Only a man would attempt this...

Discussion in 'OFF-Topic / Misc.' started by Colin1, Jul 1, 2009.

  1. Colin1

    Colin1 Active Member

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    can't vouch for its authenticity but amusing

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety

    WAY TOO COOL

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . . I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way !'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…………..HOLY MOTHER OF GOD…………..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION…………WHAT THE HELL. I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

    IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I **** on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid....
     
  2. Wayne Little

    Wayne Little Well-Known Member

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    Should have zapped the f*cking cat...ROTFLMAO....:lol::lol:
     
  3. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Active Member

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    :lol: :lol: :lol:

    I love that last line! Sooooo true!
     
  4. Gnomey

    Gnomey World Travelling Doctor
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    :lol: That is great!!
     
  5. wheelsup_cavu

    wheelsup_cavu Well-Known Member

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    That hurt! [​IMG]
    Made me think of Matt's thread about the guy who damaged his privates.


    Wheels
     
  6. Aaron Brooks Wolters

    Aaron Brooks Wolters Well-Known Member

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    I've read it before but no matter how many times I see it I have to read it. It's hilarious!!!! :lol:
     
  7. ccheese

    ccheese Member In Perpetuity
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    I'll second that !!! Quick, do the damn cat !!!!

    Barnum said it all, "There's one born every second !!!!"

    Charles
     
  8. Erich

    Erich the old Sage
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    sorry, but what an A**, you might as well pointed the thing at your .................................................. little nutz
     
  9. vikingBerserker

    vikingBerserker Well-Known Member

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    I once took apart my wife's pepper spray gadget to see how it worked and like a true dumbass I pressed the trigger down to snap it back in place (which by the way was pointing at my face). I'll never forget the words that went through my mind before my eyes started burning - You dumbass son-of-a.......OWWWWWWWWWWWW

    It must be a DNA thing.
     
  10. GrauGeist

    GrauGeist Well-Known Member

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    I've seen that before, and I still wonder WTF was the guy thinking...seriously?
     
  11. wheelsup_cavu

    wheelsup_cavu Well-Known Member

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    As part of a friends police training several years ago she was required to have the pocket stun gun she was going to carry be used on her.
    All the recuits had to have it done to them.
    I've seen videos showing the same thing being done to recruits, I'll see if I can find some.

    The rationale was if it was used on you and you knew how much it hurt you wouldn't be as willing to use it randomly.
    I always wondered why they didn't take it to the extreme and shoot them in the leg to show them how much a gunshot wound hurt. :rolleyes:

    They also didn't require them to have the bejesus beat out of them with a night stick either.
    Which is another form of non-lethal weaponry like the stun gun.

    The rationale just never made sense to me that it was OK to use one of their "weapons" on them but not the others.


    I do find the original post hilarious though.


    Wheels
     
  12. GrauGeist

    GrauGeist Well-Known Member

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    In California, the taser familiarization is now optional, the pepper spray isn't. :lol:
     
  13. wheelsup_cavu

    wheelsup_cavu Well-Known Member

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    I forgot about the Pepper Spray.


    Wheels
     
  14. vanir

    vanir Banned

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    Yanks are kind of stupid, huh.

    Remind me why we're letting you keep weapons of mass destruction again?
     
  15. Wayne Little

    Wayne Little Well-Known Member

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    :shock:

    Time to duck man!:rolleyes:
     
  16. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Active Member

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    Considering some of the gems we've had in charge of the Big Red Button in the past decade or two, the Good Lord only knows.
     
  17. GrauGeist

    GrauGeist Well-Known Member

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    Ouch...

    Not all of us go around tazing ourselves...

    And I'm pretty sure that the U.S. isn't the only outfit out there with WMDs...
     
  18. DerAdlerIstGelandet

    DerAdlerIstGelandet Der Crew Chief
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    This coming from an Aussie....;)
     
  19. Heinz

    Heinz Active Member

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    Oh yeah wait I'll drop into my 'ocker' stereotype.

    Ignorance is universal, as for stupidity some people receieved second helpings.
     
  20. Colin1

    Colin1 Active Member

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    Whoa guys
    shall we cool this one off a bit?
    Let's just laugh at a guy stoopid enough to taze himself without worrying too much about where he lives
    If it's going to turn into an inter-continental ballistic sparring match I'll ask a mod to pull the thread
     
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