# Get Lucky!



## Njaco (Mar 30, 2008)

It was a dark and stormy night but thats how it is during the daytime in Scotland when your in an Old Milwauakee haze. My name is Slade, Sam Slade, and I'm a Private Eye. Only line of work since the government cut back at the Mayonaise Lid factory. Now I just tool around Steornabhagh or however you pronounce it ( better than being in Cumnock or those places in Wales - how the hell do you say Blaenau Ffestiniog?) I was relaxing in my office and had decided to put some music on - something to forget her by. I had just placed my favorite album on the turntable when a knock came on the door.


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## Njaco (Mar 30, 2008)

Two knocks, followed by several more. Then they came in. What knockers! It had just started to rain and I was thinking what these girls needed were to take a walk without an umbrella. I immediately forgot about whats-her-name. The two blondes just stood there - it looked like they were trying to remember how to breathe.

I spoke up.

"Can I help you?"

The one with the rack..er...hat spoke,

"Are you Sam Slade?"

"Who wants to know?" I shot back, trying to see the waterfall. I could tell they weren't from around here. Her accent reminded me of the time I spent in that dusty bar in Landskrona and her breath smelled of Kalles caviar. 

"We want to get Lucky."

_(more to follow!)_


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## Lucky13 (Mar 30, 2008)

This will be interesting.....


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## ccheese (Mar 30, 2008)

Lucky13 said:


> This will be interesting.....



And informative !

Charles


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## Lucky13 (Mar 30, 2008)




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## Njaco (Mar 30, 2008)

The comment about knocked me off my Lazyboy! I tried to do my best Sean Connery impression and looked them as close as I could in the eye.

"What do you mean?"

The shorter one spoke.

"We want you to find our brother. We thinks he is in trouble!"

A case! Just my luck. I asked them what happened to him and they explained the story. They were from Sweden ( I could tell by the blonde hair and the way the cold affected them in those t-shirts) and one day their brother Lucky saw a TV show called "The Tales of Para Handy" and shouted "Thats the place!!" , grabbed a bag of pyttipanna and an ika i rutan DVD and they hadn't seen him since. I wanted background and where did they think he was. They said the UK and that was why they were here, talking to me. I didn't understand the logic but who cares! I asked them for some pics or something and all they had was a polaroid of him and a letter they received that was sent to their brother. It explained why they thought he was here in the UK. From what it told me, it was classic Lucky.


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## Wayne Little (Mar 31, 2008)

Please continue.....


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## Screaming Eagle (Mar 31, 2008)

I'm liking this


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## Konigstiger205 (Mar 31, 2008)

Screaming Eagle said:


> I'm liking this



Me too...its getting really interesting


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## Thorlifter (Mar 31, 2008)

Njaco, please enter Mondays edition of "Get Lucky". We have to know whats going on!!!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Mar 31, 2008)

I feel the love guys.....


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## A4K (Mar 31, 2008)

Waiting for chapter 4...!


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## Lucky13 (Mar 31, 2008)




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## Matt308 (Mar 31, 2008)

Which one was the shorter one again??


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## Njaco (Mar 31, 2008)

The one by the waterfall.


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## Njaco (Apr 1, 2008)

I awoke the next morning in my office with a pounding headache, a taste of mustard in my mouth and a vague memory of battery cables. The girls were gone. Just as well. I wouldn't have lasted much longer if they kept up with the downpayment they gave me. I looked around my office - it was a shambles. Getting off the desk I read over the letter again. Well, that was a place to start, the BBC. Gathering a few things and taking a swig of some green vodka that lay in my chair, I decided that I had to get Lucky if I wanted to be paid in full. And I had to pee.

Thats when I noticed what was taped on the door - a sign the girls had left me. Ripping it off the door, I headed out for the BBC.


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## Njaco (Apr 1, 2008)

I pulled up to the large overstuffed building that was BBC headquarters. It was a typical government building, all flash and no substance. I got out and was heading for the door when I heard some voices behind me yell;
"Hey You!"
"Nee!"
I turned to find seven bullies in green camo, running me down. It was obvious they were security.

"Who are you?" I asked.
The tall one spoke; "We are the Guards Who Say... Nee!"
I smirked; "No! Not the Guards Who Say Nee!"
"The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pang, and Nee-wom!"
"Nee-wom!" They all spoke in unison.
"The Guards Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!"
I decided to play the game; "Guards of Nee, I am but a simple traveller who seeks the enchanter who visited beyond these doors."
"Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!" They all chimed in. 
"Oh, ow!" I said. It hurt my ears.
Tall One spoke again; "We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us."
"Well, what is it you want?"
"We want... a shrubbery!"
Somewhere far off I heard an orchestra play a dramatic chord. 
"A what?"
Again they all chimed in; "Nee! Nee!"
I pleaded; "Please, please! No more! I shall find a shrubbery." Jeez, that was annoying!
"You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through these doors alive!"
It was about time to end this; "O Guards of Nee, you are just and fair, and I will return with a shrubbery." I said.
"One that looks nice."
"Of course."
"And not too expensive."
"Yes."
"Now... go!"

And with that I left the BBC and the 7 Dwarves, thinking what to do next. I had to get Lucky. And I still had to pee.


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## A4K (Apr 1, 2008)

My bosses are a bit like those guards at times...


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## wilbur1 (Apr 1, 2008)

Hey is that matts class pic?


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## Lucky13 (Apr 1, 2008)

Think so....I've been told that Matt is third from left....or was it right?


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## Matt308 (Apr 1, 2008)

Njaco said:


> The one by the waterfall.



I wasn't expecting a literal response.


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## ccheese (Apr 1, 2008)

I think Matt's the tall one, without a hat on. (3rd from left) Impressive lad...
isn't he ?

Charles


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## Matt308 (Apr 1, 2008)

I'm not that tall charles. I'm the one on the left giving the Benny Hill salute.


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## ccheese (Apr 1, 2008)

Charles


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## Wayne Little (Apr 1, 2008)




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## A4K (Apr 2, 2008)

(-Dramatic chord-) " Will our hero eventually 'get Lucky' ?? Will he find a toilet before the next chapter ?? Will he confuse tastes and start making out under the hood of the car instead of the back seat ?? Will he reveal the telephone number of those two lovely ladies ?? (Sorry, got carried away, Ed.)

Who knows ? Who cares ? WE DO !! So stay tuned for the next gripping episode of... 

"GEEEEEEEET LUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKYYY !!!!!"

(Brought to you by Colgate toothpaste, Axe aftershave, and Durex condoms... remember, you've got to look good, smell good, and have the right gear if you want to 'get lucky' (registered trademark) -don't go for substitites...)


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## Wayne Little (Apr 2, 2008)

I like it!!!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 2, 2008)




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## Wildcat (Apr 2, 2008)




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## Njaco (Apr 2, 2008)

And now another thrilling episode of "As The World Turns". As Brad meets Jeff at the "Pork and Prune" pub, Jillian has taken a seat in the corner to keep an eye on Brad. Unknown to Jillian, Marissa has called Mrs. Jackson and told her all about Jillian's plans to plant a claymore......
.
.
.
_wait....._
.
.
_Casey!! where's the right copy? How can I work if nobody can do a simple thing as...ok.._.
_ahemmm (clears throat)...._
.
.

I left the BBC with a full bladder and thinking how security was a few chips short of a Happy Meal. I had to focus on my next step and I decided to head north. If he was in Scotland I wanted to get there before nightfall. Kilts by day, who the hell knows by night. After several hours I knew I was getting close by the road signs littering the asphalt.


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## Njaco (Apr 2, 2008)

It was getting dark and I knew I wouldn't get anywhere during the evening. Pulling into the first roadside motel I saw, I swung into the lot. 

The place had seen better days, what with all the pink plastic flamingoes on the lawn and a dusty sign that read "The Bruce slept here!". I paid my fare to the toothless wonder behind the counter and with a crusty wink she showed me to my room. The room reminded me of the opening scene of "Apocalypse Now", with a fan so low it was keeping the grass cut on the bed. I left the lights off and finally settled in among the bugs.

After about an hour I felt someone touching my feet. The room was as dark as a liberal's personality when a sultry voice called out.

"How ya doing, honey?"
"Who are you?" I answered, wondering if I should look for a weapon. A slight odor of "Irish Spring" with a hint of Arthur Treacher's blew across my face.
"I'm room service."
Interesting.
"Why don't you put on the light?"
"I work better in the dark." she said and I could just make out a shadow moving to the end of the bed.
"I know what you mean," I said, "Why don't you take........OOMMMPPFFFFF!!!!!!"


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## Lucky13 (Apr 2, 2008)

So that's how a car feels when it gets crushed....


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## A4K (Apr 2, 2008)

Beware the kilted men - I hear they like to watch out for sheep, especially when they're 'wet'! (Elsewhere they'd have just put up a red light)


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## A4K (Apr 2, 2008)

Missed the last page..! - I think I prefer the kilted men !!!!!


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## Becca (Apr 2, 2008)

ok...wait one dagburned minute. #1) Where did you get that pict of me and Les from our wedding night..?? #2) NOW where is Matt?? By the waterfall?? and he's the short one??? 

AND Monty Python called..they want their sketch back. >


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## ccheese (Apr 2, 2008)

Can you just amagine that "hoss" with no drawers on ? O.M.G. ! I heard
there was a guy looking for his motorcycle, in there !



Les'Bride said:


> Where did you get that pict of me and Les from our wedding night..??



Honeychile: You may be well endowed, but not on that end !!

Charles


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## Becca (Apr 2, 2008)

OH NO Charles..I'm the hairy-legged one on the bottom!  LMAO!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 3, 2008)

This thread is getting better and better by the post, and yet another secret about Dan is out....


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## Njaco (Apr 3, 2008)

.

.

.
ummphff

.

.


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## Njaco (Apr 3, 2008)

I broke out of the room and into the parking lot, grasping great gulps of air. God, that was a horror! I thought I would never survive! I'm gonna have to send a thank you letter to McDonald's for sending that delivery truck past the window. Tons of Fun was out the door quicker than a New York minute! My chest was hurting and I had the name "Broyhill" tattooed on my back backwards. Stumbling towards the lobby I wondered if she had her own area code. As I checked out, something on the magazine rack next to the desk caught my eye. It was a magazine (duh!) and as I flipped through it something grabbed me by the short hairs. My next stop! I slapped a few bills down for the room and the mag and raced to my car. Now I knew where I could get Lucky!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 3, 2008)

*spits tea on the computer screen* LMFAO! You missed the "Glasgow by night" or is that the the next "special issue"?


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## A4K (Apr 3, 2008)

Why did I ever leave Scotland?!!! Crikey,that girl's a stunner!!!

Love the thread, Chris, good stuff mate!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 3, 2008)

Jolly good show old chap....carry on!


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## ccheese (Apr 3, 2008)

Whew... I thought for a minute our hero was a goner !!

Charles


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## Bucksnort101 (Apr 3, 2008)

One thing I am wondering about, did our hero ever get to a bathroom and relieve himself?


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## DBII (Apr 3, 2008)

I think it was pressed out of him while in bed.

DBII


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## Becca (Apr 3, 2008)

ew.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2008)




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## Heinz (Apr 4, 2008)




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## Njaco (Apr 4, 2008)

Due to the recent writers strike and the lack of any decent funding, we have opted to temporarily suspend the action series "Get Lucky". We are sorry for any inconvienance this may cause as we are well aware who is responsible. As soon as the writers fully sober up, we will bring you the next chapter of the exciting and breath-taking "Get Lucky", broadcast in full brilliant color and without interuption! In the meantime we offer to you, the lost episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Episode 234 - "Beam Me Up, Vader". 

.


Due to a technicallity, we are unable to present to you the Star Trek lost episode. So we present a clip - "The Point" - made by one of our secretaries.


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## Njaco (Apr 4, 2008)

And as always we ask that you support our sponsors. Remember - look good, Smell good and have the right gear if you want to Get Lucky! Thank You.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2008)

Sober up fast,man!!...


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## DBII (Apr 4, 2008)

O man, they always cancel the programs I like.

DBII


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## ccheese (Apr 4, 2008)

I just heard... the writer's strike is over. When's the next installment ?

Charles


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## DBII (Apr 4, 2008)

We want to get lucky!!!!

DBII


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## Matt308 (Apr 4, 2008)

Eewww... that's just not right DB.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Where's the love...? I don't feel the looooove.....


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Im surprised you can feel anything trapped under her!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Oooh....shut up, will ya!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Anybody hear something? sounds like mumbling or gasps.........Quick get some oil we'll try to slide him out!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

show her a mouse and she'll run off like a scared elephant!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Wow getting pretty intimate with the missus now huh?


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Missus? Never been much into whaling.....get the bl**dy harpoon out!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

But your honor, notice the defendant DOES NOT deny the facts, he is the man under the ..........wife in question


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

That's not a wife.....that's a....thing!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Hey no need to get upset.....its still YOUR thing!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

So what.....I am THAT shallow!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

THATS JUST WRONG!!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

My missus....


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

more like this..


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

wilbur1 said:


> THATS JUST WRONG!!!!!


And you are NOT that shallow then, eh? Hmmmmm......


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

wilbur1 said:


> more like this..


Excuse meeeee......that is your front door mate....!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Exactly


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

the one you posted is what answers my front door!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

You wish mate...!

Last time I was visiting you....this one opened your door like this, and told me that you were unavailable, smiled and closed the door...


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Lucky seriously man i dont want to get you in trouble...dude if your wife finds out your putting pics of her up here ....man remember the last time you were showin us how you could parachute with her underwear, i swear ive never seen any guy wet himself as fast as you did! then she grounded you for like 3 months! be carefull


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Sorry dude....you're mistaking me for Njaco now, remember...?


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

No the last time we were at his place his old lady locked him in the kennel, remember we were watching the discovery channel and the show about whales came on and he remarked that the 2 humpbacks mating made him think of him and her together


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Must have been the one before that then...


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

No i can tell by the roll hanging over the right, you married her twin sister maybelline


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Funny....as far as I know....that was matt308


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## Matt308 (Apr 5, 2008)

Steady...


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

No i am right...i'll dig up the pics from your wedding at the wharf


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Wilbur, Wilbur, Wilbur.....you know that you MUST open the garage doors when you work with cars and have the engines running like that....exhaust fumes are DANGEROUS.....!!! Or have you been smoking bad pot again?


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Dont tell me about fumes..heck the last time she lifted her arm at you i gagged for 2 hours!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

That was because I was making fun of you, and she was taking a swing at me, almost hitting you, and you took a bad turn of stench......remember? Luckily I ducked and got away unharmed....


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Oh yeah i remember...thats when you ended up kissin matt308 right on the lips! haha man that was a funny day!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

No, no, no.....that wasn't me.....don't you rememben ANYTHING...?? On the other hand, we had to take you to the hospital because of food poisoning, when you was found eating the table decorations instead for the salad that was served....understandable if you don't remember things....
What as kissing matt308 was this thing.....







Had to pick up matt308 in another ambulance because he was in a bad state of shock...


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## Matt308 (Apr 5, 2008)

Boy this thread has taken a turn for the worse. Njaco is gonna be pissed.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

He he were trying to pass the time for everybody while hes on the toilet getting inspired


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Well, if he was here to do his bl**dy job, this wouldn't have happened... 







Aaah.....so that's where he's getting his inspiration from...


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

Man that chick is FUGLEY!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Don't see her in those Gillette commercials on tv, do you? ......"The best a man can get...."


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## wilbur1 (Apr 5, 2008)

OH MY GOD!!!! imagine that in the morning!  they dont make enough beer for that one!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Not even enough single malt whisky, rum, vodka or gin!


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## Njaco (Apr 5, 2008)

I'm having a hard time getting to the next episode because these bloody roads in this god-forsaken country are *ssbackwards!! How can our hero get anywhere!!!


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## Matt308 (Apr 5, 2008)




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## Njaco (Apr 5, 2008)

As I raced down the M74 with my backteeth floating and my lungs returning to my chest, I was wishing for a quick end to this case. Already I have experienced more than I wanted to - and some that I wanted to forget. Despite that I still couldn't believe my luck in finding a possible answer in that mag. Another hour and I was driving up to what I was looking for - the "Taste of Gotland" Pub and laundramat. Strange combo but tell me something normal? The place was done up in an off pink color, as if some Hello, Kitty had sneezed on it. I pushed through the door and found myself in a scene right out of Salvatore Dali. 

It was then I remembered I had a more urgent matter. I quickly looked over at the bald-headed bartender and said. "Head." He flopped the wet rag in his hand over to his left, toward a dark corner of this place where I could just make out a door with the Universal sign for water closet pasted across the front. Throwing open the door, I immediately sensed I wasn't gonna be able to shake the dew off the lily. Fen!


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## Njaco (Apr 5, 2008)

Shuffling back to the bar with my eyes turning yellow, I decided to try the beer. 
"The best ya got" I said.
"Sure" he replied and it was then I noticed there were others in the place and they were staring at me. Swiveling around to face them with my best Charles Bronson face, I was hit with the fact that everybody in the place was bald! What the hell was this? A Telly Savalas fan club? A quick sound in front of me and I could see that the bar tender had slid me a glass with a possible gold liquid inside. I couldn't tell if the glass was frosty or just covered in filth and as I grabbed the handle, the bartender grumbled.
"Better drink that and go"
"I plan to." I shot back and downed a gulp. 

My mouth went numb and I desperately wanted a mouthwash chaser. I asked in a mumbled voice what the hell was the beer and Cueball answered,
"Well, we're out of Tennets so I gave ya a lager."
I now saw it was a Lucky Lager. Who would drink this?! I think my penis fell off ! As I struggled to finish what tasted as if someone bottled the sadness of all the terminally ill children in the world, one of the eggheads spoke.
"Yo, pansy!"
Every crome dome in the place started to get up and move towards me. Its going to be a long night, I realized.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 5, 2008)

Great stuff Njaco....great stuff!!!


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## Matt308 (Apr 5, 2008)

F#cking brilliant!!!!


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## plan_D (Apr 6, 2008)

Great so far... and that roundabout picture cracked me up... It's what happens almost every time my lass is navigating.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 6, 2008)

Yes, Matt has hit the nail on the head!!


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## Njaco (Apr 6, 2008)

I watched as a Yul Brynner on a cheesecake diet stood up and slowly made his way to me. My grip tightened on the handle of the beerglass.
"Who said ya could come in here, ya Bampot?!"
The ten other Rogaine patients slowly followed Yul's lead and got up to stand behind him.
"Who's asking?" I replied.
A smile slowly appeared on Yul's shiny glazed face and I saw the others were starting to nudge each other.
"The BSG!" he said with breath that smelled like a rancid herring delicacy. 
I pulled the glass down to my lap for better leverage and stared Yul straight in the eye. I matched his smile with one of my own but my face wasn't quite recovered from room service.
"What the hell is a 'BSG'? Is that like some immigrant food additive?" 
The smile disappeared.


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## Njaco (Apr 6, 2008)

"We're the Brittany Spears Gang and this is our house!" he said, trying to do his best Arnold impression, "and you're not welcome."
I almost dropped the glass. What freakshow did I walk into? I decided it was time to leave.
"What, you think I'm Doon the Dee on a digestive? There isn't any such thing as a Brittany Spears Gang. But I do have a question." I said.
I wriggled off the barstool. It looked like Yul was finally getting blood to his dome as his face wrinkled up. Someone in the back pipped, "Hit him, baby, one more time!"
"What's that?" he asked and took 2 steps towards me. I backed away, seeing the door about 10 feet away. 
If I timed this right.....
"Well..." I said. "Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?"
Just as quickly the blood drained from his face and in that spilt-second I made for the door. Reaching the safety of the outside, I turned to give one last parting shot when my world went black.

(_we take this moment to bring you a word from our sponsor_)


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## Matt308 (Apr 6, 2008)

More!! More!!!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2008)

Good stuff....good stuff!!


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## ccheese (Apr 7, 2008)

I'm glued to the computer... can't eat, can't sleep.... Hurry with the next
episode... !

Charles


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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2008)

When do we get to the saucy stuff...??


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## ccheese (Apr 7, 2008)

You don't mean..... Is our hero going to get "lucky" or get "Lucky" ?
There IS a difference....

Charles


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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2008)

Well......


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## A4K (Apr 8, 2008)

As the girls back home used to say - 'Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's all gone...'


Keep it coming (cumming?), Chris!


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## Njaco (Apr 8, 2008)

"Is it safe?"
The words were rough and measured and my eyes started to focus to the room. It was dark except for a single lamp with a low-watt dirty bulb for light. I was semi-sitting in what I took to be a lounge chair with my wrists taped down to the arms of the chair. My head was pounding somewhere between my ears and I still had to take a piss.
"Is it safe?" the voice asked again and just now I could make out a figure standing behind the lamp. I couldn't see his face but his hands reached down to a small metal table next to the lamp. There appeared to be kitchen utensils on top of the table.
"Is it safe?"
His voice had an echo which, although I couldn't see the rest of the room, gave me an indication of its size. It was big.
"Is it safe?" he asked again. 
"You've got to get a bigger vocabulary." I replied, my head pounding with every word.
"Is it safe?" he said again.
"Is what safe? Who are you and where the hell am I?" I wriggled the tape holding my wrists and found I had some room to work my way out of them.
"Is it safe?" he asked, yet again like a stuck phonograph and tried to move from behind the lamp. Tried, because as he did, he tripped on something on the floor and I thought he was gonna do a Dick Van Dyke. I still couldn't see his face but I could see he held a syringe in his left hand, filled with a blue liquid. Great, I thought, somebody wants to play doctor and I'm the patient.
"Is it safe?" he said as he still moved around the chair, always keeping his face out of the light but he kept tripping as he walked. It was apparent his slinky doesn't go all the way down the stairs.
"Hey, Dr. Menegele, wanna tell me whats this all about?" I said, still working my wrist tapes.
"You are Number 6." he replied in a change of topic. Well that about answered everything, I thought. I didn't know what his problem was but I'd bet it was hard to pronounce.

And thats when it happened.
The tape on my wrists suddenly broke and my arms popped up from the force I exerted. This move must have surprised him as he tripped once again but this time fell backwards. As he did, the lamp wobbled and then followed the good doctor to the floor, both crashing with a sound that continued to echo in the room for a few seconds. A muffled groan and then all was silent. Except for my bladder which I swear must have been lodgeing a complaint to my body. Now everything was dark and I slowly got up from the chair. I could feel with my feet that Mr. Safe was out cold on the floor. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." I said and gave a swift kick.

