delighted that you have passed our
small test! We could not hope for a better husband
for our daughter. Welcome to our family!

The moral of this story?
Always keep condoms in the car.

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## Wurger (May 29, 2015)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (May 30, 2015)

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.

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## Gnomey (May 31, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 1, 2015)

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? 


To see what was on the other side of course!


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## vikingBerserker (Jun 1, 2015)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 4, 2015)

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? 

Because it said 'concentrate'.


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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2015)

No Blondes complaining yet?


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## Wurger (Jun 5, 2015)

It may be a lack of concentration... methinks.

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## Elmas (Jun 7, 2015)

Deleted


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## Wurger (Jun 7, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 7, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 7, 2015)

I'm sorry but that's sick.

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## Wurger (Jun 8, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2015)

Cracking aerodynamics!


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## Wurger (Jun 8, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 8, 2015)

Would love to see the landing


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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2015)

Will be some landing alright...


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## Wayne Little (Jun 12, 2015)

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."


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## Wurger (Jun 12, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 12, 2015)

Q: What is the difference in sounds between a game of golf and sky diving?

A: In golf, you hear WHACK....."F!ck!". In skydiving, you hear "F!ck!"......WHACK.


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## Wurger (Jun 12, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2015)




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## A4K (Jun 14, 2015)

Guys... 

In same vein as Andy's:

What is the difference between goats and fish?

Fish Muck around in Fountains, goats F*** around in Mountains...


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## Wurger (Jun 14, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 14, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 14, 2015)

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.

Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read... 

"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal"Mick look at these prices!

We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. 

I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each
and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each.

And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."


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## v2 (Jun 15, 2015)

terrible joke...

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 15, 2015)

Planning ahead for the day when I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month!

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## pbehn (Jun 15, 2015)

michaelmaltby said:


> Planning ahead for the day when I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
> I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
> The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
> I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month!



Loose talk about a distant relative buried in the garden is a great way to avoid back ache from digging in the spring.


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## gumbyk (Jun 15, 2015)

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"


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## Crimea_River (Jun 15, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jun 16, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jun 16, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 17, 2015)




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## Glider (Jun 17, 2015)

My wife is keen on ancestry and gets a magazine called the Midland Ancestor. Every so often they include examples of documents that people have found. The following is a will from 1947

To my wife I leave her lover and the knowledge that I wasn't the fool she thought I was.
To my son I leave the pleasure of earning a living. For 25 years he thought the pleasure was mine. He was mistaken 
To my daughter I leave $100,000. She will need it. The only piece of business her husband has ever done was marrying her.
To my Valet I leave the clothes that he has been stealing from me over the last ten years. Also the fur coat he wore last winter when I was in Palm Beach
To my chauffer, I leave my cars. He has almost ruined them and I want him to have the satisfaction of finishing the job
To my business partner, I leave the suggestion that he takes some clever young man in with him at once, if he expects to make any more money. 

This I admit, does sound a bit false but I do hope its true. The Lawyer would have loved to read it out to people around a table


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## Wurger (Jun 17, 2015)




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## GrauGeist (Jun 17, 2015)

I'm not a fan of Guiness beer...however:

Four leaders of beer companies meet for a drink.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud then Miller's president orders a MGD and the president of Coors orders a Coors light. The president of Guiness, when it was his turn, orders a soda.

The others looked at each other and then asked Guiness' president why he ordered a soda.

"If you guys aren't having a beer, neither will I"


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## Gnomey (Jun 18, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jun 18, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 18, 2015)

Good one!


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## Wurger (Jun 19, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2015)

That is one mad *****...


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## Wayne Little (Jun 20, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 23, 2015)

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.


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## Gnomey (Jun 24, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jun 24, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 24, 2015)

*Knowing your environment .... facts*

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is.0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one
doctor.This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a
doctor as by a gun owner!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at large,We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!


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## michaelmaltby (Jun 24, 2015)

*No Sex Tonight
*
I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For exampleâ€¦One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said letâ€™s get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping
needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either!

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## Wurger (Jun 24, 2015)




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## Shortround6 (Jun 24, 2015)




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## v2 (Jun 26, 2015)

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.
I don't know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.
You'll let it out some day, the man insisted.
I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.


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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2015)




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## v2 (Jun 26, 2015)

Another one:

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

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## Wurger (Jun 26, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 26, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jun 28, 2015)



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## imalko (Jun 28, 2015)



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## Wurger (Jun 28, 2015)




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## at6 (Jun 28, 2015)

My wife went missing for a week and when I reported it, the officer said to prepare for the worst, so I had to get her clothes back from Goodwill.

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## Wurger (Jun 29, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2015)

good one!


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## Gnomey (Jun 30, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 30, 2015)

What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with the light on!

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## javlin (Jun 30, 2015)

> Read quietly then send it back on its journey
>
> To realize
> The value of a sister/brother
> Ask someone
> Who doesn't have one.
>
> To realize
> The value of ten years:
> Ask a newly
> Divorced couple.
>
> To realize
> The value of four years:
> Ask a graduate.
>
> To realize
> The value of one year:
> Ask a student who
> Has failed a final exam.
>
> To realize
> The value of nine months:
> Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
>
> To realize
> The value of one month:
> Ask a mother
> Who has given birth to
> A premature baby.
>
> To realize
> The value of one week:
> Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
>
> To realize
> The value of one minute:
> Ask a person
> Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
>
> To realize
> The value of one second:
> Ask a person
> Who has survived an accident.
>
> Time waits for no one.
>
> Treasure every moment you have.
>
> You will treasure it even more when
> You can share it with someone special.
>
> To realize the value of a friend or family member:
>
> LOSE ONE.
>
> The origin of this letter is unknown,
> But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.
>
> Remember....
>
> Hold on tight to the ones you love!
>

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## Wayne Little (Jul 1, 2015)




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## javlin (Jul 1, 2015)

A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins,
not to discuss your community service."

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## Wurger (Jul 1, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 1, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 3, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jul 5, 2015)

What would you get if you interbred a cow with a turtle?

A calf in a helmet.


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## michaelmaltby (Jul 5, 2015)

*Greek fix*

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs,
the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything........No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And_ that_, is how the bailout package works.

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## pbehn (Jul 5, 2015)

michaelmaltby said:


> *Greek fix*
> 
> It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
> Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
> ...


Would that it were. European socialists believe that a governments term of office is like a game of monopoly, when you get a new government you put the money back in the bank roll the dice and start again.


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## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jul 6, 2015)




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## javlin (Jul 6, 2015)

Only if life was that easy!!


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## at6 (Jul 9, 2015)

What is this, the third time the Greeks have cried for a bailout? Every time they get one, creditors take it up the poo hole and now the Greeks don't plan to use a lubricant or a condom.


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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jul 11, 2015)




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## at6 (Jul 11, 2015)

I kept getting an image of this pulling a wooden horse, so I had to stop reading the Illiad by Homer.


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## Gnomey (Jul 12, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2015)




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## at6 (Jul 17, 2015)

You might want to carry one of these at all times. If you run into a woman's opinion you can pick it up and dispose of it properly, or more of these in case you run into multiple female opinions. You wouldn't want one to stick to the bottom of your shoe or squish between your toes.


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## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 18, 2015)

I've had this poster for almost 30 years and it hangs above my toolbox at the shop where I work. Under the mule's head it reads E Pluribus Smart Assimus.

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## Wayne Little (Jul 18, 2015)




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## javlin (Jul 18, 2015)

From a cassette tape making its rounds in Vietnam back in the day:
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MEANS"
Correspondent: Captain, what is your opinion of the F-4C Phantom?
Captain: It's so ****in' maneuverable you can fly up your own ass with it.
PAO: What the Captain means is that he has found the F-4C Phantom highly maneuverable at all altitudes, and he considers it an excellent aircraft for all missions assigned.
Correspondent: I suppose, Captain, that you've flown a certain number of missions over North Vietnam. What do you think of the SAMs used by the North Vietnamese?
Captain: Why, those bastards couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle. We fake the **** out of them. There's no sweat.
PAO: What the Captain means is that the surface-to-air missiles around Hanoi pose a serious problem to our air operations and that the pilots have a healthy respect for them.
Correspondent: I suppose, Captain, that you've flown missions to the South. What kind of ordnance do you use, and what kind of targets do you hit?
Captain: Well, I'll tell you, mostly we aim at kicking the **** out of Vietnamese villages; and my favorite ordnance is napalm. Man, that stuff sucks the air out of their friggin' lungs and makes a sonovabitchin' fire.
PAO: What the Captain means is that air strikes in South Vietnam are often against Viet Cong structures and all operations are always under the positive control of forward air controllers, or FACs. The ordnance employed is conventional 500- and 750-pound bombs and 20-mm cannon fire.
Correspondent: I suppose you spent a R R in Hong Kong. What were your impressions of the Oriental girls?
Captain: Yeah, I went to Hong Kong. As for those Oriental broads, well, I don't care which way the runway runs, east or west, north or south--a piece of ass is a piece of ass.
PAO: What the Captain means is that he found the delicately featured Oriental girls fascinating, and he was very impressed with their fine manners and thinks their naivete is most charming.
Correspondent: Tell me, Captain, have you flown any missions other than over North and South Vietnam?
Captain: You bet your sweet ass I've flown other missions. We get scheduled nearly every day on the trail in Laos where those ****ers over there throw everything at you but the friggin' kitchen sink. Even the goddamn kids got slingshsots.
PAO: What the Captain means is that he has occasionally been scheduled to fly missions in the extreme western DMZ, and he has a healthy respect for the flak in that area.
Correspondent: I understand that no one in your fighter wing has got a MIG yet. What seems to be the problem?
Captain: Why you screwhead, if you knew anything about what you're talking about--the problem is MIGs. If we'd get scheduled by those peckerheads at Seventh for those missions in MIG valley, you can bet your ass we'd get some of those mothers. Those glory hounds at Ubon get all those missions, while we settle for fightin' the friggin' war. Those mothers at Ubon are sitting on their fat asses killing MIGs, and we get stuck with bombing the goddamned cabbage patches.
PAO: What the Captain means is that each element in the Seventh Air Force is responsible for doing its assigned job in the air war. Some units are assigned the job of neutralizing enemy air strength by hunting out MIGs and other elements are assigned bombing missions and interdiction of enemy supply routes.
Correspondent: Of all the targets you've hit in Vietnam, which one was the most satisfying?
Captain: Well, ****, it was when we were scheduled for that suspected VC vegetable garden. I dropped napalm in the middle of the ****in' cabbage, and my wingman splashed it real good with six of those 750-pound mothers and spread the fire all the way to the friggin' beets and carrots.
PAO: What the Captain means is that the great variety of tactical targets available throughout Vietnam makes the F-4C the perfect aircraft to provide flexible response.
Correspondent: What do you consider the most difficult target you've stuck in North Vietnam?
Captain: The friggin' bridges. I must have dropped 40 tons of bombs on those swayin' bamboo mothers, and I ain't hit one of the bastards yet.
PAO: What the Captain means is that interdicting bridges along enemy supply routes is very important and that bridges present quite a difficult target. The best way to accomplish this task is to crater the approaches to the bridge.
Correspondent: I noticed, in touring the base, that you have aluminum matting on the taxiways. Would you care to comment on its effectiveness and usefulness in Vietnam?
Captain: You're ****in' right. I'd like to make a comment. Most of us pilots are well hung, but ****, you don't know what hung is until you get hung up on one of the friggin' bumps on that goddamn stuff.
PAO: What the Captain means is that the aluminum matting is quite satisfactory as a temporary expedient but requires some finesse in taxiing and braking the aircraft.
Correspondent: Did you have an opportunity to meet your wife on leave in Honolulu, and did you enjoy the visit with her?
Captain: Yeah, I met my wife in Honolulu, but I forgot to check the calendar, so the whole five days were friggin' well combat- proof--a completely dry run.
PAO: What the Captain means is that it was wonderful to get together with his wife and learn firsthand about the family and how things were at home.
Correspondent: Thank you for your time, Captain.
Captain: Screw you--why don't you bastards print the real story, instead of all that crap?
PAO: What the Captain means is that he enjoyed this opportunity to discuss his tour with you.
Correspondent: One final question. Could you reduce your impression of the war into a simple phrase or statement, Captain?
Captain: You bet your ass I can. It's a ****** up war.
PAO: What the Captain means is . . . it's a ****** UP WAR.

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## at6 (Jul 19, 2015)




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## gumbyk (Jul 19, 2015)

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says. The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

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## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2015)




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## javlin (Jul 23, 2015)

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a Sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget.."

I think we got Poontang!!

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## Crimea_River (Jul 24, 2015)




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## at6 (Jul 24, 2015)

A man is fishing when a young boy walks up and catches a frog. Being a nature lover the man tells the boy,"What ever you do to that frog I'm going to do to you"! The boy looked at the frog and said, "Mr. frog this is your lucky day because I'm going to kiss your a$$".

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## v2 (Jul 24, 2015)

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk
helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign
"broomstick one". 

And they say the Army has no sense of humor 

Submitted by F-16.net

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## Gnomey (Jul 24, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 24, 2015)




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## at6 (Jul 24, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jul 24, 2015)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 24, 2015)

A couple in their nineties were having problems remembering things. 
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure.' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. 
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

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## Gnomey (Jul 26, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jul 26, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 27, 2015)

excellent!


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## Crimea_River (Jul 29, 2015)

Air Show Disaster at West ZWICK'S ISLAND PARK , BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO , CANADA.

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS 
This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. 

Amazing photo below shows great detail. 

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. 

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. 

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.


































No one was killed, but it probably scared the sh!t out of them.

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## at6 (Jul 29, 2015)




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## Wurger (Jul 30, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Jul 30, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 30, 2015)

Awesome..


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## Crimea_River (Jul 30, 2015)

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

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## Wurger (Jul 31, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 31, 2015)

_Says who ...?_

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## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2015)




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## Glider (Aug 1, 2015)

You and who's air force!!!


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## Wurger (Aug 1, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2015)




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## at6 (Aug 2, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 3, 2015)

Alright buster..................................................you asked for it!!!!


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## at6 (Aug 4, 2015)

It would seem that you can tell how good a Chinese restaurant is by the quality of the pet skins in the dumpster.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 5, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 7, 2015)

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

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## Gnomey (Aug 7, 2015)




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## Wurger (Aug 7, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 8, 2015)

Language Advisory ... but _brilliant_


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3pjq0WAupc_

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## javlin (Aug 10, 2015)

Here's little Ralphy at his best…
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."
Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go."
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."
Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little
RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 10, 2015)

Answering machine message:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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## Wurger (Aug 11, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 11, 2015)

Excellent! :d


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## Crimea_River (Aug 11, 2015)

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2015)




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## Wurger (Aug 12, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 12, 2015)

Crimea_River said:


> My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.



I can relate to that...


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## at6 (Aug 13, 2015)

It was approaching winter and three birds were sitting and talking. The first bird said"My instincts tell me to go Southwest." The second bird said "My instincts tell me to go Southeast." The third bird said "My end stinks and it tells me nothing."

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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 13, 2015)

and I laughed at that one........


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## Wurger (Aug 13, 2015)




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## v2 (Aug 14, 2015)

...

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## Wurger (Aug 14, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2015)




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## javlin (Aug 14, 2015)

And I am half Canadian French from my mother side and have paper's(birth lineage) back to France from the early 1600's and that is funny


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## pbehn (Aug 14, 2015)

v2 said:


> ...



I had a manager in the 1970s called "Wing Commander Brown" he made a business trip to Germany. When the Germans asked if he had been to Germany before he said yes he had been to Dusseldorf but it was at 20,000ft in a Lancaster. Oh very funny! except all the English knew he wasnt in RAF Bomber command he was in the observer corps. Its a clever guy who manages to make everyone in the room think you are a complete [email protected]

He was formally warned not to give fake information on his wartime service when he got back.

I liked the post though V2


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## VBF-13 (Aug 14, 2015)

Two middle-aged businessmen were relaxing by the pool in a plush Miami Beach resort hotel. The first one said, "The best thing that happened to me was when my business was destroyed by fire. I collected the fire insurance, and here I am." The second one said, "The best thing that happened to me was when my business was destroyed by flood. I collected the flood insurance, and here I am." The first one said, "How did you start a flood?"

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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2015)




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## Wurger (Aug 15, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 15, 2015)

So, I was walking through the mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Fxxk off - Get out and Stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

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## Crimea_River (Aug 15, 2015)

Good one!


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## Gnomey (Aug 15, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 16, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 16, 2015)

Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

They are very good at it.


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## Airframes (Aug 16, 2015)

Yer coat's on that branch over there .....................

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## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2015)

Andy does make a good point....


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## Elmas (Aug 17, 2015)



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## vikingBerserker (Aug 17, 2015)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 17, 2015)

Yup!


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## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2015)




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## Wurger (Aug 18, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 19, 2015)

And you wonder why I'm not married.


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## rochie (Aug 20, 2015)

A journalist calls the Australian cricket team dressing room, "can I have a quick interview with the opening batsman please ?"

"Sorry mate, they've just gone out to bat"

Ok no problem, I'll hold !"


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## Wayne Little (Aug 20, 2015)

yep


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## A4K (Aug 20, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 21, 2015)

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

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## javlin (Aug 21, 2015)

The Robot Bartender


A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed
that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir,
what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied. "A martini
please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man
answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of
relativity' 'inter-stellar space travel' and 'the latest medical
breakthroughs.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he
would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have. He responded, "A Martini please."

Again it was
superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man
answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the
latest basketball scores and what to expect the Dodgers to do this
weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took
a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the
man drawled out "Uh, 'bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very
slowly asked,

"A-r-e? Y-o-u-r? P-e-o-p-l-e? R-e-a-l-l-y? G-o-i-n-g? 
T-o? N-o-m-i-n-a-t-e? H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2015)




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## Airframes (Aug 25, 2015)

This one has just won the 'Best Joke' award at the Edinburgh Fringe :

"I've deleted all the German names from my mobile 'phone. It's Hans free !"

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## A4K (Aug 25, 2015)

Were there no other contestants Terry?

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## Airframes (Aug 25, 2015)

Well, I couldn't get there ................ which is probably just as well !!


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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2015)

Here are the rest of the top 10 from the fringe...

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

Edinburgh Fringe: Mobile phone joke voted funniest - BBC News


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## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2015)




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## fubar57 (Sep 1, 2015)

Geo

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## Crimea_River (Sep 1, 2015)

Please let it be Justin Trudeau.


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## fubar57 (Sep 2, 2015)

If these two clowns get elected....I'm moving to Syria.




Geo

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## Wayne Little (Sep 2, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2015)




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## gumbyk (Sep 2, 2015)

Donald Trump runs for President.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 4, 2015)

He might have more chance if he would keep his big mouth shut...seems to be stepping on plenty of toes...


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## v2 (Sep 4, 2015)

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. 

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender because: 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 


2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine because: 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. 


The women won


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## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2015)




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## at6 (Sep 4, 2015)

Wayne Little said:


> He might have more chance if he would keep his big mouth shut...seems to be stepping on plenty of toes...



That's because he isn't a limp wristed politicly correct pansy.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 5, 2015)

at6 said:


> That's because he isn't a limp wristed politicly correct pansy.



That's a fair call!


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## Wurger (Sep 5, 2015)

In Chelyabinsk, Russia , The Skype users are so tough they talk to shouting into the USB slot directly.

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## at6 (Sep 5, 2015)




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## Wurger (Sep 6, 2015)

In Chelyabinsk, russian engineers tested a new armour-piercing shell. During the trial the new one went through of a the best russian tank, pierced a general's jeep and scared a Private. Unfortunately the shell turned out a live bomb.

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## Old Wizard (Sep 7, 2015)

Why did the chicken cross the road - Best ones Ever



DONALD TRUMP: All Mexican chickens who wish to cross this road must submit to a complete background check, full body search and DNA test to ensure they are in fact chickens.

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCain: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a 
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider informati

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. 

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' 
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released e-Chicken 2015, which will not only cross 

roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken 
2015. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one??????

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## Bernhart (Sep 7, 2015)

chicken crossed the road to show the raccoon it could be done ( any number of other roadkill can be inserted here)


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## Wayne Little (Sep 7, 2015)




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## at6 (Sep 7, 2015)

The chicken crossed the road because it was looking to get laid like an egg.


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## at6 (Sep 7, 2015)

Obama was tossed into the ocean. The sharks swam away thinking he was whale poo.

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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Sep 7, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 8, 2015)

*Harley biker*

Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents. 

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. 


Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched the entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'


The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' 

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' 

The journalist leaves. 

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: 

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH! 

And _that _pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.








--













© 2015 Microsoft Terms Privacy cookies Developers Bell Mail Help © Bell Canada 2013 English (United States)

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## Wayne Little (Sep 8, 2015)

Damn straight...


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## at6 (Sep 8, 2015)

The Green Bay Packers better hope that they never move to San Francisco. They would have to be the SF Butt Packers.

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## Gnomey (Sep 9, 2015)




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## Wurger (Sep 11, 2015)



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## michaelmaltby (Sep 11, 2015)

*Women who read*

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.


Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"For reading a book?" she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

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## Gnomey (Sep 11, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 12, 2015)




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## Bernhart (Sep 18, 2015)

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

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## vikingBerserker (Sep 18, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2015)




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## Wurger (Sep 20, 2015)




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## at6 (Sep 21, 2015)

It was announced on the news this morning that in honor of Hispanic history month, the local state university plans to welcome incoming freshmen with familiar sights and smells. I immediately got a vision of sombreros and farts.


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## Wurger (Sep 21, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 21, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2015)




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## javlin (Sep 22, 2015)

The folksy little church down the road from me has a black congregation, so I had never been there. But I received notice that Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson would be visiting, so I was happy to drop in.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me. I don’t know why - maybe it was because I was the only white man in the church. He laid his hands on my hands and said, “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today." Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen.

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## Wayne Little (Sep 23, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2015)




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## Wurger (Sep 24, 2015)

What is the worst combination of two illnesses? 

The Alzheimer's disease and the trots ...

You run but where to.

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## at6 (Sep 24, 2015)




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## v2 (Sep 25, 2015)

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking. 
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter. 
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. 
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested? The Englishman answers with a bit of humour, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?

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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Sep 25, 2015)




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## Airframes (Sep 25, 2015)

Great ones !


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## vikingBerserker (Sep 25, 2015)

Sad but true!


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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2015)




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## at6 (Sep 26, 2015)

A space ship lands in the bushes in a park. When two aliens step out, one looks at the other and asks, "What kind of creature has two backs, four feet in opposite directions and goes ooh, aah, ooh aah?


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## Wurger (Sep 27, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 27, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 27, 2015)

Bar Signs. First of several:

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## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2015)




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## at6 (Sep 28, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 28, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Sep 30, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Sep 30, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 30, 2015)

*Butch the Rooster*

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

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## Old Wizard (Sep 30, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 1, 2015)

Excellent!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 2, 2015)

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 2, 2015)

LMAO!


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## Crimea_River (Oct 2, 2015)



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## Gnomey (Oct 2, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 3, 2015)



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## Gnomey (Oct 4, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 4, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 5, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 5, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2015)

Is that sign in Terry's neck of the woods....


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## Wurger (Oct 6, 2015)

For Germans the "sex" is something between the fünf and sieben.

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## Airframes (Oct 6, 2015)

I thought 'sex' was what posh people have their coal delivered in - "Jest two sex today, my good man" !


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## Gnomey (Oct 6, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 6, 2015)

Better get another one up, quick.....

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## Wayne Little (Oct 7, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 7, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 7, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 7, 2015)



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## razor1uk (Oct 7, 2015)

I saw a borderline joke in the General Chat in World of Tanks the other day; I apologise for its dark humourous play on words, I'll get my coat now before it (or as they say in WoT I'll get in my Tank - sounds of running feet, and the clang of the hatches shutting and engines starting up)



> My wife and I fostered a kid earlier to day.
> ....
> All four cans hit.


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## Wurger (Oct 8, 2015)



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## Crimea_River (Oct 8, 2015)

Oh man, I'm running to the bathroom just looking at that........


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## Wurger (Oct 8, 2015)

To brush your teeth or because of your stomach?

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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 9, 2015)



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## vikingBerserker (Oct 9, 2015)

I've always enjoyed chess more than checkers but I would play.

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## Crimea_River (Oct 9, 2015)



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## Gnomey (Oct 10, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 12, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 12, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Oct 12, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 13, 2015)

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

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## Wurger (Oct 13, 2015)




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## razor1uk (Oct 13, 2015)

lol Wayne, that one was surely for some poor human on this Earth in the last 60 years a real experience I'd bet... but perhaps not a typical 'Kodak Moment'.


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## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 13, 2015)

OOPS


Wheels


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## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2015)

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".


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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 14, 2015)

LMAO, Brilliant!


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## trackend (Oct 14, 2015)

*Marriage is like a deck of cards. 
You start with Hearts and Diamonds
and end up wanting a Club and Spade*

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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Oct 14, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 15, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2015)

Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 17, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 18, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 19, 2015)

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

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## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 20, 2015)

Here we go ...

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## at6 (Oct 20, 2015)

Not totally sure that I get the meaning of the cartoon but I like it any way.


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 20, 2015)

The Supreme Court recently granted a woman the right to take her citizenship ship oath with her face covered ... our young Liberal agrees.


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## at6 (Oct 20, 2015)

She was probably too ugly to be see out otherwise.


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 20, 2015)

".. too ugly ..."

Don't think so ...


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## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2015)

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

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## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 21, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 21, 2015)

It's the flannel!


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## at6 (Oct 21, 2015)

Let's see..........Dish towel covering the face, and I'll take the flannel as it's better looking than she is plus more than likely much more comforting. She's not going to show you her one tooth either.


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## javlin (Oct 21, 2015)

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, - 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, - 'I think it's your hands.'

- 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, - 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.

- 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said - 'Sister, I think it's your feet.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. - 'Now Johnny,
why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, - 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm
coming'.
I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her. '

The Nun fai nted....
Have A Great Day

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## Wurger (Oct 22, 2015)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 24, 2015)

*Roll Call*

Registration on the first day back at school in London ....
Ahmed Al Sheriah 

"here" 

Mustafa Al Sheriah 

"here" 

Fatima El Bindiri 

"here" 

Ali Achma Shabeeb 

"here" 



Ali Sun Al En 

No answer 



Ali Sun Al En? 

Little girl at the back stands up and says



"It's pronounced Alison Allen!!

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## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2015)




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## Wurger (Oct 25, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 25, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2015)




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## wheelsup_cavu (Oct 26, 2015)

Wheels


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## Capt. Vick (Oct 29, 2015)

There's a CEO, a Tea Party Member and a Union Member are sitting at a table and on the table is a plate with 12 cookies on it. The CEO reaches in and grabs 11 cookies and taps the Tea Party Member on the shoulder, and gesturing to the Union Member and says: "Watch out. That guy is after your cookie!"

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## Wurger (Oct 29, 2015)



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## Crimea_River (Oct 29, 2015)

An air-traffic control tower suddenly lost communication 
with a small twin engine aircraft. 
A moment later the tower's land-line rang 
and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger who was riding with the pilot 
who lost communications was on a cellular phone
and yelled - "Mayday, mayday - - - the pilot has 
just had an fatal heart attack, so I grabbed 
his cell phone out of his pocket."
He continued..."Luckily, the pilot had told me, 
before we took off, that he had the tower on his 
speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and 
traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!" 

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately...
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll 
guide you down after a few questions... 
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
Then, he began his series of questions: 

Tower : "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" 

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet 
on the Altimeter dial in front of me." 

Tower : "Okay, that's good, remain calm. 
How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" 

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on 
the Airspeed dial in front of me." 

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, 
so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: The sh!t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!

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## Wurger (Oct 29, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 29, 2015)

LMAO!!!


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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 30, 2015)

LMAO!!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 31, 2015)

It's amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 31, 2015)

Ain't it though.


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 31, 2015)

Values on display ....

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## javlin (Oct 31, 2015)

While not so much a joke all seem Valid!

GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm,and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3.Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. 
But then I repeat myself.-- Mark Twain


4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7.Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting
on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8.Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University .

9.Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10.Government is the great fiction,through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of
everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat,French economist (1801-1850)

11.Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves,tax it. If it keeps moving,regulate it. And if it stops
moving, subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan (1986)


12. I don't make jokes.I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers


13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what
it costs when it's free! -- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
--Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you!-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)


17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
sharing of the blessings.The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. 
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22.There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
--Edward Langley,Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

FIVE
BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of
prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working
for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody
anything that the government does not first take from
somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of
them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work,because somebody else is going to get what they 
work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

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## javlin (Oct 31, 2015)

This is exactly the same look you will get from your friends if you tell them
you think Obama has done a good job and you plan to vote for Hillary Clinton.

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## Wayne Little (Nov 1, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 1, 2015)

*Squirrels and Religion...*

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.

Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumoured that they took one squirrel and circumcised him and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

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## Wurger (Nov 1, 2015)




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## Bernhart (Nov 1, 2015)

can understand the circumcised squirrel, after I was born I was circumcised, couldn't walk for a year

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## Gnomey (Nov 1, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 2, 2015)




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## parsifal (Nov 2, 2015)

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a shave and a haircut. 
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. 
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. 

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. 

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 2, 2015)




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## javlin (Nov 2, 2015)

Ya' gotta love this guy!!!!!
Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all the " b........... and then he calmly returned to his seat

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## Wayne Little (Nov 3, 2015)

Excellent on both counts...


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## Wurger (Nov 3, 2015)



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## Gnomey (Nov 3, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 4, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 6, 2015)

LMFAO!! Ten thumbs up....Helium Beer:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V9QHBgrPNY_

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## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2015)




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## Airframes (Nov 6, 2015)

Good job we only had Speckled Hen at the campsite at Duxford, and not helium beer, otherwise we'd all have needed fresh trousers !

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## Crimea_River (Nov 6, 2015)

That video was the hardest I'd laughed in years.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 7, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 9, 2015)

Don Quijote


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## Crimea_River (Nov 9, 2015)

Ain't that the truth. And now there's a crude oil rail car derailment in the news, which, of course, is in the nation's best interest.


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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 9, 2015)

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced,
"The Coopers are having sex."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 9, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 10, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 11, 2015)

*Say What You Mean ....*

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## pbehn (Nov 11, 2015)

Michael, people have tried to do a similar table from EU speak to English, it is impossible to translate.

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 11, 2015)

My God, I never knew my ex was British!

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## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 12, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 13, 2015)

Political climate

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## Wurger (Nov 13, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Nov 13, 2015)




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## v2 (Nov 15, 2015)

...

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## Wayne Little (Nov 15, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Nov 15, 2015)




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## javlin (Nov 15, 2015)

WHERE ERECTIONS GO TO DIE






This is the look that can destroy a Viagra-powered erection halfway across the Continent.


This is the look that launched a thousand decisions to join the priesthood.
This is the look that curdled the semen in the testicles of the photographer who took it.
If emasculation took a selfie... this is it.
This is the picture that hangs above the fireplace in Satan’s living room.

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## Crimea_River (Nov 15, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 16, 2015)

I should not have looked at that while eating lunch!


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## gumbyk (Nov 16, 2015)

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.' 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' 

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 18, 2015)

Excellent!


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## at6 (Nov 19, 2015)

During the latest anti-terror raid, a woman set off her suicide vest. She won't have the guts to try twice.


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## Wurger (Nov 19, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 19, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2015)




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## at6 (Nov 20, 2015)

The ringleader's cousin was expecting to have a blast. It left her feeling gutted. How much energy did she have afterwards? She was gutless.


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## at6 (Nov 20, 2015)

Why did they think her eyes were blue? One blew this way and one blew that way.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 20, 2015)

Aw...man....

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 20, 2015)

I was traveling between Toronto and Peterborough the other day when a tire blew.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied 
"You a Liberal or Conservative," asked the old man. “Conservative", I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, “Conservative." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, 
since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be very few Conservative
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative
"Liberal" I shouted. "Hop in!" replied the blonde
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me,
the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts,
and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car; I have to get out.
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked."I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Liberal for five minutes 
and already I want to_ screw_ somebody!"

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## Crimea_River (Nov 20, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 20, 2015)

LMAO!


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## Wurger (Nov 21, 2015)



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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 21, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 23, 2015)




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## v2 (Nov 25, 2015)

Funeral Flowers
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

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## Wayne Little (Nov 25, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 25, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 25, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 26, 2015)

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 26, 2015)

What are you having for Thanksgiving ...?

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## Wurger (Nov 26, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2015)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 27, 2015)

As I was coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life,

my family's lives, my friends' lives, and what's happening in Paris,

Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton, Jeb, Trump,

Fox News, CNN, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating

our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly

losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said: 



NEED HELP?



CALL JESUS



1-800-555-3787



Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number. 





A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

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## at6 (Nov 28, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 28, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 28, 2015)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WJ71CIk4qY_

ISIL Defection

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## Wayne Little (Nov 29, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Nov 29, 2015)




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## javlin (Nov 29, 2015)

"A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment,
free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing,
free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.
And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist……it's called prison."

~Sheriff Joe Apaio~

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## Wayne Little (Nov 30, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 30, 2015)

The Middle East - Explained

President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people
rebelled and the Rebels (who are good) started winning (Hurrah!).

But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic
State (who are definitely bad!) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good.)

So the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are
bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could
fight Assad (who is still bad) which was good.

By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who
want to fight IS (which is a good thing) but the Turkish authorities think
they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking
they're good and giving them guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is
another matter.

Getting back to Syria.

So President Putin (who is bad, cos he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium-poisoned sushi) has decided to back Assad (who is still bad ) by attacking
IS (who are also bad) which is sort of a good thing?

But Putin (still bad) thinks the Syrian Rebels (who are good) are also
bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good).

Now Iran (who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any
nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (still bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.

So a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad)
which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad.

Now the British (obviously good, except that nice Mr Corbyn in the corduroy
jacket, who is probably bad) and the Americans (also good) cannot attack
Assad (still bad) for fear of upsetting Putin (bad) and Iran (good/bad) and now they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all...
compared to IS (who are super bad).

So Assad (bad) is now probably good, being better than IS (but lets face
it, drinking your own wee is better than IS so no real choice there) and
since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them... Good.
America (still Good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being
attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and
that nice, mad Ayatollah in Iran (also Good) and so they may be forced to
say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their
fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join
IS (still the only consIStantly bad group).

To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by
Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will
now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and
hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good ( Doh!.)

Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in
support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal (mmm. might have a point!) and hence we will be seen as Bad.

So now we have America (now bad) and Britain ( also bad ) providing
limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to IS (
Good / bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (
also Good) and Putin (also, now, unbelievably, Good) are attempting to
retake the country Assad used to run before all this started.

THERE NOW.........I hope that clears all this up for you.

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## javlin (Nov 30, 2015)

Squirrel,Nut and a Dog 

http://i.imgur.com/9hRi2jN.gifv

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## Wayne Little (Dec 1, 2015)

I missed something..could you explain it again Andy...

...and the Squirrel...


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## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 2, 2015)



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## Wayne Little (Dec 3, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Dec 3, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 6, 2015)



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## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 7, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2015)

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

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## Wurger (Dec 10, 2015)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 10, 2015)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Dec 10, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2015)

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

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## Airframes (Dec 11, 2015)

Coat ......................


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## rochie (Dec 11, 2015)

Hat..........


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## Crimea_River (Dec 11, 2015)

..door....


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 11, 2015)

....and never come back!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 12, 2015)

Aw Man.....


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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2015)




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## javlin (Dec 12, 2015)

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" 

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" 

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". 

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." 

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over sixty................who cares?

********** 

Cowboy: 
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier: 
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: 
"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re over sixty................who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over sixty................who cares? 




***********


I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over sixty................who cares?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Cost me a bloody nose, but... When you’re over sixty................who cares?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.



I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over sixty................who cares?

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## michaelmaltby (Dec 12, 2015)

OK

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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 13, 2015)

The Flasher

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## Wayne Little (Dec 14, 2015)




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## Wurger (Dec 14, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2015)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 15, 2015)

*Jack Blossom*

Jack and his date, Blossom were parked on a back road some distance from Brisbane, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from Brisbane
Things were getting hot and heavy when Blossom stopped Jack
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $120 for $ex," she said.
Jack just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they went on to have mind blowing $ex for the next hour.
After they were done, and had smoked a cigarette, Jack just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked Blossom
"Well..........", Jack replied with a grin on his face,
"I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Taxi Driver and the fare back to Brisbane is $130 "

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## Wayne Little (Dec 15, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 15, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 16, 2015)

Damn....Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.


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## Wurger (Dec 16, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2015)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 16, 2015)

Good one!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 20, 2015)

The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.

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## Wurger (Dec 20, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 20, 2015)

Only if you have one Wayne, only if you have one.


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## Crimea_River (Dec 20, 2015)

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as the wife was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit. After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the cellphone.

The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop", she replied.

"I'm in the pub next to that."

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## Wayne Little (Dec 22, 2015)




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## Wurger (Dec 22, 2015)




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## Wurger (Dec 22, 2015)




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## Hiromachi (Dec 22, 2015)

Political but funny as hell

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 22, 2015)

A-fricken-men!


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## michaelmaltby (Dec 22, 2015)

COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY

John wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. John is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
John had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! John sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get a take out for your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Joan
---
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His daughter is also at the table, eating. 

John asks his daughter, " What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. "

Confused, he asked , "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His daughter replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed ... 


"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time ... PRICELESS!

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## Gnomey (Dec 22, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 23, 2015)

excellent!


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## Hiromachi (Dec 23, 2015)



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## at6 (Dec 24, 2015)

But I like Fruit cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 24, 2015)

C'mon....some fruitcake is nice...


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## Hiromachi (Dec 24, 2015)

Good, you can have mine


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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2015)

Or you just eat the fruit and leave the cake (or the other way around)...


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## at6 (Dec 24, 2015)

Merry Christmas. He visits those who have fiber in their diets.

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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 26, 2015)

Hiromachi said:


> Good, you can have mine



I'm with you Hiromachi.


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## Crimea_River (Dec 26, 2015)

I had a friend who was feeling down so I tried to cheer him up by telling him 10 jokes.

No pun in ten did.





Where's me coat........

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## Airframes (Dec 27, 2015)

It's next to your hat, gloves, and Passport !


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 27, 2015)

There really is only one fruit cake in existence and its only passed around.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 28, 2015)

C'mon leave Jan alone...


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## Wurger (Dec 28, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Dec 28, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2015)

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

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## Airframes (Dec 29, 2015)

Yer coat's next to Andy's ....................

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## at6 (Dec 29, 2015)

I'll grab mine and join them at the Bacon Bar.


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 29, 2015)

Wayne Little said:


> So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.




Dammit, I laughed at that!


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## Crimea_River (Dec 30, 2015)



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## Old Wizard (Dec 30, 2015)




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## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 1, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 2, 2016)

You know....Whiteboards are remarkable.


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## Airframes (Jan 2, 2016)

Coat !


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## rochie (Jan 2, 2016)

Sorry Wayne, Terry is right, that was a poor effort !


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## Wayne Little (Jan 2, 2016)

I know...

but I bet you at least smiled...


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## Airframes (Jan 2, 2016)

I smiled at the thought of you ripping apart all the left-over Christmas crackers to get at those little slip of paper with the 'jokes' printed on them !

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 2, 2016)

Wayne, I don't know what Whiteboads are, but apparently, they are not good.


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## Airframes (Jan 2, 2016)

Whiteboards are boards which are white, and you can write on them, wipe off the word, and write again. Unlike sideboards, which aren't always white, and you don't usually write on them, or floorboards, which are difficult to write on, as bending at that angle is bl**dy uncomfortable.
Now, as the traditional type of board used for writing on in schools has had to have its name changed from the dark, neutral colour which gave it its name, to 'chalk board' in order not to offend certain people, I don't think I've seen any reports of other certain people being offended by the term 'whiteboard'.
So I think I'll start an anti whiteboard movement, and declare that, as a member of that other group of certain people, I'm offended at the term whiteboard, and will remain offended until tomorrow, at least ................


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 2, 2016)

Thank you Mr. Fox for that LONG and drawn OUT explanation.


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## Airframes (Jan 2, 2016)

I learned that from my good old American cousins - never use one word where six will do !!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 3, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 4, 2016)

I think I'm covered in Terry's BS.....


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 4, 2016)

It can spread rather far and wide, but he has had plenty of practice and experience.


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## Airframes (Jan 4, 2016)

I'll have you know I have a BS in Gibberish !


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 4, 2016)

Or is it a Gibberish in BS?


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## Airframes (Jan 4, 2016)

Er..... maybe a BSc (Hons) in both ?

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## Crimea_River (Jan 4, 2016)

A teacher noticed that little Johnny at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. 

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office and to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. 

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room so she went back to investigate, only to find Johnny sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out. 

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. 

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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## Wayne Little (Jan 5, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2016)




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## at6 (Jan 6, 2016)

Airframes said:


> I'll have you know I have a BS in Gibberish !


That qualifies you to run for office in California.


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## Wayne Little (Jan 6, 2016)

Sounds like a lifetime opportunity Terry....


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## Airframes (Jan 6, 2016)

Hmm. Governor of California eh? Let's see then ... compulsory (free) war-bird rides twice a month, free air-show passes, discount on fuel for all classic, V-8 cars, a ban on a certain hamburger outlet, no politically correct 'do gooders', and bacon issued as a diet supplement.
Think that would work for starters ?


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## Bernhart (Jan 6, 2016)

got my vote. or least would have it if I lived in US of A


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## at6 (Jan 6, 2016)

Terry has my vote.


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 6, 2016)

The Emperor of California has been open since 1880 and I would vote for Terry as Emperor Norton II. Norton I was born in London IIRC.

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## Airframes (Jan 6, 2016)

Well, maybe i might just apply for the job. Where do I get an application form ?


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## Crimea_River (Jan 6, 2016)

Ask AHHHHNALD.

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## Wayne Little (Jan 7, 2016)

I'll slip in a postal vote Terry.


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## michaelmaltby (Jan 7, 2016)

Numerous worldwide problems were discussed
and important decisions were made at the Climate Conference in Paris.
The photo depicts some of the representatives hard at work.

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 7, 2016)

LMAO!


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## Gnomey (Jan 7, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Jan 7, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 7, 2016)

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we 
hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children
along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter 
stared at me as I sat opposite her. The little girl could hardly eat her
food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair 
in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to
just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

So I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and all went quiet, 
waiting for her response.

The little girl said: "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

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## Gnomey (Jan 8, 2016)




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## Capt. Vick (Jan 9, 2016)



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## at6 (Jan 9, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 10, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 11, 2016)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 12, 2016)

What happens when you get scared half to death....twice?


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## Airframes (Jan 12, 2016)

He's _still _got a supply of those paper slips from Christmas crackers !!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 13, 2016)

Yep


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## Crimea_River (Jan 14, 2016)

This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the
dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with
cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."


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## michaelmaltby (Jan 15, 2016)

v2 said:


> SUNDAY MORNING SEX
> 
> On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
> 
> ...

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## michaelmaltby (Jan 15, 2016)

*Alan and Lorraine lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.*
 
*Alan asked Lorraine if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.*
 
*She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."*
 
*So Lorraine, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.*
 
*When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"*
 
*Alan replied, "Well, Lorraine, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"*

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## Gnomey (Jan 15, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 15, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Jan 17, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 18, 2016)

Whatever you do, always give 100%. 

.....Unless you're donating blood.


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## javlin (Jan 24, 2016)

All you golfers will enjoy this one....Cheers and " keep it in the short grass"...

The polite way to Call Someone a Bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They
were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen
holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to
pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish
Priest.






The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair
and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother
and father along, I'll marry them."

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## Wayne Little (Jan 25, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 25, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2016)

I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 26, 2016)

Man, I have a list!


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## Wayne Little (Jan 27, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 28, 2016)

Very funny .....  .... humans ....! We _all _laugh at the same stuff .... laughing in_ public _is freedom


_View: https://www.youtube.com/embed/tzgRw6V252s_

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## Gnomey (Jan 28, 2016)




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## syscom3 (Jan 30, 2016)

A snow tiger?

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## Wurger (Jan 30, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2016)




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## at6 (Jan 30, 2016)

This is why you don't want to drink the water in Flint.

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## Airframes (Jan 30, 2016)

That Tiger is marvelous !


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## Wayne Little (Jan 31, 2016)

Love the Tiger!!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 2, 2016)

Love the Tiger to.


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## Crimea_River (Feb 2, 2016)

I don't know how real that is. There's no snow that I know of that would form the barrel like that and stay put.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 3, 2016)

Party Pooper.....

More like a cut out styrene model....

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## Crimea_River (Feb 3, 2016)

Us Canucks knows our snow.

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## Wayne Little (Feb 5, 2016)

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone in mind to blame.

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## javlin (Feb 7, 2016)

BANANAS & MILKDUDS​
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...
He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a
F-14 Tomcat.. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get
to 'Milk Duds' , your sense of humor is seriously broken. 

This message is for America 's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's
most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway,
John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity,
let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam . 

Change your name. 

Fake your own death! 

Whatever you do. 
Do Not Go!!! 
I know. 

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. 
I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would
be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station
Oceana in Virginia Beach .. 
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks
like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles
dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the
other way. Fast. 

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the
voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?) 
Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. 
Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting
for him to say, 'We have liftoff'. 

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million
weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.
I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked
Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. 

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up
as they do going down.' 

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name
sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. 
But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had
instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it. 

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened
me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out
of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately rendered
unconscious. 

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me,
and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose
up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. 

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. 
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. 
We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and
dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. 
We chased another F-14, and it chased us. 

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at
200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,
which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing
against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. 

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that. 

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. 

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing
stuff that I never thought would be egressed. 

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point,
as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock
bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I
was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person
in history to throw down. 

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. 
Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. 
I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm
glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever
makes in a home stand. 

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said
he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd
send it on a patch for my flight suit. 

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags.'

Fighter Pilot University :: Bananas and Milkduds

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## A4K (Feb 7, 2016)

Great stuff guys


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## Old Wizard (Feb 8, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 8, 2016)

Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now...


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## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2016)




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## at6 (Feb 9, 2016)

Wayne Little said:


> Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now...


For that you will have to endure one month of nude dancing with Hillary Clinton and Madeleine Albright..

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## Old Wizard (Feb 9, 2016)

at6 said:


> For that you will have to endure one month of nude dancing with Hillary Clinton and Madeleine Albright..


Isn't that like a death sentence?


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 9, 2016)

If it is not.........................................................it should be.


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## Crimea_River (Feb 9, 2016)

Same for me bro!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2016)

at6 said:


> For that you will have to endure one month of nude dancing with Hillary Clinton and Madeleine Albright..





Old Wizard said:


> Isn't that like a death sentence?





Aaron Brooks Wolters said:


> If it is not.........................................................it should be.



So I guess that's a bad thing right...

Andy..


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 11, 2016)

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from  the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,”  says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 11, 2016)

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the ‘Style Invitational’. The requirements one week were to use the two words ‘*Lewinsky*’ (the Intern) and ‘*Kaczynski*’ (the Unibomber) in the same limerick. The winning entries (below) were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, without bleeps or alterations. 

*Third place: *
 
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas ‘Hail to the Chief’
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski


*Second place: *
 
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.


*And the winning entry: *
 
Lewinksy and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Feb 11, 2016)

A winner it is!


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2016)




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## Wurger (Feb 12, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 12, 2016)

Pot ... kettle

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## at6 (Feb 12, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 14, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 15, 2016)

haha ......
Is Kanye West Teetering on Brink of Bankruptcy? Owes $53 Million, He Says


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## at6 (Feb 16, 2016)

He's begging Mark Zuckerberg for one billion dollars. If Zuckerberg is smart, he will tell West to go fudge himself. That's pan handling big time.


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## Old Wizard (Feb 16, 2016)

Ah, the lives of airheads.


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## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2016)

Hopefully he goes bankrupt and disappears...


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## Crimea_River (Feb 16, 2016)

He must be bankrupt. He owes me at least $7MM.


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## Crimea_River (Feb 16, 2016)

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
 
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
 
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
 
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Feb 17, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Feb 18, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 19, 2016)

Excellent Andy!


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## michaelmaltby (Feb 23, 2016)

Preparing for surgery ...... those WERE the days


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eozg_oeYC4Q_


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## vikingBerserker (Feb 23, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 23, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2016)




----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2016)

Look out...


----------



## Capt. Vick (Feb 25, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Feb 26, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 26, 2016)

Wow, that would so explain a lot of my dating problems!


----------



## Gnomey (Feb 26, 2016)




----------



## Crimea_River (Feb 26, 2016)

Oh Boy. I think Canada should build a wall along the border with the U.S.....


----------



## Wayne Little (Feb 27, 2016)

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


----------



## at6 (Feb 29, 2016)

Hillary without make up?

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 29, 2016)

*Dear Tech Support,*

*Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown
in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0*

*In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1*

*Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?*

*Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,*

*First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download
Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works
as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5*

*However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.*

*Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a
virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources.)*

*In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.*

*In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7*

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## Wayne Little (Feb 29, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Feb 29, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 3, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> Oh Boy. I think Canada should build a wall along the border with the U.S.....



Looks like the first stage has got the go ahead...

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 3, 2016)

Hey, we're not paying for that!

On the bright side I hear Vancouver is awesome!


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 3, 2016)




----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 4, 2016)

'Cape Breton if Trump wins' campaign pitches Canadian island as refuge for Americans


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## Crimea_River (Mar 4, 2016)

vikingBerserker said:


> Hey, we're not paying for that!



I'm not surprised!

The inside story of Canada’s $4 billion Detroit-Windsor bridge

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## at6 (Mar 4, 2016)

Hillary walked into the room naked. A little voice behind Bill's zipper screamed,"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"

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## Wayne Little (Mar 4, 2016)




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## Wurger (Mar 4, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 4, 2016)

*QUIZ

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hillary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

*

*You had trouble with #5?*

You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?? Lovely, just lovely!

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## Crimea_River (Mar 4, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 5, 2016)

*World-Wide Telephone Survey*

*Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted*

*by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please*

*give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food*

*shortage in the rest of the world?"*



*The survey was a complete failure—why? – because:*



*In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.*



*In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.*



*In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.*



*In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. *



*In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.*



*In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. *


*In the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.*



*And in Australia , New Zealand , Canada , and Great Britain . . .*

*everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.*

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## Gnomey (Mar 5, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 7, 2016)

My brother sent me this one:

_Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking._

_
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she _

_then would have asked 'about what?' At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions._

_
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?_

_
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"? _

_Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby,_

_painful and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. _


_A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."_

_On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."_


_I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock._

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## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 7, 2016)

Simple male logic with liquid facilitation wins out every time


----------



## Airframes (Mar 7, 2016)

Yep !


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## Wayne Little (Mar 8, 2016)

Excellent series of funnies guys...


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## Wayne Little (Mar 10, 2016)

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


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## Wurger (Mar 10, 2016)




----------



## at6 (Mar 10, 2016)




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## at6 (Mar 10, 2016)

How does California get rid of its garbage? We send it to D.C as a senator.


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 10, 2016)

LMAO!


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## Gnomey (Mar 10, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 11, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 11, 2016)

*Sex Study*

The study also discovered there is _political _sex, that’s the type where everybody gets screwed. 

It is broken down into three distinct categories: 

Marxist Sex: Where everybody does it according to their ability and gets it according to their needs. 

Keynesian Sex: Where everybody borrows the money to go to the brothel and lets their kids pick up the tab later. 

Conservative Sex: Which is done in private if done at all and the only evidence of it is in the trickle down effect.

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## Wurger (Mar 11, 2016)

The drama is when you bought the hula hoop and it does fit.


----------



## vikingBerserker (Mar 11, 2016)

LOL!


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## Gnomey (Mar 13, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 13, 2016)

*After 50 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife 
felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the 
small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it 
down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. 
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. 
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over on his back and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.*

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## Wayne Little (Mar 14, 2016)




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## Wurger (Mar 14, 2016)

A grand-daughter is asking her grandmother .... Granny, who is a lover?
Hearing the question , the old lady is springing to her feet and running up to a wardrobe opening it. A male skeleton is falling out of the garderobe.
Look ... said the grandma... I've clean forgotten.

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## Crimea_River (Mar 14, 2016)




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## gumbyk (Mar 14, 2016)



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## Crimea_River (Mar 14, 2016)

Galileo......


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 15, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 16, 2016)



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## Capt. Vick (Mar 17, 2016)

Get it?


----------



## Capt. Vick (Mar 17, 2016)

Oh snap! I didn't see that it was posted already! Jokes on me!


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 18, 2016)

C'mon Jim.....smarten up....


----------



## javlin (Mar 18, 2016)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 339236
> 
> 
> Get it?



Nope so enlighten me.I see jug an a fork tail


----------



## Wurger (Mar 18, 2016)

What about the VFR rules ?


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 19, 2016)

C'mon Kevin get with the program brother...


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 23, 2016)

“Has your son decided what  he wants to be when he grows up?”  I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,”  he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

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## Gnomey (Mar 23, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 23, 2016)




----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 24, 2016)




----------



## at6 (Mar 24, 2016)




----------



## Crimea_River (Mar 24, 2016)



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## Airframes (Mar 24, 2016)

Er ...........................


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2016)

adapting to your surroundings and what you have available to get by...


----------



## Airframes (Mar 25, 2016)

Is it for [email protected] meals though ..................


----------



## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2016)

Ingenious


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 26, 2016)

I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that that photo was taken somewhere in the near vicinity of where I live.


----------



## Airframes (Mar 26, 2016)

And with the sound of a banjo in the background !


----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 27, 2016)

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 27, 2016)

Airframes said:


> And with the sound of a banjo in the background !


Why do you think I carry?


----------



## Airframes (Mar 28, 2016)

Because you don't want to hear weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek !


----------



## Capt. Vick (Mar 28, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Mar 29, 2016)




----------



## at6 (Mar 29, 2016)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 29, 2016)

Nice....


----------



## Capt. Vick (Mar 29, 2016)



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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Mar 29, 2016)

We've been at this Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy to long.


----------



## Wurger (Mar 30, 2016)




----------



## Wayne Little (Mar 30, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 30, 2016)

Buckingham?

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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2016)

Riding the bacon....


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 31, 2016)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2016)

Hamming it up I see...


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## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2016)




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## at6 (Apr 5, 2016)

Marie Antoinette: "Let them eat cake!"
Kim Jong Un: "Let them eat boogers!"


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## Wurger (Apr 5, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Apr 5, 2016)




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## Capt. Vick (Apr 5, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Apr 6, 2016)




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## Geedee (Apr 6, 2016)

Mum cleaning her 12 year old sons bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband " what do I do " hubby says " I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him "

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## Old Wizard (Apr 6, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 7, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 7, 2016)

HEART WARMING STORY

Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day, Tyrone's Mother came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his Mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The Mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London , and relocated to Birmingham .

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in the whole of Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Now...If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon there is a high likelihood that you would vote for Hilary Clinton!

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## Gnomey (Apr 7, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Apr 8, 2016)

A janitor knows who stays in the building well.
Awesome Canadian joke


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## Snautzer01 (Apr 8, 2016)

Trump would have sold the organs, stolen the jewellery, bankrupted the clinic, insulted Tyrone, then blamed it on the Mexicans while saying he only had a small loan of a few millions from his incredible rich father wich money he inherited to get this far.

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## Wayne Little (Apr 8, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Apr 8, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 9, 2016)

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

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## Crimea_River (Apr 9, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Apr 10, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 11, 2016)

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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## Old Wizard (Apr 11, 2016)




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## at6 (Apr 11, 2016)

An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek found them selves at the Pearly Gates. They pleaded with St. Peter to let them return to their lives as they were so young and wanted to live longer. He agreed as long as they gave up their most favorite thing in life. They found them selves walking down the street where they came upon a Pizza parlor. The Italian ran in, grabbed a piece of pizza and "Poof!" he disappeared.The Greek and the Jew continued down the street when suddenly a quarter rolled across the side walk. As the Jew bent over to pick it up, "poof!" the Greek disappeared.


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 11, 2016)

*Moishe Plotnik's Laundry*

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners..... .

When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign
'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong inChinatown ?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese.
How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at ' Document Center of Immiglation.'

Man in front of me was man from Poland ..'

'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'

He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sam Ting.'

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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2016)

good stuff...


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## Shinpachi (Apr 12, 2016)

Oh, I have to add this thread to my favorite.


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## Gnomey (Apr 12, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 14, 2016)

....

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## Wayne Little (Apr 14, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 15, 2016)

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

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## vikingBerserker (Apr 15, 2016)

michaelmaltby said:


> HEART WARMING STORY
> 
> Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"
> 
> ...



You sir deserve bacon!

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## Old Wizard (Apr 15, 2016)

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life

by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young

man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a

sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When

we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're

alive"



With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she 

accepted.



That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a

small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.



From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red

wine, and make love to her until dawn.



Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.



"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.



"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I

get a free trip to Italy." "I see,“ the captain says.



Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added,

"Plus, he's screwing me."



"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island

Ferry."

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## Wayne Little (Apr 16, 2016)

good one.


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## Wurger (Apr 16, 2016)




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## Wurger (Apr 16, 2016)

Found on the FB... Airbus vs Boeing

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## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Apr 16, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 18, 2016)

nothing better than simple....


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## at6 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's rained so much in Texas that with all of the flooding, six illegal immigrants became confused and swam back to Mexico.


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## Wurger (Apr 19, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 19, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Apr 19, 2016)

As Mr Trump says, looks serious there


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## Crimea_River (Apr 19, 2016)

So the wall will be a dam too.

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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2016)

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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## Wurger (Apr 20, 2016)




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## fubar57 (Apr 20, 2016)



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## Bucksnort101 (Apr 20, 2016)

Amen to that!!!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Apr 21, 2016)




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## javlin (Apr 22, 2016)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a _condom!_

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

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## Wurger (Apr 22, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Apr 22, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 23, 2016)

good one..


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## Gnomey (Apr 23, 2016)




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## Elmas (Apr 25, 2016)




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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Apr 25, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2016)

Yep sounds right..


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 26, 2016)

Amen.................


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## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2016)

A defendant isn’t happy with  how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for  a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

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## Shinpachi (Apr 27, 2016)




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## Wurger (Apr 27, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Apr 27, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 27, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 28, 2016)

A woman called the airline  customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” said the clerk, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” further explaining that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed:  “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”


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## Crimea_River (Apr 28, 2016)

was she blonde?


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## Old Wizard (Apr 28, 2016)




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## javlin (Apr 28, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 29, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> was she blonde?



take a wild gues...


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## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2016)




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## at6 (Apr 30, 2016)

I'm wondering. If Hillary becomes President, will she invite Monica to the White House to share a cigar and then Watch Bill smoke it?


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## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2016)

send her a message and ask.....


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## michaelmaltby (May 1, 2016)

“The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,” text on the image reads. “They proudly report that they distribute free meals and food stamps to over *46 million people *on an annual basis.”

“Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us, ‘Please do not feed the animals,’” the text continues. “The reason for this being that … ‘The animals will grow dependent on the handouts, and then they will never learn to take care of themselves.”

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## at6 (May 1, 2016)

Meanwhile, we are supposed to spay and neuter pets due to over population.

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## Old Wizard (May 1, 2016)

michaelmaltby said:


> “The food stamp program is administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,” text on the image reads. “They proudly report that they distribute free meals and food stamps to over *46 million people *on an annual basis.”
> 
> “Meanwhile, the National Park Service, run by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us, ‘Please do not feed the animals,’” the text continues. “The reason for this being that … ‘The animals will grow dependent on the handouts, and then they will never learn to take care of themselves.”


Such irony completely escapes government officials.

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## Gnomey (May 1, 2016)

Indeed...


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## Wayne Little (May 2, 2016)

Well, well, well.....


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## Capt. Vick (May 2, 2016)



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## Crimea_River (May 2, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (May 2, 2016)

*It was raining hard and... a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. 

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. 

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 

'Fishing,' replied the old man. 

'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. 

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 

'And how many have you caught today?' 

'You're the eighth.'*

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## Gnomey (May 3, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (May 4, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 4, 2016)




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## Wurger (May 7, 2016)

It usually takes me 5 minutes to get my favourite pub going from home. It is strange because the way back home takes me an hour or more.


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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2016)

the difference between walking a straight line and not having any idea where your going...


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## Wurger (May 7, 2016)

The true fighter pilot never flies along a straight line.


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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2016)

I hear ya..


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## Wurger (May 7, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2016)

“Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”

“No, how?”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow "


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## Wurger (May 7, 2016)

We will see ... a blind said unto a deaf.


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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2016)

see what?


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## Wurger (May 7, 2016)

Who knows what..


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## Airframes (May 7, 2016)

Ah, yes, the walk back home from the pub.
Why is that, when you're in the pub for an hour or three, someone alters the pavement, creating potholes, lumps and bumps, and placing lamp posts and sign posts in places where there weren't any before ?
And someone does it at camp sites too - making hilly bits and trenches where it was perfectly flat grass when you walked to the pub ...............

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## Gnomey (May 7, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 8, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (May 8, 2016)

here is an Russian joke of USSR era.
Russian don't need private cars.
They have subway to go to work, and tanks for trips abroad.


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## Wurger (May 8, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (May 8, 2016)




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## Wurger (May 9, 2016)



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## Gnomey (May 9, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 10, 2016)

Sure is...


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## javlin (May 10, 2016)

Got my hunting permit today and is now attached to the rear glass of my truck



my truck

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## Wurger (May 11, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 11, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (May 11, 2016)

That's awesome!


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## Gnomey (May 11, 2016)




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## mikewint (May 11, 2016)

In my never ending quest to raise the level of the forum I present this public service guide:
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

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## Wayne Little (May 12, 2016)

Well....covered for all contingencies now...


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## Airframes (May 12, 2016)

Except the 'Pebbledash', which Mike missed.
The 'Pebbledash' is the result following one of those 'boys nights out', when a hot Indian curry is followed by eleventeen pints of good ale. Then, on the way home, and passing the local Kebab House, the decision is made to have a large Donna Kebab, with plenty of chilly sauce and Jallapinos.
The resulting visit to the bathroom, some three or fours later, in the middle of the night is, of course, the 'Pebbledash', a term which adequately describes the eventual violent expulsion of the previous intake of spices, ale and probably slightly dodgy Kebab 'meat' !!!


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## Crimea_River (May 12, 2016)

Pebbledash is often accompanied by the RING OF FIRE. Also commonly linked with consumption of a basket of suicide chicken wings. No explanation needed.


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## Crimea_River (May 13, 2016)

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my
heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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## Wurger (May 13, 2016)

A gravedigger got back home. His wife had a look at him and asked...
- Too many funerals today?
- No, we had the only one burial... he answered.
- But you are looking very tired.. what is the reason for that then?
- It was an interment of the Head of the Tax office. Everybody has enjoyed that so much we had to play an encore seven times.

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## Shinpachi (May 13, 2016)

guys


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## Gnomey (May 13, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 16, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (May 16, 2016)

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!


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## michaelmaltby (May 17, 2016)

Hockey humor ... don't take my goal away:


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_WgVFdLzPk_


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## Old Wizard (May 17, 2016)




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## Gnomey (May 17, 2016)




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## Wurger (May 17, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 18, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (May 18, 2016)

Classic Canadian hockey humor ... from Hollywood


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUbn5ss8j9c_


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## Old Wizard (May 18, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (May 18, 2016)

*Life's Demerit System*

*...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY! *Do something she likes, and you get points. 
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. 
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. 
*Sorry, that's the way the game is played.*
*Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:*


*SIMPLE DUTIES*
You make the bed. (+1) 
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10) 
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3) 
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) 
But return with Beer. (-5) 

*PROTECTIVE DUTIES*
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1) 
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0) 
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5) 
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10) 
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30) 

*SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS*
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1) 
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2) 
Named Tina (-10) 
Tina is a dancer. (-20) 
Tina has breast implants. (-40) 

*HER BIRTHDAY* 
You take her out to dinner. (+2) 
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3) 
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) 
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3) 
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10) 

*A NIGHT OUT* 
You take her to a movie. (+1) 
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5) 
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6) 
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) 
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3) 
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15) 

*YOUR PHYSIQUE*
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30) 
You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80) 

*THE BIG QUESTION*
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) 
*(Yes, you lose points no matter what)* 
You hesitate in responding. (-10) 
You reply, "Where?" (-35) 
You give any other response. (-40) 

*COMMUNICATION*
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2) 
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) 
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500) 
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

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## Wayne Little (May 19, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (May 21, 2016)

Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, “Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?”
Little Johnny smiles proudly, “No Miss, there’s no need, my mom cooks really well.”

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## Wurger (May 21, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (May 21, 2016)




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## Wurger (May 21, 2016)

Found on the FB...

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## Airframes (May 21, 2016)

Achtung ! Schwere Panzer aliens !


----------



## Wurger (May 21, 2016)




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## Gnomey (May 21, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (May 21, 2016)

Nice find Wojtek


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## Wayne Little (May 23, 2016)

Cool..!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 26, 2016)

The slowest panzer yet.


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## Wayne Little (May 29, 2016)

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.


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## Wurger (May 29, 2016)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2016)




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## at6 (May 30, 2016)

Hillary visits a South Pacific island where she is captured by cannibals. When asked what was for dinner as Hillary was turning on the spit, the chief said, "Rack of Hag."


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## at6 (May 30, 2016)

Two men go deep sea fishing and pull an obviously water logged Hillary from the water. Upon returning to the docks, they claimed to have only caught a Gurgling Hag fish which they promptly threw back.


----------



## michaelmaltby (May 30, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (May 30, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jun 1, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 1, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 3, 2016)

fter trick-or-treating,  a teen takes a shortcut home  through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots  an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,”  says the relieved teen. “What are you  doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”


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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jun 5, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2016)

Look out..!


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## Airframes (Jun 5, 2016)

Take cover !!


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## Shinpachi (Jun 5, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 5, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 6, 2016)

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.
Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.”

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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2016)




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## javlin (Jun 6, 2016)



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## Wurger (Jun 7, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 7, 2016)

good one....


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## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2016)

“Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.”

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## Wurger (Jun 12, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Jun 12, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 13, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 13, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Jun 14, 2016)

Nice posts


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## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 15, 2016)

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

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## Wurger (Jun 15, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Jun 15, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 15, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 15, 2016)




----------



## Capt. Vick (Jun 16, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 16, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jun 16, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jun 16, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 17, 2016)

"So what are you doing today?"
-
"Nothing."
-
"What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"
-
"That's right, and I'm not finished yet."

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## Wurger (Jun 17, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 17, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Jun 17, 2016)

Very logical


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## Old Wizard (Jun 17, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jun 18, 2016)

A snail has crashed into a turtle. The Police came and asked the snail how it happened.
The snail replied.... it was a moment.

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## Shinpachi (Jun 18, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jun 18, 2016)




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## javlin (Jun 19, 2016)

Lucky13 said:


> “Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.”



Hell Jan that sounds like "if momma ain't happy nobody is"


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## at6 (Jun 19, 2016)

99 times out of 100 Mama ain't happy because she hasn't been gettin' any.


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## Lucky13 (Jun 20, 2016)

Bacon?

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## Wayne Little (Jun 20, 2016)




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## javlin (Jun 21, 2016)

A kind of humor but needs to be true.

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## Wurger (Jun 22, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 22, 2016)

Yep that should do it...


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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 22, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 23, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 24, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 24, 2016)

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. 
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jun 25, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 26, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 26, 2016)




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## Shinpachi (Jun 27, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jun 27, 2016)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 27, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 28, 2016)

I like it....


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## GrauGeist (Jun 30, 2016)

It doesn't seem like I've seen this one posted here, so far, but I saw this today and had to share! 

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifiis using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..."

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## Old Wizard (Jun 30, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 1, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 2, 2016)

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

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## Wurger (Jul 2, 2016)




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## GrauGeist (Jul 2, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 3, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jul 4, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 5, 2016)



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## at6 (Jul 5, 2016)

I finally figured out why Bill and Hillary only had one child. The sex was great until he heard Hillary speak.


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## Wayne Little (Jul 6, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 6, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Jul 6, 2016)

*A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."*

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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 6, 2016)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Jul 7, 2016)

good one...


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2016)




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## gumbyk (Jul 8, 2016)

Thought I'd give some words of inspiration for a Friday afternoon...

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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2016)

you set a high bar...


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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 10, 2016)

We're going to Latvia .....

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## Wurger (Jul 10, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 10, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 11, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2016)

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

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## Wurger (Jul 12, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Jul 12, 2016)

I made a big mistake by giving my dog a phone to text me at work....

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## Wayne Little (Jul 12, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 12, 2016)




----------



## Snautzer01 (Jul 12, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Jul 12, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 12, 2016)

LOL


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## Old Wizard (Jul 12, 2016)

It's a dogs life!


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## Snautzer01 (Jul 12, 2016)

Sometimes my dog is impossible...

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## Wurger (Jul 12, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Jul 13, 2016)

.

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## Old Wizard (Jul 13, 2016)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 13, 2016)

LMAO!!!!!!!


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## Wurger (Jul 14, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Jul 14, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 14, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 14, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Jul 14, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 14, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 14, 2016)

Timely ....

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## Old Wizard (Jul 14, 2016)




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## at6 (Jul 15, 2016)

. "No Where Here To Go".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flames were shootin' from my butt
That bowl began to smoke
I turned around to flush it down
That's when the handle broke
Paint was peelin' off the walls
Green vapor filled the air
In the stalls next door they screamed"No more".
"We're losing all our hair"!!!!!!!!!
It's not much fun to call 911
Just hear them say
"Hold that gas inside your a$$
and call the EPA".
Soon they're pounding on the door
"We've been looking for you".
"We're going to take your rump to a nearby dump
And bury your toxic poo".
My belly began to ache and then it started to swell
I scream and shout
"Ive got to let it out"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They told me to go to hell.
The devil met me with a grin when I finally got down below
He said "My friend you've got to hold that in
There's nowhere here to go".

By Me


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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 19, 2016)

Lucky it didn't hit the fan....


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## Old Wizard (Jul 21, 2016)

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt M1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know

who's been sleeping with my wife."


A voice from the back of the room called out,


"You need more ammo!”

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## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 21, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 21, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 22, 2016)

A naked women robbed a bank. 

Nobody could remember her face.

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## fubar57 (Jul 22, 2016)



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## Wurger (Jul 22, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2016)




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## javlin (Jul 23, 2016)

Little Johnny Meets Hillary Clinton"
Hillary was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms. Clinton if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Clinton. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Hillary searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Clinton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the roo

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## Old Wizard (Jul 23, 2016)




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## Geedee (Jul 23, 2016)

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

...
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''

He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,'' That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod
with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?''

He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

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## Capt. Vick (Jul 23, 2016)

"Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated individual" - Unknown

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## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2016)

Some great jokes...


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## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 24, 2016)

Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear on top of his trousers.....

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## Old Wizard (Jul 25, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 25, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 25, 2016)

Chuck Norris' tears treat cancer. The problem is that Chuck Norris never cries.

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## Wayne Little (Jul 25, 2016)

That's a problem then.....


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## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2016)




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## at6 (Jul 27, 2016)

Bill Clinton decided to join a Native American tribe. His new name was Broken zipper. He was kicked out for asking the chief's wife for a "Lewinsky".


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## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2016)




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## Wurger (Jul 28, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 28, 2016)




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## Geedee (Jul 28, 2016)

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PILOT IF:
1. Your stall warning plays "DIXIE."
2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.
4. You've ever used moonshine as AVGas.
5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.
6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.
8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee. 
9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a wind sock.
10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."
11. You've never flown a nosewheel airplane.
12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."
13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from Walmart.
14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.
15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.
16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.
17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.
18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying for over 20-years.
19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.
20. You consider anything over 100-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.
21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere." 
22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.
23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco on the left.
24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.
25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.
26. You've ever landed on Main street for a cup of coffee.
27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.
28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.
29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.
30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical fin.
31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.
32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."
33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.
34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.
35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM frequency heard you say, "Hey Y'all - - Watch this!"

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## Old Wizard (Jul 28, 2016)

Not a joke, but humorous in a sad way.

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5cR6JpRCnM_


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## Wayne Little (Jul 29, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2016)




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## Airframes (Jul 31, 2016)

I went to the Doctor's the other day. Told him I was convinced I was a Moth.
He said he couldn't help me, and that I needed to see a psychiatrist.
I said I was on the way there, when I saw his light on .....................

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## Gnomey (Jul 31, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 31, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2016)

Chuck Norris once peed in a truck's gas tank as a joke. The truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

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## Wurger (Aug 2, 2016)




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## Wurger (Aug 2, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 2, 2016)

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses. 
The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
The End.

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## Old Wizard (Aug 2, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 3, 2016)

I'm sensing more real world truth than funny there......

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## Airframes (Aug 3, 2016)

Yep.


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## Crimea_River (Aug 3, 2016)

Reminds me of a sign in an auto repair shop. Goes something like:

Labour Rate: $70/hour
If you want to watch: $90/hour
If you want to help: $120/hour

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## Wurger (Aug 3, 2016)




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## at6 (Aug 3, 2016)

I once worked for a company or two like that one with the canoe race. Pep talks and meetings to" boost performance" with incentive programs, increased out put quotas, and if you got any injury trying to meet or exceed standards, there were written warnings and after two warnings, a paper cut was final termination. The paper cut part is no joke as that is how I left my final job before taking early retirement.


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## fubar57 (Aug 3, 2016)

The I.O.C. went a little too far with their doping decision about the Rio Games...

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## Wurger (Aug 3, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 3, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 3, 2016)

I dunno, she's kinda cute.


----------



## at6 (Aug 3, 2016)

Isn't that Jan's new lady?


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## Wayne Little (Aug 4, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Aug 4, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 5, 2016)

*A simple way to explain politics ...
*
I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"
He said "NO!"
I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!!!
He said "OKAY!"
I got in contact with Bill Gates and told him "I want your daughter to marry
my son!"
He said "NO!"
I told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"
I went to the President of the World Bank and told him to make my son CEO of
the Bank!
He said "NO!"
I told him my son was Bill Gates' Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!"
And that’s exactly how Politics works ....

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## Wurger (Aug 5, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 5, 2016)

Don't know whether to giggle or barf.


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## michaelmaltby (Aug 5, 2016)

*This is what we’ve come to:

WELCOME to 2016 
*
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless 
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless 
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children - Mannerless
� Country - Godless 
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS, 
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
And frankly ....
_I'm scared - Shitless!_

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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 7, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 7, 2016)

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
*This made me smile!*
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! 
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 9, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 10, 2016)

My dog texted me again ..

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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 11, 2016)

Time to get back at the mudd..

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## Wayne Little (Aug 11, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2016)

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

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## Old Wizard (Aug 13, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2016)




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## at6 (Aug 14, 2016)

Sweet dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Wayne Little (Aug 15, 2016)

at6 said:


> View attachment 350338
> 
> Sweet dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



When...?


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## michaelmaltby (Aug 15, 2016)

.... it's not a _one-night-_stand


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## Crimea_River (Aug 15, 2016)

Nor is the alternative. More like one that will steal your money, leave, and set fire to your house while you're in the shower.

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## Gnomey (Aug 15, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 16, 2016)

I needed a password eight characters long.......so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

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## Crimea_River (Aug 16, 2016)

Most that I need to remember have special characters. Maybe Rain Man?


----------



## GarudaMP (Aug 22, 2016)

Why can't the poor man's son pass the exam?

Because he couldn't pay attention in class!

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## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 22, 2016)



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## at6 (Aug 22, 2016)

Saw a face book picture with a KFC sign that advertised a Hillary Special. Two fat thighs, Two small breasts, and one left wing.

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## GarudaMP (Aug 23, 2016)

Budget cuts in the USAF forced the airmen to take drastic measures.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 23, 2016)

This isn't Greece, is it?  Trump-related?

Fifteen hundred possibly drunk Americans successfully invade Canada via the St. Clair River


----------



## at6 (Aug 23, 2016)

What, they weren't granted asylum?

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## Old Wizard (Aug 23, 2016)

They were so drunk, they went back.

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## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2016)




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## GarudaMP (Aug 26, 2016)

The conspiracy theory is strong in this one.

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## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 26, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 28, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 1, 2016)

Figures ...

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## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 2, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 2, 2016)

_A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 
'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. 
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. 
You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, 
that's the same as putting it in!' _

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## Old Wizard (Sep 3, 2016)




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## Wurger (Sep 3, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Sep 3, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 6, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 6, 2016)

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 
Man: 'What sins?' 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

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## Wurger (Sep 6, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2016)




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## GarudaMP (Sep 6, 2016)

A lieutenant says to one of his men:

"That friend of yours over there is a very good shot."

The man replied "Indeed he is, sir, but I have a feeling that we should run a check on his personal background."

"And why is that?", the lieutenant asked.

"Because, for some reason, he carefully cleans his rifle of his fingerprints every time his shot hits his target."

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## Wayne Little (Sep 7, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 7, 2016)

My dog has "little"problems

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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 7, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Sep 8, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 10, 2016)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Sep 13, 2016)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2016)

....and now time for commercials....


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 13, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2016)

Imagine modelling your own stuff....the bird looks nice though, this must be from the pre-hippocroccofrog era....


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## Wurger (Sep 13, 2016)




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## Airframes (Sep 13, 2016)

I'm watching you ............ Muppet !
I admit though, the bird does look rather like a girlfriend I had in the mid 1970's.


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## at6 (Sep 13, 2016)

Look! She has real boobies, not rubber!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Old Wizard (Sep 13, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 14, 2016)

Airframes said:


> I admit though, the bird does look rather like a girlfriend I had in the mid 1970's.



That's one on the right, correct?


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## Airframes (Sep 15, 2016)

Of course - you didn't think I'd go for blue, surely ?


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## Lucky13 (Sep 15, 2016)

From the days in the car business....do you still have that outfit old boy?


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## Airframes (Sep 15, 2016)

No old chap, I included it in the sale of my Escort, as shown below.

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## Crimea_River (Sep 15, 2016)




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## Wurger (Sep 15, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2016)




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## at6 (Sep 15, 2016)

Wasn't Shirley his name?


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## Old Wizard (Sep 17, 2016)

These aren't mine, but enjoy.

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## Wurger (Sep 17, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 19, 2016)

I've got nothing here.....


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## at6 (Sep 19, 2016)

Lucky13 said:


> I've got nothing here.....
> 
> View attachment 352886


Looks like English to me.


----------



## at6 (Sep 19, 2016)



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## at6 (Sep 19, 2016)

Found two good ones for you to enjoy.


----------



## at6 (Sep 19, 2016)

Another good use for bacon.


----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 19, 2016)

at6 said:


> Looks like English to me.



Yip....that's what I thought as well!


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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 21, 2016)

My kind of gun debate

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## Wayne Little (Sep 21, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 25, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 25, 2016)




----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2016)



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## Wurger (Sep 26, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 26, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Sep 27, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 27, 2016)

How i got my dog.

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## Old Wizard (Sep 27, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Sep 28, 2016)



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## Snautzer01 (Sep 28, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Sep 28, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 29, 2016)




----------



## Snautzer01 (Sep 29, 2016)

Black live matters could have found a point regarding police training.


----------



## michaelmaltby (Sep 29, 2016)

Prospects ......

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## Old Wizard (Sep 29, 2016)

Watch this.
Are the Police Racist?

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## at6 (Sep 29, 2016)

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were scheduled to appear at one her rallies together. When Hillary saw Bernie all pale with a dripping nose, she was shocked.
Hillary: "Bernie!!!!!!!! Are you alright!!!!!!!!?"
Bernie: " Oh Hillary!!!!! It was awful. As I was on my way here, I walked by a Mosque where I spied a quarter on the sidewalk. When I bent over to pick it up, out swarmed 50, no 100, or was it 200 sex-crazed Moose limbs. They began having their way with me and each time I tried to say bad, all they heard was Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I was only able to scare them off when I remembered to SQUEAL LIKE A PIG."

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## Old Wizard (Sep 29, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Sep 30, 2016)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 1, 2016)




----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 2, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 2, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Oct 2, 2016)




----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 2, 2016)




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## Airframes (Oct 2, 2016)

Or Jan ............


----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 3, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Oct 3, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 4, 2016)




----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 4, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Oct 4, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 5, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 5, 2016)

Call me Roger.

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## Old Wizard (Oct 5, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 7, 2016)

This is how we look as the bartender comes back with the drinks

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## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 7, 2016)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 8, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 9, 2016)

Most popular ice cream in Holland for some reasons

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## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2016)

I wonder why???


----------



## Old Wizard (Oct 9, 2016)




----------



## Capt. Vick (Oct 9, 2016)

Panzer Slippers

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## at6 (Oct 10, 2016)

I'll have some ice cream please.


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 10, 2016)

Now that's cool Jim....


----------



## Crimea_River (Oct 10, 2016)

With Zimmerit!


----------



## Airframes (Oct 10, 2016)

Or is it Zimmerstitch ..... ?


----------



## Old Wizard (Oct 10, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 10, 2016)

The presidential debates very much need a different kind of moderator. I propose him:


..

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## Wayne Little (Oct 11, 2016)

Agree with that.....

How many trucks are required to haul the bullsh!t away...when they are done...


----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 11, 2016)

It'd take an army of these, about a week to haul all that sh*t away....

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## Lucky13 (Oct 11, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 11, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 11, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 11, 2016)




----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 12, 2016)

Language ....

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## Wurger (Oct 12, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 12, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 12, 2016)

Germans....

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## Wayne Little (Oct 13, 2016)




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## Wurger (Oct 13, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 13, 2016)

I also have a cat.... with an attitude...


----------



## Old Wizard (Oct 13, 2016)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2016)



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----------



## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 13, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2016)

NICE !


----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2016)



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## Airframes (Oct 14, 2016)

Why is that dog wearing Jan's_* pink *_high heel shoes ?!!


----------



## Wurger (Oct 14, 2016)

Has the dog borrowed them from?


----------



## Airframes (Oct 14, 2016)

If it has, Jan will be livid !


----------



## Capt. Vick (Oct 14, 2016)



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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2016)

Airframes said:


> If it has, Jan will be livid !



I can image that. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.


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## Gnomey (Oct 14, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 14, 2016)




----------



## fubar57 (Oct 15, 2016)



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## Capt. Vick (Oct 15, 2016)

I wonder what the story is behind that picture.


----------



## fubar57 (Oct 15, 2016)

Ask and ye shall receive, Jim...

The DIY Spitfire Repairman


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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2016)

Airframes said:


> Why is that dog wearing Jan's_* pink *_high heel shoes ?!!





Airframes said:


> If it has, Jan will be livid !



I'm quite innocent old, that's from the latest bust in Hippocroccofrog Town, in your area....


----------



## fubar57 (Oct 16, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 16, 2016)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 16, 2016)

Master Wayne?


----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 16, 2016)



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## Wurger (Oct 16, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 16, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2016)

Lucky13 said:


> Master Wayne?
> 
> View attachment 354973




and this is your Tamiya Stash?


----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 17, 2016)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 18, 2016)

My favourite time of the day....


----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 18, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2016)




----------



## Glider (Oct 18, 2016)

If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you

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## Lucky13 (Oct 19, 2016)

....or as Terry would put it;

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 19, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 19, 2016)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 19, 2016)



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## Wurger (Oct 19, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 19, 2016)




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## at6 (Oct 20, 2016)

There I was pleasuring Hillary when her bag fell off. For the next weeks every time I went to the urinal I had to scream,"Come out you coward. It's only to pee!!!!!!!!!!"

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## Capt. Vick (Oct 20, 2016)

fubar57 said:


> Ask and ye shall receive, Jim...
> 
> The DIY Spitfire Repairman



GEO, YOU ARRRRRRRRRE THE INFORMATION MAN!!!!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2016)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2016)

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 22, 2016)




----------



## Snautzer01 (Oct 22, 2016)



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----------



## Wurger (Oct 23, 2016)




----------



## Elmas (Oct 24, 2016)

Latest stealth technology

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## Elmas (Oct 24, 2016)

Modern art masterpiece

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## Wurger (Oct 24, 2016)




----------



## Elmas (Oct 24, 2016)

The right way to learn to fly

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----------



## Elmas (Oct 24, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Oct 24, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2016)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 25, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 25, 2016)

Right on Jan...


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## Lucky13 (Oct 25, 2016)

Wayne Little said:


> Right on Jan...



Too right Master Wayne!


----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 26, 2016)

Man, it's not Life and death....it's more important than that....


----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 26, 2016)

Any truth in this gentlemen?


----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 26, 2016)




----------



## Old Wizard (Oct 26, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2016)




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## javlin (Oct 26, 2016)

This one's been around methinks but still brought a smile 
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to
be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a
billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an
Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen
door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you,
Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore."

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## Old Wizard (Oct 27, 2016)




----------



## Wayne Little (Oct 28, 2016)

Excellent...


----------



## Gnomey (Oct 28, 2016)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 29, 2016)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Oct 29, 2016)

*Email? ..... what email?*


----------



## at6 (Oct 29, 2016)

You just had to post that picture before I've had Breakfast. Now even bacon has lost all appeal.

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## Wurger (Oct 29, 2016)

Now it is funny...


----------



## fubar57 (Oct 29, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2016)




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## Night Fighter Nut (Oct 29, 2016)

Looking over some old Bob Hope jokes and came across one I thought was pretty good. Bob talks about his youth and how the clothes were passed down from brother to brother. Since Bob was the seventh in line his pants were pretty thin of cloth. So thin in fact that he could sit on a quarter and tell you if it was heads or tails. When his younger brother got those pants, he could do the same thing with a dollar bill.

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## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2016)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 30, 2016)

Not me btw....


----------



## at6 (Oct 30, 2016)

Who sent you pics of my stash?


----------



## Wurger (Oct 31, 2016)




----------



## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 31, 2016)

Didn't think it was you Jan.

a) stash isn't big enough
b) the guy is building something

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## Airframes (Oct 31, 2016)

.... and there isn't any booze in sight !

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## Wayne Little (Nov 1, 2016)

and don't point any fingers in my direction either....


----------



## Night Fighter Nut (Nov 1, 2016)




----------



## Wayne Little (Nov 2, 2016)

Smiles accepted....


----------



## Lucky13 (Nov 2, 2016)

Hang on....ma bad, I posted the pic upside down earlier....whoooops! Sorry!
Now it's right!


----------



## Wurger (Nov 2, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 2, 2016)




----------



## Robert Porter (Nov 2, 2016)

Lucky13 said:


> Not me btw....
> 
> View attachment 356126


Please add me to your will! Those unfinished kits will get a great home I promise!!!!

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## Robert Porter (Nov 2, 2016)

So a young police officer has decided to hang out near a bar at closing time. The bar is famous for overserving guests. A little before closing time he spies a gentleman weaving his way towards the parking lot. He stumble a bit and fumbles with his keys dropping them several times. 

The police man realizes he has a live one and watches intently. In the meantime the rest of the bar is emptying and people are leaving. The gentleman finally gets his keys to work and carefully climbs in. The policeman notices the wipers come on but not the lights and of course not a drop of rain in the sky.

Eventually the hapless driver gets the lights on and carefully navigates his car haltingly to the roadway. The rest of the patrons are no gone.

As the suspected drunk begins to slowly motor away the police man pulls behind and puts the lights on and pulls the driver over. Confidently he strides up and looks at the driver and states: "So had a bit to drink tonight have we sir?" The driver says no officer not a drop, I am the DD tonight. 

The policeman looks puzzled and says "Designated Driver?" and the gentleman replies, "No, the Designated Decoy".

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## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2016)




----------



## Old Wizard (Nov 3, 2016)




----------



## Crimea_River (Nov 3, 2016)

If only drunk driving was funny.

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## Robert Porter (Nov 3, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> If only drunk driving was funny.


Oh I agree, but then you could say that about practically any topic one picks to joke about. It was obviously meant tongue very firmly in cheek and not meant to offend.


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## Crimea_River (Nov 3, 2016)

I'm not offended, believe me, as I don't offend easily. However, I am very interested in trying to change attitudes when I feel the need. There were jokes about rape in some earlier posts that I also spoke up about as I find that to be unacceptable.

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## Robert Porter (Nov 3, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> I'm not offended, believe me, as I don't offend easily. However, I am very interested in trying to change attitudes when I feel the need. There were jokes about rape in some earlier posts that I also spoke up about as I find that to be unacceptable.


I do indeed understand and appreciate your thoughts.


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## Robert Porter (Nov 3, 2016)

So a less controversial story. In the service I was a Security Specialist. I primarily secured nuclear silos with the 90th MSS based in Cheyenne Wyoming. But we were also trained in flight line security especially of the ready bomber fleet with SAC and the ready response fighter groups. 

One of the stories that often made the rounds was of a particularly enthusiastic young officer in training. Pilots in general, and fighter pilots in particular are often a very superstitious lot. Apparently this young pilot with instructor in tow showed up and asked for his aircraft "keys" to begin a flight. He was given a particular aircraft which was not his usual one. This upset the young officer and he berated the NCO in charge of assignments. The NCO explained that this was the only currently available aircraft as the one he was used to was down for maintenance. 

The officer replied "I can see my plane, its right there on the ramp, its not in the hanger, I want that one." After going back and forth for awhile the training officer said to let him have his plane and with a wink walked out with the young fellow to do the preflight. 

Apparently the young fellow walked all the way round, did all his checks, then climbed into the cockpit to begin his checks there. Looking puzzled he shouted down that nothing was working. The training officer was standing near the nose of the aircraft and asked him to come take a peek at the engine. 

The young officer clambered back down and took a look into the intake scoop and said he saw no problems. The training officer commented with a drawl "Ya think an engine might help?" The young fellow looked again and went as red as possible. Turned out the engine had been pulled for work. 

The status board clearly showed the issue but the young fellow was too fixated on getting "his" plane to catch it.

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## Crimea_River (Nov 3, 2016)

Nothing like getting back at a cocky ba$tard!

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 4, 2016)

Truth is stranger than fiction ...

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## Wurger (Nov 4, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 4, 2016)

You Canadians better not build a wall..............................


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 4, 2016)

... we're building a _bridge_, don't you know

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## Robert Porter (Nov 4, 2016)

A friend and former co-worker was a KC-135 Tanker pilot, this would have been in the mid 70's if I remember correctly. He was the command pilot and they were taking a fellow pilot, a fighter pilot, up as an observer one time.

The tanker, fully loaded, trundled to the end of the taxiway and turned onto the active runway. Once they had received clearance they advanced throttles pretty much to the max and began to slowly gather speed. The fighter pilot became more and more nervous as he watched markers go by. 

Finally he apparently could not contain himself and strongly suggested they abort the takeoff before they ran out of runway as he did not think the tanker was ever going to lift off. The co-pilot laconically observed that they were way past abort distance unless he considered a fireball a valid abort option. 

At very near the end of the runway my pilot friend remarked to the co-pilot, "ready... rotate." calmly. They eased back and she began to nose up and climb... very slowly. By this time the fighter pilot was almost catatonic and mumbling prayers to the aviation gods. 

After the mission ended and the tanker returned to base, the fighter pilot allowed as how tanker pilots were absolutely totally insane and such aircraft simply were not meant to fly!

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## Robert Porter (Nov 4, 2016)

My fathers uncle, my namesake, was an army cook in WW2 in the pacific theatre. Apparently they rarely saw direct enemy action as they were usually on islands that were considered rear area and largely pacified. Occasionally they would suffer air attacks and the odd sniper or two so they were not completely out of the action but it was rare.

He used to love telling a story about a young fellow cook from Alabama that was highly ticked off at being a cook and wanted more than anything to be a front line soldier. This fellow carried around a rifle he had acquired everywhere on the odd chance he would encounter an enemy soldier. He constantly reassured his fellow cooks that he could and would protect them should they come under attack.

Well one night after a rare daylight sniper attack my uncle got together with some friends and thought they would have some fun with him. They slept in these wood framed canvas tents with 4 bunks one in each corner. They had rigged a flour bag up with a rope and some pulleys along with a small bucket of water placed strategically over the young fellows bunk.

After lights out, they started to pull the rope which made the bag slither across the top of the tent. The young fellow in a most intense whisper stated there was an enemy sneaking up on them on the roof! He intently tracked the noise as it came closer and closer to him, his trusty rifle at the ready. Just as the sound stopped above him the bag knocked the bucket over and water began leaking onto the poor fellow. 

With a bellow he exclaimed "He's pissing on me!" and emptied the clip of his rifle through the tent peak causing flour to fly everywhere! It also apparently woke the camp and caused no end of extra kitchen and guard duty for my uncle and his cohorts!

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## at6 (Nov 4, 2016)

michaelmaltby said:


> Truth is stranger than fiction ...
> View attachment 356388


Where are Donald and Bill's left hands?

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## Old Wizard (Nov 4, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 4, 2016)




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## Wurger (Nov 4, 2016)



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## michaelmaltby (Nov 4, 2016)

".... Where are Donald and Bill's left hands?"

The _ladies_ aren't complaining ...

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## Wayne Little (Nov 6, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 6, 2016)



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## Thorlifter (Nov 6, 2016)




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## Wurger (Nov 6, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 6, 2016)




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## at6 (Nov 7, 2016)

When did Hillary start handing out ballots?

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## Wayne Little (Nov 7, 2016)

Damn.......Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 7, 2016)

"... When did Hillary start handing out ballots?"

'_ballots_' is it then


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## at6 (Nov 7, 2016)

There is no way to rate the above photos. Too busy vomiting to select anything.

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## Old Wizard (Nov 7, 2016)




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## at6 (Nov 7, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 8, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 8, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 9, 2016)




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## at6 (Nov 9, 2016)




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## pbehn (Nov 9, 2016)

Thankyou USA for the best laugh since the Brexit vote, I think the ridiculously pro Clinton BBC are about to declare a week of mourning, they do report chaos on the worlds markets with the FTSE 100 plunging down by a massive 0.2% and the pound collapsing up by 0.3%. (9.30AM UK time)

As a UK citizen I observe the US elections but it is for the USA to decide, I do wish the UK media especially our so called independent BBC would do the same. 

Meanwhile all UK politicians who made stupid outbursts about Trump months ago, to the point of debating whether he should be banned from the UK, will be dreading the camera and microphone and the arrival of the new President, so, more laughs to come, they should have shown some manners, politeness and most importantly a lot more intelligence.

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## at6 (Nov 9, 2016)

Like him or loath him, Trump is the first President that in my life time with no obligations to any special interests. For a time I was skeptical about how serious he was about being elected and began to believe that he was really trying to get Hillary elected. All of the left wing slime bank rolling her woke up this morning to find that we the people peed in their Cheerios. While I may wonder what the next 4 to 8 years may hold, at least it won't be more of the last 8 years.

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## pbehn (Nov 9, 2016)

Trump is a President I didnt elect, at present the EU has five presidents no one elected running around looking as if they are chewing wasps and trying to think what to say after what they have said in the past. In view of the vote getting the wrong result EU leaders are waiting for the re run. Fffffing hilarious.

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 9, 2016)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2016)

How long to Trumpgate?

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## Wurger (Nov 9, 2016)




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## Airframes (Nov 9, 2016)

Can't help thinking about another definition of the word 'Trump' ...............


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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2016)

Oh really now!


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 9, 2016)

"... How long to Trumpgate?"

We'll see Weiner-Gate first

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## pbehn (Nov 9, 2016)

Yesterday I heard " A Clintonabra of scandals" sounded funny but I have no idea what it is supposed to mean.


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## Crimea_River (Nov 9, 2016)

More refugees for Canada?

Move to Canada! Ottawa's immigration website crashed as Donald Trump approached victory


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## gumbyk (Nov 9, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 9, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> More refugees for Canada?
> 
> Move to Canada! Ottawa's immigration website crashed as Donald Trump approached victory


Nooooo. We've got enough stupid people here already.

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## Wurger (Nov 9, 2016)

These guys in Oz know how to have good fun.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 10, 2016)

That's a Drop bear lining up his next target below.....


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## Wurger (Nov 10, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 10, 2016)

Dewey Defeats Truman

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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2016)




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## Elmas (Nov 10, 2016)

_View: https://youtu.be/lmS6c7lQxpU_


A blonde that had her blonde moment...

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## at6 (Nov 10, 2016)

With her beauty who cares about brains. Everything you could want in a wife.

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## Wurger (Nov 11, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> More refugees for Canada?
> 
> Move to Canada! Ottawa's immigration website crashed as Donald Trump approached victory

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## Crimea_River (Nov 11, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 11, 2016)

Tell me about it! Who knew moose could move so quickly!


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 12, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Nov 13, 2016)




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## Wurger (Nov 13, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 13, 2016)



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## Wurger (Nov 13, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 13, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Nov 13, 2016)



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## pbehn (Nov 13, 2016)

In a Scottish newspaper, "Scottish golf course owner gets new job in America"

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## Old Wizard (Nov 13, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 15, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 15, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2016)

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some and, munching, asks her why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”


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## Crimea_River (Nov 16, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 16, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 17, 2016)

T A R D

People with *Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder [TARD] *are characterized by a persistent unwillingness to accept that Donald Trump is going to Make America Great Again.
Individual sufferers often display signs of paranoia and delusion; in acute cases psychotic episodes have been observed. Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is different from being upset about the results of the 2016 presidential election. People with TARD are unwilling or unable to accept reality, despite irrefutable evidence. According to the DSM-V, individuals with TARD exhibit most or all of the following symptoms: - Telling others they are moving to Canada - Fixated on fantasies about the Electoral College.


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## Old Wizard (Nov 17, 2016)

Twits!


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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2016)




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## gumbyk (Nov 17, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Nov 18, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 18, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Nov 18, 2016)

Been there done that....


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## Wurger (Nov 18, 2016)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 18, 2016)

Man, so true!


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 18, 2016)

The jokes keep writing themselves, eh Jan 

‘Feminist’ Snow-Plowing System Brings Stockholm to a Standstill


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## Lucky13 (Nov 18, 2016)

What can I say....

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## Gnomey (Nov 18, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 18, 2016)

Twits!


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## Wurger (Nov 19, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Nov 19, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 19, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 19, 2016)

....any questions?

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## Old Wizard (Nov 20, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2016)



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## Wurger (Nov 20, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 20, 2016)

A song for the times ... 

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLpE1Pa8vvI_

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 20, 2016)

Try walking into a restaurant and ordering a toasted LGBT sandwich on whole wheat ....

Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato. Delish.


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## Snautzer01 (Nov 20, 2016)

47 fact about the UK

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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 22, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Nov 22, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 23, 2016)




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## Wurger (Nov 23, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Nov 23, 2016)

Had to share!

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## Old Wizard (Nov 23, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 24, 2016)

Good one!


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## Airframes (Nov 24, 2016)

And I bet you didn't know that the Cessna was about to tow the 747 into the air ....... some airlines will go to extraordinary lengths in the name of fuel economy !

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## Robert Porter (Nov 24, 2016)

Airframes said:


> And I bet you didn't know that the Cessna was about to tow the 747 into the air ....... some airlines will go to extraordinary lengths in the name of fuel economy !


The day they ask us as passengers to start flapping our arms is the day I stop flying!


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## Bernhart (Nov 25, 2016)

not eating anymore turkey after thanksgiving, seems always too much and you are left eating it for weeks. So after today I am quitting cold turkey!

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## Wurger (Nov 25, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 25, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Nov 27, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 27, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 28, 2016)

Good one!


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## Snautzer01 (Nov 28, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 28, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 29, 2016)




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## Wurger (Nov 29, 2016)



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## Robert Porter (Nov 29, 2016)

I tried to build that puzzle once! It was delicious!


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## Snautzer01 (Nov 29, 2016)



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## Wurger (Nov 29, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Nov 29, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Nov 29, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Nov 29, 2016)




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## fubar57 (Nov 29, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Nov 29, 2016)

I'll bite, without what? The block?


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## Wayne Little (Nov 30, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 30, 2016)

Geo the detective. Very observant!


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## bobbysocks (Nov 30, 2016)

Robert Porter said:


> I'll bite, without what? The block?



maybe the knee??

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## Wurger (Nov 30, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Nov 30, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 2, 2016)

My favorite mythical creature? .......The honest politician.

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## Wurger (Dec 2, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2016)



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## Wurger (Dec 3, 2016)




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## Wurger (Dec 3, 2016)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2016)



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## Robert Porter (Dec 3, 2016)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 359306


Using this one for the wife!


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## Old Wizard (Dec 3, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 3, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 4, 2016)

Jan, your not supposed to show everyone what your padded cell looks like....

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## Wurger (Dec 4, 2016)



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## michaelmaltby (Dec 4, 2016)

show me the matching tanker with the rum

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## Wurger (Dec 4, 2016)

The tank would have to be bigger , at least , twice.

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## Wurger (Dec 4, 2016)



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## michaelmaltby (Dec 4, 2016)

good boots


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## Old Wizard (Dec 4, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 5, 2016)

http://www.ourlighterside.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Car-jacking113-2.mp4

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## Gnomey (Dec 5, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Dec 5, 2016)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 5, 2016)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 6, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 6, 2016)



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## Wurger (Dec 6, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 6, 2016)

Any comments Master Wayne?

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## Wurger (Dec 6, 2016)




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## Capt. Vick (Dec 6, 2016)

My dream job...

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## Wurger (Dec 6, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Dec 6, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 7, 2016)

Lucky13 said:


> Any comments Master Wayne?
> 
> View attachment 359574



Only that the pile is a bit small...

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## Wurger (Dec 7, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 7, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 8, 2016)



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## Wurger (Dec 8, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Dec 8, 2016)

Oh, the irony!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 9, 2016)

it's not a shortcut.....a make your own parking space....


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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 9, 2016)

More irony:

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## Crimea_River (Dec 9, 2016)

Tried to edit the picture to make it full size after I posted the above but NFW. Sorry....


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## Old Wizard (Dec 10, 2016)

Yup!


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## Wurger (Dec 10, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> Tried to edit the picture to make it full size after I posted the above but NFW. Sorry....



Andy , you have attached the file only without deciding of how it should be displayed. Therefore it was displayed as a small icon. When you use the Upload a File button , the Drag and Drop option or the Copy and Paste one you have to click the Full Image button of the Insert option at the Attached Files line , next to the thumbnail of your pic. The Thumbnail option is in the line too. Then the number of your attachment ( for a pic ) is inserted to your post text with proper tags. Below is an example ... please note that if the sequence "=Full" is omitted in the first tag the attached pic is displayed as the thumbnail.







Done...


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## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 10, 2016)

Wojtek, I know, I always select Full Image but this time I forgot. The probelm I have is that I can not resize the pic after I posted it using the EDIT option. The first screen that pops up contains no option to do this so I clicked MORE OPTIONS and get this:






Clicking "Full Image" from here and saving changes does not fix it. Preview button does not work at all.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 11, 2016)

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

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## Wurger (Dec 11, 2016)

Crimea_River said:


> Wojtek, I know, I always select Full Image but this time I forgot. The probelm I have is that I can not resize the pic after I posted it using the EDIT option. The first screen that pops up contains no option to do this so I clicked MORE OPTIONS and get this:
> 
> View attachment 359943
> 
> ...




I see Andy. In the case you should have tried to use the F5 key for refreshing of the screen. . I think the problem is caused by updating either of the Chrome or other changings made to the server soft. Also I have noticed that these troubles always appear when just updatings for Windows , net browsers and other soft are going to upcome. Not sure but it seems that servers get these either as the first or last. It causes that incompatibility because net browsers are still keeping the old forms cookies etc... I don't have the problem here but I use the Firefox with settings for full cleaning of the browser cache and all others available while closing the Firefox. So, each time I come here and log in again, the Firefox starts with uploading the current cookies , forms etc... that are rquired for displaying and working of the site and its pages.


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## Gnomey (Dec 11, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 11, 2016)



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## Wayne Little (Dec 12, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Dec 12, 2016)

Keep the plastic! I need it for windows!

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## Robert Porter (Dec 12, 2016)



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## vikingBerserker (Dec 12, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 12, 2016)

Oy!

More irony:

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## Old Wizard (Dec 12, 2016)




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## Wurger (Dec 13, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 14, 2016)




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## Wurger (Dec 15, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Dec 15, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Dec 15, 2016)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 15, 2016)



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## Robert Porter (Dec 15, 2016)

Oy! That's a stab in the old ironic bone!


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## Robert Porter (Dec 15, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Dec 15, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2016)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Dec 16, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 18, 2016)



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## Wurger (Dec 18, 2016)




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## Capt. Vick (Dec 18, 2016)

The Octopus?


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## Airframes (Dec 18, 2016)

The ... chomp ... hang.... chomp ... on a ....chomp ... minute ....chomp, chomp .... burp .... chomp .... it's a .... chomp, chomp.....


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## Old Wizard (Dec 18, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 18, 2016)

Ridiculous...


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## Glider (Dec 18, 2016)

Your life on a plate


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## at6 (Dec 18, 2016)

The Dead In A Minute Burger.


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## Wayne Little (Dec 19, 2016)

WTF..!!!!!


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 19, 2016)

The "My Dr. Just Bought A Boat Because I Ate This"

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## gumbyk (Dec 19, 2016)

F*#&( you Lucky!

I put on 5 pounds just looking at that burger!!!


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## gumbyk (Dec 19, 2016)

"Dear Liver,
The next couple of weeks are going to be rough.
Stay strong my little champion."


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## Snautzer01 (Dec 19, 2016)

But what's for desert? And a diet coke please...


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## Wayne Little (Dec 20, 2016)

Jesus...don't spoil it with a diet coke...

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## Wurger (Dec 20, 2016)



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## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Dec 20, 2016)

Oh, ah, well, ah excuse me! Wow that would be tough to explain. But fun to try!


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## Old Wizard (Dec 20, 2016)




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## at6 (Dec 21, 2016)

Made laugh my a$$ off until I farted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2016)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 21, 2016)

sexist jokes from the deceased ....

Zsa Zsa Gabor's Most Memorable Quotes

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## Airframes (Dec 21, 2016)

Love the quote about the 'housekeeper' ....... must mean my ex-wife was a good housekeeper !!!


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## gumbyk (Dec 21, 2016)



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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2016)




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## Old Wizard (Dec 21, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 22, 2016)




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## fubar57 (Dec 22, 2016)

I think we've all worked for this company at one time....

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## Old Wizard (Dec 22, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 22, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 23, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Dec 23, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 23, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2016)

Excellent...


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## Lucky13 (Dec 26, 2016)

Some companies aren't really up to date with some flags....

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## Wurger (Dec 26, 2016)

To be honest I don't know if I should be laughing or crying ... Human's stupidity is beyond understanding.

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## michaelmaltby (Dec 26, 2016)

ya think, Jan? 

More like: _Some cultures aren't really up to date with political reality_, if you ask me,


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## michaelmaltby (Dec 26, 2016)



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## Wurger (Dec 26, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 26, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 27, 2016)




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## v2 (Dec 27, 2016)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ_

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## Wurger (Dec 27, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Dec 27, 2016)



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## michaelmaltby (Dec 27, 2016)

.... _warm_ socks.


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## Lucky13 (Dec 27, 2016)

Wurger said:


> To be honest I don't know if I should be laughing or crying ... Human's stupidity is beyond understanding.





michaelmaltby said:


> ya think, Jan?
> 
> More like: _Some cultures aren't really up to date with political reality_, if you ask me,



All could say, when I saw it, was....what the f*ck!?


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## Gnomey (Dec 27, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Dec 27, 2016)

Kind of wonder what the Federal Republic of Germany would say about that particular flag being used?


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## Old Wizard (Dec 27, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Dec 27, 2016)

An oldie but a goodie, outside our server room and over my workbench.


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## Robert Porter (Dec 27, 2016)

We also have this outside the lab.


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## Old Wizard (Dec 27, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 28, 2016)

That's cool!


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## Airframes (Dec 28, 2016)

Gotta watch that 'stuff' - sneaky little blighters that creep up on you and do awful things !

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 28, 2016)




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## at6 (Dec 28, 2016)

I want the one for Germany. I'm too stinkin' old to be offended. It's more fun being offensive.


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## Capt. Vick (Dec 29, 2016)



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## Old Wizard (Dec 29, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Dec 29, 2016)

Rare WW2 Camo pattern, anyone know what Model Master colors I need for this?









*Edit - Made generic, not trying to poke fun at any particular country just the paint job.

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## Robert Porter (Dec 29, 2016)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 361592


Pretty sure from the smile on his face ol Nebel is enjoying being werfed!

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## Wayne Little (Dec 30, 2016)




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## Snautzer01 (Dec 30, 2016)

Introducing the country balls, depicting a country on some of its habits...

Swiss sneeze...

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 30, 2016)

Germany playing hide and seek with the rest of the guys..

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## Old Wizard (Dec 30, 2016)




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## Wurger (Dec 30, 2016)




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## Robert Porter (Dec 30, 2016)




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## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2016)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 31, 2016)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 1, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 1, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2017)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 2, 2017)

Russia ball and the fortune teller

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## Wurger (Jan 2, 2017)

It's the Russia ball but not the Poland one. Edited...


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## Wurger (Jan 2, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 2, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 2, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jan 2, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 4, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 4, 2017)




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## at6 (Jan 4, 2017)

If your girlfriend goes vegetarian and refuses to accept meat, paint it green and tell her it's a cucumber.

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## Wurger (Jan 4, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 5, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 5, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 5, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jan 5, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 6, 2017)

Absolutely right Jan...!


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## at6 (Jan 6, 2017)

I want more kits but I don't have the money for them. You can never have too much money or too many kits.


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## Gnomey (Jan 6, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jan 8, 2017)

The US Army in Poland...

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## Robert Porter (Jan 8, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 8, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 8, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jan 8, 2017)




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## at6 (Jan 9, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jan 9, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jan 9, 2017)

Sorry but I seem to have caught this disease, and its contagious via the internet. I apologize in advance if I have spread it to any of you.


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## Wurger (Jan 9, 2017)




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## at6 (Jan 9, 2017)

Robert, Most of us have had that disease for so long that we would die if a cure was found. It's now part of our DNA.

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## Gnomey (Jan 9, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jan 9, 2017)

If your significant other ever wonders how your skills at model building can pay off, I suggest you use Juergen as an example. Working for Airbus or Boeing would be a nice pay check.

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## Old Wizard (Jan 9, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jan 10, 2017)

Hmm, hope the wife does not see this!

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## Wurger (Jan 10, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 11, 2017)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 11, 2017)

Japan...You cant play all games with America,

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## Wurger (Jan 11, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jan 11, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 12, 2017)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 12, 2017)

Just German things..

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## michaelmaltby (Jan 12, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 12, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jan 12, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 12, 2017)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 13, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 13, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 13, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 13, 2017)

Ha, ha, ha ...


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## fubar57 (Jan 13, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jan 13, 2017)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 362724


Hey I resemble that remark!


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## Snautzer01 (Jan 13, 2017)

Explaining the cool of America

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## Robert Porter (Jan 13, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 13, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jan 13, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 13, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jan 13, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jan 14, 2017)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 14, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jan 14, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 14, 2017)



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## Airframes (Jan 14, 2017)

Jan's been at the meths again I see ......................


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## Old Wizard (Jan 14, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jan 15, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 15, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 16, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 17, 2017)

Good to see nothing's changed...


----------



## Robert Porter (Jan 17, 2017)



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## vikingBerserker (Jan 17, 2017)

...and it smells better!

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## Wurger (Jan 17, 2017)

I hope you mean the enames but not Jan.

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 17, 2017)

*ENAMALS!!!!!!!*


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## Crimea_River (Jan 17, 2017)

So Jan smells worse than enamels?

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## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 18, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jan 18, 2017)




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## Airframes (Jan 18, 2017)

Er ..... different !


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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 18, 2017)

Yea, if that's on the Highway I'm not going!

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## fubar57 (Jan 18, 2017)

What a happy highway.....and then you get to listen to that for eternity

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## Robert Porter (Jan 18, 2017)

An oldie but a goodie!

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## Airframes (Jan 18, 2017)

A friend got pulled for speeding recently, doing 34 mph in a 30 mph limit area.
The Policeman asked the usual questions  - Name, address, car registration, then asked when his Birthday was.
My mate answered "August 14th".
Policeman asked "What year ?!"
Mate replied "Every year !".

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## at6 (Jan 18, 2017)

Crimea_River said:


>



After listening to that I think I just saw and heard Hell !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## at6 (Jan 18, 2017)

I've come to the realization that it's really hard to give a sh!t when you're busy taking one.

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## Wayne Little (Jan 20, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jan 20, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 20, 2017)

Amen................


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## Lucky13 (Jan 21, 2017)

Steam locomotive lives matter!!

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## Wurger (Jan 21, 2017)

Jan.. it's a very nice shot.. you could start your own diorama assembling.

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## at6 (Jan 21, 2017)

You at least give it a loco house and loco blanket.


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## Robert Porter (Jan 21, 2017)

Poor little puffer! Hope someone fires up his boiler!


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## michaelmaltby (Jan 21, 2017)

... I feel their cold, brother.


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## Gnomey (Jan 21, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 22, 2017)

My bank account is cursed....
Because every time that I check the balance, it shows less than I could have sworn that I had!

(eerie music and screams)

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## Wayne Little (Jan 22, 2017)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 22, 2017)

How a lot of Europeans feel now


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## michaelmaltby (Jan 22, 2017)

It just occurred to me that Trump has gotten more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in 8 years.

[HT Ryan, SDA]

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## michaelmaltby (Jan 22, 2017)

*E-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.*


Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.


The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well, that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers." (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

As for the Redskins name, I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dixxkheads in Congress.

[ht SDA]

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## Old Wizard (Jan 22, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 23, 2017)

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued,

"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"

An older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass ???

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## Robert Porter (Jan 23, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2017)




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## javlin (Jan 25, 2017)

When asked what he thinks about General Mattis being considered for Secretary of Defense, Rob O’Neill (the man who killed Bin Laden), said, “General Mattis has a bear rug in his home but it is not dead, it is just afraid to move”.

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## Old Wizard (Jan 25, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jan 26, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 26, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 26, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 28, 2017)

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

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## Old Wizard (Jan 28, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 28, 2017)




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## at6 (Jan 29, 2017)

Wayne Little said:


> If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?


Absolutely!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially when you're the one making jokes about it.

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 29, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jan 30, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 31, 2017)

*I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.*

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## Wurger (Jan 31, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 31, 2017)



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## vikingBerserker (Jan 31, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jan 31, 2017)




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## at6 (Feb 1, 2017)

Just out of curiosity, how many of you have ever goosed a moose?


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## Wayne Little (Feb 1, 2017)

Not me...


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## Capt. Vick (Feb 3, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 4, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 4, 2017)

LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 5, 2017)

Thanks Jim, never new I was in Cell Block 3....


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## Wurger (Feb 6, 2017)

As long as computers won't learn to fake orgasm, women may feel needed.

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 6, 2017)

.... women don't fake orgasm ..... they can't help themselves .... they're compulsive communicators ... and _facts_ aren't necessary to the transaction ... though $$$ may be

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## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 7, 2017)




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## Capt. Vick (Feb 7, 2017)

One of my favorite Gary Larson cartoons.

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## Crimea_River (Feb 7, 2017)

Larson was the best.


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## Old Wizard (Feb 7, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 8, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 8, 2017)

The greatest cartoon strip ever!


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## Elmas (Feb 8, 2017)

_




_
What do you mean with _"....you're overdoing it"_?


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## Wurger (Feb 8, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 8, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 8, 2017)

The IRS suspected a Massachusetts fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhands and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here, makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers each week to take the edge off of work, and he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

BOAT OWNER: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

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## Wurger (Feb 8, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 8, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 8, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 9, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 9, 2017)

_A VERY BIG NUMBER_

_If I give you $1 billion and you stand on a street corner handing out $1 per
second, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, you would still not have
handed out $1 billion after 31 years!!

This is too true to be funny....._

_The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax
money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency
d_ _d a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its
releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion Dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate
our government is spending it.

Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
G.S.T.
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle License / Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Carbon Dioxide Tax_

_STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago._ 

_We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world.
Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
Dad and teachers were allowed to discipline kids.
A criminal's life was uncomfortable.

What the h!!! Happened?_ 

_'Political Correctness', 'Politicians or both?'
_

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## Wurger (Feb 9, 2017)

If a man says he can repair that, he will mend that. And there is no need to remind him of that semiannually.

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 9, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 9, 2017)

A Canadian female politician wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government,complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) beingheld in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.

She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern oftreatment of the Taliban and AlQaeda terrorists captured by CanadianForces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government andare currently being held by Afghan officials inAfghanistan NationalCorrectional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions wereheard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be pleased to learn, thanksto the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new departmenthere at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals AcceptResponsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this newprogram, we have decided, on atrial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes ofconcerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under thosecitizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and isscheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared forpursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter ofcomplaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weeklyinspections to ensure that your standards of care forAhmed are commensuratewith your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that yoursensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help himovercome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing theseproblems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offercounseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hiresome assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your houseguest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you canreason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosivedevices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those itemslocked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adoptedterrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguishhuman life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advisethat you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home orwherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in ourcountry.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually,since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights,including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitivesubject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women whofail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as moreappropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offeredby the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of respecting hisculture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have acounselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like youkeep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellowman. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Minister of National Defence

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## Old Wizard (Feb 9, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 9, 2017)

I so want that to be true!

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## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2017)

I think I would second that opinion..


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## Valdez (Feb 10, 2017)

Many years ago, a young woman, with a baby boy in her arms, entered a butcher’s shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? After much haggling, the butcher offered to provide the young girl with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

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## Wurger (Feb 10, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 10, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 11, 2017)

*Aging*

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim".... I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. 

When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 11, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Feb 11, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 11, 2017)



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## Wurger (Feb 11, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 11, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Feb 12, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Feb 12, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 365397


That's Hagrid's front porch!


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## Wayne Little (Feb 13, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 13, 2017)

.... Canada is so proud
*Prime Minister Justin Trudeau appears to be the first leader of a Western country to be the subject of truck art in Pakistan, with his inclusive stance contrasting sharply with trends elsewhere in the world.*


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## Old Wizard (Feb 13, 2017)

Fop!

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## at6 (Feb 14, 2017)

Playboy has had to go back to naked girls. We knew that no one ever read it for the articles It was always about boobies and buns..


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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Feb 14, 2017)

Playboy had articles?!?!


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## fubar57 (Feb 14, 2017)



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## javlin (Feb 14, 2017)

>> Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near
the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I
don't know how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same
age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
>> "Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
>> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
>> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
>>
>> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by
the Capitol."
>> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
>> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the
leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!"
>>
>> "Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or
Republicans?"
>>
>> "I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
>> "Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you
finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there's nothing left
but an asshole and a briefcase."

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 14, 2017)

LMAO!


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## Old Wizard (Feb 15, 2017)




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## Wurger (Feb 15, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 15, 2017)




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## Wurger (Feb 15, 2017)




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## javlin (Feb 15, 2017)

David Feherty does a stand up show that is quite spectacular. It's all
about his life in golf, the drinking and lots of stories about life on the
tour. Here's one of his stories:



It was back in the 70's and a soon-to-be prominent golfer (Ray Floyd) was
playing at Augusta for his first Masters. Back then the players could not
bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals. Floyd told the
caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also
would keep quiet, no advice needed.



The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, "Hello Mr. Floyd."

Floyd said "Hello." And followed that with, "That's the last I want to
hear from you."

Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into
the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene he said out loud,
"I'm going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land
mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole."

Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said,

"How's that?"

The caddy spoke for the first time and said,

"That wasn't your ball."

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## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Feb 15, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Feb 15, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 16, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 16, 2017)




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## Wurger (Feb 16, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 16, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 16, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 19, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Feb 19, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Feb 19, 2017)

First lesson in the service, when they ask for volunteers look straight ahead, don't make eye contact, don't move, don't speak just freeze!


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## Old Wizard (Feb 19, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Feb 20, 2017)

I think it needs a coat of clear! Quickly!

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## Wurger (Feb 20, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 20, 2017)




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## at6 (Feb 20, 2017)

Definitely like the Banana Copter.

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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2017)




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## at6 (Feb 20, 2017)

Gnomey said:


>


The good thing about the Banana Copter is flying it to your destination, Peeling it, and eating it. How you get home is your problem.


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## Robert Porter (Feb 20, 2017)

It's a new strategy to feed troops. You eat your transport on arrival which then encourages you to win as you now have no retreat!


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## Robert Porter (Feb 22, 2017)

This explains a lot!

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## Old Wizard (Feb 22, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 22, 2017)

LMAO!


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## at6 (Feb 22, 2017)

She looks like she's trying to pass an electrified cactus.

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## Robert Porter (Feb 22, 2017)

And blaming her husband for letting her swallow it in the first place!


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## Snautzer01 (Feb 23, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Feb 23, 2017)

Oh he executed him as well, now he uses a "Flowby" vacuum cutter.

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 23, 2017)

Fertilizer does make things grow.................


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## at6 (Feb 23, 2017)

vikingBerserker said:


> Fertilizer does make things grow.................


 Except for his..............you know what.

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## Robert Porter (Feb 23, 2017)

A year ago I began redirecting spam email along the lines of "Make your d*** bigger to the North Korean embassy email address. Makes one wonder if perhaps somehow those emails have made their way to his inbox?


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## at6 (Feb 23, 2017)

His half-brother must have had a bigger one. In North Korea 4 inches is considered huge.


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## Lucky13 (Feb 25, 2017)



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## Wurger (Feb 25, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Feb 25, 2017)

LMFAO!!!!!!


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## Gnomey (Feb 25, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 26, 2017)



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## Wurger (Feb 26, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 26, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Feb 26, 2017)

Those darn detectors! They will have us all using drones to airdrop our kits onto the roof! At which point we will suddenly remember the need to clean the gutters again!


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## Lucky13 (Feb 27, 2017)



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## Wurger (Feb 27, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 27, 2017)




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## A4K (Feb 27, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 28, 2017)




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## Wurger (Feb 28, 2017)



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## VALENGO (Feb 28, 2017)

Njaco said:


> A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
> 
> The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
> 
> ...




I almost died laughing!!!

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## Wurger (Feb 28, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Feb 28, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Feb 28, 2017)

I think I found a video of Capt Vick buying beer! Or maybe it was Jan?

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## Old Wizard (Feb 28, 2017)

Blitzed!


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## Lucky13 (Mar 1, 2017)

It certainly wasn't me, as I buy nothing less than 24 packs!

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## Lucky13 (Mar 1, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 1, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 1, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 1, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 1, 2017)



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## Airframes (Mar 1, 2017)



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## Wurger (Mar 1, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 1, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 1, 2017)

"on the drop of the handkerchief there will be a polite exchange of bullets!"

....a polite exchange!?


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## Airframes (Mar 1, 2017)

Yep, in the same class as "friendly fire" - which is bl**dy unfriendly if aimed at oneself !!


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## Shortround6 (Mar 1, 2017)

as in "friendly fire isn't!"


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## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2017)




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## javlin (Mar 1, 2017)

Depends on Where You Live

You may have heard about the Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning that many guns and 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable".
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Minnesota & Wisconsin, he'd be called "ALMOST ready for deer season".
In Arizona, he'd be called "An avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "A novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "Moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'go-to' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "A likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "An eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "A deer hunting buddy."
In Oklahoma he'd be called "normal."
And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo"...

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## Old Wizard (Mar 1, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 2, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Mar 2, 2017)




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## at6 (Mar 2, 2017)

It being the Chinese year of the rooster, I went to the local poultry farm and promptly acquired one. On the way out a lovely young lass commented on my having a rather large rooster. I said yes indeed and my thingy's not bad either.

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## Lucky13 (Mar 3, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 3, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 3, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 3, 2017)

￼

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## Lucky13 (Mar 3, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Mar 3, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 3, 2017)

That last one is awesome!


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## michaelmaltby (Mar 3, 2017)

now go to sleep, Sheldon ....


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## Gnomey (Mar 3, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 5, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 5, 2017)



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## Wurger (Mar 5, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 5, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 5, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 6, 2017)

That's great....love it..


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## Airframes (Mar 6, 2017)



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## michaelmaltby (Mar 6, 2017)

insane or funny ....? It's a thin line 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/LSZPNwZex9s

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## Airframes (Mar 6, 2017)

"Only available on April 1st" - yeah, right !

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## Capt. Vick (Mar 6, 2017)

I thought maybe....


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## Robert Porter (Mar 6, 2017)

My son walked by while I was watching it and said "April Fools Dad" and kept walking!

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## at6 (Mar 6, 2017)

It won't be long before Uber takes over with Uber bike.


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## Old Wizard (Mar 6, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Mar 6, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Mar 7, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 7, 2017)




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## Wurger (Mar 8, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 8, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Mar 8, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Mar 8, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 9, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 9, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 12, 2017)

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. 

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” 

That’s about as far as I remember.

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## Old Wizard (Mar 12, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 12, 2017)




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## javlin (Mar 14, 2017)

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
And thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement.
A car full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me. There was a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"

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## Crimea_River (Mar 14, 2017)

Joe visits his long-time dentist Rick to get some dentures fitted. After putting them in, Joe tells him they don't feel quite right. Rick says, "Leave them in for a while. You should get used to them."

So Joe leaves the office reluctantly rubbing his jaws and returns a week later with the same complaint. Again, Rick responds, "I think you should leave them in a little longer. You should get used to them". Joe leaves and this goes on two more times.

A couple of weeks go by and Rick hasn't seen Joe so thinks all is good until one day he receives a box in the mail containing Joe's dentures. Inside is a note from Joe:

"Dear Rick,

Please find enclosed the dentures you gave me several weeks ago. Please shove them up your a$$. Leave them in there for a while. You should get used to them.

Sincerely,

Joe"

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## Robert Porter (Mar 14, 2017)

My father who at the time had recently retired from the Connecticut State Police, called me one day and asked if I would take him to the hospital. Now you have to understand my father despises the medical profession almost as much as the legal profession. He makes statements like "If a bug bites me the bug dies." and "They call a Doctors patients patient for a reason, and their overall office is called a practice for a reason, and I don't have an excess of patience nor do I wish them to practice on me."

