Quokes/Jotes...Continued!

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An English female comic Linda Smith died of ovarian cancer earlier this week at the age of 48 here's a few quotes from her.

"Jesus couldn't have been English cause he wore sandals but never with socks".

"I'm a dyslexic Satanist, I worship the drivel"

"Tim Henman is the human equivalent of beige"

"Lord of the Rings is a book for engineers called Dave"

On the winter sport of Curling
"House work on ice"

"Erith isn't twinned with anywhere but is does have a suicide pact with Dagenham"

"I play all my country Western songs backwards-
Your lover returns,Your dog comes home and you cease to be an alcoholic".
 
Some photos
 

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There's three men sat in a pub, a Frenchman, Italian and Yorkshireman - conversation moves on to pleasing the wife ...

Frenchman "I can please my wife , I take her out for a nice meal. Wine and dine her , bring her home and make love to her ... she rises 6 inches off the bed with pleasure."

Italian " That's nothin' - I take mine out to the opera, wine and dine her , then make love to her. She raises a foot off the bed with pleasure ... "

Yorkshireman " Bah , that's nothin' ! I tell my wife to stay home, look after the five kids. I go to the pub down ten pints, come home ...shag her all over the house, cum on the bed and wipe my cock on the curtain 'n' she hits the fuckin' roof! "
 
The joke is from Belgium. Belgians claim that Dutch people are
tight-fisted.
"Why are the strips, on the Dutch flag, horizontal? Because each time
the end becomes frayed, they can cut it back".
A Dutch friend of mine told her mother this joke and her mother replied:
"why is it funny? I always do that!"
 
A German, a Japanese guy and a Mexican are somewhere
suddenly, a ring comes from the German's arm, then he gets reminded to do something

German "oh im sorry, cause you see, here in Germany we have
advanced technology and all that so i have a chip implanted in my arm"

after a while, the Japanese guy's hand rings then he talks to his hand

Japanese: "oh sorry, cause you see, here in Japan we have all this advanced technology so i can use my hand as a cellphone"

the Mexican gets jealous, then he needs to go to the bathroom
.....
when he comes out, a piece of tissue is stuck to his bottom

he pulls it out

"oh im sorry, i just got a fax, cause here in Mexico we have all that advanced things mmkay"?
 







 
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

"This is a stickup!" He yells. "Put all your dough in a bag!"

"Don't shoot," pleads the barkeep. "I'll do whatever you say!"

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "All right, now give me a blow job!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender. "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. "Hold the gun, dammit," he says. "One of my friends might walk in!"
 
This is a real quote I heard yesterday on the "Jeiwsh Veterans and Ressistants" meeting...

The leader of the meeting wished all the best to the organization's members in case of their live jubileums
Our dear member ... - 95 years
Our dear member ... - 92 years
Our dear member ... - 87 years
Our dear member ... - 86... oops, no, this one is dead already...
 
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