I slowly made my way across the room, arms out in front of me, trying to reach a wall or something. It was darker than a day in Sweden and I was hoping to get out soon and relieve myself. After a few feet I couldn't hold it anymore. Not knowing what was around me, I decided to go right there. Opening my fly, I soon was.......


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## DBII (Apr 8, 2008)




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## ccheese (Apr 8, 2008)

I know the feeling..... I peed on an electric cattle fence, once..... and only
once. My go-nads hurt for a week.......

Charles


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## Becca (Apr 8, 2008)

nuh-UH!! @ Charles....really??? 

and as a side note...reading this thread at work= BAD. ESPECIALLY after taking a big gulp o'coffee.


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## Matt308 (Apr 8, 2008)




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## evangilder (Apr 8, 2008)

ccheese said:


> I know the feeling..... I peed on an electric cattle fence, once..... and only
> once. My go-nads hurt for a week.......
> 
> Charles



Yep, that hurts like hell! I did it many years ago, and it won't happen again!

And for the record, Becca, it's always best to take a drink of any fluid and swallow it before opening a thread. I have wasted a couple of keyboards here.


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## A4K (Apr 9, 2008)

"...And the question on everyone's lips - ...well, Charles' anyway... -Will our hero get 'Lucky' ? Or will he 'get lucky' ? Will our hero get bounced by that big beheameth and get very 'UN-lucky' ? Possibly our hero will 'get lucky' and get 'Lucky', or maybe he'll 'get Lucky' and get 'Lucky' then 'get lucky' with 'Lucky', or - ***CUT!!!!!*** 


(THE ADVERTISERS WOULD LIKE TO DISCLAIM ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ABOVE ANNOUNCEMENT - OUR POOR ANNOUNCER JUST HAS THESE LITTLE FITS NOW AND AGAIN, EVER SINCE HE TRIED TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND AND WATCH AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF 'WALKER, TEXAS RANGER'. THE DAMAGE IS, ALAS, IRREPAIRABLE)


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## DBII (Apr 9, 2008)

I'm so confused??? Is this thread sponsored by Lucky Strike?  


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU49DSS1ibc_

DBII


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## ccheese (Apr 9, 2008)

DBII said:


> I'm so confused??? Is this thread sponsored by Lucky Strike?
> 
> 
> _View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU49DSS1ibc_
> ...




I remember that commercial !! I was 14 at the time....

Charles


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## DBII (Apr 9, 2008)

I remember Luck Strike from the Jack Benny Show....LSMFT...D** I am old.

DBII


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## Njaco (Apr 9, 2008)

The daylight hit me as I crawled through a door and into the outside world. I was in an alley and I propped myself up against a wall, trying to gather my wits. The door must have opened when I did Number One on whatever shocked the hell out of me. I smelled of burnt urine and venison as I took stock of where I was. The alley wasn't long and from the sounds of it, the sidewalk a few feet away, was busy. Gingerly I groped myself to a standing position.

Hell, this was getting tiresome! In just 24 hours I had been electrocuted, knocked over the head, screamed at by a platoon of mental midgets and cannon-balled so hard I didn't think I would have a bowel movement for a month. And I still had to take a leak - that electric shock must have shut down my bladder quicker than an onion fart. This Lucky case was starting to turn into a real pain in the arse. I wasn't getting anywhere and I was more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. I needed answers and I needed to get Lucky.

I stumbled along the alley and out onto the sidewalk. I was on a city street bordered by some colorful stores.


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## Njaco (Apr 9, 2008)

Leaning against the outer wall of the first store I came to, I took in the surroundings. There were no clues as to where I was and I looked into the store window to see if the place was open. And there in the window was a poster with possibly another clue (great how these things happen, huh?). Making my way through the door, I walked straight to the salesman who was sitting behind a high counter, watching television. There was no one else in the store.
He spoke first.
"You look like crap. Is that the style now?"
My words escaped me. For a moment.
"Just came from a wedding. Listen, I need your help." I said.
He went back to his TV. "I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
I started to get the picture. This guy was twa bubbles aff the centre with a tongue that would clip clouts.
"You've got a poster in the window and I need to know how I can get there." I said.
"Ah, suffering from Clue Deficit Disorder, are yeh. You can go to the train station on John Finnie and take her to Ardrossan where you can get a ferry over to the Isle. From there, you're on yer own. Now, If I throw a stick, will you leave?" he replied.
This guy was an expert on padded cells.
"Being the loudest kid on the short bus is not something to be proud of." I snorted.
He broke a smile, "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up." he said.
With that he went back to his TV and I walked out into the sunlit street. I was starting to feel abit better and maybe, just maybe, by tonight I would get Lucky.


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## Becca (Apr 9, 2008)

evangilder said:


> Yep, that hurts like hell! I did it many years ago, and it won't happen again!
> 
> And for the record, Becca, it's always best to take a drink of any fluid and swallow it before opening a thread. I have wasted a couple of keyboards here.



Nice. NOW ya tell me!


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## Becca (Apr 9, 2008)

and Njaco...I'll have to concur..its fecking BRILLANT.


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## ccheese (Apr 9, 2008)

LMAO !!!

Charles


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## Matt308 (Apr 9, 2008)

Well done.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2008)

Yeah, LMAO too.! this is great stuff...


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## Catch22 (Apr 10, 2008)

Where'd you come up with this? Brilliant!


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## A4K (Apr 11, 2008)

This is easily one of my favourite threads! Great stuff, Chris!


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## Njaco (Apr 11, 2008)

I made my way through the strange little town I found myself in, past the colorful drunks in the street surrounded by Johnnie Walker bottles until I came upon John Finnie street (_John Finnie Street was opened in 1864. It has some of the finest architecture in Kilmarnock. One of the specifications was that the buildings were to be constructed of red sandstone. This still remains to this day with only two of the buildings being white sandstone. The street is named after Kilmarnock born John Finnie who put up the money for the street to be constructed. Must be nice to have money....ED._ history) I found the train station - the Kilmarnock Train Station, I had a town name now - and asked the wizzen-looking conductor when the next train to Ardrossan was. He mumbled that the train leaves about 3pm and shuffled off to find his personality. The clock on the platform wall showed it was 9am through the dirt, so I had a few hours to kill.

I strolled down a couple streets, taking my life into my hands, when I reached a dreary place called the Portmann Hotel. Pushing aside the doorman I went to the clerks desk and signed for a room. I needed to re-charge and prepare for the next step in this crazy carousel of a case. Reaching my room (what with the plastic flowers and the smell of potato bread that seemed to stick to everything.), I was about to head for the bathroom when a knock came to the door.

Remembering the last time someone came to my room, I grabbed a thin lamp that was sitting on a small table next to the door. At least it was daylight- I'd see what was coming. A second knock. Gripping the lamp, I answered, "Whose there?"
"Room Service." was the reply in a smallish voice.
I wasn't falling for that again. It might be her sister!
"No thanks, I gave at the office." I said.
"Please sir, may I come in?" she said.
There are times when I question myself as to why I do the things I do. This was one of those times. I opened the door slowly, with the lamp held tight, ready to swing.

But it wasn't Mamu.

A thin, beautiful brunette sheepishly walked into the room, and smiled. Stunned, I let the lamp drop from my hand and it crashed to the floor.
"Oh!" she said.
"Bill me." I replied.
"Sir, I'm here as your room service. Is there anything I can do for you? Anything?" and the smile melted me.
"Well," I started, "What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that? 
She blushed and stood up a little taller. I relaxed and closed the door after her.
"This is just a service we provide to our new residents." she said.
I sat down on the bed, trying to look as cool as possible. Talk about getting lucky!!
"That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed." I said.
"Really?" she replied and started to remove the buttons of her shirt.


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## Njaco (Apr 11, 2008)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 12, 2008)

NO F###ING way are you stopping this here


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## Wayne Little (Apr 12, 2008)

Get on with the next friggin' episode then and fill in the gaps!!..


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## Njaco (Apr 13, 2008)

The New Fall Schedule for BBC 61!!

_BBC 61 is proud to bring you the Fall Television lineup - an amazing array of exciting shows to keep you entertained for a whole hour!_

Check out Wednesday Nights when BBC 61 presents "*Get Wilbur*!" Remember sharp, bright comedy with no laughter that tells a compelling story? Look no further! Wilbur, the haplessly side-kick of Sam Slade from the popular "*Get Lucky*" show gets his own program full of wild adventures and crazy situations! In the first episode, Wilbur, now a central tunnel support on the M4 has his hands full trying to keep his in-laws from tearing each other apart when they all try to borrow the same book - "The 1994 United States Tax Code" - from the local library. Get ready to laugh so hard you'll need new underwear!

Following "*Get Wilbur*" is BBC 61's surprise hit, "*Get Lucky*", back for a new season starring Sam Slade as the private eye who tries to get Lucky in every episode! This season Sam tries not to bore himself and TV viewers by actually getting Lucky and forgoing any of the popular culture refrences that have worked in the past. In the season opener, Sam gives up on the Lucky case and hires Jim Rockford from California to finally Get Lucky. Adult situations not possible. 

On Thursday nights tune in to the 13th season of "*Libyian Idol*!" Crack open the Koran, put on your hijab, and watch as 99 virgins compete by singing the same 2 songs for 23 weeks - "Kill All the White People" and "Ahmed, the Dead Terrorist"! Hosted by Mr. T, billed as the new face of BBC 61, "*Libyian Idol*" will keep you on the edge of your tent! Must see car-crash TV!! (_Not to be confused with Kuwati Idol -ED.)_

Fridays will never be the same as BBC 61 presents "*The H-Files*". Watch in suspense as 132 GOA accountants try to decipher Hillary Clinton's tax returns from her hubby's presidential years. Can total feminist domination get any better? "*The H-Files*" is a dedicated showcase for the next generation of comedy and entertainment talent, especially for the next 4 years. A word of caution - this program is not intended for young children and may cause sleep apnea in everyone else.

Watch BBC 61 for all you're News Media Needs!!!

_Go to the BBC 61 Talk site to find forums and more info for your favourite shows. The BBC 61 is not responsible for the content of external internet sites or anything shown in their trashy sit-coms._


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## Wayne Little (Apr 13, 2008)

Now we're gettin somewhere....I think?


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## wilbur1 (Apr 13, 2008)

OOOOHHHHH S##T!!!!! this is funny!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 13, 2008)

This is GOOOOD...!


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## A4K (Apr 14, 2008)

Wow, Danger Mouse is back!!! Is Hillary Clinton playing the role of Silas Greenback or the caterpillar??


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## DBII (Apr 14, 2008)

Laughing to hard to type.....

DBII


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## Matt308 (Apr 14, 2008)

Njaco, you effer, if you are not plagarizing this $hit, you are in dire need of a publisher. You are brilliant man. How comes none of your other posts are worthy of the letters you use? 

More! More!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 14, 2008)

Matt308 said:


> Njaco, you effer, if you are not plagarizing this $hit, you are in dire need of a publisher. You are brilliant man. How comes none of your other posts are worthy of the letters you use?
> 
> More! More!



Beer comes to mind


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## Njaco (Apr 14, 2008)

.


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## Njaco (Apr 15, 2008)

I made the train with 5 minutes to spare, which was lucky because she went off like a niner at a wharfies picnic! By the time I made it out of the room I was as happy as a dog in a hub cap factory. She was even fitter than a Mallee Bull. That was one room service I wasn't gonna forget! I settled in my seat on the train and gazed out the fly-encrusted window. Would this next step finally get me to Lucky? I went over the clues that I had - the "Para Handy" show was about the west coast of Scotland, the concert at Campbelltown Pier had a few Scandanavian bands playing and there was probably alot of drinking there - all vices that Lucky might follow. I hoped I was on the right track and I would get Lucky soon. And what the hell was that smell? The train had the odor of an aborigine's armpit!

With my nose stuffed into my shirt the whole trip, the train finally pulled into the Ardrossan station and I sought out the conductor and some fresh air. I found him by the baggage area. He was dressed up like a Pox doctor's clerk and he could probably open his mail with that nose! Holding back an urge to laugh, I asked where I could get a ferry to the isle.
"Ain't no ferry to the isle, ya numpty." he said.
That wasn't what I wanted to hear.
"How do you suppose I can get there." I said.
"I suppose you take a plane. Airports just outside of town."
"How can I get there?" I replied.
"Well, I would use the noodle you got at the top of your shoulders and...."
"Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date." I cut him off and went to look for a taxi.

(_and now a word from our sponsor.)_


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## Njaco (Apr 15, 2008)

The taxi went in and out like a fiddlers elbow through the town and I almost did a video lunch a few times. I still had to shake hands with the unemployed and that ride didn't help. We pulled up to a grass field with a few planes and a falling-down nasty wooden shack full of dead flies with a sign across the front that read, "The South (_something_) Flying Club". The heat of the afternoon made it drier than an Arab's fart and the place smelled of it. I threw Richard Petty a couple of bucks and looked around. It didn't appear that the place was even functioning let alone an airport. There was debris and rusting pieces of metal all about with snippets of yellowed grass pushing through in places. I was just about to relieve myself when something shuffled through the door of the shack and into the sunshine.

He looked like Groucho Marx on vicodin and was covered in grease and oil stains. He had on a single coverall and nothing else, the hair on his shoulders looking like a jungle.
"Help ya?" he asked and then spit a wad of some brown-green mass onto the ground which missed and hit his foot. It disappeared in the growth of hair that reached to his toes.
"You charter flights?" I asked, stupidly.
"Yup." he said and then swallowed - what, I didn't want to know.
"I'm trying to get to Campbelltown. Can you take me?" I glanced around this train wreck of an airport, looking for something that reminded me of a plane.
"Yup." he replied and coughed, hacking up another brown-green mass, this time hitting his other foot.
"Umm, how much?" I asked now having to pee and possibly puke at the same time.
"50." he said and looked me over, his hand scratching for something around his rear area. I was afraid of more brown-green masses.
"OK, what do we go in?"
"Behind the house." he said and waved his hand behind him. 
House? I could tell he probably couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. But I wanted to put an end to this case, so I strolled around to the far side of the shack and was greeted by a large, silver plane that blinded me in the sun.


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## ccheese (Apr 15, 2008)

Chris: I agree with Matt. If you're not stealing this stuff from some comic
book, you need to give up that dirty/stinking Animal Control stuff, buy a good
computer and put this stuff to print. After a couple of chapters, a publisher
should be kicking your door down. But, first you need an agent...... 

Here's my card !!

Charles


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## Wayne Little (Apr 15, 2008)

Simply BRILLIANT!!..


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## Wildcat (Apr 16, 2008)

Funny stuff Njaco!!


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## A4K (Apr 16, 2008)

Can I have your autograph, Mr. Njaco ?!!! Love it, Chris!!!


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## wilbur1 (Apr 16, 2008)

Keep it comin man this is excellant


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## Njaco (Apr 16, 2008)

.


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## DBII (Apr 16, 2008)

Another get edition...and...and...and he stayed within the lines as he colored the pictures. 

DBII


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## Matt308 (Apr 16, 2008)

I liked that fact that there were no 50s cliche's.


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## A4K (Apr 17, 2008)

Just gets better and better, mate..!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 17, 2008)

Yeah, agree with you there mate...


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## Becca (Apr 18, 2008)

FTR..I'm SO glad I changed my dressing and took a pain pill BEFORE I read the new additions. TRULY!


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## ccheese (Apr 18, 2008)

And now, ladies and germs, we have pictures. What's next for our hero,
a dose ?

Charles


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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2008)

A dose of what Mr C?


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## wilbur1 (Apr 19, 2008)

Viagra


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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2008)

Luckily enough, our hero doesn't need that....


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## wilbur1 (Apr 19, 2008)

Well thats true, alot of women say it doesnt work for them


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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2008)

How do YOU know that, hmmmm?


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## Njaco (Apr 19, 2008)

I was one of the first passengers on the plane and plopped into my seat with a groan. I had chosen a seat off the wing with a window, close to the exit door. I wanted some way off if things went haywire. The plane started to fill with passengers and I was wondering where they all came from? Did a ferry just let off? There were your typical tourists and some business types and a bloody whole rugby team. Everbody took their time getting seated and there was alot of milling about when one of the stewardesses shouted, with a voice that could peel paint,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" .

Everyone quickly took their seats including one fat b*stard that had to sit behind me with what I hoped was his knee in the back of my chair. He was the fattest thing I've ever seen and I've been on safari. Just as I was about to get writer's block, the head stewardess spoke up.

"Welcome aboard Suckling Airways Flight 245 to Campbelltown... I'm Cindy and I'll be your hostess for this flight. A few things to remind you if you haven't flown before. As we will be flying over water, your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. No touching the stewardesses and fill out the forms in the back if you want to speak to the Captain. Thank you for flying Suckling Airways!"

I tried to get comfortable in my chair as we took off from that rat-bag airport and the stewardesses started to bring out snacks and drinks. I hadn't eaten since....well, awhile, so I checked out the menu. Everything was cooked, baked, smothered, BBQ'd, burnt and pickled in vegemite! What the blazes is a Deep Fried Vegemite Cupcake with Mustard!?! What the h*ll is a vegemite?! Sounded like something that would explode in your stomache! I passed on the food and decided that maybe I could get into the bathroom. I still had to take the dragon for a walk and I wasn't smelling too good at the moment.

As I got up from my seat, I glanced out the window. What I saw stopped me in my tracks!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2008)

This is gonna hurt....


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## Matt308 (Apr 19, 2008)

What about the dragon? What about the dragon!?


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## Catch22 (Apr 19, 2008)

Haha this is great!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 19, 2008)

Are we chasing dragons now....??


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## Lucky13 (Apr 20, 2008)

Is this your "thinking" chair?


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## lesofprimus (Apr 20, 2008)

LMAO, baby stroller par excellance...


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## Njaco (Apr 20, 2008)

Forget Lucky! Forget the girls! Forget my bladder! Forget Dumbledore behind me with his knee!
As I had gotten up from my seat, going to the head, I happen to glance out the window. What I saw made me freeze! I moved my face closer to the round little window.

Something was on the wing!

It was near the engine and looked like a cross between Alf and Rush Limbaugh. Crouching and moving I could see it had a good grip on the wing and flossed teeth. I quickly returned to my seat and stared out the window, bringing my face closer to the glass to get a better look. It was still there and it seemed to have an interest in the engine. I could see as it pulled out a Sharpee and started scribbling around the engine cowling. Just as I was hoping that the glass was thick enough to keep it from me, it turned, looked straight at me and smiled.

I quickly shut the window door and started to sweat. What the h*ll was that? How was it staying on the wing? Did OJ really do it? Seeing one of the stewardesses nearby, I motioned her over. She and her smile floated over and in a squeaky voice asked, "Can I help you, sir?"
"There's something on the wing." I said.
"Yes, its called an engine. Its there all the time and theres another on the other side." she repiled.
"No, no, no! Some sort of creature."
"Maybe we hit a bird. They can be rather messy and you really can't eat them afterwards. May I bring you a lager?"
"You're not listening, " I said, as I could feel the panic rising in my throat. At least I hoped it was panic.
"There is some sort of alien creature, hoping around on the wing of the plane. Its not falling off." I sputtered.
"Oh," she said, "well that is different. Lets take a look." and she lifted the window door to look at the wing.

It was gone.

"I don't see anything, sir." she said and I could tell by the tone of her voice that in her mind I was the only genius with an IQ of 60.
"It was right there!", I said, "Look at the grafitti!!" I pointed to the engine.
"That could be instructions for the maintenance crew. They're always losing their manuals, you know." she said and started to straighten up from the window.
"Its not instructions, you idiot!" I said, my voice rising, "It was writing something on the engine! There is something on the wing and we need to land...now!!"
She leaned down close to me. "If you don't stop shouting, I'll have to call security and we don't want that to happen, do we?" she said.

I was speechless for once. Closing the window door, she continued.
"Now, I'll bring you a nice, warm lager and a happy pill and everything will be better. And we'll check the plane out when we land. Ok?"
I ignored her, staring straight at the back of the seat in front of me. As she turned to go, I could hear Orson Welles behind me whisper to her.
"Is there anything I can help with, miss? I'm a Forum Thread Detective and I can help if this thread gets out of control." he said.
"No, no, the passenger in front of you thought he saw something on the wing. But its ok now." she replied.
I smiled. Like Butterball could quickly get out of that seat without the aid of a whole jar of vaseline. I had no threat from him. But out the window was another matter. Did I really see something? Do I need glasses? Did I pay my electric bill last month? These thoughts ran through my head as I reached for the window door. Gripping the handle with my sweaty hand I yanked the door up and looked out the window.


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## Catch22 (Apr 20, 2008)

What could it be?


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## A4K (Apr 21, 2008)

"Indeed...What COULD it be ?? An M&M on steroids ?? A teenage mutant ninja turtle ?? A4k at four in the morning ?? (Oh, God, no..anything but that...!!!)...

What will become of our hero ? Has he come face to face with death, or just the contents of the in-flight snack in it's natural state ? 

Who knows ? Who cares ? (Anyone..?) Yes !!, we have one bidder on my left, one bidder on my right, two, TWO more on my left, four bidders up, ladies and gentlemen, do I hear a fifth? Yes! We have a fifth! Original 'Get Lucky' novel in mint condition, not to be passed up...going at five bidders, going, going.. No! We have a sixth bidder, ladies and gentlemen, the man with the duck on his hat in the back row...okay, so a few people will be staying tuned to see the next thrilling installment of....

GEEEEEETTTTTT LLLUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKYYYYYYYYY !!!"


(Another fine product from Bastards Incorporated (Registered trademark) Batteries not included. Barbie's dildo and Ken's viagra tablets sold seperately)


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## Wayne Little (Apr 21, 2008)

Friggin' great stuff....


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## ccheese (Apr 21, 2008)

Musta been something he ate......

Charles


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## Lucky13 (Apr 21, 2008)

Or smoked.....or drank.


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## Thorlifter (Apr 22, 2008)

Great stuff Njaco.


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## Njaco (Apr 22, 2008)

.


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## Njaco (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi, I'm Brighton Early and I'm interupting our programing to remind you about our pledge drive here at BBC 61. As we approach the 50th anniversary of our first broadcast (April 24, 1959), we're most excited about the next fifty years, and especially about the next five. That's why I'm asking you to support BBC 61's 50th Anniversary Fundraising Marathon with a tax deductible contribution. A lot hangs in the balance for us this year, including two incredible opportunities which I hope you'll help us fulfill.