So I knew it must be serious if he was asking to be taken to the hospital. Turned out it was, apparently not an uncommon issue for his age is there is a valve in the testes that allows fluid in, and another that allows fluid out to warm or cool them as needed. In his case the valve that let fluid out was not working and his balls were painfully large and inflamed. While uncomfortable with being in the exam room my father had asked me to stay.

In marched a fairly young looking Doctor, probably an resident or intern, who after having a look said well we can certainly help, this should not hurt much, I don't think we even need a local anesthetic. My father rumbled at the Doctor "I know". The way he said it made both of us look at him questioningly. He just said if you hurt me I will hurt you. The Doctor decided that maybe an anesthetic was called for after all!

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## Robert Porter (Mar 14, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Mar 14, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Mar 14, 2017)

Yep pretty much!

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## Old Wizard (Mar 14, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Mar 16, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Mar 16, 2017)

Too true! When I hear folks say "oh the government pays for it why should I care", I find myself having homicidal thoughts!

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## Wayne Little (Mar 16, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2017)




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## Shortround6 (Mar 16, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> Too true! When I hear folks say "oh the government pays for it why should I care", I find myself having homicidal thoughts!




Well, if the government is actually paying for something at least that money is not going right into a politicians pocket 

Although sometimes you have to wonder. State of Connecticut got 34 of these things from the Fed Government.




Don't know how many others were spread around the country. A combination mass decon shower unit and communications command post (folding antenna mast on top). Think about it for a moment.................Shower unit that can handle hundreds of people per hour combined with multiple pieces of radio equipment (separated by a hanging plastic sheet _honestly!_)
They were built in Texas during the Bush administration so I always wondered?????

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## Lucky13 (Mar 17, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 17, 2017)

Isn't this forum government funded, which could explain why we haven't seen/heard of horse!

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## Gastounet (Mar 17, 2017)

A man enters a saloon:
"Do you want to see something you have never seen before?"
"Oh yes !"
The man takes his gun:
"Do you see the three flies up there in this corner,"
Pum, pum, pum!
Thre dead flies fall on the floor
"Wow !" says everybody.
"My name is Bill, Buffalo Bill" says the man.
At this moment, another man stands up and asks:
"Do you want to see something more unusual?"
As everybody agrees, the man pulls down his pants, and everybody can see
that he has a huge penis, and six testicles.
"WOW !" shout everybody.
"Well, my name his Byl, Czerno Byl §"

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## Wurger (Mar 17, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Mar 17, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 17, 2017)




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## javlin (Mar 18, 2017)

*The husband leans over and asks his wife,*


*'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?*


*We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'*


*'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'*


*'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'*


*'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'*


*A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation*


*and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.*


*I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.*


*So he follows them.*


*The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..*


*Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..*


*The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.*


*As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..*



*Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.*


*This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises*


*and moaning and screaming.*


*Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.*


*The policeman is amazed.*


*He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.*


*After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,*


*the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.*


*The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,*


*this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.*


*So, as the couple passes, he says to them,*


*'Excuse me, but that was something else.*


*You must've had a fantastic sex life together.*


*Is there some sort of secret to this?'*


*Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,*

*'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence’*

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## Wurger (Mar 18, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 18, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 19, 2017)




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## Wurger (Mar 19, 2017)




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## Wurger (Mar 19, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2017)



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## michaelmaltby (Mar 19, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Mar 19, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2017)




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## Wurger (Mar 19, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 19, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 20, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 20, 2017)

....and here I thought....!


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## Lucky13 (Mar 20, 2017)



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## Wurger (Mar 20, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 20, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Mar 20, 2017)

I heard there was a huge riot in Canada. Hope Geo is okay!

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## Robert Porter (Mar 20, 2017)

They had to call in the Canadian Military!

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## Lucky13 (Mar 20, 2017)

Understandably, they left out the Norsemen!

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## Wayne Little (Mar 21, 2017)




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## Wurger (Mar 21, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 21, 2017)



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## Wurger (Mar 21, 2017)




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## javlin (Mar 21, 2017)

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!


While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,

and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'


'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something

about a *sunny beach..*

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window

and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment

that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again

and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!


Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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## Lucky13 (Mar 21, 2017)



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## Wurger (Mar 21, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 21, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 22, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 22, 2017)

The girls thought they were smarter than the janitor


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DQYArmi5L0_

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## Wurger (Mar 22, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 22, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 22, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 22, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 22, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 23, 2017)




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## Wurger (Mar 23, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 23, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Mar 23, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 23, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 23, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Mar 24, 2017)



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## Wurger (Mar 24, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 24, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 24, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Mar 25, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Mar 25, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2017)

Some get it really bad as well and get themself a dealer!

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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 26, 2017)




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## at6 (Mar 26, 2017)

Saw the trailer for Beauty and the beast. From the looks of the beast, it' more like Snow white gets goat boned.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 27, 2017)

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody.......

.....unless you are in prison...

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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2017)

Wayne Little said:


> One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody.......
> 
> .....unless you are in prison...



Just _what _did you do this time?

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## Robert Porter (Mar 27, 2017)

Should we put a GoFundMe page together for bail????

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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2017)

....or actually do some work!

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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Mar 27, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> Just _what _did you do this time?



Who me????

I wasn't there, nobody saw me....


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## Lucky13 (Mar 28, 2017)

Wayne Little said:


> Who me????
> 
> I wasn't there, nobody saw me....



If you weren't there, just how do you know, that nobody saw you??


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## Robert Porter (Mar 28, 2017)

I saw him!

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## Old Wizard (Mar 28, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 29, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> If you weren't there, just how do you know, that nobody saw you??



Well....I wasn't there......Hello....


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## fubar57 (Mar 29, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Mar 29, 2017)

Takes a lot of talent to be a modeler in Australia doing everything one handed while hanging on for dear life.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 30, 2017)

Tell me about it...

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## Robert Porter (Mar 30, 2017)

Just read a web page, Earhart, Elvis, and Hitler are all living together in a group in Argentina so we can all put paid to the other theory's now. Oh, and somehow or other space monkeys are involved. Hey its on the web, it _must_ be true!


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## Robert Porter (Mar 30, 2017)

So Tom and Dave, childhood friends, met at the cafe in town one morning. Tom was the local game warden and Dave was a legendary local fishermen, always caught the most but was very secretive of his special fishing holes. Tom had been badgering Dave for years to take him with him just once so he could see where he got all his fish. He of course promised on their friendship to never divulge the location to anyone else. 

Finally he wore Dave down and Dave agreed to take him the next morning. Dave told Tom he left the dock at 4AM sharpe and would not wait if Tom was not there on time. Tom stated he would be sure to be there early.

The next morning arrived, and sure enough Tom arrived as Dave was loading his boat. Tom climbed in and they motored into a small cove not to far from where they had left. Tom looked around and said he had fished here many times and never came back with the numbers that Dave did, how did Dave catch so many?

Dave reached under his seat, retrieved a small stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it into the water, BOOM! Stunned fish began to float to the surface all around the boat. Tom was horrified! He said to Dave, Dave we have been friends all our lives! But I am the game warden, how can you put me into this position!

Dave reached again under his seat pulled another stick of dynamite, lit it and passed it to Tom with the comment, you gonna keep talking or go fishing?

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## Old Wizard (Mar 30, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 2, 2017)




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## at6 (Apr 2, 2017)

Since I've been told from a young age to bless my enemies. I recite this for them. "May each bowel movement be as the passing of a barrel cactus through the anus and may each urination be as the sting of a thousand scorpions in the urethra."

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## javlin (Apr 3, 2017)

I have seen this in another version but this sounded pretty good 

A little girl leaned into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents 


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. 


The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life. The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' 


The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?' 


The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump". 


The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: 


*** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. ** *

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## Gnomey (Apr 3, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 3, 2017)

....McPanzer?

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## Old Wizard (Apr 4, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Apr 5, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Apr 5, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 5, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 6, 2017)

Glad that's been cleared up!


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## Robert Porter (Apr 6, 2017)

Just doing my PSA for the month!


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## Crimea_River (Apr 6, 2017)

I'm still alive so that means I have no guts and no balls.


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## at6 (Apr 6, 2017)

Crimea_River said:


> I'm still alive so that means I have no guts and no balls.


Speak for yourself. I learned how to out run her.


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## Crimea_River (Apr 6, 2017)

I can't outrun bullets.


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## Robert Porter (Apr 6, 2017)

Me neither! And she is a dead shot!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2017)




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## Wurger (Apr 7, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 7, 2017)




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## at6 (Apr 7, 2017)

Crimea_River said:


> I can't outrun bullets.


You gave her a firearm?

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## Old Wizard (Apr 8, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 8, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 8, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 8, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 8, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Apr 8, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 9, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Apr 9, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Apr 9, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 9, 2017)




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## Snautzer01 (Apr 10, 2017)

Quokes and Jokes



at6 said:


> You gave her a firearm?



My lady does not need a gun. When provoked she starts recalling everything I ever did do wrong.
I rather take a bullet or 2.

Boy she cant remember where she put her phone but can recite for hour every f-up i did.

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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2017)

I hear ya on that one....Women have pretty sharp memories


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## Airframes (Apr 10, 2017)

Selective memories !


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 11, 2017)

The front fell off ...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m5qxZm_JqM_


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## Lucky13 (Apr 11, 2017)

_Someone _here isn't being completely honest with us....


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## Crimea_River (Apr 11, 2017)

Great vid Mike.


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 11, 2017)

*The Confession*

Hi Bob: 

This is Alan from next door. I have a confession to make.

I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is - I've been sharing your Wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan


WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.....

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He took out his phone where he saw he had an earlier missed message from his neighbour:


Hi Bob:

This is Alan from next door again. Sorry about that typo on my last text. But I expect you figured it out anyway and that you noticed that the darned AutoCorrect changed "WiFi" to "Wife". Technology, hey??

Regards, Alan

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## Old Wizard (Apr 11, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2017)




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## Wurger (Apr 11, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 12, 2017)



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## fubar57 (Apr 12, 2017)

Still waiting for my package Jan. This may have been posted already "Toughest bridge in the world undefeated", a 10 minute compilation of all crashes uploaded between 2008 and 2016


_View: https://youtu.be/USu8vT_tfdw_


Note; in front of the bridge there is a set of blinking lights warning traffic when an over-height has been detected

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## Old Wizard (Apr 12, 2017)




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## Wurger (Apr 12, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 12, 2017)




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## at6 (Apr 12, 2017)

I just figured something out. Now I don't remember what it was.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 13, 2017)

Too much information.....


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## Crimea_River (Apr 13, 2017)

Started with the word "I"


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## at6 (Apr 13, 2017)

Crimea_River said:


> Started with the word "I"


Correction noted and duly attended to. Thanks.


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## michaelmaltby (Apr 14, 2017)

Canada's back ....

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## fubar57 (Apr 14, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Apr 14, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2017)

Next to be released from Osprey....

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## Wayne Little (Apr 16, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Apr 16, 2017)




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## Airframes (Apr 16, 2017)

So _*now*_ we know why we don't see many of Jan's models !!


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## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 17, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 17, 2017)

Terry...?

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## Old Wizard (Apr 17, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 18, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2017)




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## Airframes (Apr 18, 2017)

Cough !


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## Lucky13 (Apr 18, 2017)

Airframes said:


> Cough !


....and the second word is 'off', right?


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## Airframes (Apr 19, 2017)

Er ..... yes !


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## Wayne Little (Apr 19, 2017)

thought you might have a stronger cough Terry...


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## Airframes (Apr 19, 2017)

Could have been a fur cough ..................

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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2017)

Airframes said:


> Could have been a fur cough ..................



Usually is, when you cough up fur balls....


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## at6 (Apr 19, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> Usually is, when you cough up fur balls....


At least you used fur first.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2017)




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## javlin (Apr 21, 2017)

fubar57 said:


> Still waiting for my package Jan. This may have been posted already "Toughest bridge in the world undefeated", a 10 minute compilation of all crashes uploaded between 2008 and 2016
> 
> 
> _View: https://youtu.be/USu8vT_tfdw_
> ...




Alittle less tire pressure and you might be able to slip by


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## javlin (Apr 21, 2017)

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.
True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
"Benny...Benny..."
"My gosh... Is that_you_, Dan?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it_like?_"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens). 

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

"*What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.*"

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## Old Wizard (Apr 21, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2017)




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## Wurger (Apr 22, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2017)

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. 

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

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## Crimea_River (Apr 24, 2017)

*Mum,*

*Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?*

*The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.*

*We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.*

*We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.*

*Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.*

*This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.*

*Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.*

*
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.*

*Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?*

*I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters andbuy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.*

*Love Johnny*

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## Old Wizard (Apr 24, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Apr 25, 2017)




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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2017)




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## javlin (Apr 25, 2017)

little Johnny likes to stay in the thick of it;wherever there is trouble look for Johnny.

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## Wayne Little (Apr 26, 2017)

Blonde went in to a pet shop, and said "Can I buy a Goldfish?"

Owner said, "Do you want an Aquarium?"

Blonde replied, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”......

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## Robert Porter (Apr 26, 2017)

I am back! Found out the 4th engine is not an engine it is a wind driven turbine! That is why Russians only refuel 3 of the engines!


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## at6 (Apr 26, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> I am back! Found out the 4th engine is not an engine it is a wind driven turbine! That is why Russians only refuel 3 of the engines!
> 
> View attachment 372168


Actually, they could only afford three engines.

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## v2 (Apr 27, 2017)

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."...

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

*"To whom do you turn your back?"*

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## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Apr 27, 2017)

Nobody messes with Combat Wombats!


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## Old Wizard (Apr 27, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2017)




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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2017)

I was forced to make myself a new brew....pmsl!


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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2017)

Oh...


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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2017)

Could be one of them there legendary Hippocroccofrogs, that Terry keep talking about!


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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2017)

Yep that's it. Just the typical one.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2017)

Yip....I'm sure that Terry will confirm it shortly!


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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2017)

Not sure if he can stand the view. I hope he will make it through.


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## at6 (Apr 30, 2017)

Nah. That's just Lucky's new fiancee.


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## Airframes (Apr 30, 2017)

Uurrrgh - just filled a bucket !
Compared to the average Hippocroccofrog, that is _almost_ attractive - but still puke provoking !

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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2017)

at6 said:


> Nah. That's just Lucky's new fiancee.



How rude!


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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> How rude!



Jan, just send her to him as his BD gift.

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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2017)

Wurger said:


> Jan, just send her to him as his BD gift.



I think I will....with regards from the boys on the forum!

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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Apr 30, 2017)

My eyes feel funny after that. How do you unsee something?


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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2017)

Bacon bomb?

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## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2017)

Oh dear...


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## Robert Porter (Apr 30, 2017)

Saw this and had to share...

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## Wayne Little (May 1, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (May 1, 2017)

Well this answers a few questions...


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## at6 (May 1, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> I think I will....with regards from the boys on the forum!


How soon came she be here?


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## Wurger (May 1, 2017)

I don't think she can be very fast.


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## fubar57 (May 1, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (May 1, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 2, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 2, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 2, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 3, 2017)

If practice makes perfect....and nobody's perfect.....then why practice at all..???

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## Robert Porter (May 3, 2017)

I am perfectly practiced to be practically perfect, in practice.


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## Crimea_River (May 3, 2017)

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

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## v2 (May 4, 2017)

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 ...to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then, with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

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## Wayne Little (May 4, 2017)

Awesome...


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## Old Wizard (May 4, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 4, 2017)




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## v2 (May 5, 2017)

The Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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## Wayne Little (May 5, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (May 5, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 6, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (May 6, 2017)

There was just one lady in front of me in lime at the bank, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was very irritated ...

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" !!!

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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (May 7, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 8, 2017)

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?


Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

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## Wurger (May 8, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (May 8, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 8, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 9, 2017)

I have played the world's most dangerous sport. I disagreed with my wife

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## Old Wizard (May 9, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 10, 2017)

Wayne Little said:


> I have played the world's most dangerous sport. I disagreed with my wife



and lived....

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## Wurger (May 10, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 10, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 11, 2017)

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home

..........She moved.

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## Wurger (May 11, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (May 11, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 12, 2017)




----------



## michaelmaltby (May 13, 2017)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBf66wAMpVQ_

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## Old Wizard (May 13, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 13, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (May 13, 2017)

As another WKM says here, got me coat, (and passport) and out the door.


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## Wurger (May 13, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 14, 2017)




----------



## Wurger (May 14, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (May 14, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 15, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (May 15, 2017)

*A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.






Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and
gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f!cking blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted
The End.*

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## Wayne Little (May 16, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (May 16, 2017)



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## Crimea_River (May 16, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 16, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 16, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (May 16, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (May 16, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (May 16, 2017)



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## Wurger (May 17, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 17, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (May 17, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 18, 2017)



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## Gnomey (May 18, 2017)




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## Airframes (May 18, 2017)

It belongs to a neighhh bor ........................... I've got me coat !

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## Lucky13 (May 19, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (May 19, 2017)



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## Geedee (May 19, 2017)

The Highways Agency found over two hundred dead crows on the M4 near Slough recently, and there was immediate concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that whilst all the lookout crows could shout “Cah!” – not a single one could shout “Lorry!”

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## Shortround6 (May 19, 2017)

And you didn't even offer to get your coat....................

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## michaelmaltby (May 19, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (May 19, 2017)



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## michaelmaltby (May 19, 2017)

seems Time ripped off Mad Magazine

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## Gnomey (May 19, 2017)




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## at6 (May 19, 2017)

michaelmaltby said:


> seems Time ripped off Mad Magazine
> 
> View attachment 374545


Probably the same staff.

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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2017)



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## Wurger (May 20, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 20, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (May 20, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 22, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (May 22, 2017)

Keep hearing about the threatened use of a hammer on problem models. This is what I see in my head.


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## Old Wizard (May 22, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 23, 2017)

AA is a B!tch....


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## Gnomey (May 23, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 24, 2017)



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## michaelmaltby (May 24, 2017)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgd9hitEAE&feature=youtu.be_

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## Lucky13 (May 24, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (May 24, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (May 24, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (May 24, 2017)



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## Wurger (May 24, 2017)

A Zoo in Germany ...

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## Old Wizard (May 24, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (May 24, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (May 24, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 25, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 25, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 25, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 25, 2017)

When you used the wrong figurines for your diorama...

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## Old Wizard (May 25, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (May 26, 2017)

Now if I was a conspiracy type I would be posting that all over to prove that time travel is possible and the government is lying to us!!!!


----------



## vikingBerserker (May 26, 2017)




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## Gnomey (May 27, 2017)




----------



## fubar57 (May 27, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (May 28, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 28, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 28, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (May 29, 2017)

were you looking in the mirror Jan.....


----------



## Robert Porter (May 29, 2017)

Yes it is called Styrene Addiction. There is no cure, the only treatment is to buy more kits!


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## Gnomey (May 29, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (May 29, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 30, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> Yes it is called Styrene Addiction. There is no cure, the only treatment is to buy more kits!



It works too....

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## Wayne Little (May 30, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> Yes it is called Styrene Addiction. There is no cure, the only treatment is to buy more kits!



cause I tried it...

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## Robert Porter (May 30, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (May 30, 2017)




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## Wurger (May 31, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (May 31, 2017)

done that a couple of times too....

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## Gnomey (May 31, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 1, 2017)

I can totally keep secrets......

It's the people I tell them to that can't.

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 2, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 2, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 2, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jun 2, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 3, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 3, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jun 3, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 3, 2017)



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## at6 (Jun 3, 2017)

Wayne Little said:


> cause I tried it...


I need to buy stock in a glue factory.


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## Wurger (Jun 4, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 4, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jun 4, 2017)

The antivir protection ...

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## Old Wizard (Jun 4, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jun 5, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 5, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 5, 2017)




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## at6 (Jun 5, 2017)

A road was being constructed and as the crew was nearing the end of the construction site they encountered an old Indian with his horse and teepee. The Foreman told him that he had to move so that they could finish the road. The old Indian replied, "Bowels no move!!!!!!!!!!!!" This went on for a week and a half until the crew got fed up with this daily routine. They grabbed him and force fed him 4 bars of Ex-lax. The next moring as they approached the old Indian was about to mount his horse and he proclaimed loudly,"Bowels move. Teepee full of sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!"

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## Lucky13 (Jun 5, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 6, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 6, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jun 6, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 6, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 8, 2017)

got that right.


----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 8, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 8, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jun 9, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 10, 2017)

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? 

....Data transfer.

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## Wurger (Jun 10, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 10, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 11, 2017)




----------



## Crimea_River (Jun 13, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 13, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 13, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 13, 2017)




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## at6 (Jun 14, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 14, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jun 14, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jun 14, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jun 14, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 14, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 14, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 15, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 15, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jun 15, 2017)

Nice Lucky, real nice.


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## Gnomey (Jun 15, 2017)




----------



## Crimea_River (Jun 15, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 16, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 17, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 17, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 17, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jun 17, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 17, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 17, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jun 17, 2017)

How do you know my ex-wife?


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## Crimea_River (Jun 17, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 18, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jun 18, 2017)

Hold real still now...

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## CORSNING (Jun 18, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 18, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jun 18, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 18, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jun 18, 2017)

Hey thats what the wife keeps saying when I wax eloquent on a new weathering method!


----------



## Crimea_River (Jun 18, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jun 19, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 19, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 19, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 20, 2017)

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving......

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## Crimea_River (Jun 20, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 20, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 21, 2017)

Ooops....


----------



## Robert Porter (Jun 22, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 23, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 23, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 24, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jun 24, 2017)

Amen brother!

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## CORSNING (Jun 24, 2017)

One bucket of water is all it will take....at least in my lifetime.

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## CORSNING (Jun 24, 2017)

Now that brings new meaning to trimming the hedges.

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## CORSNING (Jun 24, 2017)

This little thing? No problem, I'll slap it around a little and give it
a good attitude adjustment and then send it on home to its little
momma bear.

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## CORSNING (Jun 24, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jun 24, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jun 24, 2017)

This boy needs a donor bank;


----------



## Shortround6 (Jun 24, 2017)

guy holding sign in last post, please see John Wayne poster in the previous post.


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## Old Wizard (Jun 25, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 25, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 26, 2017)

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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## javlin (Jun 26, 2017)

probably seen it before but got a smile

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small
fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid
blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde
women that way? What does the color of a
woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you
who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people. Its people like you that make others think
that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jun 27, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jun 27, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 27, 2017)

says it all don't it...


----------



## Robert Porter (Jun 27, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)

I always did respect and like the A-10. That's *THUNDERBOLT II* to you mister.

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## Old Wizard (Jun 27, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)

For the animal lovers,


----------



## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)

Did I ever mention that I was offered an officer of the law job...True story.
Maybe it is better I declined.

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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)

I like to shoot a lot. I can safely say I never did that.

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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)

Been their done that, can't say a thing.

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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)

I know, I'm treading on thin ice here.

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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)

Quote of the day if there ever was one.

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## Gnomey (Jun 27, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jun 27, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 28, 2017)

that's great.


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## Old Wizard (Jun 28, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 28, 2017)

*TRYING TO SET A NEW PASSWORD*



WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER:50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

USER:50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use

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## Old Wizard (Jun 28, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 29, 2017)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 29, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 29, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jun 29, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jun 29, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 30, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jun 30, 2017)

_View: https://youtu.be/teTWab1Oxr0_

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## Gnomey (Jun 30, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 1, 2017)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 1, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 1, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 2, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jul 2, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)

I know, I know, I'm going to have to go to church twice this week now.

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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)

And now for the King of pertinent quotes:


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)

A little quote I modified to fit my way of thinking. The original was not mine
this one is:
Yesterday I had a great day. (I just started on Medicare this year so you
know my age.) Tomorrow with the will of God I will have another one.
Today I will enjoy the day HE has given me. It is a gift. That is why it
is called *THE PRESENT*!


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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 2, 2017)

Bucko, this is how I stand...Firm I might add!


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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 2, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 3, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Jul 3, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jul 4, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 4, 2017)

Probably, could have got an extra rasher on....


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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

" WHERE'S THE BEEF?"


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

I DO NOT EVEN WANT TO KNOW...

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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

Oh no, Mr. Bill.

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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

I say sir, now that is a real chicken plucker.

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----------



## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

I ain't eatin' that.

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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

I wonder how many people stop just to find out what it is and how they smell?


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

I wondered why I never see them in the toy section any more.





My Little Pony, thin sliced.

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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)

I am sooo glad that I am carnivorous...

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## CORSNING (Jul 4, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jul 4, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jul 4, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jul 4, 2017)




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## at6 (Jul 4, 2017)

So very true.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Well how about that? You learn something new every day.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

What the 'ell do you mean we are out of beer???


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

WOOPS!

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Just happy to see youall.

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Are you seriously stupid enough to eye ball me?

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

I gotta go guys. I hear the phone ringing.

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

I seriously will be going to church this week guys.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Now that is true art at its finest.

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

I started on Medicare this year. Yes, I am 65 years old. I made
my peace and have gotten closer to God. I hope the rest of you
have also. This whole having to deal with God infinity and reality
has me thinking big time. So I devised a plan:...


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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

This has become internet nationwide proof that trucks are not needed
and just an elaborate scam to get you to buy something you don't need.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Now this here is how Jasper has managed to keep them thieving
miscreants from steeling his cycle. I suggest you all take heed.
He has owned this beautiful baby for 45 minutes now and nobody
has even had the nerve to try and take that sucker here in Stupidville,
Virginia.

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

If you are having aircraft problems,








Do not worry in the least. You have nothing to worry about. We will always be there to help you
get home


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Always remember that our highly trained staff are ever vigilant and
will be there if you need us...well except on holidays...and maybe
weekends... and on occasions that we designate as important to us.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

That is right friends. If you are over water not to worry. Our many
super carriers will be there to assist.





Uh, you do know how to land on a carrier, right?


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

And if you are south of the boarder I have been informed that the
the naval aviators are vigilant and will be there for you anytime.

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Every community should have one of these.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

I'm just saying!

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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Most little cars are easy to modify to your wife's liking.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

I like driving small cars because of the better gas mileage.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Them babies park anywhere.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Little cars can even tame the monster trucks crowd.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Nothing stops little cars.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

Think of the advantages.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)

You are never too old



or too young to own one.


----------



## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jul 5, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jul 5, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 5, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 6, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 6, 2017)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Jul 6, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 7, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jul 7, 2017)

... the first crash test ?

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## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2017)




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## Shortround6 (Jul 7, 2017)

Wurger said:


> ... the first crash test ?
> 
> View attachment 377613



Parking by ear only works when the "crunch" is louder than the noise your own vehicle makes while in motion.


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## fubar57 (Jul 8, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jul 8, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2017)

Nice..


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## CORSNING (Jul 8, 2017)

Who the #ell drank all the beer???





............................................

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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jul 8, 2017)

Mine has one purple eye and one red one. The carpet muncher is a hungry git!


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jul 8, 2017)




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## Glider (Jul 8, 2017)

On our local radio station the sometimes after the news which is normally full of doom and gloom, mention a funny story or uplifting piece of news. The following story almost made me crash the car.

Sarah is seven and loves her Hamster very much. One evening she noticed it sitting in the corner of the cage and not moving. In the morning the hamster was sill in the corner, it hadn't eaten or drunk anything and was just slumped there. So the family took the hamster to the vet, they put it on the table and the hamster was moving about, a little groggy but it was moving around reasonably well. The vet checked it over and said that apart from needing something to eat and drink it seemed fine. He also asked if anything unusual had happened over the last few days.

Aparently it had escaped from the cage and had hidden under the fridge where they had to rescue it. But hamsters do that kind of thing and everything had seemed normal. The vet had a second look and realsied the problem, the hamster had swallowed a fridge magnet.

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## Robert Porter (Jul 8, 2017)

Love it! They could probably have just stuck dear old hammie to the fridge!


----------



## Robert Porter (Jul 8, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 9, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 9, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 10, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jul 10, 2017)




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## at6 (Jul 10, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jul 10, 2017)

Not sure I want to know, but I will accept that logic on the, er, "face" of it!

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## Old Wizard (Jul 10, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jul 10, 2017)

Saw this online today, had to share...

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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 10, 2017)

Two views .... two agendas

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## Robert Porter (Jul 10, 2017)

Well, in my case 57...

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## Wayne Little (Jul 11, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 11, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Jul 11, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> Well, in my case 57...
> View attachment 377841


*Yea, so? I don't see the problem...?

SHALL WE DISCUSS THINGS LIKE: HOW MANY PURSES? HOW MANY
PAIRS OF SHOES/BOOTS? HOW MANY COATS? ....OR MAYBE JUST 
DO AN ANALYSIS ON THE RATIO OF SPACE YOUR STUFF TAKES UP
IN THE HOUSE/GARAGE COMPARED TO THE RATIO HER STUFF USES?

I'm just saying...loudly I might add.. Hey, how you doing, Jeff.*

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## Old Wizard (Jul 11, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 13, 2017)




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## at6 (Jul 14, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jul 15, 2017)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 15, 2017)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 15, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Jul 15, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 16, 2017)

Damn.....i think I resemble that....


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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 16, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 17, 2017)

Wife calls her husband and says, “Darling, the car is broken, it won’t start.”

“What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?”

“It’s water in the carburetor, love.”

“Oh no, where are you right now?”

“Um, in the little lake behind the house…”

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## Old Wizard (Jul 17, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jul 17, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Jul 18, 2017)

A few years ago, a coworker and I were at lunch. We were sitting outside in front of a sandwich store, which was right next to a local grocery store. A young mother with toddler in tow came out of the grocery, put toddler in the car seat and then proceeded to load the trunk with her purchases. Shortly she closed the trunk, and sat down in the driver seat. She frantically began looking around the interior of the car obviously having misplaced something. She got more and more frantic and eventually asked to borrow my friends cell phone to call her husband. She never explained exactly what her problem was. After making the call she returned to the car and sat inside waiting. Just as we were finishing lunch her husband arrived, took one look and shaking his head he reached down on the floor by the driver seat and pressed the trunk release. The woman then retrieved her handbag and car keys from the trunk. Apparently she did not know about the release, and had not told her husband that the car itself was unlocked, he had assumed she had locked her keys in the trunk with no access to the car! Oh, and yes, she was a platinum blonde...

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## Wayne Little (Jul 18, 2017)

Oh yes...


----------



## michaelmaltby (Jul 18, 2017)



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## michaelmaltby (Jul 18, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Jul 18, 2017)

To damn true!


----------



## Old Wizard (Jul 18, 2017)




----------



## Robert Porter (Jul 18, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2017)




----------



## at6 (Jul 18, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> View attachment 378480


A certain airline over booked again?

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## Wayne Little (Jul 19, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 19, 2017)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 20, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jul 20, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Jul 20, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2017)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 21, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 21, 2017)

Journalism is dead ... and it was suicide

USA Today Complains About Lack of 'Women' and 'No Lead Actors of Color' in Movie 'Dunkirk'

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## fubar57 (Jul 21, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jul 21, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2017)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 22, 2017)



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## Wurger (Jul 22, 2017)




----------



## Old Wizard (Jul 22, 2017)




----------



## Wurger (Jul 23, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Jul 23, 2017)

Why 'in-laws' ...

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## Old Wizard (Jul 23, 2017)




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## Wurger (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Jul 23, 2017)

Reality check ....

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## Robert Porter (Jul 23, 2017)

In-Laws...


----------



## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)



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## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)



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----------



## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)



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## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)



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## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)



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## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)




----------



## at6 (Jul 23, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Jul 24, 2017)




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## at6 (Jul 24, 2017)

michaelmaltby said:


> Journalism is dead ... and it was suicide
> 
> USA Today Complains About Lack of 'Women' and 'No Lead Actors of Color' in Movie 'Dunkirk'


Not only that, where was the gay love story?


----------



## Robert Porter (Jul 24, 2017)

Calling this one done! The insignia were masked not decals. The whole assembly process was fraught with fit issues. And don't get me started about the color scheme, but hey that is what the instructions called for.

I may weather it a bit later. Have to see.

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## Gnomey (Jul 24, 2017)

Well that's disturbing...


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 25, 2017)

A real toughie that one Robert....


----------



## Wurger (Jul 25, 2017)

It seems that the colour pic for a model I'm building , has been found at last.

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## Crimea_River (Jul 25, 2017)

Good job masking the canopy.

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## at6 (Jul 25, 2017)

Wurger said:


> It seems that the colour pic for a model I'm building , has been found at last.


Does that also mean that we now know the speed of dark?

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## Wurger (Jul 25, 2017)

You have to ask about that Jan.


----------



## Elmas (Jul 25, 2017)

Rivets very well executed.


----------



## Robert Porter (Jul 26, 2017)

I thought the rivets were a tad out of scale, but they do look good!


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 26, 2017)

The paint job does looks great, but the wood grain just doesn't look convincing to me.

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## Old Wizard (Jul 26, 2017)

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE (BY JOHN CLEESE) :

The *English sh*are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada..The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.The *French *government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The *Germans *have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose.". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .The *Spanish sh*are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. *Australia*, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


A final thought - "*Greece *is collapsing, the *Iranians *are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC".

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## at6 (Jul 27, 2017)

vikingBerserker said:


> The paint job does looks great, but the wood grain just doesn't look convincing to me.


Should have used Alclad.

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## Wayne Little (Jul 27, 2017)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Jul 27, 2017)

Here we go .....


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUjcjUF-urU_


----------



## at6 (Jul 27, 2017)

No thanks.


----------



## Robert Porter (Jul 27, 2017)

Ahhhhh, no thanks, he is fine where he is.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2017)




----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 31, 2017)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 1, 2017)



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## at6 (Aug 1, 2017)

Here here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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----------



## at6 (Aug 1, 2017)



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----------



## Wurger (Aug 1, 2017)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 1, 2017)



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## michaelmaltby (Aug 1, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Aug 1, 2017)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2017)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## michaelmaltby (Aug 2, 2017)

The message of my new movie and book is "beware of fraudster-manipulators like _me_"

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## at6 (Aug 2, 2017)

He looks a little like your PM.

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## Robert Porter (Aug 2, 2017)

Hey he invented the internet and found man-bear-pig what more do you want from the guy!

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## Robert Porter (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## Old Wizard (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 4, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 6, 2017)

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2017)




----------



## Old Wizard (Aug 6, 2017)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 7, 2017)

Blondes.....don't ya just love 'em...

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 8, 2017)

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lorraine

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lorraine to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself
a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lorraine. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on June 30 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Lorraine was arrested and charged with murder...

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A hole in one, so to speak!!

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## Old Wizard (Aug 8, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Aug 9, 2017)



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## Airframes (Aug 10, 2017)



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## Wurger (Aug 10, 2017)

Just the SFS.


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## Old Wizard (Aug 10, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 10, 2017)



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## Wurger (Aug 10, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Aug 11, 2017)



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## Wurger (Aug 12, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 12, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Aug 12, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 12, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2017)

God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.

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## javlin (Aug 13, 2017)

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. 

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained.

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well, in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same Illness, better health plan."


What's in your wallet??

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## Wurger (Aug 14, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 14, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 14, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2017)




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## at6 (Aug 15, 2017)

With all of the crap calls I keep getting from sales people to scammers plus others, I've decided to change my phone message to the following. "Thank you for calling Cactus in the butt. If this is a sales call, we have no money so you would have to accept a cactus in the butt. If you are seeking donations, we still have no money but will gladly give you a cactus in the butt. All others leave you name, phone number, and a related message and we will seek to return your call. Once again, thank you for calling Cactus in the butt."

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## Robert Porter (Aug 15, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 16, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Aug 16, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 16, 2017)




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## at6 (Aug 17, 2017)

As I was sitting at a red light, the guy in the car next to me was eating Salmon eggs. When I asked what he was doing he said,"I'm waiting with baited breath."

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## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 17, 2017)



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## Wurger (Aug 17, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Aug 17, 2017)

Oh dear, I bet his family uses that picture for blackmail!

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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)

I have just found a few quotes that make me feel a little better, wiser and
perhaps more sane than I thought I was.

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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)

I apologize to the public and the establishment for the following statements
vulgar wording, but the truth needs to be reveled.

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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Aug 17, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Aug 17, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 17, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Aug 17, 2017)

They are in serious danger of turning turtle if they fire!

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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)

Sometimes you're the bat and sometimes you're the ball.
Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug.
And then sometimes you're just damn stupid:

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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)

Well Lucky, you could always go the other way.

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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)

And then there is my all time hero; BUBBLES my man!

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## CORSNING (Aug 17, 2017)

I got nothing....

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## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 18, 2017)




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## Wurger (Aug 18, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Aug 18, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Aug 18, 2017)

I tend to agree...


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## CORSNING (Aug 18, 2017)

Swat has a new vehicle...

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## CORSNING (Aug 18, 2017)

Let's Play Ball...

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## CORSNING (Aug 18, 2017)

I believe in...

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## CORSNING (Aug 18, 2017)

The real super heroes...

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## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 18, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 21, 2017)

some good stuff...


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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Aug 22, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Aug 22, 2017)

How true!


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## Airframes (Aug 22, 2017)

And the Eleventh Commandment - "When thy shelves, cupboards, tables and all horizontal flat surfaces are stacked full of un-built kit boxes, though shall not venture forth to thine nearest LHS in pursuit of the purchase of more bl**dy kits, for verily that shalt be foolish and, if thy hath a spouse, her wrath will surely be incurred."

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## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 22, 2017)




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## javlin (Aug 22, 2017)

*A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border." May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.*

*"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy."Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.*

*"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other"*

*"This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind." 
By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. *

*"Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."*

*"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?*

*"The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."*

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## Wurger (Aug 23, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 23, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Aug 23, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Aug 23, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Aug 23, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Aug 23, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2017)

The Japanese have developed a camera shutter so fast that it can photograph a woman with her mouth closed.....

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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 25, 2017)

LMAO!

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## Old Wizard (Aug 25, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 25, 2017)



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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 25, 2017)

True michael, True.

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## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2017)




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## Wurger (Aug 29, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Aug 30, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Aug 30, 2017)

Wayne Little said:


> The Japanese have developed a camera shutter so fast that it can photograph a woman with her mouth closed.....


I am sorry Wayne. My mind just cannot conceive such a thing. I am going to have to see pictures sir.


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## CORSNING (Aug 30, 2017)

I don't know if this is the best they can do but it is probably close...

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## CORSNING (Aug 30, 2017)

Truth is, I believe the Russian people as a whole are on par with US
people in the eyes of God. But then there are those several on both
continents that just don't get it...

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## CORSNING (Aug 30, 2017)

Wow,

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## CORSNING (Aug 30, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Aug 30, 2017)

I would just like to say at this time that I know I have posted
some articles that are not showing an impressive image of the
Canadian military. I would just like to clear up that situation by
saying that the Canadian military has been an exceptional asset
through the years. This asset started way before WWI. I am not
a historian so I do not know the original date of when their world
diplomacy started. But I am one American that is proud to have
the Canadians as an ally. I am also very glad to have them as my
neighbor.
If I have offended any of my Canadian friends or neighbors, I
apologize. May God bless you and your country.
, Jeff

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## Robert Porter (Aug 30, 2017)

I always love this one!

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## Wurger (Aug 30, 2017)




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## Capt. Vick (Aug 30, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Aug 31, 2017)

CORSNING said:


> I am sorry Wayne. My mind just cannot conceive such a thing. I am going to have to see pictures sir.



camera's are too expensive man...

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## Gnomey (Aug 31, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 1, 2017)



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## fubar57 (Sep 1, 2017)



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## fubar57 (Sep 1, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2017)

DAMN! Robert. I'm going to get my CCW. That little $#!+ @$$ toaster
makes one move in the wrong direction in my house and I going to bring
a completely new meaning to "Brave Little 'Dum @$$ Toaster' " in the
cartoon world 9MM style.
Void where prohibited by law, Jeff


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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Sep 1, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 2, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Sep 2, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 3, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Sep 3, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 3, 2017)

Sad but true!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Sep 4, 2017)

Hmmm, I definitely identify with poor Robin above! 

As an aside autocorrect attempted to replace 'definitely' with 'defiantly' in the above sentence? Is autocorrect prone to Freudian slips?

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## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 4, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 4, 2017)

Don't give me a P-39
With an engine that's mounted behind
It will tumble and roll
and dig a big hole
Don't give me a P-39

- Old AAF Ditty

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## Wayne Little (Sep 5, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 5, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Sep 5, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 5, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 5, 2017)

Al Gore’s latest treatise on global warming is being outsold on Amazon Kindle — by a book debunking the former U.S. Vice 
President’s climate theories.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 5, 2017)

Can we keep the political crap out of here?

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## Lucky13 (Sep 6, 2017)

I don't know about yous....I've got my ticket ready!

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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 7, 2017)




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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Sep 7, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 7, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 7, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 8, 2017)

is _this_ "political crap" or funny ..... because it provides _insight. _Depends _who_ defines political_, _surely_.





_

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## at6 (Sep 8, 2017)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 381942


First, you should have checked the details a little more and never buy anything without pictures or a rating lower than 99 percent.


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## Wayne Little (Sep 9, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Sep 9, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 9, 2017)

Indeed, you obviously missed the part about propellors and motors sold separately. However all is not lost, it makes for a great set of coasters for a chair!


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## fubar57 (Sep 9, 2017)



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## Wurger (Sep 9, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 9, 2017)




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## Wurger (Sep 10, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Sep 10, 2017)

That's about to ruin someones day...

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## The Basket (Sep 10, 2017)

https://scontent.fman2-1.fna.fbcdn....=cdc51976e4f1e6571356d322c05fbd7c&oe=5A57B689

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## CORSNING (Sep 10, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Sep 10, 2017)

Well I'm gonna bet they don't get the most out of those cycles...
It's just a guess though...

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## CORSNING (Sep 10, 2017)

I'm going to guess that pissed the wife off and the rest of
the vacation just went sour...

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## CORSNING (Sep 10, 2017)

wurger,
Sir I would just like to help direct you correctly. You are looking for one
of these...

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 10, 2017)

michaelmaltby said:


> is _this_ "political crap" or funny ..... because it provides _insight. _Depends _who_ defines political_, _surely_.
> 
> View attachment 382513
> _



We have had a no politics rule on this forum for well over 10 years now...


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## Wayne Little (Sep 11, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 11, 2017)

Tis a slippery slope, best not to have to interpret and just avoid the entire issue. I feel where you are coming from but just like religion the subject is easy to take out of context.

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## Gnomey (Sep 11, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 11, 2017)

Oh and lest anyone think I am being critical, I am not, I have slide down the slope once or twice and been "gently chastised" here so I know what I am saying. But I do understand the admins position, it is such a potentially divisive subject and there are plenty of other places for us to express those feelings they just want to keep this place as focused and argument free as possible. 

After all, I can get all the arguments I want by, oh say, suggesting the very best fighter of the BoB was <insert favorite fighter here>!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 11, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> Oh and lest anyone think I am being critical, I am not, I have slide down the slope once or twice and been "gently chastised" here so I know what I am saying. But I do understand the admins position, it is such a potentially divisive subject and there are plenty of other places for us to express those feelings they just want to keep this place as focused and argument free as possible.
> 
> After all, I can get all the arguments I want by, oh say, suggesting the very best fighter of the BoB was <insert favorite fighter here>!



That really is what it comes down to. I can laugh at all the political jokes and memes (for one reason or another), but there is a time and place for it. This is a WW2 Aviation and Military site. We have no problem with discussing the historical politics as it pertains to WW2 and it's events, so long as it remains civil.

Trump, Clinton, Bush, Gore, Putin, etc., have nothing to do with either though, and the history of this forum has shown that modern politics only leads to arguments and fighting.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Sep 12, 2017)

I think all sports fans will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune.... Enjoy !
No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious...
Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.
One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.

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## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2017)




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## Wurger (Sep 13, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Sep 13, 2017)

So thats what happened to my sister!!!!!


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## CORSNING (Sep 13, 2017)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 382768


I DON'T GET IT? WHY DO YOU THINK I DRINK IN THE FIRST PLACE!? "Mission control
I am ready for that vodka and tonic.


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## CORSNING (Sep 13, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Sep 13, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Sep 13, 2017)

I dedicate this to my first wife.

In truth guys, I hope God shows her the way because
I am not without fault.

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## CORSNING (Sep 13, 2017)

It is time to use this where it is needed people. I give you all full
patented rights. Let her fly guys...

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## CORSNING (Sep 13, 2017)

Seriously guys, I am forced to work around people that make
me wonder...

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## Wurger (Sep 13, 2017)

CORSNING said:


> I DON'T GET IT? WHY DO YOU THINK I DRINK IN THE FIRST PLACE!?.



... 



CORSNING said:


>

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## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2017)




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## at6 (Sep 14, 2017)

If I drink enough, I can get my IQ down to their level and even then it's difficult.

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## v2 (Sep 14, 2017)

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. 
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all....


After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

“Benny…Benny…”
“My gosh… Is that you, Dan?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.

“Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!”

“What heaven? I’m a rabbit somewhere on the South Coast”

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## Wurger (Sep 14, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 14, 2017)

As it has been stated before....

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## CORSNING (Sep 14, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Sep 14, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Sep 14, 2017)




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## v2 (Sep 15, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Sep 15, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Sep 15, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2017)




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## Wurger (Sep 15, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 15, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 15, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Sep 16, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Sep 16, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Sep 16, 2017)



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## fubar57 (Sep 16, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Sep 16, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 16, 2017)

It is tuff to overrule the natural urge to kill sometimes.


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## Robert Porter (Sep 16, 2017)

This is a good deal of Canada at the moment!

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## Old Wizard (Sep 17, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 17, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 17, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Sep 17, 2017)

Best named product of the century!

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## at6 (Sep 17, 2017)

The things to buy in North Carolina.

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## CORSNING (Sep 17, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Sep 17, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Sep 17, 2017)

I can safely say that I can never remember being that lazy!

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## CORSNING (Sep 17, 2017)

I extremely got nothing to add here...

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## CORSNING (Sep 17, 2017)

Me to sister, me to.

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## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 19, 2017)




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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 19, 2017)

<sigh> Truth!


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## Robert Porter (Sep 19, 2017)

Thought of 

 fubar57
when I saw this!

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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2017)

Geo's day off..


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## Robert Porter (Sep 19, 2017)

Exactly, dude has his own swimming pool attached to his "office"!


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## fubar57 (Sep 19, 2017)

When I was at PRC one winter, there was a spare Komatsu 1500 truck box sitting at the top of a very long bendy hill: someone made the suggestion of using it as a 32 man bob-sled.

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## Crimea_River (Sep 19, 2017)

I would have liked to see the push start.


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## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2017)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 19, 2017)

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he can't go flying for a week.

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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 20, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 20, 2017)

LMAO


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## at6 (Sep 20, 2017)

If the freshener was pine scented, his new name would be "Sh!tty Pines".

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## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 21, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Sep 21, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 21, 2017)




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## Wurger (Sep 21, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 21, 2017)



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## Robert Porter (Sep 21, 2017)

Looks like he does not particularly like that particular flavor or version of windows!


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## at6 (Sep 21, 2017)

Must be Windows10.

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## Wurger (Sep 21, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 21, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 21, 2017)

That’s gotta be child abuse!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 22, 2017)



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## at6 (Sep 22, 2017)

Grab the Spackle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Robert Porter (Sep 22, 2017)

This is an optional accessory you rarely see modeled for A-10's. But felt I had to include the reference picture for anyone that may build a model in the future. These are hard to come by reference shots! The armored hammock is exceedingly rare!

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## at6 (Sep 22, 2017)

So true.


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## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Sep 22, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 23, 2017)

Excellent...


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## Wayne Little (Sep 24, 2017)

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 24, 2017)

Rules of the Air


Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.



If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.



Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.



It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.



The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.



The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.



When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.



A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.



Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.



You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.



The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.



Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.



Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.



Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.



There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.



You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.



Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.



If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.



In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.



Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.



It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.



Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.



Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.



The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

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## at6 (Sep 24, 2017)

That sir deserved bacon.

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## Old Wizard (Sep 25, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 26, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 26, 2017)

Sort of a corollary for my previous post...

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## Wurger (Sep 26, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 27, 2017)

I am sure some of us can find a use for this!

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## Elmas (Sep 27, 2017)

http://www.doyletics.com/tidbits/militaryadvice.pdf

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## Robert Porter (Sep 27, 2017)

Awesome!


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## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 28, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Sep 30, 2017)

Now I am in trouble with one of my next door neighbors. Asked her 5 year old son if he had ever seen a Teddy Bear tree since every one knows Teddy Bears grow on trees. He said no while his eyes got huge so I showed him the photo below. Now he is crying and upset because his Mom won't plant a Panda Tree for him! If I stop posting please let the cops know to check the pond behind my condo as I think his Mom is going to kill me!

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## Wurger (Sep 30, 2017)

And that's the reason for not telling children baloney.

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## CORSNING (Sep 30, 2017)

A couple of signs that might just have some real hidden meaning.

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## CORSNING (Sep 30, 2017)

If anybody figures out where this is, please let me know.

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## CORSNING (Sep 30, 2017)

Dip shit management,

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## CORSNING (Sep 30, 2017)

Who the #ell does this mean???

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## at6 (Sep 30, 2017)

It must be illegal to read it.


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## Gnomey (Sep 30, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 1, 2017)




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## Old Wizard (Oct 2, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 3, 2017)

Little Johnny asks his father: 
"Where does the wind come from?"
-
"I don't know."
- 
"Why do dogs bark?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Why is the earth round?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
-
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."

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## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 4, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 4, 2017)

Sounds reasonable.....


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## Gnomey (Oct 4, 2017)




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## Robert Porter (Oct 4, 2017)

From what I have read he could only manage "half mast" himself for the last 20 odd years.


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## at6 (Oct 4, 2017)

Maybe he had a secret implant or the world's largest Viagra vault.


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## Capt. Vick (Oct 5, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 5, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 5, 2017)



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## at6 (Oct 5, 2017)

I like being a Capricorn even more now. Thank you.


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## vikingBerserker (Oct 5, 2017)

Aries!


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## pbehn (Oct 5, 2017)

vikingBerserker said:


> Aries!


Der Widder

Aries der Widder
Taurus der Stier (_the bull_)
Gemini die Zwillinge (_the twins_)
Cancer der Krebs
Leo der Löwe (_the lion_)
Virgo die Jungfrau (_the virgin_)
Libra die Waage (_the scale_)
Scorpio der Skorpion (_the scorpion_)
Sagittarius der Schütze (_the shooter_)
Capricorn der Steinbock
Aquarius der Wassermann (_the waterman_)
Pisces die Fische (_the fish_)


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## Old Wizard (Oct 5, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2017)




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## pbehn (Oct 5, 2017)

Widder, Stier, Waage, Schütze and Steinbock are great names for tanks.

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## Wayne Little (Oct 6, 2017)




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## pbehn (Oct 7, 2017)

Discussing the soccer world cup today Mike "porky" Parry asked if Leningrad was near St Petersburg.

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## at6 (Oct 7, 2017)

pbehn said:


> Discussing the soccer world cup today Mike "porky" Parry asked if Leningrad was near St Petersburg.


Must have gone to a public school.


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## pbehn (Oct 7, 2017)

at6 said:


> Must have gone to a public school.



He passed for grammar school, he was a journalist and ended up as news editor for the press association. He explained that he was really interested in history and wanted to do some sight seeing in Russia while he was there it was funny, scary and a bit weird all at the same time.


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## Elmas (Oct 8, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 8, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 9, 2017)



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## Old Wizard (Oct 9, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2017)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 9, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 9, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 9, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 9, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 10, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Oct 10, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 12, 2017)



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## pbehn (Oct 12, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 468736


I know someone who actually did worse than the "balls" definition. Arriving home full of beer one night he told his wife of two years and her 20 year old daughter he would love a threesome sometime. He is still alive but expensively divorced.

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## fubar57 (Oct 12, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2017)

Voltaire once quoted Charles as saying, "*I have resolved never to start an unjust war* but *never* to end a legitimate one except by defeating my enemies", which is pretty much old-school talk for, "I don't *start* shit. I end it! 

Yip....that's it!

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## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 13, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Oct 13, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 13, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 13, 2017)

Boy, I really could have used post #10570 a number of years back!


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## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2017)

Top one George...


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## Gnomey (Oct 14, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Oct 16, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 16, 2017)

From the left.. Andy, Karl, Terry, Jan , Geo, and ....Wayne, I guess.

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## Wayne Little (Oct 16, 2017)

Terry....are you ok, you look a tad off......Andy you don't look well mate....

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## Airframes (Oct 16, 2017)

That bl**dy 'Weight-Watchers' course is a bastid !

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## Wurger (Oct 16, 2017)




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## at6 (Oct 16, 2017)

Actually, you starved to death waiting for Rochie to get you dinners.


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## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 16, 2017)

Wayne Little said:


> Terry....are you ok, you look a tad off......Andy you don't look well mate....



Heck, you haven't seen me in person!


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## Capt. Vick (Oct 16, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 17, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Oct 17, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 17, 2017)




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## gumbyk (Oct 17, 2017)

Looks like the F-35 just lost another 'dog fight'!!

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## Gnomey (Oct 17, 2017)




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## Elmas (Oct 18, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2017)




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## Wurger (Oct 18, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 19, 2017)

George you are so right.....


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## Capt. Vick (Oct 23, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 24, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 25, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 26, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 26, 2017)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 26, 2017)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN_IUkZPuuQ&app=desktop

what a wimp

This showed a large bull moose working over a Prius with his antlers and shoulder ... the owner watches with ineffectual verbalizations that wouldn't frighten a mouse .... try doing a YouTube search if you want to see ..... _

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## Wurger (Oct 26, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Oct 27, 2017)



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## Crimea_River (Oct 27, 2017)

How true.


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## at6 (Oct 28, 2017)

Just had to go to Walley World tonight to watch the weekly whale migration.

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## Wayne Little (Oct 28, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Oct 28, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 28, 2017)




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## at6 (Oct 28, 2017)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 470140​


I said that once some years ago. I became a plastoholic.


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## fubar57 (Oct 28, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Oct 28, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Oct 28, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 29, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Oct 29, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 29, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2017)

Good one...


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## fubar57 (Oct 30, 2017)



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## Wurger (Oct 30, 2017)




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## at6 (Oct 30, 2017)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 470182​


But did he fill all of the seams before weathering?


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## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 31, 2017)

laugh at your peril:
... A feminist professor at Occidental College recently argued that men must renounce their masculinity and "denounce anyone who chooses to identify with it." Calling masculinity a "dangerous idea," Wade argues that, "The problem is not toxic masculinity; it's that masculinity _is_ toxic," adding that masculinity is "simply not compatible with liberty and justice for all." Wade concludes her essay by urging people to "call masculinity out as a hazardous ideology and denounce anyone who chooses to identify with it," saying that doing so is crucial for "gender revolution." ..


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## pbehn (Oct 31, 2017)

michaelmaltby said:


> laugh at your peril:
> ... A feminist professor at Occidental College recently argued that men must renounce their masculinity and "denounce anyone who chooses to identify with it." Calling masculinity a "dangerous idea," Wade argues that, "The problem is not toxic masculinity; it's that masculinity _is_ toxic," adding that masculinity is "simply not compatible with liberty and justice for all." Wade concludes her essay by urging people to "call masculinity out as a hazardous ideology and denounce anyone who chooses to identify with it," saying that doing so is crucial for "gender revolution." ..


Men will renounce masculinity when they notice that at Occidental college and others the members of the rowing, football and rugby teams don't have the fittest girlfriends. Up to the age of about 40 women generally like masculine males, it is something to do with the next generation being fit I believe. When a woman sees a spider and screams she doesn't want a partner who starts screaming along with her. The whole thing makes me laugh like a drain.

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## at6 (Oct 31, 2017)

michaelmaltby said:


> laugh at your peril:
> ... A feminist professor at Occidental College recently argued that men must renounce their masculinity and "denounce anyone who chooses to identify with it." Calling masculinity a "dangerous idea," Wade argues that, "The problem is not toxic masculinity; it's that masculinity _is_ toxic," adding that masculinity is "simply not compatible with liberty and justice for all." Wade concludes her essay by urging people to "call masculinity out as a hazardous ideology and denounce anyone who chooses to identify with it," saying that doing so is crucial for "gender revolution." ..


Hardly surprising when you consider the location.She's most likely upset because a guy offered her a pickle and when they got to his house, he handed her an actual pickle.

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## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2017)




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## at6 (Oct 31, 2017)

I was watching a report about North Korean missiles and found out that newest one is apparently named for Kim's nether region. The No Dong.

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## Wayne Little (Nov 1, 2017)




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## pbehn (Nov 1, 2017)

Legendary causeway giant is close to getting a third Lancaster airworthy.

View attachment 470403

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## Gnomey (Nov 1, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 2, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 3, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Nov 3, 2017)




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## Wurger (Nov 3, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Nov 3, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 4, 2017)

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

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## Gnomey (Nov 4, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 4, 2017)



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## Wurger (Nov 4, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 5, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 5, 2017)

Dr Seuss goes to war .... who knew

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## Wurger (Nov 5, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Nov 5, 2017)




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## at6 (Nov 5, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 6, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 6, 2017)

The_ POWER_ of cartoon characterization to precisely describe human situations is unparalleled.

Napoleon said caricatures “did more than all the armies of Europe” to defeat him. King Louis Philippe jailed a comic artist on the grounds that such a work “amounts to an act of violence.”

David Low, the New Zealand-born cartoonist, who penned the Hitler-Stalin Pact cartoon in 1939, was on Hitler's "assassinate" list to be executed after Sea Lion.

And the Kissinger ...? .... Fairly or not .... conveys _obscenity,_ IMO.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 6, 2017)



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## pbehn (Nov 6, 2017)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 470931


Is that a pair of beer goggles?


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## Wayne Little (Nov 7, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Nov 7, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Nov 9, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2017)

That explains so much about Jan's behaviour...


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## Shortround6 (Nov 9, 2017)

somebody had to post it

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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2017)

1: Too much hair.... 
2: It's too grey.... 
3: There's no glasses....

But other than that....


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## fubar57 (Nov 10, 2017)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2017)



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## pbehn (Nov 10, 2017)

Re boot it.

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## at6 (Nov 10, 2017)

pbehn said:


> Re boot it.


Or just give it the boot.


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## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 12, 2017)

_Bent double, like old beggars under sacks, 
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge, 
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs 
And towards our distant rest began to trudge. 
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots, 
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind; 
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots 
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling, 
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time; 
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling, 
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime... 
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light, 
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight, 
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning. 

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace 
Behind the wagon that we flung him in, 
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face, 
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin; 
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood 
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs, 
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud 
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, 
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest, 
To children ardent for some desperate glory, 
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est 
Pro patria mori.

Wilfred Owen_

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## Wayne Little (Nov 14, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 14, 2017)

Dog is man's friend. But friend is not necessary a dog.

Life is most dangerous thing. Survival rate is zero.

Find pleasure in small things. Like pay check.

If dog barks on you, you don't bark back. Why to answer when your wife complains about housework ?

There are three stages in life : childhood, youth, and "you look great"

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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 15, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 15, 2017)



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## Wurger (Nov 15, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 15, 2017)

BIBLE = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Nov 16, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 18, 2017)

For those of my generation who simply do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: 
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I'm doing now, what I will be doing later and with whom, and where I'm going next. and ask them to follow me along and watch me be important.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, washing the car, driving around town, eating lunch, getting a haircut, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and will be friends with them. It all works just like Facebook.. only I do it face to face. not on a little glass screen.

I already have four people following me - two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

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## at6 (Nov 19, 2017)

I really have to hand it to the Navy. They have some very artistic pilots.

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## pbehn (Nov 19, 2017)

Results in for a council snow plough naming competition.

Doncaster names gritters Gritsy Bitsy and David Plowie | Daily Mail Online

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 19, 2017)

"... They have some very artistic pilots."

Steady hand.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 20, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Nov 20, 2017)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 22, 2017)



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## Wayne Little (Nov 22, 2017)

Good one..


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## Gnomey (Nov 22, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Nov 24, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 25, 2017)

*- Hello! Gordon's pizza?*



*- No sir this is Google's pizza.*



*- Sorry, I must have dialed a wrong number?*



*- No sir, Google bought out *
*Gordon's Pizza a short while ago.*



*- OK. Take my order please.*



*- OK sir, would you like your usual?"*



*- The usual? You know me?*



*- According to our caller-ID database, *
*your last 12 orders were for pizza with *
*cheese and sausage toppings,*
*thick crust and crisp.*



*- OK! That's it...*



*- May I suggest this time you add ricotta, *
*arugula with dry tomato toppings?*



*- What? I hate vegetables.*



*- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."*



*- How do you know that?*



*- We cross-matched your phone number*
*with your name and your online medical portal.*
*We have the result of your blood tests*
*for the past 7 years.*



*- Okay, but I do not want those toppings,*
*I already take medicine ...*



*- Excuse me, but you have not taken*
*your medicine regularly. *
*We can see from our database, *
*4 months ago, you only purchased*
*a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at CVS.*



*- I bought more from another pharmacy.*



*- Such a transaction is not showing*
*in your credit card account.*



*- I paid in cash.*



*- But you did not withdraw that much cash*
*according to your recent bank statement.*



*- I have another source of cash.*



*- That is not showing as per your latest*
*tax return unless you obtained it from*
*an undeclared income source.*



*WHAT THE.....*



*- "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information*
*only with the intention of helping you.*



*- Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook,*
*Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island *
*without internet, cable TV, where there is *
*no cell phone service and no one to spy on me.*



*- "I understand sir but you'll need to renew *

* your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago!*

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## pbehn (Nov 25, 2017)

michaelmaltby said:


> *- Hello! Gordon's pizza?*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Many a true word said in jest, funny how internet and media billionaires have their own Islands and huge private ships.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 25, 2017)



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## fubar57 (Nov 25, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 25, 2017)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 473424



I never noticed that it sucked....too busy making life suck for the 'enemy'!


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## Wayne Little (Nov 26, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 26, 2017)

*Getting a Gun in USA*



*Yesterday I got my permit to carry 
a concealed weapon.*

*So, today I went over to the local*

*Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun 
for home/personal protection.*

*
When I was ready to pay for the*

*pistol and ammo, the cashier said, -
"Strip down, facing me."*



*Making a mental note to complain*

*to the NRA about the gun control*

*wackos running amok,*

*I did just as she had instructed.*
*
When the hysterical shrieking and*

*alarms finally subsided,*

*I found out she was referring to*

*how I should place my credit card*

*in the card reader!*



*As a senior citizen, I do not get*

*flustered often, but this time it*

*took me a while to get my pants 
back on.*



*I've been asked to shop elsewhere*

*in the future.*

*They need to make their instructions 
to seniors a little more clear.*



*I still don't think I looked that bad!*

*Just need to wear underwear 
more often...*

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## Gnomey (Nov 26, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 27, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Nov 29, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Nov 29, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 30, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 5, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Dec 5, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 8, 2017)

Once upon a time, Santa Clause had very bad year.
First, elves went on strike. Then deers run away. Finally, sleigh broke at Dec 24.
Elves don't care, of course. It's all Santa's responsibility

By sheer determination, Santa fixed everything, and decided to have a drink for the road.
Just when he was pouring, door bell rang.

Santa ( who was a nervous wreck by that time ) dropped bottle of his precious brandy, opened the door.
Angel came in : "God wishes you Merry Christmas, and sends this spruce tree"
Guess what Santa did with this tree .....

That's right. That's why people put angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 9, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2017)

Brilliant!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 16, 2017)

No fly zone ...

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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2017)




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## Wurger (Dec 16, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 17, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 19, 2017)



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## Wurger (Dec 19, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Dec 19, 2017)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 19, 2017)



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## fubar57 (Dec 20, 2017)



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## Wurger (Dec 20, 2017)




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## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 21, 2017)




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## michaelmaltby (Dec 21, 2017)

Tom Rush: The Remember Song

The Remember Song

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## Smokey Stover (Dec 21, 2017)

My wife told me on my birthday i could do anything i desired to her. So i tied her to the bed and went to watch an airshow......lol

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## Elmas (Dec 21, 2017)



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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Dec 21, 2017)



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## Crimea_River (Dec 21, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2017)




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## fubar57 (Dec 23, 2017)



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## Crimea_River (Dec 23, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Dec 23, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 24, 2017)



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## Crimea_River (Dec 24, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 26, 2017)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 26, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2017)




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## Wurger (Dec 27, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 28, 2017)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 28, 2017)

Those are awesome!


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## Smokey Stover (Dec 28, 2017)

LOL

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## Airframes (Dec 29, 2017)

Assume crash positions !
(With thanks to the 'Airplane' movie.)

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## Wayne Little (Dec 29, 2017)

and no Shirley jokes...


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## Smokey Stover (Dec 29, 2017)



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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2017)




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## CORSNING (Dec 31, 2017)



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## CORSNING (Dec 31, 2017)

Your welcome, Jeff

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## Gnomey (Dec 31, 2017)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 1, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Jan 4, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jan 4, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2018)




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## Wurger (Jan 6, 2018)

Something for Artesh.

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## Airframes (Jan 6, 2018)

Are they the FC. MkII, or the FC.MkIVRF ?

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## Wurger (Jan 6, 2018)

Seem to be the F Mk.IX/trop.


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## Airframes (Jan 6, 2018)

Ah, of course. I should have noticed the 'filter weave' on the leading edge !

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## Wurger (Jan 6, 2018)

Yep... and the cockpits of the open type.


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## Crimea_River (Jan 7, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jan 7, 2018)

LMAO!!!!!!


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## Wurger (Jan 7, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jan 7, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 8, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 10, 2018)

Take note SJWs

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## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2018)




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## javlin (Jan 10, 2018)

Cute


HANDYMAN HUSBAND

On a cold winter morning, with 3 ft of snow on the ground outside, wife
texts husband:

"WINDOWS FROZEN, WON'T OPEN"

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/


Husband texts back:

"POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT AND TAP GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A
HAMMER"

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/





Five minutes later wife texts husband:

"COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW"

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## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 12, 2018)

*The Tax System Explained in Beer Money



*

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
- The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
- The fifth would pay $1.
- The sixth would pay $3.
- The seventh would pay $7.
- The eighth would pay $12.
- The ninth would pay $18
- The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But, what about the other six men? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But, if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. Hmm, what should they do?
So, the bar owner suggested that, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was. In a couple of minutes he then showed them the amounts he suggested that each should now pay:
· Fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
· The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 ... (33% savings).
· The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7... (28% savings).
· The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 ... (25% savings).
· The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ... (22% savings).
· The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 ... (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And, the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“The Sixth man declared, “I only got a dollar out of the $20 savings!” He pointed to the tenth man, “But, he got $10!"
The fifth man exclaimed, ”I’m happy, I drink for free and I saved a dollar. But, It seems unfair that he received ten times more benefit than me!"
The seventh man shouted, "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
“Wait a minute!”, yelled the first four men in unison, "We didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
All of a sudden the nine men surrounded the tenth man and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him.
But, when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important -- they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And, that is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and, they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere in the pubs is somewhat friendlier.

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## michaelmaltby (Jan 14, 2018)

Enough with the "Rescue" dogs. already
Conan:
Small Dead Animals


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## Gnomey (Jan 14, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 15, 2018)




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## at6 (Jan 15, 2018)

michaelmaltby said:


> Enough with the "Rescue" dogs. already
> Conan:
> Small Dead Animals


H*ll!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing new at that site that I don't already know. But then again, I believe in People Eating Tasty Animals.

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## Wayne Little (Jan 18, 2018)

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.

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## fubar57 (Jan 18, 2018)

Realistic Foosball

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## Wurger (Jan 18, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 23, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jan 23, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jan 23, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 24, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jan 24, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 24, 2018)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 24, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2018)




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## javlin (Jan 24, 2018)

Now to go and find a cat 





We just had to have her r/rear knee worked on .

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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2018)

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!

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## Wurger (Jan 26, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jan 26, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Feb 1, 2018)

In Canada, our government, in its eternal wisdom, will by the end of this summer have passed two laws. They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage

2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.” 

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 3, 2018)




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## javlin (Feb 4, 2018)

A 78 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.

After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:

“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition”.

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

“Paint my house.”

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## Crimea_River (Feb 4, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 4, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> View attachment 478423


Almost makes me think those tracks were made by Mr. Richard Stepper, ESQ.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 6, 2018)




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## Wurger (Feb 6, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 6, 2018)

Hansie Bloeckmann said:


> Almost makes me think those tracks were made by Mr. Richard Stepper, ESQ.


Thanks for the "smile" emojie-- Dick Stepper- senior partner in the Law Firm: Dewey, Cheatum and Howe LLC


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## michaelmaltby (Feb 6, 2018)



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## Wurger (Feb 6, 2018)

Rather doesn't. IMHO she needs the dentist's help.About an ophthalmologist's one I don't mention.

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## Graeme (Feb 6, 2018)

Wartime humour. 1940...

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## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2018)




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## buffnut453 (Feb 6, 2018)

Graeme said:


> Wartime humour. 1940...
> 
> View attachment 481539



Ok...that's a good one. Still funny after 75 years!


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## Crimea_River (Feb 6, 2018)

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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## javlin (Feb 6, 2018)

Hansie Bloeckmann said:


> Almost makes me think those tracks were made by Mr. Richard Stepper, ESQ.


It took me an extra minute to figure out the "Line" in the sand us Southern Boys are just a tad slow

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## SANCER (Feb 7, 2018)

I just found with this thread and I hope to make some contributions to our pleasant community.


Let me start with something that has to do with a good state of health:

_During a medical review.-
Doctor: Do you practice any dangerous activity?
Patient: Sometimes I contradict my wife .._. 

Another one and I hope to start winning the floor right. 

_I remember my mom telling me:_
_1.- Go to bed early.
2.- Do not go out all day, stay at home.
3.- Do not go to a party
My punishments in childhood have become my adult goals._  ... 

Saludos 
Luis Carlos

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## Wurger (Feb 7, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 7, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 7, 2018)

javlin said:


> It took me an extra minute to figure out the "Line" in the sand us Southern Boys are just a tad slow


Just wondering- did you. by chance, happen to see the movie- "Sling Blade"?? If so, do you recall the joke told about the two Southern Good Ol' Boys leaning over a bridge (Tallhatchie maybe)?-- and "dickie-dunkin'"?? If so, you'll know where I am comin' from. I'm a Yankee Midwestern Flatlander by birth- but my 2 favorite songs are: Georgia On My Mind- and Phil Harris' "That's what I like about the South"-- and when I have a glass of Bourbon and Branch water, it's George Dickel. Best--Hansie


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## Crimea_River (Feb 7, 2018)

Golf joke 2:

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

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## SANCER (Feb 7, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> Golf joke 2:
> 
> A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
> Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


... that's right, it's no secret. You start at hole 1, follow hole 2 and so on ... hahaha, the reporter must keep looking for work ...


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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 7, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> Golf joke 2:
> 
> A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
> Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


Here's a golf joke I heard at a recent poker game-before the Super Bowl started: A single guy lives for golf, but he plays to a 8 handicap. His work allows him to get in an early nine holes (dew-cutter) on his favorite course 4-5 days a week- solo-- One morning, he slices his tee shot into the woods, and sees smoke arising- nobody else out that early, so he strolls over to the smoke and sees a witch stirring a pot, suspended over a wood fire. "Hey, what's going on here?" he asks the hag. "I'm making golf pills" was her answer. "Golf pills?" he asks- what's the deal?"- "Well, handsome, the idea is-you take one a day, and by a month or so, you are a scratch handicap golfer, ready for the pro circuit if you wish". "Hummm-have they been tested yet?" "Not quite, but if you'd like to try a sample for free, I'll be glad to give you some" said the witch. "Oh boy, I would- but- don't give them to anyone else until I have gone a month-trial basis" he said. "OK, here you are- one every morning at breakfast-but, I should tell you about a possible side-effect- your sex drive might diminish somewhat"-- "Never mind that, Lady, give me the pills!"--

A month goes by, he has taken a golf pill religiously every morning, and his handicap is now at 1, instead of 8. But a big tournament at his club is on the horizon, and he needs more golf pills- so he goes back out to the course at sun-up, looking for the witch. He finds her in the trees, where he sliced his drive a month ago- walks up and says-" Good morning, I need more golf pills please." "Well, that will be $100 for a 30 day supply, Mister- no more freebies!" "Fair enough, "-and he opens his wallet and take out a Benjamin-hands it to her and takes the bottle of golf pills, a big smile on his face.

"Say, dearie" said the witch- they must be working for you!" "They are" was the reply-very well indeed. "Glad to hear that-but tell me, how about your sex drive-how is that?" "Well, you were right-I used to be "in the saddle" about 4-5 times a week- now it is down to 2 times a week- but what the Hell- that ain't all bad for a Catholic Priest with a small parish, right?"--

Father O'Bannion told us that joke- but he is better poker player than a golfer--

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## gumbyk (Feb 8, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 8, 2018)

gumbyk said:


> View attachment 481782


I'll wager that the CAG on that carrier went "ballistic" after that event..


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## Crimea_River (Feb 8, 2018)

Golf Joke #3:

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

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## Wurger (Feb 9, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 9, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (Feb 9, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> Golf Joke #3:
> 
> Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
> The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
> ...




LMAO!


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## BAGTIC (Feb 9, 2018)

trackend said:


> Great one


In my day those were called Polish revolvers.


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## Crimea_River (Feb 9, 2018)

Golf Joke #4:

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

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## Wayne Little (Feb 10, 2018)




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## SANCER (Feb 10, 2018)

A motorcyclist circulated about 150km / h on the highway. Suddenly a bird appears out of nowhere and puuuuukkkkk !!!!!!!, HIT HIM in front with the helmet.

In the rearview mirror he sees that the little bird was spinning until it was lying on the pavement. And he said: - 'bad luck -... and still on the bike his way ..... but .... could not forget that heartbreaking image of the bird.

He could not contain the ecological remorse and returns to pick it up. 
The little bird was totally unconscious, as if dead, but the motorcyclist took it anyway, bought him a small cage and left it at home, making sure to put a little bread and water for the little animal.

The next day the little bird wakes up all sore and dizzy, and noticing that he was in a cage he says:


_* -Fuck !!! ... ... kill the motorcycle guy !!!!!!! - 
*_

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## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2018)




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## pbehn (Feb 10, 2018)

The England Wales Rugby game today promised to be a hard close game, I was worried when Wales named Moriarty in their line up but my mind was set at rest when I realised we had Mr Watson on the England team. I believe the England Rugby team are looking for a Sherlock or Holmes before the world cup comes around.

*Team details*
*England: *Brown; *Watson*, Joseph, Farrell, May; Ford, Care; Vunipola, Hartley, Cole, Launchbury, Itoje, Lawes, Robshaw, Simmonds.
*Wales:* Anscombe; Adams, S Williams, Parkes, S Evans; Patchell, G Davies; R Evans, Owens, Lee, Hill, AW Jones, Shingler, Navidi, *Moriarty*.

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## SANCER (Feb 10, 2018)

Adam and Eve strolled through paradise. 
And Eva asks:
-Adam, do you love me? -
And Adam grumbling, says:
Do I have another alternative? 
...

ok, ... I'm going to pick up my coat.

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## Crimea_River (Feb 10, 2018)

Golf Joke #5:

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

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## SANCER (Feb 10, 2018)

...a great "eagle" shot!


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## Wurger (Feb 11, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 11, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> Golf Joke #5:
> 
> A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
> Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
> ...


Here's another Golf Joke: A couple, Herb and Marie, live in a condo near a private golf course, and golf is their passion. Their jobs allow them to get in an early 9 holes each day before work- The club had just developed a back nine, after purchasing 160 acres a year ago, and when they showed up at 0600 for their "dew-cutter", the club pro walked up and said: "Good morning folks, how would you like to play the new nine?"

"What do you think, Marie should we give it a go?. "I'd like to."she replied-

So they head for the first tee- they played 5 holes and when they get to the 6th hole- a 515 yard dogleg par 5 hole, he turns to her and said: "Honey, I think I can beat the dogleg if I fade my drive over that big stand of trees, and get on the green in 2, what do you think?"

"Why not?, use that Big Bertha driver for fade and distance, try it." she replied.

So he tees it up, and as the ball heads for the inside bend, it drops and bounces back from a tree limb, and strikes his wife on her forehead, putting her into a coma, and sadly, ending her golf career.

A year goes by, and he's playing in his usual Thursday afternoon 4-some, and they are on the back nine-- Best Ball, partners--, and on the 6th hole, his partner has the honors, and when he sets his tee into the grass, he turns and says: "Say Herb, what do you think about me fading my drive over that stand of trees?"

"Well, Walt, I never tell my partner how to play any shot, but I can tell you this- I tried the same approach a year ago, and I double-bogeyed the damn hole!"

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## Crimea_River (Feb 11, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2018)




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## SANCER (Feb 12, 2018)

Friends, I need your help. 
A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:

_*"You are right" 
.*_
.
.
...  ...
What should be done in those cases?

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## at6 (Feb 12, 2018)

SANCER said:


> Friends, I need your help.
> A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:
> 
> _*"You are right"
> ...


Run and hide now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's up to something.

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## pbehn (Feb 12, 2018)

SANCER said:


> Friends, I need your help.
> A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:
> 
> _*"You are right"
> ...


Check the car for damage and the wardrobe for new shoes, outfits and handbags.

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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 12, 2018)

SANCER said:


> Friends, I need your help.
> A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:
> 
> _*"You are right"
> ...


Check to see if she is really your wife- or her twin sister instead-the unmarried one. Want a definition of the weather forecaster's term "Relative Humidity"??Your wife is out shopping, but her twin sister stays back with you- You are both involved in a "doggy-styled" operation upstairs, in the master bedroom, when she comes home unexpectedly early, and shouts from downstairs- 'Honey, I'm home early'.
Relative humidity, in this case, is the sudden sweat that rolls down your cheeks and chin as you hurry to "uncouple" and get her sister stashed in the closet, and your clothes back on, and the big smile off your face-before she can make it up the stairs with her packages from Rodeo Drive. That's relative humidity, Amigo Mio!!

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## SANCER (Feb 12, 2018)

Hansie Bloeckmann said:


> Check to see if she is really your wife- or her twin sister instead-the unmarried one....



Hahaha, I had not thought about "the twin sister who never mentioned me"
I think you and I could have good talks

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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 12, 2018)

SANCER said:


> Hahaha, I had not thought about "the twin sister who never mentioned me"
> I think you and I could have good talks


Si, amigo. Yo acquerdo. Quieres una cervesa Alemania? O, quizas, Dos Equis?

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## pbehn (Feb 12, 2018)

SANCER said:


> Friends, I need your help.
> A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:
> 
> _*"You are right"
> ...


If you are disturbed by the change in the equilibrium in your relationship, get a dog (if you don't have one) and encourage your wife to meet other female dog walkers. Female dog walkers will convince your wife that no man is ever right. 

My divorced sister in law has a dog that she walks, with other divorced women who have dogs. There are only two topics of discussion when these get together, that is dogs (of course) and men (what is wrong with them). I only met her with her dog walking circle twice, any male friends they ever had who heard what I heard would run a mile and then keep running. The funny thing is they were all looking for a man but somehow it never worked out with any of them.

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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 12, 2018)

pbehn said:


> If you are disturbed by the change in the equilibrium in your relationship, get a dog (if you don't have one) and encourage your wife to meet other female dog walkers. Female dog walkers will convince your wife that no man is ever right.
> 
> My divorced sister in law has a dog that she walks, with other divorced women who have dogs. There are only two topics of discussion when these get together, that is dogs (of course) and men (what is wrong with them). I only met her with her dog walking circle twice, any male friends they ever had who heard what I heard would run a mile and then keep running. The funny thing is they were all looking for a man but somehow it never worked out with any of them.


A group of divorcees walking dogs, chatting, and all of them looking for a new man in their lives. Doesn't sound too promising, judged from the male point of view. Men who understand and live by the "Code" , no matter their ancestry, make the best: (1)husbands, or (2) boy-friends. Because few, if any women, understand the "Guy Code" and its rules and regs, informally enforced by males, they stand little chance in finding a new male companion they can learn to live with. No wonder divorce lawyers make "big bucks"!! Just my 2 cents worth--Hansie

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## pbehn (Feb 12, 2018)

Hansie Bloeckmann said:


> A group of divorcees walking dogs, chatting, and all of them looking for a new man in their lives. Doesn't sound too promising, judged from the male point of view. Men who understand and live by the "Code" , no matter their ancestry, make the best: (1)husbands, or (2) boy-friends. Because few, if any women, understand the "Guy Code" and its rules and regs, informally enforced by males, they stand little chance in finding a new male companion they can learn to live with. No wonder divorce lawyers make "big bucks"!! Just my 2 cents worth--Hansie


The only compliment my sister in law ever made to me was that "You have a strong feminine side, you look after your children well, and treat your wife with respect" There you have it guys, respecting your wife and looking after your kids is only a feminine trait. Revenge is always a dish served cold, when she had a minor bump in her car I simply remarked that she "didn't have any masculine side at all, which is a shame" that was when the argument really started. We havnt spoken for years, there have been two family funerals in the last five years and we manage to go through all the politesse without actually speaking or even looking each other in the eye.

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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 12, 2018)

pbehn said:


> The only compliment my sister in law ever made to me was that "You have a strong feminine side, you look after your children well, and treat your wife with respect" There you have it guys, respecting your wife and looking after your kids is only a feminine trait. Revenge is always a dish served cold, when she had a minor bump in her car I simply remarked that she "didn't have any masculine side at all, which is a shame" that was when the argument really started. We havnt spoken for years, there have been two family funerals in the last five years and we manage to go through all the politesse without actually speaking or even looking each other in the eye.


"La Vengaza"-- always a dish better when served cold- Old Sicilian wisdom-- very akin to the wisdom of Confucious- who said it this way: "A man who will carry a grudge against another, will end up digging TWO graves."--

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## javlin (Feb 12, 2018)

"I MISS BILL"
It doesn't matter what party you belong to this is good natured political
humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses
Bill Clinton....
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him .... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves
this week with "Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations'
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water..
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in
the Oval Office between the Bushes.

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## SANCER (Feb 13, 2018)

One morning, the husband returns to his cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although she does not know the lake well, the woman decides to go out in the boat. He goes inland, anchors and reads a book ..
A guard comes in his boat, approaches the woman and says:

- Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?
- Reading a book- she answers (thinking 'Is not it obvious?')
- You're in a restricted area for fishing- he informs her.
- Excuse me, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
- Yes, but you have all the equipment, from what I see, you could start at any time, I will have to take it and stop it.
- If you do that, I'll have to accuse you of sexual abuse, says the woman ...
- But I did not even touch you! - says the guard.
- It's true, but you have the whole equipment. From what I see, you could start at any time.
- Excuse me, have a nice day, lady, and left ...
* MORALEJA *:

Never argue with a woman who reads ... because she knows how to think.

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## Wurger (Feb 13, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 13, 2018)

good one....


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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 13, 2018)

javlin said:


> "I MISS BILL"
> It doesn't matter what party you belong to this is good natured political
> humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses
> Bill Clinton....
> ...


Here's another "Slick Willie" story, if I may. Bill and Billary are in their new home, after his 8 years of POTUS-ing. Bill goes out for a walk every morning, usually gone about 1/2 hour- takes the same route- One day, a hooker is on the corner, she gives Bill and big smile and says:" How about a go, Mr. President-?" "Ok, how much?" answers Bill. She is not bad looking either. "$50.00" was her answer. "No can do, honey- $5.00 is all I can spend today!"

Bill walks back home, and this happens again 3 more times that week, each time Bill is gone longer on his walk. Next week, as he is getting set to walk, Billary says to him:"Honey, how about I come along with you this morning?" Bill can't say no, doing so might arouse suspicion. So they head out, but Bill plays it safe, and takes a slightly different route this time. Heading back, no sign of the $50 hooker, until he turns the corner- there is the $50 piece of tail, she looks at Bill and his wife- and shouts: "Serves you right, you cheapskate-see what you get for $5.00

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## Gnomey (Feb 13, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 13, 2018)

Gnomey said:


>


Once more; Chelsea has a hot date, a Harvard lad-picks her up Saturday night at their upstate NY home, meets her parents-all seems fine. But Hillary, being the "mother hen" waits up for her only child to return-which she does, about 3 o'clock in the AM-- hair all mussed, skirt askew, her blouse unbuttoned, lipstick smeared- Hillary takes one look and says: "Chelsea, don't tell me you and that Harvard boy had sex tonight!" "Well, Mom, according to Daddy, we didn't" was her daughter's reply.

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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 13, 2018)

Can you guys handle one more Clinton joke?? Hope so-here's the last one I know. After Bill becomes an ex-President, Hillary decides she wants to run for a Senate seat in NY - Bill, being a career politician, thinks they should take a trip Upstate and hit the small rural areas- visit the bars and coffee shops, etc.

So he tells Hillary that they will rent a pickup truck, get some Carhartt's and Dickies from the Goodwill store, and rent a big friendly dog for the week-end and head North-- Bill feels they will blend in better than if they drove up in a BMW, wearing Armani and Vera Wang-- and all country folks like dogs.

So they end up far North of Albany- park in front of the Shamrock Tavern, and with their rented Labrador retriever, sit at the bar and watch a Knicks game and have a few brews with the locals. After a while, some locals wander in, and go to the dog, lift up its tail, look at its hindquarters, and walk away, shaking their heads, back towards the shuffleboard and pool table in the back.

"Honey, why don't you ask the next person that comes over to check out the dog's rear end-if this is some local custom-I've never seen anyone do that?"

"Ok, I will" Bill replied. After a few minutes, another farmer comes over, says "Hi" and checks out the dog-shakes his head and starts to leave. "Hey, Mister, Bill calls out. We are the Clintons, and we wonder why you and your friends here have to check out the dog's hindquarters."

"Oh, Mr. Clinton- we mean no harm- a bunch of us were across the street at Abner's Feed & Seed, and we saw you folks and the dog come into the Shamrock. Now, we see a lot of dawgs up here, but when Abner told us- "Fellas, why don't you go over to the Shamrock and check out the dog with two assholes-- and so we did!""

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## Wayne Little (Feb 14, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2018)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 14, 2018)

LMAO!

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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 14, 2018)

vikingBerserker said:


> LMAO!


Danke-Herr Berserker- all out of Clinton jokes for the moment, but as they tended to be "Shaggy Dog" varieties- here's another joke, if I may-- maybe another LMAO scenario- I took that remark as a bit of a compliment.

Happy Hour-- gent walks in, sits at the bar, and orders a Scotch- sips his drink and hears piano music- looks over, and at the end of the bar, sits a piano with midget player--black Steinway baby grand in miniature- but playing Billy Joel tunes like there is no tomorrow-. When the barkeep comes by for his refill, he asks: "Say, that's really great, where on earth did you get that miniature piano and the little man playing it?" "Don't ask me, Pal"-was his reply- "It brings back memories of the worst day in my life."--

The gent ponders this while he sips his drink, and then flags down the bartender- "Hey, what's not to like- this little guy plays great stuff, and your customers seem to like it!" "OK, Pal- here's the story-- Two weeks ago, in the morning before I open at noon, I'm walking along the beach, and I see this lamp lying on the sand-so I pick it up, rub it a bit- and damn- this goofy looking genie pops out, all hung over, and tells me I can get one wish-one wish- none of that three wishes, but what the hey- I made it simple enough-and look what I ended up with!""

"Why are you complaining then-- I've never seen anything like this in any bar- what's wrong with that?" "What's wrong, you ask?- I asked him for a 12 inch Penis, not Pianist."

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## Wayne Little (Feb 15, 2018)

__


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## Gnomey (Feb 15, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Feb 19, 2018)

*Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"*

*Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."*

*Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."*

*Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"*

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## Wurger (Feb 19, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 19, 2018)

A gent walks into a bar-mid-afternoon-- sits on stool and orders a Scotch-on the rocks. Ball game on the TV, bar has a few folks at the tables, two guys playing 8-ball in the back-just another slow bar afternoon--

"How much?" he asks the bar tender as he sips his Chivas- "On the house, my friend" answers the bar tender. "Say, that's mighty nice of you-thanks!" He watches the Cubs play the Cards, sips his drink- a while later, the barkeep asks him- "You ready for a refill?-No charge!"-- "Well, now that you put it that way, sure" he replied. 

This goes on for several more drinks, the bar starts to get busier- finally he asks the barkeep how come he's drinking expensive Scotch Whisky "On The House"-- the barkeep tells him: "It's like this- there's a motel across the street,- and my boss is in that motel with my girl friend, room 111- so- I'm doin' to him what he's doin' to her-- even up".

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## Wayne Little (Feb 20, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Feb 22, 2018)



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## Wayne Little (Feb 23, 2018)




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## Wurger (Feb 23, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Feb 23, 2018)

"Recalls to mind- Hemingway's comment- "An old man is an ugly thing to behold"-- Ol' Ernie never said that about an older couple- but people who look that badly should never appear unclothed in any public venue. Uggggly!!

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## fubar57 (Mar 1, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 1, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Mar 1, 2018)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 484557​


Never happen to old Ralphie Kramden-- "One of these days, One of these days- Pow-right in the kisser!" No Greyhound needed.

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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2018)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 2, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Mar 2, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 2, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Mar 3, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 4, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Mar 4, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 4, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Mar 4, 2018)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 484912​


"Go with the flow?"


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## Gnomey (Mar 4, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 4, 2018)

That's about right Geo.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 6, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

This one is for all those out there that were as lost as I was.
Quote:
The first time I married a woman that I thought I could live with.
The second time I married a woman I knew I could not live without.

Author: Me


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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 7, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 7, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

Amen brother!

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

Yea, you guys know what I'm talking about.

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

OK, that's where I draw the line. My application's in elsewhere!

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

Ok then, after / before, do you have the concept?

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

Yea, that's right. It actually happens.

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

THE QUOTE OF



THE DAY FOR ALL YOU YOUNGUNS!

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

Truth is, I am not quite sure how to take this. Yea, I know its funny but....
Quote:
Forgiveness is a great burden off* your* shoulders.

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

Damn, that's a great idea for October.

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

I had four and one stepchild. I know this to be an absolute truth.

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

Boy ain't that the truth when your 60 and older!

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

I have absolutely nothing to add to that!

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

This really isn't funny at all.

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

This pretty much sums up the entire story of my life!

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

youall are on your own with this one.

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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Mar 7, 2018)

The truth is the truth.

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## Lucky13 (Mar 7, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 7, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 7, 2018)

_I fell off my stool in the pub last night,
A truly fantastic, yet sobering sight!
With legs akimbo I sailed through the air,
Heard my wife scream, and then watched the pub stare!
“It isn’t my fault!” was the thought in my head
As I sailed through the air thinking: “I’ll soon be dead…”
The problem you see was we’d taken the dog,
(He lies at my feet as I sample the grog…),
We’d tied the dog’s lead round the leg of my stool,
(Oh, why did we do that? I feel such a fool!)
For as I was supping, it came through the door,
A bloody great mastiff you couldn’t ignore!
I heard my dog growling, and told him to shush,
But then my dog launched himself, all of a-rush!
He took my stool with him, I flew in the air,
(I wish I’d been using a heavier chair!)
I flew through the air, since he’d caught me off-guard,
Flew through the air and then hit the floor hard...
The one saving grace that I took from this fall?
I’d not spilt my beer, no, not one drop at all!
I sat up and raised my glass, finished my beer,
At which point the guys in the pub gave a cheer!
I stood up and leaned on the bar with its ales,
And looked at the dogs (now both wagging their tails…),
I turned to my wife with the hint of a grin:
“I think it’s your round dear, so go get ‘em in!”_

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## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2018)




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## javlin (Mar 7, 2018)

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 9, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 9, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 9, 2018)

Your wife is 12 years old?


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## Wurger (Mar 9, 2018)

And the secret's out.


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## javlin (Mar 10, 2018)

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a
firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in
her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,'
yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

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## Gnomey (Mar 10, 2018)




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## javlin (Mar 12, 2018)

*Shoot or Don't Shoot???*

*A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.*

*While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.*

*For $100, the cabby agrees.*

*Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked
as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.*

*The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.*

*The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".*

*"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".*

*"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."*

*"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."*

*"HE paid for our house at the lake."*

*"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."*

*"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."*

*"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."*

*Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."*

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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 13, 2018)




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## Wurger (Mar 13, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Mar 13, 2018)




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## v2 (Mar 14, 2018)

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said i...n court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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## Wurger (Mar 14, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 14, 2018)

Always a pleasure to read those again.


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## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 15, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2018)



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## Wurger (Mar 19, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 20, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Mar 21, 2018)

All true. Tis the pothole season in my part of the world, hit one on my last trip, thankfully it was just a new born. However........

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## Crimea_River (Mar 21, 2018)

The wife hit one the other day. Brand new vehicle. 500 bucks for new tire and alignment.

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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2018)

Nasty things...


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## Wayne Little (Mar 22, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> The wife hit one the other day. Brand new vehicle. 500 bucks for new tire and alignment.



That's no laughing matter Andy.....

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 22, 2018)

*The Lord's Prayer is not allowed in most U.S. Public schools any more.*

*A 15 year old kid in Minnesota wrote the following NEW School Prayer:-*

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*Now I sit me down in school*

*Where praying is against the rule*

*For this great nation under God*

*Finds mention of Him very odd*

*If scripture now the class recites,*

*It violates the Bill of Rights.*

*And anytime my head I bow*

*Becomes a Federal matter now*

*Our hair can be purple, orange or green,*

*That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.*

*The law is specific, the law is precise.*

*Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice*

*For praying in a public hall*

*Might offend someone with no faith at all.*

*In silence alone we must meditate,*

*God's name is prohibited by the State.*

*We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,*

*And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.*

*They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.*

*To quote the Good Book makes me liable.*

*We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,*

*And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.*

*It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong.*

*We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.*

*We can get our condoms and birth controls,*

*Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.*

*But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,*

*No word of God must reach this crowd.*

*It's scary here I must confess,*

*When chaos reigns the school's a mess.*

*So, Lord, this silent plea I make:*

*Should I be shot; My soul please take!*

* Amen*

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## Radman95611 (Mar 22, 2018)

michaelmaltby said:


> *The Lord's Prayer is not allowed in most U.S. Public schools any more.*
> 
> *A 15 year old kid in Minnesota wrote the following NEW School Prayer:-*
> 
> ...


And yet everyone wonders why our children are such a mess.......

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## gumbyk (Mar 22, 2018)

Radman95611 said:


> And yet everyone wonders why our children are such a mess.......


Lets not get into that here...


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## Lucky13 (Mar 23, 2018)

Not enough bacon and far too many taking part medals!


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## Crimea_River (Mar 25, 2018)

*To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, maybe try the following, like I'm doing. Here's what I'm doing to gain better understanding:

I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles. 
Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. 
I also listen to their conversations, then give them the "THUMBS UP" and tell them I like them. 
And it works! 
I already have four people following me: 
Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.*

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## Airframes (Mar 25, 2018)

Sums it up nicely !


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## pbehn (Mar 25, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> *To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, maybe try the following, like I'm doing. Here's what I'm doing to gain better understanding:
> 
> I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles.
> Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
> ...


When my daughter visited Germany a few times where I was working, in the six weeks (in total) she was there she amassed around 80 friends on facebook only about 20 of them she had met and only 3 spoke English. People seem to be obliged to add other people with no intention of ever really having any interaction, my daughter didn't like to refuse a rquest in case she offended someone I knew. Very strange.

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## Lucky13 (Mar 26, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2018)




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## Hansie Bloeckmann (Mar 27, 2018)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 487370


Just curious- "chipping" on the prop blades, and the cowling area-- how is that done, what tool or tools are used, and the end result gives those aircraft parts a "weather-beaten" appearance, perhaps? Hansie


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## fubar57 (Mar 29, 2018)



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## Crimea_River (Mar 29, 2018)

So true!


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## Gnomey (Mar 29, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 30, 2018)




----------



## v2 (Apr 3, 2018)

...

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## Wayne Little (Apr 3, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 3, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Apr 3, 2018)




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## Glider (Apr 3, 2018)

It isn't the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog (or cat)
Keep it clean boys! Cat and dog pals duke it out in epic battle

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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 11, 2018)




----------



## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 12, 2018)



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## Thorlifter (Apr 12, 2018)

What do elves first learn in school?




The elf-abet!

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## Airframes (Apr 12, 2018)

Get yer coat !

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## Gnomey (Apr 12, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 12, 2018)

"Mark... Hillary is having lunch with your family and they're really nice... Blame the Russians"...

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## Lucky13 (Apr 13, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 13, 2018)

A smooth tranny!


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## at6 (Apr 13, 2018)

Thorlifter said:


> What do elves first learn in school?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And you weren't banned for a clean joke?


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## Crimea_River (Apr 13, 2018)

Walk With Me While I Age

_I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my posting it will be worth the effort._ _Walk with me while I age - worth the read.
_
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:












SHIT.....

*I forgot the words.*

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## Gnomey (Apr 13, 2018)




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## Wurger (Apr 13, 2018)




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## javlin (Apr 13, 2018)

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies. 

'Fred what?' the officer asks. 

'Just Fred,' the man responds. 

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. 

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' 

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 15, 2018)



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## michaelmaltby (Apr 15, 2018)

The "Two Ronnie" was/is a vastly under-rated British comedy, IMHO.
When I last visited Estonia it was still encircled by Stalin's Wall ... Andropov was a _zealot _after the Decrepits ... ex-KGB man ... and the social drill had tightened and toughened up ... no overnight visits away from your Touriste Hotel ... no private car trips into the hinterland ... _everything_ by the book.
It was around June 25 .. so barely 3 hours of darkness. Tiina and I had spent the evening with her cousin, husband and two other couples ... the guys gravitated upstairs where I was introduced to boot-leg 2 Ronnies videos which we guys all watched until about 5 AM ... the ladies entertaining themselves downstairs.
It suddenly dawned on us that we had to be back for bed check at our hotel in downtown Tallinn. In the slow Nordic dawn we marched down deserted streets in this old Hansiatic city, modestly inebriated, replaying Two Ronnie jokes out loud to raucous laughter I remember thinking ... _this is how the curtain comes down_ .... humor and satire. It happened that way in Nazi Germany too.


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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2018)

Only in Australia....

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## Wurger (Apr 16, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2018)



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## Wurger (Apr 16, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 17, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 18, 2018)



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## Wurger (Apr 18, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2018)



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## Graeme (Apr 19, 2018)

I did.

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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2018)



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## Wayne Little (Apr 20, 2018)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 20, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Apr 20, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 21, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 21, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Apr 21, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 22, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 22, 2018)



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## Wurger (Apr 22, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 23, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Apr 23, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 24, 2018)



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## v2 (Apr 24, 2018)

...

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## Lucky13 (Apr 24, 2018)



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## SANCER (Apr 24, 2018)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 490918


Now, you understand me Robín?


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 24, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 25, 2018)



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## Airframes (Apr 25, 2018)

A small section of Wayne's stash .....................

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## Wayne Little (Apr 25, 2018)

Cheeky [email protected]


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## Lucky13 (Apr 25, 2018)

He's right though....


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 25, 2018)

I think thats the picture of his tomb he is building.


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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2018)

Yes Jan we know you have a problem you don't have to keep showing us it...


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## Lucky13 (Apr 25, 2018)

Oh....I thought that I was the problem, glad that that isn't the case!

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## Lucky13 (Apr 26, 2018)



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## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2018)



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## Airframes (Apr 27, 2018)

Er ............. OUCH !!


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## at6 (Apr 27, 2018)

Put a camera on it and it's a sigmoidoscope.


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 27, 2018)

My checks puckered on seeing that one!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2018)

What do you think that I noticed first?


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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2018)



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## Shortround6 (Apr 27, 2018)

Lucky13 said:


> What do you think that I noticed first?
> 
> View attachment 491261


The cap pistol on the right?


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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2018)

Lucky13 said:


> Oh....I thought that I was the problem, glad that that isn't the case!


Oh you are still...

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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2018)




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## Wurger (Apr 27, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Apr 27, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 28, 2018)

With the Brexit, there were worried people!

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## Gnomey (Apr 28, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 29, 2018)




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## at6 (Apr 29, 2018)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 491269


Are you sure that's paint?


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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2018)

Ever
Day 
Something
Else
Leaks....


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## fubar57 (May 1, 2018)



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## Wurger (May 1, 2018)




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## Glider (May 1, 2018)

This might be a repeat in which case forgive me, but I think it's funny

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## Gnomey (May 1, 2018)




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## VBF-13 (May 1, 2018)

Glider said:


> This might be a repeat in which case forgive me, but I think it's funny
> View attachment 491786

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## VBF-13 (May 2, 2018)

Ever get the feeling you lost something?

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## Lucky13 (May 2, 2018)



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## Wurger (May 2, 2018)




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## Gnomey (May 3, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (May 4, 2018)

The Slice ... [NSFW]

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=7e8S9rIIMDY_

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## at6 (May 4, 2018)

Now him I like. My kind of people.

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## Gnomey (May 4, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (May 5, 2018)




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## VBF-13 (May 5, 2018)



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## Gnomey (May 6, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2018)



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## Gnomey (May 8, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (May 9, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 10, 2018)



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## Gnomey (May 10, 2018)




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## mikewint (May 11, 2018)

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."

The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"






And the guy says, "Your light was on."

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## Gnomey (May 11, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 12, 2018)



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## Wurger (May 12, 2018)




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## Gnomey (May 12, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 14, 2018)



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## Gnomey (May 14, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (May 15, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 17, 2018)



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## Gnomey (May 18, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2018)

_Drink today and drown all sorrow
You may perhaps not be here tomorrow
Best while you have it, use your breath
There is no drinking after death._​

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## Wurger (May 20, 2018)




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## Gnomey (May 20, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (May 21, 2018)

an oldie but goodie ...

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=z0O_VYcsIk8_


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## Gnomey (May 21, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 21, 2018)

Some old classics....

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## Wayne Little (May 22, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (May 22, 2018)

Signs of the times ....

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## Gnomey (May 22, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 22, 2018)



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## Crimea_River (May 23, 2018)

The secret is out! Anus beef is the best!

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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2018)



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## Gnomey (May 24, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (May 25, 2018)

... what really goes on

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV4gVMgOynw_


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## Gnomey (May 25, 2018)




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## fubar57 (May 25, 2018)



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## Wurger (May 26, 2018)




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## SANCER (May 26, 2018)

SOLUTION
-A lady is going to take out her passport. The official in turn asks:
- How many children do you have, ma'am?
- Ten.
- How are they called?
- Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, and Bernardo.
- Everyone's name is Bernardo?
- And how do you call them when, for example, they are all playing outside?
- Very simple, I scream Bernardo and everyone enters.
- What if he wants them to go eat?
- Same. I scream Bernardo and everyone sits down to eat.
- But if you want to talk to one in particular, how do you do it?
- _Ah! In that case, I call him by his last name_.... 

Saludos

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## Wurger (May 26, 2018)




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## Gnomey (May 26, 2018)




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## fubar57 (May 27, 2018)

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

“Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

“Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”

“A room temperature IQ.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Bright as Alaska in December.”

“One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Fell out of the family tree.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“He’s so dense, light bends around him.”

“If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.”

“Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.”

“Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

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## fubar57 (May 27, 2018)



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## michaelmaltby (May 27, 2018)

... lots of canister rounds stored in the basement, I trust


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## michaelmaltby (May 27, 2018)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=111&v=Zh3Yz3PiXZw_

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## Gnomey (May 27, 2018)




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## SANCER (May 27, 2018)

WIDOWS
There are two widows in a cemetery, a very happy one cleaning the "_lápida_" of her husband and singing like crazy.
The other very sadly crying.
After a while, the disconsolate looks at the happy and asks:
- Oh, ma'am, how long have you been widowed?
- Six months - the other answered cheerfully.
- And how can I be so happy if I have been around for 3 years and I have not been able to overcome this pain?
-_ Ay mijita_! because after many years, it is the first time that I know WHERE he is and WHO is "eating" him‼️... 

Saludos

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## Gnomey (May 28, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (May 28, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (May 28, 2018)

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed
to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped
in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news,"
says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what"s the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it"s a
woman"s arm and I"ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how"s the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the
businessman. "I"m playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That"s great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I"ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I"ve even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors."
"That"s unbelievable!" said the surgeon,"I"m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

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## vikingBerserker (May 29, 2018)

LMAO!


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## Wurger (May 29, 2018)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (May 29, 2018)

Man, ain't that the truth!

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## Wayne Little (May 30, 2018)




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## Wurger (May 30, 2018)




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## fubar57 (May 30, 2018)



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## fubar57 (May 30, 2018)

In light of some of the recent posts in various threads...

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## Gnomey (May 30, 2018)




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## at6 (May 30, 2018)

fubar57 said:


> In light of some of the recent posts in various threads...
> 
> View attachment 495582​


They can ban us but according to the Geneva Convention, they can't eat us.

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## Lucky13 (May 30, 2018)



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## fubar57 (May 30, 2018)



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## Elvis (May 30, 2018)



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## Gnomey (May 31, 2018)




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## SANCER (May 31, 2018)

THE SHAMPOO

A Galician says to another:
- Hey Manolo, pass me another shampoo
- But if there in the bathroom there is one
- Yes man, but this one is for dry hair and I've already wet it... 

Saludos

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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2018)




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## Elvis (Jun 5, 2018)

_"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. There'll be a slight delay to our departure..."_

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## Elvis (Jun 5, 2018)



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## Elvis (Jun 5, 2018)



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## Elvis (Jun 5, 2018)



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## Elvis (Jun 5, 2018)



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## Capt. Vick (Jun 6, 2018)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 6, 2018)

Guess the modelling session is over....

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## fubar57 (Jun 6, 2018)



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## Elvis (Jun 6, 2018)

Wayne Little said:


> Guess the modelling session is over....


If you notice, the box shows a Chinook, but in the rest of the pictures, he's holding a Huey....there may be more than one joke in that post! =D

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## Glider (Jun 6, 2018)

Elvis said:


> If you notice, the box shows a Chinook, but in the rest of the pictures, he's holding a Huey....there may be more than one joke in that post! =D


I don't know what you do for a living, but if your not an Auditor I strongly suggest you become one. If you came to audit wherever I have worked in my life, you would scare the heck out of me

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## Elvis (Jun 6, 2018)

...????


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## Glider (Jun 6, 2018)

With such an eye for detail despite what is going on around you, in this case the humour, you would be an excellent auditor. It was a compliment not a dig.

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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2018)




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## Elvis (Jun 6, 2018)

Glider said:


> With such an eye for detail despite what is going on around you, in this case the humour, you would be an excellent auditor. It was a compliment not a dig.


Wasn't taking it as a dig, but wasn't sure what you were getting at.
Thank you for the kind words. That's nice of you to say.


Elvis


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## gumbyk (Jun 6, 2018)

Glider said:


> I don't know what you do for a living, but if your not an Auditor I strongly suggest you become one. If you came to audit wherever I have worked in my life, you would scare the heck out of me


Funny, that stood out to me too.


And, yes, I am one...

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## fubar57 (Jun 7, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jun 7, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Jun 7, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (Jun 7, 2018)

That really sad part is, yes I have!

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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 12, 2018)




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## Capt. Vick (Jun 15, 2018)

The only "six-pack" I'm ever likely to get

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## Capt. Vick (Jun 15, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Jun 15, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 16, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jun 16, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jun 16, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 19, 2018)

...


----------



## Smokey Stover (Jun 19, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (Jun 19, 2018)

LMAO!

NICE!

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## Gnomey (Jun 19, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jun 20, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jun 20, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jun 20, 2018)



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## Elvis (Jun 20, 2018)

I was going to tell a time travelling joke....but you guys didn't get it.

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## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Jun 21, 2018)



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## Smokey Stover (Jun 21, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jun 22, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jun 22, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 23, 2018)



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## Smokey Stover (Jun 23, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Jun 23, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jun 24, 2018)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 25, 2018)




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## Smokey Stover (Jun 25, 2018)



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## Elvis (Jun 25, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Jun 25, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2018)



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## Elvis (Jun 25, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 26, 2018)

Good on Jan...!


----------



## Smokey Stover (Jun 26, 2018)

LOL

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## Smokey Stover (Jun 26, 2018)



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## pbehn (Jun 26, 2018)

Since Belgium and England play football this week here is a joke.

Hercule Poirot books into a hotel and goes to his room, he is furious to find an old woman in it with a cup and saucer on her head. Down at the reception desk he demands an explanation for this nonsense. The receptionist smiles and says "I'm awfully sorry Mr Poirot, but your booking says "tea on a rival".


My coat is on.

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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2018)




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## Smokey Stover (Jun 26, 2018)

It's that bad it's actually funny.... lol

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## pbehn (Jun 26, 2018)

Smokey Stover said:


> It's that bad it's actually funny.... lol


It was on the radio today, hard to put it in text.

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## Smokey Stover (Jun 27, 2018)

lol

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## Lucky13 (Jun 27, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (Jun 27, 2018)

Volume 2!


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 27, 2018)




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## Smokey Stover (Jun 28, 2018)

LOL When a shell just isnt enough, and you positively absolutely have to fire the whole tank at them!
Im not sure quite what is acceptable but If this is too inappropriate i will take it down.

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 28, 2018)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 28, 2018)



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## Smokey Stover (Jun 29, 2018)

Throwing rocks at a tank  lol But still, thats one brave kid

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## Smokey Stover (Jun 29, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 29, 2018)



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----------



## Wurger (Jun 29, 2018)




----------



## Gnomey (Jun 29, 2018)




----------



## Smokey Stover (Jun 30, 2018)



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## Smokey Stover (Jun 30, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2018)



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## Smokey Stover (Jul 1, 2018)



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## Smokey Stover (Jul 1, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 1, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jul 1, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 3, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 4, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 4, 2018)



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----------



## pbehn (Jul 4, 2018)

Rossi can crash at 200MPH because he is a GOD.


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 7, 2018)

The struggle is real, eh Wayne.....pick something from the stash!

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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2018)

That's real Jan....not a joke man....

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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2018)



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----------



## michaelmaltby (Jul 8, 2018)



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----------



## Wurger (Jul 8, 2018)




----------



## javlin (Jul 8, 2018)

Wayne Little said:


> That's real Jan....not a joke man....


Me too Wayne and I only got about 250 kits but about 2X what my LHS has they are on the suck list!!


----------



## at6 (Jul 8, 2018)

javlin said:


> Me too Wayne and I only got about 250 kits but about 2X what my LHS has they are on the suck list!!


I've got 500+ and all local sources are on the suck list.


----------



## javlin (Jul 8, 2018)

at6 said:


> I've got 500+ and all local sources are on the suck list.


Yeah it was an excellant shop five years ago and the original died and the wife sold it the last two owners keep going we are going to add some kits never happened.I drive an hour to Moblie for kits now.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 9, 2018)

I'm having a What model do I choose moment....


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 10, 2018)

Is that little freak show still around?


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2018)



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----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 11, 2018)




----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 11, 2018)

Whos the guy in #11,223?


----------



## fubar57 (Jul 11, 2018)

A survivor from a school shooting. There's a lot more about him but this is not the place. Google David Hogg and hang on, take it for what it was


----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 11, 2018)



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## Wurger (Jul 11, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 12, 2018)

*To be humble in victory
and gracious in defeat 
displays a strength of character 
and a level of honor.*​

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----------



## CORSNING (Jul 17, 2018)




----------



## CORSNING (Jul 17, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Jul 17, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 18, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 18, 2018)



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## ARTESH (Jul 18, 2018)

*** not political, just 4 fun ***


_View: https://www.instagram.com/p/BlYS6l0B-VA/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link_


Nobakht (minister of Economy): Iran`s Economy is OK!
Iran`s Economy: but you are not ok!

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## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 18, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2018)

Better believe it!

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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jul 19, 2018)

You forgot one Jan...

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## Wurger (Jul 19, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Jul 19, 2018)

I'm just going to take a wild guess that this is what Jan looks
like in an import model shop.

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## CORSNING (Jul 19, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Jul 19, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Jul 19, 2018)

Who the hell used up all the model glue?

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----------



## CORSNING (Jul 19, 2018)

Short dog jokes:

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## CORSNING (Jul 19, 2018)

Check things out from my perspective.

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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 19, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 20, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 20, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jul 21, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

I am a damn good employee. I go to work every day and
get the job done!

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

OK! Who drank my beer while I was in the restroom?






Woops!

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

Come here big boy.

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

Sorry guys, I just have no words for this one.

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

Really?

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

I really miss my parents. Dad passed in 1993, Mom in 2003.
Man, they could really throw a protective aura around my world.






Thank you Mom and Dad.
And thank you Lord for taking over.

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

Perfectly said sir.

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

NO WAY!

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

CAMOUFLAGE AT ITS BEST.......................

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

Every damn day people.....

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## CORSNING (Jul 21, 2018)

I will not be able to help you here..

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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 22, 2018)



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----------



## Wayne Little (Jul 22, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 22, 2018)



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----------



## fubar57 (Jul 22, 2018)

You really don't have to eat every day

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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 22, 2018)



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----------



## Wurger (Jul 23, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 23, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 23, 2018)

I thought that Terry told you already....

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## Lucky13 (Jul 23, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Jul 23, 2018)

The dreaded nightmare.

Uh oh.

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## fubar57 (Jul 23, 2018)



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----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 23, 2018)

BRILLIANT!


----------



## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2018)




----------



## Greg Boeser (Jul 23, 2018)

Father Flanagan waited quietly in the makeshift confessional in the base chaplain's office, as he did every morning when a big mission was scheduled. He was a serious man and saving souls in wartime was serious business. Soon he heard the office door creak open and the thud of GI boots crossed the wooden floor. A young airman knelt on the other side of the partition. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned!" said the young man. 
"Speak, child, the Lord is listening." replied the priest.
"Father, since my last confession I have been having impure thoughts." declared the penitent.
"Well, as you know," began the priest, "impurity is always grave matter, as the Lord Himself admonishes in Matthew, Chapter 5, _'whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery with her in his heart.'_ However, at times the Lord permits us to be tempted, so as to test our fidelity to Him and his His commandments. Tell me, my son, when these thoughts come to you, do you entertain them?"
The kneeler creaked as the penitent nervously shifted his weight. "Well, Father, I can't rightly say if I entertain _them, _but they sure do entertain_ me!"_

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## Gnomey (Jul 24, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Jul 24, 2018)



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## fubar57 (Jul 24, 2018)

"Bubbles", from the Canadian comedy series "Trailer Park Boys"






Trailer Park Boys - Wikipedia​

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## CORSNING (Jul 24, 2018)

I am not preaching here. This is just something to think about.

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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 31, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Jul 31, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Jul 31, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Aug 1, 2018)



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----------



## Greg Boeser (Aug 1, 2018)

Though in all honesty, you might as well be drinking seltzer water.

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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 4, 2018)




----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Aug 5, 2018)



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----------



## fubar57 (Aug 5, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 5, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Aug 5, 2018)



Reactions: Bacon Bacon:
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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Aug 6, 2018)

Some days it's best not to turn your cell phone on, today was that day...

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----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 6, 2018)

fubar57 said:


> Some days it's best not to turn your cell phone on, today was that day...
> 
> View attachment 504691​



Sometimes I worry about you!!

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----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 6, 2018)



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----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 8, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2018)

Wait....a what now!? 

"One of the most mysterious plane disappearances in the Devil's Triangle has to mention is Flight 19. Flight 19 is a team of five US Navy Avenger Tornado jets disappeared during training on December 5, 1945 from Ft. Lauderdale Naval Air Station, Florida...."

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## fubar57 (Aug 8, 2018)

So....the files on the ultra secret Grummavia Avenger Tornado have finally been released. A mach 2 torpedo aircraft would have been a real game changer if the war had lasted longer

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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2018)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 13, 2018)



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----------



## michaelmaltby (Aug 13, 2018)

German bus ad ....

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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2018)




----------



## Greg Boeser (Aug 13, 2018)

michaelmaltby said:


> German bus ad ....
> View attachment 505435


Gonna have to install that ceiling mounted urinal...

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Wayne Little (Aug 15, 2018)




----------



## Glider (Aug 15, 2018)

Darwin Applicant in the making?


----------



## Wurger (Aug 15, 2018)

Boom !


----------



## Gnomey (Aug 15, 2018)




----------



## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Aug 15, 2018)



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## michael rauls (Aug 16, 2018)

Saw an article on a financial website a few months back entitled " Vietnamese central bank pledges to maintain a firm dong" ( the dong is the currency of Vietnam) and i swear im not making that up.

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----------



## fubar57 (Aug 16, 2018)



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## Wurger (Aug 16, 2018)




----------



## at6 (Aug 16, 2018)

Apparently the Chinese pilot who missed the runway at O'Hare last week was named Wong Wei.

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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 16, 2018)




----------



## Greg Boeser (Aug 16, 2018)

Posted on a fence near my house:
"Dear friendly neighbor, I am a Siberian husky, and I live outside.
If you see me outside, it means my owners are home, and can let me in if I need to get in.
I have plenty of water and am fed twice a day.
Please don't feed me, or call Animal Services on me. 
Thank you."

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## Wayne Little (Aug 17, 2018)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2018)




----------



## Glider (Aug 18, 2018)

Spot the deliberate mistake

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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 19, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 19, 2018)

I shall say nothing!

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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 21, 2018)



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----------



## fubar57 (Aug 21, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2018)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 22, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2018)



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----------



## Wurger (Aug 22, 2018)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2018)




----------



## Greg Boeser (Aug 22, 2018)

Well you will notice that the photo on the left shows the man using proper lifting technique - back straight, lifting with the legs, load evenly distributed. On the right, the poor, oppressed worker is forced to work in a non-ergonomically ideal position, subject to dangerous noise and environmental exposures.

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----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2018)



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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2018)




----------



## Wurger (Aug 25, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2018)



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----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 26, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2018)



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----------



## The Basket (Aug 26, 2018)



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----------



## Wurger (Aug 26, 2018)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2018)




----------



## Crimea_River (Aug 26, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Aug 27, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 28, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 28, 2018)



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## Wurger (Aug 28, 2018)




----------



## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2018)




----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 29, 2018)




----------



## fubar57 (Sep 1, 2018)



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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

Devouring the girl crossed my mind also.

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

Even horses get embarrassed.

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

Monkey see, monkey do. OK dad where to next?

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

Some people just don't know when to get out of the water,






and then others just don't know when to quit.

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----------



## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2018)




----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

I'm just saying, watch your back!

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

This was my first marriage.

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

Death Wish VI.

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

Sometimes you just have to recover.

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

Brother, it don't get any truer than that!

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 1, 2018)

I was caught in this thruth. I felt the need to share.

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----------



## fubar57 (Sep 1, 2018)



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## Crimea_River (Sep 1, 2018)

An oldie but a goodie.


----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 2, 2018)




----------



## CORSNING (Sep 2, 2018)

This here is my hillbilly jack. Any of youall want to borrow it
when I'ma done with it?

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## CORSNING (Sep 2, 2018)

Oh yea, they're sober.

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 2, 2018)

Been there, done that.

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 2, 2018)

I would like everyone to know that I work with some very
hard working people.

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----------



## Crimea_River (Sep 2, 2018)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2018)




----------



## Wayne Little (Sep 3, 2018)




----------



## Crimea_River (Sep 3, 2018)



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----------



## Gnomey (Sep 3, 2018)




----------



## CORSNING (Sep 3, 2018)

And then we have the good old ant-tank water
bazooka folks.....

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----------



## CORSNING (Sep 3, 2018)

Didn't Buck Owens try to warn this guy about this back in
the 1960s?

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## michael rauls (Sep 3, 2018)

CORSNING said:


> Didn't Buck Owens try to warn this guy about this back in
> the 1960s?
> View attachment 508305


That seems like a really bad idea.

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----------



## Greg Boeser (Sep 3, 2018)

CORSNING said:


> And then we have the good old ant-tank water
> bazooka folks.....
> View attachment 508304


Now my kid wants to build one


----------



## gumbyk (Sep 3, 2018)

Greg Boeser said:


> Now my kid wants to build one


DO IT!!!!


----------



## Shortround6 (Sep 3, 2018)

Incorporate this.

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 3, 2018)

A must have...


----------



## gumbyk (Sep 3, 2018)

Greg Boeser said:


> A must have...


Well... that depends on how much you like to laugh at your kids expense....





I'm a bad Dad....


----------



## Greg Boeser (Sep 3, 2018)

We've made the vertical launch rockets before, but the bazooka, well, that's a whole new level of excitement!


----------



## michael rauls (Sep 3, 2018)

Ya looks like some eye protection would be in order at the verry least.


----------



## gumbyk (Sep 3, 2018)

Greg Boeser said:


> We've made the vertical launch rockets before, but the bazooka, well, that's a whole new level of excitement!


Yeah, done them too - great summer activity.

Now, for some indoor winter fun when Mum's not around!
Make a Vacuum-cleaner Bazooka Just use marshmallows for the ammunition....


----------



## gumbyk (Sep 3, 2018)

michael rauls said:


> Ya looks like some eye protection would be in order at the verry least.


Its only water


----------



## michael rauls (Sep 3, 2018)

gumbyk said:


> Its only water


Ya I know but a narrow jet of water under verry high pressure might not be the best thing for the eyes. Retinal separation and that sort of thing.


----------



## gumbyk (Sep 4, 2018)

michael rauls said:


> Ya I know but a narrow jet of water under verry high pressure might not be the best thing for the eyes. Retinal separation and that sort of thing.


It doesn't come out that fast. And it hits the valve first, so its not as bad as it looks.


----------



## fubar57 (Sep 4, 2018)



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## gumbyk (Sep 4, 2018)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 508357​


SOLD!!!!!


----------



## Airframes (Sep 4, 2018)

Or the orange-firing LATW.
Length of plastic drain pipe, can of 'easy Start' with a piezzo igniter - fires oranges at high speed out to at least 300 meters.

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## Crimea_River (Sep 4, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2018)




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## gumbyk (Sep 4, 2018)

Airframes said:


> Or the orange-firing LATW.
> Length of plastic drain pipe, can of 'easy Start' with a piezzo igniter - fires oranges at high speed out to at least 300 meters.


We got the best results with onions. they shed the outer layers as you push them down the barrel, and the juice lubricates. Potatoes work well too.


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## CORSNING (Sep 4, 2018)

Greg Boeser said:


> Now my kid wants to build one


Well, that's the way she goes boys, that's the way she goes.

, well you know, your just going to have that from
time to time, , Jeff


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## eagledad (Sep 5, 2018)

*Subject:* Holy Humor







Just a little humor to help your day along.

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## eagledad (Sep 5, 2018)

one more

*Even if you aren't married................

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: silence

HUSBAND: "shit."*

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## michael rauls (Sep 5, 2018)

Ok cant resist throwing this one in there.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Answer: beer nuts are over a dollar but deer nuts are under a buck.

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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 7, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 7, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 7, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (Sep 7, 2018)

LMAO


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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Sep 7, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Sep 10, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2018)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2018)

Wrong thread!

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## Wurger (Sep 13, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 15, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Sep 15, 2018)

If you look close you can plainly see her grip is all wrong.

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## CORSNING (Sep 15, 2018)

She invited me to share the space. I am 66 yrs. old, 6'3" and 265 lbs. I had to yank
her ass out of there and squeeze my fat butt in before I was actually semi-comfortable.


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## CORSNING (Sep 15, 2018)

What honey? Yes, I'm watching another football game. I'll come to bed when she's, uhm, its over.

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## CORSNING (Sep 15, 2018)

I won a shopping spree at Target. They told me I had 20 minutes. It took me 2.

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## CORSNING (Sep 15, 2018)

My wife saw my last four post and said those aren't funny.
Stop it NOW!...

...she's not my mom, she can't tell me what to do. 

JEFF! I SAID STOP IT NOW!

...yes dear.......I gotta go now..

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## Lucky13 (Sep 15, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2018)




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## Glider (Sep 16, 2018)

It says it all

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## michael rauls (Sep 16, 2018)

Glider said:


> It says it all
> View attachment 509805


I guess they don't make anything like they used to.


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## Greg Boeser (Sep 16, 2018)

It_ identifies_ as watermelon.

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## A4K (Sep 16, 2018)

Carrying on from the Noah's ark theme...the immortal 'Far Side' version:

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## Gnomey (Sep 17, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 19, 2018)




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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 19, 2018)



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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2018)




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## michael rauls (Sep 19, 2018)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 510058


I don't know where you get it but you seem to have an endless supply of the funniest stuff.


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## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2018)




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## Glider (Sep 19, 2018)

Whoops

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## CORSNING (Sep 22, 2018)

Yes dear I got it to work. The electrician was full of $#!+.
We did not need a specialty plug.

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## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2018)




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## A4K (Sep 22, 2018)

With Hugh...!!!!


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## CORSNING (Sep 23, 2018)

Dear, I found an alternative to going on the rides at that
expensive amusement park.

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## CORSNING (Sep 23, 2018)

Just saying...


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## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2018)




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## Glider (Sep 23, 2018)

How long do you reckon he lasted

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## Wurger (Sep 24, 2018)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 24, 2018)




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## at6 (Sep 24, 2018)

Greg Boeser said:


> It_ identifies_ as watermelon.


Which bathroom does it want to use?


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## at6 (Sep 24, 2018)

CORSNING said:


> Just saying...
> View attachment 510616


 Not me, the whole world would smell of burnt crotch. And no, it wouldn't smell like bacon!!!!!!!!!!


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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 25, 2018)




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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2018)



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## at6 (Sep 25, 2018)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 510873


Is that the new Uber bottle?

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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2018)

Who knows..


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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Sep 27, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 29, 2018)

..... busted

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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 2, 2018)




----------



## Lucky13 (Oct 2, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 6, 2018)

What in the crystal meth making, natty daddy drinking, pall mall smoking, Jerry Springer watching, sweat stained wife beater shit is this!?

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## Wurger (Oct 6, 2018)




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## Airframes (Oct 6, 2018)

As I looked up into the sky, a pigeon sh*t right in my eye.
I did not curse, I did not cry - I just thanked God that 'Smokey' can't fly !!

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## Wurger (Oct 6, 2018)

And Shakespeare wouldn't be ashamed of that.

