Quokes/Jotes...Continued!

[evangilder]

This may have been posted before, but I still love this one:

Subject: THE U S NAVY'S RETIREMENT PLAN?

The US Navy found that they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two
points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief Warrant Officer who, when asked where
he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing
the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief Warrant calmly replied . . "Vietnam."

 

[Gnomey]

Heard it before but is still a good one.

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

i hadn't heard that one, i like it............

 

[marconi]

THE MACHINE GUN for real Terminators

 

[Nonskimmer]

Good joke, evan.

marconi, I wish I had that gun mounted to my car for rush hours.

 

[marconi]

You can actually fire from it holding it in your hands (like Arnie), because its paintball mini-gun

 

[Nonskimmer]

Paintball, eh? Not much good for rush hour then.

 

[marconi]

Must be good for painting walls though with its rate of fire 48 balls per second (c)

 

[Nonskimmer]

Hey, I never thought of that.

 

[Pisis]

A paintball game with that must be....... uh......... to say so - unfair.....

 

[cheddar cheese]

Not if youre the one using it

 

[Gnomey]

Not if youre the one using it

That would just be great fun...

 

[the lancaster kicks ass]

expensite with the ammo, though, they should give the rate of fire in £s per second

 

[Nonskimmer]

Here's one I heard on the radio this morning.

A blond calls up her boyfriend in frustration one day.
"What's wrong, sweetie?", he asks.
"Oh, I've got this jigsaw puzzle here in front of me, but there are like a thousand pieces and I can't even get the thing started!", she says in dismay.
"Well what's it supposed to be?", he asks.
"According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a tiger.", she says.
"Alright then, I'll be right over.", and with that he heads over to her place.

When he arrives at his girlfriend's house, the boyfriend follows his blond belle into the kitchen where she has everything spread out on the table. He stops and looks thoughtfully at everything on the table for a long moment, and scratches his head. Then he gently takes his sweetheart by the arm and says:
"It's alright sweetie. You just sit down here, I'll make us a nice cup of tea, and then we'll put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.

 

[102first_hussars]

I got one for yah

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.


"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"

"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Nonskimmer]

Ha. Not bad.


A cleaner kept getting the same note from a female customer: USE MORE STAIN REMOVER ON PANTIES.
This would keep up week after week, and no matter how much he tried his best to satisfy this lady, she just kept sending her laundry in with the same damn note: USE MORE STAIN REMOVER ON PANTIES...USE MORE STAIN REMOVER ON PANTIES...and on, and on.

Finally he had enough and sent her a note of his own: USE MORE PAPER ON ARSE.

 

[Gnomey]

NS, that is a good one!

 

[102first_hussars]

I Got another

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf

 

[Gnomey]

Good one Hussars.