First, the FCC, in its divine wisdom has granted BBC 61 permission to build a booster FM antenna on the Hubble telescope. This could finally give BBC 61 the coverage that our broadcast license has long promised but which local geography and the ozone layer have always denied us. But the booster will cost us over $100,000, and this tantalizing possibility comes at a time when our finances are falling short of covering our present operations. That and Casey in Marketing just got a raise.

Our second project for 2008 concerns the growing problem of speedos and bikinis worn by citizens who exceed the Maximum Gross Weight Limit of our beaches. Fat rolls and vagumaches are eye pollution that needs to be elimnated from our shores. To address this issue, we're spending more time sending employees out to the dunes with embroidered bed sheets to cover up these unsightly sand whales and restore order to the summer shore-going experience. But those bed sheets cost money and so do the legal fees. Please help us help you!

And to help you with the pledge drive, we are offering "listener premiums" that are available for a nominal donation. Through on-air fundraising drives, which also takes place from March to February, individuals and families all over Luxenbourg become members of their local BBC 61 stations, constituting our single largest source of revenue.

Our first listener premium comes with a pledge of 60 euros. This donation will get you the second season of the "*Get Lucky*" show on Beta and a copy of the comic book, "*Get Lucky: Volume Two*" on which the popular BBC 61 series is based. Although the 2d season hasn't even been filmed, we're hoping most people won't notice.

For a pledge of 3 puppies and your sister, we will send you an autographed copy of the record album that rose to the top of the Billboard 100 in 1962, "*Lucky Rhumba*"! But thats not all. We're saving the best for last!

For a donation of 100,000 euros we will send, in a limo stocked with a defibralator, Trish and Diane from the office pool! What better way to show your appreciation for BBC 61 than spending 20 minutes with these two!

Don't forget--donations made to BBC 61 are not only tax deductible, but any time spent listening to BBC 61 is redeemable at the end of your life, and that's an offer that's good worldwide.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## ccheese (Apr 22, 2008)

Now I ask you...... where can you get this kind of entertainment for free ???

Keep it going, Chris, you're onna roll......

Charles


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## Catch22 (Apr 22, 2008)

Hehehe.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 24, 2008)

Eerrmmm....cough...cough...hrmmhrrmmm.....heeelllooo...! Aren't forgetting something here....GET LUCKY!!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 24, 2008)

Nice!!


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## A4K (Apr 25, 2008)

Oh, for 100,000 euros...!


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## pbfoot (Apr 25, 2008)

I think this pic needs a little explaining
in the area and not so much as hello


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## Njaco (Apr 27, 2008)

The scream that burst forth from my throat would have made a 5yr old proud! The thing on the wing was now at the window, breathing heavily and pressed up against the glass like he was at a Victoria Secret's store-front! He put a new definition on the term "road kill". I tried to stop the yelling but I couldn't control myself. I turned to Jabba the Hutt , with my mouth drooling and throwing spit and almost started to laugh as his face made birthing contortions as he struggled to get out of his seat. The stewardesses dropped trays and bed sheets and started to converge on me. All I could do was point. Point at the window as the thing smiled and started to write something in the frost that his breath made on the window. I finally moved my feet and took a step back, bumping into Cindy, who grabbed me in a Heimlich hold. Christ she was strong! The screaming stopped but now I couldn't breathe!! Remembering my days as Biggie Smalls' body-guard, I applied a katate-dori move on her. She yelped and released me, falling into the growing group of passengers behind her. 

I fell forward onto my hands and knees and was again staring at the window. The thing was gone. What he wrote was still visible, gradually fading as the jetstream of the plane washed it away. But not before I could read what it had written.

"Save the Cheerleader, Save the world."

That was when an intense pain woke me up to the real world.
Sasquatch had finally gotten out of his seat and was now standing over me, with his fat hand between my crotch, gripping for all he could.
"You're not going anywhere, funnyboy!" he hissed and tried to lift me off the floor by my jewels and onto the seats. The pain shot through the top of my skull and for the second time in as many minutes, I screamed so loud I heard cocktail glasses breaking in First Class. 
"You stagnant pond scum licker, get off my balls!!!" was all I could shout through the pain and filled bladder.
Then above the yelling, shouting, smashing glass, bad elevator music and the Yahtzee game in the corner, I heard someone with a deep, gruff voice shout, "Scrum!" followed by "Balls Out!" I saw through my tears that the rugby team that was four rows behind me, now stood up as one and rushed each other, taking a blonde and her kid with them. Only problem was I apparently was the focal point of this crazy melee as they started to jump and collapse on top of the Pillsbury Doughboy and myself. And now for the second time in as many minutes the wind was knocked out of me.

Gasping for air underneath that pile of jock-straps, I almost choked on the smell of feet and wet dog. I could see bits of old chewing gum under the seats as I tried to grab a chair leg and drag myself out. I was beating back conciousness when suddenly the floor of the plane pitched and I could hear the engines immediately go into a high-pitched whine. What now? I thought and winced as someone farted 6 inches from my face. The new angle of the floor dropped a couple of the dopes off the top but not before I tried one last time to wiggle free and then I blacked-out.


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## wilbur1 (Apr 27, 2008)

After this,,,,,you need help dude.....this is actually good stuff


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## Njaco (Apr 28, 2008)

Sorry about the time lag. Cr*p at home.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 28, 2008)

No need for any apologies, don't mind this thread NJ, take care of your "crap" first mate, that's far more important! Hope it works out for you....!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 28, 2008)

Yeah......with Lucky on this!


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## A4K (Apr 28, 2008)

Yep, I'm with the guys on this too, Chris. Love the thread, but home comes first.

Concordia Domi Foris Pax - 'Harmony within, peace without'.


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## ccheese (Apr 28, 2008)

Yea man.... the home front comes first....

Charles


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## Njaco (Apr 29, 2008)

"Is it safe?"
The words rattled me back to conciousness. My eyes focused on what turned out to be a fluorescent ceiling light with the remains of dead bugs and a condom in the lamp. I slowly lifted my head and could see that I was laying on some type of gurney, in the middle of a large room, filled with people.
"Is it safe enough to move him?"
The person speaking was standing next to me, talking to some goofball who looked like he could suck an egg from a chicken. Looking around, I realized I was in an airport concourse. People were moving back and forth like ants at a picnic and a few were talking to some offical looking dudes that were taking notes on little clipboards. A grand parade of lifeless packaging. I sat up on the moving bed.

"The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red
zone." the intercom blared above the din. 

I tried to gather myself together and watched the human traffic for a few seconds. I finally decided I had to strain the potatoes.
"Hey, bozo! Which way to the bathroom?" I said to Mr. Safe, who appeared to have the warm personal charm of a millipede.
'You can't go just yet, sir." he said without so much as a glance my way.

"The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the red
zone." echoed down the concourse in a C3P0 voice.

"Why the hell not?" I said, "What the hell's going on and where am I?" 
Lizard lips finally turned to face me.
"We're at Campbelltown Airport and before you go anywhere I'm sure someone in authority will be wanting to speak to you." he said, dryly. I watched as on old lady walked up to a skycap and asked, "Did we land or were we shot down?" and then as she was escorted away among the throng.
"Talk to me about what?"
"About what you saw on the wing." he shot back. "There's a lot of damage and a lot of questions."
I shook as a shiver ran down my arms. The air-conditioning had kicked on. I didn't want to relive the experience on the plane again and I wasn't about to spend a few hours going over it with some rent-a-bobbie looking for a promotion. I needed to get Lucky and end this trip.

"The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, there is no stopping in the white
zone." droned on.

"Hey, listen," I said, "let me hit the head for a second. I'm about busting a gut here. Let me take a leak and I'll be right back."
Stephen Hawkings appeared to think it over for a second, looked over his shoulder twice then stared at me with the hardest face he could make. I thought he was pinching a loaf.
"Alright," he said, "But get back here in 2 minutes or I'm coming in and dragging you out."
"Great!" I said and slid off the gurney, clapping him on the shoulder. He looked like he needed a cue card to say "Huh?"

Above me another voice shouted, "NO! The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading and there is no stopping in the red zone."

I laughed to myself as I disappeared into the crowd. Pauley Shore would be funny again before he'd see me back! As I blended in with the crowd, I passed several large windows that looked out onto the tarmac. I could see them bringing in the plane. The area on the wing around the engine was torn up, like someone took a can-opener to the thing. Glad I was off that ride!

I burst through an Exit door and out into sunshine and the airport parking lot, thinking chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here was done. Now to find a toilet and get Lucky!


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## DOUGRD (Apr 29, 2008)

Which team is Lucky on, the red, the blue or the white?   

Great stuff Chris!!!


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## A4K (Apr 30, 2008)

Looks like Santa's little helpers practicing in case the reindeer teams break down...

..Another classic chapter in the continuing saga we've all come to know and love!  

Hope things are good at home too mate.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2008)

Great stuff buddy! This thread will become a classic.... 8) I hope that everything is going your way at the homefront mate....


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## Njaco (Apr 30, 2008)

No worries. Its just life.

Now how the 'ell did I get to 14 pages of this stuff?


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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2008)

Quality, imagination......keep it coming mate, we might have a bestseller here!


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## Wayne Little (Apr 30, 2008)

Yeah looks that way... keep it coming....


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## Njaco (Apr 30, 2008)

*New from Hasbin!*

Hasbin has announced that a new Monopoly game is available this year for vagrants and tax accountants. 

The Monopoly "Get Lucky" Edition game combines the best of classic Monopoly with out-of-date Pong computer games. Unlike the original version, players now operate with Confederate money, learn real-world insults, competition cooking, try to stay out of jail, and try their best to get filthy rich. But this version has been updated to reflect changes in how Lucky someone can be with no job, no college degree and no looks. Comes with title deed cards, chance and community chest cards, 6 MAC cards, 9 dice, 6 subway tokens, 2 houses, 400 hotels, G.I. Joe figurines, and limited-edition, hand-numbered, glow-in-the-dark condoms. "Get Lucky" Monopoly will be sure to bring a smile to even Grandma's leather face!

For ages 8 to 127.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 30, 2008)

Brilliant....bl**dy brilliant!! ROTFLMFAO!!!


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## Catch22 (May 1, 2008)

Hahaha.


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## ccheese (May 1, 2008)

Looking good, Chris. I hope your pal makes it to the head....

Charles


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## Wayne Little (May 2, 2008)

Lucky13 said:


> Brilliant....bl**dy brilliant!! ROTFLMFAO!!!



That simply says it all....


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## Njaco (May 3, 2008)

I broke out the Exit door and into the dusk of the setting sun. I ran past the Morgans, the Tatas and the Ladas in the parking lot and on into the town. I made it to a large highway and crossed it like a deer on Red Bull. I kept running. Past homes and stores selling deep-fried Mars bars and surströmming, past street sweepers and drunks in the road, past an old lady being mugged by a lesbian transvestite. I ran and ran. No more planes, no more taxis, no more trains. I had enough of the freakin' transportation around here. I finally slowed down when the houses disappeared behind me and the sun diappeared in front of me. I stopped and took in my surroundings.

I was on a two-lane road in the middle of no-where. No houses, a few trees, a McDonald's and from what I could see, fields of tall wheat or corn or Brussel sprouts. My kidneys started talking to me and I felt it was about time to water the flowers. A short pause and I could get on with the case. I felt close to getting Lucky and I actually felt better than I had since Boston. I stepped into the field and after about 100 yards, felt safe enough to unzip. But then a sound behind me made me stop.

Cutting through the noise of crickets and passing wind, I heard something take a step behind me. Before I could turn I was body slammed to the ground in a bear hug and pinned hard. In the dark I could make out a female form on top of me wearing two pieces of ratty leather loin cloth covering the interesting areas. She was strong and had my arms down at my wrists. All kinds of thoughts were racing through my head and not one acceptable for this thread. One thing I knew, she wasn't from Post #31. I finally spoke.
"You've got my attention. " I said, taking in the sights. She had more more curves than a race track.
"What tribe are you?" she asked with her face so close to mine I could count her nose hairs. Her breath smelled of oppossum.
"What?" I replied.
"Tribe! What tribe are you from?" she demanded.
Further off I heard another sound, as if someone was tripping into a pile of sticks. She turned and yelled.
"Roscoe, over here! I've got somebody!"
She turned back to me and glared.
"What damn tribe are you?! Have you completed the Immunity Challenge? The Tribal Council is in an hour and we need to know what you know!"
I was stunned and my face must have looked like I was getting an enema because her grip slowly relaxed. Tribe? Immunity Challenge? What the hell was she talking about? I could hear this Roscue fop bashing and stumbling through the field like a baboon on Guinness and I suddenly had an urge to get out of there. The girl was like a candy bar; sweet but a little nuts and I didn't want to meet Roscoe from the Ministry of Silly Walks. My mind was focusing on my next move when Roscoe finally joined our little group. They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like, obviously he never met Roscoe.


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## wilbur1 (May 4, 2008)

Thought you almost had lucky when you said lesbian transvestite


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## Lucky13 (May 4, 2008)

Ooiii!!


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## Wayne Little (May 5, 2008)




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## ccheese (May 5, 2008)

Out of the mouths of babes.....

Charles


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## Kruska (May 5, 2008)

Hello NJACO

really great stuff (arts), please keep it up 

View attachment 62515


What drives me nuts and makes me focus the very center of your posted pic is, what the h..l is the meaning of *SbB*

Oh wait, could it be Super big Boobs? well now that I might be on the right track, yeah right these chicks do have big boobs. Isn't it strange that one needs a hint from time to time?

Regards
Kruska


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## A4K (May 5, 2008)

I'd rather see those two (or four??) than Tribe-girl and Roscoe at any rate...

Great stuff again Chris!


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## Njaco (May 5, 2008)

Roscoe was built like a condom filled with marbles with a forehead to match. He stood in the light of the rising half-moon, wearing almost exactly what Candy Bar had on, except it didn't fit well. It hung in tatters and gravity was doing its best to pull it to the ground. He had bloody cuts across his shins but he didn't seem to notice them. I had never seen anything like him. His mother must have diapered his face and nursed his ass. He stood there, knuckles to the ground and glanced back and forth between myself and Candy Bar. 
"Grunembarks." he said, almost belching it out.
"He won't tell me what tribe he's with." said Candy Bar. 
"muckelfritz." he replied.
What the hell was he saying? I couldn't tell if he was speaking or had gas. And his breath was starting to bleach my hair. I've come across decomposed bodies that were less offensive than Roscoe.
"Shummmizz fil duffaloong" he spat out and pulled out a long cricket bat from behind him. He swung it a couple of times in my direction as if to make a point. He did. I looked at Candy Bar. 
"What am I? Flypaper for freaks!" I said and stood up from the ground. Candy Bar turned her head to me, a quizzical look on her face. She looked as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day.
"We've never seen you before. Roscoe wants you to follow us to our camp.... or else." she said.
"dra meg baklengs inn i fuglekassa!" I replied. But sizing up the situation, I decided I would play along with them until I could get away. Besides, Roscoe didn't need a stick, his shorts and breath were killing me.

Candy Bar led the way with me following and Roscoe taking up the rear, tripping on every blade of grass. At least I was upwind. After a few minutes we came to a clearing on the edge of the field with a low burning campfire in the middle surrounded by a few large logs and some bags and blankets. Roscoe pushed me over to one of the logs and in that lilting voice of his directed to sit my arse down. At least that is what I thought he said. I watched as Beauty and the Beast seemed to have a private conversation and then Candy Bar walked up to me, standing a few inches from my face.
"Who are you?" she asked and Roscoe appeared to mimick her with a grunt of "hummille noxx". 
I watched as Roscoe started to root around in one of the bags.
"My name is Slade and I need to take a whiz." I said suddenly remembering priorities.
"You have to prove you're not a spy." she said and turned to Roscoe. He handed her a lump of something that slowly started to ooze through her fingers. "Eat this" she said and plopped it in my lap. It sat there, oozing. And oozing.
"No thanks, I'm on a strict bean curd diet." I said and poked at it with a finger. It wasn't Jello.
"Eat it...or else." she said and Roscoe stepped closer.
"Ok, OK!" I replied. I looked at it again and could have sworn I saw it move by itself. "You have a fork or some catsup?"
I could actually hear Roscoe's breathing get faster and he pushed Candy Bar slightly to the side. He still had the bat in his hand, resting on his shoulder. Oh, what the hell, I thought and grabbed a handful of the stuff and shoved it in my mouth.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## Kruska (May 5, 2008)

"dra meg baklengs inn i fuglekassa!"    

How on earth do you come up with this stuff??

Regards
Kruska


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## wilbur1 (May 5, 2008)

NJ if you stop i will come to the hell state you call home and pin you down till you write more u ....u....ill think of somthin..... Man great work all this about a skirt wearin guy........sounds funny if your in the U.S.


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## ccheese (May 6, 2008)

Kruska said:


> "dra meg baklengs inn i fuglekassa!"
> How on earth do you come up with this stuff??
> Kruska




I think he speaks Klingon.......

Charles


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## Njaco (May 6, 2008)

MAILBAG!

We here at BBC 61 get lots of fanmail about your favorite shows and "Get Lucky" is no exception! So, in appreciation of our fans we present to you the best letters from the best and most loyal of fans - you!


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## A4K (May 7, 2008)

, and  !!!!!


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## Wayne Little (May 7, 2008)

Top stuff....LMAO...


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## wilbur1 (May 7, 2008)

I did not spill my beer !!!!!!


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## DBII (May 7, 2008)

I have not been able to follow get luck the past couple of weeks. I am exhausted from trying to read everything between phone calls at work. I had to get a new keyboard after Pepsi went flying out of my noise. I knocked over the can trying to clean up. I may have cracked a rib laughing. My coworkers are fitting me for a straight jacket! Will someone send me a Lucky Monopoloy game to play after I am institutionalized?

dbii


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## Njaco (May 7, 2008)

I've eaten escamoles in Mexico City, Casu Marzu in Sardinia and Lutefish steeped in lye. I've struggled with pacha in Bagdad and balut in Cambodia. I've had potted meat (mechanically seperated chicken) and Pickled Pork Lips and the bewildering Chili Brick. Big Macs in New York, Beggin' Strips in Detroit and Cuitlacoche in Tampa. I've had durian blow my nostrils out. Hell, I've eaten just about anything as long as there was some hair around it! But this! This was from Satan's own arse!

I shoved the mass into my mouth and immediately regretted it. I wanted to run my tongue across tree bark to get the taste out! Unfortunately, swallowing didn't help dissipate the flavor because the ooze melted, coating my mouth and lips with a glistening sheen of sadness. I was overcome by an urge to go in the field and eat grass until it was all out of me. It was that bad. The worst part was it smelled like corn that forgot to wipe. But I didn't let my hosts know what I was thinking.

I smiled at Candy Bar as my tongue tried to find a way out of my mouth. Roscoe just stood there, looking like he'd been pulled backward through a knothole. Grunting "foufff', he lowered the bat.
"All of it." said Candy Bar and stepped towards me to make sure I did. Fighting back an urge to puke my entire body out of my nose, I faced Roscoe.
"Hey buddy that's a nice shirt, what brand is it? Clearance?" I asked, trying to change the subject. The remainder of the glop that was on my lap, slid onto the ground and crawled away to join a Mariachi Band.
"That'll do, pig." he replied and started swinging the bat around in front of him. I was stunned that he could talk.

It was about this time that the lump of sludge hit my stomache.

I was in the middle of thinking of a come-back when my intestines interrupted the proceedings with a low grumble that grew in volume and length. Beauty and the Beast stopped and started staring at my mid-section. I found myself watching the upper part of my belt buckle as another grumble rolled out, almost as another language. I had an uncomfortable feeling that meant only one thing. A fis.

Another grumble and I let loose. Long in duration and piercing in sound, I had to say I was kinda proud. Geronimo and Pocahantas stood there dumbfounded, the cricket bat hanging limp at his side. Another second and their faces started to contort into strange shapes, like they were sucking on lemons. Sound wasn't the only gift that sludge had to offer. It brought with it a smell that would have gagged a maggot. I almost want to say it was like a freshly douched pork chop. Mutt and Jeff couldn't handle it. They fell to the ground and started writhing as the methane cloud passed over them and the campfire. I thought I was in trouble at that point but the fire actually blew out. It was then while they were trying to stuff dirt up their noses that I made my escape.

Breaking out one last promp, I bolted into the field and started running as fast as I could through the moonlit stalks, smiling to myself at how lucky I could be sometimes and praying I wasn't leaving a trail to follow me by.


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## ccheese (May 7, 2008)

I broke out in a cold sweat just reading this. Egad, Chris, why are you
wasting time playing ACO ?? I keep telling you.... you need an agent !

Of course..... NJACO's do eat regularly, don't they ?

Charles


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## Njaco (May 7, 2008)

Thanks Charles and everybody else. I'm having fun.


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## Lucky13 (May 8, 2008)

Top notch Njaco, top notch....!


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## A4K (May 8, 2008)

"Hi, I'll have a Big mac, large fries,a coke, and , oh, do you have those bar-b-q earthworms and Lutefresh edible soaps? I'm shopping for my in-laws"


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## DBII (May 8, 2008)

yum yum, just like mom use to make.... makes me miss B rations....

DBII


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## Njaco (May 11, 2008)

_And now a word from our sponsors...._


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## DBII (May 11, 2008)

Time to raid the kicthen for a beer and snack

DBII


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## Njaco (May 11, 2008)

It was a dark and stormy night. Ok, maybe it wasn't so stormy. Actually there weren't any clouds. And maybe not so dark as there was a half moon that bathed the fields in a silver sheen. But I didn't care. I was running - again - trying to get as far away from Mr. and Mrs. Neanderthal. My gut was still doing colon coughs and I must have sounded like a 5hp Briggs Stratton with a loose spark plug. After a few minutes, I stopped and crouched in the tall weeds, listening if they were following me. Nothing. Except one last tremendous fart which left me standing in my own crop circle.

Nobody was following. At least not through the sulfur trail.

I decided to keep walking - if I was moving I'd be a harder target. Maybe. I still had to take a leak but I wanted to be sure it was safe before I did. And it didn't seem all that safe here. In the distance I could hear crickets and frogs and a foghorn and Celine Deion music. I kept walking. After a few minutes I could make out a large, dark shape looming ahead of me. It appeared to be a house and as I got closer I confirmed it. But it wasn't any house I had ever seen before. It was built like small boxes on top of each other, kind of like those new flats in Upplands Vasby. A monkey with a hammer could have done better. By the light of the moon, I found a door on one of the cubicles. I opened it cautiously.