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## Gnomey (Oct 6, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Oct 6, 2018)

Lucky13 said:


> What in the crystal meth making, natty daddy drinking, pall mall smoking, Jerry Springer watching, sweat stained wife beater shit is this!?
> View attachment 512115



*What? You seriously need to get out more. That's a 1969 GTO Dually.
It was very common place back-in-the-day.*


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## syscom3 (Oct 7, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Oct 8, 2018)



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## Crimea_River (Oct 8, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2018)




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## syscom3 (Oct 8, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (Oct 9, 2018)

Whoa, there is a Farside I've never seen!!???!!!


----------



## fubar57 (Oct 9, 2018)



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## A4K (Oct 9, 2018)

With Dave on the far Side cartoon! Better late than never


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## CORSNING (Oct 10, 2018)

This one is for the ladies.

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## Gnomey (Oct 10, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 13, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Oct 13, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Oct 13, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Oct 13, 2018)

This one nails my step-son:

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## CORSNING (Oct 13, 2018)

A truer quote was never said.

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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 16, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Oct 16, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2018)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 16, 2018)

What? Looks like a typical drawing you get from the engineering dept.

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## Crimea_River (Oct 17, 2018)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2018)




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## Wurger (Oct 18, 2018)




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## A4K (Oct 18, 2018)

A man and his wife are driving, and get into a huge row. She gets SO angry with him, she grabs a knife, cuts off his penis, and throws it out the window.
It hits the windscreen of the car behind them, in which a man is driving with his young daughter.
They both stare in amazement for a moment, then the girl asks 'Daddy, what's that thing on the window?'
Being a good man, and wanting to protect his daughter's innocence, he says 'oh, that's just a strange fly, darling'
She looks again, and says 'Geez, it's got a big d!ck!'

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## michael rauls (Oct 18, 2018)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 513295​


Obviously from the same company that printed the assembly instructions for my new barbecue.


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## Lucky13 (Oct 19, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2018)




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## michael rauls (Oct 19, 2018)

Crimea_River said:


> View attachment 513410


Kinda reminds me of a quote I have seen atributed to Winston Churchill. I believe it was a female member of parliament that said" if I were your wife I would poison your tea". Churchill replied" if I were your husband I would drink it"

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## Wayne Little (Oct 22, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 28, 2018)

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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## michael rauls (Oct 29, 2018)

Ok I got one.
Two cows are out standing in a field and the first cow says" wow all this mad cow disease thats going around sure is scary".
The second cow answers back" ya I know what you mean.......... Sure glad I'm a chicken".

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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2018)




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## Capt. Vick (Oct 29, 2018)

Sadly for the Germans, the factory manufacturing these was overrun shortly after successful deployment.

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## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 3, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Nov 4, 2018)




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## Crimea_River (Nov 4, 2018)

It had been snowing all night. So .... 
> 8:00 I made a snowman. 
> 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 
> 8:15 So, I made a snow woman 
> 8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere 
> 8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead 
> 8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts 
> 8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 
> 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.. 
> 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa 
> 8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended 
> 8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role 
> 8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction 
> 8:45 TV news crew from the CBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? 
> I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist. 
> 9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult 
> weather. 
> 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... My children are taken by social services 
> 
> Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it's going to get worse.

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## Gnomey (Nov 5, 2018)




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## Greg Boeser (Nov 5, 2018)

Wait 'til the snow melts and they declare your yard a wetland, and insist that your house is in violation of the Wild Waters Act, and must be torn down.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 6, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 6, 2018)



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## Wurger (Nov 6, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Nov 8, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2018)



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## Wurger (Nov 9, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2018)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 10, 2018)

*Telephone Survey*


Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.


The only question asked was:


_“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"_


The survey was a complete failure because:


In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.


In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.


In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.


In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.


In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.


In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


In Canada everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 11, 2018)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 21, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Nov 22, 2018)

Lately, when I've been on eBay...

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## Wayne Little (Nov 23, 2018)




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## Wurger (Nov 23, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2018)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 29, 2018)

The most Aussi story of the day...…………...


Australian Pig Steals 18-Beers Gets Drunk, Fights Cow! | Shuman | 103.1 KCDA

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## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 5, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Dec 8, 2018)

First image sent back from Mars Rover Curiosity.

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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2018)




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## Wurger (Dec 8, 2018)




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## CORSNING (Dec 8, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Dec 8, 2018)



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## CORSNING (Dec 8, 2018)



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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 10, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Dec 21, 2018)



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## vikingBerserker (Dec 21, 2018)

#11,545 reminds me of Calvin and Hobbs.


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## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2018)




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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2018)




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## fubar57 (Dec 22, 2018)



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## Crimea_River (Dec 28, 2018)

*I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to break wind 
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed 
That everybody was staring at me. 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.*

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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2018)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 30, 2018)




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## Wurger (Dec 30, 2018)




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## nuuumannn (Dec 30, 2018)

Seen on a message board on youtube:

"My grandfather took down more nazi pilots than anyone else in WW2... He was the Luftwaffe's worst mechanic."

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## Wayne Little (Dec 31, 2018)




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## Wurger (Dec 31, 2018)




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## Gnomey (Dec 31, 2018)




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## at6 (Dec 31, 2018)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 522595​


Cute little thing. What is it?


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## CORSNING (Dec 31, 2018)

vikingBerserker said:


> #11,545 reminds me of Calvin and Hobbs.[/QUOTE]
> 
> I had no idea those two drank like that........................


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## Greg Boeser (Dec 31, 2018)

Reminds me of the time my Dad slipped off the back steps with a quart of gin in his coat pocket. The whole driveway got plowed.


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## fubar57 (Jan 3, 2019)

at6 said:


> Cute little thing. What is it?


Not sure Larry, I gave up searching after about 15 minutes.

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## Gnomey (Jan 3, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Jan 3, 2019)

Not a joke but this is what I watch doing 20 minutes on the tread-climber = 20 minute episodes. I expect to be at my birth weight by episode 79





​

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## Lucky13 (Jan 5, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Jan 6, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 12, 2019)



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## Wurger (Jan 12, 2019)




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## at6 (Jan 12, 2019)

That was funny as h#ll.


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## Gnomey (Jan 12, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 13, 2019)

Thaa was great.


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## fubar57 (Jan 17, 2019)

Jaysus


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## fubar57 (Jan 18, 2019)



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## fubar57 (Jan 18, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2019)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 19, 2019)

Brexit explained ... runs on QuickTime

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## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2019)




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## Wurger (Jan 23, 2019)



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## Greg Boeser (Jan 23, 2019)

Yeah. And the next day, and the next. So, what of it?


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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 26, 2019)



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## Wayne Little (Jan 27, 2019)




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## Wurger (Jan 27, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Jan 27, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Feb 1, 2019)



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## fubar57 (Feb 1, 2019)

Don?


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## fubar57 (Feb 1, 2019)



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## Wurger (Feb 1, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Feb 1, 2019)

fubar57 said:


> Don?



Don't think so. I can see the tarmac.

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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2019)




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## syscom3 (Feb 3, 2019)

It isnt funny, but I couldnt figure out where to put it. Anyway, I thought this was quite appropriate for the group.

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## syscom3 (Feb 3, 2019)

a


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## Wayne Little (Feb 4, 2019)




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## Wurger (Feb 4, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 4, 2019)

That's awesome!

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## Gnomey (Feb 4, 2019)

Cool!

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## Crimea_River (Feb 8, 2019)



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## Wurger (Feb 8, 2019)




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## at6 (Feb 8, 2019)

Heard on local news last night that California is number 2 for Syphilis in the country. I can just see the new tourism add. "Come for sun, stay for the Syph."

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## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2019)




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## michael rauls (Feb 8, 2019)

We've got a typhus outbreak also in LA. Just keeps getting better around here.


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## fubar57 (Feb 13, 2019)



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## Wurger (Feb 13, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2019)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 16, 2019)

After watching _The Lord of the Rings_, I realized that one of the virtues of a Hobbit wedding is that it is always a short ceremony.

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## fubar57 (Feb 16, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Feb 17, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2019)




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## Airframes (Mar 3, 2019)



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## Wurger (Mar 3, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Mar 3, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 7, 2019)

Sweet...


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## Lucky13 (Mar 12, 2019)



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## Wurger (Mar 12, 2019)

True.


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## vikingBerserker (Mar 12, 2019)

You were in Wayne's house??????????????????

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## Wurger (Mar 12, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2019)




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## v2 (Mar 14, 2019)



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## Wurger (Mar 14, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Mar 14, 2019)



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## Capt. Vick (Mar 14, 2019)



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## fubar57 (Mar 14, 2019)

Yo.......


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## Wurger (Mar 14, 2019)

He, he , he...


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## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Mar 19, 2019)

I need these...for reasons...

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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 22, 2019)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 22, 2019)

vikingBerserker said:


> You were in Wayne's house??????????????????



Does look like my place....


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## Gnomey (Mar 22, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 22, 2019)

He really was a cool dude.


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## Shortround6 (Mar 22, 2019)

Essential aircraft viewing equipment.......................

For viewing aircraft from one's home country





for viewing aircraft from most other countries. 




for viewing most French aircraft before the 1950s.

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 23, 2019)

Ronald Reagan tells Soviet jokes -- an oldie but a goodie [runs on quicktime]

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## Greg Boeser (Mar 23, 2019)

Shortround6 said:


> Essential aircraft viewing equipment.......................
> 
> For viewing aircraft from one's home country
> View attachment 532849
> ...


Those would come in handy when viewing French tanks of any time frame.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 24, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 25, 2019)

Shortround6 said:


> Essential aircraft viewing equipment.......................
> 
> For viewing aircraft from one's home country
> View attachment 532849
> ...



That will brilliant!


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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 26, 2019)



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## Wurger (Mar 26, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2019)




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## Capt. Vick (Mar 27, 2019)



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## michael rauls (Mar 27, 2019)

I would've given that two funny ratings if I could.

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## Wurger (Mar 28, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 28, 2019)

That's awesome!


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## at6 (Mar 28, 2019)

Funny. But why can't I have both?


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## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Mar 28, 2019)



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## Wurger (Mar 29, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 29, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Mar 29, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Mar 29, 2019)

My mine....

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## Lucky13 (Mar 29, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2019)

Definitely had that feeling before!


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## Greg Boeser (Mar 30, 2019)

warehouse dominoes - Bing video

Why we don't _have _a night shift.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2019)




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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2019)




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## gumbyk (Mar 31, 2019)



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## michael rauls (Apr 1, 2019)

Wish I could rate that funny AND true.


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## fubar57 (Apr 1, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2019)




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## pbehn (Apr 3, 2019)

cant link


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## fubar57 (Apr 11, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Apr 12, 2019)



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## michael rauls (Apr 12, 2019)

Actually I'll bet that's pretty good.

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## fubar57 (Apr 12, 2019)

My error, this was supposed to go in the bacon thread and I'm having a hard time finding another worthy of bacon to replace it


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## Crimea_River (Apr 15, 2019)

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Conteras? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your home in Ponte Verde.

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Contreras, that your parrot, he is dead”.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

"Si, Señor, that's the one.”

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Contreras .”

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

"Dead horse? What dead horse?”

"The thoroughbred, Señor Contreras ..”

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?
“
"Yes, Señor, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

"Are you insane? What water cart?”

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

"Yes, Señor Contreras ..”

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

"For the funeral, Señor.”

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

"Your wife's, Señor, Senora Gloria . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G410 titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE………..

LONG SILENCE………

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

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## Lucky13 (Apr 15, 2019)



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## Wurger (Apr 16, 2019)




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## Airframes (Apr 16, 2019)

A man calls in to the Doctor's surgery one night.
"Doctor," he says, "please help me, I think I'm a moth."
"What do you mean, you think you're a moth ?" replied the Doctor.
"I'm convinced I'm a moth !" the man answered.
"I think you need to see a pyschiatrist !" the Doctor replied, firmly.
"I was on my way there, but I saw your light on." the man said .................


I'll get me coat .................................

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## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2019)




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## Wurger (Apr 17, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 17, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2019)




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## Wurger (Apr 18, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 19, 2019)



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## Wurger (Apr 19, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2019)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 22, 2019)

What does the woman you are about to marry and a twister tornado have in common?

Both _arrive _wild and woolly .... and .... on _departure_,
.... both leave you asking:

Where's the house?
Where's the barn?
Where's the car?
Where's the dog?

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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 23, 2019)




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## v2 (Apr 24, 2019)



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## Wurger (Apr 24, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Apr 24, 2019)



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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 29, 2019)

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride 
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old Barbershop in Jersey to say hello 
to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?" 

Luigi said, "Everyting wassa perfecto except for da train ride down." 
"Whattayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. 

"Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful 
Virginia , she pack a bigga basket a food. She brought at da vino, 
some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and 
open uppa da luncha basket. 
"The conductore comea by, wagga his finger at us anda say, 'no 
eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car..' 

"So, me and my beautiful Virginia , we go to da dining car, eat a bigga 
lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! "Conductore walka 
by again, wagga his finger and say, 'No drinka in dissa car! Musta use a 
cluba car.' 

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my 
bigga cigar. 
The conductore, he wagga is finger again and say, 'No asmokina dissa 
car. Musta go to a smokina car . 

We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful 
Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to 
go "boombada boombada" and the conductore, he walka through da hallway 
shouting at a top of hissa voice.... 

" 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !' 

Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2019)




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## A4K (Apr 30, 2019)

My wife accused me of being a transvestite, so I packed her clothes and left.

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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2019)




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## Gnomey (May 1, 2019)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 1, 2019)



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## Wurger (May 2, 2019)




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## Gnomey (May 2, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (May 4, 2019)

My wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that would help me get an erection.


You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her a package of diet pills.


I’m looking for a place to live. D’you know of anywhere?

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## Wurger (May 4, 2019)




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## Elmas (May 4, 2019)

A4K said:


> My wife accused me of being a transvestite, so I packed her clothes and left.



Was your wife furious because her clothes fit better on you than on her?

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## Gnomey (May 4, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (May 5, 2019)




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## Snautzer01 (May 6, 2019)




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## A4K (May 6, 2019)

Elmas said:


> Was your wife furious because her clothes fit better on you than on her?



 (No comment...!  )

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## fubar57 (May 12, 2019)



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## Gnomey (May 13, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2019)



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## Wurger (May 15, 2019)




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## Gnomey (May 15, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (May 21, 2019)

Now thats great....


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## vikingBerserker (May 21, 2019)

I've had dreams...………...


----------



## fubar57 (May 22, 2019)



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## Gnomey (May 23, 2019)




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## buffnut453 (May 23, 2019)

A man reported to his local emergency room with 6 plastic horses inserted into his anus. Doctors declared his condition as stable.

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## fubar57 (May 23, 2019)



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## Airframes (May 24, 2019)

Man goes to the Doctor, and said "Please help me, I'm convinced I'm a piglet."
"Oh," replied the Doctor, "and why's that ?"
"Well, I keep rolling around in the mud, and sniff at the ground all the time, looking for food."
"Hmm, I see. " The Doctor replied. "And how long have you felt like this ?"
"Oh, about a _weeeeeek_ !".

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## Wurger (May 24, 2019)




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## buffnut453 (May 24, 2019)

Airframes said:


> Man goes to the Doctor, and said "Please help me, I'm convinced I'm a piglet."
> "Oh," replied the Doctor, "and why's that ?"
> "Well, I keep rolling around in the mud, and sniff at the ground all the time, looking for food."
> "Hmm, I see. " The Doctor replied. "And how long have you felt like this ?"
> "Oh, about a _weeeeeek_ !".



And that one's going into my data bank for "Bad Joke Wednesday" at work!!!


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## vikingBerserker (May 24, 2019)

Dangit, I RALLY tried not to laugh at that one!


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## Crimea_River (May 24, 2019)



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## Wurger (May 24, 2019)




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## Gnomey (May 24, 2019)




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## special ed (May 24, 2019)

My youngest son in law calls these "Dad jokes". He still laughs.


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## A4K (May 24, 2019)

-Hey mum, why are we pushing the caravan off a cliff?
- SHHHHH! You'll wake your father up!

(old kiwi school joke )

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## Wurger (May 24, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (May 27, 2019)




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## buffnut453 (May 27, 2019)

Excuse me, but does this bus stop at the pier head?

There'll be a bluddy big splash if it doesn't!


Sorry...old Liverpool joke from my youth.

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## Airframes (May 27, 2019)

What do you call an ape in a minefield ?
A BaBOOM !

I've got me coat .........................

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## Wurger (May 27, 2019)




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## Gnomey (May 27, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (May 27, 2019)

.........and STAY out!!!!!!!

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## Greg Boeser (May 27, 2019)

buffnut453 said:


> Excuse me, but does this bus stop at the pier head?
> 
> There'll be a bluddy big splash if it doesn't!
> 
> ...


Reminds me of one a friend told me.
He had been walking on a country road when a toff in a fancy sports car pulled up along side and said:
"My man, does this road go to the coast?"
He replied, "Oh no, sir! This here road don't go anywhere. It's always just sorta laid here."

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## Wurger (May 27, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (May 28, 2019)




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## fubar57 (May 28, 2019)




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## buffnut453 (May 28, 2019)

Airframes said:


> What do you call an ape in a minefield ?
> A BaBOOM !
> 
> I've got me coat .........................



And that's another one for Bad Joke Wednesday. Perfect timing Terry. For some reason, that one really amused me. Thanks for sharing!

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## Airframes (May 28, 2019)

There's more - but most are far to risque to post !!


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## Gnomey (May 28, 2019)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 29, 2019)



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## Wurger (May 29, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (May 29, 2019)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Jun 7, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2019)




----------



## VBF-13 (Jun 14, 2019)



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## Wurger (Jun 14, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Jun 14, 2019)

I miss the Far Side.

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## VBF-13 (Jun 14, 2019)

Yup. He’s very clever.


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## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2019)




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## VBF-13 (Jun 14, 2019)

Adam asks, “God, why did you make women so beautiful?”

God answers, “So you men will fall in love with them.”

Adam asks, “Why did you make them so charming?”

God answers, “Same reason, so you’ll fall in love them.”

Adam asks, “Then why did you make them so stupid?”

God answers, “So they’ll fall in love with you.”

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 14, 2019)

LMAO


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## Gnomey (Jun 15, 2019)




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## mikewint (Jun 23, 2019)

Came across this foreign commercial and thought it was pretty funny

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## at6 (Jun 23, 2019)

I almost peed from laughing so hard.


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## Wurger (Jun 23, 2019)




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## at6 (Jun 23, 2019)

I've been called Homophobic, Islamophobic, and now, Snailophobic. A snail slid up to me and asked for date. I told her that I won't date snails. After I stepped on her she screamed,"I'm crushed!"

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 27, 2019)

... _they trust this guy with an aircra_ft ... !!?

‘Not as thin as he thinks’ — drunk Royal Navy pilot gets stuck in chimney during mess night game

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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2019)




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## VBF-13 (Jul 1, 2019)

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, "I'll have five beers please."

A Ham Sandwich walks into a bar, orders a beer, bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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## mikewint (Jul 1, 2019)



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## buffnut453 (Jul 1, 2019)

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?


Artificial Intelligence.

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## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Jul 8, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2019)




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## VBF-13 (Jul 9, 2019)

An expensive machine breaks down in a big factory putting hundreds of employees out of work and costing the employer tens of thousands of dollars a day in lost revenues. After two weeks of hiring the top mechanics in the industry only to find nobody who could fix it, the employer, in desperation, puts out an add in the classifieds.

The next day, an old man with a little black bag shows up. “Who the hell are you,” asks the employer? “I responded to your classified, I’m here to fix your machine,” the old man answers. Totally unimpressed, yet desperate, the employer directs the old man to the machine.

The old man looks at it. Then he goes to the back and removes a back panel and looks inside. Then he takes a hammer out of the bag and sticks his head and upper body deep into the machine. Then the employer hears, “ding,” and the machine roars right up. The employer is amazed! “Do you know how many mechanics I had here before you, who couldn’t fix it,” says the employer? “You’re the best mechanic ever! How much do I owe you?” The old man replies, “$1000.” The employer says, “$1000? All you did was hit it with a hammer!” The old man replies, “$1 for hitting it with the hammer. $999 for knowing where to hit.”

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## mikewint (Jul 9, 2019)

Sounds like my best childhood friend Joe...the company he worked for fired him anyway...no college degree


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## Wayne Little (Jul 10, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2019)




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## VBF-13 (Jul 13, 2019)

Doctor gives patient 6 months to live. Six months go by, patient can't pay his bill, doctor gives him another 6 months.

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 14, 2019)

While I was in the Army, there was an accident in the motor pool.
A mechanic was replacing a tire and trying to seat it on the rim. He apparently overinflated the tire and it blew off the rim, striking him in the face and knocking him unconscious as it shot all the way to the ceiling of the bay, leaving an impressive skid mark 40' above the ground.
The accident report stated "He got tired, so he laid down."

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 14, 2019)

At my sister's wedding, a few of the guests really took advantage of the open bar.
One couple that had had more than their fair share began arguing, and the wife decided she had had enough and was leaving. She jumped in their car and was about to drive off when the husband ran out and tried to stop her by grabbing onto the door handle. Apparently, she didn't realize he was there and took off, dragging him under the car. Fortunately a passing car noticed the unfolding tragedy and by flashing its lights got her to pull over. Meanwhile several guests who had seen the accident spread the alarm and soon there were a bunch of us chasing after the now stopped vehicle. When we arrived at the car, I was able to reach in and pull the keys from the ignition while several ladies coaxed the driver from the vehicle. Four of us then pulled the car off the unfortunate young man, who, aside from a bad case of road rash was relatively OK.
The police report stated. "She wanted to leave, he didn't, so she just dragged him home."

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## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2019)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 16, 2019)

*Confucius never said : *

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient. 
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent. 
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. 
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. 
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted. 
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. 
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
It takes many nails to build a baby crib, but only one screw to fill it. 
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. 
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. 
Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room. 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 

And, CONFUCIUS ALSO DID NOT SAY. . 

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood".

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## michaelmaltby (Jul 16, 2019)

*Tiananmen Square in Reverse*

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## mikewint (Jul 16, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Jul 18, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 20, 2019)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2019)




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## Wurger (Jul 22, 2019)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 22, 2019)



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## Wurger (Jul 22, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 22, 2019)

That's brilliant


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## Lucky13 (Jul 23, 2019)



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## Wurger (Jul 23, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 23, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2019)



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## Wurger (Jul 29, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Jul 31, 2019)



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## Wurger (Jul 31, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Jul 31, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 1, 2019)

Time will tell....

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## Wurger (Aug 1, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Aug 1, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 5, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2019)



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## Wayne Little (Aug 8, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2019)




----------



## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2019)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2019)



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## Wurger (Aug 10, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 10, 2019)

Happy so say that I can't name five of them whats-er-names.

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## michael rauls (Aug 11, 2019)

I can only name one and I'm embarrassed I even know that.


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## Elmas (Aug 11, 2019)

mikewint said:


> Sounds like my best childhood friend Joe...the company he worked for fired him anyway...no college degree



Was he working for an EU firm?


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## VBF-13 (Aug 11, 2019)

Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”

Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”

Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”

Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”

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## Wurger (Aug 11, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2019)




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## VBF-13 (Aug 11, 2019)

I'm feeling like I'm on a roll, lol...

Wife and her husband are strolling down Michigan Avenue, Chicago’s “Magnificent Mile,” early one morning after the stores had closed, and they come to the first store, and there’s this cute little hat in the window, and the wife goes, “Honey, will you get me that cute little hat in the window?” And the husband looks down at the price tag, then reaches in his pocket, pulls out a brick, throws it through the window, and goes in and gets her the hat.

So, they come to the next store, and there’s this cute little dress in the window, and the wife goes, “Honey, will you get me that cute little dress in the window?” And the husband looks down at the price tag, then reaches in his pocket, pulls out another brick, throws it through the window, and goes in and gets her the dress.

So, they come to the last store, and there’s this big, beautiful fur coat in the window, and the wife goes, “Honey, will you get me that big, beautiful fur coat in the window?” And the husband looks down at the price tag, then turns to the wife and goes, “What do you think I’m made of, bricks?”

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## mikewint (Aug 11, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 13, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 13, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 14, 2019)



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## vikingBerserker (Aug 14, 2019)

Replace projects with models and its spot on!


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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2019)




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## at6 (Aug 15, 2019)

The is only one way to extinguish a burning Kotex. You have to Tampon it.


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## Crimea_River (Aug 15, 2019)

Oh my.....

Here's something to take your mind off that one:

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 15, 2019)

LMAO That's awesome!

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## Gnomey (Aug 15, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 18, 2019)



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## Wurger (Aug 18, 2019)




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## mikewint (Aug 18, 2019)

Apparently discrimination will never end....

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## Wurger (Aug 18, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2019)




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## javlin (Aug 18, 2019)

Subject: : The Old Man and the Beaver





The Old Man and the Beaver – Food for Thought



An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things
are great and I've never felt better.'



I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do
you think about that Doc ?"



The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.



"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season."



One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he
accidentally picked up his

walking cane instead of his gun."



"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge..



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.



Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."



"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.



Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.



The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."



The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

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## Crimea_River (Aug 18, 2019)



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## michael rauls (Aug 18, 2019)

Ok, there doesn't seem to be any prohibition on bad jokes so here goes.
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender says "whatleyahave". The bear answers" I'll have a rum and............................................................
............coke. Bartender says" why the big pause? Bear says" i dunno, I was born with em. <-----------------rim shots here.

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## at6 (Aug 19, 2019)

michael rauls said:


> Ok, there doesn't seem to be any prohibition on bad jokes so here goes.
> A bear walks into a bar. The bartender says "whatleyahave". The bear answers" I'll have a rum and............................................................
> ............coke. Bartender says" why the big pause? Bear says" i dunno, I was born with em. <-----------------rim shots here.


If there were no bad jokes, there would be no good jokes. More bad ones please.

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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2019)




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## Airframes (Aug 19, 2019)

A white horse walks into a bar and says "A pint of Guinness please".
The barman says "We've got a whisky named after you".
"What, Eric ?" replied the horse

Same horse goes to another bar, and asks for the same.
Barman says "**** me, a talking horse !"

I've got me coat, hat and the taxi is on it's way ............................

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## Crimea_River (Aug 19, 2019)

Call Uber. Quicker.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a.beer. The bartender notices he has a toad sitting on his shoulder, points to it and says "What's that?"

The toad says "Not sure. Yesterday I noticed a wart on my ass and this morning it had grown into this!"

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 19, 2019)

A cannibal says to another cannibal:
"Ya know, I really don't like your mother in law."
The other cannibal looks over and says:
"Well, then just eat the noodles!"

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## Crimea_River (Aug 19, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 21, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 21, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2019)



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## Wurger (Aug 22, 2019)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 22, 2019)

The last one gave me a good laugh.


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## Airframes (Aug 22, 2019)

A repair man is working on one of the big cats cages at the local zoo.
At lunchtime, he leaves his tools, and goes to the zoo cafe. When he returns, his tool box is still there, but all of his tools have gone, so he calls the head zoo keeper to complain.
"What do you expect," the keeper said, "that's the Jaguar's cage."
"So what ?" the repair man replied.
"Well, it's a tool eater Jaguar !"
Two liter Jag ................ never mind, I've got me coat !!

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## Crimea_River (Aug 22, 2019)

Terry, that's worthy of a Canadian parka. Away wi' yeh!!!

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## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2019)




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## Airframes (Aug 23, 2019)

A tortoise gets mugged by a gang of snails.
When the Police arrive, they ask the tortoise to describe the assailants.
The tortoise says "Oh, I don't know ... it all happened too fast."

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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2019)




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## Greg Boeser (Aug 23, 2019)

My wife loves me. She lets me do whatever she wants.

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## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2019)




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## Glider (Aug 25, 2019)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 547062​


I'm a counsellor and I did wonder for a second if I dare put this on my office wall, but had to decide against it. But it did go up in the kitchen area.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2019)



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## Wurger (Aug 25, 2019)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 25, 2019)

Snautzer 🤣


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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2019)

Terry? 😉😆😂

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## Gnomey (Aug 27, 2019)




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## Greg Boeser (Aug 27, 2019)

"What do you want from me?" I asked.
"I just wish you would take charge for a change" she replied.
"OK. From now on I'm taking charge!" I exclaimed.
"Good. Here's a list of things I want you to take charge of."

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## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 1, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 5, 2019)

Eeerrrrmmmm....well....maybe a couple....possibly a handful if you stretch it....

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## Wurger (Sep 5, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Sep 5, 2019)




----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2019)



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## vikingBerserker (Sep 9, 2019)

We have a winner!


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## Gnomey (Sep 9, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 15, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 18, 2019)

Video clip file (mp4) won't open once posted.....
Any idea why not?

A picture joke posted instead....

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## Wurger (Sep 18, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 19, 2019)

Cowboy.

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## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 20, 2019)

A modern social habit....

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## Sid327 (Sep 20, 2019)

Happy weekend))



Scottish Police Sense Of Humour

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## Lucky13 (Sep 20, 2019)

Me in a nutshell!

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## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 20, 2019)

For those that need help....

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## Sid327 (Sep 21, 2019)

Thanks For Coming Around


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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2019)




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## michaelmaltby (Sep 22, 2019)

*SOS*

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

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## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 24, 2019)

Shake It Like Ketchup.

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 24, 2019)

Birth of a Helicopter

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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2019)



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## Wurger (Sep 24, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 25, 2019)




----------



## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 26, 2019)

Specsavers joke

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## fubar57 (Sep 26, 2019)



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## Sid327 (Sep 27, 2019)

Beer Commercial

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## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 27, 2019)

The Astronaut Ad.

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 27, 2019)

Sid327 said:


> Beer Commercial





Replace or better add beer with kits/models and i will also scream like a little girl.
Not proud
But real

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## Sid327 (Sep 27, 2019)

Snautzer01 said:


> Replace or better add beer with kits/models and i will also scream like a little girl.
> Not proud
> But real




This kind of model?

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 28, 2019)

Sure but they are dufficult to paint and the decals will not stick on them.

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## Sid327 (Sep 28, 2019)

Snautzer01 said:


> Sure but they are dufficult to paint and the decals will not stick on them.




They usually come with ''war paint"

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## Wayne Little (Sep 29, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Sep 29, 2019)

*A Millennial Job Interview*

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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2019)




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## at6 (Sep 29, 2019)

That was funny and quite accurate. They really are spoiled little idiots.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 12, 2019)

C-47 coming down the strip, 
Airborne daddy gonna take a little trip, 
Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door, 
Jump right out and count to four....

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## Lucky13 (Oct 12, 2019)



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## Wurger (Oct 12, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 12, 2019)



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## Wurger (Oct 12, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Oct 12, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Oct 12, 2019)



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## Crimea_River (Oct 12, 2019)

Me neither.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 12, 2019)

When my oldest son started high school he had to take the city bus across town. He would come home every day with crazy stories about people he encountered on the bus. 
When he started his sophomore year the stories dwindled. I asked if he was still encountering weirdos on the bus. 
"No. I pretend I'm asleep and drool a bit. People leave me alone now."

First rule of bus riding - don't make eye contact.

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## Glider (Oct 13, 2019)

Sid327 said:


> A modern social habit....




I work for a Police force and a member of the public made a complaint against one of the officers. The mother was sitting in a MacDonald's and her daughter was texting on her phone walking towards the restaurant which involved crossing entrance, just as one of our officers was turning into the carpark. He saw the girl and realised that she wasn't looking where she was going so stopped. She stepped right in front of the car without any idea that it was there, still texting and when she got right in front of the car, he turned on the lights and siren.

She jumped a mile, dropped the phone damaging it and the mother made a complaint, wanting to claim for the damaged phone, trauma and the rest of it. Glad to say case was dismissed but a note did go out to everyone advising that a little more tact should be used.

She needed a guiding hand

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 13, 2019)

In our neighborhood everybody has seeing eye dogs to do the work. This is great as it eliminates the need for any social interaction with humans at all.

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## Sid327 (Oct 13, 2019)

Glider said:


> I work for a Police force and a member of the public made a complaint against one of the officers. The mother was sitting in a MacDonald's and her daughter was texting on her phone walking towards the restaurant which involved crossing entrance, just as one of our officers was turning into the carpark. He saw the girl and realised that she wasn't looking where she was going so stopped. She stepped right in front of the car without any idea that it was there, still texting and when she got right in front of the car, he turned on the lights and siren.
> 
> She jumped a mile, dropped the phone damaging it and the mother made a complaint, wanting to claim for the damaged phone, trauma and the rest of it. Glad to say case was dismissed but a note did go out to everyone advising that a little more tact should be used.
> 
> She needed a guiding hand




This is the kind of tragedy we are seeing now:

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## Sid327 (Oct 13, 2019)

Greg Boeser said:


> In our neighborhood everybody has seeing eye dogs to do the work. This is great as it eliminates the need for any social interaction with humans at all.



You're not wrong. Part of the ''millenial'' problem is they have lost the art of simple conversation.

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## Sid327 (Oct 13, 2019)

And now for something completely different.

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 13, 2019)

*The old Marine Sergeant Major*

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Oct 17, 2019)




----------



## Wurger (Oct 17, 2019)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 17, 2019)

Brilliant!!!


----------



## Capt. Vick (Oct 21, 2019)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 556623



I was just going to post this!


----------



## Capt. Vick (Oct 21, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Oct 22, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Oct 24, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Oct 25, 2019)

Irish Weather

[Adult Content]

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## Sid327 (Oct 25, 2019)

Gotta Love the Irish, some of the best humour on the planet....

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## Sid327 (Oct 25, 2019)

A ''Northerner'' visits London.

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## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2019)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 27, 2019)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 27, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Oct 30, 2019)

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but they only have £1 between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says "You're mad, now we're skint!"
"Never mind", says Paddy, "Just follow me."
They go into a pub, order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it.
The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 
Ten pints and ten pubs later Murphy says "I can't do this any more, my knees are too sore and I'm drunk."
"How do you think I feel?" says Paddy, "I can't even remember in which pub I lost the sausage!"

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## Wayne Little (Oct 30, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Oct 31, 2019)

Eye Test

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## Wayne Little (Oct 31, 2019)

there are no donuts.....

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## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2019)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 31, 2019)

Yeah, what donuts?

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## at6 (Nov 1, 2019)

He goes into a restaurant for dinner. His zipper opens and his member falls out. He suddenly stuffs it back into his pants but gets part of it caught in his zipper where a portion is torn off. When he left he kept his cash as he'd already left a tip.


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## Sid327 (Nov 2, 2019)

Having A Bad Day

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## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Nov 2, 2019)

The Pharmacist

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## Sid327 (Nov 3, 2019)

*Dear Citizens of America,*

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German and Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ''catsup'' but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders and 85% of US citizens don't even have a passport, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

*Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese.*

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## Gnomey (Nov 3, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 9, 2019)



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## Wurger (Nov 9, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Nov 9, 2019)

Brain Is Like A Browser

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 9, 2019)



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## Wurger (Nov 9, 2019)




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## Shortround6 (Nov 9, 2019)

Everybody knows tanks are not a valid entry in the Tour de France, however......................




4th Panzer division?

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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Nov 9, 2019)



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## Sid327 (Nov 10, 2019)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 560192​



 .....And on that note:


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## Crimea_River (Nov 10, 2019)



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## Wurger (Nov 10, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2019)




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## at6 (Nov 11, 2019)

Crimea_River said:


> View attachment 560257


Could also be for preggers with a bun in the oven.


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## Crimea_River (Nov 11, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2019)




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## v2 (Nov 14, 2019)

...

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 14, 2019)




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## Wurger (Nov 14, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 15, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 17, 2019)

I imagine, that some people here, knows....what this feels like, no names! 😉😆😂

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## Wurger (Nov 17, 2019)

The British Museum in London....

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 17, 2019)

Lucky13 said:


> I imagine, that some people here, knows....what this feels like, no names! 😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 561099



A co-worker or mine has 750 unbuilt kits at home.


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## michael rauls (Nov 17, 2019)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> A co-worker or mine has 750 unbuilt kits at home.


Wow. That's quite a stash. 
I was just thinking..........sort of a public service idea for some of those here that might be in this situation with the wife maybe starting to complain. 
Just tell them( the wives that is) that it's just like a rainy day fund. If times ever get tuff you can open your own store and probably live off the procedes for a year........then tell them" you see, I'm just planning for our future"

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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2019)




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## Greg Boeser (Nov 17, 2019)

I have inculcated a desire for military service in my boys. The eldest is in his final year at the Naval Academy, the second eldest enlisted in the Marines right out of high school, and my 10 year old has visions of some day going to the Air Force Academy.
During a recent call from my Marine son, following a 10 day field exercise, he told the 10 year old.
"Listen. No good story ever begins with 'So I was sitting in my chair in the office...'"

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## at6 (Nov 18, 2019)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> A co-worker or mine has 750 unbuilt kits at home.


He has me beat. I've only got a little over 500.


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 20, 2019)

Somewhere in China ...

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## Wurger (Nov 20, 2019)




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## gumbyk (Nov 20, 2019)

michaelmaltby said:


> Somewhere in China ...
> View attachment 561392


The hands are too big....

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## Gnomey (Nov 20, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Nov 21, 2019)



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## Zipper730 (Nov 22, 2019)

Sid327 said:


> *Dear Citizens of America,*
> 
> In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.


Actually, I voted by coin toss: I figured we had a no-win scenario on our hands, and the candidates we had were a mockery of the concept of democracy, so the idea was to devise a way to do ones civic duty without feelings of guilt.


> July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will


Can we celebrate November 5th instead?


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 22, 2019)

Zipper730 said:


> Actually, I voted by coin toss: I figured we had a no-win scenario on our hands, and the candidates we had were a mockery of the concept of democracy, so the idea was to devise a way to do ones civic duty without feelings of guilt.
> Can we celebrate November 5th instead?



Can we obey the forum rules and not talk politics?

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## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 23, 2019)




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## Wurger (Nov 23, 2019)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 23, 2019)



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## fubar57 (Nov 23, 2019)

You been down in my basement counting my stash Jan?

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## javlin (Nov 23, 2019)

Lucky13 said:


> I imagine, that some people here, knows....what this feels like, no names! 😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 561099


Somebody calling Wayne?

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## WARSPITER (Nov 24, 2019)

An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

A pessimist doesn't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees the light and knows it is a train coming.


The train driver sees three $%#[email protected] idiots standing in the middle of the track.

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## Wurger (Nov 24, 2019)

An optimist says "as bad as it is it can't be"
A pessimist says "it can, it can"

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## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 25, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2019)




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## Sid327 (Nov 26, 2019)

At The Jewellers.......

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## Wayne Little (Nov 26, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Dec 5, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 5, 2019)



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## vikingBerserker (Dec 5, 2019)

LMAO!


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## Crimea_River (Dec 5, 2019)



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## michael rauls (Dec 5, 2019)

Crimea_River said:


> View attachment 562845


To bad there's not a stunned disbelief rating.

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## Wurger (Dec 5, 2019)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 562831


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## Lucky13 (Dec 7, 2019)



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## Airframes (Dec 7, 2019)

That's *very* relevant !
Happened to me, twice, just a couple of days ago !!!

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 7, 2019)

Every time I snip a piece off the sprue.
When I move into the new house I'm painting the entire workshop white.

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## Gnomey (Dec 7, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 8, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 8, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2019)




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## Wurger (Dec 9, 2019)




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## Wayne Little (Dec 12, 2019)




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## fubar57 (Dec 12, 2019)



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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2019)




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## syscom3 (Dec 13, 2019)



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## Airframes (Dec 13, 2019)

??


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## Snautzer01 (Dec 13, 2019)

Lease X-mas. For cheap i am sure. 12 Easy payments i believe, before ole Rudolph comes to rough you up.


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 13, 2019)

Airframes said:


> ??



Its a play on words for "Feliz Navidad" which is Spanish for Merry Christmas


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## Airframes (Dec 13, 2019)

Ah !
Had it been "For Lease Clover" I might have got it !

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## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2019)




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## Greg Boeser (Dec 14, 2019)

I thought someone was trying to get rid of their Navy dad!

Yes. I'm in mourning. Navy beat Army today.


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## fubar57 (Dec 20, 2019)



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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2019)




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## syscom3 (Dec 22, 2019)

A perfect gift.

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## Wayne Little (Dec 22, 2019)




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## Wurger (Dec 22, 2019)




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## Gnomey (Dec 22, 2019)




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## syscom3 (Dec 24, 2019)



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## syscom3 (Dec 24, 2019)



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## at6 (Dec 25, 2019)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 564972


And now for the Fried Scupper Trout recipe?


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## michael rauls (Dec 25, 2019)

Did someone say trout? ( that always gets my attention)


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## Gnomey (Dec 25, 2019)




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## syscom3 (Dec 26, 2019)



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## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2019)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jan 4, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2020)




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## v2 (Jan 8, 2020)

...

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## Gnomey (Jan 8, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jan 8, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 9, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 10, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2020)




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## Glider (Jan 10, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 566347


Cheeky Bugger

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## Wurger (Jan 10, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 11, 2020)



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## Glider (Jan 11, 2020)

Just had to post this. I found it in an archive folder from an old computer and have no idea where it originated from, but its too good to miss. His day is about to go from bad, to really really bad.

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## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2020)




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## at6 (Jan 11, 2020)

Glider said:


> Just had to post this. I found it in an archive folder from an old computer and have no idea where it originated from, but its too good to miss. His day is about to go from bad, to really really bad.
> 
> View attachment 566402


A Spanish prostate exam?


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## Lucky13 (Jan 13, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jan 13, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 13, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jan 14, 2020)




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## javlin (Jan 14, 2020)

.

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## at6 (Jan 14, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jan 14, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jan 14, 2020)




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## michaelmaltby (Jan 17, 2020)

*Zimbabwe's ex-President Robert Mugabe will be remembered for his wit and colourful language.
These are some of the raw, hilarious quotes*

1) _When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend._

2) _If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-ray machines to see inner beauty._

3) _When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious._

4) _Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow._

5) _Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on, rather than send it to your mum, and you realise witchcraft is real._

6) _If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first._

7) _Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end._

8) _Interviewer: "Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?"_
_Robert Mugabe: "Where are they going?"_

9) _Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tires; If people still use black color for bad luck and white for peace; If people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals; As long as those who don’t pay their bills are blacklisted and not ‘whitelisted’… But I don’t care as long as I still use the white tissue paper to wipe my ass! With that only, I will always be very fine._

10) _No African girl will choose six pack over six cars.. So stop going to the gym and go to work!_

10) _How do you convince the upcoming generations that education is the key to success when we are surrounded by poor graduates and rich criminal?_

11) _lf Adam & Eve were Chinese we would have been in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten thè snake._

12) _A person can love you and still cheat, just like we love God and still sin._

13) _It’s better to sit in a bar thinking about God than to sit in a church thinking about beer._

14) _Being kissed does not mean you are loved, ask Jesus about Judas._

15) _If I am given a chance to travel through time, I will go back to 1946, find Donald Trump's father and give him a condom._
--

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## michael rauls (Jan 17, 2020)

Some of those are actually pretty good. My guess that Mugabe will be remembered for brutality and economic miss management/hyper inflation however.

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## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 17, 2020)

I as not a fan of the man, but some of those are pretty darn good.

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## fubar57 (Jan 18, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jan 18, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2020)




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## Prop Duster (Jan 19, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Jan 20, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2020)



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## Crimea_River (Jan 21, 2020)

So true!


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## rochie (Jan 21, 2020)

last two were so good i stole them and put them on my FB page


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## Gnomey (Jan 21, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 22, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 23, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jan 23, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jan 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 24, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jan 24, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 24, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jan 24, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2020)




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## javlin (Jan 28, 2020)

Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild?



Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.



He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood

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## Lucky13 (Jan 28, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jan 28, 2020)




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## Zipper730 (Jan 28, 2020)

Desert Fox said:


> Two old ladies, Maude and Mabel, are outside their nursing home having a drink and smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
> Maude: What in the hell is that?
> Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> Maude: Where did you get it?
> ...


You'd figure the condom would light off the moment it touched the cigarette. I know a girl (we were both in HS at the time) who told me that, on a dare, she lit a condom on fire and it went up like gasoline.

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## v2 (Jan 31, 2020)

Still valid ...

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## Wurger (Jan 31, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2020)




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## Prop Duster (Jan 31, 2020)

PURRRRRRRRR

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## Lucky13 (Feb 1, 2020)



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## Wurger (Feb 1, 2020)

Yep...

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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Feb 1, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Feb 1, 2020)

You need volume for these. They are videos taken at Little League games and the guy in the stands is guessing what the coach is saying to the pitcher...

​
...more here...mound visits funny - YouTube

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## Gnomey (Feb 2, 2020)




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## VBF-13 (Feb 3, 2020)

This guy is betting football, every year, for ten years straight, and he never has a winning season. Finally, a well-intentioned friend of his asks, “Did you ever think of trying something different, like basketball, say?” The guy replies, “What in the heck do I know about basketball?”

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## Wayne Little (Feb 3, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Feb 3, 2020)




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## Capt. Vick (Feb 6, 2020)

Ryan XV-5 Vertifan - Wikipedia


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## Zipper730 (Feb 7, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 11, 2020)



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## Wurger (Feb 11, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 11, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 12, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 13, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 16, 2020)



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## Wurger (Feb 16, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 17, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Feb 17, 2020)



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## Airframes (Feb 17, 2020)

I found a new joke - Windows 10 !!!!

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 18, 2020)

It's becoming an old joke. And not very funny. Every time it updates I seem to lose all sorts of functionality.

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## Sid327 (Feb 18, 2020)

Airframes said:


> I found a new joke - Windows 10 !!!!




I gave up with it and had my laptops converted to Win 7.
I don't care that it's no longer supported, it's way better to work with (IMO).

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## Airframes (Feb 18, 2020)

I agree - all the Windows programmes I've used, 98, XP and Win 7 were quick and easy, whereas this bl**dy thing is complicated for the sake of it, with un-needed changes that require multiple inputs instead of a simple 'click', and need time and lots of patience to find anything.


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## gumbyk (Feb 18, 2020)

The one Win 7 machine we've got is the only one we have any problem with, and there are 7 win 10 machines in our house


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## Airframes (Feb 18, 2020)

That may be so, and I'm sure there are many, many users who operate Win 10 without problems
However, I've just been familiarising myself with some of the 'systems' within Win 10, those that appear to be working without problems, and *all* of them take more time, and more stages to operate. 
As an example, to scan a pic and add it to an existing folder in XP and Win 7 took seconds, clicking on scanner, scanning and selecting the required folder. In Win 10, it has taken longer, having to find the control panel, then locate the scanner, then activate the scanner, scan and then manually input the folder name, exactly as it is filed, then save the scanned image to that file.
In Win 7, finding the required folder was a one character input in the required 'box'. For example, typing F would bring up every folder starting with F. Typing F-5 would reveal all folders with that in the title, and if I input F-5 swiss build, it would again reveal all relevant folders, including the correct one, entitled F-5*E* *S*wiss build, whereas in Win 10, if the title was not completely correctly entered, say as F-5 swiss build, then a new folder, with that title, is created. Also, Win 7 showed the list of the last most frequently used destinations, making things simpler still.
Even the bl**dy Start menu is a mess, and I get the impression that some post grad whizz kid has designed this system because he can, not because it required up-dating.
Improvements are good and welcome, but if the bl**dy thing works, isn't broken and is simple to use, then don't bl**dy fix it !!!

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## Wayne Little (Feb 18, 2020)

"Improvements are good and welcome, but if the bl**dy thing works, isn't broken and is simple to use, then don't bl**dy fix it !!! "

I totally agree with you Terry, still using 7 myself......


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## michael rauls (Feb 18, 2020)

Airframes said:


> That may be so, and I'm sure there are many, many users who operate Win 10 without problems
> However, I've just been familiarising myself with some of the 'systems' within Win 10, those that appear to be working without problems, and *all* of them take more time, and more stages to operate.
> As an example, to scan a pic and add it to an existing folder in XP and Win 7 took seconds, clicking on scanner, scanning and selecting the required folder. In Win 10, it has taken longer, having to find the control panel, then locate the scanner, then activate the scanner, scan and then manually input the folder name, exactly as it is filed, then save the scanned image to that file.
> In Win 7, finding the required folder was a one character input in the required 'box'. For example, typing F would bring up every folder starting with F. Typing F-5 would reveal all folders with that in the title, and if I input F-5 swiss build, it would again reveal all relevant folders, including the correct one, entitled F-5*E* *S*wiss build, whereas in Win 10, if the title was not completely correctly entered, say as F-5 swiss build, then a new folder, with that title, is created. Also, Win 7 showed the list of the last most frequently used destinations, making things simpler still.
> ...


Couldn't agree more. Seems like they made it more complex just for the sake of it with no benefit of additional capability. 
Seems like there is alot of that being designed into alot of things these days i.e.
complexity just for the sake of complexity as if somehow being more complex makes things better.

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## gumbyk (Feb 18, 2020)

That search behaviour is how it works for me in win 10. When I open file explorer, it defaults to showing the 9 most frequently opened folders (Quick Access). Here's a link on how to change it: Set Default Folder When Opening Explorer in Windows 10


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## gumbyk (Feb 18, 2020)

michael rauls said:


> Couldn't agree more. Seems like they made it more complex just for the sake of it with no benefit of additional capability.
> Seems like there is alot of that being designed into alot of things these days i.e.
> complexity just for the sake of complexity as if somehow being more complex makes things better.


I use window 10 between a tablet and a desktop, and this is the reason why things like the start menu changed: to keep a similar experience between both platforms, and not have to have different operating systems. To be honest, I prefer it over 7.


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## michael rauls (Feb 18, 2020)

gumbyk said:


> I use window 10 between a tablet and a desktop, and this is the reason why things like the start menu changed: to keep a similar experience between both platforms, and not have to have different operating systems. To be honest, I prefer it over 7.


Well at least there's a reason for it when it comes to Windows then. Still, sometimes it makes me want to pull out whats left of my own hair.


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## Sid327 (Feb 19, 2020)

Which reminds me............................

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## syscom3 (Feb 19, 2020)

So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order.
So I paid for her food. 😇
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the teller told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!
I paid for it, it’s mine! Now she has to wait even longer. 😂
She gonna learn today!

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 20, 2020)

I so miss Windows 3.1 ..................


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 20, 2020)

syscom3 said:


> So I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order.
> So I paid for her food. 😇
> I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the teller told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.
> When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!
> ...



Lol

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## Wurger (Feb 20, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2020)




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## javlin (Feb 22, 2020)

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him without mercy. From morning 'til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag, it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale. ”

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## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 23, 2020)




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## Wurger (Feb 23, 2020)




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## syscom3 (Feb 23, 2020)

*Easy Like Sunday Morning*





The Substitute Priest:
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once.”
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2020)




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## Wurger (Feb 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 28, 2020)



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## Airframes (Feb 28, 2020)



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## Wurger (Feb 28, 2020)




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## Capt. Vick (Feb 28, 2020)



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## Marcel (Feb 28, 2020)

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bloodbank.
The rabbit says: “I might be a type O”

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## Airframes (Feb 28, 2020)

That took a minute or two to sink in !

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## Crimea_River (Feb 28, 2020)

Two minutes and counting.....I'm not getting it.


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## Airframes (Feb 28, 2020)

Rabbit / Rabbi - typo.

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## Crimea_River (Feb 28, 2020)

Oh my gosh. That's a serious coat and door if I ever saw one!

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## Airframes (Feb 28, 2020)

Yep - and clogs, too !


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## Gnomey (Feb 28, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 28, 2020)

Now that's a dad joke!


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## Crimea_River (Feb 28, 2020)

Or a bad jock.


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## Airframes (Feb 28, 2020)

Apologies if I've posted this one previously.

A man walks into a shop, and says to the shopkeeper "I want to buy a wasp".
Shopkeeper says "But, we don't sell wasps !"
Man " You've got one in the window."

Courtesy of the late Tommy Cooper, master of comedy.

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## Crimea_River (Feb 28, 2020)

Was he able to make a living at comedy?


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## Snautzer01 (Feb 29, 2020)

Crimea_River said:


> Was he able to make a living at comedy?


Yes he did. He was very funny and 1 of the greatest. But one has to see him perform and tell the joke. Look him up on youtube

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## Gnomey (Feb 29, 2020)




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## Airframes (Mar 2, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2020)




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## Wurger (Mar 2, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2020)




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## javlin (Mar 3, 2020)

.


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## Elvis (Mar 5, 2020)



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## at6 (Mar 5, 2020)

Crimea_River said:


> Two minutes and counting.....I'm not getting it.


You poor thing.


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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 6, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 6, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 7, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 7, 2020)



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## Shortround6 (Mar 7, 2020)

I am pulling the covers over my head now!


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## Lucky13 (Mar 8, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 8, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Mar 8, 2020)



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## syscom3 (Mar 8, 2020)

BREAKING NEWS ...
John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.


LOL

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## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2020)




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## pgeno71 (Mar 8, 2020)

syscom3 said:


> BREAKING NEWS ...
> John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
> 
> 
> LOL



That is so awful, it's awesome.

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## Elvis (Mar 8, 2020)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 572621​


I've actually been there before....


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## Wurger (Mar 9, 2020)




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## Elmas (Mar 9, 2020)

Airframes said:


> I found a new joke - Windows 10 !!!!



What about Windows Vista?


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## Lucky13 (Mar 9, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 10, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 10, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 10, 2020)



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## Elvis (Mar 11, 2020)

...I think Lucky's been sniffin' the glue again.

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## v2 (Mar 11, 2020)

...

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## Wurger (Mar 11, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 11, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 11, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 11, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 11, 2020)




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## Capt. Vick (Mar 12, 2020)

Look at the Airfix kits!

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## fubar57 (Mar 13, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Mar 13, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 14, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Mar 14, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 15, 2020)

Hang on a bit, just need to post this meme on FB....

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## Lucky13 (Mar 15, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 15, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 15, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 15, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 16, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 16, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 16, 2020)




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## buffnut453 (Mar 16, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 16, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Mar 18, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 18, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 18, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 19, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 24, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Mar 24, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 26, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Mar 26, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2020)



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## Wurger (Mar 27, 2020)




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## v2 (Mar 27, 2020)

...

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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2020)




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## Wurger (Mar 28, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 30, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2020)




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## at6 (Mar 31, 2020)

As if I would stop buying model kits.


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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 31, 2020)



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## at6 (Mar 31, 2020)

The teacher calls the class to order. Little Johnny raises his hand when called upon, then announces that he has Covid-19. The teacher immediately ask, "Did you bring enough for everyone?"


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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Wurger (Apr 1, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Apr 1, 2020)

at6 said:


> The teacher calls the class to order. Little Johnny raises his hand when called upon, then announces that he has Covid-19. The teacher immediately ask, "Did you bring enough for everyone?"


Yes said Johnny, I even brought enough for all the teachers too.

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## Lucky13 (Apr 1, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2020)




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## buffnut453 (Apr 7, 2020)

My wife said to me today, "Well, we're still in house lockdown so what do you plan on doing today?"

Me: "Nothing."

Wife: "You did nothing all day yesterday."

Me: "I know. I haven't finished yet."

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## Gnomey (Apr 7, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2020)




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## eagledad (Apr 11, 2020)

Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." 

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. 
*This year's submissions:* 

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. 

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. 

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 

A will is a dead giveaway. 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. 

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

When chemists die, they barium. 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
​

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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2020)




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## at6 (Apr 12, 2020)

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was an add on our forum with pictures titled "The Cutest Bras For Women Over 50" and I started to get excited.


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## Snautzer01 (Apr 12, 2020)

at6 said:


> Help!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was an add on our forum with pictures titled "The Cutest Bras For Women Over 50" and I started to get excited.


Here! This will take the excitement away. Youre welcome....

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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2020)




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## at6 (Apr 12, 2020)

Snautzer01 said:


> Here! This will take the excitement away. Youre welcome....
> 
> 
> View attachment 577097


Thank you. Thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## fubar57 (Apr 12, 2020)

HAPPY ISOLATION EASTER

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## Gnomey (Apr 12, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Apr 15, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Apr 16, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Apr 16, 2020)

When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Then again, with a hammer like that, who cares?

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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2020)

Single use indeed....nail+hammer=boom! 😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 17, 2020)

"You've got more loose screws, than a hardware store during an earthquake!"

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## Wayne Little (Apr 18, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (Apr 18, 2020)

https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0015/5697/1635/files/MODEL-AIRPLANES-DOWNLOAD.pdf?v=1586444031

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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2020)



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## Zipper730 (Apr 19, 2020)

Tthe single-use power hammer actually sort of happened once in real-life -- at least once, that I know of -- it was on an episode of "Curious and Unusual Deaths". A man from Malta managed to find a butterfly bomb (he obviously didn't know what it was), and amazingly survived handling it (corrosion), but he ended up welding it into a mallet/hammer and used it to put in a fence.

Completely unaware of what he was handling he hammered away and BOOM.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2020)



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## Airframes (Apr 20, 2020)

???


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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2020)

Airframes said:


> ???



They're old US locomotive manufacturers, of which I think only GE and EMD still exists....


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## Airframes (Apr 20, 2020)

Ah !


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## Gnomey (Apr 20, 2020)




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## at6 (Apr 20, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 578214


Now that really is gross but funny.


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## Crimea_River (Apr 20, 2020)

Glad you explained that locomotive thing as it went over my head at about 37000 feet.


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## fubar57 (Apr 20, 2020)

I guess this would be the male equivalent of Jan's post

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## Lucky13 (Apr 21, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 21, 2020)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 21, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 22, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Apr 26, 2020)

​

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## pgf_666 (Apr 27, 2020)

Elmas said:


> What about Windows Vista?


That was a tragedy, not funny at all....

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## fubar57 (Apr 27, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (Apr 27, 2020)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 579097​


Been there. Done that.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 28, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 28, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (Apr 28, 2020)

Belly laugh.


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## fubar57 (Apr 28, 2020)

I'll see your belly laugh and raise you a...

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## Lucky13 (Apr 29, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Apr 30, 2020)



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## Crimea_River (Apr 30, 2020)

Oooo, that's one to get you going to the coat rack.

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Lucky13 (May 1, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (May 1, 2020)



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## Gnomey (May 1, 2020)




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## fubar57 (May 2, 2020)



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## A4K (May 2, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 579594



Do you need to have to watched The Mandalorian to get that?


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## pbehn (May 2, 2020)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 579761​


Surely biscuit is French for cookie so they are both Canadian websites?

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## fubar57 (May 2, 2020)

If it was Canadian there would be both languages on the same page

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## Crimea_River (May 2, 2020)

Oui, c'est vrai.


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## fubar57 (May 3, 2020)

This may be very old and on here a half dozen times but it still cracks me up every time I see it

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## Wurger (May 3, 2020)




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## Gnomey (May 3, 2020)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 5, 2020)



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## fubar57 (May 5, 2020)

LOL!!! Just started reading about these guys


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## fubar57 (May 5, 2020)



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## Gnomey (May 5, 2020)




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## rochie (May 5, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 580203


watched it on tv last night


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## fubar57 (May 9, 2020)

The joke....Google Search. I was reading an article about U.S. V.P. Pence flying off to meet faith leaders. Curious as to what exactly a faith leader was I hit Google

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## Lucky13 (May 10, 2020)



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## Gnomey (May 10, 2020)




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## v2 (May 10, 2020)

...
W pobliżu

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## SaparotRob (May 10, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 578213


That’s funny! However, since EMD gave us the DE30 and the DM30, I’d change them to Ee yore (that mule character).


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 10, 2020)

v2 said:


> ...
> W pobliżu
> View attachment 580839



I’m stealing this.


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## Wurger (May 11, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (May 11, 2020)




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## Gnomey (May 11, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2020)



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## at6 (May 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 581016


Ouch !!!!!!!!!!!!! Is Kitty Hawk another name for Lindberg?


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## Lucky13 (May 12, 2020)



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## Gnomey (May 12, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2020)



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## Gnomey (May 13, 2020)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 13, 2020)

34 Years Ago Today. RIP LT.Nick Bradshaw 
This is a picture of US Navy LT.Nick Bradshaw shortly before his last flight on May 13th, 1986. Lt Bradshaw was killed after he and his pilot were forced to eject from their USN Grumman F-14 Tomcat while trying to engage an adversary aircraft during a simulated combat sortie off the coast of California. The pilot was unharmed. Unfortunately LT.Nick Bradshaw did not survive the ejection. Both Lt Bradshaw and Mitchell were quickly recovered from the Pacific waters by a Coast Guard helicopter from US Coast Guard Station San Diego. 

The Board of Inquiry determined that the F-14's departure from controlled flight was induced by the disruption of air flow into the starboard engine.This disruption stalled the engine, which produced enough yaw rate to induce a spin Which was unrecoverable. There was no way the pilot could see or avoid the jetwash.

The pilot's record was cleared, and was restored to flight status without further delay. Lt. Bradshaw's wife, Carole Bradshaw spoke to local media about the pilot, Lt. Peter Mitchell; "He loved flying with" him and that even though he would have hated it, "he would have flown anyway"

Blue skies and following winds LT. Bradshaw


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## at6 (May 13, 2020)

So long Goose man.


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## pgeno71 (May 14, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> 34 Years Ago Today. RIP LT.Nick Bradshaw
> This is a picture of US Navy LT.Nick Bradshaw shortly before his last flight on May 13th, 1986. Lt Bradshaw was killed after he and his pilot were forced to eject from their USN Grumman F-14 Tomcat while trying to engage an adversary aircraft during a simulated combat sortie off the coast of California. The pilot was unharmed. Unfortunately LT.Nick Bradshaw did not survive the ejection. Both Lt Bradshaw and Mitchell were quickly recovered from the Pacific waters by a Coast Guard helicopter from US Coast Guard Station San Diego.
> 
> The Board of Inquiry determined that the F-14's departure from controlled flight was induced by the disruption of air flow into the starboard engine.This disruption stalled the engine, which produced enough yaw rate to induce a spin Which was unrecoverable. There was no way the pilot could see or avoid the jetwash.
> ...



You totally spoofed me with this one. I just breezed through the story (half reading/half watching TV) and thought to myself, "why did he put this in this thread." I started to look at the pictures and thought, "holy shit that guy looks like Goose...wait a minute." Nice one.

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## Hardlydank (May 14, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (May 14, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> 34 Years Ago Today. RIP LT.Nick Bradshaw
> This is a picture of US Navy LT.Nick Bradshaw shortly before his last flight on May 13th, 1986. Lt Bradshaw was killed after he and his pilot were forced to eject from their USN Grumman F-14 Tomcat while trying to engage an adversary aircraft during a simulated combat sortie off the coast of California. The pilot was unharmed. Unfortunately LT.Nick Bradshaw did not survive the ejection. Both Lt Bradshaw and Mitchell were quickly recovered from the Pacific waters by a Coast Guard helicopter from US Coast Guard Station San Diego.
> 
> The Board of Inquiry determined that the F-14's departure from controlled flight was induced by the disruption of air flow into the starboard engine.This disruption stalled the engine, which produced enough yaw rate to induce a spin Which was unrecoverable. There was no way the pilot could see or avoid the jetwash.
> ...


😁


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## Valdez (May 14, 2020)

Sorry if offended - removed


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## jmcalli2 (May 14, 2020)

v2 said:


> SUNDAY MORNING SEX
> 
> On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
> 
> ...




"Any man who says he can see right through women, well, he's missing a lot."
"Whoever named it 'necking' had a poor understanding of anatomy."
"I remember the first time I had sex. I still have the receipt."
- Marx

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## Gnomey (May 14, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (May 14, 2020)

Valdez said:


> View attachment 581339


Moderator!!!!!


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## syscom3 (May 14, 2020)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 14, 2020)

Greg Boeser said:


> Moderator!!!!!



What was it?


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## Greg Boeser (May 14, 2020)

A string of F bombs!


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## Valdez (May 14, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> What was it?


It was the silhouette of a B17 dropping bombs with the letter F on them. I deleted the image and apologized


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## Greg Boeser (May 14, 2020)

Valdez said:


> Sorry if offended - removed


No, my reply was part of the joke. 
Sorry.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 14, 2020)

Valdez said:


> It was the silhouette of a B17 dropping bombs with the letter F on them. I deleted the image and apologized



I doubt anyone would be offended by that.

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## syscom3 (May 14, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I doubt anyone would be offended by that.



Especially in this group.

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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2020)

Oh bugger!


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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2020)

You can tell, since I'm still part of the forum!! 😏😆😆😆😂😂😂

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## at6 (May 15, 2020)

Any one easily offended by this group is deep trouble. I've been able to survive without being banned, so weak stomachs beware.


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## pgeno71 (May 15, 2020)

B-17 dropping F-bombs is quite clever. I'm sorry I missed it. Anybody for a report? Aye.


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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2020)

I'd like to report the offensee, who reported the offender as to being offensively offensive and tell them to take their offensive attitude and offend somewhere else....😉😏😆😂

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## Greg Boeser (May 15, 2020)

I did not mean to frighten anyone into pulling a very clever image down.
Perhaps had I used this symbol  the OP would have understood that my comment was in jest.

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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2020)

Greg Boeser said:


> I did not mean to frighten anyone into pulling a very clever image down.
> Perhaps had I used this symbol  the OP would have understood that my comment was in jest.



We're good, nothing see here or worry about, unless Terry isn't getting his meds on time, then things could turn nasty!
It'll take a lot to rub us the wrong way, unless it's Karl who by mistake gets Terry's meds.....maaan is he handsy! 😳😲

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## Airframes (May 15, 2020)

Terry hasn't had his meds, and hasn't a ******* clue what that image was all about anyway !
Now, where's that bottle of The Macallan ..................

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## syscom3 (May 16, 2020)



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## WARSPITER (May 17, 2020)

News flash - The oldest Buffalo in the US has just celebrated it's Bisontenary.... (I don't know what's worse - posting that or thinking of
it in the first place).

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## pgeno71 (May 17, 2020)

WARSPITER said:


> News flash - The oldest Buffalo in the US has just celebrated it's Bisontenary.... (I don't know what's worse - posting that or thinking of
> it in the first place).



That joke was so, so, so, so bad, it was awesome.

Reactions: Agree Agree:
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## WARSPITER (May 17, 2020)

pgeno71 said:


> That joke was so, so, so, so bad, it was awesome.



Cool, thanks. Now, whatever you are on, get me a kilo of it.


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## Gnomey (May 17, 2020)




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## pgeno71 (May 17, 2020)

WARSPITER said:


> Cool, thanks. Now, whatever you are on, get me a kilo of it.



No drugs, unfortunately, just stir crazy. The walls really are moving in on me!!!!!!


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## Valdez (May 20, 2020)

OK - I'll put the image back up........

Reactions: Winner Winner:
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## Greg Boeser (May 20, 2020)



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## SaparotRob (May 20, 2020)

Valdez said:


> OK - I'll put the image back up........
> View attachment 582242


Too bad that’s a G model.

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## Lucky13 (May 21, 2020)



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## v2 (May 21, 2020)

...

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## Gnomey (May 21, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2020)



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## Wurger (May 23, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (May 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2020)

"For the past 5 years my college partner and I have been purchasing and restoring late 1800 century homes in certain areas and converting the inside into student modern IKIA driven efficiency apartment. The works has been more than challenging, unexpected and simply mind bending at times when it come to some of the electrical discoveries and modifications to accommodate the ever so demanding tenants. I though I had seen it all."

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## Wayne Little (May 23, 2020)

Most interesting.....


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## Snautzer01 (May 23, 2020)

I facepalmed a bit to strong, now i have a headache..

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Crimea_River (May 23, 2020)

So what's wrong with that? Oh I see. He didn't use the second receptacle.

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2020)



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## SaparotRob (May 23, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> "For the past 5 years my college partner and I have been purchasing and restoring late 1800 century homes in certain areas and converting the inside into student modern IKIA driven efficiency apartment. The works has been more than challenging, unexpected and simply mind bending at times when it come to some of the electrical discoveries and modifications to accommodate the ever so demanding tenants. I though I had seen it all."
> 
> View attachment 582559


The most profound metaphor on life I’ve seen in a while.


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## RW Mk. III (May 23, 2020)

The joke is me.

The other day I glued the ball of my bare foot to the unfinished concrete floor of my new modelling spot.....

Bob Smith Industries Uncure does not work on Bob Smith Industries Thin CA it turns out. I sawed myself free with a razor saw but there is missing skin...

I considered calling for help but my wife would have loved that way too much.

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Zipper730 (May 23, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 582607


Wow, it seems like every attempt to fix the problem makes it worse and worse like some chinese finger trap.


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## Gnomey (May 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2020)

You heard them lads, let's get ratarsed!

Reactions: Bacon Bacon:
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## Wayne Little (May 24, 2020)




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## Gnomey (May 24, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (May 25, 2020)

Those were the....eeerrrrmmmm....weekends! 😏😉😆😂

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## Wurger (May 25, 2020)




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## michaelmaltby (May 25, 2020)

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage. 
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" 
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no... "I was unexpectedly paroled".

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Wurger (May 25, 2020)




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## Gnomey (May 25, 2020)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 26, 2020)



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## Gnomey (May 26, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 27, 2020)



Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Gnomey (May 28, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (May 29, 2020)




----------



## Lucky13 (May 29, 2020)



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## Wurger (May 29, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2020)



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## Wurger (May 29, 2020)




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## Gnomey (May 29, 2020)




----------



## at6 (May 30, 2020)

If your uncle was stuck on the roof and his name was Jack, would you help your uncle Jack off?


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## Gnomey (May 30, 2020)

Tough one


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## Crimea_River (May 31, 2020)

No. And I wouldn't say "Hi" to him at the airport either.

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Greg Boeser (May 31, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 1, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jun 1, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 1, 2020)

You know who you are....😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Jun 1, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2020)




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## at6 (Jun 2, 2020)

If Gnomey decides to build a model, does that make him a "Plastic Surgeon"?

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## Wurger (Jun 2, 2020)

Only if a saw is decided to be used.

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## buffnut453 (Jun 2, 2020)

Wurger said:


> Only if a saw is decided to be used.



We normally don't let him near sharp objects. That's the kind of caring people we are here!

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 2, 2020)

That's why we have him traveling the world so much looking for the elusive color pics somebody needed to build a model.

Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Lucky13 (Jun 2, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 2, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 3, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 3, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 3, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 3, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Jun 4, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jun 4, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2020)




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## syscom3 (Jun 6, 2020)

Lol

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## Crimea_River (Jun 6, 2020)

No worse than the f!cking arrows in the store!

Reactions: Agree Agree:
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## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jun 8, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 8, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 9, 2020)

Terry working his first job....

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## Lucky13 (Jun 9, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2020)



Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Wurger (Jun 10, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 10, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Jun 10, 2020)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2020)



Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Wurger (Jun 10, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jun 10, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Jun 11, 2020)

I want to see what happened in 12,445 when he tried to pull that!


----------



## Capt. Vick (Jun 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2020)

"Egoism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." 

Frank Leahy

Reactions: Agree Agree:
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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2020)



Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## Gnomey (Jun 11, 2020)




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## at6 (Jun 12, 2020)

Women are never more beautiful that when the are nude.


----------



## Wayne Little (Jun 12, 2020)




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## at6 (Jun 12, 2020)

Perhaps Dr. Gnomey can identify the three knees for us.


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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2020)

Definitely fit some people I've noticed....

"The definition of insanity is, doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."


----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2020)



Reactions: Funny Funny:
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## buffnut453 (Jun 15, 2020)

Clearly never heard of mail order via internet from people like Squadron or Hannants!


----------



## Dinger (Jun 16, 2020)



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## Glider (Jun 16, 2020)

Dinger said:


> View attachment 585224



A number of London Underground stations have a thought for the day and they are often worth looking at. It's a good way to start the day.

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## Crimea_River (Jun 16, 2020)

I could just imagine the outrage on this side of the pond if we did that here.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 16, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Jun 16, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 16, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 16, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 16, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Jun 17, 2020)

Porn Stars at Your Door - Funny Campaign Tackles Serious Issue of Dangers Online for Children


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## Gnomey (Jun 17, 2020)




----------



## Wurger (Jun 18, 2020)




----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2020)

Wait a minute here....🤨🤔

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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Jun 19, 2020)



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----------



## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 19, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Jun 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 20, 2020)



Reactions: Informative Informative:
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## Wurger (Jun 20, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 21, 2020)



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## at6 (Jun 21, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 585709


Too bad for his wife that his Dingus is still only half the size of his middle digit even erect.


----------



## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 21, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Jun 22, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jun 22, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 22, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 22, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jun 23, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jun 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jun 24, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Jun 24, 2020)

...and that's my favorite!


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## Snautzer01 (Jun 24, 2020)

Mine too


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## Gnomey (Jun 24, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2020)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 24, 2020)

I don't feel safe.

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## ThomasP (Jun 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2020)

_"If you don't know history, then you don't know anything. 
You are a leaf that doesnt know it is a part of a tree." _

Michael Crichton

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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Jun 25, 2020)

And true.


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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2020)



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## EDFN (Jun 25, 2020)

You guys are hilarious! 


 Lucky13
: I just got a very, very disapproving look from my cat.
Reason: I dared to lay 2 of my guitars on "her" bed which I am allowed to use for a few hours at night, as long as I pet her.

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## Gnomey (Jun 25, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 25, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Jun 26, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2020)

😆😆😆😂😂😂

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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Jun 26, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 586111


He did asked me too, i told him go to the A-22, then left to Patton lane and the right onto Montgomery av. Beware of the Rats, quite an agressive breed it seems and gas up. Stations are far apart. And a warning for sight seeing, best to avoid Tobroek. Inhabitants can hardly be understood always looking for a Shiela and calling you Bruce. They are harder to get rid of then cockroaches and just will not leave however polite one could ask. The weather is also to be watched. All though Mosquitoes are there, one can better watch out for the Hurricane season. Perhaps an old trick, but it will bite you in the ass when you are on your merrily way. Narly little beasts. Also beware of rainstorms. The Lightnings and Thunderbolts are beautiful to see but better always on a very safe distance.
Birds of prey can be a problem too. Spitfires breeding like mad, are getting a nuisance, hawks in all its forms is trouble too. Horses can be petted but there is talk that 1 species is running wild causing havoc in a scale yet to be invented. But since they originated i think in Europe you are safe for now.

Hope he will enjoy his stay.

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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 27, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 27, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jun 27, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jun 27, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 28, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 28, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 28, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 29, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jun 29, 2020)




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## EDFN (Jun 30, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 586456


Reminds me of Roger Handt, legendary showmaster of a weekly radio quiz in Germany which I followed religiously for many years. Questions mostly were historical, but some times he asked something completely different.
One of these questions was, preferably with male participants:
"What feature of the human body can expand by more than 5 times it´s normal size if a man sees something pleasing and highly desirable?"
Most men tried to avoid a direct answer, preferring to just hint at some dirty phantasies and they quickly got set right by a highly amused Mr. Handt who told them about the human pupil and advised them to acquire a more realistic knowledge of the male anatomy... 

By the way: Did you know the problem of the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn´t control her pupils.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 1, 2020)

Seriously troops, we need a bit of whitaboutery....😉😆😂


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 1, 2020)

I so hope 12,531 is true!


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## Lucky13 (Jul 1, 2020)

Terry, your shagpad looks a tad different from my last visit....😉😆😂

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## vikingBerserker (Jul 1, 2020)

Is that the inside of Terry's new vehicle???????


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## Airframes (Jul 1, 2020)

Get outta here, you lot !

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## buffnut453 (Jul 1, 2020)

Airframes said:


> Get outta here, you lot !



Sorry, Terry...can't hear you for the deafening noise being made by your shagpad's walls and floor!

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## Lucky13 (Jul 1, 2020)

It's a wonder that people can hear themselves think....😉😆😂

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## Airframes (Jul 1, 2020)

Sorry, what was that ? I can't hear you.....................

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## TheMadPenguin (Jul 1, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> It's a wonder that people can hear themselves think....😉😆😂


Do people DO THAT?

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## Lucky13 (Jul 1, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 1, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jul 1, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 1, 2020)

Its really not that hard!


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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jul 2, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 586806
> 
> 
> View attachment 586807


I suspected that Kiwis were all fruits ... evidence accumulates!

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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)



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## pgeno71 (Jul 2, 2020)

Why, why did you have to go to the Ewoks?


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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)

They did _*NOT *_think this one through....😳😲😆😆😆😂😂😂

_Knull (comics) - Wikipedia_

_



_

_



_

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## TheMadPenguin (Jul 2, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> They did _*NOT *_think this one through....😳😲😆😆😆😂😂😂
> 
> _Knull (comics) - Wikipedia_
> 
> ...


Being as I am, the Man without a Clue, in what way was this not thought through?


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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Being as I am, the Man without a Clue, in what way was this not thought through?



It's Swedish for a way of....socialising! 😉😆😂

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## gumbyk (Jul 2, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Being as I am, the Man without a Clue, in what way was this not thought through?


swedish knull - Google Search

Although, in all fairness, it's about the only way to describe 2020 so far...

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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)

gumbyk said:


> swedish knull - Google Search
> 
> Although, in all fairness, it's about the only way to describe 2020 so far...



Yip....we're royally being screwed! 😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jul 2, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> It's Swedish for a way of....socialising! 😉😆😂


oh, fuck. In the age of the Wuhan Kung Flu, socializing must be done at a safe distance.

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## TheMadPenguin (Jul 2, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 586861


Wow! Tippecanoe and Tiger II!

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## Gnomey (Jul 3, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jul 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 586989
> 
> 
> View attachment 586990


"Rare" should have a note: "Waved in a warm room"
"Well Done" is served with a splash of napalm.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2020)

_If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off! _

Kurt Vonnegut



​

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 586989
> 
> 
> View attachment 586990


Worked the grille at a Beer and Brats festival. Imagine my horror when a woman approached and asked to put her _vegan veggie patty _on MY GRILLE!!!!!!

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## Wurger (Jul 4, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jul 4, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 4, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jul 4, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 4, 2020)



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## Crimea_River (Jul 4, 2020)

_A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM
*(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)*_​
​
_*Of course I loves ya darling*_​
_*You're a bloody top notch bird*_​
_*And when I say yer gorgeous*_​
_*I means every single word*_​
​
_*So yer arse is on the big side*_​
_*I don't mind a bit of flab*_​
_*It means that when I'm ready*_​
_*There's somethin' there to grab*_​
​
_*So yer belly isn't flat no more*_​
_*I tell ya, I don't care*_​
_*So long as when I cuddle ya*_​
_*I can get my arms round dere*_​
​
_*I'm tellin' ya the truth now*_​
_*I never tells ya lies*_​
_*I think its very sexy*_​
_*Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs*_​
​
_*I swear on me grannies grave*_​
_*From the moment that we met*_​
_*I thought you was as good as*_​
_*I was ever gonna get*_​
​
_*No matter what you look like*_​
_*I'll always love ya dear*_​
_*Now shut up while the hockey's on*_​
_*And get me a nudder beer.*_​

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## TheMadPenguin (Jul 5, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 587116


That's the Millenium FUBAR! Awacs-on, Awacs-off.

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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 5, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jul 5, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 5, 2020)



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## syscom3 (Jul 5, 2020)

The answer to that eternal question.

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## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Jul 6, 2020)

Crimea_River said:


> _A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM
> *(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)*_​
> ​
> _*Of course I loves ya darling*_​
> ...


Why is it, that when I read something from Newfoundland, the voice in my head is always buddy Frankies voice. In the mine he drove haul truck T-turteen


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## Lucky13 (Jul 6, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 6, 2020)



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## Crimea_River (Jul 6, 2020)

fubar57 said:


> Why is it, that when I read something from Newfoundland, the voice in my head is always buddy Frankies voice. In the mine he drove haul truck T-turteen



Turteen? Lard jayzus bye, dat's de woif's shoe size!

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## Lucky13 (Jul 7, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 7, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jul 7, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2020)

Guess where the fish keep their money? 

_In a river bank.. _

I'll walk myself out....

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## Wurger (Jul 8, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Jul 9, 2020)

.....I think 2020 has a new Album Cover.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jul 9, 2020)




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## Zipper730 (Jul 9, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 587547


There is light in space, it just travels in a straight line until it hits something like your eyeball. After all you couldn't see the sun if something blocked it.

In the atmosphere, the light is scattered by the atmosphere.

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 9, 2020)

Spoilsport.

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## nuuumannn (Jul 9, 2020)

Zipper730 said:


> There is light in space, it just travels in a straight line until it hits something like your eyeball. After all you couldn't see the sun if something blocked it.
> 
> In the atmosphere, the light is scattered by the atmosphere.

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## Wayne Little (Jul 10, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2020)




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## MIflyer (Jul 10, 2020)

A memorable quote from a pilot pointing at the remains of a homebuilt airplane:

"I thought the emergency landing went well up until the point where the fire started."

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## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jul 11, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 15, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 16, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jul 16, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2020)




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## gumbyk (Jul 16, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 588245


until you realise there's a negative sign in front...

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## at6 (Jul 16, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 587544


Lucky !!!!!!!!!!! Is that really you?

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## Lucky13 (Jul 17, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jul 17, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Jul 17, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jul 17, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 17, 2020)

Dammit, I even laughed at that!


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## SaparotRob (Jul 17, 2020)

I might have peed a little bit.


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## Lucky13 (Jul 17, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Jul 18, 2020)

La Linea. Very funny ! Look it up.


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## michaelmaltby (Jul 18, 2020)

... scary.


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## syscom3 (Jul 18, 2020)

LOL

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## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 19, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jul 19, 2020)




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## at6 (Jul 22, 2020)

Booga booga.


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## Lucky13 (Jul 23, 2020)



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## gumbyk (Jul 24, 2020)

OI!
This is the jokes thread, not the tear-jerkers section!

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 24, 2020)

Two ropes walk into a bar. 
Bartender says, "Hey we don't serve ropes here!"
So the ropes leave, but one really wants a drink. So he says to the other one, "Tie me up and drag me around the alley for a little bit."
So the second one ties him up and does as the first asks. 
The first rope then goes back in the bar and orders a drink. 
The bartender looks him over and says, "You look like a rope. We don't serve ropes here. Are you a rope?"
The rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

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## EDFN (Jul 24, 2020)

Lucky13
: A tear jerker indeed, but a true one. As I got a cat who probably goes through her last weeks, this one hits the spot. 
Folks, get the blood values of your cats, especially those of the kidneys checked at least once a year. Too many cats fall victim to unnoticed degeneration of kidney activity way too early.


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## vikingBerserker (Jul 24, 2020)

#12,636 I kept waiting for the cat to push her down the stairs. NOT COOL! <sniff>

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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2020)

Imagination by artist Marco Malgaretti....

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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Jul 24, 2020)

Stevie Wonders car i think. A little while back there was a picture of his car in this thread. I believe he was at a gas station.

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## Gnomey (Jul 24, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jul 25, 2020)




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## WARSPITER (Jul 25, 2020)

Snautzer01 said:


> Stevie Wonders car i think. A little while back there was a picture of his car in this thread. I believe he was at a gas station.



Definition of endless love....... Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.....

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## vikingBerserker (Jul 26, 2020)

aka "Tailgaitor-B-Gone".

Weekend Morning Awesomeness (33 photos)

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## Gnomey (Jul 26, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jul 26, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 27, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 27, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jul 27, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 27, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Jul 28, 2020)




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## Wurger (Jul 28, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2020)



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## Greg Boeser (Jul 28, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 590049



Yes, but did he pack it when he moved?

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 28, 2020)

We did.

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## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2020)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 29, 2020)

... working OVERTIME at the Chinese sex-doll factory. haha ... COVID big boom to business [South China Daily]

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## Lucky13 (Jul 29, 2020)



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## Wurger (Jul 29, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 29, 2020)

#12,666. I think the one front right actually a flotation device.

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## michaelmaltby (Jul 29, 2020)

... it "floats" egos

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## buffnut453 (Jul 29, 2020)

michaelmaltby said:


> ... it "floats" egos



Right up to the point where friends/family find out that Billy has bought one of these things...at which point the ego gets somewhat punctured (if you'll forgive the rather obvious pun).

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## Dana Bell (Jul 29, 2020)

Just another Chinese company going _bust _due to the virus...

Cheers,



Dana

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 29, 2020)

michaelmaltby said:


> ... working OVERTIME at the Chinese sex-doll factory. haha ... COVID big boom to business [South China Daily]
> View attachment 590166


The new Mae West live saving jacket got lost in translation.

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## Gnomey (Jul 30, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Jul 30, 2020)

Snautzer01 said:


> The new Mae West live saving jacket got lost in translation.



...and we have a winner!

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## Lucky13 (Jul 31, 2020)



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## Dash119 (Jul 31, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Jul 31, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 31, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 1, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 1, 2020)

Hey, its Wayne's house circa 1978!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 1, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 1, 2020)

vikingBerserker said:


> Hey, its Wayne's house circa 1978!


Yes the p-51 section. Mind you only de D models.

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## fubar57 (Aug 1, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 1, 2020)

Snautzer01 said:


> Yes the p-51 section. Mind you only de D models.


Ahh look his decal stash.
I think the guy in the forklift is Wayne just showing of. He would never hire a beared man.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 1, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 1, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 590515


10mm is one of my favorite calibers.


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## Lucky13 (Aug 1, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 2, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2020)




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## javlin (Aug 2, 2020)

*Italian Mother*
*Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the evening, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.




While watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama




Moral: Never Bulla Shita you Mama*

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## Capt. Vick (Aug 3, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 3, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 3, 2020)

1: Set off a few Krakatoa-grade volcanoes...
2: Set off a few 1908(SF)/2004(Boxing Day)/2011(Tōhoku) grade earthquakes...
3: Have 2 months of global drought/heatwave, followed by 2 months of global flood/freeze in the North hemisphere, opposite in the South hemisphere.
4: Hijack all broadcast news to carry PeeWee Herman reruns.
Which would be worse?

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## Gnomey (Aug 3, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 3, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 590815


Who's this guy?


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## Wurger (Aug 3, 2020)

E.T. seventy years later.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Who's this guy?



I haven't got the foggiest....🤨🤔


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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2020)

I say nothing! 🤫🤐

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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2020)

Duh! 😉😆😂

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## Wayne Little (Aug 4, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 4, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 4, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Aug 4, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 4, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 5, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 5, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 5, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 591050


Yeah, we could eat & like vegans.


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## ThomasP (Aug 5, 2020)

Was this a serious post on the original website?


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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 5, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> Was this a serious post on the original website?


Irrelevant: some folk are silly, some folk are seriously silly.

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## gumbyk (Aug 5, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> Was this a serious post on the original website?


Well, given that some vegans have killed their pet dogs by feeding them a vegan diet, I wouldn't be surprised if it was serious.


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## Greg Boeser (Aug 5, 2020)

I overheard a conversation at a vet clinic between the receptionist and the doc. A caller was inquiring what to feed her cat because she was vegan. The doc said: "Tell her to get a bunny!"
I had a lot more respect for that doc after that.

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## Crimea_River (Aug 5, 2020)

But cats don't eat bunnies.


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## gumbyk (Aug 5, 2020)

Crimea_River said:


> But cats don't eat bunnies.


Yes they do...

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## Lucky13 (Aug 6, 2020)

Especially if they're wrapped in bacon!

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 6, 2020)

But they always ask polite

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## Sid327 (Aug 6, 2020)

The New Generation

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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 6, 2020)

....and we have a winner!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 7, 2020)

Grand Master Jay, "we're all military trained"....

Somehow, I dont think playing "_Call of Duty" _counts....😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Aug 7, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Aug 7, 2020)

This isn't a joke...but (IMHO) it's the BEST headline and news story of the year so far:

Cheeky Boar Leaves Nudist Grunting in Laptop Chase

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 7, 2020)

I remember what dating life was like. Who amongst us hasn't chased a "pig" of some type while butt naked????

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## at6 (Aug 7, 2020)

Sid327 said:


> The New Generation


That girl is always angry because she's too d*mned ugly to get a date.

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## Gnomey (Aug 7, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 7, 2020)

Women bitching about nog getting any dates....duh, with _that _attitude, not even a inflatable would date you! 😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 8, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 591305


I miss the boobees.

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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 8, 2020)

Snautzer01 said:


> I miss the boobees.


I see boobies once in a while, but you see a USB everywhere.

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## Wurger (Aug 8, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 8, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 8, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 8, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Aug 8, 2020)

For snautzer

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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 8, 2020)

Boob bees.

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## Wurger (Aug 9, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 9, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 9, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 9, 2020)

Classic!

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## Gnomey (Aug 9, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 9, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> Classic!
> 
> View attachment 591446


*speechless*
*texts life insurance company to bump up my pay-out*


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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2020)

_"I never have any excitement on my ops - everything always goes perfectly." _

'Group Captain' Acting Flight Lieutenant Fowler


_"After my BAT course, I shall be able to operate on the dirtiest nights or wear dark glasses on a good night!"_ 

Flt Lt Hankey


_"I can see it coming once again - lovely weather, lovely moon, no ops - and vice versa. Not that I'm complaining, mind you! I thrive on difficulties!"_

Robin Hooper


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## Lucky13 (Aug 11, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Aug 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 591611



That's sexist. They could be visiting Mum/Mom!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 11, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Aug 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 591618



My eldest son just got engaged....this is SO timely!!!

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## Wurger (Aug 11, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 11, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 591645


The Army of Darkness! Cuter than expected, actually.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 12, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 12, 2020)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 12, 2020)

... so dark, Lucky, so _d a r k_

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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 13, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 13, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 13, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 13, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 591762


THAT puts a new meaning into "Suspended Sentence"!

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## Airframes (Aug 13, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Aug 13, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 13, 2020)

Airframes said:


> View attachment 591789


This is too political!
ALL PINTS MATTER!

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## Airframes (Aug 13, 2020)

Apart from Budweiser ..................

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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 13, 2020)

Airframes said:


> Apart from Budweiser ..................


Hey! Budweiser is perfect for clearing slugs and snails out of the garden! Put a shallow dish full where the slugs/snails are a pest, they slither in overnight and drown.
I understand this improves the taste of the budweiser, but I have not verified it myself.

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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Aug 13, 2020)

Airframes said:


> Apart from Budweiser ..................



The US version is made from rice, it doesn't count!

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## at6 (Aug 13, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 591682


To quote some of a song. "You can step into another world,
You can talk to a pretty girl But don't fall in love love."

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## javlin (Aug 15, 2020)

Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous.They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town,the two boys are probably involved.The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children,so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So, the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

_"WHERE IS GOD?!"_

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet,slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,"We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"_GOD_ is missing, and they think _WE did it!"_​

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## Gnomey (Aug 15, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 16, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Aug 16, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 16, 2020)

And he has his own cartboard box named Wilson already.

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## Wurger (Aug 16, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 16, 2020)

For your information, my place is called Fort Yorktown! 🙄😉😆😂

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 16, 2020)

ah yes, Lucky. named, no doubt, after the famous WW1 hero, Sgt. Yorktown.

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## ThomasP (Aug 16, 2020)

About 2 weeks ago the 5-yo daughter of a friend announced that she has decided she is going to be a gymnast. When I was visiting yesterday I noticed she now has this poster on her wall:







Beware world, beware.

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## eagledad (Aug 16, 2020)

These glorious insults are from an era " before" the English language
got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, " said* Disraeli*, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ."
*Walter Kerr*

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
*Winston Churchill*

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
*Clarence Darrow*

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
*William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)*

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
*Moses Hadas*

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
*Mark Twain*

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
*Oscar Wilde*

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend, if you have one."
*George Bernard Shaw *to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
*Winston Churchill*, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
*Stephen Bishop*

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
*John Bright*

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
*Irvin S. Cobb*

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
*Samuel Johnson*

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
* Paul Keating
*
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
*Charles, Count Talleyrand*

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
*Forrest Tucker*

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
*Mark Twain*

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
*Mae West*

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
*Oscar Wilde*

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination."
*Andrew Lang (1844-1912*)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
*Billy Wilder*

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
*Groucho Marx*

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 16, 2020)

These are great.


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## Gnomey (Aug 16, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 18, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 18, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2020)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 18, 2020)

_*Political 'spin'*_

*No matter what side of the AISLE you're on,* *THIS is FUNNY.*
Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

*Harry Reid:* 

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

*"*Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed*."*

*... that's how it's done, boys *

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## SaparotRob (Aug 18, 2020)

michaelmaltby said:


> _*Political 'spin'*_
> 
> *No matter what side of the AISLE you're on,* *THIS is FUNNY.*
> Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
> ...


Is this true? You know the old saying; if it sounds too good to be true it probably is.


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## ThomasP (Aug 18, 2020)

Fortunately (unfortunately?) it is not true. The exact same story (literally almost word for word) has been used before , several times over the last 20-25 years, depicting several other politicians as the descendant. It is funny though.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 18, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> Fortunately (unfortunately?) it is not true. The exact same story (literally almost word for word) has been used before , several times over the last 20-25 years, depicting several other politicians as the descendant. It is funny though.


Darn it!

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## at6 (Aug 19, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 592197


And don't forget to wipe your hard drive.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 19, 2020)

at6 said:


> And don't forget to wipe your hard drive.


The job isn’t finished until the paperwork is done.

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## gumbyk (Aug 19, 2020)

at6 said:


> And don't forget to wipe your hard drive.


Nothing there, but a hose...

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 19, 2020)



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## SaparotRob (Aug 19, 2020)

I 2020’d that jerk big time!

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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2020)




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## SaparotRob (Aug 19, 2020)

I got a letter from the IRS. Oh, am I 2020’d.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 19, 2020)

*On lies ....*..
As Goebbels classified it : 
white lie - lie that can stand in court. 
grey lie - it didn't happen, but it could. 
black lie - you give a dollar worth of lie. People believe 1 cent of it, and that is enough

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## Lucky13 (Aug 19, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 20, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2020)

Terry?

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## SaparotRob (Aug 21, 2020)

So you’ve met my wife

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## at6 (Aug 21, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 592261


When did I become a Goldfish?


----------



## at6 (Aug 21, 2020)

Might be your ex if she sees your post.


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## SaparotRob (Aug 21, 2020)

No problem. She refuses to learn English.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 21, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 21, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Aug 21, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 21, 2020)




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## EDFN (Aug 21, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 592301


It is this kind of jokes that gave me a reputation as an aviation nerd when in highschool: I thought they were hilarious, but no one else understood them. 
Good we are in a forum of nerds here!

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## SaparotRob (Aug 21, 2020)

EDFN said:


> It is this kind of jokes that gave me a reputation as an aviation nerd when in highschool: I thought they were hilarious, but no one else understood them.
> Good we are in a forum of nerds here!


Not all of us. But I am.

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## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2020)




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## at6 (Aug 21, 2020)

SaparotRob said:


> So you’ve met my wife





EDFN said:


> It is this kind of jokes that gave me a reputation as an aviation nerd when in highschool: I thought they were hilarious, but no one else understood them.
> Good we are in a forum of nerds here!


Oh you said nerds. I thought you said turds and I agreed.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 22, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2020)



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## at6 (Aug 22, 2020)

Believe your a$$hole when it says, "Never trust a fart".

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## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 22, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)

_-Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
-Grandad!
-Oh, shit. Stop the funeral!_

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Bernhart (Aug 23, 2020)

3irst? prize for quenching thirst? or being thirsty?

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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 23, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 592470


Ahhh the deadly extremly late, more post war, Messerschmitt. In this case armed with a captured 50. Cal. Service ceiling left to be desired and turn radius worse than a fat elefant on scates.
Luftwaffle fanbois always over estimate the capabilities of this late bird. However like the he162 build in numbers. Most kills against it was not by usaaf p-51 but by brick walls.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 23, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 23, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 23, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 592511


Google Translate does not understand the word in white.


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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 23, 2020)

at6 said:


> Believe your a$$hole when it says, "Never trust a fart".


Especially when there could be payload along with the propellant.

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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 23, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 592469


"User level maintenance. We're not sending a truck."

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## ThomasP (Aug 24, 2020)

"о сука" is Russian for "Oh...bitch", in English roughly translates as "Oh" (expression of consternation) plus "bitch" (epithet ie 'you bitch').

If you use a Cyrillic keyboard or select the characters from a Cyrillic font (try "Russian Keyboard Online • Cyrillic Alphabet • LEXILOGOS") and copy-paste into Google Translate you should get a translation.


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## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 25, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Aug 25, 2020)

I think it's actually "3st" (sounds like thirst). It's a medal for Drinking. Ask Terry, he should have some of them........

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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 25, 2020)

vikingBerserker said:


> I think it's actually "3st" (sounds like thirst). It's a medal for Drinking. Ask Terry, he should have some of them........


No Terry has all of them.

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## Airframes (Aug 25, 2020)

Not quite all - Jan, Karl and Andy have some of the remaining ones !!!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 25, 2020)




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## syscom3 (Aug 25, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2020)



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## Crimea_River (Aug 26, 2020)

Airframes said:


> Not quite all - Jan, Karl and Andy have some of the remaining ones !!!



I had mine melted down to build a yacht.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2020)



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## Crimea_River (Aug 26, 2020)

The first step in the road to a cure is admitting you have a problem.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2020)

Crimea_River said:


> The first step in the road to a cure is admitting you have a problem.



I would, if there was a problem....😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 26, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 592893


This is a gas!
(How do farts rate on the octane scale? Pre-detonation does occur at times.)

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 26, 2020)

"Howler" LOL

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## at6 (Aug 26, 2020)

Made me F O L.

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## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 28, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Aug 28, 2020)



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## at6 (Aug 28, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 593061


Some how that's super sexy. However, I must ask this. Is it male or female?


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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 28, 2020)

at6 said:


> Made me F O L.


FOL? Fart Overly Loudly?
I do that without provocation.

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 28, 2020)

at6 said:


> Some how that's super sexy. However, I must ask this. Is it male or female?


Turned on a little perhaps ?

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## SaparotRob (Aug 28, 2020)

Snautzer01 said:


> Turned on a little perhaps ?


I am but don’t let anyone know.

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## TheMadPenguin (Aug 28, 2020)

Snautzer01 said:


> Turned on a little perhaps ?


"turned on a little": Is that a short person joke?

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## Shortround6 (Aug 28, 2020)

_vertically challenged_, must be PC you know.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 28, 2020)

Peewee in the Teepee

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## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 28, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> "turned on a little": Is that a short person joke?


Just a tiny one.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2020)

Undoubtedly yes!

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 30, 2020)

Da...



..ummm.

Photo credit: Bird on a Wire: Electric Shock Hazards

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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 30, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Aug 30, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2020)

....in other words, we're f🤬led! 😉😆😂

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## Wurger (Aug 30, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2020)



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## Wurger (Aug 31, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Aug 31, 2020)




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## Wurger (Aug 31, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Aug 31, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Aug 31, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Aug 31, 2020)

So a bear walks into a liquor store...





https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/bear-revelstoke-liquor-store-wildsafe-bc-1.5703061​

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 31, 2020)

Cripes, we only used dogs to protect our property. Canadians use fricken bears!


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## Snautzer01 (Aug 31, 2020)

vikingBerserker said:


> Cripes, we only used dogs to protect our property. Canadians use fricken bears!


Crime rate, it seems to be very low overthere. Funny how that works. A gun will bring another gun, bear will make make anybody pray to whatever devine being, and never never never ever cross his/her heart, do it again. That is a if and only if bear has some other thrash to chew. If not you end up being dunn in the woods

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## Gnomey (Aug 31, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Aug 31, 2020)

Staying with the bear theme, getting ready to hibernate I guess





https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/black-bear-hotel-lobby-whistler-resort-1.5706700​

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## fubar57 (Aug 31, 2020)

More bear stuff





https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/black-bear-coquitlam-runner-1.5705377​The Whistler one above was in July but the other two are in the past few days

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## ThomasP (Aug 31, 2020)

Tag, you're it??

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 31, 2020)

Git yer paw off my woman!!!

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## at6 (Sep 1, 2020)

Just grin and bear it.

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## Peter Gunn (Sep 1, 2020)

Herbie!!! Don't play with your food!

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## vikingBerserker (Sep 1, 2020)

The most important ability to have in bear country is not the ability to outrun the bear, but the ability to outrun your companions. My dad taught me that as I was trying to catch up to him.

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## fubar57 (Sep 1, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2020)




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## v2 (Sep 2, 2020)

...

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## Wurger (Sep 2, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 2, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Sep 2, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Sep 2, 2020)

If I ever join again, I'm so doing that!


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## buffnut453 (Sep 2, 2020)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the chicken next to him wasn't social distancing.

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## fubar57 (Sep 2, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2020)




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## SaparotRob (Sep 3, 2020)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 593598​


Finally, a workable plan.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Sep 3, 2020)

A great 8 minute send up that shatters the fourth wall

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## at6 (Sep 3, 2020)

That was funny as hell !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Gnomey (Sep 3, 2020)




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## at6 (Sep 4, 2020)

For some reason I can't stop watching this video.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 5, 2020)

BMW? 😉😆😂

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 5, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> BMW? 😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 593889



American driver...

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## Gnomey (Sep 5, 2020)

Both

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## michaelmaltby (Sep 5, 2020)

Russian pharm industry produced a new drug :

NOVICHEK*
anal candles
anti-traitor remedy
Decreases leaks, irritation, pain in the ass
May increase sanctions
*PutinPharm

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## Lucky13 (Sep 6, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 6, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 6, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 6, 2020)

Words, 3 or otherwise, will not suffice:

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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 6, 2020)

michaelmaltby said:


> A great 8 minute send up that shatters the fourth wall



We need this voice at the next Presidential Candidate Debate.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 6, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> We need this voice at the next Presidential Candidate Debate.


I’m not being political here but I would have loved the Democrats to have selected Alec Baldwin as their candidate. Just to watch Donald Trump debate “Donald Trump”. Nick Offerman ( the voice of the narrator) would have of course been the moderator.

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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 6, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 7, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 7, 2020)



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## Greg Boeser (Sep 7, 2020)

LMFAO!


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## Gnomey (Sep 7, 2020)




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## Airframes (Sep 7, 2020)

A blind friend was given a cheese grater as part of a package of house-warming gifts.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read .................................

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## Crimea_River (Sep 7, 2020)

........ and he couldn't understand why the text said "A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A"

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## Gnomey (Sep 8, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Sep 9, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Sep 9, 2020)

What happens when you land on the wrong carrier deck.

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## at6 (Sep 10, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 594418
> 
> 
> What happens when you land on the wrong carrier deck.


This would make a great model in these markings. Too bad no one made a sheet for this.


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## ThomasP (Sep 10, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Sep 10, 2020)




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## Wurger (Sep 10, 2020)




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## javlin (Sep 10, 2020)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY .

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Sep 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 11, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 11, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 12, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2020)




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## Wurger (Sep 12, 2020)

Oh boy...

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## Lucky13 (Sep 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 14, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 15, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 15, 2020)

Gnomey said:


> View attachment 595153


During WWII, torpedo fuel could be tested by mixing 50/50 with fruit juice. 
(until Easily Offended Nobodies in DC decided we had to poison the torpedo fuel to prevent drinking testing it.)

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 15, 2020)

The _real_ reason the US torpedoes didn't work. Too much testing.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 15, 2020)

I think you’re on to something.


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## Greg Boeser (Sep 15, 2020)

Never touched the stuff. Honest.


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## Shortround6 (Sep 15, 2020)

Greg Boeser said:


> The _real_ reason the US torpedoes didn't work. Too much testing.


Too much test of the fuel, not enough fuel left to actually test the torpedoes

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## Lucky13 (Sep 16, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 16, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 16, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 16, 2020)

That's awesome!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 16, 2020)



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## at6 (Sep 16, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 595238


It looks like I need another model kit.


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## Gnomey (Sep 16, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 16, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Sep 17, 2020)

Ya know....there are some days when I feel that Google Reverse Image search doesn't give a flying f**k any more

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## Gnomey (Sep 17, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 17, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 17, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 17, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 595366


Go tag the 7 Samurai while you're at it. I hope Toshiro gives you the What For Out the Door.

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## WATU (Sep 18, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 19, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 20, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 20, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2020)




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## v2 (Sep 21, 2020)

...

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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 21, 2020)

v2 said:


> ...
> View attachment 595652


I'd holler "CUT!" but I might be misunderstood!

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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 21, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 21, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 595674


...and recoils at the price tag...

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 21, 2020)

That's got a kick to it!

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## v2 (Sep 22, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 22, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 22, 2020)

From TheChive

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## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2020)




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## Capt. Vick (Sep 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 23, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Sep 23, 2020)

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2020)

English is easy, English is cool,
You are teaching me and I'm teaching you.

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## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 23, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 23, 2020)



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## v2 (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 24, 2020)




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## XBe02Drvr (Sep 24, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 595674


And recoils to port!

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## Snowygrouch (Sep 24, 2020)

(this is from a real intelligence summary FYI... the Sergent is enjoying some mirth with his captors apparently....)

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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Sep 24, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 25, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 26, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 595967


'Scuuze me, sir! Is this yours? Sir! SIR!!!

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## TheMadPenguin (Sep 26, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 595945


Is your cup half empty or half full? No matter, you got the wrong bra!

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## ThomasP (Sep 27, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 27, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 27, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 27, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Sep 27, 2020)

Taiwan

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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2020)



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## XBe02Drvr (Sep 28, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 596419


Most women have never bivouacked in the field.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 28, 2020)

XBe02Drvr said:


> Most women have never bivouacked in the field.



Women in the Army and Marines say hello.

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## XBe02Drvr (Sep 28, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Women in the Army and Marines say hello.


And they deserve our respect and thanks for their service, but they're hardly representative of womankind in general, unfortunately. Wish they were, the military might be more sensibly run.

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## gumbyk (Sep 28, 2020)

XBe02Drvr said:


> Most women have never bivouacked in the field.


Most men haven't either...

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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2020)




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## XBe02Drvr (Sep 28, 2020)

gumbyk said:


> Most men haven't either...


How unfortunately true! It does give one a different perspective on what's necessary, as
opposed to desirable. A week in the field, "living tactical" camouflaged against aggressors, and eating roots, berries, snakes, and raw fish, while engaging in assigned reconnaissance missions, tends to rearrange your priorities a bit. Our ROTC advisor, a green beret brevet major, was determined to make SF troops of us.
I chose not to continue after two years, when it finally dawned on me what an incompetent, screwed up organization the US Army was at the time. By autumn of '67 it was already apparent to me what a hopeless disaster Vietnam was, and having more awareness of Asian history and culture than the average American, it was apparent to me sooner than most.


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## SaparotRob (Sep 28, 2020)

XBe02Drvr said:


> How unfortunately true! It does give one a different perspective on what's necessary, as
> opposed to desirable. A week in the field, "living tactical" camouflaged against aggressors, and eating roots, berries, snakes, and raw fish, while engaging in assigned reconnaissance missions, tends to rearrange your priorities a bit. Our ROTC advisor, a green beret brevet major, was determined to make SF troops of us.
> I chose not to continue after two years, when it finally dawned on me what an incompetent, screwed up organization the US Army was at the time. By autumn of '67 it was already apparent to me what a hopeless disaster Vietnam was, and having more awareness of Asian history and culture than the average American, it was apparent to me sooner than most.


I had a PMS who did just that. Only it was my high school buddy who went on to De Opresso Libre. 
I was invited to leave.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2020)



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## XBe02Drvr (Sep 29, 2020)

SaparotRob said:


> I had a PMS who did just that. Only it was my high school buddy who went on to De Opresso Libre.
> I was invited to leave.


Lucky dude! Sorry about your buddy. My high school high jump and hurdle mentor (one year ahead of me) flunked out of college first semester and became a "tunnel rat" in Vietnam. Came back physically intact, but just not the same guy. Went through a series of dorm roommates before they gave him an apartment in married student housing to get him out of the "barracks".

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## Lucky13 (Sep 29, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 29, 2020)

True...


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## SaparotRob (Sep 29, 2020)

Re: post 13060
He made out pretty well. He became a Southeast Asia specialist. What a great tour guide he was. Tooling down the Thai equivalent of an interstate in an SUV with diplomatic tags is a great way to sight see.

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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 30, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 30, 2020)



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## Wurger (Sep 30, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 30, 2020)

I still love big hair!

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## davparlr (Sep 30, 2020)

gumbyk said:


> Most men haven't either...


I was in the Air Force and we bivouacked in the field all over the world. Let's see there was the BOQ in Yokota, BOQ in Kidena, Hilton in Tehran, Hilton in Addis Ababa, BOQ at Homestead, and, let's, uh, oh yeah, BOQ in Guantanamo Bay. I don't know, roughing it in the field didn't seem so bad to me.

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## Gnomey (Sep 30, 2020)




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## buffnut453 (Sep 30, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 596686



That gets the Bad Joke of the Week award. Truly, wonderfully awful!!!

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## Lucky13 (Oct 3, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 3, 2020)



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## ARTESH (Oct 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 596687


Possibly they have had some problems with Electric wires!

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## ARTESH (Oct 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 596935


You are Dead for Sure!!! just you didn't realize it yet

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## at6 (Oct 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 596687





ARTESH said:


> ad some problems with Electric wires!


Poor 4eyes and they look they all just saw Joe Biden naked.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 3, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2020)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 3, 2020)

Stealing that


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## ARTESH (Oct 4, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 597022



I understand it with all of my cells ...

even sometimes I can feel the Middle ages!!!

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## Lucky13 (Oct 4, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 4, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 4, 2020)

Liked by 11 year old boy.


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## Gnomey (Oct 4, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 5, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Oct 5, 2020)

LMAO!


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## Wurger (Oct 5, 2020)




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## buffnut453 (Oct 5, 2020)

vikingBerserker said:


> LMAO!



Is that why the "His" hole is smaller? 

Enquiring minds MAY want to know...but sometimes ignorance is bliss. 😃

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 5, 2020)

Oh I think her foot is about to make it MUCH bigger!

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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 7, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 7, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 7, 2020)

Very Cool....


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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 7, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2020)




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## Wurger (Oct 7, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 8, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Oct 8, 2020)

I've always been a sucker for Linda Carter.


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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 8, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 596687


Something in common: They tried the same vibrator; it was a van-de-Graf generator.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 9, 2020)



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## Bernhart (Oct 9, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 597657


would love to see that

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 10, 2020)

I wonder if my wife will approve?

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 10, 2020)

Monty Python

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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 10, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I wonder if my wife will approve?
> 
> View attachment 597689


Bathroom should be between bedroom & kitchen, or you'll wind up peeing in the reefer some dark groggy night.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 10, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Bathroom should be between bedroom & kitchen, or you'll wind up peeing in the reefer some dark groggy night.



I’m only 40, I don’t have to get up pee throughout the night. As a foodie, the kitchen closer to the bedroom is more to my liking.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Bathroom should be between bedroom & kitchen, or you'll wind up peeing in the reefer some dark groggy night.


🤐😗🎶🎵🎼

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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2020)



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## at6 (Oct 10, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I’m only 40, I don’t have to get up pee throughout the night. As a foodie, the kitchen closer to the bedroom is more to my liking.


Is your cooking that crappy?

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## Gnomey (Oct 10, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I’m only 40, I don’t have to get up pee throughout the night. As a foodie, the kitchen closer to the bedroom is more to my liking.



Oh to be 40 again, to be young, with no problems whatsoever, the whole world at your feet....😉😆😂


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 10, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> Oh to be 40 again, to be young, with no problems whatsoever, the whole world at your feet....😉😆😂



40 and no problems? What world do you live in?

Let’s see...

Mortgage payment... check
Bills... check
Medical bills... check
2 kids under the age of 40... check
Trying to convince the wife to let ne by a plane... check


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 10, 2020)

at6 said:


> Is your cooking that crappy?



No, its closer to the bedroom so I don’t have to go so far from the kitchen after filling my stomach.


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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> 40 and no problems? What world do you live in?
> 
> Let’s see...
> 
> ...



SWMBO isn't letting you buy a plane!? 😳😲😱

Have you tried this one, a good family model, room for a family of four and with space for luggage....pretty much a station wagon with wings! 😉😆😂

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## Glider (Oct 10, 2020)

The plane is probably the easy bit. Buying the fuel the hard bit

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## ThomasP (Oct 11, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 11, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 11, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> SWMBO isn't letting you buy a plane!? 😳😲😱
> 
> Have you tried this one, a good family model, room for a family of four and with space for luggage....pretty much a station wagon with wings! 😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 597760


As a free bonus, there are racks on the wings to accommodate the in-laws!
AND, since the wings fold up on this one, there is now room for a third plane in your hanger!

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## Gnomey (Oct 12, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Oct 12, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 12, 2020)

Good one. To whoever came up with that one . . I salute you.


----------



## ThomasP (Oct 13, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 13, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 13, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 14, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 14, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598169


The Splits: You're doing it wrong!

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## Gnomey (Oct 14, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 15, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598237


Re-caption: Balcony - 7 feet thataway.

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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 15, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598174


Yeah, do it: SINK YOUR LIFE'S SAVINGS IN A SUBMARINE!

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## at6 (Oct 15, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598174


It should be as reliable as a Trabant.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Oct 15, 2020)

That is so true!


----------



## Wurger (Oct 15, 2020)




----------



## Crimea_River (Oct 15, 2020)

What, no 74/75/76?


----------



## TheMadPenguin (Oct 15, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598296


Where's the Haze Gray (for Haze Gray and Underway).


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## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 15, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598397


Unknown : I don't have a meme bone in my body.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 16, 2020)



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## v2 (Oct 16, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 16, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598417


Charisma is successfully marketing tomato fruit salad as a Salsa.

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## at6 (Oct 16, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Charisma is successfully marketing tomato fruit salad as a Salsa.


Isn't that what Rochie does?

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## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2020)




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## MIflyer (Oct 16, 2020)

Heard from a pilot at Spruce Creek Airport, in response to a question about the tail of a homebuilt hanging from the ceiling of a hangar:

"I thought the emergency landing went real well up until the point where the fire started."

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 16, 2020)

MIflyer said:


> Heard from a pilot at Spruce Creek Airport, in response to a question about the tail of a homebuilt hanging from the ceiling of a hangar:
> 
> "I thought the emergency landing went real well up until the point where the fire started."


Popular guy. Was quoted in this thread before.

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## Airframes (Oct 16, 2020)

Or as one Instructor was heard to say " Well, old chap. That wasn't so much as a landing, more a rather erratic arrival. Your round, I believe ?"

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## Crimea_River (Oct 16, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 17, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 17, 2020)




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## rochie (Oct 17, 2020)

at6 said:


> Isn't that what Rochie does?


except i would've called it.
savoury compote of vine fruits in piquant vinaigrette.

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## rochie (Oct 17, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598296


my wife saw this on Facebook a while ago and simply said "this is you" !

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## Crimea_River (Oct 17, 2020)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 17, 2020)

Are you spying on me?

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## ThomasP (Oct 17, 2020)

Alexa "Don't be silly, of course not."

Siri "Why do you ask?"

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## ThomasP (Oct 18, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 18, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Oct 18, 2020)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 598630


Probably work beter then the ones in the store here

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## Wurger (Oct 18, 2020)

Exactly I've thought the same.


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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2020)




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## at6 (Oct 18, 2020)

And you can eat it when done.


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## buffnut453 (Oct 18, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 18, 2020)




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## buffnut453 (Oct 18, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 18, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 19, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Oct 19, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 19, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2020)




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## v2 (Oct 19, 2020)

...

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## Gnomey (Oct 20, 2020)




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## v2 (Oct 20, 2020)

...

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## Wurger (Oct 20, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 21, 2020)




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## Wurger (Oct 21, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 21, 2020)

Can I get a turret with my pod?

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## Dana Bell (Oct 21, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 598981




That's really grate!

Cheers,



Dana

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## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Oct 21, 2020)

From the Hawker Typhoon Preservation Group FB page:

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 22, 2020)

That's awesome!


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## fubar57 (Oct 22, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 22, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 22, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 22, 2020)

Maybe that is the type the shark stepped on?

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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 23, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2020)



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## Wurger (Oct 24, 2020)




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## buffnut453 (Oct 24, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 24, 2020)

it was Otto von Bismarck, IIRC, who said that if one loved sausage and the law, one should see neither of them being made.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2020)

Honey, look what I won ebay!

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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2020)



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## SaparotRob (Oct 24, 2020)

You think tape grows on trees?

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 24, 2020)

Wouldn't be sporting....

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## fubar57 (Oct 24, 2020)

Back in the '70's I had a friend who locked his keys in his '65 Rambler while at a gas station.




​Being liquored up and not wanting advice, he proceeded to kick out his back window and gained access to his keys. Note the tiny butterfly window on the door

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 24, 2020)

what B:stard would kick a tiny butterfly ?? After enough Jack D everybody is a wild life friend. But that said he must have been out of his rockers kicking such a car in the first place ?. 
A Prius i would kick for free stone sober an a Monday morning at 07:00

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## Glider (Oct 24, 2020)

Its not quite a joke but a little sarcastic humour.

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## ARTESH (Oct 24, 2020)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I wonder if my wife will approve?
> 
> View attachment 597689


That's great. Underground is a giant fuel depot and second floor serves as a Control Tower.

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## ThomasP (Oct 24, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 25, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2020)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 25, 2020)

“It’s Easier to Fool People Than It Is to Convince Them That They Have Been Fooled.” – Mark Twain.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 26, 2020)



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## Glider (Oct 26, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 599642



Being a therapist I can think of a number of times where a client and I have shared versions of this exchange. 

My normal response isn't no, I often just look at them, wait a second and say 'Do you want to pass that across me again?'. Nine times out of ten they get the message. 

But then again, I haven't had a modeller as a client, which might give you all some hope.

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## Crimea_River (Oct 26, 2020)

There is no therapy that can help a modeller.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 26, 2020)



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## fubar57 (Oct 26, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 26, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 26, 2020)

re:"There is no therapy that can help a modeller."

MODELLERS DONT NEED THERAPY! THE REST OF THE WORLD JUST NEEDS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE SUPERIORITY OF OUR HOBBY . . . and they should oooh and aaah once in a while more often. And maybe not say things like "Oh, thats nice dear".

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## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 26, 2020)

Or "When are you going to clean the gutters?"


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## Lucky13 (Oct 26, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 27, 2020)




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## Wurger (Oct 27, 2020)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 27, 2020)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 27, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 27, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Oct 27, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> Honey, look what I won ebay!
> 
> View attachment 599410


That's not a real plane. That's just a phantom. Real planes have propellers.

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## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2020)




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## XBe02Drvr (Oct 27, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> Honey, look what I won ebay!
> 
> View attachment 599410


"No, son, that's not an aeroplane. Its momma was an aeroplane who got to fooling around with a rocketship one night, and that's what happened.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 28, 2020)

You know who you are....

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## Lucky13 (Oct 28, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 28, 2020)




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## MiTasol (Oct 28, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> re:"There is no therapy that can help a modeller."
> 
> MODELLERS DONT NEED THERAPY! THE REST OF THE WORLD JUST NEEDS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE SUPERIORITY OF OUR HOBBY . . . and they should oooh and aaah once in a while more often. And maybe not say things like "Oh, thats nice dear".



Especially true for 1:1 modelers.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 28, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 28, 2020)

Uhmm . . . . I am not a psychopath?? Just a guess.


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## Wayne Little (Oct 29, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 29, 2020)

That just means you need to work harder at being a psychopath.

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## ThomasP (Oct 29, 2020)

LOL!! Good one.


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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2020)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 29, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Oct 30, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Oct 30, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2020)




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## at6 (Nov 1, 2020)

Greg Boeser said:


> Or "When are you going to clean the gutters?"


Never !!!!!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Nov 2, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 2, 2020)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 600574


Two days until the _next_ election cycle!!!!

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## buffnut453 (Nov 3, 2020)

Greg Boeser said:


> Two days until the _next_ election cycle!!!!



I need that "head shake" emoji again!

Witty, but sad, Mr. Boeser!

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## Wayne Little (Nov 3, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Nov 3, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 4, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 4, 2020)

More like after five minutes....

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## Lucky13 (Nov 4, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 4, 2020)

No more masking! 😉😆😂

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## Wurger (Nov 5, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 5, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Nov 5, 2020)

I never thought of that, time to break out the epee!

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## Gnomey (Nov 5, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 5, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 5, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 6, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 7, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 7, 2020)



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## Wurger (Nov 7, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 7, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Nov 7, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Nov 7, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 8, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 8, 2020)

Heads up people! During nights, battle axe will be used instead! 😉😆😂

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## Wayne Little (Nov 8, 2020)




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## Wurger (Nov 8, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Nov 8, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Nov 9, 2020)

I had page 666 of 666 in this thread. Devilishly funny.

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## gumbyk (Nov 9, 2020)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 601291


I wouldn't be too sure about that. Quite likely to be poisonous.

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## TheMadPenguin (Nov 9, 2020)

gumbyk said:


> I wouldn't be too sure about that. Quite likely to be poisonous.


If they eat cockroaches, I want a half-dozen or so.

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## Crimea_River (Nov 9, 2020)

Yeah, but when the cockroaches are gone.....

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## TheMadPenguin (Nov 9, 2020)

Crimea_River said:


> Yeah, but when the cockroaches are gone.....


Dude ... this is FLORIDA. "When the cockroaches are gone" is like "When stupidity is cured".

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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (Nov 9, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Dude ... this is FLORIDA. "When the cockroaches are gone" is like "When stupidity is cured".


Yeah, according to the CDC, the case curve on stupidity is entering the "hockey stick" phase.

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## ThomasP (Nov 9, 2020)

re:"Yeah, according to the CDC, the case curve on stupidity is entering the "hockey stick" phase."

I say once again that we need a combined "agree and that is also funny" symbol.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Nov 10, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 601461


This, Unfortunately, is no joke.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Nov 10, 2020)

So NOT funny! lol

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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2020)

....or about £7,500!

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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2020)



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## Snautzer01 (Nov 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> ....or about £7,500!
> 
> View attachment 601492




I would go here.
10236 Charing Cross Rd, Los Angeles, CA 90024.

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## TheMadPenguin (Nov 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> ....or about £7,500!
> 
> View attachment 601492


This won't buy much of an airplane.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2020)



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## MIflyer (Nov 11, 2020)

$10,000 in one hour?

Easy! Any airport!

Or maybe a Hooters.


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## MIflyer (Nov 11, 2020)

Something I have never quite figured out:

If I buy 48 1/48 P-51 model kits, why don't I have a full sized P-51?

By the way, I have made a good start on that approach for the P-51A version.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2020)



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## MIflyer (Nov 11, 2020)

Never mind that, why was it on fire?

And actually my dog Bessie did some recreational excavating in the back yard, so I got the wheelarrow and carted it to the front yard for some antivehicular landscaping.


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## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 11, 2020)

That's TOO funny!


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## gumbyk (Nov 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> ....or about £7,500!
> 
> View attachment 601492


only $10k?

I could spend that without leaving home...


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## MIflyer (Nov 11, 2020)

Actually locally here there was a kid, about 14, who was fascinated with heavy equipment and went over to a construction site during the off-hours, cranked up a bulldozer and drove it into a nearby evironmentally protected wetlands.

What was worse was that a few weeks later he did the same thing and that time got the dozer so badly stuck that at first they thought they might have to abandon it there to prevent further environmental damage. 

What do you do with a kid like that? I guess suicide bombers are illegal for us to use.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 12, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 12, 2020)



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## Wurger (Nov 12, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Nov 12, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Nov 13, 2020)




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## Airframes (Nov 13, 2020)

A white horse walked into a bar and asked for a pint of bitter.
The barman said " Heck, we've got a whisky named after you !"
Horse replied " What, a whisky named Eric ?".

Same horse walked into another bar. and asked for a pint. Barman said "Why the long face ?"

Same horse, different bar, same request for a pint. Barman said "F**k me, a talking horse !!"

Do I win Really Bad Joke of the Week competition ?
Thought not, so got me coat, hat, and the taxi is waiting .....................

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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 15, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 15, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Nov 15, 2020)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 17, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 17, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Nov 17, 2020)




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## SaparotRob (Nov 17, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 602124


I recommend Acme (r) brand dynamite.

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 17, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Nov 17, 2020)

One of my all-time favourite songs is "Get Over It" by the Eagles..."I'd like to take your inner child and kick its little ass".

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 17, 2020)

Ladies and Gents, we have a winner!

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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 17, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 18, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 18, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Nov 18, 2020)

Toronto Sun

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## Gnomey (Nov 18, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2020)

日本聯合艦隊 / 太平洋戰爭
Japanese Combined Feet at WWII....

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## Wayne Little (Nov 20, 2020)

built a lot of those ships.....


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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Nov 21, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 21, 2020)

Well, it's a good laugh anyways....

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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2020)




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## Wurger (Nov 21, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Nov 21, 2020)

B.C. Ferries introduced their new "Mandatory Mask" sign for passengers. Its not going over too well, https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/bc-ferries-mask-signs-1.5810982

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## Gnomey (Nov 22, 2020)




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## Airframes (Nov 24, 2020)



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## Wurger (Nov 24, 2020)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 24, 2020)

Moose in Jasper National Park licking the salt off of a parked car. PHOTO COURTESY OF SANDI WILLIAMSON via TWITTER.

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## Airframes (Nov 24, 2020)

Rudolph the Red licks rain, dear !

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 24, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2020)




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## SaparotRob (Nov 24, 2020)

vikingBerserker said:


> View attachment 602940


This year still ain’t over.

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 26, 2020)

Wife left a message for our son's girlfriend, who is flying out east to see him this weekend:
"Give him a hug for me, but not too long. We are not a very huggy family, so if it's too long, he'll know its not from me."

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## ThomasP (Nov 27, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Nov 27, 2020)



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## ThomasP (Nov 27, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2020)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 28, 2020)

I prefer this one...

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 28, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Nov 28, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2020)



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## vikingBerserker (Dec 1, 2020)

I so have to remember that line.

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 1, 2020)

Its simple

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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2020)



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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2020)



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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2020)

Having a bad day?

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## Airframes (Dec 1, 2020)

Took me a few seconds to spot it in Post #13,396 - good one. Must be a b*gger to pedal, with all that weight !!


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## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 1, 2020)

MIflyer said:


> View attachment 603516
> View attachment 603517


If us Gun Owners were the problem, you Anti's wouldn't be around to complain about it.

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 1, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 603485


An example of the hierarchy of goods.


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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 1, 2020)

The Prince of Darkness! Adorable!


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## Lucky13 (Dec 2, 2020)



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## at6 (Dec 2, 2020)

I may need to bring up this thread more often. I keep getting six pages behind.


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## Lucky13 (Dec 2, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 2, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 2, 2020)

I'd definitely prefer the lower crew anyhoo! 😉😆😂

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## Wayne Little (Dec 2, 2020)




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## Airframes (Dec 2, 2020)

Post #13,405 - Impossible !!

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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 2, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 603563


I keep fish in an aquarium. The indoor fins boost my good mood.


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## Gnomey (Dec 2, 2020)




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## Greg Boeser (Dec 3, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> The Prince of Darkness! Adorable!


Arrrrghgh!!!! Suckered into viewing a cat video! I think that is a violation of the Geneva Convention!

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## SaparotRob (Dec 3, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> I keep fish in an aquarium. The indoor fins boost my good mood.


And they’re a delightful between meal snack.

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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2020)



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## at6 (Dec 3, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 603651




That and a naked sweety.


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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Dec 3, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 5, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Dec 5, 2020)




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## Snautzer01 (Dec 5, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 603882


Shadow looks like Batman.

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## SaparotRob (Dec 5, 2020)

Chairman Meow

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## buffnut453 (Dec 5, 2020)

Or Catman.

See...I can produce crap jokes too!

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## Gnomey (Dec 5, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Dec 7, 2020)



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## at6 (Dec 8, 2020)

Even if you can no longer "Cut the Mustard", you'll always be able to "Cut the Cheese">

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## Wayne Little (Dec 8, 2020)




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## MIflyer (Dec 8, 2020)

I just received this and thought I would pass it along. Please be considerate when decorating your home!

_I don't mean to be a Grinch, however....to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yard, would you please
avoid anything that has red and blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a
panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down,
and push the gun under the seat all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. 
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding. _

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## Wurger (Dec 8, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 9, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Dec 9, 2020)




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## Wurger (Dec 9, 2020)




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## SaparotRob (Dec 9, 2020)

I’d like to buy a few of those. Just to have one handy when needed.

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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 11, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 11, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 604600


and the screwdrivers are in the silverware tray, and the box-opens are in the top rack ...

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## Gnomey (Dec 11, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 12, 2020)



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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 12, 2020)

*An airline pilot wrote* that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

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## SaparotRob (Dec 12, 2020)

I ask “Naval Aviator?”

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 12, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 604751


Dare you to honk...

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## buffnut453 (Dec 12, 2020)



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## buffnut453 (Dec 12, 2020)

Perhaps using my "Let It Snow" wrapping paper wasn't the best idea for this gift...

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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 12, 2020)



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## SaparotRob (Dec 12, 2020)

buffnut453 said:


> Perhaps using my "Let It Snow" wrapping paper wasn't the best idea for this gift...
> 
> View attachment 604785


It’s what I want for Christmas!

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## at6 (Dec 12, 2020)

A pair of them attached to a sweety.


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## Lucky13 (Dec 12, 2020)




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## at6 (Dec 13, 2020)

at6 said:


> A pair of them attached to a sweety.





Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 604837


No thank you. Prefer ones not attached to relatives.

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## Wayne Little (Dec 13, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 13, 2020)

When a cat end all their 9 lives, in one go!

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## Wurger (Dec 13, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 13, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 13, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 14, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 15, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Dec 15, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 15, 2020)



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## Wurger (Dec 15, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Dec 15, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2020)



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## Airframes (Dec 16, 2020)

Or just D*ckhead !

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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 16, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 605235


They sing because they can!

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## Shortround6 (Dec 16, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> They sing because they can!




ouhhhh!

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## Airframes (Dec 16, 2020)

Coat !

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## Capt. Vick (Dec 17, 2020)



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## michaelmaltby (Dec 17, 2020)

... twisted


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## Wurger (Dec 17, 2020)




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## buffnut453 (Dec 17, 2020)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 605295




This is just as applicable if you change the captions to "My aspiration" and "My reality". 

I'll let you figure out for yourselves which caption goes where.

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 17, 2020)

...and both are getting VERY expensive!


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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 17, 2020)

buffnut453 said:


> This is just as applicable if you change the captions to "My aspiration" and "My reality".
> 
> I'll let you figure out for yourselves which caption goes where.


"My Dreams ... My Achievements..."


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## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 19, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Dec 19, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Dec 19, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 19, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 19, 2020)

One of my esteemed colleagues had this said about him the other week, "what, you're sh🤬tting me, he's a waste of a good pair of safety boots!"

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## at6 (Dec 19, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> One of my esteemed colleagues had this said about him the other week, "what, you're sh🤬tting me, he's a waste of a good pair of safety boots!"


It beats being a "Waste of Skin".


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## Greg Boeser (Dec 19, 2020)

This year I bought an artificial Christmas tree that's so realistic, it dropped all its needles two days after setting it up.

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## Wayne Little (Dec 20, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 20, 2020)

Greg Boeser said:


> This year I bought an artificial Christmas tree that's so realistic, it dropped all its needles two days after setting it up.



Probably needs water.

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## Airframes (Dec 20, 2020)

Yep, artificial water. It's available in powdered form, all you need to do is just add water .............

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## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Dec 22, 2020)



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## Wurger (Dec 22, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 22, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 22, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 605960


Fail
That's a heat-seeking missile (but the reindeer aren't in heat now) or it's a radar-guided missile, and those reindeer are "perfect stealth" (having never been seen on radar or visually for over 100 years).


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## buffnut453 (Dec 22, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> ...those reindeer are "perfect stealth" (having never been seen on radar or visually for over 100 years).



Not true! NORAD's been tracking Santa every Christmas for decades.

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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 22, 2020)

buffnut453 said:


> Not true! NORAD's been tracking Santa every Christmas for decades.


They just say that to fool the Russians into thinking they're actually on the job.

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## buffnut453 (Dec 22, 2020)

TheMadPenguin said:


> They just say that to fool the Russians into thinking they're actually on the job.



It does a pretty good job of fooling the American public, too.


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## SaparotRob (Dec 22, 2020)

And proud of it.


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## Gnomey (Dec 22, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 22, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 22, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Dec 23, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 23, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 24, 2020)



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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2020)




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## vikingBerserker (Dec 24, 2020)




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## syscom3 (Dec 24, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 25, 2020)



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## Wurger (Dec 25, 2020)

True...


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## syscom3 (Dec 25, 2020)

LOL

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## Wurger (Dec 25, 2020)




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## Gnomey (Dec 25, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 27, 2020)



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## Wayne Little (Dec 27, 2020)




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## ThomasP (Dec 27, 2020)



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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 27, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 606468


Some of us weirdos aren't too sure, ourselves!

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## Gnomey (Dec 27, 2020)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 28, 2020)



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## bdefen (Dec 28, 2020)

Airframes said:


> Or just D*ckhead !


Please, he prefers "Richard".

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## Capt. Vick (Dec 28, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 28, 2020)



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## bdefen (Dec 28, 2020)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 606640


Years ago, National Lampoon magazine, in a spoof of a "1937 World's Fair", had an article about the Japanese Pavilion. Among the items on display at that particular venue was a large scale diorama constructed by a young male military student, shown in uniform, smiling next to his stunning piece of work: A replica of Pearl Harbor. This one made me think of it.


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## Gnomey (Dec 28, 2020)




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## SaparotRob (Dec 28, 2020)

bdefen said:


> Years ago, National Lampoon magazine, in a spoof of a "1937 World's Fair", had an article about the Japanese Pavilion. Among the items on display at that particular venue was a large scale diorama constructed by a young male military student, shown in uniform, smiling next to his stunning piece of work: A replica of Pearl Harbor. This one made me think of it.


The caption read “Japanese student zeroes in on Pearl Harbor”.

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## SaparotRob (Dec 28, 2020)

Only it didn’t say “Japanese”.

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## Lucky13 (Dec 29, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 29, 2020)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 29, 2020)



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## bdefen (Dec 29, 2020)

SaparotRob said:


> Only it didn’t say “Japanese”.


Thanks for remembering more of the detail....I'm lucky to have remembered the content, context, or ANY of that National Lampoon spoof, considering the "college fog" I was in at the time.

"Of all the things I've lost in life, sometimes I miss my mind the most."

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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 29, 2020)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 606728


ST:TNG was a holodeck program hosted on Love Boat.


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## SaparotRob (Dec 29, 2020)

o


bdefen said:


> Thanks for remembering more of the detail....I'm lucky to have remembered the content, context, or ANY of that National Lampoon spoof, considering the "college fog" I was in at the time.
> 
> "Of all the things I've lost in life, sometimes I miss my mind the most."


Yup, this is the stuff I remember. Nothing useful or required for work. I guess it was all that independent research on psycho-active substances.

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 29, 2020)

Man, I had such a crush on the #3.

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## SaparotRob (Dec 29, 2020)

“Raise giant marmosets in your bathtub for fun and profit!”
I always liked that one.

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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2020)




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## fubar57 (Dec 30, 2020)



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## Wurger (Dec 30, 2020)




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## Crimea_River (Dec 30, 2020)

fubar57 said:


> View attachment 606756​



Bet there's more than 50 shades of grey.

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## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2020)




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## TheMadPenguin (Dec 31, 2020)



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## at6 (Jan 1, 2021)

I must be getting old and senile. I keep slipping up and yelling Happy Pig Ear.


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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 1, 2021)

at6 said:


> I must be getting old and senile. I keep slipping up and yelling Happy Pig Ear.


365 days of rejoicing wildebeests, since it's "Happy Gnu Year!"

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## Lucky13 (Jan 1, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 1, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 1, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jan 2, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 2, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2021)



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## Capt. Vick (Jan 4, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Jan 4, 2021)

That’s how I’ve been dressing for dinner for years. We don’t get asked out a second time.


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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 4, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 607451


?Scale Modelling?
Why not model the whole fish?


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## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 5, 2021)

Just saying....

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## Lucky13 (Jan 5, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Jan 5, 2021)

I wonder if there is a Polish car between them.........

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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 5, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 607673


"To the West, there is a tyrant with a little moustache; to the East, there is a tyrant with a big moustache. That's all I need to know about politics" from "Defiance" (2008; Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber)

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## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2021)




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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 5, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> I wonder if there is a Polish car between them.........


Not for long.

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 5, 2021)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Not for long.




Ohh yes it will.

Polish people will perhaps fly out to france for tea, or to england to get some bisquites when it is getting hot, visit monte cassino, come over to holland to see some tulips, and visit many other countries and do some jobs.
But in the end there will be a Poland.
For us, the visited, like my hometown.
We do remember them fondly,
yesterday and tomorrow.
We are in debt.
We will not forget.

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## ThomasP (Jan 6, 2021)

When someone says you can't do it -

Do it twice.

(Remember to take pictures.)

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## Lucky13 (Jan 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 6, 2021)



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## Capt. Vick (Jan 6, 2021)

Ceramic Armour

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## Dana Bell (Jan 6, 2021)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 607819
> 
> Ceramic Armour



Delft-ly applied, at that!

Cheers,


Dana

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## Wurger (Jan 6, 2021)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 607819
> 
> Ceramic Armour


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## Snautzer01 (Jan 6, 2021)

Grandma!!! What did you you do to my ride???

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## Gnomey (Jan 6, 2021)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 6, 2021)

Sign of the times:

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## Lucky13 (Jan 7, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 7, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 7, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 7, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 7, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 7, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 7, 2021)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 8, 2021)

*Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. 

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. 

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was."

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes.*

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## Wurger (Jan 8, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 8, 2021)




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## fubar57 (Jan 8, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 8, 2021)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 8, 2021)

Funny but not.

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## ThomasP (Jan 8, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 9, 2021)

Blinker fluid?  Aren't eye drops "blinker fluid"?
Tweeting Overload:  Clearly, we're flocked.

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## Zipper730 (Jan 9, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 608300


I think trolling would disappear if the ability to punch somebody in the face over the web existed. I'm not a person who's fond of beating people up, but I think there are some people sorely in need of it.

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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 9, 2021)

Zipper730 said:


> I think trolling would disappear if the ability to punch somebody in the face over the web existed. I'm not a person who's fond of beating people up, but I think there are some people sorely in need of it.


If killfiles really killed, how many times would I be dead?

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## Gnomey (Jan 9, 2021)




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## Airframes (Jan 10, 2021)

If "Teflon" is non-stick, then how the **** does it stick to frying pans ??

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## Wayne Little (Jan 10, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 12, 2021)

🤨🤔

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## Airframes (Jan 13, 2021)

What's an "occasional table", when it's not being a table ?!!

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 13, 2021)

A plant stand?

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## Shortround6 (Jan 13, 2021)

Airframes said:


> What's an "occasional table", when it's not being a table ?!!



A nearly full time air borne particle retrieval device, AKA dust collector.

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## bdefen (Jan 13, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> Just saying....
> 
> View attachment 607672


Or splinters.......

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## at6 (Jan 13, 2021)

bdefen said:


> Or splinters.......


Or how to use Catalogues.


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## bdefen (Jan 14, 2021)

at6 said:


> Or how to use Catalogues.


For reading and that FRESH feeling........

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## Gnomey (Jan 14, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 14, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Jan 14, 2021)

"For the discriminating collector".

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 15, 2021)

Yikes!


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## Crimea_River (Jan 15, 2021)

Hope that command module has an upgraded heat shield.

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## SaparotRob (Jan 15, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> "For the discriminating collector".
> 
> 
> View attachment 608957


I thought your post was yet another intrusive ad. Didn’t even look at it until Crimea’s post. Da’ heck does a head (sic) shield have to do with a dog?


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## fubar57 (Jan 15, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jan 15, 2021)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 15, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> I thought your post was yet another intrusive ad. Didn’t even look at it until Crimea’s post. Da’ heck does a head (sic) shield have to do with a dog?



Fixed. Damn cell phone....How about this one:

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

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## Gnomey (Jan 15, 2021)




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## v2 (Jan 16, 2021)

...

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## Wurger (Jan 16, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jan 16, 2021)




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## bdefen (Jan 16, 2021)

One of my favorites:

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## Lucky13 (Jan 17, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 17, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jan 17, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jan 17, 2021)

Ah, that old retirement stash . . . brings tears to my eyes.

(not tears of sadness, but my eyes are straining so hard trying to read the model types . . .)

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## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 18, 2021)



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## bdefen (Jan 18, 2021)

Okay, here's another Far Side cartoon:

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## Dash119 (Jan 18, 2021)

Several of my favorite Far Side cartoons by Gary Larson;

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## fubar57 (Jan 18, 2021)

Probably already posted but I ain't gonna look

“24 Rules of Combat”
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re ready for them.
b. When you’re not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it… and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t EVER volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 18, 2021)

fubar57 said:


> Probably already posted but I ain't gonna look
> 
> “24 Rules of Combat”
> 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
> ...


25. Never question the reason for the battle/war you're in: The good reason you're given isn't real, the real reason isn't good.

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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2021)




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## special ed (Jan 18, 2021)

In 1960 when USAFA cadets were visiting an Air Defense Command base and being briefed on heat seeking missiles, a cadet asked what the defense was. The response was " Tell your wingman to go full afterburner and you go to idle cutoff".

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## Wayne Little (Jan 19, 2021)




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## fubar57 (Jan 19, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 19, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 19, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 19, 2021)




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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2021)



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## Glider (Jan 20, 2021)

Getting the most out of an aircraft

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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2021)




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## Crimea_River (Jan 20, 2021)



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## fubar57 (Jan 20, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 20, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 20, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 20, 2021)



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## Wayne Little (Jan 21, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 21, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 21, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 609688


I don't remember much from 39 years ago....


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## Gnomey (Jan 21, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jan 22, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 22, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 22, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 22, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 609759


1: The Tokyo Firebombing Raids would be a distant memory of a feeble echo of the clothing of the Liars of the world catching fire.
2: The smell would be horrible.
3: Butt Reconstruction Surgeries would outnumber boob jobs and braces.
4: Asbestos panties and boxers would become all the rage.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 22, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 22, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 22, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 609802


NO MORE BEANS FOR YOU, MISTER!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 22, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2021)




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## Wurger (Jan 22, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Jan 22, 2021)




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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 22, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 609819


Adore gunner on a photochopper.


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## Greg Boeser (Jan 22, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 609802


Yeah, Bernie. My sentiments exactly.

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## Wayne Little (Jan 23, 2021)




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## syscom3 (Jan 23, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Jan 23, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 23, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jan 24, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jan 24, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 24, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Jan 24, 2021)

X

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## syscom3 (Jan 24, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Jan 24, 2021)

... then there is the 'real' Bernie ....

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## SaparotRob (Jan 24, 2021)

Or maybe he’s thinking “what’s that guy pointing at me?”.


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## Lucky13 (Jan 24, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Jan 24, 2021)

What's the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear while the other is a bluddy good year.


I'll show myself out.

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## syscom3 (Jan 24, 2021)

Lol

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## Lucky13 (Jan 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 24, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 25, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 25, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jan 25, 2021)




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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 25, 2021)

For all who think in English!
CLEARLY, you must compute a non-integer factorial, yes?

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## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 25, 2021)



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## Capt. Vick (Jan 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 26, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 26, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 610262


3 words or less: Stay-at-home lockdown? EXCELLENT!
3 word horror: I'm outta glue!

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## ARTESH (Jan 26, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 609226



How much do they cost? just curious!!!


Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 609682



worst of them are Iranian ones!!! believe me.

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## Wurger (Jan 26, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jan 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jan 26, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 27, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 27, 2021)




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## bdefen (Jan 27, 2021)

TheMadPenguin said:


> View attachment 610171
> 
> For all who think in English!
> CLEARLY, you must compute a non-integer factorial, yes?


An alternative sign might read "BUMP HEAD HERE!"....saw it on a low stairwell ceiling.

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## Gnomey (Jan 28, 2021)

Small problems...

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## bdefen (Jan 28, 2021)

Gnomey said:


> Small problems...
> View attachment 610535
> 
> View attachment 610536


In addition they'd behold a further miracle - that baby is growing inside what appears to be a MALE human being.........just sayin'.

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## TheMadPenguin (Jan 28, 2021)

bdefen said:


> In addition they'd behold a further miracle - that baby is growing inside what appears to be a MALE human being.........just sayin'.


Naw, that's just TransMan.

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## bdefen (Jan 29, 2021)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Naw, that's just TransMan.


Probably wants to sign up for a women's athletic team.

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## Lucky13 (Jan 30, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jan 30, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 30, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jan 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 30, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2021)



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## bdefen (Jan 31, 2021)

Gnomey said:


> View attachment 610840


Nice bones!!

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## Wurger (Jan 31, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 31, 2021)



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## Wayne Little (Feb 1, 2021)




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## Wurger (Feb 1, 2021)




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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 1, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 610857


My son the chef couldn't stop laughing.
So this is Sven of nine?

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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2021)




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## at6 (Feb 5, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> What's the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms?
> 
> One's a Goodyear while the other is a bluddy good year.
> 
> ...


Some times they leak.


----------



## at6 (Feb 5, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 610093


It just so happens that I do know who they are. Damn I miss them.


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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 5, 2021)

at6 said:


> Some times they leak.


The difference is 'Heir' vs 'air'.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 5, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 5, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Feb 5, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 5, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 7, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 7, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 7, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 611825



That should read "Prepaid, PostPaid, and out of stock".

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 7, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 7, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 7, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 611825


Reminds me of the joke:
How do you tell the difference between a hooker, a whore and a housewife.
The hooker says: Are you done yet?
The whore says: What, done already?
The housewife says: When are you going to paint that ceiling?

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## Gnomey (Feb 8, 2021)




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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 8, 2021)

The following is NOT FUNNY!

But I couldn't help myself: 

Some down-to-earth mishaps in airdrops.

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## Airframes (Feb 8, 2021)

Ouch ! That last one looked painful !!!
The "runaway" tractor was hilarious, if potentially dangerous.
Seen a few air-dropped pallets go wrong, even though Britain uses "air bags" under the pallet bed, and shock struts on the load, some have still bounced, or been dragged over by the large parachute canopies.
Hours to load and rig the pallet - seconds to trash it !!


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## Lucky13 (Feb 8, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 8, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 612000


FDR not available. 
CVR not available.
Witness statements record hymns being sung.
Severe yaw, or Ground Loop, resulting in departure from controlled operation, for causes unknown.

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## Wayne Little (Feb 9, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Feb 9, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 612000


Blown hoof i tell yah..

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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 9, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Blown hoof i tell yah..


More likely dropped a brake shoe...

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 9, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Feb 9, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 9, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 11, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 13, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Feb 13, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Feb 13, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Feb 14, 2021)



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## at6 (Feb 14, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 612555


Oh if only I could have been the fudge bar.


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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 15, 2021)

at6 said:


> Oh if only I could have been the fudge bar.


**CHOMP*!*

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 15, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 15, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 15, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Feb 15, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 16, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 16, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 16, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Feb 16, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 16, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> View attachment 612873


A chameleon, discovered to be unable to change color, is diagnosed with a reptile dysfunction.
Phlebotomists-in-training advised of depression being an occupational hazard, since all their best work will be in vein.

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## Airframes (Feb 16, 2021)

Coat !

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## Crimea_River (Feb 16, 2021)

Door!


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## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 17, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 17, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 17, 2021)

That is SO true!


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## Greg Boeser (Feb 17, 2021)

Not nearly enough rivets.


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## Lucky13 (Feb 17, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 17, 2021)



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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 17, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 612972


So they become a model couple!

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## XBe02Drvr (Feb 18, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 612973


"Guilty as charged, Your Honor."

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## Wayne Little (Feb 18, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Feb 18, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 18, 2021)

I heard that Wayne moved his stash recently....😉😆😂

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## Airframes (Feb 18, 2021)

That's just the first half !!!

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## Gnomey (Feb 18, 2021)




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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 18, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 612805


Huh?


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 18, 2021)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Huh?



It is a requirement to click the tongs before grilling, and every minute thereafter.

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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 18, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> It is a requirement to click the tongs before grilling, and every minute thereafter.


Heh ... when I'M running the grill, people are checking their fire insurance, anti-acids, and local Chinese take-outs. They don't look as excited as those two kids.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 18, 2021)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Heh ... when I'M running the grill, people are checking their fire insurance, anti-acids, and local Chinese take-outs. They don't look as excited as those two kids.



That’s because you don’t make grilling sexy...

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## TheMadPenguin (Feb 18, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> That’s because you don’t make grilling sexy...


Sexy? I'm round in the middle and short on both ends.... how does one make THAT look SEXY?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 18, 2021)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Sexy? I'm round in the middle and short on both ends.... how does one make THAT look SEXY?


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## Shortround6 (Feb 18, 2021)

Have you tried a man bun?

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## at6 (Feb 18, 2021)

Might be better to keep the buns covered.

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## michaelmaltby (Feb 19, 2021)

*The Existential question ...*

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 19, 2021)

TheMadPenguin said:


> Sexy? I'm round in the middle and short on both ends.... how does one make THAT look SEXY?



That's why you click the tongs!


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## Gnomey (Feb 19, 2021)




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## javlin (Feb 19, 2021)

Not a Funny and not sure how much it's been around but moving "The Boy on Omaha Beach"

The Boy on the Beach - Omaha Beach 2014 - PineArts

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## XBe02Drvr (Feb 19, 2021)

javlin said:


> Not a Funny and not sure how much it's been around but moving "The Boy on Omaha Beach"
> 
> The Boy on the Beach - Omaha Beach 2014 - PineArts


No dry eyes here. If you're not a vet, or family of a vet, you won't understand.

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## at6 (Feb 19, 2021)

javlin said:


> Not a Funny and not sure how much it's been around but moving "The Boy on Omaha Beach"
> 
> The Boy on the Beach - Omaha Beach 2014 - PineArts


What a moving tribute. I still get a lump in my throat where Taps is played. It takes me back to my father's funeral. I have the flag from his casket and sometimes I hold it and remember him.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 20, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2021)




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## XBe02Drvr (Feb 21, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 613372


Then form a "Mutual Hate and Defamation Society". In lieu of a recruitment and membership committee, you could have a press gang.

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## ARTESH (Feb 21, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 613372



But I have!

What do we do now?

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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 21, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 21, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Feb 21, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 613495



I thought that was Houston Zoo.

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## Gnomey (Feb 21, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2021)

I have no idea, who or what the person above the '109 is....

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## Wurger (Feb 21, 2021)

This is the one who thinks to be a pilot when sniffing.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 22, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 22, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Feb 23, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2021)

For some of you, shut the f🤬ck up! 😝😉😆😂

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## Glider (Feb 24, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Feb 24, 2021)

Glider said:


> View attachment 613806


Its like Janis said,
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? 
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 24, 2021)

Now thats the kind of Porsche I like!

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## Wurger (Feb 24, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 24, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Feb 25, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 25, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 25, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 25, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 26, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 26, 2021)



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## special ed (Feb 26, 2021)

I just received this from a fellow control line model club member.

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## Gnomey (Feb 26, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 27, 2021)

....or any inaccuracies in ANY war movie! 😉😆😂

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## Wurger (Feb 27, 2021)




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## GTX (Feb 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Feb 27, 2021)




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## special ed (Feb 27, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2021)




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## Wurger (Feb 27, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Feb 28, 2021)

Buy a Shotgun

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 28, 2021)

While no postings in here have personally offended me, let’s remember the politics rule here. If it’s any remotely close to political please do not post it. Some people are incapable of laughing at things that may or may not go against their beliefs.

Thank you.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 28, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Feb 28, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> While no postings in here have personally offended me, let’s remember the politics rule here. If it’s any remotely close to political please do not post it. Some people are incapable of laughing at things that may or may not go against their beliefs.
> 
> Thank you.


And that is a very sad testimony on the times we are living in today

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 28, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> And that is a very sad testimony on the times we are living in today



I agree completely. There used to be a time we could have differences and still be friends. There used to be a time, our fellow man and neighbor was important. There used to be a time we could laugh.

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## Gnomey (Feb 28, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 1, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Mar 1, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> And that is a very sad testimony on the times we are living in today



AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?????

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## ARTESH (Mar 1, 2021)

My first date!!!

First time i ever dated a girl, we went to a caffee shop... she asked: do you like Al Paccino? 

I answered: No, I am a tea fan!!!

You can guess rest!

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 1, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 1, 2021)



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## Crimea_River (Mar 1, 2021)

*John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully,
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.*
*"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..*
*With his last breath John said, "I do!"*

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## Wurger (Mar 1, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2021)




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## at6 (Mar 1, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> While no postings in here have personally offended me, let’s remember the politics rule here. If it’s any remotely close to political please do not post it. Some people are incapable of laughing at things that may or may not go against their beliefs.
> 
> Thank you.





Greg Boeser said:


> And that is a very sad testimony on the times we are living in today



Send them over to me. I have plenty of cacti for their butts which will be preceded by insertion of freshly sliced Jalapeno pepper, seeds and all.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 1, 2021)

In the end it leads to negative behavior, and I have been guilty of that too from time to time.


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## SaparotRob (Mar 1, 2021)

at6 said:


> Send them over to me. I have plenty of cacti for their butts which will be preceded by insertion of freshly sliced Jalapeno pepper, seeds and all.


Wrong forum.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 2, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 2, 2021)



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## Airframes (Mar 2, 2021)

First one is true though ......

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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> Wrong forum.


Wrong part of the internet, there’s a special web for that sort of thing...

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## Lucky13 (Mar 2, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 2, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Mar 2, 2021)

Airframes said:


> First one is true though ......


Story of my life. 
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh**.

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 3, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 3, 2021)




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## Leonidas (Mar 4, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> Where To Live After Retirement
> 
> As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to?
> Here are some tips.
> ...


What about Idaho?

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## at6 (Mar 4, 2021)

Leonidas said:


> What about Idaho?


You have to be a potato to live there.

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## Leonidas (Mar 5, 2021)

Becca said:


> THAT was funny...OK...here ya GO!
> 
> ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES
> 
> ...


oof

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## Lucky13 (Mar 5, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 6, 2021)




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## GTX (Mar 6, 2021)

Reminds me of this:

*How to give a cat a pill:*

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little @[email protected]#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

*How to give a dog a pill:*
Wrap it in cheese.

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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2021)



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## Wurger (Mar 6, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 6, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Mar 7, 2021)

As electoral system is overhauled, is Hong Kong reaping what it sowed?

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## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Mar 8, 2021)

Economy is for DONKEYs!

( if you didnt understand anything, just search "اقتصاد مال خر است")

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 8, 2021)

Toilet dispute leaves flight attendant with broken arm and pilot with missing tooth

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## ARTESH (Mar 8, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 615077


Now i can understand why she asked me about kitty!

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## Lucky13 (Mar 9, 2021)

Some may get this....😉😆😂

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## Crimea_River (Mar 9, 2021)

Others, including me, won't.

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 10, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Mar 10, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> Some may get this....😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 615569



я получаю только это!

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## michaelmaltby (Mar 10, 2021)

[HT Small Dead Animals]

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## Lucky13 (Mar 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 10, 2021)

Baussac almost sounds like our slang "bawsack". Top definition, bawsack. male skin bag below meat sausage, holds balls, adapted from scottish slang....

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## Lucky13 (Mar 10, 2021)

Well, aye....

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## Wayne Little (Mar 11, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Mar 11, 2021)

1: Do you know how to cook rice?
2: no, i dont!
1: O.k., add 3 cups of water and 1 cup of rice and let it boil!
2: "Sends photo"!!!
2: next?
1: next? Go fu!! Yourself!

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## Gnomey (Mar 11, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Mar 11, 2021)

With the price you pay for nuts for Nowruz, you could marry Bahar, a few years earlier!!! 

P.s.: Bahar, lit. Spring, is a name for girls!

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## Prop Duster (Mar 11, 2021)



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## at6 (Mar 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 615061


GET HIM SOME PANTS PLEEEEEEEZE! No Moose Knuckles!!!!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 12, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 12, 2021)

In most public schools they would have called the cops. Oh, wait. Never mind.
Expelled for violating zero tolerance anti-violence policy.

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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 12, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 13, 2021)



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## Wurger (Mar 13, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 13, 2021)

Looks about right, what do you say Terry?

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## Lucky13 (Mar 13, 2021)

Any truth in this? 🤨🤔

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## Snautzer01 (Mar 13, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> Looks about right, what do you say Terry?
> 
> View attachment 615950


No that is about right i think

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## Gnomey (Mar 13, 2021)




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## Airframes (Mar 13, 2021)

Works for me too.

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## Wayne Little (Mar 15, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 15, 2021)



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## Wurger (Mar 15, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Mar 15, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 616150


Afterburner in 1....

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## cammerjeff (Mar 15, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Afterburner in 1....


For them it would be Reheat in 1.....


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## michaelmaltby (Mar 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 15, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2021)



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## XBe02Drvr (Mar 15, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 616150


My first F4 ride started very much like this, except the unwary "unsuspecting victim" was a deuce-and-half truck. When I got my vision back we were in an 80° climb at somewhere around 300 knots and the recording G meter had peaked at 4. (Clean airframe, no tanks, ordnance, pods, or pylons, just a single Sidewinder rail lugging an air combat range transponder, essentially a Sidewinder body minus warhead, motor, and fins, with an IR seeker and guidance system, inertial sensors and a range transponder. About as low a drag index and TOGW as you can get.)

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## SaparotRob (Mar 16, 2021)

I love aviation gobbledygook.

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## Lucky13 (Mar 16, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 16, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Mar 16, 2021)



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## Capt. Vick (Mar 16, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Mar 17, 2021)

My kind of physician

ORIGINAL FOTO POSTKARTE BIER IST GUT SAGT DER ARZT BIERWERBE GmbH BONN 428 | eBay

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## Gnomey (Mar 17, 2021)

Jan?

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## Capt. Vick (Mar 17, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 17, 2021)

Gnomey said:


> Jan?
> 
> View attachment 616417


Yeah, that bottle of booze had nothing to do with it!

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## Lucky13 (Mar 18, 2021)



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## Андрей (Mar 18, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 615061



This is the current president of Ukraine.

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## Андрей (Mar 18, 2021)



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## fubar57 (Mar 18, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 18, 2021)




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## at6 (Mar 19, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Mar 19, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 19, 2021)

Ok, lets stop getting political.

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## ARTESH (Mar 19, 2021)

Let's talk about languages, shall we?

.
.
.

English people: Persian letters are so similar!

English letters be like:

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## Airframes (Mar 19, 2021)

???

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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 19, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Mar 19, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 616714



What's one of those?

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## Airframes (Mar 19, 2021)

My bank account doesn't have a comma in it, but I think it has a coma - it hasn't stirred for ages !!

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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2021)




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## cherry blossom (Mar 19, 2021)

Found on the BBC website as a comment on side effects from Covid-19 vaccination:

Someone I know had their 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalised.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination centre immediately and pick up his glasses.

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## Greg Boeser (Mar 19, 2021)

So, short term memory loss is a side effect?

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## SaparotRob (Mar 19, 2021)

Side effect of what?

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## at6 (Mar 20, 2021)

Remember what?

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## Wurger (Mar 20, 2021)

What what?

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## SaparotRob (Mar 20, 2021)

I remember the Alamo.

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## buffnut453 (Mar 20, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> I remember the Alamo.



I rented a car from them once.

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## Airframes (Mar 20, 2021)

I got confused trying to hire a car once - I thought Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch artist ............. yeah, I've got me coat !!

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## XBe02Drvr (Mar 20, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> I remember the Alamo.


Jees, you're old! What's your secret to long life?? Is it genetics, clean living, or what ales you?

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## Gnomey (Mar 20, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Mar 20, 2021)

XBe02Drvr said:


> Jees, you're old! What's your secret to long life?? Is it genetics, clean living, or what ales you?


Marriage. 
Life becomes an eternity.

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## Андрей (Mar 21, 2021)

You saw this photo already, it is incumbent president of Ukraine Zelenski. It is a joke. And so the office of president of Ukraine looks now. It is a not joke already, but looks funnily.

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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 21, 2021)



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## Wurger (Mar 21, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 21, 2021)

No more Political posts. I don’t care if they are about democrats, republicans, or your damn cat.

Thread re-opened. The next person to ignore the forum’s no politics rule will not get the thread closed for everyone, but will find themselves not posting anymore.

Please just abide by the rules. I honestly do not want to have to go down that road.

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## rochie (Mar 22, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> View attachment 615772
> 
> 
> 1: Do you know how to cook rice?
> ...


Unfortunately i have employed chef's that stupid !
i told one guy to take the green beans out of the boxes and put them in the steamer trays ready for cooking, i got this !

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## Wurger (Mar 22, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 22, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Mar 22, 2021)

A little girl comes home from school one day and says to her parents, "They told us today that we are getting three Brazilian exchange students in our class."

Her Mom replied, "Gee! That sounds like it'll be fun!" Her Dad added, "Hey! That sounds like it will be interesting!"

The little girl looked aghast. "Fun? Interesting? You don't understand! We have no place to put them! Do you realize how large a number Three Brazilian is?"

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## Greg Boeser (Mar 22, 2021)

rochie said:


> Unfortunately i have employed chef's that stupid !
> i told one guy to take the green beans out of the boxes and put them in the steamer trays ready for cooking, i got this !
> View attachment 616884


This is why frozen pizza instructions are very specific about removing the plastic before placing pizza in oven.

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## Gnomey (Mar 22, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Mar 22, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> This is why frozen pizza instructions are very specific about removing the plastic before placing pizza in oven.



Unfortunately there was one time where I removed the plastic but had no idea that a piece of cardboard was stuck to the bottom. Now, I look for that.

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## ARTESH (Mar 22, 2021)

Well, nothing political, but are'nt these 2 person similar?





First one is General W. W. Jaruzelski (photo from Wikipedia), former President of Poland abd 2nd one is Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi!

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## Snautzer01 (Mar 22, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> This is why frozen pizza instructions are very specific about removing the plastic before placing pizza in oven.


Now you tell me.

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## MIflyer (Mar 22, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Now you tell me.



The instructions are different for those pizzas that include plastic as a topping.

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## MIflyer (Mar 22, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Well, nothing political, but are'nt these 2 person similar?



Did the Shah buy Polish military surplus glasses or did the Poles buy Iranian military surplus glasses?

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## ARTESH (Mar 23, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> Did the Shah buy Polish military surplus glasses or did the Poles buy Iranian military surplus glasses?



Who was first? That's the Question!

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## yosimitesam (Mar 23, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> This is why frozen pizza instructions are very specific about removing the plastic before placing pizza in oven.



I shudder to think, sometimes, that the insidious warning labels that admonish humanity everywhere are a testament of something profound. Is it really just the 'liability' issues due to nebulous lawsuits about everything, or might some of us really _need_ these? The former is more reassuring, in a way.

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## WARSPITER (Mar 23, 2021)

Actually seen on safety instructions for a router - "Do not use as a dentist drill"

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## MIflyer (Mar 23, 2021)

I thought it was ridiculous that those sun shades you put in the windshield of your car are sometimes marked, "Do Not Attempt To Drive With Sunshade In Place."

And then I encountered a woman who was doing just that.

I also thought it hilarious that you would open a box containing a new .45 automatic and it would have a note, "This Thing Can Kill You!" The warning note in a box for a Marlin 30-30 lever action was almost as stern.

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## MIflyer (Mar 23, 2021)

WARSPITER said:


> Actually seen on safety instructions for a router - "Do not use as a dentist drill"



Funny that Dremal tools have no such warning......

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## Airframes (Mar 23, 2021)

A few years ago, HM Queen Elisabeth II visited the town where I now live.
She caused quite a stir, particularly among conservationists and animal rights activists, as she was wearing a hat made from fox fur. 
Later, during the Civic luncheon, the Mayor, being aware of the "problem", asked Her Majesty about the hat she was wearing.
The Queen replied "Oh, it was Phillip's idea. He asked me where I was going today, and I told him, Macclesfield. He said 'Wear the fox hat' ".

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## Snautzer01 (Mar 23, 2021)

yosimitesam said:


> I shudder to think, sometimes, that the insidious warning labels that admonish humanity everywhere are a testament of something profound. Is it really just the 'liability' issues due to nebulous lawsuits about everything, or might some of us really _need_ these? The former is more reassuring, in a way.
> 
> View attachment 617006

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## SaparotRob (Mar 23, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> Funny that Dremal tools have no such warning......


And you save a bundle on dental fees.

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## WARSPITER (Mar 23, 2021)

I can see a good accessory there - Wake up late ? No problem - try Dremal really fast floss.

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## MIflyer (Mar 23, 2021)

They do make a battery powered Dremal designed especially for cleaning your balls.

I think it has something to do with golf.

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## Bucksnort101 (Mar 23, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> They do make a battery powered Dremal designed especially for cleaning your balls.
> 
> I think it has something to do with golf.



Did you mean to say "I HOPE it has something to do with golf"?

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## MIflyer (Mar 23, 2021)

I have one of the Dremal critters. Do you want me to send it over? It uses a rotary wire brush.

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## Андрей (Mar 23, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 23, 2021)




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## Андрей (Mar 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 24, 2021)

Wayne getting another delivery? 😉😆😂

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## Wurger (Mar 24, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 24, 2021)

He's clogging the canal!!!!

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## gumbyk (Mar 24, 2021)

Someone's wife saw the order, and even the ship's captain tried to back out of it!

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## Graeme (Mar 24, 2021)

From 1958...

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## buffnut453 (Mar 24, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> He's clogging the canal!!!!



I hate it when that happens.

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## Gnomey (Mar 24, 2021)




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## at6 (Mar 25, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> Wayne getting another delivery? 😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 617133


We're gonna need a bigger plunger.

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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2021)

You know that you live in a tough area, when they....

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## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> Wayne getting another delivery? 😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 617133



Hey, I resemble that remark.....

.....friggin smarta$$

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## Crimea_River (Mar 25, 2021)

Talk about pot and kettle......

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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 25, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Mar 25, 2021)

Did they ever figure out who that ship belongs to?


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 25, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> Did they ever figure out who that ship belongs to?



Shoei Kisen Kaisha, Ltd.

A Japanese shipping company.


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## SaparotRob (Mar 25, 2021)

Ya’ know, that was gonna be my original comment seeing as how EVERGREEN is plastered all over it. “But no”, I thought. “Someone might take me seriously.” Ridiculous but I’ll go with the billboard joke just to be safe.


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## SaparotRob (Mar 25, 2021)

I worked for a manufacturer that imported components from Asia. I was a production planner. We used that Japanese shipping company. When parts were late I told the boss that they were on the “Everventually”.

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 26, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2021)

Quite the cockup...


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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2021)

Me V Seagulls....5-0!

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## Wurger (Mar 27, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 27, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2021)




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## Capt. Vick (Mar 27, 2021)

I was just gonna post that! LOL


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## Lucky13 (Mar 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 28, 2021)

Egypt has delt with the problem....

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## special ed (Mar 28, 2021)

How much toilet paper do we buy if the ship stays stuck? My wife wants to know.

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## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 28, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Mar 28, 2021)

Is this 2021’s first meme?


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## Lucky13 (Mar 29, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 29, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 29, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 29, 2021)




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## at6 (Mar 30, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 617683


Pleeeeeeeez. Let the hounds out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## cherry blossom (Mar 30, 2021)

A while back, a thief broke into the Louvre and made off with a bunch of priceless paintings. Police were stumped until they found the thief with his truck, stalled by the side of the road. When they asked him how one who could pull off such a brilliant heist but then make such a simple error he replied:

"I did not have Monet to buy DeGas to make the Van Gogh."

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## Wurger (Mar 30, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Mar 30, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2021)




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## at6 (Mar 30, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 617683


Don't they write songs about those?


----------



## Lucky13 (Mar 30, 2021)



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## special ed (Mar 30, 2021)

Sounds like the old, old joke about the drunk at the beach when the the sweet young thing running to to the water has a bikini top failure and the drunk says, "Hey lady. if you're going to drown those puppies, can I have the one with the pink nose?"

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## Airframes (Mar 30, 2021)

There's certainly at least one album, "Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits".
Think about it .........................

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## Lucky13 (Mar 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 30, 2021)

Wrong thread! 😆😂

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## yosimitesam (Mar 30, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 616290



Back in my IBM mainframe programming days, I saw a car (obviously owned by a programmer), that had the personalized plate: S0C7 . Probably very few people here will get that one, but I laughed like hell. Any old card wallopers on here?

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## eagledad (Mar 30, 2021)

I believe that you have non-numeric data (input) in a numeric field.

Eagledad


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## Lucky13 (Mar 31, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Mar 31, 2021)

yosimitesam said:


> Back in my IBM mainframe programming days, I saw a car (obviously owned by a programmer), that had the personalized plate: S0C7 . Probably very few people here will get that one, but I laughed like hell. Any old card wallopers on here?



It should be some kind of errors? or something like that? I think a critical one!


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## ARTESH (Mar 31, 2021)

Two Afghan guys Talking to each other would be like!!!

It is a tradition to name boys after the day they were born! like name someone Sunday or Saturday (or Equivalent in other Languages) in Europa!



> مکالمه دو افغانی در تاجیکستان:
> 
> شنبه : چهارشنبه! سه شنبه میای بریم دوشنبه ؟
> 
> ...

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## Lucky13 (Mar 31, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 31, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 31, 2021)



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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Mar 31, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 617909


The worse they are, the more I like’em!

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## at6 (Mar 31, 2021)

I like reealy bad ones too. I chose not to become a chicken farmer because I would have to learn fowl language.

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 31, 2021)

yosimitesam said:


> Back in my IBM mainframe programming days, I saw a car (obviously owned by a programmer), that had the personalized plate: S0C7 . Probably very few people here will get that one, but I laughed like hell. Any old card wallopers on here?



Be honest, you owned a Commodore 64 too,didn't you.

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## SaparotRob (Mar 31, 2021)

at6 said:


> I like reaaly bad ones too. I chose not to become a chicken farmer because I would to learn fowl language.


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## Leonidas (Mar 31, 2021)

Gnomey said:


> Small problems...
> View attachment 610535
> 
> View attachment 610536


First of all, that's a dude so pretty big problem there. 2nd: Why the fuck are abortions a thing? In my opinion it is a legalized genocide of the next generation. Just why.

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## Leonidas (Mar 31, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 609683


I love books. And while I guess I am still young I read books alot. I am sad for those who think reading books is to hard and/or bad.

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## Leonidas (Mar 31, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 609591


why?


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## buffnut453 (Mar 31, 2021)

A tense moment at St.Paul's. If the Bishop moves forward, the Queen can take him!!!

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## Leonidas (Mar 31, 2021)

at6 said:


> I may need to bring up this thread more often. I keep getting six pages behind.


Im 600 pages behind

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## ARTESH (Mar 31, 2021)

Leonidas said:


> Im 600 pages behind


I sometimes go to random pages!

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## yosimitesam (Apr 1, 2021)

eagledad said:


> I believe that you have non-numeric data (input) in a numeric field.
> 
> Eagledad


Yep. "System Abend 0C7" "Data Exception". In the vernacular of the day: 'a sock-seven.' Usually a COBOL packed-decimal field hasn't been initialized with 'ZAP' and probably had a 'MOVE LOW-VALUES TO <some 01 level data>' done to it. The most common abend by a huge margin, especially with COBOL programmers. By the way, the car that the guy with the plate was driving was a real 'clunker', too, which added to the humor of the scene.


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## yosimitesam (Apr 1, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> It should be some kind of errors? or something like that? I think a critical one!


Yes it's an IBM operating system error for a program that attempts to perform decimal arithmetic on non-numeric data. 'System Abend 0C7', where 'abend' stands for 'abnormal end'. The program dies and if it is a 'live' program running as 'production', the poor programmer gets awakened in the night to drive in and fix it. There was no internet then.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 1, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> A tense moment at St.Paul's. If the Bishop moves forward, the Queen can take him!!!
> 
> View attachment 617957



I’m stealing this, and your text as well...

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## yosimitesam (Apr 1, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> Be honest, you owned a Commodore 64 too,didn't you.


Honestly, I didn't. When they became popular I was an MVS systems programmer for a retail company and wrote a lot of code for the mainframe. By the time I got home from work, all I wanted to do was to veg-out in front of the TV. Sometimes I drank. But I definitely didn't want to write any more code. My first interest outside my work field was with Unix. After AT&T 'released' the Unix O/S for public use, I started playing with a clone SCO/XENIX. Then, the IBM/PC became popular and Linux came along soon thereafter. Am I still allowed to call myself a 'nerd', even though I never owned a Commodore 64? Have I been living a lie?

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## ARTESH (Apr 1, 2021)

My ideal girl would be like!

Me: Sh!t! I`ve paused game, but forgot to save!
Her: No worries, I`ve saved it!

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## ARTESH (Apr 1, 2021)

yosimitesam said:


> Yes it's an IBM operating system error for a program that attempts to perform decimal arithmetic on non-numeric data. 'System Abend 0C7', where 'abend' stands for 'abnormal end'. The program dies and if it is a 'live' program running as 'production', the poor programmer gets awakened in the night to drive in and fix it. There was no internet then.



Wow my gosh!!! That`s about "DOS" era! am I right? 

I think Dial up was introduced with win `95 !!!

I just recently started to Make maps and mods for different games!

Very hard, but interesting!


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## special ed (Apr 1, 2021)

An elderly man in Florida owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so the fixed it with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while. He brought a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard laughing and shouting. Coming closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made them aware of his presence and they went to the deep end. One of them shouted, "We are not coming out until you leave". The old man said," I didn't come here to watch you swim or make you get out naked". Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Some old guys still got it.

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## ARTESH (Apr 1, 2021)

Relatives and my Life!!!






(no idea about rest of world, but it`s true in Iran!!!)

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## SaparotRob (Apr 1, 2021)

Must be universal.

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## Lucky13 (Apr 1, 2021)



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## Airframes (Apr 1, 2021)

April 1st I see .............................


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## special ed (Apr 1, 2021)

View attachment 618071
View attachment 618071
View attachment 618071
View attachment 618071


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## Gnomey (Apr 1, 2021)

Leonidas said:


> First of all, that's a dude so pretty big problem there. 2nd: Why the fuck are abortions a thing? In my opinion it is a legalized genocide of the next generation. Just why.



1) That’s the point...

2) This is not the place to discuss it but if you were a woman you would probably see it a little differently... Besides there’s lots of medical indications where it’s appropriate which I won’t go into here.


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## Leonidas (Apr 1, 2021)

Gnomey said:


> 1) That’s the point...
> 
> 2) This is not the place to discuss it but if you were a woman you would probably see it a little differently... Besides there’s lots of medical indications where it’s appropriate which I won’t go into here.


Ok, sorry.


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## Glider (Apr 1, 2021)

Airframes said:


> April 1st I see .............................



It is my wedding anniversary

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## Lucky13 (Apr 2, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 2, 2021)




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## syscom3 (Apr 2, 2021)

LOL

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## Wurger (Apr 2, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 2, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 2, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Apr 2, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 2, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 2, 2021)



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## Ralph Haus (Apr 2, 2021)

yosimitesam said:


> Honestly, I didn't. When they became popular I was an MVS systems programmer for a retail company and wrote a lot of code for the mainframe. By the time I got home from work, all I wanted to do was to veg-out in front of the TV. Sometimes I drank. But I definitely didn't want to write any more code. My first interest outside my work field was with Unix. After AT&T 'released' the Unix O/S for public use, I started playing with a clone SCO/XENIX. Then, the IBM/PC became popular and Linux came along soon thereafter. Am I still allowed to call myself a 'nerd', even though I never owned a Commodore 64? Have I been living a lie?



KIM board. If you know this one you are an old geek fart like me! From there to Radio Shack to Apple I to IBM to the crap that they are now selling. And I STILL have them all. Including the PCII. If old hardware ever becomes collectable I'm a very rich man. My first hard drive for my IBM PC was a 10Mb (no mistyping there) was over $300. I just bought a 4 Tb for $49. If only the political would would progress like the technical one!

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## SaparotRob (Apr 2, 2021)

Be careful of what you ask for.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 3, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 3, 2021)

True.

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## GTX (Apr 3, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Apr 3, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 618327



That's completely fake news with photoshopped images because no wife, in the history of humankind, has ever admitted they were wrong.

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## ARTESH (Apr 3, 2021)

Leonidas
, and anyone else that wants to read:

Internet censorship in Iran - Wikipedia

this what i see in What are you listening thread, when VPN is off!






also any site with hosts not located in Iran, like here, for example uses between 3 to 7 times of Internet trafic! using vpn, double or triple it!!!

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## Gnomey (Apr 3, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Apr 3, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 618285


Because after you are done paying the electric bill, you will have no money for food.

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 3, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> That's completely fake news with photoshopped images because no wife, in the history of humankind, has ever admitted they were wrong.


He didn't say that they actually admitted to it.

Also, good thing the faces are cropped in photo #3, or they are never going to be able to run for re-election.

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## Leonidas (Apr 3, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 609591


Why?


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## MIflyer (Apr 3, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 3, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 4, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Apr 4, 2021)

That's an M41. We got one in a park about 2 miles away. I guess that is how it got there.

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 4, 2021)

Is it parked next to a fire hydrant?

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## Dana Bell (Apr 4, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 618443


Subtle! A Walker Bulldog...

Cheers,



Dana

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## Snautzer01 (Apr 4, 2021)

Leonidas said:


> Why?


It is a scene from a movie. When the woman makes loves she howls like Lassie. Everbody knows this but the man that makes love to her. Very funny indeed.


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## Snautzer01 (Apr 4, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> It is a scene from a movie. When the woman makes loves she howls like Lassie. Everbody knows this but the man that makes love to her. Very funny indeed.
> 
> View attachment 618460


Ohh and i know if you where to buy this movie in Iran and the goverment catches you, you will be howling to. But not from love or laughter.

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## MIflyer (Apr 4, 2021)

No, it is parked next to an A-7E, with tires are almost flat because it Still Has An Engine.

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## Gnomey (Apr 4, 2021)




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## XBe02Drvr (Apr 4, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> No, it is parked next to an A-7E, with tires are almost flat because it Still Has An Engine.
> View attachment 618462


Well fire it up, tap the bleed air, and pump up the tires, man! What the hell's been keeping you? Cranialrectumitis?

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## Snautzer01 (Apr 4, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 618443



Lassie has a friend

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## MIflyer (Apr 4, 2021)

The airport is not far away, but it would be a tough taxi, although folding the wings would help.

On the other hand there is a nice big mall parking lot right across the street, just beyond those palm trees.

However, sadly, the M-61 is not installed.

Too bad they painted over the original Desert Storm camo and markings. The new paint job is not faded like the old one but on the other hand, the insignia was correct, rather than the one that's on there now, which looks like something on an Aurora model. 

But the SLUF does have some company very close by.

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## SaparotRob (Apr 4, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> No, it is parked next to an A-7E, with tires are almost flat because it Still Has An Engine.
> View attachment 618462


Maybe GregP (not Greg) and his gang can hot wire it and fly it to Chino?

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## syscom3 (Apr 5, 2021)

Lol

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## michaelmaltby (Apr 5, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Apr 5, 2021)

I'd guess this is in SC

.

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## Gnomey (Apr 5, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 6, 2021)

HEY, I SAW THAT!

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## MIflyer (Apr 6, 2021)

The only Little Pig restaurant I know of is the one on Alpine Rd. near Ft Jackson. It used to be in a shopping center about two blocks from my grandparents' house.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2021)



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## XBe02Drvr (Apr 7, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 618705


Fluffy, hell! That's my girl Ebony!

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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Apr 7, 2021)

So very true.


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## MIflyer (Apr 7, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 7, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Apr 7, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Apr 7, 2021)



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## at6 (Apr 7, 2021)

Leonidas said:


> why?


Snautzer01 beat me to it. One of the funniest scenes in the whole movie.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 8, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 8, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Apr 8, 2021)

.. better that than the Easter Coyote

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## special ed (Apr 8, 2021)

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's exam room. They were waiting for the baby's first exam. The doctor came in, examined the baby, and after checking his weight, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. In a very professional manner, he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed her breasts for a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." Allegedly true.

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## Gnomey (Apr 8, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 9, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 9, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Apr 10, 2021)

The truth! Lol

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## Gnomey (Apr 10, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Apr 10, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2021)




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## special ed (Apr 11, 2021)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human because of it's small throat, although it is a very large mammal. The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher told her again it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The girl said, "Then you ask him."

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## Wurger (Apr 11, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 12, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 12, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Apr 13, 2021)

Funny, but true!

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## special ed (Apr 13, 2021)

Performing rounds at the hospital one morning, the doctor asked a patient, "How's your breakfast this morning?" Bob replied, "It's good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." The doctor then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled "KY jelly."

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## michaelmaltby (Apr 14, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2021)




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## at6 (Apr 15, 2021)

What is Bruce aka Caitlyn Jenner's favorite song? "Oh Yes I Have No Banana".

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## vikingBerserker (Apr 15, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Apr 15, 2021)




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## Wurger (Apr 15, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2021)




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## special ed (Apr 15, 2021)

A new young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady on who he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing, to further embarrass him. He looked up and sheepishly asked if he was tickling her. She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing, "No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

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## ARTESH (Apr 16, 2021)

100% True!!!

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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 16, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2021)

OK, which one of yous is she talking about?

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## Lucky13 (Apr 16, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Apr 17, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Apr 18, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 18, 2021)




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## special ed (Apr 18, 2021)

One day a little girl was watching her mother washing dishes in the kitchen. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair in contrast to her brown hair. She inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy or cry, one of my hairs turn white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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## Wurger (Apr 18, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 23, 2021)



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## at6 (Apr 23, 2021)

In honor of Earth Day I only farted once and didn't belch at all.

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## Андрей (Apr 23, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 23, 2021)




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## special ed (Apr 23, 2021)

When the 65 year old people were called for their Covid shots, a friend who had his first shot had just gone back for his second. On his way home, he began to have blurred vision. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should see a doctor of go to the hospital. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

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## Crimea_River (Apr 23, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 23, 2021)

Crimea_River said:


> View attachment 620608


Steeling

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## Gnomey (Apr 23, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Apr 23, 2021)

What would you call an optometrist who worked on the island of Attu?


An Optical Aleutian.

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## Prop Duster (Apr 23, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 620578


So Funny, So Stup--- hay wait a minute that might just do, to, ah---------

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## syscom3 (Apr 23, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 23, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 23, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 25, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2021)




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## Crimea_River (Apr 25, 2021)

_Bob feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In
the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Peg, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
Wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"


*"For God's sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"*_

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## Lucky13 (Apr 25, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Apr 26, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Apr 26, 2021)

Hey, it LOOKED like a runway....

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## special ed (Apr 26, 2021)

A doctor had to deliver the bad news to a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, he heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died of a massive internal fart.

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## Wurger (Apr 26, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Apr 26, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Apr 26, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Apr 26, 2021)

By the way that J-3, N40745 is still licensed, located in PA.


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## Greg Boeser (Apr 26, 2021)

WMPL!!!!


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## MIflyer (Apr 26, 2021)

Here's a thought...
.

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## MIflyer (Apr 27, 2021)

Hope this is not too political.

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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2021)




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## Wurger (Apr 27, 2021)




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## XBe02Drvr (Apr 27, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> Here's a thought...
> .
> View attachment 621049


Check six before firing! Unfettered Flying Object coming back!

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## buffnut453 (Apr 29, 2021)

You probably have to be a Brit to get this one:

There are 3 types of casual conversation in the armed forces: Navy chat; Army gossip, and: RAF wittering.


I'll get my coat!

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## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Apr 29, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 29, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Apr 29, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> You probably have to be a Brit to get this one:
> 
> There are 3 types of casual conversation in the armed forces: Navy chat; Army gossip, and: RAF wittering.
> 
> ...




For the uninitiated, RAF Wittering is an airfield just north of Peterborough...AFAIK, this is the first time a military base has ever been the punchline for a joke (ok, calling it a "joke" may be stretching things a tad!).

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## Airframes (Apr 29, 2021)

And you Finningley found the door.............. I'll get my coat too !


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## special ed (Apr 29, 2021)

An emergency room duty nurse saw a young woman with purple hair styled in a punk rocker Mohawk, with various and numerous tattoos, and strange clothes enter. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis. She was quickly scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff saw that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo that read, 'keep off the grass.' At the completion of of surgery, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said, "Sorry... had to mow the lawn."

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## Wurger (Apr 29, 2021)




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## Wildcat (Apr 29, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2021)



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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Apr 30, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 1, 2021)



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## Wayne Little (May 2, 2021)

:LOL:


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## Lucky13 (May 2, 2021)



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## MIflyer (May 2, 2021)

Again, I hope this is not considered to be too political

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## Crimea_River (May 2, 2021)

It's getting there.

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## ARTESH (May 2, 2021)

> کیش و مات چیست؟!
> 
> شما به زنت میگی یک زنی رو دیدم
> چقدر شبیه تو بود!
> ...



What is Checkmate?!

You tell your wife that I saw a woman, she was like you!
Then the lady asks: was she beautiful?
This is where you can not say yes or no...
That is Checkmate
whatever you say, you're done for!!!

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## Lucky13 (May 2, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 2, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (May 3, 2021)



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## Андрей (May 3, 2021)

боевые гномы

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## Gnomey (May 4, 2021)




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## Wurger (May 4, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 4, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 4, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 4, 2021)



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## Wurger (May 4, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (May 4, 2021)



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## special ed (May 4, 2021)

A woman working in the kitchen and listening to her son doing his math home work at the table, heard, "3+6 the son of bitch is 9." Then, "2+5 the son of a bitch is 7." His mother said," What are you saying?" The boy said, "My teacher showed us how to do math and that is what she said." Just to make sure she heard right, she said, "Go on." "2+2 the son of a bitch is 4." She called the teacher. "Are you teaching our children math saying 2+2 the son of a bitch is 4 ?" The phone was silent for a minute and then the teacher laughed. The teacher said, "What I said was, 2+2 the sum of which is four."

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## Wurger (May 4, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 5, 2021)



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## Gnomey (May 5, 2021)




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## at6 (May 6, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 622090


I see that you're acquainted with Caltrans.

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## The Basket (May 6, 2021)



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## Wurger (May 6, 2021)




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## special ed (May 6, 2021)

Many years ago through Canadian friends, I was introduced to Newfie jokes. Here's one. Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Buddy replies, "The film said 18 or over."

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## Glider (May 6, 2021)

Not quite a joke but I found this amusing. In particular the bit about having POW's in Germany was bad for morale

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## Gnomey (May 6, 2021)




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## A4K (May 6, 2021)

Love it mate! The last two lines are especially interesting!

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## SaparotRob (May 6, 2021)

I’d love to see the words to their song. I know the “words” to the Colonel Bogey March.


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## michaelmaltby (May 6, 2021)



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## Zipper730 (May 6, 2021)

G
 Glider


That was pretty funny that one about the British POW's.

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## Lucky13 (May 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 6, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (May 6, 2021)

The Japanese encountered the same attitude amongst Marines captured at Wake Island.

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## cherry blossom (May 7, 2021)

Possibly not fit for the off topic section but whilst looking at the Wikipedia article on Richard Vogt, the designer of aircraft such as the BV 141 and BV 138 flyingboat, I found some comments first published in the Aeroplane:

Richard Vogt, that original man,
Turns out aeroplanes uglier than
Most any other designer can.
Here is shown on Baltic Sea
A typical Vogt monstrosity—
The One-Three-Eight by B. & V.

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## Gnomey (May 7, 2021)




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## A4K (May 7, 2021)

While we're on the subject of wartime rhymes, No.490 (NZ) Sqn had a very heart-felt poem about one of their Sunderland flying boats, Q for Queenie, operating out of Gambia and Senegal, which seemed constantly prone to engine failure and other mishaps. It was lovingly penned by her crew:

'Q for Queenie, broad and beamy,
Pregnant cow, contrary witch.
Ground-crew's headache, air-crew's heartache,
Pull the plug out, sink the bitch!'

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## at6 (May 7, 2021)

cherry blossom said:


> Possibly not fit for the off topic section but whilst looking at the Wikipedia article on Richard Vogt, the designer of aircraft such as the BV 141 and BV 138 flyingboat, I found some comments first published in the Aeroplane:
> 
> Richard Vogt, that original man,
> Turns out aeroplanes uglier than
> ...


Was his mother French?

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## michaelmaltby (May 8, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 8, 2021)



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## Gnomey (May 8, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (May 9, 2021)

.... the Chinese view ...

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## Gnomey (May 9, 2021)




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## special ed (May 9, 2021)

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're over 80 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a prostitute club, not a parachute club." I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week! Life as a senior is not getting any easier.

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## Lucky13 (May 9, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 9, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 9, 2021)



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## MIflyer (May 9, 2021)

Read where an FW-200 was circling a British convoy in the Atlantic. One of the ships sent a light blinker message. 

"Could you circle the other way for a while? We are getting dizzy."

The FW-200 blinkered back, "Sure! " and started circling the other direction.

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## SaparotRob (May 9, 2021)

True or not, that's my kind of war story!

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## Lucky13 (May 10, 2021)



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## MIflyer (May 10, 2021)

Maybe this ad had something to do with the FW-200 being so cooperative?

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## Gnomey (May 10, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2021)



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## Wurger (May 11, 2021)




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## A4K (May 11, 2021)

...That's especially funny if you speak German - 'Gift' means 'Poison' !

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## Gnomey (May 11, 2021)




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## special ed (May 11, 2021)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' your father and mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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## Snautzer01 (May 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 622774


I would like to order the in law special please.

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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2021)

A4K said:


> ...That's especially funny if you speak German - 'Gift' means 'Poison' !



Same in Sweden, gift could mean married or poison! 😉😆😂

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## ThomasP (May 11, 2021)

Along with an emoji that means "I agree and that is funny" we also need one for 'That is funny and informative" or perhaps "That is funny and scary"?

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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (May 12, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 12, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 12, 2021)



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## MIflyer (May 12, 2021)

Whaada call the ladder sights of my Mauser C96 and Enfield No. 4 Mark 1*? Double clutching?

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## Gnomey (May 12, 2021)




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## at6 (May 12, 2021)

I just encountered Diogenes. I ask if he was still searching for truth and he said, "No. Gas."

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## MIflyer (May 12, 2021)

Everybody hates those incessant robocalls, so new ways of conveying the message have to be found.....

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## michaelmaltby (May 12, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2021)



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## Wurger (May 13, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (May 13, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 623060


Or as I call it, quality time.

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## syscom3 (May 13, 2021)

Lol

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## Wurger (May 13, 2021)

Are you sure that's the chewing gum?

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## Gnomey (May 13, 2021)




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## Prop Duster (May 13, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 620647


? new Tesla?

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## Prop Duster (May 13, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 622333


The instructions made no sense, and the number of pparts didn't agree with the parts list?!?

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## Prop Duster (May 13, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> Same in Sweden, gift could mean married or poison! 😉😆😂


So in Sweden is it poison to Get married OR is marriage poison?

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## buffnut453 (May 13, 2021)

Prop Duster said:


> So in Sweden is it poison to Get married OR is marriage poison?



Yes. Next question?

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## Greg Boeser (May 13, 2021)

Wurger said:


> Are you sure that's the chewing gum?

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## at6 (May 13, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> Lol
> 
> View attachment 623062


If it's in San Francisco, most likely not chewing gum.

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## Lucky13 (May 14, 2021)



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## Shortround6 (May 14, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> Whaada call the ladder sights of my Mauser C96 and Enfield No. 4 Mark 1*? Double clutching?



Very primitive?

Reaches around my back and pulls out this. 




says with exaggerated Austrian accent "_Now this is a back sight_!"

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## special ed (May 14, 2021)

At the next plastic scale model club meeting, shortly after the release of info on the F-117, I brought an empty shoe box and a blank sheet of paper for documentation claiming it was an F-117 model. Although we usually had awards to third place and that night there were only two other entries, I was still denied third place although no one could dispute my finish, color and markings as pictures of the fullscale aircraft had not yet been released.

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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2021)



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## Wurger (May 15, 2021)




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## MIflyer (May 15, 2021)

Many years ago one Saturday a friend of mine was working on recovering his Waco biplane in a building he owned. Of course, that involved spraying a lot of "dope," the highly volatile chemical used to tighten and protect the fabric; it was rather like spraying model airplane glue. It got late and he decided to head for home.

Driving down the highway, he was astonished with the excessive speed of the other cars, thinking, "What is going on tonight? Are these people all crazy?" Then he looked at his speedometer. He was going 15 mph.

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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2021)



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## MIflyer (May 15, 2021)

That shot shows about the equivalent of what I call the "uninventoried" portion of my collection.

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## michaelmaltby (May 15, 2021)

*A Voyage to Italy*
A young woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the Captain said. "Anything else?"

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, with some embarrassment, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

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## MIflyer (May 15, 2021)

Ever hear the term "Posh" as in describing a hotel, restaurant, or club?

Back before WWII there were ships heading from England to Egypt and back. It was preferable to be on the Port side on the way there, since when going through the Med that would be the cool, ocean side. On the way back to England the reverse applied, the Starboard side was the cool side of the ship. So passengers who wanted to be more comfortable specified Port Outbound Starboard Home with their reservations, abbreviated to POSH. The term later came to apply to other situations and services.

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## buffnut453 (May 15, 2021)

As explained by the immortal Lionel Jefferies in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang:

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## SaparotRob (May 15, 2021)

I was going crazy trying to remember where I had originally heard it. I had been humming it since MIflyer's post.

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## michaelmaltby (May 15, 2021)



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## Prop Duster (May 16, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (May 16, 2021)

This is really bad...but I'm sharing it anyway!!!

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## MIflyer (May 16, 2021)

I should take picture of me making a phone call with my Yashica FX-2.....

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## Gnomey (May 16, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 16, 2021)

Just saying....

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## MIflyer (May 16, 2021)

A friend of mine was an engineer with the Apollo program but he loved old airplanes. One day he was finally able to buy a 1929 Waco, a former crop duster. He ended up buying, selling, and rebuilding a number of Wacos. One of them was basically a basket case and he decided he would never get around to rebuilding it. So he listed it in Trade-A-Plane for a healthy price.

An older gentleman from Oklahoma called him about the Waco, asking questions and generally talking about Wacos and other older airplanes. The man would call him every week or so, and at the end of each conversation ask if my friend would accept a certain price. My friend would reply that he would consider that a good offer. The old gentlemen would say he would think about it and get back to him later; each time he lowered his offer a little more. My friend enjoyed the conversations and actually felt a bit sorry for the old fellow, figuring he would putter away his remaining years and never actually finish rebuilding the airplane.

Finally at the end of one call the old gentleman said they had a deal. He would send the money and have some guys come by with a truck to pick up the airplane. My friend was expecting an old ranch stakebed or maybe a U-Haul. But when the truck pulled up it was a large, beautiful. semitruck, an 18 wheeler. And suddenly all became clear.

The old gentleman's name was Mr Phillips. And on the side of the beautiful truck was emblazoned "PHILLIPS 66."

He had been talking to THAT Mr Phillips. Mr Phillips, the owner of Phillips 66 Oil Company of Barlettsville OK, the famous billionaire biplane enthusiast. And he had negotiated down the price of that basket case Waco.

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## special ed (May 16, 2021)

Some friends, now deceased, used to hang together and stir up trouble. Three were WW2 flyers who had flown before the war as sport flyers. A fourth, named Slim, was older than them and had been a barnstormer in the 1920s flying Jennys. Slim was always trying to find Jenny parts within driving range of New Orleans. He had settled in New Orleans when the CAA was formed and his planes had to meet regs. Occasionally the four of them would track down rumors of Jenny parts, usually with no joy. One day when I was at Herb's, he told me Slim was on the outs with that crowd because of a trip to Lafayette Louisiana. It seem Slim called Herb, Doc, and Irwin about finding some Jenny parts. They went to one place where the man said, no he didn't have the parts but knew who did. Person number two sent them on to another town and that person sent them to another, and eventually the last stop was in Lafayette. The man at this house said he didn't have Jenny parts but knew who did. The man gave detailed directions to Slim's house in New Orleans complete with address. The ride home after dark was complete with ribbing as the man had told them they probably wouldn't do any good because the man who owned the Jenny parts was an old nut.

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## michaelmaltby (May 16, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (May 17, 2021)



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## Airframes (May 17, 2021)

And he prize for wrong thread goes to .......................

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## vikingBerserker (May 17, 2021)

There appears to have always been a divid about wearing and not wearing masks.

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## Crimea_River (May 17, 2021)

Ya think?!

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## Glider (May 17, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> This is really bad...but I'm sharing it anyway!!!
> 
> View attachment 623425



Where I used to live there was a chap who installed TV Ariel's, Satellite dishes etc. His slogan on the back of his van simply stated

'100% guarantee with every erection'

I sometimes wondered how he got away with it

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 17, 2021)



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## MIflyer (May 17, 2021)

Back in the early 1900's George Westinghouse said, "Aircraft will always be slower that ground vehicles, because weight goes up as power increases and aircraft cannot weigh very much." 

Boy, did he get that one wrong, and he was one of the foremost experts on transportation of his day! Of course, if we are talking steam only he probably was right.

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## Gnomey (May 17, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 17, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 17, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (May 17, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (May 17, 2021)

I just got banned from the Flat Earth Society's Facebook page for asking if 2m social distancing was pushing anyone over the edge.

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## MIflyer (May 18, 2021)

If you tattoo artist is a bit deaf you might end up with:

"Born Too Loose"

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## special ed (May 18, 2021)

A man was riding on a bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him began breast feeding her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the man blurted out, " Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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## Leonidas (May 18, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 467740


I'm the Nashorn

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## Lucky13 (May 18, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 18, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 18, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (May 18, 2021)

Leonidas said:


> I'm the Nashorn


That was my favorite piece when playing ”Panzer Blitz“. Trademark Avalon-Hill.


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## Lucky13 (May 18, 2021)



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## fubar57 (May 18, 2021)

This has probably been posted here before and is supposedly based on an actual event. The scene is a foggy night on the Mediterranean Sea. A RN motor torpedo boat is on patrol and off to the side, the barely discernible shape of another ship is noticed, running on the same course. The skipper notifies the crew to prepare to fire once the ship is identified. They maintain position all night and into the dawn. It is now that the fog lifts and they discover they were targeting another RN motor torpedo boat. Maintaining radio silence, the skipper of the first boat signals over the the second, "You are lucky. We had you in our sights all night." The second boat signals over, "You're luckier.....we missed"

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## Leonidas (May 18, 2021)

fubar57 said:


> This has probably been posted here before and is supposedly based on an actual event. The scene is a foggy night on the Mediterranean Sea. A RN motor torpedo boat is on patrol and off to the side, the barely discernible shape of another ship is noticed, running on the same course. The skipper notifies the crew to prepare to fire once the ship is identified. They maintain position all night and into the dawn. It is now that the fog lifts and they discover they were targeting another RN motor torpedo boat. Maintaining radio silence, the skipper of the first boat signals over the the second, "You are lucky. We had you in our sights all night." The second boat signals over, "You're luckier.....we missed"


I assume they launched a torpedo?


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## Gnomey (May 18, 2021)




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## at6 (May 19, 2021)

Leonidas said:


> I'm the Nashorn


I'm the TigerII.


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## michaelmaltby (May 19, 2021)



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## ARTESH (May 19, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 622774



To Ms. Keenan:

I've ordered several, send me your P.O. Box address.

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## ARTESH (May 19, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 467740



Now I understand why I loved the "Horse Archers" from Stronghold Crusader:




and Also my Fav Class in RPG / MMORPG games is Archer / Ranged Class.

.
.
.

Because of This:




Also, In Persian Calendar, The Sagittarius stands for 9th month, Azar, which means Fire!

So, What am I? An Archer that fires fire Arrows!

StuG IV is my Max Level 

Very Nice! I love It.

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## special ed (May 19, 2021)

Dad joke warning:
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.

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## buffnut453 (May 19, 2021)

special ed said:


> Dad joke warning:
> Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.



But only one out of seven dwarfs is grumpy....how are the other 5 emoting?

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## special ed (May 19, 2021)

OK, Take this Dad joke:
I was explaining to my wife when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said,"You're obviously not listening."

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## SaparotRob (May 19, 2021)

Been there, done that!


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## Lucky13 (May 19, 2021)



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## Leonidas (May 19, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> But only one out of seven dwarfs is grumpy....how are the other 5 emoting?


neutral


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## special ed (May 19, 2021)

One more Dad joke and Ill stop:
My wife was counting all the nickles and dimes on the the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

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## Gnomey (May 19, 2021)




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## Wurger (May 19, 2021)




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## special ed (May 19, 2021)

All right, I lied, but SaparotRob's post 14347 made me do it:
An East Indian man has moved next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain so it came as no surprise that his name is Bindair Dundat!

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## SaparotRob (May 19, 2021)

special ed said:


> All right, I lied, but SaparotRob's post 14347 made me do it:
> An East Indian man has moved next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain so it came as no surprise that his name is Bindair Dundat!

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## vikingBerserker (May 19, 2021)




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## MIflyer (May 19, 2021)

Is he married to Gott Da Tshirt?

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## Greg Boeser (May 19, 2021)

special ed said:


> One more Dad joke and Ill stop:
> My wife was counting all the nickles and dimes on the the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


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## ARTESH (May 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 623944



The other fish be like:

Ok mate, Change your park!

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## michaelmaltby (May 20, 2021)



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## Guchi (May 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 623279


Yes. That is, indeed a small collection


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## Gnomey (May 20, 2021)




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## A4K (May 20, 2021)

Old kid's joke but what the hey!

Why was the pirate so upset when he got his hook and peg?
They cost him an arm and a leg.

(I think I left my coat next to Terry's....)

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## Greg Boeser (May 20, 2021)

Speaking of pirates,

One day a young sailor was in a wharf-side pub when he saw a salty old sailor with a peg leg, a hook in place of his right hand, and an eye patch over his right eye. Eager to hear the man's story he bought him a big glass of rum and asked how he'd come to his injuries.
"Argg! I'll tell ya me lad," said the pirate. "I lost me leg off the coast of Majorca, in runnin' fight wit a Spanish man o'war. Cannonball took it clean off just below the knee!"
"What about the hand?"
The hand? Argg! Lost while boardin' a treasure galleon in the West Indies. a Spanish marine got me with his cutlass, but not before I'd run 'im through with a pike!
"And the eye?"
"The eye?, Argg! a bird shat in it."
"A bird shat in it?"
"Argg! A bird. Ya see, t'was the day after I got me 'ook."

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## Crimea_River (May 21, 2021)

*An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater*

*When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,*

*"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."*

*The old man didn't budge.*

*The usher became more impatient.*

*"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."*

*Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.*

*The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.*

*Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.*

*Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"*

*"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.*

*With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;*

*"The balcony"......*

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## special ed (May 21, 2021)

WARNING- Dad joke incoming:
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to the local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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## ARTESH (May 21, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 624038



Boys answered:

2 x 10 = 20, you Idiot! now where is our order?

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## Gnomey (May 21, 2021)




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## A4K (May 21, 2021)

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

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## Wurger (May 21, 2021)




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## special ed (May 21, 2021)

A doctor who had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all medicines she had been prescribed. As the doctor looked through them he realised she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you know these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep." She reached and patted the young doctor's hand and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in my 16 year old Granddaughter's orange juice. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep."

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## Lucky13 (May 21, 2021)



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## Gnomey (May 22, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (May 23, 2021)



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## Gnomey (May 23, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2021)



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## VBF-13 (May 23, 2021)

I asked Alexa a month ago, "What do women want?" She's still talking...

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## Glider (May 23, 2021)

I found this in my old computer file.

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## Gnomey (May 24, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 25, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (May 25, 2021)

My plane sometimes has a gun:

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## Wurger (May 25, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (May 25, 2021)

So does mine

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## SaparotRob (May 25, 2021)

Hey! I think I just did a kit bash !

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## Gnomey (May 25, 2021)




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## ARTESH (May 25, 2021)

[They] asked: Who is a stranger?
[Sheikh Abulhasan] said: The stranger is not that the his existence in this world is strange, but the stranger is that his heart was strange in his body and his head was [strange] in his heart.

Sheikh Abolhasan Kharghani (d. 1046 A. D.), From "Anvar -ol Elm" (Lights of Knowledge) Book.

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## VBF-13 (May 25, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (May 25, 2021)

I'm praying that's a joke.

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## Wayne Little (May 26, 2021)

Maybe that is necessary for stupid people....

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## michaelmaltby (May 26, 2021)



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## special ed (May 26, 2021)

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of mother's milk." The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student had a difficult time to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is a perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. Then the student was stuck. Finally, as the bell rang, he wrote 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground the cat can't get it.

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## Gnomey (May 26, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 26, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 27, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 624877



I thought I was driving through a place like that this weekend. Straight up could have been the set of Deliverance.

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## at6 (May 27, 2021)

Did you hear Banjos?

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## Gnomey (May 27, 2021)




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## ARTESH (May 27, 2021)

Just someone tell me how is it Possible???

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## ThomasP (May 28, 2021)

The local neighborhood auto repair garage had this on their message sign today:

Let's eat kids.
Let's eat, kids.
Correct punctuation can save lives.

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## Gnomey (May 28, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2021)



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## Wayne Little (May 30, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (May 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (May 30, 2021)



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## Wurger (May 30, 2021)




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## at6 (May 30, 2021)



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## Gnomey (May 30, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (May 31, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (May 31, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 625419


That’s pretty much what happened to my Millennium Falcon during a move. Same time as the destruction of my Academy B-17D. I miss them both.

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## buffnut453 (May 31, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> That’s pretty much what happened to my Millennium Falcon during a move. Same time as the destruction of my Academy B-17D. I miss them both.



Well build another, man. What's wrong with you? Sheesh!!!! 😃

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## special ed (May 31, 2021)

A woman and her 12 year old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit in the rain and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom, what are all those women doing?" They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turned around and said, " Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy. They have sex with men for money." The boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the boy asks, "Mom, If those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

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## Gnomey (May 31, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 1, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 1, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 1, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 1, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jun 1, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2021)




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## Prop Duster (Jun 1, 2021)

youre welcome

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 2, 2021)

I never got one.

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## Prop Duster (Jun 2, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> I never got one.


A dog? A baby? A Pee?............ Never mind, I'm sure those nearest to you, mostly understand

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 2, 2021)

A treat.

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## ThomasP (Jun 2, 2021)

I got yelled at.

(I was only 2)

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## Wayne Little (Jun 2, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Jun 2, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> I got yelled at.
> 
> (I was only 2)


Me Too!! and i was only 32.

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## special ed (Jun 2, 2021)

It does make the grass greener, not that I know personally.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 2, 2021)

....would that mean that I'm constantly hammered then? 🤨🤔😳😲😉😆😂

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## special ed (Jun 2, 2021)

Warning: Dad joke in coming:
A blonde and her husband are in bed listening to the to the next door neighbor's dog barking for hours. She jumps out of bed shouts, "I've had enough of this!" She runs out of the house and finally comes back to bed. Her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what did you do?" She says, "I put the dog in our yard, let's see how THEY like it!"

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 2, 2021)

Yes, I will admit I laughed at that.........

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## Wurger (Jun 2, 2021)




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## special ed (Jun 2, 2021)

Apparently blonde jokes are not new, as I was watching a B&W movie from 1932 which involved a very blonde clerk at a dry cleaners. One actor asked her how long she had workthere. She said, "seven years." He said how do you like it? She said, " It's okay but I still don't know where the spots go."

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## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2021)




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## A4K (Jun 2, 2021)

Sad to relate, but my wife kicked me out. She said she was sick of me always singing that Monkees song, 'I'm a believer'.
At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face...

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## gumbyk (Jun 2, 2021)

A4K said:


> Sad to relate, but my wife kicked me out. She said she was sick of me always singing that Monkees song, 'I'm a believer'.
> At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face...

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 2, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jun 2, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Jun 3, 2021)

My friend Stan Wojak showed up at my house tonight. He was in a terrible state. "What's up, Stan?" I asked.
"I think my wife's trying to kill me! I came home from work, and there on the dining room table was a big bottle of _Polish _remover!"

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## ThomasP (Jun 3, 2021)

I saw this on a T-shirt when I was at the UofM the other day:

Engineers are NOT boring people.
We just get excited over boring things.

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## ThomasP (Jun 3, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jun 3, 2021)

Can you say mission oriented?

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## Prop Duster (Jun 3, 2021)

Over heard my Grandmother and her friend the other day....



...I don't listen anymore

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## ThomasP (Jun 3, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 3, 2021)

Some Iranian Jokes:

The girl on the plane was talking on her cell phone, "Talking on a cell phone is forbidden here," said the hostess, The girl said to her friend: Talking is forbidden here. . . You talk, I listen !!! ... The hostess had a stroke. The pilot fainted, The wing of the plane was detached.

Computer Basics: The part of a system that can be smashed with a hammer is called hardware, and the part that can only be cursed is called software!

They said to Newton: Why were you surprised when the apple fell? He said: Oh, I was sitting under a pear tree!

One day the teacher says to the student: Name five predators. The student says: Two tigers, three lions.

The snake marries the hedgehog and their child becomes barbed wire

A 12-year-old girl cries! Her friend comforts her: Let him go, my dear, you didn't deserve him! ... Then, When I was 12 years old, I was counting my notebooks's sheets to see are there really 100 sheets or not!!!

If women ruled the world, there would be no war! Only a few countries were angry with each other and did not talk!

Google: I own everything. Wikipedia: I know everything. Facebook: I know everyone. Internet: without me, you are nothing. Electricity: stfu.

A politician is one who can tell you to go to hell, but in such a way that you count the moments for this journey!

A psychologist is someone who: takes money from you to ask questions that your spouse asks you for free!

A chameleon suddenly went on a box of crayons, then he jammed!

Teacher said to student: Say three names which contains "Allah" . student answered: Shokrollah, Hamdollah, Cinderella!

Father to daughter: My daughter, what are you doing on the balcony at this time of night ??
Girl: I'm seeing The Moon, Daddy!
Father: Ok, tell your moon to turn off his car, his voice will not let us sleep!

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 3, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Jun 3, 2021)

A gas station owner in Texas was trying to increase his sales. 

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every fill-up.' 

Soon Henry pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. 

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Henry guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Henry, along with his friend Bob, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Henry guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Bob said to Henry, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Henry replied, 
'No it is genuine. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week !!!'

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## Gnomey (Jun 3, 2021)




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## VBF-13 (Jun 3, 2021)

"Senators, I respectfully decline to participate in this UFO hearing on the grounds it may incriminate, er, lead me into something"...

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## Wurger (Jun 3, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 4, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 4, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 4, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2021)




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## special ed (Jun 4, 2021)

The school children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer or that's Michael, he's a doctor."" A small voice rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 4, 2021)

Ouch!

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## ARTESH (Jun 5, 2021)

GTA IRL!!!





I'm Talking with Documents!!!






Mommy, What do we have for diner? 
- PAIN!!!

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## Gnomey (Jun 5, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 6, 2021)

Harry - SCMDP. 6.6.21

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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 7, 2021)

Harry: SCMDP 7.6.21

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## ARTESH (Jun 7, 2021)

For those who are interested in "Linguistics":



> To prove the common origin of languages, van Boxhorn compared etymologies, inflection patterns and grammars of Greek, Latin, Persian, Old Saxon, Dutch, German, Gothic, Russian, Danish, Swedish, Lithuanian, Czech, Croatian and Welsh. He found similarities that suggest a genetic relationship of these languages. Van Boxhorn was the first to include not only Greek, Germanic, Romance and Slavic languages in the language family, but also Persian, Sanskrit, Celtic and Baltic languages.
> 
> Marcus Zuërius van Boxhorn compared not only similar words in different languages, but whole inflection patterns and grammars. He was of the opinion that the relationship between languages must be verifiable on the basis of systematic grammatical correspondences and not only postulated on the basis of similar-looking word forms. He was the founder of the methodology for studying language that we now call the comparative method.
> 
> Van Boxhorn viewed language as an organic system and warned against loan words and Wanderworts, which spread as loanwords among languages and cultures, and which can influence the comparison of languages. A kinship of languages is often wrongly suspected on the basis of similar words, but these have been adopted from one language and originally come from another language. Van Boxhorn wanted to prevent these misinterpretations by systematically comparing inflection morphology and other grammatical features.



Marcus Zuerius van Boxhorn - Wikipedia

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## special ed (Jun 7, 2021)

With the large number of engineers on the forum, you have most likely heard all the engineer jokes. I'll try this one and if no more are required, just say so.

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want." The first nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

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## Wurger (Jun 7, 2021)

I have heard the same but about the TV set.

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## Dana Bell (Jun 7, 2021)

So the arc reaches land after the flood and Noah visits each of the animals. "Go forth and multiply" he enjoins each of them until eventually he finds two snakes. "Go forth and multiply" he repeats, but the snakes respond, "But Noah, we cannot for we are but adders."

Unable to respond, Noah and his family depart the arc. They cut down trees and build a log cabin. They are building furniture from the logs when Noah becomes inspired.

He returns to the arc, approaches the snakes and orders, "Go forth and multiply." The snakes again respond, "But Noah, we cannot for we are but adders." Smiling, Noah produces a piece of his new furniture and explains, "Yes, but with this log table even adders can be multipliers."

(Did someone mention engineer jokes?)

Cheers,



Dana

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## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jun 7, 2021)

I re-read 
D
 Dana Bell
's post several times, finally got it!

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## special ed (Jun 7, 2021)

Okay, one more: 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's wrong with these guys? We must have stood here fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I have ever seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George! What's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper said, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's very sad. I will say a special prayer for them." The doctor said, "I'll contact my ophthaimologist colleague and see if there is anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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## Lucky13 (Jun 7, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 8, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 8, 2021)



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## Crimea_River (Jun 8, 2021)

Had a good laugh this morning:

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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 8, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jun 8, 2021)

a variant on a joke

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world . . . then she made the world round . . . and laughed and laughed.

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## ThomasP (Jun 8, 2021)

Men at 26 play football.
Men at 40 play tennis.
Men at 60 play golf.
Have you noticed that as they get older their balls get smaller?


I have recently taken up photography, because it is the only hobby where you can shoot people and cut their heads off - without going to jail.


I just realized that even Duct tape can't fix stupid . . . though it can muffle the sound.


Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag full of popcorn kernels. The cremation ceremony is going to be epic!

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## ARTESH (Jun 9, 2021)

Pedophilia - Wikipedia !!!


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## ARTESH (Jun 9, 2021)

Another one from same movie:


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## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2021)




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## syscom3 (Jun 9, 2021)

LOL

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## syscom3 (Jun 9, 2021)

LOL

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 9, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> LOL
> 
> View attachment 626823


Reminds me of those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs I used to see on base. I always thought it would be more convincing with a bullet riddled, burned out wreck a few meters down the road.

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 9, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Jun 9, 2021)

I love hearing from the other side.

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## special ed (Jun 10, 2021)

The difference between engineer types: Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2021)

....weed! 😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2021)



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## at6 (Jun 10, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jun 11, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 12, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 12, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Jun 12, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 12, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 627160


Most likely she / he likes Xavier Krement too!

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## special ed (Jun 12, 2021)

The kids filed into the class Monday morning. The weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmenship. Sally led off, " I sold girl scout cookies and made $30. My sales was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit." Next was Debbie, " I sold magazines and made $45. I said they had entertainment and current events." Then Johnny's turn. He walked to the teacher's desk and dumped a box of money. "$2347", he said. The teacher exclaimed, " What in the world were you selling?" "Tooth brushes," He said. The teacher asked, "Tooth brushes! How could you possibly make that much selling tooth brushes?" "I found the busiest corner in town," he said. " I set up a dip and chip stand and gave everyone who went by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey this tastes like dog sh+t." Then I would say, "It is dog sh+t. Wanna buy a tooth brush?"

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## buffnut453 (Jun 12, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 12, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> View attachment 627164


Badly needed! The nearest one is 1200 km away, at Yerevan!

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## SaparotRob (Jun 12, 2021)

I'll pick you up and we'll drive there. I don't actually drink but anything to get away from my wife.

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## Gnomey (Jun 12, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 13, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2021)




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## special ed (Jun 14, 2021)

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. Can you believe that! 2:30 a.m.? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 14, 2021)

Oh, you're the one!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 14, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 14, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 14, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 14, 2021)

More for me!

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## ARTESH (Jun 15, 2021)

Only in these three months [March to June = Farvardin to Khordad]:

Cement became up to 50% more expensive
Sand up to 60%
Rebar up to 40%
Duties and tariffs up to 50%
Shipping fare up to 30%
Land up to 100%
Ceramic and tiles up to 30%
House up to 250%
Rent up to 100%



> We fast, we eat once a day. If they are to create an economic siege [Sanctions], We eat meat once a week. Eating meat is not a good thing either. We are not afraid of these things.
> 
> Sahifa of [Imam] Khomeini, Volume 11, Page 39 --- Dated 19 Aban 1358 [November 10, 1980]



I wonder if he was still alive, what would be his reaction? possibly "Hich" [Nothing].

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## ARTESH (Jun 15, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> I'll pick you up and we'll drive there.


easier said than done!!!

I've lost so many opportunities to leave the country, legally or Illegally , one way or another!

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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2021)



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## PETERTHEEATER (Jun 15, 2021)

An old lady crossed a budgerigar with a crocodile. One day it bit her arm off and said " Who's a naughty boy then?"

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 15, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jun 15, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Jun 15, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 627424


why is she blowing as whistle?


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## Greg Boeser (Jun 15, 2021)

Think of it as a train whistle. You wouldn't want to accidentally step in front of _that_ would you?

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## SaparotRob (Jun 15, 2021)

Maybe a little.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 15, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Jun 16, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 627499



It should be noted that the above also applies to the NFL but with a greater number of both millionaires and hours per game....oh, and they're wearing body armour beneath their underwear.

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## ThomasP (Jun 16, 2021)

A cat and a dog that had known each other since they were small, got into an argument one day, as all friends do once in a while.

Cat: cats can see into the near ultraviolet.
Dog: dogs can see into the near infrared.
Cat: cats can jump 30x their length horizontal and 8x their length vertical.
Dog: dogs can cover 30x miles in a day . . .without 8x naps.
Cat: cats can see colours.
Dog: dogs can hear mosquitoes fart.
Cat: can not!
Dog: OK . . but dogs can hear better than cats.
Cat: only in the high range, cats can hear better in the low range.
Dog: dogs can smell 2x better than cats.
Cat: then why do humans give you baths all the time?
Dog: hey! I mean that our noses are 2x more sensitive than cats.
Cat: cats are the most efficient land predator.
Dog: dogs are mans best friend.
Cat: . . .
Cat: cats can count to 20
Dog: dogs can count to 7
Cat: . . .
Dog: what?
Cat: sigh
Dog: yeah, well your litter has 2x fathers.
Cat: yeah, well your mom is a bitch.
Dog: . . . um, yeah, so?
Cat: sigh . . . oh, kiss my butt!
Dog: hey! thats not . . . er, wait . . . really?
Cat: sigh . . . go ahead, sniffing is OK, but no licking . . . I'm not 6 months old anymore.

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## v2 (Jun 16, 2021)

...

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 16, 2021)

Now that was clever!

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## Gnomey (Jun 16, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jun 16, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 17, 2021)

🇰🇭 : *joined Game*

🇮🇷: 🔟

🇧🇭: 8️⃣

🇮🇶: 4️⃣

🇰🇭: *Left Game*

---



cambodia national football team - Google Search

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## special ed (Jun 17, 2021)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood and trying to make it clear and interesting. She said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into my head and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, " said the class. "Then why is it when I am standing upright, in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my Feet?" A little fellow said, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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## Gnomey (Jun 17, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jun 18, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jun 18, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jun 18, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jun 18, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 18, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 18, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 18, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 18, 2021)

What the bug???






Since I left project, I've seen many wrong things happen!!! But this one ...
This is profile of Maj. Mostashari, one of passengers of C-130 that shot down on 1981!









1981 Iranian Air Force C-130 crash - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org

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## ARTESH (Jun 18, 2021)

Kebab is Human soul's food!

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 18, 2021)

Shawarma..

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 18, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 18, 2021)

I posted about censorship in Iran before! you can see more examples on this Video!

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 18, 2021)

... that's real insight into the contemporary.
thanks

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## ARTESH (Jun 18, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> ... that's real in sight into the contemporary.
> thanks


Thank you, dear Michael.

Well, there are so many things to show / talk / post about them! I try to find best possible examples that don't cross any of red lines and give some better experience about how is life for Iranians inside Iran. [hatred / religion / politics and sexual contents]


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## michaelmaltby (Jun 18, 2021)

... it's a fine line.

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## Gnomey (Jun 18, 2021)




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## at6 (Jun 18, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Thank you, dear Michael.
> 
> Well, there are so many things to show / talk / post about them! I try to find best possible examples that don't cross any of red lines and give some better experience about how is life for Iranians inside Iran. [hatred / religion / politics and sexual contents]


Artesh my friend,
I'm glad that I don't live in Iran. I once worked with some Iranian college students in a warehouse. One decided to stay here and go to work for the City of Stockton California and liked the USA. The other one hated the USA and always complained about how this country had been so blessed. He is most likely back in your counter chanting "Death to the USA". Stay safe.

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## ARTESH (Jun 19, 2021)

at6 said:


> Artesh my friend,
> I'm glad that I don't live in Iran. I once worked with some Iranian college students in a warehouse. One decided to stay here and go to work for the City of Stockton California and liked the USA. The other one hated the USA and always complained about how this country had been so blessed. He is most likely back in your counter chanting "Death to the USA". Stay safe.


Not sure what to say about 1st one, but I bet on my life the 2nd one is a terrorist cooperating with IRGC!

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## ARTESH (Jun 19, 2021)

This is not about USA, but Every single country in the world: There are billions of billions documented reports about terrorists living in other countries, but they never cared!!! many countries claim that they protect their citizens, but just a lie! they let terrorist into their countries, and when they kill people or detonate bombs or destroy planes, they do nothing!!! at maximum, the terrorists are sent to jail!!! this is why they become bolder and bolder everyday!!! This "human rights" and other bullshits like this and jail punishments, are not for terrorists!

In this case, I am a radical extremist! [if such thing exists, of course]

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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Jun 19, 2021)

I recall reading that in the beginning of the Falklands War the Royal Marines raided an Argentine outpost on one of the outer islands and captured an enemy soldier.

A British journalist on board the ship told his fellows, "He refuses to talk but I think he will change his mind after he's got six inches of cold British food in him."

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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2021)

Probably because today's cars are, pure and simple....utter shi....rubbish! 😉😆😂

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## Wurger (Jun 19, 2021)




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## special ed (Jun 19, 2021)

Warning!! Dad Joke:
It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asks. "What are my choices?" "Yes or no," She replied.

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## at6 (Jun 20, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> This is not about USA, but Every single country in the world: There are billions of billions documented reports about terrorists living in other countries, but they never cared!!! many countries claim that they protect their citizens, but just a lie! they let terrorist into their countries, and when they kill people or detonate bombs or destroy planes, they do nothing!!! at maximum, the terrorists are sent to jail!!! this is why they become bolder and bolder everyday!!! This "human rights" and other bullshits like this and jail punishments, are not for terrorists!
> 
> In this case, I am a radical extremist! [if such thing exists, of course]


We should leave it at this my friend. No reason to give certain authorities a reason to seek you out. Plus we might get a mighty spanking from the forum administrators.

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 20, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jun 20, 2021)

I was watching my fav streamer and he said that today is "Father's day" in US; So Happy Father's day!

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 21, 2021)

Posted at a local burger joint.

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## ARTESH (Jun 21, 2021)

I calculated that for the foreign trip that I want to go for another 3 years, I should have started saving my money twenty years ago, so beautiful, so scary!



> اقتصاد مال خره

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## MIflyer (Jun 21, 2021)

When one of my favorite restaurants, Steak and Shake, reopened their dining room I told a friend of mine we could resume our monthly lunch-with-a-long-chat.

We went there, but the dining room was closed due to lack of staff; only drive-thru was avilable. Fortunately the WX was nice and they had a couple of picnic tables outside in the shade.

Meanwhile both the local Burger King and Wendy's have gone back to drive-thru only.

You wonder if we will ever get out of this mess.

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## ARTESH (Jun 21, 2021)

Ironing boards are surfboards that gave up their dreams and found a regular job!

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## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2021)




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## syscom3 (Jun 21, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jun 21, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Jun 21, 2021)

Anybody remember that commercial about the first spam message ever sent?


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## Airframes (Jun 22, 2021)

By Vikings ??

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## ARTESH (Jun 22, 2021)

Internet Speed Test!

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 22, 2021)

Airframes said:


> By Vikings ??


 Yes

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 22, 2021)



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## special ed (Jun 22, 2021)

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun wrote a note and posted on the tray of apples: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving along the table, at the other end was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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## Lucky13 (Jun 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 22, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Jun 22, 2021)

Yatollah Ali Khamenei holding a Ben & Jerry's icecream (illustrative)
(photo credit: HO - / IRANIAN SUPREME LEADER'S WEBSITE / AFP,JPOST STAFF)

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 22, 2021)

Japan Times

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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 24, 2021)

Hong Kong's Apple Daily to publish final issue Thursday after spate of arrests


The paper, owned by now-jailed media tycoon and pro-democracy activist Jimmy Lai, has faced intense pressure from the government.




www.japantimes.co.jp

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 24, 2021)

Some of these are getting way too political (from several people).

This is a reminder. No politics. Don’t get the joke thread shut down.

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## pbehn (Jun 24, 2021)

Harry Kane has visited Cristian Eriksen, "positive news, he is looking more alert and can string some words together"... said Eriksen.

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## Gnomey (Jun 24, 2021)




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## at6 (Jun 24, 2021)

I know why some people are afraid to get vaccinated. Guys are worried that when the drop their shorts the plums will have become prunes and all that is left of the banana is a skin.

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 25, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Some of these are getting way too political (from several people).
> 
> This is a reminder. No politics. Don’t get the joke thread shut down.


Why not give those too political posters a time out in stead of closing threads?

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## special ed (Jun 25, 2021)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Sir, I see you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment. You explain this saying you win money gambling. The IRS finds that unbelievable." "I'm a great gambler and I can prove it. How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks a moment and says, "Go ahead." Grandpa says, " I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks again for a moment, then says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it." The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can see that Grandpa is not blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. As the auditor gets nervous, Grandpa asks, "Do you want to go double or nothing? I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that waste basket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious, but after looking carefully decides there is no way this old man could possibly manage that, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy knowing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" asks the auditor. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning when Grandpa told me he has been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you would be happy about it."

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 25, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Why not give those too political posters a time out in stead of closing threads?



I would rather not do either...


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## Snautzer01 (Jun 25, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I would rather not do either...


Yes but i have seen threads closed because of the mis behaviour of 1. Seems a bit harsh to close a thread because of 1 rotten apple in the basket.
Not complaining, just observing mind you.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 25, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Yes but i have seen threads closed because of the mis behaviour of 1. Seems a bit harsh to close a thread because of 1 rotten apple in the basket.
> Not complaining, just observing mind you.



Each thread/situation is slightly different. The moderating staff discusses each situation and determines what appropriate action to take.

Usually when a thread is closed, it is only temporary. The thread is cleaned up, and then re-opened,

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 25, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Each thread/situation is slightly different. The moderating staff discusses each situation and determines what appropriate action to take.
> 
> Usually when a thread is closed, it is only temporary. The thread is cleaned up, and then re-opened,


Again no critique, but i do not see the point is closing a thread when in my eyes it would be simpler to put the naughty one on ice for a while. But as i am of no importance in the matter and i do like this board and how it it run i will say no more. Thank you mods for keeping this board as it is.

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## Gnomey (Jun 25, 2021)




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## at6 (Jun 25, 2021)

Just send the offenders over to Mistress Claudette's for a vigorous spanking. Oh. I would be over there all of the time.

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## buffnut453 (Jun 26, 2021)

I'm still not laughing. If you all want to discuss the current world situation, please just start another thread. I come to this thread to have my mood lightened, not darkened.

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## michaelmaltby (Jun 26, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jun 26, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 26, 2021)

Ok, last time...

This a quote and joke thread. Not a thread to discuss real world politics, or terrorism.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 28, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 29, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 630284


And when you are done, he poops, and flings it out of the box trying to bury it.

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## Wurger (Jun 29, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jun 29, 2021)

Highest Ranking Officer be like: If there is something fun, tell me too!


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## ARTESH (Jun 29, 2021)



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## special ed (Jun 29, 2021)

A retired man went to the job center in downtown The Villages, Florida, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologists Assistant. Interested, he asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, place them down and carefully wash their private region, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they are ready for the examination. The annual salary in $85,000, and you will have to go to Marion, Ohio." "Good grief, is that where the job is?" "No sir, that's where the end of the line is."

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## Gnomey (Jun 29, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 29, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jun 29, 2021)

LOL! For me the really funny(sad?) aspect is that as soon as I read the text above my brain started trying to figure out just how he would present his argument. I was leaning toward the Monty Python method before I realized what I was doing and slapped myself.

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## Wurger (Jun 30, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jun 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 30, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jun 30, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jun 30, 2021)




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## The Basket (Jun 30, 2021)

Your browser is not able to display this video.

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## Wurger (Jul 1, 2021)




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## Crimea_River (Jul 1, 2021)

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!", screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"

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## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jul 2, 2021)

Well, I wanted to post this, much sooner! but I was more interested about "Special Guest" of Pilot's NGO meeting!

Tomorrow morning, I have a very very important Job interview at "teccaf" group! They have just opened a new bureau in Valiasr sq. If I be accepted, this would be a great step towards my new life!

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## Glider (Jul 2, 2021)

A brown bear walk into the pub and goes straight to the bar. Can I have a, a, a, a whisky please. Certainly said the barman, why the large pause?

From the 12 year old son of a work colleague.

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## Prop Duster (Jul 3, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> I love hearing from the other side.


 You Heard it too?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 3, 2021)

Last time (seriously)...

This is a thread for jokes. No more political stuff.

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## Wurger (Jul 3, 2021)

The love or target to hunt ... that's the question.

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## michaelmaltby (Jul 3, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jul 3, 2021)




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## special ed (Jul 3, 2021)

Dad joke warning!!
I was at an ATM yesterday. An old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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## ARTESH (Jul 4, 2021)

3 Things Eve could not say to Adam:



> سه تا چیز که حوا نمیتونست به آدم بگه :
> 
> 1- از شوهرای دیکه یاد بگیر !
> 
> ...

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 4, 2021)

Hilarious. I think. Perhaps. Maybe.

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 4, 2021)

Marital advice I was _not_ allowed to share at my son's wedding:
Remember, gentlemen, once you are married you are going to be kissing her ass for the rest of you life, so make sure she's got one worth kissing.

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## michaelmaltby (Jul 4, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 4, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jul 4, 2021)

> دانشجوی پسر + دانشجوی پسر = انتظار برای رسیدن ۲ دانشجوی دیگر جهت بازی ورق
> 
> 
> دانشجوی دختر + دانشجوی پسر = عشق
> ...

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## ARTESH (Jul 4, 2021)

This one is a little old! 



> ایران و آمریکا:
> 
> ﺩﺭ ﻋﺮﺍﻕ، ﺩﺭ ﮐﻨﺎﺭ ﻫﻢ ﻣﯽﺟﻨﮕﻨﺪ.
> 
> ...

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## special ed (Jul 4, 2021)

This occurred when the Fantasy Island TV show was popular in the US 1977-84. The program always began with a plane (Grumman Widgeon) landing with guests for their fantasy. Mr. Roarke was the island host and when the plane was sighted Tattoo would run to the bell and shout, "Da plane, da plane." I was at a fellow club member's, (Rick), house with other club members and Rick's extended family, a very large group as Rick had nine kids of his own, as well as his relatives' kids, friends, and the kids of club members. The occasion was his twins birthday which always was a big deal. I was standing near the kitchen to escape the circus. Seated next me was one of the Grandpas when a pre schooler raced up to him and yelled, " What kind of M&Ms does Tattoo like?" "I dunno, what kind?" "Da plain, da plain" the kid says and races off. Grandma walks out of the kitchen and Grandpa says, "Why does Tattoo like plain M&Ms ?" Grandma says, "I don't know . Why?" Grandpa says, " AAh....aah...go ask that damn kid."

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## ARTESH (Jul 4, 2021)

> *یه دختره بود می گفت من از تو جدا بشم میمیرم. یه ماه پیش ازم جدا شد، هر شب بهش پیام میدم زنده ای؟ تا مطمئن نشم که مرده، ولش نمیکنم!*





> *برای دختره کامنت گذاشتم لایک داری ..
> نوشته : شما؟
> از کجا داری دست منو میبینی لاک داره؟
> تو رو خدا منو هک نکن.*

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 4, 2021)

The cow is hilarious. Dont like the goat joke.

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## Gnomey (Jul 4, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 5, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 5, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 5, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 5, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 5, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Jul 5, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 631222


Looks like Bill, the Hollywood Cat from the comic strip “Bloom County“.

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## ARTESH (Jul 5, 2021)

Persian jokes, Part ?



> ‏‏‏‏‏‏يارو تو راديو مي‌گه اين آقاي پاول مدير تلگرام کجاست؟ يه روز دبي يه روز هلند، اطلاعات مردم هم سرگردانه بين کشورها ​





> A man at Radio: Where is this Mr. Paul? (Telegram CEO) He is one day in Dubai, another day in the Netherlands, carrying all peoples information with him! [actually not a joke, a real one!!!]





> دختره داره باهام صحبت میکنه میگه : اسمم میناست.
> 
> اسم پروفایلش نازنینه! آی دیش آیداست ، ایمیلش هم المیرا !
> 
> سازمان سیا تو شناسایی این مشکل پیدا کرده!️ تو جزئیات هم زده : از دروغ بیزارم!​





> A girl was chatting with me; "My name is Mina" she said. Her profile name was "Nazanin", ID Tag "Aida", and Email was "Elmira". Even CIA can not identify her. More interesting is Bio: I hate lies!!!





> بعضی دخترا هم هستن که
> 
> کاری به گرمای تابستون و سرمای زمستون ندارن
> 
> ...





> It doesn't matter how cold or hot weather is! you'll always find some Girls wearing boots! These are remnants of Hitler's Army, prepared for war!

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## at6 (Jul 5, 2021)

Nicht verstehen.

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## ThomasP (Jul 6, 2021)

Hey ARTESH,

Sorry, but I think you will have to translate your jokes. I tried a couple of Persian to English translation websites but they did not translate effectively.

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## ARTESH (Jul 6, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> Hey ARTESH,
> 
> Sorry, but I think you will have to translate your jokes. I tried a couple of Persian to English translation websites but they did not translate effectively.


Hey, Thomas

My apologies, I was about to send Translations that a power outage happened. I'm really sorry.

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## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Jul 6, 2021)

How about posting in english to start with? This board is not Saturday night Persia special.

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## michaelmaltby (Jul 6, 2021)

Do they have belly dancers, young belly dancers on Saturday night Persia special.??

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## Prop Duster (Jul 7, 2021)

I won't bore you ----oh, yes I will
It was mealtime on an airplane, and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
“What are my choices?” the passenger asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seatbelts.

A man walks up to the counter at the airport.
“Can I help you?” asks the agent.
“I want a roundtrip ticket,” says the man.
“Where to?” asks the agent.
“Right back to here,” he replies.

I asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of a crying baby next to me.
It turns out you can’t do that if the baby is yours.

Where does a mountain climber keep his plane?
In a cliff-hangar.

How often do airplanes crash?
Just once.

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## ThomasP (Jul 7, 2021)

An engineer joke.

A mathematician, physicist, and engineer all want to find the volume of a blue bouncy ball.

The mathematician gets his calipers out and measures the diameter of the ball, then solves the integral.

The physicist fetches a bowl of water, drops the ball in and measures the displacement.

The engineer checks the serial number and finds the volume in the appropriate table of his Handbook of Blue Bouncy Balls.

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## ThomasP (Jul 7, 2021)

Another engineer joke.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. Look at the hundreds of thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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## ThomasP (Jul 7, 2021)

Interesting law case. The following is a cleaned up and reduced version of the transcript from an actual court case. The names and and possible identifying information have been removed, 

The charge was arson - supposedly a farmer burned down his barn for insurance money.

The prosecutor outlined what they would prove: the farmer moved most of the stuff out of a barn into a second barn, then burned down the first barn by pouring fuel around the base and setting it on fire.

The prosecution called as witness a neighbor in a subdivision that backed up to the farm - who testified the farmer moved stuff out of the barn over about a week. The neighbor noticed the unusual activity because he was outside building a deck on his vacation.

Next, the neighbor saw the farmer walking slowly around the outside of the barn pouring something from a 'blue gas can' on the lower part of the barn walls.

The farmer goes out of sight to the front of the barn, and flames erupt all along the base of the barn. His neighbor calls 911. We hear the recorded 911 call in which the neighbor says the farmer has set fire to his barn.

The defense had no questions for the neighbor.

By the time fire department arrived five minutes later, the barn was fully engulfed and they just acted to contain it, which was essentially just standing by since they note the nearby ground has been closely mowed, evidently to prevent the spread of flame. The firemen said the flames spread with a rapidity that was out of place even in a wooden barn, and they smelled petroleum.

The defense had no questions for firemen.

The fire investigator employed by the fire department, who came along on the response specifically because of the 'he set his barn on fire' 911 call, said it was definitely arson because of the clear marks on the ground where accelerant burned, which still smelled of fuel after the fire died down.

The defense had no questions for the investigator.

The police then arrested the farmer and took him down to the station.

Police investigators said there was virtually nothing in the burned barn (ruined tools or equipment) but that there was a good supply of items in the other barn that appeared to have been recently placed there, including some sitting on grass that was still green underneath.

The insurance company representative said the barn was insured.

The defendant's lawyer still has said essentially nothing, there was no cross-examination of any of the prosecution's witnesses.

The prosecution was done. The Defense was up.

The defense calls the farmer, and the first question was, 'Let's cut to the chase. Did you burn your barn down?'

'Yup.'

'Why did you do it?'

'It was old, and rotten, with termites. Going to fall down. Not safe.'

'Hm. Do you usually burn down old farm buildings?

'Yep and my daddy did before me, and his before him. It's a farm.'

'Are you aware that you need a permit to burn debris in this county?'

'Been doin' it that way on this farm since the 1800s, never had no permit.'

'The fine for setting any kind of fire on private property without a permit is up to $500. Oh, wait, I forgot, you are zoned for 'active agriculture,' and are exempt. So, no permit needed. But, why didn't you tell any of this to the police?'

'They didn't ask me no questions till after they put handcuffs on me and took me to the police station. They told me anything I said would be used against me, and said I had the right to remain silent. THEN some lawyer guy came in and told me I was going to prison for insurance fraud, and HE asked me questions. I remember Perry Mason said don't talk to anyone but your lawyer. So I didn't.'

'Did you file an insurance claim?'

'What for? The barn wasn't worth nothin' in that state. That's why I burned it in the first place.'

'I suggested we explain all this and try to talk them out of a trial. You said you wanted your day in court. What's up with that?'

'They came on my land, arrested me without telling me what for. Told me later it was for arson and insurance fraud, and put that in the papers. All my friends, relatives, and neighbors know about this. They made me look dishonest. I want to make sure everyone knows the real facts. I figure this is better than them just dropping it, and everyone wondering whether they just decided not to send an old man to prison.'

The Defense rested.

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## ThomasP (Jul 7, 2021)

Funny on several levels, particularly to an engineer.




Incidentally, his MSC thesis was on the application of self-tuning (ie auto-tuning) circuits to create adaptive control systems.

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## SaparotRob (Jul 7, 2021)

More Blackadder!

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## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 8, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 8, 2021)

"... The last one said, "No, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" .."

I shared this excellent joke with a smart Ukrainian software engineer that I used to work with,
She replied:
"Good reason not to make recreational area too comfortable. Considerate Civil Engineering"

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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2021)




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## special ed (Jul 8, 2021)

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look around and not see her husband any where. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was worried, she called him to ask where he was. In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "yes, I remember that store." "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

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## Wurger (Jul 9, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jul 9, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 10, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2021)




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## special ed (Jul 10, 2021)

A woman found that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took him to a veterinarian. The vet found the problem was hair in the dog's ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then told her if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should buy some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. At the drug store she bought "Nair" and at the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." She said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The Pharmacist replied, "If you are using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." She said, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 10, 2021)

special ed said:


> A woman found that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took him to a veterinarian. The vet found the problem was hair in the dog's ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then told her if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should buy some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. At the drug store she bought "Nair" and at the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." She said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The Pharmacist replied, "If you are using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." She said, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."


What ??

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## special ed (Jul 10, 2021)

I thought that might pull your chain.

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## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jul 11, 2021)

Mr. Difficulty






آپارات - سرویس اشتراک ویدیو







www.aparat.com





Do you have any difficulties?


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## Lucky13 (Jul 12, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 12, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jul 12, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Jul 12, 2021)

Hey! No politics!!!

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## ARTESH (Jul 13, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> Hey! No politics!!!


No politics, just a leak about new coming trilogy for fans!!!

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 13, 2021)

OOOOOO!!! Sign me up!

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## Maxrobot1 (Jul 14, 2021)

Ok everyone! Stand back!

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## Maxrobot1 (Jul 14, 2021)

Chomp!

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## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2021)




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## Wurger (Jul 14, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jul 14, 2021)

Maxrobot1 said:


> Ok everyone! Stand back!


ََA click-bait title would be like:

The world's record of throwing airplanes with 1 hand has been broken!!!



Maxrobot1 said:


> Chomp!



And for this one would be like:

This chopper will cut your hands!!!

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## special ed (Jul 14, 2021)

Warning!!
Dad Joke: 
A little girl walks into the kitchen and says to her mother, "Mum, can I tell you something?" "Of course" "Yesterday, when I was on the bus with Dad, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "That's good sweety, you did the right thing." "But Mum, I was sitting on Dad's lap."

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## special ed (Jul 14, 2021)

Warning!!
Another dad joke: 
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. I knew a man who was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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## Wurger (Jul 14, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jul 14, 2021)

special ed said:


> Warning!!
> Another dad joke:
> Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. I knew a man who was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.


I can't say RIP to this one, but I can say: Rest in High Heels! ... Oops! sorry, my bad English! I meant Burning Hell! Yeah.

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## ARTESH (Jul 15, 2021)

> میدونید چینیا به دوقلو چی میگن؟ میگن: این چون اون؛ اون چون این





> Do you know how Chinese call twins? Answer: This like that, that like this.





> معلم جغرافی: 3 تا کشور نام ببر! دانش اموز: اروپا، افریقا، آسیا





> Geography teacher: Name 3 countries! Student: Europe, Africa, Asia.

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## Wayne Little (Jul 15, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jul 15, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jul 16, 2021)

Earlier today I was sitting in a Perkins restaurant waiting for a call from work. There was the usual subdued murmuring conversations doing on, and I heard a child (maybe 6 or 7 years old) say the following to his mom and dad:

"If people can see water but we can't see air, does that mean fish can see air but can't see water?"

You could have heard the crickets chirping outside for a few seconds after that, if there were crickets in the parking lot or street.

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## ThomasP (Jul 16, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Jul 16, 2021)



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## special ed (Jul 16, 2021)

Warning!
Grandfather joke:
A Grandfather made time every weekend to spend with his son's family. Every Saturday morning he would take his five year old granddaughter for a drive to get pancakes, ice cream or candy. One particular Saturday he had a cold and stayed in bed, so Grandma took the granddaughter for her drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl raced upstairs to see her Grandfather. "Did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" "Not really, PaPa it was boring. We didn't see a single dumb shit, a$$hole, moron, horse's ass or stupid son of a bitch anywhere we went! Grandma just smiled at everyone. I didn't really have any fun."

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## buffnut453 (Jul 16, 2021)

Concerned Father: My son has started eating electrical cables. What should I do?

Agony Aunt: Ground him until he conducts himself properly.

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## Wurger (Jul 16, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 20, 2021)



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## Airframes (Jul 20, 2021)

I went to a local Indian restaurant last night, and decided to try something different. So, I asked the waiter what he'd recommend.
He suggested Chicken Tarka.
Never heard of it, so he explained " It's like chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter".
Yeah, I've got me coat ..................

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## syscom3 (Jul 20, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 20, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2021)




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## syscom3 (Jul 20, 2021)

Lol

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## SaparotRob (Jul 20, 2021)

Brilliant!

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## Wurger (Jul 21, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 21, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 21, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Jul 21, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 633176


The very same goes with gamers

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## special ed (Jul 21, 2021)

Warning!!
Dad joke: 
An 82 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and asked, "You are really doing great, aren't you?" He replied, "Just doing what you said, doctor. Get a hot momma and be cheerful." "I didn't say that . I said you have a heart murmur, be careful."

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## Wurger (Jul 21, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Jul 21, 2021)

Things you can only find in "Divar" site! - Part 1

(local version of Amazon / Alibaba)




Tank Model 96




Aircraft Engine CF6-80




Lincoln Class Aircraft Carrier

Type: War trophies

Place: Hormuz Strait

Ad type: Auction

Price: 40000 Tomans

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## michaelmaltby (Jul 21, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 23, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 23, 2021)




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## special ed (Jul 23, 2021)

Stanley died in a fire and his body was badly burned. To identify the body, his best two deer hunting buddys, Cooter and Gomer, were sent for. Since the three had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of the same hunting club, Identity was assured. Cooter arrived, the sheet was pulled back, and Cooter says, "The face is too burned. Turn him over." "Nope, that's not him." Gomer was brought in, "He's pretty burned up. Turn him over. Nope, that ain't Stanley." The attendant asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer says , "Well, Stanley had two assholes." "What!! Two assholes?" "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everbody used to say "There goes Stanley with them two assholes."

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## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Jul 26, 2021)



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## special ed (Jul 26, 2021)

Warning!!
Dad joke:

Three old guys are out walking.
The first says, "Windy isn't it?"
Second says, "No, it's Thursday."
Third says, "So am I. Let's get a beer."

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## Gnomey (Jul 26, 2021)




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## Wurger (Jul 26, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 27, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Jul 27, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 27, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 28, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jul 28, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jul 28, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Jul 28, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 634143


Awwwww.


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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Jul 28, 2021)

Yup, thats the expression I get as well.........................

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## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Jul 29, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Jul 30, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Jul 30, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Jul 30, 2021)




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## davparlr (Jul 30, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 634146


Obviously the cat is an accomplished performer. Note how he is concentrating on sticking the landing.

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 30, 2021)

davparlr said:


> Obviously the cat is an accomplished performer. Note how he is concentrating on sticking the landing.


The cat is a p-39 minus nose armour.

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## special ed (Jul 30, 2021)

An old news story: 
Florida woman stops alligator attack with small .22 caliber pistol.
A woman walking along the edge of a pond near her house was discussing the property settlement and other issues with her soon to be ex-husband when a huge 14 foot alligator charged from the water towards her. "If I had not had my little .22 pistol with me, I would not be here. Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap and I could walk away."

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## Wayne Little (Jul 31, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Jul 31, 2021)



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## Wurger (Jul 31, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Jul 31, 2021)

It's funny how so many Formula 1 racing drivers are named after Scottish towns:

Stirling Moss

Lewis Hamilton

Eddie Irvine

Ayr town centre



I've already got my coat...

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## Gnomey (Jul 31, 2021)




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## japsubshunter (Jul 31, 2021)

special ed said:


> A new young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady on who he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing, to further embarrass him. He looked up and sheepishly asked if he was tickling her. She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing, "No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."







your_browser_is_not_able_to_play_this_audio

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## ThomasP (Aug 2, 2021)

Kalahari early warning system.

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## Wurger (Aug 2, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Aug 2, 2021)

> به دختره میگم شمارتو بده واسه نماز صبح بیدارت کنم... میگه شماره حسابمو میدم پول بریز تو کارتم پیامش میاد بیدار میشم!​





> Once I told to a girl: "Give me your number, I'll call you for the morning pray!". She told: "Here is my credit card number! I'll wake up by Bank's SMS".

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## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2021)




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## special ed (Aug 2, 2021)

Warning!
Dad joke:
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My family went to my grandad's farm and we saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
"That's good, but what I wanted was to use the word fascinate rather than fascinating"
Sally said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
"That was also good but I was wanting everyone to use the word fascinate."
Johnny raised his hand, but since she had been burned before by Johnny, she was reluctant, however seeing no way he could ruin the word, she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Carol has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

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## v2 (Aug 3, 2021)

...

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## Wayne Little (Aug 3, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Aug 3, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 3, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Aug 3, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 3, 2021)

For our "SAILOR's" ...






photo from Pinterest.

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## ARTESH (Aug 3, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 636147


I didn't Get this one! I know what "Abalone" is, but no Idea at all!!!

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## GTX (Aug 3, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 3, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Aug 3, 2021)

for unknown reason, I could not upload it as a link or from HDD!!!

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 3, 2021)

"... I didn't Get this one! I know what "Abalone" is, but no Idea at all!!!
Baloney = big fat hot dog = meat scraps-offal = cheap = you don't know what you're eating = full of baloney = full of nonsense
Abalone = expensive = delicacy
.
helpful ... ?

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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 3, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 4, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> "... I didn't Get this one! I know what "Abalone" is, but no Idea at all!!!
> Baloney = big fat hot dog = meat scraps-offal = cheap = you don't know what you're eating = full of baloney = full of nonsense
> Abalone = expensive = delicacy
> .
> helpful ... ?


Yes, Michael, Thank you so much.

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## ARTESH (Aug 4, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 636290



I organize by total number of pages!

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## special ed (Aug 4, 2021)

Warning!
Grandpa joke

There is a specie of antelope that can jump higher than the average house, because the average house can't jump.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 4, 2021)

I laughed at that and the most important thing is to admit when you have a problem

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## special ed (Aug 4, 2021)

A Dad's marriage tip to his son: 
When your wife is mowing the lawn, it's not a good time to ask when dinner will be ready.

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## at6 (Aug 4, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> I didn't Get this one! I know what "Abalone" is, but no Idea at all!!!


Abalone has been replaced with baloney in the Sea food restaurants along the California Coast. Once had to go well inland to get Red Snapper because it is no longer served in Monterey Ca.

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## at6 (Aug 4, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 636147


Definitely Fisherman's Wharf in Monterey the last time that I was there.

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## Gnomey (Aug 4, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 5, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 5, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 636428




Our local chef is everywhere

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## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2021)




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## Thumpalumpacus (Aug 5, 2021)

special ed said:


> A Dad's marriage tip to his son:
> When your wife is mowing the lawn, it's not a good time to ask when dinner will be ready.

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## ARTESH (Aug 5, 2021)

When you're invited to a "PARTY" and you don't know what to wear!!!

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## special ed (Aug 5, 2021)

A fellow was walking with his new girlfriend when they saw dogs mating. She said, "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" 
He replied, "He can smell when she is ready. That's how nature works."
They then saw sheep in a field mating and again she asked the the same question and he answered, "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
They saw a bull mating a cow and she said, "Surely, the bull can't smell she is ready."
"Of course he can. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."
After the walk, he dropped her at her house, and as he kissed her goodbye, she said," Take care and Get checked for Covid-19"
"Why do you say that?"
"You seem to have lost your sense of smell"

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## Wurger (Aug 5, 2021)




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## Wurger (Aug 7, 2021)



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## A4K (Aug 7, 2021)

Soldiers must be in 'short' supply there

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## Dana Bell (Aug 7, 2021)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 636736



But the order was to fall in at the MOTOR pool...

Cheers,


Dana

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 7, 2021)

The one who pees in the pool must where a red flag.

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## Gnomey (Aug 7, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Aug 7, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> The one who pees in the pool must where a red flag.


That should be the LAW!

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## SaparotRob (Aug 7, 2021)

I apologize for getting political.

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## A4K (Aug 7, 2021)

Not good enough mate. You're sacked

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 7, 2021)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 636736


"Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that you have escaped amphibious assault training. This does not get you off the hook. Embarkation WILL occur as scheduled at 1800 hours tonight. I have until then to make true Marines out of you. Let's get with it, men!"

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## Андрей (Aug 7, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 7, 2021)

The 1st one is not something good!


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## ARTESH (Aug 7, 2021)



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## at6 (Aug 8, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> View attachment 636798
> 
> 
> View attachment 636799


Must everyone keep putting my picture in the forum?