Inside it was dark except for the light of a lone candle. I could see the place was dirty and dusty with chairs and tables and a few couches. And soccer balls. Hundreds of them all around the place. On the floor, the chairs, even a few hanging from the ceiling. They were covered in dust and I could barely see the name brands. Not that it mattered. The balls that were hanging cast strange shadows from the lone candle across the room and they moved with each flicker. Except one shadow. It moved without aid of the light.

"All of my cats have names."
The shadow spoke with a grizzled voice that I could tell was aged.
"Is that what they're called -- cats?" I said, straining to see who was talking.
"Yes, cats, of course. What else could they be? Cats. Of course each one has his own name too." it said and moved into the thin light. He was an old man, covered in a bedsheet with tuffs of blue-grey hair poking out in patches. He was so shriveled I thought he had taken a 5 hour bath. One more wrinkle and he'd pass for a prune. A blotched hand reached down and started stroking one of the soccer balls.
"But there are so many of them. Do you know each one separately?" I asked, and wanted to smile. He seemed harmless unless he dropped the bedsheet. I had a feeling that he believed that a blood vessel was some kind of ship.

"Yes indeed, everyone. Actually,they all have three." he said, "The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn't just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter when I tell you a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES." 
He took a breath.
"An ordinary name and a fancy name. That's two. Do you want to guess what the third one is?"
I was speechless. Maybe he wasn't so harmless. I started to glance around for a weapon.
"But above and beyond there's still one name left over, And that is the name that you never will guess; The name that no human research can discover -- - But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess." he reached down and started stroking another soccer ball on a table, "Will you, my pet?"
It rolled off the table and onto the floor, joining a thousand others.
"Why did you go little fourpaws? You forgot to shut your big eyes." and he closed his eyes for a moment; then, "I have a Gumble Cat in mind!"

Here we go again, I thought and was hoping for a fast way out. I wasn't about to last another minute with Einstein the Cat Professor. I had to pee! I tried to switch gears.
"How long have you been living here?" I asked.
"For as long as I can remember." he answered without looking at me, just following the balls on the floor.
"How did you get here?"
"I have always been here..." he said.
"Are there any other humans?" 
"Gracious...no." he answered, as if it was a stupid question. Like he would know the difference.
"Have any other people ever passed through?" I tried to watch out stepping on the soccer balls and looked for a phone or anything that I could contact civilization with. Or a bathroom.
"Only one." he said and sat down with a dust cloud into an easy chair. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the picture of Lucky his sisters had given me.
"Who was it? Did they look like this?" I asked, not expecting a positive answer. But miracles will never cease.
"Yes...oh, my...that was him." he said and picked up a ball and started stroking it. Obscenely.


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## Wayne Little (May 17, 2008)

Strewth a week without getting Lucky!...  time for another fix....please!


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## Njaco (May 17, 2008)

I was stunned! He had seen Lucky?! I showed him the polaroid again.
"Are you sure this was the guy you saw?" I asked.
"He didn't like my cats." he mumbled and shuffled through some books on a table. As he moved, his head hit one of the hanging soccer balls and you would have thought it was made of crystal the way he grabbed it and started to carress it.
"Gus is the cat at the theatre door. His name, as I ought to have told you before, Is really Asparagus. That's such a fuss To pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus." he said and smiled.
I wanted to shout and dance and get a subscription to Reader's Digest! I finally had a solid lead on that Lucky bastard! After all the disasters of the past 24 hours, I was getting close. Close to getting Lucky.
"Where did he go?" I asked, holding back my enthusiasm.
"Campbell Soup, Neve Campbell, Bruce Campbell, Clan Campbell........"
"Campbelltown!" I shouted and accidently kicked a few balls. He frowned at me.
"Thats it. He didn't like my cats. Said my Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. Whats an antenna?"
I was on the right trail. But how to get to Campbelltown. The thought of using another form of transportation in this country made me shudder. But I couldn't walk either. That, somehow, was just as bad.
"I've got to get there, somehow." I whispered to myself. He must have heard me.
"I may be able to get you there. I'm full of secrets like Macavity." he said and winked at me. He started to shuffle over to a darker corner of the room, to a door and opened it.
"Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity." he spoke and disappeared through the door. 

I followed him.

We had walked out the back of the shambles of the house and into the yard - a yard covered with more soccer balls. It was starting to get light outside and the dawn was over my shoulder. He rambled over to something covered in a dirty, brown tarp. He smiled and started to sing.
"My uncle has a country place that no one knows about. He says it used to be a farm before the motor laws......"
And with that he pulled the tarp off.

It was a car.
A '73 Australian Ford XB GT Falcon with a Weiand supercharger on top of a 300bhp 351ci V8 with a 4-Speed Toploader. It was all flat black and had a Peter Arcadipane Spoiler on the boot. All of this sitting on Sunraysia steel centered van wheels. The dust was heavy on the car and I could see Bremen ballprints running across the hood. He held out the keys.
"I heard that this will work it. Do you know how?"
"Do I ever!" I spouted and grabbed the keys and slid in behind the Maxrob steering wheel. After I first moved the soccer ball out of the seat. Settling in, I put the key in the ignition and turned it. Lights and dials came on and Abba started blasting out of the radio. The old man started to jump up and down and clapped his hands. I peed alittle.
"Jellicle cats have cheerful faces,
Jellicle cats have bright black eyes;
They like to practice their airs and graces
And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise." he recited, as happy as a dog with two tails. The going got weird, and he turned pro.
I stomped on the gas pedal twice and then turned the key one more click. The engine coughed then burst to life, shaking the dust off in a cloud that floated over and settled on the old man. It made him even happier. He mouthed something to me but I couldn't hear over the roar of that V8. All the better. I quickly shifted into drive and hit the pedal. As the rear wheels grabbed the ground, I took the soccer ball that was in the car and tossed it at him through the window.
"Get him neutered!" I yelled as I drove away from the confused old man and out of the rising sun. Now to really get Lucky!


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## wilbur1 (May 18, 2008)

Now were talkin baby! gimme thew car and the 2 blondes woohooo


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## Njaco (May 20, 2008)

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down. I had the radio on and I was drivin'. I felt so good, like anything was possible I hit the cruise control and rubbed my eyes. I was workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads.

I turned the radio off.

I pushed the Falcon to the redline as I burst through the fields amidst a haze of mosquitos. I had no clue where I was, only that I was getting close to Lucky and the end of this case. Thank God! Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. And this day wasn't going to take forever.

Jumping a ditch I finally reached a highway. The street was empty. Low fog skimmed the road below a gray stew of a sky. It was slightly fuzzy, slightly surreal. Like Mother Nature had an anureysm. My gut was empty and my bladder was full. And I only had a quarter tank of petrol in the tank. I was hoping that was enough to get me to Lucky. The motor hummed like a giant wasp and the air that passed my window smelled like the place where whales go to die. A mile or so on I passed a sign that told me I was headed in the right direction. Campbelltown was a few miles ahead. I smiled to myself and scratched an itch. I wanted to get there fast. A sudden quick clash of gears and in a moment, that easily gliding car assumed a breath-taking speed - the tires fairly hummed with the sudden acceleration. There was a look of surprise in the rabbit that didn't quite make it across the road. Same for the squirrel. And the wallabee. My palms were starting to sweat with anticipation. I think.

Another mile or so and I came across one of the most horrible accidents I had ever witnessed. I banged the gear shift into neutral and yanked the parking brake, sending the Falcon into a power drift on the straight. When the black machine finally came to a stop, I looked on the sight with a morbid fascination. I almost cried, it was so absolutely gut wrenching. Some survivors of the accident were still in the wreckage. No police or emergency personnel had arrived and there was glass everywhere. I was so stunned I couldn't get out of the car. Some victims were so broken up I couldn't tell one from the other. It showed the importance of being properly strapped in.

When emergency help arrived I tried to do my part and and even performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, but none apparently survived. I slinked back to the car and left, badly in need of a drink.

.


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## Wayne Little (May 21, 2008)

Friggin' brilliant NJ!!


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## Njaco (May 21, 2008)

The 'Get Lucky" Product Store

Get all your Get Lucky merchandise here! 

DISCLAIMER:This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Decision of judges is final.
This supersedes all previous notices.


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## Wayne Little (May 21, 2008)

Still laughing man....


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## Njaco (May 21, 2008)

I was hoping you would!


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## ccheese (May 21, 2008)

You should be writing the scripts for "Ugly Betty" on TV.

Brilliant, Chris.... wonner-ful, wonner-ful.

Charles


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## Lucky13 (May 21, 2008)

I'm choking here..... Most excellent buddy!


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## Catch22 (May 21, 2008)

You're a figgin' genius!


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## wilbur1 (May 21, 2008)

Ok the beer pic...thats just wrong! you are doing great chris keep it up


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## Njaco (May 25, 2008)

.


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## Njaco (May 25, 2008)

I left the tragedy in my rearview and continued down the road. I still had to take a leak but I just wasn't feeling up to it. That scene would haunt my mind for days if not years. The car was moving as smooth as scotch on the rocks as traffic started to get heavy on the road. I noticed road signs advertising the Lucky festival and soon I was heading down a dirt road to a large, open field parking lot. The road brought me up to a small dirty shack with a sign that read "Parking: Pay Here". Pulling up to the open window, it appeared nobody was around. Until a hand popped up from below the sill and a voice screamed out "Thats 6 pesos!"

"What?" was all I could reply. I couldn't see who was speaking.
"Thats 6 pesos, numbskull! Can't you hear?"
"Hinka cumfae cashore canfeh, Ahl hityi oar hied 'caw taughtie!" I shot back. That old bladder feeling was starting to return.
"Alright, alright. Hold your water. Its 6 pesos to park for the festival." the voice floated back.
I shuffled in my pockets for the change and accidently pulled out the polaroid.
"Hey Clyde, ever see this guy?" I asked and held the photo over the edge of the sill.
The hand reached up and touched the pic. I had a weird feeling I was in a 'Munsters' episode.
"Whats it worth to you?" it asked.
A smart-guy.
"I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth." I shot back.
"Ok, ok, no need to get tight. Blonde hair, black trench coat, smelled of rancid milk? Came thorugh an hour ago, driving a mauve colored Renault Dauphine."
My attitude changed alittle. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, parked in aisle G-14" he replied, dejected, "now how about those 6 pesos."
I tossed the coin in the window and I could hear him scrambling around as it bounced off the walls and scattered on the floor.
"See I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way." I said and left the shack in a cloud of dust and dirt.
"Jebate pas!" was the last I heard from the window and the hand.

I made it to the 'G' aisle and found the Renault. Who the 'ell would paint a car in that color? It looked like someone used bubble gum as inspiration. But another pressing matter bothered me. I needed a piss like a dog needs a floggin. But I couldn't see any Port-a-potty around. In fact there wasn't anybody around. I wasn't gonna be able to hold it this time. My eyes were turning yellow. Then inspiration struck me.

I was finally able to relieve myself. I knew Lucky wouldn't mind, heh, heh. After such a long time it felt so good like a spring day. Like a puppy playing in the grass. Like an ice-cold frosty beer. Like.... Just as I was finishing up, a voice shouted out behind me.
"Hey, what are you doing??!!"
"Nee!"


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## A4K (May 26, 2008)

"He's back, he's bad, and THIS time, he's REALLY mad!!!! 
Forget the mobile phone! Dump that rubber ET finger! Don't even think about knocking three times on the window! If you REALLY want to Get Lucky - do it like a man! Take that thing out! Piss in that fuel tank! DO IT NOW!!! It'll put hairs on your chest! 
...Be the admiration of your friends, and the envy of your parents! (Remember, they were young too once, it's not their fault house pets in their day were Mammoths and Coelacanths) ...and before you know it, you might - you just might - get much more Lucky than you ever dreamed of! (Usually in nightmare form, but, hey, you get what you pay for...)

GET LUCKY (TM) - THE ORIGINAL. 

(Not to be confused with 'Get Lucky - the original* (*nearly)' or 'Get who? I can't read those Chinese characters')

Stay tuned for next weeks exciting episode, when super-sloth -sorry, super-SLEUTH Sam Slade says "Hey! that's not the makarina !!!" - It'll be a blast!"


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## Wayne Little (May 26, 2008)




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## ccheese (May 26, 2008)

This is getting better all the time...

Charles


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## A4K (May 26, 2008)

I agree Charles! Man, I love this thread!!!!


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## Lucky13 (May 26, 2008)

TOP 2 threads: 1. Breaking News, 2. Get Lucky! Anyone that disagree?


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## Njaco (May 26, 2008)

.


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## A4K (May 27, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (May 28, 2008)

keep it coming....


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## Njaco (May 28, 2008)

The voices were familiar. Too familiar.
Turning around I faced my worst suspicion. The seven wonders of the world from post # 17 were standing at the front of the Renault, slobbering on themselves. I rolled my eyes. Not again! The tall one with the mole that needed a haircut, spoke.
"What do you think you are doing." he said. Another one with a face like a skelpit erse stuck his finger up his nostril to the third knuckle and started digging. I glanced around, weighing my options and praying he wouldn't pull anything out. He would need it.
"Ummm, just checking how deep this gas tank is." I replied.
The tall one shook his head like a wet dog.
"Nope, can't do that, nope, nope." he said.
"Nee-wom!" shouted two numbskulls in the back.
"Well," I said, "What's the problem?" The parking lot was full of cars and trucks and an A-10 and in the distance was the festival. I was guessing because there was alot of noise coming from behind some brightly colored buildings beyond the lot. That and there were signs that read 'The Festival'. Another of the Magnificent Seven belched and grabbed his face like it hurt. It probably did. He looked like he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
"We are the Guards Who Say Nee and we want you step away from the vehicle!"
"Ok," I answered dryly, "No harm, no foul. Hey, anybody got the time?"
It didn't faze them.
"The Guards Who Say Nee demand compensation!"
Not this again, I thought to myself. I had enough of this bunch of losers from the last time. They probably thought manual labor was the president of Mexico. Time to end this quick.
I pointed to the sky behind them.
"Look, an airplane!"
When they all turned to see what I was pointing at, I took off down the aisle of cars faster than green grass through a goose. Dopes. After a few strides I turned to see how close they were. With a shout of "pang!" they were off like a herd of turtles. I had a few hundred feet on them and after putting a Winnebago between me and the seven daughters of Atlas, I ducked down and quickly backtracked over a few cars. Poking my head up, I could see through a couple of dirty windshields that they were wandering around, looking clueless. You would have thought someone had dropped a penny. I smiled to myself. They had to have burned down the school to get them out of the 3rd grade. Now it was my time to get Lucky. But as I started to shuffle in the direction of the festival, another voice floated over my shoulder. Another _familiar _voice.
"Yo, pansy!"


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## Catch22 (May 28, 2008)

Keep 'em coming!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 28, 2008)

This stuff is great NJACO. Keep it up! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Damn, it hurts.


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## A4K (May 29, 2008)

Love it Chris...!


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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2008)

Who needs the medication...this is MUCH better...!


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## Njaco (Jun 1, 2008)

Reluctantly, I turned to face my new tormentors. It was the 'BSG' in all their shiny glory. The one doing the talking could've been the brother of Pluto from "The Hills Have Eyes" only Pluto was prettier.
"We been lookin' for ya!" he smiled and nodded to his posse. The collective shine from their foreheads blinded me. I was gonna have to act quick to get out of this one.
"Hey, dumming, how you doing?" I asked, trying to be friendly and checking out my options. The parking lot we were in didn't offer much.
"We got some unfinished bizness wit you, Stumpy." he said and it looked like he was beefing himself up, ready to squash me. I had to think fast.
"Well, you know, I was just.....hey, look, an airplane!" I pointed behind the Zidane Glee club.

They never flinched.

"We gonna pound ya into the pavement, funny-man."
I started to sweat. They may have thought a naval academy was a school for belly-dancers but I wasn't gonna trick them with a grade-school prank. I slowly started to back away from them. Maybe getting them all between the cars would give me a few minutes to escape if I could just think of something. A Sinead O'Connor freak in the back suddenly shouted, "Oops!...I did it again" and farted. It didn't stop them from moving closer to me.
"Not until you answer a question. Do helicoptors land on that head of yours?" I blurted. Another step and they were all between the two cars of the aisle, about 5 feet wide. I felt like a Spartan.
"Only helicopter you gonna see is the one taking you to hospital." Pluto spit out at me, the veins on his cheeks started to inflate.
"No need to get hostile. Maybe we can....look, K-Fed!" I shouted and again pointed behind them. This time they looked.

I bolted out from between the cars and ran, zig-zagging between aisles until I cut behind a box truck. Catching my breath I peeked around the side. They were running like a herd of Buffalo, spreading out among the cars and moving in my direction. Now to make good on my lead.
"Is it safe?"
I quickly turned and came face-to-face with the good doctor from the dungeon. I must have had a deer in the headlights look because he slowly smiled and stepped towards me. He had the blue syringe in his left hand and an ace bandage around his head. I kept one eye on the 'BSG' who were getting closer.
"Is it safe?"
"Oh hey, we meet again! Long time, no want to see! You know, you really must stop getting your medications from the guy who lives under the freeway overpass." I said and took a step back.
"Is it safe?" he replied and took another step. The 'BSG' were closer and I suddenly had a plan.
"Aren't you getting tired of that taste of shoe leather in your mouth?" I said and took another step back, this time from the cover of the truck. Pluto saw me and yelled "There he is!" and the whole group started to run towards me. One tripped and knocked himself out on the bumper of a parked Land Rover.
"Is it safe?"
"I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?" I again took another step backwards as the 'BSG' closed the gap. Another 20 feet.... 
"Is it safe?"
It was time. 
"I would love to stay and trade insults, but I would need to find a worthy opponent." I said to the doctor and then turned to the onrushing group of Mobys. "Hey, boys! Sorry, I can't stay!" and I bolted.

The doctor tried to lunge for me. Tried, because as he did, he tripped as expected and fell in front of the crome-domes just as they were about to grab me. They all fell in a pile onto the pavement, the doctor underneath. Someone yelled "owww!" followed by "Mommy...." I could only guess it was the syringe.

Laughing I raced through the parking lot and towards the festival.


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## wilbur1 (Jun 1, 2008)

Great stuff nj


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## Wayne Little (Jun 2, 2008)




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## A4K (Jun 2, 2008)

Pheeeew, he made it ! It was definitely sounding "not safe" for a while there...!


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## Njaco (Jun 4, 2008)

I trotted down one isle and crossed over to another, trying to put distance and cars between me and the bald-headed farts. A quick look behind me and I could see that the seven dwarves had now joined in the chase along with 2 cab drivers. I ducked down next to an Opel and moved towards a line of plastic outhouses (Johnnie-On-The-Spot!) along the edge of the parking lot. Maybe I could hide in one of these for a few minutes while my pursuers played Moron Tag. As I moved down the row of port-a-potties, I couldn't find one door that was open. Just my luck but I had already relieved myself. As I neared the end of the line, a door suddenly burst open and out stepped the occupant, followed by a stink that immediately curled my nostril hairs.

It was Room Service Mamu, the back of her neck looking like a package of sausages and a face like a burst haggis.

She saw me and squealed.
"Hi Honey! What you doing? We never did finish, now did we, sugar."
Looking at her in the daylight, I wanted to gouge my eyes out. Even her shadow weighed 50 pounds! She had more rolls than a bakery and it must have taken her two trips to haul ass. The smell that overwhelmed me, I can only describe as someone set a German Shepherd on fire then pissed on it to put the fire out. It was an excellent time to become a missing person.
"Converse with any whales lately?' I blurted out and started running again.

The ground shook as she took her first steps after me and I could see that the other group of knuckleheads had seen me and the Half-track and started in our direction. It was getting hairy around here and I had to find a way out. I ran towards the festival stadium, gulping in large gasps of foul air. The festival was inside a large stadium and I didn't have a ticket to get in. I ran up onto the concourse, pushing people out of the way but not as many as Roseanne behind me who barrelled herself across the concrete and the crowds. It was like Moses and the Red Sea. The Mickey Mouse Club was right behind her - the 'BSG', the security guards and the doctor. But as they ran, others in the crowd started to join in the rampage. It was Black Friday at Wal-Mart as more and more people started running with the mobile riot. A couple of Police officers that were standing at a few gates started to take swings at the mob as they ran past. Several went down with bloody shins. Then I saw the bloody rugby team from the airplane, appear from behind a beer cart and join in the mad rush, tossing and shoving people like they were in a game. Where the 'ell did they come from? They still had the blonde passenger and her kid tumbling among them.

I was running out of options and out of concourse. I tried throwing a vendor selling deep-fried Snausages into their path but they kept on coming. I tripped a group of Girl Scouts selling cookies but that didn't phase them. On they came like greyhounds after a rabbit. I finally noticed an opening in the side of the stadium, a doorless hole that led to a tunnel, just below a large "W". Reaching the doorway, I darted in and tripped, falling against the wall in a heap. Sitting on my butt, I slowly scooted away from the tunnel entrance. 

My Luck, I thought, was running out.


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## A4K (Jun 5, 2008)

That has to be one of the best yet!!!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 5, 2008)

Cool...


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## Njaco (Jun 5, 2008)

I could hear the mob approaching the tunnel entrance. I felt like Stanley Baker waiting behind a mealy bag. The sound they made reminded me of a train racing through a mountain, a CH-47 zooming in at tree-top level, my mother when she found my report card. I frantically checked my surroundings for any type of weapon, anything to defend myself with. I found nothing. A quick check of my pockets revealed that I only had a train ticket and a T206 Honus Wagner baseball card. I could'nt even protect myself against a caterpillar if I needed to! I was sitting on my butt, facing the entrance and I could feel warm blood start to ooze down my leg. I must have cut myself when I tripped. The sounds of the mob got closer and I painfully pulled myself up to a standing position. The first shadow appeared at the entrance as I slowly, painfully, cautiously backed away.

But I got Lucky.

The first to the entrance was Berta the she-hippo. She stopped for a second, adjusting to the darkness of the tunnel, cast her eyes on me and smiled with teeth so yellow, she could spit butter.
"Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you." she said and stepped into the tunnel.

That was as far as she went.