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## A4K (Aug 8, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> View attachment 636799



Backyard is full! I need several of this:

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 8, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2021)



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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 8, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 636954


There's an STC to install an auger feed so you can eject the excess baggage!

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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 636954


Also in English: WSO, RIO, Co-pilot, Boom Operator, Navigator, Bomardier, Gunner, Radio Operator, etc. ...

Meanwhile in Persian: Pilot, Co-pilot .

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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2021)

NOT MY WORK! SEE SOURCE!

Source: Here

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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2021)

LOL!

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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 9, 2021)



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## special ed (Aug 9, 2021)

A smart ass answer:
A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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## Wurger (Aug 9, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Aug 9, 2021)



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## A4K (Aug 9, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> View attachment 637072



Like a fridge magnet I once saw, that read 'The more people I meet, the more I love my dog'

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## Андрей (Aug 9, 2021)

The inscription reads: July 25 - Day of the Russian Navy

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## A4K (Aug 9, 2021)

Never seen a Harrier with red stars


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## Андрей (Aug 9, 2021)

In the last few years, there have been simply "masterpieces", not posters. Such posters are made by people who are very far from military history and who are completely unaware of the technical part.







One poster has a German soldier, the other a Finnish soldier



This poster says They fought for their country. The photo shows the crew of a German bomber.



La-5, Semyon Lavochkin and Ju-87



The inscription reads "This is our victory.

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## Андрей (Aug 9, 2021)

The Russians say in such cases that the person who did this has hands growing out of his ass.

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## ARTESH (Aug 9, 2021)

A4K said:


> Like a fridge magnet I once saw, that read 'The more people I meet, the more I love my dog'


Personally never had any Dogs or Cats as pet, but strongly agree with you! (I had several Gastropods and turtles, btw)

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## ARTESH (Aug 9, 2021)

Андрей said:


> The inscription reads: July 25 - Day of the Russian Navy
> View attachment 637296


Happy Navy Day, Andrei.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 9, 2021)

Strong 'masterpieces' ..... accurate or not.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 10, 2021)



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## Андрей (Aug 10, 2021)

*hunting dog for sale



*

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## special ed (Aug 10, 2021)

Amazing. My cousin just sent this same Email in English. Small world.

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## buffnut453 (Aug 10, 2021)

special ed said:


> Amazing. My cousin just sent this same Email in English. Small world.



Nah...just goes to prove that nothing can exceed the speed of inanity. 

You may now all return to your searches for videos of cats playing pianos etc.


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## Андрей (Aug 10, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> Nah...just goes to prove that nothing can exceed the speed of inanity.
> 
> You may now all return to your searches for videos of cats playing pianos etc.


у нас популярны видео когда собаки переходят дорогу по пешеходному переходу,


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## buffnut453 (Aug 10, 2021)

Андрей said:


> у нас популярны видео когда собаки переходят дорогу по пешеходному переходу,



Which only proves my point...people will watch ANYTHING on the internet.

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## GTX (Aug 10, 2021)

A4K said:


> Never seen a Harrier with red stars


Now you have:

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## buffnut453 (Aug 10, 2021)

GTX said:


> Now you have:
> 
> View attachment 637383
> 
> View attachment 637384



UGHHH!!! That's wrong...just WRONG!!!!

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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Aug 10, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Aug 10, 2021)

Alouette IIIs in disguise, hoping to be mistaken for your normal everyday flying elephants.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 10, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> Alouette IIIs in disguise, hoping to be mistaken for your normal everyday flying elephants.
> View attachment 637416


Maybe this will help Republicans overcome their distaste for all things French. Mais oui, mes amis! Comment ca va?

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 11, 2021)

Hillarious ...

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## Lucky13 (Aug 11, 2021)



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## at6 (Aug 11, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> Alouette IIIs in disguise, hoping to be mistaken for your normal everyday flying elephants.
> View attachment 637416


They didn't last very long. Ivory poachers wiped them out.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 11, 2021)

Man, could you imagine THOSE "bird droppings".

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## at6 (Aug 11, 2021)

If you're still "feeling the Bern", get to the hospital. That girl gave you something.

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## buffnut453 (Aug 11, 2021)

Never felt Bern and have no intention of feeling him...EVER!!! Just sayin'.

I have been to Bern though...twice. Lovely little town!

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## ARTESH (Aug 11, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> Alouette IIIs in disguise, hoping to be mistaken for your normal everyday flying elephants.
> View attachment 637416


Just imagine Noah's face after he sees this!!!

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## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2021)




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## javlin (Aug 11, 2021)

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.



> One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
> All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
> At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
> This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
> ...

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## Thumpalumpacus (Aug 11, 2021)

This joke got me a slap from my girlfriend in Spain:

Q: What's the difference between a cheeseburger and a hummer?

A: I'll tell you over lunch -- McDonald's sound good?

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## v2 (Aug 12, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Aug 12, 2021)

v2 said:


> View attachment 637651


Short and sweet. Brilliant.

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## ARTESH (Aug 12, 2021)

Obaid Zakani says: Once I was passing by a cemetery; I saw a long tombstone. I asked the gravedigger: Whose grave is this? He said: Army's flag-bearer who was killed in the war. I said: Did you bury him with his flag?!



> Ubayd Zakani - Wikipedia
> 
> 
> 
> ...

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## special ed (Aug 12, 2021)

A drunk man, smelling of booze, sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face covered with lipstick prints, and he had a half empty bottle of gin in his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, sleeping with prostitutes, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of a bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," he said and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking of what he said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope has it."

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## Андрей (Aug 12, 2021)

v2 said:


> View attachment 637651


There were queues for bread during the war and after the collapse of the USSR, under Yeltsin, the scumbag.

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## Thumpalumpacus (Aug 12, 2021)

special ed said:


> A drunk man, smelling of booze, sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face covered with lipstick prints, and he had a half empty bottle of gin in his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
> "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, sleeping with prostitutes, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of a bath."
> "Well, I'll be damned," he said and returned to his paper.
> The priest, thinking of what he said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
> "I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope has it."



The Pope boards an airplane and seats himself in first-class next to an older lady. The lady, a devout Catholic, was awestruck and wondering how to greet the pontiff when he opened his carry-on and pulled out a crossword-puzzle book and got to work; that was her opening.

"Your Eminence, I see you enjoy crossword puzzles," she noted.
"I do," he replied, "but I'm stuck on this clue -- 'female in your family'. Four letters, _blank-u-n-t_ is what I have."
The lady thinks for a second and is horrified at her first thought, which is far too vile and obscene to utter to the Pope himself, but as she's struggling the answer occurs to her. "Aunt!" she blurts out. "A-u-n-t!"
His Holiness roll his eyes and says, "But of course! Say, do you have an eraser?"

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## special ed (Aug 12, 2021)

Warning!
A smart ass comment:
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then it was too late."

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## Wurger (Aug 12, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Aug 13, 2021)

v2 said:


> View attachment 637651


neither of those were useful for us! so, no difference at all!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 13, 2021)

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 PM – Milk bones! My favourite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 PM – Dinner! My favourite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to  them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities.

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He has obviously gone mad.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

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## ARTESH (Aug 13, 2021)

I just found his (or her?) username funny! It means "Cheerful"!


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## Snautzer01 (Aug 14, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> The Dog’s Diary
> 
> 8:00 am – Dog food! My favourite thing!
> 9:30 am – A car ride! My favourite thing!
> ...

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 14, 2021)

For something made in China covid keeps on running for a long time doesnt it?

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## ARTESH (Aug 14, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> For something made in China covid keeps on running for a long time doent it?


Well, depends on! They send their garbage and unwanted things here! and first grade to US! if lowest quality, still works, I doubt best quality will not work.

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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2021)




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## at6 (Aug 14, 2021)

Covid. The gift that gives endlessly.

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## ARTESH (Aug 14, 2021)

No words about what is written! read below, please.






I am born in 1996! when I was Five, I could buy a single bus ticket by this! 
200 Rials! It does't exist any more! Speechless! 
Time flows ... I really fill old after seeing this!

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## SaparotRob (Aug 14, 2021)

I know the feeling.

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## ARTESH (Aug 14, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> I know the feeling.


Thank you, dear Rob.

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## Ralph Haus (Aug 14, 2021)

Well, anyone remember these? 

 

and 



Sure has sure changed here as well.

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## ARTESH (Aug 14, 2021)

Nice edit!


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## ThomasP (Aug 15, 2021)

Ever wonder what is going through a cat's mind when they jump like they do?

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## ThomasP (Aug 15, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Aug 15, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 15, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 15, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 637910


First women in the world with a pussy on her back.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 15, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 15, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 637909


yea, That's Batman, but by C!

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 15, 2021)

> *The story of the haircut*





> The story of the haircut
> Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting. One day a florist in Ottawa went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week' The florist was pleased and left the sh
> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
> ...

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## GTX (Aug 15, 2021)

More

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## Gnomey (Aug 15, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Aug 15, 2021)

I never imagined I would go into a bank and they'd tell me to come back with a mask over my face. I started to ask them if I needed to bring a gun too but instead just left and went to the grocery store. 

Something led me to recall an incident described by a man I used to work with.

His mother in law was visiting and he took her and his wife out to lunch. They were in the mall and he suggested a restaurant down the street but the two women insisted on going to an all you can eat buffet there in the mall.

They were at their table eating when there was a splash and coffee flew all over the place. He watched, astonished, as a tiny head popped up out of his wife's coffee cup. Then a mouse climbed out of the cup and proceeded to exit the table, transiting his wife's salad along the way.

My friend sat there and continued to eat his shrimp as the entire place emptied around him. It turned out that there had been water leak that damaged one of the ceiling tiles, so they removed it. A mouse was walking around up there and fell through the hole, making a direct hit on his wife's shoulder and then bouncing into her coffee cup. His wife and mother in law decided they no longer wanted to eat there; he took them to the restaurant he had originally suggested and had to pour couple of bottles of wine into them to get them to calm down.

The mall restaurant had offered them a free meal and about year later he stopped in; the manager remembered the incident and let them eat for free.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 15, 2021)

From michaelmaltby's post #14,880:

"Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut."

So Members of Parliament DO in fact talk to each other after hours!

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## at6 (Aug 16, 2021)

Let's form a band and name it Covid. I'm sure videos on You Tube would go viral.

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## Gnomey (Aug 16, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Aug 16, 2021)

at6 said:


> Let's form a band and name it Covid. I'm sure videos on You Tube would go viral.


Nice Idea! I can sing, but can not play anything.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 16, 2021)

at6 said:


> Let's form a band and name it Covid. I'm sure videos on You Tube would go viral.


I'll play spoons or washboard or tambourine or anything else that's random noise and doesn't require ANY musical skill.

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## ARTESH (Aug 16, 2021)

XBe02Drvr said:


> I'll play spoons or washboard or tambourine or anything else that's random noise and doesn't require ANY musical skill.


How's your singing skill?

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 16, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> How's your singing skill?


Careful what you ask for, or I'll subject you to a sample of it, and you'll regret that question!

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 17, 2021)

XBe02Drvr said:


> Careful what you ask for, or I'll subject you to a sample of it, and you'll regret that question!


So you sound like Justin Bieber?

The horror......

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## SaparotRob (Aug 17, 2021)

GTX said:


> View attachment 637954
> 
> 
> More


So I went into my bank to do banking for my wife and I. I have my mask on. The teller, masked, asks me a question. We have trouble understanding each other. I pass the teller a note. I started laughing as I realized I did the cliche bank robbery note. Strange times.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 17, 2021)

Well, did you get a lot of money you did not ask for?????

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## SaparotRob (Aug 17, 2021)

Nope.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 17, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> So you sound like Justin Bieber?
> 
> The horror......


Hell no! More like T. Rex.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 17, 2021)

I LOVE T. Rex! Bang a gong, GET IT ON!

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## special ed (Aug 17, 2021)

The town banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher. Tom had lost his wife a year before and rumor was that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
The banker asked Tom if the rumor was true and Tom assured him it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November."
The banker, being a wise man, seeing that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty year old man, wanted his friend to have his remaining years happy, suggested Tom should consider getting a hired hand on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course.
Tom agreed and said he would look for one.
Several months later, the banker saw Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?"
Proudly, Tom said, " Great, she's pregnant."
"And how's the hired hand?"
"Good, she's pregnant too."

Never underestimate old guys

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## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 17, 2021)

🤨🤔

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> 🤨🤔
> 
> View attachment 638344


"We been workin' on na railroad...."

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 18, 2021)

‘Blasting music in the dead of night’: China seeks to regulate dancing grannies


Amid growing complaints about the loud music played by the country’s notorious dancing grannies, Beijing considers introducing changes to noise pollution laws.




www.scmp.com

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## MIflyer (Aug 18, 2021)

Saw a Youtube video about a Tu-154 that suffered a total electrical failure over the trackless forests of Siberia. They used a glass of water as an attitude indciator....

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## special ed (Aug 18, 2021)

In books about flying the US mail at night and bad weather in the early 1920s, the pilot would hold his whisky bottle against the panel for a turn and bank indicator.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 18, 2021)

I tried using a small water bottle on a Korean Airlines flight as a turn and bank indicator. My results were disappointing.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> Saw a Youtube video about a Tu-154 that suffered a total electrical failure over the trackless forests of Siberia. They used a glass of water as an attitude indciator....


I once had a student who claimed her sense of balance was so good she could keep the airplane righside up with no attitude reference. So one hazy gray featureless day we went up with a plastic bottle half full of drinking water taped upright to the instrument panel. I put soap stickers over all three gyro instruments and the altimeter, and she put the hood on and told me she would let me know when the plane departed straight and level flight. I eased in a little very gentle left rudder pressure and the plane very gradually eased into a spiral to the left. As the bank angle gradually increased the nose crept below the horizon and the airspeed gradually crept upward. As it did, I smoothly eased the throttle back to keep the engine and prop noise constant. As the bank angle approached sixty degrees and the Gs approached two she said: "You've pulled us into a climb, you tricky bastard!" By this time the nose was well below the horizon, the airspeed had increased by fifteen knots, but I had kept the RPM constant by gradually reducing throttle, and the water in her bottle still indicated straight and level.
At that point I said "Raise your hood, it's your airplane", while bracing my arms to prevent her pulling too hard on the yoke. She showed good airmanship by smoothly rolling wings level, pulling the nose up, going to climb power and pointing us back at the airport, AND THEN giving me what-for.
"There, you slimy bastard! Aviate, navigate, communicate; now it's my turn!", whereupon she ripped the water bottle off the instrument panel, beat me over the head with it, then dumped its contents all over my shirt, laughing her ass off. "When we get back, I'm gonna buy you beers til you fall down. Hubby'll come get me, but you'll be stuck there, 'n you're gonna need that sleeping bag you keep in the ground school closet! Good thing tomorrow's your day off, 'cause you won't be airworthy!"
She went on to a lucrative airline career and retired quite wealthy, spunky sense of humor unabated. One of my more satisfying success stories.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Aug 18, 2021)

My instructor used to do similar things for unusual attitude recovery. I actually enjoyed those training events. I thought they were both fun and educational.

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## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Aug 18, 2021)

People do not realize that airplanes "make their own gravity" in turns. The water will always be level in coordinated turns and in uncoordinated turns it'll likely be splashing all over the place. There are the effects of slosh even in uncoordinated turns but they are unlikely to be noticeable when using small containers. That is why all airplanes do not need inverted oil and fuel systems to simply fly around.

In a group I correspond with by e-mail about mainly non-flying matters, someone said that the P-51 was great but that the Spitfire less great because its engine did not allow inverted flight, "thereby making the airplane less maneuverable, an important consideration in combat." I replied that inverted flight was useless in combat and airplanes equipped with inverted oil and fuel systems were limited to acro demo aircraft. The P-40, P-51, F-86, etc. are limited to 10 sec inverted flight. That brought a firestorm of controversy, saying airplanes had to have the ability to fly upside down, one guy even saying that that you can see films of BF-109's firing at US bombers while inverted. I explained that those 109's were not really inverted but diving through and away from the formation in a Split-S or Immelman and had positive G's the whole time; they said that was absurd. And for some reason added that the Sake engine of the Zero was a scaled down R-1830 (in reality it was based on a 1710 Cu In 1938 French engine). 

Bob Hoover had a routine where he make of video of doing a barrel roll in his Shrike, all while pouring himself a glass of ice tea. 

The term "Whisky Compass" was not because they used whisky bottles for an attitude reference but rather that the alcohol in the liquid-filled compasses became a abverage when they were down on their luck.

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## ThomasP (Aug 18, 2021)

I remember seeing Bob Hoover's demo with the tea, it was really cool.


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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> I replied that inverted flight was useless in combat and airplanes equipped with inverted oil and fuel systems were limited to acro demo aircraft.





MIflyer said:


> saying that that you can see films of BF-109's firing at US bombers while inverted. I explained that those 109's were not really inverted but diving through and away from the formation in a Split-S or Immelman and had positive G's the whole time; they said that was absurd.





MIflyer said:


> Bob Hoover had a routine where he make of video of doing a barrel roll in his Shrike, all while pouring himself a glass of ice tea.


Welcome to the Flat Earth Society! The pigheadedness of upright, one G, sedentary aviation X-spurts knows no bounds. You should capture the image of the armchair aviator wings flyboyJ uses and share it with your deserving friends.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> I remember seeing Bob Hoover's demo with the tea, it was really cool.


I think somewhere back in the murky mists of time someone posted that video on this forum.


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## gumbyk (Aug 18, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> I replied that inverted flight was useless in combat and airplanes equipped with inverted oil and fuel systems were limited to acro demo aircraft. The P-40, P-51, F-86, etc. are limited to 10 sec inverted flight.


The lack of an inverted system was the reason the spitfire had to roll inverted and pull, rather than simply pushing into a dive, so the lack of the inverted system did affect their maneuvers.
That is why the P-51 et al only need 10 sec of negative G capability - it allows them to 'push' the aircraft over. There was no way that they needed sustained inverted flight capability.
There is a difference between inverted flight and negative G.

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## Airframes (Aug 18, 2021)

Blue up, green down - that's good enough for me !

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

gumbyk said:


> The lack of an inverted system was the reason the spitfire had to roll inverted and pull, rather than simply pushing into a dive


Yeah, but it can't fly inverted; you said so yourself! So you roll inverted 'cause you can't fly inverted? What kind of bullshit is that??

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

Airframes said:


> Blue up, green down - that's good enough for me !


But what do you do when blue and green are chasing each other around the dial? What then?


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## gumbyk (Aug 18, 2021)

XBe02Drvr said:


> Yeah, but it can't fly inverted; you said so yourself! So you roll inverted 'cause you can't fly inverted? What kind of bullshit is that??


I hope there's sarcasm in that comment!


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## Greg Boeser (Aug 18, 2021)

Engines with gravity fed carburetors can't do negative G pushes, because that would interfere with the fuel flow. This is not an issue with fuel injected engines. 
Flying inverted (a negative G maneuver) for more than a few seconds causes the oil in the crankcase to drain into the upper portion of the engine, creating a dry sump and the overspeed and damage to the oil pump.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

gumbyk said:


> That is why the P-51 et al only need 10 sec of negative G capability - it allows them to 'push' the aircraft over. There was no way that they needed sustained inverted flight capability.


Our club T34B was designed to sustain 90 seconds of inverted flight due to its pressure injection carb and its "clunk type" fuel and oil header tanks. NATOPS said 90 seconds. FAA certificated Airplane Flight Manual said 30. My own inverted endurance was closer to the P51 et al than the FAA AFM.


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## ARTESH (Aug 18, 2021)

If God really exists, I have only one question for him: What punishment did you envisage for religious fanatics?

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## pbehn (Aug 18, 2021)

XBe02Drvr said:


> Yeah, but it can't fly inverted; you said so yourself! So you roll inverted 'cause you can't fly inverted? What kind of bullshit is that??





gumbyk said:


> The lack of an inverted system was the reason the spitfire had to roll inverted and pull, rather than simply pushing into a dive, so the lack of the inverted system did affect their maneuvers.


I had a discussion about this a while ago but I cant remember who with. Bob Doe thought he would be washed out of training because he hated flying inverted but I assumed the Spitfire/Hurricane couldnt fly inverted because of the problem in the BoB. I was told that they could for a certain period but what they couldnt do was bunt over into a dive, flying inverted is 1G but bunting over is more and the extra Gs flooded the carb/engine. So they half rolled and dived then rolled again maintaining +G.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> Flying inverted (a negative G maneuver) for more than a few seconds causes the oil in the crankcase to drain into the upper portion of the engine, creating a dry sump and the overspeed and damage to the oil pump.


That is, if you don't have scavenge pumps and air/oil separators top and bottom in your engine, as any truly inverted system should.


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## Greg Boeser (Aug 18, 2021)

And how many WW2 era engine models did?


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## buffnut453 (Aug 18, 2021)

XBe02Drvr said:


> But what do you do when blue and green are chasing each other around the dial? What then?



Stomp on the rudder pedals, "pudding basin" the control column, and tell Heavenly Father that he has control!

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 18, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> And how many WW2 era engine models did?


Don't know, but I suspect some Japanese fighters did, as I've read accounts of Zeros and Hayabusas flying inverted for extended periods. The Wright 1820 (out of a T28) we had at mech school had scavenge pumps top and bottom.


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## ThomasP (Aug 18, 2021)

I found out a few years ago that even modern jets (F-14, F-16, MiG-21, etc) can not fly 0g inverted for prolonged periods. Depending on the airframe, the oil system and/or the fuel system will not be able to maintain supply. In my ignorance of modern aircraft design I had assumed that this problem would have been dealt with, but it seems that it is not really considered a problem? IIRC the F-16 is limited to 30 sec in Mil and 10 sec in AB due to the fuel system, while the F-14 is limited to about 30 sec due to the fuel system. I think the MiG-21 is limited by the fuel system.

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## gumbyk (Aug 18, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> I found out a few years ago that even modern jets (F-14, F-16, MiG-21, etc) can not fly 0g inverted for prolonged periods. Depending on the airframe, the oil system and/or the fuel system will not be able to maintain supply. In my ignorance of modern aircraft design I had assumed that this problem would have been dealt with, but it seems that it is not really considered a problem? IIRC the F-16 is limited to 30 sec in Mil and 10 sec in AB due to the fuel system, while the F-14 is limited to about 30 sec due to the oil system. I think the MiG-21 is limited by the fuel system.


It's not only about the aircraft. Operating under sustained negative G is really uncomfortable for the pilot, and 30 seconds is a _really_ long time. Even an aerobatic routine won't likely have sustained negative for 30 seconds.

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## ARTESH (Aug 19, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> I found out a few years ago that even modern jets (F-14, F-16, MiG-21, etc) can not fly 0g inverted for prolonged periods. Depending on the airframe, the oil system and/or the fuel system will not be able to maintain supply. In my ignorance of modern aircraft design I had assumed that this problem would have been dealt with, but it seems that it is not really considered a problem? IIRC the F-16 is limited to 30 sec in Mil and 10 sec in AB due to the fuel system, while the F-14 is limited to about 30 sec due to the oil system. I think the MiG-21 is limited by the fuel system.


I have heard this from a Tomcat pilot. He told: "The American Instructors warned us to not do aerobatics, 0 and Negative G related flights, unless really necessary." The reason as he told, was impacts on Pilot's health and machine limits as well.

Just as a Question: Could it also be related to different Roles they have? I mean that Tomcat is not a Fighter like F-5 or not a Fighter-Bomber like F-4. In other word, different designs for different usage.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 19, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> I found out a few years ago that even modern jets (F-14, F-16, MiG-21, etc) can not fly 0g inverted for prolonged periods.


Didn't you mean "negative one G inverted"? Zero G, whether inverted or upright requires an anti-gravity arc flight profile, which is even more challenging than inverted one G for fuel and lubricant systems, as the fluids tend to float in midair and avoid both top and bottom pickups. In any case the geometry of the flight path and the power of the aircraft severely limit the duration of the zero G condition.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 19, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Just as a Question: Could it also be related to different Roles they have? I mean that Tomcat is not a Fighter like F-5 or not a Fighter-Bomber like F-4. In other word, different designs for different usage.


This is really a Biff question as far as modern times, but back in Vietnam days there wasn't much utility in prolonged inverted flight, other than rolling over briefly to scan below. If your ECM says you've got a SAM coming up, it's kind of handy to roll over and try to spot it. The strobe on your screen tells you about what direction to look and you should pick it up pretty quick.

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## ARTESH (Aug 19, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Aug 19, 2021)

Hey XBe02Drvr,

F-14D manual, from Fuel System section:

"Zero− or negative−g flight longer than 10 seconds in AB or 20 seconds in MIL or less will deplete the fuel sump tanks (cell Nos. 3 and 4), resulting in flameout of both engines."

"AB operation in the 0 to -0.5−g regime may result in air ingestion into the fuel boost pumps, causing possible AB blowout or engine flameout."

From Prohibited Maneuvers section:

". . .

2. During afterburner operations:

e. Sustained 0 to −0.5g flight.

f. Flight from −0.5g to −2.4g’s for more than 10 seconds.

3. At MIL power or less: zero or negative−g flight for more than 20 seconds."

The above is similar to limits for the F-16 which is listed as limited to 10 seconds in AB or 30 seconds in MIL.

Under Prohibited Maneuvers, the F/A-18E,F the manual says: 
". . .

1. Zero-g except transient (over 2 seconds between +0.2 and -0.2g).

2. Negative-g for more than 10 seconds (30 seconds required between negative-g maneuvers)."

I do not have any of the numbers for other modern AC handy right now. They are in my notebooks in my storage locker.

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## ThomasP (Aug 19, 2021)

I am thinking that we are hijacking the Quotes and Jokes thread, and maybe this discussion about fuel feed ability under 0 or negative g should have a thread of its own??

Would the Moderators move the appropriate posts to a new thread??

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## ARTESH (Aug 19, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> I am thinking that we are hijacking the Quotes and Jokes thread, and maybe this discussion about fuel feed ability under 0 or negative g should have a thread of its own??
> 
> Would the Moderators move the appropriate posts to a new thread??


That was an interesting discussion for me! learnt some new things. Thank you.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 19, 2021)

XBe02Drvr said:


> But what do you do when blue and green are chasing each other around the dial? What then?


Panic?

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## MIflyer (Aug 19, 2021)

gumbyk said:


> Operating under sustained negative G is really uncomfortable for the pilot, and 30 seconds is a _really_ long time


Not only that, but all the stuff they dropped when they were doing PDM at the Air Depot tends to come falling down and fill up the canopy. Nuts, bolts, screws, bits of wire, screwdrivers, wrenches, watches, cigarette butts, ham sandwiches, used condoms, small pets, the owner's manual for a 1976 Volare, you name it. 

At OC-ALC they considered installing a removable fabric floor in the A-7D to catch all that stuff.

As for the Spitfire's "unable to push over" carburetor, there were two problems.

1. Simply shoving the stick forward forced all the fuel in the carb float chamber upwards, preventing the engine suction from drawing it from the bottom of the float chamber. This was called the "lean cut." This was fixed by adding a standpipe to the float chamber, thereby giving a path to allow the engine to draw fuel from both the top and bottom of the float chamber.
2. While the engine was not drawing fuel from the float chamber, the float, which had floated up along with the fuel, opened the valve and allowed still more fuel to come into the chamber. When the negative G situation ceased this excess fuel caused a much too rich mixture and the engine power suffered accordingly. This was the "rich cut." The fix for this was devised by a female engineer, inserting an orifice in the line to limit how much fuel could get into the carb.
3. These two fixes were merely stopgaps. The ultimate fix was to Buy American.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 19, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 19, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 19, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 638493


Check 6 check 6!!!! He is on intermidiates now and gaining.

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## ARTESH (Aug 19, 2021)

Never watched a F1 or any other sports from TV! there are 2 channels for sports in Iran, IRIB Varzesh and IRIB 3, But only broadcast Iran's Football games or Very important European Football Games! I've leant more clubs from PES / FIFA PC games rather than our own TV! For Olympics and World Cup, No Opening or ending ceremonies are shown! nor every single game! Only Iran's or very important ones! and all of these are only men's games! Women's games are never shown! nor you, as a male, can enter their games, as spectator!

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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Aug 19, 2021)

0.4 sec you say?

There are people in my neighborhood who like to do that. They are mostly teenagers.

As a result, I invented a way of using the large quantity of rusty roofing nails that I had on hand, dispensed in appropriate locations while I was out doing my running.

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## The Basket (Aug 19, 2021)



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## pbehn (Aug 19, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 638493


F1 fans should learn the new rules, they just got a 5 second penalty. Those kerb stones do look remarkably similar to those at Croft Autodrome, best to take the "normal people" line or you get launched up in the air.

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## Андрей (Aug 19, 2021)

Soon there will be a parade in Kiev in honor of Independence Day. During the rehearsal for the parade, military vehicles were wearing camouflage made of painter's tape.
They position themselves as the strongest army in Europe.

+30 to armor)))

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## ARTESH (Aug 19, 2021)

Андрей said:


> Soon there will be a parade in Kiev in honor of Independence Day. During the rehearsal for the parade, military vehicles were wearing camouflage made of painter's tape.
> They position themselves as the strongest army in Europe.
> 
> +30 to armor)))
> View attachment 638513


A new level of Creation and Innovation!

BTW, Happy Independence Day.

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## MIflyer (Aug 19, 2021)

What? They don't have duct tape?

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## at6 (Aug 20, 2021)



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## Андрей (Aug 20, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> What? They don't have duct tape?


Electrical tape is a strategic resource

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## WARSPITER (Aug 20, 2021)

An older fellow was complaining to his friend....

"I hate the morals of the younger generation. I never had sex with ny wife until we were married. Did you? "

"I don't know, what was her maiden name ?", came the reply...

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## ARTESH (Aug 20, 2021)

Kindness Tree, Cigarette version!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2021)



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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 638657


Got your drone license yet? No? Don't even think of firing up that Cox Baby Bee!

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## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Aug 20, 2021)

Khomeini's reaction to Shah's talking about Solar Energy (1972-3):



> The Shah says that we want to take things [Energy] from sun, What word is this?



Another Famous Quote:



> The University should be A university! A university which is not a university, is not a university.

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## ARTESH (Aug 21, 2021)

I found this photo very interesting and meaningful! His last name, Hess, written "حس", means "Feelings" in Persian and Arabic.

A good "Hess" for Mr. Hess!

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## MIflyer (Aug 21, 2021)

After Desert Storm some of the military figure manufacturers produced figures of sexily dressed women welcoming the troops home.

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## ARTESH (Aug 21, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> After Desert Storm some of the military figure manufacturers produced figures of sexily dressed women welcoming the troops home.


Never heard of this, before!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Aug 22, 2021)

Once my grandmother saw another elderly lady get in her car and start to drive away.

Grandmother: "Edna, you don't have on your glasses!"

Edna: "I don't need my glasses to see far away, just to see up close."

Grandmother: 'You're not going to run into things that are far away!"

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## Wurger (Aug 22, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 22, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Aug 22, 2021)

A friend of mine got about 25 calls the other day from scammers - all with heavy foreign accents - claiming to be the Social Security Admin. He cussed them out.

I told him that instead he should tell them their car's warranty is about to expire and if they will give him their credit card number he'll take care of that problem.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 22, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Aug 22, 2021)

When I was stationed at Fort Stewart we were working in the motor pool one day when one of the mechanics, trying to seat a new tire on a rim, overinflated it until it exploded. The tire blew off the rim, struck the unfortunate mechanic in the face, shattering his jaw and knocking him unconscious, sailed all the way to the ceiling of repair bay, where it left a skid mark, fell back down, striking another soldier, breaking his arm. My squad leader was also the company safety NCO, so had to fill out the accident report.
It read: Sgt Snuffy got tired, so he laid down.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 22, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Aug 22, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 638804


If they had those, they were not "Politicians", they were "Militarians"!

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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Aug 23, 2021)

Just stay calm. A mental health intervention team is on its way.

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## ARTESH (Aug 23, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 638872


No Donkey Shoot!

.
.
.

Oops! Sorry! I meant Don Quichotte

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## ARTESH (Aug 23, 2021)

I believe that the Oscar for the most poetic "shut up" in history goes to this half verse by Kalim Kashani:

"Silence has a reward; why don't you take it ?!"



> Kalim Kashani - Wikipedia
> 
> 
> 
> ...

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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 23, 2021)

Translation:'

US$: 27000 Tomans

Carnot, 1 Kg: 30000 Tomans

Turn whatever "Dollar" you have into Carrots!


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## Greg Boeser (Aug 23, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> I believe that the Oscar for the most poetic "shut up" in history goes to this half verse by Kalim Kashani:
> 
> "Silence has a reward; why don't you take it ?!"


I am so going to steal that!!

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## ARTESH (Aug 23, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> I am so going to steal that!!


Permission Granted!

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 24, 2021)

New York Post: Adie Timmermans has been banned from visiting a male chimp at the Antwerp Zoo in Belgium after officials claimed that their relationship prevented him from bonding with his own kind.

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## at6 (Aug 25, 2021)

Are sure that she's not his kind? Less hair but similar facial expression.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 25, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 25, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 639175


Just as a little Extra: Depends on who you ask this Question, You will get different answers.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 25, 2021)

at6 said:


> Are sure that she's not his kind? Less hair but similar facial expression.


The heart wants what the heart wants.

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## WARSPITER (Aug 25, 2021)

Getting sick of OH&S regulations. Now they have banned blind people from going bungie jumping.

Reason ? Apparently it's because it scares the #$%* out of the dogs.

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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Aug 25, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 639106
> 
> New York Post: Adie Timmermans has been banned from visiting a male chimp at the Antwerp Zoo in Belgium after officials claimed that their relationship prevented him from bonding with his own kind.


Caesar"s plastic surgery has gone horribly wrong.

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## special ed (Aug 25, 2021)

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
"That happens in every country, son."

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## WARSPITER (Aug 26, 2021)

Young girl comes home from school. Dad is reading the paper in the lounge and she asks him,
"Dad. Where did humans come from ?"
"Well, he says, we were created by a higher being we know as God -in his image ".
Girl goes into the kitchen and asks Mother the same question.
Mum says," Well - we used to be apes but we evolved and came down out of the trees to be who we are now".
Girl is confused - goes back to Dad and tells him what mum said. "Which is right ?", the girl asks.
Dad says, "Both are right dear, Your Mother is talking about her side of the family and I was referring to mine."

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## WARSPITER (Aug 26, 2021)

Previous post may help to explain the New York Post photo at the top of this page....

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## Wurger (Aug 26, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 26, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Aug 26, 2021)

Breaking in Mosque! 

Paris 2024 Qualifications!

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## fubar57 (Aug 26, 2021)

In Google search, type in "Florida man" plus your birth date. I was not disappointed

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## ARTESH (Aug 26, 2021)

fubar57 said:


> In Google search, type in "Florida man" plus your birth date. I was not disappointed
> 
> View attachment 639316​



I like mine!



> Police: Florida man tries to exchange marijuana for food at McDonald's
> 
> 
> PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (WTXL) - A Florida man has been arrested after he tried to exchange marijuana for food at a McDonald's drive-thru.
> ...

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 26, 2021)

... luv them wings

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## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2021)




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## Bernhart (Aug 26, 2021)

Got a foot sniffer in a library


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## special ed (Aug 26, 2021)

Two WW2 vets in their 90s:
"Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war to make us forget about women?"
"I think you mean salt peter."
"Yep, that's the stuff. I think it's beginning to work."

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## Wayne Little (Aug 27, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 27, 2021)

True...


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## buffnut453 (Aug 27, 2021)

Actually, the Beer Consumption metric is proportionate to one's (a) susceptibility to peer pressure, (b) belief that one has a good voice, (c) perception of being able to sing ANY song on the playlist (including those that you've never heard before), and (d) ability to maintain a steady rhythm. Thus all other drivers are influenced by the Beer Consumption factor.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 27, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> Actually, the Beer Consumption metric is proportionate to one's (a) susceptibility to peer pressure, (b) belief that one has a good voice, (c) perception of being able to sing ANY song on the playlist (including those that you've never heard before), and (d) ability to maintain a steady rhythm. Thus all other drivers are influenced by the Beer Consumption factor.


Are you then saying it's really "Beer Pressure"?

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## buffnut453 (Aug 27, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> Are you then saying it's really "Beer Pressure"?



I'm sure there's an equation for that.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 27, 2021)

"... (a) susceptibility to peer pressure, (b) belief that one has a good voice, (c) perception of being able to sing ANY song on the playlist (including those that you've never heard before), and (d) ability to maintain a steady rhythm. Thus all other drivers are influenced by the Beer Consumption factor."

That sounds troublingly similar to what I've read about dating hot chicks

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 27, 2021)



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## GTX (Aug 27, 2021)

I don't see what's funny about that


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## fubar57 (Aug 27, 2021)

Mike likes to get political

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## at6 (Aug 27, 2021)

GTX said:


> I don't see what's funny about that


It's about the irony of the departments that they are taking over. There are no freedoms and as for science an education, they look a little inbred.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 27, 2021)

Now that's funny!

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 27, 2021)

at6 said:


> It's about the irony of the departments that they are taking over. There are no freedoms and as for science an education, they look a little inbred.


It's 630 AD in 2021, Mecca is retaken, and the Battle of Hunayn has just been won.

The Battle of Hunayn (Arabic: غَـزوة حُـنـيـن‎, Ghazwah Hunayn) was fought by the Islamic Prophet Muhammad and his followers against the Bedouin tribe of Hawazin and its subsection the Thaqif, in 630 CE, in the Hunayn valley, on the route from Mecca to At-Ta’if. The battle ultimately ended in a decisive victory for the Muslims, who captured enormous spoils. It is mentioned in Surat at-Tawbah of the Qur’an, and is one of the few battles mentioned by name in the Qur’an.[5][6] (Wikipedia)

Expect governance to conform to scriptural precedent, the ultimate goal of all religious fundamentalists.

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## Zipper730 (Aug 27, 2021)

GTX said:


> I don't see what's funny about that


It's the absurdity of it that's funny: People who are opposed to press freedom, and have a dim attitude towards science, rights of women, and education are put in positions where they are in charge of them. It's like a cat being in charge of the safety of mice

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## Gnomey (Aug 27, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Aug 27, 2021)

Saw a Youtube video the other day. A camera and alarm caught a porch pirate. He ran out and jumped in his car, but there was snow on the ground and as a result he got it hung up on the curb. The front wheels were just spinning. The homeowner went out and told the crook that the cops were on the way and then pointed out why the car was not getting unstuck.

Then the homeowner asked his wife, "Are the police on the way?" She replied, "I don't know the phone number."

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 27, 2021)

There is a guy who plants fake parcels in neighborhoods that have been plagued by porch thieves.
It is a cunning device that when opened sprays glitter everywhere and releases a powerful fart spray. It also has a hidden camera to capture the expression of the would be thief.

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## nuuumannn (Aug 27, 2021)

On the slightly controversial subject of religious fundamentalism, a recent headline after incessant 9/11 conspiracy theories; "Al Qaeda spokesman objects to claims that 9/11 was an inside job"...

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## at6 (Aug 28, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> There is a guy who plants fake parcels in neighborhoods that have been plagued by porch thieves.
> It is a cunning device that when opened sprays glitter everywhere and releases a powerful fart spray. It also has a hidden camera to capture the expression of the would be thief.


I've seen the videos and found them to a form of poetic justice. I wouldn't use glitter. It would be dog poop.


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## Snautzer01 (Aug 28, 2021)

at6 said:


> I've seen the videos and found them to a form of poetic justice. I wouldn't use glitter. It would be dog poop.


I would like to use claymores.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 28, 2021)

at6 said:


> I've seen the videos and found them to a form of poetic justice. I wouldn't use glitter. It would be dog poop.





Snautzer01 said:


> I would like to use claymores.


Even better, there's a guy who uses a paint spray bomb that's indelible and has magnetic signature nanoparticles in it. Included in each of his packages is a cell phone that makes a prerecorded 9-11 call and gives GPS coordinates, as well as uploading any video it captures.

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## MIflyer (Aug 28, 2021)

I posted a link to a guy who does that porch pirate sabotage and then branched out to Internet and Phone scammers.

While he does not use poop in addition to and exploding glitter bomb and recording videos of the culprits, he does include a spray bottle of various substances, including skunk extract. The smell typically leads them to take it to some dumpster, and GPS tell them whre to go retrieve the bomb.

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## ARTESH (Aug 28, 2021)

GTX said:


> I don't see what's funny about that


Well It is hard to completely explain it, without mentioning some historical / political and religious sides of it!

The best short answer that not cross any rules, would be something like:

It is funny, because none of those, exist IRL.

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## ARTESH (Aug 28, 2021)



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## GTX (Aug 28, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Well It is hard to completely explain it, without mentioning some historical / political and religious sides of it!
> 
> The best short answer that not cross any rules, would be something like:
> 
> It is funny, because none of those, exist IRL.


I appreciate and understand the irony. My comment was more that I do not find it the slightest bit humorous given the tragedy that's unfolding in Afghanistan.

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 29, 2021)

Humor is a way to lessen the horror. There is nothing we can do about the Taliban takeover of Afghanistan, so we make fun of them instead.
When I was deployed to Iraq back in 2003, there was a tragic blue on blue in which a Patriot missile battery accidently shot down a RAF Tornado. Naturally this caused some anger among our British coalition partners. Someone wrote some derogatory comments about the US Army in one of the porta-johns, to which one of my colleagues responded "Buy some stealthy, ya cheap bastards!" Another comment, "If you don't want us to shoot at you, stop painting targets on your planes!" 
We laugh, so we don't cry.

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## Gnomey (Aug 29, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Aug 29, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Aug 29, 2021)

In WWII at a meeting of senior USAAF and RAF officers, Gen Spaatz said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you we hit the Hamburg cathedral yesterday."

RAF Air Marshall "Bomber" Harris replied, "Excellent! I've been aiming at that thing for over a year!"

In the big raid before "Black Thursday" on Munster the aiming point was the Munster Cathedral. It was not that the 8th AF had it in for churches but because they figured if they aimed for that target the bombs would fall short and hit the RR yards and the adjacent housing for the people who worked there.

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## ARTESH (Aug 29, 2021)

Some literature!



> A letter to Yuri Gagarin:





> Gagarin! O unspoken poem of the earth ...
> You are born in a country whose general goal is equality, minus God ...
> This becomes a horizontal line.
> Your cousin, Alan Shepherd, is the son of a country that wants something called freedom, plus God ...
> ...



Karapet "Karo" Derderian (1928, Hamedan, Iran --- 2008, Glendale, California, U.S.)

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## special ed (Aug 29, 2021)

Warning!
Smart ass comment:
"My wife's an angel !"
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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## Wurger (Aug 29, 2021)




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## Zipper730 (Aug 29, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> In the big raid before "Black Thursday" on Munster the aiming point was the Munster Cathedral. It was not that the 8th AF had it in for churches but because they figured if they aimed for that target the bombs would fall short and hit the RR yards and the adjacent housing for the people who worked there.


Not to kill the buzz, I thought they selected it as an aim-point because it was easy to pick up

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Aug 29, 2021)

An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here !"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now you look !"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?"

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?" 

The AirBus pilot laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, but Smarter.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 29, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
> 
> The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here !"
> 
> ...


There are several people I’d like to read this. One just might be lurking now.

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## cammerjeff (Aug 29, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
> 
> The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here !"
> 
> ...


We used to tell a similar story but with an F15 & a 747-400, the F15 Pilot would do the same stunts, the 747 Captain would respond saying he had shut down 2 engines and asked the F15 if it could do the same?

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## MIflyer (Aug 29, 2021)

Zipper730 said:


> Not to kill the buzz, I thought they selected it as an aim-point because it was easy to pick up



Yes, and they selected it as an aiming point because they could see if from 20,000 ft plus - and the natural short bombing tendency would hit the target they desired.

So even the guys who are opposed to the Area Bombing approach and do not advocate de-housing of the German population do horrible sounding things.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 29, 2021)

need a good laugh right now .....

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## buffnut453 (Aug 29, 2021)

cammerjeff said:


> We used to tell a similar story but with an F15 & a 747-400, the F15 Pilot would do the same stunts, the 747 Captain would respond saying he had shut down 2 engines and asked the F15 if it could do the same?



The same general story has been repeated in multiple variations, with F-15s, F-16s etc being the sharp, pointy things and everything from C-130s to C-5s to C-17s etc. being the trundling transport. I've even heard it told with the B-52 being the sedentary platform.

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## special ed (Aug 29, 2021)

I have a tee shirt that says: S.O.S.
slower, older, smarter
My last daughter says it's only partly true.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 29, 2021)

....will someone help me understand! 😳😲

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## Wurger (Aug 29, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Aug 29, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Aug 29, 2021)

Driving while stupid.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 29, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 29, 2021)



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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 29, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, but Smarter.





SaparotRob said:


> There are several people I’d like to read this. One just might be lurking now.


Check six, buddy, I'm onto you! "Accident" in your future.

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## ThomasP (Aug 29, 2021)

The other Ladybugs wondered if Bob was going to eat the Dandelion seed . . .








Bob was known to be eccentric.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 29, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> The other Ladybugs wondered if Bob was going to eat the Dandelion seed . . .
> View attachment 639784
> 
> View attachment 639785
> ...


And Sir George Cayley, Lilienthal, and the Wright Brothers all thought they were first!

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## ThomasP (Aug 29, 2021)



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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 30, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 639791


Looks like an attempted heavy lift operation! Poor guy's hanging on for dear life.

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## ARTESH (Aug 30, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> The moral of the story is:
> 
> When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
> 
> This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, but Smarter.


That was interesting. Agree with that.


Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 639769


Fu ck, it is salt!

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## ARTESH (Aug 30, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> The other Ladybugs wondered if Bob was going to eat the Dandelion seed . . .
> View attachment 639784
> 
> View attachment 639785
> ...


Now I have an Idea of what "Lighter than air" means!

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 30, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Now I have an Idea of what "Lighter than air" means!


No you havent. Both objects, Bob and the flower are heavier then air i am afraid.

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## XBe02Drvr (Aug 30, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Now I have an Idea of what "Lighter than air" means!





Snautzer01 said:


> No you havent. Both objects, Bob and the flower are heavier then air i am afraid.


"Tongue in cheek". Dont you get it?

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 30, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 30, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Aug 30, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Aug 30, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> ....will someone help me understand! 😳😲
> 
> View attachment 639754


Sure. He didn't want to make two trips.

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## michaelmaltby (Aug 31, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Aug 31, 2021)



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## Wurger (Aug 31, 2021)




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## GTX (Aug 31, 2021)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 639995

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## GTX (Aug 31, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Aug 31, 2021)




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## Guchi (Sep 2, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 610262


The sad part is that his stash is not even close to my “collection”!

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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 2, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Sep 2, 2021)

Anyone ever seen one of the many vids “If the First World War was a bar fight “? There are several WW2 versions as well. Those Nordic Cats snoozing reminded me of it.

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## ARTESH (Sep 2, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 640235


I wonder how many TNT / C4 's they can carry? I think I need 1 or 2! maybe 3! or even 4, maybe more!

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## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Sep 4, 2021)

One Friday evening a man with three daughters answered a knock on the door.

A young man stood there, saying, "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to get Betty. We're going to get spaghetti." The father told Betty that Freddy was there.

A few minutes later there was another knock on the door. The young man there said, 'I'm Louie. I'm here to get Susie. We're going to a movie." The father went and told Susie her movie date was there.

Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. A young man there said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..."

The father shot him.

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## Wurger (Sep 4, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Sep 4, 2021)

Did you hear about the prostitute that got run over by a bus?
It was whore-ible.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 4, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> Did you hear about the prostitute that got run over by a bus?
> It was whore-ible.


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## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Sep 4, 2021)

Aren't you glad I didn't say train?

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## WARSPITER (Sep 5, 2021)

That would make us think you have a one track mind

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## WARSPITER (Sep 5, 2021)

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Usually I let her sleep in.

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## MIflyer (Sep 6, 2021)

Prior to Desert Storm the A-10 was deemed too vulnerable in combat due to its low speed. It was going to be replaced by the F-16. I talked to the officer that ran the tests on the F-16 doing the A-10 mission. It could do a fine job of defending the Officers' Club from enemy forces marshalling in the vicinity of the Base Exchange - but if the target was actually outside of the airfield traffic pattern ..... not so good.

Then Stormin' Norman said, "Get me every A-10 you got!"

The results:

Number of A-10's shot down: 4
Number of F-16's shot down: 4

Number of A-10 aircraft kills: 3
Number of F-16 aircraft kills: 0

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## SaparotRob (Sep 6, 2021)

Go Warthog!


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## Glider (Sep 6, 2021)

For some reason my wife insists on calling the A10 the Bullfrog. When asked why, she pointed out that the two engines look to her the eyes you get on a bullfrog.

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## GTX (Sep 6, 2021)



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## GTX (Sep 6, 2021)



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## GTX (Sep 6, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 6, 2021)

GTX said:


> View attachment 640646



What the IPMS club?

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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Sep 6, 2021)

1700s group build.

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 6, 2021)

The US Naval Academy has a very large collection in its museum.

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## ARTESH (Sep 6, 2021)

GTX said:


> View attachment 640647


Nice!!! 

No drug is more harmful than "religious fanaticism". It turns you into a bloodthirsty zombie!






Religious fanaticism - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org

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## ARTESH (Sep 6, 2021)

Wurger said:


> What the IPMS club?


A wild guess is Noah's Ark.

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## syscom3 (Sep 6, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Sep 6, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 640678


underground aquariums co ltd

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## WARSPITER (Sep 6, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 640678


Dual use for Goldfish - when they die......

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## Wurger (Sep 7, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 640678




Remains to be seen ... like Kim Jong-il

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## Gnomey (Sep 7, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 7, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Sep 8, 2021)

There is a joke about most common names in Iran:



> There are 4 types of People:
> 
> Mohammad's - Ali's - Fatemeh's and Zahra's.
> 
> The rest, are their friends.

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## Gnomey (Sep 8, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Sep 9, 2021)

One day a father sat down with his teenaged son. "Johnny, tomorrow you start school. You know, now that we've moved from a small town to this big city, things are going to be different. Everyone knew each other where we lived before but that's not the case here. You are going to find that in that high school there are groups, cliques, and there might even be gangs. You are going to have make friends but be careful not to get on any group's bad side. If something happens and you are asked what occurred or what you saw, the best thing to do is to say you were not involved, did not see or hear anything, and don't know anything about it."

Johnny promised to remember his Dad's warning and it was only a few weeks before he had an occasion to do so.

One day in History class the teacher said, "We are going to be getting into 20th Century history this year and I'd like to find out how much you students already know about events that occured in your or your parents and grandparents lifetimes." She began asking questions of specific members of the class.

She called on Johnny. "Johnny, who shot Ronald Reagan?"

Johnny at once recalled his father's advice. "I don't know. I was not there. I did not see anything. I didn't hear anything. I don't know anything about it."

The teacher replied, "Oh, I don't like that smartass answer, young man! You are going to see the principle, right now!"

The principle asked Johnny the same question and he gave the same answer. "'Okay, young man, if that is your attitude I think you'd better go home for the day. I am calling your parents."

His father picked Johnny up in front of the school and asked what happened. Johnny told him and added, "And I did not even know there was any kid named Ronald Reagan in our school or that he had been shot."

His father shook his head and finally said, "Good going son! You did the right thing! You know, I never told you this, but when I was your age they sat me down and grilled me about what happened to some kid named Kennedy."

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## SaparotRob (Sep 9, 2021)

Saw that one coming. But I got the same advice.

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## Gnomey (Sep 9, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Sep 10, 2021)

Systematic poverty means the decline of humanity!

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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Sep 10, 2021)

Then the phone sales calls started, then came the running . . . and the screaming.

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## XBe02Drvr (Sep 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 641079


No, it was because women were becoming frigid.

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## MIflyer (Sep 11, 2021)

In May of 1975 a tornado made a low altitude airshow demonstration pass right down the middle of our apartment complex in Midwest City, OK. Among other damage, it destroyed a storage building on the West side of the parking lot, throwing the debris into the complex. The apartment next to mine suffered a 3 foot hole in the roof and a 57 Chevy received a dent over a foot deep from a errant Dempsy Dumpster that busted out of its RR tie corral. The storage building proved to be infested with tarantulas and someone told me that a little girl in the parking lot had one jump on her.

Late one afternoon a week or so later I had just finished a run, had removed my shirt, and was walking around the parking lot, cooling off. Then something jumped on my leg....

I KNEW what it was and swung my shirt down to knock it off. During the swing I realized that it was not a tarantula but some other kind of bug that looked like a grasshopper built along the same design features as a C-5A. Despite this higher brain function reporting and analysis I was unable to prevent myself from not only knocking the insect off my leg but also jumping up and down my shirt. From a lofty position the Personal Command Authority was issuing abort orders but the rest of me just kept beating the tar out of the shirt.

It's kind of like that scene in the Big Red One where Lee Marvin says to Mark Hamil, "You got him." Hamil just puts another clip in his Garand and keeps shooting.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 11, 2021)

Swatting a tarantula with a shirt? That'll just make the tarantula angry.

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## MIflyer (Sep 11, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> Swatting a tarantula with a shirt? That'll just make the tarantula angry.



That was 1975. Now I have a Garand.

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## Gnomey (Sep 11, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Sep 11, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> That was 1975. Now I have a Garand.



Which gives you 3 possible outcomes: deafen the tarantula, kill the tarantula, or shoot yourself in the foot/leg. The 3 are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

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## ARTESH (Sep 12, 2021)

When the judge asks the killer of Anwar al-Sadat, the president of Egypt, who was a member of the Islamic Jihad group: Why did you kill him? The killer replies: He was a secularist. The judge says: Do you know the meaning of secular? The killer says: No, I do not know.

In the failed assassination of Najib Mahfouz, the Nobel Prize-winning Egyptian writer, the judge asks the assassin': Why did you stab Najib? "Because of his writings, especially the "children in our neighborhood." says assassin. The judge says: Have you read the book? The assailant says: No.

The judge asks the killer of the Egyptian poet and writer Faraj Fouda: Why did you kill him? The killer says: He is an infidel. The judge says to the killer: How did you come to this conclusion? The killer says: from his books. The judge says: Have you read his books? The killer replies: No, I am not literate at all.









Farag Foda - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org













Naguib Mahfouz - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org













Anwar Sadat - Wikipedia







en.wikipedia.org

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 12, 2021)

Lets try and keep this thread for what it is about. Funny jokes and quotes.

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 12, 2021)

In history class the teacher is lecturing about the various Catholic religious orders: 
"The Dominicans were founded in the 13th Century to combat the Albigensian heresy.
The Jesuits were founded in the 16th Century to combat the Protestant Revolution."
Johnny raises his hand - "Which one is better?"
The teacher replied: "Well, how many Albigensians do you know?"

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## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Sep 12, 2021)

“I will not stay silent."

Oh, both those last two were hilarious.

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## ARTESH (Sep 13, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Sep 13, 2021)

Somehow iranian humor can do with subtitles.

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## michaelmaltby (Sep 13, 2021)

beauty is_ universal,_ Herr General

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 13, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> beauty is_ universal,_ Herr General


No it is not, nor is beauty timeless.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Sep 13, 2021)

Yup, sounds like the nuns I had in school.

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## at6 (Sep 13, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Somehow iranian humor can do with subtitles.


Sort of like Korean Soap Operas?

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## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2021)



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## at6 (Sep 13, 2021)

A man and his girlfriend walk into a pet store. A Parrot started yelling Polly wants a crack her. Polly wants a crack at her. The man says, Says, stupid bird! The Parrot looked at him and said, Oh yeah? Let's see you eat with your pecker!

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## ThomasP (Sep 13, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Sep 14, 2021)

at6 said:


> Sort of like Korean Soap Operas?


Never watched one. To bubbly for me.

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## ARTESH (Sep 14, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 641513


Actually I believe it was more fun back in when you were at my age!!!

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## at6 (Sep 14, 2021)

You must be a baby. I was a teenager back then.

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## ARTESH (Sep 14, 2021)

at6 said:


> You must be a baby. I was a teenager back then.


If it's between 1995 - 2000, Yes! 
If it predates 1995, Then I didn't exist!

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## MIflyer (Sep 14, 2021)

Boring? Well, there was the challenge of keeping those tube-type TV sets working and re-orienting the TV antenna for the best picture.

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## special ed (Sep 14, 2021)



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## special ed (Sep 14, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Sep 14, 2021)

In the 60's they used a B-52 to test an engine for the C-5A. Proxmire or someone in Congress saw that and said we should re-engine the B-52's so we did not have to buy new bombers. Studies indicated that with four such engines replacing the eight then the airplane would be unable to land at idle thrust and if two engines went out on one wing trying to maintain straight ahead flight would snap the vertical tail off.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 14, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 641558


Ya' know, this might be closer to the truth than we think.

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## special ed (Sep 14, 2021)



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## special ed (Sep 14, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Sep 14, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Sep 14, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 14, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 14, 2021)



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## gumbyk (Sep 14, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 641640


Shouldn't this be in the Covid thread?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 14, 2021)

gumbyk said:


> Shouldn't this be in the Covid thread?



I thought about it…lol

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 14, 2021)

"Is it a right to remain ignorant?" Apparently in Oregon it is.


Oregon scraps math, English high school graduation requirements

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## at6 (Sep 15, 2021)

I heard about that. That means that schools are staffed by over paid baby sitters. Next it will be California. Hell, the kids here are already dumb enough.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 15, 2021)

I'm struggling to understand why removing the maths requirement makes things "more equitable". Seems to me that it simply perpetuates the under-representation of some ethnic groups in engineering and the sciences. Given the prevalence of software development and technology jobs in today's marketplace, surely increasing maths skills is more relevant to the workforce...or am I missing something?

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 15, 2021)

The goal is to make everybody equally stupid

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## at6 (Sep 15, 2021)

Stupid are as stupid do. all we need are inbred morons becoming doctors. No Gnomey, we weren't referring to you. You come from a competent generation.

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## MIflyer (Sep 15, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> The goal is to make everybody equally stupid



Solzhenitsyn: "Communism is Militant Mediocrity."

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## michaelmaltby (Sep 15, 2021)

"... Shouldn't this be in the Covid thread?"
No .. that would be Politicxl

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## ThomasP (Sep 15, 2021)

re education and "Is it a right to remain ignorant?"

Yes . . . according to past and present US law, and past and present US education traditions (public and private) . . . and it is evident in the US historical record. All you have to do is look at the ignorance displayed by people, more obvious at some times in US history than at others.

Whether it should be a right has been debated repeatedly over the years, including what standards should be met. It has continued to be a de-facto right largely due to the source of the primary education problem, ie the parents. There is no practical way to consistently defeat the ignorance inducing effect of a child's parents - the parent's influence is just too great. In some cases the resulting ignorance is intentional on the part of the parent, but most often is due to the ignorance of the parent. As we have often discussed in this forum, history is a good example of the parent induced ignorance effect.

But part of the stated focus of the US public education system (from its inception in the late-1800s) has always been to prevent marginalization of the less knowledgable - and the intent has never been to prevent a child from being able to get a job, or even making it harder to get a job based on their grades. The exact opposite is the case, ie the intent has been/still is to socially integrate the population - to whatever degree practical - through common experience, understanding (including whatever academic knowledge they are able to impart to the child), and thereby provide opportunity.

Oh, and children were just as stupid in our day as today.  I remember.

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## special ed (Sep 15, 2021)

Ignorance can be cured. Not so much stupid.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 15, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> "... Shouldn't this be in the Covid thread?"
> No .. that would be Politicxl



What is political about it?

You skirt the political fine line more than anyone…

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 15, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> What is political about it?
> 
> You *skirt* the political fine line more than anyone…


Wot? He wears a skirt?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 15, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Wot? He wears a skirt?



Whatever floats his boat.  

Does not effect my life one bit. I wish others would figure that out.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 15, 2021)

special ed said:


> Ignorance can be cured. Not so much stupid.



But both can be muffled with the judicious application of duct tape.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 15, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Wot? He wears a skirt?



Doesn't everyone these days? I thought it was part of the uniform.

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## vikingBerserker (Sep 15, 2021)

I used to when I was in a Pipe Band and identified as a Scotsman.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 15, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> Doesn't everyone these days? I thought it was part of the uniform.


It isn’t? Uh oh.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 15, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> It isn’t? Uh oh.



That'll put a damper on Friday nights, huh?

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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 15, 2021)

Finally a chance to post this.


I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day

I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Papa

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 16, 2021)



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## at6 (Sep 16, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> It isn’t? Uh oh.


Please don't tell us that you forgot to put it on before going out.

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## special ed (Sep 16, 2021)

Normal people believe, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe, "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features."

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## ARTESH (Sep 16, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 641634


Just trying to imagine Iranian's reaction to this!!!

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## ARTESH (Sep 16, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 641640


Technically me when I was at Kindergarten! I had to learn Persian, English, Arabic, Armenian, ad our own Language, Syriac! Still sometimes mess up these! specially when there are multiple tabs opened in Explorer! Also I should learn 6 calendars , 2 Twins (Islamic and Chritian) + Jewish and Armenian ones...

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## GTX (Sep 16, 2021)

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... 

Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! 

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? 

Guy: Sure, I love to drink. 

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway. 

Guy: Gee, that sounds great! 

Satan: You a smoker? 

Guy: You better believe it! 

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? 

Guy: Wow... that's awesome! 

Satan: I bet you like to gamble. 

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. 

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. 

Do you do drugs?? 

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... 

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. 

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! 

Satan: You gay? 

Guy: No... 

Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 16, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Sep 16, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 17, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 17, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 17, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Sep 17, 2021)

One day the Lord calls down to Hell just to check up on things. He asks Satan, "How's it going?"

"Great!" says Satan. "We got an engineer and now we got air conditioning, ice tea, beer, ice cream, stock car races, pizza, and elevators to the surface. We're putting in a swimming pool next!"

The Lord replies, "That was a mistake! All the engineers come up here! Send him to me or I'll sue!"

"Look, Almighty," replies Satan, "You better forget that. I only got one engineer but I got ALL the lawyers!"

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## Wurger (Sep 17, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Sep 17, 2021)

Officer: "Sir, do you realize that the maximum speed here is 55 miles per hour?"

Driver: "Well, I wasn't going to be out that long."

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## special ed (Sep 17, 2021)

Officer: "I've been waiting for you all day."
Speeder: "I got here as fast as I could."

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## special ed (Sep 17, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Sep 17, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Sep 18, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 641886


Will inform you later!

* they are looking for 10$/day ...

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## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Sep 19, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Sep 19, 2021)

That sounds like here!

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## michaelmaltby (Sep 19, 2021)

Norm McDonald

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## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2021)




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## Airframes (Sep 20, 2021)

A (long ) variation of one of my favourite jokes.

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## special ed (Sep 20, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Sep 20, 2021)

My middle son bought me a daily calendar of "Dad Jokes" for Christmas....so here are a few of the latest ones:

What breed of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

I woke up this morning and found I was lying in the fireplace. Seems I slept like a log!

What happens when you get stuck between two alpacas? You get llamanated.


And, yes, coat is donned ready for the quick getaway!!!!

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## Airframes (Sep 20, 2021)

And so it should be !!!

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## buffnut453 (Sep 20, 2021)

Airframes said:


> And so it should be !!!



You joining me for the 100 yds dash, Terry?

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 20, 2021)

He is ahead off you. Practice makes perfect. Usain tried it once. He does not talk about it.

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## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 20, 2021)



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## special ed (Sep 21, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2021)




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## Guchi (Sep 21, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 490942


Now I bow my head down in awe!
My wife will NEVER complain about my piddly collection EVER again!!

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## special ed (Sep 21, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 21, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Sep 22, 2021)

A: What do you call someone who only likes Persian rice?

B: A riceist!

----

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower
So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my salary.

Finally he asks the Iranian. The Iranian architect says I charge 9 Millions. The agent asks surprisingly "How come?!"

The Iranian replies: "You take 3M, I take 3M and we pay 3M to the Chinese to build the tower"

---

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## special ed (Sep 22, 2021)



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## bdefen (Sep 22, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 639106
> 
> New York Post: Adie Timmermans has been banned from visiting a male chimp at the Antwerp Zoo in Belgium after officials claimed that their relationship prevented him from bonding with his own kind.


The missing link.

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## bdefen (Sep 22, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> There is a guy who plants fake parcels in neighborhoods that have been plagued by porch thieves.
> It is a cunning device that when opened sprays glitter everywhere and releases a powerful fart spray. It also has a hidden camera to capture the expression of the would be thief.


Like the explosive dye-bomb banks used to place in the loot when they were robbed. When the perp went out the door, electronic devices at the door would trigger the bomb sensors. (kind of like today's door-exit shoplifting alarms). Either within a pre-set time, or when Jesse James handled the loot, the bomb would explode, coating Mr. James and his crew with a profoundly indelible and highly visible red dye.

I was a bank branch auditor, and our procedures required that we check on the dye-bombs to see that their batteries had been changed regularly. One fellow auditor had seen the aftermath of an explosion. Lots of new clothes required, and some serious scrubbing to remove the dye.

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## Gnomey (Sep 22, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 22, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 22, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 22, 2021)

A man walked into Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips, Joe asks, "What's up?"
The man explains he is taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?! Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians. You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA."
"TWA?! They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where are you staying in Rome?"
We'll be at the International Marriot."
"THAT DUMP?! That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service surly, slow and overpriced! So whatcha doing while you are there?"
"We're going to see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it."
A month later the man comes in for his regular haircut. 
Joe says, " Well, how was that trip to Rome? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life."
"No quite the opposite. Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but since it was full, they bumped us to first class. The food and wine was great and we had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on us continuously."
"Well, I bet the hotel was just as I described."
"No, just the opposite. They just finished a $25 million remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome now. They were overbooked, so they gave us the Presidential suite at no extra charge."
"Well, I KNOW you didn't see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, A Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and would I be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough , the Pope walked in and shook my hand. I knelt as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asked, "Tell me, please. What did he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where did you get that awful haircut?' "

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 22, 2021)




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## bdefen (Sep 22, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 642137


Maybe I've missed the humor here, but I can find a flaw in his logic....that little shithead is mistaken. If Mr. Bezos gave each of the 7.8 billion people on this earth ONE DOLLAR, he would still have his $177.5 billion left. Gee, what a nice gift. Perhaps Mr. Logician is yet another product of the public education system in the U.S.A.

Now, if Mr. Bezos gave each of the 7.8 billion people on this earth $10, totaling $78 billion, he'd still have $107.3 billion left over. Again, gee, what a nice gift.

Now in order for Mr. Bezos to still have some walking money on hand, and to still have some loot for another spaceship ride, let's say $10 billion, he can give each of the 7.8 billion folks on earth $22.47 each. Man, what a great Christmas they're going to have.

If you're going to tax (eat) the rich, at least have your numbers right.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 22, 2021)

bdefen said:


> Maybe I've missed the humor here, but I can find a flaw in his logic....that little shithead is mistaken. If Mr. Bezos gave each of the 7.8 billion people on this earth ONE DOLLAR, he would still have his $177.5 billion left. Gee, what a nice gift. Perhaps Mr. Logician is yet another product of the public education system in the U.S.A.
> 
> Now, if Mr. Bezos gave each of the 7.8 billion people on this earth $10, totaling $78 billion, he'd still have $107.3 billion left over. Again, gee, what a nice gift.
> 
> ...



Calm down Nancy. The joke definitely went over your head…

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## bdefen (Sep 22, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Calm down Nancy. The joke definitely went over your head…


Perhaps.....some guys can tell a joke, and some guys can't.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 22, 2021)

bdefen said:


> Perhaps.....some guys can tell a joke, and some guys can't.



The joke was the fact the math does not add up. Look at the bottom part with the kid and the comment.

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 23, 2021)

I have a sister, (why, yes, she _is _blonde,) who often gets the joke about ten minutes after everybody else has stopped laughing.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 23, 2021)

special ed said:


> A man walked into Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips, Joe asks, "What's up?"
> The man explains he is taking a vacation to Rome.
> "ROME?! Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians. You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
> "We're taking TWA."
> ...



I demand a refund of the time it took me to read that joke!

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## special ed (Sep 23, 2021)

Some peoples minds need one liners. So, no shaggy dog stories for you.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 24, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Sep 24, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 642533


Audi = five zeroes 
four on the grille and one behind the steering wheel.
Best movie line ever.

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## VERSUCH (Sep 25, 2021)

LOTUS--Lots of Trouble Usually Serious.

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## ARTESH (Sep 25, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 642533


I wonder what "Lada", "Dacia" and "Skoda" stand for? 🤔


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## Lucky13 (Sep 25, 2021)

*



*

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## Lucky13 (Sep 25, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Sep 25, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 642556


Spear fishing Usaaf style.

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## Bernhart (Sep 25, 2021)

Fix or repair daily, from old rusty dodges

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## SaparotRob (Sep 25, 2021)

Found on road dead.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 25, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 26, 2021)




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## at6 (Sep 26, 2021)

How do you put of a burning maxi-pad? You Tampon it.

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## Wayne Little (Sep 26, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Sep 26, 2021)

at6 said:


> How do you put of a burning maxi-pad? You Tampon it.


Oh man, that was terrible! Got any more?

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## WARSPITER (Sep 26, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> I have a sister, (why, yes, she _is _blonde,) who often gets the joke about ten minutes after everybody else has stopped laughing.


I don't get it....

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## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2021)

Must be them there 1/35 scale that they're referring to I imagine....😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 26, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Sep 26, 2021)

WARSPITER said:


> I don't get it....


Wait 10 minutes.

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## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 26, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Sep 26, 2021)



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## WARSPITER (Sep 27, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> Wait 10 minutes.


Ummm.... nup. Should I buy some hair dye ?

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 27, 2021)

this will do

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## WARSPITER (Sep 27, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> this will do
> 
> View attachment 642773



Oh goody, I've been looking for an excuse to buy a 3D printer.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 27, 2021)




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## WARSPITER (Sep 27, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 642779


Move arrow forward one seat to see P39 designer..... crouches and slinks away....

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## vikingBerserker (Sep 27, 2021)

That's because he made a change and the center of gravity shifted forward.

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## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 27, 2021)



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## special ed (Sep 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 27, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Sep 27, 2021)

Well somebody had to! The person in the car was juggling a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and their cell phone, while applying make-up.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 27, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 642794



Marines

My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment and Ships

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 27, 2021)

The Marine jokes I know can't be printed here.

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## special ed (Sep 27, 2021)



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## special ed (Sep 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 28, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Sep 28, 2021)

> > > > > > *Men Are Just Happier People! * What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
> > > > > > Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress – $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
> > > > > > New shoes normally don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
> > > > > > You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
> > > > > > ...

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## vikingBerserker (Sep 28, 2021)

Amen...................

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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Sep 28, 2021)

One ring to find them. One ring to bind them.

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## WARSPITER (Sep 28, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> One ring to find them. One ring to bind them.


A sort of ring binder finder.

If you watch the complicated lord of the rings trilogy backwards it simply becomes a story about a short person with hairy feet 
who finds a ring in a volcano and then walks back home.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2021)

You all know who this is....

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## Wurger (Sep 28, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 29, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Sep 29, 2021)

To quote Rocket J. Squirrel; "If you liked it once you'll love twice".

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## Lucky13 (Sep 29, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 29, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 29, 2021)



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## special ed (Sep 29, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 29, 2021)




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## at6 (Sep 30, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 643091


This year's winner of the Kelly Bundy Award.

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 30, 2021)

My son came home from school today to say he got a good grade on his personal narrative about catching his first catfish. But he said that the teacher suggested he include more dialogue. I told him to point out to her that he was on a boat, and you can't repeat sailor's dialogue.

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## v2 (Sep 30, 2021)

...

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## Lucky13 (Sep 30, 2021)



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## Wurger (Sep 30, 2021)




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## special ed (Sep 30, 2021)

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he smelled the aroma of his favorite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with great effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe gazing into the kitchen. If it were not for the agony of death, he would thought himself already in heaven, for there spread upon the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite scones. Was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years to see he left this world a happy man? With one final great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees. His aged, withered, trembling hand reached for a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off, those are for the funeral."

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## at6 (Oct 1, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Oct 1, 2021)

One morning, an attractive, young American exchange student was exploring her new home in Edinburgh and decided to head off into the countryside. Wandering along a footpath, she came across a Scot in full kilted regalia, snoring beneath a tree. From the empty bottle of Laphroaig lying next to him, she determined he'd been carousing the night before. She'd heard stories about what Scots wore--or, rather, didn't wear--under their kilts. The man was clearly out for the count and this was simply too good an opportunity to miss. She carefully lifted the hem of the man's kilt and was suitably impressed by the man's "possession". Removing the blue ribbon from her hair, she tied it gently in a bow around that which the Good Lord gave him, replaced his kilt and continued her journey. Several hours later, the Scot awoke from his drunken stupor. Something didn't feel right "down there" so he lifted up his kilt, saw the ribbon and exclaimed "I dinna know where ye've bin, laddie, but I'm glad ye won first prize!"

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## v2 (Oct 1, 2021)

..

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 1, 2021)

I so want to give that double bacon with a knights cross

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## buffnut453 (Oct 1, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> I so want to give that double bacon with a knights cross



Can't do that. The bacon offends the vegans, the term knigts is redolent of the repression inherent in the [feudal] system, while the cross is clearly evident of Judeo-Christian religious bias.

Get woke bro!

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 1, 2021)



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## at6 (Oct 1, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


>





buffnut453 said:


> Can't do that. The bacon offends the vegans, the term knigts is redolent of the repression inherent in the feudal system, while the cross is clearly evident of Judeo-Christian religious bias.
> 
> Get woke bro!


You forgot that Bacon is also un-Islamic.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 1, 2021)

at6 said:


> You forgot that Bacon is also un-Islamic.



And anti-Semitic. See...it just gets worse and worse. VB should really banish himself to the naughty corner.

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## special ed (Oct 1, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 1, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Oct 1, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Oct 1, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 1, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Oct 1, 2021)

I just went with my dog for our evening walk and I recalled a quote:

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Graucho Marx

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## Wurger (Oct 1, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 2, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 2, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 2, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 2, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 2, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 2, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 2, 2021)



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## buffnut453 (Oct 2, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 643396



What is that strange device? Is it clockwork?

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## Wurger (Oct 2, 2021)




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## NVSMITH (Oct 2, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 643396


-In one of my last assignments the "Talk" function was deemed unnecessary by the Colonel...

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## special ed (Oct 2, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Oct 2, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Oct 2, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 643431


That is BEAUTIFUL!

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 3, 2021)

I agree. Great paint job

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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2021)




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## MIflyer (Oct 3, 2021)

There was one B-52 that was painted white. They used it for special test work and out at Edwards AFB they needed to reduce the heat load. 

And interestingly enough, for many years the VC-137's used for Air Force 1 were maintained in the same configuration as Pam Am airplanes, since Pan Am spare parts were available quickly all over the world.

Pan Am ran the Eastern Test Range from Cape Canaveral for many years.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 3, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> There was one B-52 that was painted white. They used it for special test work and out at Edwards AFB they needed to reduce the heat load.
> 
> And interestingly enough, for many years the VC-137's used for Air Force 1 were maintained in the same configuration as Pam Am airplanes, since Pan Am spare parts were available quickly all over the world.
> 
> Pan Am ran the Eastern Test Range from Cape Canaveral for many years.



The 52s at Edwards now are still painted in operational colors, and its hot af…


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## MIflyer (Oct 3, 2021)

I believe the white one was being used for ECM work.


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## special ed (Oct 3, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Oct 3, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 3, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2021)

The Lord of the Rings ....

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## Gnomey (Oct 4, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Oct 4, 2021)

One ring to find them . . .

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## SaparotRob (Oct 4, 2021)

..and in the darkness bind them in the land of Matri Mordor where wish you had a good pre-nup.

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## special ed (Oct 4, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 5, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 5, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 5, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 5, 2021)

‘Stun gun’ claims to stop China’s dancing grannies’ by sabotaging their music


A viral video in China shows a man pointing a device at square dancing troupes that sabotages their music, giving the neighbourhood a moment of peace.




www.scmp.com

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## MIflyer (Oct 5, 2021)

MRE: Meals Rejected By Ethiopia

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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 5, 2021)

I've come to realise that more and more people these days, suffer from Chronicus Stultus....which often turns them into a Stultus Diuinator! 😉😆😂

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## special ed (Oct 5, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Oct 6, 2021)

CSAF Gen Merrill McPeak said, "US Navy uniforms are similar to those worn by commercial ship officers. In the Air Force we should have uniforms that resemble airline pilots."

No kidding. He really said that. So they took the epaulettes off. Everybody but McPeak hated that.

Then, at a meeting in Wash DC a congressman walked up to a USAF general and said, ""Well Admiral, I think it was a nice ceremony." After that incident, combined with letters from retired general officers saying, "Are you FREAKIN' CRAZY?" the epaulettes went back on, so that is why we do not look like Navy bus drivers today.

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 6, 2021)

MIflyer said:


> CSAF Gen Merrill McPeak said, "US Navy uniforms are similar to those worn by commercial ship officers. In the Air Force we should have uniforms that resemble airline pilots."
> 
> No kidding. He really said that. So they took the epaulettes off. Everybody but McPeak hated that.
> 
> Then, at a meeting in Wash DC a congressman walked up to a USAF general and said, ""Well Admiral, I think it was a nice ceremony." After that incident, combined with letters from retired general officers saying, "Are you FREAKIN' CRAZY?" the epaulettes went back on, so that is why we do not look like Navy bus drivers today.


Could be worse

Patton uniform design.

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## Airframes (Oct 6, 2021)

"Flash, woohoo, saviour of the Universe"!!

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 6, 2021)



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## MIflyer (Oct 6, 2021)

That was for tanks! In WWII they ended up with Armored Force Coveralls, which ended up being used bu USAAF bomber crewmen. And the tanker helmet they adopted was very much like a football helmet; I have one.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 6, 2021)

Airframes said:


> "Flash, woohoo, saviour of the Universe"!!



You can mock but the new U.S. Space Force uniforms aren't too far from that design:












And, yes, I do think these uniforms are a joke!

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 6, 2021)

They look like Bellhops

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## buffnut453 (Oct 6, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> They look like Bellhops



Badly-dressed, faintly ridiculous bellhops!

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## special ed (Oct 6, 2021)

Bellhop was my immediate thought.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 6, 2021)

As I look at those uniforms, the words "Candygram for Mongo!" keep popping into my head. Don't know why.

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## special ed (Oct 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 6, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 6, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 6, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 643912


I notice this is on a USMC aircraft.

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## special ed (Oct 6, 2021)

This may be an appropriate moment to explain why many of my posts are of Marine Corp mocking USAF & other services. Back in the early 2000s a new neighbor moved in next door. I had long displayed on the outside brick corner wall of my house (his side) two pole mounts, the US flag & just below it the USAF flag. About a month after he moved in, and not yet having met my neighbor, he put up a gigantic USMC flag which covered his entire garage door. I'm sure this provided amusement to motorists using the interstate on ramp across from our houses. It turned out we had many common friends, as we had been Civil Air Patrol Cadets together in the mid 1950s but had never met previously, although I had heard stories of his escapades. He was a year older than I and entered the Marines upon graduation just as I had entered the USAF a year later when I graduated. We had great fun as neighbors (he was the best neighbor I've had) and he would send these USMC cartoons E-mail. After Hurricane Katrina, he moved to Arizona and the E-mails still came. I found out from his son about three years ago he developed Alzheimers and was put in assisted living. The E-mails still came about every six weeks but from someone named Joe. My neighbor passed away, but still every 6 to 8 weeks Joe still sends USMC jokes so I share them with the members. I enjoy the fact that he provided ridicule even after death.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 6, 2021)

special ed said:


> This may be an appropriate moment to explain why many of my posts are of Marine Corp mocking USAF & other services. Back in the early 2000s a new neighbor moved in next door. I had long displayed on the outside brick corner wall of my house (his side) two pole mounts, the US flag & just below it the USAF flag. About a month after he moved in, and not yet having met my neighbor, he put up a gigantic USMC flag which covered his entire garage door. I'm sure this provided amusement to motorists using the interstate on ramp across from our houses. It turned out we had many common friends, as we had been Civil Air Patrol Cadets together in the mid 1950s but had never met previously, although I had heard stories of his escapades. He was a year older than I and entered the Marines upon graduation just as I had entered the USAF a year later when I graduated. We had great fun as neighbors (he was the best neighbor I've had) and he would send these USMC cartoons E-mail. After Hurricane Katrina, he moved to Arizona and the E-mails still came. I found out from his son about three years ago he developed Alzheimers and was put in assisted living. The E-mails still came about every six weeks but from someone named Joe. My neighbor passed away, but still every 6 to 8 weeks Joe still sends USMC jokes so I share them with the members. I enjoy the fact that he provided ridicule even after death.



Gave you a "like" because there isn't a "blub" emoji.

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## Gnomey (Oct 6, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 6, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> You can mock but the new U.S. Space Force uniforms aren't too far from that design:
> 
> View attachment 643884
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, they are not a joke…

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## at6 (Oct 7, 2021)

Does that mean that they serve you popcorn in the movie theater when off duty?

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## buffnut453 (Oct 7, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Unfortunately, they are not a joke…



Oh yes they are a joke. Not a funny joke, mind you....more of a groaning, face-palm joke that just leaves you shaking your head and wanting to slap the person that thought of it.

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## Wayne Little (Oct 7, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 7, 2021)

They appear to modelled some what after the Air Force Academy parade blues.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 7, 2021)




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## Wurger (Oct 7, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 7, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 7, 2021)

The Life is brutal.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2021)

It's a good thing that today's generation(s) have their safe spaces.... imagine them growing up in 70's and 80's! 😳😲😜😉😆😂

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## syscom3 (Oct 7, 2021)

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? 

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting." 🤘

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## Wurger (Oct 7, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Oct 8, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 8, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 8, 2021)

The Prince and troops

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 8, 2021)

We lost a senator after a photo like that went public.

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 8, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 9, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 9, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Oct 9, 2021)

What monkey?

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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2021)

Oh right....that reminds me, need to get milk! 😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 10, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 10, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 10, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 10, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Oct 11, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 644195


I asked my girl if she could find the monkey for me. Dont think she did because now she is mad and wont talk to me.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 11, 2021)



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## syscom3 (Oct 11, 2021)

LOL

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 11, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 11, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 11, 2021)




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## GTX (Oct 11, 2021)

Why do they call almond milk, "almond milk"? Because nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face…

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 11, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 11, 2021)

GTX said:


> Why do they call almond milk, "almond milk"? Because nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face…


Nut juice!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
😳😆😆😆😂😂😂....dammit!

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## syscom3 (Oct 11, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 11, 2021)

I suppose they won't deliver.

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## MIflyer (Oct 12, 2021)

One day several years ago I did not eat breakfast because I had to fat for a blood test. After leaking the blood I went to the office at about 0800 and walked over to a nearby McDonald's to get something to eat. I was pretty hungry and planned to have some pancakes, but was distressed to see that was not on the menu.

Later I found out that they still served pancakes but you had to ask for them. So the archtype of fast food has now taken on the trappings of snooty French restaurant, "Don't order off the menu. Ask to speak to the chef personally."

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## Wurger (Oct 12, 2021)




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## Ralph Haus (Oct 12, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 12, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Oct 12, 2021)




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## Thumpalumpacus (Oct 12, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 644326



That's evolution, baby!

(Assuming they haven't reproduced, lol)

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## SaparotRob (Oct 12, 2021)

Remove the warning labels. I like it.

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## special ed (Oct 12, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 12, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 12, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 12, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 13, 2021)

Dad jokes are great!

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## Bucksnort101 (Oct 13, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 644467





special ed said:


> View attachment 644465


 Red Green is that you? Now they just need to add a little Duct Tape and the job will be complete.

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## SaparotRob (Oct 13, 2021)

If ya’ can’t be handsome, be handy.

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 13, 2021)

.........and keep your stick on the ice.

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## special ed (Oct 13, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 13, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 644554



One of my favorites. I have it printed and hanging in my office.

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## special ed (Oct 13, 2021)



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## Thumpalumpacus (Oct 13, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 644554



When I told my brother-in-law (Army veteran of Vietnam) that I was enlisting in the Air Force, he told me the order of operations for an assault landing:

1) the Navy bombards it.
2) the Marines assault it.
3) the Army secures it.
4) the Air Force builds the enlisted clubs.

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## ARTESH (Oct 13, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 644239


If this ship being torpedoed by a Submarine, accidentally, will it break the record of total Sunken tonnage of history???

The current record is near 500k tones by WW1 German U-boat Commander Lothar von Arnauld de la Priere.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 13, 2021)

In recognition of the U.S.Navy's 246th birthday, here are a couple of salutes from an old Air Force veteran:

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## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Wayne Little (Oct 14, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Oct 14, 2021)

Foreign Intelligence Operatives in Iran:






---

Goddamit, it wasn't on the book!

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## SaparotRob (Oct 14, 2021)

I wouldn’t be surprised.

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## ARTESH (Oct 14, 2021)

Tobacco Station!





---

Who is responsible?

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## ARTESH (Oct 14, 2021)

Modernized Paykan!





---
I wonder if he meant "լավ եմ" (lav yem) which is Armenian for "I'm fine".

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## syscom3 (Oct 14, 2021)

X

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 14, 2021)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 644705



Let’s keep the political BS out of this thread.


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## Gnomey (Oct 14, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 14, 2021)

This came from from this site. I like her looks and the truism, so here it is again.

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## SaparotRob (Oct 14, 2021)

No truer word was ever spoken.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 14, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 644631


This would be considered a domestic situation. Our trained de-escalator from social services will be there to provide counselling. Have your vaccination papers available to guarantee service.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 14, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> .........and keep your stick on the ice.



That sounds jolly uncomfortable....oh, you mean hockey. Had me worried there for a minute.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 14, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2021)




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## Wurger (Oct 15, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 16, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Oct 16, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Oct 16, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 644896


To aflame her (or him, depends on), just answer with "OK".

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 18, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Oct 18, 2021)

Lol!









Iranian Mug You Can't Scare Me I'm Married to a - Etsy UK


This Mugs item by FGImagination has 23 favorites from Etsy shoppers. Ships from United States. Listed on 17 Sep, 2022




www.etsy.com

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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 18, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 18, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 18, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 18, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Oct 18, 2021)

You have to love and respect British humor

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## special ed (Oct 18, 2021)

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know,' he said bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
"What's wrong son?"
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There is no Easter Bunny' talk. At seven , I got the 'There is no Tooth Fairy' talk. When I was eight you hit me with the 'There is no Santa Claus' speech. If you're going to tell me grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing to live for."

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 18, 2021)

Asked by a 12 year old:
"Hey, Siri, how much trouble will I get in for looking up how to make crystal meth on my school computer?"

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## ThomasP (Oct 19, 2021)

I was house sitting for some friends the last 2 weeks. I was binge watching a series on Netflix and the Siri unit started responding to questions asked by the actors in the series. It was really funny, particularly when Siri started speaking Finnish.

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## Wayne Little (Oct 19, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 19, 2021)

This may have been here:

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 19, 2021)

DUDE! You got ripped off! I got mine at Home Depot for, like, 4 bucks.

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## special ed (Oct 19, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Oct 19, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 645416



The absolute ULTIMATE in FAKE NEWS!!!!

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## Lucky13 (Oct 20, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 20, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 20, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Oct 20, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 20, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 20, 2021)

🎶Foreign types with their hookah pipes sing wayo wayo wa-a-ayo🎶

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## buffnut453 (Oct 20, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> 🎶Foreign types with their hookah pipes sing wayo wayo wa-a-ayo🎶



And all of a sudden I'm thinking about Susanna Hoffs again!

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## special ed (Oct 21, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 21, 2021)

One from the old Marine

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## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 22, 2021)

Hope this has not already been posted:

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## Lucky13 (Oct 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 22, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 22, 2021)




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## SaparotRob (Oct 22, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> Hope this has not already been posted:
> View attachment 645688


It just gets better every time I read it.

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## special ed (Oct 22, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 22, 2021)




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## Wurger (Oct 22, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 22, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Oct 22, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Oct 22, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Oct 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Oct 23, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 645732


Thankfully, he is not Iranian!

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 23, 2021)

*Operation Up-Skirt ...*

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 23, 2021)

Infantry officer: I lost 20 lbs while on deployment.
Intel officer: I found it.

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## special ed (Oct 23, 2021)

New Lt.

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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 23, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Oct 23, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> *Operation Up-Skirt ...*
> View attachment 645787


Either it's completely new, or it's in a museum!!!

So clean and shiny for an operating sub ...

p.s.: I might be wrong.

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## ARTESH (Oct 23, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 645714


"Gentlemen, we're actually above Stalingrad, right now" Radio Operator said.

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 23, 2021)

New York Post

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 23, 2021)

You are going to tie it to the tray, aren't you?

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## ThomasP (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 24, 2021)



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## at6 (Oct 24, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 645922


It's not the size of your bite, it's how where you use it.

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## VBF-13 (Oct 24, 2021)

Two guys die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as who you were, so what else would you like to be?

The first guy says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off the guy flies.

The second guy has been thinking over the idea, and asks, "Will any of this week count toward whether we qualify to get in?"

St. Peter says, "No. Like I told you, the computer is down, so nothing is being recorded."

"In that case," the guy says, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the guy disappears.

A week goes by and the computer is fixed. The Lord tells St. Peter to recall the guys. "Will you have any trouble locating them," He asks?

St. Peter replies, "The first guy should be easy to find. He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. The second guy may be more difficult."

"Why is that," the Lord asks?

St. Peter replies, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

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## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 24, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 24, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 24, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2021)




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## buffnut453 (Oct 25, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 645947



No, that's just Old Rafiki about to knock some sense into Simba. 

Ask me how many times my kids asked to watch "The Lion King" when they were little!

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## Lucky13 (Oct 25, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 25, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 25, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 25, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 25, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 25, 2021)

Or husbands...

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## special ed (Oct 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Oct 26, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2021)




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## at6 (Oct 26, 2021)

Just watched a video of the Mamas and the papas singing California Dreaming and Mama Cass made fat sexy.

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## VBF-13 (Oct 27, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Oct 27, 2021)



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## ThomasP (Oct 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 28, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 28, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Oct 28, 2021)




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## at6 (Oct 29, 2021)

You judge the quality of a Chinese restaurant by the condition of the cat skins in the dumpster.


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## SaparotRob (Oct 29, 2021)

Tried and true method. The most crowded restaurant.


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## special ed (Oct 29, 2021)

One evening I was out driving with a girlfriend deciding where to eat. I commented about the cats/Chinese restaurant saying and she had never heard the story of why Chinese restaurants always leave the kitchen door open. As a joke, I drove behind a Chinese restaurant and as luck would have it, the kitchen door was open and a cat was walking in. She never went to an Asian restaurant again as long as I I knew her.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 29, 2021)

🙀

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## michaelmaltby (Oct 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 30, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Oct 30, 2021)

I'm ashamed of myself for laughing at a tombstone. Laughing a lot!

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## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Oct 30, 2021)

I wonder if these shields can stand still while Vulcan is firing at them!

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## special ed (Oct 30, 2021)



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## cherry blossom (Oct 31, 2021)

I have decided to contribute a puzzle: 

Why do some mathematicians confuse Halloween with Christmas?

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## ARTESH (Oct 31, 2021)

I really didn't know that the Eiffel Tower is in Persian Gulf ...

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## WARSPITER (Oct 31, 2021)

cherry blossom said:


> I have decided to contribute a puzzle:
> 
> Why do some mathematicians confuse Halloween with Christmas?


Know that one but it doesn't add up... unless you muck around a bit with software.


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## cherry blossom (Oct 31, 2021)

Yes it is more ancient computer scientists than mathematicians who know that Oct 31 (Octal) is Dec 25.


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 31, 2021)

the 'broom-star' girl

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## WARSPITER (Oct 31, 2021)

cherry blossom said:


> Yes it is more ancient computer scientists than mathematicians who know that Oct 31 (Octal) is Dec 25.


Still clever though


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## michaelmaltby (Oct 31, 2021)

the Beijing '_wink_'

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## GTX (Oct 31, 2021)



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## special ed (Oct 31, 2021)

I found my Bob Stevens books while searching for 2001 Air Classics. I have posted my very favorite of his cartoons:

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## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2021)




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## Wurger (Oct 31, 2021)




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## special ed (Oct 31, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 31, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 646640


Ja!

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## Wurger (Nov 1, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 1, 2021)

Voltaire — 'Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.

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## Capt. Vick (Nov 1, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Nov 1, 2021)

That would be awesome!

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## special ed (Nov 1, 2021)



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## VBF-13 (Nov 1, 2021)

Bob gets stopped for speeding one day by a sheriff's deputy. The deputy walked to Bob's car and asked to see his driver's license. Bob said, "Deputy I can't show you my license." "Why not," asked the deputy? "It's expired, and if I show it to you, I'll get a ticket," said Bob. So the deputy said, "Show me your proof of insurance." Bob said, "I can't do that, either." Again, the deputy asked why, and Bob replied, "It's in the glove box, and I also have a loaded gun in there. If you see the gun, I'll have to pay a huge fine." The deputy is getting really suspicious by now, and tells Bob to open the trunk. Bob said, "I can't do that." The deputy once again asks why, and Bob says, "I have a suitcase full of illegal drugs in there, and I don't want to go to jail." By now the deputy is getting angry, and tells Bob he's calling the sheriff, and to stay in his car until the sheriff arrives. Soon the sheriff arrives, and after being briefed by the deputy, walks up to Bob's car and demands to see his driver's license. Bob complies, and the sheriff sees it's current. The sheriff then demands to see proof of insurance, which Bob retrieves from the glove box, while the sheriff observes closely. It's also current, and the sheriff didn't see any gun in the glove box. The sheriff then orders Bob to open the trunk, and then tells him to open the suitcase. Bob does as directed and all that's found are clothes and personal belongings. With a puzzled look on his face, the sheriff says to Bob, "My deputy said your license is expired, but it isn't. He also said you had a gun in the glove box, but there isn't one." Then the sheriff said the deputy told him there was a suitcase full of illegal drugs in the trunk, but the only thing in the suitcase was clothes and personal belongings. Then the sheriff said, "I'm really confused." Bob replied, "I suppose next you're gonna tell me that big liar also said I was speeding!"

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## SaparotRob (Nov 1, 2021)

VBF-13 said:


> Bob gets stopped for speeding one day by a sheriff's deputy. The deputy walked to Bob's car and asked to see his driver's license. Bob said, "Deputy I can't show you my license." "Why not," asked the deputy? "It's expired, and if I show it to you, I'll get a ticket," said Bob. So the deputy said, "Show me your proof of insurance." Bob said, "I can't do that, either." Again, the deputy asked why, and Bob replied, "It's in the glove box, and I also have a loaded gun in there. If you see the gun, I'll have to pay a huge fine." The deputy is getting really suspicious by now, and tells Bob to open the trunk. Bob said, "I can't do that." The deputy once again asks why, and Bob says, "I have a suitcase full of illegal drugs in there, and I don't want to go to jail." By now the deputy is getting angry, and tells Bob he's calling the sheriff, and to stay in his car until the sheriff arrives. Soon the sheriff arrives, and after being briefed by the deputy, walks up to Bob's car and demands to see his driver's license. Bob complies, and the sheriff sees it's current. The sheriff then demands to see proof of insurance, which Bob retrieves from the glove box, while the sheriff observes closely. It's also current, and the sheriff didn't see any gun in the glove box. The sheriff then orders Bob to open the trunk, and then tells him to open the suitcase. Bob does as directed and all that's found are clothes and personal belongings. With a puzzled look on his face, the sheriff says to Bob, "My deputy said your license is expired, but it isn't. He also said you had a gun in the glove box, but there isn't one." Then the sheriff said the deputy told him there was a suitcase full of illegal drugs in the trunk, but the only thing in the suitcase was clothes and personal belongings. Then the sheriff said, "I'm really confused." Bob replied, "I suppose next you're gonna tell me that big liar also said I was speeding!"


Really should get a bacon.


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## Gnomey (Nov 1, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 2, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 2, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 2, 2021)



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## special ed (Nov 2, 2021)

A man goes to the U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks, "Are you allergic to anything?"
"Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes, I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
"That will give you five extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?"
"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both testicles."
"OK, you have enough points for me to hire you immediately. Our hours are 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00am and may as wall plan for 10am every day."
"If the work hours are from 8 to 4, why don't you want me here until 10?"
"This is a government job. For the first two hours, we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point for you coming for that."

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## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 3, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 3, 2021)

the Internet

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 3, 2021)

Taiwan News

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 3, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 3, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 3, 2021)

'Gonna have trouble trying to unsee that.

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## ThomasP (Nov 4, 2021)

OK michaelmaltby,

I have to admit that i do not understand the Taiwan News post above??

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## at6 (Nov 4, 2021)

Watch the video. Poor blighter is totally getting stoned. I found it hilarious.

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 4, 2021)

T
 ThomasP
the Taiwan post is only what it appears to be, size vs size -- for comparison. Nothing clever or hidden. Thanks.
mm

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## Gnomey (Nov 4, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 4, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 4, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Nov 4, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 647076


No, you're wrong, Comrade. Mladishy Serzhant Dima is catching some fish for dinner.

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 5, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 647076


What shall we do with a drunken sailor,
What shall we do with a drunken sailor,
What shall we do with a drunken sailor,
Early in the morning?

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 5, 2021)

Taiwan Times
"... Free movie tickets have been given to those _*who scored high marks on an app that teaches Xi Jinping Thought*_ (習近平思想). The "Study Xi, Strong Country" (學習强國) app, offered a service where users could exchange points for "Changjin Lake" movie tickets, according to WhatsonWeibo.

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 5, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 647134
> 
> Taiwan Times
> "... Free movie tickets have been given to those _*who scored high marks on an app that teaches Xi Jinping Thought*_ (習近平思想). The "Study Xi, Strong Country" (學習强國) app, offered a service where users could exchange points for "Changjin Lake" movie tickets, according to WhatsonWeibo.


You do know this the joke part of this site?

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 5, 2021)

... yes i do. The poster is a joke.

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## Gnomey (Nov 5, 2021)




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## ThomasP (Nov 6, 2021)

Not trying to be political, but if it matters, the poster above is alleged to be a fake put on the internet. Actual "Battle at Changjin Lake" movie poster about halfway down the page:

"《长津湖》领跑、动画电影内卷国庆档会创纪录吗？_娱乐爆料网"

Here is a small version:






Interesting stuff. This movie is basically the Chinese side of what the US usually calls the Battle of the Chosin Reservoir. It is somewhat propagandized, but for the most part not more so than most western war movies. I highly recommend it.

Part of the Chinese film industry "Me and My" series. In some ways it reminds me of the Clint Eastwood directed WWII war movies: "Flags of Our Fathers" and "Letters from Iwo Jima".

For anyone interested in the subject, I also highly recommend the the 2010 movie/~documentary "Chosin", and the PBS American Experience ~documentary series "The Battle of Chosin".

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## WARSPITER (Nov 6, 2021)

Two old ladies sitting in a bus stop on a wet windy day.

First lady says"Damn, I hate it when the wind blows rain in here - it wrecks my cigarette."
Second lady says " Oh here I can fix that."
She takes out a small pair of scissors and a tube looking thing from her bag. She then cuts the end off
the tube and puts it over her smoke.
"See, it waterproofs the ciggy and you pull it up as you smoke."
"Brilliant, what is it and where do you get them?"
"Oh, they are called condoms and you get them at the chemists."

First old girl puts the zimmer frame into overdrive when she gets to town and heads straight into the chemist.

She asks the young gent behind the counter for some condoms.
Being of the age where old people are there to be confused the young bloke thinks he will be smart and asks
what size she would like.

The old lady replies, "Ahh it doesn't really matter as long as it fits over a Camel."

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 6, 2021)

ThomasP I welcome your input on this ... fake poster or not ... the Chinese are allowed to relate their story ... and I appreciate the sacrifice and hardship of all combatants. But - lest we forget - the Chinese narrative begins with the UN/US invasion of N Korea - if the story STARTS there, it is flawed.
Chosin was a remarkable logistical feat by the US that is due respect by all. The PLA accomplished nothing remarkable for a force that outnumbered the US perhaps 10:1. They did not DESTOY the invaders and suffered unsupportable casualties. The lesson to be learned was "don't mess with firepower". That lesson was not truly learned, IMO, right up to the armistice.

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## GTX (Nov 6, 2021)

Getting back to some humour, this one just cracks me up:

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## ARTESH (Nov 6, 2021)

GTX said:


> Getting back to some humour, this one just cracks me up:
> 
> View attachment 647241


Reminds me of someone ... Very famous ... A singer, IIRC. Maybe in Eurovision or some other American shows... Not remember which one.

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## GTX (Nov 6, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Reminds me of someone ... Very famous ... A singer, IIRC. Maybe in Eurovision or some other American shows... Not remember which one.


Conchita Wurst perhaps:

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## ARTESH (Nov 6, 2021)

GTX said:


> Conchita Wurst perhaps:
> 
> View attachment 647255


Yes, exactly this person. Thank you.


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## at6 (Nov 6, 2021)

GTX said:


> Conchita Wurst perhaps:
> 
> View attachment 647255


Another one like this, I'll be banning myself from this site. I was eating Breakfast and now even my bacon has curled up.

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## ARTESH (Nov 6, 2021)

at6 said:


> Another one like this, I'll be banning myself from this site. I eating Breakfast and now even my bacon has curled up.


So, Good morning and have a happy Sunday.

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 6, 2021)

I really do not care how one looks or what one does for you know what. However.. my ears do care very much about the noises it recieves. They do not care for this noise. In fact it tends to get me grumpy. Beard or not, lovely as it is, this kind of music, or show for that matter, is not for me.

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## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2021)




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## Capt. Vick (Nov 6, 2021)

IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED BEFORE I APOLOGIZE...and if it hasn't, I apologize for doing so...

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## WARSPITER (Nov 6, 2021)

I taut I saw a puddy tat.......

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## at6 (Nov 7, 2021)

Capt. Vick said:


> IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED BEFORE I APOLOGIZE...and if it hasn't, I apologize for doing so...



Still better than Cornchito.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 7, 2021)



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## at6 (Nov 7, 2021)

Had to look that one up. Well said my friend.

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## Ralph Haus (Nov 7, 2021)

Capt. Vick said:


> IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED BEFORE I APOLOGIZE...and if it hasn't, I apologize for doing so...




After that, YMCA seems like a great song. Apologies accepted though!

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## Gnomey (Nov 7, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 7, 2021)



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## special ed (Nov 8, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Nov 8, 2021)

S/He can't become a Chief, because S/He is going to be an Admiral.

BTW, How do you address a Senior Female NCO / Officer? Sir or Lady?


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## ARTESH (Nov 8, 2021)

Scene that you can only see in Iranian Metro ...

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 8, 2021)

That can't be a real CPO. He's not fat enough!


 ARTESH
, while I can't speak for all services, in the Army a female officer is addressed "Ma'am", a female senior NCO is addressed "Sergeant", "First Sergeant" or Sergeant Major", depending on her rank. A female warrant officer is addressed "Ma'am". This is assuming that the addressor is of a lower rank. Otherwise they are addressed by their rank.

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## ARTESH (Nov 9, 2021)

Thanks, Greg.


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## michaelmaltby (Nov 9, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Nov 9, 2021)

New year shoppings be like!

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 9, 2021)

Love that middle photo! I'm going to forward that to the Minneapolis city council to give them some ideas to curb the rise in violent crime.

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## ARTESH (Nov 9, 2021)

About that "New year" just imagine that I personally, should do it three times!!!

One is Gregorian new year, after that, would be Iranian New Year (Generally, it is March 22), and sometime in between, is Arabic New Year (No fixed date, Moharram is first month of Arabic Calendar)!

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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2021)



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## gumbyk (Nov 10, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647758


Sounds legit...

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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 10, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 10, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647859


Uh, yeah?


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 10, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Nov 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647859


Yes.

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## WARSPITER (Nov 11, 2021)

In Melbourne today a four seater Cessna crashed in the central city cemetery. 

Police emergency response groups say that so far they have recovered 211 bodies.

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 11, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Nov 11, 2021)

Not new but timely ...

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## WARSPITER (Nov 11, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> Not new but timely ...



Absolute classic


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## ARTESH (Nov 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647859


I remember windows 95 as well, what about me?


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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Nov 11, 2021)

cartoons TvD - Aviation Cartoons | Aviation, Grappige foto's, Cartoons


19-jul-2014 - aviation cartoons by 20 artists from allover the world




pin.it













Las Cosicas del Panzer | Funny memes, History jokes, Military jokes


Nov 16, 2017 - Imágenes, laminas, vídeos, de la 2GM y otras cosas también.




pin.it

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## GTX (Nov 11, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647918



I’m a military brat who grew up on Army bases. I remember doing these drills a lot.

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## ARTESH (Nov 11, 2021)

GTX said:


> View attachment 647925


Is Rial accepted?

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## SaparotRob (Nov 11, 2021)

I loved those drills in school. I didn’t have to learn anything.


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## ARTESH (Nov 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647920


Kind of both agree and disagree with this post ...

I agree, because respecting older generation, specially those who served their nation, is a great manner.

But, on the other hand, I disagree with how is it managed, at least, in My place ...

I prefer to read books, interviews of these people or talk to them, and hear from their untold stories ...

Everyone talks about "Victory", but no one talks about its cost ... Everyone talks about "Generals", but no other ranks ...

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## gumbyk (Nov 11, 2021)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I’m a military brat who grew up on Army bases. I remember doing these drills a lot.


And now I appreciate growing up at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, half a world away from all that. I still find it hard to comprehend.

The only drill like that we had were earthquake drills.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 11, 2021)

gumbyk said:


> And now I appreciate growing up at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, half a world away from all that. I still find it hard to comprehend.
> 
> The only drill like that we had were earthquake drills.



We did air raid drills and tornado drills.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647940


I think I soiled myself a little.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 11, 2021)

Its true…

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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)

_An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman: "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
"That's just simple thievery," the Irishman replied. "I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman smiles then said: "Look in the Englishman's pockets."_

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## Lucky13 (Nov 11, 2021)

_Two elderly woman were having a cigarette outside of their senior housing complex as there was no smoking allowed indoors.

It started to rain lightly and one of the women took a condom out of her purse, poked a hole in the closed end, unrolled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The other woman was somewhat curious and asked her what it was she placed over her cigarette.

The first woman said "Oh it's just a condom, I use them to keep my cigarettes dry whenever I'm smoking outside in inclement weather."

The second woman says "A condom huh? Where could I get some of those so I could have them handy if I ever need to keep my own cigarettes dry?"

And the first woman says "Any pharmacy or drugstore would have them."

The second woman thanks her and they finish their cigarettes and head indoors.

A few days later the second woman was at the drugstore picking up a few things so she went over to the pharmacist and asked him if she could purchase a package of condoms.

The pharmacist says "Well, there's a lot of different brands and types of condoms, what exactly were you looking for?"

And the woman says "I don't think it really matters -it just has to fit a camel."_

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## Lucky13 (Nov 12, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Nov 12, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 647942


Yes, spend your hard-earned money for some shit, then overdose and nearly kill yourself.

100% something wonderful!!! If you survive, of course.


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## Wurger (Nov 12, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Nov 12, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 13, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Nov 13, 2021)

By cheating!

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## VBF-13 (Nov 13, 2021)

Optimism...

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## VBF-13 (Nov 13, 2021)

Look how cute they are in their new school uniform...

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## Gnomey (Nov 13, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 13, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 14, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Nov 14, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 648240


Exactly which one?

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## ARTESH (Nov 14, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 648186


Nope, you're wrong, mate! Steve is not fishing, but he's worming! Cuz he ran out of worms for fishing.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 14, 2021)

I wonder how that last sign is enforced.

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 14, 2021)

It's punishable by death.

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## ARTESH (Nov 14, 2021)

I want to die right there, but after that have seen the sign above that, with my own eyes!

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## gumbyk (Nov 14, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> Yes, spend your hard-earned money for some shit, then overdose and nearly kill yourself.
> 
> 100% something wonderful!!! If you survive, of course.


The dose makes the poison... Small (micro) doses are used to treat mental health issues such as PTSD, depression, etc.

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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2021)




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## WARSPITER (Nov 14, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> It's punishable by death.


It's ok if someone is 'LEFT HERE' to die then ?

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## SaparotRob (Nov 14, 2021)

No. You have to kill them elsewhere.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 14, 2021)



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## special ed (Nov 14, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 15, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 15, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Nov 15, 2021)

I found a picture of Terry (Airframes) when he was in Para!





Source: Internet iChive

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## ARTESH (Nov 15, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> I found a picture of Terry (Airframes) when he was in Para!
> 
> View attachment 648361
> 
> Source: Internet iChive


This one is not original one ... I have the original one ... Just give me some time to find it ...

There you go ... The Original one:

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## Airframes (Nov 15, 2021)

Nah, here's the original one !!!

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## Wurger (Nov 15, 2021)

As usually you look great my friend.

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 15, 2021)

Make that 22 kills......

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## Gnomey (Nov 15, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Nov 15, 2021)

Agreed with Wojtek and VB.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 16, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 16, 2021)



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## Wayne Little (Nov 16, 2021)




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## Wurger (Nov 16, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 16, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 16, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 648479


Give ME some of that old time religion!

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 16, 2021)

Can I get an amen!

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## SaparotRob (Nov 16, 2021)

Amen!

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## Gnomey (Nov 16, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 16, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 16, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Nov 16, 2021)

Oh. We just took them out to the unmarked grave behind the shed.

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## ARTESH (Nov 16, 2021)

Greg Boeser said:


> Oh. We just took them out to the unmarked grave behind the shed.


There was an Iranian TV Show for Kids, named "Samandoon". It was so scary that the IRIB (Iranian Broadcasting) decided to stop production.



سمندون - Google Search

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## ARTESH (Nov 16, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 648526


Father: The crows told me that you use drugs ...

Kid: No, I don't. I wonder what do yourself use that you talk with crows!!!

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## ARTESH (Nov 16, 2021)

vikingBerserker said:


> Can I get an amen!


Amen, VB.

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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 18, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 18, 2021)

It's still funny.

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## Wurger (Nov 19, 2021)




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## ChrisPL (Nov 19, 2021)

valid message

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## GTX (Nov 19, 2021)

Monkey's unfortunate incident wins funniest animal photo award


The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards dub a monkey's painful pose on a taut wire the funniest animal photo of the year.




www.abc.net.au

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 19, 2021)

Regardless of the species, every male just cringed!

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## buffnut453 (Nov 19, 2021)

Apparently the photo is titled “Ouch!”

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## Lucky13 (Nov 19, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 19, 2021)

Or hardhats for conjoined midgets.

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## SaparotRob (Nov 19, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## at6 (Nov 20, 2021)

I take it that you did.


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## WARSPITER (Nov 20, 2021)

Not way man - they are a cult.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## GTX (Nov 20, 2021)

buffnut453 said:


> Apparently the photo is titled “Ouch!”


As it states in the attached article


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## GTX (Nov 20, 2021)

Click on the link to view the item. Adult Content Warning! 
Actual Craig's List item for sale: Taco Tuesdays will never be the same when you have this accessory 

*Why???!!!*

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 20, 2021)

I'm not clicking any link that has an adult content warning.


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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 648944


OMG! This is totally my wife!

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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)

1: What do you think Pondus? This one, or this one?
2: Gha!
3: Pondus?
4: We're talking about Boredom Shock, also known as "Curtain Coma"!
But he's on his way back!
Baall!

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## SaparotRob (Nov 20, 2021)

That did not need translation. I've felt his pain.

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## ARTESH (Nov 20, 2021)

+ می‌دونی چجوری میشه یه زیر دریایی رو غرق کرد؟

- نه، چجوری؟

+ یه غواص می‌ره در میزنه، بعد فرار میکنه

---

+ Do you know how to sunk a submarine?

- Nope, How?

+ A diver knocks the door, then swims away.

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## at6 (Nov 20, 2021)

Biden promised to cut American methane emissions by 30 percent. As of January 1,2022, all servings of Sauer Kraut, Beans, and or Mexican dishes will be accompanied by Gas-x and a butt plug.

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## Gnomey (Nov 20, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Nov 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 648981


A typical Iranian Reaction (after just reading/hearing first sentence) would be like:

Give him "Chai nabat", he'll be ok in minutes.


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## ARTESH (Nov 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 648978


What is F35??? How did you find that?

However I count, the answer is "3F-23"!!!

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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)

Terry still looking? 🤨🤔

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## special ed (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 20, 2021)

Because life isn't fair.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 21, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Nov 21, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 649005


Դա շատ ծանոթ է թվում !!!

---

That looks very familiar!!!

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## at6 (Nov 21, 2021)

To the beat of fight for your right to party

You're runnin for the toilet and your mama locked the door
She's screamin and a yellin you can't go there anymore
The pressure keeps on buildin and the poo begins to swell

Your butt cheeks are a partin as you feel and taste the smell
You got to fight, for your right, to potttttay!

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## special ed (Nov 21, 2021)



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## special ed (Nov 21, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 22, 2021)




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## Wayne Little (Nov 22, 2021)




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## ChrisPL (Nov 22, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> That did not need translation. I've felt his pain.


Yeap. I`m married, too....

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## ARTESH (Nov 22, 2021)

And that explains why I didn't understand anything ...

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## GTX (Nov 22, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 22, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 22, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 22, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 22, 2021)




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## michaelmaltby (Nov 23, 2021)

Taiwan News

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## Lucky13 (Nov 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 23, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 23, 2021)




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## Dana Bell (Nov 23, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 649295



As yes! The Woad Warrior!

Cheers,



Dana

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## at6 (Nov 23, 2021)

Deck The Halls

Deck the halls with bits of Holly
Fala la la la la la lala
Hang her chunks up and we'll be jolly
Falalalalalalalalala
Rochie with serve us her sauteed liver
Falalalalalalalalala......................

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## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 24, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Nov 25, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Nov 25, 2021)



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## gumbyk (Nov 25, 2021)

Airframes
...

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 25, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2021)




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## Wurger (Nov 26, 2021)



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## special ed (Nov 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 26, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 26, 2021)




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## GTX (Nov 26, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Nov 26, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 26, 2021)

Here are a couple for fubar if he hasn't seen them already.

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## Lucky13 (Nov 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 27, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 27, 2021)

....But, what have I DONE?
....You're wearing your back to front!
....And?
....You're OVER 40!

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## GTX (Nov 27, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 27, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 27, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 28, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 28, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 28, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Nov 28, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Nov 28, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 28, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 28, 2021)

Airframes
, 

 rochie
....?

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## Lucky13 (Nov 28, 2021)

_"Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop."_

Laurell K. Hamilton

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## Gnomey (Nov 28, 2021)




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## special ed (Nov 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 29, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Nov 29, 2021)

courtesy The Simpsons

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 29, 2021)



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## special ed (Nov 29, 2021)



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## Wurger (Nov 29, 2021)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 29, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> _"Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop."_
> 
> Laurell K. Hamilton

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## michaelmaltby (Nov 29, 2021)

*... you know you want one ....
*








North Korea bans leather coats after Kim Jong-un sparks copycat craze


Radio Free Asia reports literal fashion police are patrolling the streets to confiscate the jackets from sellers and any citizens sporting the look.




nypost.com

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## buffnut453 (Nov 29, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 649880
> 
> *... you know you want one ....*
> 
> ...



What? An entourage of sycophantic minions? ABSOLUTELY!

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## Gnomey (Nov 29, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 29, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2021)



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## v2 (Nov 30, 2021)



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## Wayne Little (Nov 30, 2021)




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## Wurger (Nov 30, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 30, 2021)



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## special ed (Nov 30, 2021)



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## Graeme (Nov 30, 2021)

My son.

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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2021)



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## Snautzer01 (Dec 1, 2021)

Graeme said:


> My son.
> 
> View attachment 650013


reminds me of

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## michaelmaltby (Dec 1, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 1, 2021)



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## Wurger (Dec 1, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 1, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2021)




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## special ed (Dec 1, 2021)



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## Bernhart (Dec 2, 2021)

took a minute...

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## ARTESH (Dec 2, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 650089


I pay for its metal ... 1 cent per ton, ok?

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## Dana Bell (Dec 2, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 650108



Continuing the theme, with a holiday accent...

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 2, 2021)

That took me a minute as well, clever.

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## Airframes (Dec 2, 2021)

Think I'm missing something here .......................


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## cammerjeff (Dec 2, 2021)

Me also!


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## Ralph Haus (Dec 2, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 650108


I was worried I was the only 'dense' one on this board. Whew! Another clue please?


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## SaparotRob (Dec 2, 2021)

A joyous NO "L".


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## Airframes (Dec 2, 2021)

Hmmm ........................


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## special ed (Dec 2, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 2, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 3, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Dec 3, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Dec 3, 2021)




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## Greg Boeser (Dec 3, 2021)

I am so there. I want my world back. Here's hoping for a return to a semblance of normalcy in 2022.

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## ARTESH (Dec 3, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 650320


If Santa asks me this question, the answer would be:

A very big place dedicated to Modellers and handcraft makers ... Something like my own workshop, but much bigger and more international!!!

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## Lucky13 (Dec 4, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 4, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 4, 2021)



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## ARTESH (Dec 4, 2021)

I've changed my WhatsApp photo!

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## GTX (Dec 4, 2021)

An oldie but still good:

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## ARTESH (Dec 4, 2021)

Be at Peace | W.i.t.c.h fanart, Cartoon drawings, Cartoon


Nov 3, 2018 - -Multi fandom -This blog is a mess, I apologize. -Sometimes I attempt to draw stuff




pin.it

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## Gnomey (Dec 4, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 6, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 6, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 6, 2021)

Warning!
Golf joke:
Golfer: "How do you like my game?
Caddy: "It's very good. Personally, I prefer golf."

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## ARTESH (Dec 6, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 650558


This happened for me, within days! Several times!

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## special ed (Dec 6, 2021)

Warning!
Golf joke:
Golfer: "This is the worst course I have played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

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## SaparotRob (Dec 6, 2021)

ARTESH said:


> This happened for me, within days! Several times!


It was a good feeling wasn’t it. “Hey boss, who is stupid now?”. Of course since we’re not stupid, we never said it out loud.

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## ARTESH (Dec 6, 2021)

SaparotRob said:


> It was a good feeling wasn’t it. “Hey boss, who is stupid now?”. Of course since we’re not stupid, we never said it out loud.


It gets better when you bet on something and you're winner!

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## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2021)




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## special ed (Dec 6, 2021)

Warning!
Golf joke:
Golfer: You have to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so--that would be too much of a coincidence."

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## ChrisPL (Dec 7, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 650228


This reminds me a funny clip.... Hasta la vista, baby Jesus

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## Gnomey (Dec 7, 2021)




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## special ed (Dec 7, 2021)

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts or with Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here is the official distinction straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323,page 295.

GUTS - Arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying?"

BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on her butt and having the balls to say, "You're next, chubby."

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.

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## michaelmaltby (Dec 8, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Dec 8, 2021)

courtesy Taiwan Times ""
Omicron sounds like _I exterminate the CCP_ in Mandarin

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## ARTESH (Dec 8, 2021)

After 10 days of working at cafe, here are 2 most shocking orders that I hear, time to time ...

French press with Milk!

Turkish Coffee without Milk!

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## ARTESH (Dec 8, 2021)

michaelmaltby said:


> View attachment 650853
> 
> courtesy Taiwan Times ""
> Omicron sounds like _I exterminate the CCP_ in Mandarin


Lovely Greek! 

That reminds me of a joke about a Greek last name and its meaning in Persian!!!

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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2021)




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## special ed (Dec 8, 2021)

Warning!
Golf joke:
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

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## michaelmaltby (Dec 9, 2021)

courtesy Taiwan Times

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 9, 2021)



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## michaelmaltby (Dec 9, 2021)

Snautzner01 your post could be a 1944 Bell ad for the P-39 German Maj General says..'the Bell P-39 gives me one big headache"

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 9, 2021)

...and we have a winner!

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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 10, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Dec 10, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 11, 2021)



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## Wurger (Dec 11, 2021)




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## Airframes (Dec 11, 2021)

Why do Firefighters have bigger balls than Police Officers ?

Because they sell more tickets ...................

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## NVSMITH (Dec 11, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 651206


-I think he lives in my neighborhood. He has my wife well trained...

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## Gnomey (Dec 11, 2021)




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## at6 (Dec 11, 2021)

NVSMITH said:


> -I think he lives in my neighborhood. He has my wife well trained...


You can actually train a woman? I thought it was the other way around.

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 11, 2021)

at6 said:


> You can actually train a woman? I thought it was the other way around.


It's a cat thing.

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## WARSPITER (Dec 12, 2021)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 650981


Clever what you did there - lowering the centre of gravity...

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## WARSPITER (Dec 12, 2021)

Paddy is at the golf course and gets hit on the head by a ball.
He demands $500 compensation from the bloke who hit the ball.
"But I yelled fore" protests the golfer.
"Done", says Paddy

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## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2021)




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## special ed (Dec 12, 2021)

Warning!
Golf joke:
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

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## SaparotRob (Dec 12, 2021)

Why is it I hate golf but love golf jokes?

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## special ed (Dec 12, 2021)

Many years ago one of my accounts go to man was about to retire. As merely to make conversation, I said, "I guess you will have time to play golf." His response was, "Let me tell you about my experience with golf. When I was 14 my father wanted to interest me in some kind of sports. He set me up with a neighbor early one Saturday morning to caddy for him. We get to the course, tee off and he says " Well, come on" and I say, where. He says after the ball. I said, I'll wait in the car."

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## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2021)




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## IFollowRoads (Dec 15, 2021)

This story is from Jeff Murray who flew as my co-pilot before he was promoted to Aircraft Commander. It was originally published in the 281st AHC Newsletter.
It's September 1969 and I'm sitting in our temporary compound outside a Special Forces camp at Mai Loc, a few miles west of Quang Tri, South Vietnam. We were there supporting Project Delta as they recon'd far northern I Corps. 
When a mortar lands somewhere near the wire, I beat feet for the nearest bunker and land in a hole next to my platoon leader who asks "Why are you here?" "Taking cover" was my educated reply. "You're the standby pilot" he replies. "Oh." So I beat feet for the aircraft, a UH-1C gunship assigned to my unit, the 281st Assault Helicopter Company. 
The problem is I am in my underwear and flip-flops, my recently washed Nomex flight suit is hanging on a tent rope somewhere not near me. Not to worry though, I arrive at the aircraft, jump in and here comes the crew. A co-pilot dressed appropriately, a gunner without a shirt and a crew chief draped in a towel and flip-flops himself, as he came from the outdoor shower. We launched, we found nothing to shoot at but we had to go to Quang Tri to refuel. 
Following protocol I jumped out and manned the portable fire extinguisher while the crew chief and gunner refueled us, it was a bit different looking as the crew chief's towel stayed inside the aircraft so it wouldn't blow off and maybe foul a control or two. 
While standing there doing my duty as fire guard someone walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and there stood a Marine Major in starched fatigues and shiny boots carrying a clipboard. "What do you think you are doing?" I believe I remember him asking.
Well, I was almost 11 months into my tour and feeling short but he was a Major and I was a lowly Warrant Officer 1 dressed in OD green boxer shorts and a matching t-shirt with my helmet on and my visor down so in my best military manner I answered him: "We're putting fuel in the helicopter sir." I thought that was a proper answer and it must have been because he stared at me for a few seconds and did a rather smart about face and walked off. And as he walked away, I heard him mutter "F-ing Army." I think that was a compliment!

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 15, 2021)

Love it!

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## special ed (Dec 15, 2021)



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## WARSPITER (Dec 16, 2021)

Just for interest sake did anyone know that if you reverse the year 2019 you get 9102.

Then if you take the 9 off the front you get 102.

Then if you then if you halve the 102 and divide the 9 by three you get 51 and 3.

Add these together and you get 54.

It doesn't mean anything at all but thanks for reading anyway.

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## Wurger (Dec 16, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 16, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Dec 16, 2021)

The truest chart EVER!

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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2021)




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## special ed (Dec 16, 2021)

Warning! 
Golf joke:
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

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## Lucky13 (Dec 17, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 17, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 17, 2021)



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## Wurger (Dec 17, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 19, 2021)

I say nothing! 😳😲😗🎼🎵🎶🤐😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Dec 19, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 19, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 19, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Dec 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> I say nothing! 😳😲😗🎼🎵🎶🤐😉😆😂
> 
> View attachment 652183


 R u shor dats nat WODDEH?

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## special ed (Dec 20, 2021)

Warning!
Golf joke:
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

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## Lucky13 (Dec 20, 2021)

Eeeerrrrmmmmm....

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## Wurger (Dec 20, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Dec 20, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 652303
> 
> 
> Eeeerrrrmmmmm....


The second one means "Impossible" in Arabic / Urdu.

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## Lucky13 (Dec 20, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 20, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 21, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 21, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 21, 2021)



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## SaparotRob (Dec 21, 2021)

That dog's face just says it all.

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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2021)




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## NVSMITH (Dec 22, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 22, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 22, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 22, 2021)



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## Gnomey (Dec 22, 2021)




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## ARTESH (Dec 23, 2021)

NVSMITH said:


> View attachment 652558


That one would be me!!!

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## GTX (Dec 23, 2021)



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## GTX (Dec 23, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 23, 2021)



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## GTX (Dec 23, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 23, 2021)



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## NVSMITH (Dec 23, 2021)



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## at6 (Dec 23, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 652646


And he's about to neuter himself.


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## buffnut453 (Dec 23, 2021)

at6 said:


> And he's about to neuter himself.



It'll stop stupid from breeding, tho'.

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 23, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 652646


Old iron balls last mistake.

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## Thumpalumpacus (Dec 23, 2021)



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## Airframes (Dec 23, 2021)

Look, I don't care what your name is, get the sleigh off my bl**dy roof !!

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## special ed (Dec 23, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 23, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 23, 2021)



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## Wurger (Dec 24, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 24, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 24, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 24, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 652705


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## SaparotRob (Dec 24, 2021)

(That's Deadpool.)