The tunnel wasn't as wide as she thought and immediately got herself stuck against the walls as she tried to reach for me. Her face went blank and it was my turn to smile. But that wasn't the end. The mob behind her couldn't stop their momentum and plowed into her, further shoving her into the tunnel. There was a collective "ooommpff" as the human cork became wedged between the concrete walls with no hope of moving. My smile turned into a laugh as I could hear one after another of the mob banging up against the mass that was the Room Service From Hell. I thought her eyes were gonna pop out! Various sounds of pain burst forth from behind her including one loud voice that yelled "gopfverdamigopfverdeggelhuereverdamtesiechnonemol!"

Laughing out loud until it hurt, I started to walk towards the other end of the tunnel. Reaching the end I walked into the sunlight that poured down. It was the festival and there was a throng of people, packed tighter than a frog's ass. There was one particularly annoying group, holding signs and chanting "Primus! Primus!" I wanted to hit them with their signs!

What was I doing?!I thought. I was bleeding, tired and hungry. I had been squashed like an insect a few times and forced to eat something I wouldn't use toliet paper on. I had met people ( a loose term) that needed instructions on how to use a rocking chair. There were too many freaks and not enough circuses. And I had been prevented from peeing so long I though the Guiness people would show up at my office. And where the hell was Lucky??? I was never going to be able to find him in this mass of flesh and British Sterling. And why should I? He never did anything to me. Usually I take a case because it had some redeeming value to it. But there was nothing even remotely redeeming in finding Lucky or finishing this trek. It had been a mess since the beginning and I didn't care anymore. It was time to end this carouselambra. Limping into the crowd and the bright sunshine, I grabbed a sign and started chanting along.

Getting Lucky would have to wait for another day.


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## wilbur1 (Jun 6, 2008)

Holy crap chris, that is some funny sh## there man primus primus


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## Njaco (Jun 6, 2008)

This day I come to you with a message of leave-taking and farewell, and to share a few final thoughts with you, my forum members. I pray that the coming years will be blessed with peace and prosperity for all. First, I should like to express my gratitude to BBC 61 for the opportunities they have given me over the years to bring "Get Lucky" to our community. My special thanks go to them for the opportunity of addressing you this evening.

We now stand 265 posts past the beginning of this thread that has witnessed four major wars among great nations. Three of these involved our own forum among a few un-named members. Despite these holocausts, BBC 61 is today the strongest, the most influential, and most productive program station in the world. Understandably proud of this pre-eminence, we yet realize that BBC 61's leadership and prestige depend, not merely upon our unmatched viewing progress, riches and military strength, but on how we use our power in the interests of world peace and human betterment. Happily, I can say that Swedish expansion has been avoided. Steady progress toward our ultimate goal has been made. But so much remains to be done. As a private citizen, I shall never cease to do what little I can to help the forum advance along that road.

So, in this my last good night to you as your narrator, I thank you for the many opportunities you have given me for public service in war and in peace and the side job at Hooters. I trust that in that service you find some things worthy. As for the rest of it, I know you will find ways to improve performance in the future.

You and I, my fellow members, need to be strong in our faith that all nations and stupid sitcoms, under God, will reach the goal of peace with justice. May we be ever unswerving in devotion to principle, confident but humble with power, diligent in pursuit of the Forum's great goals and a disposable camera for those magical moments when a P-51 zooms overhead unexpectedly.

Now, on Friday noon, I am to become a private citizen. I am proud to do so. I look forward to it. And don't forget to "Get Lucky!"

Thank you, and good night.


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## wilbur1 (Jun 6, 2008)

Oh man what a shame the old farts retiring


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## Njaco (Jun 6, 2008)

I started getting Writer's Block. Need some time to recharge and....Get Lucky. I don't know how some writers do it day in and day out but maybe they don't have a pimary job to support them!

But you can still play! I referenced 21 movies throughout the thread. Can you name them?


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## Lucky13 (Jun 6, 2008)

Njaco, I and all the members here on the forum "Got Lucky", lucky to count you as friend and a fellow brother....

I'll go back to the start, and read this all once again, outstanding work!


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## Njaco (Jun 6, 2008)

Same here, Lucky, most definately same here!

There are also 8 songs/muscians referenced and of course how many celebrities in that group pic. have fun!

Heres a hint: Post #146 referenced a movie that we've all seen and love. Think warplane movies.


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## DBII (Jun 6, 2008)

I have spent the last 40 minutes at the library reading GET LUCK. It is a work of art better than anything on the tube. I have been told that I am making to much noise laughing and have been asked to leave. I proudly add Get Luck to the ever growing list of reasons I have been ask to leave a building. But this is the first time that drinks were not involved. I will drink one for you tonight. I cannot wait for the spinoffs the start.

DBII


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## Lucky13 (Jun 6, 2008)

Wish that I could write a spinoff with "Get Njaco", but I'm afraid I'd be light years away in quality....


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## Njaco (Jun 9, 2008)

Ok, here are the movie references:

MOVIE REFRENCES
Post# 17 - Monty Python and the Holy Grail
_The tall one spoke; "We are the Guards Who Say... Nee!"_

Post# 31 - Apocalypse Now
The room reminded me of the opening scene of 
_"Apocalypse Now", with a fan so low it was keeping the grass cut on the bed._

Post# 113 - Marathon Man
_"Is it safe?"_

Post# 113 - The Prisoner / TV show
_"You are Number 6." he replied_

Post# 123 - Batman Begins
_-batmobile in the pic-_

Post# 136 - The Rockford Files / TV show
_Sam gives up on the Lucky case and hires Jim Rockford from California_

Post# 146 - The Battle of Britain
_a falling-down nasty wooden shack full of dead flies with a sign across the front that read, "The South (something) Flying Club"._

Post# 171 - Nightmare at 20,000 feet / Twilight Zone
_"There is some sort of alien creature, hoping around on the wing of the plane. Its not falling off."_

Post# 186 _ Heroes / TV show
_"Save the Cheerleader, Save the world."_

Post# 193 - Airplane
_"The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only,_ 

Post# 200 - The Lord of the Rings / Hobbit
_"There and Back Again" on the Monopoly board_

Post# 205 - Survivor / TV Show
_Have you completed the Immunity Challenge? The Tribal Council is in an hour_

Post# 216 - Alien
_-letter from fans-_

Post# 216 - Raiders of the Lost Ark
_-letter from fans-_

Post# 216 - The Matrix
_-letter from fans-_

Post# 221 - Babe
_'That'll do, pig." he replied_

Post# 229 - Logan's Run
_"All of my cats have names."_

Post# 231 - Mad Max
_A '73 Australian Ford XB GT Falcon with a Weiand supercharger on top of a 300bhp 351ci V8 with a 4-Speed Toploader._

Post# 249 - South Park / TV show
_-cartoon pic-_

Post# 261 - Its a Mad, Mad, Mad World
_Overhead was a large "W"._

I want to thank all of you guys for the great comments. Didn't know if this was gonna last past 5 posts but what a trip. Now to figure what comes next or how we are gonna get Lucky!


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## A4K (Jun 9, 2008)

Chris, my hat goes off to ya mate. You came up with the funniest and best thread (in my opinion) on the forum. Loved every minute of it. 

Thanks mate!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Jun 9, 2008)

Indeed....my hate's off for you buddy!


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## Wayne Little (Jun 9, 2008)

Agreed TOP THREAD, NJ!!! Well Done mate..


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## Njaco (Jun 10, 2008)

and for the music bits and who's who in the pic.

*MUSIC*
Post# 1 - Loverboy
- pic of the album "Get Lucky" -

Post# 105 - Brittany Spears "One More Time"
"Hit me baby one more time!"

Post# 123 - Abbey Road
- Paul McCartney from the album behind the Batmobile -

Post# 193 - Genesis "The Grand Parade"
"A grand parade of lifeless packaging. I sat up on the moving bed."

Post# 231 - Rush "Red Barchetta"
""My uncle has a country place that no one knows about. He says it used to be a farm before the motor laws......"
And with that he pulled the tarp off."

Post# 233 - Tom Petty "Runnin' Down a Dream"
"It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down. I had the radio on and I was drivin'. I felt so good, like anything was possible I hit the cruise control and rubbed my eyes. I was workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads.

Post# 257 - Brittany Spears "Oops, I did it again"
A Sinead O'Connor freak in the back suddenly shouted, "Oops!...I did it again" and farted.

Post# 264 - Led Zeppelin "In Through The Out Door"
"It was time to end this carouselambra."

*FAMOUS PEOPLE IN PIC*
Patrick McGoohan - The Prisoner
Chuck Yeager
John Lennon
Tony Blair
Bono
James Garner - Jim Rockford
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Farrah Fawcett
Phoebe Cates
Clint Eastwood
George Bush
Paula Abdul
Angelina Jolie
Steve McQueen


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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2008)

Unbeatable young man...!


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## Njaco (Jun 10, 2008)

Lucky, a question. Was it what you thought it would be from the beginning? I remember you're comment, this ought to be interesting. Had me cracking up!


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## Lucky13 (Jun 10, 2008)

Thought it would something slightly different and not in any way near this good, and entertaining buddy...!


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## Njaco (Jul 31, 2008)

It was a hot and sweltering day as I sat in my office doing a Suduko puzzle. The kind of day where the corn pops out in the fields and crows think its snow and you watch them freeze to death. Damn numbers just made the humidity that much heavier. I put the puzzle down, grabbed a book by Danielle Steel and leaned back in my chair, the sweat sticking to the pleather.

Suddenly there was a knock on my door.

I was glad that my office door had a full pane of clear glass (past experience taught me) as I could see there was a frumpy looking man standing in front of it. He looked to be in his 40s and was wearing an ill fitting tan suit jacket that he must have picked up from the Martha Stewart collection at K-Mart. He also hadn't taken a bath or shaven in weeks. I motioned him in and pointed to the chair that was in front of my desk. He slowly entered, looked around the room and then carefully sat down. As he settled in, the cushion of the chair made a flatulent sound and I smiled. It always does that to me.

"Can I help you?" I asked,and noticed that he had one fingernail on his left hand manicured and painted in Peter Max shades of color.
"Are you Sam Slade, the detective?" he answered with a hormone injected voice.
"Who wants to know?" Without his seeing, I slowly opened a drawer underneath the desk where I kept a flare gun for defense.
"My name is Clyde. I'm from Scotland and I want you to find somebody." He said this without looking in my eyes. His glance was flirting around the room until he came upon the velvet picture of Michael Jackson that hung next to the bathroom door.
"Is that.....?"
I cut him off. "Ahhh, Scotland. That garret of the earth - that knuckle-end of England - that land of Calvin, oatcakes, and sulphur. Who you looking for?" I reached into the drawer but grabbed a tickle feather instead of the gun. I forgot I had it in there for "special" reasons. A trickle of sweat started to roll down the left side of his forehead and past his eye.
"My girlfriend. She met somebody and has taken off. I want you to find her."
Another missing person case. I swore I wasn't going to take another one since the last caper I had nearly killed me. But with the economy the way it was and Germany getting beat by Spain, things weren't looking good. A case was a case.
"Who did she scamper off with?" I asked and slowly closed the drawer. On my pinkie finger and I bit my lip from the pain.
"I never met him but I found a picture of him that she left in one of her Women's magazines." He pulled out a crumpled polaroid from his suit pocket and slid it across the desk. I grabbed it and brought it up to my eyes.

One look was all I needed.

With a shout of "Hell No!!" I immediately got up and grabbed him by the collar of the suit and started to drag him to the door. He began to protest but a quick slap across his scalp with my free hand shut him up. Opening the door, I tossed him into the hallway and stood there with the photo in my hand. Although it was hot, a chill went up my neck and I had a sudden urge to pee. Flicking the photo at him, I barked, "Stay the hell away! I don't do missing persons, especially from Scotland!!" and slammed the door.

I sat back down in my chair. No more missing persons. Especially this one. Nope. Not on your life or my life! No where, no how was I gonna get Lucky!!
I picked up the paperback and sweated through Chapter 13.


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## Bucksnort101 (Jul 31, 2008)

He's back?!?


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## Catch22 (Jul 31, 2008)

Hahaha.


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## wilbur1 (Jul 31, 2008)

OOOHHH crap.....


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## Lucky13 (Jul 31, 2008)

THE MAAAAN IIISSSS BAAAACK....!!!!


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## DBII (Jul 31, 2008)

"que up the jaws theme song" Just when you thought it was safe to pee again.... Get Lucky returns....8) 


DBII


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## Lucky13 (Jul 31, 2008)

Heerrreeee'sss luuuckyy...!!


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## Wayne Little (Aug 2, 2008)

....resurrection is at hand..???


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## Njaco (Aug 10, 2008)

.


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## Wayne Little (Aug 11, 2008)

You Bl**dy rippa!!...(rubbing hands together in anticipation)..let the journey begin!!!


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## Lucky13 (Aug 11, 2008)

......our hero who lurks deep in the shadows shall return with vegance...


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## Njaco (Aug 15, 2008)

.


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## Lucky13 (Aug 15, 2008)




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## Screaming Eagle (Aug 18, 2008)

chris, I have just finished reading the entire Get Lucky thread and it was ****ing awesome!!!! I especially loved the mad max reference and I can't wait for get lucky II!!!!


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## Njaco (Aug 18, 2008)

Thanks Screamin'. I'm working hard to come up with the next juicy story but this time I'm writing it out and not doing it 'on the fly'. Saves alot of head-scratching and pollups.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 18, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 20, 2008)

Waiting......


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## Lucky13 (Aug 20, 2008)

Looking forward to our heroes new adventures....!!


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## ccheese (Aug 20, 2008)

What 'our hero' needs is a stooge..... er, sidekick. Perhaps a driver/valet
like "Cato", or a secretary like "Moneypenny", or a half-dozen other sidekicks
that our hero's had. When's the first edition ?

Charles


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## Lucky13 (Aug 21, 2008)

May I suggest a sidekick from our highly regarded "Breaking News" thread!


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## Njaco (Aug 21, 2008)

.


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## Njaco (Aug 23, 2008)

.


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## Screaming Eagle (Aug 24, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 24, 2008)

Great!


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## Lucky13 (Aug 24, 2008)

I enjoy this....if I know Njaco, this will be a sell out! Better get your tickets now fellas while there are some left...!


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## wilbur1 (Aug 24, 2008)

I just paid for mine! 2 cabbages and a rotten tomatoe


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## Njaco (Aug 24, 2008)

and that was for the lousy seats behind the columns. Anybody want to give up their sister to sit in the front row?


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## wilbur1 (Aug 24, 2008)

Hey this way i wont have to deal with all the large women hangin on lucky


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## Njaco (Aug 24, 2008)

.


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## Screaming Eagle (Aug 25, 2008)

! Now thats a quote for the ages


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## Lucky13 (Aug 25, 2008)

I rather dig my teeth into something eles....


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## Njaco (Aug 26, 2008)

It was a long day.
A long, hot, sweaty, underwear stuck in your butt, Everyready tasting, non-sexual, bloody day.

My name is Slade, Sam Slade and I'm a private detective. I was sitting in my Falcon, reading a magazine and getting bored out of my mind. I was on a Missing Dog case and had staked-out my client's home just for appearances. Appearances because I had found the slobbering, dopey mutt at the local animal pound 2 days ago and was just killing time, racking up the fees to his duff owner. Not that she would notice. She was as dumb as a trap door on a lifeboat. And rich. Go figure. A jet passing overhead drowned out my thoughts as I killed a fly on the windshield.

I finally decided enough was enough. So far I guess I had made enough dough off this case to keep me in Coronas for a few weeks so I put the magazine down, fired up the V8 and headed back to the office. I was blowing past traffic and scratching itches with nothing on my mind except getting paid and would Bradgelina next have triplets.

I made it to my office building, parked the car and walked to the front door. Something was waiting for me.

On the front landing was a medium sized, brown paper wrapped package. Picking it up, I could see it was sent to me but with no return address. I shook it but couldn't hear anything. There was a slight smell of garlic and Old Bay but I wasn't sure. Curious. What the hell was it and who sent it? I was contemplating taking it to my dentist for X-rays but I would need to make an appointment first. I pressed the button for the doorman, Phil, to let me in. Just as quick, his voice boomed back over the intercom.
"Who is it?" he asked.
"It's me, Slade, open up, I got a package." I replied.
I waited.
The door didn't buzz and nothing from Phil. What was he doing? I hit the door button again.
"Who is it?" he asked.
"It's me Slade, man, open up I got a package." I replied, tersely.
"Who??"
"It's Slade, man, open up, I don't want anyone to see me come in here."
Again, I waited. What was he doing? He was slower than an Arctic glacier. I was getting miffed. I pounded on the door button.
"Who is it?"
I was starting to get angrier than Hillary voters. "It's, it's Slade, man, will you open up! I got a package with me!"
"Who?!"
"SLADE!! Man, open up!"
"Slade?"
"Yeah, Slade! Come on man open up! I don't want the cops to see me!"
"Slade's Not Here!!"
I was dumbfounded! I stood there, opening and closing my mouth without saying anything. Finally I started beating on the door.
"Open Up The Door! It's Slade, you eshu koorak!!!
"Who?!"
"SLADE!! S-L-A-D-E!!!!! WILL YOU OPEN UP THE GODDAMNED DOOR!!!
"Slade?"
"YEAH Slade!!" I was starting to pant.
"Slade?"
"Right man, Slade. Now will you open up the door??"
There was a pause.
"Slade's Not Here!!"

I flipped. Rushing the door, I burst the lock and it swung open, hard, almost taking Phil's nose with it. The two of us stood facing each other in the foyer, my face redder than a smacked bum and him just wide-eyed with a slight smile showing a few camouflaged colored teeth. We didn't say anything to each other. Then I hit him so hard his children felt it and I went upstairs to my office.


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## Screaming Eagle (Aug 27, 2008)

nice chris!


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## Lucky13 (Aug 27, 2008)

(standing ovations)


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## Njaco (Aug 28, 2008)

I breezed into my office, locked the door behind me and swept the Julmust soda cans off the desk to make room for the package. There were no markings on it except my name and address and the brown paper looked as if it was made from a shopping bag. Ripping off the paper revealed a common cardboard box. Finding no marking on the box either, I cautiously opened it. It was filled with those white and green puffy, packing kernels that look like Frosty had a bowel problem. Tossing the foam popcorn out the window onto a group of Global Warming protestors on the street below, I searched inside the box. All that I found was a single piece of paper. It was a packing slip for a Tasmanian sex toy with Arabian ticklers and accessories. But the reciepient's name had been blacked out. What the hell was this? A package with just a slip of paper? Was someone playing games? Has Mike Tyson retired? I let the sheet of paper slip from my hand and fall to the floor among the pizza boxes and used thong underwear. It landed upside down on a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon where I noticed more writing on the back. Picking it up I read the scribbling.

All it said was "Meet me at the Brown Willy Bar tommorrow at noon." Noon was then crossed out and in its place was, "No, make it 1pm. I have a doctor's visit at noon." Then that was crossed out and was written, "Better make that 3 in the afternoon. 'Guiding Light' is on and I want to know what happens to Peter and Jessica. Yeah, make it 3." Then the "3" was crossed out and "5" written in along with, "Don't ask!" in crayon.

What was this, a case? An old friend? An interview with Barbara Walters? Why the elaborate box? No return address? Why Senator Biden? I decided to find the answer tommorrow at the Brown Willy, cleared off a path to the couch and started to make plans for a vacation at Disneyworld when someone knocked at my door. Cautiously I opened it.

The figure at my door was wearing a grey suit coat that must have had 50,000 miles on the odometer. He was incredibly ugly, uglier than almost anyone I had ever met and I've worked out at Bally's. A thin, withered creature, he stood hunched in the doorway, in his heavy ashen suit and thick horn-rimmed glasses, impregnable and indifferent. He had a huge nose, a dark mustache, and his dark-dyed hair was combed into absurd bangs over his forehead. He could probably start an argument in an empty house. I was transfixed and couldn't speak. He did.
"Are you Sam Slade?" he asked.
With my eyes open and dying for moisture, I replied, "Who wants to know?"
"Someone who admires you has sent you a Hate-O-Gram."
"A what?"
He cleared his throat, pushed a bang out of his eyes and started to sing from a crumpled piece of paper.

"Hope your day is simple,
Like the simpleton that you are
Full of constipation
and no beer at the bar.

May the toilet seat break from under you
and you suffer as you crap your pants
But knowing you, you'll survive that too,
It's easy to be brave from a distance."

I stood there shocked as the last of his broken tenor voice echoed down the hallway. What the hell!?


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## Screaming Eagle (Aug 29, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Aug 29, 2008)

Great stuff Man!!


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## Lucky13 (Aug 29, 2008)

Outstanding buddy!


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## wilbur1 (Aug 29, 2008)

Way to go NJ !!!!!!! bravo


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## Njaco (Aug 29, 2008)

BBC 61 is proud to announce that "_*Get Lucky: Revenge of the Perp*_" will be closed captioned for the Scandinavian Impaired! We bring this to our viewing audience as another fine service of BBC 61. Stay tuned for other great services and a chance to win a year's supply of sheep dip.


Due to an employee confrontation, the Closed Captioning portion of "Get Lucky" has been delayed. We apologize for those sitting in the dark unable to see or read "Get Lucky" or order a nice pizza from down the street. Not our fault. Really. The problem has been resolved and we now bring those of the handicapped viewing public the previous episodes in subtitles!

_Sam är funktionsduglig. Sam borras. Han går till kontoret. Fynd boxas. Stansar portvakt. Han är lycklig. Sam har en gäst. Han gillar inte honom. Detta jobb är dumt. Gästen kan inte sjunga.
_


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## Lucky13 (Aug 29, 2008)

Bl**dy h*ll!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Aug 29, 2008)




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## Screaming Eagle (Aug 29, 2008)

nice!


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## Njaco (Aug 29, 2008)

The Domeless Wonderboy stood in the doorway with a vacant look on his puss. Slowly his hand moved forward and stretched, palm up towards me. He needed to shave between his fingers.
"What?" I asked, my hand ready on the doorknob.
"A tip?" he let it slip from his lips like a hiss.
"Oh," I said, thinking for a second, "Never take a blind date to a silent film." and quickly slammed the door on his road accident of a face.

What was going on? Who would send a Hate-O-Gram? Was it the same person who sent the package? Was I adopted? Just as these thoughts were barreling through my head, another knock came on my door. What was I, a freakin' turnstile for the Chunnel? Opening the door I found two men dressed in pink overalls, lugging a large cardboard box. One had a face the texture of cottage cheese and was smoking a wet cigar that clouded the hallway and the other had a clipboard with a pen dangling from it. The smell of cigar-leadened sweat almost knocked me to my knees. The one with the clipboard spoke.
"You Slade?"
"Who wants to know?" I shot back, starting to get aggitated with all this traffic at my door. And it was time for 'People's Court' to come on cable.
"We got your 'special delivery'. Here, sign this." he said, giving me the clipboard and then he actually winked at me, the flamer. I took the clipboard and looked at the invoice.
"A what???" I stammered.
Tobacco man spoke up.
"This is your new Dream Love Chair. The Dream Love Chair gives you and your partner a complete new dimension to sex. The Chair makes a wide variety of positions possible. But the really unique feature of the DLC are the adjustable natural movements of the seats. It means that you and your partner will have more energy to enjoy it. It also means that the DLC is very well suited for people with a physical disability, overweight or a poor condition. In short, the Dream Love Chair gives a whole new range of challenges to sex." he said, obviously bored.
"A WHAT???" I sputtered, again, "I didn't order this!"
"Isn't that your name and address on the invoice?" asked Liberace. The wheel was spinning, but the hamster was dead.
"Yeah, but I never ordered this!" I yelled again.
"Umm, of course you didn't." he winked again, "We'll just leave this here and quietly walk away, right chum?" With that, the two of them dropped the box with a thump in the doorway and walked away down the stairs. One of them started whistling and staring at the walls as he walked as the other pulled out a spray paint can and tagged the other wall. 
"Hey!" I yelled after them, "You can't leave this here!!"
"No worries, gov'nor!" was the only reply as they disappeared down the stairwell. From the bottom of the stairs I could hear one of the dopes yell. "Go, go,go!!!!" and then Phil asking, "Who is it?"

It was while I was contemplating what to do with the boxed love chair when a female voice from the other side of the package asked, 
"Are you Sam?"

_Sam är ....., Detta är dumt. Hey önska att gå på semester? Vi kan besöka Vasaen. Vasaen byggdes som stoltheten av den svenska marinen. Embarrassingly det som sjunkas på dess jungfru- resa i 1628 i Stockholm. _


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## Lucky13 (Aug 30, 2008)

(standing ovations)


----------



## Wayne Little (Aug 30, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Aug 30, 2008)

I was waiting to see if he was somehow going to use gloryholes in there  great work NJ


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## Screaming Eagle (Aug 31, 2008)




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## Njaco (Aug 31, 2008)

If It's Lucky.....Its Over!!

Don't scrap your PS2 just yet! This new action/RPG from developer SoiledPants is an experience you won't forget. "*Get Lucky*" hooks you immediately with its striking visuals, beer coupons and lackluster storytelling, but the battle mechanics and clever systems will have you playing until all of the pieces of this compelling tale fall into place. Never has a game bombed so successfully. Control systems include Smell-O-Vision and a catalog of over 15,000 burp sounds. If Tim Burton and the creators of Barney the Dinosaur ever got together to create a Golden Girls inspired board game, it would probably look like this. "*Get Lucky*", based on the BBC 61 show, really bridges the gap between being a medical simulation style game with real sheep and a full on interactive adventure title. Practice your typing now by writing to Parker Brothers to demand a recall!

_Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?_


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## Lucky13 (Aug 31, 2008)

Crikey!


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## Screaming Eagle (Sep 1, 2008)

nice!!! I still have my PS2!!


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## Njaco (Sep 2, 2008)

The blonde on the other side of the box made me forget all about the chair. Then again, it was front and center of my thoughts. She was in a bright red silk, one piece dress that had never covered a knee in its life. It was so tight she must have put it on wet. The yellow locks of her hair cascaded over her shoulder to halfway down her chest, the highlights shimmering in the hallway light. She was a little heavy on the make-up but she looked as if she could suck the colour out of a marble. It had been a long time since anything like her was standing at my door and I couldn't think of anything to say. I just stood there, slowly opening my mouth.
"You gonna let me in?" she asked and gave me a small, fake smile. It seemed forced.
Back to my senses. "Yeah, sure, come on in."
She floated around the box and breezed into the room. She took a quick look around, made a slight shrug and dropped her small matching red purse onto the couch.
"So I take it you're Sam." she stated flatly, still checking out the office.
"Ummm, yeah. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
"Cute" and she rolled her eyes. She started to move things off the couch and tossing them on the floor. The bowling ball made a dent. "This where you want to do it?"
"Do what?" I asked. I was starting to think she’d been down on everything except the Titanic.
"What do you think, dig dum idiot." she said and slowly shook her head and farted. A small sound like a fish belch.
Was she a.....
"Wait a minute. You sure you're at the right place?"
"Sam, right? Look its $50 for a sea adventure and $200 for Around the World. You got anything to drink?" She sat down on the couch and the skirt moved on its own up to her beltline. She wasn't wearing anything underneath.
"Ahhh, yeah...ummm, is beer ok?" I asked, remembering the Blue Ribbon on the floor. She wouldn't know that it was so old it now had a Decease Date. I could see that she was so bow legged she couldn't stop a pig in an alleyway.
"Listen, ahhh...whats your name?" I handed her a beer and sat down on the box. Then thinking the better of it, I stood up again.
"Dixie Normas."
"OK, Dixie. I don't remember calling for any...ahhh...services. Do you know who called you?"
"No, I'm just told where to go." She opened the beer by twisting the cap with her forearm.
"Alright, I really don't want....."
I stopped talking as I felt the cold steel of a gun barrel press up against the back of my neck. A voice came with the gun.
"Freeze!"

_See the l0veli lakes_


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## Lucky13 (Sep 2, 2008)

*freezes!*


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## Wayne Little (Sep 3, 2008)

Can I move now?


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## Njaco (Sep 4, 2008)

The pressure of the gun barrel against the back of my neck was starting to hurt and I was hoping my insurance was paid up. I didn't move.
"To what do I owe this extreme pleasure? Anything wrong?" I asked the other end of the gun. From the feel of it, I was guessing it was a .22 and if so, he was a cop. Only gun they carried around here.
"Wrong?" he replied, "Why should you think of anything being wrong, have you been doing something you shouldn't. Yes?"
If you can call putting the toilet paper on so it rolls from the top, yeah I guess I've been doing something wrong.
"Just a manner of speech." I said.
"Well, yes," he went on, "it's just a manner of speech from your Forum Relations Advisor to you that you watch out, little Sam. Because next time it's going to be the barry place and all my work ruined. If you've no respect for your horrible self, you at least might have some for me who'se sweated over you. A big black mark I tell you for every one we don't reclaim. A confession of failure for every one of you who ends up in the stripy hole." He eased up on the gun and allowed me to turn to face him.

It was Sgt. Rufus Leaking from our fine Polizei.

"I've been doing nothing I shouldn't, sir. The millicents have nothing on me, brother, sir, I mean."
I could see the color in his face change.
"Cut out all this clever talk about milicents. Just because the Police haven't picked you up lately doesn't, as you very well know, mean that you've not been up to some nastiness. There was a bit of a nastiness this afternoon, yes. Some very extreme nastiness, yes. A certain doorman was ambluenced off late this afternoon, yes. Your name was mentioned, the word's got thru to me by the usual channels. Oh, nobody can prove anything about anybody as usual, but I'm warning you, little Sam, being a good friend to you as always, the one man in this sore and sick community who wants to save you from yourself." He pulled himself straight and grabbed his pants by the belt and pulled them up hard - so hard that three belt loops broke and he stood there, holding onto his trousers like he was in a Harlem High School. Dixie sat on the couch, transfixed.
"Nobody's got anything on me, brother. I've been out of the rookers of the milicents for a long time now." I started to relax as he lowered the gun.
"That's just worries me. A bit too long, too long to be reasonable. You're about due now by my reckoning, that's why I'm warning you, little Sam, to keep your handsome young proboscis out of the dirt. Do I make myself clear?" He started to look at the box and then at Dixie then back to the box.
"As an unmuddied lake, sir. Clear as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on me, sir." I said.
His hand holding the gun started to caress the large box.
"You can have that if you fancy it." I smiled and sat down on the couch next to Dixie. She looked like the aliens had removed her anal probe.
"No, no. I can only imagine what horror of horrors you have rookered inside. Real horrorshow, yes. But who is the weepy young devotchka?"
"Her? Thats my sis, up from the Midlands, here on holiday, why?" I replied.
"Relative, yes?" and he slammed the top of the box with the pistol, making a sound so loud I just about soiled myself. "Behave, little Sam, behave."
"You try to frighten me, sir, admit so, sir." I said evenly to him, "This is some new form of torture. Say it, brother, sir."
"It will be your own torture. For being a bastard with no manners and not a dook of an idea how to comport yourself publicwise, O my Brother."
And with one last look at me and Dixie, he left as a slight hum from inside the box started vibrating against the floor.

_The W0nderful telephöne system_


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## Wayne Little (Sep 5, 2008)

Oooops!!!!!


----------



## SoD Stitch (Sep 6, 2008)

That's just wrong . . . . .


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## Lucky13 (Sep 6, 2008)

Oooops indeed...!

Gives a new meaning to "a pain in the *rse" doesn't it....the pic?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 8, 2008)

SoD Stitch said:


> That's just wrong . . . . .



My sentiments exactly!!!!!


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## Njaco (Sep 9, 2008)

GET LUCKY FOR DUMMIES!

Despite its animating anger, this is a book that projects a strange lack of affect, a suave void. It makes one think of the movie "Sunset Boulevard". There, the tale of murder and jealousy is narrated in one long, rueful flashback by the voice of William Holden's Joe Gillis as he floats dead in the swimming pool, face down in a watery grave of blood and chlorine, crime-scene flashbulbs exploding overhead. This has the smooth, just-waxed flow of a ghostwritten memoir. It's all gliding surface and obvious behavior and psychobabbly introspection. It seems to take place in a terrarium, geography and weather and work playing no part; nothing that would distract from the book's studied informality, its coached candor and rehearsed intimacy. It appears authors are running out of ideas for books and just fill them up with countless examples of the same thing. The reader won't be able to get through the first two chapters without vomiting. Some things you just shouldn’t put in your head. When one contrasts Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five with this book, it’s like comparing an Olympic sprinter with an obese man running for the bus with a hot dog in one hand and a soda in the other. It is trite, saccharine and false. The themes and insights it contains are not even good enough to be third rate. Its like an ungrateful girlfriend. You do your best to understand her and get nothing back in return. If you were interested in crazy people this is the book for you.

In stores and paperback 31 September!

_And mani interesting furry ånimals_


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## Thorlifter (Sep 9, 2008)

hahahahaha. Nice pics, Njaco!!!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 9, 2008)




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## Njaco (Sep 10, 2008)

I was getting annoyed now.
I shoved the box outside into the hallway with my foot and started to close the office door. The box continued to vibrate and hum and I could hear Phil down below ask, "Who is it?" But just before I closed the door, I saw a shipping invoice taped on the side of the box. I ripped it off as the box started to shake up against the door of the office next to mine and I quickly ducked back into my room as someone opened the door. Dixie was still on the couch but she had crossed her legs and was swinging the one leg up and down rapidly. She was failing the reflex test. I opened up the invoice and found that the person who had ordered it was named Major Roy Franklin. I didn't know any Major Roy Franklin. I didn't know anybody in the military let alone the Salvation Army.
Dixie spoke up.
"Not for nothing but I have things to do. Are we finished here?" she asked.
"Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the beer." I replied harshly. 
"Buckie is gonna be pissed if I don't get paid." she said.
A moment passed.
Followed by another moment.
"Buckie?"
"He's my boyfriend but I owe him money. If I don't come back without some money, he's gonna kill me." she said, trying to bring a tear to her eye. Instead it looked like she just took a Botox injection.
"Well, I'm not a bank and I didn't order anthing from you," I said, "I gotta find out whats happening around here. You can stay or you can go - up to you."
She made a face like she just ate some Brownswager and uttered a few choice words under her breath. I was hoping she'd slip into something more comfortable...like a coma. I picked up the telephone book and started to search through the pages. After a few minutes I found what I was looking for. I grabbed the phone.
A squeaky voice answered.
"Hate-O-Gram. Your payback is our greenbacks. Can I help you?"
"Yeah, listen, that was great! I ordered that hate-o-gram on Slade downtown and it was beautiful. I want to order another one but I can't remember which credit card I gave you. I don't want to mess this up. Can you tell me the name on the card number I gave you?"
"Sure!" he replied. I could hear him shuffle some papers and punch some keys on a keyboard. He started singing something under his breath. "Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell. He must have had a brain tumor for breakfast.
He finally came back on the phone.
"Charles Luciano." he said, "you know, we have a buy one get one free special. Do you have anybody else we could send to?"
"No, no," I shot back, quickly, "Thats ok. I'll get back to ya."
Suddenly he sounded hurt, like I killed his puppy or stole his boyfriend, "I'm sorry. Did we do something wrong? If the performance didn't live up to expectations we have a money-back guarantee. We're sorry if it didn't work."
His voice was getting on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. "Don't worry about it, there's no way I could like you less." I said and hung up.

Dixie was giving mouth-to-mouth to the Blue Ribbon as I hung up the phone. It looked like the second best thing she could do with her lips. Charles Luciano, the mobster? I thought. Hes been dead for 40 years! Somebody was playing a prank and I was the target. It was starting to get dark outside when my door rattled again as someone was knocking from the outside. Looking through the glass of the door I could see it was the stooge who rented the office next door with a pile of magazines in his arms.
What now! I thought and opened the door.


_We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked._


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## Lucky13 (Sep 11, 2008)

Her, beer and BBQ in that order and I'd be a happy man...! Great stuff mate!!


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## Screaming Eagle (Sep 11, 2008)

nice!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 11, 2008)

Excellent!!


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## wilbur1 (Sep 11, 2008)

Great work NJ keep it up (pun intended for lucky)


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## Lucky13 (Sep 11, 2008)

Hmmmm.......


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## Njaco (Sep 11, 2008)

"Hey, Slade!" my next door neighbor shouted, "You mind keeping your mail to yourself. I don't want this crap!"
He threw the pile of magazines down with a loud crack onto the floor and then stood there, staring at me. I picked up the top mag, 'Warts Illustrated' and immediately saw that it was addressed to me. Somebody was playing games again.
"I really don't know what you're into and I really don't care but can you keep your filth off my doorstep!?" he huffed, took a look at Dixie, smiled and then walked out the door. I went through the magazines and found they had all been addressed to me. 'Better Gnomes Gardens', 'Sluts Unlimited', 'Quarterly Review Monthly', 'Trailer Park Landscaping' and 'Incestor's Business Daily' to name a few. There was even a book, 'Chicken Soup for the Nambla Soul' wrapped in a plastic bag. Dixie was finished with her beer and belched half of the alphabet.

"Here, this is for you." I said and tossed her a copy of 'Octogenarian Upskirts', "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it." She just stared at it. Waiting for her to say something intelligent was like putting a candle in the window for Jimmy Hoffa. I grabbed a copy of 'The Fashionable Goiter' and sat down next to her on the couch. 

This was starting to get me pissed. Somebody was trying to get to me but I couldn't figure out who or why. It all started with that invitation to the Brown Willy. I pulled the paper out of my pocket and looked it again. On one side was the invoice for the adult toys and the other was the message. The invoice side had the name blacked out with crayon. I sat for a second with it in my hand then I held it up to the light from the lamp on my desk. Moving it around, faintly I could make out a name.

Slevin Kelevra

Well, that didn't help. I knew of no Slevin Kelevra. Never heard of him. I had never heard of any of these people! Do I look like a people person? But before I forgot them I grabbed a pen and wrote them down on the invoice.

Major Roy Franklin
Charles Luciano
Slevin Kelevra

I looked at Dixie who was following a fly walking around the arm of the couch. If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
"Hey, did Buckie tell you who called him?"
"No." she said, vacantly.
"Can you ask him?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Sure, over there," I said and pointed to the door behind the inflatable doll, "but take the phone and ask him who called for you."
"But what do I tell him?" she quizzed.
"Just tell him you're here for the night and you're gonna make 1000 euros. Ok?"
She nodded like a bobble-head and disappeared into the bathroom.


_Sam få sända med posten. Han icke lik brevlådan. Spöklik sakerna de är skedde. Man, I love doing subtitles. Especially for deaf people. I can play around with them cause they can't hear me. Like this: What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy. haha haha._


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## Screaming Eagle (Sep 12, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Sep 12, 2008)

Go NJ !


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## B-17engineer (Sep 12, 2008)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 13, 2008)

Outstanding!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 13, 2008)

Love it!


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## wilbur1 (Sep 13, 2008)

Wouldnt ya just figure, my 2000th post is in this thread hah


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## Njaco (Sep 13, 2008)

and the lamb.....
lies down.........

ON BROADWAY!!!!!!!


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## Catch22 (Sep 14, 2008)

Very nice!

I wonder who "unsure" is?


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## Screaming Eagle (Sep 15, 2008)

lmfao!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 15, 2008)

lmfao!


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## Njaco (Sep 16, 2008)

I was about to settle behind my desk and wait for Dixie when, impossibly a knock came to my door.
I'm not even going to print what came to my mind.
"WHAT?" I yelled and started to look around for something to throw. The bowling ball looked good.
"Delivery" came the answer in a startled voice.
Getting up from around the desk I grabbed a trophy that I had won in a 9th Grade Spelling Bee. Holding it above my head, ready to swing, I opened the door.
I was met with a kid who appeared to be barely out of High School let alone his mother. He had more pimple craters on his face than Elizabeth Taylor had husbands and a T-shirt that read 'I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself'. He was holding a white bag that appeared to leaking at the bottom. As he stood there with a Mona Lisa smile I suddenly caught a smell creeping into the office. It was if he had wiped himself with Morbier cheese! Holding my nose I asked him what he wanted. He looked at the trophy held high above my head and uttered,"Delivery....sir."
"Delivery of what?" I asked.
"Your food delivery. From Chin Tu Fat's Vegan Soul Food Market?" he gulped, eyes steady on the trophy. I tossed it on the couch where it broke.
"Food? I didn't order any food! And I'm not paying for any food! And what the hell is that smell?!!"
He relaxed alttle and looked like he wanted to pick his nose for relief.
"Thats the Tabbouleh salad. Theres also stuffed eggplant, blackened tofu and freshly made hummus. Its already paid for. We took your credit card over the phone, Mr. Palmer." 
Palmer? I grabbed the receipt he shakily held out to me. The credit card was from a Mr. Emerson Lake Palmer. Then I saw how much it cost. Cripes! They were charging $256 for this bag of rabbit food! I grabbed the festering bag, mumbled a "thanks" and started to close the door.
Stunned, Potsey asked for a tip.
"Don't throw a brick straight up." I said and slammed the door on one of his pimples.

_This dude Sam, is a tool. Hey, I got a question for deaf people. If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? hahhahahhahh. I kill myself!! hahahah!_


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## DBII (Sep 16, 2008)

What a great way to forget Ike.  

DBII


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## wilbur1 (Sep 17, 2008)

Classic stuff NJ


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## Njaco (Sep 17, 2008)

We interrupt the "Get Lucky: Revenge of the Perp" schedule to bring you this Special Bulletin.

Jerry: Good evening. We're breaking into regular programming tonight to bring you the news on Godzilla's latest attack on our nation. I'm Jerry Attrick. Beside me is Ima Horr. Ima ?

Ima : Thanks, Jerry. GodzillaScope satellites picked up the giant radioactive lizard in the Caribbean two days ago, and have been tracking his movement ever since. After crushing Puerto Rico and Bermuda, experts determined Godzilla's next move would be toward the state of Florida.

Jerry: Those experts were proven right half an hour ago, when Godzilla rose out of the sea off the coast of Miami and destroyed a local marina. 

Ima : Now, let's take a look at our five-day forecast with Godzillaologist, Jim Nasium. What can you tell us, Jim?

Jim: Thanks, Ima. First, let's look at our GodzillaTracker 2000 doppler radar. Here you see Godzilla just coming ashore outside of Miami. We'll put that in motion for you, so you can see he's moving north. That ground clutter you see behind him is actual ground clutter, a path of destruction Godzilla is leaving in his wake.... Now, let's switch to the five-day forecast. This blue line is the projected path we expect Godzilla to take on his rampage of death. He'll come up through Orlando, then into Georgia, where our simulations tell us he'll head right through the Atlanta area before continuing his way up the coast. Finally, by Friday, we expect him to be pushed back out to sea by a fast-moving Mothra coming down from the northwest....Of course, Godzilla can be unpredictable, so this larger white area shows the envelope of the area at risk. Ima?

Ima : Thanks, Jim. Jim, is there any indication of what Godzilla wants, or is this just yet another nightmarish rampage of mindless destruction for the big G?

Jim: It's hard to say at this point, Ima. It could be he's simply hungering for some electricity, which as you know is his main food source. Or perhaps he is actually heading toward an even worse threat we aren't even aware of yet like Global Warming.

Ima : Thanks, Jim. Jerry?

Jerry: We go now to our man on the scene, Hugh Flung Poo, in Fort Lauderdale.

Hugh : Thanks, Jerry. I'm standing about five miles north of the last known location of Godzilla. As you can see behind me, traffic is jammed with people trying to flee in terror from the giant monster. All the power is out here, Jerry. All the buildings are dark. And in the distance, I don't know if you can see it, that cloudbank isn't actually a cloud. It's a combination of smoke and dust from all the fires Godzilla has been starting tonight. Every once in a while, the cloud lights up as Godzilla breathes radioactive death onto the people and buildings of Fort Lauderdale. There! Did you see that? It just happened! Oh, it's magnificent. Truly a sight to behold.

Jerry: Did I hear a roar, Hugh?

Hugh: Yes, Jerry. Even though Godzilla is still miles away, that spine-chilling roar of his can still be heard.

Jerry: You're doing an excellent job, Hughie. Keep it up.

Hugh : Thanks, Jerry. However, our GodzillaTracker 2000 realtime radar is showing Godzilla to be less than a mile from your location.

Jim: He is? 

Jerry: Jimmy, try to get some pictures of Godzilla if you can.

Jim: Are you insane, Jerry?

(_Roar!)_

Jerry: It looks like he is just south of you, Jimmy. Pan that direction and show us what's there. (_pause_) Well, keep trying, Jimmy. And be safe out there.

Jim: Jerry, it sounds like Godzilla is getting very close now, so my crew and I--

Jerry: Thanks for that on-the-scene report, Jimmy. Stay right there in case we want to come back to you later.

Jim: [bleep!] you, Jerry.

Ima: We have with us here in the studio an expert in the field of Godzilla, radiocryptosinozoologist Dr. Raymond Mason. Thank you for coming, Dr. Mason.