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## The Basket (Dec 24, 2021)

*



*

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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2021)




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## Wurger (Dec 25, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 25, 2021)

Yip, that's what it says....so there!

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## Wurger (Dec 25, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 26, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 26, 2021)



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## Wurger (Dec 26, 2021)




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## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2021)




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## Snautzer01 (Dec 27, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 652810


Well... These important tools are made from sunken warships

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## Lucky13 (Dec 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 28, 2021)



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## GTX (Dec 28, 2021)

??


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## SaparotRob (Dec 28, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 653066


I don’t know what it is but I like it.


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## vikingBerserker (Dec 28, 2021)

"I will not buy any new kits before I build the ones I already have"

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## vikingBerserker (Dec 28, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 653067



Wait, you had mustard????????

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## Lucky13 (Dec 28, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 28, 2021)

"I will not buy any new kits before I build the ones I already have"

Indeed 

 vikingBerserker
, I forgot to translate! 😆😂

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## Capt. Vick (Dec 28, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Dec 28, 2021)

Holy Crap!


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## Gnomey (Dec 28, 2021)




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## special ed (Dec 28, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 28, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 28, 2021)



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## GTX (Dec 29, 2021)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 653073


Yep and the technology differences (albeit largely under the skin) are just as big - I have told people that comparing the F-35 capability in terms of sensors and avionics etc with a teen series fighter is akin to comparing a late '70s/early '80s Sony Walkman with the latest iPhone. Sure, both can play music but one does a whole lot more...

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## ARTESH (Dec 29, 2021)

Censorship ...

Answer of half of Software problems in Iran:

Turn on your VPN.

The other half:

Turn off your VPN.

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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2021)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 30, 2021)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 30, 2021)



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## special ed (Dec 30, 2021)



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## GTX (Dec 30, 2021)



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## vikingBerserker (Dec 30, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653301



Dangit, that's just embarrassing

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## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2021)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 31, 2021)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653301



This is fact believe it or not. I spend quite a bit of time at EAFB


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## ThomasP (Dec 31, 2021)

re "Quotes and Jokes"

How things have changed!


My 1979 Dodge Omni 4-door+hatchback:

Volkswagen 1.7L 4-cylinder gasoline engine with a max output of 65 HP at 5200 rpm and max torque of 85 lb-ft at 2800 rpm.
At ~2500 lbs driving weight with 4-speed manual transmission it would do 0-60 mph in ~15 sec.
Fuel economy was ~40 mpg while cruising at 55 mph on a standard day.
Lasted ~240,000 miles before the engine was losing compression to the point of needing a ring job. Might have rebuilt the engine but the body was rusting out.
Typical small car ride (independent rear suspension), but handled like a sports car, with the smoothest manual shifting I have ever run across - by far.
Price: $4,500 new


My 1992 Geo (GM Canada) Metro 2-door+hatchback

Suzuki 1.0L 3-cylinder gasoline engine with a max output of 52 HP at 5700 rpm and max torque of 58 lb-ft at 3300 rpm.
At ~1950 lbs driving weight with 5-speed manual transmission it would do 0-60 mph in ~15 sec.
Fuel economy was ~50 mpg while cruising at 55 mph on a standard day.
Lasted ~124,000 miles before the engine was losing compression to the point of needing a ring job - then the thin walled casting that mounted the engine and suspension tore at the weld for the front right struts. I would have rebuilt the engine if the frame had not torn. The body was in good shape otherwise.
Very nice ride for a small car (independent rear suspension), and handled like a sports car, with a very smooth manual shift.
Price: $8,200 new


My 2002 Prius 4-door hybrid:

Toyota 1.5L 4-cylinder gasoline engine with a max output of 70 HP at 4500 rpm and max torque of 82 lb-ft at 4200 rpm.
Electric AC (servo) motor with a max output of 44 HP over the range of 1020-5600 rpm and max torque of 260 lb-ft over the range of 0-400 rpm.
Maximum combined electric-gasoline hybrid output of 110 HP.
At ~3000 lbs driving weight with infinitely variable transmission it will do 0-60 mph in ~10 sec.
Fuel economy is ~50 mpg+ while cruising at 55 mph on a standard day.
Currently at 569,000+ miles (had to replace the hybrid battery at 435,000 miles) and running almost like new. The body is a bit crumpled in the rear due to getting rear-ended by a school bus in stop-and-go traffic in broad daylight - with some rust in the damaged area, but otherwise in good condition.
Typical small car ride (a bit bumpy due to the solid rear axle), handles like a small to mid-size car, with twitchy steering (due to minimal toe in).
Price: $20,000 new


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## ARTESH (Dec 31, 2021)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 653278


Did he right any laters to you, since then???

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## special ed (Dec 31, 2021)

My 1992 Chevy Astro van:

My last company van.
Paid $250 for it at retirement 2002.
Standard Chevy V-6
Mileage varied if packed full of machines or empty (rated as 1/4 ton vehicle same as WW2 Jeep)
Handled like a sports car when empty and no one watching
Had the best turn radius of anything I have flow... driven
Sold it this past summer for $400 with 319000+ miles with original engine & transmission, did not burn oil.

In complete accuracy, although I paid $250, it cost $318 more to transfer title(s) as the company changed names four times since their vehicle purchase. DVM saw a chance for profit without issuing license tags & titles.

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## GTX (Dec 31, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 31, 2021)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 31, 2021)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 31, 2021)

Actually, an asteroid might be kinda cathartic. 🤔

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## NVSMITH (Jan 1, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653301


-What the heck!!
-SAFETY VIOLATION: where are the reflective belts or vests???

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## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2022)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 2, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 2, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jan 2, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653301


Airforce: no seat?

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## Lucky13 (Jan 2, 2022)



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## Njaco (Jan 2, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Jan 2, 2022)

Njaco said:


> View attachment 653490



That is SO me!!!!!

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## at6 (Jan 3, 2022)

Kidnappers would have paid a ransom just to return me.

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 3, 2022)

Heck, at least you guys have somebody that wants to kidnap you!

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## GTX (Jan 3, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jan 3, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 3, 2022)

Njaco said:


> View attachment 653490



....for just two hours?
....or, was it that they had enough after two hours? 🤨🤔

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## Gnomey (Jan 3, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 3, 2022)



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## Guchi (Jan 4, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 652646


And if that thing fires up - no balls either

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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 4, 2022)



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## pbehn (Jan 4, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 653663


Ronaldo has tested positive for the "Best Player in the World" virus, happily he isnt showing any symptoms yet.

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## special ed (Jan 4, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jan 4, 2022)

Sprouts.... minor chemical toxic waist.

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## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2022)




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## Wurger (Jan 4, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 4, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jan 5, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653690


Told you last time i dont need no stinking life assurance .

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 5, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653690


Honey ....no all is well. Told you that your bad dream is just a dream. Nothing to it.

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## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Jan 5, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653690


Hey - this country is the safest place on Earth. Anyone saying otherwise is talking a load of bull.

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## ThomasP (Jan 6, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jan 6, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jan 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 6, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jan 6, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jan 6, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jan 7, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653836


Are those guns real???

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## Lucky13 (Jan 7, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jan 7, 2022)



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## GTX (Jan 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 7, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jan 7, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 8, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jan 8, 2022)

Actually, a single use one ...


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## special ed (Jan 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 8, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jan 8, 2022)

Twice as funny.

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## special ed (Jan 8, 2022)

Don't know how it happened!


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## special ed (Jan 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 8, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jan 8, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 653690

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## Gnomey (Jan 8, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 8, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 9, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jan 9, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 9, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jan 9, 2022)

How many were there?
What were they wearing?
Which way did they go?
I must find them. 
I am their leader.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 10, 2022)



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## cherry blossom (Jan 10, 2022)

I found an article from the British Medical Journal Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma related to gravitational challenge: systematic review of randomised controlled trials with the conclusion:
Conclusions As with many interventions intended to prevent ill health, the effectiveness of parachutes has not been subjected to rigorous evaluation by using randomised controlled trials. Advocates of evidence based medicine have criticised the adoption of interventions evaluated by using only observational data. We think that everyone might benefit if the most radical protagonists of evidence based medicine organised and participated in a double blind, randomised, placebo controlled, crossover trial of the parachute.

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## special ed (Jan 10, 2022)

Somewhat related....

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## special ed (Jan 10, 2022)

Will the placebo parachutes be an empty pack or an umbrella?

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## bdefen (Jan 10, 2022)

"Gravitational challenge"......that's a good one.
Remember, it's not the fall, it's the sudden stop.

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## bdefen (Jan 10, 2022)

special ed said:


> Will the placebo parachutes be an empty pack or an umbrella?


And the empty placebo parachutes must be distributed in a random fashion...........

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 10, 2022)

special ed said:


> Will the placebo parachutes be an empty pack or an umbrella?


ANVIL.

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## Valdez (Jan 10, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Jan 10, 2022)

I, for one, will NOT be volunteering to participate in that trial!

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## Shortround6 (Jan 10, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> I, for one, will NOT be volunteering to participate in that trial!


I do not want to be an observer on that trail !!!!

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## Gnomey (Jan 10, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 10, 2022)



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## GTX (Jan 11, 2022)

The Australian Lamb adverts around Australia day have become an icon down under - here is the latest with subtle/not-so subtle digs at COVID:

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## Gnomey (Jan 11, 2022)




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## imalko (Jan 11, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jan 11, 2022)

GTX said:


> The Australian Lamb adverts around Australia day have become an icon down under - here is the latest with subtle/not-so subtle digs at COVID:



Thanks for this post. I've just watched about 5 of them. Sam Kekovich, what a great American!


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## MiTasol (Jan 11, 2022)

*Home Covid test*

1 open a can of beer and smell it

2 if you can smell the beer, drink it and see if you can taste it

3 if you can taste it and smell it this confirms you do not have Covid

Last night I did this test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous

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## SaparotRob (Jan 11, 2022)

Safety First!


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## buffnut453 (Jan 11, 2022)

Isn' that "Safety furrshhttt??

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## MiTasol (Jan 11, 2022)

no its "Shhaaafety furrshhttt followed by a face plant

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## buffnut453 (Jan 11, 2022)

Either that or you're doing a Sean Connery impression.

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## special ed (Jan 11, 2022)

Warning!
Dad joke:
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big McSteak.

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 11, 2022)

Ooh! I used to love the steak, egg and cheese breakfast bagel! It was my reward for going into work on saturdays.

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## buffnut453 (Jan 11, 2022)

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials. He replied, "We've got whale meat, more whale meat, yet more whale meat, and then there's the Vera Lynn." 

I asked, "What's the Very Lynn?"

He said, "Whale meat again."


I have my coat...and I'm not afraid to wear it!!!

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## Lucky13 (Jan 11, 2022)



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## GTX (Jan 12, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Thanks for this post. I've just watched about 5 of them. Sam Kekovich, what a great American!


American???

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## SaparotRob (Jan 12, 2022)

Close enough.

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## Gnomey (Jan 12, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jan 12, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Close enough.



Methinks it's time for your annual Cultural Sensitivity Training refresher.

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## Lucky13 (Jan 13, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 13, 2022)

The love dress

A mother in law stopped by unexpectedly at the newly wed couple's home. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter in law lying completely naked on the couch. 
"What are you doing?"
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work."
"But you're naked!"
"This is my love dress."
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress. It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother in law, on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying on the couch.
He walked in and saw her on the couch.
"What are you doing?"
"This is my love dress!"
"Needs ironing. What's for dinner?"

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## Lucky13 (Jan 13, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Jan 13, 2022)

When the Dr performing your *Vasectomy *says ooops

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## Gnomey (Jan 13, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Jan 13, 2022)

special ed said:


> The love dress
> 
> A mother in law stopped by unexpectedly at the newly wed couple's home. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter in law lying completely naked on the couch.
> "What are you doing?"
> ...


Told this one to my mother in law. Next month i may be able to do solid food.

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## buffnut453 (Jan 13, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Told this one to my mother in law. Next month i may be able to do solid food.



Told it to my wife...who is a mother-in-law. She almost fell off the chair laughing.

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 13, 2022)

Lock your door shut. She is not laughing. Just trying to remember how to start up the chain saw.

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## buffnut453 (Jan 13, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Lock your door shut. She is not laughing. Just trying to remember how to start up the chain saw.



We got rid of our chain saw 3 years ago....why do you think I risked sharing the joke?

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## buffnut453 (Jan 13, 2022)

A little old lady calls up her neighbour and says to him, "Please can you come over and help me. I've been given a killer of a jigsaw puzzle for Christmas, but I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her neighbour asks " What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little old lady says " According to the picture on the box it's a cockerel."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to the table where she has all the pieces spread out.

He studies the the pieces for a moment,then looks at the box, then he turns to her and says…

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to assemble all those piece's into anything that resembles a cockerel." He then gently takes her hand and says "Secondly I want you to sit down, relax, and I'll make you a nice cup of tea," and with a deep sigh……….."and then we'll put all the cornflakes back in the box."

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## MiTasol (Jan 13, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Told this one to my mother in law. Next month i may be able to do solid food.



You're a braver man than I am

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## MiTasol (Jan 13, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 13, 2022)



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## Ralph Haus (Jan 13, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 654573



I have the same picture, but with a 1960 Oldsmobile convertable. I would have had the same reaction though, being careful to not say 'who is the woman with me?'

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## ARTESH (Jan 14, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 654572


Same here, unfortunately!

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## Gnomey (Jan 14, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 14, 2022)



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## Airframes (Jan 14, 2022)



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## pbehn (Jan 14, 2022)

Airframes said:


> View attachment 654666


Beer is bought with whats left after the stash has been added to.

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## NVSMITH (Jan 14, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 654572


Except where it is called baksheesh, mordida or business as usual...

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## Lucky13 (Jan 14, 2022)



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## fubar57 (Jan 14, 2022)

Currently unavailable from Amazon

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## Lucky13 (Jan 15, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 15, 2022)



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## at6 (Jan 15, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 654685


The very day that I would have to send my Viking suit to the cleaners !!!!!!

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 15, 2022)

Damned SCA people.

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## special ed (Jan 15, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 15, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 15, 2022)



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## pbehn (Jan 15, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 654709


Road repairs in Scotland?

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## VBF-13 (Jan 15, 2022)

bdefen said:


> "Gravitational challenge"......that's a good one.
> Remember, it's not the fall, it's the sudden stop.


I remember a guy on the job who was reluctant to get up on the scaffolding. We asked him, “What are you, afraid of heights?” He answered, “No, falling.”

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## special ed (Jan 15, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 654684

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## at6 (Jan 15, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 654709





pbehn said:


> Road repairs in Scotland?


Can't be. The Scots would never spend money on a bag.


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## pbehn (Jan 15, 2022)

at6 said:


> Can't be. The Sots would never spend money on a bag.


The trick is to call it a sporran, then they pay a fortune.

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## Lucky13 (Jan 15, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jan 15, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jan 15, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 15, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jan 15, 2022)

Now i understand.

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## GTX (Jan 16, 2022)

Oh dear...

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 16, 2022)

What the f....................

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## ARTESH (Jan 16, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 654750
> 
> 
> Now i understand.


Actually that's cool! Liked it.


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## Gnomey (Jan 16, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jan 17, 2022)

First date, if it was a picture!

---






An unseen photo of Iran's Women national Card play team!

---






Written on "Dough" pockets back: 

Sooner or later, the Police will catch the criminals!

* - Criminals: refers to those who drink alcoholic beverages, as it's forbidden by law and "Sharia".

---






Every single Iranian person:

If my grandfather hadn't sell his lands too cheap, we'd have better situation right now!

---






Let me change my phone's language to Chinese.

Godammit, I can't find "Settings".

---






Me: it was a hard exam!

My friend: yes, it was. Have you answered the questions on the other side?

Me: What the ...

---






The Girls special ability:

Meanwhile they're chatting with you on Watssapp, they can block you on Telegram.

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## Gnomey (Jan 17, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 17, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Jan 17, 2022)

"Every single Iranian person:
If my grandfather hadn't sell his lands too cheap, we'd have better situation right now!"

Artesh, that's an International thought!

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 17, 2022)

In honor of Rev Martin Luther King's holiday, I give you a quote from my son, aged five, when he returned home after learning about the civil rights leader at school.
"Dad! Today we learned about a very important person! Martin Luther King, Jr.!"
Yes. And do you know why he is famous?
"Yup! He got shot!"

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## SaparotRob (Jan 17, 2022)

Oh, to be young again.


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## syscom3 (Jan 17, 2022)

Taking safety advice too literally?

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## Lucky13 (Jan 18, 2022)



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## Wayne Little (Jan 18, 2022)




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## at6 (Jan 18, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 654989


I still prefer dogs.


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## Wurger (Jan 18, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 654989



Always have been sure the cats were thickheads though.


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## Snautzer01 (Jan 18, 2022)

at6 said:


> I still prefer dogs.


Are you sure??

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## WARSPITER (Jan 18, 2022)

"I'd move heaven and earth to get par on this course", sighed the golfer to his caddy.

The caddy replied, "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth".

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## Lucky13 (Jan 18, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 19, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 19, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 19, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 19, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jan 19, 2022)

I have no idea if this is a true story....but I SO want it to be true. Even if it's not true, it's plausible given some of the "characters" in the British military:


Lt Col Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long and fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Army's Personnel Department setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free 'lump sum' award, based on completed years of service, that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension. The letter read:
"Dear Lt Col Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lieutenant Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366. Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Army Paymaster"

Col Maclaren replied;
"Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month. I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for inflation and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col, Ret'd)"

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Lt Col Maclaren's letter box. It read:
"Dear Lt Col Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March 2001. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month. We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
However, we also note that, according to our records, you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton)
The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles of Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland)
The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War)
The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade)
The Boer War (1899 -1902).
We therefore wish to know what happened to the following items, which apparently were not returned to Stores by you upon completion of operations:
9,765 Cannon
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted)
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518,119.47p. We have therefore subtracted this amount from your lump sum, leaving a residual total of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.
Yours sincerely . . . ."

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 19, 2022)

That's brilliant, and I SO hope it's true!

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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 19, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 19, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jan 19, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 655189


Where is my invitation??? 🤔

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## ARTESH (Jan 19, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> The Boer War (1899 -1902).
> We therefore wish to know what happened to the following items, which apparently were not returned to Stores by you upon completion of operations:
> 9,765 Cannon
> 26,785 Swords
> ...


I hope they didn't run out of paper, because they forgot to talk about his last 100 years of career, literally 1902 - 2001.

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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2022)

So the item list should be populated with a couple of hundreds tanks, lorries, MGs, helmets etc .. 
About the fuel I even don't mention at all

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## buffnut453 (Jan 19, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> I hope they didn't run out of paper, because they forgot to talk about his last 100 years of career, literally 1902 - 2001.





Wurger said:


> So the item list should be populated with a couple of hundreds tanks, lorries, MGs, helmets etc ..
> About the fuel I even don't mention at all



Actually, Lt Col Maclaren probably wasn't responsible for anything after the Boer War. The last British Tommy from the Great War died in 2009 so I'm guessing there were still a few officers alive from that conflict in 2001. And there were plenty of WW2 veterans still alive then, too...so pretty much all other conflicts since 1902 were covered. 

They're smart these paymasters, y'know!

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## ARTESH (Jan 19, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> They're smart these paymasters, y'know!


Smart is not enough!


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## WARSPITER (Jan 20, 2022)

I got home this morning and some bloke was stealing my side gate !!

I didn't say anything though cause I didn't want him take offense.

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## Wurger (Jan 20, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> Smart is not enough!



Sometimes that's enough.

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## Lucky13 (Jan 20, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jan 20, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 20, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 20, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jan 20, 2022)




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## at6 (Jan 21, 2022)

At first I thought it was a joke. Then I found that it's true. Be glad that you don't live in North Korea. Kim Jong Un wants each resident to poop 220 lbs of feces every day. I always knew that those people are full of sh!t.

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## SaparotRob (Jan 21, 2022)

I'm curious how he came up with that number. I guess the economic miracle of "Juche' really is working.

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## The Basket (Jan 21, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jan 21, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 21, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jan 22, 2022)

Your browser is not able to display this video.

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## SaparotRob (Jan 22, 2022)

I'm assuming the cat is a "guest" and not his pet.

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## Gnomey (Jan 22, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 22, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jan 23, 2022)

You can't mess with the newer generations! Please understand this!!!

Their school said "Upload your profiles with Hejab".

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## special ed (Jan 23, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 23, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jan 23, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> I have heard this from a Tomcat pilot. He told: "The American Instructors warned us to not do aerobatics, 0 and Negative G related flights, unless really necessary." The reason as he told, was impacts on Pilot's health and machine limits as well.
> 
> Just as a Question: Could it also be related to different Roles they have? I mean that Tomcat is not a Fighter like F-5 or not a Fighter-Bomber like F-4. In other word, different designs for different usage.


I just watched a YouTube video on Ward Carroll’s channel. 
“Iranian F-14 Tomcat Ace Reveals His Iraqi MiG-Killing Secrets”. Pretty fascinating video.

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## SaparotRob (Jan 23, 2022)

I think this is really cool. I have lived most of my life on Long Island and worked for an aviation supplier (briefly). Grumman logos all over the place. This I’ve never seen before.
This is from Mr. Carroll’s vid.

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 23, 2022)

Tomcat in Arabic.

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## Gnomey (Jan 23, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jan 23, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> I just watched a YouTube video on Ward Carroll’s channel.
> “Iranian F-14 Tomcat Ace Reveals His Iraqi MiG-Killing Secrets”. Pretty fascinating video.


I'll watch it. Maybe I can add some more info to that, or learn something new.

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## ARTESH (Jan 24, 2022)

I've seen that somewhere!?!?!?

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## special ed (Jan 24, 2022)

Another from my deceased USMC friend's legacy:

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## vikingBerserker (Jan 24, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> View attachment 655508
> 
> I think this is really cool. I have lived most of my life on Long Island and worked for an aviation supplier (briefly). Grumman logos all over the place. This I’ve never seen before.
> This is from Mr. Carroll’s vid.


That's awesome!

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## Gnomey (Jan 24, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 25, 2022)

These might have been posted before, however a second look won't hurt

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## buffnut453 (Jan 25, 2022)

This double-page spread originally appeared in the RAF Yearbook 1985. My personal favourite is the Vampire, closely followed by "Introduce the missile era - add National Servicemen....and stand well back!":

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## SaparotRob (Jan 25, 2022)

“Cheify’s not cross…”. Love it!


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## buffnut453 (Jan 25, 2022)

I also like the Meteor cartoon with the little Me262 in the background with the German pilot saying "Ve vas robbed!"

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## ARTESH (Jan 25, 2022)

Login • Instagram


Welcome back to Instagram. Sign in to check out what your friends, family & interests have been capturing & sharing around the world.




www.instagram.com





i have nothing to say!

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## Gnomey (Jan 25, 2022)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 26, 2022)




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## javlin (Jan 26, 2022)

> 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
> 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
> 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
> 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
> ...

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## special ed (Jan 26, 2022)

Warning!
Dad joke:
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?

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## special ed (Jan 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 26, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jan 26, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jan 27, 2022)



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## Crimea_River (Jan 27, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jan 27, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 27, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Jan 27, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 656053



Please tell me where you get your bone-in donuts….so I can avoid the place like the plague.

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 27, 2022)

They are _way_ cheaper.

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## Gnomey (Jan 28, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 28, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 28, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jan 28, 2022)

. . . mouse . . er . what mouse?

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## buffnut453 (Jan 28, 2022)

What donuts?

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## ThomasP (Jan 28, 2022)

. . . now there are donuts?

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## ThomasP (Jan 29, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 29, 2022)



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## special ed (Jan 29, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jan 29, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 655959


This reminds me of the signs that read "COMPACT ONLY" So I park my Grand Caravan there because it's a _mini-_van.

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## Gnomey (Jan 29, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 30, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jan 30, 2022)




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## special ed (Jan 31, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jan 31, 2022)

Well, at least Jim got his close-up.

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## Gnomey (Jan 31, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jan 31, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jan 31, 2022)

I must be old. I'm familiar with all those.

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## ThomasP (Feb 1, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Feb 1, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 1, 2022)

Waiting

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## Lucky13 (Feb 1, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 1, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 1, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Feb 1, 2022)

I was waaaay off with Doc Martin.


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## Gnomey (Feb 1, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 1, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 2, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 2, 2022)




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## special ed (Feb 3, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 3, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Feb 4, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 4, 2022)




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## Wurger (Feb 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 4, 2022)

'I don't care that they stole my ideas....I care that they don't have any of their own'

Nikola Tesla

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## MiTasol (Feb 4, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 4, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Feb 4, 2022)

Quote from Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes:

"The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive."

My own experience tends to confirm that. When I got to the best, most exciting, most rewarding job I ever had I would not have known how to get there had I decided I wanted to do that when I entered college. But when I got the job I found I was the best qualified person to do it in the world.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 5, 2022)



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## GTX (Feb 5, 2022)

That might be way too close to home for some of us...

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## Lucky13 (Feb 5, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 5, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Feb 5, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 5, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 5, 2022)

A young female colleague had gone on vacation with her boyfriend. When she returned, she exclaimed that she had so much fun. they had shared a room and it was just like being married.
I asked her if they had made love every night and again in the morning.
She: Yes!
Did you argue about money?
She: Of course not! 
Then that ain't marriage, honey!

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## Wurger (Feb 5, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Feb 5, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Feb 5, 2022)

From the same site - how Facebook etc operate

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## special ed (Feb 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 5, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Feb 6, 2022)

That's like the "Concentrate" light on copy machines. I can tell you from personal experience that when the stupid thing quits working and that light comes on you can concentrate on it for hours and it does no good at all!

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## Gnomey (Feb 6, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Feb 8, 2022)

When you mix World of Tanks and DnD ...








They've knocked out our Wizard, We are susceptible to magic attacks now.

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## special ed (Feb 8, 2022)

It's the same with the Kodak self loading camera when it came out. I took it from the box, put it on the table and opened a pack of 35mm film and got a cup of coffee to watch. After several minutes, I figured since it was new, it needed time to get adjusted so I watched TV a while. It still had not loaded itself, so before I went to bed, I moved the film closer to the camera so that it wouldn't be too far away. In the morning, it had not loaded itself......oh well, another bubble burst.

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## Airframes (Feb 9, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Feb 9, 2022)

So true.


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## Greg Boeser (Feb 9, 2022)

You can't lick up an escaped balloon.

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## Acheron (Feb 9, 2022)

"I'm with the police now."
"Really? How do you like it?"
"Not sure yet, They caught be only an hour ago."

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## Wurger (Feb 9, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Feb 9, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> You can't lick up an escaped balloon.



Oh yes you can…it’s just a question of how high you are.

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## special ed (Feb 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 9, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 9, 2022)




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## Wurger (Feb 10, 2022)




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## GTX (Feb 10, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Feb 10, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 657553


I think we need a "WTF?" award.

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## special ed (Feb 10, 2022)

Well, it is North Carolina.

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## Gnomey (Feb 10, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Feb 10, 2022)

Its for zombies. LHBT*Z *djeez you guys... so un-sensitive

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## special ed (Feb 10, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 10, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Feb 10, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 657553


Obviously this public servant web page designer wins this years obliviot award.

*Obliv*ious Id*iot*

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## MiTasol (Feb 10, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 657577


We had one of those and he only stole a certain type of meat pie.

One victim carefully lifted the lid and replaced the filling with minced jalapenos and made sure it was at the front of the pie warmer with _Nick _on the bag instead of his name

For some strange reason the problem went away

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## special ed (Feb 11, 2022)

When I started my career after the Air Force (1962), I was in a department with three men in their mid 50s who had all been WW2 vets (non combat) but still had the military attitude. We often walked to the "Please-U" restaurant for lunch, where Russell would complain that the biscuits were yesterday's. One day after knocking the rock hard biscuit on the table, he carefully cut a slot in all of them and inserted cigarette butts. After that they always served freshly made biscuits.

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## MIflyer (Feb 11, 2022)

At my grandparents house some decades ago, my uncle came in late one night, fixed himself something to eat, and went to bed. The next morning he asked, "What kind of potted meat was that in the fridge? I made myself a sandwich with it last night and it was not bad."

My grandmother replied, "You must be talking about that bowl of dogfood I put in there."

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## Gnomey (Feb 11, 2022)




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## special ed (Feb 11, 2022)

A buddy of mine, a huge rams fan, has two super bowl tickets on the 40 yard line 20 rows up. He paid $4500 for each ticket. He bought them not realizing it was going to be the same day as his wedding, probably because of the extra game this Year. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place free of charge.
It's at the Calvary Church in San Clemente at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's about 5'4" roughly 115 pounds, very pretty and a decent cook.
She'll be the one in the white dress.

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## buffnut453 (Feb 11, 2022)

I had a job interview the other day. At one point the interviewer asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I thought it was an odd question but I gave it my best try. I followed it up with my rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. I think I nailed it!

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## buffnut453 (Feb 11, 2022)

And, in case anyone doesn't get it, here are the incomparable David Bowie and Queen performing the song:

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 11, 2022)

And then Vanilla Ice stole the intro.


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## MIflyer (Feb 12, 2022)

special ed said:


> She'll be the one in the white dress.


Is she performing at half time?

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## Lucky13 (Feb 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 12, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Feb 12, 2022)

What_ is _that?


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## Wurger (Feb 12, 2022)

A gutter ...


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## Snautzer01 (Feb 12, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> What_ is _that?


Ski trail.

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## Airframes (Feb 12, 2022)

No Parking yellow lines used in the UK - local Council gone mad !!!

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 12, 2022)

Ahh yes departement of silly walks is alive and kicking. Strangly but kicking.

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## MIflyer (Feb 12, 2022)

What do you call Vodka mixed with Milk of Magnesia?





Answer: A Phillips Screwdriver

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## Gnomey (Feb 12, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Feb 12, 2022)

What do you call Vodka with prune juice

Pile driver


(In some countries hemorrhoids are called piles)

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## special ed (Feb 12, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 12, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 12, 2022)

Airframes said:


> No Parking yellow lines used in the UK - local Council gone mad !!!


I got that, but that lane seems awfully narrow even for British standards.


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## Shortround6 (Feb 12, 2022)

Well, you can park your Triumph Tiger Cub in there if you use the center stand 

and they don't count the handle bars.

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## at6 (Feb 13, 2022)

I used to work with a guy who's last name was Pyle. He was offended when I asked if he had a sign in front of his house saying "The Pyles".

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## MIflyer (Feb 13, 2022)

I just went to the local CVS Pharmacy. When I walked up to the computerized self-checkout the machine said, "Welcome! Please select your language."

Dammit! FORTRAN was not even on the list!

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## Wurger (Feb 13, 2022)

And COBOL was there?

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## ARTESH (Feb 13, 2022)

Elvish? Demonic? Dragon Language?

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## special ed (Feb 13, 2022)

Profane or vulger

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## SaparotRob (Feb 13, 2022)

I always seem to be accused of using inappropriate language.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 13, 2022)

I talk dos to the machines. Scares the crap out of them.

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## special ed (Feb 13, 2022)

When I serviced Kodak's blood analyser (it had 22 computers, 20 answering to two) the customers often commented about me talking to the instrument. When asked what I told it, I pointed out that I was still in charge, I could unplug it. That often worked with operation smoothing right out.

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## Gnomey (Feb 13, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 14, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 14, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 14, 2022)




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## The Basket (Feb 14, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 14, 2022)




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## special ed (Feb 14, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 14, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 14, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 15, 2022)

Take cover ....


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## MIflyer (Feb 15, 2022)

Relative to the International Guide to Problem Solving, I recall reading that in North Africa, as a tank combat engagement wound down, command would receive radio requests for permission to "brew up." In other words, stop and make a pot of tea.

And in one combat, with everyone fighting like mad, a radio message came through telling a unit to "brew up." Everyone knew it was a German ploy, because no one was going to stop and make tea with the shells still flying. Obviously the Germans had concluded that "Brew Up" was a codeword indicating orders to disengage.

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## SaparotRob (Feb 15, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 658048


The man with a cunning plan.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 15, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> The man with a cunning plan.


No this is.

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## Dana Bell (Feb 15, 2022)

Ah, but would he know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced about on a harpsichord singing, "Cunning plans are here again?"

Cheers,



Dana

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## SaparotRob (Feb 15, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> No this is.
> 
> 
> View attachment 658082


Depends on which season.


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## Snautzer01 (Feb 15, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Depends on which season.


The catchphrase "I have a cunning plan" made its first appearance in the pilot episode, but it is not regularly used until the third series; Blackadder had mentioned the phrase twice in the first series and Baldrick once. Baldrick had also claimed to have "a plan" in a "cunning" voice on one occasion in _Blackadder II_. In the final episode of the last series, _Blackadder Goes Forth_, Baldrick announces that he has a cunning plan to save the main characters from "going over the top", although it is never revealed what this plan might be (other than that it is "as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at the University of Oxford"). Blackadder, perhaps realising he cannot postpone going into battle (and certain death) indefinitely, dismisses it, telling Baldrick "Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of here by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman around here?"

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## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Feb 15, 2022)

Why not? Europe kept inviting us to their games.

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## SaparotRob (Feb 15, 2022)

Please don’t ban me.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 15, 2022)

Why? Its true.

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## SaparotRob (Feb 15, 2022)

“Truth? You can’t handle the truth. No truth handler you!”
Sideshow Bob.

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## buffnut453 (Feb 15, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> “Truth? You can’t handle the truth. No truth handler you!”
> Sideshow Bob.



Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you WANT me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 15, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 15, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Feb 15, 2022)

A guy goes to the ballgame. He gets some popcorn and a beer and finds his seat. No sooner has he sat down than he hears someone behind him yell, "Frank!"
He puts down the beer, puts down the popcorn, stands up and scans the people behind him, but sees no one he knows.

Five minutes later the same thing occurs. "Frank!" He puts down his beer and puts down his popcorn, stands up, and scans behind him but sees no one who knows him. 

Five minutes later, "Frank!" Furious, he puts down his beer, puts down his popcorn, stands up, scans, again sees no one he recognizes, and then yells, "Hey! My name's not Frank!"

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## special ed (Feb 15, 2022)

Reilly is on trial for robbery. The jury foreman announced, "Not guilty."
"That's great!" Shouts Reilly, "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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## MIflyer (Feb 15, 2022)

I heard of an actual case where they had a witness on the stand who described a robbery committed by two men.

The prosecuting attorney then asked the witness, "And are those two men in this courtroom?"

The two defendants stood up.

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## SaparotRob (Feb 15, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> I heard of an actual case where they had a witness on the stand who described a robbery committed by two men.
> 
> The prosecuting attorney then asked the witness, "And are those two men in this courtroom?"
> 
> The two defendants stood up.


I can't figure out what to award your post with, MIflyer. That's tv sitcom funny.

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## special ed (Feb 15, 2022)

A policeman friend of my brother-in-law (also a cop) told of an encounter where they had one of the perpetrators and his partner (named Neale) was looking for the other. Every time cop #1 would call his partner, the suspect would get on his knees and then was told "Stand up."

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 16, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> A guy goes to the ballgame. He gets some popcorn and a beer and finds his seat. No sooner has he sat down than he hears someone behind him yell, "Frank!"
> He puts down the beer, puts down the popcorn, stands up and scans the people behind him, but sees no one he knows.
> 
> Five minutes later the same thing occurs. "Frank!" He puts down his beer and puts down his popcorn, stands up, and scans behind him but sees no one who knows him.
> ...



Frank as in ordering a Frankfurter ? Not into baseball so..

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## Gnomey (Feb 16, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 16, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 16, 2022)

Tomcat forever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I really wish we had kept the tomcat it was a very good plane could still hold its own today. Shes fast and very armed carrying AIM-54s plus a cannon and a bombload if you need her to. There was no need for the F-18 anything it can do the tomcat can better LONG LIVE THE TOMCAT YOU WILL BE MISSED



ww2aircraft.net

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## GTX (Feb 16, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 16, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 658187

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## MIflyer (Feb 16, 2022)

Many years back a friend of mine went down to Haiti to pick up a T-6 that the Air Force there had sold; a couple of airline pilots had bought it and his contribution to the partnership was getting it flying and back to the US. He got it in flying condition and headed home, his first US landfall being at Opa Locka Airport. When he landed and turned onto the taxiway he realized the tail wheel tire had disintegrated and told the tower he had to pull off onto the grass.

He got out, unzipped, and proceeded to do what everyone does after a long flight where you could not get out of your seat. His urinary reverie was interrupted by a troop of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cosplay enthusiasts who seemed to be under the impression that they were members of some law enforcement authority. They pointed automatic weapons at him and yelled a lot. "Put your hands up!" "Don't Move!" (Which is it?) "Who are you?" "Shaddup!" (Again, folks, those are mutually exclusive). He eventally was allowed to put himself back in his pants and produce documentation, one of which was his passport. He had been employed by NASA, and thus had been issued a Red Federal Government passport. 

At this point the Ninja Turtles put two and two together and got the obvious answer: 22. 
1. Unmarked military aircraft.
2. Scruffy looking fellow flying it.
3. Red Government passport.
4. IT"S THE FRIGGIN' CIA RUNNING AN OP!!!!! WE DONE SCREWED UP BIG TIME GUYS! VAMOOSE!!!!!

They suddenly recalled pressing business elsewhere and departed without asking him if he needed lift, leaving him to hike up to the populated area of the airport and find a new tailwheel tire.

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## gumbyk (Feb 16, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Many years back a friend of mine went down to Haiti to pick up a T-6 that the Air Force there had sold; a couple of airline pilots had bought it and his contribution to the partnership was getting it flying and back to the US. He got it in flying condition and headed home, his first US landfall being at Opa Locka Airport. When he landed and turned onto the taxiway he realized the tail wheel tire had disintegrated and told the tower he had to pull off onto the grass.
> 
> He got out, unzipped, and proceeded to do what everyone does after a long flight where you could not get out of your seat. His urinary reverie was interrupted by a troop of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cosplay enthusiasts who seemed to be under the impression that they were members of some law enforcement authority. They pointed automatic weapons at him and yelled a lot. "Put your hands up!" "Don't Move!" (Which is it?) "Who are you?" "Shaddup!" (Again, folks, those are mutually exclusive). He eventally was allowed to put himself back in his pants and produce documentation, one of which was his passport. He had been employed by NASA, and thus had been issued a Red Federal Government passport.
> 
> ...


Completely believable, unfortunately.
We had a Spitfire held up by US customs, thinking they were intercepting an arms trade.

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## special ed (Feb 17, 2022)

I have pictures of Australian ex RAAF trainers in Mississippi unflyable (legally) because the regional FAA declared them war weapons and would only allow experimental registration. The owner didn't want that, so there they sat although another of the same type in California was flying with GA regn.


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## gumbyk (Feb 17, 2022)

special ed said:


> I have pictures of Australian ex RAAF trainers in Mississippi unflyable (legally) because the regional FAA declared them war weapons and would only allow experimental registration. The owner didn't want that, so there they sat although another of the same type in California was flying with GA regn.


Were those the CT-4's? 
Generally, military aircraft don't have a civilian type certificate, so can't be given a standard Cert of Airworthiness.


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## special ed (Feb 17, 2022)

I think they were. The photos are now not organized yet from a move. It is the trainer developed from civilian light 3-4 seater. None of the civil versions had yet been imported to the US so these were first of type with only military certificate. When I asked how did he think the California aircraft was certified General Aviation. the owner got angry and began to list all his grievences with the FAA, the Atlanta region, and one FAA individual in particular. I let him rant, agreed with him, thanked him for his allowing my photos and got the hell out. At the time, and/or shortly after, the airport was sold and a new one built some miles away leaving only a piece of runway and road which the man owned. There was one other light plane outside and a small closed hangar on his land. I had asked how he would get the planes out and was told we still use it. This may be the same rather gruff gentleman I encountered, somewhere else?, near there when I saw an E.E.Lightning in his shed. and I believe another, but it was dark inside and it was obvious I was not welcome. I'm used to that.

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## gumbyk (Feb 17, 2022)

special ed said:


> I think they were. The photos are now not organized yet from a move. It is the trainer developed from civilian light 3-4 seater. None of the civil versions had yet been imported to the US so these were first of type with only military certificate. When I asked how did he think the California aircraft was certified General Aviation. the owner got angry and began to list all his grievences with the FAA, the Atlanta region, and one FAA individual in particular. I let him rant, agreed with him, thanked him for his allowing my photos and got the hell out. At the time, and/or shortly after, the airport was sold and a new one built some miles away leaving only a piece of runway and road which the man owned. There was one other light plane outside and a small closed hangar on his land. I had asked how he would get the planes out and was told we still use it. This may be the same rather gruff gentleman I encountered, somewhere else?, near there when I saw an E.E.Lightning in his shed. and I believe another, but it was dark inside and it was obvious I was not welcome. I'm used to that.


Sounds like he bought a 'bargain' thinking they were military versions of the Airtourer. While they look similar, the CT-4 is quite a bit larger 
Think C-172 vs. C-182. They're both 4-seat, single engine aircraft with the same layout; the differences become more apparent when they're side-by-side.


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## special ed (Feb 17, 2022)

These were low wing 2 seat with a small sideways seat behind the main seats, very pretty planes. I guess I'll finally have to set up my slide scanner.


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## special ed (Feb 17, 2022)

Warning: 
Dad joke
A tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off the boat?"
"Well, if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

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## Gnomey (Feb 17, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Feb 17, 2022)

Kind of like the old story about the guy dragging the chain down the road.


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## special ed (Feb 17, 2022)

An Irish Blonde In A Casino

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said. "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." 
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue shouted, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up an down and squealed. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each dealer, picked up her winnings and her clothes and departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one said, "What did she roll?"
"I don't know, I thought you were watching the dice."

Moral:
Not all Irish are drunks
Not all blondes are dumb
But men are men

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## Lucky13 (Feb 18, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Feb 18, 2022)

The young ones. One of the best shows ever.

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## ARTESH (Feb 18, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 18, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Feb 18, 2022)




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## Frog (Feb 19, 2022)

By chance, I don't have a Beretta :

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## MIflyer (Feb 19, 2022)

If you did own one you could bring it in taken apart and it would not look like that.

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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

Warning!

Old Dad joke:
Stanley called 911 and said, "Send an ambulance, my wife is going to have a baby!"
"Tell me ,is this her first baby?"
"No, this is her husband Kevin speaking."

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 19, 2022)

Reminds me of a story my brother in law told me. He used to work as an EMT for the county, and one night they got a call for a woman in labor.
When they arrived he could see that the woman was in heavy labor and asked, "How long has she been this way?"
The husband replied, "Nine months!"

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## Lucky13 (Feb 19, 2022)



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## The Basket (Feb 19, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 19, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 19, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

"RAC Motoring Services"
"Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
"Does the policy name give You a clue?"

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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

"operator"
"Please give me the number for the knitwear company in Woven?"
"Woven? Are you sure?"
"Yes..That's what it says on the label...Woven in Scotland."

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 19, 2022)

My pony had a bad cough yesterday. Today it's just a little hoarse.

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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

"Operator"
"I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please."
"I'm sorry, there is no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
"Well, It used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

Had enough? OK,I'll quit.

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 19, 2022)

One cannibal looked at the other across the table. "You know, I've never cared for your mother."
"Just eat the noodles, then!"

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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

Have you heard about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 19, 2022)

Q: Why don't cannibals like clowns?

A: They taste funny.

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 19, 2022)

Never be late for dinner with a cannibal.
They'll give you the cold shoulder.

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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

Hey! Did we go to the same high school?

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 19, 2022)

Don't make me start in with the guy with no arms and legs jokes!

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## special ed (Feb 19, 2022)

OK. I said I'll quit. Well, for today.

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 19, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Feb 19, 2022)




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## at6 (Feb 19, 2022)

Like the kid born with no legs. They named him Neal.

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## at6 (Feb 19, 2022)

There was a girl with one leg. She was named Eileen.

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## WARSPITER (Feb 19, 2022)

The man with a shovel in his head called Doug ?

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## WARSPITER (Feb 19, 2022)

The man without a shovel in he is head called Dougless ?

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## special ed (Feb 20, 2022)

The deafmute who fell down a well and broke three fingers calling for help. It IS the next day here.

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## WARSPITER (Feb 20, 2022)

The man who lives in a pile of leaves - Russell.

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## MiTasol (Feb 20, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Swatting a tarantula with a shirt? That'll just make the tarantula angry.


Yeah - much better to sneak up on it and spray it with Krylon quick dry clear, drop it in clear resin and then mount it in a door knob or whatever

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## MiTasol (Feb 20, 2022)

at6 said:


> I heard about that. That means that schools are staffed by over paid baby sitters. Next it will be California. Hell, the kids here are already dumb enough.


Nah -- Next thing Oregon students will qualify as Florida residents. Ca residents have double the maximum IQ allowed there.

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## MiTasol (Feb 20, 2022)

bdefen said:


> Maybe I've missed the humor here, but I can find a flaw in his logic....that little shithead is mistaken. If Mr. Bezos gave each of the 7.8 billion people on this earth ONE DOLLAR, he would still have his $177.5 billion left. Gee, what a nice gift. Perhaps Mr. Logician is yet another product of the public education system in the U.S.A.
> 
> Now, if Mr. Bezos gave each of the 7.8 billion people on this earth $10, totaling $78 billion, he'd still have $107.3 billion left over. Again, gee, what a nice gift.
> 
> ...



And the government will waste it on more pay for bankers and politicians and other oxygen stealers.

Bezos at least funds hospitals, schools and universities and other things the voters need.

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## MiTasol (Feb 20, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> And anti-Semitic. See...it just gets worse and worse. VB should really banish himself to the naughty corner.


And drink lots of himself until he feels better

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## MiTasol (Feb 20, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Badly-dressed, faintly ridiculous bellhops!



With medals for getting out of bed, standing up, saluting and other less onerous tasks

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## MIflyer (Feb 20, 2022)

Back in the 1980's I was traveling to the Wash DC area, had been there once before, and only knew of one motel that I knew I could find near Dulles airport. So I called diectory service and asked for the phone number of the hotel, in Tyson's Corner.

The operator said she could not find the number. I replied that maybe it was not in Tyson's Corner but someplace nearby.

She sounded rather cross when she replied, "Oh, it's in Tyson's Corner! I drive by it on the way to work every day! But I can't find the phone number!"

You know you're in trouble when the operator can't find the phone number of an establishment she drives by every day. But that was the norm in the DC area. It would take three or four calls to Directory Assistance to find someone who knew how to look up a phone number.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 20, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 20, 2022)




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## special ed (Feb 20, 2022)

It IS a California license tag.

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## special ed (Feb 20, 2022)

Wheel repair

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## Gnomey (Feb 20, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Feb 20, 2022)

I live in the south and see nothing wrong with that.

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## Wurger (Feb 21, 2022)




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## special ed (Feb 21, 2022)

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked, "Do you know him?"
"Yes. He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking just after we split and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Amazing. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

That's when the fight started.

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 21, 2022)

That's just awesome

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## special ed (Feb 21, 2022)

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, slipped into the garage, hooked up the boat to the van and backed out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 miles per hour, so I drove back into the garage, turned on the radio and found the weather would be bad all day.
I went into the house and quietly undressed and slipped into bed. 
I cuddled my wife's back with anticipation and whispered, "The weather is terrible out there."
"And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 21, 2022)

special ed said:


> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, slipped into the garage, hooked up the boat to the van and backed out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 miles per hour, so I drove back into the garage, turned on the radio and found the weather would be bad all day.
> I went into the house and quietly undressed and slipped into bed.
> I cuddled my wife's back with anticipation and whispered, "The weather is terrible out there."
> "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
> ...


I do like those dad jokes.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 21, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 658668
> 
> 
> Wheel repair


That thing has more switches then a F-15.

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 21, 2022)

from theChive

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## special ed (Feb 21, 2022)

After retiring, I went to the social Security office to register and apply. 
When the lady at the counter asked for my drivers license, I realised I had left my wallet home.
I said I was sorry and would have to go home and get it .
She said, "I have most of your information here. I just I.D. showing your age.. Unbutton your shirt."
"That grey hair on your chest is good enough."
She then processed my application.
When I got home, I told my wife of the experience at Social Security.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

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## Gnomey (Feb 21, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 21, 2022)

What kind of shoes do plumbers like?

A: Clogs

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## WARSPITER (Feb 21, 2022)

Got given a romance novel - Lovers Leap by Hugo First

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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 21, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 21, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 658897


That is so post #16,461.

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## buffnut453 (Feb 21, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> That is so post #16,461.



Phew....I thought I was having deja vu.

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 21, 2022)

I thought it was Groundhog's Day.
😱


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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> That is so post #16,461.



I just noticed it! 😳😲😆😂

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## vikingBerserker (Feb 22, 2022)

I live in the south and see nothing wrong with that. (Part II)

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## Crimea_River (Feb 22, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> I live in the south and see nothing wrong with that. (Part II)



I'm from the north. It needs a third vice-grip otherwise it will wobble when you steer around a moose.

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## Acheron (Feb 22, 2022)

A British gentleman comes home early and finds his best friend sleeping with his wife. He cries out "George! I must, but why you?"

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## SaparotRob (Feb 22, 2022)

Crimea_River said:


> I'm from the north. It needs a third vice-grip otherwise it will wobble when you steer around a moose.


Good to know.


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## Gnomey (Feb 22, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 22, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Feb 22, 2022)

And it has a drive-through. I love Texas.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2022)



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## Wurger (Feb 23, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 23, 2022)

One day I hope to die penniless.
It means I finally broke even.

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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 23, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Feb 23, 2022)

A friend of mine who was in the USAAF in WWII, trained to be a B-32 gunship gunner, said that he and another enlisted man were at a base around the end of the war and watched a helicopter take off. The other guy uttered one of the all time best quotes about rotary winged flying machines;

"I would not be too scared to fly in one of those but I would be too embarrassed."

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## MIflyer (Feb 23, 2022)

Reference # 16488

I was on an airliner once flying across Southern North Carolina, from New Bern to Charlotte I think, and I could see to the North there was a spot where it sure looked like they had built a bridge out over a lake and then turned and went down the length of it, rather on solid dry land a few hundred feet further to the west or to the East. I can't conceive why anyone would do that but I am sure it involved politics.


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## MIflyer (Feb 23, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> I live in the south and see nothing wrong with that. (Part II)



In fact my Dad had a vice grip plier serving as the inside door handle on his 1946 Chevy pickup which he purchased from the SC Highway Department, so I second that. Don't try it with the Chinese copies; I have bent a couple of those with nought but my hands.

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## Greg Boeser (Feb 23, 2022)

Harbor Freight. 
If you need a tool real bad,
We've got some really bad tools.
So, how bad do you need it?

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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Feb 24, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Feb 24, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 659171


Everyday life here ...

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## Wayne Little (Feb 24, 2022)

very true Jan......Resistance is Futile....

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## Gnomey (Feb 24, 2022)




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## special ed (Feb 24, 2022)



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## Frog (Feb 25, 2022)

special ed said:


> In keeping with the theme of the military actions in the world, this may be of interest.
> 
> View attachment 659311



You are insulting my country and the memory of the 100 000 who were killed during this invasion, a casualty rate on par with WW 1 worst days.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 25, 2022)

While I am certain no ill-will or disrespect was intended, it was an attempt at humor, I completely can understand your sentiments 
F
 Frog
.

Everyone please do not post things like this in the future. There should never be any perceived or actual insults to our brothers in arms.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 25, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> While I am certain no ill-will or disrespect was intended, it was an attempt at humor, I completely can understand your sentiments
> F
> Frog
> .
> ...


I saw this post and i do think it was funny. There is no one on this board who would think the French didnt fight hard. Facts included. Airforce wise they were amazing. 
Now i also think this board is not a kindergarten with special sensitive members. There are by far more jokes on americans army then on the french on this board. 
For me if i cant joke about my friends without them getting back with a good one well ...

Just my opinion. I wave my little white flag.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 25, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> I saw this post and i do think it was funny. There is no one on this board who would think the French didnt fight hard. Facts included. Airforce wise they were amazing.
> Now i also think this board is not a kindergarten with special sensitive members. There are by far more jokes on americans army then on the french on this board.
> For me if i cant joke about my friends without them getting back with a good one well ...
> 
> Just my opinion. I wave my little white flag.



You can also try and understand that others may see things differently.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 25, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> You can also try and understand that others may see things differently.


Yes i can. I hope therefor i hope feelings about jokes are not taken so seriously. On this board jokes are ment to be fun. I think this one is taken to be be more serious as poster intended or readers should take it. Its a joke. Not a slur.

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## SaparotRob (Feb 25, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 659310


I believe U.S.S. Wisconsin's reply to the DD was "They started".

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 25, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> I believe U.S.S. Wisconsin's reply to the DD was "They started".


I have grinning all day. Funny as heck.

Its like the dude who thought it to be funny to throw his coke on a girl. Moment later he found out painfully she is a top mai tai fighter. 
God so funny when she kicks his ass so hard .
Waiwai hhi hard kick back waiiiiwiii kick to a place man dont want tto talk about. Quite a fighter.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 25, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Yes i can. I hope therefor i hope feelings about jokes are not taken so seriously. On this board jokes are ment to be fun. I think this one is taken to be be more serious as poster intended or readers should take it. Its a joke. Not a slur.



I don’t disagree. I chuckled when I saw it as well. Our French friend does not find it amusing, and I can understand why.

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## special ed (Feb 25, 2022)

I have had this joke a long time from my Marine friends' military emailings and didn't use it because of our French members. I decided only because we needed to lighten up. I mean no insult as I live in the French Acadian part of Louisiana. Besides, it could have been Italian... oh, did it again.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Feb 25, 2022)

special ed said:


> I have had this joke a long time from my Marine friends' military emailings and didn't use it because of our French members. I decided only because we needed to lighten up. I mean no insult as I live in the French Acadian part of Louisiana. Besides, it could have been Italian... oh, did it again.



No worries my friend.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 25, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Feb 25, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 25, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Feb 25, 2022)

special ed said:


> I have had this joke a long time from my Marine friends' military emailings and didn't use it because of our French members. I decided only because we needed to lighten up. I mean no insult as I live in the French Acadian part of Louisiana. Besides, it could have been Italian... oh, did it again.


The two-hand salute may have been popularized by the French, but, as with all French fashions, it quickly spread. By mid 1945 even the Germans were doing it.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 26, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> The two-hand salute may have been popularized by the French, but, as with all French fashions, it quickly spread. By mid 1945 even the Germans were doing it.


The Germans were experts in it. But to be fair had lots more expierence then other players.

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## Marcel (Feb 26, 2022)

Change of subject. I thought this was appropriate for the current situation.

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## special ed (Feb 26, 2022)



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## GTX (Feb 26, 2022)

Marcel said:


> View attachment 659458


Amen brother!!!

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## MiTasol (Feb 26, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> A friend of mine who was in the USAAF in WWII, trained to be a B-32 gunship gunner, said that he and another enlisted man were at a base around the end of the war and watched a helicopter take off. The other guy uttered one of the all time best quotes about rotary winged flying machines;
> 
> "I would not be too scared to fly in one of those but I would be too embarrassed."
> 
> View attachment 659157


Everything old is new again

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## Gnomey (Feb 26, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Feb 26, 2022)

If, as mentioned by Rod Serling up-thread, in another world YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook merged to form YouTwitFace - does that mean that in some other world YouTube, Meta, and Twitter have merged to form YouMetaTwit?

NOTE: In this case the definition of Meta is today's colloquial meaning of about itself, ie "meta-X equals X about X." So, if we take the word "data" for our X, and add the prefix _meta-_ to it, we get _metadata_, or "data about data." A _meta-text_ is a text about texts, _metacognition_ is thinking about thinking, . . .

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## ThomasP (Feb 26, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Feb 26, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> If, as mentioned by Rod Serling up-thread, in another world YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook merged to form YouTwitFace - does that mean that in some other world YouTube, Meta, and Twitter have merged to form YouMetaTwit?
> 
> NOTE: In this case the definition of Meta is today's colloquial meaning of about itself, ie "meta-X equals X about X." So, if we take the word "data" for our X, and add the prefix _meta-_ to it, we get _metadata_, or "data about data." A _meta-text_ is a text about texts, _metacognition_ is thinking about thinking, . . .


My head hurts now.

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## SaparotRob (Feb 26, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 659492


I peed myself a little.

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## MiTasol (Feb 26, 2022)

some old ones from fax days

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## MiTasol (Feb 27, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Feb 27, 2022)

Finished my last book and started a new one - Cat's Revenge by Claude Balls...

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## MiTasol (Feb 27, 2022)

Is that the author in the post 16,537 above??


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## SaparotRob (Feb 27, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Finished my last book and started a new one - Cat's Revenge by Claude Balls...


Accidentally hit reply.

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## Snautzer01 (Feb 27, 2022)

Accidentally hit like.

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## WARSPITER (Feb 27, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Is that the author in the post 16,537 above??


No that is one about hanging out for pussy.

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## ThomasP (Feb 27, 2022)



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## special ed (Feb 27, 2022)

I ran across this pic of Gunny Ermy. I'll tell you a true story. Many years ago I had been anticipating the new military TV series narrated by him. The first show, I got comfy in the recliner to watch. I anticipated the commercial break to make a quick pee break. At the start of the commercial break, I began to push off the recliner just as this picture of Ermy appeared and shouted in his D.I. voice, "Keep your candy ass in that recliner till I get back!" I actually paused in pushing off.

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## Gnomey (Feb 27, 2022)




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## Wurger (Feb 27, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Feb 27, 2022)



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## Prop Duster (Feb 28, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Is that the author in the post 16,537 above??


Numbers go THAT high?

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## at6 (Feb 28, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Is that the author in the post 16,537 above??





Prop Duster said:


> Numbers go THAT high?
> View attachment 659620


You not have read Color Pics For A Model That I'm Building started by ROADKING.

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## special ed (Feb 28, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Feb 28, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Feb 28, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Feb 28, 2022)

fubar57 said:


> I was on my phone....in the dark......trying to fix a hole with 3' minus road material......



You reminded me of this one

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## ThomasP (Mar 1, 2022)

Hey MiTasol,

I did not know you had visited Minnesota in the Spring.

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## MiTasol (Mar 1, 2022)

Or PNG at any time of year tho there the potholes are bigger than Texas.

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## GrauGeist (Mar 1, 2022)

I'll just leave this here...

(Yes, I'm going to hell, but I'm going to take as many as I can with me)

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## Snautzer01 (Mar 1, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 1, 2022)




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## special ed (Mar 1, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 1, 2022)




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## v2 (Mar 2, 2022)

...

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## Gnomey (Mar 2, 2022)




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## Wurger (Mar 2, 2022)




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## Graeme (Mar 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 2, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 3, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Mar 3, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Mar 3, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 660008


Not only that, Imagine how horrible the "parallel universe" theory can be!!!

Full of Dragons, Gargoyles, Vampires, Zombies, etc ...

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## ARTESH (Mar 3, 2022)

Meanwhile in Iran:






You know, these days, you should have at least two jobs ... Just to live ...

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## Lucky13 (Mar 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 4, 2022)



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## GTX (Mar 4, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Mar 4, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 660111


Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

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## cammerjeff (Mar 4, 2022)

Oh my head is still spinning after reading that post Insert head slap emoji!

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## Gnomey (Mar 4, 2022)




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## special ed (Mar 4, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 4, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Mar 5, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 5, 2022)




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## at6 (Mar 5, 2022)

It's really sad to buy a woman a drink to find out that while there may be large boobs, she also has a pickle down below. That happened to a friend of mine once.

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## special ed (Mar 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 5, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Mar 5, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 660245


Is that at6 friend? Must be.

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## at6 (Mar 5, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 660245





Snautzer01 said:


> Is that at6 friend? Must be.


No!!! There's no cellulite.


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## Snautzer01 (Mar 5, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Mar 5, 2022)

at6 said:


> It's really sad to buy a woman a drink to find out that while there may be large boobs, she also has a pickle down below. That happened to a friend of mine once.


He was a gentleman.

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## Gnomey (Mar 5, 2022)




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## Airframes (Mar 6, 2022)

I might have posted this one before, but maybe worth another go.

A blind friend of mine recently moved into a new house. One of the "house warming" gifts he received was a cheese grater.
He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read ............

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## SaparotRob (Mar 6, 2022)

It was posted but I needed the laugh. Thanks.


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## special ed (Mar 6, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Mar 6, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 7, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Mar 7, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 7, 2022)



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## Prop Duster (Mar 8, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 8, 2022)




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## special ed (Mar 8, 2022)



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## Prop Duster (Mar 8, 2022)



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## Prop Duster (Mar 8, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 8, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Mar 8, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 9, 2022)

from Chive.com

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## Gnomey (Mar 9, 2022)




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## special ed (Mar 10, 2022)

Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of his people, visits a school in Moscow to chat with the children.
He talks about how Russia is a powerful nation and he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a time for questions. Little Sasha asks," I have two questions. Why did Russia take Crimea and why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says, "Good questions". Just as he is about to answer, the bell rings and the kids go to lunch.
When they return, they sit down for more questions.
Misha asks, "I have four questions. Why did Russia invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to Ukraine, why did the bell ring early and where is Sasha?"

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## Gnomey (Mar 10, 2022)

Probably all too true though…

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## Snautzer01 (Mar 11, 2022)

On red square, a worker standing in a liquor line says: "I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Putin." Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask, "Did you get him?" "No, the line there was even longer than the line here."

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## WARSPITER (Mar 11, 2022)

Pedestrian: A husband who didn't think the family needed two cars.

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 11, 2022)

Remember to properly dispose of your dog's excrement while walking them in a public area




from chive.com

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## GTX (Mar 11, 2022)



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## GTX (Mar 11, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Mar 11, 2022)

I keep hearing the theme from Jaws

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## Gnomey (Mar 11, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Mar 11, 2022)

Nothing to do with Ukraine but....I've invented a new form of mathematics that replaces numerals with symbols of seaweed, river weed and pond weed. I think I'll call it algaebra!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 11, 2022)

I’m stealing that… lol

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 11, 2022)

Dammit, I tried not to laugh at that - lol

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## buffnut453 (Mar 11, 2022)

I am evil.

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## Airframes (Mar 11, 2022)

Yes, you are, and after that one, I can risk this one.

What do you call a woman who is balancing four pint glasses of beer on her head ?

Beartrix .......................

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## rochie (Mar 11, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 660149


we shouldn't laugh but that is damned funny !

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## at6 (Mar 11, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Dammit, I tried not to laugh at that - lol


So did you pee instead?

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## MiTasol (Mar 12, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 12, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Mar 12, 2022)

The future of paper

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## Prop Duster (Mar 12, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 12, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 14, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 14, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Mar 14, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 661329



Amateurs...sheer amateurs. How about resurrecting the British Empire?

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## Ralph Haus (Mar 14, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Amateurs...sheer amateurs. How about resurrecting the British Empire?
> 
> View attachment 661330


Maybe not Florida! But PLEASE take back the other East coast states!!!

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## gumbyk (Mar 14, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Amateurs...sheer amateurs. How about resurrecting the British Empire?


How about the Mongol Empire?

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## SaparotRob (Mar 14, 2022)

Nope. Places on the planet where the Sun still sets.


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## buffnut453 (Mar 14, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> How about the Mongol Empire?
> View attachment 661340



They can have most of that....but I like the big bit over in the east. I fancy a good General Tso's.

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## The Basket (Mar 14, 2022)

American anti theft device

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## The Basket (Mar 14, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Amateurs...sheer amateurs. How about resurrecting the British Empire?
> 
> View attachment 661330


Don't give me hope.

Im crying over here

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## ThomasP (Mar 14, 2022)

This conversation about empires reminds me of a book I bought a couple years ago.

from Wiki:

"All the Countries We've Ever Invaded: And the Few We Never Got Round To" (2012) attempts to catalogue every country Britain has ever invaded or made an incursion into, whether they were part of the British Empire or suffered a briefer attack, were threatened, or forced to negotiate.

It is an enjoyable read.


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## WARSPITER (Mar 14, 2022)

This may help. Some profanity may be experienced.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 14, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Maybe not Florida! But PLEASE take back the other East coast states!!!



No, give Florida away. To ANYONE…

Florida is literally the state where every news article originating from it makes you go:

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 14, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 14, 2022)

Even Edward Longshanks called it back in 1272…

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## Shortround6 (Mar 14, 2022)

Well Florida is always good for a laugh, or to thank god your neighbors are 1/2 way sane.

Just Google 

"Florida man" and your birthday, just month and date.

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## buffnut453 (Mar 14, 2022)

The current Mrs. Buffnut (and likely only ever Mrs. Buffnut) has cause to visit Fort Walton Beach with some frequency on business. During one of her first trips, she referred to FWB as being in Florida. A female colleague who worked there corrected her with a suitable southern drawl, "Honey, this ain't Florida. We're in Lower Alabama." I about lost it when I heard that...but it's stuck with me ever since.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 14, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 15, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 15, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Mar 16, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Mar 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 16, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 16, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 16, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 661574



Its so funny that Europe and other places in the US not named Texas don’t have this problem, and they get a lot colder.

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## davparlr (Mar 16, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> The current Mrs. Buffnut (and likely only ever Mrs. Buffnut) has cause to visit Fort Walton Beach with some frequency on business. During one of her first trips, she referred to FWB as being in Florida. A female colleague who worked there corrected her with a suitable southern drawl, "Honey, this ain't Florida. We're in Lower Alabama." I about lost it when I heard that...but it's stuck with me ever since.


being from Pensacola (barely in Florida) this is true. Florida is the only state where the the further south you go the more North you get, except all the way south, that's Cuba (and OK). The further north you get the more South you get. There was a time when West Florida wanted to merge with Alabama. Theory being that Northwest Florida is always ignored by the rest because, while the white beaches are beautiful, Florida has tons of beaches but Alabama only has a few and really develops those (red neck Riviera). Proud to be from West Florida.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 16, 2022)

North-West Florida is the only Florida that can stay in the Union. Only because I like Pensacola.

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## gumbyk (Mar 16, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Its so funny that Europe and other places in the US not named Texas don’t have this problem, and they get a lot colder.


It must be something in the name. The "X" perhaps?

Although I can't comprehend why anyone would want to live somewhere that cold.


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## MiTasol (Mar 16, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Its so funny that Europe and other places in the US not named Texas don’t have this problem, and they get a lot colder.



NO no no no no.

Texas has the biggest of everything so they must have the biggest low temperatures.

(and you are NEVER allowed to tell them that if Alaska was cut in two Texas would be the third largest state)

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## special ed (Mar 16, 2022)

I have videos of fires at charging stations and of a windmill self destructing. As this new electric infrastructure matures. they will be more common. All fuel sources have weak points, especially while developing.

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## gumbyk (Mar 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> I have videos of fires at charging stations and of a windmill self destructing. As this new electric infrastructure matures. they will be more common. All fuel sources have weak points, especially while developing.


As the technology matures, these problems will be ironed out, so should not become common. 

In saying that, you still see videos of fires at petrol stations....


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## special ed (Mar 16, 2022)

Usually when a collision occurs and no one knows where the shutoff buttons are.


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## Gnomey (Mar 16, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> I have videos of fires at charging stations and of a windmill self destructing. As this new electric infrastructure matures. they will be more common. All fuel sources have weak points, especially while developing.



And how often does occur. Decades of use in Europe and its not an everyday occurrence.


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## gumbyk (Mar 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> Usually when a collision occurs and no one knows where the shutoff buttons are.


No... 


Most of what I've seen has been people getting in and out of their cars while fuelling.


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## special ed (Mar 16, 2022)

Smoking can kill.

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## SaparotRob (Mar 16, 2022)

Close cover before striking.

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## MiTasol (Mar 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> I have videos of fires at charging stations and of a windmill self destructing. As this new electric infrastructure matures. they will be more common. All fuel sources have weak points, especially while developing.



NiCad batteries had all sorts of thermal runaway (a discrete way to say often uncontrolled fire) problems 40 years ago but they are extremely reliable now. 
The thing that gets me is people are putting these new batteries in aircraft and not using specially tested and certified aviation batteries (remember the early 787 battery problems and those were certified).

For those who have never seen a thermal runaway on one of the new electric car batteries watch this - and keep a close eye on the truck beside it.

*IF* this happened on an aircraft what chance do you think the pilot has of finding an emergency landing area and safely landing before things get out of control.

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## gumbyk (Mar 16, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> NiCad batteries had all sorts of thermal runaway (a discrete way to say often uncontrolled fire) problems 40 years ago but they are extremely reliable now.
> The thing that gets me is people are putting these new batteries in aircraft and not using specially tested and certified aviation batteries (remember the early 787 battery problems and those were certified).
> 
> For those who have never seen a thermal runaway on one of the new electric car batteries watch this - and keep a close eye on the truck beside it.
> ...


Thermal runaway can happen with any type of battery. I've had it while taxiing a PA-28, luckily I caught it before it became self-sustaining, but the fumes would have been incapacitating if I couldn't have opened the door.


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## MiTasol (Mar 16, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> In saying that, you still see videos of fires at petrol stations....



I bet there were more electric car fires in NZ last year than fires at petrol stations, and that they were more frightening. I saw one story, with photos, on an electric BMW that caught fire in a very narrow SI road and the people in it lost everything because it took them a couple of minutes to find a safe place to pull over after the "call your dealer" light came on. And it blocked the road both ways because the fire was so fierce.

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## MiTasol (Mar 16, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> No...
> 
> 
> Most of what I've seen has been people getting in and out of their cars while fuelling.




That one is purely an idiot operator problem - it is not built in to the car at the factory.

AND the idiot deliberately sprayed fuel over the car and set fire to the car.

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## gumbyk (Mar 16, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> I bet there were more electric car fires in NZ last year than fires at petrol stations, and that they were more frightening. I saw one story, with photos, on an electric BMW that caught fire in a very narrow SI road and the people in it lost everything because it took them a couple of minutes to find a safe place to pull over after the "call your dealer" light came on. And it blocked the road both ways because the fire was so fierce.


That was on the Whangamoas. The road isn't that narrow, typical single-lane each way. 

Honestly, I've see more burnt-out petrol vehicles on the side of the road, but no-one seems to think there's a problem there.


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## MiTasol (Mar 16, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> That was on the Whangamoas. The road isn't that narrow, typical single-lane each way.
> 
> Honestly, I've see more burnt-out petrol vehicles on the side of the road, but no-one seems to think there's a problem there.



Yes there are burnt out cars for other reasons but what percentage of the cars on NZ roads are electric and what percentage of the fires are electric?

There was a nice new diesel SUV burnt out beside the road near us last year. City slicker pulled over onto the long dry grass and kept his engine running while taking a phone call. The exhaust set the grass on fire which burnt through the plastic fuel line and hey presto. That is again idiot operator problem, not the cars fault. Our local firies also had to put out a long series of grass fires as well as a car fire because an idiot kept driving their car when the tire shredded and the wheel was destroyed and brake drum was sending sparks everywhere. It was all filmed by the car behind and made the news here. Again a @#$%^&*() moron behind the wheel problem. In this case he knew he had a flat tire and was driving to a servo to get it changed.
Not a built in at the factory problem.


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## gumbyk (Mar 16, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Yes there are burnt out cars for other reasons but what percentage of the cars on NZ roads are electric and what percentage of the fires are electric?
> 
> There was a nice new diesel SUV burnt out beside the road near us last year. City slicker pulled over onto the long dry grass and kept his engine running while taking a phone call. The exhaust set the grass on fire which burnt through the plastic fuel line and hey presto. That is again idiot operator problem, not the cars fault. Our local firies also had to put out a long series of grass fires as well as a car fire because an idiot kept driving their car when the tire shredded and the wheel was destroyed and brake drum was sending sparks everywhere. It was all filmed by the car behind and made the news here. Again a @#$%^&*() moron behind the wheel problem. In this case he knew he had a flat tire and was driving to a servo to get it changed.
> Not a built in at the factory problem.


and how long were the 'few minutes' that the previous car had been driving with the light on? When everything is burnt out, the only source of information is the same person who is asking the insurance company to pay out.


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## MiTasol (Mar 17, 2022)

True but that video shows how fast they can turn into an inferno.


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## ThomasP (Mar 17, 2022)

The older Ni-MH batteries are relatively safe from ignition as long they are not physically abused, and if the proper maintenance checks are done on multi-cell packs. As long as the battery cell is physically intact, it will not start on fire due to normal use. However, overcharging and short circuiting can cause the battery to get too hot, causing materials in contact with the battery to ignite (individual Ni-MH cells do not, in general, contain current limiting circuits). Also, the heat may cause the casing to fail, in which case a fire may be started when the negative electrode is exposed to air (the negative electrode is made of lanthanide series metals and is designed to absorb hydrogen ions, after which it becomes pyrophoric). A Ni-MH cell in and of itself - under normal use - does not explode.

This is not the case for the Li-ion types, as there is the chance of a failure of the internal/external regulator circuits, which can result in a "thermal event", ie a fire or in rare cases a low order explosion (kind of like a capacitor going off, but with a longer time of heat release). The regulator circuit in a Li-ion battery is designed to prevent the release of the stored energy at a rate beyond which the materials of the battery can survive, and to create a more stable level of energy output. In the same way, when a number of Li-ion batteries are arranged in series and/or parallel - to allow either increased voltage, or more amperage, or both - there are normally additional external circuits and sometimes other mechanisms incorporated designed to monitor/control the individual cells and the packs. In addition, if the battery cell or pack is short circuited, a failure of the monitoring/controlling circuits may occur - which may cause fires in the surrounding environment or cause a low order explosion of the battery.

In both types of battery, there is almost always a physical vent "valve" to reduce a build up of gas pressure in the batteries. This could be a sophisticated system for large cell packs - with electronic sensors and an actual valve mechanism - or just a gasket that fails at a certain psi such as in watch cells.

The above is a very general and simplified explanation.

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## special ed (Mar 17, 2022)

In an effort to restore humor to the thread, I submit these:

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## special ed (Mar 17, 2022)

Perhaps some military humor:

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## special ed (Mar 17, 2022)

Maybe another:

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## Prop Duster (Mar 17, 2022)

So once again the clueless are helped by the "clue-ers"

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## Greg Boeser (Mar 17, 2022)

Back in the day, when people could still smoke in restaurants, flipping the ashtray over converted that table from a "smoking" table to a "non-smoking" table. 
If you were lucky, the ashtray would be empty before they flipped it.

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## ARTESH (Mar 18, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 661329





buffnut453 said:


> Amateurs...sheer amateurs. How about resurrecting the British Empire?
> 
> View attachment 661330





gumbyk said:


> How about the Mongol Empire?
> View attachment 661340


All of them are imposters ... All of those lands belong to us!

We have to restore the mighty Achaemenid Empire ...









Achaemenid Empire - Wikipedia







en.m.wikipedia.org

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## Gnomey (Mar 18, 2022)




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## special ed (Mar 19, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 19, 2022)



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## GTX (Mar 19, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 661881


Reminds me of this:

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## WARSPITER (Mar 19, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 661881


Classic Down Periscope - always worth seeing again.

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## Gnomey (Mar 19, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Mar 19, 2022)

> A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
> He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
> 
> The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
> ...

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## GTX (Mar 20, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 20, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 20, 2022)

Brilliant!


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## Shortround6 (Mar 20, 2022)

Yep, the microwave, alarm clock and and battery wall clocks I can deal with.

This is the real bastard. 




Especially when my wife says it is 3 minutes off from the stove top clock

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## SaparotRob (Mar 20, 2022)

Somebody look up and link Volodymyr Zelensky performs 'Balls out' for 'Hava Nagila'. 

This is why Putin fears Zelenskyy.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 20, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Mar 21, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> Yep, the microwave, alarm clock and and battery wall clocks I can deal with.
> 
> This is the real bastard.
> View attachment 662003
> ...


I like the design! It seems like from a fantasy game world.


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## GTX (Mar 21, 2022)



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## Ralph Haus (Mar 21, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 662095


Burger, fries and a shake and change back from your dollar. Wow! That was a long time ago but still remembered.

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## gumbyk (Mar 21, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Burger, fries and a shake and change back from your dollar. Wow! That was a long time ago but still remembered.


you missed the Delorean, didn't you?

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## Ralph Haus (Mar 21, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> you missed the Delorean, didn't you?


Almost bought one. Bought a 240 SX instead. But it was a cooler car!


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## SaparotRob (Mar 21, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Almost bought one. Bought a 240 SX instead. But it was a cooler car!


Better yes. Cooler? 
Wait, which one do you mean?


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## ARTESH (Mar 21, 2022)

Her parents told her: You have to become a doctor, then you can continue Arts.

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## Ralph Haus (Mar 21, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Better yes. Cooler?
> Wait, which one do you mean?


The Delorean of course! The 240 was more afordable and saleable to the wife! Still regret not just taking the verbals for a while.

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## gumbyk (Mar 21, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> The Delorean of course! The 240 was more afordable and saleable to the wife! Still regret not just taking the verbals for a while.


Its always easier to get forgiveness than permission.


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## Greg Boeser (Mar 21, 2022)

What's forgiveness?

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## Snautzer01 (Mar 21, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> The Delorean of course! The 240 was more afordable and saleable to the wife! Still regret not just taking the verbals for a while.


Tell your wife what a Delorean costs now. After she stops crying she will not dispute your taste in cars again nor dispute one bought.

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## vikingBerserker (Mar 21, 2022)

Wait, I want to hear more about the concept of "wife forgiveness"????

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## gumbyk (Mar 21, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Wait, I want to hear more about the concept of "wife forgiveness"????


You guys need new wives...

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## Greg Boeser (Mar 21, 2022)

I can't afford the old one.

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## Ralph Haus (Mar 21, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Tell your wife what a Delorean costs now. After she stops crying she will not dispute your taste in cars again nor dispute one bought.







Yeah! On a good day it would today bring $5K (It's still road worthy, sold to a friend, and has over 200K miles) while a Delorean would fetch about $50K. Oh well. Should have bought Dell stock as well....

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## Gnomey (Mar 21, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> View attachment 662103
> 
> 
> Her parents told her: You have to become a doctor, then you can continue Arts.


Have done pretty much this a few times in med school…

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## MiTasol (Mar 21, 2022)

This one sums up the intelligence of many of our youth very nicely

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## MiTasol (Mar 21, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I can't afford the old one.


Wife or car?

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## Greg Boeser (Mar 21, 2022)

Yes.

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## MiTasol (Mar 21, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Mar 21, 2022)

MiTasol said:


>




Was it wrong to award that a bacon?

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## MiTasol (Mar 21, 2022)

The first two pigs probably would expect bacon was called a fine salt cured and smoked murdered relative

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## special ed (Mar 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 21, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 21, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 662124


My favorite gag is to go to the hardware store and tell them I need a piece of glass to replace a window. When they ask me what size I hold my hands about this far apart >------< and say: About like this. You know, normal size. The reaction is always priceless. They've clearly heard this one before.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Mar 21, 2022)



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## at6 (Mar 22, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> Yep, the microwave, alarm clock and and battery wall clocks I can deal with.
> 
> This is the real bastard.
> View attachment 662003
> ...


Isn't that an Iranian Rolex?

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## Prop Duster (Mar 22, 2022)



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## Prop Duster (Mar 22, 2022)

an' arm-o-matic power windows too.

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## GTX (Mar 22, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 22, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 662205


Friday? Hell, I'm just trying to make it to quitting time.

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## Gnomey (Mar 22, 2022)




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## special ed (Mar 24, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 24, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 25, 2022)




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## Wayne Little (Mar 25, 2022)




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## Airframes (Mar 25, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 25, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Mar 25, 2022)

Brilliant!


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## ARTESH (Mar 25, 2022)

Airframes said:


> View attachment 662503


Ukrainian farmer be like:



Russian military commanders be like:

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## buffnut453 (Mar 25, 2022)

When you now go to the gas station to fill up your vehicle do you:-

Feel sick
Cough at the thought
Take sharp intakes of breath
Give yourself a violent headache
Feel confused 

Get a test………you are suffering from the new CAR OWNER VIRUS

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## Ralph Haus (Mar 25, 2022)

Actually none of the above. Pissed Off is more like it! My truck tank is a 36 galloner. Do the math.


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## buffnut453 (Mar 25, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 25, 2022)




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## Wurger (Mar 25, 2022)




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## GTX (Mar 25, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 26, 2022)




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## SaparotRob (Mar 26, 2022)

Australian response to Chinese adventurism in the Solomons.

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## buffnut453 (Mar 26, 2022)

A wife in Ancient Rome asks her husband to take her toga shopping. He reluctantly gets the chariot and horses out of the garage and duly heads off to the toga store.

In an attempt to speed the process along, the husband grabbed a toga from the rack and showed it to his wife.

The wife said, "That's an L size. I'm big, but I'm not that big! Get me a smaller size."

So the husband returned the L toga and grabbed the XL one.

The wife replied, "That's better."

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## Dana Bell (Mar 26, 2022)

Another Roman was a berry farmer. One fine harvest day he discovered the most beautiful berry that anyone had ever seen. Realizing that this was a gift from one of the gods, he fell to his knees repenting all his sins and praising the soul and wonder behind this amazing fruit. Soon his family and neighbors saw what was happening and joined him, offering prayers and gifts.

As time passed, the mighty Nero heard of the commotion. In a fit of jealous rage, he sent a troop of his guard to steal the magificent fruit and bring it to the palace, where only the emperor could possess this god's gift.

As the guards approached, the farmer rose from his knees and told the guards that the crowds were already too large, and he was going to have close the berry patch for a few hours. The invited the guards to return later, when they could offer their praises in privacy.

The centurion responded, "You misunderstand - we come to seize your berry, not to praise it!"

(Stolen - in a _much _shortened form - from the great Flip Wilson)

Cheers,


Dana

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## Glider (Mar 26, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Actually none of the above. Pissed Off is more like it! My truck tank is a 36 galloner. Do the math.


Approx $360 in the UK at about £1.70 per Litre (I think)


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## Ralph Haus (Mar 26, 2022)

Ooof! At todays ppg its only about $170 (Texas). I guess that's why one doesn't see to many crew cab 'lorries' over there?


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## buffnut453 (Mar 26, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Ooof! At todays ppg its only about $170 (Texas). I guess that's why one doesn't see to many crew cab 'lorries' over there?



You need some edjumacating. Pick-ups aren't lorries in the UK. They're pick-up trucks. 

This is a lorry:







And, just for fun, the word lorry came in from an older form of English meaning 'to pull' and was first applied to 'trucks' on the railway. As more trucks took to the road rather than rail and each truck was independent, 'lorry' came to refer to those things 'pulled' by its own engine in front.

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## MiTasol (Mar 27, 2022)

An oldey but goodey

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## Gnomey (Mar 27, 2022)




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## special ed (Mar 27, 2022)



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## special ed (Mar 27, 2022)



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## Wayne Little (Mar 28, 2022)




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## Wurger (Mar 28, 2022)




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## Crimea_River (Mar 28, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 28, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Mar 29, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Mar 29, 2022)



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## Wurger (Mar 29, 2022)




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## fubar57 (Mar 29, 2022)

His Lordship over looking the peons of the realm, possibly pondering if the removal of heads is still frowned upon

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## Gnomey (Mar 29, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Mar 29, 2022)

fubar57 said:


> His Lordship over looking the peons of the realm, possibly pondering if the removal of heads is still frowned upon
> 
> View attachment 663066​



Uh-oh...I'm in trouble now! I think I'm about to get peon'd.

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## Wurger (Mar 29, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Mar 30, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Mar 30, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Mar 30, 2022)




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## at6 (Mar 30, 2022)

What does a Russian soldier call a stolen Ukrainian pig when he gets it home? A War Bride.

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## SaparotRob (Mar 30, 2022)

Oh, we're both going to pay for that one.

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## buffnut453 (Mar 31, 2022)

Trying….not…..to…..laugh.

Aaaaaand…..I failed.

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## Wurger (Mar 31, 2022)

Gents ... the Russians don't steal , they liberate ...

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## special ed (Mar 31, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Mar 31, 2022)

As a parent of twins, I can relate.

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## SaparotRob (Mar 31, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> As a parent of twins, I can relate.


The medal is in lieu of hazardous duty pay. Which you will never see.

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## Greg Boeser (Mar 31, 2022)

People who heard we had twins would ask us, "How did you manage?" To which we responded, "We don't know." But they are grown now and are productive members of society, so we must have done OK.

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## Gnomey (Mar 31, 2022)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2022)




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## GTX (Apr 1, 2022)



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## GTX (Apr 1, 2022)

One that was sneakily put out there yesterday: Leak Reveals First Details Of Australia's New AUKUS Submarine

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## GTX (Apr 1, 2022)

New Dyson bladeless jet engine selected for all electric Airbus A320E — virtually eliminating risk of of bird strikes and danger for ground crews, while also reducing engine complexity and part count by almost 82%. 

The new engine is powered by a system Dyson is calling a "Fluidic Propulsion Air Multiplier" (FPAM). 

Dyson has been making bladeless fans for a few years now that accelerate a consistent stream of air without exposed blades. 

The engine had been in top secret development for years after having been awarded a contract with DARPA to turn air surrounding a craft into powerful thrust capable of supersonic speeds. 

It boils down to physics. 

While it's true that the atmosphere is gaseous, gases obey the physical laws of fluid dynamics. 

As air flows through the slits in the tube and out through the front of the fan, air behind the fan is drawn through the tube as well. 

This is called inducement. The flowing air pushed by the motor induces the air behind the fan to follow.

Air surrounding the edges of the fan will also begin to flow in the direction of the breeze. 

This process is called entrainment. 

Through inducement and entrainment, Dyson claims the FPAM increases the output of airflow by 15,000 times the amount it takes in through the motor.

Dyson's engineers addressed the turbulence problems by integrating Helmholtz cavities into the fan's base. 

If you've ever held a seashell to your ear or blown across the top of a glass bottle, you've experienced the effect of these cavities, in which sound bounces and skids across a hard surface.

Helmholtz cavities make noise, of course. Figure out exactly how these cavities work, and then you can control that noise. 

By adding Helmholtz cavities of sorts into the base of the FPAM, engineers increased air pressure, and ultimately these cavities began to work as silencers.

Car manufacturers are very familiar with the principles of Helmholtz cavities. 

They manipulate them to their advantage when quieting exhaust systems. 

In the case of the FPAM, engineers basically tuned the cavities to specifically mute sounds in the range of 1,000 Hertz, which humans tend to find especially aggravating.

There's no question that the FPAM is a striking technological innovation. 

Perhaps in the future, no jet engines will have visible internal blades, all capable of supersonic propulsion, yet achieve whisper quiet performance that even today's best stealthy jets find envious.

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## ARTESH (Apr 1, 2022)

Wurger said:


> Gents ... the Russians don't steal , they liberate ...


Well, that's what the western propaganda says!

That's just an argument about the price!!! That's too expensive for their budget! They can't pay!!!

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## Wurger (Apr 1, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> Well, that's what the western propaganda says!



Really ? 



ARTESH said:


> That's just an argument about the price!!! That's too expensive for their budget! They can't pay!!!



So that's the reason they can liberate everyting what they want, right? Especially , watches, bikes and pigs ...

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## SaparotRob (Apr 1, 2022)

Share and share alike, eh comrade?

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## Wurger (Apr 1, 2022)

Yeah ...

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## ARTESH (Apr 1, 2022)

Wurger said:


> Really ?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, the current situation says that there is no "Victor" side yet! The Russian troops are still in Ukraine, and Ukrainians did nothing (politically) important ... Putin is still alive, as well as those Ukrainians that joined his side, and betrayed their country, as well as their families! 

In terms of military, it's Iran Iraq war, 3rd week of invasion. They gained some footsteps, but still Ukrainian Army and Capital, is not theirs!

About sanctions, it takes decades, if not centuries, to bear a fruit!

Only way to solve this problem, is a full-out offensive, right to Moscow (and Tehran), a rain of hot steel and lead is what they need and deserve, not talks.

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## Wurger (Apr 1, 2022)

OK. There is no place for any political debate. Let's stop.

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## Thumpalumpacus (Apr 1, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> Only way to solve this problem, is a full-out offensive, right to Moscow (and Tehran), a rain of hot steel and lead is what they need and deserve, not talks.



Be careful, Artie.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 1, 2022)

Is this the quotes and jokes thread, or did I take a wrong turn?

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## special ed (Apr 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 2, 2022)



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## at6 (Apr 2, 2022)

A Russian soldier "liberated a whole herd of pigs and sent them to Russia". He's a polygamist.

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## Snautzer01 (Apr 2, 2022)

Polygambaconist ?

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## MiTasol (Apr 2, 2022)

This one is a couple of days late but how is this for an April fools joke

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## Wurger (Apr 2, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Apr 2, 2022)

1940 Texas. Must have been fun

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## ARTESH (Apr 2, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> 1940 Texas. Must have been fun
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She wears a pant! But it's skin colour!!!

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## special ed (Apr 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 2, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 2, 2022)




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## Wurger (Apr 2, 2022)




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## GTX (Apr 2, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Apr 2, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> She wears a pant! But it's skin colour!!!


I think all the panting is from the guys

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## Snautzer01 (Apr 2, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 663459


That made me laugh. Thank you.


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## wlewisiii (Apr 2, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 3, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Apr 5, 2022)

It's unfinished. There is no dagger in her right hand.

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## Gnomey (Apr 5, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Apr 6, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Apr 6, 2022)




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## special ed (Apr 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 6, 2022)



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## Wurger (Apr 6, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Apr 6, 2022)



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## Wurger (Apr 6, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Apr 6, 2022)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 7, 2022)




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## VBF-13 (Apr 7, 2022)

With Easter coming up...

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## Wurger (Apr 7, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Apr 7, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Apr 8, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 663859


WiFi has been hacked!

Never underestimate newer generation!

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## special ed (Apr 8, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 8, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 8, 2022)

Having experienced both sides I can confirm there is a lil truth to this. I can also confirm that sometimes the pilot looks like the passenger.

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## Wurger (Apr 8, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Apr 8, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Apr 8, 2022)

now theres a dad joke

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## MiTasol (Apr 8, 2022)



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## GTX (Apr 9, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Apr 9, 2022)

military intelligence at work again

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## MiTasol (Apr 9, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 9, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Apr 9, 2022)

For some time I have been trying to work out who British PM Boris Johnson reminded me of.

Obviously Sir Les is his role model for dress and hairstyle

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## ARTESH (Apr 10, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 664147


Critical emotional damage!

Your armour rating decreased by 150 percent, you are now susceptible to elemental damage for 24 hours. You cannot fly or breath underwater. Your stealth abilities decreased by 100 percent. Your melee and ranged attacks deal 100 percent less damage. You can not use magic attacks.

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## special ed (Apr 10, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> For some time I have been trying to work out who British PM Boris Johnson reminded me of.
> 
> Obviously Sir Les is his role model for dress and hairstyle



I watched Boris Johnson on the news touring the Ukraine. You have spoiled it for me as I now will see him as in the video.

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## Shortround6 (Apr 10, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 664239


Those are not sub woofers.

They are directional tweeters.

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## special ed (Apr 10, 2022)



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## GTX (Apr 10, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Apr 10, 2022)

Engineering is a very broad based profession.

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## GTX (Apr 10, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Apr 10, 2022)

Man, I cringed just looking at that.


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## special ed (Apr 10, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 10, 2022)




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## special ed (Apr 11, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 11, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 11, 2022)

This may have been seen here.

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## Bucksnort101 (Apr 11, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 664301


Cripes, the regular, non-jagged ones are bad enough to step on, but this takes it to another level altogether.


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## ARTESH (Apr 11, 2022)

I need one of these!

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## Gnomey (Apr 11, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Apr 12, 2022)

One of my favourite cartoons is Wiley

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## special ed (Apr 12, 2022)



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## Shortround6 (Apr 12, 2022)

Still going to need a compass and a flashlight.

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## Snautzer01 (Apr 13, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> Still going to need a compass and a flashlight.

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## special ed (Apr 13, 2022)

special ed said:


> This may have been seen here.
> 
> View attachment 664401




So.... It's not a joke. This just came in the mail.

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## SaparotRob (Apr 13, 2022)

That’s great! Makes the overflight of a B-52 at the B-2 retirement joke even better.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 13, 2022)

special ed said:


> So.... It's not a joke. This just came in the mail.
> View attachment 664724



We signed a huge contract a while back to modernize and re-engine the B-52.

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## Gnomey (Apr 13, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Apr 13, 2022)

LOL

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 13, 2022)

WMPL


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## special ed (Apr 13, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 14, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Apr 14, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Apr 14, 2022)

Part two to post 16,845 on page 842 of this thread

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## MIflyer (Apr 14, 2022)

I assume y'all have seen these.

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## ARTESH (Apr 14, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> LOL
> 
> View attachment 664726


Well, I need one of these!!!

🤪🤣

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## ARTESH (Apr 14, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 664746


That's a lie!!! Ukrainian fishermen 'somehow' acquired that ship.

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## MiTasol (Apr 14, 2022)

I agree.

They ran a line out and salvaged it with their tractors after the cowardly Russians abandoned it

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## special ed (Apr 14, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> I assume y'all have seen these.
> 
> View attachment 664738


I still have one in the box. It was to go in my shop, finished just before hurricane Katrina. The fan stayed safe in the box, made the move, and remains in the box. This house has a chandelier style light in the dining room, now used a computer/craft room. My wife suggested we should replace the chandelier with a ceiling fan. I pointed out we still had my shop fan. It is still in the box.

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## MIflyer (Apr 14, 2022)

In 1944 GPS (Grandma Positioning System) was seen as boon to future air travel.

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## MIflyer (Apr 14, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> We signed a huge contract a while back to modernize and re-engine the B-52.



Yes, they are going to update it to modern times and make it a hybrid;

Six R-4360's and Six J-57's.

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## Gnomey (Apr 14, 2022)

Nice work so far!


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## ThomasP (Apr 15, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Apr 15, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 664811


We can use this one in some of the threads here lately.

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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Apr 15, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Apr 15, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 15, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Apr 15, 2022)

Like spelling “artical“ instead of article?

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## buffnut453 (Apr 15, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Like spelling “artical“ instead of article?



Somewhere in the world right now, a beaver is yelling at its laptop.

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## Gnomey (Apr 15, 2022)



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## at6 (Apr 15, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Somewhere in the world right now, a beaver is yelling at its laptop.


And Moles are crying.


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## WARSPITER (Apr 16, 2022)

And Groundhogs are flying... (I ducked so ya missed me).

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## MiTasol (Apr 16, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Apr 16, 2022)

Jonathan Winters used to get in elevators and after it started to move say to his wife or whomever he was with, "Hear that? That's a very distinctive sound! Strands in the elevator cables breaking! I noticed that the inspection certificate was out of date!" Then he would get off at his floor, turn to look at the people in the elevator, and shake his head sadly.

A guy I worked with said a friend of his took a starter motor and mounted it under the hood of his car, a short length of chain attached to the drive and a bucket over the top of it. Then he would find someone siting in their car in a parking lot, feign having trouble pulling into the park next to them, then jam on his brakes and hit the button for the added starter, "Balalalama!' The person would leap out of his car and be mystified at the lack of damage from an accident he had heard so clearly.

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## ThomasP (Apr 16, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 16, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 17, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 17, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 17, 2022)

Whose third grade class picture is this?

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## Lucky13 (Apr 17, 2022)

special ed said:


> Whose third grade class picture is this?
> View attachment 665051



If I remember correctly, it has been shown to be 

 Airframes
old school photo....

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## buffnut453 (Apr 17, 2022)

special ed said:


> Whose third grade class picture is this?
> View attachment 665051



Peter Moon's?

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## Gnomey (Apr 17, 2022)




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## GTX (Apr 18, 2022)



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## Wurger (Apr 18, 2022)




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## SaparotRob (Apr 18, 2022)

A very neat earthquake?

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## ARTESH (Apr 18, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 665156


When you've studied online for 4 years!

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## ARTESH (Apr 18, 2022)

Beside that, those need a serious repair!!!


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## special ed (Apr 18, 2022)



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## Wurger (Apr 18, 2022)




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## SaparotRob (Apr 18, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 665157


Thank heavens I’m retired from the railroad.

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## MIflyer (Apr 18, 2022)

In terns of a percentage error over the whole length of the track, no doubt it's not very large.

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 18, 2022)

Two years ago I cou'nt even spell inguneer, an' now I are wun.

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## ARTESH (Apr 18, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 665049


I've worked with Mr. Meowski and Mr. Clawsen.

I don't know the other guy.

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## special ed (Apr 18, 2022)

Although I can't remember how long ago, when the second span across the the Mississippi at New Orleans reached the center (begun from both sides) there was a seven foot misalignment at the top. It was allegedly due to temperature differences during construction. My question is/was how did the builders of the first companion span get it right?

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## Snautzer01 (Apr 18, 2022)

special ed said:


> Although I can't remember how long ago, when the second span across the the Mississippi at New Orleans reached the center (begun from both sides) there was a seven foot misalignment at the top. It was allegedly due to temperature differences during construction. My question is/was how did the builders of the first companion span get it right?


Did others get it wrong too? If not sloopy enginering.

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## MIflyer (Apr 18, 2022)

special ed said:


> My question is/was how did the builders of the first companion span get it right?


Maybe in the old days they only worked during the summer?


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## MIflyer (Apr 18, 2022)

Stumbled across this....

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## WARSPITER (Apr 18, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 665156


I've always liked the Specsavers ads.


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## GTX (Apr 19, 2022)

And yet some still fail...

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## buffnut453 (Apr 19, 2022)

Awarding a "funny" for that one simply wasn't sufficient. Have some bacony goodness on me!

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## Gnomey (Apr 19, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Apr 19, 2022)

In his book "Between Silk and Cyanide" Leo Marks describes how he was given a test before being hired to handle codes for secret agents sent to Occupied Europe. He was told to decode a message. The officer who gave him the test came back in half an hour and asked if he was done. Leo replied that no, he was not, wondering how long they thought it should take to decode a message. The officer kept checking back and looked disappointed each time that he was not done. Finally after four hours or so, Leo was able to hand in the decoded message. The officer looked very disappointed, saying he had thought Leo was quite good at that sort of thing. Leo asked how long it should take. The officer replied that it was not all that difficult, you just took the code key and translated the letters.

Leo replied, "Code key? What code key? I did not know you gave me a code key! I assumed you wanted it decoded without one."

To Leo, decoding a coded message where you had the key was like The Crayon Test, so absurd that it could not be the case. They hired him.

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## buffnut453 (Apr 19, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 665249
> 
> 
> And yet some still fail...



Love that but it's missing a direction. The last sentence should read "Please do not eat the crayon. Do not insert it into any part of your body, or any part of another person's body."

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## MIflyer (Apr 19, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> The last sentence should read "Please do not eat the crayon. Do not insert it into any part of your body, or any part of another person's body."


When I was a 2nd Lt I wrote a Technical Order for Operation of a pencil sharpener as an exercise in writing T.O.'s. It included Notes, Cautions, and Warnings, and warned against inserting fingers or other parts of the body into the Sharpener, Pencil lest the resultant screams wake people in the office. 

I guess I should have addressed crayons as well.

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## WARSPITER (Apr 19, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Love that but it's missing a direction. The last sentence should read "Please do not eat the crayon. Do not insert it into any part of your body, or any part of another person's body."


For officer testing it's crayons at twenty paces.

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## buffnut453 (Apr 19, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> For officer testing it's crayons at twenty paces.



Concur...it keeps the officers preoccupied while the soldiers hide the maps and compasses.

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 19, 2022)

We don't need no maps and compasses! We've got GPS!

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## MIflyer (Apr 19, 2022)

Said a USAF fighter leader in Korea: "A second Lt with a map is the most dangerous thing in the world."

During the Vietnam War a 2nd Lt called his commander on the radio, "I've found out where we are sir! We are in Nakom Phong!"

His commander replied, "Lt, Nakom Phong means Strategic Hamlet. That is like saying you are in Resume Speed or Deer Crossing."

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 19, 2022)

We're on Frontage Road!
Or my favorite from NTC: 
"We are directly across from the light on Tiefort."

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## special ed (Apr 19, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 19, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Apr 19, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> We don't need no maps and compasses! We've got GPS!


Yes but you'll have to find an NCO or private to turn it on.

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## buffnut453 (Apr 19, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Yes but you'll have to find an NCO or private to turn it on.



And you STILL don't let the officer touch it!!!!

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 20, 2022)

He'll just lose it.

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## at6 (Apr 20, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 665261


Gnomey's health practice?

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## MIflyer (Apr 20, 2022)

A marine officer who was a tank commander in Vietnam said that on one mission his tanks were paralleling an infantry unit, who supposedly was navigating. The infantry officer came over and asked him where they were. The tank commander said he had not been keeping close track of their position but pointed to a spot on the map.

The infantry officer said, "We can't be there! We're not supposed to be there!" He called for a NCO to hand him a compass, laid it on top of the tank, where the needle just spun around. "It's broken!" He picked up the compass and tossed it back to the NCO. "Give me another one!"

Note: Tanks are made out of METAL and also generate all kinds of electromagnetic fields.

One day I was in the CVS at a major intersection and a man walked in and said, "I am trying to get to Cape Canaveral, the Kennedy Space Center. Am I headed in the right direction?"

I replied, "Those are two different places and they are 20 miles apart. Which direction are you headed?" (We were on a corner. North, South, East, and West were the choices at that comer ).

He replied, "I am headed for Cape Canaveral, the Kennedy Space Center."

"But which direction are you headed?"

"I am headed for Cape Canaveral the Kennedy Space Center."

I gave up and said, "Yes, you are headed the right way."

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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 20, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Apr 20, 2022)

For you model builders.

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## ARTESH (Apr 21, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> For you model builders.
> 
> View attachment 665320


You're wrong, moya druga! This is not Moskva, but 'Nevidimyy'*

P.S.: Nevidimyy stands for 'Invisible' in Russian.

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## wlewisiii (Apr 21, 2022)

And here I thought they had simply reissued their kit of the U-boat Bismark!

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## special ed (Apr 21, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 21, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> For you model builders.
> 
> View attachment 665320


What colour is it?

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## ARTESH (Apr 21, 2022)

Gnomey said:


> What colour is it?


The colour of Darkness!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 22, 2022)

Its funny and sad because its true.

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## special ed (Apr 22, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 23, 2022)




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## wlewisiii (Apr 23, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Apr 24, 2022)

From today's cartoon from Wiley. Rule one for lawyers, bankers, politicians

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## MiTasol (Apr 24, 2022)

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. 

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?

"Vladimir Putin," she says.

"Why Vladimir Putin," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Jewish girl could have enough love to give him Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to President Putin, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know, "Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the bastard!"

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## Snautzer01 (Apr 24, 2022)

Got thrown out of the local sport shop, They could not appreciate this.

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## SaparotRob (Apr 24, 2022)

Luddites never appreciate high art.

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## syscom3 (Apr 24, 2022)



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## Wurger (Apr 24, 2022)




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## special ed (Apr 24, 2022)

An elderly Italian man living in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work. His only son, Vincent, had always helped him, but now he was in prison. The old man wrote in his next letter to his son and described his problem. 
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be planting tomatoes this year because I'm getting too old to dig the garden. I know if you were here you would be happy to dig my garden like the old days.
Love Papa

His son wrote:
Dear Pop, 
Don't dig up the garden. That's where all the bodies are buried.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning the FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire yard and finding nothing left.

The old man received another letter the next day:
Dear Pop,
Plant your tomatoes now. It is the best I can do this year.
Love Vinnie

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## Gnomey (Apr 24, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 25, 2022)



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## Wurger (Apr 25, 2022)




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## SaparotRob (Apr 25, 2022)

You sure that’s not a Horten HO -14?

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## Gnomey (Apr 25, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Apr 26, 2022)

Maybe we should put this one on our home page??

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## Wurger (Apr 26, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Apr 26, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 665772


Clint Eastwood in an early role apparently.

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## Lucky13 (Apr 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 26, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Apr 26, 2022)

I'm there!


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## ARTESH (Apr 26, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 665772


"Any time, Baby"

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## Gnomey (Apr 26, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Apr 26, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Clint Eastwood in an early role apparently.


Earliest movie role I know of for Clint Eastwood was as an F-84 pilot in the film "Tarantula."

Most fantastic aspect of the movie was that when the Sheriff called Sands Air Force Base and reported that their town was about to be eaten by a tarantula the size of Yankee Stadium. The USAF responded within a very few minutes with flights of F-80's and F-84's fully armed with rockets and nape. How'd you like to have been Ops Duty officer and taken that call?

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## MiTasol (Apr 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 26, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Apr 26, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 665933



I thought that was Dover Sole.

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 26, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 665933


Been to Rochie's place, I see.

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## vikingBerserker (Apr 26, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> I thought that was Devon Sole.


 Dammit I laughed at that!

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## at6 (Apr 26, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Dammit I laughed at that!


So did I.

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## MiTasol (Apr 26, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 27, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 27, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> I thought that was Dover Sole.





vikingBerserker said:


> Dammit I laughed at that!





at6 said:


> So did I.



....me too! 🥴😆😂

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## Wayne Little (Apr 27, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Apr 27, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> ....me too! 🥴😆😂



It's because I'm a bad person...you may have noticed!

Before we married (back when Pontius was a pilot), I told my soon-to-be-wife that I don't improve....she just didn't realize how much I don't improve.

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## Gnomey (Apr 27, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Apr 27, 2022)

Good advice!

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## ThomasP (Apr 27, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Apr 27, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Apr 27, 2022)

Who gets it? Lol

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## special ed (Apr 28, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 666064



The exact same with human children.

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## Greg Boeser (Apr 28, 2022)

Yes. I remember one fine saturday morning. Lying in bed with the wife, when we realized that the kids weren't making any noise. We got up and searched, finding them in the basement with my daughter sitting on a desk, the boys hovering over her with scissors.
"We're playing barber!" They exclaimed.
My daughter got to dress as Joan of Arc for Halloween that year.

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## Crimea_River (Apr 28, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 28, 2022)




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## special ed (Apr 28, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 28, 2022)



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## Wurger (Apr 28, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Apr 29, 2022)

An oldie but still a goodie🤣

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Apr 29, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Apr 29, 2022)




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## special ed (Apr 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Apr 30, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Apr 30, 2022)

From a recently uncovered trove of correspondence at the Royal Society archives.



> _To: Chief Curator, Royal Society
> 
> From: Reginald Duxford, 5th Earl of Farthinham, OBE
> 
> ...





> _To: Lord Duxford, OBE
> 
> From: Sir Robert de Fleurry, Chief Curator, Royal Society
> 
> ...

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## GTX (Apr 30, 2022)



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## GTX (Apr 30, 2022)



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## Ralph Haus (Apr 30, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 666443


HE!!!! Careful.

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## Wurger (Apr 30, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Apr 30, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 666418



That looks like a typical worksite for our local council though the 12 vehicles (11 new medium size sedans and one old ute) the various staff need to travel (over 100km) from the council depot to any local work site are missing.

The pre graphics version of that truism is
*BOATRACE*​

Once upon a time Brand X Aviation and the American manufacturer of their aircraft decided to have a competition boat race on the river Thames.

Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Americans won by a mile!

Afterwards the Brand X Aviation team became very discouraged by the loss and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

THE CONCLUSION:

The problem was the Americans had eight people rowing, and one person steering. Brand X Aviation had one person rowing and eight people steering.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team structure. Millions of dollars and several months later the consultancy company concluded that:

"Too many people were steering and not enough rowing".

To prevent losing to the Americans again next year, the team structure was changed to:

One rower
Four Steering Managers
Three Senior Steering Managers and
One Executive Steering Manager

A new quality performance system was set up for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a key performer.

THE NEXT YEAR THE AMERICANS WON BY TWO MILES!

Brand X Aviation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all the paddles and cancelled all the capital investment for new equipment.

They halted the development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the Consultants and distributed the money saved as bonuses to Senior Management.

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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2022)

“He who sweats more in training bleeds less in war.” – Spartan Creed

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## ThomasP (May 1, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 1, 2022)




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## ARTESH (May 1, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 666476


I should try this!

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## ARTESH (May 1, 2022)



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## ARTESH (May 1, 2022)

Boys vs. Girls ...

Girls after getting 19.75 in any exam:

---

Boys after 3 terrible defeats and loosing half of their land:

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## GTX (May 1, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (May 1, 2022)

We now have documentation as to which WW II plane could Ukraine use.

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## special ed (May 1, 2022)



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## special ed (May 1, 2022)



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## special ed (May 1, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (May 1, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 666545


I might need their number.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 1, 2022)



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## Wurger (May 2, 2022)




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## MiTasol (May 2, 2022)

A somewhat different quote

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## wlewisiii (May 2, 2022)

Heard this one and shared it with the GF last night:

"I was having an argument with my wife and for once I was winning. 

Then she took off her shirt and bra. 

It was a boobie trap... "

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## Snautzer01 (May 2, 2022)

wlewisiii said:


> Heard this one and shared it with the GF last night:
> 
> "I was having an argument with my wife and for once I was winning.
> 
> ...

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## Greg Boeser (May 2, 2022)

My kids asked, "why do you and Mom always have to argue?"
I said, "We don't argue. Mom expresses her opinion, and I listen." 
And that's when the fight started...

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## special ed (May 2, 2022)

Called to get a Blue Book value on my car. They asked if the tank was full or empty.

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## Gnomey (May 2, 2022)




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## MIflyer (May 3, 2022)

This youtube video is about a underpass so "famous" that it has its own website, 11foot8.com

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## Greg Boeser (May 3, 2022)

I did that with the company truck 
...the last time they let me drive it.

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## special ed (May 3, 2022)



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## special ed (May 3, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 3, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (May 3, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 666747



Same goes for pilots. The old joke is true...How do you know when there's a pilot in the bar? He'll tell you.

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## MIflyer (May 3, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I did that with the company truck
> ...the last time they let me drive it


That underpass is in Durham, NC. If it were in FL we'd have made a theme park out of it by now.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 3, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Same goes for pilots. The old joke is true...How do you know when there's a pilot in the bar? He'll tell you.



It’s true.

I keep it simple and just wear this t-shirt everywhere I go:

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 3, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (May 3, 2022)

I love the "globe"

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## Greg Boeser (May 3, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 666755


How did you find a picture of my cousin?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 3, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> How did you find a picture of my cousin?



I thought it was seriously a picture of a friend of mine.

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## SaparotRob (May 3, 2022)

We all have a cousin like that.

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## GTX (May 3, 2022)

It's scary how true that is...

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## Gnomey (May 3, 2022)




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## MiTasol (May 3, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Same goes for pilots. The old joke is true...How do you know when there's a pilot in the bar? He'll tell you.



And it is not true that pilots can not have any feelings of love or pride. The ones they have are very powerful - it is just that they are inwardly turned

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## Snautzer01 (May 3, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> It’s true.
> 
> I keep it simple and just wear this t-shirt everywhere I go:
> 
> View attachment 666752


On the other hand.. Biff shirt

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## Lucky13 (May 4, 2022)



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## Wurger (May 4, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 4, 2022)



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## special ed (May 4, 2022)

Warning! 
Inflation Joke:
Exxon-Mobile laid off 25 congressmen.

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## Ralph Haus (May 4, 2022)

Sorry! I don't get it?? Must be an inside joke or everyone knows Janelle but me!

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## Gnomey (May 4, 2022)




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## MiTasol (May 4, 2022)

Its from a movie - one of the Terminator series


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## Ralph Haus (May 4, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Its from a movie - one of the Terminator series


Ahhh..huh! Still don't get it, but if there are any jokes that relate to the perhaps 6 movies (modern), (The Day the Earth Stood Still, etc. being 'classics') I've seen in the past 30 years than I may get it?

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## special ed (May 4, 2022)



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## at6 (May 5, 2022)

Today was Star Wars Day. I ate Star Wars beans and now the FARTS IS STRONG within me.

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## at6 (May 5, 2022)

Young Luke Skywalker ate the Jedi beans. Even Yoda noticed the strength of the farts within him. May the Farts be with you!!!!

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## MiTasol (May 5, 2022)



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## MiTasol (May 5, 2022)



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## Wayne Little (May 5, 2022)




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## Wurger (May 5, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (May 5, 2022)

Things I need to know....Does the arachnophobia support group have a website?

Coat donned, trainers/sneakers at the ready...about to make a bolt for the door before someone kicks me out!

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## WARSPITER (May 5, 2022)

at6 said:


> Young Luke Skywalker ate the Jedi beans. Even Yoda noticed the strength of the farts within him. May the Farts be with you!!!!


And from Gilbert Gottfried - Yoda has a new reality show called - When the Sith hits the fan.

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## buffnut453 (May 5, 2022)

My wife and I met at a 'Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President' class.

I knew she was the one from the moment I set Eisenhower.


They're getting worse...stop me before I go nuclear!

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## special ed (May 5, 2022)

Our lawn mower broke and there was always something more important than getting it fixed.
One day when I came home, there she was sitting in the tall grass with a tiny pair of scissors snipping away.
I want in and came out and handed her a toothbrush and said,
"When you are finished cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctor says I will walk but with a limp.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 5, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (May 5, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 667026



I tried not to laugh. Really, I did!!!

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## Gnomey (May 5, 2022)




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## ARTESH (May 5, 2022)

I don't get it! Can someone explain, please?

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## SaparotRob (May 5, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> I don't get it! Can someone explain, please?


It's a play on words, sort of. Cinquo de Mayo is a national holiday in Mexico. It's pronounced "sink-o de mayo". That ship is named De Mayo. It is sinking.

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## SaparotRob (May 5, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 667026


Why is this not a meme?

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## vikingBerserker (May 5, 2022)

Actually is a Mexican Holiday only celebrated in the US

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## WARSPITER (May 5, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Actually is a Mexican Holiday only celebrated in the US


Not a wonder if you have to be somewhere that can afford to sink a ship.

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## MIflyer (May 6, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Actually is a Mexican Holiday only celebrated in the US


And only if there is beer.

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## SaparotRob (May 6, 2022)

Traditionally *Corona* beer but that might be for a different thread.


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## MIflyer (May 6, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Traditionally *Corona* beer but that might be for a different thread.


Corona beer is now only used to treat COVID 19.

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## GTX (May 6, 2022)

A new T-shirt I'm considering:

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## Gnomey (May 6, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 6, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 6, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 7, 2022)



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## special ed (May 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (May 7, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 667283


Oh! A grammar knotsie!

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## special ed (May 7, 2022)



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## special ed (May 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 7, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (May 7, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 667300


Investigators say they are not sure of the cause of death, but they did find what appears to be a suicide note.

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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 7, 2022)



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## ARTESH (May 8, 2022)

Remaining time: 872 hours 50 minutes ...

In other word, it takes nearly 36 days and half!!!


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## Lucky13 (May 8, 2022)



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## MIflyer (May 8, 2022)

Many men smoke but Fu Man Chu.

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## SaparotRob (May 8, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Many men smoke but Fu Man Chu.

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## GTX (May 8, 2022)

Never noticed this before but there is a distinct duck appearance going there:

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## ARTESH (May 8, 2022)

It is going to same place as Donald the duck goes! No where.

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## MIflyer (May 8, 2022)

Duck? As a proud graduate of the University of SC, I can assure you that is a GAMECOCK!

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## Gnomey (May 8, 2022)




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## gumbyk (May 8, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 667237


Well, Brian May does have a doctorate in astrophysics, and is a Fellow of the Royal Astronomical Society, so who are we to argue?

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## Lucky13 (May 8, 2022)

"Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated, and drunkenness sobered, but stupid lasts forever."

Aristophanes



I'm not so sure about that, regarding people of today, the last generation or two....I'd say that _all _the above lasts forever it seems!

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## Lucky13 (May 8, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 8, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 8, 2022)



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## Glider (May 8, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 667280


I hate saying it, but I work four days a week, Tuesday to Friday and yes, I really enjoy Mondays


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## special ed (May 8, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 9, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 9, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 9, 2022)



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## MIflyer (May 9, 2022)

Someone told me of a store that might have a book I was looking for, but no luck.

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## Gnomey (May 9, 2022)




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## GTX (May 9, 2022)



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## GTX (May 9, 2022)



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## special ed (May 9, 2022)



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## special ed (May 9, 2022)



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## special ed (May 9, 2022)



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## MIflyer (May 9, 2022)

Back in the 70's an African nation was having a military parade which featured a jet fly over by all seven of the pilots that had been trained in the USSR, but which in reality displayed a massive mid-air involving all 7 aircraft. The two survivors were sent back to the USSR for more training along with 7 new trainees.

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## MiTasol (May 10, 2022)

PNG Helicopter safety briefing - oldie but goodie

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## javlin (May 10, 2022)

.

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## javlin (May 10, 2022)

.

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## Gnomey (May 10, 2022)




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## SaparotRob (May 10, 2022)

javlin said:


> .


That's why I keep a supply of twizzlers around. Once shocked, twice shy.

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## Snautzer01 (May 10, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Back in the 70's an African nation was having a military parade which featured a jet fly over by all seven of the pilots that had been trained in the USSR, but which in reality displayed a massive mid-air involving all 7 aircraft. The two survivors were sent back to the USSR for more training along with 7 new trainees.


So changes are 1 of them is an ace in a day. You don't get that with western training.

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## MIflyer (May 10, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> So changes are 1 of them is an ace in a day. You don't get that with western training.


And you don't get a posthumous Kamikaze rating, either.

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## buffnut453 (May 11, 2022)

This is the BEST example of the main difference between Yanks and Brits (with affection on both sides of that divide):

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## Gnomey (May 11, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 11, 2022)



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## ThomasP (May 12, 2022)

At work the dispatcher received an email from the higher-ups that people were no longer allowed to send emails with sentences in all capital letters, nor were they to use exclamation points - as that is (apparently) considered equivalent to yelling or using a loud forceful voice. The dispatcher responded with an email composed entirely of alternating capital and lower case letters - with no punctuation.

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## SaparotRob (May 12, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> At work the dispatcher received an email from the higher-ups that people were no longer allowed to send emails with sentences in all capital letters, nor were they to use exclamation points - as that is (apparently) considered equivalent to yelling or using a loud forceful voice. The dispatcher responded with an email composed entirely of alternating capital and lower case letters - with no punctuation.


Pops Pallilo?

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## special ed (May 12, 2022)



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## GTX (May 12, 2022)

"One of these has military experience in the field. The other is Russia's defense minister."

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## Gnomey (May 12, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 12, 2022)



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## Frog (May 12, 2022)

Navy motto :
When it moves, it's saluted.
When it doesn't move, it's painted.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 12, 2022)

Let’s try and shy away from the political stuff. 

Having said that, let’s all try and have a thicker skin. Life’s too short to get upset over everything, especially in a world where we all have different opinions.

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## Greg Boeser (May 12, 2022)

I thought it was open season on Putin?
Or are you refering to Greta?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 12, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I thought it was open season on Putin?
> Or are you refering to Greta?


 
Some other posts as well that were removed.


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## Greg Boeser (May 12, 2022)

Ah.


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## Frog (May 13, 2022)

French Navy variant :
Paint over shit equals cleanness.

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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 13, 2022)




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## special ed (May 13, 2022)



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## special ed (May 13, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (May 13, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 668344


My daughter-in-law got a lesson in this when she first moved down to North Carolina. She got a part-time job at a business off base, and was getting along great with her co-workers, also military spouses, until she let slip that she was Mrs. LOOTENANT Boeser.

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## special ed (May 13, 2022)



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## special ed (May 14, 2022)

The definition of BIG. Look closely.

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## Snautzer01 (May 14, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 668391




 horseUSA
cought. USA on the other side i am sure.

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## Gnomey (May 14, 2022)




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## ThomasP (May 15, 2022)



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## MiTasol (May 15, 2022)

Sadist

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## ThomasP (May 15, 2022)



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## ThomasP (May 15, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 15, 2022)




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## special ed (May 15, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 15, 2022)



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## ThomasP (May 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (May 16, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 16, 2022)



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## ARTESH (May 16, 2022)

When you've studied Arts, but your only job offer was shepherd!!!

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## special ed (May 16, 2022)



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## MiTasol (May 16, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> View attachment 669063
> 
> 
> When you've studied Arts, but your only job offer was shepherd!!!



Love it - the local version of that is - _the most common question heard from someone with an arts degree is "do you want fries with that"_ (meaning they are only qualified to work in a burger shop).

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## special ed (May 17, 2022)

A club member's daughter graduated from a well known aeronautical university in spite of severe gender bias and when she returned for a class reunion, found one of the top men in her class working at a pizzeria.

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## ARTESH (May 17, 2022)

So sad, in fact!!! Years of study in one field, ending up working something else...

It gets worse when you don't like that job!!!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 17, 2022)



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## Shortround6 (May 17, 2022)

special ed said:


> found one of the top men in her class working at a pizzeria.


Using his knowledge of low speed rotary wing flying surfaces to achieve uniform distribution of materials/thickness in the rotating flying surface of the companies signature product.

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## Gnomey (May 17, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (May 17, 2022)

But what if he moved the radio on the pizza forward....................................

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## Lucky13 (May 18, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 18, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 18, 2022)



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## ARTESH (May 18, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 669387


Old is GOLD.

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## special ed (May 18, 2022)



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## ARTESH (May 18, 2022)

The Girls are so strange...

You're talking very seriously with them, suddenly they remember it's 'skin care' time!!!

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## Snautzer01 (May 18, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 669387


I think i used to have that receiver , but no Beatles would be on my player.

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## Gnomey (May 18, 2022)




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## ARTESH (May 19, 2022)

Psychotherapist: whatever you see in your dreams, has a meaning ...

Meanwhile, my dreams be like:

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## Gnomey (May 19, 2022)




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## MiTasol (May 20, 2022)

The bicycle is the slow death of the ECONOMY !!
General Director of Euro Exim Bank Ltd. got economists thinking when he said:
"A cyclist is a disaster for the country's economy: he does not buy cars and does not borrow money to buy. He does not pay for insurance policies. 
He does not buy fuel, does not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs of roads. He does not use paid parking.
He does not cause serious accidents.
He does not require multi-lane highways. He does not get fat.
Healthy people are neither needed nor useful for the economy.
They don't buy medicine. They do not go to hospitals or doctors.
Nothing is added to the country's GDP (gross domestic product).
On the contrary, every new McDonald's restaurant creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietary experts and nutritionists, and obviously, people who work at the restaurant itself."
Choose carefully: cyclist or McDonald's? It is worth considering.

Walking is even worse. Pedestrians don't even buy bicycles.

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## special ed (May 20, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (May 20, 2022)

.....and that's when the day marker leapt out and rammed my boat!

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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 20, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (May 20, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 669879


Women have no sense of humor.

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## MiTasol (May 21, 2022)

To quote one friend:

Women have only two modes. Going into or coming out of a bad mood

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## ARTESH (May 21, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> The bicycle is the slow death of the ECONOMY !!
> General Director of Euro Exim Bank Ltd. got economists thinking when he said:
> "A cyclist is a disaster for the country's economy: he does not buy cars and does not borrow money to buy. He does not pay for insurance policies.
> He does not buy fuel, does not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs of roads. He does not use paid parking.
> ...


Still miles away from Iranian regime officials ...

Here is an example:



> Whoever has done more sons, a harder death awaits him ...



The man who said this, was 'blown up to pieces' on 1981.









Abdol Hossein Dastgheib - Wikipedia







en.m.wikipedia.org

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## at6 (May 21, 2022)

What did the rooster say as he left the hen house?
"That's one piece KFC won't get"!

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## GTX (May 21, 2022)

Voting with style:



https://www.news.com.au/national/federal-election/why-aussies-are-voting-on-election-day-with-no-pants-on/news-story/02f376617dbeb1e1fdc7b6c032bf7cc2

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## Gnomey (May 21, 2022)




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## MiTasol (May 21, 2022)

GTX said:


> Voting with style:
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.news.com.au/national/federal-election/why-aussies-are-voting-on-election-day-with-no-pants-on/news-story/02f376617dbeb1e1fdc7b6c032bf7cc2



Thanks - that put some smiles into our federal erection. Regardless of who wins we still get screwed.

It was good to see that one feral minister from the party that has been trying to minimise pay rises who said that poliarticians needed a pay raise (from more than four times the average pay) is now unemployed.

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## special ed (May 21, 2022)



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## ThomasP (May 21, 2022)

4-wheel construction vehicle trying to break dance?

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## special ed (May 21, 2022)

Something broke all right.

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## Gnomey (May 22, 2022)




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## special ed (May 22, 2022)



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## special ed (May 22, 2022)



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## special ed (May 22, 2022)



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## special ed (May 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 22, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (May 22, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 670289


That's Common Core for you.

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## Greg Boeser (May 22, 2022)

I know I've told this story before, but it just seems appropriate.
My wife was homeschooling our young son. They were working on geography, and my wife was trying to teach him the points of the compass. So she said, "If you are facing North and you turn 180 degrees, what direction are you facing?"
He answered boldly, "Backwards!"

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 22, 2022)

Lucky13
knock it off with the politically charged postings.


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## WARSPITER (May 22, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I know I've told this story before, but it just seems appropriate.
> My wife was homeschooling our young son. They were working on geography, and my wife was trying to teach him the points of the compass. So she said, "If you are facing North and you turn 180 degrees, what direction are you facing?"
> He answered boldly, "Backwards!"


Two more slices.

A university paper asked students to define ignorance and apathy - best answer was "I don't know and I don't care".

Worked in an accounts place at one stage and I was telling a younger person about some statistic that showed that 7 out 10 
people did such and such. The answer - "Wow! That's like...... 90 percent !".

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 23, 2022)

Knock it off with the unnecessary political postings. This goes for everyone, and posts about any side of the coin. Last warning.


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## Marcel (May 23, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 669880


Here in the Netherlands that would be "You drive for four minutes....."

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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 23, 2022)

Now that’s better…

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## special ed (May 23, 2022)

My last job before retirement was a company that scanned and/or microfilmed documents. After nearly a year's employment, one very sharp young man came and told me he had to quit because he was "allergic to paper." "So, you won't be wanting your check" I told him.

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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 23, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## MiTasol (May 23, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (May 23, 2022)

True dat!

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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 23, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (May 23, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 670537


But the paper sticks to my teeth!