Dr. Mason: Glad to be here, Ima.

Ima: So tell us, Doctor. Where does Godzilla come from?

Dr. Mason: That's hard to say, Ima. Some believe he mutated from a normal lizard as a side effect of the nuclear bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the end of World War 2. My personal theory, and I have evidence to back this up, is that he is a previously unknown type of dinosaur who was frozen during a previous ice age, and released at roughly the time of the bombing by unrelated events. Either way, ever since his appearance, he has traveled the world causing mayhem.

Ima: What kind of evidence, Doctor?

Dr. Mason: Well, it's complicated. I don't know if your viewers could grasp the subtleties in the amount of time we have.

Ima: Can you simplify it for us?

Dr. Mason: Well, basically, he's 200 feet tall. No modern lizard, not even the Komodo Dragon, could function when enlarged to Godzilla's proportions. Also, his body structure does not match the physiology of any known lizard. Only dinosaurs are known to have walked on their rear legs.

Ima: But what about the fact that Godzilla breathes radioactive fire? Doesn't that indicate some connection or exposure to nuclear materials?

Dr. Mason: Possibly. However, it is equally possible that Godzilla's dinosaur species--the Tyrannosaurus Toho--evolved in an area and time with naturally occurring high levels of radiation. It could have become integrated into his biological processes in this way. What you call "radioactive fire" breath could simply be his equivalent of our production of carbon dioxide when we exhale.

Ima: But what evidence do you have that such a place ever existed?

Dr. Mason:[sigh] I knew that, as a woman, you probably wouldn't be able to understand what I'm telling you.

Ima: "As a woman?!" Why, you---

Jerry : I'm sorry to break in, Ima, but we've just received word that correspondent Jim Nasium has been killed, along with his camera crew. Apparently, Godzilla stepped on them while Jimmie repeatedly and frantically shouted Godzilla's name. We hope to have footage available soon. Our condolences to their families. But while we wait for that footage, there is news breaking from the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. We now go to our state correspondant, Al Kaholic. Whats happening Al?

Al: Well Jerry, the Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no bag limit.
3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
4. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
5. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. Back to you, Jerry.

Jerry: Thanks Al, thats great news.....

Ima: I'm sorry to break in, Jerry, but we're getting word that Steve Jobs is about to make a special announcement. We now go to our Technology reporter, Terry Dactyl. Terry?

Terry: Thanks, Ima. Thats right Steve Jobs has just warned of yet another serious malfunction regarding the Apple iPod. It turns out that even while the user is wearing the headphones provided with the iPod unit, people in the general vicinity of the user can actually still hear them singing along to "What a Fool Believes". The problem, according to Mr. Jobs, is the part where they sing:

"_But what a fool beeee-LIEEEVES 
He exceeeEEEDs 
A wise man has the powder! 
Teresa no waaay - 
Butt seeEEED
To bleeEEED
There's always magic nothing!*_

Doobie Brothers, indeed. Owners are advised to contact Apple for a hardware update, consisting of a length of duct tape and a small rubber ball. Back to you, Ima.

Ima: Thanks, Terry. Sounds like the re-occurance of that old Elton John mistake, "Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Sugar Bear." Jerry?

Jerry: It sures does. Well, until we have further developments, We will now return you to your program still in progress. This has been a Special Bulletin from BBC 61.

_We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked._


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## Screaming Eagle (Sep 18, 2008)




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## Wayne Little (Sep 18, 2008)




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## wilbur1 (Sep 18, 2008)

Well i gotta say NJ, you are definitly on the fasttrack to stardom, heck keep writin like that and Stephen King will be jealous


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## Njaco (Sep 18, 2008)

Its not all me. Some of this stuff I will admit I'm pinching from other sources - just switching it around to match the thread. But you get the general idea. Its fun is the main thing and keeping you guys laughing!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2008)

WHO gave you that picture...!!??


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## Njaco (Sep 24, 2008)

I was about to make a sacrifice to the gods with the sack of food when Dixie came out of the bathroom with a trail of toilet paper from under her skirt.
"Getting married?" I asked. She gave me a stare as if her father had just walked in.
"What's in the bag?" she asked.
"Dinner. You can have it." I replied and grabbed the phone book again.

She opened the bag and laid its contents across the desk. By the time she had everything out, it looked like a yard sale at a trailer park on Mischief Night. I could only watch, hypnotized, as she kept twirling around the desk, wrapping it in Scott tissue. The food looked awful. The salad was the saddest looking bunch of vegetables I had ever seen in my life, as if somebody had put green food coloring on pieces of cardboard. You know that disturbing skin that appears on stagnant bowls of pudding? It's now in balls! Grey and brown little balls that kept sliding off the salad. She would put it back on the salad like a cheap toupee but it wouldn't stick. I tried to open the phone book but I was fascinated with the way she grabbed a plastic plate out of the bag and loaded it with this horse grub. And the smell didn't bother her. She finally had a plate made and handed it to me.
"You're kiddin, right?" I said, realizing that the closer I got to the stuff, the worse it smelled.
"I don't like eating alone."
"How about living?" I replied and she gave me a grimace. I took the plate and she went back to the stuff on the desk.

Not wanting to try the salad, tofu or hummus, I went with what I recognized, the stuffed eggplant. But recognize is too strong a word. It looked like an argyle sock stuffed with marbles. Grabbing a spork from my pocket, I broke off a piece and gingerly put it in my mouth. I immediately realized that the fatal flaw with this meal was its disregard of the fundamental law of vegetarian cuisine: you often have to bake eggplant for three weeks to get it fully cooked. This was a disaster. It was like eating a jellybean filled with butter. I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed. I never thought I would get it down! I would rather eat old furnace filters than this eggplant crap! I grabbed one of the slimy balls off the salad and popped it in mouth to give my jaw a break. Big mistake. In the immortal words of Ralph Wiggum: it tasted like burning. I fell to the floor looking for the case of beer or maybe even the cat's water bowl. Luckily, I found the former and quickly gulped down one bottle then grabbed two more and got up from the floor.

Dixie had started in on her plate of food (boy, thats a misnomer!). I gave her a beer. Not saying anything, just chewing, she smiled. I smiled. Neither one of us would admit the meal was horrible. We both grabbed a sporkful of hummus at the same time and continued to chew. Chew and smile. Smile and chew. I felt like a cow.

Just as I polished off another bottle of beer, the phone rang. Gladly, I picked it up.
"Schlam?" came the slobbering voice on the other end.

_Sam eet wat vreselijk voedsel. Zo is Dixie. Kunt u me nu horen?_


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## Screaming Eagle (Sep 25, 2008)

!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 25, 2008)

Excellent....!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 30, 2008)




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## Njaco (Oct 1, 2008)

BBC 61 would like to apologize for the delay in "Get Lucky: Revenge of the Perp" We're having technical difficulties in switching to HD (Jonesey in IT thought it was a sexually transmitted disease. He is now in the mailroom.) Please be patient and we will return "Get Lucky" to its full gloriuos, once in a life time...you get the picture.

_You really want me to translate this crap? Core!_


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## Wayne Little (Oct 1, 2008)

Yes I get the picture!


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## Njaco (Oct 7, 2008)

sorry guys had to take a break in the middle of the next episodes. A few things at home - which is good but work is killing me! We have severe staff shortages and I'm working almost round the clock. I check the site and post a few things but everything is getting backed up. The This Day in Europe and Get Lucky are suffering. Hope it clears soon but it may be awhile.

Sorry.


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## Screaming Eagle (Oct 8, 2008)

Its quite alright chris, you do what you have to do mate.


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## Lucky13 (Oct 8, 2008)

That's allright buddy, no need to aopolgise! No need to stress or panic, work, home etc. always has the first spot...


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## Wayne Little (Oct 9, 2008)

Yeah Chris, take care of business mate, we'll be patiently waiting.....


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## Njaco (Oct 21, 2008)

I felt like I was in a black hole.
or at least caught in an idiot magnet.
I could tell by the syntax that whoever was on the other end of the phone had a speech impediment and not one that would lend one to having many friends. I was imagining the drip cup hanging just below his chin. That or he had just come from a dentist.
"Schlam?" it asked again.
"Who wants to know?" I asked.
A pause like he was trying to remember his name.
"Schleeve", he said, "I wassh inshtershdead in da donkkkey."
A what?
Dixie was rolling a tofu ball around her plate. It was collecting various bits of food until it looked like a baseball with grass clippings. She looked up at me with a brain-less gaze.
"yeah." I replied.
"I'm inshereshesdead in a don- (slurp)key. How mush fooran our?"
It felt like my phone started to drip. I unconsiously wiped my ear.
"Where did you get this number?" I said and he made a sound like he was sniffing and drowning at the same time. Then he paused again.
"Ishh dish Schlam?"
Why lider jag dumbommar? I thought to myself. Dixie harpooned the grass ball and I was gonna warn her about putting it in her mouth but decided not to, as her reaction might be entertaining. The Spit King let out a sigh.
"Listen, buddy, tell me where you got my number and maybe I can help you with the donkey." I answered. Dixie shoved the whole green mass into her mouth. A second passed and then her eyes started to tear up.
"On the wall (slupp) of the bashroom at tha Brown Willie."
The Brown Willie?!
I could feel my blood pressure reach critical mass as he slobbered the name of the bar I was to have a meeting at. The games were continuing and I had no clue who 'ell the my opponent was. Now I was getting mad.
"What, exactly was written on the wall, pal?"
I could hear him gulp.
"It shaid, 'For a Good time with Farm animalsh, call Schlam' and then a number."
A small muffled scream echoed behind me and I could see Dixie grabbing for the beer bottle on the desk. She appeared to have a sudden onset of Grave's Disease. Finishing the beer in 3.2 seconds, she then went searching for more.
"Great." I murmured.
"Shoew howe about shat donkey?" Spongebob asked.
"You don't need it." I answered.
There was a crash as Dixie knocked over the lamp, grabbing for the fish tank. Lifting the whole tank to her face, she started to drink like a camel.
"Why?"
Dixie collapsed in the chair, still draining the fish tank.
"Because you're already an ass." and I hung up.

Hey! How about a Knock, Knock joke? Knock, knock! Who’s there?Adolf! Adolf who? Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat’s why I dawk dis way. hahahahaha!


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## Lucky13 (Oct 21, 2008)

....and he's baaack!


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## Screaming Eagle (Oct 23, 2008)

nice!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Oct 29, 2008)

Coooooooooooooooooll.


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## Catch22 (Oct 31, 2008)

Very nice!


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## Emon_Essex (Nov 5, 2008)

Hmm... methinks someone should give her a hand in washing! I see you're all too shy, so i guess that leaves me! (just joking)


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## wilbur1 (Nov 5, 2008)

Chris youssss the man ,........... emon by the time you read this ill have her clean and tasting good


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## Emon_Essex (Nov 5, 2008)

I don't know wilbur, I think you missed a couple spots.....


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## Njaco (Nov 21, 2008)

#$%**^%$$##**^!!!%!!! I thought to myself.
Dixie dropped the fish tank and just sat there in the chair. Soaked from her head to her stomach from the fish water, she would have won a wet T-shirt contest. Then she belched and spit out a Tiger barb.
"Who the hell is setting me up?!" I said and I started to pace across the room. "Who is doing this? And why? And who was Piltdown Man?"
"Maybe a client?" Dixie said as she wiped her mouth, the lipstick smearing across her cheek like a skidmark. "Happens to me all the time."
"No, can't be that. All my clients are pissed at me but not to this extent." I still paced around the room and kicked a Tickle-Me Elmo doll into the closet. It giggled as it settled among the empty pizza boxes.
"Well, I don't know," Dixie said, "I got my own problems with Bucky." She picked up her purse and started rooting around in it.
"Whoever it is, we're meeting up with him tommorrow and the punk better have some answers." I said. I pulled out the crumpled reciept and looked at the names I had written on it.
"I better go prepared." I said.
"How?" Dixie asked as she began pulling stuff out of her purse and laying them on the desk. On top of a few condoms and an 1818 George III shilling, she placed a copy of "_Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_".
"Whoever this is, has got this planned out. I need some defense, maybe a weapon. Or Richard Simmons."
Dixie perked up and her shirt showed it.
"I may have something! What do you want?"
"What do you have?"
She started to ravenously dig into her purse and rapidly tossed things onto the desk. Out came 5 tubes of lipstick, a tire repair kit and a spatula. She looked at me and grinned.
"A Remington 1100 Autoloader?" she said.
Too big for my purpose. "Anything else?" I asked.
"A phased plasma pulse-laser in the forty watt range..." she answered and continued to dig in her purse.
A what......?
"Uzi 9 millimeter." she mumbled.
I was impressed. "You know your weapons, girl."
"Any one of them's ideal for home defense. Which'll it be?" she asked and smiled.
I thought it over a second. "Lets take them all." I said.
A smile cracked the drying lipstick and she let out a loud "Woo Hoo!!" I thought she was gå agurk. I let loose with an SBD. We needed some sleep if we were gonna make it to the Brown Willie bright eyed, so she took the couch (sweeping off the trash and rubbing off the sticky parts) and I fell asleep in the desk chair. I was...it and then....for.....panties............"Oh, no!"......................
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're sorry to bring this interuption but BBC 61 is currently switching to HD and we are experiencing difficulties. Please be patient and we'll soon return you to the exciting "Get Lucky: Revenge of the Perp." In the meantime, while our sponsors scramble for ad space, we bring you this very important Public Service Announcement.

_Ok, did you hear the one about the Pope and the Swedish.....------------------------------------------------------------frickin cable----------------------------------------------------------_


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## Lucky13 (Nov 22, 2008)

Heee's baaaaack....! 8)


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## wilbur1 (Nov 22, 2008)

Good show Chris


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## Catch22 (Nov 22, 2008)

Very nice!


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## Screaming Eagle (Nov 23, 2008)

cool!!!


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## Njaco (Nov 25, 2008)

Where's Lucky?!

who cares?


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## Catch22 (Nov 25, 2008)

Found it!


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## Njaco (Nov 27, 2008)

A half hour later they were in her room. When Sam wanted something he did not waste time.
"I usually don't invite strange men up to my room," Mrs. Costello giggled.
"I'm not strange." Sam replied, opening up champagne and surreptitiously slipping two strong sleeping pills into hers. "What is so strange about wanting to be alone with a beautiful woman?"
Mrs. Costello cackled with delight. This was the best one to come her way since the twenty year old black waiter in Detroit. Who could ever forget the excitement of one's first furtive gropings. The hands under the sweater. The lips, the tongues, teeth. The eroticism of investigating a strange ear. The exquisite thrill of a clandestinely fondled kneecap. Mrs. Costello felt as flushed as any 15 year old. It was an amazing sensation. Sam, too, was filled with an unremembered excitement. To touch but not really able to. To feel - but not properly.
"I want to see your body." Sam whispered. "I know you have a very beautiful body."
Mrs. Costello traced the line of his mouth with her tongue.
"None of your BS lines, please, Sam. None of your stock phrases. You don't have to play the perfect gentleman with me."
She had figured him out pretty quickly. He liked that. Their tongues played sensuous games. His fingers were on her thigh, traveling up, sneaking around the leg of her panties.
"What do you think you are doing!" Mrs. Costello exploded, "You cannot......"

I awoke to find myself on the couch next to Dixie who had my wrist bent back in a grip that was the most painful I had ever felt. I let out a gruffled moan, trying not to black out from the pain. Never in my life had I been roused out of a dream like this - except for that time in Manilla with that Greek midget.
"Don't ever try that again, funnyman. Theres a price that comes with this toy." she barked and bent my wrist back further. It felt like it would break off.
"ok, ok," I moaned, "I get the picture. I was only dreaming. Can I have my wrist back?"
"As long as we're clear on the rules." she said and released her grip.
Just as quickly I slapped her across the face with my good hand. She fell back across the desk and into the chair, wide-eyed.
"Thats for waking me up."


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## Screaming Eagle (Nov 28, 2008)

nice!


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## wilbur1 (Nov 28, 2008)

Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Nov 29, 2008)

Top notch! 8)


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## Njaco (Nov 30, 2008)

It could not get any better for comic fans. It's going to be Christmas all over again. And some of you are probably going "Huh? There was a sequel to 'Get Lucky'?" The point of comic book issues are to progress a story, not bore the readers. And even when the plot progresses, this has horrible plots. In these issues, Sam Slade discovers that a scientist made a clone of Lucky and his deceased girlfriend Dorothy Stratten. The twist was the clone named Screamin' E had all the memories of Sam Slade and thought he was Sam Slade. Then, the real Sam Slade began to think he himself was the clone. Sam defeated the clone in a fight, threw him down a vent and the clone died…or is he! "Get Lucky" teaches us an interesting lesson: even when lame jokes are delivered by pseudo homeless guys, they're still not funny. Sadly, it's impossible to not read these comics when they're in the comics book section. The text is so big and scarce that your eyes flock to it. Even if you don't want to read it, you'll be forced by the laws of nature to do it. "The Family Circus" also uses this technique. Makes mere ham-handed idiocy look like Alfred Einstein or something. Not in a good way either. Just terribly drawn, every panel is all scribbly and ugly, especially the inept attempts at a "pretty girl" character. Sometimes it's a page of text with an illustration, sometimes it's a page of comics, sometimes it's half and half, sometimes it's a full page cosmic hippie jumble of floating words and warped images. Best use for these comics: Donate to an animal shelter to line the dog pens. 

At fine comic bookstores in Bulgaria. Grab yours today!


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## Screaming Eagle (Dec 1, 2008)

nice chris! Wouldn't mind a few of those comics.


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## Njaco (Dec 9, 2008)

It was late morning and the blood was just starting to return to my wrist. Dixie was busy grabbing things and stuffing them back into her pocketbook, muttering Spanish curses under her breath. I didn't care except I would need her arsenal of weapons. I started to pick up a Desert Eagle off the desk when she went for my wrist again. 
"Whoa'" I said, "Don't you know any other moves besides that 'Karate Kid' special?"
"I'm getting out of here!" she yelped, and continued to stuff trinkets into her bag including a John Birch Society pamphlet. She looked angry. I could tell by the look in her eye and the way she scrunched up her face. It looked like a foot.
"Fine, but can't you at least leave the S W Model 29 .44-cal. Magnum revolver?" I said.
"I don't like the games you play, Professor." She continued to stuff her bag. In went a Bee Gees CD.
"Now you listen to me, I'm an detective, not a red herring. I've got a job, a secretary, a mother, two ex-wives and several bartenders that depend upon me, and I don't intend to disappoint them all by getting myself "slightly" killed." I grabbed my copy of Danish Playboy just as she began to jam it into her purse. She refused to let go and a tug-of-war started between her and me. I decided to let go and the sudden release let the magazine smack her in the face and she fell back with the desk chair. Landing on the floor in a heap, I couldn't help but think she was as bright as Alaska in December. Collecting herself together, she glared at me.
"Røv og nøgler!" she spat.
"Alright," I started, "Lets calm down here." I offered my hand to help her up but she just spat on it and huffed herself to a standing positon. I could see the skirt was ripped a few inches more - inches it didn't really have. She's had a body that wouldn't quit but a brain that wouldn't start.
"Alright," I said, "I'm in the middle of something here and I can't figure it out. Everything is too neat. Call it my women's intuition, if you will. But I've never trusted neatness. Neatness has always been the form of very deliberate planning."
I paused.
"I need your help." I said. 
She stopped cleaning herself up and looked at me, her face softening. It was either that or she had bad gas.
"My help? What do you need my help for?" she asked.
"Well, right now you're the only person I've got that has a slight connection to whoever is doing this to me. Maybe its Bucky, maybe an old client, maybe you or maybe even the Borg. They go after everybody. But whoever it is, you could help me get to them." I tried my best Gregory Peck look, "Couldn't you?" (slight eye flutter).
She just stared at me for a minute. Then another minute. Her mouth curled into a very slight smile.
"You should treat me with a little more respect, someday, It’s gonna be my tax dollars paying for your prison cell!"
I returned the smile. She went back to her foot-face.
"Just remember: Min igelkot e inte dum." she blurted and picked up the desk chair and sat down in it.
"Ahhh, right!?" I said.

I had a few hours before the meeting at the Brown Willie and I wanted to be prepared. Dixie had the guns but what else would I need? Pepperspray? The phone number to 911? A paperclip? McGyver I wasn't.
"So, you were married before?" Dixie asked.
I looked at the ceiling.
"My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy." I replied and grabbed the reciept with the names out of my pocket. What was the connection?
"I've never been married. But I would like to be." she said and poked at the horse food from the night before with a finger nail. The hummus let out a squeal.
I looked at the names on the piece of paper.
"Yeah, well, Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity." I said.
Dixie made the foot face again.
"What's the matter with you, you get up on the wrong side of the bottle this morning?" she asked.
"I don't know, you tell me." 
As I looked at the names, I could feel that there was something there. But I couldn't put my finger on it.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Dec 11, 2008)

Great work Njaco!


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## Wayne Little (Dec 12, 2008)




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## Lucky13 (Apr 7, 2009)

Just had to bring this one back to life....


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## Wayne Little (Apr 7, 2009)

Good one Jan! Ok Chris you've finished your GB so you must have a little bit of time.........


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 7, 2009)

Yes, we would like more. P-----L-----E-----A-----S-----E.


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## Njaco (Apr 7, 2009)

Ok, ok....start it back up.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 8, 2009)

Rippa!!


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## Lucky13 (Apr 8, 2009)

Waaaaaiiiiiit! I need to fasten the seatbelt for this one!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, oh, oh, oh, get the popcorn!


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## gumbyk (May 12, 2009)

Well, that was a great way to waste the last 3 hours of work!!!

You've got another loyal fan Njaco.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 13, 2009)

Ah-hum. My popcorn is getting stale.


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## Lucky13 (May 14, 2009)

My beer is warm....yuch!


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## Njaco (May 14, 2009)

We first found Sam waiting ina car on a hot day checking for a dog that he already found and then decided to go back to his office but when he got there he fought with the doorman over a package - or something and then in the package he found was a slip of paper and some cool green popcorn balls, the kind they use for packages and stuff when they want to ship delicate stuff around the world or whereever and then a guy was at the door who started saying crap that was dissing on ma man and he didn't like it and kicked him out and then some guys brought him a 'special' chair that, well, who knows what could be done - oh and the narrator was being fired and stuff and then Barak Obama was elected president though some people on here didn't like that and then a girl called who was a call girl and Sam didn't have time for that but before he could get prices another noob was at his door but this time it was the police and the guy was a Clockwork Orange fanatic and Sam didn't understand a word he was saying so he kicked him out but most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England, in fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York and this would have been the largest single shipment delivered to Mexico, but sadly, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York as the ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost but the people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss and their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day and The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo" and then Sam had another visitor who was his next door neighbor who was upset about something and Sam couldn't figure it out and he had a bunch of names and a place that he had to go for a rendes, ronday, renzvouuu, *$##**^* - a meeting at some bar or something and then something happened which he didn't like and then another thing and then Dixie (the call girl) said something which made Sam spit something onto something and everything was going crazy and.....jeez, read the freakin story instead of wasteing time here! This was so un-needed! So back to the story.........

Sam coughed then licked his finger.


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## DBII (May 14, 2009)

I just caught up on my reading in time for the new season, Sam is still #1. Now where is that bottle?

DBII


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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2009)

Ahum.....


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## Njaco (Jul 28, 2009)

I'm halfway thorugh a new chapter. Just hold on a dang minute. I'm packing and spending money and, damn, these shoes are too tight! Where the 'ell did I buy these from? Wait. Oh, the socks are too thick. Just gotta get them off and....Wooah!! I gotta wash my feet more!!!


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## Lucky13 (Jul 28, 2009)

What's that smell!?


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 28, 2009)

Is he done yet, huh, huh, is he done yet?


----------



## vikingBerserker (Jul 28, 2009)

Have you ever just walked into the middle of a conversation and have no idea what the hell is going on????


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jul 28, 2009)

vikingBerserker said:


> Have you ever just walked into the middle of a conversation and have no idea what the hell is going on????



It will take a while but you really need to start at the begining of this thread. You will probably laugh until you hurt but it is well worth it VB.


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## Lucky13 (Sep 28, 2009)

Ahum.....8)


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 28, 2009)

My popcorn got up and walked off.


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## BikerBabe (Sep 28, 2009)

I should never have opened this, as I wanted to get to bed early. 
I'm still catching my breath after laughing hard all the way through this thread, GOD it's GREAT, love it! 

""Røv og nøgler!" she spat." ROTFLMAOAPIMP!


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## GrauGeist (Sep 29, 2009)

Talk about hang-time!


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## Lucky13 (Sep 29, 2009)

Did I get lucky in the end or.....?


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## Wayne Little (Sep 29, 2009)

Lucky13 said:


> Did I get lucky in the end or.....?



No...not yet you haven't.....


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 29, 2009)




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## Lucky13 (Sep 30, 2009)

Now then?


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## Screaming Eagle (Sep 30, 2009)

Give it 5 more minutes Jan


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## Wayne Little (Sep 30, 2009)

Lucky13 said:


> Now then?



Soon.....real soon.....


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## Lucky13 (Sep 30, 2009)

How about now then?


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## BikerBabe (Sep 30, 2009)

*_pats Jan gently and comfortingly on the back_*


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## Lucky13 (Jan 12, 2010)

How about now then??


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## ccheese (Jan 12, 2010)

Soon, Jan.....maybe soon...

Charles


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## Njaco (Jan 12, 2010)

I'm trying. Lots of stuff going on. The writers here at BBC 61 went on strike wanting more money and a definate spot on the next "American Idol" AND "Britains Got Talent". One guy threatened to eat nothing but Brussel Sprouts until the demands were met. I'm kinda waiting to see what happens to him.


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## Lucky13 (Jan 12, 2010)

Can you make this one sticky Chris? It's a shame to lose it, with all your hardwork and it's always a good laugh to read once in a while....


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## Njaco (Jan 12, 2010)

Know what ya mean. I'll ask the other mods or better yet, maybe a poll? 

I gotta finish it though. I have half the ending completed.


----------



## Lucky13 (Jan 13, 2010)




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## Wayne Little (Jan 15, 2010)

Shake a leg Chris!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 15, 2010)

I've still got my popcorn.


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## Njaco (May 12, 2010)

It took me a year and a half but I finally made it to the 'Brown Willie' for my meeting. I had left Dixie at the office to look over the strange collection of junk that was showing up at my door. She wasn't happy but eventually went off to play with the left-over food that was starting to grow into something from a John Carpenter movie. I didn't care. I was bugged that someone had my number and was punking me! Pis og papir! Besides, Dixie was starting to hurt my eyes.

I finally found the 'Brown Willie' in a dark, dank, nondescript alley between a Wal-Mart and a Dairy Queen. The street light was encrusted with the remains of bugs past and cast a sick brown glow across the concrete. I think it was concrete. There was so much trash and garbage, I almost couldn't see the ground. I expected a naked Arnold to show up in a flash of lightning at any moment. A mumble and a moan issued from a debris pile along a long wall and my hand grasped the handle of the Desert Eagle that Dixie had given me and I had stuffed in my beltline. The trash pile started to move and slowly rose to a sitting position. It was a displaced republican smelling of moldy onions and burning human hair. I asked where the pub was and he directed me further down the wall to a thin door cut into the facade. There was a small sign next to the opening that read "BW". In smaller lettering underneath, it read "Ear Enemas 3 doors down". Paint was peeling off the wood as I slowly pushed the door open.

Inside I walked into a purple painted vestibule with chocolate trim. There was a podium and a chair stained in a deep brown. A familiar shade of brown. A girl behind the podium smiled and welcomed me to the Brown Willie.
"I have an appointment. " I said and gave her my name. She handed me a piece of black cloth.
"And here are your shades." she said. She had about as much class as a lawn flamingo.
"What the hell are these for?" I asked, getting ready for the inevitable suspension of reality.
"You have to wear it. We're a blind restaurant." she snickered.
"A what?!" I spurtted. I suddenly had an urge to lake a teak.
"A blind restuarant. All our employees are blind and so in order for people to experience what it is like to be blind, our restuarant has no lights and is completely dark. In order to truly understand what blind folk go through we also require you to wear an eye shade. No worries, sir, we guarantee you will enjoy the food and the atmosphere."

No wonder whoever it was testing my patience selected this dump as a meeting place. I wouldn't be able to see him! Rend mig i røven! "Lets get this over with!" I thought to myself as I placed the shade over my eyes and waved her onward. She grabbed my hand and we entered the darkened chamber with me mumbling gå agurk to myself.


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## DBII (May 12, 2010)

HE'S BACK....

dbII


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## BikerBabe (May 12, 2010)

It's way too hard to try and type, I'm laughing SO hard here!   
It's those danish expressions that are poked in here and there in the story that gets me...gawd!
Ouch, my stomach!    GASP! Subscription added!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 12, 2010)




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## A4K (May 13, 2010)

!


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## A4K (May 13, 2010)

!


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## A4K (May 13, 2010)

"He's back, he's bad, and THIS time, he's REALLY mad! Get Lucky III - The Revenge!

Join the continuing adventures of our intrepid hero, SAM SLADE, as he makes his way through the knee deep slop and scum of society with nothing but his wits and master intellect (some money would be nice too, but hey, you get that on the big jobs..) in his struggle to defeat the sinister forces of intrigue and mayhem, and solve the case of riddles to finally...

GEEEEEEETTTTTT LUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKYYYY!" (C) TM. Batteries not included. **


**Surgeon general warning: Do not attempt to view this thread whist eating runny foods, such as cornflakes, porridge or last month's lamb chops, or whilst in the vicinity of a straw (drinking milkshakes, snorting coke, etc). Not only may it cause unwanted accidents, but you will look like an idiot to anyone in the vicinity too, along the lines of the 'hey remember the time..?' type that always gets remembered at parties, weddings, and some of the more interesting funerals.


(Great stuff Chris! When are ya gonna publish this stuff??)


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## Lucky13 (May 13, 2010)

Heeeerrrreee's Lucky!


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## Wayne Little (May 17, 2010)

Strewth....nearly missed the return.....


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## Njaco (May 17, 2010)

I dunno. I post an episode and the forum crashes!!!


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## DBII (May 17, 2010)

"I dunno. I post an episode and the forum crashes!!! "

Would that be a Lucky Strike?....

DBII


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## A4K (May 17, 2010)

Now THAT'S what I call an ENTRANCE, Chris!!! 



DAILY NEWS: Monday 17 May. In a show-stopping return performance, the much loved character Sam Slade not only brought the house down, but the whole f***ing forum with it... (Reuters)


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 17, 2010)

It just can't handle it.


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## Njaco (May 17, 2010)

I was thrust into darkness.

O dark dark dark. They all go into dark, the vacant interstellar space, the vacant into the vacant.

The hostess led me to a table - probably in an inky corner and helped me to sit down. I detected strong odors of mutton, falukorv and Chanel #5, all mingled together like someone sneezed in my mouth. For being in perpetual blackness, the place hummed with voices and farting which added to the cornucopia of smells. God, what a dining experience! It was taking all of my effort to just sit there like a dunce, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Which I hoped would be soon.

"How about a menu?" I asked before realizing how stupid that question was.
"Oh there isn't a menu, Mr. Slade. I can tell you what we have....." I cut her off in mid-sentence.
"Don't bother," I said as the sounds of an argument started to drift my way from the next table, "Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." 
The argument was getting louder and I could sense the hostess wasn't paying too much attention to me. One of the participants in the scuffle shouted, "Min igelkot e inte dum." 
"Wait," I semi-shouted above the growing rukus, "make that a Bruichladdich." The neighbors were starting to get on my nerves. The hostess slurred out a half-hearted "Yes sir" and I could tell she had drifted off as I couldn't smell the stench of feet anymore.

The debate next to me turned into a boxing match. I could hear the sliding of chairs quickly moving away from a table and then the mingled sounds of exertion mixed with gasps and screams. One of the dolts must have slipped and his leg whacked my chair, knocking me forward onto my table. Alright, that was enough! I pulled the cloth shade off my head. But everything was still the same! It was still dark, darker than the Million Man March. Ali and Foreman were still trading blows (how they could see each other was beyond me!) and that made me angrier. Suddenly I shouted, "I bet $10 on the one with the knife!" Immediately I could hear chairs and tables being flung over and feet running for the exit. I could tell a few ran full on into the walls. As the noise of crying babies and hurt feelings slowly subsided, a grubby voice whispered from out of the gloom.

"Impressive, Mr. Slade."


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## A4K (May 18, 2010)

Like the aforementioned delicatessen of smells, the plot thickens...


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## Wayne Little (May 18, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 18, 2010)




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## wheelsup_cavu (May 21, 2010)

8)  


Wheels


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## Njaco (May 25, 2010)

Although it was black as the Earl of Hell's Waistcoat!, I could sense that whoever spoke was sitting across from me at the table. He had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled. I reached out for my chair, found it and sat down. I couldn't see anything. But the rush of people to the exits had left one of the doors slightly open which allowed a small sliver of light to permeate the dark. All I could see of my guest was his two front teeth which looked like a couple of Chiclets that weren't on speaking terms.

"Hur står det till?" he said, and I caught a whiff of stale Guinness from across the table. I half expected Anthony Zerbe to reach out with a semi-smoked cigar and offer it to me. My left hand clutched the handle of the Desert Eagle from under the table and I casually leaned back in my chair. I suddenly felt another presence next to me and a waitress asked from out of the oily gloom if she could get us anything to drink. Her voice was quite charming in a sleazy, condescending, I-Get-Paid-To-Harrass-People kind of way and I ordered a vodka tonic. My spooky guest was silent. Just as well.

After she had gone, Darth Goofball spoke again.
"Nu är det kokta fläsket stekt."
"How about some introductions first? Who the 'ell are you?" I spit out, not the least happy with the 76ers lately.
"You already know my name." he said. My right hand felt the paper with the list of names in my pocket.
"Maybe I do and maybe I don't." I replied. I slowly went over the list in my mind which was a difficult thing to do.
Charles Luciano.
The waitress came back with my drink.
Slevin Kelevra.
I swirled the watery vodka and tonic and wondered why I had. 
Major Roy Franklin.
I puffed air from my mouth, feeling the vodka slide down to my stomach and igniting the flesh along the way. I think I would be putting a toilet in therapy soon.
Mr. Emerson Lake Palmer.

There was something funny about the names that I couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with me throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep. Then it came to me!

"You're Lucky!" I blurted.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 25, 2010)




----------



## BikerBabe (May 25, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 26, 2010)




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## T Bolt (May 27, 2010)

Just spent all day reading this thread and it feels like I broke a rib from laughing so hard!

   =D>


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## Njaco (May 29, 2010)

Lucky chuckled and I could see his hair glistening in the doorlight like a nose hair after a sneeze. I peered hard into the dark. I could just make out the features of his face - a face that looked like a Pekingese trying to understand French.

"Do you expect me to talk?" I asked and pulled the gun out of my waistband and held it under the table.

Lucky chuckled again. 

"No, Mr. Slade. I expect you to die." he said. 

I was silent. My thoughts tumbled in my head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.

"So, the shoe is on the other foot, huh?" he smirked and let out another low chuckle as if a chipmunk farted. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

"Not a fun game when someone is stalking you, is it?" he spat. It missed me by inches.

The vodka I had consumed wanted to know if I was going to continue to put up with this crap, and I decided that I would not. 

"I'm not the one with a gun pointed at his hairy bagpipes." I replied and cocked the gun loudly under the table. The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia. He paused before speaking again.

"I have a plan, Mr. Slade. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work." he said. "It was to annoy you, stalk you, just like you do for a living. And thats not much of a living."

I adjusted my grip on the Desert Eagle.

"Yer bum's oot the windae," I said, "Plans sometimes fade away like a turd in the rain."

As soon as I said that, a jukebox started up from somewhere in the darkness. It was a song by Journey. We faced off against each other - me with my gun and he with his breath. Someone came in through the door in a Members Only jacket, blinding us with the sudden flash of light from outside and headed to the bathroom. I could feel my palm start to sweat as we stared at each other. You could cut the tension with a well-placed veto.

The jukebox continued to play.

"Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world
Took the midnight train going anywhere 
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
Took the midnight train going anywhere......"


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## Lucky13 (May 29, 2010)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (May 29, 2010)




----------



## Wayne Little (May 29, 2010)




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## T Bolt (May 29, 2010)

Excellent! Don't stop now!! Don't stop Don't Stop Believin' !!!


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## Njaco (Apr 3, 2013)

Wow, I can't believe its been 5 years.....
.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 3, 2013)

Could it be? Let's hope so! Crap! I'm outta popcorn!


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 3, 2013)




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## Wayne Little (Apr 4, 2013)

drum Roll......


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## meatloaf109 (Apr 4, 2013)

I'm ready!


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## Njaco (Apr 4, 2013)

sorry guys. Nothing so far.......


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## Lucky13 (Apr 4, 2013)

At work, so.....let's the booze flow!

What ya having lads?


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## Njaco (Apr 4, 2013)

Killian's


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## Matt308 (Apr 4, 2013)

Oh. A reprise! A wee nip of Canadian Yukon Jack.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 4, 2013)

Wild Turkey.


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## Njaco (Apr 5, 2013)

Lucky13 said:


> At work, so.....let's the booze flow!
> 
> What ya having lads?



Oh, man, you guys were left wide open on that one!!

I'm having......

.


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 5, 2013)




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## T Bolt (Apr 10, 2013)

Come on Chris, you can't keep us hanging. It's like Spielberg saying he was going to make another Indians Jones movie then having to wait 5 years for it.


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## Wayne Little (Apr 10, 2013)

Yeah Chris, c'mon man...


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## Njaco (Apr 10, 2013)

There ain't no more. I was just musing how its been a few years when it seems like yesterday. Though it does have the old grey matter working........


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## Lucky13 (Apr 10, 2013)

Well, when they once started moving, you can't stop them, better give in to the power of the greys, may the force be with you!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 10, 2013)

If you don't, they just start multiplying.


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## Matt308 (Apr 10, 2013)

.


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## Njaco (Apr 10, 2013)

AND on Facebook!!!!


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## Njaco (Apr 10, 2013)

https://www.facebook.com/get.lucky.9?ref=tn_tnmn


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## vikingBerserker (Apr 13, 2013)

I came across this when I went into an auto parts store to buy some spark plugs:


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## Matt308 (Apr 14, 2013)

Its his official eff page. Oh nevermind...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 14, 2013)

He just likes to tease.


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## Lucky13 (Apr 15, 2013)

The Pop Tart Teaser!


----------



## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Apr 15, 2013)




----------



## Matt308 (Jul 1, 2013)

...where the heck were we... Ooo, I know!


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## BikerBabe (Jul 1, 2013)

I _like _that motorcycle.


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## Matt308 (Jul 1, 2013)

Who flippin' wouldn't!! She's a beauty!!!


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## Njaco (Jul 1, 2013)

Black, black, black Number 13!!

(_sung to Black No. 1 by Type O Negative_)


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## Lucky13 (Jul 2, 2013)

Different badge, engine and we're in business! 

*Quickly hides...*


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## Lucky13 (Jul 6, 2013)




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## Matt308 (Jul 6, 2013)

Good one!


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## Njaco (Aug 27, 2013)

_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5EofwRzit0_


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## Matt308 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have to say that song is playing everywhere and is worn out already. But it is a damn good song. Too bad it is over commercialized.


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## Njaco (Nov 11, 2013)

So next week, I go on my usual trek to Atlantic City. This place is right next to the hotel I stay at. Think I should join?

Get Lucky @ the Chelsea! | Special Facebook Offer


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 13, 2013)

Don't let the Missus catch you.


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## Wayne Little (Nov 14, 2013)

Dunno why...but I hate that F**king Get lucky song...I turn the radio off when it comes on.....


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## Lucky13 (Jan 18, 2014)

Still a classic....

Nobel Price in Literature?

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## Njaco (Jan 19, 2014)

It is fun to re-read!


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## Lucky13 (Jan 19, 2014)

Agreed!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jan 19, 2014)

Yup.


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## Wurger (Jan 19, 2014)

Wayne Little said:


> Dunno why...but I hate that F**king Get lucky song...I turn the radio off when it comes on.....



I hope it's not the song...


_View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtXyUS5KlWo_

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## Lucky13 (Sep 18, 2014)

Bump it up in style...so many beer, so little time!

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## at6 (Sep 19, 2014)

O.K. So I just stayed up way way past my bed time to read this. I didn't know if I could read it all because there were so many posts from the story that made me laugh so hard that I da&n near peed. Well worth the exhaustion. Would give Njaco bacon but used that up earlier.

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## Njaco (Sep 19, 2014)

Thank you.....thank you very much!


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Sep 19, 2014)

You need to do another one Chris.


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## Lucky13 (Sep 20, 2014)

What Aaron said...!


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## Wayne Little (Sep 20, 2014)

yeah man what Aaron said!!


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## Lucky13 (Nov 23, 2014)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 24, 2014)

So when are you gonna invite us Jan.................huh?


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## N4521U (Nov 24, 2014)

Lagunitas is in California, North of the Golden Gate bridge, a little inland........!

Lah-goo-nee-tahs

I have good friends who live there, very much like hill folk. Wonderfully cool area.


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## vikingBerserker (Nov 24, 2014)

Hot damn Jan, I'm on my way!!!!!!!!!


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## Lucky13 (Nov 24, 2014)

Open door policy, for the members of this delightful forum!

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## Wayne Little (Nov 25, 2014)

Awesome!


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## Njaco (Nov 25, 2014)

But its shirt and tie in the Njaco Room.................


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## Lucky13 (Nov 25, 2014)

Like in the 20's, 30's, 40's and so on, this is a classy place, big band music etc., etc...


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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Nov 25, 2014)

Will a noose suffice?


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## at6 (Nov 25, 2014)

Lucky13 said:


> Like in the 20's, 30's, 40's and so on, this is a classy place, big band music etc., etc...


 And Hippocroccofrogs.


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## Lucky13 (Jun 7, 2015)




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## Njaco (Jun 7, 2015)




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## Lucky13 (Jun 7, 2015)




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## Aaron Brooks Wolters (Jun 9, 2015)




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## Wayne Little (Jun 10, 2015)




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## Lucky13 (Mar 22, 2016)

After leaving his recently opened establishment....






....he thought to himself, I need a holiday!

Hmmmm.....maybe Caribbean, Florida is nice this time of year as well I've heard...

Reaching his car, putting the keys in the door....Caribbean it is he says to himself...






....should be OK, Florida is close should I get bored...






....screeching tires and smoke....

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## at6 (Mar 23, 2016)

.............and then the transmission dropped out. "Thunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


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## Wayne Little (Mar 23, 2016)

Ooops....


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## Lucky13 (Jan 18, 2017)




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## Thorlifter (Jan 18, 2017)

Ha. Drinking lemonade right now......but I didn't get Lucky


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## Gnomey (Jan 18, 2017)

Surely you need lemonade with something stronger...


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## at6 (Jan 18, 2017)

Thorlifter said:


> Ha. Drinking lemonade right now......but I didn't get Lucky


Neither did I. She turned out to be he.


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## vikingBerserker (Jan 20, 2017)

"Yes I do, and stop calling me Shirley."


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## Njaco (Feb 1, 2017)

For those who want it, I've placed the Get Lucky story in a .pdf file. With some new pics and proper spelling!

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## at6 (Feb 1, 2017)

Thank you. I've downloaded it and will read it again.


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## Wayne Little (Feb 2, 2017)

Me too..!


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## Gnomey (Feb 2, 2017)

Excellent !


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## T Bolt (Feb 2, 2017)

Cool !!!!


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## Marcel (Feb 4, 2017)

wow, more than 100 pages. Never realised you wrote that much!

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## at6 (Feb 11, 2017)

Too bad we can't make it into a movie.


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## Robert Porter (Feb 11, 2017)

Why not make it into a movie? How hard can it be?


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## at6 (Feb 12, 2017)

Robert Porter said:


> Why not make it into a movie? How hard can it be?


Have you read it? Besides, I can't get to the UK where the filming would have to be done and that's if we could find the financial backing for such a project. Any movie we made from it would still be better than the crap at the theaters today. Perhaps we could get Njaco to direct since he wrote it.


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## Robert Porter (Feb 12, 2017)

at6 said:


> Have you read it? Besides, I can't get to the UK where the filming would have to be done and that's if we could find the financial backing for such a project. Any movie we made from it would still be better than the crap at the theaters today. Perhaps we could get Njaco to direct since he wrote it.


I did indeed read it, and would love to see it made into a movie!


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## at6 (Feb 12, 2017)

What would really help is if we could get surviving members of Monty Python involved as well.


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## Njaco (Feb 13, 2017)

Humphrey Bogart is dead. That is problem number one!


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