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## cammerjeff (May 24, 2022)

My sisters response to her auto insurance adjusters request.

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## Wurger (May 24, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 24, 2022)



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## special ed (May 24, 2022)



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## special ed (May 24, 2022)



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## special ed (May 24, 2022)



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## special ed (May 24, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 24, 2022)




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## special ed (May 24, 2022)



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## special ed (May 24, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 24, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (May 24, 2022)

You have kids and can still afford to drink?

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## at6 (May 24, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 670539


What will this do for a 1986 Dodge Aries K car?


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## SaparotRob (May 25, 2022)

Need a bigger bucket.

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## Greg Boeser (May 25, 2022)

at6 said:


> What will this do for a 1986 Dodge Aries K car?


If you pour enough on the car, you will never have to be reminded that you once spent money on it.

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## Wurger (May 25, 2022)

Since I got to know Morse code, I can't stand the rain knocking on the roof. Tonight it called me for a drink three times ... and by name ...

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## Greg Boeser (May 25, 2022)

Wurger said:


> Since I got to know Morse code, I can't stand the rain knocking on the roof. Tonight it called me for a drink three times ... and by name ...


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## don4331 (May 25, 2022)



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## Wurger (May 25, 2022)




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## special ed (May 25, 2022)



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## ARTESH (May 25, 2022)

A few days ago, I was about to buy a Maserati, but the deal was cancelled!

He said: pay the price. But I didn't have money.

He broke the deal for that.






Whoever goes a trip to desert and Hormoz island, posts a photo with this caption:

You just live once, experience the journey, human learns more.

It's Ok, but will you pay for that trip???

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## Gnomey (May 25, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (May 26, 2022)

A refreshed oldie...but still a goodie:

_It is 2023 and the Russian army is marching onwards to Finland.

As they near the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian soldiers!"

The Russian general laughs, as he sends ten men on the hill to capture it. There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice;

"One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Russian soldiers!"

Annoyed, the Russian general sends hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out;

"One Finnish soldier is better than thousand Russian soldiers!"

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs. For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again. 

One Russian soldier crawls back, severely wounded, and reports;

"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap! There are two of them."_

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## Wurger (May 26, 2022)




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## Gnomey (May 26, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 28, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 28, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 28, 2022)



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## GTX (May 28, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 28, 2022)




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## Wurger (May 28, 2022)



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## at6 (May 28, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 671249


That would scare me out of the bed room!


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## SaparotRob (May 28, 2022)

Caroline Jones was THE Morticia Adams.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (May 28, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 671248



That or they have a really upset stomach.

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## Snautzer01 (May 29, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 671248


I am sure all are looking at the meter at the gas station. I know i had all those faces while pumping gas lately.

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## WARSPITER (May 29, 2022)

A man is standing at his bedroom window with the curtains open while wearing nothing.

His wife yells at him, "For goodness sake get away from there, people will think I married you for your money!"

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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 29, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2022)



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## special ed (May 29, 2022)



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## Glider (May 30, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 671215


There are some questions you shouldn't ask, as you don't want to know the answer

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## WARSPITER (May 30, 2022)

A lady is running down the street screaming for help.

A cop comes running over.

Cop: What is it?
Lady: An elephant has just robbed the bank.

Cop: Would you recognise it if you saw it again ?
Lady: I don't think so, it had a stocking over its head.

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## Gnomey (May 30, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 671385


This is me on an all to regular basis…

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## GTX (May 30, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 671385


Some days definitely feel like this...except for the 8hrs part. 8hrs?? Bloody luxury!!!

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## Lucky13 (May 31, 2022)



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## Gnomey (May 31, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (May 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (May 31, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 1, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Jun 1, 2022)

Alert Pad, Eielson AFB, Alaska, -60°F and it is so cold your nuts have gone vertical and are actually trying to get back inside where it's warm . . .

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## ThomasP (Jun 1, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 1, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 1, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jun 1, 2022)

I really believe they should ban Instagram for newly married couples.







When you're out with your friend and his girlfriend!!!

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## ThomasP (Jun 1, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 1, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jun 1, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 671723

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## ThomasP (Jun 1, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jun 1, 2022)

One day I will open a coffee shop, with only three entries in the menu ...

1- Tea

2- Chai

3- Herbal

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 1, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jun 1, 2022)




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## GTX (Jun 1, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 671685


Reminds me of:

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## special ed (Jun 1, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 2, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 2, 2022)

You're going to Hell for that one for sure.

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## at6 (Jun 2, 2022)

Oh give him a break. That means I might go too Hell too. I've told Nun jokes. Don't date a Penguin. You'll go home with Nun.

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## ThomasP (Jun 2, 2022)

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."

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## ARTESH (Jun 2, 2022)

Something for 

 Shinpachi
-san:

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## special ed (Jun 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 2, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 2, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jun 2, 2022)




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## Ralph Haus (Jun 2, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 671946


My closer look. THERE'S A GUY ON THE TRUNK HOLDING IT!!! Wow. Hope there weren't any big potholes.


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## A4K (Jun 2, 2022)

A guy asks his wife why she chose to marry him. "For your sense of humour" she says. "Really? I thought it was because I was good in bed". "See?' she says, 'You're hilarious!!!"

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 3, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 3, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 3, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 3, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 3, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Jun 3, 2022)

This is appropriate for this forum.

Lol

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## Wurger (Jun 3, 2022)




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## GTX (Jun 3, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 672081


Better yet make it autonomous piloted

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## Gnomey (Jun 3, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jun 3, 2022)

We went to visit my dear old Mum and, while there, decided to take her out to Chester for the day. She's 92 so getting around on her own is challenging but we reckoned a suitable entourage of son, daughter-in-law, 2 grandsons and a granddaughter-in-law would probably suffice to keep her out of trouble.

As we wandered up the Rows towards Chester Cross, we came across this sign in the street (our youngest--now 18--pointed it out). Had to share with the Forum 'cos it's just TOO GOOD!

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## special ed (Jun 3, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 3, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 3, 2022)

What the freaking hell??!!!!


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## at6 (Jun 3, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 672157


I'll take two please.

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 3, 2022)

I need a bigger office.

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## Gnomey (Jun 4, 2022)




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## at6 (Jun 5, 2022)

There they were running around barking and then they stopped, sniffed each other's butts, and barked some more. A female showed up and all Hell broke loose. I really need to stop watching The Bachelorette.

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## special ed (Jun 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 5, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 5, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Jun 5, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 672433


There's a Dairy Queen next to ours.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 5, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 5, 2022)

"Double wide"? 😳😲🤨🤔

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## Lucky13 (Jun 5, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 5, 2022)

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most
of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the
car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

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## Thumpalumpacus (Jun 5, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 672435



Two blondes are out hiking past Ojai when they come across a set of tracks.

"We should be careful," says one. "Those look like mountain-lion tracks."

"Oh, pshaw," says the other. "Those are racoon tracks, are you dumb or what?"

They debated it for three or four minutes before the train came along and killed them both.

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 5, 2022)

Thumpalumpacus said:


> Two blondes are out hiking past Ojai when they come across a set of tracks.
> 
> "We should be careful," says one. "Those look like mountain-lion tracks."
> 
> ...


Yeah sure but what about the lion ?

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## Thumpalumpacus (Jun 5, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Yeah sure but what about the lion ?



He was well-fed that night, from what I understand.

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 5, 2022)

Did it sleep?

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## Gnomey (Jun 5, 2022)




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## Thumpalumpacus (Jun 5, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Did it sleep?



You'll need to find a blonde to investigate that question.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 5, 2022)

According to The Tokens, the lions slept that night....

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## MiTasol (Jun 6, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 6, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> According to The Tokens, the lions slept that night....



That song has a very interesting history.

It was written, in Zulu, and recorded in 1939 by a South African named Soloman Linda who died a pauper in 1962 because the Tokens (and many other artists) stole his work and never paid royalties (until 15 years ago).

Solomon Linda was also one of the "founders" of that style of music - it in turn being a commercial derivative of his tribal groups traditional music

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## special ed (Jun 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 6, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 6, 2022)

*We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.* *~* _Aesop, Greek slave & fable author_

*Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.* _~ Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher_

*Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.* _~ Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician_

*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.* _~ Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defence' by Irving Stone._

*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.* _~ John Quinton, American actor/writer_

*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.*
_~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."_

*I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".* _~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952._

*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country* *.* _~ Texas Guinan. 19th-century American businessman_

*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.* _~ Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician_

*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.*
~_Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924_ _Olympic Games_

*I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.*
*What happens if all of them drown? That is a solution!*

*I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.*
_~John Adams (1735 - 1826)_

*Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself.* _~ Mark Twain (1835- 1910)_

*I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!* ~ _Will Rogers (1879- 1935)_

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## MiTasol (Jun 6, 2022)

And one of my favourites - author unknown

*Why should politicians be buried (alive) in a grave 100 metres deep?

Because deep deep down they are quite nice people*

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## Gnomey (Jun 6, 2022)




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## VBF-13 (Jun 6, 2022)

Before they get elected, they kiss our ass. After they get elected, we kiss their ass. That's it, in a nut.

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## VBF-13 (Jun 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 6, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 6, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jun 7, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 672606


Dude looks like a lady

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## special ed (Jun 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 7, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jun 7, 2022)




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## wlewisiii (Jun 7, 2022)



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## A4K (Jun 7, 2022)

What do you call an IT teacher who molests his students?
A PDF file

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## special ed (Jun 7, 2022)

I can't remember if this has been here:

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "fried chicken".
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my Dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was a chicken.
She asked why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I an Now...

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## at6 (Jun 7, 2022)

I just happen to be one of those People Eating Tasty Animals.

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## at6 (Jun 7, 2022)

If you don't like my eating meat............Don't look.


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## Greg Boeser (Jun 7, 2022)

Just chew with your mouth shut.
And don't growl as you rip the flesh off the bone with your teeth.

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## Gnomey (Jun 8, 2022)




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## at6 (Jun 8, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Just chew with your mouth shut.
> And don't growl as you rip the flesh off the bone with your teeth.


It's more fun to growl as you rip the flesh from the bone. It also tastes better that way.

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## buffnut453 (Jun 8, 2022)

at6 said:


> It's more fun to growl as you rip the flesh from the bone. It also tastes better that way.



Closely followed by yelling "Serving wench!!!! Another flagon of your finest mead, if you please!!!!"

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 8, 2022)

Yeah. But it's the part where you put the bone in your nose that grosses me out.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 8, 2022)

The Shadow? Lamont Cranston?

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## special ed (Jun 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 8, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 9, 2022)

groan . . .

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## MiTasol (Jun 9, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 9, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 9, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 9, 2022)

Roadsign at Russia-Ukraine border. ( ГААГА = Hague )

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## ThomasP (Jun 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 9, 2022)

I think my wife's cousin sends MiTasol the same Emails.


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## Lucky13 (Jun 9, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 9, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 9, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jun 9, 2022)




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## GTX (Jun 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 9, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 9, 2022)

special ed said:


> I think my wife's cousin sends MiTasol the same Emails.


Sometimes I think so as well - those last ones of yours definitely came from the same email as the last ones of mine

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## MiTasol (Jun 9, 2022)

I have a theory about why too.

For 5000 years the wheat was ground and the non edible parts never eaten.

Now we grind the non edible bits until they are as fine as the real flour, bleach them with *chlorine *and mix them in with the real flour.

To make hi-fibre bread we grind *chicken feathers* as fine as flour particles and then bleach them with *chlorine *and mix them in with the real flour.

*I strongly suspect that if you gave gluten intolerant people bread made with REAL flour they would have no problems with it at all.*

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## Ralph Haus (Jun 9, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 672943
> 
> 
> I have a theory about why too.
> ...


While not a 'organics' only fan i firmly believe mucking with the genetics of the wheat has a lot to do with it. More per acre but is it really as healthy?


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## gumbyk (Jun 9, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> While not a 'organics' only fan i firmly believe mucking with the genetics of the wheat has a lot to do with it. More per acre but is it really as healthy?


yep, probably healthier.
The problem is that people only eat one grain. There's no variety in most peoples diets. 
What happens when people stop eating wheat? They start eating a variety of different grains, and the problems go away, even when those grains contain gluten.


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## at6 (Jun 9, 2022)

I'm sitting on my glutens and boy are they sore.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 9, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 9, 2022)

Lets not go too political folks.


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## Snautzer01 (Jun 10, 2022)

The real reason why rochie has a new job

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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 10, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 10, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 10, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 10, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jun 10, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Jun 10, 2022)

You are still wrong. And will be punished.

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## special ed (Jun 10, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 10, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 10, 2022)

*FINAL NOTE TO EVERYONE:*

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 10, 2022)

It really is not hard to understand.


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## Ralph Haus (Jun 10, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> It really is not hard to understand.


I'm really regeting responding to the wheat thing. Should have just said "great topic for a new thread" and left it there. Sorry!


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## at6 (Jun 10, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> I'm really regeting responding to the wheat thing. Should have just said "great topic for a new thread" and left it there. Sorry!


I wouldn't worry too much about that. We all have moments when the zipper breaks and the horse exits the barn.


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## special ed (Jun 10, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 10, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 10, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 11, 2022)

My toddlers are capable of listening better.

Enough of the politics. This is a quotes and jokes thread, not The View, not Fox & Friends, and certainly not CNNs New Day.

We have eased the politics rule but that does not mean it belongs everywhere, or that every topic must be discussed.


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## MiTasol (Jun 11, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 11, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 11, 2022)

" . . . '


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## at6 (Jun 11, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 673069


I guess my key board needs a chastity belt.

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## ThomasP (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 11, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 673069


You've never met my wife, then.

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## special ed (Jun 11, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jun 11, 2022)

I never thought of that.


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## special ed (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 11, 2022)

🤔

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## Gnomey (Jun 11, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 11, 2022)

FFS....I nearly choked! 😳😲😆😆😆😂😂😂

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## MiTasol (Jun 11, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 673120


Wow - and good roads in the time of dinosaurs as well.

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## vikingBerserker (Jun 11, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> FFS....I nearly choked! 😳😲😆😆😆😂😂😂
> 
> View attachment 673356


Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

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## Gnomey (Jun 12, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 12, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 12, 2022)

Some food jokes

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## special ed (Jun 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 12, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jun 12, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 673430


I'm working Nassau Tower in Mineola. I'get a report from a passing train that there's a guy with a radar gun by my tower. I look out and see him. I go out to talk to him (who are you, you are trespassing. etc.). He clocked a train as I walk up. He says "79 miles per hour!" I say "Cool. MAS is eighty. Who are you?" The young guy tells me the trains going by his house frighten his child. I told him the railroad has been going by here since the Civil War. "When you bought the house, you didn't notice there was a railroad in the backyard?"

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 12, 2022)

I grew up on a block bisected by rr tracks. Best playground a kid could have.
You just had to watch your step after the Amtrak came through.

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## Shortround6 (Jun 12, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I grew up on a block bisected by rr tracks. Best playground a kid could have.
> You just had to watch your step after the Amtrak came through.


After or before?

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 12, 2022)

After. The toilets flushed directly onto the tracks.

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## MiTasol (Jun 12, 2022)

Well it is biodegradable after all

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 12, 2022)

It was great when ore trains came through. You collected up all the taconite pellets, which was great slingshot ammunition.

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## MiTasol (Jun 12, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 12, 2022)



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## Shortround6 (Jun 12, 2022)

Remember those old "this is your brain on drugs commercials"?????

That new picture is your brain after an hour of political news (from either side).

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 13, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 673430

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 13, 2022)



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## Ralph Haus (Jun 13, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> After. The toilets flushed directly onto the tracks.


Not like the Swiss lines (Alps lines) that were holes straight to the tracks. Wife would "hold' forever!

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 13, 2022)

Sounds drafty.

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## Ralph Haus (Jun 13, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Sounds drafty.


When train was underway, sometimes downdraft, sometimes updraft; caution advised when standing above.

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## GTX (Jun 13, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Jun 13, 2022)

For you fisherman.

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## Gnomey (Jun 13, 2022)




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## special ed (Jun 13, 2022)

To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake while I was talking on my cell phone.
The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kindhearted personality, you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
P.S.: Your girlfriend phoned, she is pregnant.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 14, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 14, 2022)

special ed said:


> To my darling husband,
> Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.
> Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
> I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake while I was talking on my cell phone.
> ...


This post has a real life similar occasion. 
Back about 20+ years ago, I and my late brother in law used to haunt a particular auto salvage yard looking for old cars to collect. One day, the boss's son drove in with a beautiful 1940 Chevrolet club coupe on the flat bed. It appeared original except for it's chrome rims, however the entire front deck, hood, fenders, grill etc hinged forward as in big rig style, revealing a very chromed Chev 350. The appearance close up looked stock 1940 except for the wheels and the perfect light silvery lavender metalflake paint. The story was the wife sold it for junk for $100 to Bill's yard. She was also selling tools, fishing rods, reels and other items very, very cheep. It seems hubby ran off with a trophy woman abandoning everything. The universal comment around the yard was, "She must have been something."

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 14, 2022)

A woman, who worked in our office, was complaining about her poor choice in men one day. "Why do men always cheat?!" She demanded. 
My brother looked at her, smiled, and said, "All men don't cheat, only the dumb ones. One woman is enough of a headache. Why multiply it?"

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## Gnomey (Jun 14, 2022)




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## Wurger (Jun 14, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 14, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 14, 2022)

That's exactly how I feel, when I pass a stone.

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## GTX (Jun 14, 2022)

Hmmm...maybe some wars should be kept going:









Canada and Denmark look to end their decades-long 'whisky war'


A good-spirited dispute over Hans Island that has been a point of curiosity for nearly 50 years has been resolved without conflict.




www.abc.net.au

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## special ed (Jun 14, 2022)

What a relief! Another island the Chinese can't take.

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## at6 (Jun 15, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 673713


I had a bowel movement that felt like that once. Same position and same facial expression even.

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## ThomasP (Jun 15, 2022)

I have been saving this one for the right moment:

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## Gnomey (Jun 15, 2022)




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## special ed (Jun 15, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 15, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 15, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 16, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 16, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 16, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 16, 2022)




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## SaparotRob (Jun 16, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 673884


Truer words have never been spoken.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 16, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 16, 2022)

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it also tells me why I wanted to go there.

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## MiTasol (Jun 16, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 16, 2022)



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## GTX (Jun 16, 2022)

The stupid and their money are soon parted:



https://www.news.com.au/finance/money/australians-commonly-burn-banknotes-in-the-toaster-by-accident/news-story/75c5b804dbbc9fa6187e3283467aca73

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## Gnomey (Jun 16, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Jun 17, 2022)

GTX said:


> The stupid and their money are soon parted:
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.news.com.au/finance/money/australians-commonly-burn-banknotes-in-the-toaster-by-accident/news-story/75c5b804dbbc9fa6187e3283467aca73


Looks like a scam. Hoping that the amount of money is not really traceble so you get a few dollars more when you claim.


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## Greg Boeser (Jun 17, 2022)



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## Ralph Haus (Jun 17, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Looks like a scam. Hoping that the amount of money is not really traceble so you tet a few dollars more when you claim.


I'm like you, scam. Not sure of the 'traditions' down under, but that would be teally weird in my neighborhood! Hiding in gun cabinet, maybe? But toaster?? Besides most folks I know use toaster ovens.

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## Gnomey (Jun 17, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Jun 17, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> I'm like you, scam. Not sure of the 'traditions' down under, but that would be teally weird in my neighborhood! Hiding in gun cabinet, maybe? But toaster?? Besides most folks I know use toaster ovens.


Guns are very rare here, like in most countries.

One of the many reasons Aus, like most other countries, has never had a school shooting

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 17, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Jun 17, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Guns are very rare here, like in most countries.
> 
> One of the many reasons Aus, like most other countries, has never had a school shooting



Yes, but everything else there is trying to kill you.

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## MiTasol (Jun 17, 2022)

We have sharks, snakes and crocs - and combined they only amount to a very few deaths per year - usually under 5. Nearly all of those deaths could have been avoided if the person took simple reasonable precautions - like not swimming in the sharks and crocs food bowl in such a manner as to attract them to food. I am a diver so I often swim in shark infested water and I know how to attract them for photos as well as how not to make them hungry.

The US has guns, sharks, snakes, gators and large cats. If you exclude guns, combined the others only amount to a few deaths per year. On Dec 26 last year in the US:







Very few of those, if any, could have been prevented by the victims actions.

EDIT
I used to be a hunter until the late 70's. I have no problems with responsible gun owners - but that requires mental and police checks.


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## FLYBOYJ (Jun 17, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> We have sharks, snakes and crocs - and combined they only amount to a very few deaths per year - usually under 5. Nearly all of those deaths could have been avoided if the person took simple reasonable precautions - like not swimming in the sharks and crocs food bowl in such a manner as to attract them to food. I am a diver so I often swim in shark infested water and I know how to attract them for photos as well as how not to make them hungry.
> 
> The US has guns, sharks, snakes, gators and large cats. If you exclude guns, combined the others only amount to a few deaths per year. On Dec 26 last year in the US:
> 
> ...


Agree with your take on responsible gun ownership but you have to break down that number further.

How many were gang related (criminal on criminal)?
How many were committed with illegally acquired guns?
How many were the result of law enforcement actions?

You also have to look at this regionally. The next town over from me never had a murder in it's 130 year history but yet the city of Denver (15 miles away) had 80 last year (the average was 40 to 50 for a city of about 800,000 people).

On the other hand, over the Memorial Day weekend 49 people were shot, 9 died in the city of Chicago, but this was overshadowed by the mass shootings in Buffalo and Texas

Food for thought


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 17, 2022)

Lets not turn the joke thread into a gun debate thread…

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## Ralph Haus (Jun 17, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Guns are very rare here, like in most countries.
> 
> One of the many reasons Aus, like most other countries, has never had a school shooting


So, gun safes are outlawed as well?? That would be a bit of a stretch. Then just a common safe? Seems a bit safer than a toaster? But then again, I may be completely missing the reasons for hiding in the toasted in the first place; thieve wouldn't look there. Not after that article!!


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## Ralph Haus (Jun 17, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Lets not turn the joke thread into a gun debate thread…


Ouch! Guess I've opened anothed can of worms by replying? So.... how about a "Money-Toaster thread and how to best hide it"??

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 17, 2022)

Now you're just phishing.

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## SaparotRob (Jun 17, 2022)

When I was a happy young single fellow, I never had the gas turned on in my apartment (why even bother?). I used the oven to store cash.

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## special ed (Jun 17, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 17, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 17, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 17, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 17, 2022)

One American suggestion for hiding the cash you need for when the internet crashes the eftpos system (like happens in rural Australia far too often). Not my preferred option.

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 17, 2022)

One of my kids used an old Christmas cookie tin. One day I thought I would grab myself a tasty snack, only to be rudely disappointed.
Nothing in there but unappetizing cash!

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 18, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 18, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> One of my kids used an old Christmas cookie tin. One day I thought I would grab myself a tasty snack, only to be rudely disappointed.
> Nothing in there but unappetizing cash!



Your wages of sin were a ruined expectation

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 18, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 18, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 18, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 18, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 18, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 674105


I can guarantee, she is _not_ going to be impressed!

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## special ed (Jun 18, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> One of my kids used an old Christmas cookie tin. One day I thought I would grab myself a tasty snack, only to be rudely disappointed.
> Nothing in there but unappetizing cash!


My first supervisor in the service department at Kodak preferred not to be bothered with trivial things which he expected us to solve by ourselves. In his office, on his desk, he set up a gallon metal can with a slot in the screw on lid. The rule was if you came in and wanted to talk to him, you had to put a donation into his "Shrimpboat kitty". (When he could afford to buy a shrimpoat he would retire.) One day I came in and the can was gone. He explained he needed to make change and when he untaped the lid, He found 2 1/2 pounds of washers. I guess creative minds think alike.

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## syscom3 (Jun 18, 2022)

LOL

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## Lucky13 (Jun 18, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 18, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 18, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 18, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jun 19, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2022)

On Twitter it's even worse it seems....😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Jun 19, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 19, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> On Twitter it's even worse it seems....😉😆😂



I always thought only twits used twitter so I never have

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## syscom3 (Jun 19, 2022)

Lol

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## MiTasol (Jun 19, 2022)

From a 1942 magazine

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## Wayne Little (Jun 20, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jun 20, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Jun 20, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Jun 20, 2022)

Any of you folks remember the tunes from the later part of the 70’s?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 21, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 21, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 21, 2022)

You all know who you are....! 😉😆😂

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## at6 (Jun 21, 2022)

I can identify with that. Most gratifying sound. Also fun to release said noxious gas by meat counters.

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## Gnomey (Jun 21, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 22, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jun 22, 2022)




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## special ed (Jun 22, 2022)

A man was in a bookstore with his young son and the boy was holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy began choking and turning blue in the face. His father realizes his son has swallowed the coin, panics and calls for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a business suit looks up from the adjoining coffee bar, puts down her cup, folds her newspaper, makes her way, unhurriedly, across the store.
Reaching the boy, she drops his pants, takes a firm grip of the boy's testicles, and begins to squeeze and twist, firmly at first, then more intensely. After a few seconds, the boy convulses, then coughs up the quarter. The woman catches the quarter, hands it to the man and walks back to her table without saying a word.
As soon as the man is certain his son is recovered, he rushes to the woman, thanks her saying, "I've never seen anything like that before. Are you a doctor?"
"No, divorce attorney."

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## wlewisiii (Jun 22, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 22, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jun 22, 2022)



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## at6 (Jun 22, 2022)

wlewisiii said:


>



So that's what happens if you buy a firearm from IKEA.

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## MiTasol (Jun 23, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 23, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 23, 2022)




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## special ed (Jun 23, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Jun 23, 2022)

I bought a wig on eBay for one dollar today.

I thought it was a cheap price to pay.

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## Wurger (Jun 23, 2022)




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## GTX (Jun 23, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> I bought a wig on eBay for one dollar today.
> 
> I thought it was a cheap price to pay.


There's a special place in hell for people who tell jokes like that.

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## Ralph Haus (Jun 23, 2022)

Lifted from The Buzzard Roost News (Rising Star, TX)

Three friends married women from different branches of the military. 

The first married a woman from the Navy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a women from the Air Force. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Woman Marine. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said on the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulties when he pees

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## Ralph Haus (Jun 23, 2022)

Lifted from The Buzzard Roost News (Rising Star, TX)

A former sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started , he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. 

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...the rest of the year went very smoothly.

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## Ralph Haus (Jun 23, 2022)

Lifted from The Buzzard Roost News (Rising Star, TX)

A women from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Yeeehaaa!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yeeehaaa!"and rode off.


'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?", asked the service attendant. Nothing, the woman answered, I merely sat behind him on the horse, wrapped my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

Lady, the attendant said, Indians don't use saddles.

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## Wurger (Jun 23, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Jun 23, 2022)

*Mods delete if too political - *Note this joke appears very current at present because the NSW government has just announced it will spend $25 MILLION to add an extra flagpole to the 99 year old Sydney Harbour Bridges and that it must be designed to look identical to the old ones. Apparently it will cost well over $24.5 million just to duplicate the original drawings which are probably in Archives anyway. Unfortunately that is not a/the joke. When challenged on the cost the Premier said he had no idea why so expensive but that is what the experts told him it would cost. 








NSW Premier forced to review $25million Harbour Bridge flagpole price tag


Four years ago the now NSW Premier accused Labor's commitment to flying the Aboriginal flag on the Harbour Bridge as being "virtue signalling". Now, his government will do the same, for a hefty cost.




www.sbs.com.au





A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Australian with links to senior NSW police. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my salary.

Finally he asks the Australian . The Australian architect says I charge 9 Millions. The agent asks surprisingly "How come?!"

The Australian replies: "You take 3M, I take 3M and we pay 3M to the Chinese to build the tower"

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## MiTasol (Jun 23, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 23, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jun 23, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> I bought a wig on eBay for one dollar today.
> 
> I thought it was a cheap price to pay.

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## Gnomey (Jun 23, 2022)




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## Ralph Haus (Jun 23, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> *Mods delete if too political - *Note this joke appears very current at present because the NSW government has just announced it will spend $25 MILLION to add an extra flagpole to the 99 year old Sydney Harbour Bridges and that it must be designed to look identical to the old ones. Apparently it will cost well over $24.5 million just to duplicate the original drawings which are probably in Archives anyway. Unfortunately that is not a/the joke. When challenged on the cost the Premier said he had no idea why so expensive but that is what the experts told him it would cost.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Now I'm Depressed. Having visited/worked in Sidney, enjoying the extremely welcoming people and all, I never paid much attention to the politics; always assuming some sanity? Looks like I was wrong. Please, someone, give me the name of at least one country that has a 'sane' political leadership? Yeah, I know.....Liechtenstein maybe??? Monaco???


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## SaparotRob (Jun 23, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Now I'm Depressed. Having visited/worked in Sidney, enjoying the extremely welcoming people and all, I never paid much attention to the politics; always assuming some sanity? Looks like I was wrong. Please, someone, give me the name of at least one country that has a 'sane' political leadership? Yeah, I know.....Liechtenstein maybe???


Have you considered the Duchy of Grand Fenwick?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 23, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Lifted from The Buzzard Roost News (Rising Star, TX)
> 
> Three friends married women from different branches of the military.
> 
> ...



Meanwhile she is eating crayons and telling everyone she sees that she is a Marine.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jun 23, 2022)

M.A.R.I.N.E.S

My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment and Ships

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## special ed (Jun 23, 2022)

In a military theme:

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## davparlr (Jun 23, 2022)

special ed said:


> In a military theme:
> 
> View attachment 674889
> View attachment 674890
> ...


Speaking of maintenance men, when I was in Pilot training at Vance AFB, Ok. They had civilian mantence, which were very good (IPs would write up planes for being dirty). I started dating a girl who's dad was head of T-38 maintenance. You can bet I treated her very well! In fact we've been married 51 years.


special ed said:


> In a military theme:
> 
> View attachment 674889
> View attachment 674890
> ...


Speaking of Maintenance men, when I was in pilot training at Vance AFB OK, I dated a girl who's dad was chief of T-38 Maintenance. You can bet I treated here very well. We've been married for 51 years.

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## ThomasP (Jun 23, 2022)

Air Force female avionics maintainer when I was 23.





Air Force female avionics maintainer now I am 63.

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## Lucky13 (Jun 23, 2022)

Well....oh never mind! 🤐

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## at6 (Jun 24, 2022)

That's just nasty.

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## MiTasol (Jun 24, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> Well....oh never mind! 🤐
> 
> View attachment 674898



Hey Jan
You should have had worn purple shoes in that self portrait.

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## at6 (Jun 24, 2022)

I think that he ate all of Rochie's cooking in one setting.

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## WARSPITER (Jun 24, 2022)

GTX said:


> There's a special place in hell for people who tell jokes like that.


And guess where we have just opened a new branch. Welcome.

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## Snautzer01 (Jun 24, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> Well....oh never mind! 🤐
> 
> View attachment 674898


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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 24, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 24, 2022)




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## special ed (Jun 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2022)

Poor Terry! 😳😲

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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 24, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 24, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jun 24, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Jun 25, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jun 25, 2022)

At least she got the correcting fluid off the screen.

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## MiTasol (Jun 25, 2022)



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## special ed (Jun 25, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jun 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jun 26, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jun 26, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jun 26, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Jun 26, 2022)

This one reminds me that Australia's largest Telco (Telstra) won the Raspberry research award some 10-15 years back for spending far more than this to find out that immigrants preferred to use their native language when the phoned relatives in their country of birth.

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## MIflyer (Jun 27, 2022)

Found this in the book Rescue Pilot.

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## SaparotRob (Jun 27, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Found this in the book Rescue Pilot.
> 
> View attachment 675299


“Do not obstruct windscreen“. 🤣

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## Wurger (Jun 27, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jun 27, 2022)

So much detail in that cartoon. Every time I look at it, I see something new...like the footprint on the instrument panel and the "Pucker Factor" meter. Love it!!!

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## MIflyer (Jun 27, 2022)

I love the "Caged Gyro"that seems to be a hamster in a wheel wearing a crash helmet. And the ball on the far Right side that says OOPS!

Also the "TDY Money" gauge, and the lights marked "Panic," "Tech Rep," and "Chaplin." 

The control on the panel that says "CHOKE" made me wish I had an instrument panel that could have that one as well as two others next to it that say "PUKE" and "GAG."

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## Gnomey (Jun 27, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jun 27, 2022)

My wife insists I only have two faults. The first is that I don't listen...and something else.

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## MiTasol (Jun 27, 2022)

That checklist reminded me of photo I took of an aircraft checklist in PNG in the 70's. My (much later) bro-in-law purchased the aircraft from a mission that was shut down by CAA after a totally preventable fatal accident. Four or five aborted takeoffs because of massive engine surge and backfiring followed by takeoff and engine failure. The pilot had the choice of a golf course almost straight ahead or turning back. He stalled turning back.

The brand new Aztec had a checklist in the middle of the control specs that said (as far as I can remember) prayer, start engines, prayer, taxi clearance, prayer, taxi, prayer, clearance, prayer, takeoff.

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## MiTasol (Jun 27, 2022)

This one made me laugh. Australia also has these wildlife "roads" but it looks to me like this Singapore one has a fence to stop the critters crossing.

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## special ed (Jun 28, 2022)

In 1956 when some fellow Civil Air Patrol cadets returned from an European exchange trip to Spain, we were told of one of their Ju 52 flights where the crew chief started the engines, tuned and adjusted them, and when satisfied, tapped the pilot. The pilot and co-pilot then crossed themselves and firewalled the three throttles.

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## special ed (Jun 28, 2022)

Thinking back to the stories they related about their two weeks is Spain, There were these:

Cadets were given rides and stick time in Bu 131s. One cadet told of his pilot flying to a small town near the base where the pilot's girlfriend worked in the bank, the tallest building in town (four floors), and flying down the street at window level. Another cadet with another pilot told of seeing a train, and the pilot flying down alongside the engine and with circular motion hand signs, challenged the engineer to race. The fireman was seen frantically shoveling coal into the boiler and as the train just began to pull ahead the pilot pulled hard up to almost 60 degrees. Tunnel! At Torrejon, their escort assigned to them was a Spanish AF Captain, in a body cast from just under his shoulders to just below his knees using crutches, who was chosen (he said) because he was the only officer who spoke English. I personally doubt he was only officer English speaker on base but the cadets said they found no one else while they were there. When finally asked about his injuries, he told them he flew into a fence post in his Mustang.

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## SaparotRob (Jun 28, 2022)

special ed said:


> Thinking back to the stories they related about their two weeks is Spain, There were these:
> 
> Cadets were given rides and stick time in Bu 131s. One cadet told of his pilot flying to a small town near the base where the pilot's girlfriend worked in the bank, the tallest building in town (four floors), and flying down the street at window level. Another cadet with another pilot told of seeing a train, and the pilot flying down alongside the engine and with circular motion hand signs, challenged the engineer to race. The fireman was seen frantically shoveling coal into the boiler and as the train just began to pull ahead the pilot pulled hard up to almost 60 degrees. Tunnel! At Torrejon, their escort assigned to them was a Spanish AF Captain, in a body cast from just under his shoulders to just below his knees using crutches, who was chosen (he said) because he was the only officer who spoke English. I personally doubt he was only officer English speaker on base but the cadets said they found no one else while they were there. When finally asked about his injuries, he told them he flew into a fence post in his Mustang.


I love this stuff.


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## special ed (Jun 28, 2022)

OK, a few more which should not result in prosecution: 
After the cadets' two week trip was over, the USAF ? could not pick up the guys. It was decided by those above the locals' paygrade that the Spanish AF would fly the cadets to France to be picked up. There they were sent to Germany for the flight home, but that didn't happen so they were flown to the UK where they caught USAF ride to the US. All told, their 2 week exchange became more than 4 weeks.
The flights to France were on Ju 52s. The first had passenger seats just like the streetcars and busses at home with grab handles at the top outer corners. Once the seats were filled people continued onboard sitting on the floor or standing holding strap handles hanging down as on streetcars. The second Ju 52 on the relay had only one bench buss seat for two people while the remaining cadets and excess passengers sat crosslegged on the floor, some bringing with them chickens. This flight lost and engine over the mountains but flew on even slower. 
While in Spain, one cadet who had logged flight time in the US before the trip was given sailplane instruction and soloed in a sailplane. Most of this stuff would have terrified parents here is they had known. Most likely USAF people as well. This was a different time from now. Many of my fellow male CAP cadets won service academy appointments and all served (the draft, you know) in the various branches, including some of the female cadets. Outstanding careers, F-101, F-4, AT-37 plus airlines. Enough for now

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## GTX (Jun 28, 2022)

15,000 dead after longest Russian drill weekend ever


Thought it was only one weekend a month.




www.duffelblog.com

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## GTX (Jun 28, 2022)

Russia suffers mass desertion of 2nd lieutenants after Ukrainians remove all road signs


We got 'em on the run now.




www.duffelblog.com

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## Gnomey (Jun 28, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Jun 29, 2022)

A guy I worked with had been a F-102 mechanic with a unit stationed in Spain. Their 102's were the usual light gray with black markings, but were getting worn. They were told they would have to fly their airplanes to Germany to get them repainted. They found a local company in Spain that would do the job at a good price and were told that was acceptable. The quality of the work turned out to be excellent but when done the airplanes were baby blue rather that gray and the markings were dark blue rather than black. They joked that the markings should have been pink! They thought the fighters were quite attractive but USAFE HQ nonconcurred and told them to fly their airplanes to Germany to be repainted. I guess this was the first Air Superiority Blue paint job, a few decades ahead of schedule.

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## MIflyer (Jun 30, 2022)

A WWII USAAF Fighter leader said, "A 2d Lt with a map is the most dangerous thing in the world."

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## Marcel (Jun 30, 2022)

An IT joke:

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. 

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. 

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." 

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." 

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. 

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?" 

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

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## Wurger (Jun 30, 2022)

And that's what we call the hardware/software support.


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## Gnomey (Jun 30, 2022)




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## special ed (Jun 30, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jun 30, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> A WWII USAAF Fighter leader said, "A 2d Lt with a map is the most dangerous thing in the world."


You know you are in trouble when the 2LT starts with "In my experience..."

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## MIflyer (Jun 30, 2022)

One day the Hotline rings in Hell. It's God talking to Satan. "Listen, I am missing an engineer! You don't happen to know where he is, do you?"

Satan laughs. "He's here! And it's great! Now we got escalators and elevators, air conditioning, hot and cold running water, TV, radio, stereos, and refrigeration. In fact, I am drinking an iced tea right now and watching the World Series!" 

God says, "That's unacceptable! Send him up here! All engineers go to Heaven!"

"No way!" replies Satan, "I'm keeping him!"

God says, "I'll sue!"

Satan laughs. "Sue? How are you going to do that, Mr. Almighty? I may have only one engineer but I got ALL the lawyers."

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## special ed (Jun 30, 2022)

An elderly man on a Moped pulls up next to a doctor at a streetlight.
The old man looks over the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
"A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars."
"That's a lot of money. Why does it cost so much?"
"Because it can go up to 320 miles per hour!" 
The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look at the inside?"
"No problem"
The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, back on his Moped says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Moped."
Then, as the light changes, the doctor decides to show what his car can do. He floors it and in seconds he is doing 160.
He then notices a dot in his mirror getting closer.
He slows slightly to see what it is.
Something whips by going much faster.
"What could be going faster than my Ferrari?" he thinks.
He presses harder on the accelerator, and soon is running at 250 MPH.
Up ahead of him he sees the old man on the Moped. 
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he accelerated more. Soon he passes the Moped at 275MPH.
He feels satisfied until he sees in his mirror the old man gaining again.
Astounded, he puts the pedal to the floor and soon is at max of 320MPH.
Less than ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again.
Suddenly, the Moped smashes into the rear of the Ferrari. 
The doctor jumps out and finds the old man alive. He says, "I'm a doctor. Is there anything I can do?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

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## special ed (Jun 30, 2022)

The definition of an ethical dilemma:

A man goes to see a lawyer and after about an hour, a decision is reached. 
The man says, " How much do I owe you?"
"A hundred dollars should cover it."
The man left and as the lawyer walked to the file cabinet to put the money in petty cash, he discovers the man must have just come from the bank as there are two new 100 dollar bills stuck together.
And now the lawyer has an ethical dilemma.
Should he tell his partner?

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## MIflyer (Jun 30, 2022)

A lawyer wakes up in Heaven (unlikely, I know). He sees an angel and asks her what happened. She replied that his time on Earth was up and he had lived a very long life..

Bewildered, he shakes his head and says, "How could that be? I was only 35 years old and was in perfect health."

The angel replied, "Well, we checked your billable hours and figured you had to be at least 95."

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## Greg Boeser (Jun 30, 2022)

Today on the drive home we saw a U-Haul truck broke down on the side of the road.
My daughter said: "You ain't haulin' if you're stallin'!"

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## ThomasP (Jul 1, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 1, 2022)




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## GTX (Jul 1, 2022)

An oldie but still classic: Pentagon Scraps 'Lightsaber' Weapons Program After Gross Misconduct, Numerous Injuries

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## Lucky13 (Jul 1, 2022)

No we're _not, _needs to be rum....😳😲🙄😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 2, 2022)

Or, put another way:

I don't know how someone in 1946 predicted my typical Sunday afternoon so accurately.

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## Wurger (Jul 2, 2022)




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## Ralph Haus (Jul 2, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 2, 2022)




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## Glider (Jul 2, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 675885


For obvious reasons I feel that you should be banned from the forum, and sent to the darkest corner of the web to rot forever.

See the Thomas Crown Affair

I now retire in a huff for a sulk

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## GTX (Jul 2, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 2, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jul 2, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 2, 2022)




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## GTX (Jul 3, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 3, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jul 3, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 673417


You can ask Iraqi Navy about HER! If you can swim underwater and speak Arabic, of course!

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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jul 3, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 675990


I can say the same for Persian songs! Unfortunately!!!

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## Ralph Haus (Jul 3, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 675989


I would have guessed this is Don's stash. Nope, to, ummm. organized. And a bit to small.

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## MIflyer (Jul 3, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 3, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 3, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 4, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 4, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jul 4, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 676115


The leader is on his spaceship, wondering the other realms!!!

I'm sure you got it!

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 4, 2022)

Seen at a local gas station today:





I'm so glad it's the 4th of July!



http://www.holidaystationstores.com/

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## MIflyer (Jul 4, 2022)

I've seen a similar sign but the subject was children.

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## MiTasol (Jul 4, 2022)

What
Unauthourised children will be towed?

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 4, 2022)

Our local coffee shop has a sign: 
Unattended children will be given a double shot of esspresso, and a sharp knife.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 5, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 5, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jul 5, 2022)

Summer in EU vs. Iran!!!






No, I don't like Metals! I love Seashells and Gemstones.






One of Positive points of German Language is that you tell less and listen more!

You want to tell something, trying to translate it from German, you leave it!!!






If I ever marry!






IDK what hardship he is bearing, but I understand him.

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## SaparotRob (Jul 5, 2022)

I'm with you on that.

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## GTX (Jul 5, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 5, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jul 5, 2022)

That's not accepted! There is no parking for my flying carpet!!!

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 5, 2022)

You are supposed to just roll it up and tuck it under your arm.

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## Wurger (Jul 5, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> That's not accepted! There is no parking for my flying carpet!!!



Always you may roll it up and take it home.

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## special ed (Jul 5, 2022)



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## Ralph Haus (Jul 5, 2022)

A Texas congressman once said about the land in west Texas, "so flat that your dog can run away, and you'll still see him a week later".

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## special ed (Jul 5, 2022)

There is a local joke which can be adapted to most any area.

A young man in New Orleans went to the doctor because he wasn't feeling well.
He was told, after considerable tests, that he had only about a year to live. At most, a year and a half.
Distraught, he asked the doctor what he should do as he was just 31 years old, never married, with no children to leave behind.
The doctor said, "Marry a girl from Chalmette. It will seem like a lifetime."

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## at6 (Jul 5, 2022)

Never answer a question before you hear it. I did and now she owns half of everything and will end up with all of it in a divorce.

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## ThomasP (Jul 6, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 6, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Unauthourised children will be towed?


YES!

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## Gnomey (Jul 6, 2022)




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## Frog (Jul 7, 2022)

*Then :*

**

*And now :*

**

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## GTX (Jul 7, 2022)

Dumbo has a challenger:















Long-eared goat takes Pakistan by storm, bids for Guinness World Records fame


A kid goat with extraordinarily long ears has become something of a media star in Pakistan, with its owner claiming a world record that may or may not exist.




www.abc.net.au

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## GTX (Jul 7, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jul 7, 2022)

GTX said:


> Dumbo has a challenger:
> 
> View attachment 676651
> 
> ...


I once caught a fish THIS BIG!

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## Gnomey (Jul 7, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jul 7, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 676652



I think I've shared this one before, but it bears repeating...

During the COVID pandemic, I was banned from the Flat Earth Society's Facebook group for asking whether social distancing was pushing people over the edge.

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## special ed (Jul 7, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 8, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 8, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Jul 8, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 676887



Nah...that's fake news. "In the field" means Travelodge/Motel 6 for the RAF....ask me how I know!

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## Gnomey (Jul 8, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Jul 8, 2022)

There's a new 'Challenge' going around; where one holds a Basketball in one hand, and then places an open Bottle/Can of Beer on-top of the Ball. Then, you drop the Basketball, and try to catch the Beer as it bounces back-up; . . . then of course... you Chug-it.

The enclosed short Clip explains it better.


What could possibly go wrong?

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## Lucky13 (Jul 8, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 9, 2022)

'Cause I'm the meanest rooster in the valley..."

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## ThomasP (Jul 9, 2022)

From a sign above an automobile service garage (manned by motorheads all):

Contrary to popular belief -
given enough horsepower -
pigs can fly quite well.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 9, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2022)

Try not to be....like some people! 😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 9, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 9, 2022)




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## GTX (Jul 9, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 676967


In a similar theme...kind of...:

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## GTX (Jul 9, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 9, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 9, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jul 9, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Motel 6 for the RAF....ask me how I know!


India? Or Echo?

That's the Question!!! 🤔

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## Gnomey (Jul 9, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Jul 10, 2022)

That works both ways. My wife is banned from choosing green.
Here's the story. 
Our bathroom needed freshening up. My wife picked a color called fern green. The chip suggested a nice mellow yellow-green shade. Since it's for the bathroom, she went with a semigloss. To minimize marital discord, I waited until she took the kids to dance camp for the weekend. Then I got started. I popped the lid off the can. A glowing shade of kryptonite green greeted me. 
"Whoa!" I thought. Well, maybe once it's on the wall it won't be so intense. Nope. With just a few strokes of the roller the entire room was being transformed into a hideous green hell. The color overpowered everything, the fixtures, the tile, everything. Even the hallway took on a sickly yellow tinge. 
"Well, she picked it out, so she can't complain." I finished the whole room. 
I couldn't wait to see her reaction when she returned.
Sunday came and she pulled in with the van.
"I finished the bathroom! Come and see!"
I followed her up the stairs, wondering how she would react.
At the top of the stairs, she opened the bathroom door, and froze. Her whole body tensed up. 
"Honey?" she said without turning, "I really appreciate the hard work, but...
We can't leave it like that."
She got to repaint the bathroom.

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## GTX (Jul 10, 2022)

Of all the things to run out of in Russia...potatoes??

Russia's 'new McDonald's' runs out of chips

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## MIflyer (Jul 10, 2022)

Fair?

You obviously do not realize how women care about their shoes versus how men care about their shirts. Unless it is a special airplane shirt or something, men hardly consider shirts to be more deserving of care than a paper towel; indeed the two items are almost used interchangably.

In contrast, many women hold their shoes in such high regard that they refuse to wear them at all.

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## Glider (Jul 10, 2022)

GTX said:


> Of all the things to run out of in Russia...potatoes??
> 
> Russia's 'new McDonald's' runs out of chips


I suspect the powers that be saw 'Chips', thought computer chips, and sent them to the tank factories to repair some T72's that needed some TLC

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## MIflyer (Jul 10, 2022)

Large Assault Rifle? Some idiots don't even recognize a rocket launcher when they see one!

My brother has one of those mounted on his Jeep. For some reason he has it pointed at the sky.

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## ARTESH (Jul 10, 2022)

GTX said:


> Of all the things to run out of in Russia...potatoes??
> 
> Russia's 'new McDonald's' runs out of chips


Yes, because they use potato instead of practice grenades to train recruits.

Refers to one of old Call of duty series ... Which one, I can't remember right now.

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## MIflyer (Jul 10, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Nah...that's fake news. "In the field" means Travelodge/Motel 6 for the RAF....ask me how I know!



I read of a USAAF crew that flew into Morocco at a base that was frantically being constructed. They were told, "We are hard pressed right now, and can provide you a place to sleep but you'll have to make your own beds." They replied that was no problem.

They were handed a bunch of boards and a saw.

I guess that is where that old joke comes from.

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## Gnomey (Jul 10, 2022)




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## special ed (Jul 10, 2022)



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## Frog (Jul 11, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> Yes, because they use potato instead of practice grenades to train recruits.
> 
> Refers to one of old Call of duty series ... Which one, I can't remember right now.



Germans used M 1924 potalo mashers as grenades...

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## Wurger (Jul 11, 2022)

True ..


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## Lucky13 (Jul 11, 2022)



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## Glider (Jul 11, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> I read of a USAAF crew that flew into Morocco at a base that was frantically being constructed. They were told, "We are hard pressed right now, and can provide you a place to sleep but you'll have to make your own beds." They replied that was no problem.
> 
> They were handed a bunch of boards and a saw.
> 
> I guess that is where that old joke comes from.


RAF Hibblestow was a fighter base but had the runways for a bomber base. In late 1944 a squadron of B17's were diverted here due to unexpected weather. They were able to find somewhere for the crews to sleep, but ran out of cutlery. An appeal was sent around the village and they scraped enough to cover the requirement

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 11, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Jul 11, 2022)

What's the difference between the US and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

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## SaparotRob (Jul 11, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> What's the difference between the US and yogurt?
> 
> If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.


OUCH

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## buffnut453 (Jul 11, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> OUCH



Chris started it!

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## SaparotRob (Jul 11, 2022)

That *was *a good one, though.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 11, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Chris started it!



Yeah, but there is some truth to yours.

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 11, 2022)

Why create a new one when we can just appropriate whatever we want?
(Back in the day, it was called diffusion. Cultural developments spread from their source to the far reaches of the world.
And it was a good thing.)

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## vikingBerserker (Jul 11, 2022)

I have to admit, I laughed.

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## special ed (Jul 11, 2022)

In reality, the U.S. culture is a blend. The geographical names come mostly from native americans, while the immigrants brought their uniquely own, whether voluntarily or by force.


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## GTX (Jul 11, 2022)



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## Frog (Jul 11, 2022)

Be indulgent with bacteria, for some it's the only form of culture.

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## GTX (Jul 11, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 11, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jul 11, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 11, 2022)



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## at6 (Jul 11, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Large Assault Rifle? Some idiots don't even recognize a rocket launcher when they see one!
> 
> My brother has one of those mounted on his Jeep. For some reason he has it pointed at the sky.
> 
> View attachment 677115


Haven't seen one of those in years.


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## special ed (Jul 11, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 12, 2022)

Ever hear about the guy who took his motorcycle around back of his home and started working on it in front of the den's sliding glass doors so he could watch TV? His wife heard a crash and found him bleeding on the floor in the den, next to the motorcycle, the glass doors broken. She called 911 and an ambulance arrived and took him to the ER. At the ER they stitched up and bandaged his wounds. He caught a taxi home and found his wife had cleaned up the broken glass and the rest of the mess. He pushed motorcycle back outside and then decided to visit the toilet and figure out what it was going to take to fix the damage. 

His wife heard an explosion and found him on the floor in the den again, with fire damage to his nether regions. She had used toilet paper to wipe up the spilled gasoline and thrown it in the toilet. And when he sat there on the toilet and then threw his cigarette butt between his legs into the toilet he got ignition followed by liftoff. His wife called 911 again.

The same ambulance crew arrived and asked him what was going on. He explained to them what had occurred. They laughed so hard they dropped the stretcher while going down the steep stairs to the street; he broke his arm.

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## SaparotRob (Jul 12, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Ever hear about the guy who took his motorcycle around back of his home and started working on it in front of the den's sliding glass doors so he could watch TV? His wife heard a crash and found him bleeding on the floor in the den, next to the motorcycle, the glass doors broken. She called 911 and an ambulance arrived and took him to the ER. At the ER they stitched up and bandaged his wounds. He caught a taxi home and found his wife had cleaned up the broken glass and the rest of the mess. He pushed motorcycle back outside and then decided to visit the toilet and figure out what it was going to take to fix the damage.
> 
> His wife heard an explosion and found him on the floor in the den again, with fire damage to his nether regions. She had used toilet paper to wipe up the spilled gasoline and thrown it in the toilet. And when he sat there on the toilet and then threw his cigarette butt between his legs into the toilet he got ignition followed by liftoff. His wife called 911 again.
> 
> The same ambulance crew arrived and asked him what was going on. He explained to them what had occurred. They laughed so hard they dropped the stretcher while going down the steep stairs to the street; he broke his arm.


So how's Lucky doing?

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## Gnomey (Jul 12, 2022)




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## special ed (Jul 12, 2022)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, so they don't have to mow the grass anymore. They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising on their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night--early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

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## buffnut453 (Jul 12, 2022)

I'm getting closer to retardment with every passing second...although some would probably say I've been there for years.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 12, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 13, 2022)



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## Frog (Jul 13, 2022)

A bunch of perverts, hanging around at a square, trying to kill time.

- The zoophile : we could abduct a cat.

- The sadistic : we could abduct a cat and molest it.

- The rapist : we could abduct a cat, molest an abuse it.

- The murderer : we could abduct a cat, molest, abuse and kill it.

- The arsonist : we couls abduct a cat, molest, abuse, kill and burn it.

- The masochist : meow !

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## ARTESH (Jul 13, 2022)

Which one of us is more beautiful?

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## NVSMITH (Jul 13, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 13, 2022)




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## special ed (Jul 13, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Jul 14, 2022)

Top Gun!!!

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## Gnomey (Jul 14, 2022)




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## special ed (Jul 14, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Jul 15, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jul 15, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> View attachment 677675


Words to live by.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 15, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 15, 2022)




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## special ed (Jul 15, 2022)

They both appear to be women.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 15, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 15, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 15, 2022)

I was going to post the cat invading Poland meme to FB, but since I am already in the dog house there I figured it would get me banned. 

I am on restriction because I posted this like 5 years ago at Thanksgiving after inviting like a dozen friends over for dinner. They said I was glorifying serial killers.

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 15, 2022)

And somehow you got moderator priviliges here. _Somebody _really botched your background check.

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## buffnut453 (Jul 15, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> And somehow you got moderator priviliges here. _Somebody _really botched your background check.



Or...ultimate power ultimately corrupts. Are we seeing this happening in real time?

Just wondering if I'm going to be banned now....maybe this post wasn't the brightest idea.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 15, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Or...ultimate power ultimately corrupts. Are we seeing this happening in real time?
> 
> Just wondering if I'm going to be banned now....maybe this post wasn't the brightest idea.

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 15, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Jul 15, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 677829



So long as it's honorific.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 15, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> So long as it's honorific.

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## special ed (Jul 15, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 15, 2022)

This was supposed to be in place of one of the "nothings".

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## Gnomey (Jul 15, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Jul 15, 2022)

Yup!

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## pgeno71 (Jul 15, 2022)

Hitler cat reminded me of the Hitler tea kettle that was recalled a few years back.






I may have heard from anonymous sources it is Putin's favorite kitchen appliance.

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## ARTESH (Jul 16, 2022)

The Mullahs disagreement with ...

From above:

Electricity
Bicycle
Train
ID Cards
School
Tap Water
Law of Uniformization [changing old / traditional clothing style with more modern and update ones]
Women can vote
Telegraph
Vaccine

To add:

Sugar
Bank
Fire Arms
Artillery
Plane
Tourism
Etc...

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## Lucky13 (Jul 16, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 16, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 16, 2022)

I know....😉

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## special ed (Jul 16, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 16, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Jul 16, 2022)




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## special ed (Jul 16, 2022)



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## at6 (Jul 16, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I was going to post the cat invading Poland meme to FB, but since I am already in the dog house there I figured it would get me banned.
> 
> I am on restriction because I posted this like 5 years ago at Thanksgiving after inviting like a dozen friends over for dinner. They said I was glorifying serial killers.
> 
> View attachment 677785





Greg Boeser said:


> And somehow you got moderator priviliges here. _Somebody _really botched your background check.


Anyone objecting was invited for dinner?


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 16, 2022)

at6 said:


> Anyone objecting was invited for dinner?



I served them liver with fava beans, and paired with a nice chianti.

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## GTX (Jul 17, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 17, 2022)




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## at6 (Jul 17, 2022)

Putin might be in trouble if we can convince the Chinese that Orc tastes better than pork.

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## MiTasol (Jul 17, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Jul 17, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 18, 2022)

A grandson to his grandfather ...

- Grandpa, could you tell a story from the war ? He asked.
- Well ... in 1942 the Germans burst into our village. They divided all the men into two groups. And their commander said "Shoot these on the left and rape those on the right".
- Grandpa, what did they do to you?
- They shot me.

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## MIflyer (Jul 18, 2022)

From Avweb:

"It was not the normal alcohol-related highway crash near Kansas City on Friday night, but the results for the student pilot of a Piper Cherokee could be the same. John T. Seesing, 35, was arrested after a short stay in a local hospital after he put the Cherokee down on Interstate 70 about 22 miles from KC. He was headed for the downtown airport but ran out of gas. The plane was damaged and Seesing needed patching up before being booked into cells charged with driving while intoxicated, careless and imprudent driving involving a crash, felony drug and gun possession, and possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia."

"As remarkable as all that is, the journey that preceded is also noteworthy. Seesing, who has only a student certificate, took the aircraft all the way to Florida, making multiple stops along the way there and back. It all ended when the tanks went dry near Grain Valley, Missouri. When the plane flew over truck driver Crystal Lipham's big rig about 2:45 a.m., she used the truck to block the highway while Seesing set down. She said she got out of the truck and opened the plane and immediately smelled alcohol. The plane is registered to Warrior Aviation, of Prairie Village, Missouri, and Seesing is also from that town."

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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)

Finally found them:
Remember, the people who write these headlines waisted their daddy's money for four years and exist among us.
And now, for today's news

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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)

Some adjustments will be made before the noon news.

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## ARTESH (Jul 18, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)

And now for the noon news:

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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 18, 2022)

This last one is not a news item, but something saved from a letter to the editor of a model magazine. As a quote, not a joke, it may be of interest to the aviation minded.

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## GTX (Jul 18, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jul 18, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 678205


Keep um comming. I finished my coffee so im safe.

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 18, 2022)

Wait a little longer. I sent a few to my son. He is getting a mop as i am typing this.

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 18, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Wait a little longer. I sent a few to my son. He is getting a mop as i am typing this. After diner coffee time isnt a time to share it seems.


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## MIflyer (Jul 18, 2022)

Another headline I recall seeing:

"Hurricane Turns Out To Be Mainly Wind, Rain"

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## Gnomey (Jul 18, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jul 19, 2022)

When the girls Insist, no one nor anything is able to stop them.

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## ARTESH (Jul 19, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Another headline I recall seeing:
> 
> "Hurricane Turns Out To Be Mainly Wind, Rain"


Really???

I though they were made of Steel, Aluminium, Cloth, Fabric, Electric wires and ...

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## MiTasol (Jul 19, 2022)

... straw that punches holes in utility poles

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## MIflyer (Jul 19, 2022)

"New Sick Policy Requires 2 Day Notice."

I was told that at one point OK City ALC established a policy that civilian employees could not take just one day of sick leave because it was impossible to be sick for only one day. A friend of mine was given a written reprimand for only taking one day of sick leave. He responded:
1. "Did you ask me how I felt the day before I took the sick leave?"
2. "What about sick leave taken on a Monday or a Friday? I could have been sick the whole weekend."

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## special ed (Jul 19, 2022)

Our company had a written policy that vacation days should be taken all together for maximum benefit. My last manager, before I retired, liked to have a vacation roster for the year. There was always some urgent need to cancel/change vacations regardless of reservations with penalty for cancellation. At one meeting where this was brought up, I commented I would rather have one day per week to give a 4 day work week and a three day weekend. The boss said, "That would be acceptable." My last two years worked well like that as I had 4 weeks per year and was single. Their only gripe then was, "He's always off on Monday or Friday."

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 19, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> "New Sick Policy Requires 2 Day Notice."
> 
> I was told that at one point OK City ALC established a policy that civilian employees could not take just one day of sick leave because it was impossible to be sick for only one day. A friend of mine was given a written reprimand for only taking one day of sick leave. He responded:
> 1. "Did you ask me how I felt the day before I took the sick leave?"
> 2. "What about sick leave taken on a Monday or a Friday? I could have been sick the whole weekend."



Wow…

I really cannot complain about my employer.

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## SaparotRob (Jul 19, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I really cannot complain about my employer.


Sure you can. You're just not trying hard enough.

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 19, 2022)

Aint that the truth.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 19, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Sure you can. You're just not trying hard enough.



Ok, I’ll try harder.

In all honesty, though, they treat me well. They treat me like an actual human being. They treat me very un-American like. You know, allowing me to have a positive work-life balance. It’s pretty odd actually now that I think about it.

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## special ed (Jul 19, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 19, 2022)



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## special ed (Jul 19, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Jul 19, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 678434


Wile E. Coyote goes motocross.

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## at6 (Jul 19, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 678434


Self neutering.

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## WARSPITER (Jul 20, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 678434


Damnit!! This new seaplane beach landing system still has problems!

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## MIflyer (Jul 20, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> I really cannot complain about my employer.


Note that OK City ALC is The FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. You know, those people who some poor fools think are so compassionate that they will solve all their personal problems.

While I was there, during an especially hard winter, 1977-78, they were posting notices in the Daily Bulletin reminding everyone that ONLY flight line personnel were authorized to wear parkas and that if you had a parka issued to you from another assignment you could not wear it. No senior officer was thinking, "These ice and snow storms are coming so quickly that the old stuff does not even have time to melt. What can we do to help our people get through this?"

I did not give a damn what they said. I had a civilian parka and wore it. It was blue so the government civilians I worked with thought it was USAF issue.

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## Frog (Jul 20, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Note that OK City ALC is The FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. You know, those people who some poor fools think are so compassionate that they will solve all their personal problems.
> 
> While I was there, during an especially hard winter, 1977-78, they were posting notices in the Daily Bulletin reminding everyone that ONLY flight line personnel were authorized to wear parkas and that if you had a parka issued to you from another assignment you could not wear it. No senior officer was thinking, "These ice and snow storms are coming so quickly that the old stuff does not even have time to melt. What can we do to help our people get through this?"
> 
> I did not give a damn what they said. I had a civilian parka and wore it. It was blue so the government civilians I worked with thought it was USAF issue.



Very well informed people.
USAF N3B parkas are sage green.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 20, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Note that OK City ALC is The FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. You know, those people who some poor fools think are so compassionate that they will solve all their personal problems.
> 
> While I was there, during an especially hard winter, 1977-78, they were posting notices in the Daily Bulletin reminding everyone that ONLY flight line personnel were authorized to wear parkas and that if you had a parka issued to you from another assignment you could not wear it. No senior officer was thinking, "These ice and snow storms are coming so quickly that the old stuff does not even have time to melt. What can we do to help our people get through this?"
> 
> I did not give a damn what they said. I had a civilian parka and wore it. It was blue so the government civilians I worked with thought it was USAF issue.



Oh, I aware. I worked for the federal government for many years.


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## Lucky13 (Jul 20, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 20, 2022)

How many people drink tea in the DESERT?

When the paras seized Pegasus Bridge in the wee hours of 6 Jun 1944, they secured the area, seized a small German cannon mounted on the bridge and, delighted with their new toy, proceeded to shoot it at anything and anyone that looked suspicious. One of them decided to brew a pot of tea and a blast from that cannon dumped a whole bunch of dust and dirt right into it, greatly distressing the brewer.

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## buffnut453 (Jul 20, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> How many people drink tea in the DESERT?



Errr....anyone born in Britain, obviously!

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## Gnomey (Jul 20, 2022)




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## Frog (Jul 20, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Errr....anyone born in Britain, obviously!



Really ?
The first time I had Brits guests at home they elected for coffee...

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## vikingBerserker (Jul 20, 2022)

Maybe your tea was that bad.

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## buffnut453 (Jul 20, 2022)

Or maybe the "just didn't want to cause a fuss." The British are ever so polite, y'know!

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## Frog (Jul 21, 2022)

No Sir, I am not so bad at brewing tea.
And about polite British, during our shooting challenges in France or UK (before they forbid about anything), they were rather interested at learning french rude expressions.
By the way, the first time I went to Texas, everyone seemed to drink ice tea. I wondered why you threw away full boat loads of tea at Boston ?

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## vikingBerserker (Jul 21, 2022)

Iced tea of more of a Southern thing, but we're educating the rest of the country on the 3 kinds.

1 - Unsweetened Ice Tea (for non believers)
2 - Sweet Iced Tea (for normal folks)
3 - Southern Sweetened Ice Tea (for those wanting diabetes).

#3 is basically pure sugar with a very faint tea flavor

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## NVSMITH (Jul 21, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 21, 2022)

Frog said:


> Very well informed people.
> USAF N3B parkas are sage green.


My N3B parka is sage green nylon, as was the MA-1 flight jacket that was issued to me at one point, and the L-2B flight jacket which is a lighter weight MA-1. But before the L-2B was the L-2A, which was in use during the Korean War; I have a reproduction example of one and it is blue. I guess it is possible that in the 50's the USAF had blue parkas.

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## MIflyer (Jul 21, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Iced tea of more of a Southern thing, but we're educating the rest of the country on the 3 kinds.


When I was a child in SC we used to sweeten our ice tea with grape juice; I strongly recommend that approach.

A TX and OK approach is to put a slice of orange in the ice tea.

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## SaparotRob (Jul 21, 2022)

The things one learns here.

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## Gnomey (Jul 21, 2022)




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## at6 (Jul 21, 2022)

It sure beats public school.


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## MiTasol (Jul 21, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Iced tea of more of a Southern thing, but we're educating the rest of the country on the 3 kinds.
> 
> 1 - Unsweetened Ice Tea (for non believers)
> 2 - Sweet Iced Tea (for normal folks)
> ...



I got my diabetes from coconut creme pie at Flo's in Chino

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## vikingBerserker (Jul 22, 2022)

I love these types of stories:

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## GTX (Jul 22, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 22, 2022)

How I Got My Navy Callsign By Shitting Myself In An F/A-18 Fighter Jet. Twice. - The Autopian


So there I was…smack in the middle of the Arabian Gulf at the helm of an F/A-18 fighter jet thirty thousand feet overhead one of the most powerful warships in the world… and I had to shit. Bad. The day started just like any other onboard the aircraft carrier. I woke up at around 10, …




www.theautopian.com

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## buffnut453 (Jul 22, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> I love these types of stories:
> View attachment 678704



Frank Corti was also, formerly, a Royal Marines unarmed combat instructor.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 22, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 678718



Hmmm…

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## Gnomey (Jul 22, 2022)




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## at6 (Jul 22, 2022)

Putin died and went to Hell. When he got there the Devil was waiting for him and led him to three doors. Satan told him to choose one as that would be where he'd spend eternity. When the first door opened, they were standing up to their necks in sh*t. The second door opened and they were standing waist deep in sh*t. As soon as the third door opened Puting saw everyone standing knee deep in sh*t drinking coffee. Putin chose that room and as soon as the door closed the announcement came. 
"Coffee break is over, everyone back on your heads."

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## MIflyer (Jul 22, 2022)

I got a cup from Arbys the other day that is one of those little clear plastic ones like you used to see in vending machines. It reminded me of something that happened to my Mom back in the 60's.

My Mom and some other ladies she knew went to the movies and that theater had those drink machines where you put a dime in, a cup slides down a chute, ice is dumped into it, and it is then filled with cola concentrate and water. Only in this case the cup slid down, closely followed by a live rat, which was sprayed with ice, water and cola and fell, rather stunned, but kicking, to the floor. 

One of the other ladies said, "Look what you got for your dime!"

I do not know what the movie was but I'll bet it was not as entertaining as the drink machine.

In any case, I do not think that vending machines should be used to dispense pets.

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## MiTasol (Jul 22, 2022)

getting a politician for your dime is definitely a bad deal

Don't know why but it reminds me of two old Kiwi jokes from the 60s.

-----

The two things kiwis totally despise are racial prejudice and Poms (English people)

-----

A Poms car breaks down when crossing the Auckland harbour bridge and he gets out in a real temper and opens the boot/trunk and sees a large can of fuel. He grabs the fuel container and pours it over himself then lights a match.

A couple of guys who had been trapped way back in the resulting traffic jam wandered up to see what was happening and one says to another who had obviously seen what happened "what happened bro?"

The other tells him and adds "and we are going to do a whip around for his family".

The guy immediately replies with "great man - I'll pay for 25 litres"

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## FLYBOYJ (Jul 22, 2022)

FOLKS - PLEASE STOP THE GUN/ PRO-GUN/ ANTI-GUN POSTS!

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## Gnomey (Jul 23, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Jul 23, 2022)

Unless you are discussing an A-10 ??

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 24, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Unless you are discussing an A-10 ??


I believe the A-10 is quite pro. The recieving end of said A-10 might very well be convinced to be anti after a short while.

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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 24, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 24, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Jul 24, 2022)

Father Flanagan died after a long ministry. As he waits in line at the Pearly Gates, he notices the man in front of him is dressed in flip flops, cargo shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, hair slicked back, and mirror sunglasses perched on his nose. As they reach the front of the line, St. Peter asks the sunglass wearing guy, "So, what's your name and what did you do in life that would warrant you entering Heaven?" The man answered, "Jock Simpson, pilot with Aloha Airlines out of Hilo, Hawaii!" St. Peter exclaims, "Take this silk robe and golden staff, and go right in!" As the priest approaches St. Peter, he is asked the same question. "Father Patrick Flanagan, Pastor at Our Lady of Grace, Pasadena, California for 42 years." Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and go right in!" commands the saint. "Wait!" cries the priest. "I gave my whole life to the service of God and all I get is a cheap robe and staff?"
"Look, Padre," explained the saint. "Here we reward on merit. When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people _prayed!"_

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## Frog (Jul 25, 2022)

DISARMAMENT TREATY : document by which the signing partners agree to get rid of their obsolete armament.

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## MIflyer (Jul 25, 2022)

Frog said:


> DISARMAMENT TREATY : document by which the signing partners agree to get rid of their obsolete armament.


And which allows one side to stock up on Playboy magazines when they come to do the required inspections.

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## Gnomey (Jul 25, 2022)




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## Wurger (Jul 25, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Jul 25, 2022)

Dam, that is so not right!

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## Snautzer01 (Jul 25, 2022)

Attractive fart dispenser.

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## MIflyer (Jul 25, 2022)

I'd hate to think what the front of the shirt looks like.....

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## ThomasP (Jul 26, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 26, 2022)



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## GTX (Jul 26, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 26, 2022)




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## Wurger (Jul 26, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Jul 27, 2022)



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## Wurger (Jul 27, 2022)




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## Crimea_River (Jul 27, 2022)

Let's see you right hand Vlad.....

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## Gnomey (Jul 27, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jul 28, 2022)



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## NVSMITH (Jul 28, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Jul 28, 2022)




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## Wurger (Jul 28, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jul 29, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> How many people drink tea in the DESERT?


That's completely normal thing here, in Iran.

We drink the, even more than Russians drink vodka.

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## ARTESH (Jul 29, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Errr....anyone born in Britain, obviously!


And Iranians.

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## ARTESH (Jul 29, 2022)

The best gift from a man to his wife is not "gold", but "attention" and that's it!

But if a good man pays attention to her, He'll realize that she wants "gold" and that's it.

stop laughing & Pay attention.

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## MIflyer (Jul 29, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 29, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 29, 2022)

Here is a little innovation I came up with that some of y'all might find useful.

There was a shortage of calendars at the beginning of the year. I use a large airplane calendar to write notes on. I had a very nice airplane calendar from a few years back that I had saved because of the great artwork.

So I went to Dollar Tree and bought a desk blotter calendar for $1.25, tore out the pages, and stapled them to the airplane calendar. They fit perfectly. Now that is recycling!

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## Gnomey (Jul 29, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Jul 29, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 29, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 30, 2022)

I've never really trusted helicopters. Especially Russian ones.


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## Lucky13 (Jul 30, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Jul 30, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Jul 30, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 679667


Bottum line: dont eat taco when drinking

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## ARTESH (Jul 30, 2022)

#17897 , So Damn F**king True!!!


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## Gnomey (Jul 30, 2022)




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## GTX (Jul 31, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Jul 31, 2022)

Good stick and rudder man, but he doesn't seem to know how to use the radio.

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## Wurger (Jul 31, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Jul 31, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> *Good stick and rudder man, but he doesn't seem to know how to use the radio.*
> View attachment 679973


Radio? What is this? Never heard of it!!!

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## Greg Boeser (Jul 31, 2022)

Get Sirius!

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## Shortround6 (Jul 31, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Good stick and rudder man, but he doesn't seem to know how to use the radio.
> 
> View attachment 679973


This is NOT a substitute for a radio in this situtation

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## MiTasol (Jul 31, 2022)

No this is not a joke - a woman sacked because she did not use emojis in an email.








Queensland cafe worker unfairly dismissed for not using 'smiley emojis' in text message


The Fair Work Commission found the cafe supervisor was "merely trying to express a view" when she sent a text message to her general manager about rostering, and that her dismissal was unreasonable.




www.sbs.com.au


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## MIflyer (Jul 31, 2022)

I still recall what I think was the funniest cartoon I ever saw in Mad Magazine. It was part of a feature on the Mercury manned space flights. The cartoon showed looking down from a great height onto a tall, hastily constructed tower. On top of the tower was a group of people holding a sign up to the heavens, "Your Door Is Open!"

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## MIflyer (Jul 31, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> This is NOT a substitute for a radio in this situtation


Several years ago I did have a friend circle low over my house in his 1929 WACO biplane, throttle back, yell, and shout my name. I was surprised that I could hear him quite clearly. It was like that scene in "The Spirit of St. Louis."

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 1, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 1, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 1, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Aug 1, 2022)

Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon doughnuts?

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## MIflyer (Aug 1, 2022)

*Sorry, but this is just too good not to share.*

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## SaparotRob (Aug 1, 2022)

Good dog!

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## MiTasol (Aug 2, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 680081



Should have been jam mixed with lots of epsom salts 
or finely minced halapenos

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## special ed (Aug 2, 2022)

Talking with a woman the other night, I told her I finally started carpooling to work. She said she was afraid to carpool.
When I asked why, she very convincingly said, "I'm afraid the car will get trapped in a tunnel and with all those people inside I won't be able to get out".
I said, "That's a very specific fear. Is there a name for it?"
"Yes, it's called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

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## SaparotRob (Aug 2, 2022)

Did not see that coming.


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## vikingBerserker (Aug 2, 2022)

I didn't either, worse yet I laughed!

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## cammerjeff (Aug 2, 2022)

Me Too, then I told to coworkers, and they are not talking to me anymore! Success!

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## ARTESH (Aug 2, 2022)

Never heard about this "carpool" word before!!!

Added to tons of things I learnt from WW2ACdotNet!!!

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## ARTESH (Aug 2, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 679972


He's a fake one, you know! He doesn't have eye patch nor BEARDS.

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## Gnomey (Aug 2, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Aug 4, 2022)

Someone may have done this one already - if so apologies

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 4, 2022)

My wife would chair the department.

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 5, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Aug 5, 2022)

Must be Greg B

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## special ed (Aug 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 5, 2022)

A Quote - not a joke

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## GTX (Aug 5, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 5, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 5, 2022)

Now that's the way to do it: Retired couple on Australia's longest pub crawl say old country hotels are best

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## GTX (Aug 5, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 5, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 5, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 5, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Aug 6, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Aug 6, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Aug 6, 2022)




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## GTX (Aug 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 6, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 6, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Aug 7, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Aug 7, 2022)

I hate parallel parking.

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## cammerjeff (Aug 7, 2022)

I remember hearing about that day, Glad I didn't have to fill out the paper work! This was at the main base in MSP. I had a couple of close calls Taxing & Running up A/C. The worst I ever had was a Deer that was scarred by an early morning landing run into the nose gear of a DC-9 I was running up at the pad. I wasn't moving at the time and was at Part Power doing a Engine trim.

But I saw my share of bent metal achieved by both Flight and Ground crews.


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## Wurger (Aug 7, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> I hate parallel parking.
> 
> View attachment 680977




Well .. he didn't see pulling out ...

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## Gnomey (Aug 7, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> I hate parallel parking.
> 
> View attachment 680977


A billion dollars accident!!!


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## MIflyer (Aug 8, 2022)

A commercial on TV led me to recall an incident from the 1960's.

A friend of our family sponsored a young lady from overseas; I do not recall which country, but it was not an English speaking one. She was to be not just an immigrant but part of their family, to help with the household chores and so forth. One day the lady of the house comes home to find the young immigrant lady sitting in the kitchen among stacks of boxes of a diet cola soft drink. And she was drinking one bottle after another.

"What's going on?" the lady of the house asked, astonished.

The young immigrant lady responded, "I saw this on television. This stuff makes you beautiful."

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 8, 2022)

Did it work?
I remember in the Army, we would drink bottle after bottle of a particular beverage to make women more beautiful. It had some surprising results. But the effects weren't permanent.

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## MIflyer (Aug 8, 2022)

There was a period of time in the 1990's when the International Space Station was virtually cut off. The Space Shuttle had suffered a problem with wiring caused an engine failure during ascent and the Russians had problems with things like keeping the electricity on at the Baikonur Cosmodrome (they even had to check out a Mars probe using kerosene lanterns; it failed).

So an American female astronaut and two Russians had to stay on the ISS much longer than had been planned.

An astonishing discovery resulted. The American was a pretty average looking lady but both the two Russians on the ISS and her husband on the ground swore that her time in orbit led her to developing a remarkable resemblance to Marilyn Monroe.

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## WARSPITER (Aug 8, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Did it work?
> I remember in the Army, we would drink bottle after bottle of a particular beverage to make women more beautiful. It had some surprising results. But the effects weren't permanent.


Alcohol, helping ugly people to have sex for over two thousand years.

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## syscom3 (Aug 8, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Aug 8, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Alcohol, helping ugly people to have sex for over two thousand years.


And that's only as far back as any one can remember...........

Drunks generally don't keep good notes.


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## Lucky13 (Aug 8, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Aug 8, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 681079


Probably explodes when listening to Grateful Dead, then.

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## SaparotRob (Aug 8, 2022)

JERRY!!


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## special ed (Aug 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 8, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Aug 8, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 681091


I'm sure that's not F.


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## SaparotRob (Aug 8, 2022)

The worse they are, the more I like them.


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## Gnomey (Aug 8, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Aug 8, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Probably explodes when listening to Grateful Dead, then.


I hope forum rules preclude a picture of it after listening to the Sex Pistols.

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 9, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> I hope forum rules preclude a picture of it after listening to the Sex Pistols.


Found one.

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## ARTESH (Aug 9, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 681084


Last line remembered me this Joke about Persian Language:

Farsi language is very interesting:

Silence is a sign of satisfaction; The answer to idiots is silence and The last bastion is silence, However, silence is full of unsaid.
See for yourself!

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## ARTESH (Aug 9, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 681079


TBH, only listening to a song, could not cause this!!!


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## WARSPITER (Aug 9, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> TBH, only listening to a song, could not cause this!!!


It depends where your headspace is at the time man.


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## GTX (Aug 9, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> The worse they are, the more I like them.


Don't encourage him!!

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## Airframes (Aug 9, 2022)

A horse has just moved in next door. not a bad chap, but he talks endlessly, on and on. I think he's a neigh bore.
Yep, got me coat ..............

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## special ed (Aug 9, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 9, 2022)




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## Wurger (Aug 10, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 10, 2022)

"𝓞𝓷𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓘 𝓼𝓱𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮 𝓫𝓪𝓬𝓴. 𝓨𝓮𝓼, 𝓘 𝓼𝓱𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮 𝓫𝓪𝓬𝓴. 𝓤𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓵 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓷, 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓶𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓫𝓮 𝓷𝓸 𝓻𝓮𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓽𝓼, 𝓷𝓸 𝓽𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓼, 𝓷𝓸 𝓪𝓷𝔁𝓲𝓮𝓽𝓲𝓮𝓼. 𝓙𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓰𝓸 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓭 𝓲𝓷 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓫𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓮𝓯𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘 𝓪𝓶 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓴𝓮𝓷 𝓲𝓷 𝓶𝓲𝓷𝓮."

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## special ed (Aug 10, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 10, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Aug 10, 2022)

Twenty-oneth?

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## GTX (Aug 10, 2022)



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## Crimea_River (Aug 10, 2022)

Hey, you stole my joke.

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## special ed (Aug 10, 2022)



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## Wurger (Aug 10, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Aug 10, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Aug 10, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 681382


Reminds me of something that happened years ago.

A bloke was in a small Asian country on a development something and was being shown around by a politician.

He was shown some roadworks with heaps of people busily moving earth with shovels. Nearby was a grader and other equipment.

He asked the polly why they weren't using the equipment.

Answer was they could employ more people for an extra three months using the shovels instead.

Bloke said to the polly - Why don't you just give them each a spoon then ?

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## special ed (Aug 11, 2022)

Reminds me of when Mrs. Roosevelt visited the Boulder dam under construction. She commented on the large number of men on the job and asked, "How many are there?" The big shots couldn't answer and so called the top foreman to the office. "Mrs. Roosevelt wants to know how many men are working on the dam."
"About half of them."

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## Frog (Aug 11, 2022)

Is a spy bitten by a tsetse fly a sleeper agent?

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 11, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 11, 2022)




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## NVSMITH (Aug 12, 2022)

-My apologies if this has already been shown!

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 12, 2022)

NVSMITH said:


> -My apologies if this has already been shown!
> View attachment 681589


I would have reacted to this. I would.

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 12, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Aug 12, 2022)

Given the size of the impact area and the lack of damage to other parts of the vehicle, I'd guess the Caiote was riding a motorcycle.

Friend of mine had a name for them: "Plain Clothes Police Dog."

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## ARTESH (Aug 12, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 681365


I have alot of these "translation errors", it's understandable, because English is not our first language!!! But why on earth, in an English speaking country, this should happen???

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## ARTESH (Aug 12, 2022)

Did you know that "Adele" is actually Iranian? If you don't believe me, watch her singing in Persian!

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## ThomasP (Aug 12, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Aug 12, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 681651


That one didn't go through!

We even didn't scratch their armour!

That one bounced off!

Ricochet!

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## Gnomey (Aug 12, 2022)




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## at6 (Aug 13, 2022)

After subjecting me to that awful Adele singing Persian, I hope that all of your live stock go gay.

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## at6 (Aug 13, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Aug 13, 2022)

An unfortunate gentleman went hunting and was killed by his prey.

He was following it's tracks when the train hit him from behind.

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## Gnomey (Aug 13, 2022)




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## NVSMITH (Aug 14, 2022)

Report him to OSHA: not wearing safety equipment!!

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## VBF-13 (Aug 14, 2022)



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## javlin (Aug 14, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> Did you know that "Adele" is actually Iranian? If you don't believe me, watch her singing in Persian!



We need a punishment logo ...........sheeesh!!

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## special ed (Aug 14, 2022)

It would have been worn out during the unmentionable fighter expert's thread.

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## Gnomey (Aug 14, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Aug 15, 2022)

Found this on Youtube:

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## SaparotRob (Aug 15, 2022)

Awwwwww.


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## special ed (Aug 15, 2022)

While looking at a house, my brother asked which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. 
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time.
She shook her head and said, "I don't keep up with all that stuff."

They live among us

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## special ed (Aug 15, 2022)

My sister has a life saving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.

They live among us

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## Wayne Little (Aug 16, 2022)

Yep they sure do....


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## special ed (Aug 16, 2022)

Allegedly true: traffic camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, although he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he want around the block and passed the same spot driving more slowly and again the camera flashed. 
Now he thought this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the camera again. The camera flashed again.
He circled a fourth time still slower. The camera flashed. He did this a fifth time, laughing, as the camera flashed again.

Two weeks later, he received in the mail five tickets for driving without a seat belt.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 16, 2022)

...and I have worked with a lot of them in the past.

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## Wurger (Aug 16, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Aug 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> My sister has a life saving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if trapped.
> She keeps it in the trunk.
> 
> They live among us


The main concentration seems to be in capital cities.....


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## special ed (Aug 16, 2022)

That's because ambulances take them to hospital, whereas in rural areas, nature takes care of stupid.

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## ARTESH (Aug 16, 2022)

Weekend days in Iran vs. Europa:

In EU:

It's Saturday and Sunday, and people go to church on Sunday.

In Iran:

It's Friday - Monday, as follow:

Friday: Muslims go to Friday pray,
Saturday: Jewish go to Synagogue,
Sunday: Christians go to Church,
Monday: Zoroastrians go to Fire Temple.


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## MIflyer (Aug 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> She keeps it in the trunk.


I'll have you know that I have have several spare seatbelts in my trunk.

I thought it ridiculous that they put the notice "Do not drive with sunscreen in place" on those sunscreens that are designed to cover the inside of windshields. Then I encountered a woman driving with one in place.

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## Gnomey (Aug 16, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Aug 16, 2022)

That's so damn fakin bloody hell true!!!



Song: Mohre ye Maar
Singer: Saeed Asayesh


Literally what it says, is like:

Your love was a lie, I don't want to see you anymore, I want to forget you, I want to extinguish the flames of this love, your eyes are telling me, your deeds have spoken to me, you don't want me anymore ...

Just imagine this song and many other ones, like this, were played at weddings!

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## special ed (Aug 16, 2022)

Way back when I worked, our courier/driver used to encounter a woman in her Mercedes on the interstate brushing her teeth with one hand and putting on makup with the other hand while driving to work. This was decades before autodrive.

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## ThomasP (Aug 17, 2022)

'Lane Assist' aka 'Drive Drunk Assist'

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## Lucky13 (Aug 17, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Aug 17, 2022)

There was a story back in the 70's that a Japanese airline pilot rented a Winnebago and was traveling on I-35 through Oklahoma. Somewhere south of Norman, OK the vehicle ran off the road. Asked what had occurred, he replied, "I don't know what went wrong. I set the cruise control and then went back to fix a sandwich."

I guess that "cruise control" in his experience meant something that would hold altitude, course and speed.

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## Gnomey (Aug 17, 2022)




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## special ed (Aug 17, 2022)

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a local politician took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor and asked him a question.
"Would you mind telling me how you could detect a mental deficiency in a person who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier. Ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask: Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"
The politician thought a moment, and then said, "you wouldn't have another sample would you? I confess I don't know much about history."

They live among us

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## Lucky13 (Aug 18, 2022)



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## vikingBerserker (Aug 18, 2022)

That reminds me when my dad had passed away and my mom had him cremated and placed on the mantle. When I got back to work one of my coworkers had heard about my dads passing and came up to me to offer her condolences. She said how sorry she was and that he was in a much better place now. I couldn't help it but my response slipped out, "On my moms mantle?"

The expression on her face still makes laugh to this day.

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## Gnomey (Aug 18, 2022)




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## GTX (Aug 18, 2022)

I'm sure there is nothing to worry about...OMG!!!

Massive egg spotted on beach in Victoria along Great Ocean Road

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## MIflyer (Aug 18, 2022)

That's just one of our smaller pine cones.

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## Wurger (Aug 18, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Aug 19, 2022)




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## special ed (Aug 19, 2022)

I was eating lunch when I heard a girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. 
She drove in a convertible and said she didn't think she could get sunburned because the car was moving.

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## special ed (Aug 19, 2022)

I just posted this in The Blackfly EVTOL. I have had this video several years and would like to know where it is.
The flying bathtub.





Your browser is not able to display this video.

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## special ed (Aug 19, 2022)

GG answered Germany Thanks


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## Greg Boeser (Aug 19, 2022)

Somewhere in Germany near Goettingen. Kopp's Berghof Baeckerei is a chain with a number of locations north and east of Goettingen. 
This location appears to be Herzberg.


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## MiTasol (Aug 19, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Aug 20, 2022)



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## Wurger (Aug 20, 2022)




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## special ed (Aug 20, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Somewhere in Germany near Goettingen. Kopp's Berghof Baeckerei is a chain with a number of locations north and east of Goettingen.
> This location appears to be Herzberg.


Thanks for the info.


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## GTX (Aug 20, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 20, 2022)



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## Wurger (Aug 20, 2022)




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## SaparotRob (Aug 20, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 683059


Got me


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## SaparotRob (Aug 20, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 683060


Dedicated weight-loss management.

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## Gnomey (Aug 20, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Aug 20, 2022)

From Youtube:

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Aug 20, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 683059


Guilty

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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Aug 20, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 683117


I want to understand...


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## MIflyer (Aug 21, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I want to understand...


The older machines required older Ground Support Equipment.
After paying $75 for an OBDII scan on my 1999 Tacoma only to get false data, I vowed that would never happen again. I bought a serial interface for $100, downloaded a program that enabled me to plug a laptop into OBD II interfaces and read the codes, turn off the Czech Engine light, get real time data on RPM, input temperature, timing, O2 Sensor performance, etc. Trouble is, the Serial interface has disappeared from computers. When my 150 MHZ Dell Windows 98 laptop went dead I was able to load the program on another Windows 2000 one and still use it, but at one point I was considering getting a really long Serial cable so I could use my old Dell XP desktop from in the house.
I have used the laptop OBD II scan system on my neighbors' cars more than once, but one keeps asking me to plug it in and have it tell why the brakes are squeaking or the Alternator light keeps coming on. I have to keep telling him it does not measure that stuff; he apparently thinks it is like Star Trek or something.

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## MIflyer (Aug 21, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 683118




There was a WWII RAF officer who that sort of thing happened to him repeatedly during the war. After numerous close calls he was assigned to a non-combat role, as an aid to a Royal who had a military rank. Then he ran into an old friend of his, who was related to that Royal. He pointed out that the other officer as far better qualified than he to be an aide, so his posting was cancelled and he was replaced by the Royal's relative. And then the transport aircraft the two were in managed to find one of the higher bits of ground in the British Isles the hard way.
He wrote a book about the metaphysics of all of this sort of thing.

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## MIflyer (Aug 21, 2022)

I have a 40 inch Yardstick/Level.

Why would anybody....?



https://ww2aircraft.net/forum/attachments/1660966610188-png.682983/

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## Shortround6 (Aug 21, 2022)

They bought too many meter sticks and re-labeled them?

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## Gnomey (Aug 21, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Aug 22, 2022)

They probably wanted to make it dual Metric/English units and figured they would round it off to 40 inches.

A few decades back the USAF realized that they were using torque wrenches with dual SAE and Metric calibrations and it was very easy to read the wrong scale. So they got rid of all torque wrenches with dual calibrations.

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## special ed (Aug 22, 2022)

A fellow who had been away for about a year walked into the diner/donut shop, and was greeted by his old friends seated.
"What's been happening while I was gone?"
They all began telling him of incidents until Howard said, "Boudreaux's duck died,"
They all stopped talking and listened.
Howard began, "Well you know, last spring while Boudreaux was fishing, a baby duck swam up to his boat. He couldn't leave it there alone, so he scooped it up in his net.
He took care of the duck and it became a good friend and companion.
He then got an idea. When the duck grew up it could be his live decoy in the fall duck season.
He began to teach the duck to dive under the water when he stood in the boat with his shotgun, fired his three shots, and surfaced.
The practice went well and duck season came.
They went out for the first day of the season.
As the ducks flew over, Boudreaux stood in the boat.
His duck dived under.
He fired the shotgun.
The gun jammed.
The duck drowned.

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 22, 2022)

Tragic.

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## Ralph Haus (Aug 22, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> They probably wanted to make it dual Metric/English units and figured they would round it off to 40 inches.
> 
> A few decades back the USAF realized that they were using torque wrenches with dual SAE and Metric calibrations and it was very easy to read the wrong scale. So they got rid of all torque wrenches with dual calibrations.


Back in the 1970s, the company I was working for, being international, decided all designs were to be metric. A design I was creating required various stainless tubing sizes, one being 10mm in diameter . Orders went out for 100mm lengths. A few weeks later a couple of large tractor trailers showed up at the receiving dock. Yep. Seems the vendors were not quite yet on board with metric sizing; all the tubing was in inches. Not sure who ate that one or what happened to the tubing but we just could not get any of it to fit into our typewriter designs.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 22, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Aug 22, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 683453


Now you're cooking!


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## Snautzer01 (Aug 22, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 683453


Cheech and Chong. Ohh the laughs i had with these guys.

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## GTX (Aug 22, 2022)

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!".......

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## MIflyer (Aug 22, 2022)

From Youtube:

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## gumbyk (Aug 22, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Back in the 1970s, the company I was working for, being international, decided all designs were to be metric. A design I was creating required various stainless tubing sizes, one being 10mm in diameter . Orders went out for 100mm lengths. A few weeks later a couple of large tractor trailers showed up at the receiving dock. Yep. Seems the vendors were not quite yet on board with metric sizing; all the tubing was in inches. Not sure who ate that one or what happened to the tubing but we just could not get any of it to fit into our typewriter designs.


'metric' tubing/pipe is generally only nominally metric.
i.e. 6mm pipe is actually 1/4", 50mm pipe is really 2"

Unless you're working on a purely European design, its almost impossible to get hold of. 
We had a Fouga Magister that needed new brake lines fitted, that were proper 6mm line, and everyone who said they had 6mm copper pipe, when measured, found it to be 6.25mm.


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## SaparotRob (Aug 22, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> From Youtube:
> 
> View attachment 683480


I guess we know which one is the b!tch.

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## Gnomey (Aug 22, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Aug 22, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> 'metric' tubing/pipe is generally only nominally metric.
> *i.e. 6mm pipe is actually 1/4", 50mm pipe is really 2"*
> 
> Unless you're working on a purely European design, its almost impossible to get hold of.
> We had a Fouga Magister that needed new brake lines fitted, that were proper 6mm line, and everyone who said they had 6mm copper pipe, when measured, found it to be 6.25mm.



*Only metric tubing made to ANZ (Australian and New Zealand) standards.*

The stuff I have bought from the USA is real metric.


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## gumbyk (Aug 22, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> *Only metric tubing made to ANZ (Australian and New Zealand) standards.*
> 
> The stuff I have bought from the USA is real metric.


The only place we could find it was France


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## MiTasol (Aug 23, 2022)

Sorry - misread your post as industrial tubing - I know _*read the FULL @#$%^& wording idjit*_

I bought genuine metric aircraft plumbing - tubing, flex hose and all the necessary fittings - from Aviall Germany for the MiG-15s, and I bought it through Aviall Melbourne.

Once I identified the part numbers and that Aviall Germany stocked it Aviall Melbourne did the rest so no stuffing around with foreign currencies and freight.

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## MiTasol (Aug 23, 2022)

Darn, I'm older than dirt!!*Someone asked the other day,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'* 
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, I informed him, ' All the food was slow .'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at *home*,' I explained!
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work,we sat down together at the dining room table, & if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

*By this time, the guy was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood, if I figured his system could have handled it:*
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11:00 p.m., after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6:00 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...

*I never had a telephone in my room.
Our only phone was on a party line.
Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.*
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was & so was bread.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 5 AM every morning .

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
_
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Don't blame me if they bust their gut laughing._

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

*MEMORIES:* 
*My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember* *:
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.* 
*Ignition switches on the dashboard* *.* 
*Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards* *.* 
*Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner* *.* 
*Using hand signals for cars without turn signals* *.* 
*
Older Than Dirt Quiz:* 
*Count all the ones that you remember, NOT* *the ones you were told about* *!

Ratings at the bottom.* 
*
1. Candy cigarettes* *
2. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles* 
*4. Party lines on the telephones* *
5. Newsreels before the movie*
*6. TV* *test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (Only 3 channels! If you had a TV!)
7. Pea-shooters* *
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 78 rpm records* *
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever* *
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers* *

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young* *
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older* *
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16* *=* *You're older than dirt!* *THAT'S ME!* 
I might be older than dirt, *but* *those memories are some of the best parts of my life.*
Don't forget to pass this along!
Especially to all your really *OLD friends*

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 23, 2022)

Add gaslights to the list.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 23, 2022)

I remember when TV dinners was considered a treat because we got to eat and watch tv at the same time.

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## Ralph Haus (Aug 23, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Darn, I'm older than dirt!!*Someone asked the other day,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'*
> 'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up, I informed him, ' All the food was slow .'
> 'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
> ...


#17 Hudsons
#18 Skate keys for tightening skates to shoe soles
#19 5 cent candy bars that were big enough to share

probably more, but being this old, hard to remember!

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## MIflyer (Aug 23, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> I remember when TV dinners was considered a treat because we got to eat and watch tv at the same time.


Everything is a TV dinner now. But why did all of those have those little green peas?

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## SaparotRob (Aug 23, 2022)

For the kids to shoot at each other.

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## GTX (Aug 23, 2022)

Oh, I'm feeling old now...


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## Gnomey (Aug 23, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Aug 23, 2022)

We always assumed that the TV Dinner manufacturers bought the entire production run of those green peas every year and put them in every meal they produced. The damn things wandered out of their section during production and got in the mash potatoes, Sailsbary Steak, fried apples, or whatever else was in there. Yuck! 

And my High School Physics teacher said that those aluminum trays for the TV dinners would last forever. He said that 1000 years in the future archeologists would dig and find nothing but those trays and the pop tops that came off of drink cans (remember them?) and wonder what in the hell was going on that we produced so many millions of those things for no obvious reason and then threw them away. 

Remember how people would pull the pop tops off, stick them in the can, and then choke on them when they swallowed one? I never did that. Recall how people would make necklaces out of the pop tops?

Anyone recall when beer and coke cans were steel instead of aluminum? You did not stomp those things! Crushing one with your hands meant something! Girls would swoon and get married because a guy crushed a beer can. And then after aluminum drink cans came out, the top suddenly got a lot smaller. That was because they figured out that they could make the can much thinner if they made the top both smaller and the only part strong enough to put the opening lever on. Now you can drop a can a couple of feet and put a hole right through the side.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 23, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Remember how people would pull the pop tops off, stick them in the can, and then choke on them when they swallowed one?



That's how we weeded out the week ones from the gene pool!!

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## MIflyer (Aug 23, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> That's how we weeded out the week ones from the gene pool!!


It especially weeded out the drunk ones.

My poor Mom, though.... She never stuck the pop top in the can but EVERY time she opened one she would hold her hand in some way that would cause the pop top to slice her thumb open. "Pop!" and the blood would flow. This particularly would happen at the drive-in.

How many people out there have ever been to the drive in to watch a movie rather than to go to a swap meet or something? I think that CA was one of the last places to still have drive in theaters; I think this was because they had not much of a problem with mosquitoes.

There was a company named Drive In Theater Check Out Company. They produced test equipment that would automatically check out the speakers in drive ins by running a continuity check and then produce a print out showing which speakers were bad. GD adopted the DTMCO equipment to test the wiring harnesses in Atlas ballistic missiles the same way. You could either get a few techs and have them sit there with multimeters for a week or so or simply hook up the harness to DTMCO. If not for drive in movie theaters John Glenn might never have made it to orbit. 

There is one small town in GA we drive through that used to have a drive in theater with a screen that was so deep that it had rooms behind it. Then one day it was not there any more.

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## special ed (Aug 23, 2022)

How many old timers drove off with the speaker still on the inside of the window? I did only once. She had to be home at a certain time and the movie was not finished. We were still listening until the sound went out. I still have the speaker somewhere and it still worked.

One of my friend lived next to a drive-in and could see the screen from his bedroom. He wired a second speaker to the nearest post and with a long cord had sound in his room.

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## MIflyer (Aug 23, 2022)

I think most of the drive-ins went to broadcasting the sound over the car radio, although the last time I went to one, in around 1982, I believe we still used the speakers.

Some of them had a patio area with speakers so you could sit at picnic tables and watch.

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## special ed (Aug 23, 2022)

Must have been a California thing. The mosquitos would not allow that here (not the DeHavilland kind). They used to sell the mosquito repellant coils for a dollar when you paid admission.

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## MIflyer (Aug 23, 2022)

From Youtube. Another example why strong independent women don't need men.

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## gumbyk (Aug 23, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> From Youtube. Another example why strong independent women don't need men.
> 
> View attachment 683606


I've known more than a few guys who would do this...


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## Greg Boeser (Aug 23, 2022)

What's an oil change?

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## special ed (Aug 23, 2022)

A young guy at a bank where I serviced their film machine finally bought his first car. The girls he worked with told me when he picked up his new red sport car, he wanted to take the three of them out. On the interstate he had a flat tire and had never changed a tire before, The girls had to find the jack for him, set it up, and get him to turn the crank handle because non of the girls were strong enough. They taught him to use the wrench and remove the nuts. After the spare was securely on, he rolled the flat/wheelrim away and then was told he needed to put that in the trunk and have the flat fixed. He thought he had to buy the whole wheel/tire replacement.

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## Shortround6 (Aug 24, 2022)

You mean I have been buying new tires and rims for 54 years when I could have them fixed!!!!

The nice guy at the GOODYEAR store lied to me!!!!!!

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## MiTasol (Aug 24, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> I've known more than a few guys who would do this...


Back in the 70s a friend in Port Moresby was the VW dealer and he donated an engine to the local tech school and promised a job to the top student who passed the exam he wrote.

The winner got a perfect score and his first job in the shop was an oil change. The teacher had not showed them how to measure oil into an engine so he just pumped it in the filler until it overflowed. Then he tried to start it after finishing all the other jobs. Naturally the oil had migrated up into the distributor, into the cylinders and all sorts of other places that it did not belong so the car was in the shop over a week to fix all the problems.

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## MIflyer (Aug 24, 2022)

A friend of mine had a Porsche 911 that had a unique feature. There was an external filler port for gasoline but also a separate one for oil. You can guess what happened, not to him but to others. I think that feature lasted 1 year in production.

That car had not only an oil pressure gauge but an oil quantity gauge. For the electrical system it had only a light, that glowed a little bit at low RPM and glowed less at higher RPM.

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 24, 2022)

Last Drive-In I went to was about 25 years ago in Waynesville NC. It was next to a cow field (along with the cow aroma) and the lady who ran the snack bar had this giant beehive hairdo. You would also get a large pizza for $12 which was challenge to finish due to the said cow aroma next door.

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## MIflyer (Aug 24, 2022)

In 1993 I was flying my Ercoupe from Maryland down to SC. My planned refueling stop turned out to be IFR when I got there so I turned around and flew 40 miles back up I-95 to an airport I knew was clear, at Roanoke Rapids NC. There I found a nice little field that featured patio chairs made out of bent pipe and stamped steel, like we had in the 60's. And their drink machine served bottles, one of those that you put your money in, opened the little door along one side, and pulled the bottle out by the cap. I was tempted to ask the elderly couple that ran the place if they got visits from tour groups. I am pretty sure there was a drive-in theater not too far away; that would fit the ambiance.

Probably should have asked what year it was.

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## Gnomey (Aug 24, 2022)




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## special ed (Aug 24, 2022)

Found these on the internet

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## MiTasol (Aug 24, 2022)

PNG pilot

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## Wurger (Aug 24, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Aug 24, 2022)

and a couple of photos of an airline that tells its staff and customers that it has never had an accident. They call this an incident because they spent more than the cost of a new aircraft to repair this one




Note the #3 engine has torn its pylon out of the wing resulting in a massive fuel leak over a hot engine





If you are seated next to an emergency exit on 99.99% of airlines you are told to make sure it is safe to exit before you open that exit. On skippy only the crew can open exits.




and on top of that the first pax off was over 14 minutes and last off was almost 22 minutes. Only the captain can order an evacuation. Who is in the seat that is first to arrive at the scene of the accident? Other airlines give the cabin crew the authority to order an evacuation and the standard requirement is everybody off within 90 seconds in case of fire.

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## MiTasol (Aug 24, 2022)

Do not start your engine unless you have brake pressure and the brakes are locked on.

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## MiTasol (Aug 24, 2022)

and do not land on a floating helipad that is designed for a helicopter with skids when you are flying a chopper with wheels because when a wheel breaks through the deck and you try and lift off again life will get very interesting.

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## MiTasol (Aug 24, 2022)

And here is one where the pilots were cool calm and collected enough to make all the right decisions when everything turned to brown custard with a double engine failure. Mr Douglas and his overbuilt aircraft was an additional factor.

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## gumbyk (Aug 24, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Do not start your engine unless you have brake pressure and the brakes are locked on.
> 
> View attachment 683713


I've seen the aftermath of this happening first-hand.
We had one particular pilot who was always in a hurry. His normal practice was to start the aircraft while on chocks and leave it to warm up. Well, one day he couldn't find the chocks, so just pulled the park brake on a bit harder, and left it at 1500 RPM to warm up a bit quicker. When he got out to do something else, he knocked the park brake off, and the aircraft took off across the apron.
I heard a horrible crunch, (or really a series of crunches), and ran around the corner to see this Cessna 210 wedged into a cherokee with very similar damage to this one.
I'll never forget seeing this guy standing in the middle of the apron with his aircraft buried in another one.

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## Greg Boeser (Aug 24, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Do not start your engine unless you have brake pressure and the brakes are locked on.
> 
> View attachment 683713


Oooh! Julian fries!

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## MiTasol (Aug 24, 2022)

and one for luck
The Renate Schultz was a brand new ship with every concievable safety feature. On this night the duty driver got sick of all the aural false alarms from the radar and other sensors so turned the aural warnings off. Surprisingly the salvage crew were able to separate the ships and bring both back to port.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 24, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> And here is one where the pilots were cool calm and collected enough to make all the right decisions when everything turned to brown custard with a double engine failure. Mr Douglas and his overbuilt aircraft was an additional factor.
> 
> View attachment 683715



Still remember that....


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## Lucky13 (Aug 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 24, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 24, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Aug 25, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Aug 25, 2022)



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## Wurger (Aug 25, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Aug 25, 2022)

One one launch complex I worked at it was almost this bad

.

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## Snautzer01 (Aug 25, 2022)

MIflyer at workplace

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## MIflyer (Aug 25, 2022)

Actually it was more like break dancing........


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## MIflyer (Aug 25, 2022)

All together now ...."AWWWWW!"

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## ThomasP (Aug 25, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Aug 25, 2022)

Surely, this is not an actual warning sign....

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## Wurger (Aug 25, 2022)




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## GTX (Aug 25, 2022)

Anyone peckish?

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## GTX (Aug 25, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 25, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 25, 2022)




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## Ralph Haus (Aug 25, 2022)

GTX said:


> Anyone peckish?
> 
> View attachment 683852


Saw this movie multiple times , years back, and been thinking more about it lately. Food shortages and such, but mainly about the age recycling angle. May not be a bad idea!

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## Ralph Haus (Aug 25, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 683854


If you had NASAs budget you probably wouldn't have those problems.

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## special ed (Aug 25, 2022)

Back on January 9th, a group of Hells Angels, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River bridge. They stopped. George, their leader, big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down from the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby... whatcha doin up there on that railin?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"
He didn't want to appear sensitive, George also didn't want to miss this "be a legend" moment either, so he asked,
"Well, before you jump, Honey Babe, why don't you give ol' George your best last kiss?"
With no hesitation, she leaned back over the railing and did just that....a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by an even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs up approval from his biker buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper. 
George then says, "That was the best kiss I ever had! That 's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" 
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It isn't known if she jumped or was pushed.

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## MIflyer (Aug 25, 2022)

Well, for the signal from 4.67 billion miles away there is not a microwave oven, Mr Coffee, digital clock, and a TV set sitting next to the receiver.

And some cars that drive by probably ought to be pulled over and ticketed by the FCC.

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## gumbyk (Aug 25, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Well, for the signal from 4.67 billion miles away there is not a microwave oven, Mr Coffee, digital clock, and a TV set sitting next to the receiver.
> 
> And some cars that drive by probably ought to be pulled over and ticketed by the FCC.


And at the speed that NASA download, you'd basically say that your home connection wasn't working.

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## MiTasol (Aug 25, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Aug 25, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 683909


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## MiTasol (Aug 26, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Aug 26, 2022)

Disgusting, to need to replace a flat and they've given you the wrong size tire.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 26, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 26, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 26, 2022)



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## Wurger (Aug 26, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Aug 26, 2022)




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## GTX (Aug 26, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Aug 26, 2022)

That was great!!

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## special ed (Aug 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Aug 26, 2022)



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## at6 (Aug 26, 2022)

Had a bottle of sparkling water last night. It caused gas and my butt barked the whole night until this morning. After I got up, my butt began to emit duck calls.

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## buffnut453 (Aug 26, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> That was great!!



Just like the Keystone Cops...particularly the guy who couldn't open the locked door so he dives through the open window. Classic!

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## MIflyer (Aug 27, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Just like the Keystone Cops...particularly the guy who couldn't open the locked door so he dives through the open window. Classic!


Obviously Dukes of Hazard fans.

What was all the smoke for? Marking a target for CAS?

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## MIflyer (Aug 27, 2022)

I recall a friend of mine describing the antics that accompanied his neighbors rebuilding an engine in their own garage. Once assembled, it would not crank, not just fail to start but would not even turn over very far. They resorted to push starting it and smoked the tires on both it and the car providing the push up and down the street. Finally, they regretfully concluded tha they were going to have to take the engine apart again. And that is when they found a can of grease sitting in one cylinder, on top of piston.

Moral of the story: Never try to rebuild an engine that has cylinders large enough to hold a can of grease.

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## GTX (Aug 27, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 27, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 27, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 27, 2022)

Well, this will put a slowdown on that backyard project:









A Portugal man's accidental backyard discovery might be the largest dinosaur fossil in Europe


Palaeontologists believe the discovery could be the remains of the largest sauropod dinosaur to be found in Europe.




www.abc.net.au





And his dog's reaction:

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## GTX (Aug 27, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 27, 2022)




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## Wurger (Aug 27, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Aug 28, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Do not start your engine unless you have brake pressure and the brakes are locked on.
> 
> View attachment 683713


Can someone explain what exactly happened to this plane?


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## MiTasol (Aug 28, 2022)

The aircraft was sliced by a runaway Piper Saratoga's propeller. Four other aircraft were damaged, three beyond repair.



Sliced Seminole

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## ARTESH (Aug 28, 2022)

MiTasol
, Thank you.


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## MIflyer (Aug 28, 2022)

A few years back there was a similar incident at Oshkosh, involving two F4U and an F8F making what was supposed to be a formation takeoff.

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## Lucky13 (Aug 28, 2022)



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## Frog (Aug 28, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 684261



The Stray Cats ?

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## Lucky13 (Aug 28, 2022)

Frog said:


> The Stray Cats ?



Aye....👍🏻

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## Gnomey (Aug 28, 2022)




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## special ed (Aug 28, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Aug 28, 2022)

Why do I hear the "Rocky" theme song every time I see that image?


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## buffnut453 (Aug 28, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Why do I hear the "Rocky" theme song every time I see that image?



Because that's the gray tabby cat's name?

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## MiTasol (Aug 29, 2022)

I do not know if people in other countries will understand this one so some background.

In Australia if you "identify" as being a member of a certain racial group, even if you have 0.000% of that race in your parentage, you get all the benefits available to members of that race.

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## buffnut453 (Aug 29, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> I do not know if people in other countries will understand this one so some background.
> 
> In Australia if you "identify" as being a member of a certain racial group, even if you have 0.000% of that race in your parentage, you get all the benefits available to members of that race.
> 
> View attachment 684300



Just came across this one...it's a new approach (to me, at least). Wonder if the Aussie government provides free Kibbles (or whatever the Aussie equivalent is):









Teen Who Identifies As A Cat Allowed By School To Act Feline, Not Speak | KIIS FM


The school called the young girl "phenomenally bright."




kiisfm.iheart.com

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## SaparotRob (Aug 29, 2022)

In my younger days, I would enter Trobriand Islander on U.S. Census forms as my ethnicity. They never checked.


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## MiTasol (Aug 29, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> In my younger days, I would enter Trobriand Islander on U.S. Cencus forms as my ethnicity. They never checked.



Enjoyed my time in the Trob's. Will have to see if I can find any photos.

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## GTX (Aug 29, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 29, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 29, 2022)



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## GTX (Aug 29, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Just came across this one...it's a new approach (to me, at least). Wonder if the Aussie government provides free Kibbles (or whatever the Aussie equivalent is):
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A story deliberately designed to stir people up...


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## Gnomey (Aug 29, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Aug 30, 2022)

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. 

St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."

As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter replies, "They're clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."

By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians' clocks. Where are they kept?"

St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."

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## Wurger (Aug 30, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2022)

😳😲😆😆😆😂😂😂


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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2022)



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## Wurger (Aug 31, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Aug 31, 2022)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 684692



I'll gladly direct them. Follow me, ladies!!! Oh...and did I tell you about the non-monetary admission fee?

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## vikingBerserker (Aug 31, 2022)

I don't know, that's a lot of women to disappoint in a short time.

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## buffnut453 (Aug 31, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> I don't know, that's a lot of women to disappoint in a short time.



You think I care how they feel?

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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2022)

A warrior princess and Borg walk into a bar… 🖖

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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Aug 31, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Sep 1, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 684716


If a computer programmer waves at you does that make it a macrowave ?

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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 1, 2022)

Some aviation comments:

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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Sep 1, 2022)

Brilliant!


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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

Modern Education.

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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

Sometime the understated approach is best, but other times....

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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

And They Say That Canada Does Not Have A National Identity!

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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

How many wrecks will this cause?

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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

I guess they have had problems with someone stealing the lights....

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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

That's what those critters we see in the morning are?

I thought they were skunks!

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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

I guess some people like to give 128.57%!

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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

Well, if you are wearing sunglasses...

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## Wurger (Sep 1, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 1, 2022)

MIflyer on a Dad joke rampage

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## MIflyer (Sep 1, 2022)

Somebody hiccupped?

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## Gnomey (Sep 1, 2022)




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## A4K (Sep 1, 2022)

These last posts just prove that reality is more mental than any crap I could think up...!

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## SaparotRob (Sep 1, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> And They Say That Canada Does Not Have A National Identity!
> 
> View attachment 684886


That's a Canadian bacon.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 1, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> MIflyer on a Dad joke rampage


I almost soiled myself with the Canada Day sign.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 1, 2022)

special ed said:


> Some aviation comments:
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 684879



I have that as a t-shirt. lol

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 1, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> And They Say That Canada Does Not Have A National Identity!
> 
> View attachment 684886



Canada, known for maple syrup and being north of the USA.

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## Shortround6 (Sep 1, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Canada, known for maple syrup and being north of the USA.


I thought that was Vermont?

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 1, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> I thought that was Vermont?


Canada just known for being north of the US then?

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## Shortround6 (Sep 1, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Canada just known for being north of the US then?


Well, that and counterfeit bacon.

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## at6 (Sep 2, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Modern Education.
> View attachment 684880


They are not allowed to say erection.

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## WARSPITER (Sep 2, 2022)

Saw a map of North America showing the size of the USA and Canada.

Caption read "I'm bigger than you, I'm on top. If we were in prison you would be my bitch."

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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2022)

Well....I don't know what to say! There's........................................so much to take in!
I need rum!

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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Sep 2, 2022)

Now THAT is an innovative design for an ironing board!

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## MIflyer (Sep 2, 2022)

These new air conditioners where you can put the input and output in separate locations offer some real flexibility in mounting options.

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## MIflyer (Sep 2, 2022)

https://ww2aircraft.net/forum/attachments/img_20220902_114257-jpg.684995/



Back in the late 1980's a geologist looked at the Sphinx and concluded it was at least 1500 years older than the Great Pyramid. The archeologists were enraged.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 2, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> Well, that and counterfeit bacon.
> 
> View attachment 684947



You mean ham thats just ok?

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## Shortround6 (Sep 2, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> You mean ham thats just ok?


See





Forts, Fortifications, Citadels etc.


Here is one from the distant, distant past and still standing today. Krak des Chevaliers, Crusader Castle, Syria. taken March 2010. :D EXCELLENT! Krak des Chevaliers is one of the most fascinating Crusader Castles for me, great photo. :thumbright:



ww2aircraft.net





For the efforts that Maine put into defending the US from the Canadian Bacon invasion.

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## ThomasP (Sep 2, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Sep 2, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 2, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Sep 2, 2022)



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## Crimea_River (Sep 2, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Sep 2, 2022)

We will of course admit when another country has a better system as soon as another country comes up with one.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 2, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> We will of course admit when another country has a better system as soon as another country comes up with one.



Proving, once again, that ignorance is bliss!

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## Shortround6 (Sep 2, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Proving, once again, that ignorance is bliss!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 2, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> We will of course admit when another country has a better system as soon as another country comes up with one.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 2, 2022)

We did, of course buy the Harrier, the canted deck, steam catapult as well as the Canberra. There just aren't many better ideas than ours.


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## buffnut453 (Sep 2, 2022)

special ed said:


> We did, of course buy the Harrier, the canted deck, steam catapult as well as the Canberra. There just aren't many better ideas than ours.



And the Merlin, and the jet engine, and the Mosquito, and the cavity magnetron, and processes for ship-based GCI (ok, you didn't "buy" those per se...but you still benefited a LOT from ideas that were generated elsewhere). I'm sure there are a few other odds and sods that can be added to the list of unmentionables.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 2, 2022)

I have sown the wind.

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## GTX (Sep 2, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 2, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> And the Merlin, and the jet engine, and the Mosquito, and the cavity magnetron, and processes for ship-based GCI (ok, you didn't "buy" those per se...but you still benefited a LOT from ideas that were generated elsewhere). I'm sure there are a few other odds and sods that can be added to the list of unmentionables.



How about we adopt somebody else's education system. There are a lot of better ones out there.

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## Frog (Sep 2, 2022)

Chu, Bu and Fu have decided to immigrate.
The Immigration Control Officer advises them that modifying their name would ease their integration.
So far so good.
Chu becomes Chuck.
Bu becomes Buck.
Fu has finally renounced to immigrate.

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## Wurger (Sep 2, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Sep 2, 2022)




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## GTX (Sep 2, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Sep 3, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> I have sown the wind.



That is usually described as breaking wind

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## MiTasol (Sep 3, 2022)

Australia's aviation regulator is often called the Dept of Many Names.

Over the years, but not in order, it was
CAA = Cease all aviation​DCA = Dept of Constant Agrivation​DoT = Detriment of Transport​DoTaC = Detriment of Transport and Communications​​It also had a couple of other names that I cant remember

One name that only lasted a couple of weeks (just long enough for the politicians mates to deliver the new letterheads and change all the building signs) was DOA which naturally was called Dead on Arrival.

It is currently called CASA and I will not spell that one out as I do not want to be banned

Here is one of the cartoons about them during their brief life as DoA in 1986

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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Sep 3, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 685161


And so very true.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)

Well actually, it's a Mopar household....

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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 3, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 3, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 685161


That brings back memories...

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## syscom3 (Sep 3, 2022)

"Captain's Log..."

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 3, 2022)

Wooden that be something?

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## WARSPITER (Sep 3, 2022)

Isn't that what Spock found in the Enterprise toilet ?

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## Wurger (Sep 3, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Sep 3, 2022)




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## Airframes (Sep 3, 2022)

Nah, that wooden go warp factor six !

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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 3, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Sep 4, 2022)

Calvin -->>Cool

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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)



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## cammerjeff (Sep 4, 2022)

Calvin was the bravest boy in the world, Sometimes

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## MIflyer (Sep 4, 2022)

I recall hearing of a case where a child decided that a grilled cheese sandwich would fit in the VCR and tried it out.

Over 20 years ago one of the guys I worked with asked how hard was it to fix a VCR. I told him that usually it was something simple. He bought the manual and then came to me and asked for help. I took a look at the VCR. Sure enough, it would not work. Then the next day I was at the airport and noted a VCR someone had thrown away. It turned out it just had a tape jammed in it, so I took care of that and then cleaned the heads the way a guy from Nielson told me, using rubbing alcohol and a Mr Coffee filter. Then it worked fine; I took it to work and told him that I had fixed his VCR but had to modify it from a Magnavox into a JVC. He was delighted; his TV was a JVC and the TV remote worked with the VCR. Then I found that all was wrong with the one he gave me to fix was that it needed a new belt. I had an assortment of VCR belts because the company I ordered belts from had found that at less than $1.00 each they could not make much on them, so they made you buy a package containing just about every VCR belt ever made. Replacing the belt with one I had from that ridiculous assortment fixed it.

This is how you fool people into thinking you are a genius. Admittedly, there are drawbacks to this. When I was in CA one of the guys I worked with was trying to upgrade a computer that he had borrowed. In the process he managed to induce a short that resulted in one board with about 50 ICs on it look like a bomb had gone off. He got out the schematics and replaced the fried components but it still did not work. He asked for my help and I hated to tell him the truth, that it was hopeless; figuring out what is wrong with a Heathkit or a 1979 Corolla was a whole 'nuther thing from fixing a computer. So he came over to my house and while I waxed my car I gave him instructions on what to test. In the process of doing that we found out that the IC he had vaporized and replaced had no power going to it. He did not realize that the computer tech data assumes you know the DC power goes to Pin 7 and Pin 14. We added jumpers to an adjacent IC and the board worked when it was reinstalled. I fooled 'em again!

Either that, or I am a genius, which seems very unlikely in that I never get paid anything for this kind of stuff.

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## MIflyer (Sep 4, 2022)

I went into a cool music store in San Luis Obispo in 1985 and found something I been looking for over the past decades: The soundtrack to the movie "633 Squadron." I told the girl at the cash register that they needed to be prepared for medical emergencies if they were going to be selling stuff like this. Strangely enough, she thought that an odd remark.

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 4, 2022)

cammerjeff said:


> Calvin was the bravest boy in the world, Sometimes
> View attachment 685306


One of my fav.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)

Terry, go home....you're drunk!

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## MIflyer (Sep 4, 2022)

Except that I'm a tad older than the little boy in this shot, it is just about identical to what occurred when I brought my current dog home from an animal shelter.

Of course it also taught her that getting up on a couch was always Okay.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 4, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Except that I'm a tad older than the little boy in this shot, it is just about identical to what occurred when I brought my current dog home from an animal shelter.
> 
> Of course it also taught her that getting up on a couch was always Okay.
> 
> View attachment 685313



The cats and dogs that I grew up with, were always part of the family, therefore....couch bed....🤗

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## v2 (Sep 4, 2022)

...

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## Gnomey (Sep 4, 2022)




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## Frog (Sep 5, 2022)

Vegans are upset because animals are killed and then eaten.

They are stupid.

We're not going to eat them alive.

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## GTX (Sep 5, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 685305


I didn't realise that was an option...

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 5, 2022)

GTX said:


> I didn't realise that was an option...


It's because you lack imagination and initiative.

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## MiTasol (Sep 5, 2022)

Frog said:


> *Vegans are upset because animals are killed and then eaten.*
> 
> They are stupid.
> 
> We're not going to eat them alive.




But are completely happy with killing and eating plants

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## MiTasol (Sep 5, 2022)

GTX said:


> I didn't realise that was an option...



oysters are best eaten fresh from the shell while the shell is still attached to the rocks

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## Gnomey (Sep 5, 2022)




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## special ed (Sep 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 5, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 5, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 6, 2022)

....and now for a classic 

 Airframes
joke!

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## Wurger (Sep 6, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Sep 6, 2022)

This is an actual e-mail I received years ago:

I am Mr. Abbott Costello, I am an assessor with a restoration firm.
Now, normally I would just ignore emails like yours. I receive them all
the time. However, my associate and I are having a bit of a problem and I
don't know where else to turn. I'm hoping that you or someone you know may
be able to provide some assistance. 
My colleague, Mr. Denton Fender, and I are employed by Global Restoration
Services, headquartered in Melbourne. Our firm has been contracted by the
Zimbabwean government to evaluate the feasibility of the restoration of a
certain tourist site here in Zimbabwe which President Mugabe wishes to have
professionally restored.
Three days ago while assessing the site, Mr. Fender and I came across a
substantial amount of money. Cash, bearer bonds, and other negotiables, all
in U.S. currency. This stash appears to have been placed here within the
last few months. While we're not certain of the exact amount of money, we
estimate that there is between $2M and $4M here.
We have not reported this findings to anyone. Only Mr. Fender and I know
that this money exists, along with whoever put it here.
Unfortunately, there is no way that my colleague and I can take this
money and leave the country. We are under close supervision by government
officials including soldiers from the Zimbabwean National Army. 
What we are looking for is someone who can get this money away from here
and into a bank or something where we can access it at a later date. We are
perfectly willing to share this find with you or anyone else who can do this
for us. 
Can you help us?
I remain yours,'
Mr. Abbott Costello

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## special ed (Sep 6, 2022)

Bacon especially for "Mr. Denton Fender." Sounds like a collision shop owner.

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## MIflyer (Sep 6, 2022)

I once got another one from a Mr. Lynerd Skynerd and another one that offered an investment opportunity for a new gold mine in Australia. The mining engineer had certified the quality of the ore and was a man of impeccable reputation, a Mr. George Washington. 

A friend of mine suggested I send Mr Costello a message from my financial advisor, Mr Laurel Hardy.

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## GTX (Sep 6, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 685486


Or was that just bragging to the neighbours during the height of the COVID toilet paper panics...

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## GTX (Sep 6, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> This is an actual e-mail I received years ago:
> 
> I am Mr. Abbott Costello, I am an assessor with a restoration firm.
> Now, normally I would just ignore emails like yours. I receive them all
> ...


Pathetic that people still actually get suckered in by these things

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## buffnut453 (Sep 6, 2022)

special ed said:


> Bacon especially for "Mr. Denton Fender." Sounds like a collision shop owner.



Made me think of the immortal "Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers."

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## GTX (Sep 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 6, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Sep 6, 2022)

From Youtube:

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## Wurger (Sep 6, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Sep 6, 2022)




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## Ralph Haus (Sep 7, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> This is an actual e-mail I received years ago:
> 
> I am Mr. Abbott Costello, I am an assessor with a restoration firm.
> Now, normally I would just ignore emails like yours. I receive them all
> ...


Well, I just got mine. I'm rich !!!! Not sure when Citibank started using gmail though?

CITIBANK INTERNATIONAL NEW YORK
DIRECTOR, FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT
ADDRESS: 87-11 Queens Boulevard, Elmhurst, NY 11373
From Desktop of Mrs. Charlotte Ferguson


Attention Beneficiary

I want to inform you that your outstanding payment of $14.5 Million US Dollars, which has been with our Central paying office from United Nations has been sign out for payment after series of meeting with our board of directors, We have already sent you two various notification mails as regarding to this New Development and it's surprising we haven't received any acknowledgement mail from you up till this time, I am sending you this mail again as a REMINDER and to have your consent as regarding to the Authorization Letter we received from United Nations, Also this payment will come to you via Bank Transfer, We want to conclude all payment as soon as possible. Below is the information required?


1) Full Name:
2) Full Address:
3) Your contact telephone and fax number:
4) Your Age and Profession:
5) Copy of any valid form of your Identification:
6) Your Bank name:
7) Your Bank Address:
8) Account name:
9) Account Number:
10) ABA/Routing Number:
11) Swift or Sort Code:

Thanks and Congratulations I wait your urgent response.

Thanks and remain bless


DIRECTOR OF FUNDS CLEARANCE UNIT.
here an email ( deleted due to the security system alert )

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## VBF-13 (Sep 7, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Sep 7, 2022)

This is totally appropriate for this WW2 airaft forum, and you guys.

"A P-400 is a P-40 with a Zero on it's tail"

LOL

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## syscom3 (Sep 7, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Well, I just got mine. I'm rich !!!! Not sure when Citibank started using gmail though?
> 
> CITIBANK INTERNATIONAL NEW YORK
> DIRECTOR, FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT
> ...


The grammar gave it away. LOL

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## vikingBerserker (Sep 7, 2022)

Great, now I have to worry about if local singles are really interested in me.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 7, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> The grammar gave it away. LOL


Maybe I should drop by and say hello to them. There's a great pastrami place in that neck of the woods.


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## MIflyer (Sep 7, 2022)

One day several years ago I got an e-mail from the FBI to the general public. I was not sure how to take it.

It said they wanted everyone to know that the FBI does not send out e-mails to the general public.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 7, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Great, now I have to worry about if local singles are really interested in me.



Hate to break it to you....but probably not.

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 7, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> Great, now I have to worry about if local singles are really interested in me.





buffnut453 said:


> Hate to break it to you....but probably not.


Never underestimate the desperation of a woman whose biological clock is ticking down.

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## special ed (Sep 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 7, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Sep 7, 2022)

Talk about sticker shock.


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## special ed (Sep 7, 2022)

If you notice the date. my cousin's neighbor got the estimate and my cousin emailed it two days ago.


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## special ed (Sep 7, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Sep 7, 2022)

Saw where a guy bought a Toyota Prius for $1500. The battery had to be replaced and the cost for that was $4200 and so the orginal owner just wanted to get rid of it. The new owner found he could buy and install a new battery himself for about $1500. But that is for a car that does not run on electricity but just uses an electric motor as an "afterburner" to enable adequate performance out of an excessively wimpy internal combustion engine modified to be more efficient at the cost of power.

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 7, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 685776


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## ThomasP (Sep 8, 2022)

re the Volt hybrid battery invoice

It should be noted that the Volt hybrid battery was warrantied for 8 years or 100,000 miles, whichever came first.

The mileage listed on the invoice is only 70,489 - but the vehicle in question is 10 years old (I checked the VIN info) so the vehicle is out of warranty.

The cost of a new Volt OEM hybrid battery is currently ~$6,900 (including some wiring harness and minor bits), and the total cost of replacement (including labor) is ~$9,800.

Someone (not Special Ed - this invoice has appeared on the internet previously) thought they would be clever and added a 2 in front of the parts cost and the total. (edit: it is quite possible that the dealership decided to price gouge the customer.)

Incidentally, I had to replace the hybrid battery in my 2002 Toyota Prius (about 4 years ago) after ~435,000 miles. The hybrid battery cost was $2,900 and the labor was bout $480. My total mileage just passed 584,000.

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## ARTESH (Sep 8, 2022)

Ralph Haus said:


> Well, I just got mine. I'm rich !!!! Not sure when Citibank started using gmail though?
> 
> CITIBANK INTERNATIONAL NEW YORK
> DIRECTOR, FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT
> ...


You really read the whole email?

I fell asleep after reading first line.

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## ARTESH (Sep 8, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> This is totally appropriate for this WW2 airaft forum, and you guys.
> 
> "A P-400 is a P-40 with a Zero on it's tail"
> 
> LOL


And a P-4000 is a P-40, but in Cents...

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## Lucky13 (Sep 8, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Sep 8, 2022)

How many songs do y'all reckon will be written about Teslas?


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## SaparotRob (Sep 8, 2022)

I can’t remember a song ever written about an appliance. 
Calling Weird Al Yankovich.


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## GTX (Sep 8, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 8, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 8, 2022)

My wife received an actual solicitation from a retirement community about a half hour away. When she got home from work, I told her I'd sign her up.
She said, "I accept!"

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## MIflyer (Sep 8, 2022)

Appliances?

I recall that back in the late 80's I took my Ercoupe to an airport a short distance away from my home field to have an altitude encoder installed, that being a new requirement in the Wash DC area. When the job was done I rolled the Ercoupe back away from the building and went inside to pay for the work and pick up the paperwork.

A Beech King Air had come in with a load of businessmen for some meeting. That big fancy twin no doubt had radios that alone cost more than I paid for my Ercoupe, but when I came back outside the businessmen were clustered around the front my airplane, not the King Air. After that, I observed that airplanes will always be more interesting than office equipment.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Sep 9, 2022)

A woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was chiefly responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State Forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, (a country Doctor) and told him that she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

"Well..." replied the doctor, "...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, the National Parks and Wildlife Service, the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area'… I'm sorry but they all turned me down.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2022)

Well, Karl!?

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## MIflyer (Sep 9, 2022)

From Youtube:

Is Saudi Arabia on Tantooine?

Where's Jabba the Hut?

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## Wurger (Sep 9, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Sep 9, 2022)

Well, it's not like they are using a metal ladder!

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## GTX (Sep 9, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 9, 2022)




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## special ed (Sep 9, 2022)



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## Ralph Haus (Sep 9, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 686162


I'll be sure to look for these when all of the handicap spaces are full.

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## ThomasP (Sep 10, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Sep 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 10, 2022)

😳😲😆😆😆😂😂😂

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## Wurger (Sep 10, 2022)




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## GTX (Sep 10, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 10, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 10, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 10, 2022)




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## GTX (Sep 10, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 10, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Sep 11, 2022)

Since they are being hauled around by a powered track, does that make them electrically powered vehicles?

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## GTX (Sep 11, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 11, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 11, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Sep 12, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 686552



Well...thanks....just THANKS. I'm now cleaning off my computer screen having splurted my morning cuppa all over it.

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## WARSPITER (Sep 12, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Well...thanks....just THANKS. I'm now cleaning off my computer screen having splurted my morning cuppa all over it.


And mines got mashed potato all over it.

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## buffnut453 (Sep 12, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> And mines got mashed potato all over it.



Plant-based or non-plant based? Enquiring minds want to know.

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## WARSPITER (Sep 12, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Plant-based or non-plant based? Enquiring minds want to know.


Plant based mash is no good as it doesn't include bangers therefore I must admit to only having non plant based.

This is based on the simple fact that smart people get their protein from meat.

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## MIflyer (Sep 12, 2022)

I think that it means that the Mashed Potatoes ATE some plants....

You know, like vegetarian mashed potatoes.

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## WARSPITER (Sep 12, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> I think that it means that the Mashed Potatoes ATE some plants....
> 
> You know, like vegetarian mashed potatoes.


Stop it. You are starting to make sense.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)

Nothing has ever made any sense on this forum...._ever! _😉😆😂

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## buffnut453 (Sep 12, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> I think that it means that the Mashed Potatoes ATE some plants....
> 
> You know, like vegetarian mashed potatoes.



Well, I worry about them evolving...or being cross-bred with alien DNA. 








It'll be even worse if they break into song!

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## GTX (Sep 12, 2022)

This year, hundreds of Russian tanks have gone missing in Ukraine.

It's important to find these tanks within the first 48 hours because after that, there's a 97% chance they'll be towed away by a Ukrainian farmer

If you have any information, please call 1-800-LMAO-ROFLMAO

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## buffnut453 (Sep 12, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 686630
> 
> 
> This year, hundreds of Russian tanks have gone missing in Ukraine.
> ...



Found some:

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## Gnomey (Sep 12, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)

5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

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## Lucky13 (Sep 12, 2022)



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## gumbyk (Sep 12, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 686552


Clearly there's plenty of people here who need to spend more time in the kitchen. If your mash doesn't have as much cream and butter as potato, then it needs to go back...

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## Greg Boeser (Sep 12, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....
> 
> View attachment 686652


This is just totally wrong.

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 13, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 13, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 13, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 13, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 13, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 13, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 686647


Daily...

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## GTX (Sep 13, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 686771


Reminds me of:


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## GTX (Sep 13, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 13, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 13, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Sep 13, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 686786


Does this guy have any other expression? You would think by now he would know how to read a teleprompter.


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## buffnut453 (Sep 13, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Does this guy have any other expression? You would think by now he would know how to read a teleprompter.


Hey...give the guy a break. It takes a ton of concentration to read those long words.

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## Gnomey (Sep 13, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Sep 14, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> Does this guy have any other expression? You would think by now he would know how to read a teleprompter.


Know how to read ? Now that's a good one.

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## vikingBerserker (Sep 14, 2022)

It looks like he has a gun pressed to his back.

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## WARSPITER (Sep 14, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> It looks like he has a gun pressed to his back.


Yeah, when they get bullets sent in from North Korea to load the gun he's in real trouble.

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## SaparotRob (Sep 14, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Yeah, when they get bullets sent in from North Korea to load the gun he's in real trouble.


Or not.


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## Lucky13 (Sep 14, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 14, 2022)



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## gumbyk (Sep 14, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 686960


I'd rather have this left-handed screwdriver... Left Handed Screwdriver Cocktail Recipe | Cocktail Builder

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## special ed (Sep 15, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 15, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 15, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 15, 2022)

🤨🤔

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## MIflyer (Sep 15, 2022)

At least they have Right and Left handed screwdrivers available. My search for a Metric Crescent wrench goes unrewarded.

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## cammerjeff (Sep 15, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> At least they have Right and Left handed screwdrivers available. My search for a Metric Crescent wrench goes unrewarded.


On most of them just flip them over, they will say something like 1" on one side and 25mm on the other side.


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## GTX (Sep 15, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 15, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Sep 15, 2022)

Something I recall from several years back.

A guy worked at a Burger King and looked up to see two armed masked men coming in the front door. It was obvious they were going to rob the place, and he ran out the back door.

Behind the place he found a car sitting there, unlocked and idling. Clearly, it was the robber's car, positioned to make a quick getaway where it could not be seen. The Burger King employee jumped in the car and took off, driving it a few blocks down the street and parking it out of sight behind some buildings. The robbers got their loot from the place and ran out to find their car missing. They ran across the street and tried to hide in an open field, which proved to be a very ineffective tactic when the police arrived; they were quickly apprehended.

It would have been really neat if the Burger King guy got to keep the car but that did not happen.

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## special ed (Sep 15, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 15, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 15, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Sep 16, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2022)




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## GTX (Sep 16, 2022)

Oh dear...Truck believed to be carrying lubricant and dildos flips on US Highway

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## GTX (Sep 16, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 687042


Compared to the real world Texas...

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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 16, 2022)

Ukrainians doing all they can to speed up the advance:

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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 16, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 687169




It looks like he would be looking to see if he has lost anything.


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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2022)




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## Wurger (Sep 16, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 16, 2022)




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## GTX (Sep 17, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 17, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 17, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Sep 17, 2022)

LOL

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## GTX (Sep 17, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 17, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 17, 2022)

Didn't we all? 🥺😥😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Sep 17, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 17, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Sep 17, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 687489


They'll never get me. I avoid that jurisdiction like the plague.

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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2022)

Karl?

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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2022)

No sh*t Sherlock! 🙄😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Sep 18, 2022)

Corvids rule!


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## Ralph Haus (Sep 18, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 687582


You'll need more unless your just starting one?

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## Gnomey (Sep 18, 2022)




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## NVSMITH (Sep 19, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2022)




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## special ed (Sep 19, 2022)

The phone rings, a man answers, "Thank you for calling Bob's Help Line, how can I help you?"
"Hi, my name is Steve and I really need your advice on a serious problem."
"That's what we are here for. Can you share your problem?"
"I have suspected for some time my wife has been cheating."
"What made you suspect that?"
"The usual signs. The phone rings, if I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with "the girls" a lot. I try to stay awake to watch for her coming home, but I fall asleep. But, last night, near midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoned her blouse, took her panties out of her purse and put them on. It was at that moment, behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor housing bracket. Is that something I can weld or does it need to be replaced?"

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## Wurger (Sep 19, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Sep 19, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Sep 19, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 20, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 20, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 20, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 20, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 20, 2022)



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## gumbyk (Sep 20, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Sep 20, 2022)

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a dog nearby barked and ran away. I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

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## cherry blossom (Sep 20, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 20, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Sep 21, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 21, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 21, 2022)

Out and about in your van again uncle Karl 

 rochie
?

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## GTX (Sep 21, 2022)

From Ukraine...to Russia:

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 21, 2022)

HAHAHA thats too funny.


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## Snautzer01 (Sep 21, 2022)

Thanks guys. still grinning at the lot of them.


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## GTX (Sep 21, 2022)



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## javlin (Sep 21, 2022)

New to me ......

*An elderly man in Queensland, Australia, had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave.'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.*​

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## Gnomey (Sep 21, 2022)




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## buffnut453 (Sep 22, 2022)

Now that King Charles III has ascended to the throne, does that mean the UK's Post Office will be renamed C3PO?

I have my 🧥 and I'm not afraid to use it!

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## syscom3 (Sep 22, 2022)

Lol

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## special ed (Sep 22, 2022)

A man and his nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would have her shipped home for $5000.
"Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and for only $150?"
"Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 22, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Sep 23, 2022)

My kind of t-shirt

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## GTX (Sep 23, 2022)



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## Wurger (Sep 23, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Sep 23, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Sep 23, 2022)

A dad joke.

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## Wurger (Sep 24, 2022)




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## GTX (Sep 24, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 24, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Sep 24, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Sep 24, 2022)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 687172



Best thing you can do with a pork chopper


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## manta22 (Sep 24, 2022)

Cartoon:

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## Wurger (Sep 25, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 25, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Sep 25, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 25, 2022)




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## special ed (Sep 26, 2022)

A man from Texas, driving a VW beetle, pulls up next to a Rolls Royce at a light and asks through the open window, "Hey, you got a phone in that Rolls?"
"Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too, see?"
"Very nice"
The Texan asks, "You got a GPS?"
"Yes I do."
"I do too. See? Right here."
Just before the light turn green, the Texan yells, "so, do you have a double bed in the back there?"
"No, do you?"
"Yep, right in the back here."
The Texan in the VW drives off. Not to be one-upped, the Rolls owner drives to a custom shop and orders a double bed installed in the back. 
Two weeks later, job finished, The Rolls owner drives all over town looking for the VW beetle with Texas plates and finally finds it parked along side the road.
Stopping next to it, he sees the windows fogged up, and although awkward, gets out and taps on the glass. 
The window opens a crack, and the Texan peeks out.
"Remember me? I have the Rolls."
"Yeah, yeah, I remember. What's up?"
"Check this out. I just had a double bed installed."
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

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## special ed (Sep 26, 2022)

And now...
some Dad jokes:

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## GTX (Sep 26, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 26, 2022)




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## special ed (Sep 27, 2022)

Some follow on Dad Jokes:

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## GTX (Sep 27, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Sep 27, 2022)

🤔


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## Gnomey (Sep 27, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Sep 28, 2022)

Military intelligence strikes again - what are they going to do with those fighters? Shoot down the remains if the bomb goes off? Machine gun the survivors as they fall to the ground?

Sheesh









Fighter jets escort Singapore Airlines plane after bomb hoax


Two air force fighter jets escorted a Singapore Airlines passenger plane traveling from San Francisco after a bomb threat allegedly made by a passenger on board -- which turned out to be false.




edition.cnn.com

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## Snautzer01 (Sep 28, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Military intelligence strikes again - what are they going to do with those fighters? Shoot down the remains if the bomb goes off? Machine gun the survivors as they fall to the ground?
> 
> Sheesh
> 
> ...


No shoot it down when the try to fly it into a building.


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## GTX (Sep 28, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 28, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 28, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Sep 28, 2022)

Putin and Zelensky are having a nice phone chat.

Zelensky: Hey Vlad, it's Volod. Wanna hear a joke?

Putin: Sure.

Zelensky. Ok...here goes. Kyiv.

Putin: I don't get it.

Zelensky: EXACTLY!!!!!

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## Gnomey (Sep 28, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 28, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Putin and Zelensky are having a nice phone chat.
> 
> Zelensky: Hey Vlad, it's Volod. Wanna hear a joke?
> 
> ...



Stealing this…lol

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## Lucky13 (Sep 29, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 29, 2022)



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## GTX (Sep 29, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Sep 29, 2022)

5 years old me, when seeing a plane in sky...

125 years old me, same as above!!!






I prefer MP3!!!






Previously talking about translation errors, here is an example.






Once I was behind a traffic light in Tabriz, it turned green and I forgot to drive my car...

A few seconds later, the police officer knocked the window and asked: "Excuse me Madame, didn't you like any of our colours?"

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## Ralph Haus (Sep 29, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 689078


Actually needing some for a UTV that will NOT run correctly if seat belts not snapped in. This thing has doors and a steel bar that would keep anything from falling out. Now turn overs is a different story!


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## Frog (Sep 29, 2022)

Definition of a millisecond :
The time laps between the light turning green and the sound of the horn from the asshole behind your car.

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## Gnomey (Sep 29, 2022)




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## special ed (Sep 29, 2022)

A woman was having a daytime affair while hubby was at work, however one rainy day, in bed with her boyfriend, she heard her husband's car come into the driveway.
"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there."
"If my husband catches us , he'll kill us both. He has a bad temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems."
The boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running beside others. Among the the 300 or so runners, being naked with his clothes under his arm, he tried to blend in a group of runners near him who had been watching with curiosity. 
One asked, "Do you always run in the nude?"
"Oh, yes. It feels so free."
Another said, "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and drive home."
A third runner, looking lower, asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"No, only when it's raining."

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Sep 29, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Sep 30, 2022)

Funny . . he doesn't look Russian.

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## cammerjeff (Sep 30, 2022)

But he talks Fast, so he always sounds like he is rushing, sort sounds like Russian.

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## GTX (Sep 30, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Sep 30, 2022)




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## special ed (Sep 30, 2022)

A few more Dad jokes:

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## Lucky13 (Sep 30, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 1, 2022)

Enough said....

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## Wurger (Oct 1, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 1, 2022)

How does a blind gynocologist do his job?

He reads lips.

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## GTX (Oct 1, 2022)



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## GTX (Oct 1, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 1, 2022)




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## manta22 (Oct 1, 2022)

For my next number....

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## ARTESH (Oct 1, 2022)

Artillery, Tank, APC,

All 3, to "someone's" "some place"...

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## Gnomey (Oct 1, 2022)




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## GTX (Oct 1, 2022)



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## Airframes (Oct 1, 2022)

Two blondes meet in the park.
The first blonde says "Ooh, what;s that you've got there 'Chelle ??
The second blonde replies "It's a Thermos flask, Tracey. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. Great, innit !"
"Yeah, great", replied the first blonde. "What you got in in it then ?"
Chelle replied " Tomato soup and ice cream."

Yeah, I know.......... my coat's over there somewhere !!

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## Wurger (Oct 1, 2022)




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## Airframes (Oct 1, 2022)

A blonde called 'Chelle phones her friend Tracey, and the conversation went something like;
"Hi Trace. I got a big problem with this jigsaw puzzle I'm doing. I can't seem to figure it out at all, can you help?"
Tracey replies "Just look at the picture on the box, and you'll get an idea where the pieces go. What is the picture anyway ?"
To which 'Chelle answers "Well, it's a chicken, and it's all red, but there's no real background to help out."
"OK 'Chelle. I'll come round and have a look, maybe we can sort it out together. I'll bring some wine and nachos, eh ?" Tracey replied,then hung up, got in her VW Golf, and drove the 300 yards to 'Chelle's place.
'Tracey walked into 'Chelle's modern flat, and saw her friend sat on the bare laminate flooring. She stared, looked again, and then said "Chelle luv, put the cornflakes back in the box, and we'll have a glass or two of Chardonay "!!

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## Lucky13 (Oct 2, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 2, 2022)



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## manta22 (Oct 2, 2022)

Airframes said:


> Two blondes meet in the park.
> The first blonde says "Ooh, what;s that you've got there 'Chelle ??
> The second blonde replies "It's a Thermos flask, Tracey. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
> Chelle replied "How do it know"


The original variation..............

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## Shortround6 (Oct 2, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 689302


Obviously the WRONG man to ask advice.

Everybody knows that dunking Fig Newtons in scotch is much superior to dunking Oreos in whiskey


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## Greg Boeser (Oct 2, 2022)

My sister, a blonde, responded to someone telling her an off-color joke by looking at them perplexedly, and saying: "I don't get jokes. You can ask anyone."

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## special ed (Oct 2, 2022)

Blond joke pt.1






blond joke pt. 2


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## Gnomey (Oct 2, 2022)




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## GTX (Oct 3, 2022)

Vladimir Putin consulted a fortune teller and asked her:

"How long will I live?"

The fortune teller replied: "I cannot tell you that... but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

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## Lucky13 (Oct 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 3, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 3, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 3, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Oct 4, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Oct 4, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Oct 5, 2022)




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## Wurger (Oct 5, 2022)

When you want a Spitfire but you can't afford it ...

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 6, 2022)

Wait what??

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## Wurger (Oct 6, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Oct 6, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Oct 6, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Oct 6, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 7, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 7, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 7, 2022)

Man ain't that the truth!


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## Snautzer01 (Oct 8, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Oct 8, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 8, 2022)

🥲

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## Wurger (Oct 8, 2022)

True.


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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2022)

This btw, goes for cats as well! 😥

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 8, 2022)

Brits and chanting.





Your browser is not able to display this video.

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## Gnomey (Oct 8, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Oct 8, 2022)

Dad jokes

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## Gnomey (Oct 9, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 10, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 10, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Oct 10, 2022)

Why do ducks have webbed feet ? 
So they can stamp out bushfires.

Why do Elephants have large feet ?
So they can stamp out ducks that have caught fire.

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## special ed (Oct 10, 2022)

While chasing an annoying fly around the house today in an attempt to eliminate one of God's creatures, I was reminded of the time I called a radio talk show where the guest speaker was claimed to be an expert on house flies. In my smartass model airplane aerodynamicists' knowledge, I asked, "When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half loop or a half roll?"
"Well, neither actually. It approaches the ceiling in a climb and lands on it's front legs, swinging it's body inverted."
"Uh... thank you."

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## Gnomey (Oct 10, 2022)




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## special ed (Oct 11, 2022)

While making space on my shop door, I took these down and thought some here might want to see them:





















This next clipping was given me at my job, therefore the names Steve and Rita were penciled in when I received it.
Steve was the idiot reported missing from his village and Rita's computer was the sixth he wiped clean that morning while "improving" the system.
Steve is the production supervisor who tried to convince Rita we could make more money if we billed monthly rather than quarterly.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 11, 2022)

Following on from the Kerch Bridge explosion, Ukraine succeeds in hitting another key symbol of Putin's power.

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## GTX (Oct 11, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 690433


I know more than a few that these are probably relevant for...


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## Airframes (Oct 11, 2022)



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## Airframes (Oct 11, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 11, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Oct 11, 2022)




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## Frog (Oct 12, 2022)

Daughters used to cook like their mothers.
They're now used to drink like their fathers.

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## vikingBerserker (Oct 12, 2022)




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## Wurger (Oct 12, 2022)




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## GTX (Oct 12, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Oct 12, 2022)




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## Airframes (Oct 13, 2022)

Paddy walks into the Doctor's surgery, with blood pouring from one ear, and both ankles horribly burned.
The Doctor said "Good Lord, Paddy. How did you do that ?"
"It was one o' dem boil in d bag meals what did it Doc". replied Paddy.
"What! How come?" the Doctor asked, incredulously.
Paddy sighed, and then replied "Well, d instructions dey said ' Cut 'ere an' stand in boilin' water for ten minutes'."

Yeah, I know .....................

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## Gnomey (Oct 13, 2022)



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## Frog (Oct 14, 2022)

*Out of the nuclear :*


*:




*

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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2022)




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## Airframes (Oct 14, 2022)



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## Airframes (Oct 14, 2022)



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## Airframes (Oct 14, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 14, 2022)




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## GTX (Oct 14, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Oct 14, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 14, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 690719


User review: 1 star. Left marks on the floor. And walls. And ceiling.

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## Shortround6 (Oct 14, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> User review: 1 star. Left marks on the floor. And walls. And ceiling.


You still have a ceiling????

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 14, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> You still have a ceiling????


Kinda.




Photo Credit: foreignpolicy.com

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## Shortround6 (Oct 14, 2022)

Well, apparently it works on pests too.
Ants, bugs, mice etc.........................

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## WARSPITER (Oct 14, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> User review: 1 star. Left marks on the floor. And walls. And ceiling.


Add one star - visiting in-laws no longer audible.

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## VBF-13 (Oct 14, 2022)

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, "I'll have five beers, please!"

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## ThomasP (Oct 14, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Oct 14, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Oct 14, 2022)

I thought you might enjoy this quote: 

*"Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion." *

Dr. Steven Weinberg, Nobel Laureate April 1999.

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## MiTasol (Oct 15, 2022)

It is said that America's Pilgrim Fathers came to the New World fleeing religious persecution in Europe, in search of the freedom to persecute others in their own way.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 15, 2022)

Someone always has to

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 15, 2022)



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## Frog (Oct 15, 2022)

*The reflex that betrays :*

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## Gnomey (Oct 15, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Oct 15, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 15, 2022)

Every. Single. Day.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 15, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> It is said that America's Pilgrim Fathers came to the New World fleeing religious persecution in Europe, in search of the freedom to persecute others in their own way.


It's a never ending story. The persecuted use what they learned from their oppressors on the next marginalized group.


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## manta22 (Oct 15, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> I thought you might enjoy this quote:
> 
> *"Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion." *
> 
> Dr. Steven Weinberg, Nobel Laureate April 1999.


Dr. Steven Weinberg is a nitwit!

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## at6 (Oct 16, 2022)

Who the hell is Steven Weinberg? Nver heard of the scheisse lieber before now.


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## VBF-13 (Oct 16, 2022)

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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## Wurger (Oct 16, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 16, 2022)

A string walked into a bar. 
The bartender said: "We don't serve your kind here!" 
So the string left, went into the alley, and tied himself. Then he threw himself around until he was all roughed up. 
Then he went back into the bar.
The bartender said: "Hey, aren't you that string I just chased out of here?"
The string replied: "I'm a frayed knot!"

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 16, 2022)

Must be dad joke number 3. Love it.

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## Gnomey (Oct 16, 2022)




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## manta22 (Oct 16, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 16, 2022)




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## Bernhart (Oct 17, 2022)

Ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon, now we will see

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## GTX (Oct 17, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 17, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Oct 17, 2022)

That cannot be unseen now

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## MiTasol (Oct 17, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Oct 17, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Oct 17, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Oct 17, 2022)



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## at6 (Oct 17, 2022)

Bernhart said:


> Ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon, now we will see


Eggactly.

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## MiTasol (Oct 18, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Oct 18, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 691010




 MiTasol
You need to pee right now Quotes and Jokes

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 18, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Oct 18, 2022)

The mention by manta22 of the Corporal battlefield missile in the "All of Vlad's Forces . . ." thread, reminded me of something I read a few years ago.

Apparently, the term 'going south' or 'gone south' (may have) originated at JPL during the development of the Corporal missile. The Corporal rockets were fired toward the firing range, which was north of the launch pad. The rockets, however, were ~consistently heading south. Someone used the phrase 'its going south' in reference to the program and there you go . . . a new saying that became a catch phrase that in one form or another is still used today to describe a problem with something not working right.

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## manta22 (Oct 18, 2022)

ThomasP said:


> The mention by manta22 of the Corporal battlefield missile in the "All of Vlad's Forces . . ." thread, reminded me of something I read a few years ago.
> 
> Apparently, the term 'going south' or 'gone south' (may have) originated at JPL during the development of the Corporal missile. The Corporal rockets were fired toward the firing range, which was north of the launch pad. The rockets, however, were ~consistently heading south. Someone used the phrase 'its going south' in reference to the program and there you go . . . a new saying that became a catch phrase that in one form or another is still used today to describe a problem with something not working right.


Since the Corporal missile was such an early development, there were a lot of new lessons learned from that program. For one, it gained a reputation for "tail walking"; that is, it would rise up off its launcher but not build up enough thrust to rise up more than a few feet before it would tilt over, starting to fall. The inertial guidance would then straighten it up vertically by moving graphite vanes in its exhaust which caused the tail of the missile to move laterally. This continued until the rocket motor built up enough thrust to start to rise-- several seconds, by which time it would be off on its own. That problem was solved by adding hold-down clamps to the launcher so the missile would not move until thrust had built up to what was necessary. In those days the US had little experience with big rockets.

I was enrolled in the Ordnance Guided Missile School at Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville, AL and kept on there as an instructor in the Corporal Ground Guidance System until the Berlin Wall went up. Von Braun was there with NASA at that time. The salvage yard there was incredible!!!

I was under the impression that "going south" referred to a Snark missile that went south instead of north on the range at White Sands, NM, landing in a Mexican graveyard. Hence, a poem was penned... "Hark, hark, the Snark..." I could be wrong, though.

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## syscom3 (Oct 18, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Oct 18, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> MiTasol
> You need to pee right now Quotes and Jokes



Darn - you are right again

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## Gnomey (Oct 18, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Oct 19, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 19, 2022)




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## at6 (Oct 19, 2022)

Politician: Some one who puts you to sleep during political speeches.


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## GTX (Oct 19, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Oct 19, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Oct 19, 2022)

Hmmmmm.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 20, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> Hmmmmm.
> 
> View attachment 691210


And he wonders why he can't get a date.

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## Wurger (Oct 21, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2022)



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## bdefen (Oct 21, 2022)

A couple of my favorites..........

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## Wurger (Oct 21, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 21, 2022)

Sven was working a construction site, when the foreman stopped him. 
"Larsen! How come you are carrying one block at a time, when all your coworkers are carrying two?!"
"Vell, It's nuttin' I can say if dey're too lazy to make two trips!"

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## Wurger (Oct 21, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 21, 2022)

Sven was driving past his friend, Ole's, place, when he saw a sign that read "Boat fer sale", propped up against a wheelbarrow, next to an old lawnmower.
He pulled into the driveway.
"Hey, Ole! Vere's da boat? All I see is dis old lawnmower and veelbarrow!"
"Yahh, dat's right,", says Ole, "an' dey're _boat fer sale!"_

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## SaparotRob (Oct 21, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Oct 21, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Sven was driving past his friend, Ole's, place, when he saw a sign that read "Boat fer sale", propped up against a wheelbarrow, next to an old lawnmower.
> He pulled into the driveway.
> "Hey, Ole! Vere's da boat? All I see is dis old lawnmower and veelbarrow!"
> "Yahh, dat's right,", says Ole, "an' dey're _boat fer sale!"_



There's a naughty-corner awaiting your presence, Greg.

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## special ed (Oct 21, 2022)

I have been retelling "Sven" jokes to my club members as cajun jokes. Only the names have been changed. Boudreaux and Thibodeaux.

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## GTX (Oct 21, 2022)

Comedy Wildlife Photo finalists – in pictures


From smiling triggerfish to a waving raccoon, the shortlisted images for the 2022 Comedy Wildlife Photo Awards have been announced




www.theguardian.com

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## special ed (Oct 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 21, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Oct 21, 2022)

This morning I was out walking my dog a little before sunup.

We encountered a road sign, "DRAW BRIDGE"

I can't believe these people! Who carries a pencil and paper when they are out walking their dog?

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 21, 2022)

When I was in the Army, I got a new specialist assigned to our team, an attractive redhead, named Amanda Waters. She was quite a looker, with gorgeous, emerald eyes and a big pair of, um, eyebrows. Yeah, yeah. Eyebrows. Anyway, one day I thought I might get lucky, so invited her out for a drink after work. 
"No, Sarge," she said. "Lets keep this professional."
Damn.
Which just goes to show you: You can lead Amanda Waters, but you can't make her drink.

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## ThomasP (Oct 21, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Oct 21, 2022)

This is actually a true story.

Two Army Majors, surnamed Washer and Hiscock, from the same corps were planning their wedding. They discussed whether or not she would take his surname. Being something of a feminist, the bride-to-be asked if they could hyphenate their surnames. Hubby to-be, keen to keep his fiancee happy, agreed. Without thinking further, they told some of their friends. The immediate response was "Say it out loud, with either name coming first...and tell us you still think it's a good idea!"

Needless to say, the hyphenated surname idea stopped dead in its tracks.

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## Gnomey (Oct 21, 2022)




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## GTX (Oct 21, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 21, 2022)

Sam was out sailing one day, when he was caught in a sudden violent storm. He fought the wind and waves valiantly, but his tiny boat finally succumbed to the storms wrath. Clinging to wreckage he drifted for three days, before eventually washing up on the shore of a small deserted island, far from any shipping lanes. Over the next few days, he cobbled together a crude shelter from driftwood, seaweed, and other flotsam he found washed up on the beach. He subsisted on captured rainwater, and the occasional small fish he caught in a tidal pool near the beach. A week went by with no sign of rescue. Then, early one evening, he heard the sound of aircraft engines, and a tiny dot on the horizon appeared. It quickly grew into an aircraft as it approached the island.
Whooping with excitement, Sam lit his signal fire and waved his tattered shirt wildly in the air. The plane swooped low, circled the island three times and then pulled up. A dark object dropped from the plane, and as a parachute blossomed above it, Sam realized rescue was at hand. The parachutist steered the chute toward the island and just before touching the surface of the sea, released the chute, plunging into the surf. A few moments later, the black-clad figure emerged from the surf and doffed its crash helmet. Long golden tresses flowed across the shoulders of one of the most beautiful women Sam had ever seen.
"I'm Terri Klaath, of the Airborne Search and Rescue Service. I'm here to help guide the rescue ship in and take care of your needs until it arrives."
"You don't know how lucky you are. We were on our final search leg of the day, and they were planning on cancelling the search tomorrow."
Sam was speechless.
"Care for a smoke?" The woman said, as she unzipped a pocket on her sleeve. She pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lit two and gave one to Sam.
"Thanks." Mumbled Sam. "I haven't had a cigarette since my boat went down. This is amazing!"
"It gets better. How about a brewskie?"
She unzipped a pouch on her hip and pulled out two cans of beer. Ice cold!
"This is fantastic!" Raved Sam, taking a big swig of the frothy beverage.
The woman slid closer to him, touched his arm, and with a sly wink said:
"You know, that rescue ship won't be here for a few hours. We've got time for a little fun. Want to play around?" She began to unzip her wetsuit.
"Holy crap!" Exclaimed Sam. "You mean you've got a set of golf clubs in there?!"

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 22, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 691405


Fixed it

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## Wurger (Oct 22, 2022)




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## Frog (Oct 22, 2022)

*4000 years later and still the same language :*

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## Wurger (Oct 22, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Oct 22, 2022)

Origami pig puzzle

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 22, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 691379


I need a few of these.

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## at6 (Oct 23, 2022)

Frog said:


> *4000 years later and still the same language :*
> 
> View attachment 691453


Some things are timeless.

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## VBF-13 (Oct 23, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Oct 23, 2022)

What else but a "bacon"?

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 23, 2022)

🤔

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## Wurger (Oct 23, 2022)



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## GTX (Oct 23, 2022)

Oh dear...

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## at6 (Oct 23, 2022)

Her holes? I'll pass thank you.


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## bdefen (Oct 23, 2022)

special ed said:


> I have been retelling "Sven" jokes to my club members as cajun jokes. Only the names have been changed. Boudreaux and Thibodeaux.


Visiting friends in the NOLA area a few years ago, we were treated to a couple hours of Boudreaux and Thibodeaux joke by a real cajun. He'd get into the patois, and we all couldn't stop laughing, well before the punch lines.

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## MiTasol (Oct 23, 2022)

and with minor changes those jokes were Polish when I lived in LA and Ukrainian when I lived in Alberta and are Irish here in Aus

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## Gnomey (Oct 23, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 23, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> and with minor changes those jokes were Polish when I lived in LA and Ukrainian when I lived in Alberta and are Irish here in Aus


My neighbor Stasiu showed up at my house last night, frantically pounding on my door.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I tink my vife is trying to kill me! Ven I come home from verk tonight I found a bottle of _Polish _remover on da kitchen table!"

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## special ed (Oct 23, 2022)

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife and tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs. He misjudged the bottom step and caught himself, grabbing the banister, he swung around and landed heavily on his behind. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke leaving his landing especially painful. He managed not to yell and pulled down his pants, the hall mirror revealing both cheeks cut and bleeding. He found a box of bandaids and the best he could, tried to cover each wound before shuffling off to bed. In the morning, waking to intense pain in both his head and butt, he sees Mary staring at him.
"You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
"Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"It could be the open front door, It could be the the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it is all those bandaids stuck on the hall mirror."

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 23, 2022)

That reminds me of last Christmas. I bought a case of scotch to give to my brother and in-laws as gifts. It was snowing pretty hard when I got home and there was a good foot of snow on ground. I grabbed the case out of the trunk and started up the snow and ice covered steps, slipped and dropped the case of booze. Every single bottle broke, and the whole driveway got ploughed.

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## manta22 (Oct 23, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> and with minor changes those jokes were Polish when I lived in LA and Ukrainian when I lived in Alberta and are Irish here in Aus


 I remember an Aussie telling me that a particular Irishman had "been a deckhand on a submarine".

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## WARSPITER (Oct 23, 2022)

at6 said:


> Her holes? I'll pass thank you.


I think the journalist was taking a holistic view.

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## WARSPITER (Oct 23, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> That reminds me of last Christmas. I bought a case of scotch to give to my brother and in-laws as gifts. It was snowing pretty hard when I got home and there was a good foot of snow on ground. I grabbed the case out of the trunk and started up the snow and ice covered steps, slipped and dropped the case of booze. Every single bottle broke, and the whole driveway got ploughed.


If it's still snowing you will definitely need your hat and coat.

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## WARSPITER (Oct 24, 2022)

The most terrifying word in nuclear physics - Oops .

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## special ed (Oct 24, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 24, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Oct 24, 2022)

Three fish in a tank. One turns to the other two and asks ," How do you drive this thing?".

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 24, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 691662


Funny, I was just thinking of how many hours are wasted waiting for the kids to show you that hilarious Tiktok video.

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## Gnomey (Oct 24, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Oct 24, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Three fish in a tank. One turns to the other two and asks ," How do you drive this thing?".



The Pentagon has been described as a log floating down the Potomac with 20,000 ants on board, each yelling instructions on steering it. I found it a lot less rational than that. 

As to parking lot pranks, a friend of mine said that he knew a guy in his home state of Arkansas who used to do one. He attached an additional starter under the hood of his car with a short length of chain hooked to the drive and a metal bucket over it. He would find someone sitting in a car in a parking lot, begin to pull into the spot next to them, pretend to be having trouble getting into the spot, then jam on his brakes and hit the button to activate the starter/bucket device. The result would be a very loud smashing noise, causing the person in the car to rush outside, only to find no evidence of a collision.

He also described how they used to build bombs and set up a timed fuse on them, place them in a remote area and just wait for them to go off. One day they set up such an infernal device on a scenic parking spot at a new lake that was just beginning to fill, a very low traffic area. They positioned themselves at a higher elevation further up the road and waited for the detonation. Much to their horror a man on a motorcycle pulled into the same scenic spot, got off his cycle, and walked around, enjoying the view. They realized they had no time to go down and warn him about the bomb and were relieved when he mounted his cycle again. It was going to be close, very close! The bomb went off just as the man was pulling out of the parking spot. He went through every gear on the motorcycle at least twice and was substantially airborne when he passed them. 

Musta not been much good on TV in Arkansas.....

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## MiTasol (Oct 24, 2022)

We used to fill an exhaust with talc then cover the end with a black rubber glove tied on real tight. Pushed the ends of the glove in the pipe and waited.
Driver would start car, glove would expand like a balloon and burst with a cloud of talc.
Driver would think their engine had crapped out.

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## special ed (Oct 24, 2022)

A plastic bag stuffed into the exhaust will allow a short engine run on start up and, when pressure is up, it is blown out on fire. Not for the dry season in some areas. 

After retirement, another ex-Kodak service rep and I went to work for a Kodak dealer. The two of us left an experience void at the great yellow mother, so the younger Kodak reps would come around to ask questions. One of them always wore very dark sun glasses. On one visit, instead of his usual pushing them up on top of his head, he took them off and sat them on a work bench. With my fellow prankster providing distraction, applied black electrical tape to the inside of the lenses. We stood at the door to view results. He jumped in his car, began to race off, flipped them down over his eyes and stomped the brakes. 

Another funny was to epoxy a quarter to the work bench and watch. One guy finally got it, but the next quarter was silver soldered to a good sized nail and driven into the bench. It was there when we retired again.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 24, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> The most terrifying word in nuclear physics - Oops .


That applies to the aircraft cockpit as well. Along with the words, “Oh shit,” and “Hey, watch this” (The last one when said by a young LT fresh out of flight school).

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## manta22 (Oct 24, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> We used to fill an exhaust with talc then cover the end with a black rubber glove tied on real tight. Pushed the ends of the glove in the pipe and waited.
> Driver would start car, glove would expand like a balloon and burst with a cloud of talc.
> Driver would think their engine had crapped out.


A raw potato pushed on to the tailpipe provides ballistic entertainment as well.

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## WARSPITER (Oct 24, 2022)

I got offered a job as an invisible man but I couldn't see myself doing it.

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## SaparotRob (Oct 24, 2022)

(and yet I laughed)

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## special ed (Oct 24, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 24, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 24, 2022)

And now for a Dad joke:

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## Shortround6 (Oct 24, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> I got offered a job as an invisible man but I couldn't see myself doing it.


Tonight the part of Lamont Cranston will be played by Claude Rains.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 24, 2022)

When I was in high school, one snowy winter day a bunch of us were sitting in the Commons, when a girl came in from the parking lot.
"My car won't start!" She announced.
"Who wants to jump me?"

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## WARSPITER (Oct 25, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> Tonight the part of Lamont Cranston will be played by Claude Rains.


And tomorrow the victim in Cat's Revenge will be played by Claude Balls.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 25, 2022)

I've started using garlic in my magic act. First I crush it, then I add pine nuts and basil and blend it with parmesan and olive oil and finally...hey, pesto!!

Go on....I dare you not to smile at this!

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## Airframes (Oct 25, 2022)

Coat !

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## buffnut453 (Oct 25, 2022)

Airframes said:


> Coat !



I seldom remove it.

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## Shortround6 (Oct 25, 2022)

Ran across this looking for the Shadow

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## Gnomey (Oct 25, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Oct 25, 2022)

About 1970 I was with a small group who had dinner with Ormond Haydon-Baillie who was at that time on secondment from the RAF to the RCAF. I forget his rank but it was high for a young person.

One of the group asked how are you a ?? at such a young age.

His reply, in a very plummy voice, was "In the Royal Air Force your promotion levels depend on your ability to pronounce the word "actually" correctly"

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## MiTasol (Oct 26, 2022)

Yep
Got my hat and coat and running shoes and ..................................

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 26, 2022)

Dogs go "meoow" if you freeze them and then run them through the table saw.

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## at6 (Oct 26, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> About 1970 I was with a small group who had dinner with Ormond Haydon-Baillie who was at that time on secondment from the RAF to the RCAF. I forget his rank but it was high for a young person.
> 
> One of the group asked how are you a ?? at such a young age.
> 
> His reply, in a very plummy voice, was "In the Royal Air Force your promotion levels depend on your ability to pronounce the word "actually" correctly"


I remember when he used to race at Reno. It was ad to hear news of his death in a crash some years later.


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## Frog (Oct 26, 2022)

Vegans have no logic : they have vegetables transformed and processed to look and taste like meat.

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## Gnomey (Oct 26, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Oct 26, 2022)



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## manta22 (Oct 26, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> View attachment 692011


Depressing thought.

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## special ed (Oct 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 26, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 26, 2022)

Oooh! You naughty!


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## Greg Boeser (Oct 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 26, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Oct 27, 2022)



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## Frog (Oct 27, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 692059



There is some truth in that observation. When you concealed carry, striped or checkered clothes tend to mitigate the printing effect of the gun compared to plain color ones...

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## SaparotRob (Oct 27, 2022)

Good to know.


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## Snautzer01 (Oct 27, 2022)

My hero.

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## Snautzer01 (Oct 27, 2022)

My hero.

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## special ed (Oct 27, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Oct 27, 2022)




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## Wurger (Oct 27, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 27, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 27, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 27, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692147


You should not be smokin' when fueling your car?

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## buffnut453 (Oct 27, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692147



There's a car in that photo?

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## Lucky13 (Oct 27, 2022)



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## manta22 (Oct 27, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> View attachment 692059


It looks like chain mail; if it were, it would weigh probably 200 lbs!

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## at6 (Oct 27, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692147


Filling two tanks at one time.

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## don4331 (Oct 28, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692147


Filler for Camaro is behind the license plate in the back.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 28, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 28, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 28, 2022)

😳😲😆😆😆😂😂😂


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## Gnomey (Oct 28, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Oct 28, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Oct 28, 2022)

I want one!


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## buffnut453 (Oct 28, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I want one!



So does Putin.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 28, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> So does Putin.


If he'd stop leaving his laying around in other people's yards, he wouldn't need one.

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## at6 (Oct 28, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692147





don4331 said:


> Filler for Camaro is behind the license plate in the back.


It would seem that hers is too.

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## ThomasP (Oct 29, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Oct 29, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Oct 29, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 29, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 29, 2022)



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## Frog (Oct 29, 2022)

What is the purpose of a think tank ?
An armored vehicle has no need to be intellectual.

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## SaparotRob (Oct 29, 2022)

Frog said:


> What is the purpose of a think tank ?
> An armored vehicle has no need to be intellectual.


They're used by the Thought Police.

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## Gnomey (Oct 29, 2022)




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## special ed (Oct 29, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 29, 2022)



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## ThomasP (Oct 30, 2022)

AHA ! I knew it was on purpose. I just blamed the wrong people.

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## at6 (Oct 30, 2022)

They also steal one sock from every pair.

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 30, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 692224


My sister suggested pilates.
I said, Is that the one with the red sauce or the verde?

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## WARSPITER (Oct 30, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> My sister suggested pilates.
> I said, Is that the one with the red sauce or the verde?


Oh man I should start an online hat and coat shop and advertise here......

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## buffnut453 (Oct 30, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Oh man I should start an online hat and coat shop and advertise here......



You wouldn’t sell many. Everyone on this forum already has them….and some never take them off.

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## Gnomey (Oct 30, 2022)




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## at6 (Oct 30, 2022)

I got my hat and coat from Goodwill.


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## SaparotRob (Oct 31, 2022)

I got my hat and coat from a guy when he wasn't looking.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 31, 2022)

Hey fellas....anyone seen my hat and coat? I had it a few moments ago but now I can't find it.

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## Shortround6 (Oct 31, 2022)

Some of us needs spares........................................




Multiple spares so they are always ready to hand for fast getaways.

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## WARSPITER (Oct 31, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Hey fellas....anyone seen my hat and coat? I had it a few moments ago but now I can't find it.


I've got a nice range you can choose from - they are all environmentally good as they are virtual.

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## GTX (Oct 31, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Oct 31, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> I've got a nice range you can choose from - they are all environmentally good as they are virtual.



Yeah...that's what they said about Bitcoin.

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## special ed (Oct 31, 2022)



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## special ed (Oct 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 31, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Oct 31, 2022)



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## Wurger (Oct 31, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Oct 31, 2022)




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## Capt. Vick (Oct 31, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Oct 31, 2022)

And it makes it easier to conceal a firearm.

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## manta22 (Oct 31, 2022)

Capt. Vick said:


> View attachment 692557


Chain mail armor?

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## buffnut453 (Oct 31, 2022)

I'm having deju vu all over again.

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## Shortround6 (Oct 31, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> I'm having deju vu all over again.


Yogi Berra.............................1961

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 31, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> I'm having deju vu all over again.


There really should be some sort of penalty for duplicate posting of memes within a certain time frame.

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## buffnut453 (Oct 31, 2022)

Y'know, maybe there should be some sort of penalty for duplicate posting of memes within a certain time frame.




Sorry...just couldn't resist. Coat donned, I'll find my own way to the door, thank you!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Oct 31, 2022)



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## gumbyk (Oct 31, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 692565


Accurate... except for that last one...


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## syscom3 (Oct 31, 2022)

Good idea!

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## Greg Boeser (Oct 31, 2022)

Brilliant!

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## buffnut453 (Oct 31, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692553



I think that goblin ghost has something in her eye. Perhaps I can help get it out? I'm sure I won't need tweezers.

I am, after all, an expert in eye massage.

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## at6 (Nov 1, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Y'know, maybe there should be some sort of penalty for duplicate posting of memes within a certain time frame.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





GrauGeist said:


> But is the foil _actually_ tin or is it really just aluminum?


Please don't take my hat.

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## at6 (Nov 1, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692553


I'll take two. Thank you.


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## VBF-13 (Nov 1, 2022)

Two men walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have some H2O." The other one says, "I'll have some H2O, too." The second one dies.

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 1, 2022)

That's what you get for drinking it neat.

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## WARSPITER (Nov 1, 2022)

Why don't you ever see a pig hiding in a tree ?

Because they are really good at it.

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## special ed (Nov 1, 2022)

What's the black stuff between elephants toes?

Slow natives.

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## Crimea_River (Nov 1, 2022)



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## VBF-13 (Nov 1, 2022)

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. At a par three, an island green in the middle of a lake, Jesus and Moses have have found the green with their shots. The old man can't decide which club to use so the other two walk toward the green. At the lake Moses raises his club and the water parts and he walks onto the green. Jesus walks across the water and onto the green. The old man is finally ready and tees off. He mishits it and the ball is heading for the water. Before the ball submerges a fish leaps up and grabs the ball but before it can fall back an eagle swoops from the sky, grabs the fish, soars above the green and the fish drops the ball straight into the hole. Jesus looks back and shouts, IF YOU DON'T STOP MESSING AROUND, DAD, WE ARE NOT PLAYING ANYMORE!

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## special ed (Nov 1, 2022)

Why do elephants wear tennis shoes?

So they don't hurt their feet jumping out of trees.

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## special ed (Nov 1, 2022)

The archeologist crept into the crypt, crapped and crept out.

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## special ed (Nov 1, 2022)

It's a damned shame I can remember this stuff from high school, but I can't find my glasses from this morning!

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 1, 2022)

Did you look on top of your head?

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## special ed (Nov 1, 2022)

Nothing there, not even hair. Nothing inside either.

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## Gnomey (Nov 1, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 1, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 2, 2022)

𝓟𝓸𝓸𝓻 𝓠𝓾𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓐𝓷𝓷𝓮, 𝓵𝓮𝓯𝓽 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓵𝓾𝓻𝓬𝓱, 𝓯𝓪𝓬𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪 𝓹𝓾𝓫, 𝓫𝓪𝓬𝓴 𝓽𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓬𝓱𝓾𝓻𝓬𝓱!

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## Gnomey (Nov 2, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Nov 2, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 2, 2022)

I _knew _it!

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## buffnut453 (Nov 2, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 692824



Same-same for the pictures of the moon landing in 1969, right?

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 2, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Same-same for the pictures of the moon landing in 1969, right?


Duuuuh!!!!
Then the Chinese bought the set and has been using it since 2013.

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## special ed (Nov 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 2, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 2, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 3, 2022)




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## Wurger (Nov 3, 2022)




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## Frog (Nov 3, 2022)

If your spouse complains she is always the only one to cook, you can argue that according to international conventions, prisoners have to be fed.

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## Gnomey (Nov 4, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

Does Brian know?

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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

Glad to hear they have a lessons learned program

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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

Sounds like a reasonable request.

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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

I guess it is all that digging...

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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

Okay, so can we take that one down?

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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

Got any other animals we should know about?

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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

Glad they cleared that up.

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 5, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Does Brian know?
> 
> View attachment 693182


Collage ejucated.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 5, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Does Brian know?
> 
> View attachment 693182



I don’t know, but I just asked my friend Brian.

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## MIflyer (Nov 5, 2022)

Must be in the same neighborhood.

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## Gnomey (Nov 5, 2022)




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## at6 (Nov 5, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Does Brian know?
> 
> View attachment 693182


Don't make too much fun of her. She just might your next Congressional Representative.

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## MIflyer (Nov 6, 2022)

at6 said:


> Don't make too much fun of her. She just might your next Congressional Representative.


Only if she can demonstrate a proficiency in mathematics similar to her spelling skills.

That's the kind of girl that would go looking for well paying work and end up in a Wharehouse.

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 6, 2022)

They said I wouldn't need to be on my feet all day? 
But they said I'd definitely get to use Brians and my veggies.

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 6, 2022)

I found Brian

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## Wurger (Nov 6, 2022)

Where?

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## Capt. Vick (Nov 6, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 6, 2022)




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## Wurger (Nov 6, 2022)

A well-known cardiologist died and there was a very ceremonial funeral. During the funeral service there was a large heart covered with flowers behind the coffin.
When the speeches and prayers were over the heart opened and the coffin was moved inside. Then the beautiful heart closed and the doctor's body was buried in there forever. 
At the same moment someone of the funeral participants burst out laughing loudly. All eyes were to him. So he said :
- I am very sorry but I just imagined myself my own funeral. I am a gynecologist.

A proctologist fainted.

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## MIflyer (Nov 6, 2022)

Don't you wish you had available a few hundred of these signs?

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 6, 2022)

My favorite is "Public Property, Keep Out"
Huh?!!!

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## MIflyer (Nov 6, 2022)

In Midwest City OK when I got there in 1974 there was a large lot on the corner of one of the major intersections that held a deactivated USAF RAPCON facility that was soon traded to the city by the Air Force in return for the city's purchase and dismantling of a housing area that was in line with the main runway at Tinker AFB.

The property had a no trespassing sign posted, but when citizens asked about getting access to that property the city replied, "We have no provision for citizens petitioning for access to city property." Uh, isn't that against both the spirit and the basic concepts of the U.S. Constitution?

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 6, 2022)

Wurger said:


> Where?


Next to me. I was searching for a colour picture.

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## Wurger (Nov 6, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Nov 6, 2022)




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## special ed (Nov 6, 2022)



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## at6 (Nov 7, 2022)

Testicles are soon to be outlawed in California.

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## Wurger (Nov 7, 2022)

In a court ....

- The indictee lived with her husband for 40 years and then she killed him. Why?

- Your Honour , somehow, I was leaving it over and over.

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## special ed (Nov 7, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 7, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Nov 7, 2022)




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## at6 (Nov 7, 2022)

Not only will California outlaw testicles, it will be a felony to possess any.

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## WARSPITER (Nov 7, 2022)

at6 said:


> Not only will California outlaw testicles, it will be a felony to possess any.


Is that like a 'hanging' offence ?

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## ThomasP (Nov 8, 2022)

Does that mean that if we move to California my wife will be a felon?

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## Wurger (Nov 8, 2022)

at6 said:


> Not only will California outlaw testicles, it will be a felony to possess any.



For personal use too?

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## WARSPITER (Nov 8, 2022)

Wurger said:


> For personal use too?


Only if they are less than 10 grams.

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## Wurger (Nov 8, 2022)



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## at6 (Nov 8, 2022)

Just wait for new Prop 65 labeling for Viagra and Cialis. WARNING: Use of this product may cause pregnancy in women under 50 years of age.

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## SaparotRob (Nov 8, 2022)

Last time I tried it, I didn’t have any water. It got stuck in my throat. I wound up with a stiff neck.

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## Wurger (Nov 8, 2022)

The Viagra was invented by Germans in 30'. But they got their right hands stiff.

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## vikingBerserker (Nov 8, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 8, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 8, 2022)

vikingBerserker said:


> View attachment 693657



*M*y 
*A*ss
*R*ides
*I*n
*N*avy
*E*quipment
and
*S*hips

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## Wurger (Nov 8, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Nov 8, 2022)

Today is election day in the USA.
Get out and vote!

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## Wurger (Nov 8, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Nov 9, 2022)

Highly innovative! But I think the whole neighborhood is lucky that they probably did not have access to a helicopter.

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## Airframes (Nov 9, 2022)

I can hear the banjos ......................

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## Frog (Nov 9, 2022)

Culture : when you know that tomatoes are fruits.
Wisdom : when you avoid them in the fruit salad.

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## Gnomey (Nov 9, 2022)




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## special ed (Nov 9, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 10, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 10, 2022)

In honor of the Marine Corps birthday today…

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## special ed (Nov 10, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 10, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 11, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 11, 2022)




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## GTX (Nov 12, 2022)



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## GTX (Nov 12, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Nov 12, 2022)

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have ittle to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO.
*Better watch what you ask retired people…
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say!*

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## special ed (Nov 12, 2022)

I was in line to check out with canned cat food and other things, when the young lady behind me asked if I had a cat. I said, "No, I'm making meatloaf tonight." We old guys think alike.

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## at6 (Nov 13, 2022)

At the checkout one night I referred to canned dog food as beef stew helper.

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## ThomasP (Nov 13, 2022)

I must confess, many times in the past the enticing aroma of canned cat food has tempted me to try it. Sometimes even now, when I walk down the cat food aisle in the supermarket I am tempted by the memory of the smell. I think I did try some when I was small . . . and I think I liked it.

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## special ed (Nov 13, 2022)

I tasted the sliced beef. It needs salt.

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## Frog (Nov 13, 2022)

The first time I went to the US, I had been warned about the things I had to avoid messing around :
- alcool
- guns
- cops
- girls
- politics
I then avoided going drunk and discuss politics with armed female cops.

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## GTX (Nov 13, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 13, 2022)

Ya' know, ya' see memes like this and ya' wish it was true.

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## manta22 (Nov 13, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 694276


For an "incompetent" he has done rather well for himself...........

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 13, 2022)



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## manta22 (Nov 13, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 694310


Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 13, 2022)

manta22 said:


> Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh



It’s terrible beer…

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## at6 (Nov 13, 2022)

And now we know why.

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## Gnomey (Nov 14, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Nov 14, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Nov 14, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 694310


Fixed it.

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## special ed (Nov 14, 2022)

Did I just see Der Adler call it beer? I'm sure he misspoke!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Nov 14, 2022)

special ed said:


> Did I just see Der Adler call it beer? I'm sure he misspoke!



Good point. It’s piss water.

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## GTX (Nov 14, 2022)

manta22 said:


> For an "incompetent" he has done rather well for himself...........


Once upon a time...though recent actions would imply otherwise.

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 14, 2022)

Peter Principle in effect.

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## manta22 (Nov 14, 2022)

GTX said:


> Once upon a time...though recent actions would imply otherwise.


We'll need to wait and see...

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## Frog (Nov 15, 2022)

*HOW TO BE A TERRIBLE MANAGER*
• In making work assignments, always sign out the unimportant jobs first. See that important jobs are assigned to inefficient workers.
• Insist on perfect work in relatively unimportant products; send back for refinishing those which have the least flaw.
• To lower morale and with it, production, be pleasant to inefficient workers ; give them undeserved promotions.
• Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done.
• Multiply the procedures and clearances involved in issuing instructions, pay checks, and so on. See that three people have to approve everything where one would do.

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 15, 2022)

Are you in the military?

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 15, 2022)

Frog said:


> *HOW TO BE A TERRIBLE MANAGER*
> • In making work assignments, always sign out the unimportant jobs first. See that important jobs are assigned to inefficient workers.
> • Insist on perfect work in relatively unimportant products; send back for refinishing those which have the least flaw.
> • To lower morale and with it, production, be pleasant to inefficient workers ; give them undeserved promotions.
> ...


Always boast about your degree and certifications.
Have zero prior work experience in your department's tasks.

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## special ed (Nov 15, 2022)

One account I had before retirement, had a "worker" who was nearly always missing. He was the joke in the plant. One day I came, and there he was out in the open where every one could see him. I said, "They finally caught him I see". I was told management made him a supervisor because, since they weren't getting any work out of him anyway, he was promoted because he knew all the hiding places.

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## Frog (Nov 15, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Are you in the military?


Nope, but I used to activate such a managerial position...

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## GTX (Nov 15, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Nov 15, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Nov 15, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 15, 2022)




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## special ed (Nov 15, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Nov 16, 2022)



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## manta22 (Nov 16, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 694592


Bat girl

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## MiTasol (Nov 16, 2022)

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 16, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
> 
> On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
> 
> ...


Resourceful!

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## special ed (Nov 16, 2022)

An Amish lady buggy driver is pulled over. "I'm not going to cite you. I just wanted to warn you the reflector on the back of the buggy is broken and could be dangerous."
"I thank thee. I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also, I notice one of your reins is wrapped around the horse's testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so your husband should check that too."
"Again, I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
As soon as she reached home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. "Also, the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

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## Wurger (Nov 16, 2022)




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## vikingBerserker (Nov 16, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Nov 16, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Nov 17, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Nov 17, 2022)

One of my favourite quotes is anonymous but is demonstrated in many of the items in this thread

Old age and treachery beat youth and enthusiasm

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## special ed (Nov 17, 2022)

I used the knowledge of age over youth once when playing vollyball. One of the players on the other side was a career pizza delivery man. Whenever the ball went to him, I threw a nickel near his feet. He always looked down and missed the ball. He caught on when he realised they were all nickles and I had to throw a couple of quarters before he ignored the tinkle of coins. I figure I spent close to a dollar, but it was worth it.

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## GTX (Nov 17, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 17, 2022)

Reminds me of something I saw about oxygen starvation on PBS years ago. 
“I cut this piece 3 times and it’s still too short “.

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## MiTasol (Nov 17, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Nov 17, 2022)

I laughed loudly to the annoyance of the cat. Go see the series


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## Snautzer01 (Nov 17, 2022)

love this series very funny

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## Gnomey (Nov 17, 2022)




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## manta22 (Nov 17, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
> 
> On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
> 
> ...


The sequel to this: 
"The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me *twice*?"
The farmer asked "Twice"? 
The old lady replied "Well, we're coming back the same way, aren't we?"

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## manta22 (Nov 18, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Nov 18, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 18, 2022)




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## GTX (Nov 19, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Nov 19, 2022)

That's what it's all about.

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## MIflyer (Nov 19, 2022)

One of my favorite Quotes:

"Outside of a Dog, a Book is Man's Best Friend"

"Inside of a Dog, it's Too Dark to Read."

Groucho Marx

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## Wurger (Nov 19, 2022)




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## GTX (Nov 19, 2022)

Man announces he will quit drinking by 2050


He has assured friends it will not affect his drinking plans in the short or medium term.




www.theshovel.com.au

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## special ed (Nov 19, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 19, 2022)

I'm cool with that.


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## VBF-13 (Nov 19, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 19, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Nov 19, 2022)

Does it come with a side of bacon?

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## ThomasP (Nov 20, 2022)

This just in - Ukraine requesting large numbers of the ECD Mk II and ECD Mk V weapon systems:

ECD Mk II*





and

ECD Mk V*





* ECD aka Explosion Causing Device

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## ThomasP (Nov 20, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Nov 20, 2022)

"Good flight, but have the mechanics look at the number 2 engine. It seems to be running a bit rough."

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## Wurger (Nov 20, 2022)

At least the cylinder head cooling seems to be better.

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## MIflyer (Nov 20, 2022)

One morning the guy who has the hanger next to mine asked me help him take the cowling off his taildragger homebuilt. He had tried to taxi it the day before and ran into problems, like NO BRAKES and having to throw the turbine driven prop into reverse to stop it as well as goose the throttle to turn it.

I got on the Right side and he got on the Left and we lifted the cowling off. I saw nothing remarkable and said that; he responded similarly. Then I looked at the Left side.

HUGE DENT in the top of the turbine case!

HOLES through the side of the turbine case!

TURBINE BLADES rattling around in the bottom of the cowling!

Oh, and a cannon plug dangling loose from the engine, which probably explains why I had to reach down and turn off the fuel valves for him when he could not shut down the engine after coming within about 3 inches of hitting the Right wingtip on a hangar.

That airplane has not moved since. He said, "Well, I am glad that happened on the ground and not in the air."

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## MiTasol (Nov 20, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> "Good flight, but have the mechanics look at the number 2 engine. It seems to be running a bit rough."
> 
> View attachment 695300


If it wasn't for the wrinkled cowling I would have said definitely Photoshop. From my experience the oil only takes seconds to cover the nacelle.

Still think Photoshop tho


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## Snautzer01 (Nov 20, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> If it wasn't for the wrinkled cowling I would have said definitely Photoshop. From my experience the oil only takes seconds to cover the nacelle.
> 
> Still think Photoshop tho


Agree. That cylinder would act like a dum dum bullit and make a very large exit hole. Look how tight it is.


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## gumbyk (Nov 20, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Agree. That cylinder would act like a dum dum bullit and make a very large exit hole. Look how tight it is.


The exit hole looks smaller than the head.
That engine also looks like it hasn't run for a long time - the oil leaking from the prop shaft is well caked with dust.

It's either photoshop, or has been staged.

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## Gnomey (Nov 20, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Nov 20, 2022)

Yup!

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## MIflyer (Nov 20, 2022)

I read of P-47 unit based in the Marianas Islands in WWII. For target practice they would fly over to an island the Japanese still occupied and bomb and strafe. But one day they attacked that island with 45 P-47's and the Japanese managed to hit one of them, bending the upper cowling back. The P-47 was in no danger of crashing, but the leader told the pilot of the damaged airplane that he better head for Guam rather than go all the way back their base.

The pilot flew the damaged P-47 to Guam and landed with no problem. They parked him right next to a newly arrived C-54 that had carried in new troops in from the USA. The rookies gathered around the damaged P-47 and looked at it with wide eyes. One of them said to the pilot, "Kinda rough out there, huh?"

The P-47 pilot replied, "Rough? Rough? Let me tell you something! We took off with 45 P-47's this morning to hit an enemy target and I'm the only one that made it to Guam!"

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## at6 (Nov 20, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 694849


How did you know that I'm 72?


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## at6 (Nov 20, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Does it come with a side of bacon?


Sorry. Spam only.

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## MiTasol (Nov 21, 2022)

at6 said:


> How did you know that I'm 72?



Young pup

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 21, 2022)

at6 said:


> How did you know that I'm 72?


I saw you drive by

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## Gnomey (Nov 21, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Nov 21, 2022)

I was bored and have a lazy cat.

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## special ed (Nov 21, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 21, 2022)

Typical.

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## syscom3 (Nov 21, 2022)

Hmmmmmmm.

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## syscom3 (Nov 21, 2022)

My tee shirt I am wearing on turkey day.

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 22, 2022)

Winston is an award winning napper.

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## special ed (Nov 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 22, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 22, 2022)

I went to the hardware store yesterday and bought a bag of ice melt and a new 12 volt for the snowblower. 
Next thing you know. I got charged with 
a salt and battery.

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## SaparotRob (Nov 22, 2022)



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## GTX (Nov 22, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 22, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Nov 22, 2022)




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## special ed (Nov 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 22, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Nov 23, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 695614



Before the second in the queue aircraft attempts a take-off, I hope the pilot allows enough time for the vortices generated by the first aircraft to dissipate. That's good airmanship right there.

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## MIflyer (Nov 23, 2022)

I was told that back in the 1950's there was a US Navy enlisted man who was learning to fly a Piper Cub at Lindbergh Field. One day the tower cleared him to take off right behind a C-124. Fortunately he did not get very high off the ground before he hit the wake turbulence, which folded the wings up like someone clapping.

An investigation cleared him of any wrong doing and a month later he was ready to resume his training. The tower once more cleared him for takeoff behind a C-124, with the same results. The Navy guy gave up on flying after that.

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## syscom3 (Nov 23, 2022)

It’s true!

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## Gnomey (Nov 23, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Nov 23, 2022)

Thanksgiving day tip.

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## syscom3 (Nov 23, 2022)

Lol

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## v2 (Nov 24, 2022)

...

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## Wurger (Nov 24, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Nov 24, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Nov 25, 2022)

Someone wrote this on Twitter:

Japan has revenged Germany for ww2 !

someone else commented:

They were allies, not enemies!

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## Wurger (Nov 25, 2022)



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## GTX (Nov 25, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 25, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Nov 25, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 695995


also, lighter, cheaper, faster to produce and more reliable!

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 25, 2022)

Today, I let my daughter get some driving in, in preparation for her driving test. She did well, but sprained her middle finger signalling.

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## special ed (Nov 25, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 25, 2022)




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## at6 (Nov 26, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 695995


They soon signed up for bent Carrot.


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## CAC Woomera (Nov 26, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 26, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Nov 26, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 26, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Nov 26, 2022)

Thats my kittie

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## Snautzer01 (Nov 26, 2022)

The main reason i cant model...Theodore....

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## Gnomey (Nov 26, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Nov 26, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> The main reason i cant model...Theodore....
> 
> 
> View attachment 696128


I really want to have a cat or dog ... But living in a small apartment, prevents!


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## Lucky13 (Nov 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 26, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 27, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 27, 2022)

I know that you're out there!

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## Lucky13 (Nov 27, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Nov 27, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Nov 27, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> I know that you're out there!
> 
> View attachment 696278


So?

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## Gnomey (Nov 27, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Nov 28, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 696279


Adding:

6- dental, 7- mental and 8- rental problems!

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## Frog (Nov 28, 2022)

The reason why we eat sugar when we are disturbed :

stressed written in reverse order gives desserts.

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## special ed (Nov 28, 2022)

Dolphin Trainer

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile . The owner of the expensive automobile jumped out and confronts the old man and says, "Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp."
"Wait, buddy, I don't have that kind of money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins."
The old man calls his son, and as he is about to speak, the expensive car owner yanks the phone from his hand and says,
"So you train dolphins, your old man just damaged my car, you bring $10,000 or I'm gonna beat him and you!"
"Okay, give me 15 minutes and I'll be there."
In 15minutes exactly the son pulls up in a jeep, jumps out and beats the hell out of the expensive car owner.
He then walks to his father and says, 
"Dad, I train Navy Seals, not dolphins."

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## Wurger (Nov 28, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Nov 28, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Nov 28, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Nov 29, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Nov 29, 2022)

Yesterday we had a traffic mishap that, while tragic, must have looked like something out of a movie or a Far Side comic strip.

Two vehicles collided at an intersection and one careened out of control into a large fireworks store. Given the time of the year, the store was fully stocked. You can imagine the results. The person in the vehicle that hit the store was killed.

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## CAC Woomera (Nov 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Nov 30, 2022)



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## Wurger (Nov 30, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Nov 30, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Nov 30, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 696675


Now thats a dad joke..

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## Greg Boeser (Nov 30, 2022)

Reminds me of the guy, who found a genie in a bottle.
The genie said to him, "Master, I can grant you three wishes. But choose wisely. Whatever you wish, your most hated enemy will get double."
"OK," said the man, "how about giving me the winning ticket for the lottery?"
"Your wish is my command," said the genie. He reached into his vest and handed the man the ticket. "Your nemesis has two of the same ticket."
The man winced. Thinking hard, he said, "OK, genie, I want a million dollar house next to a championship golf course, and a Playboy bunny for a wife!"
"Granted!" said the genie. "You will notice the two million dollar home across the fairway belongs to your arch-rival, and he's shacking up with Miss November and her twin sister."
The man was clearly infuriated by this.
He sat down, muttering under his breath about his dumb luck for finding such a useless genie. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet. "Genie!" He yelled. "I want you to beat me half to death!"

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## special ed (Nov 30, 2022)

Some cats for those of us owned by cats:

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## Wurger (Nov 30, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 1, 2022)

The old age is when an alarm is triggered while you are leaving the museum.

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 1, 2022)

Must be a German cat named Adolf

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

Somehow, I'm not surprised....

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

Need tighter pants.

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

Heartwarming! But was it closed captioned?

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

I wish I could get paid to do studies like this.

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

The fascinating world of forensics. Reminds me of the errant V-2 they fired from White Sands that hit a graveyard in Mexico. They are still finding bodies from that mishap.

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## WARSPITER (Dec 1, 2022)

Wurger said:


> The old age is when an alarm is triggered while you are leaving the museum.


Yes. Then the museum staff grab you, wrap you in bandages and try to put you back in the sarcophagus.

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## Wurger (Dec 1, 2022)




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## Frog (Dec 1, 2022)

Why do we have to process to waste separation while oceans are still full of plastic ?

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## Gnomey (Dec 1, 2022)




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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

I'd get a second opinion....

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

Breaking News from 10,000 BC...

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

They must have thought the sign said "Gum Shop"

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## MIflyer (Dec 1, 2022)

News from the Federal Redundant Department of Redundant Departments

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## MiTasol (Dec 1, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 1, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 1, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 1, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 1, 2022)

My wife recently took a DNA test.
It came back negative. 🤔

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## cherry blossom (Dec 2, 2022)

MIflyer said:


> Somehow, I'm not surprised....
> 
> View attachment 696784


Frank Gusenberg, one of the victims of the Saint Valentine's Day massacre in Chicago, was still alive when the police arrived. Yet, when asked who had shot him, he kept his code of silence saying: “No one. Nobody shot me.” Frank Gusenberg - Wikipedia

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## buffnut453 (Dec 2, 2022)

BEST LAST KISS





Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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## Gnomey (Dec 2, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Dec 2, 2022)

This one is neither a quote or a joke but a good example of a person who genuinely meets the requirements for earning a Darwin award in that he *improved the gene pool by removing himself from it*









Boston man tries to ‘fill scuba tank with weed smoke’; loses testicles


A 27-year old Boston local has suffered extensive injuries to his lower body after an unconventional attempt to ‘fill a scuba




www.bostonleader.com

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## MiTasol (Dec 2, 2022)

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:

"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of America, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops. 

There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. 

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Raymond Dicks and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. 

Corporal Dicks, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. 

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw the Corporal and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find him, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. 

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. 

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. 

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. 

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.' 

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. 

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 33 men – actually 32 of us without Dicks.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 2, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> This one is neither a quote or a joke but a good example of a person who genuinely meets the requirements of earning a Darwin award in that he *improved the gene pool by removing himself from it*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


On the other hand, he can finally join the parish choir as a soprano.

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## SaparotRob (Dec 2, 2022)

That's just nuts.

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## buffnut453 (Dec 2, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> That's just nuts.



Actually nut-free...it's an allergy thing.

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## WARSPITER (Dec 2, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> That's just nuts.


Actually, nutless comes to mind....

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 2, 2022)

It's not funny. A classmate of mine was hill climbing with his dirt bike, slipped off the back and suffered ground nuts. 
[True story]

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## special ed (Dec 2, 2022)

And then, and then, he was attacked by ground hogs.

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## MiTasol (Dec 2, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> It's not funny. A classmate of mine was hill climbing with his dirt bike, slipped off the back and suffered ground nuts.
> [True story]



Yes - when I went to school one of the other guys in my brothers class crashed his bike and the front mudguard entered his trousers and cut over half his penis off when it dragged it between the tyre and mudguard. As a 9 or 10 year old it did not bother any of us at the time but I sure felt sorry for him later

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## MiTasol (Dec 2, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Yes - when I went to school one of the other guys in my brothers class crashed his bike and the front mudguard entered his trousers and cut over half his penis off when the tyre dragged it between the tyre and mudguard. As a 9 or 10 year old it did not bother any of us at the time but I sure felt sorry for him later


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## ARTESH (Dec 3, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 3, 2022)

CAC Woomera said:


> View attachment 696622


King tiger? Nope!!!

Emperor Kittie? Yup!!!

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## cammerjeff (Dec 3, 2022)

Well the "Scuba Bong" Takes the expression "recreational Diving" to a whole new level!

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## Gnomey (Dec 3, 2022)




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## special ed (Dec 3, 2022)

A dad joke

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## special ed (Dec 3, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 3, 2022)

OK, Marines,




I brought lunch!

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## GTX (Dec 4, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 4, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 4, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 4, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Dec 4, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 697251


That is so cute. Hope his wife saw this.

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## Gnomey (Dec 4, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Dec 5, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 697214


I didnt get it!!!

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## WARSPITER (Dec 5, 2022)

ARTESH said:


> I didnt get it!!!


Barnes Wallis was the man responsible for the bouncing bombs used in the dam buster raid.
Hence his cheque "bounced".

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## ARTESH (Dec 5, 2022)

I got it!

Thanks!


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## ARTESH (Dec 5, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Dec 5, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 5, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Dec 5, 2022)




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## CAC Woomera (Dec 5, 2022)



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## at6 (Dec 6, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Yes. Then the museum staff grab you, wrap you in bandages and try to put you back in the sarcophagus.


Guess where I spent last night.

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## VBF-13 (Dec 6, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 6, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Dec 6, 2022)

VBF-13 said:


> View attachment 697468


They forgot to mention that this is the "Stealth" tech saloon!

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## special ed (Dec 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 6, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Dec 6, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 697473


I demand his phone number.

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 6, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Dec 6, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Dec 6, 2022)

So true

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 6, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Dec 6, 2022)



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## Snautzer01 (Dec 6, 2022)

Must be 

 FLYBOYJ

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## Wurger (Dec 6, 2022)




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## FLYBOYJ (Dec 6, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Must be
> 
> FLYBOYJ
> 
> ...


Perfect!


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## Airframes (Dec 6, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 6, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Dec 6, 2022)

Airframes said:


> View attachment 697485


Just be careful to not become an astronaut!

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 6, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 697473


Ausgezeichnet!  

Now there is a prescription I need to fill.

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## Gnomey (Dec 6, 2022)




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## manta22 (Dec 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 6, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 6, 2022)



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## cammerjeff (Dec 7, 2022)

The Cities of Chathem-Kent Ontario Canada held a contest to name the 12 snow plows they own.

Winning Snowplow Names Announced

The results are in and after more than 5,300 votes, 12 snowplows in Chatham-Kent will be sporting new names in the new year thanks to a contest sponsored by Chatham-Kent Infrastructure and Engineering Services and WINMAR Property Restoration Specialists.
The winners are:

Anita Shovel with (436)
Gordie Plow (400)
Blizzard of Oz (340)
Darth Blader (271)
Pillsbury Plowboy (266)
Sled Zepplin (256)
Buzz Ice-Clear (251)
Qunuk (Inuit word for snowflake) (243)
Flurrious George (236)
School's Not Cancelled (194)
Snobi One Kenobi (192)
Sleetwood Mac (189)
Who said Canadians aren't Creative! and Funny!

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## SaparotRob (Dec 7, 2022)

Plowey McPlowface didn't get any votes?

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## ARTESH (Dec 7, 2022)

I said I have seen him, somewhere before!!!

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## ARTESH (Dec 7, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Dec 7, 2022)




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## Wurger (Dec 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 7, 2022)

dad joke

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## special ed (Dec 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 7, 2022)

When you need a specialist.

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## special ed (Dec 7, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 7, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 7, 2022)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 697698


That's barbaric!

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## WARSPITER (Dec 8, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 697579


Don't tell me. The cops are carrying colts.

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## at6 (Dec 8, 2022)

VBF-13 said:


> View attachment 697468


What color am I supposed to paint it?

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 8, 2022)

Clear coat ofcourse

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## Wurger (Dec 8, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Dec 8, 2022)




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## special ed (Dec 8, 2022)

Diamond D's brothel, Pahrump, Nevada, began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon and evening prayer meetings at the church. 
Work at Diamond D's progressed up until the week of the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and it burned to the ground. 
After the brothel burned, the church folks were smug in their outlook, bragging about the "power of prayer."
Last week "Big Jugs" Diamond, the madam/owner, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds "the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In reply to the court, the church vehemently denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the hearing opening commented, 
"I don't know how in hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears to me from the paperwork, that we have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer,
and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

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## Frog (Dec 8, 2022)

Feb. 2022 : Kiev will be taken within 3 days.
Dec. 2022 : how can we prevent strikes on Siberia ?

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## Wurger (Dec 9, 2022)

Russian scientists have discovered what a woman wants.
Unfortunately, she has already changed her mind.

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## VBF-13 (Dec 9, 2022)

I asked Alexa, "Alexa, what do women want?" That was a week ago. It's still talking.

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## Airframes (Dec 9, 2022)



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## DBII (Dec 9, 2022)

VBF-13 said:


> I asked Alexa, "Alexa, what do women want?" That was a week ago. It's still talking.


Alexa said that you should not have to ask.

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## Wurger (Dec 9, 2022)



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## Frog (Dec 9, 2022)

This is a Caïman :




This is an Alligator :

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 9, 2022)

DBII said:


> Alexa said that you should not have to ask.


Alexa won't even speak to me.

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## manta22 (Dec 9, 2022)

Frog said:


> This is a Caïman :
> View attachment 697892
> 
> This is an Alligator :
> View attachment 697891



THIS IS AN ALLIGATOR MAKING ALLEGATIONS-

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## DBII (Dec 9, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Alexa won't even speak to me.


I threw her out if the house. She perferered a Mosquito over. B25.

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## buffnut453 (Dec 9, 2022)

DBII said:


> I threw her out if the house. She perferered a Mosquito over. B25.



Alexa can come to my house any day of the week if those are her preferences!

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## buffnut453 (Dec 9, 2022)

Especially if it's Alexa Breit!

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 9, 2022)

DBII said:


> I threw her out if the house. She perferered a Mosquito over. B25.


TMI, man. TMI

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 9, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Alexa can come to my house any day of the week if those are her preferences!


I know why so i fixed it for you.

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## syscom3 (Dec 9, 2022)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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## special ed (Dec 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 9, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 9, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 9, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
> View attachment 697930


No seashells???

I've asked the Santa to bring me a few geography cones, personally!!!









Conus geographus - Wikipedia







en.m.wikipedia.org

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## Gnomey (Dec 9, 2022)




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## Wurger (Dec 9, 2022)




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## DBII (Dec 9, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> TMI, man. TMI


Alexa not my wife.

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## GTX (Dec 10, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 10, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 10, 2022)

special ed said:


> Diamond D's brothel, Pahrump, Nevada, began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever growing business.
> In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon and evening prayer meetings at the church.
> Work at Diamond D's progressed up until the week of the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and it burned to the ground.
> After the brothel burned, the church folks were smug in their outlook, bragging about the "power of prayer."
> ...


Reminds me a little of this classic:

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## Lucky13 (Dec 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 10, 2022)



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## Lucky13 (Dec 10, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 10, 2022)



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## Airframes (Dec 10, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 10, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 10, 2022)

....until when they're wearing the same outfit! 😉😆😂

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 10, 2022)

Or they are trying to set a date for a get together.

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## Gnomey (Dec 10, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Dec 11, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 698017


Proof: recent events in Iran!

Go ladies! We are victorious!

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## Lucky13 (Dec 11, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 11, 2022)

Just let's hope that the [Iran] regime's "cyber army" don't find this!!!

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## Ralph Haus (Dec 11, 2022)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 698120


Still have several LARGE bundles of wood, since hauling in 1100 mile move in 1976, and have used a piece or two. Keep having to re-explain their importance.

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## Gnomey (Dec 11, 2022)




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## Lucky13 (Dec 11, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 11, 2022)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Tom Brady.

That’s it…

That’s the joke.

Go 49ers!

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## MiTasol (Dec 12, 2022)

GRAMMAR LESSON: Is it "complete", "finished", or "completely finished"?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished". In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a cruise and a case of 25 year old Scotch

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## MiTasol (Dec 12, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Dec 12, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 12, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Dec 12, 2022)




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## VBF-13 (Dec 13, 2022)

CDC recommendation for the office...

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## Frog (Dec 13, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Tom Brady.
> 
> That’s it…
> 
> ...


There are B-26s in Tampa Bay, not Buccaneers.

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## Shortround6 (Dec 13, 2022)

Frog said:


> There are B-26s in Tampa Bay, not Buccaneers.


Tell that to 
*Gasparilla Pirate Fest*

since 1904. 

and nothing to do with football.

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## Gnomey (Dec 13, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Dec 13, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 14, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Dec 14, 2022)

Driving ...

With parents Vs with friends ...

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## syscom3 (Dec 14, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 14, 2022)




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## GTX (Dec 14, 2022)

Passengers are sitting in an aircraft awaiting takeoff.

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing
dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way
along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory. Just as it begins to look as though the
plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You
know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die."

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## GTX (Dec 14, 2022)

*Economic models explained by cows*

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them. 

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. 

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

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## ARTESH (Dec 14, 2022)

GTX said:


> *Economic models explained by cows*
> 
> SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
> 
> ...


Waiting for pt2 with more "ism"s.

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## Wurger (Dec 14, 2022)

GTX said:


> Passengers are sitting in an aircraft awaiting takeoff.
> 
> Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing
> dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way
> ...

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## SaparotRob (Dec 14, 2022)

I can’t find my harmonica.

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## Frog (Dec 14, 2022)

GTX said:


> *Economic models explained by cows*
> 
> SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
> 
> ...



EUROPEAN UNION : you have two cows. The EU give you a refund to help you to export the milk. As there is an overproduction of dairy products and meat, they give to a refund to have both cows slaughtered and processed to stabilize the prices. Then as the livestocks are now too reduced, they prime you to acquire new cows.

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## GTX (Dec 14, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> I can’t find my harmonica.


It's in the fruit bowl on the pink side of the staircase at 5 o'clock...

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## manta22 (Dec 14, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> I can’t find my harmonica.

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 14, 2022)

GTX said:


> *Economic models explained by cows*
> 
> SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
> 
> ...


Egalitary Redistributive Model: Everybody gets two cows. At the end of the year, anyone with more than two cows has their excess cows taken away and redistributed to those with less than two cows. If there are any left over, they are destroyed. If not enough for everyone to have two cows, everyone gets one cow. Excess are destroyed. If not enough for everyone to get one cow, all cows are destroyed. Everybody is equal.

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## Gnomey (Dec 14, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Dec 15, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> I can’t find my harmonica.


I think I know who took it!!!

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## ARTESH (Dec 15, 2022)

Why men can only do one thing at any given time?

Why women don't stop talking?

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## MiTasol (Dec 15, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Dec 15, 2022)




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## cammerjeff (Dec 15, 2022)

Funniest thing I saw all day!

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## Wurger (Dec 15, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Dec 15, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 15, 2022)




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## Snautzer01 (Dec 15, 2022)

Should i fix it ? Or just give him an e male

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## MiTasol (Dec 15, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 15, 2022)

We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in. 


MiTasol said:


> View attachment 698728

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## SaparotRob (Dec 15, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 698744


Too close to home.

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## WARSPITER (Dec 15, 2022)

Horse goes into a bar.

Barman says "Hey".

Horse says "Yeah, that would be great thanks".

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## special ed (Dec 15, 2022)

That was a dad joke with no, absolutely no warning!

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## WARSPITER (Dec 15, 2022)

This door needs the hinges oiled - must be getting a lot of use....

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## MiTasol (Dec 15, 2022)

Which AIDS do most in the aviation industry suffer from?

Alcohol Induced Dizzyness Spells, AND/OR
Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome

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## MIflyer (Dec 16, 2022)

The latest news of the madcap antics of the FBI leads me to recall a story told by G. Gordan Liddy.

FBI Director Hoover was adamant that information memos submitted to him could be no more than one page and have strict limits on the page margins. Trying to cram all you needed to say in such a format was not easy; ask anyone who has had to endure similar limitations in the US Military or mandated by the US Congress.

One day Hoover's staff seized on a way to give them more room for a memo. They reduced the page margins by just a few letters, figuring Hoover would never notice such a small change. But notice he did, and the memo came back with a note on it, "Watch the borders." 

The FBI bureaucracy swung smartly into action when they got the instructions from the Director. 

They sent every available FBI Agent to the borders with Canada and Mexico.

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## WARSPITER (Dec 16, 2022)

I got a pet termite.

I'm going to cal him Clint - Clint Eats wood.

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## Airframes (Dec 16, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 16, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 16, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 16, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> I got a pet termite.
> 
> I'm going to cal him Clint - Clint Eats wood.


Damned Dad jokes. I have learned to swallow coffee before reading, so damage done.

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 16, 2022)

Airframes said:


> View attachment 698827


Bourbon, scotch, or gin?

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## MiTasol (Dec 16, 2022)

My Santa insists on top quality Cognac for his anti freeze

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## Frog (Dec 16, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> My Santa insists on top quality Cognac for his anti freeze





Greg Boeser said:


> Bourbon, scotch, or gin?


One scotch, one beer, one bourbon (Georges Thorogood).

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## GTX (Dec 16, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Bourbon, scotch, or gin?


Yes

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## Gnomey (Dec 16, 2022)




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## special ed (Dec 16, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 16, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 16, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 16, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Dec 16, 2022)

"Dad, can you explain what a solar eclipse is please".

"No son".

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 16, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 17, 2022)

Ronaldo's wife and hijab!!!

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 17, 2022)

Best way to wear that thing.

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## MIflyer (Dec 17, 2022)

Used to be, I did not spend any time debating it. If the box was intact I saved it and put it in the attic. Then a friend came to visit and I came home one day to find him packing up some items he had bought so he cold take them home as checked baggage. He said, "I had to go buy some cardboard boxes..." I just barely managed to stifle a scream.

Since then I have cleared out my attic of many of those cardboard boxes. Have to make room for the new ones.

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## special ed (Dec 17, 2022)

My long time buddy had been a safety inspector and would lecture me about fire hazards. I tried to keep him from seeing the boxes.

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## ARTESH (Dec 17, 2022)

- How many cardboard boxes you have?

+ Yes!

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## GTX (Dec 17, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 17, 2022)

What about making it a worldwide rule?

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## Gnomey (Dec 17, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Dec 17, 2022)

Here is a guide for those who do not know what to give this Christmas

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## at6 (Dec 17, 2022)

SaparotRob said:


> I can’t find my harmonica.


I'll sell you one for the price of twenty.

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## WARSPITER (Dec 17, 2022)

You'll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the optometrist.

.....Everybody.......

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 18, 2022)

I didn't see _that _coming!

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## ARTESH (Dec 18, 2022)

Best gift for my country, is a cleansing!

Explosives, Fire Arms and Money would also be accepted!

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## GTX (Dec 18, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 18, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 18, 2022)




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## ARTESH (Dec 18, 2022)

It seems that Santa has read my comment!!!

[Refers to post about new tanks being sent to Ukraine]

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## Lucky13 (Dec 18, 2022)

Who did it!? 😳😲

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## Wurger (Dec 18, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Dec 18, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Dec 18, 2022)




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## WARSPITER (Dec 18, 2022)

I have the body of a twenty five year old. 

I keep it in the freezer.

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## syscom3 (Dec 18, 2022)

It’s that time of the year.

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 18, 2022)

Never mind. Cut and paste fail.


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## special ed (Dec 18, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 18, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 19, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 19, 2022)

My girlfriend sent this one:

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## ARTESH (Dec 19, 2022)

My girlfriend sent this one:

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## at6 (Dec 19, 2022)

I was called an "Indian giver". I don't recall having any Indians.

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## Gnomey (Dec 19, 2022)




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## cammerjeff (Dec 19, 2022)

Last night, I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another, and the lifelong question was answered: It _was_ the chicken.

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## VBF-13 (Dec 19, 2022)



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## Shortround6 (Dec 19, 2022)

How many Angle softs equal one Charmin?

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## VBF-13 (Dec 19, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Dec 20, 2022)



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## MIflyer (Dec 20, 2022)

I saw where an earthquake hit off the coast of Northern California this morning. Power is out in some areas but they expect they it to be back on today.

Reminds me of when I was in the SF Bay area when the big quake hit in October 1989, the one during the World Series.

When the power came back on the next morning, the TV people were saying, over and over again:

1. Not all businesses are open so call before you go to work.
2. Many stores are closed, so call before you go shopping.
3. Many restaurants are closed, so call before you go out to eat.
4. Call before you go to a movie because the theater may be closed.
5. Railroad and airline schedules are disrupted, so call before you go to catch a train or a plane.
6. Call us here at the station and let us know what is going on in your area that is of interest.
7. And remember, this is an emergency situation, SO STAY OFF THE PHONE.

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## Gnomey (Dec 20, 2022)




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## special ed (Dec 20, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 20, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 20, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 20, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 20, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 699384



That’s what I tell my kids about Texas…

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## MIflyer (Dec 21, 2022)

Alternate name for Texas is Baja Oklahoma.

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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2022)




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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 21, 2022)

Well you know what they say about Texas, its full of steers and…

Uh, I’ll just…

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## Wurger (Dec 21, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Well you know what they say about Texas, its full of steers and…



and rattlesnakes

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## special ed (Dec 21, 2022)

View attachment 699467


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## manta22 (Dec 21, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Well you know what they say about Texas, its full of steers and…
> 
> Uh, I’ll just…
> 
> View attachment 699435


True story... In Ft Dix, NJ barracks, waiting to ship to Germany in '61, we had a FNG assigned to us. When he came in someone asked him where he was from. "Philadelphia!" he replied, to which some wit piped up "I hear the only people from Philadelphia are Q***rs and Quakers!"... there was a short silence and then someone in the back of the room quipped "F*ck Thee!!! (Delete as necessary)

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## GTX (Dec 21, 2022)



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## Airframes (Dec 21, 2022)

I've often wondered about that very thing whenever I see this pic !

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## gumbyk (Dec 21, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> That’s what I tell my kids about Texas…


That's what the rest of the world tell their kids about Texas...

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## special ed (Dec 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 21, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 21, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 21, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> That's what the rest of the world tell their kids about Texas...



And Florida

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## gumbyk (Dec 21, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 699504


I like this game!!

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 21, 2022)

gumbyk said:


> I like this game!!
> View attachment 699508

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 21, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 21, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 21, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Dec 21, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Dec 21, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 21, 2022)

Some shit you just can't make up: Man with WWI explosive lodged in his rectum sparks bomb scare, hospital evacuation

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 21, 2022)

20mm hemorrhoid solution.

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## SaparotRob (Dec 21, 2022)

Concealed weapon.

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## buffnut453 (Dec 21, 2022)

Wonder if it was friendly or enema artillery?

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## buffnut453 (Dec 21, 2022)

Rectum? Almost blew his bloomin' head off!!!

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## buffnut453 (Dec 21, 2022)

Wonder if said shell was retrieved from the Battle of Loos?

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## Airframes (Dec 21, 2022)

Coat !

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## special ed (Dec 21, 2022)



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## buffnut453 (Dec 21, 2022)

Just to make your eyes water, here's the shell that was "retrieved":

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 21, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Dec 21, 2022)

It's definitely a case of more bang for your butt.

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## buffnut453 (Dec 21, 2022)

Airframes said:


> Coat !



Why? I don't understand.

Such hostility. I am innocent, I tell you. Entirely innocent.

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## MiTasol (Dec 21, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Well you know what they say about Texas, its full of steers and…


if they cut Alaska in half then Texas will be the third largest state

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## MiTasol (Dec 21, 2022)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 699522


Only true in the US because the rest of the world billion is 1,000 million.


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## Greg Boeser (Dec 21, 2022)

It's that Common Core math.

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## GTX (Dec 22, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 22, 2022)

Lighten up people. Don’t get butt hurt over a joke thread. Laugh and give it back.

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## gumbyk (Dec 22, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> if they cut Alaska in half then Texas will be the third largest state


Texas would be the 6th largest state in Australia...
Even Alaska wouldn't be the largest.

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## Gnomey (Dec 22, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Dec 22, 2022)

GTX said:


> View attachment 699639


This is an affront to all women! What sort of woman would consent to degrade herself like this?!!!

I need to hack his subscriber list.

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## special ed (Dec 22, 2022)

Those who like sugar daddys?

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 22, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> This is an affront to all women! What sort of woman would consent to degrade herself like this?!!!
> 
> I need to hack his subscriber list.


Yes!!!! Why on all that is holy is she made to drink that horrendous, vile tasting, baby seal killing, degrading pint of owl pee you overthere call "beer" ? 
Kindly sent her to me and i will save her from this ordeal.

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 22, 2022)

Thank you all. I will take good care of her an give her a proper pint.

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 22, 2022)

I'm going to have nightmares now.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Dec 22, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> I'm going to have nightmares now.



You and me both…

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## special ed (Dec 22, 2022)

Your browser is not able to display this video.




Beer

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## special ed (Dec 22, 2022)

Your browser is not able to display this video.




more beer

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## manta22 (Dec 22, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 699679
> 
> Beer


Noch ein bier, bitte!

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## Shortround6 (Dec 22, 2022)

_COMING SOON TO A MULTIPLEX NEAR YOU.

Snautzer01 in *BAD SANTA 3.*_

Billy Bob Thornton was unavailable.

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## special ed (Dec 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 22, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 22, 2022)



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## WARSPITER (Dec 22, 2022)

Shortround6 said:


> _COMING SOON TO A MULTIPLEX NEAR YOU.
> 
> Snautzer01 in *BAD SANTA 3.*_
> 
> Billy Bob Thornton was unavailable.


Cool. I like documentaries.

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## at6 (Dec 23, 2022)

Snautzer01 said:


> Thank you all. I will take good care of her an give her a proper pint.
> 
> View attachment 699664


The rest of you can have nightmares. I'll dream of taking his place, unless suddenly his face replaces hers. Then it's puke time.

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## MiTasol (Dec 23, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 699703



That is DEFINITELY not beer

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 23, 2022)

at6 said:


> Then it's puke time.


Heyyyyyyy .. thats not a x-massie thought. True but not X-massie.

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## SaparotRob (Dec 23, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> That is DEFINITELY not beer.


Colorado Kool-Aid.

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## Snautzer01 (Dec 23, 2022)

WARSPITER said:


> Cool. I like documentaries.


Well i did one not too long ago.
Its about a girl.
Apparently she doent like V marked things.
I wouldnt be Santa if i dont give her what she wants for x-mas in her delightfull stockings now would I?.
Now she sings....
On the first day of cristmas i killed an apv...

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## GTX (Dec 23, 2022)

special ed said:


> View attachment 699679
> 
> Beer


Reminds me of this one:

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## GTX (Dec 23, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 23, 2022)

Not so much a joke but amusing/interesting never=the-less:

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## ARTESH (Dec 23, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 23, 2022)

GTX said:


> Reminds me of this one:



Oh my god...

This is for when there was no "touch screen" nor "android"...

This was so popular in Iran!

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## ARTESH (Dec 23, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Dec 23, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Dec 23, 2022)

at6 said:


> The rest of you can have nightmares. I'll dream of taking his place, unless suddenly his face replaces hers. Then it's puke time.


Hey, sailor...

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## MiTasol (Dec 23, 2022)

This one is too close to the truth already.

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## cammerjeff (Dec 24, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 24, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Dec 24, 2022)




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## MiTasol (Dec 24, 2022)

My son is worried that this will be the last Christmas that his son believes bitcoin is real

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## at6 (Dec 25, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Hey, sailor...
> View attachment 699799


Gaaack!Puke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## WARSPITER (Dec 25, 2022)

at6 said:


> Gaaack!Puke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm glad I saw that before I had Christmas dinner.

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## at6 (Dec 25, 2022)

Greg Boeser said:


> Hey, sailor...
> View attachment 699799


That is just so very naaaaaaaasty.

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## ARTESH (Dec 25, 2022)

I think it needs to be edited...

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## GTX (Dec 25, 2022)

just give it the wing…

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## syscom3 (Dec 25, 2022)

The truth!

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## ARTESH (Dec 25, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 26, 2022)

It's 84 days to "Nowruz"...






لحظه دقیق سال تحويل ۱۴۰۲ و نوروز در تمام کشورها | Nowruz 2023


2023 Nowruz Iranian new year: 10:58 am Tueday March 21st 2023 | تحویل سال ۱۴۰۲ در ایران سه شنبه ۱ فروردین ۱۴۰۲ ساعت ۱۰ و ۵۸ دقیقه



www.taghvim.com

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## ARTESH (Dec 26, 2022)

What musicians see:

Violin, Viola, Solo, Double Base

What others see:

Violin, Violin, Big Violin, Very Big Violin






My password is "HSbF6", Be careful when you use it!!!









Fluoroantimonic acid - Wikipedia







en.m.wikipedia.org










Those lights are so cute!

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## VBF-13 (Dec 26, 2022)



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## VBF-13 (Dec 26, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 26, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Dec 26, 2022)




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## GTX (Dec 26, 2022)

CIA reveals Santa was killed in Cambodian airspace in 1971


Recently declassified documents detail the top secret operation




www.duffelblog.com

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## SaparotRob (Dec 26, 2022)

Where do we get such men?


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## Snautzer01 (Dec 26, 2022)

Apparantly *Nakatomi Plaza*

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## Wurger (Dec 26, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Dec 27, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 27, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Dec 27, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Dec 27, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 27, 2022)

🫢


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## syscom3 (Dec 28, 2022)



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## Wurger (Dec 28, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Dec 28, 2022)

For you joggers out there. LOL

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## syscom3 (Dec 28, 2022)



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## SaparotRob (Dec 28, 2022)




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## Wurger (Dec 28, 2022)




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## Frog (Dec 28, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 700266



She now has the Gibson, less Paul.

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## buffnut453 (Dec 28, 2022)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 700266



Was the victim 

 Thumpalumpacus
? Enquiring minds want to know.

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## MiTasol (Dec 28, 2022)

Yes Thumpalumpacus - was that you?

I remember earlier this year you were going to restore a damaged guitar and enjoy playing it on the stoop. Was that the Gibson or Fender? Does it sound right now?

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## MiTasol (Dec 28, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Dec 28, 2022)

beer commercial

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## special ed (Dec 28, 2022)

Dad joke warning:

A couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise. The meal arrives in a cast iron pot with a lid.
The wife is about to serve herself, when the lid of the pot slightly rises, and she sees two beady little eyes briefly before the lid slams down.
"Did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He had not, so he reaches for the lid when it again rises and two little eyes look around just as the lid slams down.
They call the waiter, explain what has happened, and asks for an his explanation.
"What did you order?"
"Chicken Surprise!"
"So sorry, I bring you Peeking Duck!"

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## Gnomey (Dec 28, 2022)




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## Greg Boeser (Dec 28, 2022)

special ed said:


> Dad joke warning:
> 
> A couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order the Chicken Surprise. The meal arrives in a cast iron pot with a lid.
> The wife is about to serve herself, when the lid of the pot slightly rises, and she sees two beady little eyes briefly before the lid slams down.
> ...


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## Thumpalumpacus (Dec 29, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Yes Thumpalumpacus - was that you?
> 
> I remember earlier this year you were going to restore a damaged guitar and enjoy playing it on the stoop. Was that the Gibson or Fender? Does it sound right now?



It's a Yamaha acoustic. It sounds good but I still need to tweak the truss-rod some more, it's got buzz at the fourteenth fret. Between helping take care of my mom, working, and now the holidays, it's been put off.

Every woman I've been with has been justifiably shy of touching my guitars, though. And beating me with my Ibanez is probably a nonstarter -- it's a tank of a guitar and she'd have a hard time with it!


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## WARSPITER (Dec 29, 2022)

Frog said:


> She now has the Gibson, less Paul.


She was 'fretting' because he was 'stringing' her along.

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## MiTasol (Dec 29, 2022)

Thumpalumpacus said:


> It's a Yamaha acoustic. It sounds good but I still need to tweak the truss-rod some more, it's got buzz at the fourteenth fret. Between helping take care of my mom, working, and now the holidays, it's been put off.



To give you incentive maybe you should put up a short audio from it when fixed.

Keep looking after mum though. You don't realise how much they mean to you until they are gone.

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## Thumpalumpacus (Dec 29, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> To give you incentive maybe you should put up a short audio from it when fixed.
> 
> Keep looking after mum though. You don't realise how much they mean to you until they are gone.



I'll do that when it unfolds. My priorities are as you advise -- family first and
devil take the hindmost. In the meantime, here's a clip of me playing an original song on a very similar Yamaha at an open-mic a few years back. I want to get this current one sounding and especially playing as good:

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## MiTasol (Dec 29, 2022)

Great one
That background noise is a total pain tho

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## Thumpalumpacus (Dec 29, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Great one
> That background noise is a total pain tho



lol, said every club gigger ever ...

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## GTX (Dec 29, 2022)

BURNED!!!

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## GTX (Dec 29, 2022)



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## Gnomey (Dec 29, 2022)




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## VBF-13 (Dec 29, 2022)

We had two feet of snow today...

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## syscom3 (Dec 29, 2022)



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## GTX (Dec 29, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Dec 30, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Dec 30, 2022)

GTX said:


> BURNED!!!




Yep








Andrew Tate arrested in Romania on human trafficking, rape charges after posting pizza box video


Days after being told by climate activist Greta Thunberg to "get a life", divisive internet personality and former kickboxer Andrew Tate is detained by Romanian authorities on suspicion of human trafficking, rape and forming an organised crime group.




www.abc.net.au

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## buffnut453 (Dec 30, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Yep
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Tough to know which is more embarrassing.....getting caught human trafficking or getting burned by Greta Thunberg.

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## at6 (Dec 30, 2022)

buffnut453 said:


> Tough to know which is more embarrassing.....getting caught human trafficking or getting burned by Greta Thunberg.


Both with the worst being burned by Greta.

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## CAC Woomera (Dec 30, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Yep
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Has to be one of the funnier things to happen this year just because of the sheer absurdity


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## Snautzer01 (Dec 30, 2022)

at6 said:


> Both with the worst being burned by


Fixed it.
Both with the your worst wurst being burned by Greta.

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## MiTasol (Dec 30, 2022)

at6 said:


> Both with the worst being burned by Greta.



Who said she had no redeeming qualities. I give her bacon for this one.


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## MiTasol (Dec 30, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Dec 30, 2022)



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## ARTESH (Dec 30, 2022)

Goddamit!!!! So fing true!!!

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## Gnomey (Dec 30, 2022)




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## syscom3 (Dec 30, 2022)



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## syscom3 (Dec 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 30, 2022)



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## special ed (Dec 30, 2022)



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## MiTasol (Dec 30, 2022)

Mmmm. True - and at a few other airlines though only skippy caught on camera recently

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## GTX (Dec 30, 2022)

MiTasol said:


> Mmmm. True - and at a few other airlines though only skippy caught on camera recently


And to provide some context:

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## MiTasol (Dec 30, 2022)

Thanks GTX - that video makes it clear that they were throwing, not dropping, baggage and I should have linked it.

I presume you know that QANTAS stands for Queers And Nyphos Traveling As Stewards

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## syscom3 (Dec 30, 2022)

For those of you that know your 70’s music.

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## Greg Boeser (Dec 30, 2022)

Take your protein pills and put your helmet on...

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## Wurger (Dec 31, 2022)




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## Gnomey (Dec 31, 2022)




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## ThomasP (Dec 31, 2022)

When I was 10 (I think, but might have been 11) I used to walk around singing that song in my head, trying to use my psi powers (yes, I am a sci-fi geek) to contact any aliens that might be in the vicinity.

 )))))))))))) 

I was hoping that they would come to Earth and make themselves known - thus beginning a real space age. That way, I figured I would be able to travel in space during my lifetime.

sigh

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## Wurger (Dec 31, 2022)



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## Greg Boeser (Dec 31, 2022)

Wurger said:


> View attachment 700602


The applause is for the politician that actually used our tax dollars for the purpose it was intended.


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## ARTESH (Dec 31, 2022)



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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Jan 1, 2023)



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## ARTESH (Jan 1, 2023)

And i think this conversation was translated to English by a Swiss man!

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## Wurger (Jan 1, 2023)

Why by the Swiss ?

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## ARTESH (Jan 1, 2023)

Because they speak both German and French.

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 1, 2023)

ARTESH said:


> Because they speak both German and French.


And italian and french and retro romanic. English. Ohh and they talk money.

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## Gnomey (Jan 1, 2023)




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## Wurger (Jan 2, 2023)




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## at6 (Jan 2, 2023)

Greg Boeser said:


> Hey, sailor...
> View attachment 699799


I'm waiting. See next post.


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## at6 (Jan 2, 2023)

Here I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Wurger (Jan 2, 2023)




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## Gnomey (Jan 2, 2023)




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## Frog (Jan 2, 2023)

San Francisco, 1849 during the gold fever : there was no good road, no electricity, the city had no money. Everybody spoke Spanish. There were fights and gunfire every night.
Basically, it was as it is today, except that girls had boobs and guys did not walk outside holding by the hand.

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 2, 2023)

Frog said:


> San Francisco, 1849 during the gold fever : there was no good road, no electricity, the city had no money. Everybody spoke Spanish. There were fights and gunfire every night.
> Basically, it was as it is today, except that girls had boobs and guys did not walk outside holding by the hand.


Let me fix that.

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## GTX (Jan 2, 2023)

I don't want to know how you even know about that book...

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## ARTESH (Jan 2, 2023)

"LGBTQA" exists...

How other people read it:

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, ...

How I read it:

Lima, Golf, Bravo, ...

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## ARTESH (Jan 2, 2023)

Happy International Kotlet Day!

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## Ralph Haus (Jan 2, 2023)

GTX said:


> I don't want to know how you even know about that book...


Oh man, same here!!!


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## Snautzer01 (Jan 3, 2023)

I have sent a copy in a cellofane to my neighbours house. I dont like him very much. He stopped wearing cowboy boots for some reason and sold his bull horn equipped pick up.

Yes the pen is mighty, but book covers can change lives.

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## buffnut453 (Jan 3, 2023)

Snautzer01 said:


> I have sent a copy in a cellofane to my neighbours house. I dont like him very much. He stopped wearing cowboy boots for some reason and sold his bull horn equipped pick up.
> 
> Yes the pen is mighty, but book covers can change lives.



You're a sick, sick man...but bluddy hilarious!

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## GTX (Jan 3, 2023)



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## GTX (Jan 3, 2023)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> View attachment 700660


This reminds me of a funny experience I had a few years back when meeting with some Germans involved with armoured vehicles. We were telling them how we planned to drive (instead of fly) from Düsseldorf to Paris for further meetings. Their comment without blinking: "We know that area very well...good tank country..."

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## GTX (Jan 3, 2023)



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## cammerjeff (Jan 3, 2023)

A car buddy sent me this response to my telling him of my purchase of our Jaguar Mark 2! Good Dog!!!!

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## syscom3 (Jan 3, 2023)

The perfect gift for those that love airplanes. Or like the smell of napalm in the morning.

Note - this is an actual for sale product.

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 3, 2023)

You aren't fooling me! That's chemtrail!

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## pbehn (Jan 3, 2023)

Greg Boeser said:


> You aren't fooling me! That's chemtrail!


Real Chemtrail though, you don't want to end up with fake stuff.

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 3, 2023)

Well, this is eco-friendly chemtrail, so you know it's fake. Still sets off the CO alarm, though.

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 3, 2023)

gumbyk said:


> A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says. The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."


Re- reading some of the jokes is very good fun i tell you that!

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## ARTESH (Jan 3, 2023)

GTX said:


> View attachment 700901


Thanks god that you don't have "ارزشی".

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## ThomasP (Jan 3, 2023)

??


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## ARTESH (Jan 3, 2023)

GTX said:


> View attachment 700903


Sooner or later, we'll back to good old life style... Good old blade and bow!!! Or maybe even older than that, to stone and branch ...

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## ARTESH (Jan 3, 2023)

ThomasP said:


> ??


Iran's regime fans!


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## ThomasP (Jan 3, 2023)

Ah, got it

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## ARTESH (Jan 3, 2023)

It seems that Mr. Hitler's reign is getting over...



Can't wait to see "Mullah's Zombie Corps"!!!

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## Gnomey (Jan 3, 2023)




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## Tanker Tom (Jan 3, 2023)

The story starts where Jane is first shipwrecked, and Tarzan finds her. Well after a few days Jane has had more than few peeks under his loin cloth and decides she wants some of that. Finally, one night she starts coming on to Tarzan. Nothing was working. In frustration, Janes asks, "Tarzan, don't you know about sex"? Tarzan looked confused and said, "Tarzan not know word sex, what mean"? So, Jane explained. He smiled and said, "Tarzan use knot hole in tree for that".
Jane laid back and said, "do I ever have something for you"! Tarzan looked at her for a few moments, then kicked her right in crotch as hard as he could!! Jan flipped up and over landing four feet away, coughing and stuttering. Finally, she was able to ask, "What the hell was that all about"!
"Tarzan always first check hole for bees".

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## Snautzer01 (Jan 3, 2023)

GTX said:


> This reminds me of a funny experience I had a few years back when meeting with some Germans involved with armoured vehicles. We were telling them how we planned to drive (instead of fly) from Düsseldorf to Paris for further meetings. Their comment without blinking: "We know that area very well...good tank country..."


Remember me please .. is that second exit of the A20 from Falaise. Yes that was jolly good fun indeed.


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## at6 (Jan 4, 2023)

I'm still waiting Greg.

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## GTX (Jan 4, 2023)



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## Greg Boeser (Jan 4, 2023)

at6 said:


> I'm still waiting Greg.


Mama told me, yes she told me, I'd meet girls like you. She also told me, "Stay away! You'll never know what you'll catch."

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## GTX (Jan 4, 2023)



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## SaparotRob (Jan 4, 2023)

I got a lecture from ex about that. They are Canada geese. They are migratory and flaunt international immigration laws.

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## special ed (Jan 4, 2023)

Quite a number of Canada geese have taken permanent residence in south Louisiana. I will try to get some shots of them in my neighbor's pond and post. Several years ago five snow geese made two winters in the field near my house.

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## Gnomey (Jan 4, 2023)




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## GTX (Jan 5, 2023)



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## GTX (Jan 5, 2023)

At the end of the day a cat is a cat...

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 5, 2023)

Which is why you should always carry a ball of yarn when hiking in puma country.

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## buffnut453 (Jan 5, 2023)

Greg Boeser said:


> Which is why you should always carry a ball of yarn when hiking in puma country.



Or a laser pointer.

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## Greg Boeser (Jan 5, 2023)

Hey, Buff, why is there a red dot on me?

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## buffnut453 (Jan 5, 2023)

Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

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## Gnomey (Jan 5, 2023)




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## VBF-13 (Jan 5, 2023)



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## Lucky13 (Jan 5, 2023)



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## Wurger (Friday at 6:39 AM)



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## Gnomey (Friday at 4:56 PM)




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## pbehn (Friday at 6:43 PM)



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## Lucky13 (Friday at 9:40 PM)



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## Greg Boeser (Friday at 11:50 PM)

Maybe the tree knows something...

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## Frog (Saturday at 7:42 AM)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 701412



The tree remembered it will decompose into petrol in some millions of years.

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## GTX (Saturday at 1:43 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:43 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:44 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:44 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:45 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:46 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:46 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:47 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:48 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:51 PM)



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## GTX (Saturday at 1:51 PM)



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## Gnomey (Saturday at 3:41 PM)




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## special ed (Saturday at 8:00 PM)



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## special ed (Saturday at 8:01 PM)



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## special ed (Saturday at 8:02 PM)



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## special ed (Saturday at 8:03 PM)



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## special ed (Saturday at 8:04 PM)



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## special ed (Saturday at 8:05 PM)



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## Wurger (Sunday at 5:27 AM)




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## ARTESH (Sunday at 1:02 PM)

Well, my wish is not PS5, but an stable and free Internet.

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## ARTESH (Sunday at 2:25 PM)

Mig Mig ...

(If you didn't get it, that's related to Road Runner cartoon)

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## Gnomey (Sunday at 5:33 PM)




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## Lucky13 (Sunday at 6:27 PM)



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## special ed (Sunday at 6:32 PM)



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## special ed (Sunday at 6:34 PM)



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## special ed (Sunday at 6:36 PM)



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## syscom3 (Sunday at 6:48 PM)

For you doggy lovers

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## MiTasol (Monday at 4:41 AM)



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## buffnut453 (Monday at 9:35 AM)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 701660



More like 50cal than 7.62, IMHO.

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## cammerjeff (Monday at 11:23 AM)

Funny I was thinking 155mm?

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## buffnut453 (Monday at 11:39 AM)

cammerjeff said:


> Funny I was thinking 155mm?



Then the others are more 30mm than 5.56.

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## buffnut453 (Monday at 11:48 AM)

Don't you guys know your calibres/calibers? Sheesh!


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## Wurger (Monday at 11:54 AM)

If you are enough old you know that it is very exhausted to carry the such calibres ...





the source: A Punt Gun, used for duck hunting but were banned because they depleted stocks of wild fowl, 1910-1920 - Rare Historical Photos

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## Wurger (Monday at 11:57 AM)

Sometimes it is better to be prepared just in case...





the source: A Punt Gun, used for duck hunting but were banned because they depleted stocks of wild fowl, 1910-1920 - Rare Historical Photos

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## Greg Boeser (Monday at 12:42 PM)

cammerjeff said:


> Funny I was thinking 155mm?


Centerline mounted GW 210s.

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## WARSPITER (Monday at 12:52 PM)

There's a line in this somewhere about getting the 'big guns' out.....

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## GTX (Monday at 1:05 PM)

It's not about the size of your weapon but how you use it...

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## syscom3 (Monday at 1:11 PM)



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## Snautzer01 (Monday at 1:23 PM)

You owe my a good coffee. 

 syscom3

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## manta22 (Monday at 1:26 PM)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 701758


In my younger days, I was an active caver, exploring caves in the eastern US, mostly in West Virginia. The Potomac Appalachian Trail Club (PATC) owned an old farm house in Pendleton County where hikers, cavers, and rock climbers could spend the night and it was primitive to say the least. The "bathroom" was an outhouse located about 10 yards from the house. The stench emanating from that place was legendary. Finally, someone placed a sign that had been retrieved from an old mine shaft and nailed it to the door of the outhouse as a warning: "BAD AIR". Frankly you could gag on the smell well before you could read that sign.

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## SaparotRob (Monday at 1:27 PM)

Okay, my rewards thing seems randomized.


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## Snautzer01 (Monday at 1:39 PM)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 701758


And 3 more, wife oldest, middle and youngest. Stopped counting there. Kind of went viral as they kids sent it to their friends in student houses. Seems they can relate to this.

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## MiTasol (Monday at 2:31 PM)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 701660


Looks like the difference between the real world and silicon valley to me

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## Gnomey (Monday at 3:56 PM)




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## MiTasol (Monday at 4:11 PM)



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## special ed (Monday at 4:21 PM)

While on a service call, the young female lab tech I was dealing with was continually being asked out by a younger assistant. She finally said, "It's not how big your pencil is, it's how well you write." His response, "ah, ah, I have good penmanship."

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## MiTasol (Monday at 4:30 PM)

Amen to that

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## Wurger (Monday at 4:32 PM)




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## MiTasol (Monday at 4:39 PM)



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## Snautzer01 (Monday at 5:21 PM)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 701796


Clouds of hair, mists of blood, shredded t-shirt and the noise of dying in agony. 
And offcourse the sound of said cat licking its behind stretching its leg and looking for a cozy seat.
There is a reason why commando's do not wear cats.

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## MiTasol (Monday at 5:25 PM)



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## Wurger (Monday at 5:25 PM)




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## special ed (Monday at 6:02 PM)



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## special ed (Monday at 6:03 PM)



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## MiTasol (Monday at 6:28 PM)



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## syscom3 (Monday at 11:05 PM)



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## MiTasol (Tuesday at 5:50 AM)



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## Wurger (Tuesday at 5:59 AM)




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## manta22 (Tuesday at 11:38 AM)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 701883
> 
> 
> View attachment 701884

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## Airframes (Tuesday at 12:02 PM)

Ah, but he's electric powered, you can see the power cable !

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## manta22 (Tuesday at 12:16 PM)

Airframes said:


> Ah, but he's electric powered, you can see the power cable !


7/16" Plymouth Goldline. A mile drop off each side.

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## GTX (Tuesday at 1:25 PM)

special ed said:


> View attachment 701806


Ouch!!!


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## ARTESH (Tuesday at 2:35 PM)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 701795
> 
> 
> Amen to that



I think I've passed "old people" by mental age!!!


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## Frog (Tuesday at 2:42 PM)



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## Gnomey (Tuesday at 4:14 PM)




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## Wurger (Tuesday at 4:16 PM)




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## buffnut453 (Tuesday at 5:01 PM)

Frog said:


> View attachment 701984



A common theme among military men through the ages...although, as always, the immortal Bruce Bairnsfather had a slightly different take:

"Entanglements": "Come on Bert, it's safer in the trenches!"

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## Wurger (Tuesday at 5:04 PM)



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## Lucky13 (Tuesday at 9:40 PM)

You know who you are....😏😉😆😂

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## Lucky13 (Tuesday at 9:41 PM)



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## MiTasol (Tuesday at 10:12 PM)

About as reliable as the old RAT covid tests on the new variants.

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## syscom3 (Yesterday at 6:27 AM)



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## Wurger (Yesterday at 8:06 AM)




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## GTX (Yesterday at 1:23 PM)



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## syscom3 (Yesterday at 1:38 PM)



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## SaparotRob (Yesterday at 1:47 PM)

There was a pizza place near where I once worked that sold that atrocity. It hadda’ be a front. They weren’t making money from pizza.


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## Frog (Yesterday at 2:24 PM)

That is a common crime at the local pizzerias too.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Yesterday at 2:37 PM)

Nothing wrong with pineapple on a pizza.

But then again my four favorite pizza’s are:

Pizza topped with traditional marinara sauce Squid, Shrimp, Mussels, and garlic 

Pizza topped with a pesto sauce, arugula, and shrimp

Pizza topped with an olive oil base, gorgonzola cheese, bacon, red grapes, and balsamic drizzle.

Pizza with marinara sauce, buffalo milk mozzarella, and aged prosciutto.

Life is too short to be boring. There is more to pizza than pepperoni, fake shredded mozzarella (how is it even called mozzarella?), olives, sausage, and peppers. Don’t take me wrong that stuff is good too. Just get out of your comfort zone a bit. You might be surprised.

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## Wurger (Yesterday at 2:39 PM)




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## SaparotRob (Yesterday at 3:31 PM)

There's no such thing as bad pizza. Unless there's pineapple on it. 
Stop the madness.

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Yesterday at 3:38 PM)

SaparotRob said:


> There's no such thing as bad pizza. Unless there's pineapple on it.
> Stop the madness.



Get out of your comfort zone!

A pizza with pineapple and prosciutto is fantastic. Pineapple goes hand in hand with pork.

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## Greg Boeser (Yesterday at 3:39 PM)

Remember, next time you order, don't forget to say:
*No anchovies, please!*

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## DerAdlerIstGelandet (Yesterday at 3:44 PM)

Man, anchovies, another ingredient that I like.

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## ARTESH (Yesterday at 3:51 PM)

syscom3 said:


> View attachment 702141


Trying to imagine his reaction after seeing this:



پیتزا کله پاچه - Google Search

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## Gnomey (Yesterday at 4:30 PM)




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## MiTasol (Yesterday at 6:40 PM)

DerAdlerIstGelandet said:


> Nothing wrong with pineapple on a pizza.
> 
> But then again my four favorite pizza’s are:
> 
> ...



My favorite pizza has no base/crust, lots of bacon and a few vegetables and a enough cheese to tie it together. The lack of base/crust is dietary, not choice but I actually prefer these ones anyway. There are several recipes on diet doctor.


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## MiTasol (Yesterday at 6:42 PM)

Greg Boeser said:


> Remember, next time you order, don't forget to say:
> *No anchovies, please!*


no no no no - LLOOTTSS of anchovies


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## MiTasol (Yesterday at 6:43 PM)



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## Wurger (Yesterday at 6:43 PM)




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## MiTasol (Yesterday at 6:45 PM)



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## Greg Boeser (Yesterday at 8:10 PM)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 702181


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## MiTasol (Yesterday at 8:58 PM)



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## Wurger (Today at 3:24 AM)




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## ARTESH (Today at 4:09 AM)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 702181


Needles to say that they always park righ in front of entrance, not even 1 cm before or after! Because they would get tired if they walk a short distance!

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## syscom3 (Today at 4:11 AM)



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## ARTESH (Today at 4:12 AM)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 702187


I read them because they are only thing in liespapers that actually worth of reading!

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## ARTESH (Today at 4:14 AM)

MiTasol said:


> View attachment 702180


Here is the desert version of it:

Instead of talking about politics, talk about religion. Just make sure you are able to run as fast as light, or even faster. Anything happens to you, I'm not responsible.

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## Lucky13 (Today at 8:51 AM)



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## Lucky13 (Today at 8:52 AM)



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## GTX (Today at 12:46 PM)



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## GTX (Today at 12:47 PM)



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## GTX (Today at 12:47 PM)



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## GTX (Today at 12:47 PM)



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## GTX (Today at 1:06 PM)



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## Snautzer01 (Today at 1:46 PM)

Lucky13 said:


> View attachment 702229


So very very true.

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## MiTasol (Today at 3:04 PM)



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## Wurger (Today at 3:11 PM)




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## MiTasol (Today at 3:24 PM)



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## special ed (Today at 4:49 PM)



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## Wurger (Today at 4:50 PM)




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## Gnomey (Today at 5:01 PM)




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## MiTasol (Today at 5:07 PM)

this or a variant of it has probably been posted but here it comes anyway as a reminder

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## Snautzer01 (Today at 5:16 PM)

So true i can smell it.

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## ThomasP (Today at 5:17 PM)




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